One Key Question to Liberate Yourself From Childhood
The most fundamental idea at the heart of modern psychotherapy is that in order to heal ourselves from our neuroses in the present, we have to understand what went on in our childhoods.
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The most fundamental idea at the heart of modern psychotherapy is that in order to heal ourselves from our neuroses in the present, we have to understand what went on in our childhoods.
Though this thesis makes impeccable theoretical sense, there is one enormous problem with it: amnesia. Simply put, almost no adult remembers a single thing that happened to them before they were three years old: countless days and nights, a succession of complicated moods, sensations and events will have vanished into thin air, like a library of precious books that is sent up in smoke or dumped unceremoniously into the sea. Furthermore, most of us remember very little of what went on before we were seven. This may seem like an obvious point, but it has momentous implications. A period that we’ve identified as extremely central is also going to be entirely nebulous…
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“If the path before you is clear, you’re probably on someone else’s.” - Carl Jung
MEANING?
🤔
actually joseph campbell said that
@@PronabDebnathPappu If it's our own path, one has to figure it out. If it is clear, that means probably it has already been figured out and belongs to someone else.
Doesn't sound like Jung
I recently started to work as a kindergarten teacher. Not something I planned on or wanted to do. But this has turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Working with children has completely changed my life. It started subtle at the beginning. Everyday I was with them I was analyzing them, trying to understand how they looked at the world, what kind of impact different things, situations and people have on them. This gave me a chance to analyze myself, my beliefs, my fears (My life in general)Where they came from and what shaped them. I understand myself better. This has completely changed my life for good. I am much more happier in my life. They were the cure to my depression. I feel free, liberated and much more in peace with life
It's so beautiful. I am happy for you! I hope I could find my way.
I think that's the sign of a great teacher: that you learn as much from your pupils as they learn from you. I'm happy for you.
you should write a well written book! [serious]
What a blessing, good for you. Reading your comment reminded me of 10 years ago, when I had the opportunity to work at a swimming school teaching children as a part time job while being in the university... I was 20 and it was the first time to me to have a group of children (7 to 9 year old) in my charge and it was such a loving, enriching and exhausting experience... Receiving so much love,energy and authenticity from those little human beings would let me so tired and so energised at the end of the day, and it has been one of the best experiences in my life... So I kinda get what you mean. Greetings.
This is so beautiful.Thank you for sharing
A lot of people only talk about parents but school is the place where most people got traumatized
Good point
School the special place for special grade curses definitely traumatized
Truth! Retired SPED Teacher w/Dyslexia & ADHD here: I was always accepted at home, school was terribly traumatic during the 90s. It's much better now because of awareness, acceptance, and supports... But I've had to hold many a crying teenager due to verbally impulsive teachers who never worked through THEIR childhoods.
you suffer only in the credences you give to these events, so long as you treat them as "traumatic" that is forever what they will be to you.
Totally true, most of mine traumas come from school and especially the class I was in for 8 years
See your parents as regular people like they see you. Especially when they display actions that show they don't know who you are. It takes away the illusion of what power you think they have and it makes it easier to move on. You can still love them but your life isn't determined by their thoughts.
Beautifully said, Brandon. 💌
@@aarathidesigns thank you very much 🙏🏿🙏🏿
Thank you for this
@@simgetheyoutuber you're welcome and thank you for reading.
Perfect. But dang it’s hard to get them off that pedestal.
Unfortunately trauma and neglect is memorable, even from the age of four. Although you may forget a lot of your childhood, its the abuse and bullying that stays with you. That's been my life experience.
Mmmm same
Yes
❤ I see you.
Yeah this is bullshit. I totally remember all the narcissistic ways my father made me feel rejected from a very young age. And yet despite knowing all about it, working with my inner child, journalling, listening to endless Eckhart Tolle videos, and years of CBT, I am *still* plagued with feelings that I just don't belong in the human race and I serve no purpose being here. All this 'your brain is elastic and you can rewire it' shit is just that - shit. My feelings of rejection were set before I was 3 and for all my childhood and teenage years after I was 3. They are fucking written in stone 😑
@@stangoodvibes True. I see you and hear you. Parental wound and rejection hurts the most. But what if you stop define yourself from that point of hurt and start living and give gratification to self for all the hurt and pain and try to be better with yourself. In cases like this only when we develop the inner parent to take over we can start feel ease and love. Love is universal and unconditional, we all have it inside. Sending you love. be gentle with self and your inner self.
All this sounds wonderful and you might think this solution would be quick. It's not. Both I and my partner have done this work our whole adult lives and, after more than 70 years, we still have stuff from our childhoods that affects our present. Just being aware of what happened doesn't make it go away. You have to actually let it go. And because your childhood traumas are physically part of you, this can't been completed by just using your brain. You have to experience it in your entire body.
I am in my 70s as well and only beginning to realize that my childhood was the source of serious issues in my adult life. You are right that understanding isn't enough to stop the torture living inside me. I don't know why, though. I read that certain parts of the brain were damaged.
Oh, I wish I had copied my original reply for you. I completed my doctorate in developmental trauma and every thing you have written here is perfectly correct. The best forms of healing work are not talking therapies but body work such as shiatsu, Tai Chi and others. We not only suppress our 'bad' feelings but, probably more often in these situations, our natural inclination to feel love, affection, joy. The body work goes directly into the body and has an enormously freeing affect. YOu are absolutely correct that these traumas are 'physically part of you.' It occurs, in short, due to heightened levels of the stress hormone cortisol in the developing brain, which does real damage to our brains and central nervous systems. The list of medical problems that can be traced to this is extensive. Thank you for your comment. I love that you and your partner share the journey of healing. That is a dream and a wonderful basis for living a loving and healthy life. Thank you! It gives me hope.
Why would I want to liberate myself from parts of myself? Thats dissociation. We cannot run, bury or burn our emotional memories.
@@SlimEstrada That is a very important point you have made. I didn't watch more than a second or two of this video but the title has its impact anyway. This is a very sensitive issue that, as you clearly understand, has a massive impact on peoples' lives at their most vulnerable. That always concerns me a lot! Just to add a bit to your comment, years ago, when my marriage ended, I had this flood of sorrow. I saw this therapist once who was one of those 'positive thinking' advocates. While there is no harm in constructive thinking, I agree that there is harm in thinking that anything that doesn't feel like utter joy, is 'negative'. I embraced the grief because it comes from one of the best 'parts' of myself (or traits to use a better word). If I did not feel grief, I cannot have felt love. Respecting and validating our emotions, while ideally having solid professional support when needed, is genuine healing as opposed to an ideology or theory. A clinical psychologist I know uses this amazing question: 'What was that like for you?' It's not a gimmick. It genuinely allows people to experience and re-connect with their own humanity in an accepting way, often for the first time in their lives. There is a book called The Power of Negative Thinking by psychologist Tony Humphries that endorses essentially the same ideas. You may already be familiar with it but I want your message/comment to get as much emphasis as possible. You stated it perfectly, in my view, and with great impact and succinctness.
Love everything about what I just read thank you
The best book I have found on this is "Growing Up Again: Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children" by Jean Clarke. She outlines the developmental stages of growth from birth onward, what different styles of parenting look like during those stages, and the outcomes of those styles. It helped me see clearly what I missed, when, and why. This helped me focus on things like my inability to make decisions -- I saw that I was not given guidance on how to do this when I needed it most. Instead, my parents made decisions for me during the period when I needed to learn to make them myself -- the reasons they did don't really matter; what matters is that I was able to find the right lessons now, as an adult, to help me learn to make decisions (instead of the coping mechanisms I used because adult-level decision-making used to leave me incredibly anxious).
thanks for the book recommendation. will surely look into it
Thank you.
I will look this book up on KZhead because I am saving money for something else right now, but I understand when you said that your parents made decisions for you. I grew up without my dad, but my family is big, and they would always do everything for me. We even had a cleaning lady even though we are Mexican and live in a border town, but the family got their money together and that's what made the financial situation function. When it was time to eat, I couldn't fix my own plate, it was done for me, and I wasn't allowed to wash my own dish either. Once I was a teenager, I found it strange how my family kept wanting to do things for me. I volunteered on several occasions to go get groceries at the grocery store and my family said that it wouldn't be necessary, or it had been done already. I was told just to sit down and be quiet.
This is such a good book recommendation. I have had it a while and use it as a reference when I am feeling like my feelings don’t match the current situation. I appreciate how it is laid out to be practical and you can just read the sections that you need at the time.
This spoke to me deeply, going to check that book out asap
understanding your child hood is key to being able to move on towards adulthood, i’m in the process of it right now and it definitely feels weird to have more of an understanding of myself but it feels so good too. just like the video said you will feel so liberated in the present and that’s so important. hope everyone that reads this is able to be better than their parents while still remaining kind and courteous.
how can i understand my childhood
Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families is an amazing resource if you are really struggling.
@@CorePathway i second that
Only after sufficient investigation into the past, repeat this lie to yourself and you'll be able to move on: "I have no past, I only have a future." Your old baggage will lighten considerably more and more as time passes. It will be as though you have severe amnesia about anything negative in your past. Yes, you've addressed it, but the sweet lie, "I have no past, only a future," begins to train your brain to move forward with possibilities instead of using your past as a predictor of the future. People lie to themselves all the time and beleive them to great affect in achieving happiness and fulfillment. Don't be proud. Move on if you want.
Wow …so well put, and understood 😊
I'm in no contact with "my parents". It took me years to get to this and it is worth it.
I have always been aware of the neglect and abuse I experienced as a child. I cried a lot at the unfairness of it. I begged my mother to be kind to me. This awareness and knowledge does not help me. My life is still painful, I am still very much fearful of others criticism. Intellectually I understand the mechanism that drives my unhappiness. But I don't have the skills or vision to escape my false, installed in me by my caregivers, beliefs.
I feel ready for rebirth. 🐣
I totally understand you. I was be so frustrated as a child living in a home that was falling apart and the hoarding. The neglect on top of it didn’t help. Or my mother’s untreated depression.
Please try some body work such as shiatsu, which is enormously effective in reaching developmental trauma. All the Mind, knowing etc in the world will not undo the actual damage that was done to your developing brain and nervous system in that environment. I did my doctorate in developmental trauma and I can tell you, if it matters, that you DO have the vision to escape those false beliefs. It's terrible that so many people do not have access to the types of support that can really empower and physically heal them. This is not something that your Mind can remedy, only your body, so work on healing your elevated cortisol levels and practicing body work and gradually creating an inner resilience and calm, will change this for you. I find it also helps to remember a few things: 1. YOU are not and cannot be responsible for other peoples' behaviours and choices (that hurt you), 2. Of course you are hurt. Validate this for yourself! It is the truth and only makes sense that you are in pain and 3. Focus on you. Whatever is wrong with them is their work to do. Stay with you and if you can find a good therapist, they can help you create that safe space that is YOU.
@@sylviamontero6030 You just described my childhood and teenage years, every single thing. Im actually amazed
Please try "honest sharing" by Gopal Norbert Klein
My parents were present, loving, caring, supportive, etc., far better than most parents. School is where my trauma came from, school destroyed me not my parents. Can SOL make a video about that? Issues that arise from something other than parents? Please, I can’t be the only one.
Same ,I swear It destroyed me in every way possible. I still can’t recover from the trauma school gave me.
Ditto. Late primary school and most of high school fucked me up.
i thought the same about my parents until i did a deep dive and discovered that the issues i had in school were not being adressed properly by my parents, making those issues even worse. it changed my whole perspective on my parents. im not saying, in any way, that that is true for you as well. you know your life and your childhood and parents. just making a comment here because i feel it was related somehow :)
@@claraestrada5080 I so agree with your answer. If school turns out to be problematic it still comes back to parents/parenting. But at the same time it doesn't mean they were, bad or not loving. They just didn't see this issue and they did how they think was best... Which can still be harmful
Sami, what did you need that you did not get from your parent in consideration of your experience at school?
Finally! It's so good to hear your voice again, Alain. I was a little concerned about you. So happy to know that you are back! 😄❤️
ikr. Missed him so much!
Thank you Hritik. Alain remains very much involved with everything we do.
I do the lady voice injustice. I've never heard a voice so soothing as Alain's.
Welcome back to Alain! Having said that, really like Alain but also like really like the female narrator. The SOL can't be a one man show and surely people would not want it to be!
Also, the lady narrator has been lovely. No offense to her. It has been wonderful to listen to her as well. :)
I vividly remember my mom giving me baths in the kitchen sink. I would grab the faucet and move it back and forth. I felt so happy being so tiny and being cared for. The sunshine coming in through the window in the trailer made me happy too.
Awww. How awesome are you! ☺️ Your comment gave me huge joy. One of the loveliest things ive read on yt for very long time. Thanks for warming my heart today.
Insightful. I was bullied during my school years for long time. The worst part is that I didn't realize that I was bullied until a bully came to me and apologized after years of graduation from highschool. I still experience the after-effects of bullying in my behaviour but self-awareness is a key to undoing that.
How did you not realise?
@@shoutatthesky there are many forms of bullying. If it's happening for a long time, many people may accept it as something normal that they deserve until something happens and they realize that it was not normal.
I am so glad Mr. Alain de Botton's voice is back. The videos were just not the same without his soothing voice.
Hear hear!
Absolutely agree!
Please keep him as the only narrator I can't stand the female narrator. Her voice is killing me and i skip all her videos
Alain your voice 100% carries this channel
Absolutely ! haha
As adults we need to move beyond wanting our parents' love if they don't love us. As a child I was told I was emaciated, I was ridiculed for being small, and I was told "we're going to put you away in a home". One time my father drove past an orphanage with my mother, brother, and sister in the car and told me he was going to put me there. Not all parents love their children, or at least some of the time they don't really love one or more children. It is very hard to be the child they don't love. As a child we always want our parents' love, as adults we have to accept that people are flawed. They may not be terrible people, but they are focused on their own lives, not on being a parent or even trying to be a good parent. Being a parent is more of a duty, not something they are joyful about, it's something they have to get out of the way in life, it's not the center of their life and they don't want it to be. My parents are not the same young, overworked, and exhausted people they were when I was a child, and they do love me now. I forgive my parents and accept them, I don't want them to feel guilt for what happened in the past. I did not have a horrific childhood, but it was not a happy time. I have done my best to put it into perspective and that has helped me as an adult.
That’s very adult of you ❤️👍🏼. Thanks for sharing.
my parents were scaring me with putting me away too they sometimes left me with grandparents I didn’t like and one time they left me in a mall in the children’s corner, I panicked and called for help, they said they went nearby but they didn’t tell me, they snuck out when I wasn’t looking
Your story 😥...I pray to God that I could change my perspective as you did. Thank you for sharing.
@@FruityHachi That is a horrendous thing to do to a child. Way to go parents and grandparents. Im so sorry that you now have to carry that for the rest of your entire life because your adults couldnt get out of their own way
When my mom was in the hospital my father actually put me in an orphanage, my mom got better and came and got me, it really made me love my mother more esp looking back
I've cried so much recently thinking about how what I went through as a kid affects me today and the way I live and how relationships with other people go
Please listen to Gabor Mate. His theories are similar but he is more optimistic and calming
don’t get overwhelmed nacho ! it’s totally fair that you release your emotions but don’t put extra weight on your shoulders whenever is possible. you’ll be fine ! once you lived and were a way, now you can convert all those negatives things and make them your better allies! you cannot move forth until you make peace with your past. good luck ! 😉
It's so nice to have Alain narrate videos again.
Yes it looks like that i don't have to skip every single video recommended in this channel , unless it's more than a year old from now on
I remember my Mum saying I didn’t mind that my sister was getting a lot of attention when she was sitting and smiling at 6 months old on a rug and photos were being taken. I was next to her also smiling and quite happy but I remember feeling oh they’re not liking me as much. I was 3, my Mum wasn’t very bright.
I remember events in my life since I was sleeping in a crib, and some of it very unpleasant. By the time I was five I was arguing with my father about whether my mother loved me, and was quite adamant that she did not. This wasn’t a childish thought or tantrum. I was sitting up in my bed and firmly insistent of my truth. I feel then as I do now that my mom’s real love at that time was alcohol and release from her pain. My father started humiliating me at an early age for his narcissism was paramount and he was decades away from self-knowledge of his personality disorder. All this is by way of saying that remembering or knowing is just a start as it does explain the origins of low self esteem. Forgiving is the true key to release.
♥️
I like that. A good book to read, by the way is "Emotional Intelligence". Anything to help one see just a little bit more over that horizon that mystifies us.
Low self esteem and what I call "bad programming" - agree. Forgiveness I'm not there. My parents never owned their BS. My childhood and life could have been so much better...
Forgiveness is good. What worked out for me was acceptance of what has been and looking forward. Merry Christmas.
I recommend the following articles on Psychology Today: One, entitled “No, Trauma Survivors Don’t Always Need to Forgive”; and the other, “5 Reasons Why Trauma Survivors Shouldn’t Forgive”. Io Saturnalia all.
I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with the claim that because we fear something, there must have been a root cause in our childhood. I may be afraid of dark places, but that doesn't necessarily mean I was locked in a dark closet as a child. Be careful with being too certain of something. Do not convince yourself that there must be some repressed memories of abuse just because you are afraid of something. Being afraid of harm is natural and is a survival instinct. That being said, introspection is definitely valuable and exploring hard feelings is worth while.
This is describing psychodynamic or psychoanalytic types of therapy which are the first forms of psychotherapy (i.e., more classic forms of psychotherapy). Modern psychotherapy, including CBT, ACT, DBT, IPT, etc. do not focus much on our childhoods and rather focus on the present and future. It is also worth keeping in mind that our personalities are 50-60% genetic.That being said, I do agree that understanding the childhood roots of some of our difficulties is often helpful.
30-35 years ago personality was theorized and researched to determine 50-60% of personality but since then those numbers have been a lot lower.
The trouble is that we start villainizing ppl who perhaps dont deserve vilifying. No parent is perfect so now ppl start looking at ever negative trait their parent may have had and pin our troubles to that. This is what modern therapy keeps doing and it results in a lot of conflict that may be misplaced. I used to be like this. I watched a lot of video like this where we become investigators of our past and try see whos culpable. No doubt my family had issues, my dad in particular but we need to be careful as this is still theoretical as to how much an impact any interaction had. My sister grew up just fine but Ive had lifelong depression and I can already hear ppl shout that she was the apple of my dads eye etc etc and now everyone is a trained psychologist suddenly. More and more they are seeing how biology itself effects our behaviour and personality so we have to temper this type of stuff. Due process should matter in that we shouldnt just accuse someones behaviour as a reason for some trauma. Autism was used in the same way until they discovered a series of genetic information that suggested theres a far more biological component to it. Secondly, dont assume that now you've caugh the criminal that you'll suddenly grow wings and become a new person. This guy has spouted so much theoretical musings that have no concrete scientific basis. A lot of his ideas are heavily based on intuition with a side of science to go with it.
Well said. I find it scary that so many people buy this idea. Blaming others is easy.
SOL is not SOL without the soothing voice of Alain! so glad that he's finally voicing the videos again!
I like the woman’s voice too. I don’t know their names yet I liked her voice as well as this one too.
My mother died when i was 7 years old. My father was an alcoholic. Al my life i have been scared of dying young, and my loved ones..It is getting better now. But i realy hope that the school of life will make a video about the impact on a child, when a parent dies. ♥️
I clearly remember things from when I was a toddler and before I could walk, these memories are clear and have never changed in 70 years.
I hate the thought of being controlled. My mum was catholic and tried to bring me up with controlling religion. I didn’t work… I went the other way. I trained as a counsellor and had many clients whose lives were in ruins because of religious control. Any relationship I’ve had that is controlling doesn’t last very long! Thank you for this video, it’s extremely helpful 💕
My "NOTher" is demonically Catholic
Like many others, my own childhood was traumatic. I am 60 now, and for the first time only this year I started remembering my childhood as a happy one, in spite of hardships. I close my eyes, and recall everything good that happened. If before my childhood was like one black hole with no good memories, now it is mostly positive memories. I try to recall all the good people who I met and who helped me, all the friends, street plays, etc. and as for bad memories - accept what happened and forgive those who were involved in a negative way. I found this being so liberating and even joyful.
Great for you. I have forgiven but I still have to live minute in minute out with the brain damage. That affects how I eat, walk, urinate, speak....
So you're gaslighting yourself. Awesome! Glad it works for you.
Looking back, i realised where all my fears came from, fears of failure, fears of abandonment, fears of humiliation. I'm still working through them but it has helped me quite a bit. Once you begin to acknowledge your fears and its origins, you begin to look inside and ask why it happened. Hope this helps.
I was so shocked when I got older and found out that all parents did NOT hate their kids. I get kinda resentful (not proud of this reaction) that so many kids in my generation(60's- 70's) actually had parents who really cared about them and didn't tell them they were worthless . Kinda sticks with ya when you're brought up being told "you are nothing " "kids are sh!%" heard those lines 100's of times
I have missed his voice! I have used School Of Life to help heal so many of my past hurts. Thank you!
I dunno, I actually vaguely remember stuff from before I was 3 and the source of nearly every insult and horror between then and now and it has in no way "liberated" me from anything. Knowing WHY you are upset is not the same as knowing HOW to stop.
A suggestion if I may. Knowing why is good. The how part is difficult but maybe you could start with this. Forgive yourself. Forgive the part of you that was not able to deal with whatever the WHY was. Forgive the part of you that couldn't understand why these things happened to you. Accept that it happened to you, accept that it hurt you because you weren't properly informed on how to handle what was going on. This acceptance doesn't mean that it was ok. Your path to recovery starts now! You cannot create from a place of hurt and negativity which is the past. The past cannot hurt you anymore. Creativity only happens from the NOW. You are a beautiful spirit and you are worthy of all the blessings from the Universe. Remember these 2 things. It is not your fault people treated you badly, you did nothing wrong. Those people treated you poorly because of their own internal issues and turned it on you to make themselves feel better and forgive yourself!
@@georgeshumate8174 One part of the package...or journey to self awareness and possible healing (maybe one never fully heals unless they're a narcissistic psychopath?) is that everyone is not just an innocent victim but have done their own negative deeds whether purposefully or not, just through living it's going to happen. I find it throws a wrench into true self awareness and forgiveness, that we are not simply these wonderful white light beings, we are complicated and in order to move forward in a positive direction one has to come to terms with that. Maybe humans have a subconscious guilt of this and think that it needs to be paid. The spiral of self destructive behaviours.
I hear you.....
The best thing is to never be injured, but still anyone can improve. I read a stoic message today that went something like how you should allow your body to take things as it may, but to know that your mind is a separate force that doesn't have to go along with "all" of it's suffering. Knowing where some of my programing came from helps me "mentally" quite a bit, although my compulsive reactions are still there much more than I would prefer.
I remember my childhood since I was almost four, I remember all the pain and tears my caretakers caused me, i remember happiness too from things. That happiness never came from people and I just realized about it now as I’m taping this.
Having a very traumatic childhood with parents who abused me mentally and psychically i can say this, the only thing that had really helped for me is to cut my family completely out of my life as an adult…..had a lot of therapy trying to fix things, but only when I cut my family out I started to heal. You can’t heal having toxic people in your life. You don’t owe your family nothing, and blood is not thicker than water if they cause you harm. My friends who love me are my family. I’m 42 now, and for the last 3 years I have had a huge positive shift in my life after I cut them all out.
XOXOXO!!!!😘
We have nothing to fear but childhood itself. Rock on!
I have found limited benefit in recalling and understanding events. It helps a cognitive part in me to feel some level of satisfaction (I was gaslit a lot in childhood, so was always minimising the impact of certain events and experiences). What has benefited me the most is developing a relationship with the parts of me that hurt, or feel fear, anger, sadness etc, getting to know them and why they feel what they do and then sending them compassion and care for whatever they went through. This is a principle in Internal Family Systems therapy and I highly recommend it.
This is what helped me the most to.
@@annemurphy8074 I’m so glad! Thank you for replying to my comment. I love to hear success stories.
IFST, how is that any different than just talking to the other people in your head? Your internal roommates? Oh wait, they "don't exist" and "you're making it up!" (my therapist, on hearing about the situation in my head, and explaining to me that ifst would be what I needed after EMDR)
@@SarafinaSummers sorry to hear that. Maybe time for a new therapist?
Finally being diagnosed with ADHD and ASD and realising my entire family also had these issues helped me understand what was going on in my childhood. I knew I was weird, but now I know why.
I’d like to add Janet that your family likely was more self oriented rather then common society oriented. What you align to, you’ll become sooner or later. If my family orientated to tv for example… or a corporate job… we’d be like them over time. I’m only providing another view, your inner happiness is linked but not directly to “fitting in”… to a select group or style. Your happiness is your own, but getting along with others n vibing… it’s about alignment, and that’s a type of training, conscious or unconscious. You can copy your way into a society, group ect… bring yourself… that’s a non stop journey of discovery and mayhem… It’s m on that journey, I’ve also done some aligning… being myself is profoundly better. My family is also weird, yet loved thru our businesses. It’s also when we have had the best behaviors, via the businesses. I’m surrendering to this now. Solopreneurship is legal… Hunt or farm your outcome;-) Back to you. Thank you for sharing. It’s helped me except myself n family better. Excellent words!
The insight that keeps on giving. I've spent my entire adult life excavating but also running from my childhood due to the painful and terrorising flashbacks of a violent childhood. Prior to the age of four I recall there was relative peace and harmony and the one and only time I received a Christmas present from my parents. I first became aware of the coward's violent temper when I heard my mother's desperate screams. I witnessed the coward's hands wrapping around her throat. I ran screaming from the house but there was no where for me to go. I stood in the backyard hearing my mother's screams above my own. I have never felt so alone before or since. I was rooted to the spot not knowing where or what to do. While terrorised I decided to intervene. I ran back to the porch, got half way up the stairs but there I faltered. My tears were reduced to my cowardice. No other person has ever known of my attempt at rescue, at age four. Ever since then I have held the coward, and all others like it in contempt, along with the weaknesses of governments to put a higher priority on domestic violence. The road has been unsteady and uncertain but uplifting. Like Nietzsche said, 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. Today I am the best I have ever been. Due to my in depth self recovery a cloud of ignorance was recently lifted from around my head. There is hope.
'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' I hate that sentence because it's inherently flawed. Something may not kill you physically, but it does kill something inside of you mentally. What's left is coping and it may not be optimal.
@@sblijheid Yep. There's a dark and lonely place that I had difficulty talking to with my dearest and nearest so I kept alot of it very much to myself. Suicide was a consideration, I'm so glad I didn't. Unlike three close relatives of mine due to childhood abuse. I hate being called a survivor, because my trauma was avoidable. I am finally free of the terrorising memories that once dominated my thoughts and actions, unfortunately with a lot of the next phase which is regret and self blaming. That too will pass as answers reveal a path forward. The doldrums never do anyone any good. Take care.
It sounds like you're doing good work -I know how hard that is. Have you watched any of Gabor Mate's You Tube talks? For decades, he has studied childhood traumas from the inside out, having personally experienced his own. I find his perceptions really to the point, unique and helpful.
Amazing video I like it....thank you so much
Thank you......
Very education channel....thank you so muccccchhh...
I do remember what happened to me before the age of 7, wish I didn't but I do. I am still recovering/processing those horrific experiences, it has not been an easy journey but one I have had to take.
Not something I generally comment on, but the animations in the video were truly amazing and super creative. Hats off to the designer!!
Good to hear Alain's voice after such a long time.
OMG so happy to hear this voice....Such a good surprise for today ! Please come back!
Why is it that the more I understand where my trauma was coming from and why I am the way I am, the more painful it is to me? It made it harder for me to overcome. I have these thoughts of why my parents thought I deserved to go through such terrible experiences in my childhood that resulted to distrust, poor self-esteem, and a negative perception about myself. I'm almost 30, been single for 4 years, every time I met someone new I pushed them away before they'd abandon me. I can't seem to trust myself that I can be loved truly and wholly with all my flaws and imperfections.
Without knowing you, the readers of your comment can only guess. For me I realized that my parents were badly flawed themselves, and that they weren’t spending their every waking moment trying to give me the best chance of a happy and fulfilling life. They were living their lives while also taking care of my needs. I released a lot of resentment towards them, and feel much better. I hope your parents aren’t monsters, and they just made some mistakes along the way. I hope you find peace.
I had to turn towards the pain and grieve it. If it is too much, get a good therapist. It really does help, and it does get better, I promise you that. I'm doing well now. I put a time limit on my sadness. And on my calendar, it reminds me everyday, New Life. Hugs to you
I agree, I think it can be v difficult as it’s so easy to wallow in the memories. Working through things myself.. hope things work out for all of us struggling
It's a painful journey, no doubt about it - I'm 74 and my life has been much like yours, going on what you've written here. Sounds like you're going through the hardest part now. If that's making life just too miserable, talking with a good therapist can be very helpful. I've used this options several times in my life, and it helps. I remember once, saying to my therapist, "Does all this ever go away?" And she said, "No, but it does get better. It's like peeling away the layers of an onion. You put an outer layer in a perspective that works for you, and then, at some point you work on the next layer." This has turned out to be absolutely true. For me, the key to being in a relationship that isn't just absolutely so terrifying that I sabotage it, is to totally accept and truly love all those parts of myself that my mother taught me to not accept and hate. But I'll tell you what's been the kicker, for me, is that the best place to do that work on myself is in a relationship. I've had to summon more courage for that than for anything else in life. But the more I do it, the better it works - what we find terrifying, some other people find completely OK. Of course, finding the right partner goes a long way, one who is willing to do their work. You'll get there! And when you realize you've peeled away a bit of a layer, give yourself a big pat on the back and really take in the fact that you can do this.
This came just about the time I needed to hear this. Thank you so much
We're very glad you found our film useful
I think the best way of curing is to be loving to our own children and other people, no matter the past. The love we give will come back and heal us.
I’ve surprised my mother with clear memories of some traumatic events that she was directly responsible for well before I was three years old. In fact, some of those memories go back as far as before I was able to walk and spent time in a crib. It’s unfortunate that some memories are unforgettable.
Example
I would go so far as to say that I hate my mother for my upbringing.
@@LeilaLamb why so
I told my mom I clearly remember being beat up by her multiple times and she swears it never happened. I KNOW she's lying but I have no way to back it up
@@RNCHFND which country is she from and which country are you in right now
Ironically, I can remember many things before the age of 5. Those experiences has helped me with my writing today. My first word a was ight, I was walking at 7 months old. My grandpa was Cherokee Indian. I learned many things through him. Other family members did not understand the connection my grandpa and I had. I remember him fondly and with much admiration. Thank you for this video. Life is a journey. ❤
Whilst painful childhood memories can cast long shadows across our adult lives, positive ones can provide solace and reassurance in difficult moments. We're glad you have such warm recollections of your grandfather and earliest years.
I'm part Cherokee from the eastern band, and I too remember many things before the age of 3. Sadly, most of it is abuse from my addicted parents. I was reading by the age of 2, and loved to color, paint, loved my dog, etc. I have a lot of aversion towards my parents but I remember as a small child that I would have done anything for my mother- no matter the cost to myself. Understanding and having support have helped me heal. I agree that life is an amazing journey!
@@dbg0206091 Same here except I wasnt exceptional or gifted in any way. My mother was mentally ill and a narcissist and my father was a brutal man that did my mother's bidding. I did energy therapy in 2019 and was diagnosed with chronic PTSD. It took 3 years and a lot of introspection to accept, understand and make sense of that diagnosis. I had absolutely no one in my immediate family, as far back as I can remember, that I could connect to; and that defined my life of being a loner of sorts, find it extremely hard making friends and picking the absolute worst romantic partners for me. I am in my seventies now and I have begun the process of acceptance. I am working on the grieving process of losing what might have been...only if. I have forgiven all the abusers in my life except my mother because she was exceptionally brutal toward me and it was absolutely intentional. I dont really think about any of them anymore and as you said, I too believe this life is a journey, an adventure and a lesson in self discovery. Through all the reading and research I have done to reconcile my past experiences, I have come to accept that I am a Conscious Being inhabiting a material body for a short while to have the privilege of having this experience.
I also remember things before I was 5 yrs old. They are all traumatic events.
I also recall memories from under the age of 3yrs old. I have told a couple of them to family members and they check out. I have for the most part been someone who thinks outside the box all my life.
One thing I noticed from my secondary school classmates was that people who found happiness and fulfillment in their environment tend to stay in their own country more. They have emotional attachments to the people and place that gave them pleasant memories. They are more willing to stay in a place near to home and have strong connections with their family members. I am the total opposite. I was a lot happier once I left. Although leaving home meant that i had a lot of things to worry about, i was happier because i could be myself in a place where no one knows me.
Totally agree with you. I have a similar experience, left my country at 16 thinking I would be happier because I had unpleasant moments and starting over where no one knew me was attracting. I am 20 now and couldn't reach happiness and comfort that I was seeking yet. Turns out it wasn't just people it was also some internal and mental problems (which were actually caused by the environment there) that made me unhappy there.
Mother natures gift; that we can’t remember most of our childhood? I think so many adults starting from now can actually make more a difference to their own life pathway - I went ‘no contact’ with my abusive ‘blood’ family, relatives, religious community as a middle aged adult, it’s been truly liberating. Having had a childhood with a lot of social services involvement, I can share that ‘remembering’ has been destabilising, and having traumatic memories in front of me as I went through EMDR has been hard. And that’s why I think a gentler approach can be kinder to ourselves. Though as the season changes and the adverts start showing glowing happy families, I’ve learnt to create new traditions for me and my kid. Freedom is not easy, truth is painful, but as an independent adult I get to choose my life, who I pray to; and I wish I’d done this much earlier 🌟 ‘it’s a lie that gets shared too often that you are nothing without your family’ my life really started when I exited my family - it was like a rebirth, I’m still living in that joy of being able to wear what I want, to work and keep my own job earnings, to choose everyday to be me 🙏
EMDR did nothing but retraumatize me every two weeks and make me have to psych myself up for every session.
3:40 the list here is all bad experiences arising from the (implied? deliberate?) unkindness of others. I think it’s also useful to look at environmental traumas, misunderstandings, accidents, self-led misadventure, unintentional harm etc as well here.
For me, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprogramming) therapy has been the best technique for recovering and exploring extremely early trauma memories. During the sessions your brain automatically prioritizes the core memory and organizes a chain of related memories for you. By revisiting the core memory you desensitize yourself as an adult, then you actively reprogram it by reframing it to your younger self. Once you've activated the process the rest of the memories along the chain are automatically reprogrammed over a course of a few weeks so that none of them are distressing. It's fascinating. It's like travelling down your personal timeline and altering the past.
I had major medical trauma when I 3 and a half, and several SAs as a child. I still don't remember much of what happened, but this was a big part of working out and accepting that it did
Hope you are better sweetheart
Hey, super sorry to hear that. Have patience and compassion for yourself as you deal with the aftermath. Healing takes time and is bumpy but it’s worth it.
Thank goodness for Alain de Botton🎉
I felt like I was never good enough for my mom. It's not like she told me straight up that I wasn't good at anything, as a dyslexic kid growing up she really pushed hard for me to do good in school. Which isn't inherently a bad thing. But I always felt like the things that I enjoyed, and the things that I would rather do in life we're second best to what she wanted for me. I got in trouble a lot at school because I struggled with dyslexia, and I got punished a lot for it. I felt like I was never good enough for anything. So, subconsciously I feel like I'm being judged if I'm good enough or not. And being reminded of my dyslexia is a big trigger.
I hear you.
I have Dyslexia too, and a constant feeling of inferiority. As I gotolder I realized that the times I would find a other person with Dyslexia I'd learn a little more about it and myself. Finally I decided the best thing I could actually do is to learn all I could about being Dyslexic and what I found saved me. There are a LOT of good things you can do you will discover that our nurotypical friends and family can not do. Hopefully you already know this but being Dyslexic is not a bad thing, the world was framed for nurotypicals not us, so the values given the most meaning by friends, family, peers, and the education system is theirs not ours. BTW There are far more billion and millionaires who are Dyslexic then you'd at first believe. Please take this msg in the manner it was given, thank you and good luck!
So I have always known what bothered me from my childhood but it still didn't save me. I knew it wasn't my fault but it didn't stop the self doubt
Yes, it is the doubt that is destroying me. I can see that things were very wrong in my childhood and yet I feel wrong for believing that I was not loved. Like I'm an ingrate and should be grateful for what I got and not hurt by was was denied: love, affection, interest in me, a feeling that I was wanted.
I have memories going back to around a year old and full memory from age four onwards. People don't believe me when I tell them this. My sister was abandoned in an airport when I was a toddler because she was 'difficult'. I grew up terrified that I would also be rejected for being 'difficult' and have since wrapped my social masks around fitting in. Even now it's hard to let go of those masks.
Same here. I was born at 28 Weeks gestation and so spent a lot of time in the nicu. I also am blind and so am supposedly more intensely aware of things inside my body and around me.
@@SarafinaSummers that's fascinating!
Remembering is just the very START of a new journey toward letting go of what we discover...and embracing the present day through a new perspective. Childhood traumas and their subsequent adult behavioral dysfunctions and distortions can be mightily difficult to heal.
This entire series has been amazing. So many great points, so direct, so fundamental as to addressing why we are the way we are, why recovery can be difficult, but how it can be done. No magic bullets, but some solid principles to help chart your path.
Glad to have Mr. Alain back!, useful question...
Wow what an amazing animation. As an illustrator and beginner animator I only had eyes for this wonderful visual solutions the creator has found ❤
I was in ipsychoanalysis and was able to retrieve a crucial unconscious memory regarding my biological father’s abandonment and being loved by an uncle who was my caregiver for 6 months BEFORE THE AGE OF TWO!
Where did you get it?I am unable to recall about my early childhood whenever I tried I have been trying to get the memories back. Also few years back I forgot some of the people I had known before and then recalled back later after
@@wearealive796 psychoanalysis is a long and complicated process. You have to be willing to face the hurtful emotions with a trusted psychiatrist/therapist. I was abandoned 3 times by the age of 2, so the actual memories weren’t accessible. I physically somehow felt the love my dear uncle had given me.
Perhaps the most important detail missing in the video is that this process is very, very hard, tedious and takes a lot of time. As always, fantastic video, I have nothing but praise for your work,
Self-examination is CRUCIAL in adulthood. I had to go through this recently after an event triggered that inside me. Fortunately the person who got me thinking didn't mean to do any harm, and what we did was mutual (let's just say we flew too close to the sun as friends so to speak), but I had no choice other than to self-examine after that instead of burying it away again, or for any longer. Burying an awful experience from childhood from 30 years ago wasn't letting me move forward with relationships. Especially with this person. Now, I understand myself better, recognize what happened was NOT my fault, and I have an even closer best friend than I've ever had. Now I get what a real true friend can do in life, versus one that is very much not your friend, abuses you, and does bad things. I feel so lucky at long last to have that now, and closure on things that happened to me back then.
These video's are a work of art. From the soothing voice, the animations and the content. Everything is 10/10
I have many memories of being a baby and my early childhood. I’m shocked to hear that other people don’t.
Yes, I don't know where these researchers get this info. I can remember when I was about a year old and stood up and looked out the front door. I can remember several things from the house we lived in when I was between about 2 and 4 - my mom coming down the stairs with my new little brother (who is 11 months younger than I am), sitting on my dad's lap listening to music, the death of my parent's friends dog and splashing in a big mud puddle in the driveway. And the number of memories just goes up from there....
My earliest memory is sitting on the kitchen floor and looking at the starry patterns on the linoleum. I remember kids running away from me saying I had a dirty diaper and then they picked me up and hung me on a fence and left me there crying. (Baby’s first crucifixion). And snapdragons and sweetpeas and sleeping in sunbeams… And hearing my mother gasp as I fell into a lake and sank to the bottom.
Apparently many people don't have an inner dialogue. Y'know like mentally talking to yourself and thinking. Some people think in colors...I can't remember what they call that. It doesn't surprise me a wide swath have no memories at certain ages.
Yes. The exact quote from the video was “almost no adult remembers a single thing that happened to them before they were three years old.”
I don't remember anything before the age of five. I went to hospital, a strange environment. Our toys were all stored together, so some got lost. I was away from my family, only for days. But this is still such a distinct memory for me that I think it erased any earlier memories. I'm retired now.
When I was less than 4 years old, my parents (who are really caring and lovely people) made me travel with them (they were actors and went on tours) and coached me on a lot of stuff (we played games on trains): so at 4, I could read, write, count, solve a lot of puzzles, etc. And because of that (I think) I have a very good memory of my very young years. My parents never really realised that I was gifted, they thought it was "normal", despite all the travellers who kept remarking to them: "but... how old is she? It's amazing what she does!" The only thing that terrifies me as an adult is losing my parents or not enjoying their jokes, their love, their presence enough. I have no fear about myself. The injustice of speciesism terrifies me too. But that's another story.
I recognized in college that my fear of public speaking or even raising my hand in class was from class presentation assignments in 5th grade when felt insecure about my English, having immigrated to the states at grade 3. Prior to this experience I was not fearful of public speaking and was quite carefree. I still feel the anxiety rise up in group setting but I've worked a lot on it through CBT in the past 10 years.
"The truth will set you free" We need to look at our childhood and ask ourselves: how it REALLY was ? Only then we can feel buried emotions. Only then we can change the narrative. So the past will no longer control our present. Highly recommend IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy
For a long time, I've been terrified of failure, the fear of not meeting expectations or letting others down haunts my every endeavor.
I never had such a strong reaction to hearing a voice like yours Alain. I have no idea how you do it, but please do know your voice heals. I am SO SO SO happy to hear you again. We are quite a number of people in the comments section here to underline, in various and I believe in truthful way, the many many qualities of your voice. And I haven't even started to comment about the content!!! You have a very precious gift. Thank you so much for sharing it with all of us.
make a deadline. at 30 whatever worries you, cut it off. focus on your goals.
what if my limbs worry me?
I asked myself the question of what am I most afraid of. Answer was meaninglessness of the world. Why is that, I asked next. It is because I had a memory as a kid ( somewhere around 7 years or so I think) of my stepfather hitting my mother. I could never understand at the moment or after what possible greater meaning such an event would or could ever have, so as I kid I made the event meaningless as a reaction. It has bothered me for so long, why did that event feel meaningless. After following some emotional and mental ques, I came to the conclusion that it was not meaningless. Just seconds after that I was hit with a wall of raw emotions. Now, I feel relief. Thankyou, School of Life, for helping my unbottle one the longest or the longest standing trauma of my mind and spirit.
Very interesting video, fear is a big driver for my behaviour, it restricts many actions. This is thought provoking. Thanks Alain, lovely to hear your voice again! :) I've missed you!
Alain de Botton is back again. It's a yay for me
I remember my first fast food french fry. Summer of 1966. I was 2yo and in a very primitive orange infant seat called Bon Voyage. The images are of my father turning around from the front drivers seat and handing it to me. To this day the restaurant and the parking spot we were in are still there. Capitol Hill 'Dicks Drive-In' in Seattle. All verified by my father who was very surprised when I asked him about my memory.
I burst into tears at the end of the video, I was suppressing so much as a coping mechanism since my childhood and I had never let go of that feeling. It was on my back each day of my life.
I remember several events before the age of 3 and much more before the age of 7. I have quite a good memory of childhood in comparison to others. This is both a good and a bad thing of course.
same. we the 1% 🙌
Good luck everyone. This realm seems to love to torture the innocent at a young age. ❤️ This video was helpful in jogging some of the horrors I may have blocked out.
“Remembering truly will set us free”
My childhood was as good as it can get.thank you friends family and sport!
👍 It is not about “finding” ourselves, but rather, creating ourselves! 😊
Glad to hear your voice again, Alain, after such a long time!
It’s not always the caregivers; oftentimes it’s the peer group.
I agree with the 'what are you terrified of' bit. One thing that helped me a great deal in my own life was seeing myself as the adult listener and empathiser of my childhood self. I look back at things that I experienced and imagine it is a small person telling me about it and then I can also imagine myself being that small person's outlet and mentor. I think being an older sibling may have helped with the concept but it worked for me and I have been able to take a step back and get on with my adult life.
I am so happy I clicked on this, I think reflecting on our childhoods and finding what it is that ignited these fears in us is definitely the first step in conquering them!
Finally, it's good to hear your voice, welcome back ❤️❤️❤️
I’ve recently been diagnosed with ASD. Something I have carried my entire life, just never recognised before. It has explained some of what I have experienced since childhood but it has also raised more issues regarding my family and how I was treated.
I remember a couple things from when I was like 3, but most of my childhood memories are from 3rd grade and onwards, because that's when my social life was destroyed by my teacher constantly humiliating me in class. Most are bad, but I've got a few good ones to cling to
I know that teachers can sometimes accidentally say something that really hurts and stays with us for a whole lives. I think it’s just sad and terrible that someone who calls themselves a teacher would put their energy into humiliating one of their students. You deserved better.
The last seconds of this reminded me of the film, Memento Mori. And, writing that, I want to caution that if your family scapegoated you, you might feel guilty when watching that film because of identifying with the protagonist, who suffers from a kind of amnesia. I did. And now have let go of much of the guilt and shame that were not mine, thank G*d.
I actually remember most if not all the major core memories of my childhood after 3 years old. It has helped tremendously in my mental health journey in bringing clarity, but trying to fill in the blanks from asking parents about other details is very frustrating since they don't remember the same things I do, usually when it's something that traumatized me, and that i know im not misremembering. Not even a thing where I didn't see the while picture or their side of the story, just simply they did something that haunts my mind to this day and they say it either never happened or what they did was exaggerated.
I recently relived a trauma from my childhood. My parents were loving, they did have problems, but the death of my brother basically left my family grief stricken. Being only about 9 or 10 i couldnt cope alone, which i was, and only now 15 years later can i confront that trauma and pain. As a young adult i blocked that out, ignored that part of my past and others less traumatic but still harmful. Now that ive been reliving the past i cant help but feel lost and wonder who i am. Ive also found out i have autism. Ive discovered so many harmful tendencies, thoughts, and habbits that are from things that happened in my childhood. This process is the first real step to being a better you. It can be so painful, as if you relived that experience again, but otherwise you cant get past it.
The first ever memory of my childhood that is vivid in my mind is the day I went to the KG with my father to get an admission....I even remember my dress on that day....The teacher asked my name, and then about numbers and letters (my mother had taught me somewhat at home)....And then she gave me two candies🥰
My first day in school I was astonished. I came home telling my mom about the weird ordeal that I experienced. Many of the kids were crying, kicking, and screaming when their parents dropped them off at school. I had never witnessed such mass crying theater before! My mom and my older sister explained that those kids were never separated from their parents before and didn't want to.
I am just glad to hear his voice again❤
I asked God for clarity on my issues that stemmed from early childhood. I then got a sort of ' download' into my minds eye and saw the whole picture with clarity. Just that clarity healed the physical symptoms.
Being raised by a multi trade Electrician, HVAC and Sheet Metal Fabricator, and Rough Carpenter, I was aware my father's confidence level was extremely high. He rode and maintained motorcycles, could repair and maintain several vehicles, and could fix anything around the house, including the TV. He became my Hero as soon as I learned he was a individual unlike anyone else's father I knew. At an early age I decided I wanted to be just like my Father. By the age of twelve I was doing electrical installations along side my father. He bought us a Mini Bike and then a Cushman Eagle, which we were required to maintain and repair if we wanted to ride. The point is I can not ever remember a time when I had fears and lacked confidence enough to treat new things as a learning opportunity or a challenge. My environment, parental influence and family support, are what impacted me the most. Just My Story. 😎
I used to look back at my childhood a lot and find liberation from whatever may have happened in the past and what is happening in the present. I felt relief from knowing where the 'bad feeling' I'm feeling now in the present came from. However that still did not teach me how to deal with present problem. What I tend to do is put myself down and tell myself that I'm worthless and whatever I was trying to do I should never do again in order to escape the humiliation. Now I realise that I have to feel that pain in the present and keep going no matter who is laughing at me (because what do they know), I realise I need to stop taking everything so serious. I need to pick myself up after I fall instead of crawling away and never returning to what scares me because I know that I was trying to do something that I was interested in and the humiliation I endured was undeserved and misplaced, it's not my fault they don't understand me and it's not my fault that I'm hurt by it but I have to keep going.
whoah....i am the first paragraph
I want to be free, but i cant Let go, i got to many unresolved issues with my parents and siblings.
As a kid I always felt different from people around me and never truly been myself. But since I started writing it has helped me tremendously to piece the hurt together. My reality differs from others And my inability to express it makes me suffer.