The EMPTINESS You Feel Is Trying to TELL YOU Something
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I received several letters this week (the fifth week of lockdown) about the ache of emptiness that's getting hard to escape. Is real love even possible for people with CPTSD? Here's my answer.
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Your explanation about connection to Oneness was beautifully done. And, YES, this is what we are all longing for, from our core-- connection to our spiritual Home, to Source, to The Creator. We should regularly practice ways to locate, and to re-connect to, this Oneness, and to the truest experience of Love that we can have in these rather dense human bodies. I, too, believe that our relationships with others are essential pathways to these spiritual Connections, if we can bring consciousness and an open heart to those relationships. Thanks so much for this timely video lesson. 🙏
Living It Up well said!
Thanks for "getting it." This was a very personal video for me, and your note made me feel like you were in the room with me!
So loving. Thank you.
⁰0000⁰00⁰⁰⁰⁰⁰l}0o ppl ⁰9
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It's almost an absence of feeling you belong. It's a void so deep that you feel as though no hug could ever be big enough & that no person could ever be there enough.
Yes, I know it well. There's a way to heal it though.
Elizabeth Jones your description of the experience of shame is spot on.
@@michele3631 thank you. The feeling is so hard to explain, but it is always present.
Yes! Every time I try and don't exactly fit....so I subconsciously just quit trying....I mean, I still attend the meetups, the events, but I don't wonder if these will be my people...I think I gave up on finding them 😔
You describe it perfectly!
“What you didn’t get as a child is gone and it can’t be replaced by humans.” … epic quote.
Thanks for listening! -Calista@TeamFairy
Wow! Agreed!
And yet I give my abusive narcastic mother elder care as she shoots nasty meaness at me each time. Still living with the bullying by my mother. Having to be the "bigger man".
Lockdown was actually easy for me. I've been in isolation for just about my entire life.
There are small steps to take out of isolation, CCF has awesome community :) -Cara@TeamFairy
Me too, Perry Skye Phoenix.
Perry S. I am finally safe now That I am isolated . I like myself, I am a good person, I don’t need any more swamp Rats waiting to take advantage Of my beauty and sweetness.
LOCKDOWN?! What do you mean lock down? How could you not know? Don't you watch TV? Yeah, on my computer, of course. Oh my...well then. talked to anyone recently? Yes, you, right now. Before me! Yeah before you..... Hmm.... That would be 2 years ago the LAST TIME you assholes at the dmv made me come here. Is it Halloween? Why are you all dressed like doctors? AH...hah haha... Looks like you're right. Don't worry about the fee sir, on the house. If you happen to run by the jerk from down the road that stole my doctor costume on your way out just do me a favor please loudly and persistently cough in their faces if ya don't mind. *3-minutes later* Wow! That's a LOT of police cars outside... at least seven... Heh heh
Me too @Perry but this felt even more difficult. I also got 3 knee operations and now we have a war in Europe. So many lonely depressed people experiencing this.
I have felt this emptiness since I was 12, I am now in my 30s. On an idealized level I crave that connection with ppl, but in reality it's not something I am comfortable with. There is a part of my brain that goes, "walls up, one foot out, be prepared to bale quick". I remember my best friends mom was motherly to me and I was so uncomfortable I stopped going to her house. Now I know why, my inner child was never loved by my single mother and has created this idealized dream of prefect love that comes from an outside sources because my needs were never met. In reality, I have to heal and nurture that wounded inner child. That the perfect love is me learning to love myself unconditionally, that perfect love I have been looking for in others to provide to me but they have all fallen short everytime is really my responsibility to give to myself. It's no future bf's job to heal that woundedness in me, that's my job. I think once complete this journey of self healing in love, l will be in a better place to attract better energy. But it hard y'all.
dierjran I feel very similar to how you do. I think back on my childhood and remember myself staring longingly at teachers and camp counselors now understanding I wanted so bad to be mothered and guided. And then in my 20s at work, I experienced a ton of conflict and taking things way too seriously, getting defensive, and getting my feelings hurt. Not ideal for navigating workplace politics. That stemmed from insecurity and a very shaky sense of identity.
You told my story.
This hurts reading...41 raised by a single mother. My older brother got all the confidence and was always able to makr friends and find girlfriends and i was the shy, no confidence one. I always wondered why we came out so different. I know our mother loved us and had to work two jobs to support and gove us what we needed and wanted....i jnew that. POS stepfather was an alcoholic and never did much. The little bit of money he did give helped with groceries and moms checks paid everything else
We know what it’s like, being attracted to a better story
Yes I relate to your story. Prayer and my faith in God helps a lot. We dont have to be a certain way. We are loved and with Gods help we can overcome🙏🏻
My grandmother found the love of her life at age 65. So, yes, I agree that there is still time to find your great love. As long as you are alive, there is still time.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm 62 and pretty much given up. It seems like men around my age are looking for much younger women.
I'd love to know how your grandmother met her love if you'd care to share. I'm happy for her!
@@bellabong8862 , she met him when she took an H&R Block tax course. They sat next to each other in class and struck up a friendship. At the end of the course, he asked her out to dinner. She accepted and they were married about 10 months later. They were married about 16 years before he died. She lived another 15 years after his death. Before she died, she described Ray as "the icing upon the cake of her life." They had a wonderful marriage, which was nice especially since she had a difficult first marriage to my grandfather.
@@carolynmalone5877 What an inspiring lady she was, not just to remain open to finding true love but also to take a tax course, both at age 65! Kudos to her. Thanks for sharing her encouraging story, and so glad she found such happiness in her life. Blessings to you in your life as well!
@@thelen59 I can relate. I'm 64 and look young for my age, but not 24. I hope to meet a man who wants wisdom and grace more than his ego desires "eye candy".
“If you’re going to struggle for love, struggle for what you Really Want” 💕
That hit me in the gut.
Need is more important than want isn't it?
'And if what you want is The One, wear it proudly. Don't crap fit.'
Just one BIG precaution about being open, people with CPTSD are natural taget for narcissists both overt and covert. It's a lot better to heal first, then looking for love and relationships.
Listening to you today. I could hear that real emotion in your voice. I hope that you have finally found the love. to take away that huge gap in our stomachsthat has been there for such along time.
Tomek Baranski Yep. So many times in my career I became the target of narcissists. Now I understand i was the common denominator.
but what if we never heal? :( or you think you healed but then as soon as you try to enter dating and love youre triggered again and all the years of hard work went to hell :( its so hard man, im feel so lost and stuck
@@Jordannnnnnnjones Focus on yourself, and the results will appear.Learn and educate yourself about the nature of women and act accordingly.She is not responsible for your healing.
@@kronos458 thanks man
Ive felt this emptiness in my chest that physically hurts and feels hollow. I've explained this feeling to my friends and all my therapists and no one understood or also felt it. It means so much to just hear that other people feel it too
Absolutely! It's so important to know that you're not alone, and we're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I feel that also. It's from neglect early on. I'm hopeful for this dilemma to leave me. I'm hopeful for you also. Just know you are human and having an experience us humans can be led by. You are loved by sheer connection to life. You are never alone. We all experience the void.
I have never felt more seen than when I watch these videos. My husband left me right at the start of lockdown, I'm now alone and staring all my pain in the face and I do feel empty, numb and hopeless. Thank you for the glimmer of hope, Anna.
Wait... He left permanently? Or temporarily?
@@mr.d.572 Permanently.
@@McKay93 I'm very sorry. I don't know the situation but I'm sure whatever it is, you are going through a lot right now. My sympathies for having to go through this situation.
@@mr.d.572 Thank you for your kind words 💜
Annie, I don't know about your situation, but if this happened, maybe it's an opportunity for you to look into yourself and heal your pains... maybe it is the right moment. I'm facing my issues in this quarantine too, and it's freeing to liberate some things... Some pains just need to be seen and understood to disappear. I know you'll get over that!
I don't expect to ever find a loving relationship. Not only was there the abusive childhood, but I wound up marrying a man who turned out to be abusive. I have no trust in my ability to truly discern who will be abusive or not. He seemed like Mr. Prince Charming while dating and engaged. I am 67, and have even more damages. I used to be a great cook, now I can't cook. I used to keep a beautiful home. Now it is a shameful cluttered mess no one would want to experience. My family is all gone now. It's just me and the two sweet cats. I love my coworkers and manager dearly. They are amazing. I am so thankful for them. I hope I keep working there for a long time.
Glad you have a place you feel safe :)
I’m not a whole lot younger than you and I’ve pretty much given up on the idea of romance at this point. But I’m looking forward to new friends & learning to love the new & old ones better. There also are a lot of young people out there who need mentors or just an older person to care about them. And of course so many animals who need love, as you know. Never stop reaching out to others, but let them decide whether to accept your love & don’t be hurt if they don’t. Life is change & some loves are only for a season. But if you leave someone better off than when you met them, you have created love in the world.
I'm so happy you have good co-workers...you need goodness in your life tbh.
Sending love and hugs your way. So sorry ❤ as for cooking or keeping your house clean... How about just one baby step to move forward. Focus on something small and not the whole picture. Perhaps this will be incentive for you and for me too!
@@connie10000 I have found the most loving cleaning lady that comes twice a month. She goes above and beyond. She loves me. Cares about me as a person. She cares about my mental health as much as she does my apartment. The cooking thing I don't think I will ever get back. I don't know what happened to my brain in 1997 a few months after my dad died. One day I as at home in my little office/sewing room and got so hungry. I was starving. I went into the kitchen. The only way I can phrase it is that I could not figure out food. I had a refrigerator, freezer, and pantry full of food. There was a big snack basket on the counter. Magnets held delivery menus to the side of the refrigerator. I had a car in the garage that could take me anywhere to grab something to eat. I was just frozen. I couldn't figure out how to eat anything. I was in an abusive marriage. At least he was a good cook. He was not happy to come home and not find dinner, but saw something was wrong and fixed dinner and put it in front of me. That was one of the most frightening days of my life, and my life has been forever altered for the worse since then. I still can't cook. If I buy something I think will be so simple to make, I still mentally can't do it when I have the ingredients...even something as easy as a grilled cheese sandwich. Heck, just even making a sandwich. My food has to be drive-through, delivery, or microwave. I have never used the oven in this apartment in the over three years I have been in this apartment. I bought a toaster oven months ago and have not used it. No one can tell me what happened to my brain, much less how or if it can be fixed. It is so embarrassing and humiliating. I had one grandmother who was not a very good cook, but she cooked gladly. (I loved dinner with my other grandma who was a great southern cook!)
My good love came into my life. He died after a 20 year relationship. I am lost and back to the "crap and emptiness". He was my very best friend. Not many people will have what I had for 20 years. Now I feel like I am dying of broken heart syndrome. I want it back!! While he was here, all the trauma didn't matter.
You're so lucky that you had someone ❤
I have felt so cheated due to all of the complex traumas I have experienced in my life...
We understand.
Ditto
You have a real gift for nurturing wounded souls. I am incredibly grateful to hear such powerful and gentle words. I always feel better after I watch your videos. Thanks so much CCF❤
Glad you're here!
I feel like this is the most unfiltered, genuine, comfortable, and inspired I’ve seen of you.
Thank you for saying so. I feel it's different too. Now it's just me and my laptop -- lockdown means I can't have a videographer and I think it's turning out to be better!
All distractions are gone for me and I stand face to face with LONELY.
Is it normal not to feel as valid as others? Like, my perception of me is not the same as how I perceive others. I was always the kid who compromised for the sake of others. I have felt like "they want this thing from me, so they must have it". I dont trust my own reality enough to not be gaslight into doubt by those I was and am close to. I'm lucky that I've found real love. It is hard to let myself feel vulnerable and connected to my partner. But I'm working on it. My real issue is doubting myself and seeing myself as less valid or deserving or trustworthy. I search for validation from others because I dont feel valid on my own. I dont trust my memories or perceptions.
It's normal...and I go through it too...but I try to remember that feelings are not always the same as truth. We can feel something intensely because of our experiences in life and how we've been taught to think about ourselves, but those feelings may be very exaggerated and may not reflect what reality really is.
@@moonflower7657 me too
I totally get you. I have always felt that way. Don't feel bad about it. God is healing our souls. Even when we don't realize it. I'm so happy for you that you have found true love. I am dreaming of that glorious day! I don't know who you are, but I send you love. Keep looking up. You deserve it so so much. God bless you.💛
@@moonflower7657 same here! :)
First, consider yourself lucky that you have found someone. For many of us that's a difficult task. Second, the way you are feeling is a 100% normal and I'll say probably 99% of the ppl who watch these kind of videos can relate to you. You may benefit from therapy and self education about CPTSD and the effects of abuse, it's working for me. But, I'll ask you 3 questions a therapist asked me that really helped jump start my healing. 1. Why have you deemed other ppl's opinions, feelings, wants, POV, needs more important than your own? 2. How has this positively served you in your life? 3. If it hasn't been positive in your life, why do you continue to do it?
A feeling that “Love can’t get in”. Wow. How exact.
The realization that basically we are all alone because anyone can leave at any time do to divorce, death, someone just deciding to leave, stop calling, finding someone else, etc. As we grow older this is more evident. This sounds sad but it's true. God can bring new people into our lives but they could leave too. Let Gods Will be done.
Mary Wolfe “ashes to ashes, dust to dust”. You are totally right. People do disappear on us. What is hard for me is not clinging to the love that’s here now. I believe we are all one, united in spirit because I believe God is in all of us. I believe we’ll be reunited with our departed loved ones although I have no idea how. Will we recognize each other as the distinct personalities that we knew on earth, or will we all be one big mass of unconditional love?
Yes, this is true. It helps to have a great love inside and share with many!
Thank you for being gentle towards those of us whom are healing. Also I like how you didn’t push religion on us, and instead told us to only resonate with the words. You are love.
Love to you!
I'm glad that you included religion.
Right! Religion is crap. Relationship with The Creator is where it's at.
I’m 40 and have been feeling that emptiness, lack of connection, aloneness, longing to belong since I was a child. This year I have been working really hard on healing this.
I'm so glad, you deserve it! -Cara@TeamFairy
How are you doing now?
For anyone who is in a relationship with someone who suffers from CPTSD, take care of yourself. They are going to push you away, blame you for all of their problems, accuse you of being someone that you’re not, throw your past shortcomings in your face when you have disagreements, etc. If you really love them and want to be with them for the rest of your life, you’re going to need to get a counselor because you’re not going to be able to talk about your problems to them more than you’re going to have to just be there for them. You will most likely develop secondary traumatic stress, and you’re going to need an outlet. If you don’t take care of yourself emotionally, you’re going to experience burnout and will do things to confirm (in your partner’s mind) that you can’t be trusted. Loving someone with CPTSD isn’t an easy task. It takes a special kind of love to be able to stay in a relationship with someone who has experienced that kind of trauma. However, people with CPTSD are the most loving, loyal, strong, and kind people underneath the mental illness. It’s definitely worth it. But again, part of your love for them will require that you take care of yourself. Speaking from personal experience, you’re going to need a counselor... a good one... one who knows the ins and outs of CPTSD. This will give you the strength that you need to continue fighting for the one you love. He or she is worth fighting for. Trust me. He or she needs you more than they think they do. So take care of yourself.
John Alexander Thank you for this, took a lot of guilt off my shoulders and I cried. 💜
Well said!
True and yet compassionate. Your loved one is blessed to have you. Few of us find that level of love, compassion and commitment.
kzhead.info/sun/Y5lpm9mia3Ofm6c/bejne.html
Allie’s World Yes. You are 100% correct. Some people without it treat people like this regularly. I was speaking mostly about my own personal experience. This definitely shouldn’t be taken as a blanket statement.
Since my second dog died I’ve been connecting with other peoples dogs. And what I started seeing was the same light shining from their eyes back to me. The same essence that my own dogs shared with me. And I started getting the sense of what I call the “beloved shining through.” My very strong intuitive sense was that the source of Grace is all around trying to find us. And The Beloved is yearning for us to come home to it. The deceiver, the controlling parasite of course is busy working to make sure that we are abused enough and traumatized enough and addicted enough so that we don’t find The Beloved again. So that it can’t come into the home of our hearts and bodies and minds. But The Beloved is here like an atmosphere and this destructive force can’t stop it from reaching out to us. That’s why it works so hard and so often to block it. Because it is our birthright to know the beloved and to release all this fear and suffering from our experience. People say that this shit show that we live in is just human nature. But they’re not thinking about what words they’re even using. Human is just one letter away from the word humane. We have the words humility, humor, humane, humanity… These are all words that point towards our actual true nature. When we say it’s our human nature to hurt others. We say war and hatred is “ human nature ”. But we are actually speaking in reverse of what the words we are using are saying. We are humane. We are of this earth. We are nature. And we have the capacity to know the beloved at a very refined and high-level. Humane Nature.....It is Humane nature to be kind and loving. The other stuff, the war and hatred we channel is our inhumane nature. Or our inhumane conditioning. Doesn’t feel natural to me at all. And all this abuse and trauma that is injected into us by this parasitic energy is robbing us of that experience; of our HUMANE NATURE. People who watch these videos and who follow this channel are warriors of light. We are trying in any way we can to fight and release the suffering that holds us from our birthright of loving ourselves and the world around us. I listen to the words in this video and I’m reminded of how true this writing is. I forget often in my suffering that I’ve always been a warrior of love. The defeat that I feel often negates that truth. But here we are together being reminded to try to take a stand for love. Blessings on the path everyone I hope love finds you well. Thank you for your work Anna
This was beautiful. Although you had me already at the beloved in dog's eyes... Thank you so much for sharing this. It has been read! It has reached someone!
"Love is not really a thing you "do," or "get." It is a state of consciousness."
At the end, what you said made my cry. That empty feeling is a message the real true deep authentic big love is coming.
Yes. If we can get free enough from all the old trauma gunk!
Made me cry too.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy its worth the work. Investment in self has the best payoff.
@@brookeshumaker 🤗🤗🤗
@@brookeshumaker serendipitous that you would comment/reply to me today 💓💓 im re-watching and my mind is blown. I needed to hear this again today.
The Emptiness I feel tells me how much of a Failure my life has been. If you suffer from Severe Major Depression you will know what I'm talking about. Anyone out there relate?
I had to scroll up to make sure I hadn't previously commented. Yes, I can relate. With major depression comes lack of motivation or desire even to connect with someone else. I've almost resigned myself to the fact I'll always be alone and will die alone as well. That scares the crap out of me and feeds my depression.
@@tinydanceryoutube @Victoria Ragland - Yes, I can totally relate, I feel so lonely I hurt, yet nobody wants anything to do with a negative depressed person (I don't balme them). The only thing I look forward to is 2023, when M.A.I.D. (medical assistance in dying) will allow physician assisted suicide for those with prolonged psychological suffering. I have one more year of suffering left ......
@Faith @Faith - Yes! .... my life is so precious! I don't know what the world will do without me ..... lol!
@Faith @Faith - LOL! The world doesn't need me, & I certainly don't need it ......
@@tinydanceryoutube @Victoria Ragland - what sort of treatments have you tried?
“Stuck outside the gates of love”… great description. It’s a painful feeling
"A lot of people might say 'yeah that's crazy' and have some platitude of loving yourself, /but I won't/ " when I tell you the sigh of relief that emerged from my body after hearing that....it's like a weight was lifted from my shoulders even just hearing that there was another perspective out there besides just "you need to love yourself more"
Yes! I get what you are saying completely! -Cara@TeamFairy
What you need is to accept reality even if it’s unfair and to accept that we cannot get all we want or need. I prefer that than holding on to a fools hope
@@di3486 Yet since you cannot read the future, you literally have no idea what you are talking about.
@@simonestreeter1518 This only shows your fear at bursting the fantasy land bubble. It is a natural fear but with time you can also break free. Also, this has been discussed by the most brilliant philosophical minds in history, I am sure they know what they are talking about much more than you or me.
@@di3486 Please, with the false humility.
I agree we need to face our feelings, and feel them. And grieve them at times. I've been feeling them though for a long time, and at times it gets old. I have plenty of friends but they're mostly married and I'm still single. The loneliness is real.
😘
Yes, it is. I understand you. But we are not alone!
@aura Harrison Yes, that is the thing to want...And it also seems to be a very, very difficult thing to find! 🙄
@aura Harrison I have been on a few dating sites. Whatever you do, don't settle for something that doesn't feel right. it's a good idea to know what you want and stick to that. And state in the profile in some way and as briefly as possible. Take some good photos that show you in different places. Also be prepared, there are usually going to be disappointments along the way, but I'm sure it's different for everyone. I hope you can find the right guy.
@aura Harrison Writing for some of us is a really freeing exercise. Because through writing you can express your innermost thoughts and feelings, and as you express them, it changes you in a good way over time.
Beautifully said. I got teary at the end! I noticed with my past relationship. The more spiritual I got, the more awakened, the harder it got being with my ex. Sharing my experiences made him do anything from scoff at me and laugh, to get angry and say its not real. I was going crazy to him. But in truth I had been doing a lot of inner work and was excited. Its hopefull to think I felt isolated, unheard, unseen and alone for so long so that I may learn to find someone who will resonate, someone I don't have to 'convince' my experiences are real or defend myself. I guess I spent my entire life around people like that and was used to negative responses so tolerated it. It would be a huge turnoff now to be scoffed at like that. Whats crazy is having people in your life who would do that to you. Guess that means I am on my way. 😊
You are absolutely on your way! -Cara@TeamFairy
"Take what you get and like it". I had that my whole life. I've been crap fitting my whole life even in my 38 year marriage. Sigh.
Omg stuck outside the gates...I've felt this my whole life...this lockdown has it slapping me in the face. I have moments where things are so empty, and times where I'm thankful that I'm home with time off and I can pay my bills. I feel like this is my time to focus on my art and to get that part of my life really going...but the emptiness sometimes paralyzes me too.(fear!) I appreciate your channel, I feel like you get this all so much, thank you 💖🙏
Yes, I've also noticed the motivation to use time well is punctuated by paralysis. Persevere!
''The more we accept our humanness and our feelings for what they actually are, rather than what we wish they were, the more we digest them and grow as a human being'' - Andrew Kenneth Fretwell (Emotional Alchemy The Love And Freedom Hidden within Painful Feelings)
I was meant to hear this. This love does exist. I had it one time and it was healing. Although he died, he taught me things I never knew existed, especially strength and love which I never had because of childhood trauma. Love is real and it’s strong. It’s home and support. Your videos are helping me through a really tough time. I’m sure many people have found themselves triggered with old buried flashbacks. I know I have and it has been a painful gift to experience all that is buried within my treasure chest and to be able to write it out, burn it and let it go. Love is lite. It’s challenging being alone with no tv or social media but it has put me in a place where I have to face myself and have little to no distractions. May you all be well. May you be happy. May you experience love and inspiration. Anna thank you for creating this community. Happy love day to all of you and have fun! Treat yourself to some fresh carrot juice and a hug 🫂 🔥❤️
Thank you for chiming in :)
Awwww 😭😭 You know what they say "better to have and lost than having none" at all. At least you know what it's like. How positive you are shows that it really was beautiful. Wish we all get to experience such love! Best wishes for you🌷
Thankyou so much for this message. It was definitely what I needed to hear. I have been suffering from this emptiness for many years now. 25 years diagnosed with severe depression, but I’ve had it since childhood. Im 57 now and divorced and single for 20 years with 3 adult children. I don’t know how or why but slowly over the years and since my beautiful mum passed away and my dad remarried within 9 months of her passing, I have lost my faith and trust in family and friends and I am now completely isolated apart from 2 of my children. I have severe health issues too and even my faith in God is waiting, because I’m losing hope. Without any love or support for 20 years, it breaks you down to nothing. I have no car. My bedroom is my only comfort zone with my little rescue dog Mia. This is all my life has become :’(
I am very sorry for all that you have suffered
I'm so sorry to read your comment. How are you doing today? Are there any groups you could try both online or in person? Crochet, knitting, crafts, book clubs, support groups, gentle exercise groups whatever you can manage? Groups and volunteering help me come out of isolation and rebuild. I'm looking for some new groups myself after my last ones shut down. You could also reach out to your gp for a support worker to help you. Do not give up, you matter. Sending you love and peace.
It took me 55 years to learn that romantic love exists at all. It will probably take me 55 more to see it in person, as most of the time I see others just using each other for personal gain. While the media just create a impossible fantasy that creates unrealistic expectations amongst the inexperienced and young.
thanks for being here! -Cara@TeamFairy
Couldn't help crying when I heard that it's never too late. I've just been through a painful break up 1 month ago, and despairing as I'm turning 43 in just a couple of weeks time. It's what I needed to hear. Thank you Anna.
Ah, you’re a young un! Still plenty of time for romance but don’t let that be your goal. If you find it great! If you don’t, you can find even greater love in other ways.
Good luck Lynsey, I hope you find what you need.
Thank you...I'm 63. I've never felt love. Bern married 46 years. 1 child , 1 grandchild. Study the Bible daily for years. Still never felt love. My daughter barely talks to me...I don't know why. I read that God loves me. I study it. I wish more than anything I could feel it.
I wish that for you too!
I think we find it hard to believe God truly, unconditionally loves us because it may be such a foreign concept in the scope of our life experience. When I naturally doubt this love..and sometimes I do, I remember that it's my own self doubt (even self loathing) that gets in the way of receiving it. He proved His love for us on the cross...and that my dear includes YOU! ✝️ Specifically you..for He is a personal God. 💕 You must recieve this by faith. Thank Him...meditate on it. I pray you will truly see this... and that you will feel it. It's true no matter...you are loved. God bless! 😊
Viktor Frankl's work is what keeps me going. I found my purpose in life and that's long term recovery and essentially helping others. I tried to gauze my wounds with alcohol,food,and ultimately relationships. I kept pushing until I pushed too far which equaled all forms of abandonment. I felt alone and physically sober only. Now almost 5 years later I feel all of my 10 years of real sobriety...facing yourself
Woow you story give me hope
I’ve watched so many vids like this, and yet, this is the only one that actually made me think and feel okay. Thank you for actually being realistic. You have no idea how much I needed this, ya got me in tears.
"what you didnt get as a child is gone and it cant be replaced... but real love is still here" ♥️ how beautiful is that... as if that real big love is an intrinsic part of me that i just need to be reminded of... Thank you 🌷
Writing this in July of 2022, I had an easy time during Covid lockdown, away from work and most everyone else. Sure, being at work at least gave me some respite from BEING alone...but nothing has ever changed my feeling of Loneliness since a very early age. I once expressed it this way to a family I had befriended; and drove to reject me after fifteen years of near obsessive contact. "When I go home, I am alone and lonely - you still have your family." Feeling rejected and lonely, never belonging...and unloved over decades is a horrible burden to bear. I am healing now. Your videos help. Thank you.
Thank you for validating the need for love and affection in itself. It comes really as a huge relief. There is a lot of self blame that comes with post-crappychildhood-relationships (romantic and not), in the constant waves of "I should have watched myself for..." "I missed a red flag" "I didn't establish good boundaries" "people will hate me if I stay like this" etc etc. It can get very hard to feel capable of non-toxic bonding, and the step from capable to entitled is short. It is easy to feel that if you can't bond "right", it means you SHOULD'T bond at all, until you're "fixed" (honestly I got this message from your videos a bunch too). I just wanted to state how important it is for me to hear that it's not stupid and selfish to want connection, even if I'm damaged. ESPECIALLY, that it's not necessarily dysfunctional that I don't want to be alone, isolated, and completely self sufficient all the time
Thank you! At the start of pandemic my elderly and chronically unwell father was living with me, along with my elderly and sick cat. Both died over the summer and suddenly I was left completely alone. I was surprised to remember I'd always wished to be alone, completely alone. And I've been glad for the chance to face what does it mean to get what I've wished for, am I really living a dream fulfilled right now?! I've started using your Daily Practice to face the hurdles life experiences have placed in my way. Feeling rather hopeful, and grateful.
You are speaking my heart! These things I have felt for most of my life and have been told I am a naive dreamer. Well at 60, I found my true love and now I can understand true oneness. I know what it is to feel love. You are so right. Mutual love and respect are so freeing to my soul.
That's beautiful, thank you for sharing with us :)
Especially today I have been feeling so unbearably empty. This helped me so much even though it brought me to tears! The idea that emptiness is a sign that I was made for real love and that this real love comes from God gave me a big sense of relief!! I used to believe in oneness but now I am a Christian so I believe in a God outside of myself. But either way this video reminded me that I am not alone and that I do not have to feel empty. ❤️
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤💞💞
I'm 55 and I've been isolated with this for 47 years. If only I had heard this year ago. Thank you so much for putting words to what I've felt.
Ive felt empty since I was a child. I have no idea what normal is. I’m so screwed. Lost the only woman I’ll ever love do to CPTSD. Didn’t put 2&2 together till after the fact. My health has plummeted & doctors have no clue why. I had no idea trauma causes this. I need some serious help. I’d rather deal with the consequences of death, than live with the consequences of CPTSD. Being that I just turned 50, I feel as if society has abandoned me too. I would give my life to save a child from this life long brain war.
This one made me cry, Anna. What you said at the end was just beautiful. One of the better ex-therapists I went to during my 30 year counselling career used the analogy of us as all having a diamond at the centre of us, which stays pure and bright - like you said - regardless of experience. As we begin to form our personality, we inevitably adopt certain beliefs about aspects of that diamond being unacceptable or innately wrong, and these beliefs go on like layers of cobwebs, until we can't see it anymore. Then we mistakenly take what we can see instead: the trauma adaptations, anger and wrong beliefs which create the false self, as ugly, so we paint over it, believing it to be US that's ugly, when all the time that diamond is still glimmering away deep inside us just as brilliantly as ever, unnoticed by us. I often think you can see 'the diamond' self when a newborn baby looks at you and smiles. All that open pure love, joy, acceptance and trust, still unimpeded by the world. That's got to be worth rediscovering.
That is so beautiful. Really, I'm so moved that you shared that, thank you.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Oh, thank you, Anna. You're welcome. : )
I wrote a self-love letter and purpose letter to build my self-esteem and ward off suicidal thoughts. I also wrote a letter to myself when I face fight and flight response where my heart rate increases/chest pain happens or the freeze response where I go into an emotional paralysis and sometimes disassociate so I can put things in perspective that the past is in the past and help myself experience the present CBD oil helps. I am planning to use this to taper off antidepressants so I can take ayahuasca. Ayahuasca is known to be extremely healing and research has shown psychedelic drugs can help overcome trauma. Stay strong beautiful peep :)
Concerned/confused about the psychedelic drug comment?... I have absolutely no knowledge regarding them but please be careful.
WOW! I am seeing this in 2023 - 3 years after you posted it! I live in "the walled city" - that is where I am comfortable. At 70, emptiness is all I know. My parents died in the 80's, my sisters died in 2000's and my only daughter is lost to me along with my granddaughters. I hear what you are saying and I DO believe in God but I do not believe in love. Thank you for your inspired post- I will ponder it!
Thanks. I've been healing from twinflame experiences, which trigger your unhealed trauma wounds very deeply, and I've been craving for real love all of my life (I'm 46 years now). And all the time you hear: you need to heal and love yourself first. And of course this is true, but when it takes such a long time, you can feel unworthy, and as if it's wrong wanting to find true love or having a partner at all. I've been single all of my life, and I want to honour my own wish for a true & healthy relationship. You can have both: work on your healing and honour your wishes.
Im in the exact same experience as you. Im 52 ❤
I am 62 and gave been searching my entire life for someone who really gets this!!! Anna, thank you for sharing so explicitly and compassionately what worked for you. I have struggled internally for way too long, but finally seeing some real changes. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! Our country/world needs this mental health awareness and healing so desperately!! So much hope!!
The greatest love you can have is that which you have for yourself. ❤️
If you truly love yourself then you won’t feel empty of love externally
I needed to hear this. I’m middle aged now and I just wasted 30 years - 30 years! Knowing I had “limerance” but not knowing what to do about it or why I had it. I’m not 80, but I hope I still hvae time to get it right.
Hi 👋 how are you doing?
This video popped up for me today, a day where I walked away from therapy once again. I have been in and out of therapy since my 20s. Diagnosed with major depression, then BPD, then postnatal depression, and now anxiety. None of these things at the same time. I am nearing 40. I have always given it my all...never giving up or giving in to whatever it is that haunts me. I would heal a bit, then life would hit me with something that I would then discover I needed to heal another part. It felt like a repetitive cycle....always asking myself, what am I doing wrong? What am I missing? Today was the final straw for me as I walked out of another session feeling as if this will never end. Being told it is just pregnancy hormones, and prenatal depression and anxiety. I know what those feel like and this is not it. I literally told her I feel empty...a deep rooted lonliness at my core and foundation. I am able to experience and feel joy, but behind it is this emptiness. After explaining my childhood beginnings and how many of those trauma patterns are being repeated in my life with the same people, resulting in that lonliness trigger being played out repeatedly, I asked her who wouldnt feel depressed or expetience some sort of resulting feelings of despair? When you are isolated, alone, invisible, and after trying for 2 decades to rectify this only to discover no real change? Who wouldnt feel anxious and hopeless? It's not just hormones. It's not just biologically and chemically based. This video put the spotlight on the thing I have been trying to pinpoint within me for a long time. I still dont know where to go from here, but this video's message was a big validation personally for me and I sincerely thank you for it.
Anna I know I say a lot that this was your best yet or I'm blown away, but I can listen over and over (and will) because, I just cannot believe how you find the words you find to explain many, many of our situations, not just one or two. Your words flow effortlessly, and you can't possibly know the comfort we feel, but you deserve that same comfort too. I hope someone's words do for you what yours do for me and lots of us. Hugs from one coast to another girl...🤗💕🌹
Amen!!!! Ditto! Ditto ! Ditto!!!
@@merrym7174 . Hugs to you too Sweetie. Apparently we aren't supposed to shake hands anymore, hug people and this will be the "new normal". Uh, NO!!!! Not in my world....🤗
I have always felt that emptiness and after finally meeting my person, I understand why. I wasn't a runner, I was in unhealthy relationship trauma. There is hope for all,it took until I was 50 years old to get here...
Glad you are here :) -Cara@TeamFairy
The void is a disconnect from self which needs to be filled with God and self love. You can't love without it. For ppl with ptsd it takes years to love yourself and sexual abuse is an indelible wound. Very hard to heal. Trauma is awful it steels love
REAL LOVE IS STILL HERE!!! I needed to hear that so badly!Trauma "TEARS" us out of knowing real love. So eloquent! Trauma feels just like that. Tattered, weary, defeated, reeling, and Dsoriented, reeling, tattered, weary, and defeated. Hopeless. Feeling that we are EXILED from our truth,...explaines so succinctly the experience of being torn from the true self and our beautiful purpose of love! WE GET TO WANT LOVE,...THE REAL THING. WONDERFUL!!! Dont Settle for whatever! EMPTY SPACE IS MADE OF WHATEVER! The story of my 3 failed attempts at marriage. My divorce is almost done. I'm also divorcing others in my life whom I've been allowing to abuse me. I was trying to be a peacekeeper instead of a peacemaker!! Exhausting!! I've been trying to love people who aren't emotionally available in an effort to fill my emptiness., expecting that they'll reciprocate. I've died inside trying to get love this way. I believe we all get to be broken in this life, but now I know that some are never going to be vulnerable enough to be hurt again. EVER. It's not my job to fix them,...it was so programmed / beaten into me as a child that it was my job to fill, fix, or heal them, priming me to pick them, again, and again. Thank you Anna for speaking truth, and my truth, so eloquently. Your words and teaching give a voice to my experience in such powerful ways!! This video gives me hope and helps me understand why I've been feeling exiled from my truth. I've felt so defeated by all my failed efforts, but when I hear you i feel glimmers of hope. I remember who i really am.
Thank you for this message from the heart!
There is still time... Wow, thank you for this. Really glad I found your channel! Much love from Croatia!
Awesome! Thank you!
Me too .Really glad i found you Ana.Much love from Serbia❤️
Hi Anna, I'm so proud to tell you through your teachings and wonderful help I was able to go to a party that I was terrified of because my best friend of 60 years ago had invited me and I was terrified that I wouldn't measure up somehow. She went on to do really well and I went on to just well-- do. The party turned out wonderful delicious food great wine lots of stories and laughter and then when it was time to leave she loaded me up with a huge tote of Christmas presents. I was floored. My cup runneth over so very much right now. I'm not sure I could have done it without your help. I isolated to the point where I had no one in my life and I found your channel and it's helping me reach out. You do miraculous things Anna. I'm morn the loss for all the years and all the beautiful connections that I pushed away but I'm looking forward to doing better now, thanks you're a lifesaver!
What a beautiful Christmas story! I'm so happy for you. We can all keep you in our hearts now, encouraging you to keep the spirit going a little each day.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you have a wonderful New Year!
I love your channel, thank you. I'm in DBT currently and at 54, I finally feel excited about my future. Your videos pair nicely with my therapy. Do you have a video on how to forgive Mothers? Thank you again.
Anna... You are freaking awesome. Your videos have allowed me to feel like I can show up AS ME, and in a way, you've given language and credibility to the way I show up, so much so that I aim to post one of your videos on various social media channels and write a statement to tell anyone who sees the posts that "This was, is, and may be WHO I AM and why..." And especially since the perpetrator's family have never questioned why I am estranged from the perpetrator... I almost feel strong enough now to face the world knowing that my crappy childhood was because of other people making fucking horrible decisions, poor choices, and not just that but FAILING to take any responsibility... And all of this gives me strength because I know how hard I've worked to release and move through the horrors of my most innocent years. I still have some anger and hatred to liberate safely, so there's some work to do, and one day I'll allow myself to trust in another human, in a man... Maybe. But in the meantime, thank you. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
You wonderful, compassionate, loving woman. What a special message, voiced so authentically and so beautifully. Thank you.
Aw, thank you!
Thank you so much for this video,after a night of bad dreams that recalled a lot of my past. This gave me a good start and a lot to think about for the rest of my day. It’s hard to stay hopeful, but not impossible. And it’s always a good reminder to know that I am not alone in my feelings, the whole world is getting caught up in this wave of loneliness/emptiness. I will continue to watch this and your other videos more closely now while waiting as patiently as possible for life to get back to normal and for this quarantine to come to a close. Thank you!
Watching this in the aftermath of the last year's lockdown. It may be even more relevant now. Thank you for getting it and shining the light on these deep issues.
There's days when I have to step outside on the porch n look around and quietly remind myself that there's still people who are interested in subtle aspects of life as well and that "You know there's been folks a lot older than you that found love again." But sometimes I wonder how much hype there is to the togetherness thing. Taking care of each other and being able to laugh n enjoy each others company is a nice start. On a metaphysical level I found out what the delicious feeling of unconditional love is. And a deeper understanding of the stories and poems about the unseen beloved...not the romantic thing but on a different level.
Accidentally bumped into your channel the other day while trying to understand myself for decades. Now at 49 yrs, I know what it is and I want to change. Found the love of my life from grade 5 and am happily married (with 2 boys) for 25 yrs now. I have most the classic symptoms you mentioned. My hubby is very patient with me for all these years and he is the source of the unconditional love I missed out in my childhood. I’m very protective of him and with this condition, I hurt him a lot. Why is it that we hurt the ones we love so much? This is my ONLY regret in life. Onset of menopause is making it worse I think. Most of the time, I cannot understand what’s happening to me before it’s too late. He is very willing to help but I don’t know what and how to convey. Please help.
You're really on to something here!!!! When this quarantine is over, I am definitely going to try to be more social and outgoing. I've realized in a big way how important it is to have good friends and get to know other people and truly care about them. And to have fun and enjoy your life!!! Staying home and sitting in front of a computer or phone all the time is for the birds.
I am so glad to have found Anna. She nails it in every video. THANK YOU!!!
Almost in tears as I believe I’ve given up on love, but have hope still. Thank you.
The longing for real love is the longing for myself 💖
Finally starting to understand how all my past experiences have combined to influence the decisions I’ve made - thank you for showing me the light at the end of the tunnel. X
So gracious. So compassionate. So real. Thank you Anna. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I am only 39 but when you said age 80, I burst into tears. 😭 thank you for this beautiful message
What a beautiful, true and needed message. Right on time. Thank you. 🙏
I have never heard anyone tell me this before in all my years of therapy. The feeling of “being outside of love, that it’s something that other people experience but I don’t” … I was like … “that’s what I feel!”
As usual, every, single, thing you described hit an answering chord. Thank you for what you do. I believe there is hope for me.
You are so positive and reassuring- it’s very comforting to me. Thank you.
Anna....you are an incredible blessing to me. You have such a gift, thank you for sharing it with me.❤
You’re awesome in your ability to be genuine. Very helpful.
Thank you! You and your courage are a true answer to prayer for me. God bless.
This is exactly what I've been going through during quarantine. You are a very special and gifted woman. Thank you.
Thanks for this video, I've felt empty for a very long time. Its like my receptors are broke and i cant receive love. Have alot of shame, fear and guilt and boredom
I love when you said, "But I won't"! You are such a beautiful soul. I have a real love coming toward me because I am ready! I have done the work and I know the work will continue in a relationship! I also know that this man has my whole heart and I have "real" love for him and I want to let him Crack my heart open!
I appreciate the depth of understanding that comes through this video. You really do “get it”. I’m so relieved to have someone understand me when I as yet don’t even understand myself! Everything you say rings true. I might imagine some hope.
Since I have found you on KZhead I can't stop listening to you you are awesome for helping all of us who truly appreciate it thank you so much.
We should all learn to love ourselves before we expect someone else to validate us. I love life and for me, that's fine. I enjoy being alone. I am also an only child, so I don't think I've ever felt empty or lonely since getting over my divorce 30 years ago! I did feel lost for the first 10 years.
I wonder how many of us had the only child experience!? Me too. Married an only too.
The first one hit me so hard - Real Love is not a transaction, and it can't be negotiated or demanded. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom, experiences and heart to us.
Grew up with a lifelong void, after losing an abusive father, at the age of 14 & now at 38, I just lost my mother, my biggest supporter, even though even our relationship was strained in a lot of ways. I feel more than ever that I am different & not here for love.
Hi how are you doing?
Thanks again for an awesome video with uplifting, hopeful advice. In listening to this, I just realized I’ve been crapfitting to a dating situation unconsciously- ignoring anger, frustration at the other person’s entitlement, last minute changes, imbalanced efforts, etc. it’s subtle but building up to a clearer picture of how I’m being taken for granted, and will be more mindful and intentional moving forward in communications and actions regarding this situation to protect my dignity, space and time.
I’ve done what you’ve discussed here. I’ve faced my loneliness. Which has continued. And I’ve learned a lot about where it has come from. And become more aware. But, yet, with the continued awareness… the loneliness continues. I know who I am now. I know what I really want. But the loneliness continues. I’ve been on a journey of healing for 6 years now. That means 6 years of awareness of my crappy childhood following an extremely traumatic relationship ending. Years of clinical therapy. Three years of masters scholastic education, years of watching videos similar to yours. They reality is that… the loneliness continues. So it’s a hard pill to swallow when you hear Gladys in her 80s found her love. So *cross fingers * just wait another 40 years. Is it more cruel to tell a person to hold on hope that a healthy love is out there? Or to say, find love in yourself. Bc, it may not happen. I say this bc I need true honesty. Let’s not pretend that we don’t know people that never found that someone that you are describing the Gladys found. At this point I truly feel it would be easier to be told that this is just not your lot in life to find an earnest romantic partner. Than to be given a false hope that one day… you may be 80! (If you live that long). Otherwise, it feels like being re-traumatized year after year that you still haven’t found someone… and continue to be lonely.
@@ravenraven966 Thank you for your response. I feel so many similar feelings. I recognize that others might view some of what we are saying as “feeling sorry for ourselves.” Or like your *cough*ignorant*cough therapist suggesting a thicker skin. But it’s really not that. For me it’s an inner human need to find love and companionship, learning and being open, yet being eluded. I don’t sit around and mope and say poor me, and I doubt that you do either. I know we are both super strong souls for surviving what we have. But that doesn’t take away a want to be loved. I, too, also reflect on people in my past and see how even those that I thought were once friends took advantage of my giving nature. IMO one of the worst after-effects of discovery of narcissistic abuse is recognizing how many people have completely selfish or even evil intentions. I guess I’m tired of videos even discussing dating and you’ll-find-the-right-one attitude. It’s great to have hope, but it’s rough when hope is all you’ve had for the majority of your life. For me, I’ve stopped hoping for a decent life partner, and assume I’m on my own from here on. And continue to try to find joy and love in nature, pets, my environment, and myself. I’m also sending you a virtual hug of thanks for responding and making me feel not so alone. 💕
This is my favorite video so far. So full of deep wisdom, compassion and truth!! Thank you. ---From the woman who continues to think you should add an "S" in front of Crappy Childhood Fairy. Your content is full of bold truths where you get in the trenches, people with CPTSD come from scrappy childhoods, and who wants to say they're taking workshops from something Crappy? LOL. But Scrappy? Heck yeah, it implies there's potential for something powerful to result from the chaos.
Wow! You are so right on. And the way you talk to all of us about this feels like a friend who has been there. I feel like that is the key. I can let my defenses down and really hear. Was recently diagnosed at 50. I kept telling myself I wasn’t really affected or it wasn’t that bad. Minimizing it,which made me feel worse, like I had no reason for all of these difficulties. Just hearing you lay out my difficulties so succinctly and with compassion and empathy has allowed me to say”yes I was affected” and it is the reason. That has lifted a huge weight off. And I am also feeling lifted up by the possibility of changing.
Thank you for making this inspiring video! Also I love the glasses!
Wise words, from someone who definitely gets it!!!
Wow, beautiful soul talk. Thank you so so much. One step closer to true love and freedom 💙
Yes. Yes. Thank you for "getting it."
Hope is all we have at the end of the day. Praying for a better tomorrow 💗
I am so glad your here Anna. Thank you for all you do and teach. You are brilliant and often have reminded me where home truely is 💗🙏🏽💗