The person you really need to marry | Tracy McMillan | TEDxOlympicBlvdWomen
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Tracy McMillan is a television writer (Mad Men, United States of Tara) and relationship author who wrote the book Why You're Not Married...Yet, based on her viral 2011 Huffington Post blog. She also appeared as a dating coach on the NBC reality show Ready For Love. She lives in Los Angeles and is the mother of a 16-year-old guy.
In her TEDxOlympicBlvdWomen talk, McMillan answers the question: "Who is the one person you need to marry in order to have a successful relationship? (Yourself)"
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My mother once told me: When you hold a man's hand and he makes your heart beat faster and he makes you feel giddy, walk away from this man. He is not the man for you. If you hold a man's hand and he makes you feel warm, safe and secure, hold onto him.
Andreea gosh your mum was probably right - my husband made me high just being next to him... but I think it wasn’t sustainable -strong, steady and stable sounds better now.
@@lornacharles9354 Are you still with your husband now?
My favorite auntie told me the right one feels like being home when he hugs you.
Wow great advice.... Thanks for sharing .... Will defiantly keep in mind when searching for my partner.
That's the man I married, he was always there for me during my bad times from my car crash to struggling with unemployment.
Bottom line: your healthiest relationships will only be as healthy as your relationship with yourself.
Future SLP isn't that true! Most of my relationships are getting so much better, except for the abusive ones and those are coming to a screeching halt, because when I love myself I'm too emotionally strong to be easy pickings for an abuser. And they don't want that. And I don't care to stay.
@@olivest509 I've been involved with good people whose closest family members were verbally/emotionally abusive types. What I noticed was sometimes abuse will come from these people I'm friends with because they don't know how to protect their friends from an abusive family member(s). They have weak or dysfunctional boundaries and sometimes I've experienced those poor boundaries destroy their outside-family relationships. It's a hard choice to de-friend people because they allow their closest family member(s) to harass you, but I've had to do it a couple of times. A good community is one with good boundaries, which is a thread of the threads of love. peace
BS. You need to get over your self.
cheaze69 aww you're such a sad little boy
Personal health Is 1:st Priority *(Psychlogical or Physical)* ------------- Should always; Be first - No matter your field of job/work
I've spent a large part of my life crying and wishing someone would love me the way I love them. It never occurred to me, to love me the way I love them. WOW!!
@DJ I agree. I have some work to do.
So true I m learning to love me
Yesss same !!!
You really can't look to others to "complete you."
'Not whether he liked me but how I felt in his presence.' Very good
My aha moment... “Life doesn’t give you what you ask for. It gives you what you need to develop to get what you asked for.”
Mine too..
@@kiewr its valuable for everyone and somit right!!!
I'm 56: and that lit up everything I have ever learned and put a bow on it! All lessons learned being a gift I gave myself. And, I had a ton of loving support, because I asked for help when I needed it and still do. Aloha, Claire
Agree 💯
I screenshoted when she said that.
I love how she didn’t speak badly about her ex husbands, tells me a lot about her.
It tells you that she left them due to her own selfishness and not that her husband's were bad men...
I think she has reactive attachment disorder and just never could bond to her husbands. I could be wrong but there are some pretty classic signs. Also, it isn't right to assume the husbands were problematic if she never stated so. Innocent until proven guilty.
True, I have been married for quite a few years an know if both parties don't give in some way to make things work, it just won't work. I now the men she was married to weren't perfect. But, either she is being dishonest about it to cover for them, or as she implied, she left and quit the marriages because she wasn't meant to be with anyone else. Which isn't how things work in reality. Marriage between complete strangers has and does work. Both parties must want it to work bad enough that they become selfless and commit themselves to each other. She was searching for something that her men/marriages weren't giving her. This is why she can't blame her husband's, they couldn't satisfy her search so she left. She even says she is the one who left, not her husband's, this implies that she gave up on the relationships, her husbands didn't.
@@dyrandwagner8089 why does it have to be one or the other's fault? I think more realistically, both parties probably did things that weren't optimal for the marriages. Also, it is possible that they just weren't compatible long-term. Yeah, maybe you can work really hard to make a marriage work, but when does that work become too much? It's not worth it to work so hard to be compatible that you're miserable.
@@FlyersPhillies819 Do vows mean nothing? Do you not vow "until death do us part"? Marriage is hard. I never said that the husbands are completely innocent in the matter. Everyone messes up. The reason marriage fails isn't due to incompatibility. This is a farse created by people who are bad at commitment and who aren't willing to tough it out and grow stronger instead of apart. Our divorce rate in the US is rediculously high. This is why you find so many people who won't even get married anymore. Can't trust your spouse to stick it out for the long haul with you. Kids paying the penalty for the parents messes. It is a sad state. If everyone that gets married always has your "it's too hard to be work at being comparable because it makes me miserable" in the back of their mind, then marriage becomes about you and your feelings rather than a focus on your spouse. My 2 cents is this, if you can't be completely devoted to making it work, and if you are incapable of being responsible enough to make marriage work, stop professing your vows of commitment and be honest to the person you are marrying and tell them straight up that "I am not committed 100% to making this work, I am only here until I feel like it isn't worth it for me".
Marry yourself "for richer or poorer" Marry yourself "for better or worst". Marry yourself "in sickness and in health". Marry yourself "to have and to hold". That's true! "Love yourself first".
hmmm reaaly?
@@xanderpreem1782 I would not advise any woman to follow the ted speaker on dating and marriage advice.
Or you can marry Jesus
@@sharonelele1985 That’s the nun’s life. Nothing new. That lifestyle isn’t for every woman.
@@solid8403 Its Named agape.
She spoke good things about her ex husbands.. My last girlfriend told me one day "I always admired the way you talked about your exes"... Such an amazing girl, miss her so much..
Pedro........what happened to your last girlfriend?
@@sylviacarlson3561 lol
how meta!
This is healthy, u doing good
At least she didn't say they all live in Texas.
"About 30 minutes into the date I found myself paying attention not to whether he liked me, but how I felt in his presence"
Yes!
Power
That is very important.
Siria Souza me feel miserable with his presence
@@Reem-jy5kl too bad! Wish you the best!
This message is so beautiful. A woman with the failure of three marriages, most people would mock and discredit her. But with her experience she is not bitter, she is full of knowledge because of her experiences. One of the best Ted Talks I’ve heard.
How did her actions affect the three men she was married to?
She got 3 houses
@@cneuhauser1well she said she's on okay terms with them, so obviously it's not that she or or her exes did anything wrong, it just wasn't working and they understood that, and they handled the divorce maturely.
I think what you said was full of wisdom!!😊
Pathetic way to approach life ruining 3 mens life and now owning their property 😅
My mother told me when I was a teenager “ don’t ever expect someone to come into your Life to make you happy, you need to find happiness within yourself”.. similar as self love. I am now a psychiatrist and i give similar advise . Love the “marry yourself “concept. So many training in my field but such a simple truth that I learned from mom.
Big mistake! You don't look for happiness, you create it! Always looking for happiness is the reason this divorcee ruined her family three times.
@@EmilMToft As a senior male, I applaud your public honesty and "hard earned insight." But maybe I sense some guilt too. You (we) always do the best we can, at all moments, given our level of awareness at the time. I hope you have forgiven yourself and learned valuable lessons to rely on in order to make your dreams come true❤
"Love yourself the way you want someone else to love you." That really resonated with me.
Same
Same here.... I loved that.
I touch myself enough as it is though, and I'm still single
Jordan Peterson also teach that. Makes some sense, too ! Have a nice day, everyone :)
"love your neighbor as you love yourself" - Matt. 22:39.
"While dating someone, don't focus on whether or not the other person likes you; but how that person makes you feel": So true, so powerful!
Love isn't a feeling but can include feelings. Love is being committed to that person no matter what it takes even up to death. If marriage is based on feelings, it will never stand the test of time.
@@dyrandwagner8089 My perspective is that Love is indissociable from feelings..but it takes more than that for a marriage to sustain (commitment, courage, ..).
When you are committed to a greater purpose, you will either back down or you will stand strong. I know what love is. I know what commitment is. I know who my God is. I serve Him and He commands selfless devotion to Him and your spouse/children. People are not perfect but my Christ is. Thank you for taking the time to reply.
Also, debates and input from other people helps expand your thinking. It is nourishing to have civil conversation.
That's the most important thing! Be the chooser...and know the most important qualities for you in a partner!
“I’m more interested in how I feel about me, not how he feels about me”. Yes. I loved this entire message & her story. Thank you🙏🏾
if you dont know how you feel about yourself then you're not ready to have a romantic relationship! this woman married 3 times and surely dated many more guys still sounds immatured!
@@mujtababarati9423 💅
I think it's really brave for a woman to speak and live like this in a world where romance is sold to us in books, movies, paintings and songs. It's shoved on our faces that we "need"our happily ever after and that is only possible when we are loved, by someone else. And not by ourselves first. Self -appreciation is empowering and for her to tell her story like this is inspiring and powerful.
WOW!! So very well put.
"Life doesn't give you what you ask for. It gives you the people, places and situations that will help you develop what you've asked for." So true. Nothing meaningful ever comes easily.
Right..
This one nearly made me shed a tear. So true!!
TripHop B.C. beautiful!
So true!!
Props to that
Don't ever stop dating your wife and don't ever stop flirting with your husband.
Nice way to keep each other or at least trying 😋
@Andréia Cardoso is it ok if your man is bit feminine but yet romantic and cares for you.....
@Andréia Cardoso ahh!!😊 Am so happy to hear that
Aaron -_- it’s up to you, if you like feminine or masculine, or some other kind of man. You’re the one that’s in a relationship with them. As long as that’s what YOU want.
Lifelong dating can be tiring, but recognising when they ( your partner, spouse, friend, lover) make a effort towards: growing, building, and strengthening your relationship ( give credit, encouragement, boost, kindness, or complement) when they make one, will positively impact in your relationship ( be it with spouse, lover, friend, family). Most people ( including me) don’t think of vacation as a date, but it can do more to grow, build, and strengthen any relationship, more so than any candle lit dinner or flowers. Plus infinite amounts of treasured memories, inside jokes, “ remember they time that thing happened” moments, and pictures to remember during times when you hit temporary bumps in the relationship road, as most every relationship always does.
Six years ago I watched this TEDx talk, and it actually changed my life. I always come back to it when I’m at a crossroads in life, because it’s such a good reminder to be there for yourself.
how is your relationship life going?
100% agree
The thing about loving yourself is that you teach others how to treat you. If you do not respect yourself nobody will. Wish I knew this at the start of my marriage and parenthood. But here's what I found: you can turn things around and set new boundaries ❤❤
It’s never too late. That’s what I’m learning ❤
YES YOU CAN.😀 CONGRATS GIRL!!
“Life doesn’t give you what you asked for life gives you the people places and situations to develop what you asked for”
Underated comment. Brilliant!
My Ears Got Youth System I loved when she said that and I’ve got to live by it!
This comment is on another level.
This is true 🙂
@@RAIJOHNSEN you can do it with patience within your spirit
Self love is basically, the transitioning journey from ' Am I good enough for this' to 'Is this good enough for me' ~Shi Alasad
This is incredible 👏👏👏
Oh true
that’s so true and really well said ❤️ tysm i will print it as a quote and hang on my wall
Nice
Can be applied to people actions jobs situations... Like I have kept taking jobs I realky didn't want!
her hair is just so gorgeous
imagine the carpet ! remember, hair is just dead stuff - yeah DEAD stuff. all those people carrying around years worth of dead stuuf like dreadlocks, pee u, what a stink, death
Yes , I clicked just to see her hair, is it natural or an extension ? 3 times divorce with her family history makes her experience material, I m all ears. But I m filtering as a christian. Ok. At the end , you can t love others nor let them love you, if you don t have self respect love and esteem for yourself. I m happy for you, hopefully the 3 previous men are ok too.
I knowww! Sooo beautiful!
omg yassssssss
This straight-haired chick adores naturally curly hair! She’s beautiful!
One of the most human TED talks I've ever heard 💛
Great one, yeah!
Relationships are only the icing on the cake, your life and self-acceptance is the cake.
and you can still eat cake without icing.
woow
@@TheMemoryPolice I totally agree!!!!!!!
Love this!!
sometimes I buy icing and just eat that
Those of you on your 20s hearing this: think of how much time and anguish you’ve saved yourself. The secret is right here!
And how much money too! Divorces can bankrupt anyone.
Thanks I'm 22 n it's a custom here to marry and have babies by ur 20
I am 21 and really needed this
Right! Such a gem 💎
Knowing and actually practising it are two different things. It's easier said than done.
She left her husbands, because she was abandoned as a kid. With this background, she scared they will leave her, so she leaves them before she would be abandoned by them again. Childhood traumas rules our lives.
I agree with you as myself work to overcome them with a help of a psychologist.
Exactly, Epo. It's a little bit more than simply marrying the wrong people. Aloredi's dismissive remark wasn't called for.
No she left because wanted to. That is it.
True
I ended up marrying my family. The same people I fled from.
I went from having a bad day with tons of negative thought about never meeting someone until I watched this video, to being in a good mood and starting believing in myself!
I recommend you to a man who can help you manifest whatever and whoever you want to manifest within two-day ♥️♥️♥️
He was the person who helped me manifest back my ex three days ago with out delay 💯 💯💯
Whtsaap him**
___+ 2::3::4::81::40::79::93::23...
omg YES ''Life does not give you what you ask for, it gives you the people, places and situations that allow you to develop what you ask for''
Sophie Kozhemyako well said!!!!
Sophie Kozhemyako very true
Nim Boo Life doesn’t give you the people you desire it gives you the people you actually need for growth to be the best individual you can be! The people that come into our lives from friends to companions are either lessons of blessings. If we don’t get the lesson after it has been presented then we will continue to meet individuals exactly like the last individual until we learn that lesson and grow as a person.
Oh there,! that way, fabulous conclusion.
You mean Ikea
I'm 20 and it feels like I've just found a cheat code to life. this was incredible!
how are you pretty?i like you,i wanna know you better..
Look up here on KZhead "Michael Todd Relationship Goals".. ! Changed my life. I watch the series every 6 months now. EXCELLENT!
@@Hermione617 just watched the first episode, it was eye-opening. thank you for recommending it to me!
It can only help you if you are insecure to the point of marrying some guy just because he likes/protects you.
Because You Did!!!
This woman makes me cry and laugh at the same time. I need to watch this video at least once a year, to keep my "marriage with myself":)
Oh gosh, I can relate to this. My home came with alcoholic/narcissistic parents so I left home as a teen. Childhood traumas stole my ability to recognize my needs and drove me to find what I needed (a real family) in others through marriage. This talk is so touching, funny and beautiful. It took me a long time to learn how to “see” myself and love what I saw, you express the process so well. Thank you for being the vulnerable and brave voice for many of us who struggle to recognize, love and marry ourselves.
"A mistake is not a failure, unless you don`t learn from it and unless you dont grow" - best line ever
Simply said: If we learn from our mistakes we will make fewer of them as we grow older. We used to call that wisdom.
Facts
"Love yourself the way you want someone to love you" resonated with me
Marry me
Don't drink alcohol and don't consume drugs: Marry me.
@@mrs.paulschmetz3912 I am a pure person, pure and simple, I love healthy life and have a good heart
Its true
The person you really need to marry- Federal Reserve
Tracy is SUCH a beautiful person on the inside because of her willingness for introspection. Fewer things are as sad as those who refuse to look inside because they don't like what they see and can't bear any self-accountability.
She is such a pleasant and likeable person. It is wonderful, with what she has been through, that her self acceptance and love seem evident to me in just her calm, pleasant and kind voice.
Her laughter covers pain but I love her. She is right.
"I'm a person I can count on" That one hit home for me. I felt that.
Once I started trusting myself, I swear my whole body relaxed that much more, permanently. I didn't even realize how scared and tense I was before.
I understand what this means..loving yourself means being confident in your own skin, being a person full of gratitude, love and forgiveness and that will attract the right kind of people to you
you can edit comments, click three dots in the corner
same kind? ye i see, if you accept your charackter "x" than there will be another "x" out there who cant accept himself and doesnt feel good in his skin... so he wants to feel good in your skin because you can accept his "x" and your x . and thats why people have sex. imma right?
there is no choice on your heart, the right person will be next to you and you will never notice or even care, there is no choice, you don't choose your hearth does. there is no will power over it no matter how hard you try..
I got seven likes! Woo-hoo!
Make it 8! Haha
A forever alone guy in his mid twenties watched this and enjoyed it.
you are never alone, cause you can spend the most amazing time with yourself! Cheer up an smile, hope your day is going to be great
Glad to see this , the authenticity of her message was amazing. I'll have to watch this over and over again to let it sink in. I am very grateful for her message.
"You ask for patience and life gives you a line at the bank." This is my new life motto.
Jade Fields lol
Jade Fields cool
I didnt get it tbh. Could you explain what she ment by line at the bank?
+Osman Kmbal it means if you are on a line at a bank or whatever you need to be patient. so you asked for patience and here it is for you. life puts you in situations which give you what you asked for. I hope this was clear enough.
Susan Isaac thanks
She has gone through a lot in her life .. and having that smile and giggle throughout the talk and to talk about her life on the stage and motivating other people with her words takes a lot of courage. She is a beautiful and strong women. Love You.
The fact that she broke the hearts of her husband's and gave her child an insecure life and can still bask in happiness tells me that she is selfish and disturbed.
Dyrand Wagner are you gonna diagnose her in every post? You are a clear case of the internet armchair psychiatrists that like to wrongly diagnose people after a 14 min video lol.
@@rebeeb1haha no, just responding to people who think she is an amazing woman for deciding to quit on her husband's and child. Marriage is sacred to me so I guess I am a bit passionate about it.
@@rebeeb1 Also, where have I been wrong? She just sincerely acts like she made the right decision to leave her husbands. I also have a lot of experience with children and adults who have come from the background she has as we have been involved with foster and adoptive ministry for children for many years. So I am not a stranger to what some of her circumstances can lead to.
@@dyrandwagner8089 Most people here are not resonating here with the part where she chose to leave her husbands. They are resonating with the idea of being willing to give oneself the emotional and material things you expect from our loved ones. It's about learning to relate with oneself with compassion and care as we are choosing to do the same for our partners, children or family. In her case, she is not just talking it in a superficial way. She has taken that message of self care to heart and builds a "relationship" with herself just like we'd build one with our partners or anybody else. I respect the sacredness of marriage too but sometimes you get really tired of hurting yourself and others that you make drastic decision to avoid the mistakes of your past at least in your future. In her case, it involved leaving couple of husbands. :)
"The places where you have the biggest challenges in your life become the places where you have the most to give if you do your inner work"
I have no idea why, but I've always given myself this self esteem. And Everything she said about loving oneself is what I apply to my everyday life and relationships When I go on a date, I try to answer these questions: Am I comfortable with him? What more can we bring to each other? And it's important to know the only person you need is YOU
I think what she's trying to say is women should be emotionally, physically, mentally, stable, and be responsible for their own happiness regardless of their situation in life before committing in a serious relationship.
yes
Mondy M. very good
I don't know. It sounds almost like you're saying a state of near-perfection must come first. Given my own family's experience I am to question that idea. The parents did not start off with the best of relations and especially my Mom had a fair number of issues. But the thing was she and they worked through them. It took many, many years but they have been married still to this day and that is over 30 years. Consider the average marriage only lasts 10 years, supposedly. I am not sure so much if actualized perfection is necessary at the outset as much as a sincere desire to want to make it work and also to want to perfect oneself. Perfection as process, not as achieved result (for true perfection won't be achieved anyway ever.) I suppose that though, still, of course, requires one to love oneself. And to know oneself, too. Yet both of those things require time.
mike4ty4 they didn't say you have to be perfect they said you have to be content with who you are and don't expect outside things to make you happy or fix you .love yourself and make yourself happy
Mondy M. Human in general, not women
"And I went to the top of a mountain, or bottom of the ocean, got down on one knee and said "I'll never leave you" " 😭😭😭
Jessica Boisvenue GIRL I'M LITERALLY CRYING RN
But can you think of her 3 times breaking relationship?
Johnny Islam you clearly missed the point
Jessica Boisvenue omgggg my eyes instantly teared up ❤️ so amazing
These are such powerful lessons on self love and acceptance. The most unique framing of it. I really appreciate this. I definitely needed this perspective. Thank you for sharing your life lessons!🙏🏼
I will be marrying myself from now on so I will not feel worried about "would be anyone marry me"? Thank you. Exactly the gold words.
Is anyone else distracted by her awesome gorgeous hair?
Me. I even vowed to try that do oneday. The color, immediately. Wow
She's the best red head! I salute ms. lady!
Distracted yes. Gorgeous no.
Absolutely love it
Im annoyed by the audience noise.
low self esteem is the root of every bad relationships. so love your body, love your choices, talk to yourself gently when u did smthing wrong, like a loving mother to her child and not like a narrow minded abuser. if u cannot love yourself for who u are u will never be able to give love back to your beloved the way they deserve it
How beautiful an analogy about being your own caretaker and nurturer. So true! Don't abuse yourself. Be gentle with your heart. I really liked reading that, thank you for sharing.
It could also be low self esteem from your partner, so you should evaluate who that person is before getting into a serious relationship with them because in return of them hurting on the inside they can turn around and hurt you.
Human Whale it’s easier to walk away... I on the other hand would want to try and help them instead of leave them so easily, like why kick a person when they are down. But everyone is different so thanks for your reply ❤️
verbose overconfidence also.
@@jerneenneshell7242 Thank you for your comment. And I just want to say that, as someone like myself who just this week started therapy for childhood trauma issues, and who has acted like someone else than who my partner has known for almost 4 years and at times recently I've been someone that I don't even like. And so yes, my self esteem/ speaking up for myself needs some work. But I'll tell you what, my relationship reached a whole new level of love that I never imagined and that is the feeling of unconditional love and security that comes.with it when, sometimes, you are at your "ugliest" and your partner is right by your side to be there while you brave the storm
Still one of my favorite Ted talks after all these years! Thank you for such a strong message!
I love her energy on the stage. Awesome and very touching.
Who is listening and scrolling for the comments at the same time
Always
Not the ones needing subtitles though (me)
Me😂
Me😉
Welcome to the world of overstimulation, our brains and receptors are on overdrive from social media and EMFs, we all have ADHD technically :D
I was expecting something like "marry your bff" or "you're actually in love with your nemesis!" but this is so much better
stfu
Miles Mchugh wtf?
yer Miles... WTH?
"you're actually in love with your nemesis!" lol loved this.
"I'm actually in love with my nemesis" @.@
This woman is an absolutely amazingly gifted speaker. It's been a long time since I've been this moved by a speaker. I want to see more!!! Love her! ❤️
Today as I was listening to this talk I received the most loving, warm, caring, soothing and protective hug I've ever received... IT WAS FROM ME😭😭😭... And so the journey to true self love begins (as well as planning my own self commitment ceremony😁).Thank you🙏🌻💚🌈💍💐💒💫🎊🎆
In order to marry yourself, you have to get painfully honest with yourself about what you've done....
B💥💥M!
BAM!!!💥💥💥
Yes. That. That’s tough.
What have you done
The Wisdom in this one. "The only relationship i'm going to have with another person, is the one i'm having with myself already. I'm just going to share it with him now."
Daniel Omiyi Word. If you hate yourself, you'll share it with the partner. If you look at yourself with disgust, you'll share it with the partner. If you love pie...hmm...
It takes a lot of courage to go out and share such intimate details and to leave yourself that open and vulnerable. Great message too btw. Kudos to her. Cheers 👏
Hands down the best TED talk I have watched yet. Amazing message with such an authentic and confident delivery!
She was clearly scarred by her traumatic childhood experiences, and has deep psychological issues stemming from them, thirst for affection n belonging, resulting in early marriages, n fear of abandonment, so she leaves the husbands before they could've left her, etc. Glad she's happy now. And to achieve this without therapy! Hats off!
Very perceptive, Zgnid.
Pretty sure this is spot on. Childhood relationships can totally mess with us even if we don't feel particularly hurt about them
agree!
you figured all that out after she exposed herself? hehe
Hmmm. I don't think it was so clear. Intelligent people often get stuck searching for life's true meaning and it does not necessarily have anything to do with trauma. She said so herself at the start of the video that she always thought life was love followed marriage followed by a baby carriage, but after she achieved all 3 levels she still wasn't happy. She was taught from an early age, like most women, that happiness comes from external factors such as getting married and having a child. However, she found out quickly that after you complete those goals, life continues after that and you then have to figure out what level 4 is. I think it is poor psychology to ignore the patient's own words and then slap on a projected theory, and it is an easy trap to fall into.
I cried after hearing the last part. All these years, im looking for that missing piece, only to find out, it was me. 😭
Me too. How special
I found this really precious relationship in God's unconditional love for me. It's even more constant than I am able to provide for myself. And accepting that I am loved like that allows me to do this thing she was talking about- loving others where they're at. We aren't actually the most reliable things in the world to ourselves- sometimes we let ourselves down. So it's pretty cool being fully known and fully loved by the perfect, infallible one who created me. That's available to everyone. :)
Sarah Murchison This, this is what the world needs.
Same here 😢
I was always afraid of people leaving me and when she said that she would never leave herself, I realized that I will always be there for me too and that is all that I needed 😊
OOOOHHH MY GOD. this is exactly what I needed to hear today. I've been in a relationship for 8 years now, and for the last year it's not been the same idea or feeling as what it was at first. This has helped me, in that I feel I may be able to move forward in my existing relationship as a better partner, not only to him, but to myself. I'm bawling! THANK YOU FOR THIS!
She's so pleasant. So refreshing. So powerful! Love Love Love!
Yep, 90% of people rush into relationships before they even know what is going on, its too late. Patience is key.
Always learned the damn hard way lol
It doesn't matter how well you get to know someone " or think you do " once you get married the dynamic changes , and we change as a person , being friends isnt like dating , living together isn't like dating and marriage isnt like living together .
I agree with Kristen. Can you explain your comment better? Thanks. @@drinkthekoolaidkids
kristen jameson I can’t answer on their behalf, but what I believe about what they said is this... no matter how well you know someone, we all change... you will end up with someone who is in many, many ways very different from the person that you start out with.... for some people and some changes, this mean the relationship ends (and for some changes a.k.a. deal breakers it should), but if you truly love yourself and your significant other, then you will love them change, after change, after change because, for one, you too are changing, and you will change together, and two, because your love is not so shallow that these changes matter. You chose this person as a whole, and every whole human being must change with age, with circumstances, with life... or life will be a huge, indiscernible struggle.
Lynn Walker See my attempt above.
When she said: "You're gonna marry yourself right where you are" that hit me like a truck.
Full of bricks
You are quite humorous life is a journey
@@Joshuarcade full of pricks 😂
🤯
I resonated with your story. I also jumped into a marriage right out of foster care and ended up in serial marriages. I can relate to you so well, thank you for sharing your story.
Oh my word, what a wonderful, wonderful talk this is. I laughed AND cried. Deeply affecting, in the most enlightening of ways. Thank you.♥️
Today I marry myself right where I am, not who I wanna be in a year or where I see myself 6 months from now, but right in this mess I'm in now I commit to myself for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health❤️
Beautiful comment
Alilililiiii 🥰💃💃💃
Wonderfully put ❤️
I'd love to know how you've grown in the last year. What have you learned about yourself since you made this commitment?
Congratulations ❤️ I'm about to go buy myself a ring and climb a mountain. I hope I say yes! 😊
Oh boy, how much I longed for an advice as this, truly a game changer. The essence of what she put forth is this: "Learn to love yourself deeply, care for it as if you would to your lover, every now and then. Develop self care, self talk and a relationship with self. In this way you will learn to accept the way you are, you will understand your flaws, weaknesses, everything. You'll learn to love wholeheartedly and unconditionally. Continue this process and you'll also get to know your innerself deeply and build a healthy attitude and personality." This is even more exciting for those who have had a toxic childhood or have received less love and affection in childhood. Because they usually find it hard to reciprocate something they haven't recieved.
You are the only person you have to live with for the rest of your life.
No person is an island. Without Loving and being Loved, there is only misery, pain, sorrow and a completely wasted life.
Yaşar wouldnt say it better bro
Samuel Sallai The problem with her past was because she had no datum to follow, and grow as a normal balanced soul, due to having two bad parents with no parenting skills. The folk that read her as an example of empowerment, need to look at why she was a victim to not being friends to herself. It was because she had no focus or good examples to follow, from going shipped with so many foster parents. For so many fostering in ones life, it would suggest naturally, she was dysfunctional in character. So the moral of the story of why her marriages did not work, when the guys she says were all good family types with a good education, was because she was still acting like a 21 year old. She found herself, when she married adulthood, and that's when she understood what wedding vows of commitment actually mean. Time folk that clap for wrong deduction by her, need to also see the true picture here. It's a case of immaturity that was not necessary her initial fault, but, afterwards she was the ships captain to what commenced. I wish her well for finding the stability in herself finally. I appreciate that her getting fostered from one home to another, could of given her the thinking that she had no worth, due to seeing such parents rejecting her as a person. A smarter person takes ownership when a pattern forms, rather than putting up a wall. Which I think was why her constant in life, happened finally, when she was 40 years of age. Wishing her all the best.
Ask your intuition, not the ego 😂😅
We are born alone and we leave this world alone.
I watched this video about 5 months ago, or so. That day, I put a simple gold band on my finger (right hand) as a reminder to myself to make the right choices for my happiness and self-worth, and to love myself just like I would love my husband. Just now, I saw this video in my feed and I want you say that I've lost 30lbs and gone down two pant sizes (so far), I'm three weeks away from permanently escaping an abusive living situation, I'm taking control of my future, I have found strengths in me that I didn't know I had. I'm a different person, 5 months later, not because I didn't have it in me, but because I couldn't see my own worth. Your talk helped me see it so clearly. Thank you and I love you.
Wow, I am so happy for you! Wish you the best! ❤️🍀
SUCH AN AMAZING PERSON 😻😻
Wow.. so touching. wish you the best!
THIS inspired me more than her talk! It IS possible!! 🙌❤💯😭
Thankyou💯
My mom used to tell me; " be careful what you ask for, you might just get it."
I thank tracy so much for being such an inspiration to me... she's so strong and amazing and empowering...Much love and appreciation ❤
I watched this a couple years ago. I created a plan and married myself. What she says is so true. My relationships with family, friends and dates has transformed into something so amazing from what came before. I love myself and fulfilling my own needs now instead of looking to others to fill those needs. I love mirror talk. I am my own best friend. I am excited to be with me.
Dc Foliage this is amazing and inspiring. I hope I can be at that point with myself one day
ชาใช้บย
Dc Foliage... Please can you tell me a bout mirror talks? Thank you for your help
look up Louise Hay on you tube, she has video's with mirror talk :)
Dude I talk to myself in the mirror all the time!!!!!
That is what speaking from your heart sounds like..... She touches on what the problem is with most relationships, people don't deeply know themselves before they decide to deeply know someone else.
How true
e g So wise and true. Only an authentic person can be truly happy
Some what true. We’re always re-discovering our self.
Love this: “Loving myself exactly where I am is the only way to get where I'm going.”.
Those vows are so deep. I love the way she explain the part for- in sickness and in health.
"I found myself paying attention not to whether he liked me or not but how I felt in his presence...I'm not even on this date trying to get someone to like me. I'm more interested in how I feel about me than how he feels about me." THIS
Wait... people have to be told this?
Yes.
What does it mean when you say "How I felt in his presence "...?
How I felt in his presence... emotional feelings, but feeling, ease of communication... please I want to understand it well..
Binyam Haile Well, I guess it’s more about the comfort level at that moment. Am I feeling safe? Am I happy? I have so much to give. Vs. Does he like me? Am I doing too much? What does he expect from me? I’m no longer trying to impress him because ultimately, I have the one real person that will never leave me. Me. So, in his presence, I feel good. I’m happy.
It may sound irrelevant but her speech helped me get over depression. Iloveher a lot ❤️
I have depression too Chị Duyên
@@vivianlaursen4301 I hope you find happiness! Please remember that this world needs people like you. If possible practice meditation. If you need any help you can message me here. I will be here to hear you out.
I loved her a lot too❤️.
@@vivianlaursen4301 1 in 6 people do according to the CDC...pretty common unfortunately
Not irrelevant at all ❤️
I love this woman's perspective ...so beautiful... I said this to myself years ago .." never trust a person who doesnt have scars to show "...This woman bears the marks of 3 past marriages , yet she brings out of them one of the most amazing lesson that all of us should learn : LOVE YOURSELF THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE LOVED .
I swear that watching this just changed my life. Tracey is am amazing speaker. So sincere and real. Bless her ❤️ THANK YOU
Marriage only really works when both persons marry themselves first and know what each person can give emotionally and spiritually if they then marry each other. Otherwise, you can't give love or happiness to the other person, which would make marriage unfulfilling. It is not an easy combination to find two married people that have married themselves first.
I agree with you.
me too! ;)
Although i get your logic. This sounds almost like people in general assume that people who don't love themselves yet can't give love and are therefor by default broken or half. Sure it works like this for some people but to me it sounds like you'd call people broken a bit. If this helps certainly go for it but, don't take it as the norm please.
wish i knew about this earlier.
+Mike Schuurbiers not incapable just ineffective by contrast. the way you choose to give love may not be the way your partner interprets love. some people are okay without an identity of their own and develop it through a relationship with a more balanced individual. others do not and require tempering through closure, introspection, self appreciation, meditation. with a better relationship and understanding of self they also have the ability to share that level of development when their partner, friends or family. consequently it leads to better personal and working relationships and a better life especially if your partner is equally capable. However the States from time to time reflects this poorly as seen by example of crazy breakups where their means of closure is petty revenge generally involving some regrettable misdemeanor. that petty mindset may not stand true for you but it is the truth of several others.
I loved her energy, laughter, honesty, sensibility, positive attitude and outlook
This is honestly one of the most inspiring Ted talks I've ever listened to... outstanding inner work
This talk saved me on many times in my life and will always come back to this for a sense of healing. Thank you so much, for this talk.
"The places where you have the biggest challenges in life are the places where you have the most to give" - so true. Thanks for tour wise TEDex
Absolutely what a beautiful beautiful talk everything she had said resonates
This is so true. Been a teacher for 20 years now. In college I wanted to be geriatric social worker or researcher and I ended up teaching kindergarten my first five years of my career! Talk about I didn’t go to college for this. Never cared much about having my own children either, was never “a kid person” or so I was told. Honestly, I don’t think I am a kid person and sometimes I think how do I do this because these kids are driving me crazy? What was I thinking? I should’ve just been a CPA like my sisters but then I think about my students and how happy and yes, even pissed off they can make me (btw I teach high school now) and most days I wouldn’t want to do anything else but it’s takes a lot __________, especially for a person who doesn’t like kids but realized she loves them better yet. And I did end up having children of my own, two daughters, which is much more difficult than being a teacher could ever be!!!
elaborate?
This quote resonated with me too! Powerful!
Not "to give" but to "gain" lol
Unfortunately, too many people look for someone ELSE to make them happy. That is putting an unfair expectation on a mere mortal, each with their own insecurities and weaknesses. If you're not happy with yourself, you never will be and will continue to blame someone else for something which was not their problem.
You are hundred 100% right. It gives me anxiety sometimes when I pay attention to my gf and feel like am not being her ideal man but at the same time I notice myself having expectations of my own from her which I should not have. There is no perfect formula but we do look for someone else to make us happy instead of looking within.
Well said
John C. Yep! For too long I expected someone else to love me into loving myself.
True n very selfish ..no growth
Amen John C.🙏
The message of the entire talk is beautiful but the last 30 seconds were my favorite. She getting emotional made me emotional too. The depth and sincerity of her love towards herself is absolutely inspiring and is definitely something I aspire to achieve in my life.
All l have for her is the utmost respect and gratitude for her being so honest, kalm and collective. A real learning experience for broken people.
I never wanted her to stop talking. I just love her 💖😇
+Adeoye Adedipe I was watching until she said she was married 3 times.. she does have many issues ... i love her hair tho
She's just dreamy!
Can you give us 5 reasons ?
BlackManTravel but who doesn’t have issues, I certainly know I have issues, it’s the norm, a perfect life is an outlier.
Lovely woman. And such a powerful moving message.
I think the sentence: "you have to love yourself like you want someone else to love you" is such an important insight...I will remember this. Thank you so much!
I grew up believeing that being "selfish" was wrong. But it's not, it is self care. I am going to spoil myself for these reasons.
So powerful! The first vows is so magic! This has to be the best Ted talk
Nothing more powerful than saying “I do” to you 💍
15 min very well spent. Every relationship we will ever have is an extension of the relationship we already have with ourselves. 😌
That's a great line!
Hadarah BatYah AGREED
Hadarah BatYah た
Hadarah BatYah the
Hadarah BatYah a few of them
In my opinion, this is the type of information that should be learned in school. There should be a course dedicated to building our youth in the sense of giving them direction and wisdom. Perspective is everything. Especially in today's world, so easy to get lost in everyday life that we lack the consciousness to reflect inwardly. I'm in my 30's and wish I had encountered this wisdom sooner. To live and learn.
Dale Roger Hmmm, most of these comments come from men who didn’t really study the feminism. To see what feminism really meant decades ago and how it changed today! There are some very educational and objective articles about feminism, all you have to do search for them. However, in order for a man to do that, he has to have less ego and be open minded, in other words less patriarchal! Good day.
Yes!
@@faniarethas2716 , nobody mentioned feminism here, I think.
Our parents are supposed to teach us these things but many do not.
It is an individual journey schools can’t really teach her effectively. Nor should they. This is spiritual and psychological work. Even parents are not effective at teaching this to their children. Because they can only teach to the level of their own growth.
I love this! She delivered some powerful concepts in her own words thereby making it so personal and really so perfect that I am in awe!!
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@@saintmarybulicek567 It just goes to show you how our own personal experiences have no relation to other peoples experience due to our own point of view and the decisions we make based on them.
Wow. Bravo! This is going straight to my Wisdom playlist. You have affirmed everything I have finally learned after a lot of introspection and learning after 33 years of ultimately failed relationships. Thank you for communicating this critical but complicated concept all so eloquently and light heartedly.
I echo your wonderfully expressed post!!
God when you said, “And I’ll never leave you.” I started crying. That was powerful. Really beautiful! Thank you for your story!
Me too!!
I cried as well.
Me : marrying myself Me : I deserve better.
bankerlang kharjana 😆😅
You didn't get the point then...
😂😂😂
😂😂
😁 there you go.
Amazing! That is a great story. I have been a widow for 5 years, and I am learning to love myself, and be with that. Someday I may be in a relationship again. Thank you so much!