How To Know What You Really WANT
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How do you know when something is RIGHT for you? If you were traumatized as a child you may have lost the ability to sense "rightness" -- a true fit with someone you love, a job or decision. It's hard to know when a choice is your hearts desire, and when you are motivated by someone else's agenda, or a need for security. When this happens, you can end up with a life that feels wrong and is full of regret, and that’s exactly what happened to a woman whose letter I'm answering in this video. We talk about the one she lost, her fierce regrets, and what she can do to discover the life that will truly make her happy.
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Can we all just take a moment to recognize that, somehow, out of nowhere, we're all finding these great, actually *useful* self-help videos after waking up to the realities of childhood traumas, their effects on us as adults, and here we are doing something positive about it? Here's to us all moving forward in our lives! 🍷🍷
Thanks for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Of course! I've been so amazed - I'm not even sure how these kinds of channels wound up on my feed, but I'm sure glad for yours and the rest! I've been through a ton, but these kinds of videos are really helping me to heal from it. It helps to know that I was right in the first place, when I was little - it really wasn't me that was the problem. I was just a kid being a kid like anyone else did in their childhoods, and that's 100% ok; I have to give myself that.
Love this! Pause for the cause
Cheers! 🍷
Does thus actually help those with BPD?
Married “that guy” at 38 after years of trauma based life and years of on again off again. 1st child at 39 2nd at 41. Now 52 and 56 our kids are amazing and we are happy. Hang in there.
Thank you ❤️
Happy to hear your short comment...39 and havent found a loving solid relationship yet...
@@sukiinseoul
THANK YOU for sharing this
So happy for you. 🥰
I didn't wake up at 34, I waited another 13 years! life can be beautiful, it is NEVER too late.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Yes. I didn’t start waking up until 45. Never ever too late. I’m slowly learning to love my own life! Never ever thought it was possible. It is. It’s never too late. ❤
Am 55, and was in a toxic abusive relationship, have beautiful children and grandchildren, an astounding journey and work, however a life filled wirh major challenges, done so much work in self growth and in the world, yet still wonder when I will meet a loving person and have less challenges
I'm 34! And just feel lost😮😢
Me too!!!!
Got married 39 and had my children in my 40s. Entered nursing school at 55. Now 63 and life is good. Hang in there.
“Life really does begin at forty. Up until then, you are just doing research.” ~Carl Jung
This is exactly what I needed to hear today. I wish I had chosen ANYTHING. I am 34, less than a month from 35, no kids, never been married, no degree, no career, never had a job longer than a year. I have so many things I think I might like to try but can never organize myself on trying anything because I am so paralyzed by having no idea what I "should do" or what I'd actually be good at or actually enjoy. So afraid to put forth effort and end up somewhere I hate, but somewhere would have been better than no where.
I’m just a few years after you but same situation 🙏❤️
The book "Scattered" by Dr. Gabor Mate' helped me truly understand WHY my focus has been so.....scattered. Give it a read!
It’s worse if you are married and have kids and yet learn to be happy only people pleasing yet your not feeling happy. Its masking a reality that has to come out. Unfortunately, my family suffers the consequences. I just went through the daily routine of life staying busy, doing what I was supposed to do. It’s a type of purgatory. I have all I’m supposed to have to be happy but something is missing in the connections. As I read these comments and listen to this message, I saw myself. It was then I realized, the outcome would have been similar regardless if I did or didn’t have a family, until I dealt with the hidden me. I started watching these videos thinking I can help my husband and this one made me realize I need to put on my own oxygen mask first. I’m am grateful to God for using all of you to help me know it’s ok, to focus on me.
It's funny you say that because I did get married, I am 38 now, but we chose not to have kids. I married a man I love but I have a helper complex so I married someone who isn't quite as independent as I would have hoped and it stressed me out big time. It's getting better but I did end up resenting him at times. Although I don't want to have children (probably because I sometimes feel I married a man-child, although he is very mature in other areas) I do wonder what it would have been like to have grown up in a normal family and then getting married to a more driven man, having children etc the "normal" way. For a long time had lots of different jobs and only now have become more stable in my career (although I also don't know if I'm doing the right thing and am taking on too much). The issue I found wasn't that my life didn't go down the "normal" route (what is that even? Just another set of expectations, is it not?). We can't turn back time and choose different parents. I realised how much the feeling of regret is counterproductive for your mental health. Yes, I might have made different choices but so would have many other people who DID go down the normal route. If we live a life full of regrets rather than making the best of what we have ended up with and the choices we made, we will never be happy. 34 is not and old age. I started my current career at 32 and I had a very adventurous CV. You still have plenty of time to make even small changes if that's what you want to do. But I also made the decision not to make choices that would hurt other people. I would never divorce my husband because I DO love him and he is showing willingness to change and I also know there are things I can change about myself. He struggles with his mental health and physical health and yes, I would have preferred to marry a go-getter who runs every morning and wants to be healthy but I might have to compromise on other facets of his personality (that's just an example). I guess what I'm trying to say is, that even the people who seemingly made all the right choices can end up regretting them. It's never too late to make small changes but we can also try and change our perspective on the choices we DID make.
I feel this
Summary Write down what's your dream life would be like What type of food you eat? what type of exercise would you do? Be specific - take small action to achieve that dream - daily practice - be truthful with your feelings - find out what you actually wanted that you suppressed so long
Thank you working this helpful list. Who’s started it? 😊
thank you!!!
Thank you
I want a father to guide me and a mother to console me. That's what I desire most deep down. I know what I want but still can't answer it, except maybe with religion, but I tried and it made me more vulnerable.
@@jojostalino1377 god is the only one you truly need
I am just 16 years old, and watching this video has made me realize that I don’t have to stress. I don’t have to follow no rules about what others might expect from me to be. I have decades of self exploration and amazing time to spent and experience in front of me I don’t even have to choose a career yet it is all easy it is all figuring itself out. Thank you for doing what you love it is an inspiration to me❤
Im 22, and i can tell you straight up that youve got the message! Just keep this in mind and youll move forward, glad youve seen this 🎉 good luck in school too!
💯
Remmember to breath right and meditate
I wish someone had told me this at 16yo...l'm 58yo & are still dealing with women, even way younger be jealous of me.
I am 32 and have already changed my own career a few times! It still astounds me at how many versions of myself I have discovered and how many more there are to come. We never stop becoming who we are, that’s the biggest lesson “growing up” has taught me so far. The biggest skill you can cultivate for your own future success is the ability to start over without judging yourself or feeling defeated. If you can do this, you will live a really great life
It's so weird when somebody else writes a letter that you could have written. Makes me really feel connected and realise that even in our darkest hours and feelings we are one. I'm so grateful for this! And so grateful for the advice and analyses given, it was very enlightening.
This is a such a great community! -Cara@TeamFairy
@@KateStantonSings 💜 It's sad that you recognise the hurt. I am happy that it also makes you feel less alone..💜
Thanks! Josey Wales, from Josey Wales’ Truck Pulls. Logan Utah … aka “Karenville” Utah 😘 👑🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆
And you sound like you're living my life also. I'm 72 now. My whole life I was attracted to the wrong person for the wrong reasons. I looked for reasons why my stepfather hated me and my mother was cold as ice. It took me getting pregnant and not have documents to able to get an abortion. So I couldn't. I was a drug addict but when I found out I was pregnant I literally quit cold turkey. My daughter was perfect. Like my mother she turned away from me later on. Teen and now at 40+ one 45+ the othet. My learning that my mother & stepfather hated. me was their fault not mine. Too complicated to go into all that history. Basically I am alone but not lonely. That's a problem because I have no one in my life literally I can go to to talk, get a cup of coffee. I always felt outside myself the few times I did do that. I can't see my mother's face when I remembered us doing something. I can't remember anything she ever told me period. Sorry so long. I pushed myself to get better at careers for my daughter's lives to be good life's. What I never had. But at the same time I felt a distance from them. I don't communicate with them. That enough, I could go on forever.
@@esperanzamunoz6719 I had a crappy childhood and a crappy adult life as well. I can relate to what you say - I hear you and I understand ❤️
I'm 62 and I don't think it's too late for me. Might be delusional but I've worked hard for years to deal with my CPTSD. Life is getting better, and finding your channel is part of my healing process. Thank you CCF, you are a star.
Has anyone shown up?
I want to be like you. I'm 61 & terrified that I'll never be happy
@@lalacraig2406 I completely understand, I still get terrified myself. And the grief! It feels never ending but embracing the loss rather than fighting helps. Embodiment (i did something called Cranio-sacral therapy) has allowed me to physically unwind. I think how the body holds trauma is one of the most important routes to 'recovery'. Hope you find a way to be truly kind and accepting to yourself.
@@adcap631that is very good therapy, it is magical
@Ad Cap yes cranial sacral is so good. I ca t relate so much to this woman's letter. Sadly.
My jaw dropped when she said she was too old at 34. I’m going to be 39 and I have not chosen a career yet, I have kids and not married and I’ve been feeling low about it. But the rest of the video made me feel soo much better. Now I feel like my life is just beginning. Thank you so much. ❤
Glad you felt better, thanks for being here! -Cara@TeamFairy
Same here. I’m 36 and was a stay at home mom/housewife right out of high school for a decade and just only started working 4 years ago. Have no clue what I want to do long term for a career. This video made me feel much better.
You can also think about how technology is changing so much that finding or changing to a new career in your thirties is more normal
34 is a bit old to start with children. Good you have chosen children over a career. The other way around messes alot of women up.
Same, though sort of think I know what I want to do and have returned to university. I'm 42, went back to university at 39! We all do things in our own time, things will work out, just keep looking after your little ones and when the time is right things will happen. I'm still single, my kids are nearly grown and for years I didn't want a relationship. But now I'm starting to think I may be ready to try again (last relationship was 11 years ago).
Up until she said she is 34, I thought she was in her 60s. 34 is young! I got married for the first time at 46. Now I am 60, and starting over, again! This topic is very important. Thank you!! 🌷
good for you! I was wracked with sociopathic abuse by a member of family who tries to continue..and also an in law who now TG is out of the picture... getting out of panic mode into thriving was the first start.. so glad you walked too and restarted and kept up your confidence in doing so. Keep up that sunny disposition in your new life, if you could get involved with someone new by then, and it was a good fit thats awesome! it is an important topic. do agree. congrats
Trauma definitely makes us feel older. I’m 27 and her letter had me BAWLING. I’m not in therapy yet but I often feel like my life is over and I’m super alone. I’ve attended more funerals than weddings. My mom and grandma were the hardest. God bless. Stay positive. And keep positive flowing! You don’t realize who needs it or what their story is.
@@jessie6761im 34 like her and i feel the same as you. But i also have an uncurable disease that wont kill me fast sadly. Im quite lost
@@etcwhateverJust want to say I hear you. My situation is not like yours and at 82, I just found this site. I hope the lady in the video can help you. I don’t know how this site works. I’m just now learning to be authentic so when I say I wish I knew if it’s ok to be a long distance friend write me. I want to understand more. My nephew married a gal many years ago who had a disease which shortened her life, they had a son who didn’t inherit the gene. They’re divorced and this beautiful young (you’re young) gal did develop the disease and her son, after going thru tough times is leading a great life. His mom did die in her 40’s or 50’s & he still loves her dearly. Bottom line, the researchers have found the gene causing the disease. She was gone before then, could that be a possibility for your situation? I’m thankful to have found this group. For the first time I understand and quit blaming myself for fearing to be happy. Don’t know what else to say. Sending a ❤️. I hope you write to the lady doing the videos. I know I am.
We are running so fast through life. It sometimes takes our later years (when we have the time) to look back and reflect. “What was that all about?”. And finally discover who we are, and how we behaved.
It gives me so much hope that you started doing this at 53. Thank you for that and for doing what you do.
More to come!
Wow, I'm 53 now! There is hope!☺️
Of course you can do it 👑♥️
I'm 43, so there's hope for me too!
Probably need to be at least 53 to have enough experience to do what she is doing.
Oh sweetheart 34 is not old!!! I recognize this European approach, when I moved to America at the age of 21 thinking I am a full grown adult who supposed to have her whole life figured out, and people were referring to me “oh my gosh you are a baby, go play”- it was such a huge relief!!!! Trust me, 34 is barely out of being a teenager. You have your whole life in front of you!!! Best of luck.
That Sounds wonderful...go play. Love it❤
My life started at 34 when I left my toxic family. 34 is so young!!! I'm 37 and about to graduate after deciding on a whole new career and path . You have so many good years ahead, it isn't over !!!
this is soooo inspiring to read, omg!!! i am 30 and i know i desperately need distance from all of my toxic family members, one of which i am currently living with and hating every day here. i want so badly to be self-sufficient, move away, and go back to college. that's so amazing, thank you for the confidence boost and for being an example of it never being too late!!
I'm 34 now and my life is about to change just like yours! Wish me luck
@@lellaaaysGood luck with your Plans 🙏 34 is a great (young) age 💜💚💙
@@MacabresqueTry to get help for whatever you need to make your Plans come true. Lifetime is the most precious Thing we have beside good health. Good luck🙏💝
What a sad Story. I am 64 and more than ever realize what childhood did to me. I understood already as a child that it's nobody's' fault and parents were only the result of their own upbringing. I never had the luck to find a good therapist who helped with the trauma. So I played a role but suffered inside. All the stress made me sick and I developed Fibro and ME/CFS 30 yrs ago, finacial struggles when I needed to retire at age 41. I lost my life, ME/CFS is a devil circle. The most I regnet are my professional decisions and that I never emigrated in a warm sunny country which was a wish since my childhood. I never understood why, as I backpacked a lot and spend yrs abroad. What kept me in a country I am not happy....
I got my dream job last year at 51. It's not too late for this lady.
50, Ready too reinvent myself❤
It took me 15 yrs to admit who I was truly in love with. Meanwhile I married the wrong guy and had 3 kids with him. It nearly killed me (this is a literal statement). Choices made from childhood trauma, with its muddled thinking and inability to be honest about what we truly want, like, or even need, really can destroy your life. Luckily for me, a few friends intervened, confronted me, dared me to run and change and make a new life; and just before I turned 50 I finally married my real love. Cleaning up the PTSD has taken years, though. When you pile adult trauma on top of the pre-existing trauma, you don't improve things! To my younger Self: Tell the truth sooner. Take your feet in the direction your funny little inner voice tells you. Just go. Trust. Dare. Don't cheat yourself.
WOW!!!! Thanks for sharing -Cara@TeamFairy
I know this was written quite a while ago but I appreciate you writing that!
And I screenshoted your response I’m gonna be writing a few of those things down and putting them on my mirror in the bathroom
How could you tell you were true in love? I'm 34 and struggling with that...
How do u not admit that u were in love? What are the behaviors that showed u that u were lying to yourself?
What happens when you've discovered your CPTSD past but have been stuck for years not knowing what you want ? Not having any "wildest dreams" because you missed the childhood stage where you got to develop likes and dislikes because you were always catering to what your narcissistic parent wanted? The only thing that feels right is getting approval from others and people-pleasing... you know that's not right but it's the only thing that brings a feeling of pleasure?
You took the words out of my mouth (or thumbs). Someone, please share the light!
I felt like that part skipped a few steps too. The best ideas I have come across are: 1 trying to write out how you would like to *feel* in your body as a result of whatever good future you are in, actual sensations below any emotions 2 seeing if you can figure out a true self before you were harmed and had to protect yourself - possibly imagining your core energy before you were born? or before some point in your babyhood where a shock happened and the support you needed wasn't there. (It might sound odd but for me, I recalled joy in a sense of being able to manipulate the light with my baby fingers, and finally learning to sit up and observe the world properly - pleasure in creative play, and in growing and observing the world for my own sake. Developmental stuff is still at the core of all of us, we only add layers as we grow) the true self is more feeling and perception than words, so the answer might be a certain kind of 'energy' or other abstract idea, e.g. what 'shape' is your kindness, what 'flavour' is your love-of-life, what 'temperature' is your uniqueness? has anything sparked you up in a way that felt good? at what point has your metabolism felt most calm yet flowing?... I think it helps to get out of your head, which using words and labelling things doesn't do, and get into your body a bit, or lower brain, or consider things you find soothing, putting you body at ease, or even better anything that 'your heart leaps towards' or makes your belly nice and warm (might just be healing is the first thing, but there might be more). Sometimes you have to experience first, try things and ask you body how it feels. If it is really hard to sense anything try to work with a somatic trauma therapist to help unravel protective blocks (this works but can be expensive, traditional yogi and many traditional cultures also have methods. Yoga Nidra might help? 'i-rest' is a modern version of that used by veterans etc to heal trauma). Protective 'parts' of the self feel pleasure in keeping you safe, and, can hide and mask natural impulses to keep you safe in unsafe situations, and if they have been around since babyhood they wont respond to words so much. Tone of voice, body language and eye movement, 'grounding' sensations and other language of the body will help get at what's underneath, the true impulses. But you need good safe helpers for that, to make it feel safe to communicate in the here and now. Hence a good therapist or support person. Hope that is useful, I'm on a similar journey and working with a 'brain-spotting' therapist has been amazing. (similar to EMDR but newer better neuroscience)
I use a meditation app as part of a daily routine, and it has been extremely rewarding for my mental health and exploring my inner self. Therapy is also great, as it gives me a sounding board to help guide my inner monologue into healthier habits. And then joining clubs/taking classes allows me to explore various subjects without committing to anything permanently. I have a dysfunctional sense of people-pleasing, and the problem I ran into is narcissists picking up on that, and then using me for their emotional supply. Working through these ideas has helped me recover my sense of self and take a step back to see my CPTSD in a different light, rather than being immersed 24/7 in my unhealthy coping mechanisms.
@Lori Zeppelina, this concerns my well- being as well! I really feel best if I please another one and the shocking fact is that it is not always a favorite person, it is a pattern. No goals, no wildest dreams, crappy childhood full of fear of loss and abandonment and being a burden.😔🤨
@@lilyl5492 Thank you so much for that revealing insight, you took time and expertice to explain and I got it! Getting out of the head, letting the body decide, a wonderful way and the new therapy sounds marvellous! God bless you for showing the way, you are so helpful, a big hug for you!
Im 51. First time I had counselling at 25 yrs I told the therapist that I felt like I was separated by glass observing people but not existing like them. 34 is young. Depression skewes so much. Im sure this young lady will rise and thrive.
I am 53, just got engaged last week after dating a great guy- who I actually passionate into- for a few years, and the great thing is we were friends first. I also got my associates between 40 and 43. It seems like it is actually more fun accomplishing these things in my mid 40s and early 50s. I am more excited now about the rest of my life than I was at 22 and getting married the first time and buying a house for the first time. I just know myself a lot better.
That's great! Thanks for sharing. -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you for sharing your story.
“You didn’t have a chance to make mistakes based on your own choices as a young person.” Wow. That hit me in the gut. It’s so true of how I was raised, and the ramifications of that are so damaging to a life. How can we ever learn to make healthy choices, or even the difference between healthy choices and unhealthy ones when we were never allowed to make ANY choices as a child or a teenager or even a young adult? Needless to say, I ended up making a whole lot (a WHOLE lot) of bad choices going into adulthood and even later. Thanks for that comment. It gives me so much to mull over and gain new perspectives from. The whole video was great.
yep. Every choice I made was a punishable offense as a child, and that has been a doozy to sort through well into middle-age. Analysis Paralysis, externally focused people-pleasing, and self-doubt/self-sabotage have all lead to some unhealthy coping mechanisms. Therapy and meditation have worked wonders at recovering a healthier sense of self.
@@jmfs3497 did u both grow up literally on my household?? I am so sorry about my abusive covert narc mother doing that to you.!!..only bitter lol. You both describe my childhood and young adulthood to a t.
So appreciate your comments! -Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I had a crappy childhood, lol. Seriously though I did.
@@thehotcoffeehouse6081 I think most of us here did, and that’s exactly why we’re here. At least we’re at a point now where we can recognize and name not only what happened to us, and how it contributed to our unhealthy habits and actions, how it made us act “crazy” (and I’m not calling US crazy, just some [many] of our actions and choices as crazy). But, because of this recognition, we can now come to terms with it and actually DO something about it so we can get off the crazy-making hamster wheel of self damage and learn how to heal, and this is just the place to learn how to do it and put it in practice. A better, healthier, happier life awaits!
About age: When I turned 63, God told me to live as though I had 60 more years to live. (I’m not saying I’m going to live that long. But to have the attitudes and habits for as if).
this is SUCH a wonderful idea for us in our 60s!
In Genesis 6:3 God talks about how He changes man’s lifespan to 120 years. May you be blessed to live a long and fruitful life and to have the years that the locust has stolen be returned to you in joyous measure. ♥️
I’m 63 and I’m so glad I saw your comment! I’ve had a lifetime of trauma and abuse and I’m just beginning the hardest part of my journey! Here’s to the best years of our lives🥂God bless you💕
Sure do love this!
34 is a great age to be working all this out! I had 2 boys in my early 20s and was a single mom so now in my mid 50s and a grandma and just now finding out who I am, getting therapy and mending my mind, body & soul. Its never too late to heal from childhood trauma. Never. So grateful to have found you Fairy lady!🙏 new to your channel and its helping me a lot!
So true. Thank you for sharing ❤️
Im also in my 50s. Just retired from a teaching career I loved. My health is struggling which I now realize is due to pushing down the traumas of my life. Now, Im forced to figure out who I am. What I want to do with my life? Ive started trauma therapy, and Im working on healing. Thank you for sharing!
I'm a 41 yo man and that letter completely resonated with me. My greatest regrets are not getting married and not having kids. It tortures me everyday, and I look around and see all these happy couples with kids and a dog and I just feel like I've screwed up everything. I was always told that men have all the time in the world for this, but if you're a straight man and women are racing against their own timeline, you're also bound by their timeline. Any woman who isn't too young for me seems to be married with children already. I just keep praying that God will bring me a good wife and I can have a simple but complete life.
You are not alone. I am a 41 yo woman in this exact same situation. Living my life as an onlooker with regrets now of not marrying or having kids and now wishing I had 😔 I feel a deep sadness now and like it's all too late. The little picture is my beloved little fur baby Meeko, who passed away last year at 17.5 yo. so now I really feel alone. I'm not bothering with dating sites, or going out to meet someone. We just need to keep praying and have faith that God does have the right person for us soon 🙏 some scriptures to remember, that I cling to: Joel 2:25 KJV And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. 2 Peter 3:8 NIV But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. 1 Peter 5:10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. God bless you ❤
@@suzannehill2111 These are very comforting scriptures, Suzaanne. Thank you for sharing them with us. God Bless.
You’re young… get help and go for it. My brother got married, unable to have kids for 7 years. This wife left and he got married again at 44 2 kids how… , he still looks and acts young and all is good
@@suzannehill2111 woes sis- 48 and in this boat. I always pray for coming out of the wilderness… And yes, the verses you quoted. Not sure if mine is up timing and ADd, ASD and Bipolar, physical, asthma, migraines, autoimmune or spiritual or all of the above. But basically barely surviving
I’m 22 y/o and recovering from parents who felt they needed to get married and create kids to become “complete”. They relied on their kids and each other to make them feel whole, but they were responsible for making us feel whole. They put their feelings first and did not. I’m hard against marriage, but that comes from my own experiences. Just from a place of genuine curiosity, what is it that makes you all feel regretful? If you found an amazing connection with another person, does the legality of marriage matter? Or would having an amazing partner feel like enough? Same with children. May I ask why? Do you really want to force another life form to inevitably face physical/mental/social struggle on this crazy, doomed planet? Or is it more about easing the loneliness of the human condition? And doing so in ways that society tells us we has to? Maybe there are other ways ….but hey, im here bc im learning too 😊🤔
I had my son when I was 34... and it wasn't until my fifties that things really started taking off for my career. I hope LOTS of people tell her she has lots of time!
Thanks for being one of them! -Cara@TeamFairy
Amen!
Same here! I got my autism diagnosis late in my 40's and that knowledge gave me the opportunity for a "hard reset". I joined CR, processed my emotional baggage, and learned over time how to forgive, understand, and accept forgiveness. I have no intention of fading away. The world is new and I life 2.0 has now begun, but now I get to make my own choices and take my own past under advisemwnt because it no longer hurts. It has taught me some great lessons about the person I want to be moving forward, and what I am no longer willing to be subject to.
That's young for London (UK). Half of first time mothers in London are over 40!
@@elizabethf8078I love "take my past under advisement"! What is CR?
34 is FAR from being too old. I'm ten years older than her. I hope so much that she can heal and see things crystal clear.
34? I'm 65 and have also had attachment issues/anxiety/depression from childhood trauma from my mother. I don't trust my own judgment. At 34, you have so much time to turn things around. I can relate to the high achievement at school. Being successful at school is one way to find refuge from an awful home life.
Thank you all of the brave women commenting and sharing that they feel the same as this letter writer, and like they're "too old". I'm 29 and dealing with this feeling, and like I've wasted so much life and feel trapped and frozen, and I know how ridiculous it sounds but it's been causing me so much pain. I feel better knowing I'm not alone and that we are all normal for feeling this way after going through a lot, and that it's not too late at all. In fact things are only going to get better. Good things are coming.
You are not alone. There is a reason why I am here in the comment section as well. ❤
32. To me, the feeling is less 'I'm too old' and more '32 years is too long to feel like this, how am I still surviving?'
I left a loveless and unhappy marriage to find my happiness and people around me treated me like I was insane. Don't be afraid to take some risks to create an authentic life. I am in an incredible relationship now with a man I truly love and cherish. Even if no one supports you, do what is right for you. It's your life. You have to live with it.
30s are YOUNG!! So much life ahead. Wise words in response to the letter, and my own note is that the writer is very hard on herself. I understand that very well. But truly the writer has accomplished so much more than most at a young age, it sounds like perspective, depression and making changes are to be addressed. Love to everyone who can also relate to this. ✌️
Thank you for the supportive comments! -Cara@TeamFairy
It depends on what you want. If she wants to have kids, it is on the older side. It's young though for relationships, jobs, etc.
@@rebeccajones9757 no too old. I have a friend who had her first son at 18, then her second son came when she was 41. She planned the second one. She tells everyone that she recommends waiting until your 40’s to have kids, because she’s having more fun with her second son. Her grown child was slightly offended when she first said this 😂
@@rebeccajones9757 34 is not 'on the older side' for kids ffs. Better to have them in her 30s-early 40s than have them while she's still broken on the inside.
So funny I’m a software engineer but what would make me really happy is to own a Pilates studio right by the beach. Get in at 6am for my first class with driven, positive students and end the day at 6pm for my clients right from work. I want to build out a franchise for this around my country. Pure peace.
That's a lovely dream and something to investigate. It sounds achievable with the right knowledge. Wishing you luck!
@@Here4TheHeckOfIt thank you so much! ❤️
Do it ❤
I am 50 and in the same place, 34 is a wonderful place to begin. I think 50 is also a great place to start dreaming. I literally have not allowed myself to dream big. I wish Christina the best and all of the excitement in learning to check in with yourself and imagine the life you truly want. 💗
Thank you for your kind words! Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
In 3 weeks, I’m retiring from almost 31 years as a firefighter. It’s been a good job and has provided well for my family. But I’ve never been fulfilled. I’ve been separated from my family for 4 years. My spouse doesn’t understand and doesn’t seem to want to, how C-PTSD affects a person and their thoughts and behaviors. I’ll be 58 in February. I’m still hoping for some kind of happiness. Haven’t found it yet… I’ve said for years that I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up…… Still don’t. This video has given me a spark of Hope….
Keep at it Scott. Don't quit.
Your still so young! Love yourself. This is the perfect time for you to find ways to nurture yourself. If the channel doesn’t mind my suggesting Alanon ( they even have online meetings) there’s a lot of good stuff there that helps us shift focus in a healthy way.
Our happiness can only truly come from you. You must fall in love with you. Find your peace. Hugs y’all
A great book is called Walk your blues away “ it is fascinating. It’s about emdr therapy. Cptsd can be treated with emdr therapy.
Happiness is living in agreement with your own values, and you can only meet people who agree with your values when you live your own.
This is HUGE. I chased after roles, professions, men, and crafts that I knew would win applause and acceptance of my community, and the authority figures I grew up around. It took a while for me to think through what I REALLY wanted- the roles, professions, and men I TRULY wanted for myself irrespective of what others thought.
Thank you for commenting this … I am realizing that my parents did this and ended up with things they didn’t want. 😢 Jobs, no friends, each other 🥲 My job was “go to school and grow up” so that I could become them, it felt like. But I was misunderstood when the existential dread and depression started to creep in around ~ age 10. Their survival mode meant winning approval was the only way to be “good enough” or successful enough. That’s how they raised me, and finally, FINALLY it’s my turn. I can choose to learn what’s real, what will really make me feel good. Not what I was pushed, suppressed, punished, and “people-pleased” into chasing 🥹 for societal acceptance. What about self-acceptance? That’s the goal now. Hang in there. ❤
@@queentrinicorn9441hope you found this! 😊
It is never too late if you can stay healthy and motivated. I quit my job that was no longer satisfying at 62, then went camping cross county with my dual sport motorcycles and my camper van. Came back at 65 built a home 2/1 myself on some land. Did just about all the work myself except for heavy lifting. Now as 69 female trying to figure my next adventure. My young adulthood had many struggles and challenges, but just kept trying. Joined groups for therapy and support. Life started getting better in late 40’s. Life is not easy. Always supported myself with no help. We cannot choose our families and if there is something we do not like…get some help and support. I am always on a mission of trying to make things better and more loving as a single female.
You are very inspiring ❤. I need to know more about your life and how.you made it through!
Worth considering for everyone who worries about having kids: if you’re still in touch with your parents and they mention this a lot, they are probably trying to validate THEMSELVES and their own choices. It is not about “I wish you had kids so that you could enjoy them.” It’s about “I wish you had kids so that you would absolve me.” You do NOT have to let that sentiment control you, as nice as it may sound on the surface.
True. When I bcm pregnant by the holy ghost, For days me and my sis were thinking how to explain that to mum and rest "well I'm gonna have a baby but no boyfriend or husband ", we Always think abt expectations of our family, but luckily they were dellusional and thinking "Finally that child is coming to senses and becoming down to earth" yeah right. Also my mum was frightened that she never Will be a grandma, so I filled that void. Lol.
So true! I have witnessed grandparents treating grandchildren significantly better than they ever treated their own kids. I mean to the point that their adult children had never seen that side of them. So you are totally right that in some cases it is a thing of wanting to be absolved.
@@Whol3NothaL3v3l I heard about That. That grandparents treats grandkids better , psychology IT is. But overall there is not so much differencies if better watch situation. First off, grannies bcs they are older, they feel themselves as children and their Own conflicts awakens when they were kids, so They are , we heard many Times Old People acting Like kids . But there's more to that, psychologists knows details.
Late 20's and 30's??? Wow. I'm totally jealous of all those who have been able to get to the bottom of the (sorry) MIND FUCK that their family dumped them into early in life. I wasn't even aware of what Narcissism WAS until my late 50's and finally found a decent therapist at 59. I'll just say here that if you are that young, you are so very blessed. I look back on ALL the major life hurdles: birth family relationships, school performance, socialization and friendships; marriage, career, child rearing, and now (an underfunded) retirement.......the losses of my 64+ years are as enormous as they are insurmountable. 34? Dear God!!!! I only wish I had that opportunity. Christina, wherever you are: PICK YOUR HEAD UP. Cripes, you couldn't even VOTE until you were 18 and your life wasn't really yours to call the shots on until you were past grad school. YOU ARE JUST GETTING OUT OF THE GATE AND HAVE A WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU. DON'T MISS IT.
I'm like that devoted "good man" the woman writing in passed on. My wife is the person with Childhood PTSD. She actually married that kind of man (ME!) who loves her unconditionally, who pursued her for years despite her keeping me at arms-distance and breaking up with me repeatedly. We first met at age 13 (and she asked me out first, but then it was me pursuing her ever since). We married at 26, after an on-and-off relationship. The other guys she dated, that she is typically drawn to, are the controlling, possessive jerk types. She has never felt very attracted to me, like she is to the guys that ended up mistreating her. After 20 years of marriage and 4 kids, going through all the good and bad stuff of life together, I thought we were all each other needed. Then, she fell in love with someone else, and she's divorcing me. (I think it's not love, but limerence. See Anna's videos on limerence, if you don't know what that is.) I still love her. She knows that. She still loves me in the same way that she has for years, but she's said she's not "in love" with me. (I think she's chasing the emotional rush she gets when things are good with the other man. He seemed similar to me in many ways, considerate and affectionate, at first. But now, when she's actually divorcing me so she can go be with him, his behavior has changed. He seems angry, and he's become very controlling of her, just like the guys who hurt her so bad in the past. I'm concerned for her. I think that she will have a lot of regret after she's been in that relationship a while. I'm also concerned what impact it's going to have on our kids (two grown and moved out, two under 10 years old that we will have shared custody of). I'm not the kind of man she's normally attracted to, but I'm good for her and good to her. But history has shown the kind of man she's attracted to turns out to be bad for her, time and time again. Maybe after 20 years of being married to a good man, her attraction has changed. I'm sad for the end of our marriage. But I'm worried about her future and about our kids. I've gone through my time of grief for our marriage already (though I expect another round after she leaves), and I know I'll be alright. A big part of me hopes that she realizes she didn't find what she was looking for in the other man, and that she will realize we had a good thing. In the meantime, I'm working on myself in the areas I know I'm lacking. (Maybe it'll make me seem more attractive to her, maybe not, but I know I've got to grow anyway.)
I hope all goes well for you and your kids and things work out for the best. Every journey no matter how difficult ultimately opportunities for growth and wisdom. You sound like a thoroughly decent human being good on 👍🏽
@@angelawilliamson6765 Thank you. Since she moved after the divorce, I moved nearby her (20+ miles away, to give her space) to make co-parenting our younger kids easier to deal with. I've moved forward with working on myself. I'm currently going through an ADHD coaching program (I was diagnosed in 2020 with the Inattentive type, what used to be called ADD). I'm lucky that most of my personal struggles seem to stem from ADHD, and my treatment is working well so far. I wish my (now-ex-)wife's CPTSD was as easily treatable. Really, I wish she'd get the help she needs for it. (It's been a long, long time since she tried any kind of therapy. She's gotten her doctor to try all kinds of medications which didn't work, because CPTSD and the BPD I suspect she also has aren't treated as easily with meds. I think that she would be better served working with a trauma therapist.) Similar to living with undiagnosed ADHD (as I did until I was 45), if you don't identify and treat the root cause of CPTSD, then you just continue to struggle. But there's better help available now than ever before!
@@j.d.aengusAs you said trauma therapist would be her best bet sadly we can't cure other people, they have to work these things out for themselves. I'm glad you've moved nearer to the children, makes co-parenting whole lot easier. Good for you that you're very proactive in your journey and I've had realised you have A DD and getting help. Your growth will benefit not only you but also your kids 🙏🏼🍀🙏🏼
@@j.d.aengus what a heartbreaking story... I'm sorry that you are going through this. I hope you both find happiness.
THANK YOU so much for sharing with us!!! Sending you all the very best!!
The first 60 seconds of this video already says MORE THAN any professional ever states (that has never personally understood CPTSD or trauma). You feel your the only one living this way until you tune into this channel, where you get to realize there are others struggling the same way. And we all wish we had this video decades ago, but are still grateful for it now! Thank you!
Omg right?????!!!!!!
I finally came to terms with my childhood trauma when i got my hands on a bunch of old home videos and photos, and I could see the deep sadness on the face of little me in every photo and video.
For years I had the persistent thought that I was living the wrong life. Then my life blew up. I got divorced and moved to a new country. I eventually met a new man and settled into a new life. But even though every circumstance was different, the feeling that I was living the wrong life resurfaced. Now I feel like that thought is just one of the ways I harm myself and undermine my own happiness. I try not to listen to that "wrong life" voice any more, or at least listen to it with a lot of scepticism.
53 here starting over. 30's still a baby. My grandmother user to tell me that the best relationship you will ever have in your life is when your older much older. I thought she was crazy. Now i know she was 100% on point. And women are having babies way up past there 40's now.
Good point! -Cara@TeamFairy
I'm 39 and about to get married next year . Heartbroken for 8yrs and now I found who I want to celebrate my life with . My partner and I suffered from Childhood traumas and came from unhealthy narcissistic family . Our bonding is sharing our ideas and lesson learned to make our relationship never wrong again .
It's not too late! I went back to college after my divorce at 46! I had 2 kids and 2 jobs but it was thrilling! I also met a wonderful man who is my best friend and I can truly be myself with! Don't give up! God will give you a new dream for your life if you 🙏 pray for it and ask!
I have BPD and CPTSD (as well as other things), and when trying to think about what I want in my life, daydreaming in a sky's the limit type way, I just...don't...know. I think of things, but then it just still feels empty. I've tried to search myself for this for YEARS and I just don't KNOW. I love singing. But I don't want to do that as a job. In my ultimate reality, I wouldn't work at all. I'd just re-discover my hobbies and do them for myself, and that's good enough for me. I'd live in a beautiful apartment...alone. But then I'd end up feeling alone in a bad way. The ONLY people I can spend a lot of time with without feeling tense and emotionally exhausted, is a Favourite Person. But eventually, my feelings change and although I still love the person, once they're no longer my Favourite Person, I CAN'T be comfortable and happy being around them a lot. And it's not their fault, or mine. It just is. But it's sad.
I think 34 is a great age to realize who we are. I send a lot of love and light to this lovely woman, I wish her all the best and I can assure her that things get better and we do heal. Once something is overcome, there is no way back... And that is an amazing feeling I started having at 36 more or less, not before. Good luck!
Thanks so much for throwing support to our writer! -Cara@TeamFairy
One of my favorite qoutes is: "Do something today that your future self will thank you for". Anna, your videos are life changing ❤🎉
Thank you for being a part of our community here! Nika@TeamFairy
So grateful that you started this career (with the blog) at age 53! Because you did, here I am having hopes and thousands of other people. THANK YOU. I'm going to live on too
We so appreciate your words of support for Anna's work. -Cara@TeamFairy
I am 65 and never took a risk to do the things I wanted to do. We didn't have all this information on CPTSD and it's effect on our life when I was younger. Now that I know, I am doing better. It's never to late to change your life. Don't get stuck in the past, just enjoy your life now and plan for an amazing future. There are really good ideas in this video. Thank you!
Thanks for listening! -Cara@TeamFairy
You are correct. We did not. I wasn't even aware that physical and psychological abuse caused "mental problems" until I read a breaking article in a popular progressive magazine when I was 38. It only began to dawn on me then... There was so-called shell shock. PTSD only happened to those brave persons who served during war times and even that took a long time to be recognized as disabling. Ordinary people didn't experience such a thing. As for CPTSD, my understanding is it's only been quite recently recognized, last couple of decades maybe.
Im 65 and feel numb and paralyzed… feeling lost. How can you hope and dream at age 65?
@lisagrawunder I beleive as long as we are alive, there is hope. Start with something small. Do something nice just for you. You are the most important person in your life. You matter. 👍
@@lisagrawunderWriting helps, if not try to get a good therapist to help you discover your wishes/a life that gives you satisfaction. Especially if one has the physical strengt and health to be aktive, it's never too Late. Good luck. ❤❤❤
I think it's really possible she didn't want these things that she passed up. I have often wondered why I passed up certain people/opportunities. In reality I didn't want it/them. And 34 still seems very young. And it's it's much better to not have married the wrong person and end up divorced and/or overwhelmed by kids you're not emotionally prepared for. I know that sort of mimicks what's in the video but that is genuinely what I feel. Hopefully she's able to get out of the the depression and find out what she really wants.
This letter sounds like my life, except I did marry my man. We were married 10 days short of 24 years. He was sick, totally disabled, the last 14 years. It didn't matter. He was my love. I grew up in that same environment; I had the same release - doing well in school. I am 54, and I changed my career. I went back to school. I learned new skills. I love it. It doesn't matter how old you are, you can start again.
Dear Fairy: I am a therapist and I am growing so much from your content. This video will be a client's homework. What you say resonates with me so much. I have learned that I definitely have C-PTSD. Perhaps that is why I connect so well with my clients. I also recognize in me a strong drive to be a rescuer. I also beat myself up when people do not get well. Yes, I have codependence with my husband, my children, my clients, even my pets. I am learning to be okay even when others in my circle are not okay. It still feels selfish, and perhaps that is because previously the self had no important at all. Thank you for your work. I even ask that my clients watch your video : Why I quit talk therapy. Do what works. Peace. Sally
@Doglady_Thearpy_LLC thanks so much for your support of Anna's work! -Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy it is too late for some and you can adopt stoicism to cope. Also, what if writing it down is daunting
Anna proves that experience is the best teacher.
I could have sworn, before she said her age, that this was a woman in her 60s talking about life regrets. She needs some serious help. She’s not too old for anything at 34.
Yes!
But you are past 60?
I am nearly 60, and just realizing now, how I got here. I hope it's not too late for me! I relate to being a high scholastic achiever. However, I got pregnant at 18, with my high school sweetheart. There were no choices offered. I got married, because that's what Mom said I had to do. I had a full 2 year scholarship to community college, but my mom offered no support for me to stay in school, in fact she encouraged me to quit, saying I had made my choice, by having sex before marriage. No one ever said "You can keep going to school, have a career, AND be a mom". Almost every "crisis" for the past 40 years has been related to this single choice that others made for me. The marriage failed. I raised my kids as best I could, and love my daughters dearly. There were ALWAYS other choices, and although I missed a lot of chances, I can finally make decisions based on MY needs, without guilt. Thank you for enlightening me!
Yes, great attitude! -Cara@TeamFairy
I have the same name as this woman and I feel very similarly to her. Lost. But I'm 39 with more heavy childhood abuse and no good man has wanted to marry me. Men have wanted to marry me but they were very unkind. 39 and feeling too lost to really start over. So far my solution is to stick to projects, not chase guys at all, and still hope one really wants me. I feel so pathetic and undesirable. Oh well.
I just turned 58 years old. My mother just told me that I was a big failure in life. And that I have made a mess of it. I’m currently on disability due to fibromyalgia, I’ve been on a healing journey for 25 years. Some where I lost my way. I believe it’s when I moved back to my hometown. I became a single mom and when I was 31. My son is a drug addict. I want to believe that my life is still worthy and that I am not too old to make a valuable contribution to this world. I had a very horrible childhood like all of us. I coped with alcohol. Now I’ve been sober for 15 years with the occasional slip. The young lady writing this letter has a good life ahead of her. She’s very young. And had the ability to focus in school. I was unable to. I truly believe you’re going to self actualize ! To me you are a remarkable success. Keep God at the front and you’ll become clear in your young life. Self compassion ❤.
Sounds like ADHD. I hope you are well. I'm sure you'll be okay and life will bloom beautiful with you. Take care 🫂
Self-discipline develops in a child that has a good support system and teaches how self discipline can lead to any success. If you can discipline yourself to save money, Focus on goals, not allow other peoples opinions into your life. Then nothing can stop you
This resonated with me so much: (1) Being a high achiever to compensate for a pretty brutal childhood filled with mental illness and verbal abuse; (2) destroying a relationship with a man who truly loved me; (3) since having burnout in my last job 2 years ago, I feel like I am no longer on any path because I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. I taught for more than 20 years but I have no more joy with this. I will be 50 next year. It gives me solace and hope that there is still time. Thank you, Anna
There is time. Honor yourself!
Perfectionism is my coping mechanism. All my life I have heard, "You are too hard on yourself." I didn't see it. This was how I lived my life. Now in my 50's I am learning to be nicer to myself. Yay!
I m 41 and I m sure the best years of my life are yet to come🌻💛. Thank you for your amazing and honest work. Blessings
Great outlook! -Cara@TeamFairy
Yes! I am 38 and ready for my real life to begin, finally, after 10 years of working on the CPTSD 🎉🥳
It’s true!
So much of her letter is littered with signs of depression. The hopelessness, the regret, the low self worth. Depression really changes how you see yourself and your life, how you function, how you move through life. I hope she really gets help and finds ways to alleviate the depression 🙏 finding yourself, telling the truth, honoring yourself, figuring out what you want, what you like, and who you are are definitely ways to help build back your sense of self 🙏 all good advice
Good pickup. Quite distorted and negative thought patterns.
I’m 37 and this hits home...I always thought I was the only one going through this. Thank you to everyone for their openness. Reading everyone’s journey and it being relatable makes it seem like Christmas came early 🙏🏼
How lovely! -Cara@TeamFairy
I'm 37 and feel the same. I thought I was the only one also. Thank you.
At 41, never married kids. I guess I've always been afraid of jumping into all that because now looking back at my childhood and into dating life, I never felt good enough for anyone. I finally now do after realizing that all those years I was in narcissistic codependent relationships. Its time to figure out what I want and not people pleasing. Its never too late to decide what I want for myself. Thankfully at an older age, I see things differently than when I was younger so this healthier mindset will help greatly. Thank you for all your help and insight.
the woman who wrote this letter has a beautiful future with God because she is able to sincerely pray for that marriage, which shows immense emotional and spiritual maturity.
This resonates with me right now. Like her, I was nine when all my drama started. From the age of 9-13 my adopted mom, dad, brother, uncle and grandad died. I went into video games and binge eating to "cope" with all the trauma I was going through. Because I lost so many people in my life that I loved and because I didn't want to lose more people in my life, I became a people pleaser. I would do anything in my power to keep people in my life, even if that means physically hurting myself to make then happy. I want to be happy but I don't know what happy is, only thing I know is how to distract myself. I want to get rid of comparing myself to others, because it's caused me physical and mental pain. I want to love myself, but I can't even look at myself in a mirror without getting mad at myself. I just want to live life, not just let it pass me by.
Your post made me really sad 🥺 I am sorry you had to go through all of this. I can resonate with the "people pleaser" mentality and the "eating to cope". I ended up with several burnouts because of that. In time I realised I was hurting myself physically and mentally. I had to sit myself down and think how I can make small changes and how I can learn to say no. In all honesty, my body ended up telling me..lol.. I love helping people and I don't want to change so much that I turn everyone down. But you can set yourself limits. I made a decision to listen to my body and my schedule before making commitments. It takes a lot of practice. I also tried to fill my time with things I do for myself. I would make lots of plans for other people but never put stuff in the calendar like "going for a hike by myself", "having a bubble bath", "booking a massage". Maybe if you plan things like that ahead of time and consider these times as fully booked, it's easier to say no to other commitments. It will also make you feel good and might reduce the necessity to pass time by eating. Having a night routine really helps me. I hope you will get better!
@ stoogey1 thanks for sharing with us, we have more support and connection at www.crappychildhoodfairy.com including resources and a free course :) -Cara@TeamFairy
You deserve love. You ARE love!! You are literally made out of love! If you could work so hard to make others happy, what makes you think you don't deserve that same love? It doesn't hurt anyone else to love yourself, does it? You have to love yourself because no one else is necessarily going to do it for you and trust me you'll be more fun for the others in your life if you already love yourself. I hope you can heal and get there in time. You truly deserve it. You have survived so much and are still here!! Look at what an amazing person you are!!! I'm rooting for you 💗💗💗
you are me, hope you're alright
As an aro ace person (aromantic asexual) I really really appreciate that you were open with considering that not all relationship avoidance is self sabotage. I've struggled for a long time not understanding why I don't really "fall in love" with people. My highest form of attachment is very strong platonic bonds, and I always felt broken when I got into a romantic or sexual relationship, only to wish that it would stop and I could just be friends. Now I realize that it's just my orientation, and not all compromise is healthy for me. Would someone tell a lesbian to "just compromise" and be with a man? The people who do that are totally disrespectful. It's hard to stay true to yourself when everyone thinks you "should" be a certain way, but I'm going to keep going and find the right people who will appreciate me for who I am.
I'm also aroace, and I love seeing other aces in the wild. It's great seeing another ace pipe up in youtube comments, forum posts, articles. It's easy to forget that I'm not the only one. I'm a few years older than the letter writer and didn't relate to the desire for marriage and children. Then I saw your comment and thought, "Oh yeah, we do exist, don't we?"
@@taramcanuff4709 Yes! We do exist! Good to see you too :)
Amen to that!!! I appreciate you 🖤
Wait, what?!? I need to look into this because it sounds like you are talking about me and describing me to a tee.
@@AprilThriftArt welcome to the chat! 🤗
So much of what she said in the letter resonated so deeply with me it almost felt like she was relaying my own thoughts. Especially everything she said about her career choice. I turned 25 this year and I am a medical student that doesn't enjoy medicine and honestly the medical field in general just absolutely distresses me. The highs are sweet but the lows are very very very low. It also was never really my choice as I grew up in a society that thinks the best thing any high school graduate can do is get into med school. And also, my dad works in the field and it felt almost illogical to my 17 yo self that I wouldn't follow in his footsteps. I never really expressed any real interest in biological and medical science but being a high-achieving curious kid I thought it wouldn't be long until I created that interest myself or that something I would study one day would light up that imaginary spark buried deep within me. 8 years later, things have only felt worse and worse. And there's another dimension to this that I think even the writer of the letter might relate to.. There's a lot of guilt that comes with this. When you have the opportunity to serve your community by helping alleviate their pain, or in this woman's case, help them build their academic future.. I just feel so so incredibly guilty that it isnt bringing me satisfaction. I sometimes think something must be wrong with me. Maybe this depression I'm stuck in is just proof that I'm not a good person. Because if I was, surely I would be able to withstand all the trauma that a medical student goes through because, hey at the end of the day I'm helping people. And that used to work for me in the beginning but as time passed the despair just felt insurmountable. I don't have shifts anymore as I'm currently working on my thesis but even with that I find it incredibly difficult to find any motivation at all. I just go from doing a microscopic amount of progress to guilt tripping myself to comparing myself to my classmates to picking myself up off the floor again to do some more microscopic progress and so on and so on the cycle continues. I never reached out to get professional help as part of me still feels ashamed to face a fellow healthcare professional with these thoughts even though I've been told by psychiatrists that most of their patients were working in the medical field. I only recently started reaching out to my high school friend about this and that did help a little bit. I don't know where I'm going with this and I didn't intend on writing such a long comment woops! Initially I just wanted to express how much I relate to the lady who wrote the letter and how much I loved Anna's advice. Also everytime you said you were proud of her a tear started welling up in my eye, I just know how much she needed to hear that and how much relief that would bring her! I am proud of her too and as you said we're all here together, we've had a difficult run but it's never too late to turn the tide. I'm going to start implementing your advice into my life and I am genuinely excited to start! Much love
I just wanted to say that it sounds like your body is screaming at you that this is not for you. I have been a nurse for 20 years so I appreciate what you’re saying about working in healthcare being traumatic. It is. There are videos on KZhead of people that have quit medicine. If you like reading I recommend the book manifest. I wish you all the best. I intend to quit nursing by 2027. I refuse to give my entire adult working life to this job that can be so draining. I’m British and work in the NHS which is a total mess nowadays.
I almost broke up with my now husband during our engagement. But due to his pleading and other people's expectations I married him. I've felt like I've missed out on the life I truly wanted. I feel suffocated as a stay at home mom. I don't know what to do anymore. It'd break his heart if I left now.
"Gone numb" that's me. Perfect timing on the video. Sometimes, it's just easier to give up. I'm tired all the time and look forward to nothing.
Stay strong, reach out! We have more help if you need it courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/ -Cara@TeamFairy
Same here...I gave up
Same for me
I feel this 😓 I know how you feel. I’m sorry
Wow- Christina’s letter was powerful. I’ve never related to something more. I’m 35 and in the exact same situation. I feel hopeless because I made all the wrong decisions. And now I feel like I’m in the wrong life.
Ditto. But I’m 58. I’d gladly trade places. May we both find our way 🙏
I woke up at 59, and though the process of this realization was bitter & painful. I am grateful that I got it. It is never too late.
The power of healing your trauma: "I was 53..." And she looks early 30's. Not that pretty is the rent you pay for being on earth, not that your age has anything to do with your worth as a person, but it's amazing how stress and negativity can sap your life force in physical ways .
I could have written that letter...you're not alone.
Yes, I can relate hard to this one. Whoosh.
And you aren't alone either :) -Cara@TeamFairy
I don't think our generation of those 60 and over really got the right help and support from the medical establishment when CPTSD wasn't properly understood and I know we have all endured a lot of pain and suffering because of that. Yes, the Internet and people like Anna with shared life experience are such a blessing. Anna, you are like the caring, comforting wise mother I have never known. Your soothing voice alone helps and makes me feel less terrible about myself. God can work through people as well. Though my journey has been longer than most, I pray for a breakthrough and the grace and strength to help and bless others in my turn, using the gifts the Most High has given me🙏💕💐
Great comment! 💕
Cristina is me, and I am her. I am ALSO 34, i rethink whether i chose the right career and how i should've made different choices in Life, especially regarding dating. I'm also focused and working on myself and my childhood trauma, I honestly thought Cristina was in her 50s in the beginning of the story. Some days my age gets to me, and other days I think i DO have time. We can't give up, we are the only ones who can change and improve our lives. I am aiming to do something challenging, even if small every single day. Ive realized I don't know who I am, we have to get to know ourselves better.
34!!!!! Guuuuurl that's the time to make a great life not give up on one. Every action builds upon the last and that concept never expires. I retired in my mid 30s now in my mid 40s I'm reignited and ready to start yet another life for myself. We can have many lives on the timeline of our biological existence.
Exactly right! -Cara@TeamFairy
Key word here is Southern Europe. Everyone in the comments is saying she still has time to change her career path, but trust me, this is place is not the land of opportunities.
Praying for someone who we once loved and has moved on is a good idea. However, something I started doing is I pray, "Lord bring someone into their life who will pray for them, someone who sees their day-to-day life and can focus on their needs more than I can after being out of their life for these many months and years." This keeps me from moving them into the forefront of my thoughts, wondering what they need me to pray about, dwelling on them and remembering our time together. When my memories of their smile, their eyes, their touch comes into my mind I can say, "Lord, I asked that you bring someone else into their life. Please bring them now and let me let go." Then I consciously move them out of my mind and thank the Lord that I do not need to feel responsible for them anymore.
I call this my 'Rag Doll' theory - being buffeted by outside influences; seemingly without the ability to gather inner balance.
I'm 63, and life is just beginning... every morning 🌞🌻😁
She doesn’t have to feel like crap about herself for not having a college degree and she still has time to have children. She is way ahead of the curve.
Here I am, months away from turning 60, a year away from retiring from my 30 year career that was never fulfilling or the right fit for me… Widowed from an emotionally abusive marriage…and reluctant to go out there and find anyone else…never feeling connected to any one person, and the few friends or family that I thought would have liked to build a mutually committed relationship but ultimately ghosted or unattached… the only saving Grace was being blessed with the best 3 daughters any one could hope for…this is the first time I really heard that it all relates back to my unattached and emotionally/physically absent parents.
The "glass" in between might be a sign for derealisation(hopefully you know that term, I am german, so maybe I did not translated it well). I learnt about this symptom for I had this strange, unbelonging feeling, whilst beeing in a social situations, when i was a child. Quite common cptsd symptom, I'll check on a book and share it here, if it's available in english as well. Excuse my poor language skill. All the best to all of you searching souls. 💚
You got the word right. And yes, that is a good point!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thanks for your assurance, dear fairy.
That’s how I’ve felt my whole life
I’m also 34 and so closely identify with Christina. Hearing you speak, Anna, brought tears to my eyes. I smiled and felt maternal warmth in your words. I needed that. Today was one of those days where I’ve felt so hopeless and this was a blessing. I’m so grateful to have found this community and to have had the means to become a member. Thank you. I will keep going.
Hi HP!
💕
You tell the truth and with encouragement, I’m much older and have also know there is still time to take care of yourself and to follow the goals toward building your satisfaction in life. Don’t worry. Be open. Honest.
Thanks so much for your support - glad you are here -Cara@TeamFairy
Almost 70 and a big fan!
Pausing at 12:24. Do not have the childhood trauma this letter-writer had, but feeling very stuck and lost in my mid/late 30s. Loved that the therapist admits she also had a shift in her 30s, and her life was even easier in her 50s. I am definitely a late-bloomer and sometimes that's a disheartening thing when I see everyone around me having made good career decisions earlier on and I'm still kind of out here testing waters as time ticks by. It feels good that I'm not "doomed."
It seems like every time I turn around, someone assumes that I have made a choice when I was just collecting “data” so that I could consider how I feel about a particular situation, person, place....I need more time to make my choices. I am very methodical.
Wow, that letter resonated with me so much, especially the regret about not loving a good man when he was there. I had no idea regret could annihilate me so badly. It was like being haunted and hounded, to a point where death seemed like it was the only way to escape the constant self-recrimination. Luckily, I got a good therapist this past summer and found this channel and the daily practice helped a lot with releasing the guilt, shame, and belief that I ruined my life. I love what you said here about maybe we think life was supposed to be that certain way - I hadn't realized that my belief that my stubbornness, stupidity, and thoughtlessness lead me to missing the life I was supposed to have was just that - a belief. There are still aspect of my life that are a total mess but I do have a job that I absolutely adore and jazzes my brain up with excitement, and I'm slowly finding my feet and voice so hopefully I can eventually do something about the total messes. Thank-you for also what you said about some of us being late bloomers. I get mad at myself for the time I wasted and how I'm still wasting more time by not clearing up the messy parts of my life as quickly I want, but I'm doing what I can with a highly anxious, easily dysregulated brain, so a little self-forgiveness is in order :)
Great post. Be kind to yourself, every moment spent on the past takes away your opportunity to enjoy the present. I have to remind myself of this all the time. "What if" keeps "what is" out of focus. Congrats on your progress!
Yes, I feel that, too. Regret.
I feel the same. They are indeed all beliefs about ourselves, layers we peel of. Layers of protection. Happy to hear you found a good therapist and a job that makes you exited! I'm not there yet on that level, however I feel i'm heading into the right direction, and on other levels I do feel the excitement. Nice to read from people who are in the samen process. Wish you lot's of support in your process!
Yes! Please take the time to really get these old traumas & hurts out and done with....
Most people I know who married young, including myself (I married at 25) are now divorced and single parenting or co-parenting. I am 36 divorced a couple years ago and couldn't be more content with myself and proud of the healing I have done. Being single is sometimes the best thing for you. I am actually excited when I think about my future because I have never had solid boundaries. All this growth happened because of past pain. I am a better parent for it to. There is definitely hope. We just need to get comfortable and accept ourselves as we are even in times of despair. Accept what is and like she said, aim at things that bring you joy even if it's just to day dream until you can act on them. Baby steps.... 💟
I’m about to turn 37 and am single with no children. I fell into an abusive relationship in my late 20s, was glad I didn’t have kids to him and ended up living back home with my narc alcoholic dad. Now I want to work on myself and go to therapy. But I’m devastated that I may never have a child now. I’m hoping I can get my life together one day to adopt. It would be horrible for me for be in a bad marriage, so I have to be discerning. I’m currently grieving the child I never had. It would be a miracle for all the pieces to come together now. ❤
At 58, the idea of an encore career popped into my head after significant healing. I am currently a teacher, but always dreamed of a corporate job instituting big changes to make a city better. Teaching for me has mainly been because school was my happy place as a high achiever - just as Anna said, and suited my codependency. I don’t know where it will lead, but the world is opening up for me! Btw, I have 9 children and am four years divorced from an emotionally absent but crazy-making man. My real passions are just now surfacing after a lifetime of disregulation. I am trusting the world has a place for me and the “flow” will come. Thank you CCF for all the tools you’ve given me. Also, this is the first time I have ever felt safe in a roomful of people; ie the store, meeting someone new, being in a group thanks to my new tools for getting regulated quickly. Game changer. And the daily practice have relieved so much of daily suffering. I never believed any of this possible. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
I'm so glad that you are finding this relief! -Cara@TeamFairy
I'm pretty sure the concept of 'careers' is a new thing. Did people really have that option years ago?
Wow. I could have written that letter. 😕 I often feel like a stranger in a strange land. On the outside I am a leader, well-respected, intelligent...but on the inside I am nothing but chaos. I have been listening to your videos and you give me such hope! Thank you
It is super super common to have imposters syndrome. You are not faking it. Your distancing yourself from trauma and it feels foreign. Just know the further you get from trauma, the easier it gets.
Love that! -Cara@TeamFairy
I struggle with CPTSD, self-sabotage, and an unhealthy attachment to people-pleasing. Therapy has helped by having a sounding board for the trauma and a mentor to pivot to healthier inner habits. Daily meditation with an app a friend shared with me has been extremely helpful at recovering my sense of self. And then taking lessons, classes, or joining clubs over time has allowed me to explore different hobbies to see which ones really bring me joy.
That's the spirit! -Cara@TeamFairy
Every video I watch by Anna Runkle makes me feel I have found my tribe. Every video hits home. I flood tears listening to the stories of others, as I can so understand the pain. But I have to continue listening in. I have to. I am 51. Have had terrible relationships, no matter how hard I have tried. Still single. No family. Gained weight from menopause. Very lonely. Ongoing work performance issues. Never felt I deserved the basics in life. Resentful of others who can lead a normal life. I have never asked for a lot. I just don't want to spend every day in pain, grieving, and exhausted. I have tried so much to move on. Nothing has worked. Although I feel too old to wver meet anyone. Despite being so tired. I keep trying. Yesterday I joined membership with Crappy Childhood Fairy.
I am 23, and only recently have I discovered how much my unhealed trauma and codependent tendencies have impacted my life. I know I am very young and I have so much time, yet I still feel like I am behind my peers in so many ways.... But it's okay, we all have our own journeys. May we all heal and be happy!
We're all rooting for you! -Calista@TeamFairy
I feel this, I'm 26. I feel like a different species than my peers some times. I have hope for us!
I work in Accounting because numbers don’t traumatizes me. 🤷♀️ 🥰😘🙏😍❤️
I honestly think that im headed down that path and im only 21. I have a hard time setting my sights on what I want despite how driven I am. I grew up around 2 parents who have childhood trauma. They both raised me so well because they wanted better for me, but their ruminations and indecisiveness have rubbed off on me. I feel like I almost got second hand anxiety. But, im determined to change EARLY. Its possible and im excited to embark on this self healing journey.
SO glad you're here! Try the 'Daily Practice' course, free right here: courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com -Cara@TeamFairy
"When you're called to something, when there's something greater inside you that you're meant to do, thats how you-re going to experience it, as dissatisfaction with the best choices that you've made so far." Keystone statement, right there. I had to play that one back a few times.
I didn't wake up until I was 48 years old! It took me that long to acknowledge my C-TPSD and start my healing journey! I'm still not married and my career has stalled since Covid--but I'm going to keep healing and surging forward!👍🏾🌞
Me too!
@@rachelgregory888 We will heal & thrive!
You have plenty of time, believe me. I'm in my sixties and I'm in your exact situation emotionally and not nearly as good financially. I'd give anything to have those 30 years back to make a better life for myself. I wish you all the very best.