Why You Should Disappoint Your Parents | Desiree Akhavan | TED
When filmmaker Desiree Akhavan told her Iranian immigrant parents she was in love with a woman, she knew they would object. She explains why it's worth the risk to let people get to know the real you.
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As children of immigrants it’s easy for us to look at our parents and culture and demonize it for what made us different in a new country. I love how she pays respect to her culture while also recognizing that the rules that kept her parents and ancestors alive in the old country are not necessary in the time and place she is now. For anybody claiming this to be woke propaganda you simply do not understand what it is like to be raised in a place you where born (American) with other children (who are also born americans) who do not live with the ghost of another mother country within them. there is something isolating about it that creates insecurity and many of us struggle to understand our place and where we belong all while being “emotionally abused” (in quotations because many foreign born parents will never acknowledge that the way they speak is degrading and sprouts self doubt in their young very early in the child’s life because the parents struggled to get basic needs ie walk to schooled or had to pump water for baths and have no concept of proper coping mechanism because as children they were focused on survival and now their kids do not and can emotionally develop) by parents who don’t understand that their strict beliefs and ingrained bias are not productive in the new place they have come to for better opportunity. I think she spoke beautifully and has given hope to 1st gen americans like my self who have parents that just can’t get over the fact that the better life they worked for is here. many foreign born parents behave as if they came here to give us a better life and now that it’s better they are bitter we don’t have to struggle the same. siblings do it too. we may look at a younger brother or sister and cry that it’s not fair they got to escape a childhood full of truth and understanding of what’s really happening behind closed doors that only the eldest was burdened with. I guess i’m trying to say thank you for helping me to understand all these things. To any 1st gen americans who are seeing this, I see you and keep your drive. I think our parents will forgive our disappointments when we become successful regardless of their support. They never got a chance to grow up without having to worry about survival and most of them are emotionally stunted, they will loose the best thing they created or adapt to love the child they worked so hard to give a better life to ❤️
The way you wrote this was so beautiful. I feel genuinely moved. Thank you so much for being authentic and sharing from a vulnerable space.
💞💞💞💞💞
i’ve been doing this since i was a kid because my parents had so much expectations on me that i couldn’t keep up, so i started to crash every single of them because i simply thought that no kid should live to accomplish their parents expectations. Live with your own expectations and try to understand what they are trying to say not what they are saying
And you end up poor and stupid. Parents know life and want what's best for you. And guess what? If you follow their guidance you'll do very well.
I have 2 teenagers accepted I to medical school one on his 3rd year and they respect their parents. And have a great intellect and Sense of humor, both are heterosexual into skiing and sports. I hope no heterophobes bother them like they do other heterosexuals. 🙏👍Be good to your parents they love you more than anyone and would give up their life for any or all of there children. That's parental love. So try to obey your parents teaching.❤They have experience on their side and love you.
@@Xhxifkfy4748 It is ignorant and naive to claim that one who doesn't listen to their parents will end up poor and stupid.
"Live life according to my own standards and risk losing my family or live according to their rules and never get the opportunity to meet myself, I took a calculated risk, and against all odds I won" these words have made me tear up so beautiful❤
I remember constantly hiding from my parents that I had a girlfriend and it really did chip at me. Living life in secrecy was not it. Felt more inclined to hide more and more of myself due to fear of disappointing them. It's all good now though just wish we could have done this earlier on in life. Good talk! 👍
I'm not going to sit here and blame my parents for anything or create artificial "trauma" from my traditional immigrant household, but sometimes I do wish they allowed for relationships with girls when I was in school. Not necessarily romantic, but even friends. They always made it sound like a distraction and that "studies are the most important." Ironic that now as an adult, they're like "Why aren't you dating?" "When are you going to get married?" It's like yeah, great, you didn't want me to work on relationships when I was growing up and now you want results all of a sudden.
Some say children are in debt to their parents, some say parents are in debt to their kids. Truth is, nobody is in debt to anyone.
Tell that to my creditors…
A human rule…
Well the kid itself cannot choose if it even wanted to be born in the first place nor the family it was born into. So yes parents FORCED life onto their kids, so yes parents are indebted to their kids!
Woke=when gay person says words on stage, apparently.
Not necessarily. The tendency for woke is to highlight some piece of identity and hammer on it until people have had enough. Gay people can choose to speak on anything they want, except they choose to make it about something most can't relate to. Leaning into the chose du jour is lazy, and people notice.
You saved that comment section. Thank you
@@BurdfluWho's hammering? And... should have stopped being homosexual for a moment to give this talk? She's talking about HER identity. Being this is a part of it. She's not asking you to be anything that you're not. On the contrary, she advocates for you being the most 'you' that you can be, whatever that is. If you can't relate because you've always been able to be your real self, that's great! You didn't need to hear this, because you're already there. Someone else may be at a different point. Not everything is made for everyone. It's fine.
@@BadNessie all of what you say is true. It doesn't change how people feel about it.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My son has so far had a very good life , we have supported him all the way.
I don't know, I think it is imperative you leave home and find yourself. Dad wanted me to be a doctor and marry the girl he liked, career, home, car, etc. And I was a good son and did what I was told. But that wasn't me. That was my dad living his life through me. I didn't know who I was. One day, I told him I was going abroad for college and he threw a fit. I had to leave to discover the real me, and what a fantastic decision. At 92yo, he says I betrayed him, abandoned, didn't marry so and so, etc. He is mean as ever and I live on the other side of the globe. Not the way I would like it to be, but I have to be true to myself.
EXCELLENT message! Live you're own life. Don't let others determine for you. ☮
I really appreciate her coming here and speaking up. It gives me hope, and it gives me a lot of strength. The homophobes here calling this 'woke' have clearly never had expectations that they cannot fulfill put upon them by people they love. Culture can be rough, and choosing to live your own life when it goes against takes an immense amount of strength and integrity. When culture requires me to do stuff that I don't agree with, I like to remind myself that it is just a lot of 'dead people peer pressure'. It can be good to comply for the sake of beliefs and loved ones when it doesn't cost much, but only until the point that it becomes morally incompatible with you, and at that point you have to treat it as petulant people pressuring you into doing something you know is wrong.
In short, "woke" 😁
@@MarcMarc119 Yup, woke and proud. Wake up sheeple!
Thank you for this💖💖💖💖💖
@@saavyk1264u proud of being asleep💀
@@MarcMarc119I'd rather be woke than staying asleep
As a chinese person having spent a fair amount of time abroad I can surprisingly relate many times.
No kid has it easy when it comes to their parents. I'm constantly misjudged by society. Who look at me and think I am entitled. Only to not know that I had a drug addict for a brother. Who made my parents go nuts but, was never around to reap punishment. So they took it out on me and I was homeless by the time I was 13 years old. I've had to work a ton harder than a lot of other people to get where I am in this life and because of that. I work really hard to maintain it too. We all have our own stories we can tell about our parents and no parent is perfect.
She's self centered
wow! Inspiring
your story turns me into tears. lot of success and courage. so relatable
I feel what you are saying, but how are you relating to the video? It feels like you are devaluing her experience. I have stories that always make people wonder how I'm still standing, but it is no more, or less, valuable than anyone else's experience. Every person is unique and therefore, have their own unique story to tell. Not one human can claim to know the experience of someone else in its totality because no two humans are identical in every way possible. Each human is a sum of their parts and no two human's parts are identical... If I misunderstood you, then I apologize...😊💖
Well sorry budd; but I had it pretty easy with my parents and they were never disappointed 😂😂😂
As much as I disliked Disney princesses, Belle was my favourite princes for my daughter to emulate. Thank you for sharing your story. For you, and for my daughter, and for all the daughters of immigrants - be fearless and follow your heart 💜
A lot of salty parents in these comments unwilling to question whether they might be part of the problem.
This was beautiful, thanks for putting it in such an elegant way that what many go through without knowing how to express it because they are forced not to.
This fucking hits so hard. Just be yourself. It's so easy, if you just try.
My takeaway is that’s it’s wonderful to be open and honest with your parents. I really think that’s a good thing and that’s something I’m constantly learning to aim for as a 20-something year old who grew up afraid to speak to her parents. This is an encouraging talk, just like many other TedTalks.
This is an amazing testimony. She indeed broke free from her parents' expectations but allowed herself to go and work hard for her dreams and succeed by doing what she actually wanted. I have witnessed people letting go of their parent's expectations and then, deciding to live for themselves and acting immaturely but she didn't. She decided to step up and I love that for her 💯💯
I'm no longer stranger to this concept. Never gonna try it ever again.
Way ahead of you!
That was really touching. I have a similar experience
Finally, a TED Talk for me
I can feel your pain of being rejected by your parents because you are different. Thank you for sharing your experiences. You are a beautiful woman. Unfortunately for me, I am a man ;-) A big hug from Spain.
These days after some parents have been for a long time isolated from their infant children while their successful adult children are finally getting to know them better at first attempts to disappoint parents while offering them their opinions that might only seem both gratifying and entertaining to them about the mystery as to how their children ended up having the same opinions.
Brilliant!
The way this was posted on my birthday and I always say I rather disappoint my parents than live in someone else's shadow.
Nice one 🤗
That was pretty gay. I like it 👍
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣💞💞💞💞💞
love this
That is not what I expected
What did you expect?
Ok
I already have but ill watch this anyway
Amazing
Stealing the school paddle... that's a paddling.
Normalize local co-ops and labour unions. Workers make the world run, workers should run the world.🌸Ⓐ🇺🇸
Beautifully articulated ❤
Beautiful 💐🌺🌷 ❤
When do parents get to have their lives back? I’ve been putting my son first and wanting him never to suffer. I show up for him constantly. I can’t do less. He is going to be 26. He will finish getting his mba soon. I put him through school My son doesn’t try to please me. I expect nothing back. I keep my judgement to myself and I take his without reaction. Maybe one day he will turn around and say a thank you from the depth of his soul. Maybe. Wisdom comes from living. He doesn’t like that I say that. But he hasn’t lived long enough to fully understand.
The judgment part you said is cruel, both ways. Only open, direct & aware communication can help..especially with great expectations. Please start to live your life as well.
This could be a mental health concern for you or your son. I don't have his perspective, but it's pretty clear you're negatively judging him and expect a positive response, almost like you deserve an apology. Maybe you do, idk the details, but it's strange that someone you support wouldn't be happy with you. Something's up, and I don't know who (both?) or what's to blame because there's not much detail. All I know is positive communication takes effort and patience, and it sounds like you're running out of the latter. ✌
Every act of being a mother is so valuable, that a child can never repay a mother back for all the pains of giving birth, let alone all the effort it takes to raise a child. God does not leave a mother's efforts unnoticed. In Islam, there is an understanding, that Paradise lies at the feet of the mother.
You should put him first. You were the one that made the choice to bring him into this world. It wasn't his choice. Every day he's alive he's living with the consequences of your choice to bring him into this world.
@@Ayubyboss I saw a mother abusing her child.
PREACH
The best thing anyone can be is a cycle breaker. Break the cycle of bigotry, hate, resentment, racism, sexism, intolerance and greed within your own family and community. Be the absolute LAST generation of racism, sexism, religion, traditions and greed in your family!
Points taken. Yes, one ought to follow one’s own path and live one’s own truth. Yet, the speaker’s descriptions of the Iranian society and the Iranian diaspora were overtly generalising, even if there were some truths to the observations of their beliefs and behaviours. Iranian society of HER generation is far from the society her parents left when they left Iran... She wouldn’t travel to Iran perhaps, but if she did, she’d certainly be surprised to witness the difference firsthand.
Never have I clicked on a video faster then I did now
Preach
This is such a great story, remember there are still places where being LGBTQ+ is punishable. And the rewrite of little mermaid story misses the message, in the original she commits suicide, in the Disney version no matter how bad you F*ck up, daddy will come save you.
Hello
Just another case of this worked for me so you should try it lol
You're one of many exceptions that exists in the world
What a beautiful soul!
Wha what are the movies 🎥 dont make me do research
The name might suggest another "woke" talk at ted but if you actually listen it is not about ppl imposing their doctrine onto others but the opposite.
Oh no, not ""woke,"" EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES. 🙄 I'm pretty sure woke is the word you use when you don't want to listen and dismiss a multitude of perspectives without evidence. (Not to say every leftist is correct, that's absurd)
There is no such thing as woke , there are people's rights and those who care about them.
Woke is just empathy. Caring about people's rights & happiness. It is really that simple. Woke is NEVER a bad thing, the opposite of woke aka willfully ignorant & intolerant...THAT is what is bad. Be woke! Don't be the opposite!
💜🙏🏽
brava
Won't listen to the rest of this, since she started out with little mermaid! That movie also teaches little girls that they need to loose there voice to get a man, and be in pain to be with a man! Forget that! It's been banned in my house for years, and always will be!
❤
Most parents just wanted to live their lives through their children's lives so who cares really anyway? All parents can self care live their own best good lives. That's when they become strong enough with any of children's personal problem issue to work together family loving strength.
Shes just like me fr...
I respect the perspective. But this made me wish I had listened to my parents more.
My asian parents wouldn't approve this lol 🥲
Talk about projecting what she did to her parents Lol. I’m gonna make a Ted Talk about this
UwU
آخ آخ منم اصن نمیتونم دروغ بگم و تعارف کنم. 😂 منتها من ایران بزرگ شدم و ایران هم زندگی میکنم 😅
First view
Taarof is an expression of cultural elegance-the happy intersection of polite generosity and a touch of humor. The Shah certainly discovered the Iranian people weren’t willing to lose Persian culture! It’s a culture far older than Islam and rich in so many ways. Its history touches every other old world civilization. I’m glad Persian culture inherently resisted rapid change for most of the last 3000 years because humanity needs stability AND innovation for a healthy balance. Iran today has had its stability disrupted too often for there to be balance. It jeopardizes the culture and frankly endangers everyone on Earth. Today’s government is no less extreme (and far less tolerant) than Mohammad Reza Pahlavi’s, just in the opposite direction. Matters of delicate privacy and secrecy have been a human (and a Persian) reality forever-as long as there have been humans-surely tens of thousands of years. You are not the first of anything (except perhaps among the first to need to sacrifice your discretion and privacy for some kind of freedom-without risking your life-which is apparently a hard distinction for many people to understand). Being proud to oppose your culture or upset your family is an interesting idea that recalls childhood tantrums and fantasies. Greatness lies elsewhere. It is parents working 100 hours per week in another country so their children can escape the poverty cycle. It is a daughter carrying her mother from bed to shower to chair to bed all day, every day. It is boldly confronting the lies beneath which our world is flooded. It is not dressing up lies as virtue or courage or justice or enlightenment. It is so impolite to uncover another person’s flaws. That’s at the heart of taarof. While I don’t want every girl to be like Belle, she’s certainly a far better person than Ariel.
First comment
I peddle!
Ted talks nonsense 99% of the time.
I don’t think what you said is covering all the people of that nation!
I thought TED was supposed to be Technology, Engineering, and Design. What's with all the political and social commentary?
Maybe they had to find speakers who could talk a line. How good are you at the quantum math used to describe the theory that a particle exists which provides Mass to all the other particles?
Its actually technology, entertainment, and design, so im guessing the increase is in the entertainment part.
She is talking about social skills dynamics and self development, which apparently you’re lacking so, just pay attention.
How about how to make your parents proud despite the differences between you?
Why?
Opening minute you diss the little mermaid and beauty in the beast .. I’m out
I think you both looked into this Little Mermaid thing far deeper than intended. It’s a cartoon.
yes tom boy lezbo what ever u say...
I'm sorry your parents abused you as a child so you become so hateful towards strangers...
When you lost your fear, you lost your wisdom. Obedience is better than sacrifice.
That is sheep mindset
@@Dimitris_Balf The “wool” is over your eyes since obedience resists reprobates.
@@mahdavimath22 You can rationalise it all you want, but no amount of mental gymnastics will stop you from being a sheep
@@Dimitris_Balf Wisdom is with those who resist your wickedness. You’re a sheep to your own deceitful heart.
@mahdavimath22 No wise person in history was ever subservient. No wise person in history had a slave mindset. You can't fool anyone.
It's not the first time I find things she says utterly vapid. So was her show The Bisexual. There's probably quite a lot of truth in her saying she's an entitled millennial cliche.
I really miss when TED vids where actually good
“And We have commanded people to honor their parents. Their mothers bore them through hardship upon hardship, and their weaning takes two years. So be grateful to Me and your parents. To Me is the final return.” Quran 31:14
#1 They DID NOT choose to be born, that was your selfish desire to bring another soul to existence and be a parent. OWN UP TO IT. #2 Your children have their own soul and voice. Stop acting like they’re your property.
This is a stand-up comedy routine. Ted talks aren't what they used to be.
The Bible is clear about how we are to treat our parents. The fifth commandment says, “Honor your father and your mother”
The Bible is wrong!!!!
Yeah, that was talking about good parents… Let’s not even discuss abusing ones ah…
@@farymaldonado3749 my fathers a junkie, I will still honor him however I can. I will make him proud of his son, even if he has caused my family a lot of pain. No one is perfect, who am I to judge him. I have done evil and none of my good works are enough to be seen as more valuable than my father, I will never understand what it is like to live the life he’s lived
So?
@@farymaldonado3749 My father is a junkie, I will still honor him. I want to make him proud of his son. Doesn’t matter how much pain he’s caused my family, who am I to judge my father. I have done evil myself. None of my good works will ever make me a more valuable person than my father we are all equal under God.
Another promotion of wokeness
Not really. The name might suggest another "woke" talk at ted but if you actually listen it is not about ppl imposing their doctrine onto others but the opposite.
so… respecting other people is now “woke agenda” ? what are you even doing watching a TED talk?
Go back to sleep.
And a terrible goal to have.
This statement is becoming a throw away line. How about keeping an open mind?
Has TED turned into therapy sessions for the speaker? Diss your culture - check. Diss your upbringing - check. Diss intolerance - check. Be intolerant towards the views of others - check. I can bet my bottom dollar that the challenges faced by immigrant parents were far, far more than the children of those immigrants could even imagine. If you had a roof over your head, food and clothes then be grateful because those intolerant immigrants gave up their lives to provide a better life for you.
Still that doesn’t give the parents the right to judge or dictate the rules of lives of the kids. If they were raising the kids for egoistic purposes instead of letting them be, it would’ve been great to at least let them and others know that was their purpose of providing them with life.
You should develop critical and independent thinking skills
Yay more garbage for everyone to watch
Bullishit
@@PhantomNash I'm not sure if the b******* is for me or for this video
And your Lord has decreed that you worship not except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age while with you, do not say to them "uff," (an expression of contempt) and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” Quran 17:23
Qur’an 18:83-86-And they ask you about Dhul-Qarnain. Say: “I shall recite to you something of his story.” Verily, We established him in the earth, and We gave him the means of everything. So he followed a way. Until, when *he reached the setting place of the sun, he found it setting in a spring of black muddy water.* Preach it brother… inshallah!!!
@@Cup0Coffee you need to understand language. The Arabic word used for “he found” is وَجَدَ (wajada) Wajada in Arabic is perspectival. It appeared to him to be setting in that manner. Even in English we say the sun is setting. But the sun doesn’t literally set, but if you understand linguistics it can be from the perspective of the beholder Don’t look at a translation of an ancient Arabic text and tell me you understand it completely until you have studied Classical Arabic linguistics
@@Cup0Coffee look at what the early exegetes of the Quran have said regarding the meaning of this verse such as: Al Asfahani, Ibn Kathir, Ibn Taymiyyah, and Al Baydawi.
me me me me , I'm gay, me me me me.... 'Stunning and brave' blah blah.
When you lack listening skills 👆
@@Dimitris_Balf When I do deploy listening skills and she still says nothing new
@scatton61 Have you considered that although her message might not be new you, it may be new to thousands other people?
@@Dimitris_Balf Have you considered that although her message might be new to other people, it might not be to me. Are you saying I'm not entitled to my opinion ?
@scatton61 You are, but dismissing and invalidating a speaker just because what they said isn't new to you is extremely selfish and self-centered. "The message isn't new to me therefore the video is bad"
This is horrible…..
You gotta play the victim 24/7??
Complete opposite of what the Bible teaches. Disappointing your parents intentionally? Smh
Your stance is bullsh*t
Haven't we had enough of this woke bullshit?
Elaborate? How is it woke? I'd really like to know.
Trash
Failed society is manifesting in her thoughts.
Oh my God, I’m such a victim
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