Biological Anthropologist Answers Love Questions From Twitter | Tech Support | WIRED
Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, answers the internet's burning questions about love. How does attraction work? Can you love someone and still cheat on them? Is there such a thing as a soulmate? Dr. Fisher answers all these questions and much more!
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Biological Anthropologist Answers Love Questions From Twitter ❤️ | Tech Support | WIRED
As a biologist, who was rejected while being MADLY in love and attached, having the molecular basis knowledge that "your brain is just going crazy right now, stop, feel it and it will pass" truly kept me sane
It can take a long time to pass.. and that sentence will not be very soothing on bad days.
@@hgzmatt I know...Had to live through all that. Just sharing my experience 🙆
Wow I don’t feel lonely anymore. Being a zoology graduate I don’t think I can see love as how it’s portrayed in the movies anymore. For me humans are seasonal monogamous ( hence marriage ain’t really the greatest option) , love is a hormonal activity ( existential crisis kicking in) for procreation and humans are inherently selfish. Sums up why I am single :’)
It helped me a lot to read up about exactly what was going on in my body after a difficult breakup. You still have to get through it over time but there's something to being able to understand what is happening in your brain and body and labeling it.
@@sassy_llama5909 Love portrayed in the movies as a horrible thing that’s borderline non existent and everybody cheats and hates marriage. I guess it depends on what kind of movie you watch though
she managed to be so factual, straightforward and scientific yet didn't come off as robotic.
As a scientist and medical doctor I sadly have to disagree. In 6:03 she is promoting sexist theory that have been proven wrong for decades. male hormones make you good at math. Excuse me? tell your fairytales 🧚♀️ to someone in the middle ages!
She was lovely.
@@genevakeith3876 yes, that is her area of expertise.
Is she a robot ö
Yeah. I'm glad she didn't just go "love is just a bunch of chemicals, emotion is weak and inefficient and for stupid people" like a lot of scientists
She NEEDS her own KZhead channel to talk about Love. Please make it happen
fr
OMG fr! I'm sooo interested in learning about love.
YESSSS ❤
Just read her books
you can either read her books or look her up on TED talks lol
“The vast majority of people that are truly in love don’t cheat.” Thank you for this.
"Cheating once is a huge mistake, cheating twice is a deliberate choice and cheating three time is just not caring at all and taking your spouse for a fool".
When did she even say this? She said that the two things happen at the same time
4:49 @@kingperson7373
That’s why instead of people being cheaters, they should be swingers.
She claims the exact opposite of that
"The human brain is not made to deal with more than 5-9 options. After that, the brain just.. spaces out." Duuude, that explains why when people ask what my favorite movie, or even just a name a movie, I instantly forget every movie I've ever seen or heard of.
ok but that actually makes so much sense
Looool same
So that's why I couldn't say anything to my manipulative friend when I talked about her selfish habits and she asked for clear examples. It happened so many times and the situations were similar. My brain couldn't tell them apart to give me a specific location or time.
Yes same! Or like my favourite song or something. This makes so much sense I do this all the time lol
Thats why made lists for my favourite everythings lmao
I love how she states her answer in the topic sentence then explain it. This is like listening to a well written and enjoyable essay.
She would be and probably is an excellent professor. Watching this made me miss college!
Same, I could listen to her explain this for hours
She probably writes a LOT for her job
@@FiddlebirdBlue and decent professors are rare too
It's like a thesis statement at the beginning of every argument.
I wanna know her thoughts about people who “fell out of love”
Argument 🤔
1:44
If that happens, it was never "love" in the first place.
@@thetriggering528 exactly you don't kill anyone you love because love is kind👍
@@thetriggering528 the brain wouldn't be able to survive in the initial, most intense "in love" state for a very long period of time, so although I agree if you end up not caring about a person at all then you were never in love with them, I don't believe you were never in love with them unless you are perpetually in the dizzying, soul-crushing, heart-crashing kind of love that you started with. That's why she did studies on people who were "madly in love" and also people who were "in love long-term".
Her saying that time does actually does help us heal because it’s a survival mechanism makes the idea of really sitting and waiting out those feelings more bearable. And makes me feel less bad for taking a long time to get over someone
You’re a loser, a big fat loser
I really feel what you said, everyone rushes into getting someone over, while you’re just still grieving it…
I was with my highschool sweetheart for four years, only to get unceremoniously dumped for someone else (who was still married at the time, no less) right at the start of covid. It took me almost two years to get over that, and it was truly awful for a huge chunk of that time. But I did get over it, and when I did I finally took a chance and tried my luck with someone I'd been attracted to and interested in for a long while. Lo and behold, it worked out and I'm the happiest I've ever been in a relationship. Time really does heal.
@@kidagirl99you’re just lucky
You’re just lucky
"Love is primordial, adaptable, it is eternal." Can we just take a minute to appreciate that this woman is simultaneously scientific and poetic? Edit: *57k? insert requisite "hey maaa! I'm famous!" comment*
yeah right!? that was just amazing!
She said that as I read this comment
Yes.
she just coined my new tramp stamp
I didn't see much science in her racism.
She should really make a ted talk, a podcast, some sort of channel. She explains so well.
She has done a ted talk, search for her name on their channel!
@@aakritisant2516 ah ok thanks! :)
She’s actually done two! Here’s the link to one of them for anyone lazy like me kzhead.info/sun/gr2fn6uMgHlto5E/bejne.html
FR
@@skkart4885 thank you :))
"You have to be ready to fall in love to actually do it". This right there.
Cheating is not about love or lack of love. It’s about morals and respect. It’s about not crossing the line you set for yourself and choosing not to hurt the person you say you love.
Love means that person is MORE than enough. You cheat when that person is not enough. Pretty straightforward
By your logic, it’s like saying having money means that you have enough to pay for what you want but you steal when you don’t have enough money. Is stealing the only option available to you? We all know stealing is wrong. You can do it but don’t expect anyone to tell you it’s ok. Expect consequences as stealing is not the logical alternative. The logical thing to do is exit the store, like you should exit that relationship. Go get some money, like you should go and try to find someone else to love now that you are newly single.
@quir... it's never about the other person.
@dan...trauma bonds are a real thing in relationships with narcissists. It's not a one-size-fits-all.
@@quirogatnonerrat3214You cheat because You wanna cheat simple If that person is not enough is not Talking with them or breaking up options to You????nah just cheat??? You know all of the different reasons why someone might not be enough for You rigth????
I'd be really curious to hear what she has to say about asexuality and aromantic people.
same
I'm also interested on her opinion on Polyamorous people
I was thinking this too
Yeah. I agree.
Am bi aro and OMG yes please! This topic seriously needs more talking about it.
I was delighted that she did not take a negative view on how technology has changed dating and relationships. She simply addressed our own misuse of it. I happen to want a stable, romantic "old fashioned" relationship, so it is good to hear that online dating has not eradicated the chances of me meeting a man who wants that as well.
I hope you find what your looking for ! Sending good wishes 🥨
This is my favourite thing about studying anthropology, we are just observing whqts going on not judging it
Honestly, you have a very toxic view of men. Your last sentence proves that. You gotta change your mindset about men or you will never be happy. Like the Buddha said: „The mind is everything.“ And your mind says „men don‘t want traditional relationships“. I can read that in your comment. Change that mindset. Because it controls your behavior and how you percieve the world.
@@churchboy12underwear thank you very much, Megna!♥️
@@niamhbrown7050 it seems like a lovely field to study, to be certain! :)
As an a person on the asexual spectrum who is very anthropologically oriented, I find this very validating because it really shows that there are so many parts of the brain involved in love and that love is still very much a real and fulfilling experience, even if we don't experience every possible aspect of how many people express and experience love!!!
I feel the same! I was actually comforted to know I can feel one kind of love just as strongly, even if I do not feel the other/s. Because they are different systems! It isn't linear. And that is very validating.
Yes, I’m ace and I felt that as well! I appreciate the scientific analysis. I’d love to see more specialists talk about this!
Why is it validating? Is the assumption that some systems can function, whilst others don't? I would like to see the literature on that.
@@DockClock-rp2rolook it up then
Not to be rude but shouldn't this video make you feel worse? I would honestly feel discouraged by this if I were asexual lol she explains how it's in our nature and it's evolved over millions of years, so not having these typical feelings means your brain doesn't function like it's evolved to 😅 sorry I just do not understand the logic of your comment whatsoever
For the heart I'm surprised she didn't mention that when you experience a breakup, you feel an immense, heavy, literal physical pain in your heart.
Right???
If she was a writer, she would be a great writer at romance genre, or at character building in general.
Writers are typically antisocial. Which i think conflicts with her science.
It looks like she is an author, mostly non fiction and self help
@@ginger.Dax. Yeah she seems like one too.
Lol she is a writer, she’s written quite a few nonfiction books on this topic exactly.
@@daigosaito888 *asocial
I do hope there is a next time. This was so enjoyable.
whst if you dont fit in any of these groups - serotoning, dopamin, testosterone. i could associate myselfnwoth all three of them, but least with how you described dopamine people.
yes this was very fascinating, but I'd love to hear about asexual people then (and all of those who are in between)
@@cynthieful I’m ace and for me personally I feel attraction for people but not sexually. I am not interested in being in a romantic relationship and have never been in one. It’s more an emotional attraction that goes no further than a friendship.
@@IMPARTIAL92 I'm oddly jealous. It would be nice to experience life outside of Dopamine seeking drives.
Yes, it was an interesting piece of fiction.
Shout out to the aro/aces who constantly rediscover they're aro/ace
I adore this woman. I want to read everything she's written.
that sounds interesting indeed!
she has spoken about "romantic love" for ALL the video, and it is an humanistic concept that has nothing to do with biology. and also she make some errors when she spoke about hormonal systems. a melting pot of old fashioned traditionak and outdated concept of the mating system and New Age bs.
@@ubermensch_dadaista1797 Could you point out one of her errors and correct it? I'm seriously curious and want to learn!
Tell me her books or writtens please
@@ubermensch_dadaista1797 yes, explain please.
Since nobody is mentioning this, she wrote Anatomy of Love and it is an amazing book that goes into the anthropology and evolution (mentally and physically) of love in humans. It's one of my ultime favorite books and I highly recommend!
Thank you !!!
Thank u!!
Needed more of her thanks 😊
Thank you! Just bought the book due to your recommendation :)
@@itsapineapple-qq9zk Yay! Let me know what you think of it! :)
When she described the difference between romantic and platonic love, I was so surprised. She said the difference was the obsession, the drive, etc, and I distinctly remember feeling that same way about people l would never consider a romantic interest. I've also never experienced romantic love as others describe it, never had a romantic crush, but I've had people i feel very strongly about wanting to befriend and bond with, sometimes even suddenly. Just like she said for romance, I've never had more than 4-5 people at once that I feel might become a platonic crush, and never more than one full blown platonic crush at once. I wonder if aromanticism could be attributed to the brain's romance region functioning a little differently than most people and doubling down on platonic attachment instead of romance.
I am not asexual but I experience sexuality and romance not necessarily at the same time. I really think they can be separate systems
you put my thoughts into words. thank you
I remember when I was having feelings for a friend, it didn't feel the same as falling in love before. I regret destroying our friendship with my feelings of a crush. Years later I met this guy I'm sort of with and friends with, where it's kind of funny. I knew I still love him, and it's just like whenever he listens to music his music it's so different in a way I couldn't put into words. The music is classic rock, he's about 7years older then me but it's so weird how I didn't fully realize that's what made the music sound different. It's like I'm fully listening to the words the artist sings when he's humming along or taping his finger to it.
I feel like that’s not fully accurate because more scans on brains have confirmed that people mistake romantic love for obsessive love, but true romantic love has the characteristics of intimacy and closeness and happiness of being togheter of obsessive love minus the obsessive component, i feel like she kinda mistook infatuation for love there…
@@amberg4131perhaps you love this guy romantically and just skipped the infatuation phase, wich can be deceiving
I love how she talks about love. When she explains it, it's not cheesy but still feels so.....nice.
This woman is so professional and able to capture my attention by talking to me. Great teacher I bet.
Think you just fell in love 🥰
Agree, I wish all of my teachers explain like her. I wouldn't be bored one bit 🤣
Holy crap
@@travis3624 She definitely has a quality that's easy to fall for lol
Sadly as a medical doctor and scientist I have to warn you she is promoting some dangerous and wrong sexist theory that has been proven wrong for decades in 6:03
I could listen to this woman all day. Not a wasted syllable and each word resonant and meaningful! Brava!
Yeah she was excellent
@@pennymikk purio stessa cosa LOL
E io non sono italiano ma capisco lo stesso 0.0
@@lucasfer736 complimenti lol
@@pennymikk hi, I am not Italian is Brava right because she is saying it to a woman and bravo is for men? I don't know any Italian i just thought that makes sense. Please explain!
I could listen to her talk all day - a perfect balance of rationality and emotion. Time to see if she's written any books.
I met and married my husband within 3 months (17 years ago). We are not the norm, but neither unnormal too. It didn't start off perfect, but within no time I found myself craving his company. I should say that I was not looking to become involved with anyone at that time. We just shared this phenomenal chemistry that was undeniable...and being in his presence was like fireworks exploding within me. To this day, I crave his presence and attention...I love him more than life itself. My unsolicited advice (lol), when you meet your "one" (and I hope that you all do) you'll have zero doubts after a few dates. And another thing...you're love only grows deeper with time.
Thank you for this. So beautiful to read.
You give me hope
Exactly! I felt it. It's like I'm connected to him like our wifi is strong.
I found my "one" but he broke up with me, telling me he is not in love anymore. Since the start I was ready to marry him in the moment, we were together for years, and after so many months of breakup it still hurts, my love still grows. What do I do?
@@billcipher8645hope u heal dear stranger ❤️🩹
I'd love to hear her thoughts on people "falling in love" with celebrities and people they've never met.
Pleaseeeee
Wouldn't it be in the category of love at first sight? (Like you see them in photo/video you think they are attractive then in interviews they say something you like so you fall for them )
That's called limerance and usually happens to cpsd survivors.
thats literally just a parasocial relationship and not love
Infatuation.
With the whole cheating thing, it doesn’t matter if they actually still love you or not after they’ve cheated. What matters is that they knew it would hurt you, and did it anyway. Get them out of your life.
This! Feeling an urge to do something and acting on it are two different things
Yeah I didnt quite like how she nicely put it in a scientific way making it sound as its almost expected and normal to cheat. Its so freaking not.
@@How.Dare.You. Ya there is 0 excuse to cheat, you wanna do something with someone else? Tell your partner, if they’re okay with it go ahead, if not don’t do it or break up that simple.
@@How.Dare.You. well the thing is that she’s not wrong. This also goes into how our brain and way of thinking about partnerships has evolved as humans. We’ve seemed to almost accept that monogamy is a natural part of our biology when it’s not. We physically can sleep around and experience different emotions with different people but some of us choose to keep it to just one. It’s more important to us mentally than it’s is biologically, to be monogamous. That’s basically what she says.
That wasn't really the point of the question, and what you're adding is something that basically nobody watching this is going to disagree with
The way she described the difference in romantic vs plantonic love instantly made me think maybe I was in love when I thought they were just a friend... wow
The thing about not knowing if it's platonic or romantic is hard. I always struggle with that. It becomes clearer after some time but the beginning is just pure confusion because it feels the same. You click with them, enjoy spending time with them, wanna know more about them, it's effortless and fun. I ended up emotionally cheating on my ex partner because I realised too late I was in love with someone I considered a platonic friend. Since that I avoid friendships with anyone I could even remotely imagine being attracted to at some point
So, men and women shouldn't be friends? Uness you find them physically almost repulsive...
@@Monaleenian dear Monaleenian, I guess you have to figure that out for yourself. I only talked about my personal issues and experiences and I don't think you can take what I said and generalize it for the entire population.
all of my friends are hot so it's a problem, especially as a bisexual woman LMFAO
@@gretamagary9045 that's rough, at least I know I'm safe with female friends
Oh well, I have the opposite problem. I am also constantly confused whether I am attracted to someone romantically or platonically and that has led to me unintentionally getting some people's hopes up and hurting them in the end because I figured out I only like them as friends. Been staying clear of giving people false expectations ever since
Wired,,,, I think you gotta bring her back. We love her. She's so clear, knowledgable, and fascinating. Also, funny and positive (while backing it up as a PRO). And we have more questions!!! (ex: aromantic spectrum? is polyamoury due to different types of love? cultural differences? is neurodivergent love often different (ex: more/less dopamine)? so much else see the comments!!!)
Please oh my god
Yes. Please bring her back !!
AMEN
This
Oh my god I was thinking these questions exactly yeeess please
seeing that our brain is kind of designed to be obsessed w/ people we're in love with makes me feel a lot better. i have always felt like there was something wrong with me because my feelings can become super intense about someone quickly and i begin to think of them literally all the time. it's nice to know that that's just how my brain works and isnt inherently a super negative thing
I was thnking the same thing!
Yes, I hate it, but I can't choose what to feel and what not 😞
Good to know right? The moment they said they were also interested in me, my head probably exploded and they're all I could think about T __ T
But is that okay? I mean, there is a point here it became toxic, and we sure need psychological help
@@Viniveppo well yeah but, thats why people gain a level of self control and realize that “while i do feel this way, i choose how to handle those feelings and react to them”
Seeing a stay account asking a question is such an "ariana what are u doing here" moment skzzz slayyyy
What's crazy is I love to love, I've never loved anyone romantically, though. I don't believe I genuinely can. But I've had friendships where they seemed so special, all the way down to the way they talk, think, interact, etc. I just love the way they do everything, and I panic when I feel they may get too distant. But I don't love them romantically, and I have no wish to be in a relationship with them. I just like to admire everything they do.
On a similar note, am I the only one who doesn't necessarily associate the term "soulmates" with romantic love? Like it could just be besties who go through life together, or some kind of relatives etc, the point is that they *somehow* belong together and they understand each other at a whole different level. They're linked in a way you sort of can't explain.
@@lutitko8587 This! Soulmates can be romantic, or just best friends who found each other again :) soulmates are people are connected, connection doesn't always mean romantic
@@riceandton agreed (with both comments)!
Anthropologists are heavily overlooked by most people. As a grad student majoring in cultural anthropology, I think that we definitely need more opportunities for our experts to talk about their own fields and explain stuff to people.
Anthropology Rocks!! Fellow Anth Major🫶🏼
It was my fav topic growing up, but I didn't study it in college, the job prospects do not pay well and are very limited. It's sad how little society values the field when it's the study of US.
perhaps because so many people see themselves as armchair anthropologists
And this woman is the reason why. She's a quintessential hoax: Encroaching on the territories of disciplines she doesn't understand, making wild claims, pretending she reinvented the wheel and not even understanding how cringe she is. I used to teach psychometry (methodology of creation and use of psychological testing) and her delusions about personality made me laugh, cry and facepalm all at the same time. I dread to think how she butchers other disciplines I'm less familiar with.
It is basically the history of human mind, and why we are the way that we are.
Try platonically loving someone when you're neurodivergent and can get obsessed with literally anything. I've definitely experienced platonic infatuation before and neurotypical society made me confuse it with romantic love and it messed me up. So, other ND people, it can be different for us and I'm still not entirely sure what the specific differences are, I just worked it out over time.
it's so hard 😭 i think i'm in the middle of platonic infatuation but it's confusing so i don't honestly know
I was wondering about this. I love my best friend in the most platonic way possible, but its been a stronger bond than the last few of my relationships had. And I know I dont love him romantically. I'm also on the spectrum, so your comment makes a lot of sense to me.
For me it's the rule, if I don't really know it doesnt count. And if it only stays for like a month, then it's just platonic as well. I think I only fell in love like 3 times. Everything else was just gone in a narrow span of time and with people I didn't completely know.
like same, im arospec but also nd and trans, and it gets so confusing cause i get asthetic attraction and gender envy, and i get that thing where you want to be friends with someone really bad but dont know how or cant (my zoom "crush"), so you just obsess over them and all your nt friends think you have a crush and its so hard to explain how that just isnt it
WAIT WHAT IM ND AND I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THAT I THOUGHT I HAD A CRUSH ON ALL MY FRIENDS OMG THANKS YOUUUU !!!
And here I thought I was crazy for being obsessed with her. Sumn along the lines of "I probably just admire her a lot and want to be like her, why else would I be so obsessed?"
i love how she doesn’t sugarcoat anything and just says the truth like periodt love isn’t a fantasy
based on everything she said i am so interested how she’d explain asexuality, aromantic ppl and polyamory
yeah same here (and I'm 2 of those three things 😂)
I LOLed at your name
@@monkeeeeey thank you very much
There isn't nearly enough research to correctly explain these. In case of asexual and aromantic people, it's most likely that their brain is wired differently. Their "love chemicals" aren't or only very minimally present, which means their brain systems responsible for making these chemicals aren't working like other people's. It's either a deficiency of these chemicals or that they can't influence the brain the way it does for other people.
She may not buy into those ideas.
I agree with her about online dating. I made this mistake of swiping left and right and meeting a lot of people, and had a negative-bias. My brain was tricking me "what if there's still someone better", and so I start swiping again, the cycle never ends. It's very exhausting. One day, I decided to just focus on really getting to know that one person I liked, and thought of reasons to say yes, as Dr. Fisher said. Luckily, he also decided to do the same thing, and after few years of dating, now we are getting married. 🥰
that's lovely! Best wishes
Aw love this. Congrats :)
dating apps are a thief for the average/below average man
Awwwwww 🥰
What made you decide he'd be the one person you wanted to try to get to know better?
completely unrelated but the random stay (at 2:45 )??? took me so off guard lmao 😂 on the other hand, this video is absolutely great and I love how this woman speaks and explains everything!!
Ikrrrrr
I saw the username and got excited 😂 I'm curious what she thinks of parasocial relationships
I like her view and answers for this. She seems like the right mix of open, logical and realistic about love matters
As someone who’s asexual aromantic, this video is utterly fascinating to watch. This line sticks to me most, “People pine for love, people live for love, people have killed for love, and they have died for love.”
Interesting. Do you have platonic relationships that are not "just" friendships? Ist that something you would even aspire to have? What about children? Have you ever wanted to get your own kids? Sorry for the inquisitive questions, but I've never encountered someone like you.
Even being acearo you can’t still experience other types of love (obv she was talking abt romantic attraction but the same applies to platonic, familial etc)
@@taiwo9612 you mean can?
@@MelodyGardenia yes 😭
@@taiwo9612 Well edit your comment lol
I love hearing the biological breakdown of emotions like love, and this was delightful. Loved Dr. Fisher, very soothing, very interesting, really enjoyed this vid!
Totally agree!
Oh I love this. So uplifting. What an inspiring human being. I didn’t believe in soul mates or love at first sight before this and online dating was just junk, but I feel truly inspired and uplifted. Thank you Helen. Please bring her back, WIRED. A lot of human beings needs this, I think.
I am 34yrs, and I am not obsessed about the person I love. I really, truly, madly love this person, but I am not obsessed about her. So, I do not think you have to be obsessed about the person you love. So, I think once you are over 30yrs, and you have become a mature person,... well, things, and how important things are, changes.
Thisssss
The thing she said about estrogen was amazing. There’s always a running joke that women can “tell when something is off just by the way someone can talk or walk” and what she said confirmed that. That’s pretty amazing
It is although men have estrogen too
@@Emma-wm9jg yeah, I’m by no means an expert, but to my knowledge hormonally male people still have some estrogen (just as hormonally female people have some testosterone, and even more when they menstruate for those that do) but there could be imbalances and you could be hormonally female while still having male..private parts (I don’t know what KZhead allows you to say) or you could simply just have more estrogen
@@sophiathefurbst defiantly!:)
I honestly think that it is more cultural than biological. Women are taught in a lot of cultures to be quiter than men, and when you're quieter, you observe a lot, you learn to analyse people without talking to them. It is what happens with a lot of introverts.
@@lilydrimm6626 This
I loved her - her facts and her thoroughness. Can people on Twitter ask more stupid questions so she can be back, please?
there will always be an abundance of stupid questions on Twitter
these questions aren’t stupid
YEAHH!!! I need a second part for this!
About 20 years ago, during my first love, it came to an end. I distinctly remember watching TV ad for potato chips at a friend's place, feeling my eyes well up with tears and announcing "(name) loves potatoes..." and bursting into tears like a crazy person LOL
She’s just amazing. One of the best videos I’ve seen. Making sense of our flaws as humans. This is the beauty of KZhead
If the divorce rate is smaller for people who meet online - I"d say a pretty significant factor is that you're less likely to meet with and infatuate and fall in live with a rather random person. With a dating profile you can establish before you ever meet that you're on the same page with life and relationship goals like do you both want or not want children, are you looking for a longterm relationship or something more casual etc. Stuff that often doesn't get discussed before you're already fallen in love.
Uh, one problem chief: people lie.
@@DiamondsRexpensive Yeah but even in real life people lie. I'm gonna assume thats why the percentage only have a small margin. Because online, people do lie sure, in real life as well, but at least people can figure out what they like and what they dont before catching feelings.
Yeah but like you can me fake profile or lie in your profile just to get girls/guys that doesnt mean you actually are interested in those things
@@semekiizuio that’s an entirely different situation tho no sane person just marries an online profile. The people that lie about their interests on the internet aren’t trying to get married to anyone they meet on there, but the people that do want to make a connection and build a real relationship are more likely to be honest, straightforward to cut thru all that bs.
I found a fellow carat!!! Hello, 호랑해!!
Soulmates don’t need to be romantic. They can be friends, family, or other figures in your life not just romantic partners.
Well said
Then you just think of something different than most people
I agree ... my bestie is my soulmate but I don't have romantic feelings for her !!
True. My cat is my soulmate. He is with me all day and he knows what's up. So loyal ❤
well that's the difference, there are romantic soulmates (the ones she clearly describes in the video) and non-romantic soulmates. Expect more categories you can put the term "soulmate" into because it really depends on the way you generalize and describe the term.
I'd like to know her thoughts on why we pick the "wrong" romantic partners, and how love and fades over time.
I think it fades overtime when it was just infatuation and you realize you weren’t truly compatible nor in love to begin with. When it works it only grows with time, my grandma can confirm
I think those brain systems are indecisive themselves
because they're attractive. Romantic love is basically a physical attraction, but this is just too controversial to say outloud for snowflakes on this channel lol
@@FloppaTheBased As I said, if you feel that stuff only because they are attractive, is actually called infatuation. when you are attracted for what they truly are then It's romantic love, which is a mix of attraction but also genuine affection and care all in one package. and you are attracted to them and see them as even more beautiful than you normally would because you genuinely love them.
@@rebecca_rh you can't try to build emotional connection, affection and care with "wrong person" without hurting yourself, but these wrong persons still get chosen somehow. Why - because looks matter.
this made me cry. she described this so righteous and beautifully
I think a soulmate is someone with whom you have a deep intimate connection, and who is somewhat similar to yourself - who understands your thinking patterns, maybe has similar interests, and whose thinking patterns and thought process you understand very well. And I do think that you can have more than one person like this - a friend who understands you very well, and who just "gets" you on another level, and you feel like you "get" them. I've felt that with multiple people.
Yeah soulmates arent exclusive to romantic love. You can feel one, act same, have the same mindset like your friend. People tend to be friends with who are alike.
Yes, I feel like I have 2 soulmates right now, my best friend that I know since 5th grade, and the guy I am seeing since december, I would honestly die for them and I am not even kidding
Soulmates don't exist,2 ppl can have similar interests but every person has a different personality,interests have nothing to do with personality and we are all different nobody is the same.
@@user-vi2eq5zg7v I don't think anyone here is entailing that being a soulmate is being the same person. People here are saying that the ability to understand each-other's thought patterns and preferences with extremely high accuracy is what it means to be soulmates.
@@aarongintama No some do understand it as the same person (basically the same personality) let's be real now.
Really like this woman. I never knew that romance was a need like hunger or thirst. That's why the romance genre in TV shows or books can never die. I wonder why I sometimes get sick of cliche plots, but I never cease to come back for more, and overtime I just come to terms with the formula of much of the romance genre to the point I don't mind it at all. It was a much more primative interest than I thought.
It's just you man. I don't watch cheap romance at all. Your brain is more primitive like a gorilla.
@@Artaxerxes. Are you male or female?
SAME!
Wow I'm the exact opposite. I may just be aromantic because I can't stand romance cliches in books and can't relate to it at all. Totally respect that you do like it tho. I still think the romance genre gets a lot of unwarranted hate
I find romantic movies cringy. There is nothing interesting
There should be a part two. She was lovely and I love her calmness ☺️
this is one of the best episodes. the way she speaks is so engaging.
would love if they had a second video about polyamory and aromantics / asexuals!
I came here to comment this! As an aroace, I’m interested in her explanation
lol yes please. as an aroace, it all sounds like mumbo-jumbo to me, albeit a scientific one 😆
definitely, this would be really interesting to see as an acespec person
That would be so interesting
Seconded. I wish there were more studies on non-monogamy!
Is there anyway she’d be interested in making a part two? I found this episode to be the most enjoyable and interesting by far in this series and like other people have stated, im really curious to hear more of her thoughts on topics like asexuality, polyamory, fixations of fictional/ non tangible creations etc.
If you're still highly curious about these topics, you could try reading one of her books. I haven't read them, but maybe they'll fulfill your curiosity ^^
up!
I love her, just broke so many notions I had about love in less than 15 mins. Truly an amazing mind and great video
The way Dr. Helen F speaks about love in a factual psychological standpoint rather then emotional philosophical is mesmerizing to me. Very enjoyable and interesting, thank you
I greatly appreciate calling her a Biological Anthropologist and not just Anthropologist which is such a broad term anyone that studies anything could call themselves that. Super interesting topic
as someone who went to school for bio anth i was so happy to see the title!!
I actually don’t understand that distinction - anthropology is the study of people, and biology is the study of living things. So is biological anthropology the study of currently living people??
Actually, anthropology is the estudy of culture, not people. But culture is such a broad therm. So the branch called biological antropogy is where both, anthropology and biology, meet
@@kaytan8409 Anthropology is more of a cultural study, and is extremely broad. So biological anthropology I suppose is more of a study of people, per se rather than the cultures/ customs that groups of people form.
@@kaytan8409 anthropology is generally seperated into three different categories: biological anthropology, cultural anthropology (basically what you are thinking of), and archeology. so while they all fall under "anthropology" and sometimes intersect, they are pretty different fields of study. in uni i even had a professor who was a medical anthropologist, so it is a very diverse field!
I think one of the ways that people stay in love for longs periods of time, is by "re-falling" in love with the same person over and over again. And sometimes it the only way, bc people change over the years, personality changes, and so it is kinda like falling in love again but now with a slightly different person. Don't forget that you are also changing too, so you are going to experience love and seek love differently.
Yep. It's so annoying when people say that people never change. I'm changing everyday, learning new things, updating my own perception...all the time.
So beautiful!!
Agreed. And she mentioned growing in love is a conscious decision. You choose who you want to stick with and grow attached to.
I like that
It's semantics but to me, love requires attachment. Love at first sight does not exist, but attraction at first sight does.
i love this woman, she’s so fun to listen to while also learning so much!
she's so great!! would love her take on aromanticism and asexuality!!!
Yeah, I was looking to see if there was a comment about that! Here you are!
YESSSS
Honestly I’m a bit disappointed in this because she paints romantic attraction as being “primal” and “necessary” when some single aromantics feel fully satisfied without ever dating someone. A lot of people believe that aromantic people are broken or mentally ill or disabled because they don’t have the right “hormones”. This is a similar belief to polyamoroua relationships, which she also did not cover.
Yeah, as an aro/ace person I was really hoping she would touch on that.
@@stxrryd I noticed that too.
I loved every minute of this video just because how she carried the topic answered each question ❤️ The soul mate answer was✨❤️ Shared with my friends too🐥
I agree! ❤
The soulmate answer appeals to my romantic self, but my analytical self wishes she had given some of her research as backing. Eg. "based on research, we've found that the human brain is incapable of holding more than one true love at a time"
exactly, this was epic
@@warkel Exactly. There are so many people in happy polyamorous relationships, and to just dismiss that without any scientific backing felt a bit harsh
@@warkel That's true, i absorbed it as something like you will always have that one love you will choose over all the rest
Is there a part II? 'CAUSE I TRULY NEED IT! so interesting, ready to hear more!
Lmao the skz stan, i see you. Also this was so nice to watch, she should have like a series or something. Does she have like a podcast ?
When someone asks why anthropology is important im going to refer to this video. Combining the science and human nature, looking at all cultures, experimenting not just for facts and figures but putting the person first. Its so important and often disregarded in academia.
Why? How is this important? Most of her conclusion are more pseudoscience than actual science. This idea of soulmates has no scientific data. Many things she affirmed in this video are based on the fact that she saw some brain regions getting activated which by itself proves nothing since they can be activated by any other factor than the ones she claims.
she has spoken about "romantic love" for ALL the video, and it is an humanistic concept that has nothing to do with biology. and also she make some errors when she spoke about hormonal systems. a melting pot of old fashioned traditionak and outdated concept of the mating system and New Age bs.
academias are filled by ideologies, like feminism with gender studies
@@ubermensch_dadaista1797 Shut up.
I never knew how love could so intensely affect the body before I actually fell in love. When me and my girlfriend started dating I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. I could wake up in the middle of the night and think of her and then be awake for hours simply because my heart was pounding so much I couldn't fall asleep again. I had a hard time eating as well, I kinda felt like being sick when trying to eat. I basically lived off of smoothies for about three months lol. Not pleasant at all actually, but the nervousness changed over time. It's really weird how this kinda thing is considered to be profitable for us as species. I'm grateful to have met such an incredible person and I couldn't imagine my life without her. But falling in love was a crazy experience.
I hope she was worth trouble! And you're brave to have gone through that. There are a lot of cowards out there.
it sounds horrible
I'm 42 and have never experienced this despite having 20+ relationships. (Frankly, your description sounds horrible....not desirable at all.) I also do not understand what love feels or looks like.
@@AA-wc3tw I mean there must be something wrong if the other person makes you feel like crap LOL It's normal to feel a little anxious around your crush, but a real lover should make you feel happy, comfortable and safe.
@@JishinimaTidehoshi Yeah, that's obvious. I guess I'm still waiting to experience those positive things. But I also don't want to experience the high stress/anxiety that OP writes about. That is definitely not positive or desirable for me.
I absolutely love how she speaks...I remained interested in every word she said till the end. You can see just how passionate she is in her study and I appreciate that.
do u know how I can ask questions for the upcoming Wired videos? like is there any account
I love that Jas loves Chan but is looking for someone irl. Good on you Stay :)
That’s what I thought too! I’m also a stay
I really love that Stays really are... everywhere all around the world (and internet ofc) ❤ Hope you Stays are having a good day!
StrayKids is really everywhere all around the world !
Speaking as a biologist who's also aromantic, I find this to be deeply fascinating. I've never felt romantic attraction or desire towards anybody, but I DO have one special person in my life who feels like a platonic soulmate/life partner, so I wonder if other aromantic people like me simply have a slightly less extreme wiring of the brain that encourages you to seek out people/one person you feel comfortable spending your life with, but isn't so hardcore that it leads into romantic attraction. Ex, I would feel like half of me is killed if I lost my platonic partner, but I've never felt romantic inclinations towards them in the slightest. I DO think that she has a bias towards monogamy, given the fact that systems in biology NEVER follow clear-cut rules (and poly people exist, though they tend to be rare), pairbonding in birds is arguably more common and stronger than with people so we're not the 'loving animals', and some of what she says about estrogen-linked qualities can be tied to social conditioning (reading body language/faces/etc is def. not linked to estrogen in my experience), but overall I feel like her knowledge and her explanations are solid. It just makes me curious about people like me who are the small percentage that don't follow a set path- for example, is that due to lower general activity in that brain region, or is it an occasional genetic quirk that pops up to reduce competition in the breeding sphere? Or do we just jump to the attachment system, as I have a relationship in that attachment phase without the romantic precursor? Fascinating stuff.
Agreed- I'm in a similar position, I'd love to take part in a study on it tbh! I think that would be fascinating, to figure out if this is underpinned with differences in neurology
I also find it interesting, I might be aromantic so I have no idea how the love she describes feels. But I have thought people as special or felt different about. I never obsessed about someone though (a squeeze?). A big part of love is obsession she said. So maybe because you're obsessed, romantic gestures and cheesy/cringey actions etc. feel okay or good to do. Like they say, love makes blind...
please I need to hear the non-monogamous and aromantic perspective on the of this.
How do we fund studies on this, it would be FASCINATING!
I agree that many of her answers are way too clear-cut for such a labile, diverse and complex as love and relationships. And that she has a bias towards monogamy. She was fascinating to hear but I'd love to hear a different take on the subject.
2:52 I FOUND A STAY LMAO YESS
I WAS JUST GONNA SAY THAT HAHAHAHA
@@emsie127 ayooo
they are our universe
🤗
YESSS I WAS SO SURPRISED
You gave Me more courage than all the psychologists out there with your scientific approach, thank you so much!!!!
I always enjoy listening to someone speak about a subject that they’re so knowledgeable about. I hope to know a subject so well, one day.
I interpreted the “How can you be in love with someone and jealous of them?” question as “How can you be in love with someone and yet be jealous that they do better than you?” Can you be in love with someone but at the same time be jealous of that person?
Same!
Yeahh I thought that too
Same
same
That's how I interpreted it as well...
2:55 stay 😭
Yesss😭💀
That was surprisingly optimistic and sweet. I'd do anything to get a brain scan, I'm so curious what love and heartbreak looks like in my brain
Thank you Dr. Fisher, finally state-of-the-art research on this! I was waiting for it. Obliged to read your books now :)
2:45 hello fellow STAY ?? 😭 let me tell you, it's impossible for a Chan stan to fall in love online when your standard is THE Bang Chan, that's it.
Omggg I was so shocked to see a fellow stay😭💀
As an aromantic person, this video is eye opening. It explains a lot of what I see when other people experience romantic attraction, but at the same time it makes me super confused of like "wait, this is really what people feel when they are romantically attracted to someone??"
What is it like to be aromantic?
Right? It sounds like they've caught an illness, they way she described it!
@@aureusyarara the way she described romantic attraction definitely doesn't sound pleasant at all haha
It may not sound like it, but it can be pleasant, to the point where couples in long-term, steady, warm/secure/fluffy romantic relationships miss that initial obsession, "fireworks", excitement and euphoria
Yes! I can’t believe people actually feel obsessed with other people like this
this was a delightful watch! thank you for sharing! my jaw dropped when she said she was dr. helen fisher, and i thoroughly enjoyed her responses!
This was insanely entertaining AND pedagogic. Well done
I feel like the jealousy question was misunderstood. Mate guarding is the drive to hold on to your beau, yes, but the question asks about when you're jealous OF them. For example; if they were able to back-flip on command or something, & instead of being happy for them that they can do something cool, you're jealous or envious you can't. There's a difference between that kind of jealousy & the kind caught up w/flirting. I would love a revisit to that question.
Yes that's how I understood the question, like people who get jealous when their partner is more successful than them.
@@ojs5988 Well there's no stronger love than love for ourselves, right? In other words, we are very selfish creatures.
that's envy not jealousy
You are confusing envy with jealousy. She explained when the partner is getting jealous of the person they are interacting to. Jealousy becomes envy when the partner starts getting jealous of *you* being able to interact with others because of something you possess. At that point, it becomes a well established fact that your partner doesn't love *you*, but only what you possess.
@@seabreeze4559 i think some people use the term “jealous” synonymously with “envious”. in my vocabulary, jealousy can (in some situations) mean the same thing as envy. i think that the usage in the tweet was using the “envy” definition. idek
I'd be very interested to hear what she thinks about people who don't experience romantic attraction and whether that's related to conditions that affect your dopamine like ADHD.
That's what I was thinking too, like adhd is literally based around dopamine so it has to be affected way differently in love right?!
Me too. I'm comfortable with being aroace but I'm genuinely curious about the scientific standing on this as I do have symptoms of anxiety and depression and I always wonder if the latter is affecting the former
Yeye I’m demiromantic asexual and have ADHD and a bunch of other stuff going on in my brain and I’m wondering whether me having a lack of dopamine correlates with (or causes) my demiromanticism and asexuality 🤔
@@SketchUT Same same, i'm demisexual and have been questioning whether or not i'm demiromantic as well but it's honestly hard to be sure for smth that's way less....physical. And maybe the adhd explains that OR what she said about "you're not ready to be in love" which kinda makes sense to me as well...
great now I'm having an existencial crisis (I'm aromantic ADHD)
This was just amazing... it makes the idea of LOVE more complex but oddly more understandable than I imagined, gonna make a story out of this someday.
2:15 This is honestly kinda comforting. The sort of promise that you'll be ok in time.
I’d love to see your take on love with ADHD, because the dopamine system is different with people with adhd,. I think it’s either at 0 or 100, with love but also hyperfixations in general.
YES, this would be so interesting
Yeah!! I wonder about that as well!
Nice pink diamond picture
And autism… I‘m autistic. But I also think you can have multiple soulmates since polyamorous people exist happily
@@luxbutler3194 "Soulmate" is more like a spiritual concept. Some people don't believe in them, and some do, and some people call every person they are even vaguely similar to: their "soulmate". The whole concept of a soul is debateable; let alone the concept that someone out there was built to be emotionally intimate with you or whatever. Humans are generally monogamous because it is a social construct (which works a bit like selective mating), and because a lot of people are emotionally comfortable with investing in one person only (sometimes because of social conscience and sometimes because of emotional reasons). Some societies have practiced polygamy all along, some have dropped polygamy, and some people are built in a way that they cannot feel settled without polyamory. Humans are way too numerous and way too complex to fit into one sentence or statement.
She needs a KZhead channel or something. I'd definitely watch her analysis of love.
Agreed but I strongly disagree with her stances of romantic love. I know she’s a scientist but what she describes is the difference between platonic and romantic sounds like the difference between interest in an acquaintance and someone you consider family. Because otherwise, with her definition of love, romantic love I mean, guess my dog is romantically interested in me XD dogs automatically when they love their owner are just obsessed about every single thing about them and think everything they do is wonderful. Same thing with parents to children older siblings to younger siblings. Obviously there’s no incest going on there, which is why I think it’s absolutely ridiculous to be claiming these are romantic love experiences and not just within the familial bound which romantic is within the familial bound of types of relationships but it’s just one of many kinds along with others. Also I don’t like that she’s talking as if the only reason why were required for romance is for reproduction when as she said before it would be more biologically effective reproduction Wise if we were to not be faithful. I thought it was scientifically proven that humans and actually all beings need love to live? We are wired to have interpersonal relationships of all kinds.
@@undermeister7592 good point, but also, remember, no one asked for years either. Same time, technically speaking, this KZhead channel ask for all of our opinions, I mean, it’s not the point of a comment section? If they didn’t want to hear our opinions regardless of what it is, it would have been turned off. If you’re offended by my opinion, no need to stop and read it. It’s fine if you want to properly discuss it but it simply seems pointless to waste your energy on something you don’t want to discuss yet strongly disagree with with “nobody asked your opinion “when that’s literally the point of a comment section
@@otakumangastudios3617 strong comeback :)
@@Dayhlen lol thank you 😅
I remember watching this after my first heartbreak. Time really heals
Second time to listen to this. There’s warmth in the way you explain things scientifically. I am just craving to absorb everything you just said. ❤
as a grey-aromantic, i'd love to ask her questions regarding her opinions on the aromantic spectrum of romantic attraction!
This would be such an interesting topic for part 2!!!!
ayo a fellow aromantic!!! i was thinking the same thing
Same, as an aro-ace I was waiting for it the whole time
what kind of things are you talking about?
YOOOO IT'S MY PEOPLE! I have tons of questions too that I would love her answered as a grey-romantic in a new-ish relationship.
She expresses brilliantly, especially with how her answers with emphasis of the human-ness of romantic affection. I'm usually just a quiet watcher, but this episode was so cool I needed to join the other commentors in showing my support. I hope there'll be a part 2!
Yeah me too !! She was very calming and nice.💜
*humanity of romantic affection :)
Z f
I need more of this, sooo many questions came up in my mind while listening. Truly Amazing
Friendship develops. Fondess grows. If given time, genuine love is established. And then, physical intimacy occurs, completely clouding the windscreens of both logic and judgment. Good luck everyone.
As a Demisexual demiromantic person that can fall in love only after i become close friends first, I wholeheartedly agree
I really liked this woman!! She explained everything so clearly and concisely. Thanks for making this episode!!