The Big Secret to Finding Lasting Love | Bela Gandhi | TEDxChicago
Finding lasting love means finding someone who makes you happy long-term. It sound simple, right? It's not, especially when you analyze US divorce data. In this talk, relationship expert Bela Gandhi teaches why successfully finding love means searching for a partner based on identifying the characteristics you need to be happy, not just the qualities we are wired to desire in a partner. Bela shows the audience how to cleverly create the right “checklist” for finding the love of your life. Bela Gandhi has been helping people find love since college, and founded a coaching company, Smart Dating Academy to help singles everywhere. She is a media expert on dating and relationships and has spoken on the topic on local and national news and talk shows. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
It's been said that men fall in love with their eyes and women fall in love with their ears. However with age comes wisdom. Men learn everything that "glitters" is not gold and women learn that actions speak louder than words. If you want something different you have to do something different. "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary." - Oscar Wilde
Love this, and right in line with finding an elevator person :). Find someone who elevates you - and not just rely on things our body or society tells us are right :)
wow...really awesome lines....thanks for sharing!
Not interested in some 40 yr old single mom
Dream man 1. It's positive, calm, patient 2. Loyal and honest 3. Uplifting, about growth 4. Hard working, values family 5. Supportive and loving
I think we should focus not only to find elevator people, but and to be elevator person for someone ❤️
that's a great thought✨,everyone fail to realise that
HONEST FRIENDS !
I really like your thought process
So true.
You're absolutely right
Fake friends are easy to find & easy to lose But good friends hardest to find & hardest to lose.
absolutely
You're 100% right. Elevator People™ take time to find, and effort to keep. And, we can be Elevator People™ to everyone in our lives as well!
This means I never had a real friend because they are all easily lost when they are needed most.
like I always say, if you fall in love with other people's character you will find happiness in yourself for a lifetime
100% true :). Find an "Elevator Person™"!
I wish ill find my elevator person
This is one of the best and most useful TED talks I have ever heard. I knew a lot of this, but I have never heard it said so clearly, so understandably, and so effectively. Many thanks.
Thank you so much. You’re an Elevator Person ♥️💕
I know of a man who could help you restore back your relationship either your ex or soulmate
He was the one who helped me in restoring back my ex partner three days ago without delay
Whtsaap him"**
✚２３４８１４０7９９３２３🇺🇸🇺🇸⏭⏭⏭
If only we could teach emotional awareness, empathy and kindness and values in our education system...
You can’t pour from an empty cup. Put yourself first, and then you’ll attract someone similar.
YES!! Be an elevator person too! xo Bela
This is the sign you are looking for ❤️
Yes!! You are so right!! Thank you!! xo Bela
To break up with him, yes
Never really had a successful relationship and I am 44. My dream girl would be kind/sweet into the arts and beautiful in my own eyes. Someone who loves to be silly and ok with that
I cried when she talked about Anna and how Anna took a minute to start dating people who made her happiest. I just was disappointed by a guy who wasn't ready for a relationship. and I did pick him based on the list of being cute and ultimately being a caring good person even though he wasn't tall and he was a little socially awkward. and I'm proud of myself for following the correct list looking for how happy I felt. even though he wasn't at the point in his life yet to commit, and open up yet, I do feel like he was an elevator person.
I’m 52years old widow and business owner and ain’t giving up on love yet.💕☝️❤️
I wish I had that confidence♡
My grandfather: he always there for me, supportive, trust me even when myself don’t, witty, humorous, I feel safe around him,
Elevator people! How beautifully explained!! Will always remember this term.
Thank you so much - makes me smile :). xo Bela
@@SmartDatingAkademy hi bela, loved your 😆 talk,I hope god 🙏 fulfills all your wishes and you are my new role model lol and what's the name of your company?
Listening to these at 2x is a game changer, lots of speakers talking too slowly
Haha fellow ADHD person? 😊
not this one. it's so obvious. learnt nothing at all.
no, most people talk too fast. everything is too fast nowerdays
I loved this!!!👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Thank you! ♥️♥️♥️
Many people just want to be alone and accomplish that by claiming the other person isn't up to their standards.
True. It's very easy to keep 'tossing people back to the pond' when we don't want to find love :). Best of luck to you and thank you for your comment. xo Bela
I raised my hand when you asked who here has fallen in love with the wrong person. The wrong person doesn't reciprocate. I am alone. There is no we against all. The object of my attention and affection not only did not feel the same, but now does not dwell among the living, but in memorial. Now, my late, lost love. It is about finding one you feel good about devoting your time to; everything else is half-stepping. You can 'mark time' only so long, then you are seen for who you are- a pretender in the relationship.
Wishing you love and luck in the future. We have all fallen in love with the wrong person, and I send you optimistic vibes and energy :)
Sorry about what you’ve been through Bruce
@@SmartDatingAkademy Every kind word or thought is precious. Every deed is a sign from above. May I be worthy of the hope held for me.
So sorry to hear that .
We all have our attractions and our check lists and that largely determines who we consider dating, but most sensible people don't stay with their partners for a longer term unless these people stirr something inside them. We can't choose dating "elevator people" because it takes TIME to build such meaningful relationships..
You're right -- dating takes TIME, and to figure out if someone is an "elevator person" takes TIME! Thank you for watching!! xo Bela
This is the most realistic talk on dating and love
Thank you so much - I'm glad it resonated with you. Wishing you nothing but love!
Great discussion, there is so much to learn here. What more amazing is it's free knowledge. Thank you so much! Learning life is a only thing which can make you a perfect personality human being
Thank you so much!
@@SmartDatingAkademy wx
The problem with love is that it predates language. It's something we're programmed to do but it is being smart that prevents us from just loving. Think about it for a second. Those that stay together for life, do so because they ignore everything else. My dad was retiring from the military and mom was a stay at home mom and I'm sure it was very stressful as they made the transition between the military and civilian given the lesser income and more hour but yet they stuck together and never questioned their marriage. They've been together for 40 years. When you stop thinking, you realize what is more important.
kindness, if a person isnt kind nothing else will substitute
Of course, first liking/loving yourself & granting yourself grace, etc is always the best place to start from when seeking other people to love & be loved by ❤ T
Bela, this is a fabulous presentation! It is good to listen to this regularly in order not to forget we need to love ourselves first and the characters of our friends and partners. We all need "elevator people" in our lives!
THANK YOU Peggy!! Love you!
The most important thing to me in a guy is one who’s sincere and dedicated (2 things, actually). I’m still single for 5 years already. Every time I meet someone who seems sweet, approachable and positive, even if he’s not my “dream guy” physically, I try to connect and sometimes even slightly hit on him with the remaining force of optimism within me. They either refuse or just suggest some other male friends they have, who never attract me even the slightest. So no, maybe love is not for everyone. Maybe after 5 years of trying to meet and date and do it with all the hopefulness within me, with a big smile and a self-empowering feeling that I shouldn’t give up, I finally do. It’s been a struggle, but I’m finally done with it. I only wish to succeed in life to survive financially in this hectic, violent and cold-hearted world, and keep doing the things I do best to enlighten both others’ lives and my own. A guy who truly sees me and wishes to have the most profound and ELEVATED relationship of his life, simply doesn’t exist. Believing he does? It has only caused me sorrow, a broken heart, a false sense of warmth and nothing but unmet expectations. I’m off to cherish myself even in loneliness.
Fabulous and inspiring talk and idea! Imagine how much better our lives and the world would be if we endeavored to be elevator people to others and also looked for fellow elevator people in our lives? So simple and yet, so impactful.
I know of a man who could help you restore back your relationship either your ex or soulmate
He was the one who helped me in restoring back my ex partner three days ago without delay
Whtsaap him"**
✚２３４８１４０7９９３２３🇺🇸🇺🇸⏭⏭⏭
Thank you Ashlee!! I'm so glad you've found your Elevator Person, and LOVED sharing the TEDx experience with you. Looking forward to your talk!
Super amazing talk....kinda really useful....thanks for sharing!!
Bela this is fantastic! Really clear and thoughtful. Great perspective based on all your expertise.
Thank you so much, Andy! Much appreciated ♥️♥️
Lol. I am only looking for a kind-hearted man who is educated enough to educate our future children on how to be good and disciplined human beings. That's all, and yet I can't see that it in anyone who tries to get in my life. It's been 5 years since I am single and my family is already worried that I'll end up alone all my life.
Sending you BIG love and luck and finding your Elevator Person!! You've got this, and if you need more information to help, there are tons of videos on our KZhead Smart Dating Academy channel that can hopefully help! xox Bela
@@SmartDatingAkademy Thank you so much. I will surely watch all your other videos; I already did and I just can't stop admiring your teachings. God Bless you a lot❤❤❤
@@wegotthis3031 God bless you too! And thank you!
Zero divorces ? Bravo
I’ve been trying to apply this to my dating life but even when I stay open to meeting new people, even the ones that don’t initially conjure any particular feelings in me, I still don’t connect to the right guys. Not even for friendship. It makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong. I’ve done the deep inner work and am committed to continuing with it. This is a sensitive part of my life as I truly want to be with someone I can share my life with and grow and learn and experience all sides of love with. It gets tough.
you just havent met the right person yet! genuine connection is hard to come by :)
I hear ya 100%.. let’s go on a date 😊
It's because it often takes a bit of sampling to marry for willful love, rather than out of necessity or survival. All the survival traits should be there too in each partner, but now you get to also find the physically healthy plus emotionally healthy, since we're in a modern, relatively safe world (in 1st world nations).
A great 10 minutes Bela! Looking forward to 12/5! I'll be thinking about who in my life elevates me.
Thank you SO much!! Can't wait to have you on the Love Lab workshop :)
How about us been together, working hand in hand and makes things work out by being there for each other? By the way I’m Robertson
Bella! This is fantastic - so glad to be able to finally see it. Great job, friend! - Dr. Kristen
Thank you SO much, Dr. Kristen! Love you and your support - I can't wait for YOURS! xoxo Bela
terrific presentation. May God continue to bless her to guide others in finding love ❤
Thank you so much Sheena - sending you big love!
Who would have a relationship - any relationship - with someone who does not make him feel good, make him happy ?
Such a great observation! I already knew to pick my friends this way...now to try it for potential romantic interests.
I know of a man who could help you restore back your relationship either your ex or soulmate
He was the one who helped me in restoring back my ex partner three days ago without delay
Whtsaap him"**
✚２３４８１４０7９９３２３🇺🇸🇺🇸⏭⏭⏭
Thank you! So glad it helps, and keep us posted :). Love and luck to you!
such an awesome talk. really liked it
Thanks for the words of wisdom.
You’re so welcome! ♥️💕🙏🏽
Great perspective! Love this:) 🔥
Thank you so much!! You’re the best ♥️💕
I love the Elevator People story! And my new goal- to become a psychotic optimist!
Thank you and love this!! ♥️♥️♥️♥️
I know of a man who could help you restore back your relationship either your ex or soulmate
He was the one who helped me in restoring back my ex partner three days ago without delay
Whtsaap him"**
✚２３４８１４０7９９３２３🇺🇸🇺🇸⏭⏭⏭
That was fantastic, inciteful and such good advice!
Thank you so much, Ellen! All the best to you!
Hi Ellen.. I’m Robertson, can I know you more?
kind, fun to be with, nice to all kinds of people
Please KZhead algorithm sent this video to every girl out there🥺, my life would be so much easier.
LOVE this! Thank you! xo Bela
❤this is so inspiring ❤
খুব ভালো বলেছেন❤️
Height, looks, attractiveness ...surely not! How can people want pick their life partner based on their looks. How can we still be so shallow?!
Attraction is important, but you're right, it's not everything (especially if you're looking for long term love)! choose "elevator people™" instead!
Hi there 👋
I am also in the situation where i don't want to talk to anyone i just want to stay alone .Now I think love doesn't exist.
"Anna" Great story , every single person must hear this .
Thank you so much!!
Looks like my elevator friends are broken because if i fall down, i am falling down very fast and nobody will be there. Thanks life, you teached me how to cope with falling bad on your own 💫
I always think that way !
♥️♥️♥️
So simple but so wise
Yes, I agree
Simple, yet powerful👍👍
So glad it made an impact - thank you for the kind words! 💕♥️🙏🏽
Thanks for sharing 🌈
hope i can find the one that i really choose and chooses me back as well
Terrific advice!
Thank you so much!! xo Bela
This was fantastic! I'm so proud of you!! Also, I'm proud to report - that's him! ❤️
Thank you so much!
And I am sooo glad that’s HIM! ♥️♥️♥️♥️
All true thumbs up!
This was incredible talk
Thank you so much! ♥️💕♥️
Its good discussion, thanks a lot
Thank you so much!
@@SmartDatingAkademy you're welcome
❗Yes❗ It's BEST to seek internal qualities and not external attributes . HOWEVER, MAKE SURE that the person who possesses the internal qualities you NEED, make sure they pursue you or the interests is mutual, otherwise, you will be waiting indefinitely for him to make the right move. Make sure his intentions are shown through ACTIONS & not words💝
I didn't notice a single word about what Anna could give her partner. What qualities did she have that mached his elevator-list?
Good question - we had ten minutes for the talk so I couldn't cover everything! xo Bela
We'd probably know if he were the client.
Just an observation, but I detect bitterness in your question.
Fantastic, Bela! I felt like I was watching a good friend. Thanks for sharing these important tips for finding lasting love. ❤️
Wow! Thank you so much! ♥️💕♥️
I'm dating a guy who has no hair, a beard and has two children he's also my best friend
I'm moved by the authenticity and depth of this content. A book with parallel ideas profoundly changed my life. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
Awesome ✨ love her ❤️
Thank you so much! ♥️💕♥️
J think I should focus on those that gives me joy
Yes exactly!! Love that you understood that!
@@SmartDatingAkademy it took me time tho cause I never wanted to fall in love again
I know of a man who could help you restore back your relationship either your ex or soulmate
He was the one who helped me in restoring back my ex partner three days ago without delay
Whtsaap him"**
Am I the only one who has settled for those who don’t meet my list but yet I have a shot thinking things could work yet they didn’t time after time and now I just feel like I should be pickier and simply increase my standards until someone is at par w me.
You’re not the only one who has settled! Choose people that elevate you next time and you’ll be on a better path hopefully ♥️
Gran reflexión
Thank you!
Make sure to have similar values and same ideas about important life topics. Be real because it will come out anyway if you fake it in the beginning. Online dating is what YOU make of it.
Thanks a lot , now I have finished with the mistake and I find out my lover
Good luck to you in finding a lovely partner :)
Elevator people... because they... elevate you...
Yes!! You got it! ♥️💕♥️
Hello 👋 Optimism is the one quality more associated with success and happiness that any other. Brian Tracy
Absolutely - become an optimist, or a "psychotic optimist!" It's a more fun way to live life :). xo Bela
This was fantastic. I believe her, but it's still hard. Finding the right person is tough. But, I will make my list with elevator people qualities and the next time I date, I will use that list instead of the "perfect man list."
So glad to hear that you'll do the Elevator List!! It will change things for the better!! :) xoxo Bela
That gonna be cool.. how about we go for a date Suzanne? You can use the list on me😊
This is really a good TEDx talk ❤️
Thank you so much! xo Bela
@@SmartDatingAkademy you're welcome Ma'am.
🙏🏽💕
Amazing
Thank you so much! xo Bela
She’s right about one thing…evolution is the problem. It should have stopped at the dog. They’re loyal, trustworthy, playful, protective, unassuming, selfless, don’t keep records of wrong, etc. Basically….not human.
😂 🐕
Sometimes hearing the most obvious thing is just what we need to make the light bulb go off.
So glad it turned the light bulb on! ♥️💕🙏🏽
❤️ it! So true! I have a list, but will make some changes! 😊 Love your enthusiasm for love!
Thank you so much and I hope you’re feeling optimistic too! ♥️💕
What happens when you begin to really love someone is that you want to please them. You don’t want to hurt that person in some way. This can be our guidance on this human journey. That we always consider when making a decision, “Is this pleasing to the Supreme Lord or not?” If a person feels that they want to be in the world of love and not in the world of lust, then all they need to do is hold onto the love and mercy of the Supreme Lord. This loving connection will protect you. Regularly hear and sing His Holy Names. We would like to share a very nice ancient wisdom quote: Pure love for the Supreme Lord is eternally established in the hearts of the living entities. It is not something to be gained from another source. When the heart is purified by hearing and singing, this love naturally awakens.
😂😂😂good one...I so agree
Awesome !
I think she had a lot of amazing points. However, I don’t feel like it’s as easy as what she is saying.. it would be amazing if we could do just that… it’s nice to hear success stories though
So sad to be seeing this now. But I guess it is better to have loved and lost.
It's never too late - wishing you the BEST!!
@@SmartDatingAkademy Thank you Bela. Didn't expect YOU to reply. I really appreciate this video aloooooot.
Everyone wants good partner who take care.
Very true! Choosing elevator people is an amazing step to get there!
@@smartdatingacademy yeah!!!
@@GauravKumar-ri4en Best of luck to you!
I’m 30 years old and may not be the tallest but I have lots of love to give and if that day came, I would do anything to make her happy. Anything
waw yeah couldn't agree more
Thank you! ♥️💕
If you are superficial about the things you believe you have to have in your life - well, then you really need the lesson this woman teaches you. Might this be a specific USA-problem? According to the rates of failure, I guess it might be.
Thank you! xo Bela
Divorce isn’t a USA specific problem 😂 people are naturally just superficial
I'm a single american living in europe and it seems that there is less superficiality here on the dating sites, less emphasis on career status, income, how tall you have to be. I'm not saying it's non-existant but there is less of it. Character, ie. honesty, kindness etc. are higher on the priority list.
@@geoffoakland that’s really interesting and good to know - hope you find love there!
@@geoffoakland Thanks for being able to grasp our vibe😜.
Great Job Bela!
Thank you so much!
love isnt something that reside outside of you so you dont find it by looking outside of your selve you find everything by going within its the true eesense of who we are and thus reside within us no one other than self is need The love we have longed for all our lives isnt going to be delivered by a relationship the peace we have longed for isnt going to be delivered via a situation it has to be internlized
Thank god I saw this 🙏🙌
Thank you so much!
Elevator People = love it. Great Tedx! And as a 5'8" man = THANK YOU.))
Go Bela!!
Thank you love! You’re the best! ♥️💕♥️
Friends today may become enemies tomorrow.
I love it
Thank you Delfina! xo Bela
I found a love that's lasted since 1987. She's never made me happy; nobody can do that except me. She's never been mine. But it's been the most important love from someone not related to me I've known. I would be happy if I found someone I can continue to be happy with. But I don't care about how long it will last.
Do you really love and respect yourself?
Good!
Thank you!!
thanku mam👍👍
I know of a man who could help you restore back your relationship either your ex or soulmate
He was the one who helped me in restoring back my ex partner three days ago without delay
Whtsaap him"**
✚２３４８１４０7９９３２３🇺🇸🇺🇸⏭⏭⏭
TLDR; being shallow will find you "shallow" love. Look for "deeper" traits in people and you'll find deep love.
Good
Thank you! ♥️💕♥️
it's not that the elevator people are hard to find, but the social elevator itself is out of order maybe, anyway there's always the stairs ... no?
I know of a man who could help you restore back your relationship either your ex or soulmate
He was the one who helped me in restoring back my ex partner three days ago without delay
Whtsaap him"**
✚２３４８１４０7９９３２３🇺🇸🇺🇸⏭⏭⏭