Overcoming the Fear of Love | Trillion Small | TEDxSMUWomen
Do you have love on the brain? Well, for some, love can be frightening if you’ve tried it and it failed. This talk explores how we can become fearful of love and how to overcome that fear so that you can continue to build that healthy relationship you desire. Trillion Small has a Ph.D. in Clinical Counseling and is an adjunct professor at The University of Texas at Dallas in the Behavioral & Brain Sciences Department. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a certified John Maxwell leadership coach. She is the owner of Attachment Leadership, LLC where she provides customized wellness & leadership development programs, emotional intelligence corporate training, and youth development curriculum. Additionally, she is the author of 5 books. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
whenever im not talking to anyone, i want to be in a relationship. when im close to being in one, i start to panic and push the person away and sabotage myself. idk how to stop feeling like this ugh.
Same. It's like I'm constantly looking for "the one" that won't hurt me, but when I get any hope it could actually work out with someone, I panic and try to fight my feelings
You have to really look into who you are. What demons do you have in you that are unaddressed? I threw away the love of my life and a relationship of 6 years because I never faced those demons and broke down my walls until it was too late. My pushing away method was neglect and I never noticed it kept getting worse and worse.
shayna bruhhh same
omg i love you for this comment
honestly, same xd
Its me. I am that person that pushes everyone away. KZhead is shady for recommendin this
Chile Seats 🤣 super shady
You're even pushing the youtube algorithm away! It's just trying to help you.
@@Aer0xander damn the facts of it all
Anyone with symptoms of mental health issues should check out the Andrew Cutler protocol. Google «andy cutler rebecca rust lee» for a great article explaining the protocol, and search for the success stories, and «what not to do» as there are things that you might be taking that is hurting you, like cilantro and chlorella. Wish you all the best
You even pushed ME away. .....remember in high school. ??
2 lessons from this 1. Be vulnerable 2. There is no shame in trying. It's ok to be vulnerable and accept love♥️
It's not ok to be vulnerable when all people do is invalidate you when you are vulnerable.
It's so scary to be vulnerable
@@jerrygodleads9772 right. I can’t even deal with being left on read.
same.I overthink when being left on read.I think the only way out is to communicate in person so that you can feel their expression and body language,not just a steely "read".
It's not love that scares me. What scares me is the chance of being betrayed or cheated on, or be abandoned because they fell in love with someone else when you promised to be forever. I've seen so many examples of this that I'm scared of trusting people will be good and loyal
That's the same thing
Love is a different vibration ❤
It can also be from past failed relationships. You learned that to love is to feel loss. People will push others away, in order to feel safe again. A misconception is that it’s easy to feel intimate with others you care about, but this isn’t true. In fact, it’s more difficult with those you love, since your fear of being hurt is stronger. This is also due to past experiences of betrayal (in romantic relationships, friendships). You learned what to expect, and you don’t want it to occur again.
I get panic attacks when I develop feelings for someone.
mlamba Lulu thank you for sharing. Can you think of the very first time you developed feelings for a person and a panic attack resulted? I believe that if you deal with the root source then that will help the panic attack’s to subside. Sometimes panic attack’s are “muscle memory” that can be unlearned with continuous exposure and use of coping tools to reinforce that you are safe when you feel. Thank you for sharing.
@@TrillionSmall I remember I was 12 it was a silly crush but I still got a panic attack of course at that age I didn't know it was a panic attack...how will exposure therapy work?
Dr. Trillion Small u
mlamba Lulu I pray that I don't get trapped into these feelings. I'm traumatized by this kinda love too. No wonder it's only in movies 😂😂😂😂. I've programmed myself to not get there and if I see signs I 💃🏾💃🏾💃🏾💃🏾💃🏾💃🏾💃🏾💃🏾💃🏾
😭 felt I got trust issues
LOVE didn't hurt, abuse, or leave you.. It was the PERSON that you loved that did those things to you. 16:17
sword blacksmith - 👍If only people could realize that fact. 💞
Anyone with symptoms of mental health issues should check out the Andrew Cutler protocol. Google «andy cutler rebecca rust lee» for a great article explaining the protocol, and search for the success stories, and «what not to do» as there are things that you might be taking that is hurting you, like cilantro and chlorella. Wish you all the best
That part made me cry so much..
Yes, the person that you loved, not the person that loved you. The person that truly loves you cannot hurt you, because he(she) takes you as a part of himself(herself) and he(she) don't want to hurt himself(herself). The person that loves you can only hurt you by his(her) stupidity, but not by bad intentions.
@@m.r.5990 People are human and we make errors, what we think is not hurting someone could be hurting them in their way of thinking it. So people that love us can have the ability to hurt us. There is different interpretations of what Loving someone means
This was amazing. She gave us personal experience, emotion, neuroscience and spirituality... So glad I stumbled in to this. Truly liberating expression.
Everything Dr.Trillion shared in her talk was just registering for me. She delivered the neuroscience aspect in digestible doses and cushioned it w/ personal and relatable anecdotes. But it was Dr.Trillion sharing her own "extinction" moment and her parting words to the audience that left me in tears.
When she started talking about her dad I cried,I wasn’t even aware of how damaged I felt
I'm glad I could connect with you on a deeper level. You too can find healing. You have a precious heart.
I cried too. I wish my dad told me I am awesome
@@yegra Anything a little more uplifting than you're a worthless piece of sh*t would have helped. I am honest to god not sad he does not live anymore. On the other hand, it would be good for my love life to finally get to really forgive my parents for raising me the way they did (if they had known better they would have done better, right?)
I cried too. As a girl whose dad died right after my 11th birthday, I'm forever haunted by the thought that he never loved me enough to stay and that he will never be proud of me no matter what I do. Just wanted to say you are amazing, beautiful, kind and intelligent. I pray you face your fears and find the unconditional love that you deserve!
You’re awesome and beautiful and you deserve every great thing in this life❤️
I’ve never been in a relationship and grew up in an awesome family, but for some reason I’m terrified at the thought of being in a romantic relationship
Me too dear....never had a boyfriend and the thought of having one scares me. I usually run away when a guy tries to talk to me or confesses his feelings how hilarious
Me too... like I generally don't care much for romance but its not like I hate it.. but the idea of an actual relationship I cant do that
I am the same.
You just spoke my life
@@mercymatute6211 you get used to doing this so much you can actually tell when someone wants to approach you even in a crowd
She deserves way more applause and a stronger crowd. What a beautiful and helpful concept. Do not be afraid to experience love
Anyone with symptoms of mental health issues should check out the Andrew Cutler protocol. Google «andy cutler rebecca rust lee» for a great article explaining the protocol, and search for the success stories, and «what not to do» as there are things that you might be taking that is hurting you, like cilantro and chlorella. Wish you all the best
Tamanna Syed indeed!!!
Tamanna Syed Agreed. She’s so science, it’s super cute!
Amen!!!
TRU!
At age 12 my mom told me all a man will do is hurt you, I'm 56 two children and never married, her words still haunt me and she is dead and gone but her words are still follows through every relationship I have, I've been sabotaged in love by a woman who never experienced love herself.
Awww I am Soo sorry for how u feel. I understand how powerful words can be especially when it is from someone you trust/respect/look up to; Mum. But sweetheart, she was telling you her experience about men without clarity. Let's not make her experience ours. She lived in her time, and met/saw her kind of men. But would u overwrite this "fake truth" with ur own truth?😘 Even at 56, once u r not dead, there is hope for u to find good men. Believe this new truth, and turn to God to direct ur path to good men; He alone knows where they are. He alone knows the fakers clothed in sheep's clothing. Trust Him Babe😘 Whose Testimony do u believe? Your Mom's or the Eternal and Loving God?😊 I Trust U that u will make a better choice. See u next time here with a testimony 😘 God will give u double blessings for ur troubles 😁. Remember Job. I Love U😘 Take Care Love❤️
I pray that word curse is broken off of you and that you experience the unconditional love you so desire. ☺️❤️🙏🏽
Thank you for sharing. It helped me. You are lovable
It's not too late you Still Alive 🙂
My said the same too
She is sooo pretty
Hëila ķ thank you :)
Yes 💜💜💜
And she’s a boss, educated, respectable, independent woman. :)
Very beautiful
Dr. Trillion Small beautiful
My trust issues are ruining my youth and this terrifies me, I don’t want to end up alone but once someone gets any close, my guards immediately find their way up and I keep pushing them away then hate myself for them leaving. I don’t want to get attached to anyone because getting attached to anyone means giving them the power to hurt me by leaving and the cycle goes on.
Potato Potato feel this so much 😔 I’m 29 and I feel like I wasted my life hiding from liking someone because every time I open up to someone, they stuff up and i end it. It’s been exhausting.
Potato Potato I’m still learning to take the risk every time
Joesphine.a I promise you deserve the best and no matter how old you are the right one will come, I had my father abandon me and my mother almost left me as well and I have no siblings, For two years I’ve felt like the loneliest human being ever, the world has only shown me the worst side of it, there’s still a part of me that contains a mere glimpse of hope that maybe I won’t be lonely anymore, I’m off my antidepressants now but I have my days, healing is hard but we’ve got this, you got this and I’m here if you need to talk my Instagram is Dohaemad89 if you need to vent
Joesphine.a also learning takes time and so does healing, you got this ❤️
@@joes2041 wow am still young maybe I should learn something
"We will never be able to reach our fullest potential if we do not obtain a sense of love and belonging."
Somtimes it takes more than a buisness and self! And alot of the times people need more than messages of upset to bring joy! We are not perfect, yet people could be more kind with messages at time's!
*love didn't hurt you it didn't abuse you it didn't leave you, it is the person you loved that did all that* wow, such powerful words
I feel attacked that this ended up in my recommended, but it’s necessary because I do fear love. It’s something I’m persistently trying to overcome because I do want to love freely and receive love freely. ❤️
Anyone with symptoms of mental health issues should check out the Andrew Cutler protocol. Google «andy cutler rebecca rust lee» for a great article explaining the protocol, and search for the success stories, and «what not to do» as there are things that you might be taking that is hurting you, like cilantro and chlorella. Wish you all the best
YOU ARE LOVED❤️ YOU ALWAYS WERE & YOU'LL ALWAYS BE 🌼✨
I don't think that is an attack. Think of it as a hearing the silent scream.
SpottieOttieDopaliscious Angel you feel attacked? That’s a very strange descriptor to use.
Same. I cried because I was mad that she's right about all of this
who else has father issues?😅 I usually crush on guys that are totally unaittanable and when there is a guy that has a crush on me I'm totally perplexed and run away from him
I'm convinced that's where my issues with relationships stemmed from. I thought I was avoiding men like my father by not dating white, Republican, Trump supporters. But I still ended up with toxic guys because they ended up being controlling, manipulative, and mentally, emotionally, or verbally abusive like him. I'm terrified of being with someone because idk if they'll end up being like that too whether I realize it or not 😞
I have father issues..sigh
@Lebogang Boya ❤️
Me, totally
I relate hardcore!! And if I like someone and find out he liked me back I instantly stop liking him. I’m almost 21 and still never been in a relationship
The girls of my past definitely had a fear of being loved. All of them only knew violent and emotionally abusive relationships. Sometimes I wish videos about self help, openly expressing emotions and loving ourselves were more common. We all want love, but sometimes the "what if" monster comes creeping in and messing everything up. Thank you for the video!
I was/am one of those women- I still can picture the face of the man I love(d) said to me: "It's like you want me to be violent or hurt you in some way" I knew he was right and he eventually left. I say this to say- the takeaway from this relationship was showing me what healthy love can be- and doing the work to be able to maintain it. I pray you find the love you deserve.
I have realized this is an emotional response that I have due to past trauma, and I’ve decided to actually do the work and try to heal myself, or at least be more aware of when I’m acting from a place of fear instead of love.
Yes... that what if monster 😰
it really hurts to have your love rejected or "not be enough" until you realize that its not about you.. its something that they need to work through. but its still super heartbreaking to see someone you want to help and love so much and still not be able to just make their negative thoughts and feelings go away
She definitely deserves better audience!!
I want to protect myself so bad, I need like a thousand reassuring signs from a man before I let him know that actually I like him too. By that time they are fed up and think I'm not that interested. I don't even know where that comes from since I've never been in a romantic relationship
This is incredibly relatable 😂 every time I start to have tiny feelings for a person or when that person did something really nice to me I just keep telling myself "nah there's nothing in between us"
I'm protective of myself and my friends
I totally understand you and I think it stems from a fear of rejection and being afraid of being vulnerable and putting yourself forward just in case you are not accepted by the person that you like or care about
Daddy issues....
This is me🤦🏾♀️
So in other words: take responsibility for your insecurities and don't project those things onto people you don't know that well. It is unfair and completely irrational to believe the person standing in front of you that you just met is at all the same person that abused you in the past.
Don't bleed on the person who didn't cut you.
No, It isn’t just “insecurities” it is subliminal fear programming based on experiences that can go back to infancy....
Okay... that’s true but could have been delivered with a little more empathy. Also understandable how placing the responsibility of being healed on the other person can be burdensome and most times detrimental. I will say this.. sometimes the best way to love someone is to reciprocate how they love you. It communicates to them that you love them just as much.. particularly for a wounded person, it really does take a lot to love & trust again.
It's no irrational but maybe unfair, if they haven't given you any red flags. It's not as if odds are against anyone else hurting you. It's what we do BUT there are also people capable of loving you. You have to just keep taking the dive UNLESS you see red flags that show that the deeper you go this person could be mentally or physically abusive.
@@erinnicole4113 Pretty hard to do when you got ulcerative colitis tho
There are many books on the shelves of countless bookstores that deliver a sense of warmth and comfort, yet the messages are ambiguous and unfeasible. You only feel better the moment you are reading, but after, there is nothing left. Those books were exhausting me. They were good stories that simply could not be applied to my own life. That's why I made this clip: "paradox of I can do it" (on my KZhead channel)
I can truly say that watching this has changed my life for the better. It made me realise things that I had been hiding from myself for a long, long time. Firstly, I was in fact afraid of love and intimacy. Secondly, deep down, I knew exactly why. Thirdly, I knew all along exactly what I had to do about it, and strangely enough, it didn't actually end up being that hard to do. Thank you Trillion for your brave and honest talk.
May I know what caused you to fear love and intimacy?
how did you fight it?
She's so bright, funny and smart, it's a delight listening to her! A really insightful talk!
Thank you @Nika
I found myself being drawn to unavailable men, I attracted broken and dismissive men until I took a journey within myself and I discovered I was doing myself, started dating my boyfriend and the first week, I had a panic attack because he was everything I’ve always wanted and needed , I had to gradually talk myself and still talking myself out of it . Thanks for this
Anyone with symptoms of mental health issues should check out the Andrew Cutler protocol. Google «andy cutler rebecca rust lee» for a great article explaining the protocol, and search for the success stories, and «what not to do» as there are things that you might be taking that is hurting you, like cilantro and chlorella. Wish you all the best
Siri Olsen Are you saying that these thoughts and feelings might be because of certain food or medication?
@@siriolsen7805 omg so cilantro is bad...thats like telling me kale or fruits are bad..what do I do as an alternate now? So much to figure out.
Any updates?
This gives me hope!
Just yesterday I was having dinner with this handsome, educated, incredibly emotional available guy. All I have ever dreamed of! And had a panic attack, got out of there running convinced I did not wanted to be with him. I could feel he was too good for me and I wasn't enough, but I am! Thank you for this talk
I feel you❤ You ARE worthy of love❤
I’m truly relate with you.
So how do you intend to approach a guy that you like? Did you try to react differently from that time with this handsome and educated man?
What happened? Did you continue seeing this guy? Did you find a new guy?
Thank you so much, I have recently met an emotional available, smart and a fun person too but felt like he was too good for me. I am unintentionally pushing him away. I am still scared of to death but at least I will give it a try
"Love didn't hurt. Love didn't abuse you, it didn't leave you. It was the person that you loved that did those things to you."
"I just got so scared because I'm so used to being taken advantage of." "But why would I scare you?"
I am in love with the most kindest, emotionally available, confident and charming man. He is handsome relaxed and happy. I met him while traveling. I have met a guy who communicates with me each day by calling me and asking how my day has been..he sends me lovely messages.. I know that I deserve a man like this as each person requires and seeks unconditional support and love
Lucky you
Beautiful and blessed
💜💜💜💜💜yessss so happy for you!!!
Wishing you guys the best of luck!
Please i will be your student😅 teach me thy ways sensei
I get so paranoid (possible anxiety attacks) when I start to catch feelings for someone. I start thinking about past relations they’ve had and potential ones. I start questioning their feelings towards me then I self-sabotage. Kinda like beat them to the punch type of thing. I can’t really seem to stem this habit to one specific event in my life tho. I just know that I’ve been hurt by people I truly cared about.
I get sick at times🤣when I like someone
I have same problem but when I get in Good relationship. Then it becomes like Prophecy, I try to find slightliest mistakes in every Word, how Something was Said. Like real overanalyzing. To the point that my Mind gets so messy. I become than paraonid about EVERYTHING IN MY Life. Not Just relationship, but friends, Family... Other innocent people. When I am Not in relationship, EVERYTHING ist FINE. Even If i guy is so great at the Times and doesn't do any mistakes, then I think, Well in Future, He will not Love me anymore, or he will cheat on me... When I am in My PMS, it gets worse...
That hit deep... I've been hurting and pushing people away making my self unavailable.. overthinking, balancing and comparing. Shielding my self in ideals of journeys of self love and independence (which I don't regret). But, I'm exhausted you guys. There's this awesome guy who has been there waiting for me to be emotionally available,... this talk is the push I needed to fight my fears and "go canoeing" if the term works... Thank you!
Same!!! always self sabotaging relationships & friendships trying to beat them to the punch 🥺😭 wow but we are more than deserving of love ! From ourselves and others ❤️
I can relate to feeling anxiety when I start to have feelings for someone. I have been hurt by a person I've truly cared about, my father. For close to eighteen years my father was estranged. I had no contact with him and the first few years of the estrangement I lived in a vehicle with my mother and in the homes of different friends. Recently, a man has expressed an interest in me. I am legally married, but currently not with my husband. It's very difficult. Not being in a relationship is difficult, but what makes it very difficult is that the person that has expressed an interest to date me does not share my religious beliefs. Love. I want to LOVE and to be LOVED, but I fear that a relationship with him wouldn't work out because he doesn't share my beliefs, which are a core part of my life. Also, what Trillion discussed in the Ted talk resonated with me because of the survival mode I was in and the hurt that I experienced by my father I believe I associated being with him with abandonment. I think my brain is hard-wired to associate a man and when he expresses he has feelings for me with hurt. I want to overcome this, but don't know how. Help.
"we accept the love that we feel we deserve" ~ the perks of being a wallflower (I think)
"Try love again for just one more time" . Beautiful.
She deserves so much more recognition. The way she talks and explains it is amazing
Thank you!
This was a very helpful video. I'm a guy and I have this incredibly irrational fear of dating. I can talk to girls easily but when it's a girl I like, and I think of making a move, I just shut down. It's like a voice in my head tells me "you dont want to do this, just ignore your feelings. They'll go away. Show no desire. Dont let her know you like her." Its even worse when I can tell a girl likes me, cause I feel like I should make a move, but the voice just keeps me stagnant. But of course, when I'm by myself, I just beat myself up for all of that. I always say "next time" but the anxiety/panic is way too overwhelming when next time comes around. Anyway, sorry for rambling, but I'm going to take your advice on this. It helps to know that a past experience has physically rewired my brain and all I have to do is rewire it again. Thank you for this!
same bro, same.. i'm a guy too, and i'm going through the same thing as you..
I got over a couple of fears only with repetitive exposure, like she said. Try your best but first things first; try! If you do and fail persist on failing, you WILL feel less scared and at some point reach your goal! Baby steps could be trying a discreet way at first, maybe a little indirectly? :) best of luck!
I really understand where you are coming and from and have experienced the exact same thing. She is totally right and one of the things that I found to be most helpful, was to just be vulnerable, to put the ball in their court in a sense and let it all hang in the air, as it has been placed there, as opposed to waiting for things to magically come around. Unfortunately you will at some point have to broach contact, of the degree to which you become closer, but after the initial fear(which is good for moving past the fear ultimately), you move into this beautiful place of acceptance, as you have just done, what you have been so afraid to do, which shows yourself you are capable of more than you thought and this just leads to move you towards more growth. You got this!!!!
My friend, stop saying you are sorry for expressing yourself, that you are rambly and anything a like. That is the inner critical voice, that is not even your own but conditioned over time via social interaction, and became a limited belief that holds you ( and so many of us ) back. Stand in your truth and authenticity, and the life that you are inherently are will blossom.
@@JonasAnandaKristiansson well said!
The only prayer I tell God each day, don't allow me to die before I taste on that sweet feeling of being loved and be able to love back
@Tony Rich thank you Tony ,we should not rely on the works of man but the work's of God.
You are not alone we all pray the same prayer but something I tested on was to decree a Bible scripture "Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ" & I went ahead to write a journal of what kind of a man i would like to meet & indeed i manifested that person in my life.
“We think that emotions are feelings”...guilty as charged. It’s the lies that we tell ourselves...so true!!!
"Perfect love drives out fear" - the bible. Excellent presentation and amazing insights!
Amen to that!!!! That's what I remind myself.
Since we are imperfect beings, the attainment of 'perfect love' is a phantom, doesn't exist in the world of humans.
roar007 Uncondional Love can Be Practiced by Anyone who Choses to be Loving Unconditionally
Sorry, it just doesn't exist without conditions. I've found that out the hard way.
@@roar007 that’s because the only one who can give you that perfect love is God, stop trying to find that in other people when you can’t even provide it yourself
I don't really understand why there are only 1000 views. She's totally amazing.
People don't like to face their fears Sara that's why
Because there was no click bate. But you're right. She is.
too long to get to that piont. the arch of her story doesnt work either
Because of the maniac coughing violently in the background probably lol.
JonniesMusica The whole point of ted talks is to add a personal experience to the information so that the audience can believe the effectiveness of relevance of that speech. If you don’t wanna hear people adding personal information to their speech, you shouldn’t be watching any ted talks at all. Ted talks aren’t just a 3 minute speech. The doctor in this video is very smart and knows what she’s doing.
I feel so lonely that my body hurts and i'm crying for pain. But i'm so afraid of love that i feel sick and i want to vomit. I have so much anxiety. 😖
Don't worry miss, I have been through same situation
@@simrankaurwilkhu7187 thats horrible. :( 😔💔
Love seeing all these avoidant attachments in the comments, we in this together
Ummmm nobody in the comments section warned me that this would get emotional!!!
Thanks for heading me up
MsEriKaT hopefully it was a positive emotional experience for you. 😊
@@TrillionSmall I feel so much better, the reason why I couldn't do the commitment is because of what happened in high school. There was this guy that I had a crush with, I almost loved him until he said I just wanna be friends, since then I either talked to guys aka strangers online and then I started to feel afraid. Is it too late for me to find the love point? Nobody could answer that for me help. And another thing is I dreamt this guy was very kind to me and he's was the one.
This is probably one of the best ted talks i've ever heard! Thank you so much. You are really beautiful too:)
Sarah Marie thank you Sarah! I truly appreciate your kind words and compliment! 😉
@@TrillionSmall Brilliant Talk! If only everyone knew this!!
Exactly I'm sitting here baffled that a guy wouldn't text her back...?!
I am a psychologist and these are the best analogies for the limbic system I have ever heard of 🤣🤣🤣 Hilarious!Thank you
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This lesson was SO powerful and educational! Thank you so much for speaking, Dr. Trillion. I've been saying, "I'm never getting married", "I'll never let myself fall in love", "I'm never going to let anyone in ever again" since I was 5 years old. I have no logical explanation for this. I was never abused or molested or mistreated as a child. To this day, I have still never been a victim of physical abuse. Emotional abuse, yes. But not when I was 5. So I really have no clue why I've been terrified of love and letting people in ever since I was little, but I have been. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only person who experiences this same fear in their daily life. Eventhough I still feel no real hope that I'll ever change my mind about love or intimacy of any sort, this lesson really helped me feel like I'm not alone in this. Thank you again! 💜
Eden I feel the same way. Never physically abused as a child except feeling emotionally abused and rejected, mostly by women actually. Gave me body image issues. And I run from the idea of being in a relationship so you're not alone.
In 200 years we might have a clearer picture, until then the only game in town is the proposal from the East; that somehow this must not have been our only life. Did nearly everything too early in my life, singing-mimickry, speaking, drawing- my family and community thought it was just precocious but looking back this must not have been my only rodeo.
If a guy remotely implies he might like me, I run like I'm on fire. If he sends a vibe hes going to brush me off, it's on. He'll have my full attention for months. My dad abandoned me when I was 11. When I was 15, I found out he died. He lived 4 years without him contacting me. Trillion I cried with you when you talked about your dad. Sobbed. I wonder how my dad could have left his daddy's girl, to just leave me alone in the world. It's been impossible since to let a man near me that might really love me and stay.
Hey, I’m sorry to hear that. Hope you are doing well. I have a similar story. My dad abandoned me too when I was 11. He had passed away because he commit suicide. I have the same reaction to guys, as soon as I know they like me, I run away. I’m so scared of getting hurt.
Some men are closed off but really we still do love our daughters just don’t know what to say. When a guy gets distant from his family there could be many reasons, either he is pushed away or pushes you away. Either way, its not your fault and you shouldn’t feel unloved. Some men feel re-connecting with family is too complicated.
This is my story and my song lol
“Try it again. Try love again. Just one more time.” So powerful! Didn’t get to watch this TED Talk yesterday, so today I decided to watch it today and I received nothing less than a great message.
The audience couldnt handle this at that time. If she did this today, this would be received way more
This helped me understand my ex and now what I now experience from that relationship. I grew up very affectionate and normally I am. But now I've started pushing a lot of relationships away. The last date I tried to go on, I embarrassed myself when he put his arms around me and I pushed him away and started tearing up. I now know I'm associating that love with my body going into defense because it doesn't want to go through that pain again. My last relationship damaged me, my self esteem, and how I see others as potential people who will use me. This helped me understand what I couldn't explain that I was going through. Thank you.
Same here. 😢 I’m terrified of love.
Hypocampus: "Gentlemen this is an Avengers level threat"
I'm gonna use that!!!👍🏽😊
Lol
😂😂😂🤘🏾
The comment section needed this relief 😂😂😂😂 thank you 😊
😂😂😂
Don't allow fear to tell you what you can and what you can't.
Wow👏🏽 ..You spoke right to my fears . Changing my mindset to freely love without fearing love because love didn’t hurt me or abuse me but one person did. I’m not going to miss out on love because of one mans error.
JLo needs to give a Ted talk on this concept too. Apparently, love is always just around the corner for her.
@Julia Nah, I never look back.
If I like a guy and the guy liked me back, I would not talk to them for a long time. Like idk why but I’m just tired of being afraid of being in a relationship. For just once I wish I can just be in love without having to be afraid or nervous😢
I feel you! 😢
Same
same
Same :( it’s not nice worrying and being nervous constantly, I just wanna fall in love with someone and be happy. But I’m thinking I have to try, maybe it’ll pass when the right person comes along.
I get anxiety attacks when someone shows interest in me. It can be my close friend w one moment i was sharing my stuff w and the next moment they tell me they like me and i start avoiding them for weeks. I start making a cons list about them and keep telling myself i don't have time for all this. I don't know why i do that or why i get the attacks. But i wanna find out.
So how did things go? Did you ever figure the reason out why you do that & get the attacks?
No frrrr😭😭😭 I feel bad but then I’m like idc it’s a constant cycle it’s sad
I do care, but I tell myself I don’t
Yall God works in mysterious ways. I needed this talk today and it was part of my recommendations. I refuse to let fear control what I can and cannot do.
Amen :-)
I've only had one relationship with my sons father, I was 12 years younger, naive and in love. He ended up being married, and I found out nearly 3 years in with a young child when his wife text me. I lived in UK and he was Irish. I ended up 22 with a young child homeless and no confidence. I'm 27 and I'm only just ready to want to try with someone else, but now I can't get out of my rut.
This actually hit me the right way, I’m so afraid of falling in love so afraid of men. It makes me sad to see videos just talking about how amazing falling in love is or how to “know how someone’s falling nI love” etc. In the bigger spectre that doesn’t even matter, if you aren’t willing to work on yourself so you can allow yourself to love and overcome fear. There are so much fear and anxiety in us, why hide it? Everybody is dealing with it and that makes us loveable in different ways when we truly fight. I’m thankful for this video, it helped me think clearly.
Janelle I’m so happy to hear that the message resonated with you the way you could receive it! To be honest, i haven’t met many people who were not afraid or anxious on some level when it comes to love and commitment. We truly are not alone in that and it just helps to say it so that we can normalize it and then move towards healthy healing and connecting. I’m hopeful for you that you too can experience true authentic love within yourself and from others as well. Thank you for your comment.
I am too, but I still want to! We have the same name. 😊
Omg same
@@TrillionSmallomg hi. I'm so happy I found you here in the comment section!!!! 🤩💜 I would like to know the title of the movie that you watched please. 🤗 I'm in love with someone who's having trouble overcoming that fear. I am that guy and I'm losing steam by the day with every fight that ensues amplified by her fear of falling in love only to get hurt. 😅 Just looking for data or knowledge that could help keep me grounded cause it really hurts to be pushed away for things I didn't do.
@@viiix1695 I don't know what to say in some ways, but on the one hand, I want to encourage you to keep going! I don't know exactly what it's like to be on the other side of getting past that wall of a guy pursuing me and feeling that burst of love coming through, but sometimes we might wonder if we will ever be in a relationship, ever find love, or ever be accepted by a guy despite our past, or even just love a guy instead of always needing to be loved (even though we might doubt people's intentions and reject attention that comes our way -- love or no). That last part is me, and I have to confess I haven't watched the video, I have just read the comments. Yet, anyway. Keep us updated!
You spoke like a child of God talking about they Agape love ☺️☺️
onalenna thobega sis I just wanted to let you know that you are gorgeous
Oh my days 🙈🙈🙈 thanks a mil. Means a lot 💐
Amen
Agape is for old people go with eros!
1:30 maybe failed relationships are not from the guys, maybe it’s from things within us that we haven’t dealt with 2:05 maybe we’re “interested in dismissive men”. do we attract and are attracted to men that don’t put in as much effort? 3:22 “we are simply hard wired to protect ourselves for survival”. we push away the “good guys” because of “experience” and “association”. we associate a feeling to a certain experience. are we associating love with fear because of how we were treated and how it made us feel? 6:45 science behind what happens in our body when we see a threat (in this case it’s love) 10:15 “our brains our wired to protect us and for survival” 11:28 “fear of love is a memory recall issue, it is a lack of knowledge”. we think love is emotions and feeling but love is simply knowledge and intelligence 12:40 we must TRY AGAIN and “create new counter activing memories that override the lies and stories that we have been telling ourselves” 13:10 because of what happened to us (how we were treated when we loved) we believe it was because WE were not good enough, we start to believe we are not wanted (all because of past experience) 13:40 “how do we decrease the strength of these unhelpful lies?” this is done through “extinction”,
That is the first video on the internet that changed my life
Idk how to date, I feel awkward af when a guy approaches to me lol Update: i can openly talk a guy with out feeling too shy/awkward still single tho lmfao small steps XD
Me too
Just be you. You are good the way you are. You are worth it. It's always awkward for the first time, so dont feel bad about it, just keep going and let things happen
You just explained me😭
"Wired for love" is a useful book on this topic
Thank you
accade.acaso thanks!
Oh thanks
Trillion Has to be one of the most awesome names I have encountered, it scores 1,000,000,000,000 out of 10
I liked the her quote "Let's put the mirror in front of me", as a nod towards her being a counselor
thank you. lol
I have a very internalized sense of rejection. It’s haunting. Through years of self development, I’ve overcome depression and have shaped my life, filled my time in ways I feel are most true to myself. It’s f*cking hard. It’s both heartbreaking and vitalizing. I am still working and I feel stronger than ever. The realization of loving freely has come to me recently, I’m thankful to hear this video, I am terrified of loving but desire to so deeply. I know it’s all part of my healing. And I have confidence that I’ll get there. Sending out tons of love to everyone struggling the same.
Everyone women in the world with daddy issues, including myself, need to hear this right now, so THANK YOU for this talk. It can be considered a life saver truly because we all discover, eventually, that love is what makes life worth living. I will personally take this step forward into releasing my fear based mentality and trust my spouse because after all, he wasn’t the one that caused my suffering. We should all remember not to carry the past into the present, it’s detrimental to a healthy relationship. Thank you again and side note, I concur that you’re very beautiful😄
Yesenia Baya thank you 😊 and I’m so excited to know that you will begin this journey with us of releasing our fear and discovering that kind of love that rocks our worlds in every area 😍
Yesenia Baya zees
Yesenia Baya yes I know I’m one of those women
My advice friend even though I don't know you believe me Thier are still some good men out so keep your chin up your from good stock you can do it
Those brain terms are gonna pop into my head on my next anatomy exam and I appreciate it 😂
true hahaha
Got me thinking of Physiology 😂
This woman is AWESOME and BRILLIANT and LOVED!!!!!
This woman deserves the world - and definitely a bigger, more cheerful audience. The message is amazing - the delivery even more astonishing. This really helped me a lot. Recently i got into my first romantic relationship - and oh god, how much fears it brought up to the light. I don't know how algorithm spies on me and knows what to show me, but today I'm grateful for that and i wish you all to learn to love and accept love. 💛
Her mind and looks...lordt
This might be what happens to a girl who grows up without a father in her life, she does not recognize (unconditional) love from a man.
fred Nil - 🤔Could be.
fred Nil or it could be what happens to a girl or boy who grows up with a father in their life.
I had father but it didn't help
That girl is me
A girl growing up without a proper father and mother figure can do this as well
I love, love, love this talk. And I also need to speak to this point...because the unfortunate truth is, we don't all get apologies and reassurances from the loved ones who left us hanging. To those of us whose daddies ran off, or died before we ever got to hear them tell us we were special to them and that they loved us.....For those whose daddies were straight up too sick to be capable of displaying genuine love.... Please be assured that you that you don't need other people to validate that you are worthy of love, belonging, and connection without fear. You don't need other people to affirm that you deserve to be seen, heard, known, and understood. You are worthy and deserving of love because you exist. Your performance doesnt make you worthy. The opinions of others don't give or take away your deservedness. You are so right and correct to validate your own worth. It may seem weird to do it at first, but you genuinely are worthy and rightful to tell yourself, over and over, all the time, that you are worthy and deserving of loving and being loved in all the ways you've ever wanted to know it. You dont need to wait for any man or woman to treat you like you deserve that before you can start to believe it. ❤
I love how intelligent and strong, yet vulnerable you are. It made your speech informative yet relatable so much. I really love it.
Nobody told me this was going to get me emotional. This is the first time I realized that I push these people away because of the past. I always told myself he just wasn’t the one, or that I need to become better because I just wasn’t enough.
Trillion, this is sooooo...encouraging. Thank you so much for teaching us all how to overcome the fear of love! You've been a major inspiration in my life!!
You are very welcome Tierra. I'm so happy to hear that it was encouraging for you and that I have been inspirational! Thank you for sharing!
@@TrillionSmall I really needed to hear this! It truly is the worse feeling to know that you want something SO bad yet it's THE thing you fear the most! You feel stuck. Thank you for speaking to that.💜
I'm ready to heal. I've struggled with intimacy/vulnerability and abandonment issues for as long as I can remember but things are changing for me because I met a wonderful guy and for the first time in my life, my fear of losing my chance with him is stronger than my fear of opening myself up to others. I'm so happy :) thank you for this tedtalk!! So inspiring
One of the best TED talks I've come across recently. Definitely learnt a lot. Thank you Trillion.
"The Fear of Love is an Issue of Knowledge & the Antidote is KNOWLEDGE ROOTED IN TRUTH." -Dr Trillion
I know this is not a religious form but I just want to say God is love and truth, seek him. Jesus has helped me, don’t believe the enemies lies. I have learned these things in the video through the Bible and praying. God loves us all
Kristin00 Cool indeed He loves us all! He is the perfect example of true love ❤️
She is excellent at public speaking! Great, informative speech.
Love is intuitive knowledge = feeling & intelligence
This literally made me cry
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm touched to know that it resonated with you as well.
What an interesting name. Trillion Small. Amazing talk right here! Love how you break everything down
Thank you.
What if I’ve never had a relationship, but from reading normal, usually sweet romcoms etc I’ve somehow made myself afraid of being vulnerable and so I push anyone away so I never have to be in a intimate position? (basically, although I’m a romantic and an extrovert but not for intimate situations, I also have made myself a cynic of love in a way)😅
it's like you and me are the same person, LOL. Veryyyy much in a similar situation!
I can feel you!! I think movies or love stories/novels or media plays a huge part in influencing how we think of love. And that kind of notion is ingrained in us so long to unlearn.
Me asf
Some of us are all alone in the world, without anyone to love us.thank God if you have people that love you.never take it for granted
Me anytime I get asked on a date. I really want to go but I'm petrified.
Trillion is such a beautiful lady.
Girl you are a God send!! Great presentation ! So here's my problem...ONLY the broken boys have came to me... Never has a healed whole person....legitly.
What scares me is my judgement. If I was with someone who I gave my all could hurt me, how do I trust myself to pick someone who wouldn't hurt me again
What a beautiful talk. I found it because I've been dealing with "yet another" type of relationship like you described in your video - a guy who seems like my type, but is actually quite dismissive of intimacy and connection. It's not a coincidence, either - I divorced my ex about a year ago, and we had the exact same issues for many years, where I was doing so much of the emotional work in our relationship until I was completely burned out. So, that sparked a TON of soul searching and research: I'm in therapy, doing EMDR, etc. and I'm just now beginning to understand my patterns and traumas and the things we and others do that hold us back from experiencing real love and connection. Why we attract the people we attract, etc. It's fascinating but heartbreaking at the same time, especially when you can see exactly why and you have found a person who seems so right but isn't quite there yet (and may never be). They're still hurting, too. You really have to hit a point, I think, where you are ready to finally dive deep and break down your walls and grow and change. It's a fascinating struggle and my heart goes out to everyone who recognizes that they were probably mistreated, emotionally neglected, abandoned, rejected, etc. and that it created so many barriers for them. You were never undeserving of love at all. You are beautiful and loveable just as you are, no matter who hurt you. Keep on fighting for yourself and doing the inner work and healing. Best of luck and thanks again for this talk :)
Karolina well spoken! You are absolutely correct. It’s a personal journey that we have to be willing to take. EMDR is my favorite go to modality! I hope your journey is one that helps you to break the cycle and start a new pattern that not only sets you free but your kids and/or those who look to you for encouragement.
Karolina thank you so much for your words, they were exactly what i needed to hear. God bless
This hit way close to home... Inspiring talk!
I understand the feeling 100 percent. I feel the most pressure when everyone kind of hypes up a potential relationship and the fear of commitment starts to creep in and self doubt follows shortly after.
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This TedTalk was SO good omg. The way she explained everything and used examples and simple words... I understand myself a little bit more now. Thank you queen.
I wished she used PowerPoint slides that showed the represented parts of brain and associated roles she spoke about. It was a great explanation and perspective on overcoming our fears !
Working on it
I completely get it, my father has almost never reached out, talked to me, acknowledged my existence, and never is around. I'm young, but I've never seen someone in a similar situation. You made me cry
You are loved 💗🧡 talk to Jesus he will heal you’re heart he did with mines
18:53 “I refuse to let fear tell me what I can and cannot do” this hit so very much and im crying because I realize how much i let fear control my life n ruin it n all the missed opportunities i couldve gotten but didnt all bc i let fear win
If someone this adorable can have trouble with relationships then I def believe everything she says. She's SO charming, smart, and beautiful!
Trouble is no respecter of persons right? Just happy to be able to share my story with the hopes of helping someone else.
She’s preaching the gospel of truth and I love it!
Gillian Wong 😊
God is good all the time, this video is GOLDEN! Blessings and light and healing to all those watching we got this.🙏🏿😌
You can tell Dr. Trillion Small is gifted at what she does and a great orator as well! I WILL be revisiting her TEDtalk as a gentle reminder of why I shouldn't fear giving love unconditionally and accepting it in return.
In my mind you are my big sister. Trillion you are truly an inspiration. You have motivated me in so many ways you............ have no idea!
That's very kind of you! I am pleased to know I have motivated you! Keep moving forward!