Are you a Narcissist?
2024 ж. 11 Мам.
14 849 Рет қаралды
Dr. Ettensohn breaks down the core beliefs, feelings, and perspectives that characterize narcissism, providing examples of how these tend to look at both the mild and severe ends of the narcissism spectrum.
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References:
Lingiardi, V., & McWilliams, N. (Eds.). (2017). Psychodynamic diagnostic manual: PDM-2 (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford Press.
Music: www.bensound.com
#npd #narcissism #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #psychology #healing #psychologist #psychoanalysis #psychodynamic
I will remove comments that are abusive to any individual (including myself) or population. This includes comments that are abusive toward pwNPD.
i have lots of respect for you because so many therapists refuse to help the ones that need help the most.
Is it possible for a scapegoat and an empath to also be a narcissist?
@@sc5216 i think the concept of an empath doesn't exist in modern psychology because everyone is capable of having more or less empathy.
I told a friend that I had NPD, and his response was "You are not a narcissist. You are a good person." I'm glad you're putting this information out there because the misconceptions have been promulgated so much that we are essentially considered to have the "bad person disorder".
People don't realize how many of the people they admire and aspire to be like are narcissistically organized. Who else is so strongly driven to be "good" in a way that is memorable to others?
this is so interesting because i am by and large a recluse, I don't interact much with others and when I do I make sure to be polite. idk if i would be considered high-functioning because i am so deeply afraid of hurting others due to the shame that would incur but i am consumed by these narcissistic thoughts, i simply do not voice them because they conflict with the ideal self i want to project to others. I simply see myself as an object to be evaluated by others. my one goal at every moment, in any interaction and even in my moments alone when i turned to fantasy, was to be liked (while at the same time believing deep down that i was not worthy of love and that those who loved me only did because they were lesser in some way or just had poor judgement - because in order for you to see value in something of low value, you must be of even lower value. shameful to admit but it is how i felt). i had no conception of myself outside of what others saw (what i believed others saw, to be more precise). i speak in the past tense because i am beginning to get in touch with authentic feelings that arent internalised from my projections onto others. it makes me immensely sad and also a bit afraid just seeing how delusional I've been most of my life. i hope one day to connect genuinely with other human beings and learn to love and be loved, not as an object that has been deemed effective at its purpose, but just because I "am", i hope to love others for the same reason.
you will :)
Even though I’ve been diagnosed with BPD, I’m coming here to make sure 😅 again.
“I need to be perfect to be ok”
Very similar to OCPD. The perfectionist.
Wow. I was unsure about this channel at first, just because of how prevalent stigmatizing information on NPD is. But this…made me feel incredibly seen. I almost felt as if I was about to cry. Every word you said about that lower spectrum, narcissistic personality disorder hit the nail on the head for me. I’ve been struggling with imposter syndrome about how I feel and feeling like I’m not ‘narcissistic’ enough to be seen as valid. But this made me realize that, even if my struggles are not quite the same as others, I still know it’s incredibly disruptive to my life and I’m just as valid as others.
I feel like I can understand why you would be cautious or skeptical. Thanks for giving my channel a chance. :)
If you're lower on the spectrum, you're that much more receptive and able to work on using healthier coping mechanisms. Be proud of yourself for being aware. The lower levels of it are still really hurtful to those you're in close relationships w/. My ex of 10 years is likely lower on the spectrum. Which is why we somehow made it 10 years. I hope he gets to your point of being willing to work on it. I got out 6 months ago, but I'm concerned about the next woman he'll get involved w/. I also understand he's suffering w/ shame and self doubt too. Those that have loved these people need to care for ourselves as well.
Dude, as someone who probbaly has a high function (after years of self inquiry and psychological work) You have no clue how validating, accepting and objectively ifnormational your channel is. Your a hell of a resource. Really glad I came across your channel and I think you bring a really refreshing and practical perspective to narcissism. Thank you!
Thanks for letting me know, and thanks for watching/listening. It means a lot to me to know that the content is helpful to folks. :-)
@@healnpd It's kind of wild that you're just about the only person out there who actually shows any sort of sympathy/empathy for people with NPD. As you've discussed elsewhere, most information about NPD is about how others can "survive" being around us. When we already feel like we're intrinsically bad people, it's pretty shit to know that the rest of the world thinks that not only are you beyond help, but that you don't actually deserve help because you have a fundamentally evil personality.
@@healnpd we love you!! You are talked about on Reddit ♥️
@@sweet2sourr That's great that the word is getting around. I was going on Mental Healness and Raw Motivations looking for answers and healing after 10 yrs w/ someone who has some level of the disorder. I'll start spreading the word there. Dr. Ramani's channel is a cesspit of victimhood and blaming and I wasn't comfortable there at all.
Very insightful video, thank you. You said something that resonated with me because the topic came up in my therapy session. "being good enough for just being the person that you are". I am still struggling with this if I'm being fully transparent. I don't understand how someone can have worth for just, being? People having inherent worth feels strange and foreign to me. Like, Who has worth just because they had the misfortune of being born? I know it's not a healthy thought. But it's confusing to grapple with. You are only what you achieve and earn. Again I recognize it as being pathological and wrong, but I really don't understand how that makes sense to people. Reagrdless thank you again for the video. Have a good day and keep up the good work
When I was young, my dad used to remind me frequently that I was the only “me” who would ever exist. There has never been anyone exactly like me before, and there never will be again. Same goes for you, and for each of us. No being has ever had your unique set of experiences, and therefore no being has ever had your unique perspective on the universe. Each of us is here for a brief moment and then gone for an eternity. If we were talking about jewels, precious metals, or rare pieces of art, the argument would be simple and compelling. “This is a one-of-a-kind…it’s priceless.” Same goes for you.
I totally agree. Like how far are people willing to go with love? It makes no sense to love people for just existing.
@@healnpd the thing is, if everybody is special, no one is
@@Anasto_ Perhaps the word 'unique' is a better fit. Each of us is unique. There is no other you, and there is no other me. There are all sorts of contextual indicators of value or 'specialness' that we might associate with a person. These will always be, to some extent, arbitrary. In some settings, wealth is important. In others, beauty, or fame, or influence, or talent, or skill, etc. There is no universal measure of specialness, worth, or value. Some people covet wealth, power, or beauty, while others can't be bothered and are invested in other qualities. Therefore, any argument for personal worth or value that proceeds from these arbitrary qualities is necessarily inadequate.
@Ms. Mirror I can't speak for anyone else, but this is the only way I can love. When I say I love someone because they exist, it's because I love how their abilities, interactions, or presence, affects either me or the environment around me. Everyone is built with an unique assortment of traits, skills, foibles, and preferences. Like an incredible piece of art. When you see people this way, and understand each piece affects every other piece, it's hard not to love them. It might lack the passion people seem to need in love. And it isn't dependent on any sort of reciprocity. But I'd still protect them, and want the best for them, just because they exist. Their existence is necessary, beautiful, and uniquely valuable. Even if it has nothing to do with me. I don't know how else to explain it. It's the only love I've known. I hope this makes more sense now.😊
I'm not terribly disruptive to others, but there is a constant war going on in my head and trying to keep my cool is a rapid drain on my mental resources. I do not behave aggressively towards my interlocutor - never, dare I say? - but any belittling or anger directed at me makes me secretly want to rip that person to shreds - fantasies which I share with my borderline GF. My methods of aggression are more subtle, and consist largely of vocal tone changes, passive-aggressive sarcasm, and disgusted facial expressions. Splitting is big, but I rarely have a genuinely high opinion of others in general - most people are background noise - and the need to feel above all my peers takes precedence over any of that fawning nonsense. Still, this roguish Transatlantic accent I put on solved so many charisma issues I used to have about being uninteresting and invisible. I am naturally inclined to be particularly friendly towards law enforcement and managers, but I also have a heavy distrust of people who are stern in their authority. Self-esteem fluctuations? Extreme to say the least. I hide my vulnerable side, because nobody likes a sob story, so I end up coming off as a gruff, stoic cowboy in downer times. The voices of my introjects are intense and strike painfully at my heart at every attempt at a triumphant thought here. During a grandiose state, I am far more extroverted and theatrical, and as you described, I feel more in touch with the ideal person I've always wanted to be. I cherish memories of those fine hours and wish I could find a way to stay grandiose without the help of psychoactives or a sycophant or two.
It sounds like you're more disruptive than you think you are. I hope you get to the point where you don't wish to stay grandiose. It's an unhealthy coping mechansim. Staying level and finding healthy ways to nourish your ego would be the preferred goal.
You have a lovely speaking voice.
I watched a few videos and really like your calm, respectful approach to personality styles and disorders.
I appreciate that!
This really gave me some insights about what NPD actually looks like.
Recognized myself in all of this, but it 100% impacts my relationships in a more negative and disruptive manner. (Not an abusive person who let's me splitting do harmful things. Since splitting is a thought process rather than an action, it's my choice on how I act in response to splitting.)
You may just have a Narcissistic personality style then. I know a lot of people like that, but if it was pathological, you’d have no control or “choice” in how you behave when you split, because you wouldn’t know it was happening. When in a relationship, splitting happens suddenly, without warning. You’ll idealize your partner, thinking she’s/he’s the most amazing, perfect person ever. Then suddenly, they change. You see their behavior as “all bad”. You believe they’re subtly insulting you, attacking you all the time and being cold. It doesn’t stop there. You begin to look back on memories you had, then paint the past in the same color of “all black” or “all bad”. You may even become paranoid, thinking she/he has always been like this. You connect the dots of the past with the present and you start to see them as manipulative. If they’ve always been like this, they must’ve lied and tricked you. The subtle insults and attacks continue, getting worse and worse, so you realize they’re actually malicious and cruel. You may call them out on it, interrogate them, attack them for their actions and then become confused and angry when they deny it, they call you crazy and you need help. So you think they’re gaslighting you, trying to make you feel crazy. What I just described is Splitting. It’s what Narcissistic Abuse really is, commonly referred to as “Devaluation stage”. Which is actually a DSM-5 trait for BPD, but is common among personality disorders. You can’t control it on your own, you can’t stop it, because it’s a cognitive distortion. Your actual perception is distorted and changed. I’ve done this In relationships, treating my partner as an evil, malevolent thing, because that’s how I perceived her actions. I wanted it to go away, I wanted it to stop. I pleaded with her to just tell me that it’s “just me” and I’ll try to just trust her, but you can’t. It’s traumatic af. For both people, but particularly the one suffering from the Splitting, because it’ll happen with everyone they get close to. Every time they fall in love, every close friendship, every interest or hobby they have longterm, every job they have with their coworkers and bosses. It’s a living hell. I’m more aware of it now than I’ve ever been, but I know it’ll happen again, I just take precautions to limits the causalities. I don’t date. I don’t have close friendships. I don’t let anyone in too close. I isolate mostly. It’s lonely and depressing being a Narcissist. Also.. This is why when I find myself watching these narc abuse survivor videos and reading the comments in these groups, that I really start to wonder… Because this kind of sounds familiar, doesn’t it? They come across so many narcs in their life, but NPD is rare, 1-3% of the population… Just food for thought. Lol
Can see my narcissist ex husband in another light but not going to rescue him, he is on his own path and has been EXTREMELY ABUSIVE so not going back but can see clearly it stems from childhood trauma and living with an alcoholic narcissist Father and a Mother who was submissive over lack of money, my ex husbands Father never died he lives on through my ex husband EXACTLY THE SAME CHARACTER, it's frightening to see him sabotage his own life and thinks there is NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM, it's everyone's else's fault, sooo SAD to live the way they do and the destruction it causes.
It is really sad if they won't seek help. We can sympathize, but there comes a time when that can only be at a safe distance. I do relate to having compassion, but it needs to be me first now. In the last year or so of my 10 year relationship, I thought we could work things out when I caught him cheating and that I could meet him part way in healing our relationship. He saw that as a chance to go right back to it, figuring I would enable. Kicked him out 6 months ago and though he largely understands, he thinks I should give it yet another chance. Trust is broken and I doubt he'll ever get help. He's lower on the spectrum if he has NPD, but the lies and gaslighting were like the blender treatment at the end.
You can't no one can dont waste your time, they will abuse your time and ruin you
Your compassion is the weakness that narcs pray on, that's why they guilt trip so much
@@tonyconnor5691 They don't mean to prey on that. They are looking for understanding, just like the rest of us. I don't think it's all maliciously on purpose, but eventually there needs to be a cut off when things get too painful for us. It's painful for them too, but they have to be willing to deal w/ that pain and get help, so they can stop the destructive cycles.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 they can't get help
I'm also on guard and I'm not a narcissist. I scored the highest level of having paranoid disorder. ALso schizoid and avoidant, but zero on narcissism, histrionic and dependant. I'm here because I was raised by narcissists, and it twisted my perception.
Welcome to the channel. 🙂
hi mark. i have a question for you.. first off, i love your videos and they have been extremely helpful for me to better understand myself, so thank you for doing what you do. i admire you for it. i am diagnosed with BPD and i'm very very sure that i have NPD as well but i am unable to get a diagnosis as of right now. i keep trying to be in therapy to work on things and heal, but there are absolutely no therapists here who specialize in NPD which is the thing currently causing the most distress in my life... i never have a good experience with therapists. they either aren't helpful because they don't understand NPD, they invalidate me because i don't fit into their stereotypical idea of a narcissist, they say triggering things which makes me feel worse than when i started the sessions, or they refuse to treat me entirely or quit seeing me once i open up about my struggles. do you have any advice?? i feel like i am truly just swimming in the dark or something here. how am i supposed to try to heal when it seems like nobody wants me to be able to? there is no help for me it seems...
@rdv04 - Thanks for watching and I’m glad to know you find this channel helpful. Sadly, your experiences with therapy are not uncommon. It can be difficult to find quality care - especially when it comes to heavily stigmatized issues like NPD. I made a video called “Answering Questions about Therapy for NPD.” It’s here: kzhead.info/sun/jbuEnpqmaWWOaas/bejne.html You might find it helpful if you haven’t already watched it. I make some recommendations for how to locate and screen potential therapists. Best wishes in your search. I hope you are able to find the help and support you need. 🤗
Thank you for the lesson
Thank you for this
4:00 you used Narcissist as a noun (even though I used it in my last KZhead for bait). I am both an Autist and HAVE Personality Disorder. I am not a Personality Disorder. semantics, ammi right??? 5:20 A wonderful strategy. Listening to your KZhead I realized where the injury came from that gave me NPD (PD - ICD). My NPD father was cheating on my mother with the neighbor and was having war with his NPD mother-in-law. He viewed me as chains to both my mother and grandmother. My parents got divorced, the neighbors got divorced, my neighbor friends became my step sisters and my mother became dependent on my sister and I. I’m 48. I was officially diagnosed 3 years ago with ASD and Bi-Polar1 w/psychotic features. The BD was a misdiagnosis for what I’m sure is PD (ICD) Such a great video. Thanks.
The narcissist's victims are also always on guard too... from the flying monkeys. The victims of narcissists also tend to get (justifiably) "paranoid".
True. Also, paranoid is a separate disorder from the cluster A. I think there can be a lot of overlap between any of them.
thank you very much!
Excellent video
Thank you very much!
Really great podcast/video. Thank you.
Thanks for listening
Finding you and your channel is a breath of fresh air, amongst the stigmatising witch hunt that the web has decided to engage into against narcissism. Thank you. I have been researching obsessively on narcissism, as I have a few traits that make me think I am on the spectrum. I have spent over two years with a sense of worthlessness because of fearing to have NPD. My psychodynamic therapist keeps saying I should not focus on labelling my own life and experience with any diagnosis, that it's not helpful for my healing and can be a further stumbling block. But I keep going back to reading and watching videos about NPD, as I feel there's a key there. I don't know if you can recommend anything in response to this. Thank you.
Hi. i don't know if you would notice this but i can totally relate with you obsessively searching about narcissism. i've been doing that for years and especially these past few days/weeks.
@@yuandyuan1111 Hello Yuan, yes though I have to say I have decreased my obsession at last. I have come to the resolution that everyone is on a spectrum of narcissism, and that it only becomes pathological in a minority of cases. Once you start recognising the unhelpful, self-destructive, destructive and unpleasant traits of the narcissistic side of your personality, it's not useful anymore to fixate on a diagnosis or the label itself. It's much better to find helpful ways to research, observe, accept and then release when possible your internal patterns. To me the mindfulness model is very helpful. As it is the concept of pendulation (from Somatic Experience) and self-kindness, self-compassion.
@@burntoats Hi. that's good that you have decreased your obsession about npd. i wish i could come to that too. i don't fully understand your comment because i'm still at my phase where i'm literally slow and kind of retarted (makes me believe that i'm on the lower spectrum of npd) i'm becoming more hopeless about my healing. it sucks when you are getting worse as the day goes by and you don't know what to do about your bad and toxic behavior. i'm still waiting for my mom's update about a mental health professional to have a consultation, but i'm afraid that the doctor might just recommend pills. and i saw the doctor's post about bpd and npd, i'm afraid that he's also demonizing and stigmatizing both PD's.
@@burntoats i don't know if i make any sense about my reply because it's really difficult for me to construct a sentence, especially when i'm talking verbally. but any chance that we could talk? like on ig or something? i'm very desperate about my condition. thank you in advance if ever
@@yuandyuan1111 Hello Yuan, I'm sorry things are so difficult, and I think I can partly relate, although I must be much older than you are. I'm not sure I could help in any way though, as I've got my own struggle and I don't want to give you any unhelpful advice. I would really recommend to find a counsellor that can support you, and if you have to go through your mum's, please make her understand how unwell you feel and how important this is to you. Also, there might be charities in your city/town that help with mental health support? I'm sorry not to be more helpful, but I'm not a professional or particularly wise, and I think you need help from someone who really know what they're doing. Big hug and best wishes. PS The only thing I can add is that by the sound of your messages, you are worried about your behaviour and mental health, and this means that a big part of you wants healing: that's probably the best way to start! So please trust that you have it inside you to heal.
Great episode!
Thanks, and thanks for watching!
Hey, can you please elaborate about narcissistic personality style? first time I hear this term.. I can't find any information about it?
Hello Dr. Ettensohn, Do you have an opinion, or know of any work that touches on Asperger Syndrome being connected to NPD? Do you think it is possible, that a person diagnosed with ASD could in fact be NPD? Or even both? I would be very interested to hear your view or a reference to this subject. Thanks. This video was very insightful. Thank you.
I’d be interested in knowing your view of media images of disabled (the “supercrip” image) and their contribution to narcissism. I have cerebral palsy, and became obsessed with becoming a syndicated cartoonist largely because cerebral-palsied people don’t do that. I never made it, and that’s mortifying. I feel as though I let my fellow disabled down.
None of those. Although, I do have a tendency to be alone. A Lot!
The devaluation is part of the individualation of the self that can never be completed.
❤
Is there hope for those at the higher end of the spectrum to overcome these deficits? I have really bad self esteem and tend to let it control my thinking / worldview. I meditate a lot and try to be realistic about what others think / my place in the world and it helps a lot.
There absolutely is hope. 🙂
Hi m! I live in China but I'm not Chinese. So I can't reach a therapist here cause I wouldn't understand a word. But I desperately need help because my behavior has been destroying my life. Is there any reliable help online? I would really appreciate some recommendations. Thanks so much for your content.Gives me hope. I'm almost scared to believe I'm not as bad as they say lol. Blessings
Hi! i'm from philippines and also struggling with my behavior because it's really affecting my life in a negative way. I might sound crazy or insane but is there any chance that we could talk? it's a hell for me to be like this, especially not being diagnosed by a mental health professional.
Hi Mark. What type of therapy is beneficial for the narcissist themselves. I'm guessing some form of psychodynamic therapy? Would family systems therapy be good too?
There is no ‘gold standard’ treatment. MBT and TFP are two manualized approaches based on psychodynamic principles. Third wave CBT approaches like DBT or ACT are also sometimes used. I practice psychodynamic therapy from a primarily self psychology and relational perspective.
Well I'm perfect so I can't be.
Boom.
I like your podcast. The intro music runs a tiny bit long in my opinion. I would keep to 15 seconds. The podcast itself is drastically too short but I'll take what I can get 😋
I like the short and easily digestible videos. It's not like Dr. Ramani's channel where she rambles endlessly about what a victim everyone is who has been w/ a narcissist, who is described as plotting against their victims from the beginning. I got very hurt by my ex, but I don't find those channels satisfying. I hope he finds help someday and I just want to heal. This doctor does some very long interviews on other channels. Just saw one on the Nameless Narcissist channel.
Well, the answer, it seems, is that I very well could be. I guess I'll find out when therapy enters the budget.
I would imagine for the most part a true narcissist would lack the introspective to even ask the question if they're a narcissist.
Narcissism is about unstable, unrealistic self esteem and maladaptive strategies to manage self esteem. A person can have these issues and also have insight. Many of the patients with whom I work in my practice are very introspective, but lack the internal resources to manage their self esteem issues and emotional dysregulation. Thanks for watching.
I avoid other people and use to have grandiose thinking. I feel I have alot of empathy however. Could I have NPD?
The doctor said in a short that some w/ NPD have empathy. It could be more cognitive empathy you have though. You'd have to be honest w/ yourself about what people tell you. Do others tell you you're really hurtful and selfish? Do you have a wake of bitter exes behind you, but you likely more feel you were the one done wrong?
Does having emotional empathy makes things different?
Very prominent voices in the online realm of narcissism (such as Dr. Ramani or Sam Vaknin) would vehemently disagree with you on the issue of the treatability of this disorder and reinstatement of the Self. I'm wondering what you're basing your opinion on.
I reconize my 42 year old daughter
What about the highest spectrum? Psychopathy?
At the most severe end of the spectrum would be psychosis.
@@healnpd but it's also cluster b isn't it?
@daviedood2503 Yes, and cluster b disorders share some features in common. When thinking about severity in personality disorders, I use the concept of personality organization. This is a spectrum that goes from psychosis on the most extreme end, to relatively healthy and adaptive functioning at the other end. At the most extreme end of the pathological narcissism spectrum, things like paranoia and grandiosity are often amplified due to difficulties with reality testing (i.e. psychosis). There is likely to be a lack of remorse and profound deficits in empathy as the person will be so consumed with narcissistic preoccupations that they will be unable to relate to others as separate individuals rather than extensions of the damaged self.
@@healnpd i kinda believe i have many traits you mention sfter this video i am more sure of it :) and this makes me super aware of everything i say or when i am not aware, super anxiety of anything i said would be understood in a particular bad way. are brief moments of paranoia considered as psychosis? i am very scared of this. also i have a lot of obsessive line of thinking and the more i read about npd and think about npd and the more i feel delusional. when others as passive aggressive towards you of sth that you feel like you caused just by some behavior around them? like i am depressed heavily and sometimes feel from some people that i am shallow superficial and just wanting attention, not genuinely caring and emphatatic to them. the way i talk or engage with others around them feels like i am in the hunt sometimes. i interpret these moments as they are hostile towards me. this causes some sort of isolation. and this happens with people i open up before. i kinda seek for validation that there is no problem btw us and it is just a normal version of themselves. and i know that this is the case usually. i feel like i wasnt like this before, all this kinda started when i had bad episodes of delusions with substance involved couple of years ago. untreated 2 or 3 episodes and well as 1 panic attack. and all this are just delusional beliefs and iknow that they are even at the time but still caught up with them occasionally.
Can two people with NPD have kids that DONT have NPD?
Sure the other option is for the kid to be codependent which imo is worse
Bingo, now what?
Too many adds.
I want to heal. Please help.