How COVERT AVOIDANCE Makes Your Life EMPTY
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If your life feels empty and lonely, despite the fact that you do all the things that are supposed to fill up your life -- you might be a COVERT AVOIDER. This is common for adults with CPTSD, who grew up with abuse and neglect. You might have a good career, you’re friendly, you’re interesting, there are people in your life -- but if you feel like nothing is CONNECTING, if it's all superficial and not giving you happiness, it’s time to ask yourself if you’re secretly AVOIDING your own life.
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Oh my goodness, you have no idea how much I treasure this and how confirming it is... I am more aware than I realized. Will add more later. Currently, making dinner (building new habits that feel scary) and will go on a walk with my friend who is 40 years older. I feel safe with her and we will be praying after. 😊
This sounds like a GOOD day! Happy for you!
That is so beautiful that second sentence
My sentiments exactly, same!
Crappy Childhood Fairy is there a reason you are not acknowledging my email or post? If I have offended you in some way I appologize.
I feel the same way!!! This video is a total game changer, in the best way possible!!!
Reading the comments here, I see I have finally found my people. Hello fellow sensitive taumatized people 😊
Hello back atcha! Welcome to the tribe!
Hello
Hi Frannie 🤗
Welcome to the party. Want some 🍿? I knew people here would know my pain. And vice versa.
Man this is spot on!
I have secretly LOVED quarantine because it gave me the perfect excuse to avoid my life. Ugh.
Same!
@@Mauteaches and me.
Me also
Same 😎
well, avoid work and it's forced social elements :)
I’m a covert avoider. I’m so friendly and pleasant but connect with no one. I’m healing from this.
JUST LIKE ME. Very agreable, friendly, nice but feel strained being around people: family, "friends" etc
@@lolaispure4296 we can connect if you’d like!
Everyone likes me but doesnt get what my deal is I think
Hang in there
How are you doing that? I can see now that I am a covert avoider, and I'm also a late diagnosis ADHDr, so I also can get into paralysis/freeze/overwhelm with the neurodivergent aspect, not just the CPTSD aspect. Apart from doing my best to regulate my nervous system, I don't know how to heal this and learn how to have relationships. 🙏🩷
I hate when medical forms ask for an emergency contact. I have none. Yet I also hate superficial conversation, and most people seem to hate deep conversation. So I'd rather be with my pets.
I remember this feeling! Having that person became a heartfelt desire for me, and now this problem is solved!
Abby read what Anna wrote to you...her experience gives us hope.
The fear of my life is if I accidentally let my passport expire and would have to find two people to sign for me.....
You took the words right out of my mouth. I find chit chat and small talk excruciating. I get excited and feel actually physically good and energized when talking with someone about something deep or intellectual. Like quantum physics or philosophy.
Yup
Avoidance happens as a result of not wanting to say or do the wrong thing... the thing that triggers another person to yell and cuss at you, because getting yelled at is just horrible. So yes, we avoid taking that chance.
This is my life 😑
I started pushing through the feeling of avoidance and it made it so much much much worse. I want to make friends but the fear is now worse after repeated bad experiences with people being downright rude over&over after ignoring my avoidance triggers. For example people not saying Hi back to me. People not smiling back and just scowling. People saying rude things to my face.
THIS
Needed to hear this, thank you SO much for your insight!! For me it was the fear of being criticized and judged, more often than anything. Grew up feeling less than, minimized and marginalized to the degree that I would actually, physically whenever I was in a social situation, place myself literally on the edge or on the perimeter of things.
Feel ya I used too be that guy like your motorcycle your tat ya know just talk ...the last 10 years I'm gay I'm wierd I'm not from here I'm not gay no I'm not your just wierd ....yeah and most you are complacent morons go watch another marvel movie ......
"Sorry I'm late...I didn't want to come."
LOL!
Yep
What you realllyy wanna say deep down lol
@@lydieuhh literally what I actually say ;)
@@CaptainAMAZINGGG ballsy... I like it.
Sometimes hell is other people.
Truth. But only sometimes!
That's very similar to Jon Paul Sartre famous line.
@@te9591 it doesn't matter if people find comfort in quotes or came up with the thought themselves and later stumble upon the same thought expressed by kindred spirits (long dead poets or writers). the essential is to remember; life would be so much easier if all kindred spirits found each other. on that note; christopher is my brother.
Amen! As i do the daily practice i am triggered less, though, which is a huge improvement.
@@te9591 Yep.
I grew up with two very different personalities. One at home and one in public. We were coached. All abusive families have secrets. We're good at keeping secrets and covering up the abuse.
Yep. So true. Wishing you healing
@@SharpPear thank you
I very much relate.
Don't believe your own thoughts. Every time I find myself dreading a social situation, or going to work, or doing ANYTHING, I remind myself of all the times those thoughts turned out to be lies. I almost cancelled a first date one time with the most wonderful lady that became the love of my life over 7 years ago. The less we do, the less we want to do, until all we can do is nothing.
thx for this. First and last sentences, i am writing them down! They are very inspiring. My first step is trying to remind myself that the depressed thoughts are not real. My brain can easily self sabotage. That I find is also the most difficult. I believe the sad stuff easily. I also joined a 12 step program recently. They have online/zoom meetings now. I find committing to one or two meetings a week is a start.
i lost the love of my life due to avoidant behaviours, hesitation. nothing can make up for it. after 9 years its just as raw. holiday season makes it even worse.
@@FifiAllia thank you! 🙇♂️
Thank you so much.
I guess that's why I'm single.
When you realize you've adapted to the point where your avoidant numbing functions are you watching videos talking about your avoidant numbing functions..
LOL. The irony of all this being on KZhead hasn't escaped me!
ROFL - hello my dear friend :)
HAHAHHA ME
😂😂😂👍 Or indeed by using humor to stop people seeing the real you! 😉😊
Galaxy mind.
I can’t believe the sheer number of people who are also dealing with this. I felt so alone and like something was wrong with me. I thought I was just broken and couldn’t be fixed.
Same. I'm a Gen-Xer, and always felt disconnected from "where I should be at this point in life". 😔💔
I so agree. Every word she says resonates..that is how I feel all the time. I m always in place of fear.
Me too.. I just wrote the same thing. I thought I was broken and just was a difficult person to get along with.. even though I have great friends 🤷🏻♀️ it’s nice knowing that I’m not the only one
ikr
i can totally relate. I thought how i was feeling and going through life were just because “classes are stressful”. this video literally puts how i have been feeling for too long into words.
All you youngers - youngers than my 60 years! - listen to this and take heed. I'm so glad that trauma informed therapists exist now, though I am perplexed as to why it's taken quite as long as it has, because so much of my life, skills & talents were wasted. The Crappy Childhood Fairy is spot on - it will destroy your health if it goes on and on. A crappy childhood can make you feel worthless, insignificant, not a priority. Non of that is true, you have just as much need and just as much right as any other human on the planet. I'm grateful that I managed to learn enough in time for me to be able to use my adverse childhood to help other children deal with theirs (in the gentle surroundings of a beautiful woodland camp). But I could have done so much more if I had known more earlier. After many further traumas and dramas I now live peacefully, alone, surrounded by nature and in a place I feel safe - with very poor health and unable to work, I am worn out. I have a small handful of friends who I am so grateful for (especially in the last 12 months!) , but there have been so many in the past that I have given much to - yet never managed to make the genuine connections that I saw others make with ease. Wishing you all fair weather and prevailing winds on your journeys. Be brave! You are strong, you are worthy.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us!
I am so glad that we have the internet and all this new trauma information! I am 20 and just found out that my entire life was not normal and that’s where my problems stem from. I am so glad that I have the possibility to get to the root of the problem faster than generations before me, and that breaks my heart…
@@user-sg5tr6jt3y When I was a little older than you I read a Native American fable that stuck with me. About each of us being born with two wolves inside of us, one calm and happy, the other agitated and angry. As we grow they're constantly fighting for control. They circle and nip at each other, sometimes having serious fights and the one that wins determines our futures. When asked which wolf wins the narrator replies, "The one you *choose* to feed". It clicked for me. Inside me I felt my wolves were 'Light' and 'Dark', and though family members pulled me to and fro between them, the general trend was more towards the unhappy, often scary, dark. I decided I wanted The Light. So whenever necessary I thought of myself as Reaching For The Light. Not a spiritual thing, definitely nothing religious about it. Just a need to find a way for my life to be something lighter, more wholesome. Lots of trips in the shadows of course, but I reached something incredibly pure and learned what joy felt like. Happy your journey is going to be much better resourced and, hopefully, massively less lonely! ❤️
@@littlewoodimp Wow. The light & dark wolves, and the one you feed is a great metaphor (or analogy). It speaks the point more clearly and realistically than some expert advice.
We ❤ you littlewoodimp *hugs
I have been diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder but I’m super good at faking being normal and friendly on the surface. Then I have no real friends and no one knows me. I think this video describes me really well. Thank you for this and being so spot on about everything!
Thanks for listening and sharing with us!
I have this diagnosis too, and it is the same for me.
Three people in my life have Avoidant pd. I've been around the condition 41 years. This is just my opinion i'm not a doctor. Two of the people are family one is a best friend. The most important help is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This isn't optional if you ever want a successful long term romantic relationship. It should have emphasis on Exposure Therapy related to socialization and new life experiences. This imo is the bare minimum. I have done 6 years therapy for my conditions (disassociation, adhd, ocd, codependency, cptsd and others). I could talk to this at length. If the goal is long term romantic relationships there are three more suggestions I have: Go to gym 3 to 5 days a week Listen to as many self help cds as you can related to dating and socializing Find someone you really trust to talk about socialization situations.
of course no one knows us because we only show them what we think they want to see
Sounds good to me. No one can hurt you.
“People cause us stress.” Yes they do.
ABSOLUTELY, the most stressful part of my life, bar none!
Its funny because close relationships are the thing I've always wanted most, but people and their presence stresses me out on an intrinsic level. It makes me feel so confused and irritated and unable to figure out how to make life worth living.
We think they do. But the stress comes from us. That's part of what we need to learn.
@@trudyfox938 When did I ever say anything remotely close to what you're implying? Take my comment in the context of the video... you know, the video you commented on. Was she talking about avoiding people who yell at you, or was she talking about avoiding good people that you could connect with but choose not to? Goodness gracious.
@@chloem.872 stop trying to justify your statement “But the stress comes from us.” Children are exposed to the types of behaviour I stated that cause CPTSD! Don’t victimise the victims, as though they chose to feel wounded in response to unfair inflicted verbal and physical abuse by their ‘carers.’
When COVID arrived I was truly relieved. Perfect out...............
Funny u should say that covid almost did not change my lifestyle at all. Ur comment made me realize that.
@@normgivens6349 mine either.
Oh my goodness...mine either! Other than wearing a mask out & about! Moving out of our present state...have had some friends state how much they are going to miss me/my family. The majority....I only hear from when they need help ( thus I see them in person) otherwise our friendship is via phone...thus in my head I think...not much will change....
I'm an outgoing likable bartender, people say "You are always so happy". Staying home and not talking or entertaining has been such a relief, I understand completely. Had no idea why I was late all the time, even when I would start an hour or two early! I swore I must have slipped into the Twilight zone 😳
Agree....I was like did they say quarantine? Yesssss.....
I think it it worth mentioning that some places are filled with toxic gossipy people who are not really good people, but rather are obsessed with their status and are looking for someone on whom to exercise their desire for power. In some places this becomes the dominant culture.
That is true, but we always keep the focus on ourselves so we can heal regardless of anything, including a gossipy work culture.
I LOVE to be alone and don't feel bad about it❗
That is alright. I will come to you anyway, be it in the hospital or, very late, on your deathbed. Alone is alone.
Can I just say that Covid ("social distancing") has been a blessing for those of us dealing with this?
Exactly, it’s like we don’t need to make excuses any more for isolating
Sadly yes
It was at the beginning, but now 10 months in and having not worked as I was working in events the isolation is killing me and now the thought of meeting people gives me so much anxiety I don’t know whether to do it and so the cycle continues 😪
@@lololo1670 I was feeling the same way, and I recently started working again...it had been years for me, and I actually responded very well to being around people again. I thought it would be really anxiety making, but the opposite has happened. I don't know if it's because I clicked with this woman and her 2 children, or maybe I'm feeling useful again, I don't know. My hope for you is that you will try it, and hopefully surprise yourself like I did. Wishing you all the best!
Not for me, my support group won't so zoom meeting. I asked several to meet me for coffee outdoors. Very sad right now
As a kid I could make friends at the drop of a dime. For the past 20 years I've lost everyone. My phone only rings now from my vehicles extended warranty expiring.. 🤷🏼♀️
Ouch, that is hard. Welcome to the community, a lot of us have had to lose a lot of friendships to be motivated to get help. More resources available on Anna's website crappychildhoodfairy.com/ Welcome! -Cara@TeamFairy
Me too. Until I was 12 I was always near the center of a large group. I don't even get these scammer calls that people complain about.
We were never taught how to take care of our own needs. It was all pleasing others so we could keep chaos/pain at a minimum. We are all worthy of love, learn to give it to yourself to start. 😘
Part of my journey of healing avoidance has been to make covert avoidance, overt. To “own” my avoidance in a sense, and to minimize my shame around it. So instead of trying to hide my discomfort I will simply say “I feel uncomfortable right now” or “I don’t feel like chatting right now” or “I don’t really know how to respond to that” or “I’m starting to feel overwhelmed for some reason” etc Most of the time people respond really well because everyone can relate to that feeling in some way
That's really helpful. Thank you for sharing.
Yes agreed, thank you for sharing this! It's really helpful to have some words to say so others can at least understand why I am acting a certain way, or leaving etc. Thank you!!
Wow! So helpful! Thank you💗
Most people. I have a family member who was sexually abused by her brother. She did not like male landlords trying to come into her apartment, although, she didn't realise at the time that it was directly associated with being sexually abused. One time, her landlord was trying to enter without notice, she tried to push him out but he was 600lbs pushing against her. She grabbed the first thing she could and tried to jab it at him. He called the police and she was arrested because 'he FELT threatened'. During the incident her arm was broken. Neither the police nor the landlord took responsibility for that. Instead, the police 'sectioned' her and she spent 5 months in a mental wing. I was shocked to find out that she was never offered therapy throughout that time. I truly believe if she had received proper therapy she could have worked through her trauma. I am still really angry at how she was treated by these men and the system. It really makes me sick. She died last year of cancer.
@@LisaMaryification Gosh that's really sad.. Condolences to you for the loss of her & all she went through xx
Geez you’re good. Being late, being behind the scenes, not having friends, avoiding socializing. You are so good.
My trauma came from a crappy first marriage coupled with being in a helping field for 38 years. As if it wasn't challenging enough handling emotionally injured clients, my co-workers saved all their tolerance for clients & were insensitive to one another in the workplace. I avoided the get togethers as best as I could to protect myself. This helped on the surface but injured me inside. My co-workers were NOT friends; I learned the hard way that anything shared was repeated. So in self preservation, I became the essence of this video's subject matter. I was able to retire early (whew) and left in good standing professionally. Now, I am working on overt healings techniques. Just found this channel☺
@Dennis Rue Thank you for this helpful reply Dennis. I appreciated it more than you know.
@Dennis Rue I find myself to be in the place of co dependancy now. I wish I had recognized it earlier. ReParenting is something I still have to learn. But it is very helpful. Wish you a successful journey in your healing process 🙏😉🤗
@@deeb8733 That's such a good point. Those in the caring professions are probably the least sympathetic towards colleagues and often have problems of their own. Thank you for pointing that out.
A lot of people that do not know how to connect emotionally with others, to create rapport: mirror words, mirror gestures, appropriate eye contact.
I didn't hear you talk about how severe abuse and neglect with dysfunctional f@ck-up parents leaves people without normal social skills and leads to people reject you because you're weird. I spent years trying to make friends but being rejected because I say or do weird things. Then I spent years trying to fit in and not being who I am. I have found very few normal people worth my time. I appreciate the talk on dysregulation, but I'd rather keep avoiding most people, relationships are too stressful.
Look, in the current century, there really ARE a lot of horrible people around. Never forget, Derek Chauvin had a wife, and a crew who would cover for him. (Let that one sink in.) But I agree that it is up to us to find good people. They do exist, and they will like us! They want to be found. They are lonely sometimes, too.
HELLO FRIEND !!! 👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋
It sounds like you might be a "targeted individual." Look it up. I know because I am one. There are psychopathic groups of people who take delight in ruining other people's lives. They are part of secret societies like the freemasons who require you to "curse" someone when you join. Sororities and fraternities have this as well, though I am not sure itnis required. In my case, my brother was always jealous of me, his little sister, and not only bullied me my whole childhood, but when he joined the freemasons, he put me on the cursed list. They will whisper to your friends, boyfriends, coworkers amd bosses things to try to ruin your reputation. Then all of a sudden, things go south with the friends, jobs etc, and you're left wondering what went wrong, thinking you must be "weird" or something, when it's really a slander campaign against you by a group of psychopaths and sociopaths.
@@rubytuesday7653 the few times I've moved, I will notice a car with a Freemason license. Currently there's one in my neighborhood. I'll always notice it too and my fiancé doesn't until I point it out. One of my exs was one too, and I dated several guys in fraternities. My 20s were a nightmare. I guess I was a targeted person. But I'm back to my Christian faith and noticed things changing for the better even though I'm still dealing with the covert avoidance still. This is 😨
Holy cow I had no idea this had a name. I just thought I was a functioning introverted anxietic person.. but this makes a lot more sense
I told a therapist a few years ago my life was like a doughnut -- along the ring I was a successful journalist, open-mike performer, self-published author, clever one-liner specialist, and public speaker. In the center of my identity was a hole. I was lonely, unfulfilled and had made the mistake of thinking all those outer ring skills could enable me to connect with people. I stayed in that hole because it was safe. I did not realize I was staying safe from the chance of being abandoned, but that's exactly what I was doing.
Wow, thanks for sharing.. that really resonates. I did much the same for many years - worked as a journo keeping myself busy; feeling like I was of value by writing about other people's lives & the plight of the world lol.. i travelled the globe, was the life & soul of (too many) parties, had dramatic relationships, good friendships etc, but inside I had a similar hole to yours - the void, i call it. Everything in my outside world was a prop & a distraction from that. Until my late 30s an emo abusive relationship & pregnancy that became a miscarriage blew me to smithereens & collapsed my entire life. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD & forced onto a healing path; pushed face down into my wounds, my void, my fears of abandonment, my grief & hurt from many lifetime traumas - all the things I'd been running from and avoiding looking at, feeling & facing And since then, slowly but surely, I've done ALOT of healing & now work with other people doing healing work. I'm not totally out of the woods & free of avoidance; but the place i return to inside myself now isn't a horrible dark hole or void full of scary ghosts - it's a safe, secure & loving home, where I've turned the lights on and lit a fire :)) I wish you well on your journey. X
The center of every person's personality is a hole, jump in and figure it out from there
I have classic avoidance and I definitely dream of being able to live a life like you do. I don't want people to connect with my current life. My day to day goal is to avoid being too bored or depressed.
@@Findoza Sounds like we've been down some similar paths, both the good and bad ones. Great to hear from you. Take care!
Beautifully said.. same here.. i speak infront of board members with no fear, sing infront of 500 church people weekly, just me and the organist, was a professional ballet dancer. But its acting i know how to wow the crowd big or small. I have no fear and no feelings either way. I am alone truly. In my mind no one can enter
Covert avoidance is a deeply ingrained coping mechanism I find really hard to surrender, it keeps me safe from triggers and meeting certain personalities I struggle with. I don't have a career, girlfriend, social life and I'm in my mid 40s. I really don't like and love myself, the wounded inner child is sub consciously pulling my strings to keep me safe from any more wounds. Thanks for mentioning dysregulation disorder, although my temper seems to be more inwards rather than outwards.
Thanks for sharing this experience. As you find methods to heal, please come back and share that too!
I can totally relate. My body/mind has done a great job helping me avoid any risky situation. These videos are helping me make small changes to improve, but it definitely feels more challenging to do this as an older adult who has deeply ingrained habits now. Keep at it afx777, you got this!
same. It is the inner monologue/ that no one can see and that i can't explain. I get lost in it, and on the outside people think I'm being cool and aloof and apathetic towards them, when I am just trying to hold on to some kind of center I can't quite find or can't even just let go of. I stopped dating a decade or so ago. Every relationship felt like being attacked and I would just mentally/physically freeze and that made me seem more aloof and apathetic to partners.
@@jmfs3497 yes! I too stopped dating, it's been 5 years now. I am just over the pain, the hurt, and to be real the violence that came from just wanting to find someone special. I obviously still have some work to do, but I absolutely understand where you're coming from!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I got remarkable help from a 12 step group which has pamphlets about, for example, "anorexia: sexual, social, & emotional". I didn't think I would relate but it has helped me get on and stay on a journey toward self care, love, and acceptance. And healthier relationships.
All I can say is when this pandemic is over it’s gonna be devastating. I like not going anywhere and being able to hide behind a mask.
You have a lot of relatedness on this channel :) -Cara@TeamFairy
It'll be okay friend. We all understand! I still wear my mask for comfort. You can still mask if it brings you a bit of comfort. I wear hats too. Try it. Strangely helped me when out and about.
Oh, wow. This is exactly what my late sister did -- I was the scapegoat of a narcissistic mother and enabling father -- my sister worked hard to "hold herself apart" from others -- she succeeded in her career, but she "drank the kool-aid" of the family and rejected me -- and I fear that she did not have hardly any real friends in her life and no romantic connections. Sadly, she passed away from cancer at the age of 59 just two years ago. I kept trying to tell her in the very few personal encounters that we had that she had shut her emotional life down so much that she was shutting herself out of her life. Of course, she did not listen to me, the "bad" one in the family. The most tragic is that she killed her musical ability and missed out on that. Yes, "avoidance leaves you alone."
Sadly, it does. And hardly any will find or be empowered to use the tools to heal. At Crappy Childhood Fairy, I know I'm the lucky one! -Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy are you saying that despite us being here looking at the videos and tools, most of us still won’t heal? The funny thing is when I read the comments I tell myself this and vow to not just be someone who wants to vent. I need to change. I want to heal.
@@Thestarrwashington there's hope for all of us ❤️ we just have to learn to be awesome parents to ourselves 🌹
It was the best she could do at the time.
I have felt that childhood trauma often feels like 3rd degree burns. The healing is long, painful and never ending. It just never ends because the scars are permanent no matter the endless "surgeries".
Listening to this, as i sit in my van, in the middle of the desert, eating chicken tenders and salsa.
😉 yes, this...
There's intenet in the desert?
Yummy.
Sounds glorious. I'm jealous.
K.CHAN.... YOU MADE ME GIGGLE..YOU SHOULD COME TO OZZ THERE ARE SOME GREAT DESSERTS HERE THAT YOU ....CAN GET LOST IN.....FIREVER...MAYBE WE CAN CATCH UP ...IN A DESERT SOMEWHERE AND DEBATE THE MEANING OF LIFE...UNDER THE SOUTHERN CROSS....WHEN I GO OUTSIDE TONITE AND LOOK UP I WILL THINK OF YOU....CHEERS FROM OZZ.....
I can't even make superficial friends.
Me either Beth. Its difficult for me
The last four years, due to an abusive ongoing family situation, auto trouble and THIS, I have spent much time walking long distances by myself because of the contempt and unkindness of others, who THINK they KNOW what the problem is! I got so fed up with that and the constant rejection and disregard for my health and well being, that I became hardened and notorious, refusing to be victimized, as a lone female! I accepted few rides; but was gracious for the few genuinely helpful people, male or female, and have always offered dollar bills for gas...their choice on whether to accept the money or not. I still am refusing to put myself out there as dating available because of the ganip/ganop effect of: who I may like, NEVER likes me back and who likes me, I am unable to reciprocate such a like back, even though I may love them compassionately as a fellow living being??! I have decided a long time ago, that I am DONE with rejection! I am just not sure WHEN it may be done with ME!!?
Join the club!
I can't believe I asked to pay someone in 7th grade 25 cents if she would be my friend. Sad. I befriended a very poor girl in jr high who wore the same oversized dress 3 days a week, old shoes, and was mocked by the school kids every day at lunch just because she was very poor. When she sat down at a lunch table, all the kids would get up and leave and go to another table. I felt sad for her so I started sitting with her at lunch. It was just the two of us at a long picnic table.
I have been at the extreme of social isolation, often in my 63 years. My response is: superficial time for superficial people, friends are gems developed over time:
Asthma, back pain, migraines, and autoimmune disorders? Sister, you are singing my song, or at least speaking into a significant part of my story (although I healed the migraines with hemp oil). Wow, as a retired social worker/therapist who is now a circle and group facilitator with tons of credentials, training, and experience, I'm amazed at your ingenuity. You are a true autodidactic, my dear! Is it weird to say I'm proud of you when we haven't even met? What I'm really doing is celebrating your success on your healing journey and that you've turned around to help others. I do that too and it is so deeply fulfilling. I feel your passion and I'm grateful to have stumbled upon you at just the right time.
Thank you, so glad you stumbled on this channel. Welcome!
I'm homeless. A sad wandering child I suppose. Violent narcissist family gave me cptsd. I just found this channel. Thank you
Yes...sad wandering child of 51 here to. Luckily I just got an appartment 2 months ago. Found a third shift job as to avoid people. Now I just have to keep it.
@@jackiejames3898 congratulations for getting your own place and new job! I'm so happy for you, and thank you for giving me some hope for myself. Blessings and new year tidings to you!
Happy New Year to you too Auditory Buffet. Empaths are needed on Earth more now then ever🌟
Sad, lost and lonely wandering child of 44 here. Extremely narcissistic and manipulative mother did it to me.
Wishing all my fellow friends here healing. I think it's safe to say we all have wounds if not scars from our past.
I avoid being retraumatuzed and abandoned.
Even though I try to make friends or appear normal, when a person triggers my abandonment pain or judges me harshly (I never feel like I fit in), I reject them before they reject me. I stay alone.
Exactly
me too :(
@@cmmndrblu yes I relate. as soon as I start feeling closer now it activates my abandonment issues. my dad started this at 1 yo. it's almost like instinct.
I abandon people so they can't abandon me first.
Some people enjoy being alone. People are taxing. Many enjoy solitude. Empaths are loners who are very spiritual beings who just don’t fit in to the “everyone needs people” mantra.
That wd be me!
Could be simply an introvert vs extrovert
I’m introverted but want more people in my life and reaching out to smart successful people and many are loners themselves and really annoying!
Amen!
I think the aloneness allows us to think more from a perspective outside the box of things. Then when we do have interaction it usually gets old because of the memory being repeatedly thought of. Constantly thinking of ways to make situations better in a world where most things are already thought for us limits our options to simply retreating. Why partake in a world that doesn't partake to you? I'm still waiting to figure that out 🗿😑
I'm just exhausted from all of the experiences of motherhood, work, school, family, friends, and relationships, major car accident....rushing here, there, and everywhere while healing. I feel as if I need atleast one month of rest and relaxation on a beach or in the mountains.
Yes, life itself is exhausting. I too would like a long break from it all. I've thought about taking FMLa or something
By all means, try to take a month off from everything, or 2 weeks or just a week. You owe it to yourself. Love yourself
Yesssss! Four kids over here. Totally understand that
It angers me so many of us bear wounds for being exposed to malignant narcissistic and other toxic selfish parents. I'm still at the "how could she" phase, and I'm surely not reading to forgive my family for either just standing by, or even actively enable her gaslighting
Most of us have been there and felt that way. That is a normal and healthy reaction. However, you will very likely notice some time, that this kind of thinking does not help you to heal. They have their own wounds and never treated them in any way. Instead, the let out any anger on everyone around them. Please ask yourself, what this kind of thinking is doing good for you. Eventually, you will let go of it, beacause the one thing that really matters is you! Look at yourself, not the others. You can only heal yourself. By blaming others (constantly) you do the exact same thing, your parents, mother or father did. Be nice to yourself. Wish you well.
@@devilcat7991 blaming others? Are you drunk? Or a toxic parent frustrated by their "ungrateful spawn"?
@@castrinecubique983 wow, so full of kindness...I don't know what you read, but it cannot possible have been my text. Blamegaming is a thing for you it seems...you are this and that...wow wow wow. Better read my text again, without the finger pointing thing...
@@devilcat7991 i completely understand the drive and motives for the blaming. But victims spend thier whole lives not even being able to comprehend such a duplicitous and evil mind of an abuser who is just laughing at you and making a mockery of you all your childhood years. Debilitating your self worth. Gaslighting a failed fat loser with no friends narrative so much, the victims whole development is impaired leaving them not only trauma bonded to that narcissist but with completely destroyed boundries, making them walk right into the hands of other narcissists, for as long as they are unaware of the manipulation, subconciously they have no idea what is happening only that they will do and act whatever way necessary to the abuser to get them to validate them or stop manipulating thier lives. A lifetime of being rattled and shaken, made to look hypersensivie but triggered over and over in front of relationship partners, job oppourtunities every crucial juncture of life, systematically dismantled by an abuser, to thier die hard loyal, trauma bonded victim. And some how, we need to stop blaming them and have pity? They are extremely successful in life as manipulators, nobody will even cross them or listen to the victims. When the victim speaks out, the will be called a drug addict, paranoid, send them back to the nut house, anything and everything to destroy whats left of thier credibility.
Your videos are always the gentle slap in the face that I didn’t know I needed. They are often painful to watch, but a slapped cheek typically stings. It’s not unexpected, but it is definitely needed. Plus you are very tactful and empathetic in your delivery. It’s never too painful to watch, and I appreciate that.
“I’m the long run, avoidance leaves you alone.” I definitely agree and can resonate with this.
I am so grateful to be in therapy and have access to these videos. I’m learning that I’ve lived my entire life in avoidance because of my childhood trauma that never allowed me to trust anyone deeply and the times I allowed myself to trust it was broken. It just added to my c-ptsd and caused me to be even more of a hermit. It caused me to stay in unhealthy relationships and just “check out”. I’m sooo happy that Im now at 45 learning about living a healthier loving lifestyle. Trauma runs sooo deep and it has so many layers.
Me too! Very similar circumstances.
What kind of therapist do you have? I am so lost trying to find someone who understands and can really help me. ❤
When you've been abandoned and BETRAYED by every significant relationship in your life, you do cut yourself off and Covid makes it easy. It's incredibly unhealth and yet there's nothing to be done about it.
I hear you. I know this pain, the wounds have never healed
I "TOTALLY" agree....( everyone complaining about 'being alone' ... What ...that's been quite NORMAL for me )
Abandoned, betrayed, and if you have been constantly made out to be the scapegoat, you learn to be so self reliant that when the proverbial shtf (i.e. covid )...you will keep your head about you while everyone else is losing their minds. That's what happened to me..the quarantine showed me who people really are when the chips are down.
@@josephinetyree1476 Once you learn how to be alone..that becomes a superpower. Everyone I knew..the ones who turned their backs on me all lost their minds during the pandemic due to isolation. Hell, after ten years..I was a pro at being alone..so when it happened, I laughed to myself, " I've got this! "
It sounds like you might be a "targeted individual". I am, and have been betrayed by nearly everyone as well. It is a sick aspect of our society born out of the secret societies who require people to "curse" someone in order to join. My brother, who bullied me my whole childhood, cursed me when he joined the freemasons.
As a wise person once said, “check yourself before you wreck yourself”
Lmaooooo sooo true!!!
Indeed
Lol 🤣
O'Shea Jackson
Ali G? lol
Whoa! This was me 15 years ago! Always late for every event, superficial friendships, terrible secret emptiness 😢. It took a huge crisis to begin the process of healing and turning things around. I thank God every day for how amazing my life feels now 💕💕
Crises can be the best thing that ever happened -- agreed!
I can’t wait to be there. 😢😭
I was aware already that I have CPTSD due to my traumatic childhood, but I've been trying to heal from random (That I know is all connected) things separately, like... Romantic relationships, struggles in workplace, social anxiety and I learned plenty of things but didn't feel an actual change in my behaviors and fears, I felt stuck with too much information but none effective tools to heal Then I decided was time to take a more deep look into cptsd yesterday and found your channel and realized that if I focus on heal from this I will be healing from all the other issues I mentioned above Thank you so much for this amount of valuable information
Welcome! There is even more to check out at www.crappychildhoodfairy.com -Cara@TeamFairy
I seem okay on the outside but feel so lonely on the inside! I also knew my childhood PTSD was an issue but never faced it head on. This is why I couldn't get a single relationship to last. Always alone, get up, get the job done, then just sit at home alone.
We hope you'll feel encouraged to face it now- we are here for you bit.ly/2rukHvh -Cara@TeamFairy
This video definitely resonated with me. Ever since I was in my mid-20s (I’m now 46), I’ve felt out-of-step with my own species. Disconnected from everyone. An anomaly even among my closest friends. I went to therapy in my 20s, 30s, and 40s and took medication for ADHD and anxiety, which was somewhat helpful, but only on a surface level. Fast forward to this year. I discovered your YT channel and the concept of childhood emotional neglect. Everything started to make sense. I recently learned from my mother that when I was a very young boy, I was withdrawn, even when I was with my friends. She said that I did things that no other kid would do, yet she did nothing about it because she felt she knew nothing about being a parent. At the beginning of this year I found the book Complex PTSD by Pete Walker. I read the book in less than a week and it was like reading my autobiography. I then started looking for a CPTSD therapist and eventually was lead to Marisa Peer, who created RTT (Rapid Transformation Therapy). I started working with an RTT therapist over the course of a month and I could not believe how well it worked; it was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders after just the first session. After three sessions I was done. I feel much more in tune with the here-and-now and ruminate about my past a lot less. Nowadays I’m a struggling entrepreneur in survival mode and realizing that healing is a practice, not a destination. Thank you for your teachings, they are superb.
I just looked up RTT yesterday! May I ask how much your sessions were? I only found the price to become an RTT therapist & it was something like $7,000 so I stopped looking into it. But this is the second time I've seen RTT mentioned in 2 days after never hearing about it before.
@@asiabear6787 three sessions cost me $1,000 and they were spread out over a month
@@JCA51698 TY!
Reading your comment & watching this video has me terrified & happy at the same time. I’m 33, married to someone amazing, have 2 amazing kids, but have been misdiagnosed for almost 20 years. I’ve been watching this channel for just a few days and for the first time in my life, I’m learning that it is not all of these psychological & physical disorders I’ve been suffering from. I’m not crazy & there are people that understand this! All I can do is cry right now. I thank you both. I’m looking forward to learning more. 🖤
Love your comment that healing is a practice, not a destination. Spot on.
I had and still have no one. When my son was born I called a taxi and took him home by myself. I want to change.
I am also like that. Don’t let anyone in. It seems such an emotional drain.
Love your name plus you are a mom and willing to change so you can only go up from here!
I am so sorry to hear that, you seem like a very courageous and strong individual. I am glad to see that you want to make change and that you are here watching this video to help. It can be very hard building relationships more so now than ever. If you need someone to talk to I'll be here for support or encouragement or just to listen, I know its public but you shouldnt have to go through this life alone. How old is your son? My daughter is 1 year and 5months
@@jesspz3780 Thank you for your kind comments. My son is 26 now. I wasn't brave, just too terrified to share my life with someone. Too full of self-hate to care for myself. Best wishes to you and your daughter.
Oh Sadie, your comment made me choke up. I don’t mean that in a pity way just that you made me feel for you. You must be an amazingly strong person to have done all that on your own.
I was on lockdown, social distancing and self isolation long before co vid! But felt like I was slowly dying inside, even though I've been described as bubbly & friendly. Thanks for this video - I didn't know so many others felt this way. I'm now tired of living on a desert island by myself & want to change.
Wonderful, glad you're here. There are many healing tools crappychildhoodfairy.com/ -Cara@TeamFairy
Me too. Painted myself into a corner. Think one of my daughter's does it too. It has been a car crash. Ways to go to fix it. 😢
The pandemic has given me an excuse to hide out and I actually love it. I have to consciously make a decision to go out and do something. I am working on it. I started a volunteer job last week that I like.
Volunteer jobs have given me purpose when I felt useless many times! -Cara@TeamFairy
I secretly miss the lockdowns
My avoidance isn’t even covert. I got there after having an illness that shut me in for awhile. I know it sounds surface, but I lost weight, got a new wardrobe and started smiling more to assist with all the CPTSD work I was doing. Small steps everyone.
Glad you're doing better!
Those things can be wonderful. Good for you.
I am a rock; I am an i-i-is-land.
I think you sang this for another video last year. LOL. Great song. We should sing it together some day when we meet!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I follow your videos and philosophies closely, and have for a few seasons now as I make my way through the realizations of my 50's. Through the mysteries of the universe, three new sayings have made their way to me within the last week. The first is sort of observationally funny: What doesn't kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humour. The second is much more serious: The tragedy of life is not death; rather, it is the things we let die inside us while we live. (This is a quote from journalist Norman Cousins, who I am in the process of discovering.) The third is a progression of the second: What doesn't kill us, makes us wish it would. Gay men have had a reputation of being promiscuous (which pales now in the age of sexual cell phone app hook ups that all genders seem to be participating in... those Millennials!) But, after a lifetime of being continually assaulted by schoolmates and parents, and having your hopes and dreams of love mocked and derided and dismissed while the marriages and subsequent divorces of your siblings are supported, I realize that many gay men are so damaged that anonymous or at least meaningless sex is really all they are capable of. I earned enough money to buy my own plot of land and literal safe house... where I live alone and out of earshot from the taunts. My house is a place where no one hits me, where no one snorts in disgust at my mere existence. I now watch as the man who smashed my face in when I came out at 17 ages and becomes feeble... which is not as satisfying as the adolescent in me once thought it might be. I just keep breathing, keep observing and find myself waiting for it all to simply be over. I realize that I died many years ago, and didn't have the sense to just lie down.
@Tats I'm on a farm. I have lots of four-legged love.
A rock feels no pain, and an island never cries....
@Tats Emotional support and nutrition from one source. How can I go wrong?
I'm disregulated to the point of suicidal impulses destroying my life. Grateful KZhead suggested this video. I'm a subscriber now ready to overcome my CPTSD. Thank you for your service!
I've opened myself up and gotten dismissive and bad advice often.
I run my own business, and when i become disregulated, I avoid clients; billing becomes an anxiety ridden nightmare and dealing with people in general becomes such a trial. Hiding from life as soon as I come home by smoking weed and drinking. Realizing how far away from my life Ive drifted, and how there is no direction. Letting myself get buried in debt. Your videos have really brought to light what my issues are. Thank you for passing along this knowledge!
Drugs and alcohol will make it worse!!!
I can completely identify with your story. Thank you for sharing.
Up until watching this I thought I just had social anxiety. But now...I'm really wondering whether it's a deeper issue than just feeling anxious in social settings. I don't relate to the childhood neglect side though, I think I had a decent childhood. I have a very hard time in general letting relationships enter into a deeper level then just superficial niceties. I thought this was a social anxiety thing until watching this. It may actually be me subconsciously protecting myself from being vulnerable to others so I will not be ridiculed and rejected like I was in my youth (toxic teen friends). I feel like all my friends are fake and that relationships aren't really real a lot because hardly any of my friends I feel I can have a genuine vulnerable conversation with but I'm the one refusing to offer any level of vulnerability to them. I steer away from any conversation that leans in that direction. Even if it turns out covert avoidance is not actually something I have...this video was still extremely enlightening. Thanks for sharing.
You are so kind to your viewers & commenters, thank you. I recently had to rely on my narcissistic parent to drop me off at home after a medical issue; they blew up as we returned & I was so scared. I needed help for 2 weeks after, but I struggled alone because I was afraid of his control over the rest of our family. I'm sorry to unload like that, I'm not looking to drag others down with my problems but it was cathartic to get the words out.
The biggest thing that's helped me, and I've only learned it recently, was learning to tell myself "I am not my emotional flashbacks" (taken from Richard Grannon). Something clicked after repeating that to myself a few times over the course of a day while also cataloging the different emotions I felt throughout a day. The emotional disregulation you describe in your video is exactly how I felt even as a kid with abusive and neglectful parents combined with being bullied a lot, which I think those go hand in hand to some degree but I digress.
In my experience, the only people who are stree-free are the bullies in life.
I have a lovely person in my life who never used to get stressed and never understood why I get floored by it, or go under with depression. She wasn't a bully; she'd simply had a good childhood, always knowing that she was loved and valued. She learned to expect to be treated with respect and never allowed anyone in who did otherwise. When stressful situations occurred, she had the resilience to deal with them and not be defeated. That includes the worst difficulty - bereavement. The menopause changed that. I wish that my good friend still did not understand how stress and depression can affect every facet of your life. I wish that she still didn't know what it's like to lose your confidence and find it hard to cope with everyday tasks. Thankfully, being caused by hormonal changes, this will soon be a memory.
Amen
I disagree. It is an antisocial externalization of negative feelings and stress. People who chronically bully and abuse, or display antisocial behaviors, are most likely to have tons of internal struggles and project it by appearing invulnerable. The exception are psychopaths because their emotions are very numb.
Im never late to any meeting but at home struggle doing daily things that need to get done. I dont know why
@@mikesecor6074 i dont think its lazyness its more depression
@@mikesecor6074 such an ignorant comment. 😖
Perfectionism?
@@Rynynryn yes you are probably right
Same. I am always on time, not early just on time. However, my home is always a mess and I never prepare proper meals
You just diagnosed me, I’ve spent over 50 years not living or experiencing my life (super crappy childhood)
Me too Jeanne, now we have to fix ourselves!
Yep me too 🌈
Yep , and it sucks....
Kind of like not wanting to go to the party but upset if you're not invited Lol
I love her talks, she’s 100 times better than the $100s of dollars I’ve thrown in so call “ counselor “ She puts words fir my feelings and clears my muddy thoughts 👍👍👍
yes!!
If I can make 1000.00 in three hours while investing only 7000 in my education. Versus any other psychiatric/psychology/counseling professions- which are anywhere from 60k to 400k plus, why wouldn’t everyone be doing that? How were you able to pay them 300.00 a session and what to say to those who have tried a lot And are now just scared of throwing out more money and being taken advantage of
@@Irishjay-gu5pb + Some people are truly "called" - she IS!
@@cristinadriviera8144 I couldn't agree more with everything you have said!!! I am truly grateful for people like her who have braved the KZhead platform just because they truly want to help people! I've tried therapy, and noone gets me like she does! That makes me even more interested in taking any classes she offers! :)
Agreed!!!! Life saver
I even feel beautiful and like a person again in times of dysregulation where I felt ugly and so much shame I want to hide
Healing is happening here, everybody!!! Hugs @Morgan_Alexis.
😢 That’s exactly how I want to feel
I feel this too. Thanks for putting it down in words.
You come a long way Morgan you should be proud of yourself, for how many years did you struggle?
Your ride from the hospital story really hit home...I had an abdominal ultrasound recently, and broke down in tears on the table when I realized that if they found something serious that required surgery, nobody would be there to help me. That's a deep, sad feeling. Thanks to your channel, I've been learning to notice my dysregulation and experimenting with ways to get back in balance. Qigong, daily meditation (even if just 5 minutes), and journaling have been immensely helpful. I'm starting to socialize again (cautiously) while continually reminding myself that not all people are bad or mal-intentioned. Thanks so much for your down to earth teachings.
It is a good wake up call that we might wanna start and go into another, better, healthier direction than ever before.
I like being alone I read a lot, work on sportscars, play trumpet (pro musician). In college, I avoided people because I wanted to study. However, I didn't feel alone.
Idk anything about this, honestly, but I had a good family life as an undiagnosed autistic person, and I have CPTSD even though I wasn't "classically" abused. I am extremely avoidant and it's not because of sensory issues (although, that, too.) It's because I've been trained (by societal expectation) to see myself as incompetent. Which I'm not.
Yes -- there are so many similarities (and co-occurences) between CPTSD and ASD. I hope to cover this in the future!
LABELING CHILDREN IS DISTRUCTIVE....IT BEGINS IN MANY ARENAS: HOME EVEN PARENTS CONSTANTLY FINDING FAULT IT AFFECTS THE CHILDREN AS WELL- SOME SIDE WITH THE PARENT AND OTHERS AVOID THE FAMILY, NEIGHBORHOOD CHILDREN, JEALOUS FRIENDS OR SIBLINGS, KINDERGARDEN TO GRADUATION THE LABELING PASSES FROM TEACHER TO TEACHER AND A CHILD RECOGNIZES IT ALL.
Not labelling a child can also be destructive. I knew a child whose parents withheld from him that he had been diagnosed with ASD (ASC) from a young age. The boy could not understand why other people behaved the way they did. He felt lost, confused and apart from everyone else. One day, he accidentally found out. It was a huge revelation, and turned into a positive new start for him. He was able to understand why he felt so different from others around him. He attended one to one sessions with an SEN professional, who helped him to navigate social interactions and understanding others. He got to know and understand himself better, too. From the boy who couldn't mix with other children without getting confused and angry, he became the boy who actively sought out friendships. From a frustrated and disconnected little boy who seemed as if he would never be able to cope independently, he grew into a much happier and more resilient young man, with realistic hopes of college and university. Because he had been labelled and received the appropriate help to achieve his potential.
@@miaschu8175 I've been through similar, but the opposite, all refused to believe I could be because I was assigned female at birth and don't actively display classic signs, but I do have a diagnosis of Asperger's, even if no one can see it. Yet it would help others understand the way I function instead of blaming me for choosing to behave how others don't like... Ah fun
@@lindamahrer1760 this sort of labeling you're talking about is just plain judgement isn't it? Not talking about being autistic in a kind way, but you mean when parents say things like "what's wrong with you, you're a spoiled rotten brat, stop throwing tantrums, why can't you just behave, the kid can't live up to x, the kid refuses belligerently" (when you're actually just having an autistic sensory meltdown)? Yeah that's not helpful for them to say at all
i still remember that one time three years ago when someone looked at me funny .
If it gives you any hope, I used to be like that for decades too but have gotten over it. It is possible to heal.
Omg Me too!!!
🤣🤣🤣🤣 Same! Same!!!!'
I have new neighbors. One day shortly after they moved in, I said “ hello” to them outside. They just looked at me and said nothing in response. Not even a nod. It has been 5 months...I am not over it. I avoid them now at all cost.
I’m so tired of people gaslighting me. My whole family were narcissists and I married another one and his crazy MIL did a number on me
I feel you ❤️
Difficult to deal with, the techniques laid out can help,they helped me :) -Cara@TeamFairy
I'm in a unfulfilling job. I'm scared of living my life without avoidance. I seek to numb myself almost always. I was abused in childhood and I'm still afraid of my family, their cruelty, and what they did to me when I was younger. I now have healthy enough relationships that if I needed someone to pick me up from somewhere I could find someone. I really resonated with that story...But it's almost always my boyfriend, I feel like I can't trust my family, if I really needed them they wouldn't be there for me. I was homeless and my mom was bad mouthing me to my aunt the whole time. She's so selfish. I feel guilty for needling help. Sometimes they show negativey when I'm happy so I hide that. I tend to grey rock all the time, I feel like its not safe to show the real me and stop avoiding. I'm going to heal. Im going to try. Thank you for this video.
You have to lose ties with that family. Breaking up with a toxic family is the first and most needed step in yout life in order to heal. Would you ever be so cruel to your own child as your family is and was with you? I suppose, never ever! If they have not figured out, what a lovely person you are by now, they will never do and they don't care. You can choose your friends, you cannot however choose your family and that means: If they hurt und stll disrespect you, tell your inner child, that you will never ever let them hurt it again. Start to take care and control of your own life. They have messed up their own lifes more than enough. Do not feel sorry for them at all. Feel sorry for yourself for having had such hateful parents. Be kind to yourself and be better to yourself than they could ever be.
When Hate is loud. LOVE must be louder. We who seek can do this.
what is love?
. so far as I know, what I believe, Being present. To me, in one rspect time is love. Love is freedom, choice, acceptance, forgiveness, kindness, fricken Empathy. Consideration, understanding, compassion, love is as complicated as we make it. Everyone copes differently. When we get in where we fit in the things we love are amplified. Happiness shines. Learning to nurture ME, protect me, love me, respect me, accept me... WOW. I'm living it. Not perfect. But growing learning making better choices for myself, yet not a killjoy. Not a hater. No time for that. I'm over wasting time, giving power to things that don't merrit it. Want more? I can go on. That's love.
Your story is me adding many more mental obstructions. Now at 58 I have decided being a recluse is what I may have to accept. That will be easier.
it's never too late...
Me too.
I'm with you. During my last (3rd) crappy marriage, I really tried to step outside the box and have experiences out in the world, etc., but after that broke up and I got cancer. I had to be isolated during treatments, and had a near death experience. I am just so happy and content being alone now I have embraced it. I don't feel lonely and empty inside...I am happy this way. I know it is bad though, because my across the street neighbor called today and told me I never leave my house is there anything I need?? Wow. It must be obvious.
@@toots810usa6 I was a covert avoidance type girl. Now I've become an extreme with complete avoidance disorder. I cannot take anymore heartbreak I just can't. I'll cont...
I’m the same I can’t handle anymore emotional stress of relationships.
Having CPSD means we have to be very careful not to be too open or real with people because we scare them so keep things airy & light, which means you don't develop " real friends"..but also don't avoid people cuz you'll be alone & not have any friends you can depend on? I tend to avoid social situations because I dislike chirpy, BS, meaningless, cocktail conversations....they are SO TEDIOUS. Are the people who can only stomach whipped cream, facade interaction really ever reliable? But going deep and meaningful is off putting...damned if you interact & damned if you don't.
literaly stumbled across this and holy shit this is me
I was called a social butterfly. Not letting anyone too close. Every time I reach out and make a best friend they pull the rug out from under me and betray me. I would like to regulate. I have always felt like some thing was off balance since my parents took my son from me because they were unable to have one. Since childhood I walked on egg shells and kept secrets. I avoid the phone when it rings my anxiety goes up. I used to be late all the time till I learned being late is a form of lying and says that my time is more impotent than yours. This video was eye opening
I see being late as "I have back to back meetings with no breaks and I gotta pee sometime so I was a couple minutes late." I find people who expect people to be on the dot to every meeting to be super uptight. A few minutes grace period seems reasonable to me. People need to chill a bit.
The same symptoms could also be related to a measure of burnout rather than covert avoidance. It is best to discern what is happening.
Crazy, that's pretty much what I had been trying to admit to myself, that maybe I'm just burned out. But I think it just might be a more. I'm a very athletic person, I work on a farm I live on, and I enjoy working...alone. But I walk into my house and I can, now, with open eyes look around at everything that I'm just avoiding...dishes, my laundry, basic necessities in life. They used to be so much easier. I was a housekeeper for 12 years! It's crazy to see how my c-PTSD has touched more areas than I previously thought. I appreciate your saying that about burning out though, I've have worked so much in the past, it wouldn't surprise me if I was just over it to a point. Great insight, thank you!
That’s interesting, I immediately thought of emotional burnout - emotional pain burnout. I just ended a job I’d worked at for many years - and I was not the star employee. I was spending a lot of time and energy on it, but not getting much done. I see this comment as easily applying to the pain of everyday life, when the situation you are in and the people you are surrounded by are causing you too much pain on a regular basis. Only now that it’s over have I been able to really see the importance of my total environment, and how I desperately needed to inhabit a different type of space to really thrive.
True but at times I have used working to much to avoid uncomfortable stuff.
@@redtigerlily8165 Yes! I can admit that I have used work as an avoidance. But at this point in my life it's not the case. Something is definitely different and off. I have been really trying this last couple weeks to get things done, the right way. Lol, not just shoving stuff into closets. And little by little things are getting done. But still I find myself not able to get as much done as I used to. I swear my brain needs a reboot, or something. I take supplements everyday, and make sure to walk almost everyday. I know my labs all say I'm in great shape, so it's something different. I'm hoping to find a good trauma doctor, or at least attempt to try something new. I wish everyone good luck on their journey!
@@w.lester255 , I agree. It could just be emotional burnout from dealing with all types of unstable minded people in childhood or over a long period of time . Some ppl just honestly need a long "mental break". I do not think it's "covert avoidance" all the time. She makes it sound like this is a serious problem when for some ppl it is not...it's just an emotional or mental break. It's kinda like airing out funk, until the funk dissolves out of the air. 😄
Oh my gosh! I had no idea there was a name for the maddening junk of my life. Always asking myself why the things that are so normal for others are so intensely difficult, stressful, and terrifying for me. Disregulated. Yup. I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel when trauma happens...my husband's affair...my son dying...almost dying myself... And then, the mind numbing, scariness, and paralyzing inability to support myself, or take care of myself. I'm in tears. Finally, understood and validated at 57. Are you accepting new clients?
Welcome! So glad you found the channel! We have a membership option for several trainings as well as group coaching intensive (registration just opened) and options for one on one coaching. Link for membership here: bit.ly/3608opl
“Sorry I’m late. I didn’t want to come.” And, when asked to make “fun” plans, I think, “How about...never. Is never good for you?”
I've learned to love being alone. When I was a kid I was very extroverted and wanted to always be with people. After the abuse started I started to have lots of problems being able to keep friends. At that time I still wanted friends and a large social group. Now when I'm out with people I'm counting the seconds until I get to go home and be by myself. I want to be extroverted. I want to have loads of friends and connections. I want to want to go out of my home... but I don't. I don't want to leave my home and I've pushed most people away. I've gotten much better than I once was and I'm much happier now than before but I'm obviously still avoiding and I'm so sick of it. I've done so much work, I just want to be over my cptsd already.
I know what you mean! I hope you'll try my Daily Practice. It's free -- it available on the free tools page of my website. It helps when things are in the way of doing what you want to do
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you. I just got on KZhead specifically for that! I hope you have a wonderful new year.
Funny, I saw somewhere to look back to what you liked to do between 7 and 14. I loved to give parties and would invite all the girls in my class. Then they started complaining about my dad looking down their tops, then dad got very 'friendly' with me one night coming back from driving friends home. So that was that. Now I want to work in or own a youth hostel, which I guess is the easy way out of having a social life. :) I also want all those friends and social life but just don't have the skills, even though I can 'do' charity events, including public speaking. Weird.
Crappy Childhood Fairy 🧚♀️ It is Christmas morning and I feel as though you’ve just given me the greatest gift. I am literally spending Christmas alone today and it has everything to do with Covert Avoidance. This video describes my life, behavior and how I’ve gotten myself into these circumstances at 47. The KZhead algorithm has smiled upon me this day. What is the first thing I must do to stop being a covert avoider? Thank you to everyone who understands.
Hi Adam, the first thing is to go over to my website and learn the Daily Practice. It's a free course, on the Free Tools page.
ADAM..HI.. X..MESS DAY IS JUST ANOTHER DAY.....🤣🤣😁😁😎
I gotchu boo! I love not being around humans lol!!!
80 years old I spend Christmas alone, codependant widow, my children live overseas. Abused from the cradle to the grave, emotionally life is very difficult for me, too late for healing.
@@bellasage1569 Never too late to still keep learning and changing in the process.
So there's a theory that Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria doesn't exist and that it's all CPTSD from the severe struggles that arise from ADHD symptoms. That's neither here nor there, but I think my RSD has, as you said, stunted my development and been a major contributor to my avoidance. I would mess up, under deliver, or struggle and take a really long time on my projects, that I'd either get criticism that hurt deeply, I'd lose respect/credibility (or perceive I did), or get fired. After each time, I lost confidence, would withdraw, and just not only stop trying, but also cut that important passion or skill or ability out of my life. I've lost so much ground to this sense of fear and shame. A lot of covert (and overt) avoidance, and the atrophe of not using those parts of me hurts and colors how I carry myself. I want so bad for that to not plague me. I want to regain my strength, confidence, and freedom of mental mobility again. I need it. I'm going to do it.
It made me feel very sad to read this. I hope you are doing better at this moment.
Holy moly! Penny dropped! I've never been able to figure out why I seem to be invisible sometimes. In social situations like sitting in the pub I seem to drop in and out. Like an internet buffering. I engage with people but I keep disappearing inside myself and let others do the interacting and I step back and mind wander. Then I wonder why I'm never on peoples radar. A friend said to me once, 'you're there but you're not there'. It really hurt. I felt like a non-entity. Now I understand that although I enjoy meeting my friends, I often say to myself 'I can't be bothered'. 'I'm happy putting my feet up in front of the tv'. Then I get hurt that one of them holds a party and I don't get invited. Thank you for this!!! I never knew how much I needed this advice. Time for change. Time to stop holding back.
I've been stuck in this cycle for years- finally going to a therapist and removing the toxic people in my life
CCF, if you're reading this what should I do. I avoid people constantly and have spent the year inside the house, not even ready to come out. I put on a good face and appear incredibly social, but it is pathological. The truth is, I don't like who I become around others because I let other people especially those with good intentions influence me and I lose my own personal compass if I'm not alone. But this is hurting my friends who only see what I allow them to see, while avoiding them.
This is a VERY good question. When you are ready and willing, I suggest you cut off any friends who are a negative influence. They will block you from positive pursuits and meeting good people. If you are using substances, make your sobriety your first priority. I wholeheartedly recommend AA and NA, or Al-Anon for family/friends of alcoholics -- where smart people who have gone before you on the downtrodden path have recovered and turned into bright lights, great souls. They will help you, for free. Whether this is your issue or not, use this strange year of downtime to study moral philosophy. I don't know you so will not get into book lists here but you can learn to be a good person. I try to pass on what I've learned in my videos, so if nothing else, watch lots! Practice not blaming others for your problems (which I don't hear you doing, but we all need to practice), being honest, being useful, and sticking to ordinary good habits of food, exercise, sleep. And then I tell this to everyone: Take my free Daily Practice course. There are a few people who don't respond to it but for thousands here, it's been. powerful healing agent that helps move life forward in good ways. Good luck! Let me know what happens!
Crappy Childhood Fairy Thank you for responding back! I do have an addictive personality and on some level I'm blowing off my friends to "decompress" with food, liquor and the internet. I'll look into your course as well as getting resources for unhealthy coping mechanisms. Hope your channel continues to grow!
relate to this so much, even tho i have no people to call friends
I feel a sense of isolation and loneliness but I never find it unbearable. Unfortunately, the older I get the more emotionally and psychologically autonomous I become. I know it’s not healthy but I actually do prefer being alone. Staying inside too much does make you to get a little bit stir crazy but I find I really need people less and less. I don’t enjoy social gatherings any more and I don’t have the drive or energy to interact with others at all. My tolerance to sit and talk with others is low and I can only take social situations in small doses. If I could be alone all the time I would be. I think my desire to cop out is far more common than uncommon, in others. People who need people are truly healthy, it seems. I sincerely wish I needed people more but the reality is, I don’t.
The idea is that for most of us, we aren't going to be really happy without including some human interaction. There are a lot of suggestions of how to do this very slowly :)
That's me. I got used to this in childhood. I could not change my NPD father, my BPD mother, and I got used to just being "inside". THANK YOU! Whole video is absolutely true and on point.
Thanks for the video. Avoidance is my middle name 🙈. Im a high functioning avoider and spend my days avoiding engaging with people and stressful situations. Need to start healing and stop avoiding.
The timing is really good for that -- someday in the not too distant future we will return from lockdown. We'll probably be VERY weird by that point but it will do us good!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I can relate to your stories coming from a crappy childhood and bad marriage. Time to heal now as life's too short.
I had no idea that my behavior had a name: avoidant personality disorder. I’ll have to look into it. Thank you .
Cptsd symptom has avoidance.
Nowadays there are names for every pathology or disorder, did you grew up with this personality?
Personality disorders are rare and they are kinda a pseudoscience approach to CPTSD
The camera example is such a good one. My dad had an uncle who would bring a videocamera to all the family events and just be shooting all the time, And never talk to anybody. Eventually we all grew to realize that it was his defense mechanism for not socializing at all.
Aside from all the trauma symptoms you explained from like rejection, criticism and being abandoned and more like being taken advantage of due to many of my skill sets like being a mechanic for the most part, now I just hide away and rarely go out let alone like to answer my phone because most of the time whoever is trying to contact me needs my help to do or fix something they have that is broken. So yes, I not try, I just avoid everyone completely. And when I do go out for shopping I try to hurry so as to not run into anyone. And honestly, I would rather my life get to it’s end so I don’t have to live this way. And I don’t have any hope at all. Aloha 🌺
Hopelessness is sometimes just what we need to swing into action...because what do we have to lose? This was my attitude when I started the Daily Practice and that was 12 years ago :) courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/courses/daily-practice -Cara@TeamFairy
@@bighug7359 can you please not use brackets in that way ever again lmao, this was painfully confusing to read
I'm definitely an avoider. As I'm writing this, I'm an hour late, meeting at a relative's house.
When ever I'm at work I walk as fast as I can from A to B so everyone always thinks I'm really busy and just leaves me alone.
Good one! Right up there with clipboard.
Me too!
Looking annoyed and deep sighing a lot also make people think you are very busy and stressed out so they leave you alone!!
Oh my gosh! Thought I’d unveiled most of my defense mechanisms but this one really resonates.
Lol I've done that all my life
I "did it" by having parties at my house and being the hostess with the mostest. I just kept going to the kitchen and bringing the food, refreshing the drinks, clearing the dishes. Never sitting down long. I only sat because I felt like I was being a jerk. So more self judgement and people pleasing. Then up again and running.
That's the most clever ruse isn't' it? The perfect hostess :)
I've read everything from Steve Porges to Bessel Van de Kolk, Adena Bank Lees, Peter Levine, Jonice Webb, and many more, even been in psychotherapy for 3 years but I have not come across a more accurate description of my lived experience yet. Talk therapy was useful for me to break down the family myths ("I'm fine!") and drop the blame/shame cycle, but it only goes so far. It seems you really can't heal unconscious neurological injuries without somatic work. And I have to say the simple writing exercise you've described is a help. Thank you!
Thank you! So glad the writing exercise helps because yes, therapy can be helpful but we need something we can do on our own.
This is me. It’s very perplexing and frustrating. I’ve found myself in a position that I don’t want to talk to anybody or even try to connect with people in my life. I spend a lot of time by myself. I just don’t feel normal. I feel so strange, I’m not entirely sure how to describe it. Being around people just doesn’t seem like an option. So I guess I’m just trying to figure out how I’m going to live the rest of my life like this. It’s like I feel this biological need to be close to people, but it’s not an option for me, and yet I feel it. And so I’m wondering about how I’m going to overcome this feeling and fill my life with other things in life other than people.
Dude. Took the words out my mouth 😭
I have similar issues. I work and live on a farm way out in the middle of nowhere. The only friendly advice I can give you from what I have learned is to try working with animals. I don't know where I would be without them! There's not alot here, but I can walk and go feed the horses whenever I want. Animals don't judge, they love you no matter if you're having a horrible day or not. They just want you to be around them...says the woman who took in 2 kittens 3 years ago. ;) Maybe try getting a pet, I know my cats help me immensely. They know when I'm not in a good place, which is cool and weird at the same time! I hope this has helped. Even a walk in nature helps too. Sorry if this came off super cheesy, just wanted to help anyway I could. Good luck with everything!!!
@@curiouscat3384 🌻🐶🐾🌹🕯🎅🎄🐕🐾🥁🌿 You just described me and my life perfectly.
@@curiouscat3384 well its not good to shake off friends or Lovers wen u r done with them. That is using them n very selfish. Mayb part of u disconnect also, by rejecting b4 rejected, not sure.
@@curiouscat3384 I relate to all that except the bored & unfulfilled part. I realized despite childhood trauma, I would have wound up at the same place anyway because I'm predisposed to be an introvert. I live for myself now and don't break my neck trying to appease others. I never get bored though. In fact I wish I had a magic stopwatch because there's not enough time each day to do everything I want to do, and sometimes, what all I need to do.
damn it this is me. Thankfully I am getting care finally... which is a huge counter to having spent my whole life pretending I could walk everything off. One thing I do is try to slip out of things early without anyone noticing. I like to meet people places, rather than go places with them... I want to feel no attachment to anyone and arrive and disappear if I feel overwhelmed.
ok. weird. I noticed something watching this video that triggers something. I will identify with something in the video and then minutes later realize I checked out and stopped listening to everything that follows, kind of absorbed in some undefinable moment triggered by the respective comment. And then I rewind and watch some more and then I identify with another comment and it repeats. It's not bad, it's very informative.
This is me! I have the best 'short' connections with people I meet at the supermarket or elsewhere. I don't want to 'plan's to go anywhere or do anything ahead of time. I can't handle the pressure.
“Ew, people” So are all us introverts covert avoiders? I have absolutely no desire to have friends or be around my family or talk to anyone other than my son, my husband, and my cats. I prefer not to leave the house at all so that I don’t have to interact with anyone. My life is not empty, it’s peaceful 🙂 “Go and say hello to your neighbor “ heeeck no. Lol 😄
If you don't feel bad, if it doesn't affect your private life or career then hell no, nothing is wrong with you. Fellow introvert here :) We are just wired this way. Why don't other people just let us BE, lol xD I don't care what anybody else says, I finally accepted myself and love it. Maybe the avoidance the lady is talking is a bit different from true introversion but it sounds overlapping.
@Rac: if you're feeling good, and your life is feeling full, by all means keep doing what you are doing :) -Cara@TeamFairy
No, not all introverts are covert avoiders. Probably most aren't. Introverts can be very social, it's just tiring, whereas socialization is energizing for extroverts. Extroverts can also be covert avoiders.
I am exactly this. Before covid I was late for work every morning, late for get togethers etc. I am now working from home and I absolutely Love it because I don't see anyone besides my husband, my children and yes my cats and occasionally my mother.
If there's nothing wrong with you why are you watching this?
Thanks for posting this video. I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I was labeled the bad guy by my mother who has disowned me because she thinks I "gave up my religion" as she has said to me. She tells me that without really discussing my feelings with her and her assumptions about me are entirely negative. Every time I have initiated contact with her, the feelings inevitably are reduced to anger. My mother projects her anger and contempt at me anytime I communicate with her. I was emotionally and physically abused growing up and never have been able to get over it, so I identify with this video. My mother and father always had contempt and anger for me and a lot of it has to do with our religion. You see, my mother is a devote Roman Catholic. I have never been able to have a reasonable conversation with her about religion. Anyway, the emotional abuse I experienced growing up has affected my relationships and I find it almost impossible to trust anyone.
I've spent 51 yrs doing my best to stay, checked out.
I've always felt safer at events if I'm working or have a purpose, I even end up cleaning up and helping after parties etc so I don't have to engage. I only found out this year about CPTSD and whist I've had lots of therapy for childhood abuse, understanding the adult behaviours associated with CPTSD is really helping. Taking care of ones life is something I'm still only really getting used to. Dysregulation is definitely what I'm trying to figure, I see it as the inner child/teenager fighting with the adult me too...not wanting to face life. I literally was writing about avoiding life earlier to my therapist and then found this video after finding you last night. Thank you
I've made peace with my monastic way of life. It has value, too.