Remember That EVERYONE Is Lonely
One of the reasons why we tend not to make friends as often as we might comes down to a powerful background idea whose full destructive force we may not even be aware of: the belief that any decent person already has all the friends they need.
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“One of the reasons why we tend not to make friends as often as we might comes down to a powerful background idea whose full destructive force we may not even be aware of: the belief that any decent person already has all the friends they need.
Somewhere in our minds, the notion has been lodged that only very sad and inept people would - at this stage in their lives (and by this is simply meant whatever stage one happens to be at) - still have a space in their social agenda for a new entrant. Everyone else - anyone worth knowing, anyone talented, interesting and good - would long ago have acquired the gang to which they were now continuously and irredeemably wedded…”
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CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
Nicky Francis
www.nicolajanefrancis.com/
Title animation produced in collaboration with
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www.gpmotion.co.uk
I just recently joined a new gym. Was walking towards some equipment and noticed somebody saying smiling and saying hello. I took a glance and didn’t recognise him so i thought he was talking to somebody else. I glanced again and realised he was talking to me. I said hi back abit confused and he mentioned that he seen me in our old gym and was just wondering how i found it here etc. I’ve been looking for ways to meet new people with similar interests but just haven’t had the courage to say hello to people. He wont know it but he made my day by simply just extending a hand and being nice. Gave me confidence to try and engage more with other people.
It's not easy for some ppl. Especially if ur a introvert. I'm a ENFJ-T in the meyers brigg personality test. So as a extrovert and my type, I'm the most introverted extrovert. I've learned and noticed many ppl over the years who can't seem to connect with people no matter how hard they try. It can be quite discouraging. But definitely don't give up! Even I have had time where I feel unsure when to say hi to someone. Why? Just because I worried if I was gonna appear rude or interupt something. For others, it may be they just don't know how to talk to people, they may worry about saying the wrong thing. I have a crush who is like this. (ISFP) Sad too cause he is such a sweet guy. But he is very self critical of himself. Low self-esteem, he doesn't act out enough to make a effort in communicating. When in actuality, and I've told him this, many people respect him and like him alot. He has a presence that isn't easily missed when he allows himself to mingle. He is uplifting to many. Including me. So even the most introverted of people can have a huge impact on others lives by just being their for others and also making the effort to show interest. It works on both sides. ^_^ 💕 He even told me he appreciated me always checking up on him every so often, he knows he is a bit anti-social. I just want to see him grow and improve. I don't want him to have any regrets in life, but be happy
Also. If you are not at all like someone else’s other friends. That doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t like you. In fact, you may be a breath of fresh air to them.
I have to point out that it definitely can mean they don't like you because you are different/outsider. I recently exited a friend group where I knew the people for over 5 years and most of them never even acknowledged my existence. New people entered the group and ignored me. 2 would only talk to me when they were drunk. 1 told me she could no longer connect with me because I quit drinking. It is very clear to me that I am not wanted. And it's definitely because I'm not exactly like they are, and they look down on me without even trying to get to know me.
@@AA-wc3tw u did a good thing by walking out....after all whats the point of being in a circle where u will feel more alone ....
As it's been noted many times before, being alone is not the same as being lonely. I value my solitude immensely and yes, I do get lonely every once in a while but that pain doesn't stick around for very long and I just deal with it. Music helps.
Meeting other people helps more though, and life expands and blossoms in awesome ways you could never have predicted. I spent 35 years largely isolated, severe social anxiety. I joined a writing group on the spur of the moment, forced myself to go. It changed everything for me. I would be bitterly sorry if my life ever went back to the closed down version where I had to use strategies to dispel feelings of loneliness. That said, I'm still an introvert, I still need a lot of time by myself
There's nothing I resent more than people that rob me of my solitude without offering companionship
My ex said this to me when he popped up after 4 years. Dude was lonely well before he pushed me out his life but refused to try and engage with people at all and hasn't made 1 friend or romantic intrest in that time frame it's making him visibly sick.
I see where you're coming from. I grew up in a family of 9 so always had people around. When I moved out on my own, I was so happy living in solitude. I never really feel lonely since creative activities keep me occupied. I don't have any issues with being social and it provides a nice change of pace once in a while but I do love the free feeling of living on my own and spending a lot of time by myself.
@@DenkyMannerI'm curious. Can you expand on how it changed *everything* for you? It seems like it had significant effect on your life.
But some people can make you feel even more alone.
Excellent, thank them for being obviously toxic and remove yourself from their presence. Look for a new friend. 😊
Only if you think you need them
i can't agree more...
So profound, you must be the first human to have this thought.
The reason I feel alone is because of people. The irony of that.
My dachshund really likes the shaking noise in the intro 😂 He will stop what he’s doing and tilt his head, ears forward when it plays
A hard lesson learned - it's far better to have standards for who you spend time with and how you are treated than to give in to bouts of loneliness. Even better...be a friend to yourself.
what does it mean to "be a friend to yourself" ? As i understand a friend is someone who listens, shares, has a different perspective and wants to collaborate in various life events with you.
@Omidion the way one engages with one's own thoughts and feelings..."self-talk," it's often called. Sometimes, I stop and ask myself, if a friend came to me with problems similar to mine, how would I respond to them? I would be honest, but also reassuring. I would be calming, trying to put things in perspective. I would offer some ideas about how to deal with the situation. What I would not do (what I must remind myself not to do to myself) is paint a picture of despair, focus on all the ways their problems are their own fault, etc. If a person has a fair image of themselves and their inherent value, they are less likely to view solitude as an indictment of their personality, and more as a temporary circumstance that they can take steps to change if they choose to. Further, yes, hobbies. Do things you enjoy for your own enjoyment of them. Find worth in your own time and space. Enjoy having connections, but ensure that those connections are not the only fulfillment in your life.
I feel very jealous and sad when I read posts of people saying they have a very happy marriage or the memories they had with their friend groups in their young adulthood.I never had any real friends so there are no memories to look back fondly at. I don't know I feel like a loser. I mostly hear about and see lonely people through the internet. In my real life, I feel like the odd one out.
You’re not alone with this feeling that’s for sure
I can definitely relate and I struggle with the same feelings as well. Remember that Facebook/social media is the "highlight reel" of peoples' lives. We typically ONLY post the positive stuff and RARELY post the negative stuff. Because people only want to see the positive stuff, they don't want to see the negative. Remember that the seemingly-happy marriages only LOOK that way based on the words and photos people carefully choose to let others see. Guaranteed those marriages/friendships are NOT as happy as they would have you believe.
Have you considered finding new social groups or attending events where you share common interests to find new friends? This is what I'm doing now. Most of my close friends are married with children. Some of us grew apart, and others just managed our schedule better for social time. However, it may help to join a group or event use this time to travel more.
@@DrDanielle86 I've never done that. Tbh, I've become wary of people because of being taken advantage of in the past. I was a people pleaser. I am kinda socially isolating myself. I do go outside for walks and stuff but try to keep a distance from people. I wanna adopt pets someday.
@@DrDanielle86 Yes, I've been trying those avenues for decades and I have finally "taken the hint" and have given up. I don't have any interests. I don't have anything to talk about. The people I encounter don't seem to have anything to talk about either. I don't talk much to begin with, I tend to stay quiet; I find it difficult to come up with things to talk about because I don't have anything to talk about. I try to ask people questions, but most people don't seem interested in even talking about themselves. I'm 44, single female, childfree, not religious, not into sports, no family relationships, and I don't drink alcohol. That greatly reduces my options.
It's not the quantity of friends but the quality that matters. Surround yourself with people who you feel comfortable with.
And that sometimes means you have zero people around you.
I spend most of my time alone but I am rarely lonely. I only have one friend right now, and I'm still not lonely. I've discovered that life is easier and calmer the fewer people you have in your life. I do want friends, but it's rare that I find anyone interesting enough to pursue friendship with them (people don't seem to want to be open/honest/vulnerable....so I'm not sure how to get to know people who refuse to let others in), and it seems that the people I meet aren't interested in me either. I get ignored and excluded a lot, as if I don't exist and am not right there nearby hearing them exclude me. People want superficial conversations about things I am not interested in, or they shun me because I don't drink alcohol, or they just stare at me blankly when I talk and they don't reciprocate details about their life in order to make conversation flow. Why bother? I know I suck at conversation and being a friend, but geez....it's not 100% my fault. I'll just stick to being alone, life is less disappointing that way.
😊
compassion and empathy are skills not eagerly learned, but good for you for reaching your awareness that healthy relationships long term are better than being alone which is better than toxic relationships
I can relate. There's nothing wrong with you, in fact, you're probably a very good person, but changes in our society have made people really dull. I blame consumerism, reality TV and social media. I belonged to a crafting group and it became so tedious because the participants mostly talked about the crap they bought online or at garage sales. They struck me as hoarders, but I began to wonder if shopping compulsively was now normal. People use consumer goods to cover up their painful feelings rather than reaching out in an authentic and meaningful way to others.
I feel you on that. It's a bit comforting to read the comments here, because everyone makes it seem like there is something wrong with me. And it feels like im leaving my values in relationships behind, to feel more accepted. Seeing comments like this, reminds me of why I think the way I do, and that I'm not alone in my views.
@@StevenSerka I never said that "healthy relationships long term are better than being alone".
I hope I one day escape this loneliness, because I don't want to die. There is so much in this life that I enjoy. But sometimes, it is just so hard. I hope you find yourself too.
I’m alone, but the least loneliest I’ve ever felt. I see lovely, genuine friendships as well as near perfect marriages, and still I feel no desire to have even those type of relationships.
It's easy to make new friends, anyone can learn a few simple techniques to make it happen. But the challenge is keeping them, especially if you masked a lot during the initial stages of the friendship. You have to do the work, and it can be very hard work, to maintain the relationship going on into the future. And they must want to do the same.
Recently my girlfriend left me and now existence is a bit lonelier. Miss talking about my day and having someone to wish goodnight. Having someone that wanted to know more about me wanted to talk to me.
I hope you find another person to share your life's ups and downs with. It's tough when we are left with nobody to share the days' events with. 👥
Be that kind of person to yourself! Cherish your blessings, "listen" to your own problems (as in some form of meditation, let them be present without forcing an answer), make yourself small gifts, try out new things! Just because you don't have an external person, doesn't mean there is noone that wants to talk to you and know more about you. I hope that helps, because that certainly helped me.
Some people just enjoy a solitary life. It’s a matter of choice.
This is just in the right moment. Last time I was worrying so much about not having a lover and good friends. Although I have a couple of good friends I spend most of my time alone and sometimes is hard to find dates and social experiences. And I am 34 years young
Friendship requires both effort and attention, two resources that are ever more sparce in this modern way of living.
Atomization of the individual is a quintessential trait of late stage capitalism
It's sparse! 🙏🏾✌🏾
Everyone's social needs are different. Some thrive in solitude, others in company. The key is not to judge but to understand and respect these differences. Also, it's never too late to say hello to someone new.
I do exactly what you said ... I talk to strangers have a chat because I feel we are all in the same boat. I don't expect a friendship but if it happens great. At least I can have a conversation and know I connected to someone, even for a moment. In the course of my recovery from Complex PTSD, I have gained insight and perspective. Your videos have been part of my journey. Thank you.
Wow I should try that too..
@EMMANUEL-qx5mb small talk is great ... like just saying it's hot today. Depending on the response a conversation can start. I live in an area where lots of tourists come, so I am asked if I am a tourist. I tell them I am a local and we end up talking about many things. It's great. If they are tourists we talk about places to visit that us locals know about. It's all so good.
It drives my kids crazy how I can chat up anyone anywhere anytime just to be funny. 95% success rate in making them smile and a few are grateful for me breaking up their monotonous day.
@@ruidadgmailcanada8508 I’m happy for you… Thanks to making the world a better place.
Thank you for this. I needed to hear it now more than ever.
I don't think it's saying hello that's the problem. To establish friendships we need to regularly spend time with people over months and years. I can maintain friendships where we have a long history with occasional dinners and more frequent calls/texts, but to establish a proper friendship where you know each other other well enough to feel a closeness that will ease loneliness. That takes time. Often it feels awkward while you don't know each other well yet. I think it's sticking out the months of getting to know each other before it becomes a fully fledged friendship that's a much bigger hurdle than saying hello.
I think you're right, but I also think spending the necessary time with someone to make a friend is extremely difficult when you each work 40 hours a week at a different place and potentially not even the same 40 hours as each other. And if the person you're trying to make friends with has a partner and or family to take care of... Well guess who's absolutely not going to be the priority
Yes, it takes lots of time. I remember first getting to know my oldest friends, and feeling weird or unsure around them. Now that we've been close friends for over 10 years, the concept of awkwardness doesn't exist. It's something I keep in mind when making new friends... Give it time.
@@mojojojoe100 yes exactly my thoughts also. It's very difficult to find people who have the same time/space/energy/willingness in their lives as us to establish a friendship.
The top is lonely. You tend to lose some friends as you become more successful. I find it important and understand better what it means to move silently. Don't even speak of success. Sad but true.
Thank you!
Trapped in our heads for the rest of our lives.
I met someone who told me “I have never felt lonely in my entire life” and honestly that was a red flag itself
What do you mean?
That's a green flag because they defo had been lonely, but they've made it work in a way that they don't feel lonely
Guarantee it was a woman....
Yeah, either the person is lying to make themselves look better or they're inhuman psychopaths. Yikes.
2:35 this is all that matters. You taking the first step to establish friendship. It has two outcomes: you either become friends, or remain strangers which is perfectly alright. But keep in mind friendship doesn't have be disney-like. It's not necessary to chat, meet up, or talk everyday. But more like knowing you have someone who has your back and whom you have their back 100%.
We will always be lonely unless we learn to be on our own
We also can learn to be on your own your entire life and be fulfilled by it in a country place to end up in a pointless job within a giant city within a capitalist world and a society who strive on keeping people lonely
I always look forward to wednesdays when school of life post a new video. I wish they return with long clips.
I can't believe this never occured to me, other people also want more friends. This might end in me making some terrible choices and locking myself in my room forever
Lmao! Username doesn't check out 😉
I have more friends since realizing I don’t need any. The chaff fell away and now I have two true friends who I can actually depend on. Even writing that bring me to grateful tears because I believed I’d never have anyone. ❤
glad to hear that!
Me happy alone.. not lonely 🤘
It’s so comforting to see The School of Life’s new video every week.
you are coping bruh
This did remind me to send that cool person a text, so thank you💕
This is such a beautiful channel
You can never have too many friends.
Says the extrovert, for me it's more like you can never have too many acquintances
Wow .. this really Touches my heart
If someone like me is open to the opportunity to meet new and interesting people, there must be others like me as well, I have to believe, but where are they? Every time I try to bring kindness, joy and being friendly wherever I go, I am met with rudeness, competitiveness, indifference, or suspicion. I don't see what I'm missing. And it's getting harder and harder as I step into early middle age.
they call rudeness, as energy saving or laziness
that was beautifully well puted
Even when I was younger at college and used to meet up with people. I still felt lonely. It's lonely being by yourself but it's less painful and probably the most beautiful feelings to have
These reminders makes us feel better doesnt it? 😌
Perfect timing
Get well soon!
wrongo pongo. i was left alone so much as a child my sense of loneliness dissolved into introspection and self-care.
That sounds traumatic for a child...
Spending time with yourself is the best time....if you like yourself. The book 30 Days to Overcome Loneliness by Harper Daniels has been a nice help.
I liked the simple conclusion...Go up and say hello...what keeps us from participating in human life and simple acts that are shared, genuine and untroubled by class, history and other complications that might distance us
I love meeting new people! My biggest roadblock is getting strangers to say hi back.
I love dinding these little channels with amazing content
recap by Viet York from Mollyverse 00:06 Loneliness is often influenced by a damaging belief 00:28 Many people are lonely even if others seem to have a full social life. 00:47 Loneliness is a universal possibility 01:06 Loneliness is universal 01:26 Many people spend their evenings alone due to lack of social connections. 01:43 Combat feelings of isolation and loneliness 02:01 Society's predominantly cold and guarded nature 02:20 Shed false ideas of social life
Thanks Viet!
This is so accurate haha
I have made a few new friends since we moved 3 months ago to a village up north. Special indeed that there is place in our hearts for new people who can fill our void. We share a passion, making music… and these people help me in these rough times… Today I passed the School of Life store in Amsterdam and all over the facade was written: ‘Ik sta even stil en dat is vooruitgang.’ ‘I stand still for a little while and that is progress’. Well, let us stand still with old and new friends. lovely post ❤
December's going great with Tsol😊
What often stops people from doing something about their loneliness is: Shame 😔
Some are more lonely than others. Some don'tfit in with people. I'm one of them.
Wish i was alone … instead people feel like they need to tell me how to act and what to do. But will not accept the reciprocal advice. Hypocritical relationships are not welcome.
I’m up in the early morning before the sun rises and this couldn’t be farther from the truth :( I’m so scared too guys of what’s going to happen
I need advice I’ll be honest… I work at a dispensary that is supposed to be like under eviction and other stuff and we’re getting served papers a lot but the other day we got robbed and the bosses wanted me to talk to the cops but I was too chicken bc I thought I would get in trouble for just being there.. should I have just talked to them to give them the robbery report to keep my job?:( It pays really good
this is the greatest video clip on the internet. full stop.
The vast majority dont report feeling lonely most of the time. Are they lying on surveys or are somehow unaware of their loneliness?
"Alone... not you alone... not you alone..." ~ Nihilanth
People who are constantly looking after other people never have true friends.
Some earned it more than others
Hugs are here ❤
Some more than others.
why have the videos become short in duration? while i understand the fact that average attention span is short but we want the old concept of SOL where we learn in-depth about a certain topic.
To sit still and feel lonely is difficult and a practice that deepens your own inner knowledge and you will be surprised to find, if you don't struggle or deny the feeling it doesn't last long...Of course if loneliness is complicated by depression or other issues beyond your control then it becomes (potentially) a problem and isolation becomes the enemy and war that drains energy...
yes. agreed. i am still not successful with this approach at all. lot of rejection. i am quite weird, i guess.
Alright. Then, how or where can you find more high quality social relationships?
Speaking to ppl idk in person is my problem I feel that I come off weird an maybe "in need of a friend" so I tend to stay to myself while all my former friends jus kinda grew apart from me, nowadays new friends lead me to bad experiences like getting shot at an such so I've found It betta to rarely involve myself with others and jus say fuck it "it's doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone" it jus don't be nun to do lmao no consistent friends no love life not even a job rn so yea👍
Saying "hello" isnt the problem. Its what comes next... 2:30
I feel the least lonely while I'm alone
Yes, but what about those whose head is so high up in the clouds that they "think" they have everything they need?
I thought this is only my problem
I have no idea how to start a conversation.
*Big Smile * Hi! How are you? Them: Fine You: *Bigger smile* I'm living the dream! Them: oh, really? You: Yea! I caught a barracuda over the weeken..
How can you speak for everyone? Some of us are just fine and dandy being alone, I know this because I am that person.
Within our body, we are all ALONE! 😊
I'd rather say 'our body' is in us, not the other way around- being alone and lonely are just fleeting thoughts in the mind, as is the body.
Naah...i outcompete everyone else in being lonely 😂
Never in my life had a lonely thought.
I've never felt lonely. I've had lot's of friend, best friends, even no friends. I just don't feel loneliness.
I've never met someone in real life who watches videos by the School of Life. I feel a bit lonely.
Probably a person who watches it would be a good candidate for a friend. Maybe it's an idea to build some kind of community around it? Obviously I have no idea how to approach it but just putting it out there;)
I’m not lonely I’m just glad I don’t waste my time on others. Humans are overrated
Very true. Today’s society is very closed off. 🫂 who wants a hug? 🥰
"Reflect upon the Past. Embrace your Present. Orchestrate our Futures." --Artemis (DD3) 🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
I need a SOL retreat
Remember that some people have to work three jobs and still have shitty health insurance that doesnt even cover the wear and tear caused by their job
Lonely won't leave me alone.
Deep down we fear negative judgment from the other party or our own disillusionment and frustration once we get to know them. It's going to be yet another disappointment so why bother? Why not save yourself the trouble. Well, friends, therein lies the problem. In YOU, as always. The 'Initial Reason' is the foundation of any relationship and yours is built on swampy ground. Escaping loneliness, satiating a hunger, getting affirmation, having a helping hand in your life, sharing expenses, partnered gymnastics under bedsheets... These are the expected results of a romantic relationship. Expectation is NOT reason. If you miss that fact, you'll always be frustrated because the universe is under no obligation to meet your expectations. More often than not it won't. It is maturity to accept this fact and life will give you what you want only as a test until you're mature enough to deserve what you want. Know yourself and know others for their sake. Not for your shallow desires. Learn to serve as much as you demand. Have something to offer for the things you want. You will never feel lonely, undesirable, left out for a day in your life, I promise you.
Add hindi audio too.❤
As long as there is genuine compatibility, everyone fills a different role/need in each other's lives. Its the same argument for polyamory: you just can't compare people. While I have some delicious cheddar I simply can't live without, I'm also not gonna turn down some gouda. Same goes for flavors of friends!
Victor Hugo: if you would change a person, begin with their grandmother.
How to behave around someone really beautiful?
Treat them like a normal person, they'll love that
Experiment time: everyone in the comment section should become friends. And yes, I aim writing this in the voice of “Hey everybody! I’m Hammy the hamster. Would you like to be my friend?”
Yes, let's be friends
Yes! I would love to be part of a community that centers on the ideas of SoL
Eventually a time comes when you understand there is no one to blame not even your parents what they did it was their choice......now it's yourz....
Oh, but the fear of being rejected…
Feel like trying to help other people with their social anxiety can help with one's own social anxiety
I try to be my own best friend
?? Love thyself first, be ready to leave everything and everybody you know at the drop of a hat.
How important is a phonecall?
What should we take close to the heart?
What does it mean if you don't get lonely? Does this mean I'm a sociopath?😱
Also remember its your parents fault 😊
I have to agree with that. Me more of my late father then my mother. My mother always reminds me that I have his ways intricately. Where I never wanted to be like him.
I have to agree with this..
Lol
Even though i agree, its wrong to make it an excuse to not do better
😂
I have never once in my life thought that other people were "full" of friends. I've never even heard of this concept before. I don't have friends because as a gay man every person I thought was a friend turned out to think less of me, talk behind my back, oppose gay rights, and tolerate me. That's not a friend. Every person I've met I'd eventually discover their anti-gay views, from 1-99%, so now I don't bother. I assume every stranger is a potential enemy, so I interact with people as absolutely little as posible. Christians have made me so bitter against humanity I don't even bother trying to talk to other gays. I've been too hurt to open up to anyone anymore, and I no longer care about people.
Not true. I know someone who has too many friends for her own good. Everybody wants her time and cares about her. she can barely find time for herself. She is never lonely.