How changing your story can change your life | Lori Gottlieb | TED
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Stories help you make sense of your life -- but when these narratives are incomplete or misleading, they can keep you stuck instead of providing clarity. In an actionable talk, psychotherapist and advice columnist Lori Gottlieb shows how to break free from the stories you've been telling yourself by becoming your own editor and rewriting your narrative from a different point of view.
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My parents got divorced when I was in my middle school. The letters in the talk sound so familiar that when I was little, my dad and mom would tell me totally different versions of the same story, and their words confused me for many years. When I grow up, I realized that it's not about right or wrong. It's just people can only understand the world from their own perspectives, which are usually narrow. And my solution is to honestly express yourself to others, exchange your feelings, your views, or your emotions with your partner, so you can understand each other better. It is so important and useful. Hope everyone can live a happy life instead of being trapped like my parents many years ago
Bless you dear soul.
none cares. but u care about urself lol
So much truth. Thank you for sharing!!! It meant a lot!!!
Yes... absolutely right you are, why we have to continue a relationship like a trap, if there is no trust, stop at that , moment,,, how much we open to our partners that much they will trust us.
that happened to me exactly at middle school too and it has been interesting watching each side say a different variation of the events.
Such a quotable talk! - We are all unreliable narrators of our own lives. - To tell a story is inescapably to take a moral stance. - Stories are the way we make sense of our lives. - The way we narrate our lives shapes what they become. - Change, even really positive change, involves a surprising amount of loss. - What would happen if you looked at your story and wrote it from another person’s point of view? - Life is about choosing which stories to listen to, and which ones need an edit. - There’s nothing more important to the quality of our lives than the stories we tell ourselves about them. What do you want your story to be? Go write your masterpiece!
I guess she's suggesting the wife not to do anything about her cheating husband.
"If the Queen had balls she'd be the King" It makes no sense right?
@@user-hf3hy4jy5h I was left wanting a better resolution to that, too.
I I understood it differently. She said that as a therapist, she does not tell people what decisions to make. It is Lori’s job to listen and the woman’s decision to make whether to leave or make things work. She told the husband’s story as a way of helping us to see that sometimes we can get things wrong. That’s why others end up at couples counselling because they have forgotten how to talk to each other and read each other’s actions differently. It is the woman’s job to try to understand what is going on then decide what to do. That’s my understanding
@@lyng7247 then Lori could have had said to that wife " ask your husband and then give him an Ultimatum and then after listenkng to what the husband says...decide...rather than just listening...
Just finished her book, "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone". It's, literally, the most 'AHA!" book I've ever read. The stories of her going through therapy and those of several clients lives are SO engrossing. I had to see who this woman is!
Moi S I’ve just done the same.
Thank you. I just found a new self-help book. 😊
@@pamelaporter1739 - Oh? Do tell what title it is, Pamela.
I'm halfway through the same book and came across this video. I'm loving the book too ❤️
@@chenalee3730 - Her candor is amazing, but the quotes had me scribbling them down! Hugs from Canada.
My wife left me 3 months ago and I lost my job, home and my dog. I've never been happier finding myself. But I do miss my dog. Good luck to everyone out there
Did she take care of the dog mainly? Honestly, tell me if you did much more than she, loved the dog more? If you didn't love the dog as much as her...well... P.S. Best of Luck to you too.
@@lisasmith516 she does take great care of them thank goodness. They have a good home there.
@Janice Brown I'm traveling a lot with a new job. I'm about to settle somewhere and find a needy stray:) And you are correct!!
Stay strong, you deserve to be happy,
U sound like john wick
_We talk so much in our culture about getting to know ourselves, but part of getting to know yourself is to unknow yourself - to let go of the one version of the story you've been telling yourself, so that you can live your life and not the story that you've been telling yourself about your life. And that's how we walk around those bars_
Yes. Realising you can't really know 'you' because 'you' us constantly changing. And accepting that.
This is a masterpiece of a Ted Talk. Easy to understand, short, concise and the prison bar analogy, perfect.
You just said on another comment above 7 month ago that you do not trust these ted talks .Wierd . Ugh .
@@Lolipop59 aa
Be wary of things being to easy to understand. The relality is more complex. this is a fairytale.
"The next time you're struggling with something. Remember that we're all going to die .And then pull out your editing tools and ask yourself : what do i want my story to be ? And then go write your masterpiece . " Lori Gottlieb
Wow....
Thank You 🌈
I fall into the category of a help rejecting complainer because I feel so stuck, I suffer with major depression amongst other things but when asked what I want my story to be, I just don't care, bring on my death. I suspect that will be the response from many with depression.
This is very powerful. Editing how you perceive the world and reshaping your responses can lead to deep and powerful changes. I’ve seen it. I’ve experienced it. An excellent TED talk!
Nicely put. Most people prefers to blame others than address the possibility to improve yourself..
Your feelings are subconscious thoughts, and your emotions bounce off of those feelings. So Emotions ≠ Feelings. If you can change your feelings about something (which are just your thoughts) then you can change your reactions. That means you can change yourself. That is powerful. Much more useful than being a victim of "This is just who I am / how it is"
@@PaperRaines I like this: Emotions ≠ Feelings. Have a nice day.
Yes, this concept changed my life many years ago! And this video reminded me to "keep checking my narrative" 😉
J H yes! Perfectly stated! 😊✨
Damn. She’s just gave me a therapy session!
given
And it’s totally for free! Isn’t KZhead great this way?
Totally
@@humanyoda are you an English teacher ? Go find some pupils to tutor .
@@Lolipop59 There's nothing wrong with pointing out an error in a public forum. Whether you interpret it as fault finding or as a gentle reminder depends on your mental make up. We're all here to learn.
"if you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging."
How do we notice we're in it?
Ngọc Trâm Nguyễn it is painful enough, u will know
@@tramanhhh247 When we don't see around us anything but dirt and the sky above seems too distant.
@@tramanhhh247 Read about the Law of Holes
Depends. If you dig in the right direction :)
“Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” - Abraham Lincoln
Ah we need to remember our power
Not easy :(
@@natasiafranco4444 ㅈ0
I just finished reading her book “Maybe You Should Talk To Someone”. I absolutely loved it and it really opened my mind. Thank you so much, Lori.
It takes some skills to make people laugh, think, and inspire them in a short 15-minute talk! I'm a transformation coach, I know how powerful rewriting your life script can be. When you rewrite your story your life will change, and soon you'll see a shift in the dynamics of your friendships, too. I agree with Lori, it can be scary, even if the changes are positive.
Hello how are you doing 😊
This is mind blowing. One of the BEST talks and such a powerful message. In one of my classes at University, our professor asked us " What would you like the people at your funeral to say about you". Quite a few people said " Oh I would like them to say he/she was a great husband / wife, friend etc etc". Then one guy stood up and said" I would like them to say "Look he is still breathing"!!
What was the inner meaning of this message 🤔
What was the inner meaning? Are you for real? Sounds like an AI chat comment
"If the Queen had balls, she'd be a King!" What a great line! And, I couldn't agree more regarding the change; yes, we all want change but change of other character in our story. That's most of us!
Unfortunately, these days the reverse seems true - If he thinks he is, the King can be the Queen even if he has balls.
So good! Proverbs 23:7 "For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he"
Hello how are you doing 😊
And for the folks who don't bible...PRETTY IS AS PRETTY DOES...Positive vibes from New Hampshire and remember to be kind to each other and yourself
Heard it first from Muhammad Ali. He used to say 'a man is his heart'.
Excellent TED talk. Change your narrative. If you think you don't deserve more, you will always settle for the lesser versions of choices, things, people, jobs, etc. Such a process!
I usually do something else while listening to ted talks or podcasts, but this one had me glued to the end
So true Same here...it was as if she was addressing me and my stories.
Change the story you tell yourself, you will change your life.
The key is being truthful and honest about oneself.
Since our beliefs are stored in our subconscious mind which has ca 95 % of our mind power we unknowingly PROJECT our believes onto others. In the wives case who had a cheating father her belief was that man are cheaters. Thus, she was unconsciously waiting for it to happen and even participated in it. To reWRITE a story means that she had the opportunity wayyyyyyyy earlier in her life to forgive her father and establish a belief that men are trustworthy. WE are 100 % responsible for our experiences and choices. If we spend most of our time being mindful of our own thoughts and actions instead of giving others, the weather, the boss, the economy, the government, money, disease, etc. our power we'd have a healthier, wealthier, peaceful life. Maturity is a choice. :)
As a therapist I totally agree.
the truth is always subjective though, based on our experiences, beliefs and so many other things, all is a construct, we create our own truths and honesty. Perception is everything is my mantra.
@@christinagiannaros9817 do you percive truthfully or subjectively avoiding the inconvenient truth ? One must know if one can even percive correctly and truthfully with no bias
@@IngridMClark Indeed . It is a choice one has to make. A path one has to choose. To continue in make belief /unforgiveness / bitterness or to find the root problem and deal with it courageously ? To put it in a different way, paraphrasing it . It is a mater of choice to either continue in hopelessness or to let go and forgive so one can move on and make things better. To live right.
As a lifelong sufferer of PTSD from an early childhood event...I just paused at 7:33 (with tears) because casting off old misperceptions of rejection is like another rejection in and of itself. I have indeed been editing my story for several years now. I know what I want my story to be. You have just given me a window into a future that I can actually get to. No. More like an open door. Thanks.
Girl... I almost threw my phone this was so good. My good points and takeaways " Which stories to listen to and which ones need to be edited" " I want to change but they are really saying is that they want another character in the story to change" Word of the Day " Ultracrepidarianism- the habit of giving opinions and advice on matters outside of one's knowledge or competence" Girl I know that's right "We must to responsibility for our role in the story" All great key points thank you so much
Hi how are you Cee Cee. Greetings from . Kindly man, Hope you’re safe from the covid. Have a good week and stay safe 😄😘 Alex
Ms. Gottlieb has a good insight into the "life as a story" perspective. I think it is a very useful tool, especially if you can really see the context of how our lives are more like a story we write as we go on, (our biases) with all the factors that make it seem very interesting and real to us in the present, regardless of the content. When one is first honest about the particular story one carries, the it is possible to be more creative as the story progresses. That also can be a bridge to a form of transcendence because it is only a matter of realizing and admitting that the story may be about your experiences in the past, but you are the knower of it and it is not ultimately what you are because of that.
Wise woman! This is the best TED Talk I've listened! Clear and precise. Thank u so much.
I just finished reading her book " maybe you should talk to someone" and i want to thank you for this masterpiece, it made me laugh, cry, think and most importantly understand that happiness but also sadness are both temporary.
Hi how are you Chourouk. Greetings from . Kindly man, Hope you’re safe from the covid. Have a good week and stay safe 😄😘 Alex
How way I collect this book,could please me.
I am reading it these days
My situation is exactly like the first letter she read. When my parents split up, I was 11. It messed me up emotionally for years. It was a shock to me because they never fought. I found out later that they hardly talked either. Once you are married with kids there is a lot of investment of every kind (emotional, financial, overcoming hardship and such). I can't just pretend my way out of the situation. I think NOT doing the same thing to MY kids is exactly the right thing to do. I am the hero of my story because I didn't bail on my kids because of what I want. I cared more about my children than I did about myself. I know all about self fulfilling prophecy. I got myself out of financial trouble using that principle. The thing that bothers me is that a lot of stories I hear are people giving up when the going gets tough (divorcing regardless of the effect on the kids) Real heroes do the right thing for the right people and will sacrifice themselves to accomplish that.
Sometimes divorce is the best thing for kids too, it can be better than watching a toxic relationship and believing and learning that is what love or marriage should be. They model their future relationships on that. Being in an environment with endless shouting or passive aggressive and suppressed emotion isn't good. It's personal and different in every case but don't judge anyone who took a different path or assume their kids welfare is worse for it.
We only live once... find out what makes You happy! When You are happy and fullfiled your kids will sence that and they will Be ok as well. Happy balanced parents =happy kids. I'm sure You love them very much.🙏
This lecture should be shown everywhere. It's the most incredible advice I have ever heard!
"To tell you the truth, I'm an unreliable witness of my own existence. So perhaps my autobiography should be dramatically re-edited by people who were actually there." -Russell Brand
I've always been writing. Ever since I was three. I think we are all writing our own stories with every thought, word and action.
Wow! This is definitely mind-blowing! Thank you for sharing this principle of rewriting, changing, editing our own stories. Truly, we can be heroes not victims in our live's narratives.
Amazing. That's so true.. especially in argument, when it's so easy to get stuck in your own story. Even when another story can be less painful
Very inspiring and much need session for current situation where a people take small things so seriously...just live n spread kindness, love, gratitude towards each other...
Great Ted Talks!!!!! I’m a therapist in private practice and I will definitely being using this amazing tool. On self and in my practice, wow. Feel like life sent me a cheerleader, I edited my thinking here! Good stuff.
I have tears in my eyes right now..thank you so much for this; I needed it.
So true and what she said was in my heart
This is truly worth a long listen... Replay it a few times. This is power.
"Freedom comes with responsibility"
I love love love the clarity in this talk. 👏🏽
Thank you so much for your presentation 😊 ...it wasn't long or complicated, and your purpose resonated with me.
One of the most useful stories I've ever listened to in Ted Talk, it helps me deal with myself.
This might just be my favorite Ted Talk ever. As a therapist and a writer myself, I thank you.
If you liked this Ted Talk, you should read her book - MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE ...
This is my favourite TED talk by far, and I’ve seen some very good ones. It’s my favourite because it resonates so deeply! I “co-sign my own BS”!.. I buy into the garbage I tell myself about myself and my life... I can see the etymology, how early trauma (0-2 years, then 2-4 years) influenced this... it’s now my responsibility to “write my masterpiece”... Out of the mud grows the lotus flower... Thank you Lori Gottlieb! I’d like to recommend something:- the grief ceremonies described in The Wild Edge of Sorrow... so healing and beautiful, spiritual.
Thank you so much TED for being such a thought provoking KZhead channel!
What a great way to start the weekend
Loved this Ted talk, it just blew my mind, recently read her book and that too is mind blowing.... Everyone has a stroy that they never share with others, which they need to be talking about.
Thank you Lori, this video is planned to be just a listening practice. However It changed the way I think and act with my father, who betrayed my mom. I talk to him and understand him more, even we can not be the same as before but it's a good start. Thanks a lot !!!
This talk definitely changed my life. Thank you so much! Keep appreciating LIFE.
Wow! Incredible TED talk! "What do I want my story to be?"
lori, this is lovely and well put together. thank you. editing is hardest when the original writer is oneself.
The essence of life Ms Gottlieb defines at 15:28ff - deciding what stories to listen to and which ones need an edit - seems to be what I'm doing so often when I select books or videos, in stores and on the Internet.
Отличная лекция и блестящий перевод. Благодарю всех за профессионализм!
I’ve been waiting to hear something like this! This is great!
It's not always possible for A LOT of people to change their story. But it is astoundingly easy for her or anyone else to suggest they do or can.
Rob Robi yeah i guess i can never be an emperor with a thousand concubines, like in that movie.
Wow. I think I learned my lesson. Wonderful therapist you are. I changed my story already n I'm so much relieved. Thank you.
Such an amazing talk. She has shared lot of amazing points. I wish most of talks were of this calibre.
Hi how are you Mayank. Greetings from . Kindly man, Hope you’re safe from the covid. Have a good week and stay safe 😄😘 Alex
We are ALL unreliable story tellers - this is so awesome. Spending time editing now!!
Hello how are you doing 😊
Lovely TED talk. One of the better ones in 2019!
I agree. There has been a lot of trash on TED. I sort of lost interest. But this is quite good. Because I'm also a counselor and I have lost all trust in counseling after having had to see a few myself!
@@hopscotch30 You ain't joking. 75% of TedTalk's are terrible anymore
What an excellent, clear and well founded conversation talk!!! Thank you, very inspiring.
Wow, soooo glad I clicked on this video - very interesting but, more importantly, extremely helpful with my personal life circumstances.
Lori I listened to your audio book recently and I really enjoyed it. I actually didn't recognize you until the part about the gynecologist and the the cartoon with the prison bars. It's great to see the face of one of my favorite books' author.
Hi. I'm new to audiobooks. Could you suggest a good starting point without spending money right away. I have an android phone, a desktop computer, and Alexa. Any tips you can share?
Hi Lori. Thank you for this inspiring talk. I am reading your book now and loving it...the therapist me is taking notes..the soul inside is savoring each chapter,each story...the Lit major in me has the sinking feeling I get when I realize I am coming to the end in a short while. Guess I will have to read the ‘Dear Therapist’ column to get more doses of your wit and sublime wisdom. So happy I found your work.
Hi how are you Cathleen. Greetings from . Kindly man, Hope you’re safe from the covid. Have a good week and stay safe 😄😘 Alex
People always say they want change. Change is scary and difficutl. Friends will tell you not to change. The rewards of a positive change are worth it. The rewards of a negative change are not.
This video had a great explanation & thank you for sharing this principle of rewriting, changing, editing our own stories. This was very engaging, insightful and interesting. I also agree with all she said, very helpful advice on getting out of the struggle anger and rejection swamp she speaks with such confidence. Also Ms. Gottlieb has a good insight into the "life as a story" perspective. I think it is a very useful tool, especially if you can really see the context of how our lives are more like a story we write as we go on, with all the factors that make it seem very interesting and real to us in the present, regardless of the content. When one is first honest about the particular story one carries, the it is possible to be more creative as the story progresses. That also can be a bridge to a form of transcendence because it is only a matter of realizing and admitting that the story may be about your experiences in the past, but you are the knower of it and it is not ultimately what you are because of that.
This is probably the best TED Talk I have seen! This was very engaging, insightful and interesting. As a Mindfulness blogger this invoked inspiration for my work. I also agree with all she said. Definitely got to read her books.
Hi how are you Ana. Greetings from . Kindly man, Hope you’re safe from the covid. Have a good week and stay safe 😄😘 Alex
Great job, Lori! Very well done!
How brilliant and deeply compassionate! Thank you and bravissimo, Lori Gottlieb!
this video is a gift for me right now. thank you so much for discovering this
I absolutely love this talk ❤️
one of the best TED talks I've seen in a while
I'm fell very proud of my parents cause mostly their significant sacrifices for me and my elder brother. My father was also a carpenter and my mother is a housewife. But they lived separated for the professional purpose. Also they didn't show any regrets for their troubles. So I'm glad to having those kind of parents.
I learned from this Ted talk to look at things from different sides , visions nd to see the different parts of a story ..Thank you ! ❤
This is substance! Thank you Dr Gottlieb.
THANK YOU. I have truly changed and my life is altogether changed and I’ve been freaking out! It is hard to celebrate living in/on a blank slate, all “stories” gone, done. You are correct, it’s been very much about having and gaining relationship with personal responsibility. There is one level of responsibility I’ve been really scared of though, it’s a higher level - creativity. The responsibility of creating one’s life. I hope I can be brave enough, after all the changes I’ve been brave enough to make, to create the life story my own heart wishes to tell. Thanks for the lecture.❤️
How you live in the present moment will give you clues about how you will have lived. If this gives you anxiety, then you are taking on too much at once. Stick with where you stand, time and place, here and now, the matter of importance on the table, and what next action is most necessary. Be determined to get it right, and accept that it takes time, awareness, patience and practice. Accept that you already have all the potential you'll ever need, you are enough and ready to be, no more room for doubts. Remember, determination is an emotion, you can positively supercharge/intensify this emotion with great can-do spirit and a positive attitude. Quitting is not an option, only moving forward and insisting on progress and prosperity. Be determined and have faith. You are human, you already have the potential, strength and ability, it is just a matter of you believing more in your greatness or believing more in lack and your fears. Which will you empower to govern your behavior? Are you going to be doubting yourself, or be too busy believing in yourself and doing what you must? Good luck.
@@davidanthony6408 Thank you for what you wrote! Timing was magnificent. How generous of you! I needed that. I will reread it, keep it and keep at it, as I just arrived in new city, new job and new life. Doubt is begging to feed. I finally begin. I have drive, determination, as you eloquently put it. I finally believe in myself. Practicing and letting go, by the hour now. ;). Thank you for reminding me I am and have what I need. Seriously, thank you.
I appreciate this sharing exchange! @davidanthony6408, are you a therapist, coach, or just a wise person who has made the effort to learn through reflections on living?
Enjoying your book right now. I have no doubt I will become a little better therapist because of your efforts. Thank you.
Woow powerfull talk! Finally an amazing talk again. I wanna see it again.
When your write your story,do not allow some else to hold the pen.You are the author of your own book..Peace with Love
Fabulous! I found myself editing my own story just the other day. Thank you!
Hello how are you doing 😊😊
Wow! That's really become my 'editing tolls', I'm so thankful for this.
One of the best Ted talks I've listened to. Thank you!
One of the best Ted Talks ever!
In my experience some people are more self aware than others. Not too sure about saying we aren't good at understanding our situations in general.
Wonderful Ted Talk, Thank you Lori Gottlieb. You sound better than any therapist I ever had!
Thanks for this timely message ! What story we tell us is critical ❤
Lori you have just untied the Gordian knot in my head with just words!
Her book Maybe You Should Talk to Someone is absolutely phenomenal! Please read it!
Hello how are you doing 😊😊
Thank you for the suggestion! I'm going to read it.
Excellent speech, perspective & advice. Thanks.
This is beautiful, especially the ending
As a writer. I love this. ❤
This is a great TED talk, and I agree with much/most of it. The takeaway, if I am not mistaken, is that you yourself have to write your own story. But it misses one very important point: namely that, very often, others write your narrative for you. This happens very often in families. Parents, for example, write the script for their children. This narrative can be broken, but it takes courage, perceptiveness, understanding and determination. It sometimes even requires a complete break with the past. I have observed this in life. It is often no easy task for the person stuck behind those bars. There is an old saying, 'I am the captain of my ship, the master of my soul'. It's true. But under certain circumstances, it is not easy for some people to act on this. So we shouldn't oversimplify the problem. Some people really are trapped in a narrative that other people have written for them.
Parents are so very important for their children regardless of what their relationship is; the kids need you!
@@meteor1237 Of course they need their parents. Did I say anything different? Did I say they didn't?
@@xelakram I'm agreeing with you....parents can have bad relationships between them, but yes, the kids need them as parents regardless.
@@meteor1237 👍 Yes indeed! But many parents, and even siblings, can write the narrative for a person. Very often, the person doesn't realise it at the time. Sometimes, it can only be discerned in hindsight, when it might be too late to do anything about it.
My story always has an empathy. Thank you for a great talk.
Las palabras más hermosas y útiles que he escuchado últimamente. Gracias
"Delivering compassionate truth bombs" yep. Fantastic talk!
Brilliant. This synopsis of human behavior, driven by ego, shaped and sculpted by our personal myths (narratives) probably encompasses 99 percent of psychology. Its a very comprehensive top-down look at what is wrong with the 80 percent of society and what is right with 20 percent that transcend and take control of their own story to go on and succeed. I'm not sure if there is a single problem that cannot be fit into this behavioral model. It certainly applies to me and to everyone I know. Thank you Lori for waking everyone up.
Your comment is brilliantly stated as well. I'd say even the top 1% people will at times have these stories within their heads. They'll have those inner battles putting self imposed limits on themselves. The only difference is they've either been taught by someone or learned from someone consciously or unconsciously on being much more conscientiously about which battles they have in their lives.
This one is SO good. Thank you Lori!
Thank you for a brilliant perspective!
I´ve seen many Ted Talks and many other videos. And by many i mean MANY. Im really interested in psychology and everything about our thinking. This is one of the best videos I´ve ever seen when it comes to reinspecting (is that a word?) ourselfs. Super valuable.
Jan M agree!! 😊✨
Wow! What a great talk! To any fellow readers, she has a book named 'Maybe You Should Talk to Someone' on amazon.
This ted talk really opened my mind about my situations. Thanks!
Very well spoken! Thank you for the perspective.
She gave me a writing and psychological lesson lmao The audience isn’t very active tho, that’s sad I think she did a good job