Select the right relationship | Alexandra Redcay | TEDxUpperEastSide
Are you ready to talk about relationships? Alexandra Redcay is the executive director to Serise, Inc. She can be found at Seriseinc.com. Alexandra has over 18 years of direct practice, management, and training experience working in mental health, substance abuse, child welfare, juvenile justice, and education systems. She is an expert consultant in establishing healthy relationships.
In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)
"People tell you who they are, but we ignore it - because we want them to be who we want them to be." - Don Draper
"Say my name!" - Heisenberg
Love mad men ❤️ best quote imo followed by "that's what the money is for" 😂
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Maya Angelou.
@@souryabanik ddd
@Mikhele Corvinelli so true😭
We accept the love we think we deserve.
Diana Gorab You nailed it. She articulated something really well that I've been saying for years, "Why do you waste your time investing in someone who's happy?". That's a great way to look at it
Your a wallflower.
I am infinite.
you're
thirteenswan
I have recently walked away from a four year relationship after coming to the conclusion that he was not the right person. Even if you care about someone or even love them, nothing you do can change who they are. If you're not fulfilled now, don't ignore your feelings and settle for less, talk to them about what you need and if nothing changed or you still feel the same, leave. This isn't a practice run, this is your life. It is so scary but it the bravest thing you can do and you will forever be proud of yourself.
do you have a snap or facebook? I'm thinking about doing this soon and I need advice from someone who's been through this and knows what to do.
I am going through issues now with my wife. I've been patient for the past few years and now it's time to take a decision. You said it right.
thank you for this
Same here. I had to walk away from a 4 year relationship cause I realised he is not the One.
It's amazing how similar our lives are! Same here!! About 11 years ago, I just *had* to walk into this relationship I'm in right now. We're like BFs all the time, and look out for each other. Never been happier, particularly after some horrid relationships. I often look way younger than I am and feel light and chirpy. My partner too.
"Be brave enough to walk away". This is so important.
Thank you and I won’t chase a soul .
@Casimiro why could you dictate how someone would feel? Better to save yourself first.
She never told us to open our eyes again lol Edit: OMG thank you so much for the likes yall😍I‘m not commenting for likes but it sure feels nice😉
Hahah
+Tumealicious21 I fell asleep for 2 hours
Lol forgive her
Tumealicious21
hhhhh I need to see the subtitle !!
"Be brave enough to walk away"
True. It is hard be is the best thing to do.
I have rejected many a suitor. I don't find it hard. The problem is the one who gets your emotions involved. They are probably worse men than the ones you rejected. I personally could not go out with someone I know has cheated. But they can just lie about that. Also not a violent man. But it's possible to be the first victim, haha. I think men lie a lot to get a good woman that they do not deserve. They do not care that they will ruin her life. They will move on to the next one. But that is all that ever comes along, so if you reject them, a Prince Charming will not knock on your door instead. If they could, your mother would choose a better man for you. But he would be steady and dull. IF there are any real men, who are attractive, exciting and also honest, reliable and reponsible, i have never met one and I never see any relationship I envy either i.e. that i think is really good for the woman.
even from really good things :'(
I couldn't, for many reasons, but my husband did. He divorced me and I am VERY GRATEFUL TO HIM
But dude...bitches will say its "ghosting" 🙄🙄
"You can't see the picture when you're in the frame"
omg u right
You cant see your brain,because it inside your head
Weh, so how do we leave? Call abusive powers hoping to get a human and to have them tell you they have limited time! I don't have much friends because my life became a place to get away from people to work on myself and then have limited options because I put all my eggs in one basket for loyalty and to stay healthy and clean! People know thr answers, we haven't fixed anything! And then seeems people attack the resolves because the balanace is always out from imbalance! So frustrating! Couldn't we have lasting life's? And not be singled out from people who think they are above others because they got away with this time and time again and yet are in no way happy either
I agree with every word she said. Result: I have been single for 9 years now.
Get a dog
I wish I was as confident as you to be single
never listen women ))) or do everything opposite that they say, then you will have good result. lol
@@sergeyfilat4238 true lmao
I was just gonna say that !!!
She made such a good point when she said NOT to let the person u r seeing know what it is u expect from them right away because IF they just want to have sex with u, u just gave them a list of what to pretend to be like..............i will remember that
I agree. It's a very good and vital point. I thought I was being bold, honest, speaking up for myself in letting the guy know all that I wanted and expected. He just listened and took mental notes on how to "win me over". He did, I fell in love with his act based on the script I gave him, wrecked my life and left. I don't blame him. I was the one giving him the weapons with which he hurt me. For me it all comes down to self-honesty, self-responsibility and the most important self-knowledge.
Jay R absolutely.
Jay R Yes-sometimes if you let that happen, the ‘ pretence’ they enact may be a sign of narcissism which is soul- destroying. That’s the worst case scenario but even if it’s not , it will not be good.
Don't rush yourself finding the right partner, the right person will come when you least expect it. Determine what you really want, and set your standards accordingly because a man who really loves you is willing to raise himself in order to pass that standard.
But what I don't understand is what if we ARE that right partner..should we also raise ourselves in order to pass that standard?
Yeps
Ayjan Annageldiyeva yeah same question. But here’s what I think, both partners must have standards and if youre willing to be in a healthy relationship, each partner must compromise
So true!!
As a woman must raise to pass said standard.
Red flags just look like flags through rose coloured glasses.
Danny too soon for “I love you” I think. You should prob date first
Great saying, I'll keep this!
BoJack Horseman
Always loved this
Love is blind but hindsight is 20/20
In my experience, friends misguide a lot at times. And if we keep listening to them, its like showing low confidence in our own gut
Agree.
Even your own family is misguided Ive seen the worst behavior from them. So who to trust? Ourselves
@@jolo1738 Yes, we should trust our own selves a little more than the wellwishers
I agree, while it's nice to get friends/family opinion, I don't think we should solely rely on them. We know what's best for us. A good indicator when I meet a friend or family member's partner is seeing the kind of person they are when they are together - do they make them happy? do they challenge one another to be a better version of themselves? and are they kind
I agree with that. I don’t listen to my friends and family BECAUSE they are NOT in the relationship!
All I can say is that being in love is wonderful. 3xs for me. Sure it hurts when it's over. I was lucky. The 3rd time was the charm. That's was 33 years ago. We are still in love. She's my girl. Can't live without her.
That's beautiful, hope it happens to me too one day...
And your name is petet ! how ironic
@@mermaidmoon2254 Yeah, hope it happens to me too!😍
@@poojarawat1565 we're gonna, you'll see 😊✌
Many people have extensive lists of what qualities and traits their ideal partner has to have. If you box yourself in to a checklist you may miss out on some great matches for you. It’s almost impossible to find a perfect checklist partner, and when we think we have found it we throw all caution to the wind and disregard some not so desirable qualities. A great relationship has emotional compatibility
When we forget our worth we accept anything ( love ur self first) 💋
Mlle. Nina wéchen if you cannot be happy while single, then you are not ready for a relationship. Having a boyfriend or girlfriend, should be something that we want, not need. Singleness teach you so much about yourself, learning to love you and deal with deep things within. I am glad i took the time to love me. While everyone around me are in relationship, but they are not healthy ones, I'm learning from them of what not to do and what to look out for.
true
I read this thrice
This should be titled "Why you keep having relationships with the wrong person".
School of life already has a video titled that 😂
I think you are right
All the guys I had feelings for had red flags all over them. After my ex I decided to stop forcing myself to look for someone. I deleted all the dating apps, etc. Then a few months later I met my now husband! I love him with all my heart and he is perfect. We have been together almost three years now and just married. Sometimes it is better to not force yourself to look for love and it will naturally come! Trying to seek out love can lead to loving the wrong kind of people.
Awesome. What time sends out to us is worth waiting for if we are just patient. Your story sounds like mine. I know lt will also happen for me when the time is right.
wow I hope I'll be the same as you
Don't ever follow your feelings. That's not love.
@@lisabanta6353 did it happen?
👏👏👏👏👏
she is so right on so many things.but still,who says if you don't have the ability to pick the right parteners you have the ability to choose the right friends?
+Pavlina Constantinou I want to agree with you, but then she did say when you fall in love with someone it is like being a drug addict and asking people who have your best interest at heart is like getting a second opinion. Also, I think a bigger message, which went by quick, is to look honestly at yourself, who you are, what you value, what you love to actually do i.e. I don't like hockey, I like opera, or I want to go back to school someday and get my masters, or I want to move to Australia some day, etc. etc., be honest. Later YOU WILL be hones with yourself, and if this other person you're "in love" with is not truly suited to you (the real you that you really like), then you will leave someday. Better to wait until destiny brings you the right person I guess.
that is true,but still there are exceptions like the many exceptions we all know when your family or your friends are actually jealous of you &your happiness.all i'm saying is that i think she shouldn't be so absolute but genarally spaeking she is soooo right
+Pavlina Constantinou no of course there is jealousy but people closest to you are seeing the warning signs. Recuperating from a bad relationship is brutal, some may never get out of it. This is serious stuff and not to be so easily dismissed.
getting out of a bad relationship has nothing to do with that.if you love yourself enough you get out.period.it may take time but people that never escape those relationships are probably not unhappy enough or do not love theirself enough to do it.
Love the video :)
Compatibility. Once you understand you, you identify with is healthy for you and what is unhealthy for you. People need these reminders and eye openers.
Love & Metaphysics Couldn't have been said better.
Great
Yes, know (and love) thyself.
Temperament compatibility is important.
We should listen to our intuition all the time and especially in the beginning of the relationship. Listening to others is not always a good idea. People have different experiences and usually see things through the filter of those experiences. Our intuition is the best advisor and we should never ignore it.
agreed.
Absolutely not. Intuition is the LAST thing you should listen to...its influenced by so many emotions from past and present and can be very wrong. You need to make RATIONAL decisions based on outside evidence like the persons behavior and reliability. Keep your emotions and intuition out of it. They will distort reality.
@@anthonyiacobucci3652 I know what you mean, but I disagree with you. You are talking about the stage when we are alraedy attached and when sometimes we question out gut feeling because we already like the person. Intuition is something else. This is the very first feeling when on the surface everything seams/ looks good, but inner voice is telling us that something is wrong. Sometimes even body can communicate it (tension in the body, headache). People who are connected with themselves can feel it stronger than athers. Intuition is our inner wisdom and when we don't listen to it right in the beginning we usually end up in a situation that we will start questioning our own feelings and reality.
We tend to like people who make us feel familiar to the way we were loved as children and mistake it for intuition and gut feeling. But really it just feels right because its familiar. If you had good parents then you’re all good, but if you had bad parents, it’s best to make rational decisions and really think, not just base everything off of feeling and intuition because they can overlook a lot of things.
@@miriamaranda8 Intuition is something else. I know from experince that it warns us in the very beginning (literally on a first date max second date when everything looks so perfect), but if we learned in our childhood that love is painful, tough, conditional, that we are not lovable etc. we will automatically ignore this voice of wisdom and go for what's known. Most of the time people who have not done the inner work won't be able to make rational decisions anyway and will fall for what's familiar. Again, it has nothing to do with intuition. Big part of inner work is to learn how to connect with our heart desire and develop intuition. It is something we should work on through meditation, inner child work and other stuff. Please don't mistake intuition with trauma response.
DO NOT trust your narcissistic/jealous family & friends. Please do not blindly put your faith in your friends, even the closest ones
Exactly!!!! 👍🏻 this speech is totally wrong.
I understand narcissistic family but why are you friends with people who don't want the best for you?
"What?! I hope YOU like THEM!" - my fave part of this speech. Amazing.
Unfortunately, much of our ability to recognize red flags comes with time and experience - time to get to know yourself and experience with multiple relationships.
I'm beginning to believe I am not compatible for a marriage-type relationship.
Perfumaphilia i think what she is more hinting is that poeple who are close to you and know you well should give u advice when they see you doing a mistake
Exactly
@@Arachne-qw1vr And maybe that is something you will look out for in future relationships?
SO TRUE!
Am I the only person here addicted to the intonation and rhymth of her voice and the way she pauses to emphasize each word? An amazing speaker!
And her: "right? Right?" through the whole speech of her this points out. Haha
Never cheat on someone you love. You can never recover from that. It's true. It's so nice once you find someone and build a life together. It's hard. You bet. But it's worth it.
No one cheats on someone they “love”, that’s common sense.
@@DX-d true but in my case I cheated before I fell in love with him. Now I’m miserable because I told him the truth and I can’t wrap my head around why I thought it was okay to hurt another human being like that and I can’t ever imagine putting another soul through that type of suffering again.
@@DX-d Not necessarily true. One has nothing to do with the other.
You don’t love somebody if you cheat on him I’m sorry I don’t know how anyone can do that
My husband of 37 years cheated me with money..He gave most of his money to someone else(not a woman). I don't know what to do..... Any advice????
She's giving friends and family too much credit, a lot of people subconsciously want to see others in bad relationships like they are. Misery loves company.
nah brah, other way around.
I was pondering the same thing. who can u trust then?
Arch Angel your therapist and/or a professional matchmaker
+Thvndar but as far as i know therapists dont tell u out right of someone is good for u or not; they sort of lead u to make ur own decision abt the person right?
Arch Angel Therapists are like snow flakes, each one is a unique case.
My relationship with my dog is pretty good. My family and friends all agree and love her almost as much as I do. Adopting her was the best decision of my life! But in all seriousness, this was a really well done TED talk, one of the best. It totally supports the importance of not getting married until after the honeymoon period has passed and that drug like high that clouds ones judgement isn't as strong.
+Pibbles 'n Bits Omgosh, your comment made my day! Thank you. The love of my life is also the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm reminded everyday when he licks my face. Very much second that message of marriage being a thing you do NOT just jumped into without thorough, clear examinations.
Poochies are the best!
Exactly. And, unless you want a job description from the Dark Ages to procreate, there is NEVER any need to get married. You don't need to loose half your shyt when (s)he when her feeling change due to hypergamy.
Pibbles 'n Bits I need to get a dog. Lol
Pibbles 'n Bits I love my dog too; and he loves me back! 🚀
To everyone who is experiencing a difficult situation: To shoot an arrow you have to pull it backwards. So when life drags you back with some troubles, it means it's going to launch into something better.
What does it mean
I like that. It's like to go the distance you have to have force, develope strength. And if we're doing it right, it's when we're low that we 1) gain knowledge which will hopefully be turned to wisdom (putting that knowledge into -action- practice) and 2) find strength. When you're down, strengthen your convictions, your friendships, your hope. And those things will help get you get to your goal, whatever that is.
"The foolish person seeks happiness in the distance and the wise person seeks it under [his] feet." - what a great quote!! I really should stop with long distance relationships...
100 % TRUE!!! I repeated the same error recently 20 years ago!! When the relationship from 20 years ago ended, I promised myself I would never get into a long-distance relationship again. Just over one year ago I made the same error with someone that was 2 hours away from me. Two months ago I ended the relationship and the long-distance was a major obstacle to making it work. I know hope that I have finally learned this lesson
Fu** me. I jjst started doing a long distance relationship after being together for like three years and I have two years of school to finish down here and now I’m scared we won’t be together because he’s in Orlando
Communicating the important things and not sweating the small stuff. Love really is blind. My problem is that I over communicate without realising it is not being reciprocated. Time to be more real about my relationships with people I chose to love.
+AdjrianNickelodeon Good luck!!!
ckelodeon
Wise decison
Same here
It is not a problem if you over communicate that’s just you being you, if you then realized it’s not reciprocated, well at least you realized and realization is always later anyway.
Thank you for the video. I've just ended my toxic relationship. I realized it because of you. I was unhappy, now I'm free and it feels good! After 6 hard years. And guess what - I was the agressor. The solution was simple - we do not fit, we got to break up. I always hear those words "run, RUN. Be Brave, BE BRAVE!". Thank you!!
Lucy Benson lmao
How are you today?
MeMarie L I’m wondering how you’re doing after three years!?
Wow, i have all the recognition in the world for you to realise you are the agressor. Thank you for being able to hear out others.
Following
Not all parents are the "good parents" and not all friends are real friends. Sometimes it is very complicated when you have not a real support.
For those who don't agree with the listen to 'friends and family' part. She means people you trust, people whom you love and you're sure loves you. For me it's my parents and my cousin sister, for you, if may be your best friend. If you don't have even a single person like that, then you should be building a solid friendship instead of trying to improve your love life.
Amen. I have a lot of "mean" friends. They always have my back.
Agreed!
Totally agree. It's sad that most of the people here didn't get it
She is fucking awesome. Great speaker, can't believe the dislikes bar. Seems so small to most people but considering how good she was and charismatic with her oration and connection to the subject matter and her audience, her relatability, I don't understand how anyone could walk away unhappy with this talk.
Diana Muniz Because she gives too much credit to friends and family. She says that the community is "wiser" but the community doesn't know the full details, and they all have their own motivations, and also could be just as flawed as you are, or even more flawed than you in the area of choosing a mate. or maybe your friends and family will base their advice based on what they want rather than what you want. so yes, good talk besides that part. but that part is why I disliked the video.
Diana Muniz bet peliculas mejicanas
I entirely loved every moment of her talk. She was super into it.
Maybe they were scared of the truth, you know we humans like familiarity and if they defy our beliefs we get scared and sometimes angry and agressive.
Trueee.
I just broke up with my bf for 2 years when I could have done it when I saw red flags right on my face. But I am happy now I was brave enough and had courage to walk away from a very stressful relationship. Thanks for this video, very inspiring and an eye opener. I am excited for what the future holds...
It takes courage to leave and yes the red flags are there very early on. We tend to rationalize them and ignore and justify. oh well we learn and don't make the same mistakes again. lesson learnt 'being alone is a lot better than being with someone whose not good for you'.
Kairu so true.
@@kairu5607 Amen
✅✅✅✅❣️
@@kairu5607 no it takes courage to discuss...
"Well you just don't know him, he's different when we're alone" was my personal favorite. That difference in his behavior that I had fallen for changed towards the end of the relationship, he made sure I knew I was no longer his priority and used manipulation tactics I had never even heard of.
omggg im glad u wrote this comment which mean u r already out of this trap !! god bless and good luck to everyone of us. May u and I wouldn't hv to been mind manipulated by others anymore ;)
@@cherlychia781 👍🏼
Same....His charm blinded me to his Narcissistic Personality Disorder
I can really feel the care and compassion in her voice. Great talk.
The “I hope they like me” thing was like 🤯🤯
Love this talk. I'm a early 30's guy, looking for a relationship and definitely not a Peter Pan. Sure I like to have fun, which is important to me, but looking to have a life partner to have fun with (I mean fun as in smiling, traveling, and going on adventures). My favorite part of her speech was when she advises to be bold, I do this on 2nd/3rd dates, to ask those hard questions and it can really scare the wrong people off. It sucks to hear the answer you dont want to hear and it not work out, and I usually get sad about it because the search will continue, but I am hopefully it will work out for the best in the end. I have been in a 8 year relationship with the wrong woman, and the one thing I learned is to not settle, as it will just lead to trouble down the road. Online dating is rough I must say, but it can work out.
Thanks for sharing peace and love from Paris France
How’s it going now?
Oh, so are you dating someone online?
can you chat me on Instagram @ lindababe12020
ill definitely not recommend meeting people from online it is amazing to meet people naturally
She is 100% right! I was in a 12 years relationship when finally I realised it wasn't being my true-self! 12 years! Because I wasn't brave enough to ask the hard questions and LISTEN my ex-partner true answers. I am in a new relationship now, he has meet my family, I have meet his family, our goals are aligned, everything is great! The right person will come along eventually, keep it up! :-)
Good for you. Hope to meet that "right person" also soon. But I'm working on myself. Had this 12years relationship also.
This is really true in my experience. My father mentioned how my ex and I were not really a match and we should not be together. I was defensive and stayed with my ex. Wrong choice. I know what she means now. I think it’s important to weigh in others opinions - even if you’re not ready to make decisions based on others opinions at least take them in consideration.
I think she means know what you want and dont' compromise. She's talking about love from an intellectual standpoint.
Matadurgaarti
Many people have extensive lists of what qualities and traits their ideal partner has to have. If you box yourself in to a checklist you may miss out on some great matches for you. It’s almost impossible to find a perfect checklist partner, and when we think we have found it we throw all caution to the wind and disregard some not so desirable qualities. A great relationship has emotional compatibility
You are completely right. I've seen ridiculous lists on Match. 90% of the women are chasing the top 5% of men and that's a losing proposition.
Harmonious personalities with good traits are vital ...
Maybe a full checklist is a little overboard but knowing the main traits and what you really want from a person is quite important. Having a checklist that consist of a few or more things isnt bad because you can check if the red flags interfere with it.
LoveMe,com But there’s a difference between a sacrifice and a compromise. You can work with your significant other to come up with a compromise to solve a problem. But if someone sacrifices their relationship needs because the other person isn’t willing to work on issues- that’s not ok. That’s what causes hurt, resentment and anger.
Shame men are afraid of showing real emotion. They are programmed to be silent and they don't see the destruction it causes. The don't understand being yolked
My partner was cheating on me while we were leaving together for 2 years. Although there were so many some red flag, but she never stopped telling me how much she loved me and want to spend the rest of her life with me. So I kept on believing her lies and shoving the red flags. . Never knowing that she was having an affair with a guy that I know and they both kept it a secret. I got to find out when I open up to a very good business partner. How I have been noticing some red flags and he advised me on what to do and to find out for sure if she is being faithful. It was then that I realized that she was having an affair with this guy and they were secretly making future plans.. I was so heart broken by this but still grateful that I did the needful to actually find out. It is really such a painful thing how people plays with ones emotions.
how did you find out?
I employed the help of a professional, who helped me to uncover everything. here is the cn below,
1[559]
[3760]
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Omg. Who is this lady. This is the best Ted talk ever. I wish I listened this before my bad relationship for almost five years. This person is the best speaker.
Look up 'thefemininewoman' on line. Sign up for their emails, those guys are amazing for relationship advice :)
I wish this talk was like 1 hour long. Absolutely practical.
Very genuine, sweet and courageous woman not afraid to be herself and share her wisdom. Easy to listen to. What did I get from her discussion? I got Trust your own intuition--- but don't ignore the wisdom of others.
great summary; accurate
the advice of your family just works if yours is not toxic
..or even not myopic/biased. It's definitely not the Gospel for life. lol
Yep, my mother is a total narcissist and a moron.
@@Autumn_Forest_ couldn't agree more Tho both my parents are the same🤦
@@sen431 Well, I never really had a dad, but he went to prison when I was 3 or so. He died when I was 19.
@@lllewelll yes, i have seen my family too biased that i have to regret for trust them
Have to admit Im turning 50 this year and am finally dating the nice guy. Its not easy, Im accustommed to more drama from someone who cares less. The realisation is, I wasted my life before.
Me too but I'm only 23 I feel like I'm missing all the drama and pain cause the nice guy always support me, takes care of me, makes sure that I'm happy and never makes me feel lefted in tve dark but I can't feel that I love him
@@awatifana7154 thats because youre carrying alot of trauma. Not the guys fault. Your comfort zone is drama. Your subconsious is accustomed to it, its telling you dont deserve nice things in life becuase that not what you grew up having.
women are bored with nice guys thats why...and the US is quite a boring place to be honest if you don't spend your way to happiness and excitement
@@awatifana7154 what I consider "the nice guy" is a doormat that will do everything without standing up for himself out of fear that you could leave him. No thank you. I want someone equal at my eye level. But I guess everyone has a different concept in mind when they think of "nice guy". 🤷🏻♀️
Friendzone doesn't exist. You are just wasting time with the wrong person. ;)
The thing about this post that got is the part about the advise about friends and family. I think if you really LOVE a family member, or a friend, you will immediately know if their partner loves them too, and has good intentions. Its like you can smell it!
+Ale M.alvarez right! It's in the air! : )
"Be brave to walk away". Yes, I was. I was brave to walk away from a 5-year relationship when I realized that he didn't fit to me. Although my family and my friends advised me so many times but I ignored them because I thought that my love could changed him to be better. But eventually he didn't change anything after 5 years. So, I think we should listen the close people around us, because they are wiser and see more clearlier than us, who are blind by love.
When she said "Stop trying to change people who are happy" I now realize yeah, people don't change. Of course not for you; they love themselves more. And now I realize that's not a bad thing to discourage! Doesn't mean it is right to get cheated on, or makes it okay to date an abuser either. But settle for someone who you know shares the same values as you.
What if your family is crazy? I would never ask my family for their opinion on anyone I date!
Yeah that's what I was thinking too. My family is extremely manipulative and dysfunctional. I wouldn't want them touching my relationships with a ten-foot pole. In this case, just go with friends you trust. Friends can be the better family sometimes.
I think she's defining "family" as your social family, not necessarily your family of birth. . . the people you love and trust who love and trust you and want the best for you
+kumari de silva Not everyone has that, either, though.
Ebony Simon yes that is true, not everyone has even that
kumari de silva I have very intelligent friends and mom with healthy relationships. I would do this!
sooooo. according to all the videos about love and relationships I watched today, I should break up.
Knowing that, if it feels right? Then you have your answer
Same
Same, and I'm gonna do it now
Same bro
I love how encouraging she got in the end. Really needed this right now. ❤️
its true, sometimes when I reflect on my relationships. I discover that I ignored the red flags due to this addiction of love!!!!! thank u for the video
I totally agree with what she says. We all need to get over the idea of changing people its not going to happen. We either accept and like the person how they are or we don't. Never waste time with someone who is a peter pan. And don't ever lie to yourself. Listen and watch and enjoy getting to know someone new even if their not the one.
Since I was abandoned as a child I started to look for people who were "familiar" in the sense that they abandoned me again until this wonderful guy came around and I was freaked out! He was the total opposite of what I was used to, and turns out it was just what I needed. He was first my friend and now my wonderful boyfriend and future husband.
Thank you so much for your advice! So many people go through relationship trouble and are blinded by what they believe is the best thing they can get. With your advice hopefully people will see the bad and use the growth to help them live their life full out!
Thank you for the beautiful message. A part of wish that I would of heard this a year ago when I was dating a person who was dishonest, selfish and most importantly a player. I ignored the red flags because of “ love “ and advice from friends and family, who were telling me to leave him alone. I finally walked away after finding out the love he had wasn’t true. I wanted to “ make it work” but some people just aren’t compatible. I love myself too much to accept deceit and artificial love from a partner. Walking away was the most transformative action that has developed me personally in 2018.
Thank you. 17 minutes of wisdom to save you from wasting years with the wrong person! Where were you when I was in my 20's? I wish I knew this then...
I think family can go wrong too because of their personal beliefs and tendency to shape you the way they are.
Sooo true.
Need to bookmark this to watch before each date !! Keep reminders close
hhhhh
"Be brave enough to walk away early." This is the hardest when you're already hooked up on the idea that you're finally in love. I have to admit, this was my problem. I was holding on to the very few good stuff and setting aside the negative ones. But anyways, I'm being careful now. Been single for 7 years lol. Too careful now, I guess 😂😂😂
"The more kindness you show to a liar the more he is apt to lie, for he thinks that you know not, while you do know, but extreme kindness keeps you from revealing your knowledge." ~ Bahá’í World Faith
This talk changed my life when it first came out. It made me realize I needed to stop being concerned about whether I was liked - and be concerned about whether I like him! thank you.
this ted talk has been one of the best i've listened to so far!! it helped me so much. thank you
I was raised in a traditional Russian family, where it is common practice to convince their children that no matter what, it is their fault that the relationship failed, especially the daughters. Right because of the reasons mentioned - «oh, every relationship needs work», «you should stay with him, who else is going to marry you, if you have kids». It pains me that there is a person who advises to blindly trust your friends and family to either choose or not choose your partner. I do get that, while in love, person's judgement can be clouded, but still - giving someone else a responsibility to make such a big a decision - is a bewildering concept to me. And also, there could be a reverse story: your potential partner can be super charming while around other people while being a monster in private.
Карина Аруштова you will know if he’s a monster.. Red flags will appear
Couldn't agree more. Some families will ignore any red flags just to see their daughter married/fall in line with the program.
@@katiekatie4410 very true
It is an eastern European mentality to blame the daughter not a Russian one.
This talk is exceptionally good. Its for people who don't know how to end an unhealthy relationship, or not start another unhealthy relationship. It makes you stop and think before you choose. It makes you ask your date (because to say prospective partner is too grounding), what they want in life, and if it is something you want then there is a possibility you may click. It is so true, we make wrong choices that then drag and in the end we do not get what we want.
So needed this 25 years ago...oh wait a minute...my best friend, my mom and my oldest sister told me then...and I didn’t listen 😔
This talk could have saved me so many wasted, hopeless, "what was I thinking" years. Bless you!!!!
I just got out of a relationship that kept bringing me up and down and I couldnt understand why. Personally for me,this woman hit the nail on the head.
This is actually really good stuff. I totally related to when she said "I hope that they like me". good advice. I need to remember to watch this again before i go on a date. thanks alexandra
Right? My worldview completely changed.
If you watch this and implement it, then I am sure you won't make it to the next level, if you are Straight.
I do the same!
Thank you for not demonizing men with the Peter Pan syndrome. I'm glad you held the woman responsible for her choices and that you recognized simply that these men are happy, whereas the woman consulting you was not. Peter Pans are curious and fun. We arrange our lives around having fun in the world, and that often means saving money on "adult" things like house payments.
this is obviously not what she's talking about e.g., if she was saying "little people" for CHILDREN, and someone who actually has dwarfism gets offended. dude she isn't talking about you; its a metaphor
in this context when she says a 'peter pan man' she means a man who the woman in the example wanted to change into her own image, because she falsely saw his happiness as childlike behavior, which it isn't.
I guess you misunderstood what you said ! Peter Pan men know what they want but hide themselves very good till women can not be used anymore
She really touched in an important subject, people in love will never listen to their friends and family when they’re in love. And those are the people we can trust and who will be waiting for us on the other side of a bad relationship
The best video on this topic that I’ve watched so far. I like the list that she provided. It is actually helpful
Wow this completely resonates me, particularly with the red flag and friends and family displaying concern. Before I got into a relationship with my girlfriend at the time, there were alarming warning signs. I ignored them and my family's advice because I was infatuated. Now after the breakup, I realize wrong I was to ignore these red flags and how right my family was in voicing their concerns.
I think many people are very judgemental and quick to make decisions. People are sometimes too picky which is why they're alone when they're 40. Sometimes we see flaws in our friends/families partners and forget that everybody has flaws and the friend themselves probably have habits and flaws that the other persons friend acknowledge and we don't. I think we sometimes listen too much to other people. Listen to yourself, just REALLY listen to yourself because you are the one who really knows. If he makes you cry more than you laugh, lets you down more than he lifts you up, doesn't listen.. Then he isn't good for you. How do you feel when you are with that person? Do they bring out the best or the worst in you? Do they love you because you are honest with good intentions or love you because you look good? Be honest with yourself and you won't have to listen to advice from anyone else.
Missy Leigh: Thank you!
I love what you said. It is so wise. thank you!
My friends asked me "why we broke up? He is good man bla bla bla bla bla?" And i just "he is not good for me and for my health, thats all"
@@ncutca2909 I think I'll use that phrase.
Looking forward to your Ted talk. Spot on with your assessment
When everyone said to “Run”, I just stood and later on, I got run over by him 😂
Great speech!! My family saw my boyfriend at the time for who he was. I just wanted to be loved so badly by him, and ignored every red flag. He ended up very quickly showing his abusive side, and I tried to work things out. They only got worse. You have to pay attention to what is really happening and love yourself enough to leave before they leave you and break your heart.
Some good points, but exercise judgment on who to ask for advice. A good book to read is called, "Safe People" It's awesome for picking friends partners, and advisors. The psychologists are Christian, but don't let that put you off, It's mainly psychology, and not preachy, even mental health professionals use it. Its not just the same recycled pop psychology. If I were to ask my mom for advice, she would want me to pick the cuter presentable guy, even if he had a drinking problem. My sister would want me to pick the less attractive and unredeeming guy, because she wouldn't want me to be more successful than her. My brother who I adore would say, "Whatever makes you happy." My dad rejects everyone....
+Linda Rain exactly. i found that piece of advice to be ridiculous. it assumes that everyone in your life is in healthy relationships, which is a load of crap. it also assumes that your friends/family know better than you what you want and like and need in a relationship. which is also a load of crap.
+Linda Rain Actually I'm more into reading the book you mentioned because you said the authors are christian. I don't understand why or ever how that could be a negative thing lol I hope it's not because you've had some bad experiences that have left to unresolved hurt. but ya know Christians are people too lol and there are more of us than you may think.
Gongoozler I am because there are a lot of christians that think their religion is better than other religions and feel the need to either convert or condemn others that aren't christian.
Gongoozler I am I don’t get a negative vibe from you, but I do with some Christians. Since I am eclectic, I consider myself at least partially Christian, but not everyone agrees with the meaning of the term, and one could go into a long conversation about this. I guess one could be a fundamentalist with anything, whether it’s politics, sports, atheism, materialism, activism, etc; where it’s not so much about the cause as it is a personal agenda. I really like the authors of “Safe People” because I think they teach what Christianity is supposed to be about. They say there’s a difference between playing God and serving God, and there’s a difference between harming someone and hurting someone (it hurts to get your tooth pulled out at the dentist, but it harms you to abuse drugs). I use to think turn the other cheek meant, “Be a door mat”, but I learned somewhere that it meant non-resistance/pick your battles/don’t feed the flames or turn it into a power struggle, etc...
I totally agree. One of the most important things for me is political beliefs - because that can indicate whether we share underlying values. My Mum tried to matchmake me with someone whose political beliefs meant we would have spent the rest of lives arguing, but was from a good family.
Very great, insightful talk. I definitely dated the Peter Pan guys for a long time, and the red flags were everywhere. Lived with their parents, worked part time, were irresponsible, and were extremely selfish. I wasn't brave enough to walk away at the beginning like I should have though. Now, I've spent several months working diligently to become the independent, content, confident woman I am today, and my heart is finally able to love and be loved. I just entered into a relationship a few days ago after being single for 9 months. She's absolutely right. Within days of meeting him, I'm falling for him. I live far away from my family, so I can't rush an introduction there, but the fact that I WANT to introduce them to him is a great sign. I have introduced him to a few of my friends tho, and that went well. Great video. Great talk. Great topic.
Yes! We have been dating for a little under three months now, and things are going very well! We have both passed the time in our lives where Peter Pans are attractive. Now, he and I both express being attracted to independence, stability, political and moral like-mindedness, and future goals, among other things like sense of humor, of course. It it the first time I have been known AND loved. "To be known is to be loved."
Stephanie Cross update? That's awesome wish you both the best!!
There's nothing inherently wrong with living with your parents or working part time. That's just societal conditioning talking
What a wonderful talk!! I feel like the audience did not fully appreciate her humor during the talk. I loved this! Thank you!
Loved it .. no one can ever put this concept that clear to you. This is like a handbook to find a good relationship or to get out a bad one. Thank you .. this is wonderful and I bet an eye opener for many. I wish I had seen this speech earlier. I am happy that I found it Atleast now which helps me in making right decisions going forward..
Love your self first and do what you love to do… then there is no problem out side..
"action conquers fear = the more we do it, the more comfortable we get with it"
I would like to point out one thing: most people want to love someone, rather than be loved. So the choice happens to be who I can love even if that means that person is not good for me. We want to feel those things, to get lost, to be madly in love and forget that we eventually have to raise children and function together in a home. That's just my experience. Looking back i could have chosen the guy who really loves me and cares for me but i preferred loving someone truly even if that means not to be loved back. I'm willing to pay this price
Please remember you are making wrong choice if the the person doesn't feel the love for you or disrespects you that means you are wasting time. In my experience I had wasted 5 years of my life waiting for her but she never realized my pain and love at last I gave up.
This talk is on of the best talks I've ever heard it literally saved my life thank you. Seriously sometimes we think we know better than our friends and family but magically they get it right every single time. I'm not saying we should ignore our thoughts and feelings but we should listen to them and take their word for serious.
Are my eyes supposed to be closed this entire talk?
I know right!!! I closed mine awhile then I started laughing and eventually opened them wondering like you if my eyes are to be closed the entire talk.
She's assuming you are not in kindergarten and is following the lecture?
Haha
lmao
😂😂
One of the best and most practical talks on relationships I have seen!
Absolutely outstanding. She's a great speaker with easy to remember points. Very reassuring demeanor and voice. A+++++++
I really enjoyed this talk and so glad I stumbled upon it. I agree with the importance of asking questions that mean the most to us early on because, we’ll not only save time but have the advantage to assess whether that person’s vision aligns with ours. 💙🤓👌🏾
We need to have a "getting to know you" phase for about 3 years to see if we're a good fit for each other.
Great TEDx talk on how to select the right relationship. As a coach I fully agree with all your points, especially the importance of real self-assessment!
The problem is that my boyfriend didn't show his true self until at least 6 months in... all my friends and everyone loved him and still does. He's really charismatic and passive and he flatters people constantly so people love him, but he's completely different with me. My sisters can't believe the stuff I tell them he says/does because it's starkly different to the personality they see. It makes it that much harder to know who's the problem in the relationship, and that much harder to leave.
Please leave him. Trust and love yourself to take care of yourself - leave him. Ask yourself am I taking care of the younger version of myself by staying with him.
@thecommonsensecapricorn Run run run...
Wow so eye-opening and describes best what I have experienced my whole dating life. Now it’s time for me to change it and to be the creator of my life instead of beeing the victim💪🏽 To all of you, you’re worth it to live a life in happiness. Use your intuition and be brave💪🏽
Imagine the joy felt when finally discovering who you are quickly subsiding into the pain felt when subsequently realizing that you are a kind of person few people will ever be compelled to be romantically involved with.
the keyword there is "few" which means there are some people who would be interested. look at it this way you have a 12oz glass in the bottom you have 1oz of Jameson(alkies add2) It doesn't look like much but it's better then a completely empty glass. so drink up.
writerconsidered ***** Thanks for the encouragement!
Think perspective. That is just your perspective.
So much good, solid, family-oriented, loving advice!
“Love rules our mind” so true! Thank you for these spiritually relevant words
I overstayed in a relationship for more than 10 years after realizing all that she said about selecting the right person. Time and life experiences are the real teachers.
I think your user name says more than your comment lol..