Unavailable, Manipulative or Just Awful: 12 Signs Someone You're Dating is TROUBLE
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When you meet someone new, watch out for these signs that someone is not really available or actively trying to to use you.
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Unavailable: 1. They are telling you they're about to get divorced, but they don't divorce (for whatever reason). Uncut ties with previous relationship 2. They're full of stories about horrible parts of previous relationship. Manipulative: 3. They talk about sex with other people in the past (or even present) as it's nothing important/not impactful on person listening 4. They behave differently on different days. Good side-bad side, hot and cold, love bombing-devaluation. 5. They get angry for setting boundaries 6. They keep you waiting Red alert: 7. They are rude/mean/cruel to other people/animals/you 8. They suddenly have financial emergency and want to borrow money 9. They lie about something to you or in your presence 10. Ask you to help to deceive someone Red flag for you: You want to hide the relationship from your friends
Thanks for the summary :) -Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you 🙏
🌻
The abusive narc I unfortunately got involved with would talk about his "friend" and "roommate" a lot, who turned out to be his fiancé. He completely lied about living with, and being engaged with a woman, and he would "talk around" everything extremely manipulatively. Everything was so airy and non-specific, it was easy for me to crapfit and ignore the signs so I could keep my fantasy. It ended up doing intense damage to my soul. So I would add "being vague about important information" as a red flag of manipulation.
@@LauraBeckerReal my x lied so much all over 24 years of it and he lied in courts and playing victim all over to the point he said that I tried to jump from truck, he was a alchoholic and womanizer, in my face and behind my back, he broke my back and toss me across the front yard for zero reason and he hit me on the Head for zero, attacked my sister and abuse is a understatement. Jokes about people all over and even screaming at me with people all over... waiting for him hours and yes, waiting for him to come home, waiting for food, for getting my hormone pills, all of it was just TOXIC horrible way..what happens in the dark will come out to the light...yes, mean to animals, other's and just mean nasty attitude ..yes, money, DNT help with money to anyone. Yes, target for me, to pay...the red flags were all over, asking me to deceive someone, lies and secrets hurt PEOPLE ...if they don't change you need to run..
These are all great. I would like to add: if someone blames everyone else around them for the problems they are having. That's a red flag!
Totally!!
So true! I would also add if they have zero friends/close relationships. This was a huge red flag I ignored with both my abusive ex-husbands.
Yes it is! That is one of the biggest red flags. No accountability.
Yes yes yes! This should be on the list. It's a total turn off too, so little chance of my falling for someone who loves blaming others for their own fuckery.
Yes! One day you will be the source of blame when their anger comes out on you.
I think another red flag is if they always talk about things their exes did and never a mention of their own responsibility of why things went sour (victim mentality)
Definitely! -Cara@TeamFairy
And just not being able to respect the word NO is a red flag. It means they do not respect boundaries.
Great point! -Cara@TeamFairy
Yes. This goes for any friendship! ... If they don't accept your 'No". .... it is a problem
A man I started speaking to, told me he was going to stop by my work to visit me. He didn't show up or text me to apologize until the next day. It was at that moment - I knew this man wasn't going to care for me.
Marcia, I have had guys show interest in me, and those that didn't show interest in me. Even with platonic friends of same sex, this is a flag that they dont care/are not reliable enough/are not as intersted in me.
This list is also useful for finding good friends. People who are constantly angry, playing the victim, rude to others, inconsiderate of your time, and manipulative do not make good friends.
Thanks for listening! -Cara@TeamFairy
Great point
Absolutely. Rude, bitter bullies who don't accept our "No Thank-you"... Bye bye
Here is one I never see mentioned; They take you out,spend money on you,shower you with gifts,then criticize and make fun of you. You get so confused and feel like you are " not being grateful". This is a TOXIC situation....runnnnnn!!!!
Thanks for mentioning this one. They throw you off balance by sandwiching an insult in between compliments then if you question then about the negative comment, they say, 'Why are you focussing on the one little negative? You're being oversensitive.' This behaviour is definitely a red flag!
That tactic is known as love bombing. If they seem too good to be true, and/or try to speed up the relationship, be very wary.
Yes! Thank you for mentioning this one. This is exactly how my gaslighting ex behaved. He was extremely generous in spending money on travels and other things, but would yell at me in public because we were to meet up at a supermarket and he couldn't find me. He would also tell me to "shut up" in front of his family. When we started to date, he complained once that 3 years before we met, his ex had dropped him like a dirty rag. Now i know why she did that! Clever girl!
Typical narcissist abuse cycle
I would suggest, to the ones who still have that chaotic CPTSD mind where it's hard to keep your train of thought: write down the red flags as they come. It's a lot easier to keep track of things that way.
This!! I have a locked note on my phone. Any interaction that rubs me wrong I write down. It helps me remember better.
@@PaigeSquared Meredith Miller at Inner Integration calls this a “Sobriety List”. It keeps you sober from getting drunk off others’ BS behaviors toward you!👌🏻
Excellent idea!
I became an armchair psychologist after my divorce. I've trained myself to use my brain before my heart so much I doubt anyone will ever get through the screening process!
Hahahaha. Same here.
Same ;*
I think this is exactly what I we re doing here w CCF.
I just found out that I am as unavailable, manipulative and awful as many of the guys I dated.
We all have character flaws, step by step you can become the person you were meant to be :) -Cara@TeamFairy
I hear you. Especially about being going through divorce (which literally last YEARS) and telling that the person you had before was narcissist/psychopath. Can be truth? Totally. That’s why you are out of that relationships. And if you are asked by the new person Why - you tell why. And then they think “ope! Red flags!” And maybe even watch this black-and-white video, and go away from you.
I wish I stumbled across your channel 40 years ago.
GREAT great points. "Vulnerable narcissists will keep you uncertain about when you are getting together. Will make you feel sorry for them, which makes you have too many tooong phone calls too many days of the week during which they drink your energy when you need to do self care and go to bed for work the next day."
Absolutely! -Cara@TeamFairy
I’ve seen it coming Looking at other women, making me feel not safe especially not emotionally available. I’m happy I just left with some dignity..
Our first date he was literally gawking at some waitress. He kept saying that wasn't actually a date as if that mattered. And it was 😂
THANK YOU for pointing out being comfortable with small acts of dishonesty as a red flag. It's about integrity.
Absolutely! -Cara@TeamFairy
It I interesting that the last guy I loved talked about valuing integrity, yet he was regularly lying to people. He sounded so good but his actions were not.
When I was in college, I started dating one of the football coaches. He was 6 years older than me, and his players were my age. Twice, when I was out in public with other people, I had two different people tell me the players hated him and he was bad news- bad temper, demeaning to the players, etc. Because he was always SO charming to me, I couldn’t believe it was true. After two years of dating, there was a coaching change, and he lost his job. One day shortly after he was jobless, I learned he got engaged to a gal his age! Someone he’d been dating off and on for years. I was DEVASTATED. HE told me he really loved me, but she had a job, and it was a “business decision.” For yearsI grieved the loss of this man. Fairy, your wonderful channel has helped me accept that he was never the person I wanted him to be! He showed me who he really was, and others warned me! I now know, when people show you who they are, believe them!
Right on, thanks for sharing! -Cara@TeamFairy
Moral of the story: Date the HEAD COACH.
@@JT-cl9np 😂😂😂
I met someone who was so attentive and helpful (unsolicited acts of service). I was so attracted. I am proud that I also saw red flags and managed to keep a boundary. Wow, just sitting with those powerful feelings is TOUGH, especially when you've been alone for a long time. It really showed me just how vulnerable I am due to my CPTSD. It was a good learning opportunity. Thanks for keeping these lessons coming!
Great job! -Cara@TeamFairy
You're my hero! I hope once I start dating, I will be as strong. It seems so hard.
Excellent tips. Thank you. I’d like to add if the person talks behind anyone’s back disparagingly and the person being disparaged considers the person you’re dating a friend, that imo is a huge red flag because one day it will be you who gets trashed behind your back. It reveals the person to be a bad friend of bad character and eventually you will be betrayed too.
THIS! THIS! THIS!!!!!!
I would add: 9. a) They brag about having mistreated someone else in their past. Some from a past relationship I had (I ignored them for reasons that I now understand. These should be obvious, and in my case, they were, but I openly ignored them, and ignore my own voice telling me that I was ignoring them. -- --Pushes for sex / commitments like marriage and children immediately (future faking), then DROPS it once you indicate you might be ready for a greater commitment. --Acts cold about national heartbreaks, such as 9/11 or Space Shuttle Challenger accident. Shrugs off things that would make most people shudder. --Seems to change their beliefs regularly. --Weasels their way into your home. --They try to get 'too close' to your family / children right away, trying to be their 'buddy' or 'cool adult,' or ingratiate themselves to family members. --Pretends to have a nice home and car, but the reality is that they are homeless living with a family member and driving a hoarder-crap car (that was given to them). --Talks incessantly about self; asks no questions about you. --They judge you. He said that I was ‘frustrated’ all the time. He was constantly criticizing me, my cooking, my attitude, etc. after two weeks in. --They compare you to their ex, making it sound like the way the ex did things was ideal, and anything less or different than that is wrong or less than. --Tells you that you have to buy them something...anything, including real estate. Doesn’t ask, doesn’t offer to help or go half-sies, doesn’t claim it will belong to you, doesn’t offer to pay you back. Just EXPECTS you to take care of them financially.
Even ONE of these is a deal-breaker.
I understand most of these, but I don't understand "Acts cold about national heartbreaks". I know these accidents are bad, but I don't really feel much about them either, I only feel sad about things that are around me or people who I know.
These are all great tips. I'd add the expectation of instant replies (text, phone) and sudden need to know where you are and who you are with. Even passive aggressive "you must be busy" or "no time for me" comments early on show possessiveness, codependency, and the strong potential for future intimate partner violence.
@Paul Gauthier I see your point here, and I totally get it. Here's why it's an issue, and a precursor to abuse. Especially because the person may not be inattentive at all. I hope this helps clarify it, as it can be harder for us to wrap our heads around it as sufferers of CPTSD. Crap fitting aside, the term is often used as a shaming technique to push people (targeted victim) to erase their own needs to fit their (abusers) needs in the immediate moment, and to relieve their (abusers) tension (internal tension of not feeling accepted and important that is flaring their anxiety.) This is passive aggressive behavior, which is often a preclude to physical abuse. It's setting up an expectation that their new partner/love interest MUST devalue and erase themselves to be loved by this partner, for no other reason than to boost this new partner's own personal comfort and security. The expectation is tested, flexed, and pushed as the weeks go on. Think of the frog in the water as it slowly boils. Accepting these passive aggressive statements as something to crap-fit to is how we get stuck in situations that are abusive yet again. When we feel that internal tension, we must accept that WE are the ones feeling tense, and set our boundaries firmly at the beginning, then act on them by moving on from a potential partner that isn't a good fit. Moving on like an adult, and not expecting to force a relationship that isn't going at the speed or intensity that we may want for ourselves. Because that's not consent. Remembering that we are not OWED a relationship at all, from anyone. Intimacy and friendship are natural and earned, not forced. Passive-aggression is force, even when its passive--it's still aggression.
@Paul Gauthier again, I am here to gently challenge your statement, because it is not accurate. They are not the same. One is a consensual act, one is an aggressive act. Even when used as a crap-fit, your ACTION with that phrasing as a followup to a perceived slight is the aggression itself. Nuance and context are irrelevant. It is always a power play.
@@theretrorescuer beautifully argued and I agree with you. It doesn't mean, the person that behaves like this isn't in the larger picture the "victim". If anything it's an interesting example of how we lose ourselves when crapfitting and get manipulative ourselves as a way to cope.
@Paul Gauthier Yeah, totally, the last guy I dated (we only had 2 dates) would take an average of 15 hours to repply text messages. This was a problem for me, because it would activate my cptsd emotions of being abandoned...
@@sarahalessa78 thank you.
Last narc who targeted me did the whole "I'm getting a divorce" game and "ex can't afford to move out yet". I discovered later - He was still very much married and very much together and he was full of 💩. Luckily, I wasn't there for it & told him to go on. I said regardless, this feels like I am the other woman and I'm not the other woman in any scenario. byeeeeeeeeeee
Well done!
Wise tips. I just extricated myself from a 2-year relationship where my guy told me upfront he suffers from depression. Okay. What I quickly learned is when he becomes “overwhelmed” (his word) with life, he goes dark and resorts to radio silence. True to form, I tried to be “understanding” (which says a lot about me and my upbringing in a toxic war zone with battling parents) but just jettisoned him having had my fill of his disappearing act. I explained how hurtful this is, not to mention how rude and actually narcissistic this is. To no avail. Done and Done.
Its weak as well... Stay away from weak people.
I always keep away from men who are going to do whatever in the future such as their going to get a divorce .
Can you do a similar list but of red flags for people WITH CPTSD? Of course, all of these could apply for traumatized people, but what I struggle with is knowing if I myself am healed enough to be dating, and by my own application of red flag detection, it would be hypocritical of me to neglect my OWN red flags when entering a dating scene.
This is a wonderful idea. I would also really appreciate advise on that because I know, I'm not a good match yet either.
Agree with this comment. My relationships have fallen apart in part due to choosing some partners who weren’t good, but when I chose good ones my own crap came out too much and ruined it. I know I’m not healed.
You are honestly a hero. I found myself in an unhealthy relationship recently and started watching your videos after it ended badly and abruptly. You helped me give language to my experiences and to understand myself in a way that I didn't know how to before. Between that and invaluable tools for walking myself through my own emotions and reactions, and also providing insight into the complexities of CPTSD, you've made a huge difference in my life. I deeply appreciate you and your work. Thank you!
Thank you so much or letting me know this. I'm so happy for you, that your healing is in progress now!
He keeps wanting to have sex and puts a lot of pressure on me for not being able to perform. Definitely a red flag and yet I feel guilty for wanting to break it off.
He's hoping you'll feel guilty and give in. There's a reason (and not a good one) why he wants to have sex so soon. Be strong! Believe in yourself and your instincts. Him putting a lot of pressure on you is a red flag. Personally, I think you need to end it. You need to do what's best for you, he certainly isn't going too.
Honor yourself. Your intuition is strong but your mind is tripping on you (feeling guilty). Your heart knows the answer
Definitely a red flag! -Cara@TeamFairy
Narcissists have sx issues. THAT is a sign. Doing things out of guilt is a sign. Theirs is a PERFORMANCE to ILLICIT from you what you otherwise would not give. That IS THE SIGN. Only engage w people where everything is what you a 100% choose and where things progress in line with your VALUES. It is really heartbreaking how we learn not thru error as much as by finding videos explaining it.
@@BlueSky-ff4oy Yeah I am so afraid of offending people because I am afraid what others will think about me if I do. I also genuinely feel bad about telling someone "no", because it will hurt them. I must take responsibility here. I had a boundary of no sex, he went ahead and violated that on date one and I still keep seeing him. I should have ended this right then and there.
Wow.. seems like I’ve been used really badly quite a lot… I guess that’s why I don’t believe in love anymore..
Wow, I even had platonic female and male friends do things like this. And I am afraid I may have been the red flag myself in some situations. So ready to be in a healthy state. The daily practice is helping. Thank you
Delighted to hear that the Daily Practice is helping! -Cara@TeamFairy
I have a platonic girlfriend who is doing many of these things right now, and because I haven't many friends haven't walked away.
I am great at seeing the red flags but terrible at walking away. I struggle with feeling I will hurt the other person or that they will get mad at me and summarily begin to dismiss the red flags or justify why the way I feel is too needy, perfectionistic, etc. HOW do you end it once you see the flags? What do you say to the person? 😣 And thank you Anna for changing my life with your videos and helping me identify why I feel the way I do! ❤️
This video is for you :) kzhead.info/sun/nJ2Dm9mjjqh9aWg/bejne.html -Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you!!!
"I don't feel this is working for me" and "I do not think this is want I want" could be maybe working ? : )
Just remember; if they have a number of red flags, they probably don't care about you / are dating more than one person and your dumping them will not hurt them. That was always my hang-up. I didn't want to hurt someone...so I stayed with them while they cheated on me, and while I pretended to still care and be interested. Reba McIntire has a song, "You Lie," which is about lying to someone pretending that you still love them, because you can't bring yourself to leave. That has been my life's anthem...until now.
I've overlooked a lot of these red flags in the past if the person was really attractive 😆 It's like they get a free pass. Seriously, no more. Show up or get lost
Because complex PTSD makes you doubt your self and you may be accused of "being needy" you may not even trust that anyone can be available for the level of understanding and patience you may need while you are working on your own healing.
If your program/videos/material would be available in high school and college courses, sigh, how much healthier we all would be . . . how much more we would value ourselves. Thank you for your work. It's helping me with my past, present, and future. I understand so much more now. I'm here today because I didn't know any of that stuff back then.
Thank you for your kind words! So glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Also, if that other person, date or friend, keeps not having money when the bill arrived, this is not just a red flag, but a red flag waving and fluttering in wild wind.
Your channel deserves 10 million subscribers! Thank you, Anna!
Ironically I am experiencing these bad signs from someone with ptsd.
I would think that most of these items would be cause for terminating your association with the person. Being super late or no show once could be excused if the reason is plausible, but treating others badly is a hard stop.
My ex would act like we were "just friends" in public. He would mention that he told someone he was "dating" me after we had been together for almost 2 years.
Ouch! -Cara@TeamFairy
Unfortunately us CPTSD sufferers often fall pray to narcissist and the personality disordered.
I just recently broke up with a guy who has some of these red flags. Stories of his exes being really mean to him, the casual lying, and his willingness to hurt people for no reason. He's never lied or hurt me, but it terrified me, yknow? So did the lovebombing. I couldn't sit right with it. It hurts. I miss him, you know? Because he really did care for me. He was so gentle and tender. But I also know that he was so deeply wounded by his parents and upbringing.
In my humble opinon, he is not healthy enough yet. You were right to end it.
Being 28 and finally finding this wonderful person who can help me with my trauma, I suffer from disregulated emotional problems and cptsd. Thank you so much for your help, Anna
I'm glad you found the channel :) -Cara@TeamFairy
Same!!!!
My ex had just separated from his wife and entered a relationship with me as quickly as I finish dessert. He did what I now know is love bombing, and because I’d had only one other serious relationship and have CPTSD, I fell hard. I was so flattered and definitely ignored the red flag of him wanting to get together with me so quickly. We had lots of problems, but I didn’t spot the danger at the time.
It's so hard to spot love bombing while it's happening. I only realized that I was being love-bombed after the fact - and the hurt.
You're armed with more knowledge now :) -Cara@TeamFairy
@@carmadariacompaniona4181 Even worse, I just got love-bombed and I knew it was happening, and fell for it anyway!! It was like a drug. Luckily I got out after only 3 months. But, ouch. That hurt.
Lesson (hopefully) learned. Thank god for Fairies.
I saw myself in several of these red flags. I have cptsd… I have been abused and and I’m scared shitless to admit that I have been an abuser. I have also manipulated people and lied out of fear of reprisal and anger. The origin of my cptsd in no justifies the things I’ve done. I try to make amends daily by growing, healing, and consciously not being the person that I used to be. Yet I still falter sometimes. I’m healing daily and question hourly whether or not I am a relationship worthy person. Some of my exes would say no, however, they don’t know the person I am today. I work as hard as I can to heal this broken parts, yet I will always see them even though they are a part of my past. Not sure how to move through that hurdle yet.
Sending you encouragement! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I just ended a relationship. Too many 🚩🚩🚩 It definitely helps to understand narcissistic abuse and toxic behavior because I could recognize the signs. He was a liar and a cheater but karma caught up and guess what? Karma isn't done yet haha Blocked him. Bye forever! I owe myself the hugest apology for not ending it sooner. Grateful to have dodged a bullet. I'll be okay. I know the Universe will take care of me.
Great perspective! -Cara@TeamFairy
I really appreciate this video. I have experienced a lot of these and then held onto the trauma from it and been triggered in newer situations where the person may have been genuine. And it is generally demoralizing. It's never clear what is what, but I've realized it's important I heal from the old hurts so I'm not exhibiting toxic behaviors--even if it comes from a genuinely wounded place. The shame spirals after these fall outs, calamitous ends suck. They also cause trauma bonds. So I am trying to move past the lashing out phase by honoring my emotions and deciding whether or not the person is worth the labor to communicate hurt feelings or not because I've also been gaslit a lot by the mixed signals type. I just dislike how my inner critic lashes out after I lash out. I hate harming others, even when I'm standing up for myself so I am learning to communicate my needs and feelings in more concise, clear, and logical ways to people who manipulate me, etc. But yes, I've ignored the initial red flags (that I saw!) around white lies, ghosting on normal texts, and have paid the price many many times. The last time was so painful that I can't fathom letting it happen again. It's just a hard tight rope to walk. Where is the balance between caution and hypervigilance?
I suggest using the Daily Practice to get to that balanced place. It is a free course found here: bit.ly/38JfzK1 -Cara@TeamFairy
You are exactly where I am. I don't even recognize normal behavior anymore. I am hypersensitive and hypervigilent because of a traumatic relationship. Terrified of going through the same thing so I see the same behavior where it might not be. I see mixed signals in someone who might be good for me.
This is one of your most helpful videos yet. A lot of my clients bring up these kinds of problems in their relationship, it is amazing how much shit people (women AND men) will tolerate and I'm always like, "Red flag, red flag, run away!" 🚩🚩🚩
Thank you for this insight. This is tremendously helpful and validating. My dilemma is that I don't even trust my own instincts anymore. In my head the thought process is something along the lines of "I cannot *possibly* be meeting this many toxic individuals." Of course, I'm always looking at how/if I'm contributing, too. But even when a red flag is waving wild and free, I still find myself wondering if it's just my distorted perception. Maybe they're actually really wonderful, and I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. But I guess if that were truly the case, all those little nothing's wouldn't eat away at me constantly. It's all very confusing. Relationships are very confusing.
Same
I so relate to this. The one thing that has helped me a little bit is thinking about people in my life (friends or family) who may have done stupid or insensitive things, or frustrated me sometimes, etc. But I have never felt that nagging "what is this?" panic feeling. Meaning, I still think/know my friend likes/respects me, I don't question it. I still want to see them and talk to them and feel like I can contact them or when they contact me it doesn't feel like I'm hanging on every word... that helps me realize I can feel the difference. Even girlfriends of mine who are more on the manipulative or "toxic" side, have me feeling this tension, confusion, anxiety etc. Even though it's not as triggering as romantic partners, it still feels "off". So even if I can't "figure it out" perfectly, I look to these memories or relationships to trust that I have experienced healthy relationships with people who aren't trying to manipulate me, and that my body knows what that feels like.
@@jamielawrence4749 - That's actually really helpful advice and haven't thought of it that way. Really appreciate you sharing your dose of wisdom there. ☺️ Going to keep that in mind next time something feels off. Glad it's been able to make a difference in your life.
Unfortunately, there ARE a lot of toxic people out there. In my opinion, it's close to impossible to find a partner who knows how to behave in a healthy, compassionate, committed relationship. I'm afraid "healthy" is so rare, that I've given up.
@@jamielawrence4749 THANK YOU for this insight---*notice* the nagging or outright panic because that's NOT normal. Take note of what NORMAL levels of emotions during day-to-day interactions with safe individuals feels like: THANK YOU!
This video came three years too late for me. And sadly, I’m not even sure I would have even heeded the warning anyway. Your channel has been a tremendous blessing in my life.
I'm glad it's helpful, never too late :) -Cara@TeamFairy
If someone is a narc, dismissive avoidant, or just not into you.. does it matter?! All 3 make feels crappy to receive so don’t justify stay around in this mess.
I'm so pleased this phrasing of "Red Flags" is common now, but oh boy I wish it existed 9 years ago!
I would agree with all of these. Although, I have found myself in a circumstance where I began a relationship only weeks before my ex, the father of my child, moved back in with me while he awaited closing on a house. It was not an ideal situation but my boyfriend and my ex's girlfriend was very understanding. Sometimes life is a bit messy and as long as that person doesn't check a bunch of other red flag boxes maybe some of the yellow flags don't need to become deal breakers.
Thank you for the validation that it's okay to take a step back, or even step out, when noticing these things. We're always trying to be so dang nice and understanding. I was raised a doormat... now I'm learning to overcome and understand that I deserve better.
Yes you do! -Cara@TeamFairy
These red flags may seem "obvious" to healthy people but it is crazy how cPTSD people are able to by-pass them with rationalization. I have closed my eyes to almost all red flags listed here and I am a smart, intelligent, grown ass woman with head on my shoulders and STILL got carried away by my own dysfunctional brain patterns 🧠
I hate saying this: My son keeps everyone waiting. For ages. Every single arrangement. He is absolutely late for everything. It is so rude and I don't say anything to him because he is an adult and I suppose i am afraid to upset him. Red flag I am so sure. About me and him
Had I listened to all of the 'unavailable' red flags, I could have prevented my divorce with him! I was SO incredibly stupid.
Not stupid at all, this work is hard! -Cara@TeamFairy
Love this video! What's hard for me is that my body is physically telling me there's a red flag (hands are sweating, shallower breath, body is tight and tense) but my logical brain shuts off. I know that there's something wrong but it doesn't tell me that I need to stop dating them and get away!! it's hard when your emotional part of the brain is way stronger than the logical. Also, I think cuz I am used to feeling unsafe as a child (since I was verbally/emotionally abused), it felt "normal" to me so I stayed longer than I should've. But this is definitely a great learning experience, even though I had to learn the hard way 😢
Sounds like you get dysregulated and there is help for that on this channel and in the CCF community :) -Cara@TeamFairy
Side note: I couldn’t help but notice how pretty your hair looks today and those glasses compliment your look so well! 💜
These are so helpful. I wish that someone would have told me this when I was 16. I’m going to share with the teens/young adults in my life!
once you start to hide things to your friends, you know its time to run. so true!
This video is gold. It helps me identify easily. And may I say it is very reassuring because I saw most of these red flags in my last relationship. My common sense told me that I should end it but I dragged it for so long. Broke up a month ago and I've been feeling better. Saving up to take your courses. I am excited about that! Thank you!!
Looking forward to meeting you! -Cara@TeamFairy
The one about lending money… ohhhh gosh I wish you were there to tell me this when I was 23 🤦🏻♀️😅 but… lesson learned.
Me too! -Cara@TeamFairy
I don't think getting free food is a red flag...I would be excited about that too.
Somehow I’ve always dated guys on the edge of their -£1500 overdraft, I then help them, not giving money but through support and my own understanding of how to take care of my finances. I see a pattern that I always go for guys who are not mature or together in their life, and I then try to adjust to this but I don’t really want to settle for it. My dad was well off and together financially, but not emotionally, so why am I finding guys who are in a way very different to my dad and in a way the same? It is confusing
At least the last one I SAW the red flags VERY EARLY… and proceeded slowly only doing things (pretty much) the way I wanted to.
Brilliant list! I've got a more subtle red flag! They don't give you time to talk, don't ask questions about you or remember the things you do say. It shows they are self centred and blocking themselves from truly making connections. It also shows they value you less like your not allowed to have a voice in their presence
Thank you for this and all the other videos of yours that open my eyes wider and wider. As a CPTSD person I understand I should take it slow while dating but I am finding it extremely difficult to keep my emotions and projections at bay. Would you please create a video about how to actually take the dating and the emotional engagement slow?
You may find Anna's playlist on PTSD & Relationships helpful: kzhead.info/sun/pcWhitFwsXawkps/bejne.html - Ashley, Team Fairy
I’m number three. Still filled with lots of horrible stories of my exes… red flag I’m not ready/available 🤦♀️🤷♀️
Small steps :) -Cara@TeamFairy
I was with a man who was emotionally unavailable, his good looks and manliness enthralled me but I was stuck like a magnet to him, turned out we were peas from the same pod and raised without love so didn't even know what love felt like, it was sheer physical attraction and ego. In saying that we are still together after a couple of breakups and we now after nearly thirty years we are the only ones who understand what our upbringing created us to be, we've lost our looks but the bond is still strong.
Thanks for sharing! -Cara@TeamFairy
I feel so heartbroken over the latest… but it had to be done. No more limerance. I was just fooling myself. Thought I had my eyes wide open but I really didn’t.😢
I have a very manipulative ex who would leave me waiting and then would eventually cancel. When I’d confront him and say “why didn’t you tell me sooner I could have made other plans.” He’d say “Oh I didn’t realize you had such important things to do.” Complete lack of respect and yet whenever I tried to break it off he’d relentlessly beg me for another chance. SO exhausting!!
i HATE that ghosting/ not contacting stuff. horrible. my anxiety spikes and i’ll cuss them out 😂 but working on just letting a guy go if he does that…
Good choice :) -Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you this is so valuable. And Kinda applies to friends.
🙌🏽 yes!
maaaan. I recently had a mix-up with a very toxic girl I had feelings girl. Yeah... she falls into some of these categories I'm so glad I burned that bridge she was really bad news. She was dishonest, manipulative, and wanted to deceive people (including me).
I would add a couple more: • not keeping their word • not wanting to get to know you; they only talk about themselves • everything is a transaction to them; all they care about is profit • talking to you, showing interest but never initiating a date • all talk and no action
this just solved my dating life haha thank you!
Thank you for your videos. I’ve been following you for a couple years now. I recently ended a 5 year relationship which was difficult to do especially since we were friends over 30 years. I am 59 and did not want to enter my 60’s deceiving myself. I’ve probably dated men with all of these behaviors at some point with the exception of married men. Most of these men had past CPST just as myself. I thought this last relationship would be my last stop for relationships. I am depleted, empty, and at times an emotional mess from grieving. In spite of my emotions I am clear on the fact that I want to be treated better, I want better and I want to start by treating myself better. A relationship is no longer on my agenda. I’m back in therapy. I need to find support so I can stay away from this pattern and also I need to continue to work on healing the pain of an emotionally unavailable mother who I can’t seem to find peace in how to relate with her. It feels like so much at times. My self esteem is shot due these toxic relationships and I do not put myself above anyone I’ve dated as far as needing further healing. I feel good that I am aware of my issues but I am very ashamed at the same time. It’s emotionally draining. I have Fibromyalgia and really feel if I could consistently commit my life to healing my symptoms may decrease or go away completely. Once again Thank You for all you do Anna.
It is SO emotionally draining going in the same circles, I'm so glad you're taking steps to break free. -Cara@TeamFairy
So many of these things I saw and explained away. Yeah.
“Funny” how clear and resonate this is for me now, but a few years ago I was struggling with so many negative and unsettled feelings, that I couldn’t put in words.
Amazing advice! 🙏💖
Excellent video!
I am sure I'm not alone when I say, your videos often move me to sadness and sometimes tears. You describe exactly so many poisonous circumstances and people that have put me through the wringer. It's so that, I may have kind of come to some of these realizations in hindsight on my own, but when you outline these things this way it really underscores the awful treatment I think we all have hungrily accepted because we just wanted love and acceptance. So many of us accept the crumbs you often describe because we have been starved. I thi9nk it's the validation you bring to us tattered folks out here that we never had before. I have had times where I would try and talk to "friends" about bad relationships and they say things like, "You two can work it out! You just have to TRY! If you LOVE HIM it's worth the effort!" Or "I don't know, you have a bad track record with guys and not being able to keep a relationship. The problem may really just be YOU." Thank you for not saying this kind of crap. Thank you for lighting the path to freedom from these miserable relationships.
Glad you're seeing a new path and ready to not accept crumbs anymore. We're rooting for you. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Amen. I need to listen to this every day.
Great list! Love you, CCF!! :)
This is so spot on!!
Thank you for this, Anna. 💛 - Feb
So helpful. Thank you 🙏
Best vid ever! Thank you
I LOVE YOUR VIDEOS!!!!!!!!! THEY HELP SO MUCH!!!! THANK YOU 😊
Thank you so much, Crappy Childhood Fairy and Team! Lots of Love, Jaden XXXOOO
This channel is excellent and was made for me
I love this video, really to the point, and actionable.
Amazing truth
I have seen a number of these red flags in action with one of my exes, Anna is completely right!!
Cant thank you enough for this list!
You're welcome! -Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you! You’re confirming my list of red flags, which is helpful. We cptsd folks tend to doubt our intuition at times. 💗
Brilliant sound advice. Thing was with me and still is that you know in your belly to stay well clear yet you still pine for the little they give.
Another great video. …and just FYI, your hair and makeup look great! 😊💕🙌
thank you for this, that its okay to feel not okay with someone talking about sex with someone in their past. This guy did this to me while love bombing me and it made me really uncomfortable. I still feel like saying "why would you think it is okay to talk about that with me, bragging about something." This was actually a HUGE red flag I kept ignoring. I abandoned myself because i've struggled with jealousy in the past. Actually, looking back how I handled it wasn't great but its okay to feel jealous if for example, your partners ex reaches out to them.
Wonderful Anna -Thank you 🙏🙏🙏
Thank you so much! -Cara@TeamFairy
My daughter was in the middle of divorce, she met her current partner because they worked in the sane place, he was helping her through her divorce. She fell for his intellingence and support.. she told me he was really not the type of person she would fall for.. He told her he would marry her tomorrow. He decided to leave his wife, this was 7 years ago.. he is still paying his wife's bills and spoke to my daughter about moving, buying a house when his house was sold and she could sell hers, they LOOKED at houses even though there was No Sign of him divorcing his wife. His adult children don't want to know him because he left their mother.. and has lived with my daughter for the past 5 years or so. My daughter tells me they argue a lot, awful rows. A long time ago she gave up talking to him about him getting divorced because he said he didn't want to discuss it. My grandaughter can see they should not be together. My daughter has reached the stage now when she knows they need to break up, she said when it happens he's going to ask for more time to find somewhere. I think she feels bad about it. I told her he is not on the street, he has still got a house to go to. She tells me she will tell him but she says it's hard.. I know this. I just don't want to see any more of her life wasted, neither does she. She's 45. She told me he gives her Cash for food every week, he is quite generous, but she said she didn't like him giving her cash, she wanted to be able to have a joint account but he still gives her cash.
Very good video!
Thanks for watching! -Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy your videos have helped me heal quite a bit! Thank you for your insight and wisdom.
Wow thanks for this, I'm sure this is cPTSD related but some times I think, surely my ex partner wasn't that terrible like some euphoric recall and self blaming, but everything you've mentioned I now recall they did to me or was their character, it's right that I continue to stay away