How to talk to the worst parts of yourself | Karen Faith | TEDxKC
NOTE FROM TED: This talk contains a discussion of suicidal ideation. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please consult a mental health professional and/or support organization, as this talk is not a substitute for mental health advice.
People researcher and empathy trainer Karen Faith found it easier to welcome strangers than the strange parts of herself, until a breakthrough moment changed that for good. In this honest and funny talk, she shares the story for everyone who struggles with self-acceptance. Karen Faith is an ethnographer and strategist whose work has guided teams and initiatives at Google, Amazon, Indeed, The NBA, The ACLU, Blue Cross Blue Shield, The Federal Reserve Bank, and The Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art, among many others.
An alumnus of the Hyper Island Business Transformation course in Stockholm, Sweden, she has taught her approach to students at Penn State, Juilliard, KU, Chapman University, and the National University of Singapore. She lives in New York, where she is the CEO and Founder of Others Unlimited, an empathy training company. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
“I will listen to you, but I will not obey you.” That really made me cry.
me too🥲♥️
came to comment the same thing
me too, my mind kept whining why i wouldn't obey 'me', but other mind knew for sure why i couldn't.
Trillionsssss of words could not make 4legs get the TRUTH. Before teaching others what to talk, please STOP to thinking and looking yourselves, your people, societies first. If you see the TRUTH, you would close your month and the whole country.
Best part of this talk🫂
This felt like stand up comedy, therapy and a poetry session all in one. Beautiful.
🙏
Well said!
Her talk reminded me of a Rumi poem. “This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”
Yes, exactly this. Thank you, Chris.
Thank you so much for sharing this; it gives an added level of meaning to the talk.
I was at a gallery opening this past week and the band that was playing music during the event read this poem in the middle of their set. Strange to run into it twice in one week. Thank you for posting it.
This is perfect. Wow.
I thought the same thing! I had a copy of that poem on my desk at work for years.
"Love is what happens when we STOP trying to figure out who deserves it." - Karen Faith (wow! I love this quote!)
Me too! Gave me chills!
Bit of an 'oof' moment for me 😅
Me too! Very notable.
❤
me too
Best note: "We've been told love is hard. It's not. Love is what happens when we stop trying to figure out who deserves it. It's right there.. and we welcome someone, anyone exactly as they are in the moment."
agree, that is quite note worthy to say the least
Yes, but we don't try and change them if we don't agree with how they live their lives
Yes that's life changing.
The technique Karen is talking about is called Internal Family Systems (IFS). I had a therapist use this to help me and it did wonders. You can also use it yourself. It works if you can ask yourself questions in a self-compassionate way. It does feel like you are crazy when another voice (which is yours) speaks back, but parts of us have been stuck in traumatic moments.
YES!!! Such an incredible therapy! The best book on this kind of therapy is called: "No Bad Parts" By. Dr. Richard C. Schwartz.
Thank you so much!
I came to the comment section to say this. Internal family systems made my life so much better. This is the future of psychotherapy, of all therapy. So few people know about it right now.
Came here to say this.
I had never head of IFS but it makes sense and I need to practice it.
I’m a TED Talk addict and have listened to hundreds of them - and this one is one of the most compelling AND practically useful.
Thank you, Yukiko!
this is my first time to watch TED talk，I think this one is great
Totally agree
"Everyone that you show unconditional welcome may show you a part of yourself to love"
"I love you, thank you for helping me see what you see"
So strange how, sometimes, you stumble upon exactly what you need in that moment. Thank you.
The Universe has an uncanny knack for that😀
So her name is basically CARE AND FAITH…. THAT IS SO APPROPRIATE
That's actually perfect, she has angel presence. Her knowing and intention is purely angelic, simple as that. As a human being, she'd say 'I'm no angel!', but trust me, this is a real one guys.
Had a friend a long time ago named Chris Chin. This was before finding Christ and becoming a believer. Funny looking back on it now. Signs are usually all around us but in a very subtle way.
@@rhythmindset6996No lol
“Love is what happens when you stop trying to figure out who deserves it.” I’m now inspired to practice growing my “sphere of unconditional welcome”. 💗
The quote's brilliance is in its simplicity. I'm really interested in this practice!
@@dankozubal hmmmmm
@@dankozubal Thank you, Dan. It is super simple, and super useful. :)
This quote hit me so hard! YES
If you can't love yourself ,start by loving others , actually that way you respect yourself and it is loving yourself too
She is phenomenal. A force of nature. I didn't even realize I had tears running down my face for a moment, that's how deeply she reaches. She bypasses the conscious mind and ego and speaks directly to your subconscious, the truth. I wish that everyone had at least a fraction of her wisdom and intelligence. We would be a thriving, evolved global society in no time.
What a compliment! Thank you. 🙏
@@KarenFaith have you studied IFS??is this from IFS?? you are amazingly intelligent
I'm performing a scientific experiment: how many times do I have to watch this video in order to burn its wisdom into my brain so that I can recall it in times of stress. Luckily, there is no end of stress with which I can test my hypothesis. :)
I’m sitting here crying. I’ve prayed for months for God to help me better myself. All myselves. The signs He has given me just the past few days are overwhelming but I’m welcoming them all! Your talk is awesome THANK YOU
You are not, you are never, alone.♥️ That's why we need each other so very desperately. Otherwise, we forget. 💪 Be strong, and very courageous. Be kind to yourself first.🦋
I am alone. God please come to me. Is it possible that my mental illnesses are too overwhelming to get past to receive the messages?
Ditto! I almost didn't listen because of the pain I knew it would expose. SHE told my story better than I think I could have.
@@dianejones4276 be careful because hoping for a savior that may never come can be even more detrimental. Try to think ligically
✝️
WHO ARE YOU AND HOW DID YOU HELP ME IN LESS THAN 15 MINUTES? 😂❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
"can you just.. welcome them here" "can you welcome you" I love the way she says it
Came to a lot of these realizations as a tattoo artist. We have to sit with people we don't agree with for hours sometimes. It's our job to make something beautiful for them.
Easily one of the best TED Talks I’ve ever watched. Awesome message and compelling speaker.
Even her name fits well.
@@JoSheeply 😅
@@JoSheeply :)
Top human. Scarily confident, funny, intelligent, professional speaker, beautiful voice, flawless diction and an actor's range of tonality and so incredibly expressive... Perfect live delivery from memory or ad-libbed?? AND with a vital compassionate humanist message and a bunch of cool insights on the way.
A tiny bit of vocal fry. Otherwise, excellent.
@@lmp9726 Get over yourself and stop searching so hard for superiority.
@@lmp9726 just say you’re miserable and have to see the bad in people.
@@Freetheebeesand yet they're welcome anyway
@@abby999 😂😂😂 dude's gotta open his sphere of unconditional love
"Love is a house you can crawl in through a window" this is so poetic
I’m just so blessed that every time I hit a wall, the universe sends me a lifeline. And this talk was it this time around.
Absolutely extraordinary. This is a masterclass in delivering a TED-style talk, how to use humor without stepping on the message, AND on the deeply misunderstood and under-appreciated skill of perspective-taking. What a gift to us working in the field of human connection. Thank you, Karen!
Thank you, Brian! I just watched yours and loved it.
@@KarenFaith Thank you! Feel free to connect elsewhere on the socials. I’m easy to find :)
@@KarenFaith Thank you for the shining example of authenticity, courage, humility, empathy/love, humor, more! I had flashbacks of John Bradshaw, who 31 years ago opened me up to inner-child work. I will look up more of your work, both personal and general focus-group moderation. Watched this 3x already, and will keep enjoying it. Brilliant & beautiful. Thanks again.
It's in this point of time that I realize it's normal to have a conflicting feelings. That I don't have to repeatedly justify myself why I still remain kind to other given they've hurted me badly.
“I promise I am going to take care of you, but I need you to get on board. I will listen to you but I will NOT obey you.” Going through a rough breakup now and really needed to hear this. My inner-child is in disbelief of the trauma and keeps screaming and crying out for something (but, like a child, doesn’t know what it needs). I just have to hold him, hear him out, and promise it’s going to be okay- but being toxic to ourselves or others won’t resolve anything.
Hey, how r u doing????
Going through the same thing.
Everything will be alright.... ❤
I watched this multiple times to make sure all my inner selves saw it. ❤️
Wow, definitely made me cry. That moment when you realize that we all have parts, and some of them just need a hug, like how you would hug a little kid. I believe she is talking about Internal Family Systems.
yes i think so too
The ideas that I'm discussing are very similar to those in IFS, but my practice doesn't happen to come from there. The concept of multiplicity of self is OLD and unattached to psychiatry (Rumi, Walt Whitman, and the apostle Paul knew ages ago). The main idea I am sharing is Unconditional Welcome. It is an approach to engagement with the self and others which begins with full awareness and acceptance of the moment. And I didn't invent that, either. :) I do appreciate all the commenters who recognize IFS and other philosophies here. It has been my experience that when something rings true, it can be found everywhere.
Seeing myself as a prism instead of a broken mirror is wonderful
Yes! I found it so helpful, too! 🌈🌈
I'm a therapist. This is WONDERFUL. Brilliant.
Thank you, Michele. 🤍
I am so grateful for therapist. Thank for doing what you do
I've had so many issues working on this, i feel like i did get better at dealing with it but still it's very hard at times. Consider the fact that 1 year ago i was jobless, depressed, out of shape, heavy smoker and out of options in life as a 25yro, and at that time i was extremely rough with myself, i used to genuinely hate myself, and hate is a strong word. Then i took a leap of faith and traveled to another country, i had to stop being so toxic with myself, psychologically and physically, it started with what i eat, i started to eat more healthy, stopped smoking... 6 months free of it! I started working out as well and learning the language of said country. It's been such a wild ride, and despite the fact that i consider myself to have made such a good change in my life i can't but be harsh at myself at times, but i know why, some of these reasons are true in my opinion and some are just delusions that i created over the years. I really plan on working on this and just free myself of the chains that i created.
You’re perfect ❤
You’re brave, please don’t give up on your journey.
@@CHRISTALMOUNTAIN No one is perfect. No one. We don’t need to become narcissistic about ourselves inorder to have mercy on our imperfect parts.
❤️🙏
Our depression speaks for us, far more than anything we can ever say at times.
Loud voice 🌹💞
"Only reality is the moment , everything else is thoughts . What's in front of you , where you are , what you see with your eyes is real and that's reality . Rest everything is your thoughts " My mentor told me this and this thought helped me , maybe help you as well , try thinking that way .
This actually made me feel so much relief. "The round table" of inner selves is exactly how I describe how I found the strength to rebuild myself and function again after falling into a sever depression when my partner passed I slept nearly all day but my mind was my inner selves sitting in a circle in a dark room bringing everything to light and talking through everything. To hear I'm not just crazy for how I did it and that others do too is such a comfort .
♥️
Thank you so much for sharing this. Sending you lots of love! ❤
"Love happens when we stop deciding who deserves it" - Karen Faith
I love knowing I am not the only one with a roundtable. The last few years have felt all of the things she mentioned. Her daily commute sounds like the last 6 yrs of my life. There's no worst feeling to me than being trapped in your own mind and know no one can get you out except you. I hope she knows how powerful this was for me!
Thank you, Phylicia. You are certainly not the only one. :)
How strange it is that I find it on a time when I needed all these answers in maybe exactly the way you addressed it. It is a very beautiful way. And I’m too going to give all my selves unconditional positive regard and I know it will work out❤
I'm so glad it was helpful to you, Ananya.
Manifesting!
Psychodynamic psychology refers to this as the "committee in your head." I often ask my clients to identify who they have on their committee in their head, and if they want those voices (often from childhood trauma) to continue with a seat on the committee. What a well done talk, thank you!
I used to shut down all other voices, and stuck to one that is really hard on myself.
I am not looking for any kind of trouble. But she is the Karen that everyone needs to talk about ☠️💕
What a beautiful way to share how our emotional traumas reveal themselves to be our greatest gift to humanity! ❤
It is an amazing mystery. :)
This talk was uploaded 57 minutes ago... I just prayed about my struggle with self-love and acceptance....Never expected the answer to my prayer about learning to love and accept myself, would come through a Ted Talk on KZhead. All I can do is cry and thank HIM for answering another prayer. ❤🩹
Start eating healthy
nah, all it shows is that the microchips are working
Maybe thank the human being, the one on this stage giving the speech, not your imaginary friend.
This was absolutely brilliant. Karen captured what I have been struggling with my entire life. It was no accident that I stumbled upon this video I saw needed to see this. Thank you so much Karen from the bottom of my heart.
You are very welcome, Stefan. Thanks for saying so. :)
I’ve just recently learned there are no such things as accidents. Everything happens for a definitive reason. We have all found this Ted Talk for a reason…eventually, that reason will come to us. Enjoy the journey😀
Speaking of micro cues, the way she says, "Horrible" at 14:05 sounded to me like despair, terror, love, betrayal, and sadness all smooshed into a single word's time-couldn't have been more than 3/4 of a second in an otherwise positive and hopeful string of words and ideas. It got me. When I heard that, it was like a knife went through my chest and poked my heart-took my breath away for a second and made my eyes well up. Maybe because I know all to well what she's talking about. Maybe because, for the moment she said that, I felt for a split second that I wasn't alone. One thing's for sure, our thoughts and emotions and the way our minds work and everything about us works to make us who we are and how we experience and interpret what's going on is extremely complex. I think she's right. We should give ourselves more credit, be kinder to ourselves. So I hope you reading this right now, if you know what I'm talking about, I hope you can know too that you're not alone. I want to take this moment, in my own multi-faceted sometimes good and bad and perfectly flawed self, to extend my love to you in your multi-faceted sometimes good and bad and perfectly flawed self. We're not alone, you and I. And we can learn to live and love ourselves. It's gonna get better. It's gonna be alright. 🙏❤
Thanks, Mike. What you felt was exactly what I meant. 🤍
This was the best TEDtalk I’ve heard in a while. What a beautiful, meaningful conversation about honoring OURSELVES in every aspect. Even the bright, luminous moon in the night sky has its dark sides… though by no means does it detract from the light it projects onto the whole world
“Love is what happens when we Stop trying to figure out who deserves it” ❤
"Love happens when we stop trying to figure out who deserves it." Profound.
Her voice is healing, and she really released the "me" who felt shaky with her voice omg 😂
Haven't seen a Ted this great in a while.
“Can you welcome you here?”
I'm always in my head. This was so relatable. I literally had tears in my eyes the entire time and it wasn't even sad. Lol
🤍
@@KarenFaith I've tried to understand and accept everyone my entire life. I was on drugs for close to ten years and I've been sober for a little over 2 years now but the voices in my head get a little crazy now. The fact that all I need to do is welcome people instead of trying to understand them is really comforting. I'll start trying to apply this each day as I work on positive growth. Thank you so much...more than you know.
@@codykidd2523 What you are doing for yourself is the best possible thing. That's awesome. I wish you all the best!
@@KarenFaith Thank you!
I 100% agree. I've never felt so seen.
Im the joking dad and retired Marine combined. Just so you know Ms. Faith, im in rehab and have now incorporated your self-moderation into my daily mantra, as well as the "thank you for your input,remember our agreement"
🙏
10:57 thank you for sharing 11:00 I'm going to remind you of our agreement 11:02 to be honest and reasonable
The mind is hard to understand, the human mind is so complex, thanks for the message 😊
Love doesn't care which way you come or what state you are in when you get there. I have no words. Absolutely incredibly brilliant, life changing
"Love is what happens when we stop trying to figure out who deserves it." So powerful.
Your speech was very powerful, genuine and full of heart. Thank you.
I have done so much to "heal" and looked and looked for something that even scratches the surface. THIS has really, really helped. Thank you 💓
This morning my new experience was imagining that my long breathes of exhale were filling a bubble of calm.
Ive almost always tried to be welcoming and considerate to every type of person or animal. But its always been hard to welcome my own negative thoughts. It's eye opening to see it as the same thing. As an artist it really helps to visualize it as a group of individual inputs! Thank you for that perspective!
Love is in the air, love yourself and others too
It took youtube two months of recommending this to me every single day, but I hesitated. Until today. Thank you, Karen, I needed this.
Title sparked the thought of if i cant talk to myself kindly....
This exact time last week I found myself having this talk. I gave into it, not expecting to wake up in the morning. I woke up started my week as usual but something different happened. I got back to work on the things I enjoy ,and I progressed much faster because all of me has been engaged to the process. I think it’s crazy that no matter how hard I push I can always push harder.
She was the One speaking but We felt heard. 🙏🏼
I lost my mother whom I was extraordinarily close with to suicide in 2018, although sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday still. I cannot begin to explain how much I identified with the things spoken in this video, they were words my soul needed to hear. I struggle with “beating myself up” a lot mentally. “She told me that we were never going to get better, and she wanted out of here. I asked her what I could do, she only told me she wanted to die, over and over and over”. Here’s to getting better.
As a mother, I know all your mum would want is for you to live a long & happy life. That’s all I want for my kids & all my mum ever wanted for me 🙏💕
@ 12:09 "see myself less as a fragmented mirror and more like a prism".... or maybe a kaleidoscope scope.
Love and welcome them here for just being here
I love this talk so much, after being exhausted of just giving away too much love for other people, I became dismissive of their emotions, trying to protect my peace, but the happiness and love I feel disappeared, asking where it went.. turns out it's because I stopped caring, the joy of helping someone out even in the smallest things were gone. The talk gave me comfort, Just welcome everyone unconditionally and not look for specific people to love, everyone deserves to be loved. Thanks for the comfort and security ❤️
This is one of the best Ted talks I’ve heard in my entire life. What a great speaker! She made me feel so good about me and my parts! Good reminder for me to not be rough on myself and start seeing what différents part of me are telling me and accept them as they are! ❤ that’s how the path to accepting and unconditionally loving yourself starts. Thank you
Wow! It's like she is speaking my mind, my heart and my soul. Never have I ever heard anyone describe anything so accurately it's like she is describing me but the beauty is she is describing all of us. Reminds me how we're all the same and all connected in this vast universe. Beautiful 😍✨😍🥹🥺😢
I was taught how to work with inner parts by an amazing therapist. I still have a meeting everyday with my parts & it is amazing how much wisdom they have if I only listen. CPTSD is part of my life’s journey along with the hyper vigilance which is tiring as parts are on guard for any changes in others that would signify danger. Our parts always have our back, but some of them are young and need help to devise other strategies to deal with overwhelming feelings of shame, anger and fear. This talk was so affirming. Thank you so much. It has normalised my daily practice and lived experience. The one thing that is good is that I’m never alone, there are 26 parts inside me and being with others can often be too much on top of all the voices inside. I often create voice recordings when my parts are particularly vocal, others just think I’m talking to a friend.
This stimulated my mind in a good way that is both intense and rare as i did zone out while watching recalling events with friends or even other videos i have seen ... The talks topic is so relatable i felt like i can see myself from a new perspective . Thank you for sharing these ideas in a ted talk and i wish you all the best
Accepting and not arguing with oneself. Listening and understanding should be a priority
The moderator she talks about is the Self energy that we talk about in IFS. Powerful realisation for transformation and integration ❤
Brought me to tears. Thank you.
Beautiful and I’m grateful to have found this.
I really needed to hear this right now. Lots of me's are arguing with each other right now.
I needed this so much 🥹❤
I totally get loving others before you love yourself, the way that I learned to love myself was I gave empathy to others and then one day it occurred to me. Why am I not willing to do that for myself?
Wow! That’s one of the best Teds ever. Your definition of love X deserve… that’s what changed my mind one year ago, and them I started a true love relationship with my boyfriend!
Oh my!!! You just described me perfectly!!! I have never been able to understand my CPSTD and all the voices that tell me who I am and am not...thank you for speaking my language...I hope one day I feel welcome to welcome me...
This was deeply pertinent for me right now. Thank you, for taking the constituent parts of your experience, and knitting them together in such a way as to shift my, and I'm sure others' as well, paradigm.
I was touched. Thanks Karen💖!
Karens usually call the manager to complain but YOU KAREN TOUCHED MY HEART AND I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS. Sending you so much love for sharing and being yourself
The most moving Ted Talk I’ve ever watched 🙏🏽
Setting boundaries with yourself is one of the hardest things to do And I think I need to remind myself of this, constantly
Wow, I feel so loved and held by this talk. Thank you
That's really deep, I hope we all reach to this state of welcoming us and others.
Loving someone in my life is really hard, but once without thinking I sat next to that person and was surprised I actually did that and didn't care if it was them or some other person. Love really is universal.
One of the best Ted Talks Ive ever heard
This was beautiful and much needed. Thank you
Everything she said resonated so deeply, I’m so grateful to her for this. Very beautiful and I cried at the end. I would love to have a conversation with her. The concept of unconditional welcome reminded me of a quote by the wonderful Ram Dass: “We’re all just walking each other home”
She made me cry, she might just change my life
One of the best TedTalks I watched! Tks!
The best, TEDTalk I’ve seen in a very long time!
Brilliant! Thank you. My inner voices need to hear this over and over. Best of 2022 Ted
I came across this video just at the right time and it literally changed my life. She did something that most therapist have difficulty in doing in just 15 minutes. An eye-opening, inspirational talk. Thank you Karen!
SAME.
Thank you very much for this sincerity and depth!.. This talk made me cry several times... thank you
The crazy part is one me told me not to silence them but to understand their point of view because they just wanted to exist.
Thanks to her. I really wanted to hear this❤️
Thank you so much for saying what you said. I have never been able to put it into words. Glad to know we are on the same boat. Sending lots of love and prayers