How to Raise Successful Kids -- Without Over-Parenting | Julie Lythcott-Haims | TED
By loading kids with high expectations and micromanaging their lives at every turn, parents aren't actually helping. At least, that's how Julie Lythcott-Haims sees it. With passion and wry humor, the former Dean of Freshmen at Stanford makes the case for parents to stop defining their children's success via grades and test scores. Instead, she says, they should focus on providing the oldest idea of all: unconditional love.
Whether you’re just launching your adult life or finally giving yourself permission to question assumptions about adulthood, learn practical strategies to build a future that fits you from Julie Lythcott-Haims. Enroll in her TED Course “How to become be your best adult self” today: tedtalks.social/3OmpymZ
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Whether you’re just launching your adult life or finally giving yourself permission to question assumptions about adulthood, learn practical strategies to build a future that fits you from Julie Lythcott-Haims. Enroll in her TED Course “How to become be your best adult self” today: tedtalks.social/3OmpymZ
Like 😊 0:53 😊😊😊
❤ Now I only trust kidzoot care services. It has changed my life anything like that. 😊This is also great content
❤❤❤❤
My father who passed away in August 28th, 2021, taught me to do chores at home. Laundry, dishwashing, cooking, house cleaning, taking care of my younger brothers. Now my wife is so happy she married me because I do our own chores without complaining, Thanks Pops. Miss you.
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So did my mom who also passed on on the 19th of August 2021... She taught me to be brisk, dexterous with all forms of domesticites. She placed the tenets of her profession in my hands. Love you greatly mom.
Same here. My father passed away on 24th August, 2021. Miss him.
@@stripat Plpn by a
I told my daughter’s teacher that she will no longer be doing homework a few years ago. We now tell her new teacher every year the same. She thought I was kidding, but I wasn’t. She does chores, has horse riding, and family time, she is already in school 7 hours a day. And guess what, she scores the same as the other students but she is much, much happier. Our anxiety ridden 4th grader is now a confident bright young woman.
This is powerful. Thanks for sharing
This is powerful. Thanks for sharing
@@rabiaali4302 Thanks. Noted and appreciated
Sounds like micro managing to me
@@elionh4532 nah
Lol I’m 14 and I’m already trying to figure out how to raise my future kids correctly😂I just see a lot of my friends suffering because of their parents and I’m like “nope, not gonna be me”. I plan on collecting knowledge throughout my teenage years so when the time comes I’ll hopefully be a good mom.
Woah! I’m 40 and I think you are amazing to even want to learn of the good informations on how to be a good mom! I’m sure you will raise happy successful kids 👍👍👍👍
Research Montessori parenting!
Thats great!!
I was the same when I was a teen. Now, 35, don’t even have children. Just know everything is going to turn out just fine. And your future self has everything you need to be a good parent
Mee too I'm officially a teenager 15 yo same gathering more and More information to b great dad.
My parents are farmers. My mom spent almost her entire life under sun and rain and wanting that her kids not end up like her. My dad was a small-village pastor who helped out in the farms whenever he could. They both understood the value of education,not just at home but in school as well. Discipline was important to them but they never failed to tell us and show us how much they loved us , even while disciplining us for our wrongdoings. But most importantly, even though they both never finished high school, they made sure to live by example in the things that they knew best: being compassionate, kind, loving and so on to any and every person. We're 12 children. The twelfth had just enrolled into university as a nursing student. They have raised 12 children who will forever be grateful for having them as parents.
Im sure some of your siblings will still complain like many here. Parents these days can’t catch a break. It’s like people forget parents are humans with no prior experience In parenting and deep down most just want the best for us.
Beautiful
On your second sentence, i almost started to tear up
How did they keep you out of trouble.
Absolutely Beautiful!😢
I've been pushed by my parents to be good at everything. In school, in college, in relationship. I've been told how to work hard, how to be best and not afraid. I also got a lot of love and support. Nobody would be disappointed if I fail, but everybody will be happy if I win. I've been pushed all my teenage years to be better than majority of my friends... sounds bad I know. And you know what. I am 30 y.o. woman who has everything that makes her happy. Stability, job that I love, family, opportunity to grow ,travel all over the world, not worry about bills, broken cars , rents, finding job, saving money.... Yes, I'm not perfect , I'm human , and I don't want to be perfect... but I'm very thankful to my parents,who pushed me so hard through my teenage years bc It really benefitted my future life. it really did. There's no other way to get what you want in life except force yourself to go and do what you have to do . But when you're teenager , your parents are your forcing power. And nothing is wrong with that.
MJ Watson Your parents sound as if they mastered the art of balance. Never disappointed if you fail, but happy if you win. That's beautiful. I believe what this lady is talking about is parents selfishly projecting their personal desires onto their children. Parents should be stern with their children but that must accompanied with love and appreciation. Micro-management of every single element of their life is suffocating. There are a lot things that this woman is still not saying...i guess for the sake of saving time. But I'm a product of exactly what she's talking about. I think your parents got it right :-)
MJ you should be doing the talk. You said more in few word thank the lady in 14 mins!
MJ Watson same here
Love you sweetie for this piece u wrote... I love my daughter and prod her to get the best of education and be independent in life
Am absolutely agree with you, it true.....we can say that you are successful person now because of caring great love of your parents.... nowadays people doesn't understand it....most of us believe that kids has to given all dangerous freedom.....
My parents used to be like that. Then, when I got into the perfecte degree in the perfect college, I had a breakdown that left me bedridden for a whole year. They realized what had happened and now they are being absolutely amazing, understanding and encouraging-but-not-overbearing parents to my little brother (and to me as well). I love them so much, and I respect and admire them so much for havig the courage of admitting their own shortcomings and to truly rethink their parenting style to become better for their kids ❤️
Exact same story here. I got diagnosed with bipolar at the time. I had no opportunities in my country so I had to suck it up and get that stupid degree so I could leave my country and I did but it came with a huge cost to my mental health. When I finally made it to europe I had another mental breakdown. But I went back again a year later and finally made it here. Luck has it I ended up in a toxic work environment too coz when you are straight out of school your only option is to take whatever job you are offered coz you have no experience. Now I quit my job and am finally going in a direction that I am choosing and weirdly I have been working way harder than I did at work and obviously am way happier! Little brother was allowed to become a musician and honestly even though he isn't earning yet my parents aren't putting any pressure on him coz he is only 22 so they are giving him enough time to try until he is 25, then he may have to find a conventional job but that's already so good! He has been releasing songs marketing them, designing the cover etc which means digital marketing skills, photoshoot, graphic design, video and audio editing. You see where I am going with this haha, now he can get a "normal" job too in the worst case scenario because he gained those skills without going to school for it. He is still anxious though because he has a self imposed deadline too but I told him to not give up on it ever, if he gets a full time job he can work on his music part time, slow releases, slower progress is better than giving up.
I'm crying so hard my heart aches because I feel the pressures of the children from narcissistic parents who control their children "too much" and destroy their self confidence. This speech is a breakthrough. Thank you. I love this.
You're a good person
@@charlesnkuubilwanga8051 thank you
Yes yes yes!
I am a 25 year old female, who unfortunately grew up with such parents. I went to the best schools, I had food on my table, every "material" thing I needed, they provided. I don't complain, I am really appreciative and respect my parents. But later on in life, I realized they neglected something else, my emotional growth.( Probably they had no information about it, they just did what they knew) I came to understand my parents were toxic, controlling and damaging to my emotional being. I realized that I had all these receptors of fear, anxiety, self doubt and yearn for approval. I realized that growing up, I ended up raising my " emotional growth" on my own. I realized I ended up repressing every emotion that I felt because no one was receptive to what I felt. I realized that I was a sensitive and highly expressive child but every time I expressed how I felt, my emotions were blocked and perceived as weakness, meanness and seen as a difficult child. I realized that this helped my build confidence in order to protect myself. Every time any of my parents hurt me, I always felt the need to let them know I wasn't happy. Instead, they overly criticized me and termed it as disrespectful. I had to reparent my emotions myself. I had to make myself understand that even though I got all the material things that helped me in my growth, I knew I lacked something. That is why I intentionally am interested in learning everything I need to know to become a healthy parent and raise balanced children.( Emotionally, physically, spiritual, mentally) And to everyone reading this, it's not your fault that you were raised that way, I hope that you get to heal. And that you learn what you need to, and unlearn what you were exposed to and is unhealthy. And that you will be the best parents! Much love!!
Thank you for sharing. I don’t know why, but I felt like you were talking about me.😂 And I get the vibe you gonna be a good parent. 👍 But for me every time I talk with my mother. I feel like I don’t wanna have any kids.
@@ridwanosman5644 Thank you,I would want to do better. I know how it feels, I totally understand
Wow you got all this at just 25, you are amazing! ❤ I'm 35, I've been on this "reparenting journey" for 10+ years now, and I'm still working extra hard just to maintain my emotions and relationships in a healthy way. I was raised to put school and diplomas 1st, and as soon as I finally left home and all that - all I wanted was love & happiness, with a family I make on my own. Wishing you all the best on your journey, you got this ❤
You are very young but so wise already 😊 I have an 18 yr old that just dropped out if high school. I don’t know what to do. I’m a bad parent 😢
I'm crying over your comment
"Self-efficacy is built when one sees that one's actions leads to outcomes", I love that.
This year I told my kids we are letting the pressure off. In an attempt to make children the best we are creating a generation of neurotics. I’m learning to hear what my children need from them. It’s ok if kids are not the best at everything but they should be the best version of themselves. Children need more time with parents. It’s the simple things that touch them, take a walk and just listen to them. Tell jokes and laugh together. Hug them everyday. The most important thing is to pray and ask God to guide you in raising them.🙏
amen
Amen amen
It's shocking that parents need to be told this
@@StephanieTips I hear you, but when we don’t seek God, and we’re left to our own devices, we should not be shocked at the depth of depravity of man.
Very well-said!
I think every parent must watch this video. We as a parent put so much pressure on our kids to be perfect in every thing that often, we forget that the pressure that we are inserting to our kids may cause of their anxiety and stress. According to most of the parents one who is good in academic only he/ she can become successful in life. Parents always forget to appreciate their kids work or at least effort that the kids put in carrying out any work, exam or even in household chores.
My Mother, Jo Ann Mason, used to say that LOVE (which needs to be unconditional) + Expectations (which differ per person, because each person is different) + Limits (which don't change, people need boundaries) = a healthy start to a good human being
I like that formula 💯
Absolutely!
My mother used my “successes” as her gauge to show approval and basic humanity. It was never enough for her to show love, only maybe enough to prevent the threats of leaving or avoid hearing that I was a complete failure. Take it from me, don’t push your children towards your goals; it only teaches them that they aren’t good enough to make it on their own. I was “successful” in school and was the first in my family to get a degree, but I was also the most miserable, sad child of all 10 of us kids. Is that success? I know it isn’t.
I am so sorry to hear this, l hope you got over it as an adult, and found out that real worth comes from inside you.You deserve love for who you are.
I'm sorry you had to go through that ♥️♥️♥️♥️
I’m sorry she sounds like a Narcissist.
Therapy will teach you the skills needed to get through this trauma. I wish you the best.
You were miserable because you got an education? Get a grip! You are lucky. I am 42 with no education and let me tell you this: Behind my fake smile I am miserable because of lack of status and money.
I wish I saw this video before taking multiple AP classes, becoming club officers, joining sports, volunteering at my church, and spending hours of my day doing homework in a bedroom. It's very nice to say that I have these "accolades," but I can't remember the last time I had fun outside of an event that can be written on my brag sheet. Her talk was wonderful and quite applicable to my life as a high school student, however it wasn't really my parents who created these standards, but rather my own interpretations of societal expectations. I hope that one day I will have transformed my checklist into a motivation for success.
So, how did you go Elijah?
Wish I had a mother like her :'(
Buy youre Kids Minecraft, friends. Do it. And many Books; also Classics. Dont fall into the Trap to think Books 'get old and irrelevant'. Thats not how it works. The old Sherlock Holmes Books are still as they were: Masterpieces, engaging, good.
Yeah, but you are so much ahead of everyone else so you will have better opportunities and power. Just my two cents..
She's delivering her speech like spoken word poetry. Amazing job!
“We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection we were never asked to perform at.” That hit different
My sister wants to be a doctor and is stressing out over getting into Stanford. I asked her how many doctors has she actually been to/seen that graduated from Stanford or even Harvard or even Johns Hopkins? ZERO. She can get a medical degree from anywhere and she'll be okay. We need to chill the F out.
Wish I had a mother like her :'(
Word
Just because they got a degree from Stanford doesn’t necessarily mean they are the best at what they do. Usually kids that excel in general knowledge get there, because of endless tutoring, reading and math. However, as I said it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ve got what it takes to be a good doctor.
very needed because some kids can't even talk to parents about things because they know how they're gonna react which is wrong
Our children need to know that we love them whether or not they achieve or abide by societal standards. This is, by far, the best speech I've ever seen on Ted.
Exactly
Absolutely beautiful! Her enthusiasm is addictive and her speech is exactly what we, as parents, should listen to! Let your children become their best version! And chill sometimes :) Enjoy your miracles and enjoy your time together! Lots of love to everyone from a mother of 6!
How to raise a successful kid without over parenting? Make sure they understand that life isn't about high grades and a big bank account. Make sure they understand to grow up kind and compassionate, happy and making others happy.
true that
Compassionate? But only towards people please.
agreed 👍
well, YOUR life is about grades and money... ;)
amen!
The fact that people need to be told that their kids are their own people and not their parents' vanity projects is so sad.
IMHO when I have observed parents behaving this way, it is because they are trying to provide their children with the opportunities they themselves were never given. Thus, they do not know how it is achieved. I'm not sure I understand what 'vanity project' means but just out of curiosity, you think parents do this solely for themselves?
I agree. My mother is a tiger mom but she grew up in rural Jamaica and had to share shoes with her siblings- it comes from somewhere.
SowMuchMore For a good deal of these parents, it can come from their own background, but you'd be surprised at the number of parents who really do disregard their child's autonomy, health, and life desires. Even when the motivation is just wanting your child to have a better life than you did, some parents still push way too far. They may not accept a perfectly good career choice like being an electrician, because they wanted a lawyer.
I KNOW this is OLD lol but I've been trying to tell everybody "traditional family values are killing our children" give a child a " name" you give them a "title" or reference to have an actual "stake" in life teach a child the importance of THEIR title ( NOT YOURS or YOUR parents) and you give them an "institution" as well as the first steps towards a "systematic" lifestyle in which they will witness the effects of THEIR own actions upon THEIR own name ( brand lol tm) and consequently it's success . Lol it's like teaching a man to fish lol
Sometimes, parents get lost in their own journeys, their own pasts. And without realising it, these things are reflected onto their children's upbringings. Parents are also on a journey... and it isn't so sad to realise you could be treating your children differently!
I have walked the corridors of University taught kids adults to walk the same way...you are right Julie we made them nerds defining their success through grades and scores ...you said it right unconditional love should be our focus thank you for a brilliant narrative of what success means
I'm pretty proud of myself after listening to her because I just realized I practice most of what she is saying with my kids.
Wonderful talk by Julie. Parents just need to understand that raising happy kids is much more important than raising so called successful kids.
I think it depends on how you define success. If based on materialism and ego, no. I say successful ppl are always looking for ways to help other ppl. I like to emphasize character building, integrity, honesty, compassion, etc.
J Shipp .. .
So true!
The best parenting talk I've heard about parenting and the vital importance of having kids to do chores!
Yes, chores help build character. Put those cell phones down and lets listen to our kids
That's an amazing concept to think about. It builds discipline and prepares children to become well - organized, industrious young men and women of society. That's why it's said that there must be a balance between mental exercise and physical exercise.
You look the girl sitting the first clip of the audience “ its your twin “ 🤔😯🤭
My mum made Ratio Acedemy which is about motivation families to spend time together by doing activities
I hate chores as much as the next teenager, but at least I know how to do dishes, right? Lol
Raised "school smart" and "life stupid" was my experience, that and the resulting adult I was for about a decade after left me with a lot of scars. Education is great, but a healthy human being needs that unconditional love, those acts of kindness between people, and those opportunities to grow own resilience in all aspects of life. It's that balance between "let kids be kids" and "children are people too", meaning care and protect, yes, but let them think, do and figure stuff out for themselves too! That's what I've come to believe, anyway.
I guess I owe my Mom another Thank You, but this time it will be for raising us to be well rounded and with a mindset to help and make something better than the way we received/ borrowed it. ~Shout out to my Mom~
I would show this to my parents but they would just ask why I'm not doing homework....
Lol
Bob daBuilder You can try though. They might just agree like you :)
😂dying
Good one
Bob daBuilder parents want you to focus on education... life isn't about high grades
I wish I would have heard about this when I was in school. I never thought of community college as good enough when it was perfectly fine.
It’s so sad that even today it is still a stigma to attend community college. My husband and I my met while attending community college. We got married, transferred to a state university, graduated, worked, raised children, retired and are running a business. Sadly, many have fallen into this mindset.
Same.
@@29stmarksrd r 3
I appreciate this. I homeschool and at times I feel like I'm not pushing them enough, but then we will go out, and they will quickly have thier way of letting me know, they have been learning and paying attention with and without my assistance. Balance is very important with the kiddos.
You're right, Balance is very important for them. There is no school equal to a decent home and no teacher equal to a virtuous parent. We host webinars on such topics, we also host game sessions for kids & educators and we provide SEL related games for kids! 🚀✅
I went to one of the best high schools in my state that I competed to get into. I tried so dang hard to be the perfect student. I only slept about 4 hours a night and still I did not get the grades I wanted. Often I felt I deserved to die for not being perfect. I once said to my middle school teacher causally "what's the point of living if I'm going to fail" and she turned me into the school social worker who then made me go to the emergency room. All my teachers acting scandalized as if there was something wrong with me instead of asking what was wrong with all this pressure. I graduated middle school in 2008 and high school in 2012 btw.
We are imperfect people trying to raise perfect children. Go figure.
L Mo I try to tell my hubby that all the time! I tell him to look back at his life then you can understand our son's lives! I remind him that he made plenty of mistakes, and don't forget it!
How true !
L Mo true
People(EVERYONE) are eventually confronted with an inevitable TRUTH ( even though it's really not true lol) that THEY have somehow "failed" at being the BEST possible version of what they COULD have been and everyone( ALL who procreate intentionally lol) hopes their child will actually be ( perfection lol) at least a better version or "representation" of THEM hence the reason you see a LOT of parents actually "living through" their children lol and it is actually quite a sad and SORRY sight to see lol
It's all start with straightening the Male seamen! Video children and Immorality kzhead.info/sun/eZGIka2Pj1-sn6s/bejne.html
acknowledge your own failures and don't try to life through your child.
Linda Samuels could you call #@!* at 000-000-0000 and restate that please in more detail...😐😁😄 we need a chat room a blog something just for those women.
Linda Samuels and she said that's she's
Do you know where I could find help on carrying others parenting burdens?
Shouldn't it be your duty to stop the cycle of dysfunction ?
Wish I had a mother like her :'(
I’ve had this in my watch later for years and just watched it right now. I made a poem in high school a few years ago about this topic. My teachers used to say and continue to say that you’re going to be nothing but a number in university, at your job, and in the future in general. So many of my friends who were phenomenal people and smart and talented developed anxiety and suffered with their mental health because so much pressure was put on students at a young age and we constantly feel like if we mess up in high school that’ll affect any career opportunities in the future and ultimately the rest of your life. Now in university, burnout is so prevalent and perfection is the standard that we hold ourselves to because of our need for academic and career-based validation.
Wow!! That was such a great ted talk!! I appreciate my mom giving me a childhood of love and chores. The school system always pressured me that going to college is success, but my mom loving told me to do what I want to do. I did one year of college, decided to work, ended up in Walmart first-and grew amazing relationships and experiences that have taught me and grew me. After getting married and moving to the city I found it was time to move to a new job but I wanted it to be something meaningful and now I’m a caregiver and LOVE it!!! I’m glad my mom told me to always follow what I WANT, and it stuck with me.
l honestly think that we , adults, are victims of bad parenting. What's worse is that we are repeating history on our offspring!
Many of us grew up in dysfunctional homes and don't know how to parent. It wasnt until I started reading books by Christain authors, listening to radio programs and being influenced by godly ppl that I began to have a different mind set.
You are sooo right!
Traditional family "values" are what KEEP children(ANY of them) at a disadvantage and is like a song on repeat mode HERE in the USA lol If I had learned to actually value and market MY NAME instead of always being afraid of bringing "harm" or dishonor upon MY FATHERS name then MAYBE I would have NOT ONLY been successful at an earlier age but could have known how to handle it later in life as well as seeing the repercussions of MY actions to MY NAME( and OBVIOUS success) and WOULD have had a HUGE advantage over ALL those other kids that said "well I wasn't raised THAT way" or "MY family NEVER believed in THAT" etc etc lol
You're comment IS a result of bad parenting, you obviously are taking no accountability for your own actions. At what age are you gonna stop blaming your parents for your behavior? You're a mess
J Shipp can you recommend me those books and authors
Great talk. It is hard sometimes keeping kids safe while not over parenting. I don't care what my kid does in the future as long as they are able to survive on their own while enjoying life.
Exactly! Many parents struggling to put the food on the table, they have no luxury to live by “ do what you love” Do what you love doesn’t always pay your bills.
Especially in today's world.
Love this message... I already knew this because my mom always shown me love and told me i can be anything now as a mother i just have to keep on doing the same thing to my children
😍❤️
I had laughs and tears along the way when saw this great speech, as a parent to a teen, lots of the information matched what I've done or the other parents have done to the kids. I think it's the critical time to have a reflection and change our way of parenting, thanks for the great tips been given, love and chores, I totally agree!
I started tearing up. It's good to see a parent acknowledge they screwed up and are coming to understand that their kids are people and not projects they can live vicariously through. I'm fortunate enough to even have parents who have "checklists" for me. What about the ones who don't have parents? Or the ones who don't want to fix their relationship with their parents because they don't listen and we would feel safer and happier away from them? How do we empower ourselves when we don't trust the adults in our lives to provide models for the human attachments you are lauding? What do we do? Sorry, I've got issues and I'm projecting. This is a very good step in the right direction, so thank you.
I am right there! I laughed so hard! Very refreshing to be reminded that our kids need us to be interested in lunch, smile at them, encourage them to take ownership of their own futures! I know I have over parented my teen. Always looking at what he could do better and not celebrating his amazing success. I needed this vibrant and humorous reminder.
A heartfelt and a powerful speech from one of the best orators I have ever heard. 6:00 hitting the nail right on its head for most Indian and Asian kids. The concept of self-efficacy has to be preached.
Yeah but aren’t most Asians successful because of how much they care about their education?
I'm sure everyone can feel her incredibly amazing enthusiasm LOVE her so muchhh
Honestly as someone who has a masters degree and college debt I won't push my child to go to college. I will encourage him to be a good person but to focus on something he loves that he can make a lot of money. Lol
lol...TRUTH
Yep, just keep in mind that sometimes a child will love something that requires a degree - like maybe he wants to be a biochemist or a philosopher. So just make sure he understands the cost and how to lessen it with scholarships, grants, good summer jobs, etc. Like you said - lots of kids don't realize how much money is important even when they do something they love. Spot on.
Which is why I'm writing this, this way. Even today, I can't really _feel_ things that way, so much as _think_ about them and infer what I would be experiencing, if I weren't such a zombie. And I am still making many of the same mistakes; deferring, hesitating, putting aside my own well-being and wearing myself down. It's just that it doesn't grate at me anymore, because I'm already worn down to a nub. And my uncle can tell you what happens when I access what little reservoir I have left; either I go to pieces, or other things and people do. I get by, some way or other. When I can't put in more effort, I put my mind to things, and I trick my way through instead. Hopefully, that's going to end soon, as I'm heading back into education, with money and agency of my own under my belt. And whatever bullshit I need to spout or hack I need to quote to get a degree that will make people respect me, I'll do it. And then I'll get out of this socialist hellhole, and never call anyone from my past back again. Yeah, I know, it's the most tired old cliché in the book. "Floor one: Blame your parents; Floor two: Blame society..." But all those of us who have ever felt guilt or desperation or despair at all the potential squandered, at not being able to do anything about it, get kind of angry when you use schoolyard refutations to try to redirect the blame. I see numbers of youth unemployment go up precipitously, and I've met enough people from broken homes whose stories resonate with parts of mine. And it seems it's always somewhat similar; the "love" and the usual components of the social contract were there, but there was no follow-through. It's that Squash wall all over. Just a surface, with no actual rapport. If you're saying that this isn't a systemic problem, but merely a psychological and personal one, you're probably fooling yourself. It's way more complex than that. It's got to be. And we all have our theories why, which bear speculation. But what is clear is that we are raising a generation that apparently will have a lot less financial and personal "buoyancy" than ever before. And for all the people kind of like me out there, it doesn't seem like "love" or "thinking of the children" or any other feelgood facet is what's missing. Rather, it seems it's the underlying things that are supposed to come with it. _Tough_ love, when required. And sacrifice and discomfort, when _that_ is required. In retrospect, I would gladly have suffered my father beating me to set me straight, if only he hadn't built that fucking house. But the "40 Not Out"-generation? The feelgood, feminist, job perk, lend-and-spend generation that are the parents of today's failures? They didn't do that. And the educational and financial systems helped them. And this spirit of "It'll all turn out okay; just don't think too hard" hasn't gone away; it's only gotten worse. It's not just "talk" that's required; that often just leads you to deluding yourself into thinking you're helping, when in fact you might be doing the very opposite. No, what's required is a reality check. And because I don't want anyone to have to suffer through what I did, I say it can't come hard and fast enough. If you've gotten through all that BS, I'll say I'm impressed, and thank you. Now, go out and actually _do_ something.
Christy R Thats stupid advice
what do we do ??
I've watched this several times she very much speaks to my parenting style. I have always thought I'm raising someone's mother, someone's friend, someone's wife and husband
I feel so good watching this talk because I have been doing this with my 9 year old. Making sure she knows that the outcome of her efforts is hers, that chores, being kind, being strong, feeling capable, figuring out what makes you happy, are all just as important as good grades. There is no handbook on being a parent and at times, I find myself questioning how I am doing. What grade would I get for parenting? If there were such a thing? This was a great talk. Thank you so much for sharing it.
We agree, good grades are not always important but having a good mindset does. Kids should be in a comfortable & safe space to do any activities. Check us out for SEL(social emotional learning) related games, we also host webinars and game sessions for kids and as well as parents. 🚀
Thankyou so much for being here
“They need to know they matter to us as humans” That is the one thing we need to hold in our minds as we engage anyone in our orbit. 😊
Love & chores! Is funny how we get to improve at this as we try to pass it on, even if our parents haven't mastered it, or chores weren't simply part of their upbringing.
Wow, I can relate to a lot of this. This is one of the better talks in recent memory in my opinion (though I am partial to the hard science subjects). Thanks, Julie! My one bit of anecdotal evidence to add is that a lot of pressure can come from within and from external pressures, as well.
Hardest part of being a parent is making your children be better people of society. Such as how to be kind people BUT at a same time not to be taken advantage by abusive jerk people. Another one: how not to spoiled your children, but at the same time, how to let your children enjoy life once in a while after a hard work of the day. A parents' dream: to have their children grow up to be good people of society in making society better for the next generations.
Love it. Shared it to my kid's mom. she's a micromanager, and i'd like to see that change. They should manage themselves.
This may very well be MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE VIDEO ON KZhead!!! Thank you THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!
I wish this was mandatory 2 watch before a kid is born. This is deep; I wish I'd seen this years ago!! She's awesome with this delivery & info!
Free play and independent exploration are so important in helping children grow up to feel secure and capable. It's so much more important than any lesson a kid could learn in a classroom.
This is one of the best TED talks I've ever watched. Thank you so much ma'am. I really appreciate that you've spoken to us about this.
Thank you! I needed to here this. I am obsessed with grades! My daughter says I am mean!! So I will take this advice .😊😊
watch out with obsession with grades. This is usually the time where great depression and sadness can lead to suicide attempts. Focus on the interior (self worth, loving themselves) instead of the exterior (grades and universities).
There is nothing wrong with caring about grades. But when they are not good you also have to consider whether your child once was too lazy, a teacher is grading harsh (and the not perfect grade is very good though) or if your kid just cannot do better (None of us is talented in everything.) Only after asking ypurself that react.
@@Never_again_against_anyone There is a lot of nonsense out here in youtube... But then there are some very wise people out here willing to humbly share some A+ advice... What thoughtful guidance you offer us. It is very straight forward, but it can be very helpful to have an idea laid out on the table in plain simple fashion. Thanks, from a floundering mom finding her way.
Hey if you are looking for something for your daughter to do check out Tiger Claw Karate Dojo on youtube. Its free
Reading really scares my little princess at the beginning as she might make errors. I used this reading guideline *4ChildrenReading. Com* for two months and later discovered that she is already reading beginner novels by herself! We`re very impressed with the outcomes! The program is great for any age limit.?
The scary thing about all she's saying is that we often don't realize we're doing it. It took a while to realize the anxiety I felt when my child's grades dropped were the result of believing they were a reflection on my own (perceived) failures. I wasn't there enough, I didn't help enough, I didn't take enough omega-3s when I was pregnant, and on and on. When I finally let go a little, my child was so proud of her acheivements and not so hard on herself. Kind of broke my heart to see the pressure I was putting on her. We can guide but ultimately it's their life and they're the ones who have to live it.
Vanessa, it is awesome that you had that realization, and that you made positive changes in your life! We as parents do not understand the responsibility properly, and how her actions/words affect our children at such a high level! Personally, I recognize now that many of my difficulties/ challenges in my life were because of the way my parents treated me, and acted around me. I am now trying to break the cycle!
Thank you as always for sharing! I will watch any Ted talk show. Have never been let down. Each and every talk I watch, is great.
Very very well articulated. I have heard so many people on the same philosophy, but this lady is flawless in her expression!
Sometimes someone just has to say it, and this was so beautifully said!
When you are happy, youself and confident in your abilities, you will probably find an occupation that resonates with you. Makes you happy, resonates with your personality and makes you more confident in yourself and your abilities, because it is the thing you can do best. That is how success will form, not only as a career, but also as a happy led life.
After watching this presentation of Ms. Julie, all of my stress disappears. Thanks Ms. Julie
as a teenager, i cried a bit because she explained what we're feeling so well
Exact same. I feel like I'm under so much pressure to hold to a certain standard even as school gets harder and busier. I'm not superhuman. I cannot.
Trust me, adults nowadays feel the same. You must excel in your profession otherwise you’ll end in the bottom of food chain. And if you’re to change what you do for living, you must be the best from start. And you must be a good parent, good friend, good housekeeper, good community member… and all of that while staying sane 😕
This brought me to tears very powerful. I am glad I watched it.
Jesus holy christ, this might be the most important talk anyone's ever given. This is the only TED talk that's ever made me cry. This should be mandatory for every parent, forever.
Broke down in tears while watching this. My parents cared more about my grades and how i stacked up against other kids than my happiness. Eventually failed out of highschool, then muttled my way thru community college. Hit my stride in late 20s. Got a masters degree. 36 now. No wife and no kids. Lots of friends. Making lots of money. Genuinely happy. But I rarely speak to my parents. Can't help but wonder how I'd turn out if Mom and Dad had followed this approach.
Good gracious, mother of 4, first one headed to college. I needed to hear this.
I have to write an essay about the socialisation of children, and this helped me a lot, thank you so much 💝
+ for the content and another + for the performance of this amazing and enthusiastic individual
👏👏👏
Wow! this is beautiful. Through loving them the way they are even when they fail, they become a well rounded human being. My son when he was 2 years away from applying for University will study with his ear piece in his ears on his bed. Started behaving rebelliously and I told him that from experience that I do not see him passing that year. He kept saying Mum I know what I am doing, though not a genius he never failed before. Lo and behold he failed that year, he monitored the mails and made sure he got his result before we saw it and destroyed it. Above all he was disappointed at himself he nearly found it difficult to forgive himself. But my words to him were failure is part of life when we fail we just have to learn from it and move on. From that time we never tell him to study anymore, all we did was to support and encourage him. No one is perfect but unconditional love is the way forward.
This was an amazing talk...Now I came to understand that the same things are faced by all the kids over the world as I am an Indian most of the time me and my friends thought that Indian parents are the only ones who wanna their children to be perfect ..... Social media has really changed mindset of people nowadays
now normally I'm not a big fan of the TED Talks. every now and again one comes along that's alright and every once in a great while one comes along that's really good. this one was really good
this ted talk honestly made me cry. my issue is that i don’t think my parents have created that “checklisted” life for me, i think it was my own doing. i’ve been in honors and accelerated classes from the time i was a third grader. early on i learned to make my own checklist, to regulate what i was doing everyday, and my parents partially contributed to that. but i thought that their support of this lifestyle meant it was right, and i’m now a junior in high school that has collapsed under the pressure. the past three months have been the biggest educational downfall of my life, and i think it’s like what you said. i’m burned out, i’m tired, i’m anxious, i’m depressed. i have no sense of purpose anymore and i don’t do the work unless a teacher emails or calls and my parents yell at me to do it. they don’t understand that everything i’ve believed my entire life has come crashing down on me and i’m so burnt out. i always used to believe everything in school had to be perfect for college, and i couldn’t really accept it when i had to drop an ap class in sophomore year. i’ve had struggles with mental health for a few years now, and in freshman year one of my friends reported me and my only concern was that it would show up on my record and colleges wouldn’t want a “messed up” kid. this ted talk has helped me realized that i can’t be perfect, i just need to try my best. build myself back up. that’s what i’m trying to do, anyway. thank you for this. to other struggling kids out there: it will get better. please don’t let a checklist define your life, i promise it’s not worth it. to parents out there who are supporting a checklisted life or have instituted it: please have a conversation with your child. don’t let them disregard their own mental health for good grades. at some point they will be burned out too, and you shouldn’t let them get to that point before you realize how much they are hurting. i’ve been hurting for a long time, and getting good grades does not help the pain go away. it only makes it worse. it makes you believe that the pain is necessary in order to get good grades. it’s not. thank you for this ted talk ❤️
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You are exceptionally brilliant and thoughtful! 'It makes u believe that the pain is necessary in order to get good grades'.. that is one full TED talk for me! I know u r way better than u have ever been. Thank you for sharing the wonderful insights and Love from Ethiopia.
This video is very useful for parents who are too pushy on their children. It is true that it is said, that success is not always achieved with high scores, many awards, but with good habits and of course with one's own will. because if you do everything based on your own wishes then you will be able to enjoy the process more without any pressure. thank you, you have made me realize that what my parents did all this time was right. they never determined where I should go to school, what I should become, what grades I should have, they just told me to do what I wanted so that I could sincerely do it.
Wonderful woman and excellent mother. She enlightened us in different angle to what it means to be a good, understanding and loving parents. Thank you madam.
I had great grades and could have gone to some very big-name universities. I applied to all the major universities in NC (because of in-state tuition) including Duke and Chapel Hill. I was accepted into every school. But in the end, I made a smart financial decision to go to UNCA. I got the Teaching Fellows Scholarship and worked through college which allowed me to graduate without college debt. It's funny because, before the pandemic, I was working with someone who went to Yale... I was in a leadership position above him. We both had degrees in Education but I paid far less for mine and ended up in a position that got more pay than him. Unless you want to be a lawyer or a doctor, it really doesn't matter what university you get the degree from so long as it's an accredited one. I am currently pregnant and have no expectations for my kid so long as they try their best at whatever they decide to do. They don't have to go to college, there are lots of other ways to make money. My goal is to build a life-long learner who enjoys challenging themselves, so long as they do that I'll be happy.
We loved this talk and found it to be extremely insightful! thanks! We shared it on our website.
WOW Thank you. This is the best talk and advise I regarding parenting I have ever heard. In a nutshell, well spoken, from the heart and what I needed to hear and learn today.
Thanks for sharing, I have to admit that even I share the same opinion that as parenet we only need to provide the nurishing environment and support our kids with love, but sometimes, we just cannot help overhelping, overenvolving,etc. However, we need to try our best to let kids to grow freely and happily.
Absolutely wonderful and well put together. 👏
Excellent talk. i almost feel like she was talking directly to me. I am so guilty of this. So guilty of first asking about the grades and the tests instead of just asking about my kids' day. This has really opened my eyes and hopefully I can stop focussing on the academics and pay more attention to letting them just be.
Right. I am learning myself. I gather she did not say forget about school and work ethics. She is said prioritize. Focusing on praise and feelings of love and quality time first. Then ask about responsibilities.
I agree
This is beautiful. As a mother - it moved me to tears.
Loved this talk!! Julie is wise transparent and worth listening to! Thank you 🤗
Love love love the wildflower analogy!!
I love this woman! I'm glad that my mom would agree with a lot of what she's saying, seeing how my mom raised me. There are parents of some kids I know that ought to see this. Too bad they wouldn't listen.
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I have 3 kids and this brought me to tears. Having kids doesn't come with instructions it's really difficult. Hardest job I've ever had but i wouldn't trade it for nothing. I've made mistakes with them but I know I'm know I'm doing my best and after this I'm gonna keep doing my best
We all want the best for our children but don’t all have the tools we need to be better parents. I needed more talks like this not a Lamaze class before my children were born. Thank you ❤
at this point I am teaching mine to find their passion. Finding their passion will lead them to their purpose. If you make a career out of your passion then you aren't every really going work....
Most people don't have a passion, only a lucky few. Or we can have many passions. Also, even when you're passionate about your job, it can suck a lot of the time. I think kids need to learn work ethics, that work can be boring, but we have to do our best anyway. The important thing is that working makes us feel good about ourselves, for whatever reason (feeling competent, gratification, money, helping others, passion...). In my opinion.
@@joannabrown2366 having a passion for something as a foundation, plus a strong work ethic to get through the actual grit, you are very lucky. The speaker focused a lot on chores (and love). These are good foundations for a strong work ethic and finding direction.
My son asked me one day.... Mum you love me ...? I was like of course! He asked...then why do you send me to school?!😀
f Z LoL
Looool
Kids these days are so smart.
Kids! My 3-year-old son said a while ago: If we lifted your hair, we could see your brain in there... He said the same about pulling my eyes out. ( He doesn't watch any nasty cartoons or movies, in case you are wondering ). Before my older son started school I was preparing myself mentally for homeschooling, just in case he absolutely hated school, but luckily he is ok with school, for now anyway, he's only 6.
😂😂
Beautiful, I have been raising my daughter right so far. Thank God.
The best and most amusing parenting talk! I have three kids aged from 8 to 16 and echoing what she just said that giving your child a chore or two a day and showing your genuine interest in her/him is the best parenting skill.
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She is so right. Thank you very much for this video.
What a great talk, this should be more widespred.
Thank you Julie-Lythcott-Haims! I think it is a little too late for our society as a whole, but I thank you for being that voice! BRAVO!
I understand that there's a long-term parenting cycle that (statistically) oscillates between "helicopter" parenting during political-crisis eras and "free-range" parenting during religious-revival eras. As best as I can tell, overparented children grow up in figurative strait jackets yearning to break free, while underparented children grow up wild-and-free but hungering to connect, while children are best-adjusted when parents avoid either extreme. This TED talk supports my suspicions. Thank you.
I'm so glad I watched this while my girls are still young. My "wildflowers" are free to become whatever they chose so long as they are kind and respectful of others.
God bless you
Great insights! And you can tell the public was really feeling the talk by the way they would ALWAYS applaud even interrupting her.. but they just couldn't help themselves and how blame them? That was just purely beautiful ❤️
Really love this talk and great thankful to the lady. Will try to stay back and give kids opportunity to grow up.