The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy | Becky Kennedy | TED
Everyone loses their temper from time to time - but the stakes are dizzyingly high when the focus of your fury is your own child. Clinical psychologist and renowned parenting whisperer Becky Kennedy is here to help. Not only does she have practical advice to help parents manage the guilt and shame of their not-so-great moments but she also models the types of conversations you can have to be a better parent. (Hint: this works in all other relationships too.) Bottom line? It's never too late to reconnect.
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This Ted talk should be watched at least once a month by every single parent on this planet.. Thanks…
I like your idea. I'd just add everyone! Everyone could benefit from this information!
Spot on. I am going to make that hard call to my adult child and give her the apology she deserves. The one I never received, the one I will now model for our future.
This is the best thing I've seen in a long time 😭 you're making generational changes that will impact the world. 💖 thank you 🙌✨
This comment made me tear up. Can I say I am proud of you?! Because I am♥️
You brought tears to my eyes. The good kind ❤
Wow, that's awesome that you are wanting to make a repair. I wish my mom would see this . 😕
Beautiful. How’d the call go?
My dad wasn’t around a lot when I was a kid. When I saw him, he was always angry. However, my dad did one thing right… He always told me that he wasn’t mad at me, he was mad at what I did. That one statement had a huge impact in how I raised my kids… This talk confirmed something I knew, but could never have explained. Thank you.
Repair really works, even years later. A few months ago, my mom and I "replayed" a scene from my childhood - from 24 years ago, when I was 8 - wherein I felt I had to minimize my needs in order to not be an inconvenience, in order to be "good." At age 32, replaying this memory, I asked my mom for reassurance that asking for my needs to be met wasn't bad, and she said something incredible: "You don't *have* to be *good.*" I cried for so long and felt a huge weight lift. And now that scene from my childhood, that memory, I don't even think about it anymore. I used to think about it all the time when I was upset. It truly is never too late.
Beautiful ❤
Wow good for you
This was beautiful and I am so happy you got that validation. Much love!
That's amazing, thank you for sharing 🙏
I shouldn't have watched this at work because now I'm crying at my desk. My childhood was very, very bad and you're right, that phone call from my parents would change everything.
Self repair - separating your identity - who you are, from your behaviour - what you did. then... repairing child's self blame to self trust.. wow, this is sooo deep, I need it.. thanks
Came here for a TED talk and left wiping tears from my eyes 😭
- Repair involves acknowledging moments of disconnection, taking responsibility for one's behavior, and addressing the impact on the other person. - Repair is not just about apologizing but about reconnection and addressing the emotional impact. - Repairing with children can have a lifelong impact, teaching them valuable emotional regulation and communication skills. It is never too late to repair and improve relationships with children.
lol thank you, this comment is all I came for.
Thanks for this … it’s beautiful written and add this to my journal journey ⭐️
I'm a father for the first time. My son in almost three. I do yell at him more than few times during last year and a half. During that time I've taken a DBT skills training, have listen couple of dozens webinars about self-regulation, NVC, etc. But these two sentences about agreeing that I just said something which I'm not proid of and it's not defining me as a parent seem to be a game changer. Althoug my son is just and almost three yeara old, I'll repair the situation tomorrow morning. The sooner, the quicker I learn how to do that and the better our relationship. Thank you ❤
You’re a good dad ❤
Well said man.❤
Make it your goal to help your children to love God. Then they will act wisely even when they are not with you. Just as God teaches by example, teach your children to love God by your example. Ephesians 6:4
The phone call exercise was powerful, got tears in my eyes listening to it. Great talk Becky, I will be a better father because of this.
Yes, the same
That truly was one of the most powerful conclusions to a Ted talk I've ever heard.
I cried...
As a 39 year old woman. This “phone call” had me in tears.
So much this
Repair, self-regulate, and revisit those moments. And, remember, it is NEVER TOO LATE. Becky, this is brilliant. Thank you!
Kids are the ones who are brilliant. They give us second and third and million more second chances.
@@sak2104Wisdom. Thanks.
My mother died never apologizing to me for what she put me through. I’m messed up today and can’t make decisions for myself. I get confused easily and I think horribly about myself when someone compliments me. I don’t like taking pictures with people. I have two children and I apologize to my 5 year old and accept accountability for what I’ve done. But finding a balance is hard when you think everything is your fault. This video honestly helped me more than most therapists have. Thank you
I want to appreciate u. Plz take it as just that. Bless u to get well. And be well with ur children.
@@contemplore hey thank you for your kindness. I wish you the best with yours as well ❤️
@@salma_Nella22 ✨
Sending love to your child heart ❤️
@@abigaileggleston9108 thank you 🙏
It is extremely hard to learn self-regulation as an adult. But it's so worth it when you can teach the next generation so they have a chance to reach the stars without holding themselves back in negative though loops. This is fantastic and gives me so much hope for the future ✨
And, you improve your ability to self-regulate in the process.
It doesn't really matter what you teach them, honestly. Parents have less influence over their kids's outcome than they realize. Many kids today spend HUGE amounts of time on social media. Maybe you can control your kid's screen time until he's in high school, but, after that, your kid will be influenced more by social media influencers than their parents. The social media algorithms ARE DESIGNED to addict your kids to it's content. That's a fact.
You are putting on the same level an adult and a child
Maybe for some, but not all.
Throughout this talk I did feel myself tearing up, not from a parents perspective, but a childs. My relationship with my parents wasn't always great, and still isn't all the time. Repair is the perfect expression for what I've subconsciously been trying to do, not just with myself lately, but the people around me. Always trying to minimize harm, but never really being satisfied with the changes I see, and sometimes unsuccessfully bridging the gap with the people I love. Seeing repair in a new light, that disconnect is a fork in the road, and the action you take determines whether you strenghten or weaken your bonds, is mind-opening on a sincere level for me. I've always struggled managing my own feelings, not quite understanding other's. I'm honestly a little overwhelmed right now, but it feels nice to put into words what a life lesson this seemingly simple talk has been. I hope you know how impactful sharing your story with the world truly can be. Thank you, Becky.
"Adult children of emotionally immature parents" I recommend you read it. Cheers!
My parents were good at this and so many more healthy parenting practices. They showed us what unconditional love is. Thanks ❤️
I stumbled on your video while searching for some parenting advice because of me yelling most of the time when I get frustrated. This really hits me hard. I am so struggling with calming myself down when in a heated situation.😢 I felt sorry for my child. But you know what I do? I don't let her go to sleep without me apologizing for my behaviour because I don't want to see myself to her one day. I don't want her to be like me. I want to let her know that it's not her fault, it was mine.😢 I don't want her to grow old and picture me as a terrible mom. I want to be her safest place someday.
I balled through this talk. My oldest daughter is now 12. Since my divorce, i dont get to see her much. For 6 years she, her mom and her little sister, endured my emotional disregulation following a brain injury. Having worked hard to regain control (4 counsellors, meds, daily exercise, clean lifestyle, and a team of about 45 different medical professionals), i now have a good coparenting relationship with her mom and the most amazingly positive relationship with her little sister. I think our youngest was too young to remember the worst, but my oldest and I continue to struggle. Thank you for this Ted Talk. I think you were able to articulate, what I have struggled so hard to sort out. With your insights, I now know how to approach a letter I have been trying to write for two years to my daughter. Thank you so much.
You sound like a wonderful dad! I am sorry you had to go through all that, I am sure you daughter will understand you. Sending you lots of positive thoughts!
I cried with the imagination exercise at the end. So much pain in my own childhood. I vow to try my best in parenting, not aiming for perfection but continuing learning and improving.
This has got to be the BEST parenting advice that I have heard ever since becoming a parent myself.
I'm a first time mom. Now that my child is growing it is extremely important for me to learn how to parent without causing damage to our relationship and his personality
This might be one of the most impactful TED Talks I have ever seen. I know just by seeing this and being open to improving my parenting, I will be better. Thank you.
Yes, this really spoke to me! I want to improve my parenting and I’m so thankful that I saw this.
What's she saying in one sentence?
Agree ❤❤
🤘 Right on! So glad there are parents out there wanting to make their children's lives better.
I’m grateful that it isn’t too late for me to repair a rupture that was never my childrens’ fault. This was both healing and humbling. You’ve inspired me so much. I take responsibility & want to be an example of Repair to my young-adult kids, one of which just had her first baby. What a gift this was for me!
That is exactly what my husband has told me to do when I snap. He's not a psychologist, but I've come to realize he's right.
Thank you so much for this talk. I cried while I was watching your video. I am now 30 years old, became a mother myself but I feel like I never stopped being a child and desperately need my parents’ repair! My parents blamed me for their failed marriage, their unhappy relationships outside of the house because THEY HAD NOONE TO BLAME, so they chose their own child to blame. Until now I still struggle to stop self-blaming for what I did or what others did. But I wanted to improve that and want to give myself to chance to heal from the childhood’s trauma, so I found a technique : I promised myself that I would do whatever it takes to protect my son from what I had experienced because I know how much it destroyed a person’s future. And every time I accidentally yell or act crazily to my son, I apologized to him, I told myself “ That is what my parent should tell me” and then I heal a little by little. I hope that one day I could find peace, and hope that I don’t have to spend the rest of my life to do so.
Good on you 👏 self reflection is damn hard. It sounds like your on a good path to heal & help your own 🤘
Love love love!!! Thank you for normailizing parents being imperfect who are striving to repair and grow all the time! So appreciate the spot on advice to repairing!
Becky you really saved my day. I was agonizing over my own parenting problems. Now I should keep trying to repair it. I got such a great insight from you. Thank you so much!!
This is what i needed as a kid and its what i still need from my parents in my adult life... i will do my best to fix this with my children
u are not alone
As a life coach I would love to help you through this process. -)
An actual apology is not just an "I'm sorry, let's move on." I believe an actual apology has three steps. One: I'm sorry for action X. Two: an acknowdgement of how it made the other person feel. Three: a plan on how to not do that action again.
When I was 15 I was told it was too late for me to change my childhood experience and too late for my parents to enjoy parenting me. When I was 24 I was told it was too late to get out of my relationship with an abusive man because I married him. When I was 35 I was told it was too late for me to ever get married again or have a happy relationship. Hearing Dr Becky say "It's never too late to repair" has given me a glimmer of hope. I may never be able to get those years back, but it's never too late to change the future. And it's not too late to help change the trajectory of my sons' lives and teach them they can have different experiences than I had. Thank you, Dr Becky 💐
I just cry while listening to her. It is a very relatable thing and everyone needs to remember that repair is possible and it is never too late.
I am working to heal all of this. Thank you, Becky! Sometimes it’s not just yelling, but also dismissing feelings, ideas, or not listening (it’s always important to listen when kids or others want to talk), or being present, and so much more. Learning to be in the moment and be responsive and supportive and also to repair. Being able to make it about the other person and helping them heal and not about me or my “failure” (it happened and I can fix it).
This is the most beneficial, and self-improving TED talk I've heard in my life considering I grew up in a household where there was not much conversation about important issues. Thank you for shedding some light on the basic ways to communicate effectively with others in my family, and also with my partner. Thank you for being on this earth!!
This TED talk about the importance of repair in parenting truly resonated with me. As a parent, it's easy to feel the weight of perfection, but her message reminds us that we all make mistakes. What matters most is our ability to repair those moments of disconnection. Her example of a tense interaction with her son beautifully illustrates how meaningful repair can be in preventing lasting distress and self-blame. I appreciate the idea of seeing repair as an opportunity for growth and connection, as it fosters trust, safety, and stronger bonds with our children. This talk serves as a valuable reminder that, as parents, we have the power to mend and strengthen our relationships. Thank you for sharing!
I just LOVE Dr. Becky and am thrilled this concept of repair is going to get the visibility this world needs.
This is so beautiful, Dr. Becky! So expertly communicated with love and compassion and understanding. You're a blessing to all of us parents!!!! 👏🏻
This TED means a lot to me because I 'm struggling for just the same situation, the kitchen. I will definitely repair the connection today. Thank you so much.
Every time I rewatch this talk, it gets better! Thanks Dr. Becky!
i grew up with an unmedicated single schizophrenic mother (refused to take treatment as she didn’t believe the diagnosis). I remember vividly thinking that if I was good, she wouldn’t have extra stress and go into psychosis. Even if the yelling wasn’t at me, the impact was tremendous on my emotional state. She would often go into a state of clarity where should would cry and apologize for the trauma she caused… followed by a rant about all the government agents and demons that were trying to kill us. I understand it’s not necessarily her fault and have consequently had to learn these self regulation techniques to the extreme. I’m 23 now and I can’t wait to employ better parenting practices on my future children❤ Great and informative talk!
I am so sorry for your childhood.. you are an amazing human being, and you will be a great parent
I'm so sorry you had to grow up around psychosis. My dad didn't experience psychosis, but his moods would swing wildly from happy to yelling within 90 seconds over practically nothing. He was so unpredictable that I tried to be as "good" as possible to avoid setting him off. It was just screaming, never hitting, but in some ways it was much more damaging because I couldn't even point to what he had done that had traumatized me so badly. I hope you know that you don't have to be good to be lovable and loved. You're wonderful even when you mess up.
Yes!!!! Dr. Becky and TED in one place? Literally was listening to her Good Inside audible a few hours ago. So thankful for you and what you share.
It made me cry. Thank you Dr. Becky ❤
Great talk that brought back a lot of memories from the past. This should be watched by all the parents every now and then.
Heartbreaking, true, and healing , touched me deeply, to tears Thank you so much ! 🙏🏻
Bah! I so love you Becky. Thank you for being SO KIND, and helping with practical help…
What a profound TED Talk! I almost teared up. It's been a long time since I've seen a talk like this. Thanks!
Anyone else crying because they know their mother or father would never take the time or effort to do a repair like this? 💔
Steps for Repairing Relationships:- Step one is recognizing the rupture or disconnection. Step two involves taking responsibility for one's behavior and acknowledging its impact on others. The speaker emphasizes the importance of differentiating repair from a simple apology.
Parenting is a tough job, but I think makes most of us better people. We are forced to step up to the plate and become more than we were. Thanks for the brilliant talk and inspiring advice. A great transcendent message, and captivating speech -- props to TED for hosting such a talented speaker and thoughtful mother!
This is outstanding! So glad you shared this TED and more glad I listened to it. Thank You
So amazing. Thank you Dr. Becky!
This is so true & useful to hear, understand, absorb and practise. Thank you, from a separated dad to an amazing 14 year old young man ❤
Thank you so much. This is exactly what I needed to know in such an opportune time. Grateful for this Ted talk.❤🙏
I was a perfect mom until I actually had children 🤭
I too, was a better parent to someone else's kids! 😂😂 After having mine, who is 2. I can't consume enough patenting educational videos! Thankfully, with the information available, we can improve on what we thought we knew! It's a beautiful thing when the ego takes a back seat. Anything is possible! ❤
Haha, same.
So much appreciate the sharing, Becky. It makes so much sense and it teaches me courage to help myself and learning to raise my child. Much respect your work.
A brilliant speech. Every parent ought to watch it, at least once in life.
Thank you for your wonderful lession. I always know from my heart that my kids are lovely children and I still snap sometime and yell at them. I will remember your lession and try to improve my self and the connection with my kids.
What a beautiful talk. Thank you.
Thank you I'm crying that end was just hit the nail on the head 😢
Very useful advice, I will for sure implement it in my relationship with my kids!
Incredible talk! This is something all parents need to hear. There is so much pain among so many adults who were once children and treated poorly by their parents. Repair goes a long ways! I was constantly given the silent treatment and faced emotional neglect as a child. As a result, I grew up with terribly low self-esteem and now I am left dealing with cPTSD. Through countless therapy sessions, I am finally rounding the corner. I now have a child of my own and I am able to be a much better parent to her and hope to model the recommendations you have given in this talk. I sent this video to my parents as well. Thank you for this work you are doing!
I'm glad you got value out of the talk, but I think she's overcomplicating things. In the example, there's just a lack of understanding. The child doesn't understand the parent's stress, and the parent doesn't understand the child's desire to eat different food. They just need to talk it out and understand each other. That's it. The problem with her steps is that they can easily result in lying. Say that you take responsibility even when you don't mean it or say that you'll do something differently the next time it happens only to do the same thing all over again. Kids can tell when you're lying, and there's no better way than lying to erode the relationship you have with your child.
OMG! I’m on the public bus with tears in my eyes. This hit me so hard. Thank you for this 🙏🏽
This is a very relevant, substantive and advanced approach to repairing and maintaining healthy relationships, for parents and children and all relationships. Thank you ❤ It’s an invaluable lesson amongst all of the media noise.
I wish you knew how impactful your talk has become 🙏 you’ve changed lives
Dr. Becky is amazing. I love her teachings.
This message could change the world, one child-parent relationship at a time. Thank you so much for articulating tools that those of us who aren't experts but want to get this right can understand and implement.
I think in the scenario Becky described at the beginning, I actually think it could serve as a valuable lesson to kids, that parents are not perfect, other people have stressed that you don't see, that there's a better way to communicate your opinion of the food prepared for you by other people...
I saw such an improvement with just empathizing with my kids that I missed the last important step (until this week): "what can we do better next time?" And just in this week I've seen my children picking better choices to problems we have endured for years. 😊❤
So happy you did a TED Talk, you are the best Becky! You helped me change my relationship with my child and myself ❤
❤❤❤
This is gold. All parents should listen to this!
I’m no expert and far from perfect as a parent, but if I snap and yell at my kid I give it s few minutes to calm down and apologize, explain that it’s wrong, and try to do better.
Well done. Seriously. I've found it an exceedingly rare trait to take accountability and commit to improvement. And I'm talking about a serious commitment, not an empty gesture. Most people I've met (and I mean nearly all) blame others and justify their actions, and only consider personal betterment when it's attached to self-service.
That's exactly what I just said to the screen. If you snapped at them and know you are wrong, you give both of you a few minutes to calm down and then go in and apologize. I'd also explain how it feels to be a parent who has to figure out dinners and when people in the house are rude about it that it hurts/feels bad. The child needs to learn to say things in a better way also.
Most human beings hate acknowledging their mistakes
The speaker makes a distinction between apology and repair. Do you?
Thank you for putting this rule into words. I too lost my cool momentarily but also tried to apologised later on
Thank you very much for that beautiful message on parenting ! God bless you Becky ! You and your family ! 😃
Thank you for this. Real powerful.
Thank you so much for your talk, it helps me in so many ways
What a touching but also useful talk. Thank you for sharing.
One think that's very hard and solves most of inter-personal relations is quality of being calm and forgiving.
This is so important that we learn as parents! We can't be perfect...but we can be humble enough to apologize and repair when we do make mistakes. If there's one thing I want my children to learn, it's that we all make mistakes, even mom. But we don't have to stay in those mistakes and let them define us and our relationships. "I'm sorry, I was wrong, please forgive me" goes such a long way to connecting our hearts and repair the damage done.
Thank you so much for this
I am so glad that I watch this video when my kids are 2 and 3 years old. It’s not only lead my child growing but also I am leaded.
I did that when my son’s were grown. What a difference it has made in our relationships. My (psychologist) mother never did that with me (us). Great TT.
Thank you for this. Good inside is a must read!
. It's so true that we all make mistakes, especially as parents, but the key is learning how to repair those moments of disconnection. It's never too late to apologize and make amends with our children, and I love the idea of teaching them valuable skills like regulating their emotions and communicating effectively.
Well, we first need to teach them not to complain when their mother is cooking a beautiful dinner for them. If I were cooking dinner for my family, and one of my kids complained that the chicken I was cooking was "disgusting", then he would not be eating any dinner that night. And I would not yell at him or get into a shouting match with him. All I would say to him is, "No dinner for you tonight until you can truly appreciate the privilege of having food to eat." And that would be that.
Wow - the 2 stories are very powerful. I could immediately relate to ‚the chicken‘ story as I am a working mum with 2 teenagers. For me connecting with nature e.g. going for a walk helps before a ‚repair‘ or any other listening conversation with them.
Best parent strategy is to have both parents.
So powerful. This resonated hard with me.
Came here for a TED talk and left wiping tears from my eyes
By far one of all time favorite TED talks. Comment section is giving me hope for humanity.
This is such a valuable talk. So glad I watched. Will share.
Thank you TED, I just discovered Dr Becky Kennedy today. My kids will def have a more meaningful life
Such an amazing video. Thank you.
Amazing. You are just amazing Dr Becky
How to repair: 7:33 Step 1: Repair with yourself 8:41 Step 2: Repair with your child -- 1) Name what happened; 2) take responsibility; 3) state what you would do differently the next time.
And don’t forget speak to your child about their inappropriate behaviour and what and how that should change in future.
I am so grateful I stumbled upon this. This is something I will be sure to try. Thank you for helping me realize this is a common struggle with most parents; I truly feel can grow from this TedTalk so much.
I am currently in therapy with my grown daughter I feel so hopeful and know that God answered my prayer for guidance and healing of our relationship. How I wish that I had these tools as a young mother. Taking full responsibility for my choices and behaviors that were traumatizing to my daughter, which were never intentional but never the less were very much traumatizing how the being able to use these tools our relationship would never have gotten to the point it is now. I feel very grateful for the opportunity to make repair. effectively repair.
This came at the perfect time and has given me powerful insight to my own circumstances. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for this. As a mom of twin toddlers I understand parenting is hard. Ufffff thank you also for the crying session at the end. I was just thinking “why am I crying?!” I had a lovely childhood. But still that had an effect on me. Thank you.
Thank you a million times!
This video delivers a powerful message about the fundamental importance of connection in parenting. Understanding that genuine connection fosters trust, resilience, and emotional well-being in children is truly eye-opening. Incorporating this strategy into our parenting approach can revolutionize the way we nurture our kids and strengthen our bond with them. Thank you for sharing such valuable insights!
One of the all time best talks that I have ever watched!
This is incredible. Dr. Becky is brilliant!
That last part is really powerful. Go watch “Good Will Hunting”, the scene with Robin Williams telling a messed up young Matt Damon…”its not your fault” over and over. Truly heartbreaking and impactful, and really shows in the darkest of examples that even older children when told, and believe, that it isn’t their fault, find a way out of trauma and into acceptance and healing. Of course if he was a little terror and it is their fault something happened then this wont work but lets assume this is not the case, then micro adjustments and ongoing healing can be a powerful tool to raising confident emotionally stable young adults.
It’s never too late 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 Thank you for this nugget of wisdom 🙏🏾