Why Narcissists Feel Empty Inside
In this episode, Dr. Ettensohn discusses the emptiness that individuals with pathological narcissism and NPD often experience using the concept of ‘Self as Object.’
Individuals with pathological narcissism and NPD often report having been treated as an object for someone else’s gratification in childhood. This early exploitation can cause profound disconnect from emotional authenticity, because it necessitates the development of false self adaptations to protect against overwhelming shame, envy, and rage.
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I will remove comments that are abusive to any individual (including myself) or population. This includes comments that are abusive toward pwNPD.
Dr. Ettensohn, I’m just letting you know that you are coming off as having compassion for a mentally ill person and not the victims? Why do I say this? You give no apologies when you are making your statements. You give no further explanation when your making your statements and therefore no recognition and no validation to the sufferers of narcissistic abuse. If you did this you would be having no back lash. It is a mental illness. In one of your videos you said that people with other disabilities like diabetes would not get stigmatized for their disability. Well a person with diabetes who chooses to be evil would most likely be co-morbid with narcissism/psychopath. If a person who does not have narcissism/psychopathy who chooses to be evil would just be called evil. Or maybe even sociopath. It is my understanding that psychopath means born with it. Sociopath means made to be it. I would think that the sociopath, who may have a working empathy part of the brain, could be retrained from their sociopath behavior. So I watched your second video, the part 2 to, what is a narcissist? And what you were describing there were the mild ones. I was thinking more like the Borderline ones. In the comment section somebody else noticed this as well. Here, on KZhead the psychologists discuss the bad narcissists who hurt people. They should be calling them narcissist/ psychopaths but they just term them narcissists. And this is what you’re doing here. You’re terming them Narcissist when they’re really not. If you really wanted to be fair to narcissists and the victims, you would term them mild narcissists. As you know narcissists know between good and bad and some choose the bad. Some people argue that they can’t help themselves. Well if that was the case, they would be acting out on everyone and not just their targets.
Dr. Ettensohn, So you would feel sorry for a Sarah Boone, the lady who put her boyfriend in a suitcase and he suffocated. Her lawyer couldn’t even get a worker in the battered woman organization to speak on her behalf. It had to do with a lack of funds for payment. The judge questioned it further and it turned out also to do with a high profile case that they would not be willing to be seen with. What does that mean? To try to defend her that she was a battered woman and did what she did. But here you are, coming off as defending very evil people who choose evil. We all well know that a narcissist/ psychopath knows between right and wrong. This is where you are putting yourself when you don’t say, I’m working with the mild ones. You say that you help the narcissist, in general, with no acknowledgement or validation to victims. How do you think that that is going to work out? How do you think people are going to react? Not good. So you don’t address this. So you don’t fix this. You let people come on here, they get upset and leave bad comments and you won’t fix it. You say, I’ll just delete you. So here you can have compassion for your narcissists, the evil ones included, because you won’t set that straight, but no compassion for the victims, wow! What does that tell me? It tells me that you’re not being responsible. You could cut all of this lash back out just by simply saying I am working with the mild ones. It’s rare that an evil one is even going to go see a therapist anyways. So you’re part of the equation of causing this back lash. You have a good channel and you’re ruining it. You’re going to have an, us only club and not an all of us club, let us all come to an understanding. You cause the divide. And that further isolates your narcissists. Is there anything bad that I put here in this comment? Is it going to get deleted? I wonder? As far as I know there should be nothing wrong with this comment. Is there? I looked at one of your recent videos and I’m starting at the beginning with your first videos and I got the same vibe.
Dr.Ettensohn, I’ve got a suggestion, Why don’t you put a written disclaimer at the beginning of your videos and the ones you’ve already made saying, I’m talking about the mild narcissists. My videos are for educating everyone. I’m pretty positive that you wouldn’t get any back lash. Maybe try it and test it out and see what happens. Do this for the sake of keeping the peace. Just like sometimes therapists won’t give the diagnosis knowing that it will anger the client and the client will stop treatment. Some treatment is better than no treatment at all and so it becomes, “ ethical “ well, same in this situation. By stating that, what I suggested, will cause peace to happen and benefit both sides.
@@bonnielee316 his channel is obviously to focus on the pathology of people with NPD. It is not for victims and so he should not be required to cater his content for him. Dr. Ramani's channel does a good job at consoling people who have been victims of abuse so they should go there.
I've read the other comments above criticizing you. I've been researching NPD about 10 years now. It seems to come from a genetic component along with childhood abuse. So they develop a false self to protect them from the abuse. As one of their targets I've spent much time agonizing over this. Did they ever love me? Do they believe their own lies? And so on. Now I realize that it's a coping mechanism to survive their childhood. Not my fault, certainly not theirs either as they didn't ask to be abused. They can't help it. Just like an autistic person may mask in public to fit in, but when they get home they need to relax and be themselves where they feel safe to do so. It's not possible to keep the mask on ALL the time. So while it's frustrating that I was treated horribly, and will never recover what I lost, never be the same again, at least I know I am still capable of loving others and receiving love. Something they can never do. And THAT is truly tragic. The whole point of life is love. They can't. It's so tragic and not their fault. The best the victims can hope for is to learn to spot them and avoid. If this channel is geared towards the people with NPD, then he's done nothing wrong. Showing compassion towards people who needed love as children and didn't receive it isn't a bad thing. Narcissists are victims too. The one who destroyed me is sending me to an early grave. But there's nothing left for me here now
"We need to be found." "We are not here to feel good. We are here to be."
Thinking about how empty I feel makes me sad and scared that i won’t ever feel what everyone feels like genuine love for others or self feelings that aren’t based on what others think. I feel alone but this video made me feel like someone saw me as a real person😢
That means a lot. I’m glad you felt seen.
Deniarechiga: you are a real person. Don't despair, Dr. Mark states that there is hope. Here's a secret: we all struggle with self-worth and authenticity. You are not alone. Find someone whom you can talk to and a form of therapy that works for you. May God bless you in your path. Here's a hug 🤗
You are worthy. You are enough. You are supposed to exist and have feelings. Your feelings are valid.
I feel the mere fact that you are watching these videos and have been made aware enough to WANT to figure it out is a sign of great courage. Awareness of SELF and a desire to understand is a huge feat! Keep seeking help and clarity and support - such as these videos provide.
Good! I'm glad it did ❤
Yes, I was an object to perform for my mother. If I challenged that image, I was punished (often). The disheartening realization is trying to find out who I am without feeling like a fraud. I STILL want my partner's applause and to tell me I'm doing a good job. I want him to be proud of me for being the best version of myself for our relationship to thrive. But is that still me performing? One thing I do know...I have had hard conversations and taking painful accountability for "episodes" of splitting and shame/fear projection. I am learning more about what lurks in the dark and I refuse to sleepwalk through that darkness, holding my thought monster like a protector any longer.
Here’s to no longer sleepwalking and making the decision to live life more consciously. 🍻
Was unaware I had a biological sister. I thought my mother ate the rest of her live young. Virtual hugs to you. You're doing something constructive with your trauma & you should be proud of yourself
I don't have NPD or anything in Cluster B but began educating myself (still learning) about NPD after my divorce in 2021. The insight that Sarah and Jacob and Lee and others have afforded is immeasurably helpful to so many of us. I do sincerely thank you all for that! Also, Dr. Ettensohn, I would like to thank you for the compassion and dedicated work that you do in explaining many of the aspects of NPD without an accusatory and rejecting tone. I believe that Jacob has expressed gratitude towards you for that very reason and there's a whole lot of good feeling in that! Over and out.
Wow, i didnt expect to see you here Sara, but i am impressed by your comment.. i wish the narcissists in my life had the same level of self-awareness and determination. I also didnt know abt your history, but i can relate to having been an object for my narcissistic parents to possess/control/abuse at will, and being basically born to perform for them or be considered worthless. Much love to you and everyone who has been thru this 💗🌟🕊
Everyone wants to feel accepted and approved of. Its 100 percent normal
Omg I become whoever people want me to be. I treat other people (my partner primarily) like an audience. They're objects to approve of me and I'm an object to be perfect. I feel like a machine that takes input from people and performs. For some time this is how I got self esteem and an identity.
Yes, I feel this exactly. I am an actor on a stage and I have to put on a certain image or I have failed my part. Unfortunately so much focus on what I need to appear to be has hollowed me out and distanced me from who I actually am. It doesn't feel good.
Codependent
@5antiblusable654 Step 1: be aware of the problem Then all else can fall into place. Everyone here is gaining awareness, meaning everyone here is on the road of healing
As a recently self-discovered narcissist, your evidence-based information and helpful and understanding advice is the only source of life line to me to get over self-hate, insecurity, confusion, pain and make sense of my inner world.
Do You have empath for others?
@@mahariemusic3286 well, I will try to explain it to you in this way: I grew up in an chaotic, unstructured and somehow violent environment. There was no way for me to develop empathy. The skill I gained, however, was to learn how to read people as if my life depended on it. And it kind of did - being able to read people mitigated the risks for me of being vulnerable in front of others and being my authentic self because I might get hurt . So, for the longest time it felt as if empathy was surgically removed from my brain. But in later years (I’m 37 now) I could notice that something was off with my interpersonal relationships and I couldn’t tell what. I could realise that I have an unhealthy pattern of behaviour, but I couldn’t see what it was, where is it coming from and how it actually affects others. That same ability to read people, once I turned my observation from myself to others, could help me see that sometimes my behaviour towards others has a very negative impact. So, I slowly realised that I might be narcissistic and have no awareness of people’s feelings and needs of me so I can respond with compassion. And please allow me to make one addition to your question - when you ask about empathy, don’t just ask for empathy towards others. I feel that people like me have no empathy towards others, but also themselves and animals. When I look back, I have hurt people due to lack of awareness of their feelings, but I’ve been twice as cruel to myself. And another thing is, if you ask me for example, do I cry my eyes out and suffer when I see what is happening to Palestinian people right now - yes I am. Because I start to wonder how have humans been reduced to act of murder, starvation and psychological warfare. But this is a very clear perspective- I am aware that tormenting people is very bad. If you ask me do I always empathise with the people close to me and the people I meet in everyday life - that’s a bit trickier, because on a daily basis I am overwhelmed with decisions I have to make how to treat people. And when you have not been aware your whole life that something was wrong in your development and you might have created this illusory world where at the centre is only you frozen in ever repeating lonely suffering, it is hard to come out of that reality and be a truly contributing human being acting with respect, understanding, humility and compassion towards themselves and others. And I have to tell you that when I first realised this, I isolated myself from people because in my mind I was perceiving myself as a monster and therefore not worthy of being close to people. What I try to do lately to counteract these crippling effects is to listen people and myself intently. I try to not judge negatively and prematurely, leaving room for additional explanations and mistakes underlying the importance of people’s nuances in characteristics and values. And also if a friend tells me about a problem they have, I try first to imagine what’s it like being in that situation, but I also make attempts to try and find out what is it that they need in this moment. Like I would literally ask them is there anything I can do to alleviate their pain or help them solve their problems. But I still sometimes act from a place of selfishness, despair or pain and unfortunately that is something that I still have a lot to learn from and overcome on a daily basis. Thanks for the question, I hope my answer was satisfactory.
I have suspected this. I have been in narcissistic relationships all my life. I have loved my family and relationships and always tried to find the “good” in them. It broke my heart to think that they were empty inside. I took the premises that they had a fear of abandonment, so I confirmed my steadfast loyalty to the end as long as my boundaries were respected.. I have lived a life of pain. Now I don’t take things personally. I take care of me then I take care of them
This is beautiful.
Your content should get way more recognition. I don’t have NPD myself but my ex is on the Cluster B spectrum and your explanations make so much sense. I love your compassionate approach, I feel like all those demonising content out there doesn’t do justice to individuals with NPD/cluster B. I wish I could show this video to my ex to help him but I can’t because I have to protect myself (coming into contact again would be a great risk to get hurt more).
I appreciate that!
I'm in the same place with my sister. This video made me realize how much we have in common
I did with me ex and it it was a big mistake. these people never change...I don't even consider them people
@@scottwwsi then what are they?
They are not human because they lack empathy towards other humans. In this video the Dr. described the narcissist as treating himself as an object and others as an object. I don’t believe the part about treating themselves as an object. This seems to apply to some Borderlines. IMO the narcissist treats themselves as god. But I’m not the doctor and he might be talking in general terms. He might not even work with narcissist/psychopaths as they don’t go into treatment he may be working with Borderlines mixed with narcissism and psychopathy and that’s why he makes this statement. And imo, I agree. But I only know one of those types and not even well. I study covert narcissism. That one I know well. If a narcissist is not human what are they? And I’m not talking about the Borderlines. Sam Vaknim regards them as parasites. How? They, “ feed off of you “ to live. If they’re not human what are they? They are damaged humans with arrested development at around age three. You would have to study a two and a half year old ( the temper tantrum stage. And that stage can occur late, at age three ). If they’re not human, what are they? They are abused children who deliberately shut off their empathy and put themselves into a delusion, a god-like complex delusion, so as not to feel that type of pain ever again. If they’re not human, what are they? The psychopathic gene kicked in on them making their empathy part of their brain not work. It makes a different part of the brain work in which they delight in evil and want to practice it. The good Dr. says that they should be allowed to. I wonder what that would look like. They should do experiments with these types of children ( you find them through their parents and observe to see if they’ve got the psycho gene ). They should let their evil develop but under control. In other words don’t hamper it and make them feel bad about who they are but teach them logically why they should act on those desires or not. I’ll bet you that would help them out a whole bunch! Then they wouldn’t have to develop NPD, which I think is a defense mechanism, which, if that’s the case it leaves the cause being the psychopath gene and the NPD being caused by the environment.
Dr. Mark, I know you might feel a bit self conscious about posting these videos out there for everyone to see, and such misunderstood topic to boot. But please know, YOU ARE HELPING, and you have shown you care. I always listen and enjoy your videos, please keep ‘em coming! THANK YOU for such great work.
Thanks. It really helps to know that. 🙂
Thank you for speaking to us, the narcissists, with such depth of understanding. This is rare.
I don’t strive for perfection, since I’m unsure what that is, but superiority. I want to be so good that I eclipse everyone else. I don’t merely want to be *an* artist, for instance, but *the* artist.
@@racheln8563yea… but at what costs? U narcs are capable of unaliving ppl to fulfill those unattainable goals
@@FleurRebelle💯. There may be reasons narcs have for their behaviours but they are very dangerous people. Nothing is off the table for them to achieve their goals
@@DN-wy3ud That’s an exaggeration. Narcissism is a spectrum. Some narcissists are better than others.
I've been researching and watching a lot of different channels on this topic for quite a while now due to having multiple people, that I know now, familial, friendship wise and the biggest heartwrecker, the fairytale romantical one, in my life and just trying to understand why..why have these things happened and NEEDING to understand, what role did I play, what did I do wrong, what could I have done differently, how did I hurt them which would have been completely unintentionally but I now stemmed from a need for my own internal growth,. How do I correct myself to never do that again and have to NEVER experience this excruciating pain ever again. To have to answer my own questions that I will never have answered by them, no closure..etc...to help them and myself heal and grow. To learn from my own mistakes. To be the best version of myself than I was yesterday....EVERYDAY!! To be able to help others who seek me out for help or guidance or advice or how to be able to help validate them with a healthy perspective. I'm a very compassionate, empathetic, and understanding person, and all I want is to help the people I love so much to not feel so much shame and pain. To not feel pain myself anymore or put myself in a place for this to happen ever again. For them to know they're truly AUTHENTICALLY loved UNCONDITIONALLY but NOT with unconditional tolerance. There are so many channels. People are so mean about people with this disorder, and it makes me so sad. There are good ones though, also who are compassionate in their delivery, and others who are diagnosed and are commited to healing themselves and being vulnerable in helping others become aware of tactics and how to help yourself understand, heal and thrive beyond it all . People with this disorder are NOT a monster, although I can understand how some would be and have been with others. There is definitely a spectrum! Some can be very physically dangerous. I have experienced both, but mostly, the more mental and emotional levels. Which, in itself, if you're not a strong person, can be even more dangerous!! I understand they may be jaded, or they're really meaning well to help people deal and understand what the hell they have been through and I appreciate them for doing so, it's definitely helped me, but I've ALWAYS remained compassionate and understanding..maybe to a detriment of my own, for the certain people in my life and just want them to finally feel the love they should've had their entire life and help them release all the hurt and anger that has led to this disorder. This is the first channel that explains and expresses my internal thoughts about it all so well that I've tried to express to others, and I stand by these beliefs. These are PEOPLE with a disorder. They DO feel emotions!! They're in a survival mode! I know each individual is different, but for the ones in my life, whom I love very much, I just want to help them feel loved and for them to know they are and to truly embrace their true natural born essence. I've seen it in them and hurts to know they don't believe it themselves, but... I still have had to set hard boundaries and protect myself. In fact, they made me learn about boundaries for myself and helped me grow and learn to love myself instead of just being an object, a doormat or punching bag, people pleaser..etc. You have become my favorite channel today because you speak my language that I've tried to express to others but always get challenged and told I should be angry or hate them. No!!!! Not at all!! I will always love them. I just have to from a far ...at least for now while on my own healing journey and to enforce necessary boundaries for my own heart and souls growth and safety! I can't possibly express everything I feel and have come to learn about this all and wish I could say here in this comment. So thank you soooo incredibly much!! Your videos most definitely hit my heart, soul and psyche!! Please don't stop what you're doing here! It's so necessary for both sides of people dealing with this disorder to help us all TRULY understand as a fellow human being...we all bleed red and we all need love, compassion, empathy and to feel seen and understood, regardless of what side of the coin you fall on with this disorder!❤
This is the absolute best description of what I have felt inside all my life. You put it all into words so clearly and compassionately while explaining the whys and hows one could end up living with this void. What you are doing here in your posts is compassionate; it is brave as all hell; and can potentially allow people like me to at least begin to believe that we can be seen, that we can be understood and that we should not be afraid to trust. This journey of beginning to see myself has been a literal war inside my head, and the closer I would get to see it all for what it is, the more intense, toxic, and abusive my behaviors would become. Ultimately, I had to sit and face the reality that I had not been the good person I saw myself as. I had to sit in the emotions tied to those behaviors, the regret, the guilt, the accountability of it all, the shock to my system that I could have done all this for so long while hiding it from myself. I began questioning my sanity, a total Tyler Durden experience, only with no Brad Pitt. It was the worst thing I have had to willingly put myself through, and the only thing that kept me in that space was that I did not want to continue living; when they say that, it feels like annihilation; it is no joke. I could not have sat through all of this, to have felt the horror, the pain, and real shame without my husband's dedication, love, compassion, bravery, and ability to see the real good in me despite my horrible treatment of him. Facing this and living through it, I came out of it all with that same shame that I've carried with me all my life, except I now can define why I felt this way. I finally understood that this feeling was unrelated to me and my being, that I was not evil. I realized it was instead tied to my actions and the simple truth that my maladapted defensive systems prevented me from sitting in it and taking accountability for my actions. I had been denying myself this horrible guilt and every feeling connected to it all my life. What I did not expect was that I also came out of it with the knowledge, and actual ability to understand, that all of this does not define me and that I do not want to be this opportunistic selfish person with no drive other than a desperate need for validation. It is just as you said. That void, which I feared more than anything, was the root of my depression, the reason I could never speak for myself or voice my desires. I interpreted this as if it was broken or hollow. But it ended up becoming a blessing because I could now clearly see that from this point on, I can fill that space with who I genuinely want to be, what defines me. And after going through the painful reality that these feelings of guilt and shame were here to guide me to be a better person, not something to fear. I am currently dealing with the reality that some of my triggers remain, and my defensive nature resurfaces instantly, like an impulse or reaction. And it happens so quickly, seemingly out of nowhere, that it instills a fear that I am reverting to my old ways. All I can do now is remain vigilant, do my best to stay connected to my emotions, and listen to them when something I do does not match the person I am striving to be. When I make a mistake, blame others for what I know are my issues, or act poorly, I know to stop and apologize, take accountability for what I just did, and do the best I can to forgive myself for not being perfect. And that it is ok because I can now remember these destructive behaviors, learn from them, and repeat them less and less often. This process is impossible to describe and the most horribly painful, terrifying, and challenging thing I can imagine. I wish you all the best and look forward to seeing more and more from you.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Alex. And thanks for watching my channel. 🙂
I am new to your channel here, but not new to this topic. I am nearly 2 years out of a decade long relationship with a malignant covert, narcissist wife. It has been devastating. I am still reading constantly, and basically live in this section of KZhead whenever I have the chance. This “compassionate view” of narcissism, I believe is spot on. Clarifying, and sensible. It’s so much more realistic. Narcs are really simply undeveloped and broken. Not so intentionally awful… just utterly unaware of nearly everything. Thank you for this. I look forward to listening more.
Thanks for letting me know. It’s unfortunate that a basic stance of compassion with respect to a mental illness should be unusual in this space.
I also started watching narcissism videos after a break up saying she was a narcissist, and I’m sure she was but then I started to realize we after getting over
I can agree with taking a compassionate view of a narcissist, but not to the point of continuing to absorb their multi-faceted abuse. Such compassion is best given from a safe distance. I say that, knowing very personally how very difficult it can be to "escape" after decades of marriage to a narcissist.
To be empty is to be full of potential. ❤
What the phaq are u talking abt???
Yes
This is so important, well done! Too many do not understand this. This is how NPD is created, it's heartbreaking. Mothers are creating this at exponential rates. Not all women naturally know how to cuddle, care, make eye contact, speak to, love and appreciate an infant and get to know them. If only they knew how rewarding it can be. But no! They are off working, putting on their makeup, making money more important, or whatever else. I was nodding my head... all the way. Very, very few men can put themselves in the shoes/socks of an infant and speak for them. ps. feelings are not allowed and attacked quite viciously in developed countries. That's a big mistake by society/culture. Other societies are much more comfortable with feelings. So they allow infants to have feelings also. It's not an injury, it's very deliberate chronic neglect and nefarious control tactics of mothers. Sometimes a good father steps in and makes up for the lack, and these children are extremely fortunate. I was one of them. I saw both sides. Dad is very expressive, looks you in the eye, makes you feel seen, listens, validates expressions, communicates authentically, etc. Mother was a cold, home CEO. A lot has to do with personality type. Some people just can't do it. These should never have children.
My ex was empty inside and it reflected outwardly. He presents as this bland, blank space so that others will see him as benign. In reality he is dangerous as his mind is filled with dark thoughts.
No matter what....after the age of 18......we are responsible for our own healing........we can't make innocent people a "punching bag".
@lindatallon9217 - I agree.
... oh my god ... This is my experience of myself and my childhood as I remember it. Thank you again for your compassionate and accurate description of pathological narcissism.
Very helpful! "Used children". That was powerful. It helps me not be so angry at my parents anymore. Thank you so much for helping me.
You are so welcome!
Oh god, this was just what I needed to hear. I will keep re-visiting this video. I can't thank you enough, it makes me emotional to feel seen. I love your content ;_; I'm so glad you exist and that I found you, Dr.
Thanks for letting me know that this content is helpful to you. :)
I'm trying to understand what narcissists can feel. You expressed such profound gratitude. Being seen and understood in a rare way, which likely almost never happens, must be, well, something I would find hard to relate to. Not trying to be diminishing at all, just trying to understand. There's so much pain and loneliness involved w/ this disorder. I can relate to that part, but in very different ways.
Thank you for the video! I really appreciated the clear explanation of how someone with NPD fails to develop an authentic self. I'll admit, I'm still a little uncertain about how to come to terms with a sense of emptiness and nurture a "sense of self." I imagine the answer varies for everyone and is worked out through therapy. But I'd love to see a later video where you talk through general exercises or suggestions for developing a healthier sense of self. Thanks again!
It starts with awareness, then being able to sit with ginormous feelings. To let the energy move the core beliefs you live out. Self compassion. New horizons. It’s doable.
This helped me suddenly realize the probable reason for why so many of my family, and narcissists in general, become narcissists in the first place.. thank you. I appreciate your approach. Im not a narcissist/cluster B myself, but i have known so many throughout my life.
Thanks for sharing!
I revisited this video as I realised during my therapy session today that I'm once again using my typical defence mechanism - being a workaholic - to not feel the emptiness inside. It's so difficult to just FEEL it without trying to cover it with different activities and mental stories/theories/explanations... Thank you so much again for this video
My mom told me that her mom taught her that if the baby cries do not hold them. Ignore them to train them not to cry as much and if you hold them too much you will spoil them. Its sad that’show previous generations thought and how this all relates back to that. I remember always being punished and use of the belt very loud italian father. They thought they had it right
You are a treasure. THIS is what I've been looking for - and fighting for 👍 PURE GOLD HERE. I am SO tired of the constant condemnation of people suffering & causing others to suffer with this disability. This is grounded pov and makes SENSE.
Thanks!
Your videos have helped me not to hate or despise the person who has inflicted so much pain. But deal with it in a way that you would deal with any other mental health condition. I need to protect and remove myself but at the same time try to care for this person who is suffering so much.
My narc wife uses me to pay bills & clean house, soon getting divorced
I am so grateful for your content. The very best I’ve found on actually doing something proactive and healing about NPD, about having empathy for the person causing so much pain, fear and confusion. I’ve been asking what caused this and have been so very frustrated that we are supposed to consign them to the outer world of darkness, to go no contact, for our own protection, when that does nothing for the person with the disorder. What can we do if anything? Satan can’t claim a group of people who were so wounded in childhood that they can never ever love well. That’s not how God works. He wants to set captives free and you’re describing how they are captives. You’ve been unraveling something so insidious, taking away its power to destroy more lives and relationships. Thank you! I realize many with the disorder will scoff at what you’re offering, but for those who don’t, you’re offering the golden glow of hope.
Thank you so much for this. So profound. I’ll have to listen a few times. It really hit home when you said we need to be found. That’s it! That’s exactly it. That makes so much sense. Luckily with the help of DBT, a really wonderful psychologist and all that I’m learning from the r/NPD community, I’m staring to see some of what you said about realising I have a value other than just what other people want from me. I’m starting to see things less in black and white and somewhere more in the middle. In that middle ground there seems to exist a self that is unharmed by these events and is actually healthy! I’m only getting glimpses at the moment but hopefully in time I can live there more often. It feels so good! I say when I’m in that place that I feel like a real person. Thank you 🙏
Congratulations on your progress. 😊🎉
@healnpd Hi, I just watched this video again, and 9 months later have found it just as profound, if not more so. I like what Dr. Gabor Mate says about the word 'recovery'; it means to find something. And in recovery from npd you find the authentic self which wasn't discovered by your caregivers. I think I'm beginning to get it. It's such a long, slow, arduous, painful process but recently I had a little breakthrough. I found myself being vulnerable with an old friend, allowing myself to be seen in a way that is totally new to me. I take this as a really good sign of healing. It was so liberating to unburden myself of shame and allow my true self forward. I'm on a break from therapy at the moment but can't wait to resume it in a few months time and hopefully share my progress with my psychologist. Now we've finished DBT she's suggested we look at trauma. I'm finding the acceptance and willingness which I learned from DBT are key to this work. Its daunting and exciting. Thank you so much for these videos, you're helping me so much!
Your content is absolutely amazing, I have NPD and any content related to it feels like having a spotlight cast on the worst areas of my life, but somehow you've made these videos feel more like casting a warm glow on the areas in which I need to see more but struggle to flush out, I feel seen and not judged and most importantly I have the significantly more realistic and healthy view of myself. Please keep doing what you're doing
I know someone that suffers from Narcissism and wish he would open himself to healing and start by listening to this accurate explanation.
Huh, I didn't know that in early development extended periods of eye contact was normal or important. Wonder if that has something to do with the fact that if someone looks me in the eyes and says they care about me/love me etc I look away without even realizing it. Or that my eye contact is hella more comfortable if I'm angry. I gotta look into those early childhood developmental things more. Either way great video per usual man!
Thanks! I was just reading about something called “multiple code theory.” It’s a contemporary approach that attempts to find a universal, transcultural model for psychological development and pathology. One of its main principles is that much of our development of emotional schemas takes place pre-verbally and pre-symbolically. We literally can’t represent certain experiences to ourselves because the mental apparatus we use to symbolize and verbalize is built “on top” of these early experiences. Trips me out whenever I think about that. I think trying to remember or piece together those early experiences can be helpful, but we also shouldn’t get too sidetracked in archeological expeditions into our distant past. Nothing there is alive. It’s all past. I think a more helpful strategy is to look for the past alive in the present. Where is the small child that was hurt now and how does his pain live in the present? A bit of a personal disclosure: in my own psychotherapy, an operative image for a long time was of a baby left on a table. This is not an actual memory of mine, but an image that sort of got to a feeling of having been “left to care for myself” too often. The neglected baby was present there in the therapy, not somewhere in the past. So in your example of eye contact, the discomfort wouldn’t just be because of the ways you were treated when you were little. The little parts of you are showing up in your adult life, and you can access them in the here and now. 👶🏼👍🏻
@@healnpd multiple code theory sounds interesting. You mentioned how you had psychotherapy, was that for npd. I'm sorry if that's too personal.
I suffered horrible stage fright from my mother putting me in ballet at 3 years old. I have a memory of messing up at 4 because I could remember my routine and embarrassed myself. I put up with trying to be Shirley Temple to age 11. I hated it. Little did I know what was really going on. Then piano that I sucked at. Then modeling where I had to dodge the wolves. I have a picture of me at 16 of a show I did. I looked like a high class hooker, I finally realized. All that time in my developmental years are a perfect example of having a narcissistic mother. Always on show. I became the scapegoat and was worthless because "The Family" didn't approve of me. I feel ripped off of my life. My precious time and talents stolen by an adopted parent who only saw value in what I could show Her off as. And it was Never good enough I never learned anything of real value from this woman. Only to smile, look cute, and I suffered 2 serious car wrecks because she only gave me 2 driving lessons in my life. Today, I can't drive because of the cptsd. Thank you to the adoption agency for handing my life over to a psychopath. Mommie dearest. And ironically, at age 84, had the nerve to ask me if I thought she'd make it to the pearly gates. You see just how empty Some people can feel? I told her sure. She was a good person.
Dr. Ettensohn, I have been scouring KZhead trying to find some type of answer to a current issue with my grandson and this video seemed to hit the nail on the head, so to speak. From my grandsons very early years he was treated as 'special' He was going to be 'a strapping, tall young man, just like his Dad'. He fell high on the height spectrum and his pediatrician said that he was going to be a 6'3" young man. I'm ashamed to admit that not only his parents, but us as grandparents poured on the adulation over many years. We set him up on a pedestal that he 'was going to be the one out of all the grandkids to make something of himself', etc. We made no attempts at hiding that he was our favorite (shame on us) and we attended all his sports activities, school activities with plenty of "what a great job!" and kudos kudos kudos. Now at the age of 16, he fell into this 'own little world' as he calls it and has cut off contact from all those who treated him with the highest regard. He doesn't know himself and, while he will treat us (the grandparents) with love and kindness when we go see him at work, he will not contact us otherwise and only says, "I've just been in my own little world and not really talking to anyone." I think that your video today really helps explain what has happened. WE have built him up to be this person we expected him to be and now, when he's approaching the age of individualism, he doesn't really know who he is and this is how he's coping. Do you think that's a clear or proper estimate of what might be happening?
It would be hard for me to say, not knowing the individuals involved or the situation in detail. But I think he is lucky to have a grandparent who is thinking about him in this way.
That doesn't sound like a narcisist. A narcisist loves attention and abusing, and takung advantage. If he's distant amd doesn't care, that is something different. Narcissist need others and and need to create life out of problems where they are the saint winner.if he aint doing that he aint a narcissist. Could be type a disorders like pschizoid wich they avoid or distrust and seem to be aloof and detached from everyone.
It’s interesting how you mention as children we have no self image. I remember being 12 and going to a music store and listening to music and thinking … do I like this? Is this something I would listen to? I didn’t know how to actually be authentic at that time and I remember it so vividly because it made me feel super lost. Don’t worry I’ve learned to enjoy my music since then ☺️
I did not expect this video to make me cry, but the end really caught me off guard. It really is just grief and sadness. Thank you so much for this
You are very welcome. Thanks for watching. ❤️
Excellent. Looking at the root cause and the childhood injuries is a better way to examine this topic. I’ve been looking for this perspective to understand what has happened to me and my family. My examples of parenting haven’t been strong. So becoming a parent myself presented me with a steep learning curve. This is helping me see the dynamics of parenting, not meeting needs and what happens if I perform this role poorly.
Thank you for treating people with NPD as human beings. Thank you for your understanding.
I honestly don’t understand how any professional would/could do otherwise. Thanks for watching! ❤️
Excellent and clear explanation. In my experience with a narcissist, the very rare times I saw their most genuine self was when they were vulnerable to deep sadness.
Thank you for an excellent examination of how narcissism happens. I do not know if I am a narcissist. It is a definite possibility. I do know I was raised by someone who was not interested in me as a person. My mom treated us as an obligation. She provided food, clothing but no interest in us as persons. However, she didn't seem to need us to perform on stage, as you put it. It was almost like a bird feeds its babies. A mother bird seems determined to keep those babies alive. The day the babies fly away the momma bird no longer seems to realize they even existed.
As polarizing as the discussion about narcissistic behavior can get in the comments section, I think the instruction you gave at the end is something we can all get behind. All of us deserve our selfhood, possession of our own sense of being. We deserve to be found and it's never too late.
I agree, your content should get more recognition. I am married to someone with NPD and this is exactly what I think happened after watching your video. He's in his last 15 years of life. Not sure he will ever know which is the sad part. Thank you.
I knew someone who used to say on many occasions that she felt so empty. So I was very intested to hear your opinion on this. Thank you.
Thank you…I’ve been looking for the “why” for a long time, and only seeing the ways they are bad and that they can’t ever change
Yes! Love your explanation of the psychodynamics of people living with NPD.
Thank you!
I am having tears in my eyes..Thank you
❤️
Thank you ❤
You're welcome 😊
This video touched me deeply. Thanks for that.
You’re very welcome. Thanks for sharing. 🤗
Thank you so, so much for this video.
Nicely done!!!
The conclusion brought a lot of emotions to the surface. Thank you Dr.
You are welcome. Thanks for watching.
I love how you give hope in this uploads as well as giving the raw truth
Best explanation I have heard on the false self and emotional void in people with NPD yet. Thank you!
Thank you, glad you found it helpful.
I love your content. It is by far the most helpful I have found online.
Wow, thank you!
Just subscribed to your channel! Excellent content! I have watched a lot of channels on narcissism, but your work really stands out!
Thanks and welcome
Accurate.
Thank you. I hope your videos get more views. Keep going!
I will. Thanks for your feedback!
Thank you, I feel seen ❤
Thankyou so much for your informative and educational videos. They are helping me to understand the root of my ex narc's mental problems.
I am so moved. At the end, it felt like I was listening to a beautiful essay. Beautiful.
Thanks, and thanks for watching.
Researched a lot about insecure attachment and narcissism. What You say here resonates so much with me ... THANKS!!
You and your work are so kind. Thank you for helping me understand and to have more empathy for those with NPD. Bless you
You have an excellent way of communicating very concisely ideas which I have struggled to grasp. Also the compassionate way you deal with the subject mas me feel more positive about accepting my own narcissistic injuries. Very please I found your channel and grateful for the content. Thank you.
Oh my gosh, I get it now! Thank you!
Glad I found you! Thank you.
Thank you Mark. The last part... means a lot 😔❤
Holy s**t ! This was, by far, the most understood I have ever felt in my life. And I understood it(me), for the first time, at the same time too. You nailed it @healnpd.
Glad to know you felt understood. 🙂
Wow, that is really helpful stuff - thanks so much for your work!
Glad it was helpful!
Please can you make more vids they are amazing I've never come across such an understanding person when it comes to npd
@daisybrown3819 - I’m working on it. 🙂
Thank you
Brilliant ❤
I wish there were more people like you because this is a hard thing to find someone to help me with, and I definitely do. But watching the videos reminds of how much someone outside of myself and my partner could help me, and helps to keep me motivated to find someone. Thank you!
Thank you, very helpfull ❤
Thank you very informative. ❤
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you very much for this wonderful video.
That’s why they try to do their best by putting someone down, when they do so, they rise above. So they become you hyped up by a million and you become them. It took me 2.5 years to understand this after learning about covert narcissists. And they family members are secretively helping them becuz they are as dysfunctional as their covert son is too. It’s hard to wrap your head around but once you study this it will eventually sink in.👈🏻
This upload is SO GOOD
I love the way you explain, without judgement. One has a better understanding on NPD. Thanks for sharing 😊
Thank you for your insight there are so many misconceptions and inaccurate information out there so I really appreciate your content!
So very helpful. Thank you.
This is probably the best thing I've ever heard explaining narissism!
Thanks. Glad it was helpful. 😊
I just bought your book and can't wait to read it 🥰 this video helped me a lot, the way you explain and give examples is just nail on... I don't blame my parent's, they did'nt know any better.. but I constantly feel like an instrument to others and I'm working on letting that part of me go.. once again thank you dr. ❤❤
Thanks me for letting me know. Best wishes on your path of healing.
Once again, a really thoughtful insightful evaluation of the inner world of the narcissist which is helping me to understand them. Even though they can be horrifically complicated, hurtful, shaming and critical of their partners ( we all know that and there are plenty of videos out there on that). It helps to get the fact that they are like the ‘walking suffering’ and so then we dont have to take what they hurl at us personally at all. And, of course we do not have to keep ourselves in their company.
Spot on.
Thank you so much for sharing your excellent understanding with us! Incredible work! You've filled in SO many blanks.
I love your book
Thank you. I’m glad you found it helpful. 😊
🎉absolutely explained exquisitely yet in comprehendible details we can understand! 😢 Everyone should know this “Self” and authenticity as well as attachments
I love this! Would love to see more about developing a healthy and stable sense of self. Thanks so much for your efforts. 😊
Wow that’s a lot to deal with 🙏
It is. 😧
This all makes so much sense.. thank you! Really appreciated this video. The absence of atunement into feelings because one's experience was in many ways not reflected/attended to in primary attachment relationships. Finding that experience now. Which in some ways can maybe be seen as being vagally "online" enough to open that aperture of capacity for feeling feelings, as opposed to the sympathetic constriction and/or dorsal vagal shutdown. And just as we must "be found" by another, must see our reflection in another, this parallels again how ventral vagal anchors (as the template for self-regulation [ = boundaries, = sense of self) arise through *co-regulation*, they require relationship. And the persisting of the overwhelming unpredictability and undifferentiation of experience because their attachment relationship couldn't support that developmental milestone - because it couldn't provide the solid normal organizing principle for staying regulated: vagal co-regulation from the felt safety and connection of a parent able to meet the child's basic needs for emotional (and material) dependency.
Thanks for watching
Doc, You my friend are THE shedizzle!!!!! You nailed this with perfection as far as your words of compassion combined with your empathy!!!! You SIR, have my total attention !!!! Keep on doing exactly what you are doing!! S
Beautifully explained. Thank you 🙏
thank you for posting this, incredibly succinct explanation of something difficult to put to words. other than exploring feelings about the lack of self and what feelings follow, any other thoughts or recommendations on developing the "true self"? I understand that it takes a very long time to do as an adult.
Yes I agree. Dr. Ettonsohn does such a good job of putting into words experiences and concepts that are hard to describe. It’s one of the things that makes these videos so useful. Because until you hear it put succinctly like this, it’s just a jumble of stuff you’re living with inside that has no meaning or explanation. When he talks about our experience it’s what he is saying in the video; he’s finding us. We are found. These videos speak directly to the soul it feels like. We are lucky to have this resource for our healing.
I really enjoy listening to your calm voice. Really great and also underrated content. Seeing narcissists as only bad means seeing things as only black or white and not grey. Thank you for the unique point of view on this topic.
Very helpful😊
Thanks you
You're very welcome. Thanks for watching. 😊
Very good content, thank you ❤
Such brilliant information. Thank you. A book I found very useful is Self Hood, by Dr Terry Lynch. I plan to get your book very soon. I get so much from your posts, assisting me on this very rewarding journey.
Thanks for letting me know and for the book recommendation. 😊
This is great. Thank you ❤ I have EUPD as we call it in UK. I have a lot of emptiness and now realise i have symptoms of NPD😢
Excellent video. He very calmly and logically explains the parent-child dynamic that causes narcissism.
I’m recently diagnosed with NPD and thanks to the courage of my wife, who went through a lot of difficult times with me and still raised the question and later exposed that to me. It’s been really difficult to face the reality but I just don’t want to continue with all those behaviors. I feel remorse and regret for all the damage I’ve done but I also feel relief because there are a lot of things that I can do to change. Thanks for all the information without estigma.