Phil 🖤 When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me and I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eye all filled with tears for me,
I wish so much you wouldn't cry, though I know your heart aches so,
But remember it was for the best....it was my time to go,
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you
and each time you're thinking of me I know you'll miss me too
When tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart,
for every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.
If it should be that i grow frail and weak and pain should keep me from my sleep,
then you must do what must be done for this last battle cannot be won
You will be sad, I understand, don't let your grief then stay your hand
for this day more than all the rest, your love and friendship stands the test
We have had so many happy years, what is to come can hold no fears
take me where my needs they'll tend, only stay with me until the end
hold me firm and speak to me, until my eyes no longer see
I know in time that you will see, it is a kindness that you do to me,
although my tail it's last has waved, from pain and suffering I have been saved
Do not grieve, it should be you who decides this thing to do,
we've been so close we these years, please don't let your heart hold any tears.
Phil 2013-14
From the beginning to the end, I write this with tears, but what mattered most of all is the dash between those years, for it represents all the time you spent with us here on earth and now only those that loved you know what that little line is worth. Forever ours
Phil was surrounded by those he loved and held in a warm embrace. The whirlwind of emotions are hard to express, the desire to somehow do justice to Phil in a send off can't be met. This video is a struggle to compile, to edit, to type, I hide behind a screen unable to truly share grief but feel an obligation to notify you. My eyes hurt, I feel numb, the house feels empty, my heart heavy and a piece of us missing. Everything a reminder, the pets acting strange Amelia is distraught. Never has a dog been loved and touched as many people. The impact he has had is astonishing and we owe so much more to him than just a pet. Phil became everyone's dog but first and foremost he was our family, a dog with too big a heart to contain we chose to share him with the world. Taking the time to grieve and try to heal in secret faced with the closing walls of having to tell the world only grieve again. I hope you can respect enough not to cast judgement. I don't want to do this, I don't want comments but I know people will want a space to share their memories or messages. Phil was loved to no end and I hope that was and forever will be evident. We didn't take no for an answer, we never have, we pushed on and did everything physically possible to help our boy but there was only so much time we had before it became unfair. We travelled to an emergency specialist with him for second opinion. Phil suddenly started collapsing, within 12 hours he had lost the use of all 4 legs. He was refusing to go to the toilet which was causing unimaginable discomfort. We tried to express bladder and bowels but he was fighting back, he was tired, I believe he was telling us that he didn't want to do this any more.
Whilst I'm against euthanasia as a whole, there was no option. It breaks me to tell you Phil had everything from a CT scan to MRI and everything in between above the port of call concluding that there was nothing found. His heart lungs and organs were sound, He was mentally there and the vet said he couldn't be in pain as he was on high levels of pain medication and you couldn't replicate any area of pain yet Phil still cried for us. We struggled for one night with Phil between tests and he would not rest, he couldn't move, we had to move him. We created a hoist with clothes and had to physically hoist him outside and try to hover him over the grass to go to the toilet, he refused, we didn't stop trying. This was extremely difficult that 2 adults couldn't manage. He couldn't bear any weight on any leg, they were paralysed. I believe he was ready. At 10 years and 9 months I wasn't, I never will be.
It was concluded that Phills nerves had detached from his spinal chord and there wasn't a surgery that could fix as the cause was a degenerative shrinking of his spine. By this stage he would have weeks/maybe months left until his lungs slowly became paralysed. Phil wasn't in pain as the specialist relived pain, his bladder and his bowels medically so clinically there was no discomfort yet he continued to cry when he looked at us, while we held him and looked into his eyes telling him how much we loved him. He was frustrated and asked for one last act of kindness. In all the love and every ounce of kindness and compassion I had I told him how much he meant to me, our family, the world, told him my heart always has a place and that we will eventually meet again. Thank you Phil rest easy old boy.