2 Unexpected Ways to Stop Sabotaging Yourself
We often observe self protective strategies in ourselves with a mixture of puzzlement and embarrassment. Why are we like this? Why can’t we be more normal? What’s up with us?
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FURTHER READING
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“There’s an enlightening and sometimes slightly painful exercise one can do by oneself to learn a bit more about the origins of how one feels and behaves.
Pick out an emotional skill or habit that you know you’re not very good at - and write it down on a sheet of paper. Here are some examples:
- Staying calm
- Taking pride in yourself
- Trusting
- Missing people who go away
We often observe these traits in ourselves with a mixture of puzzlement and embarrassment. Why are we like this? Why can’t we be more normal? What’s wrong with us?”
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CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
Léon Moh-Cah
leonmohcah.com
Title animation produced in collaboration with
Graeme Probert
www.gpmotion.co.uk
Interesting, it seems the reason why many people are afraid of making mistakes now is because it wasn’t safe for them to make mistakes when they were children since they would be criticised or condemned if they did.
100% me. I'm 33 years old and achieved nothing in life. I know this stuff and still can't change much. It's so hard to change old patterns.
@@andisbimaxtwinning!...sad lol.
Exactly, I’m 32 and it’s so hard for me to try new things or take chances because I’m afraid of not doing it right. So I just stick to what I know but it doesn’t feel like enough and it is so hard to change since I’ve been like this for 20 years
The fear of rejection or condemnation is overpowering. That same fear in social situations is always present. Why do we believe the worst people say to us, instead of the good? Being told you're never good enough and not deserving of attention.
hmmm....true. I had both. I'm 85 and STILL fighting off the 'effects'.
I recently rediscovered your channel after you went on the Diary of a CEO podcast. Oh my God, that was what I have been trying to figure out why I self-sabotage: to avoid people being jealous and bully me, this is no longer valid. Now I know and can actually take control of my life.
Congratulations you have found it
What episode
@@jaxturdanerd6253Titles ‘The Love Expert’; uploaded 4 weeks ago.
It is the best interview of that channel,n no doubt.
@@anacarolvp cool, thank you
Identifying these triggers is half the battle! We can do this! Good luck everyone
That's such a nice thing to say
No trigger can self-sabotage anyone. A trigger is just an impulse and being aware that something can feel a certain way doesn't stop you. Technically can't nothing stop you when you dare to experience life. Every experience teaches you something about yourself and is supportive, simply because you can learn from it and use what you have learnt later on. As well as you can share what you have learnt with others,which lead to more self-confidence. It's pretty simple and nobody needs a video for it.
I've gotten good at this. But it's also important to accept yourself as you have triggers. Don't respond by admonishing yourself for having been triggered.
hell yeah, good luck to you too!
@@johnnamkeh1290 Nobody has triggers. People can be triggered by the external.
I shed a few tears at the end of every video of yours. Not out of sadness, but out of relief. Your videos feel like a comforting hand on my shoulder that I wish I had growing up, telling me things will be okay.
Good way of putting it 💪
Couldn’t agree more
A note for the video editor: The last 20s or so of animation are being wasted with that transition to the merch + the KZhead next video suggestion. It would be nice to be able to enjoy the animations along with the narration until the end.
I second this.
Yes, other channels do extended black screen endings for this purpose. School of Life could do the same.
Yes, other channels do extended black screen endings for this purpose. School of Life could do the same.
Facts.
ABSOLUTELY. I've many times quit a program when that tail-end 'stuff' comes up. Hey, Marketers: if you read this, there are lots of us with the same question; for the record, I DO watch that 'end stuff' when I am interested.👋
I struggle a lot with self-sabotage and this is quite enlightening! When I was a kid, it was impossible for me to make a mistake. My parents would mock me and then ask why it was so hard for me to forgive myself for making even the slightest mistake imaginable. I spent a long time torturing myself, which I only realize now. I'd like to work in a space where mistakes are allowed, but I need adrenaline fuelled environments (office jobs are a no-no). I like the idea of working a manual job or in a kitchen, because if you don't do something properly, you're just told to do it again, and they'll take off your hands for that day if you really can't. I might feel slightly humiliating, but when I was a kid, I was mocked the first I try cutting a plank of wood at 5 years old because it wasn't straight. I just wish I had a second chance. I never had a second chance, so it seems. That's all I want, really. Why are people SO damn afraid of mistakes? Guess I answered my own question.
This is so horrible, I am so sorry. You deserve a second chance, and a third chance, and a 87th chance! We are only human, and always learning. And the best way to learn is to make mistakes, learn from them and then try it again ❤
You are free to give yourself a second chance. You owe it to yourself 💜
I'm happy for you that you've begun undoing this within yourself. Realistically, mistakes are initial steps in the required process taken to complete most things successfully. Still to this day my mother has a false assumption that one must know every step required to achieve the goal, prior to beginning. If I said I wanted to write a book, she would mock me and all who was going to publish it. My conscious adult self finds her ridiculous for this, but if course my younger self thought my desire to write a book was ridiculous, and gosh who will publish it. I realised all of this a long time ago, but am also still undoing this within myself (I'm 48). Realistically, clarity regarding each step only reveals itself in momentum of the act of working towards the goal, so all steps literally can't be known prior to beginning. In fact, all that's necessary is the first step, and often that one is a mistake in every way, bar the taking of it. Most of my growth in knowledge, wisdom, and understanding myself has been sparked by stories shared by others, and so like you, I leave this little story here. ❤️
Celebrate your mistakes
Failure is the greatest teacher and we fail to teach that lesson. Success teaches you little to nothing.
Marcus Aurelius said when you find a bit of wisdom keep it close at hand and re-read it frequently. I feel the same way about your videos. And I love how you always end on a button, timing is perfect.
Nicely put
I feel so sad when I come across wisdom, ponder on it and journal my thoughts just to forget it and know not when to apply it.
It didn’t feel safe to be calm, to be creative, to show myself because I was made fun of, bullied and abused
I feel sorry for you😢I hope everything will be fine from this day on🌸
@@jadijune9058 Thank you, I'm okay now. It was 14 years ago, I've understood the effects in last few years
When I was in elementary school, my father was gone throughout the week, night and day, and return on the weekends, for work. My mother is an alcoholic. I missed him dearly. He was the safe parent. He wasn't too emotionally available, but more so than my disabled mother. Fast forward to age 18, I go away to college, and my first love stayed behind. I couldn't cope. Just waking up to go to classes was even difficult for me. I ended up coming home the next year. My boyfriend and I were never the same, but I think if I had the emotional intelligence to be able to understand that I was at school for my future, it wasn't forever, & if we were in "true love" then it would sustain the time away. We learn so many things in childhood that make up who we are today. Acknowledging the good and bad helps us understand ourselves a bit better.❤
Missing people who go away is my biggest problem. I’ve never been ok with losing people even if they weren’t inherently good for me. It sits with my psyche, I pick at it and pick at it until someone new and fun comes along to distract me. It’s only then that I come to realize that I’ve wasted so much time, thought space, and emotions on someone who really didn’t have much power in my life without me giving it to them. I so desperately want to be more careless.
How are you dealing with it? Any progress?
with all due respect, understanding the reasons behind the problems doesn't make them disappear... They only (slowly) disappear when you manage to "re-program" yourself, step by step; which requires tons of energy, failures and comebacks.
so i want my 2 mins 22 secs + 2 mins i've spent writing these down to protest your "clickbait" back.
Simple understanding does not make problems disappear for people with trauma, however, understanding IS the beginning of change. Recognition is the first step on the road to recovery. Without understanding, it would be difficult to change.
You have to start somewhere...
True, everyone thinks that understanding it heals it when it doesn't actually do anything for you.
@@sjonuff not true, I changed I just naturally evolved myself up out from under it, I CHOSE to heal not live I it my mind/body did the rest all by itself, I had no knowledge no understanding and yet suffered nothing from my childhood abuse, because I just let my mind/body take care of itself as its DESIGNED TO DO without interference from the outside world. I also Intuitively knew to stay away from Dr types. Didn't need the world involved in my bodies own natural process, and before you jump on me I had every child abuse/trauma you could name happen to me. Including attempted murder in a vicious knife attack. Too tell the truth with all this talk talk talk talk of 'helping' people understand actually causes more harm than good. Considering EVERYTIME people listen to hear about talk about the trauma abuse, you are re -abusing yourself re-traumatising yourself because your brain/body knows no difference between it being in the past if your talking about it learning about it hearing about it your brain/body thinks its ALWAYS happening on a continuem, that it's STILL HAPPENING is happening right now. Every single time you revisit it your harming yourself, But this helps all the people profiting of keeping people traumatised trapped in their trauma. Harsh truth but it is the truth Live in memory or live in Life now you actually do get to choose this, and stay away from people that profit off abuse/trauma ❤
Can't go far without self-awareness. Brilliant video.
"Reflection is key to unlock celestial mysteries beyond the void veil." --Artemis (DD3) 🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
I can afford to take pride in myself because there is no longer anyone around to critique me over every little thing. I can afford to stay calm because she is no longer frantically breathing down my neck so I had to be just as frantic to ensure I care as much as she does about whatever is happening
💪💪
This is so true but glosses over a bit brusquely how much grief and anger there is to process in discovering these protective strategies. You don’t just pick off and flick them away :/
Its not therapy, its just a video
@@jenni4claire and…? Also School of Life literally offers therapy. This video is a therapy commercial.
I was thinking the exact same. I have been aware for quite a while about this in myself but that awareness didn’t just magically make the sabotaging strategies go away probably because there is something too scary about not having them anymore 🫤
You're right, awareness is just a first step but what if some coping mechanisms are so deep-buried that you are not even aware of them? What if you are in 'freeze-mode' whenever sthg good happens to you because you are so scared to feel that void again? I've been doing shadow work for a long time but I feel I still have much to face and anger to process, especially directed at myself (this is bad, I know) because I should have known better
There’s no doubt the end game is to sell therapy services. However, step one is awareness. You have to start somewhere and decide you’re willing to do the work to find a more peaceful life. We’re all f’ed up to a degree. It comes down to how much you’re willing to accept and how much you’ll do the work to better. It’s up to you.
Excellent, as always. Thank you. You have taken ideas that people spend years on in the offices of mental health therapists and condensed it into a couple of minutes in a way that is practical, tangible, and approachable. Now, mind you, even if people follow these explicit directions exactly, they will probably not "get it" quickly and miraculously transcend their pasts, but it is good, practical advice. I also like how you established that the behavior that is "negative" now once had "positive" value, namely survival. So many adults are still in survival modes from behaviors that they developed to survive their childhoods. Mere survival seems like a sort of half-life to me, though, like you are just sucking air, eating, sleeping, lather rinse, repeat until you die. I began the process of attempting to break bad habits that I developed during my childhood about 30 years ago. I will be 60 next month, and my 24 year-old daughter says that her favorite thing about her mother is that I am "so real." I guess I must be making some progress then. : ) I value authenticity above all else in this lifetime, and it is one of the things that I appreciate about this channel. You all treat the subject matter of your posts with a clarity and directness that gets right to the heart of the matter, which is a characteristic of authenticity as well. I also liked how at the end of this post, you addressed why it would be desirable to follow this advice. Change is scary, but the alternative, a half-life in survival mode from a narrative that was handed to you seems infinitely worse to me. Thanks again, School of Life. I really appreciate you. : )
I can't agree more!I am 58 soon ,keeping on track to get my real authentic life and there is no option.We'll get there!One day one try -curiosity and new exercises in School of life take us forward ❤
@@elenanikolic85 Heard. Word. Good luck with that very worthy endeavor. : )
This is what I learned in therapy!! It really did wonders for my present life. When I first started this, I was honing on how to fix the specific problems that I was facing, but the main takeaway is that our maladaptive coping mechanisms can be changed with enough reflections and taking actions to undo them. Life has so much for us to experience, and it’s really disappointing that I’ve been trying my damn hardest to protect myself against what my brain keeps making up. Oh well, the past is past and I’m giving myself grace for not realizing this any earlier, because it was such a long and scary exercise for myself. But at the end, it was really worth all the time taking a good look at my life in this way.
How do you change them? It feels so real although I know it's not logical
@@lallala6006 A good protocol is to do this every day at least once: identify a trigger situation; Analyse what your brain Thought, what you Felt, what you want to Change, and finally what is your underlying desire (to be accepted)
Please keep posting such practical exercises too every once in a while. It helps to put your theory into the daily life of myself as well as others. Wonderful as always. :)
Thank you ❤ for taking the time to help us and for doing it so gently and so thoughtfully. You have often been a helping hand when I was drowning.
Unfortunately, this is easier said than done. It's an automatic behaviour, and not always do we have the mental capacity to reflect on it. It takes a very long time to change and even then we often fall back into old patterns.
Although, if you recognize the pattern, that's the first step to healing. ❣️
That's because it's not something you're supposed to do alone. You need someone, like a therapist, to reflect back to you when you are operating in a way that is destructive. Also, try not to fall into making excuses, because making excuses could be one of *your* "old patterns". It doesn't take a long time to change, so much as it takes a long time for people to realize they need to change or for people to actually want to change. Change itself is instantaneous. You're either going to make an action or you're not. Relapsing into old behavior doesn't mean you haven't changed, it just means you fell short and you can make the choice to keep falling short or not. A man can smoke and do drugs for years, then go sober for even more years. All of a sudden someone passes away in his life and he decides to go on a bender again. The next day, he realizes that wasn't for him and he just needed that for one night ... I wouldn't say he hasn't changed in that situation. He just fell short. Be okay with falling short. Don't be okay with not making an effort at all. Have self-compassion. True self-compassion, not just the kind they promote online. If you don't have self-compassion, every time you fall short, you will fail to recognize the ways in which you *have* changed. Just because you've been partaking in the same habits for years, doesn't mean you haven't changed. Trust me you have changed. People who say people don't change, don't know shit about people.
@@academicstewart this is a great point. I feel this makes sense to me, feeling like you are set in your ways and haven't changed is an awful place to be, if you adopt a growth mindset and believe that you're still progressing even if you fall down now and then, then yes that's a great positive change.
this is so in line with cptsd recovery. also loved the video. not too long or short. and without distracting music, animation or sound effects.
Sir Allain de button. i love the voice. School of life. The best companion I'm with past 7 years.. Very kind person
Great tips. We must write things down, reflect, and create new habits as well as new way of thinking
Love your work, it’s inspiring me to create content but I need to build the confidence and remove myself from the mind. It turns out I have many flaws that have been self sabotaging mechanisms to keep me from growing. But here’s to self realization and ability to change!
2:22 minutes! Sums up a couple years of exploring books and KZhead videos 😅
Such a crisp and beautiful video..what could be said in lengthy passages and takes years of catharsis..u have managed to do it in 2 mins so effectively..thanks a ton😊
Thanks so much for your videos. They always give me good for thought.
So moving and true, thank you. When we discover childhood relics, then we begin to actually live an adult life. I use tapping almost every day (and also block therapy) and it’s an eye opener and a life preserver.
What a pleasant voice for this subject!! And how well explained and illustrated! Thanks❤
Agree. Soothing but light. Accent...South African?
Great video and advice. I realized after watching this I have subconsciously been doing the exercise without realizing it.
Oh Alain! Thank you so much for reading up this one. We love your voice and for us ADHD peeps, listening has more impact than reading. Aussi, votre bilinguisme me touche beaucoup. Merci pour tout - cela fait des années que vous décrivez les bobos des divers individus qui ont constitué mon enfance… Non wonder I’m the queen of self sabotage! :)
:( my boss is jealous and overly nitpicky, leading to the same shrinking I'm used to doing with my mom.
I didn't take pride in myself because it led to me getting badly hurt, and because I was told that parts of myself were weak and shameful, and also that they were a sin.
Thank you. I had a speech at work, I was very nervous about it. And people gave me comments on how I can improve and it made me very embarrased! I don't need embarassement in my life. I can grow out of this
these videos always make me think a little deeper.
I don't like going out. And when plans are made I get in a foul mood and anxious about how to cancel them. Using this exercise I realised that I don't like going out, because growing up there was always curfews. 8pm, which was embarrassing, so I told friends that I don't want to go, rather than admit I have such an early curfew. Later it became 10-11PM, but it was still followed by that same sentiment and I just rather not go anywhere. I don't think I was a daring and untrustworthy child, so who knows where that was coming from. Even now as a grown adult, when I say I'm going out my folks will stay up; be it 2am or later, and it makes me feel bad. So I don't go out. I don't make plans. I get annoyed when someone wants to make plans for me. Going out or wanting something, had always felt like it was something that they would hold over me. So I stopped wanting things.
Just wanted to give a shout out to the narrator of these videos. Their voice is soothing & is a perfect complement to the kindness of the message they deliver.
such a sweet and amazing video!!! this is such a good advise
Thank you!
Thanks for sharing.
This is great for those have borderline personality disorder with any attachment style, I was being jealous and my crush too, we’re both dating someone else and doubts she will miss me more. I’m guessing both of us self sabotaging our own bad situation (actually me).
I hope this works. I’ve been working on this, just from different strategies
Thanks! Nicely done.
This was short but very insightful! Thank you ☺️
Thank you🎉
why do videos keep getting shorter?
He’s healed the world. His work is almost done. Quality over quantity. 😊
It's good to learn to recognise these ways of thinking and having the perspective of knowing what their origins are.
OMG! So simple yet life-changing! ❤🤯🥳🙏
Wow…this is an amazing video. It really shows how you can be living in the past without realizing.
It does not feel safe to be proud because i would be riduculed for being so overly happy with myself.
Great timing as always 😢
This video found me at the right moment and saved me 😮. It showed me solutions to two of my problems
This is powerful.
Brilliant!
Thank you ❤
wow. this is so good. thank you.
I think I can relate to this or maybe not. Well, thanks for the video !!😊
This is the type of video that is the cause of so much self-doubt out there
Thank you
agree with others, understanding not gonna get rid of them. its extremely hard to change at will, it usually requires lack of other options or trauma
Excellent videos! right to the point! Thank you so much! Very helpful indeed!
I like your post. Thanks!
I really enjoyed the art style of this video
Always at the right time
if you can, i really recommend anyone watching this vid to look into shadow work that targets your inner child, it's a bit triggering but really helpful for breaking those negative habits.
Thank you. I've been trying to figure out stuff. This helps.
Writing these down takes their power away. Absolutely brilliant to face them and then dismiss them. I can’t believe the energy and time I’ve spent denying them which only gave them power. There’s no doubt the end game is to sell therapy services. However, step one is awareness. You have to start somewhere and decide you’re willing to do the work to find a more peaceful life. We’re all f’ed up to a degree. It comes down to how much you’re willing to accept and how much you’ll do the work to better yourself. It’s up to you.
Bad things: exist This channel: surely it must be your childhood
It's especially unhelpful for a person like me who was blessed with great parents and a good childhood. No one abused me or hurt me in the household, yet I have so much anxiety and anger and various mental health problems. I can't find the reason for them other than I was probably born with a very sensitive nervous system.
The way these comments are, I'm surprised he posts anything at all. People will complain about free videos that only took 2 minutes of their time!
Can you make more videos that are practical this way? Like involve a self discovery activity? This was really helpful
That does make sense. Very simple actually, but you just dont think of it that way, when this is something that have been with you for decades. I think i will try this, and see how it works.
1:55 yeah but letting go of those things is the hard part, that is much easier said than done. Even after the realization of the origin of these emotions and behaviors.
While 'I was raised this way' is a *valid explanation* for certain behaviours, it's *not a good excuse* to perpetuate cycles of self-deprivation and loathing. Just because something was part of your upbringing doesn't make it right. Ask yourself if that conditioning truly aligns with your current values. The bullying, neglect, and conditional affections you may have experienced-is that what you believe you deserve? Is that what you give others? Thanks for the video!
Hence the realization that what worked for us as children no longer work for us as adults.
this felt like a little free therapy lesson
Lol, I like how the coping with childhood trauma is at the end shown as a good behavior by a loyal employee from your boss. Your boss will tap you on the head "good boy" once you get rid of your childhood trauma and be better worker! What are you waiting for! Heal the trauma to be more productive! Lol... 😁
❤tnx
This video assumes we don't need these strategies anymore because we somehow, in some fairy tale kind of way, are now in a safe and nurturing environment. But if we really were in that kind of environment, then we would have overcome our problems and didn't need this advice anyway.
In order to change that you need so much Insight, understanding time and i think; help.
Great video🎉
This taps into trauma work and the things mentioned cannot be released by only cognitive strategies. These parts where protective and are locked into us as live savers. They need to be worked with.
Well, shit. It actually helped me understand more why I can feel so detached. I kind of knew but didn't think about it in a way that made as much sense.
A very good exercise 🙋
Thank you for this
I tend to unfollow everyone and delete all my posts when I get in self sabotage mode... It's sadly a call for "please notice me people". Deeply immature.
Self sabotage and discovery was a disaster it leads to drama. No more zoom calls or zones. Thankfully
makes sense but when your brain is now automatically wired to think this way after so many years, to try undo it is 100 times harder.
Fantastic!
This is a great video, but I do feel like it makes sense not to "discard" our protective parts. Instead, integrate them *into* your personality. For instance, recognising that your complete lack of pride is not very helpful, but some degree of humility is probably good too.
Hey! I have a question about this: why would imagining a reason for our reactions change the reaction? After years of therapy and selfreflecting, I think I learned a lot about the routs, but that didnt change i single reaction. I now only know more about, why those reactions manifest. Also what we think a cause for something might be might not have anything to do with the real cause. People are extraordinary good in findeing false relations. Astrology as a prime exemple for that. Is there evidence, that imagening causes in ones childhood has a better outcome than a Placebo? I hope my wording doesent sound harsh. Im realy courios, but not a native speaker. Greetings
I suppose it's similar to CBT. Figuring out the reasons for your issues is just one part of the puzzle. But in the same way as your caregivers have tried to convince you of these fallacies by repeating it until you have internalised the belief, you can undo it by starting to tell yourself why you ARE worthy of being proud of your achievements, why making a mistake is actually a way of getting better at a skill, not worse, why being good at something is ok, even when other people are jealous. The point is you are using the same technique they used on you. It takes time and although thinking these positive alternative thoughts works, it's even better to write them down or keep telling yourself in the mirror and be around people who reaffirm the new thought - that's why support networks are so important. That doesn't make it untrue or just a placebo (although some people convince themselves of the truth of wrong ideas) - it may be also good to write down evidence that leads you to the new conclusion (eg the most successful people harnessed their skills by making mistakes again and again, the only way you can fail is by doing nothing etc)
so far... keeping myself safe may be pretty limiting and lonely... but atleast... i rarely get hurt by others... its like... being invisible... and not existing... i can do whatever i want without people giving a crap and i can get away with it 😂
After knowing what do you do To get completely over those emotions
I assume the people in charge of creating these videos would be a nice group of people to hang out with, i'd probably feel understood for the first time in my life lol, such nuggets of wisdom in this one short video.
That's what therapists do 😊
@@thesupergreenjudy no thanks lol
@@Ciclopea2 😂
Without coin, connections, crews, clout, computer code, control, communities, and opportunities... you ain't goin' ANYWHERE. 💪😎✌️ That's just how it be, suckah. If you ain't rich, then you ain't sheet. Thousands of years of consistency, thousands of decades of reality. Acceptance is key.
Everything. 100%
the animation is so adorable
Although this could offer an insight into one’s life the path to a solution is quite difficult
Cute drawing ! It looks like "Les Shadoks" ^^
Wow. That was creepy. Answered 25 years of confusion, questions, guilt, heartache, in a 2 minute video. 🤷🏿♂️
You say those circumstances no longer apply, but HOW DO YOU KNOW?
In my life, the do still apply. Because I have a narcissistic mother who refuses to let me go. I still have to employ strategies to protect myself.
Check out the Captain Awkward blog for strategies - it's a common enough problem that you're not alone, and people have come up with steps and actions on how to get away and put them at a healthy distance. Hang in there