When It's Time to Break Up, Here's How to Do It With Kindness
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It's easy to leave when someone has been horrible. But when someone has shown good faith and has some good qualities, the decision to break up takes courage -- especially for people who carry abandonment wounds from childhood. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who has made the difficult decision to end her relationship with an "OK" guy. She's asked for the words to tell him. Watch to hear my step-by-step plan for making a clean and honorable break from a partner.
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"You care about him, but you are no longer going to take care of him". I needed to hear these words today. Thank you.
Care taking 180....over giving is under receiving
I'm not in a relationship but I still watch your relationship based videos because I don't want to make these mistakes when I get into one.
1. Tell them you need to speak to them, meet in person, in a public space. 2. Let them know immediately that you are breaking up 3. Avoid criticizing, blaming, putting down, etc. Be kinda but clear. 4. No more than 20 minutes or so. If they want a follow-up meeting/conversation, do it by phone. Do not get sucked back in.
it seems kind of harsh though
This one hit home as I’ve been dating someone for 6 months who is absolutely amazing, but not 100% available. I’m realizing that I need to step back, And let him know I cannot go longer the way things are now. I’m scared to lose him and I don’t want to be doing years of an amazing part time relationship.
Don't waste years, like I did. I knew he was emotionally unavailable, but just kept hoping he would come around. Plus, I loved him more, jumped through hoops. Don't be a circus animal.
@@yeswing10 I did the same. I spent 7 years of my life doing this. If they aren’t available, they AREN’T available!
@@Melissa-kw1sl I've been alone now for 4 years, and it's the best thing I ever did. I enjoy just doing my own thing.
I stepped back and communicated my needs and he has stepped up. I feel cherished, adored and am so turned on by a man standing in his integrity with me.
If he has you accepting part time if you ever have him FT he will have another new woman doing part time status
That pep talk at the end was exactly what I needed. The advice was helpful too! I recently broke off an 8 1/2 year relationship and I've been struggling lately with the decision because while it wasn't a horrible relationship, it wasn't fulfilling. I've been struggling with the nostalgia from when we first got together. The 'honeymoon phase' that got me hooked on 'the potential' I kept hoping for, despite being constantly disapointed and hurt. We also had a pattern of breaking up and rapidly getting back together so.. Breaking it off and keeping it that way has been hard. But I'm sticking to my decision by any means necessary. Reading old journals, talking about it to people who care about me, reminding myself what I REALLY want in a partner, and what I have to offer to someone who's ready and willing to cherish me- all these things have helped. These videos have helped me a lot to stop settling too! So thank you again!
Mike Johnson GO AWAY FROM THIS SITE!!
I am in a very similar situation.
Same here👋🏾
How do you break up with someone you live with?
I am a day hospital therapist; I lead DBT groups during the day, and tune into The Fairy at night. I am constantly learning from your wisdom. To date, everything you have spoken resonates with what I have personally experienced and what I have learned practicing. You have just the right amount of understanding and compassion with a healthy dose of tough love. I am very grateful for this channel as you are becoming one of the healthier voices in my head. Please make a public request for help if you decide to grow your mission (or reply now!) The mental health system is still in its infancy, to put it kindly, and I dont like spinning my wheels. I would love to help you practice what clearly works, even if just organizing subscribers in a word document. Sooner or later.
Thank you, noted :) -Cara@TeamFairy
I just LOVE this channel and the awesome work that you do Anna!! A million thanks! 👑
You're welcome!! Thanks for being here! - Ashley, Team Fairy
When Anna read "in lieu of marriage", I literally thought dingdingdingding (as in, alarm bells). Reminds me of the term 'crap-fitting', how we fit ourselves to the crap people want, and then wonder, how did I get myself into this situation..?
Thanks for the help. This opioid pandemic has hit more people than they realize. Many people I have talked to are shocked how they got caught up in this mess ..we trusted doctors and they only ruined our lives. Some people will take this drug to there grave. To heal from this addiction will take a lot of strength and energy. You have helped me rebuild my life. I pray to God he never let me take the first pill. I am free to live my life now and be happy. Thanks so ever much. Later.
Very well done! It is really difficult to include kindness, but it is calming. We are all so damaged. Thank you for your great understanding.
Fairy, your videos are such a blessing. Thank you 🙏
Thank you Anna. This was clear, straightforward, considerate, and respectful. Hopefully this can help a lot of us with wounded hearts ❤️
Best of luck Charlotte & your son ❤️ Love & Best wishes from Limerick, Ireland 🍀🥰
My heart goes out to "Charlotte" 💕 and I love how our fairy is helping with the clarity in what words to use! ✨🧚♀️ We weren't all taught how to break-up safely and cleanly, so thank you!
Thank you for sharing your support with our letter writer. Grateful you're here! - Ashley, Team Fairy
Thanks Universe for showing me this channel when most needed! ✨ thanks to you for this amazing information 💕
I did it!! I did it!!! I did it!!! Just now With your help with this video! 🥳 In my case, this person had very high narcissitic tendancies and with a normal person, in-person would have been the right way to go. I was with this person on and off for 3 years and I was shaming myself for not being able to be strong enough to break up in person. However, I have never been safe expressing my feelings to him. I always ended up walking away feeling like I was the problem and wondering why I went to him in the first place. It was always so painfully intolerable to experience this time and time again that I decided to avoid this form of abuse, something I never wanted to experience again, ever. I knew I would if I broke up in person with him. So I wrote him a letter. I did it with kindness and followed your model here. I am ever grateful for this video you made and I believe I was successful in a very healthy approach to the break up - no blaming or shaming at all and to the point, and kind. I can celebrate this. At the same time, I needed to prepare myself for it to not end well regardless because of him being a narcissist. I imagined that if we did go to a coffee shop, that as soon as I mentioned that I was breaking up with him, which would have been the very first thing, he would have stood up, not interested in hearing any more, and walked out immediately, leaving me to sit there alone. This would have triggered massive abandoment wounds in me of course. So, knowing this, if he was going to do that and end "us" like that, I thought it would be better if I had a barrier to soften the blow - that barrier being typed messages over the internet versus in my face in person. And guess what - after spending literally hours making sure my break up letter was kind, to the point and no blaming, he in the virtual way, walked out immediately. He took all of less than 2 minutes to read all that I had written (which was one full page of a single-spaced word document) and responded by saying to me in a text "Read it. Thank you & bye! 😌". That was it. I am trying not to read into it and just move on, but it almost seems to me that he is happy about this as well as spiteful. In any case it was NOT kind. My whole being is swirling right now thinking "that's it?!! just thank you and bye?!!" But honestly,I have to remind myself over and over again each minute, that this is his best and I can expect no more from him than that. The only thing I regret at the moment is that I allowed this kind of behavior to go on as long as I did. But I am out now and I need to stay out. I don't think that will be a problem though now that I am thoroughly convinced he is not going to try to get me back this time. The doors are closed regardless. Thank you again!!! You are a true blessing to me.
Big congratulations! Good work! There should be a hallmark card for this, really. You're free! You took a giant step toward real love! There may be a few vulnerable times ahead. That's normal. I encourage you to line up friend support, activities that keep you busy and bring you joy, nutritious reading and a means to direct your attention to the life you want to build in your happy future. Hugs to you!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy it feels different this time like there's nothing to miss. Because there was nothing there. The fantasy is over. I feel no more alone now than I did the day before. I don't miss him this time and I'm not sad. My heart doesn't feel broke because it was broken a long time ago. Again the bubble is burst the fantasy is popped. It's over. I will take your advice and do all that you just said. I am free now to fill up the space that was reserved for him with other things. That space was often left empty.
Anna. You are a miracle for me. Thank You God for You and for KZhead. I am being helped enormously by your experience, accuracy, information, suggestions and support. I learn so much from you. Your content brings me clarity and has made my life make sense in ways all my past work hasn’t done. I wish the very best for you. Thank You 🙏
This really hit different today. Thank you fairy
Thank you fairy❤this really touched my heart
Another powerful video, thank you Anna! 🙏🏽💕
Glad you liked it!! -Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for this on point needed to here this to appreciated
My Dear Fairy, I broke up with somebody who had been asked two times repeated he cant say anythig for what he can appreciate me after three years of being together. Thank you for this video
Annaaaaaa ty for this content and wisdom ❤
Dang, this is my exact relationship except no kids. Thank you for this video!
this is exactly what I needed today
This also reminds me of "Phoebe wants marriage and Mike didn't want it and Phoebe made a boundary and ended up breaking up with him" in "Friends"❤👍.
I would definitely not hug. I would definitely read into that.
Well said. 🥰
Beautiful feedback
I loved the advise at the end where the Fairy mentioned that if he’s going to be at any gatherings, don’t go.. LoL!! I met a guy at my brother’s Christmas party last year who was a snake charmer and got me all emotionally worked up, but never asked for my contact info... this triggered limerance for me and I’ve been struggling with weather or not I should go back to the Christmas party this year... Anna’s advice helped solidify my decision NOT to go ~~ because I know the guy’s gonna be there ~~ I really had a hard time deciding because it’s my brother’s party ~
This is fabulous
Thank you so much. I wish we could have known each other growing up, Fairy. And I wish you all the best Charlotte, you've got this and I hope things are working out!
Thank you! You too! -Cara@TeamFairy
I still love this blazer!
Can you give some prime examples of a good and healthy relationship? I keep running into “unhealthy and toxic” relationships, but that’s it.
9:22 you said to "meet at a bus stop, but that could be sad." 😆 Anna that was funny, it would kind of have a '90s vibe to it. Just break up with someone at a bus stop, then stand up, and get on the bus. LOL cue the music to fade out the screen. I would wait in line for a platonic version of these types of videos, please. Edit: I just listened to the breaking you with you speech and that was wonderfully said! Bravo! Hard to get mad when you put it to "Mark" like that.
Such a great advice. :) #Believe - Feb
I’ve found it best to just be direct.
I was just gonna ask you to cover this subject and then I saw you just did
Hope she runs and stays away....of course now that she left he wants her....enough is enough...RUN
Love your videos! I was wondering if you had a video or you could talk about how to emotionally regulate yourself after an incredible first date? Thank you!
No particular video - but Anna always recommends doing The Daily Practice to regulate emotions. If you're unfamiliar, there's a free course all about it here: bit.ly/3608opl - Ashley, Team Fairy
My ex did it with a meeting with a mediator. It worked okay.
Such great advice!
Hi Anna, I was wondering if you can make a video about the mental & physical long term effects after being homeless for several years in the past. I know a few people who’ve been trough this. And I really want to understand what they’ve been trough & still are going trough mentally and physically. Since it’s a hard topic for them to talk about.
Noted, thank you :) -Cara@TeamFairy
I need this video. lol I always end up hurting them worse than if I would have just broken up with them.
I feel for her. I’ve never had to break up with someone in that way. Anytime I was the one who had to break up it was after they did something horrible and the obvious answer was to end it. I’m in a strange relationship now. My partner doesn’t do anything horrible to destroy our relationship (that I know of.) However, after 8 years I feel like the spark is MIA. We haven’t been passionate in 2 years. On my part, I just started menopause and my libido seems gone. On her end, she’s been depressed bc of all the things that have gone on in the World in the last couple years and financial worries. She says, she’s just not in a headspace to be passionate. I don’t know where this is going but the relationship feels like roommate and friends right now. I worry that the attraction might have gone away. It’s difficult when your both dealing with your own separate issues. We are both focusing on ourselves for now. I worry one day I may have to have this conversation.
Maybe not a permanent break up but a break for a while while both parties get involved with therapy and 12 step groups .. and if he refuses.. break up ,move on and wish him the best on his journey....
It doesn't sound like he knows what he wants ..
And what if they won't stop calling, texting, emailing, etc.? I have trouble with the "let's be friends" boundaries and would love that to be part of a video.
Excellent wording.
Hi Charlotte, I'm going through a similar issue re breakup but have only been seeing the person for 5 (tumultuous) months. We are trauma bonded and it's transpired we are also just worlds apart. We both have cptsd, (her's undiagnosed), but I've been working really hard for the last year to understand attachment theory almongst other CPTSD related things. I just know that she's not right for me and I don't want to be in another long term relationship out of guilt because I don't want to reinforce the negative subconscious fears and messages she has about about herself and what others are going to do to her. I want her to be able to trust and find love but I'm scared that how I handle this will cause her further damage and increased fear of abandonment and rejection. So far, this fear has seen me get sucked back in multiple times. How do I break it off after study a shirt, but intense, time? I don't like to do things by text as it is but I'm reluctant to meet face to facedue to emotional manipulation. Thank you!
Geez run girl run..put your son first always...deal breaker if your son not happy and perving arond means he always will. Run!!!!
I could have written this 😭😭😭
Glad you saw it! -Cara@TeamFairy
He says, 'I dont believe you."
I wouldn't even hug him because he may get the wrong idea. Just shake his hand and move on ....
She should dump him. Just say its not working and close the door.
I know this has nothing to do with the video, but I have a question. Is it possible to be dysregulated when you’re sick, or if you’re in physical pain? I have CPTSD. And if I’m sick with a cold, or if I’m in physical pain over something as small as a sunburn, I tend to get a little more dysregulated than if I’m not sick or hurt. And I wonder why the heck I’m this dysregulated.
That makes sense. Being in pain takes a lot of our attention which would be going to keeping ourselves regulated.
well, now you know that being physically uncomfortable is a trigger for you. Other than that, I cannot tell you how to deal with that. i hope you find a good answer soon.
@@anaguerrerosholisticwellbe2788 I wasn’t exactly looking for how to deal with it. I was just wondering if that was relevant, or if I was just over reacting.
@@siennaprice1351 oh I see. I think it's relavant. Most people are a bit more grumpy or snappy when feeling unwell so I gather for CPTSD sufferers is no different and it'd make sense to have a stronger reaction to the same trigger. I don't think it's an abnormal or uncommon
@@Alphacentauri819 wow. This really helped. Can it also effect somebody with physical conditions? I say this because I’m totally blind as well.
Here are my tips on how to break up with someone when you know it's time. Let me reiterate, "when you know it's time ". Break off communication. It's that simple. I'm not saying it's easy, but it is that simple. As for those in danger from a breakup, first seek help from professional. Second break off all communication I've learned this the hard way. Experience.
That only works if you’re not living or married to that person.
@@TisDana When I finally had enough, I made my exit plan. It took one year to implement. My kids, not hers, were tortured seeing how she treated me. No contact was about me recapturing myself. How empty of me to be so full of her. My career, relationships with my kids and others, and my perspective have all dramatically changed. The problem for me was not having the information, believing in fantasy, and staying too long trying to fix the unfixable.
@@randybailey2282 glad you’re in a better place now.
No, you don't just f-ing ghost your partner.
@@XxYwise Agree. I think there's instances when this is appropriate, like in abuse and you need to run for your life and safety, but this situation doesn't sound like that.
Kisses
He has to realize you are a package deal with your son . If he doesn't.. break up ,tell him "I hope you get help and I wish you the best.."
Make it fast, make it clear and do not say anything that will make them long for you more. Don't say sorry, and don't be baited into further conversation. This typically occurs when the person you broke up with says something along the lines of "I deserved more then just a text message". It's not about the medium, it's about the message. You want out. Let them down as gently as possible but take care not to show affection. It's over. Also, please don't be that gal/guy who stays friends with their ex, it's such a giant red-flag.
Chances are extremely good that they deserved more than a text message, especially if they've been accommodating your C-PTSD symptoms. One of which is likely diminished object constancy, which may have manifested as clinginess before but which becomes weaponized in the form of the breakup by text. The C-PTSD mind doesn't see the problem because hey, out of sight, out of mind, but ending any sort of long-term relationship by text is cowardly and cruel. Look me in the eyes and say it... and if it hurts you to do so, that's because it's supposed to.
@@XxYwise No. I'm not breaking up with you because I care about you, nor do I do it because I want to care about you in the future. It's over, it's done.
@@Alphacentauri819 If I did care I would still be with them. Also, I don't care if its "egocentric". I love having an ego, I love having a self, and I don't buy into that eastern mumbojumbo new age BS about how its "evil" to have an ego. Also, when someone breaks up with me I really don't care what their reasons are, in fact I don't want to know. They leave because they are not happy and thats enough for me. The problem isn't that I'm not enough, the problem is that they want someone else. When I dump someone, I really am doing them a favor. I'm not wasting their precious time, nor do I feed their illusions. When someone is breaking it off with me they are doing me a favor by not wasting my time and feeding my illusions. Just tell me its over, and move on, I will just tell you its over and I will move on as well.
You don't need a marriage or commitment to be happy ..
That’s true, but that’s what this woman wants, it’s awful wanting this with someone you love and they don’t want same, this is the dichotomy, does she stay or go… 🤔
My girl would run screeming through the whole city, crying, yelling and whatever is needed to get attention and influence through third partys. LOL
"I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee." - and then you throw dog poop on their shoes....
She needs to put Mark in the rear view mirror.
Maybe she should wear a ring on her finger even though she's single so men don't get the wrong idea...
I've been MGTOW for at least 20 years, and it works for me. So, I haven't had to find just the right words. MGTOW exists for a good reason.
@@Alphacentauri819 good God man, do you really have this much time to scribble?
@@Alphacentauri819 my God, but you are wordy! One question: did I ask for your help? I don't recall doing that. So, for being presumptuous, consider yourself blocked. Have a terrific day!
It's really very simple; if you're NOT married, no matter how long you've played house YOU ARE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP
Yikes, what a sad perspective.
A very US centric post. In scandinavia most couples don’t get married, because we are an atheist/agnostic and feminist nation which usually sees moving in with a partner as the equivalent of a lifetime commitment. A ring and a priest isn’t the only way to show devotion to someone.
I'm unsubbing bc I don't like the letter reading. Listening to other peoples problems is not healthy.
I'm pretty sure Anna reads these letters because some of us can learn from the advise she gives
Bye!
@@KandyKoatedKrafts my real name is “Kandice” your response made me laugh 😂
😂😂😂
@@CJ-uk1rt Anna can read the letters to herself and then format videos around certain topic groups.