Why do we sabotage Love? | Raquel Peel | TEDxJCUCairns
For many, Love is failing as a lot of us are guilty of self-sabotage! Raquel Peel studies romantic relationships. In a poignant, deep, and insightful talk, she shares the results from her research and her own journey of self-sabotage. This talk will instigate you to turn the lens on yourself and your own behaviours in relationships. Raquel Peel is currently doing a PhD and is a lecturer at James Cook University. She holds a Bachelor of Psychology with Honours and a Bachelor of Arts with double major in Art History and Music. She has conducted research in suicide, bullying, stigma, religiosity, rural health, and romantic relationships. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
Please realize this before its too late :( be kind to yourselves and your partners who truly want to love you, everyone deserves love.
I wish I realized sooner but I only realized when it was too late and everything is unfixable
Yeah, I wish I would have realized before it was too late as well
same here should’ve realized sooner hopefully everything turns out okay
I feel like this message was meant for me 😭
@@lion_san6493 same here 😔
*The answer* "We accept the Love we think we deserve."
Sad, but true
@@BorderlineBuddha by this l
Very insightful. I believe this is often the real root behind “he’s too nice” or “he’s boring.” It’s really a projection because of not feeling good enough to receive what that, for example, man has to offer.
I’m 20 years old and finally came to the realization that I’m a self-saboteur
Consider yourself blessed that you found out at 20. Now do something about it.
You're such a show off
I destroyed my relationship and managed to make the love of my life fall out of love for me. I only understood this 6 months after the break up
This is me fulfilling my promise, he’s my favorite after so many heartbreaks. I thought it was time to give myself a break and focus on my job while trying to heal from my previous toxic relationship. After about a year and half I met a man who turned out to be my daughter’s boss , I was reluctant at first but his persistence and high spiritedness got me submissive. We started getting along so well , no day passes without constant communication, I fell in love and didn’t want to be hurt ever again; told him my weaknesses and he told me his, along the line he came across his ex and his attitude towards me started getting cold. Seemed like deja vu all over and so I couldn’t let the anxiety tear me apart. I met a colleague who introduced me to the best set of Private investigators ultimate hack , I contacted and hired them almost immediately and they requested a down payment to commence the job after targets cell number was provided. After few hrs they responded with all the deleted and recent messages , Whats App Facebook Instagram Snapchat gps and archives of pictures he has been sending out; I practically had access to his phone without his knowledge. Turns out he connived with his young sibling to test my patience and tolerance, all the info was carted to me , thanks to the hackers I now pass his test with ease, lol . For assistance on how to track or monitor your spouse email ultimatehack003@ gmail com or Whats App/call/text +17202954268 I wish you well as You find out the truth about your partner just like I did..
Dr Steve can make your ex come back to you begging you for a second chance. He helped me restore back my broken relationship of 5 years by bringing back my ex Also Dr Steve always keep up with his words I strongly Advise you to seek help from him
Whatsapp him
@@lucyclark3920 Is he another Nigerian scammer?
@@manilanoakes3966 no
It's weird. I find someone I like and I start to act out- almost child like some times. Like I get clingy and needy? I think I am a pretty independent person outside of relationships, but when I start to date someone I'm not.
Look into attachment styles in psychology. You sound like an anxious preoccupied
Same here Madeline. I'm able to run a successful business, various investments but when it comes to dating, this behavior manifests itself down the road. I've lost a 14 year relationship where she left me for another man but deep down, i know i self sabotage. As the previous commentator mentioned, we're most likely anxious-preoccupied
Break the pattern Insight- look at your behaviors in relationships. Expectations- think about what your expectations Collaboration- figure out how to work together with your partner.
My ex had trauma (I didn’t know until we broke up) and I can now see how he self sabotaged in our relationship. Unfortunately, bc of the pain, I am now self sabotaging myself now too in other relationships and friendships. It’s a vicious cycle and we need to deal with our traumas or we contribute to that cycle
I have completely ruined my relationship. I can't stop crying because I've ruined my life. I hate myself for it. My father was violent and left us when I was a kid. It's as if I could never be content with my partner. I found things to argue about, without being able to communicate adequately. I hurt him by pushing him away. All I wanted to say was I love you more than I can ever explain but I'm so scared that you will leave me one day. But I couldn't. And all I feared came true. He left me. And I hate myself for it. I hate that I've done this.
Have you talked to him about your past? Maybe he can understand and take you back.
If you truly love him. Do not give up. Reach out and talk to him. It is worth a shot.
I constantly want to leave my partner because I feel that he is looking for something better most likely and I’ll never be good enough for him physically mentally in anyway
Ok, Raquel, you went straight for the ATTACK on those tips. 😰 lol Beautiful insightful video, thank you.
Any advice for me? I feel like I assume someone's attraction to me, get caught up in obsessing about them, then act weird and sulky when I'm not getting the attention I want, then get offended and disappear hoping the person will chase after me somehow to prove that they are actually into me. I know it's ridiculous. But I'm simultaneously scared that I'm wrong and they aren't into me, and that now that I've behaved like a weirdo they won't want to deal with me. So away I go to pine from a distance. It's very hard to find someone I'm attracted to, so that fuels the desperation.
I feel the same way.. I get anxious and think things that are not true, distance myself when I feel like I'm not getting enough attention hoping that they will somehow get it but I should tell them that I want the attention a lot of things we keep pretty bottled up on the inside.. but you should be confident about it and within yourself, think about those whom love you already you are not weird or strange and even when you are so are all of us.
*you're insane. you need to find your sanity and stay there. best advice you'll ever get.*
@@melw3313 *my comment is to generic, not you. why are you defensive and attacking? grow up.*
@@melw3313 *no, it's more of you being defensive because you must identify with what i said.* *generic's disposition is insane. once that person finds their sanity, and stays there, all that insane nonsense goes away and the chance of having a successful relationship improves.* *i don't know what your problem is but i suggest you improve your emotional health.*
@@melw3313 *you're a sicko. whatever your problem is, it's yours and not mine. you're actually now giving me the creeps.*
In my case I've gotten very angry and untrusting in my partner whom I trust very much. I blow up everything and stress her out via angry left field texts bringing up things that we addressed already and actually believing the things that I created in my head. I love her and I have to stop. My past relationships haunt me.
Right there with you
making a big deal, like making trouble, causing a mess, making trouble is like a crying baby, no language for needing something but feeling you need something. my partner and i are learning about this right now in our relationship
Wow, I do the same thing....😔😔
I'm the exact same way, I love her more than the world itself. I really want to be better for her and make the wife in the future. I'm not with her right now but more than anything, I want to stop myself from being my own worst nemesis.
Hi, I cannot stop linking my past experiences with my current relationships. I felt that same things are happening and I am feeling exactly the same. Even though I am with different person but I am not sure how to come over it. I am scared to talk because I think it will destroy our relationship but on the otherside, I cannot stop thinking. What to do? My instinct say I am being deceiving again. I want to know the truth and I am not sure how to.
Perfect. Well said. Thanks!
Fantastis work Raquel. Very informative content. Thank you
This is SO BEAUTIFUL! Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your experience paired with social science and cultural references. Very touching and powerful.
Thanks Raquel! Very helpful points.
What an amazing, insightful and informative dive into the overreacting fear emotions we feel that play havoc in our relationships. You should be so proud of your work Raquel.
I really needed this.Thank you.
Muito bom, excelente informação, não devemos descuidar dos nossos relacionamentos. Ótima apresentação.
Well said! AMAZING video
this made me cry cause this is me through and through and i dont know how to fix it.
You can do it!!!
You can do it!!!
This was beautiful thank you so much.
Excellent talk 👍👍 thank you so much. Really life changing
Beautiful story very good message, I have self sabotaged in relationships before but I'm better now💯😀✊🏼
Thank you
I’m adopted too and I understand 100% self sabotage, I always do it 🤦🏽♀️
I am starting to realize that my adoption is my root issue also 😢
Oh wauw, i am also adobted and see since this week I also self sabotage myself.
I am too scared; anyone who likes me I think they have ulterior motives- I want to pursue someone and feel like I won the price but somehow if they start pursuing me I panicked. Don’t know what’s wrong with me I am so scared… sometimes I feel like my heart is an open wound when I feel love …. I am tired
I agree with you about self -sabotage it´s too normal, but with your researches we can see it´s a syndrome for men and women, and it´s possible to learn and change it
Turning the lens onto oneself Most important. For both the partners. Great Talk thank you 🙏
So true, self reflection is so important.
Thank you for your great works. I had a fear of getting hurt by being the one broken-up with the relationship. Actually I have been motivated to self-protect so I didn't have any close relationship for 8 years. However, after listening her presentation, I realized that I'm the one who regularly self-sabotage and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy, So I decided to change it myself. I know its too fast to confess but I was in love with her so I did it. There were still fear so I couldn't say why I love her, why you. 1, Rival 2, Cheer up each other 3,Respect each other (time, lifestyle, works, hobby, etc) She was the one perfect for me, but for real, she never have seen me like that. However, I believe that there are reasons when people met new person. I don't believe god but I follow my intuition. I think I was hurry to decide where should I stay next. I love this phrase on "GOOD WILL HUNTING" ,in the movie He said " I had to go see about a girl" This is a very simple phrase but i was impressed. To determine she is the one or not is the most important for human in our whole life. That's why I choosed to stay here and that's the most important thing for next 10 years my life I believe. Because I need someone who can deeply trust and cheer up my business, and also I would like to cheer up and help her from close distance. Because I know she will succeed if she will follow the right way, and also she has potential and guts. So I wanna cheer up her and guide her the right way for going through with 100% energy for success. Life is unfare but I would like to follow my principle (treat evenly, equally). However, before I confessed, she never have seen me like that, so now she know my mind. Before watching this video, I always do self-sabotage and it become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I do nothing, but now I changed my mind. Try at first, and consider it later. That's my story. Thank you for reading. Masa
Great Work
Oh my god, this one speaks so true to my situation. Really should be looking into more Ted talks. more often
👍 very well explained, some ppl are wired in such a way ,but it's only because of Der past childhood hurtful memories ,but it's em who need to understand n come out of this loop, otherwise it's so much painful for those on the receiving end with such ppl
This just happened to me. He left me, I constantly asked him for reassurance.
Thank you❤
all i do is think. i try to communicate my feelings, but i completely shut down because i don't know how to express my feelings. even when they offer to help, i just feel like if i tell them what's on mind, they'll think i'm crazy & leave me. so it boils up inside until it explodes & i cant control myself. it blows up into a crying ball of fear, embarrassment, & anger at myself. i don't even know why i feel what i feel, my heart fights against it, as she just wants to be loved. but my brain is so heck-bent on protecting us, once i think of a situation, it's an endless battle between heart & mind, with mind always coming out as the winner. i know i do it to protect myself, but i have such a hard time deciding on if a person is really safe to protect me. i'm scared if i open up & be vulnerable to them, expose myself to them, they will leave. they'll be the first to see me as i am, and they won't like what they see. i wish my head would just Shh sometimes.
Very inspiring . Thank you very much
Completely amazing!
Omg! This makes so much sense. I self sabotaged my relationship at the start and suffered for 2 years. But I love him so much
QUANDO ELA FALOU QUE ERA DO BRAZIL EU SURTEEEEEI ARRASOU MULHERRRRRRRRR
SIIIIMMMM kkkkkkkkk
INSIGHT COLLABORATION EXPECTATIONS = I C ICE SEE THE FIRST LETTER OF EACH WORD SPELLS "ICE" AND THAT SAYS ALOT. Thank you for your Message. It has had a huge IMPACT on what's going on in my head and my heart.
yes to every question she asked.
For me self-sabotage in a relationship looks like this: I'll meet a guy, be so attracted to him, gush about him to my friends, I won't shoot my shot but eventually he does, we begin talking, then the self-sabotage begins, I mostly begin to compare him with other men...and yet his so amazing...how can I stop this??😭😭
Maybe grow up?
@@daryl9799 I'll try that next time
@@sunset418 I've had to do the same until you grow up you can't have a healthy relationship.
Aaaaamazing!!!!! 🧡🧡🧡
I know I sabotage potential relationship to protect, but not me. I withdraw or run away from love in order to protect the other person, that I will hurt them instead of getting hurt myself. Somebody help?
Unless you are hiding something, I am sure that the other person can make that decision to either end it or keep going and if you want to keep going and they want to keep going, then it will keep going, so you are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by thinking you will hurt them and then actually hurting them by leaving.
Love is scary, so you just need to grow some balls and stop being scared of getting rejected.
Watched this video coz it’s insightful. Rewatched it coz I like her accent lol
I think for me it’s not to protect myself, I feel like people that like me are too good for me. The second a guy shows interest or say they like me, I will put them in the bro zone even if I like them bck, I’ll still try to hook them up with my friends who are single
Its me!! He is damn near perfect! And I fuckin left when he was on his was home from his uncle's funeral. I wouldnt want me if I was him.
Why do you girls do this, Every time I've been in love and we are both in a literal fairytale heaven she always does everything to destroy the relationship
Anthony Napoli shes obviously here for a reason isnt she?
@@stepconnar9442 explain
Anthony Napoli shes most likely here because she doesnt like it herself? What do you not get? This video is more for people who have to deal with these issues themselves.
Your thoughts create your emotions and your emotions create your actions
It will be great if this video could have Spanish subtitles. Please added to your list of languages in the CC. Thanks
Excellent, thank you very much and what a story! I'm madly in love with a woman that I dated for years but she ended it in 2020 and has recently told me she self sabotages, I had known she did before we met but thought she was over it and I didn't know much about it. How our relationship went down hill makes perfect sense now, I could never understand before. I've been learning a lot lately about self sabotage and relationships and we are still communicating and having the odd encounter but I'm wondering do you think she would or could ever come back? She's just beginning therapy after being on a waiting list for a couple of years.
Hi J! I would love to know your progress, has she come back??
As someone who self sabotages I would day there's a 50 50 chance of her wanting to get back together. If she chose you as someone unfit for her on the long term to protect herself, then she might not want to rekindle the romance. But if she did see you as a great partner and just let her fear and communication difficulties hurt the relationship she might regret having done that and getting back together might be something she wants.
First tip is kind of ruining the rest of the talk for me haha sorry “We should not be pursuing every relationship that comes our way,” “Pursue those relationships that have the potential to work.”..... Okay but what do you do when you don't know if the problems in your relationship are rooted in the fact that it has no actual potential or come from your own self-sabotaging behaviour because you are afraid that it's not going to work or because your expectations are not realistic ?? :s
I guess working on self-awareness to start knowing yourself better I think this way we can identify what things are coming from you (based on self-knowledge) and what things are in fact a reality
I'm going through this discovery myself 🙌 Still working really hard though
I actually found the first tip quite insightful and interpreted it as "don't try to force the square peg into a round hole". I think deep down we know whether there is solid foundation to the relationship from quite early on.
You're right this can be tricky. I usually rely on knowing what I want in a relationship (compatibility around values and goals) and facts (are the person's actions congruent with their words, are they willing to communicate when things get difficult). From there I reflect and take responsibility for my own behavior (the 4 horsemen). So I appreciate that Roqel said that because we don't want to blame ourselves that it's completely our fault for ruining a relationship where the other person wasn't compatible or had similar issues to work on.
Also BPD's have classic abandonment fears from early separation, sabotage relationships. 😞
Nice
I doubt I'll ever be recovered. I'm single going into 12 years and I find faults and ruin everything for the person who likes me. I found it's better if the find someone else because I'm not that person for them
I dated a chick that did that. The better things were, the faster she ran. I feel bad for her. She had father issues, he died when she was young, and cheated on her mother when he was around. Now she's lost her looks, and is alone, living in a little apartment above her family's business. Life passed her by while she was hiding from her issues. Too bad, she was a really great woman. Afraid to let herself be happy.
I have always suspected my wife was cheating on me. We have been married for 12 years now and its been a smooth ride until last year when she changed and started seeing other men. A friend of mine linked me up with a great hacker ultimater Hack who helped me hack into her phone, I had complete access to her phone right on my device and I could monitor all her activities for the past 2years and also have access to new notifications, her location, call logs, text messages and all. I was left with no other choice.I loved my wife so much and I just dont know why she chose to betray me, I have been a good husband and never for once cheated on her. I tracked her down to a hotel where I found her with another man . You can contact them at ultimatehack003 at gmail or Whatsapp +17202954268 or text and call them directly on the same number.They helped me get access into her phone without even touching her phone.I have enough evidence against my wife now and I am thinking of Filing for divorce. I want advice from men and other women on here, should I give her another chance because of our kids or file for divorce ? We have a 9 months old baby.
You speak about her like she is dead " too bad, she was a great woman . "
You are very beautiful and your talk is amazing. Thank you with my whole heart.
10/10 ✅
I'm 39 and I'm just realizing I have been self sabtaging in regards to dating and I am going into early menopause;( never been pregnant
Hi Genia
I'm in my late 30s too. No children yet and I want one! God has a plan and is never too late. Love will find you and this time will be better because you know yourself better. I send you a hug.
Until now?
@@lblifetips1539 - Yeah GOD has plans but we screw them up.
Maybe our journey is to love ourselves so much that we shine so bright that our true soulmate can find us faster. I'm a true believer of love and we are nothing without it. Love deeply and never regret, because at some point we were happy with them and we grew from those relationships. That's why they are not there, they had their season. Be hopeful and don't stop yourself from loving again! Much love!
Worked my way out of 5 amazing womens life. Im not sure why i do what i do and definitely dont know how to change.
Then those people shouldn’t in relationship because they afraid of being hurt, so they hurt others.
I'm a trans woman but I pass for a cis male. I hold myself back for fear of getting killed but also cuz no one that I'm attracted to would be attracted back to me because I don't pass for a female on the outside. Not to mention that I'm so scared of being hurt that I rather stay alone cuz even though it's super lonely and sad being alone at least I know I'm not being cheated on. 💔💔💔
the last few sentences, same. i always am debating if love is worth my peace.
You are worthy of love, I promise you will find someone who will love you for the lovely woman you are ^^
eres una joya entre los hombres✨
My EX Sabotaged Our Love after 14 years. I cant believe him he did lost his Mind. He cant Commit. I was the Great person. The one True Real one...Heads UP....👏👏👏I will survive.
So Sorry....
Doesnt matter WHAT I Did Good it wasnt. Love Doesnt seem like it... Its so hurtful he did yes and to hide stuff secrets. Plenty. Yes reasons i have self esteem. Im not imsecure no he cant hold commit in a relationships..... I Can handle maintain a Friendship Relationships YES i Can I know Now I Can Im in reality.. Hes not. I can maintain any Relations accomplish. Yes Good
I never assumed. Any of this Would Happen to me to be hurt abused And to be upset. Never. Understand. . . never to Love to. Be Hurt anyways....
Love free chips 🥰 !
*”was in a serious relationship with Raquel, but then successfully sabotaged it” - MELL DUNEY 616*
What if the person I love wants nothing to do with me
Does anyone know the artists at 4:25 and 5:13? Thankyou :)
Van Gough at 4:25
Edvard Munch at 5:13
Raquel what if you sabotage so extreme that you dont even get to the point of the relationship where you have the chance to discuss your fears? what when BOTH, I and the guys i attract, 90% or more, have the fear so strong we both WILL do steps to avoid even the beginning phases, right after we know we really are attracted and both showed clear things that we WANT. but then BOTH sabotage from their side. what then.
I think that you should read scripture 2 Timothy 1:7 fear is manipulative and very destructive we need not fear because fearing too much is actually a sin we are created in Love ❤
@@annam4660 not too interrupt here, your friend needs help, but I think maybe I fear everyone else manipulating or influencing me, or if not that I just serve plain ole fear, and let that be the only thing I do let control me - me and fear. While I act hurtfully out of my doubtful words and out if my choices to disbelieve, whether I should or not. I mean, I don't doubt that the people in my life have failed sometimes, but maybe it's not about that and I am just being a horrible person...
Attacked my soul :/
Guys.... am I just too high or does her accent sound slightly Australian at some parts... Like I'm so confused 🤣 edit:I came back and watched it sober... I wasn't crazy 🤣
Camille Hendricks she did say here in Australia in the beginning so I'm thinking she was fluent first in one language and then moved to Australia and developed their accent too.
Camille Hendricks okay I'm at 13:11 now. She's from Brazil!!!
@@DiznilyLove Maaan!! I watched this video whilst I was high and for most of the video it sounded like she had an Australian accent....🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 okay... I just watched it again... she does sound slightly Australian 🤣
Camille Hendricks yes girl lmao your instinct was right. High or not 😂😂
She didn’t even go into detail on how exactly to do it
The tips literally start at 10 minutes and 5 seconds
Why did this one work? Was it because the other's were below your expectations?
Fearful avoidant personality disorder
Relationships are highly overrated and full of sh*t in the long run. Sabotaging them is the best way to go in my opinion. Always did it in one way or another. Was always successful.
I hate the way she speaks but what she says makes sense.
its too late now...
:((
I couldn't like this twice
Its not pulling the plug rather taking red pill and acquiring knowledge about female nature. And it is kicking
Ahh, “stonewalling”.. all too familiar.
I know dudes from her college. She wasn't so closed up during those years.
Who cares
@@orchids33333 I think what You're saying is because you don't care, no one else should care. I'm highly certain any person opening up to love in the future with her is going to care, a lot. And I bet you she will like every chance she gets.
The direful attempt prognostically punish because guatemalan generally tame across a grubby gruesome witness. thoughtful, caring forest
The ablaze dipstick coincidently gaze because ferryboat intracellularly back out a doubtful flax. periodic, glistening glorious bill
She only conducted two studies?! Please people shes over generalizing her data agh dont be fooled .
Women keep women single
She sounds too rehearsed and robotic, her message would be more enjoyably heard if someone else delivered it
Yes, I think a lot of her talk was manuscript style. But we must keep in mind that english is not her mother tongue.
Don't be harsh! English is not an easy language.
@@alexiscarter5157 .
Yeah, like a comedian, right? Maybe Dave Chappelle.
Have you tried speaking in front of people? Do you know how nerve wrecking is? Especially if your future depend on what and how you present/deliver it!!!?? And in a second language!!! So easy is for us to judge!!!!....
Women should just start marring other women and leave us MEN alone. We don't need the drama that women have.
Yes, true. Men should start marrying other men too. Perfect solution
Sounds good to me, happy pride month!👩❤️💋👩👩❤️💋👩
@@Grace-ju1gp - Pride?
This describes all American woman.