How to recognize perfectly hidden depression | Margaret Rutherford | TEDxBocaRaton
When we deny the existence of deep despair and loneliness created by the painful secrets of our past, we can create a camouflage of “perfect” normalcy - or what’s been termed perfectly hidden depression. What if we could create a culture where revealing these feelings, even darker thoughts of suicide, wasn’t deemed shameful or labeled as pathological, but instead was understood as a sign of trust and a step toward healing? Dr. Margaret Rutherford, a therapist for over thirty years, shares how fostering and modeling deeper transparency can both improve and save lives. Margaret Robinson Rutherford Ph.D., a clinical psychologist with thirty years of experience, is also an author and podcaster. Her book, Perfectly Hidden Depression: How to Break Free from the Perfectionism That Masks Your Depression, has reached thousands here in the US, as well as having an international impact, with translations reaching from Korea to Italy, Turkey to Germany. Her highly popular podcast, The SelfWork Podcast, has been continuously rated as one of the best podcasts for mental health and depression. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
Sometimes people get so good at hiding it they're even hiding it from themselves.
Exactly. Except it’s not gone. And can still have a destructive impact.
Sometimes hiding feelings isn’t intentional. Some of us betray themselves too, because we never learn to express ourselves while growing up.
Or weren't allowed thanks to naracasistic mom
Yeah true, I could not define what I really like or want until late 20s. Had to do something better for future me
Mental health is complex. It's not just about hiding feelings; sometimes, people genuinely don't understand what they're going through.
I very much agree that a protective process can become unconscious and thus, the person has very little true understanding of what’s happening or why. Which can make it all the more dangerous. Thank you for your comment John.
This is an interesting point and probably quite true for all the people who are taught to suppress their emotions
Many traumatic childhoods lead to dissociation, what per se make the entire understanding and acknowledging of emotions hard. I'm one of those kind of people, and I can say that after many years fleeing from the sadness and uncomfortable feelings, I got pretty good at not being aware of any feeling, while simultaneously suffering deep within.
This comment really resonates, thanks for putting it so clearly. I was told I had a mild depression even when I was able to admit that I dealt with suicidal thoughts and letting that guide me when I was really tired 😅. Though I do remember the masking even when in therapy, not deliberately but due to feeling so ashamed and also 'bad' that I was making people worried even though I was functioning like normal
I don't think the world is ready to acknowledge just how large of a pain scale we are all on
Yep, true. Witnessing people here in comments already opens the tiny light.
Yes. We all need a savior.
Is it bad of me to say that it's a little comforting to know so many other people are feeling this way?
Not at all. You are not alone.😊
It’s not bad. We’re all looking for you too and feel relief. Thank you for sharing this emotional weird trauma with us. ❤
Not at all. No one wants to suffer alone 😔
No, not bad but rather strange, in my opinion. It was/is never comforting to me to know that other people are going through similar or even bigger pain
So many of us have that feeling at some time or the other. 😬😉😇
People at work would be shocked how I constantly think about suicide. I’m successful and respected. Always have a smile on my face and help others. When I’m not at work, I almost never leave my bed and sleep ALL THE TIME. I really think they’d be surprised.
Please get help ❤
Reach out now…soon…to a professional and begin to reveal yourself to another’s ears. The thoughts going around and around on a hamster wheel will keep you stuck in no man’s land. Your willingness to use your mouth and begin processing to another those thoughts will be your way out. It might take a long time but the way things are now it will be the best time you will ever spend…it is freedom to live a life, not pain free but with the tools to cope with life’s challenges. You are smart, but now you must be wise and speak your feelings to another…trust and broaden your understanding of yourself. You are worthy, now damn it…get going! Love and hugs always…
You are far from alone. Having compassion and understanding of how it became vital to armor yourself with looking successful is so very important. I hope you'll allow this first step to speak your truth to become one of many. Please take care.
Please get help as soon as possible
I completely understand. Same.
We hide these feelings because we are told we are “too dramatic”, or “you have nothing to be depressed about”, etc. After a while, we shut down.
Absolutely true. I have gotten this mostly from family. They have no clue. But I don’t share with them anymore. I know the people that have my back and truly love me unconditionally
Let your instinct flow into you if your really comfortable with someone. What you see to them in your first meet is what you’ll see throughout.
I did that. Hide it well. Functional depression. Untill l surrendered and got honest. I got help. Mentioned the dreaded word...l have depression and have had all my life. I was the smiler. Then the trauma healing began. In gratitude.
I'm so appreciative of you sharing your story. Here. In the open. You have no idea how many you might help. And of course.. you're welcome.
For what it’s worth, you DID listen to your gut. You DID take action. You DID save Natalie’s life. I know it’s human nature to beat yourself up over the what-ifs, but you did EVERYTHING right. You are the therapist we all need ❤
What a kind thing to say. Thank you.
Someone suicidal will not let it show if they're planning to end their life because they don't want to alarm anyone who could try to stop them. If someone shows they need help, that's exactly what it is: they're not yet at that point of putting a plan into action to die; they are asking for help. It's not complicated. People who erase themselves from the social environment are slowly trying to not be missed, eventually. It's gradual sometimes. If psych professionals understand this, they'll be more likely to help.
Treating suicidal feelings as normal feelings is a game-changer. It's about destigmatizing these emotions and creating a space for open dialogue, I am all for this.
💯💯💯
We can all …so that “Transparency is seen as strength”…imagine the power this inner emancipation would have on a communal, societal level. Thank you for this video❤
The part about perfectionism alongside depression is just... so accurate.
Absolutely. That part hit home pretty hard.
I can't imagine how difficult those two things together would be
@@aldennoname Very difficult..
Thank you to so many who've left comments and ideas and thoughts. I'm very grateful for the feedback and the community of thought.
This is exactly what i am concerned about . Not everything can be theorized , as the symptoms a person is experiencing are complex and layered in nature. As someone who will be a psychologist too in some years , I fear diagnosing my patients with the wrong mental illness..... Also , as you ended by saying you had a tear in your eye when he walked into the room smiling!! Can't wait to see my patients do that ❤🎉 Thank you so much for such an insightful talk .
Retired firefighter. Hid it for 40 years. A life lived in grayness. Ssri’s you name them. I recently started low dose ketamine. I feel much better. Keep research going for us
@@BEC4life10 I've been collaborating with clinicians and authors who've worked with first responders and know that this is huge in those fields. I'm so glad you've found relief and thank you for sharing your experience.
Improving slightly each week
thank you, I needed to see and hear this...
The part about depression looking different when its coupled with perfectionism really blew me away... even though depression is so common it makes sense that experiencing it would still be unique to the person, based on who they already are and how they deal with things. Makes sense that for some people you'd never be able to tell.
One thing I learned : one who understands depression is the one who have faced it and feel it by own personally. Most difficult phase is when one want to express about the same but don't have anybody to talk, to discuss and to understand. Thank you for sharing this.
True 👍
Yes you're right. Because i experienced this and i very thankful and blessed because God never Leave me.
And worse still, am even feeling like even when I talk to God, it's like he is not listening at all 😢 I have no one to talk talk and it's killing me inside
Just having one person acknowledge your suffering and experiences helps validate your experience. My current therapist wanted me to do something else but I could never figure out what she wanted me to do.
I don't share difficult feelings because most people jump into *I can fix you* mode which only makes me feel worse. It was a pivotal moment for me when, after i shared something painful with my therapist he responded " this belief must have been very difficult to carry. Most of us never have our deeply held beliefs honored. I will always try to honor and understand your beliefs "❤
it's so frustrating when you cant talk about problems and feeling without having people (specialy parents) tell you "just do this or that..." What i found helpful is to say straight "i dont want you to find me a solution, i just want you to ackowledge my feelings, my pain, my struggles..." It helps a lot, but some people still cannot do that, and that sadly, i think we must accept that some people we really love and care about simply cannot always understand or support us. Glad you could find a therapis who could give you that compassionate and respectuous hearing
Yes when I tell my boyfriend about my PTSD, he tries to fix my problems and that's not what I'm asking for. In fact I'm not asking for anything. Sometimes I just need to talk about how I feel.
You don't need fixing. There's nothing wrong with you. Wrong things happened to you. ❤🎉
The thing that gets me is well-meaning friends constantly asking "How are you feeling now/today?", as if I can answer this; as if my depression has changed since yesterday, or the last two weeks, or the last 6 months. I have to ignore them. It seems ungrateful but I can't answer them. I can't say how awful the same awfulness is day after day.
My sister has been saying for a long time that we could see a shift in the way mental health was treated if we were just a bit more transparent about how it actually FEELS instead of trying shift those feels into something considered more "positive". This is a fantastic talk Dr Rutherford!!
Thank you so much for listening. Your sister and I couldn't agree more...
I’m trying not to sabotage my self. I’m learning to take deep even breaths and sometimes sit on my hands because this too shall pass.
When I started talking about depression and suicidal thoughts online, I would just barely mention the issue before darting away. I was so afraid to admit that I thought about such things. Then my son took his own life. It's still not easy-peasy to write about those thoughts and feelings. But I understand, as the speaker here says, we have to accept that it's a common thing. Don't be ashamed or think you're the only one--you're really not.
Of course it's not easy. Thank you for talking about your son and his death by suicide. I'm grateful to have you a part of this discussion.
In my opinion, Margaret's story about Natalie really hits home. It's a reminder that we often hide our struggles behind a facade of success, and that can have serious consequences.
Absolutely. That story was heart-wrenching
Margaret's concept of "perfectly hidden depression" shines a light on the importance of understanding the complexity of mental health. It's a nuanced perspective.
Thank you Regina for your support and comment.
I first had depression about 3 yrs after death of our son. My husband was very ill. My mother was having 2nd surgery for cancer that returned. My father was having sm heart attacks. My sleep got down to 2 hrs a day. My worst nightmare was all 3 going into hospital at same time and all dying. They did all go to hosp from Sun night to Tues. Mom died. Father went home. Husband came home. I saw doctor. I had depression! My parents thought depressed people were weak and did not discuss subject at all. Like it was leprosy or VD. Since then I have had recurrences. I kept going to see a kind, quiet psychiatrist. Some did not think much of that. I now talk openly about this. People need help, not condemnation.
Sorry for your loss. I totally agree with you 🤍
I've literally never thought that perfectionism might be masking something deeper. It's a pretty interesting thought.
You never realized perfectionism is a serious mental health issue until just now?? Do you also believe smoking crack is healthy?
Perfectionism has been thought of a reflection of anxiety much more than depression. So there are many who are surprised at this thought.
Perfectionism can be debilitating. It feeds my anxiety/depression constantly. "I can't do it perfectly, so how/why can I do it at all."
@@missd369I feel exactly the same, I think the root is possibly because I was celebrated for my academic achievements when I was little and it made me only associate love with doing well so I became anxious about being perfect all the time then beat myself up when I was just ‘average’ and saw it as shame and complete failure. I eventually became terrified of trying at all in case I fell short and it’s had a hold of me for decades, I don’t know how to fight it when it feels like it’s hardwired.
I find Margaret's idea of "perfectly hidden depression" intriguing. It's a reminder that appearances can be deceiving, and we should try to be more attuned to each other's emotional well-being, especially those we care about
Margaret's story of Michael shows that even successful people can carry hidden pain. It's a lesson in not judging someone's well-being solely based on appearances.
I've seen it over and over. There's no telling how many people there are who "seem" fine. Thank you so much for commenting.
This isn't the first I've heard with people struggling with how the medical model of mental illness is presented and taught. It's a wake-up call to look beyond checklists and truly connect with people's feelings.
Yes!
I hate checklists
Glad to have gotten to this video. Told my husband how I'm really feeling with having suicidal thoughts. He understood. It was amazing to hear him care for me.
I cannot tell you how happy I am for you and your husband. Thank you for letting me and so many others hear this part of your story and your life.
Yes! It makes all the difference.
Thank you Dr. Rutherford. This is an insightful dissection of hidden depression. I've been a psychiatric nurse for 40 yrs, and have never heard the silent struggle brought to light so clearly. So many people need to hear this message. If we could all offer a smile, and an ear, to each other, it might make a difference to someone in need. Blessings to you and your team.
I'm sure you have seen this over and over and am honored by your words. Thank you so much (And I do have a wonderful team!).
It’s true many of us feel this way. I usually feel different tomorrow so if I can stay distracted by anything until I’m tired enough to sleep, I have a new day and hope the sun is warm on me tomorrow
@@colleenwisch3497 Thank you for your comment Colleen. It's true that if we can get through to 'tomorrow', we have hope for a new day. I have found select music, a walk with Mother Nature through the seasons, and a shared cup of tea with a neighbour or a coworker can make a difference, for them and for myself. Making plans for a 'tomorrow activity' can give us all something to look forward to and a reason to get out of bed. Blessings to you and yours. Enjoy a cuppa tea while you commune with nature. Planting a garden, no matter how small, means we have hope for the future. Gardening is therapy. 🌷
I resonate with the idea of 'perfectly hidden depression.' It's a reminder that appearances can be deceiving, and we need to cultivate a supportive environment where people can safely share their struggles.
I so agree. I've grown a much greater awareness of what "seems" and distinguish it from what likely "is." Thank you for commenting.
I only recently realized I was still depressed, but I told everyone life was going great. It wasn’t until everything got so bad that I told my mother that I realized how dire my situation was. I had gotten used to the thoughts telling me that ending my life would solve my problems. But apparently having those thoughts is not normal, so I’ve sought help and finally getting treatment.
Natalie's silent struggles are a stark reminder that we might not really know the people around us. It's time to pay attention.
I never learned how to express myself and express my feelings, and it has taken it's toll because now I have to deal with anxiety and depression. And being unable to go out and socialize with people and feel good about it as well. 😬😅
I feel like Margaret's experience with Michael does really well to show that sometimes the strongest people are the ones who've faced the darkest struggles. It's a reminder to be compassionate and understanding. I know a lot of people say this but it really rings true here - you never know what someone has gone through, or is still going through.
It's obvious from this that shame and silence only make things worse, and that we need to create safe spaces for healing.
Wow, Margaret's talk shook me. It's scary to think that someone could be suffering so much internally while appearing completely fine on the outside.
I would really love for these conversations to also include discussions on how we can improve whatever it is causing us all to be so depressed!
Bearing your pain alone.
We need connection and a social safety net. But nobody wants to do anything about that. Tell them it's a chemical imbalance and give them a pill.
Generally a sane reaction to an insane world
We are all depressed because we work all day and achieve nothing. We do not spend enough time in nature. We lost touch and connection to other humans. We do not work out enough. We do not feel valued because we add no value to society, society tells us we are replacable. We are consumers who numb the true issues with buying things, having things, needing things, filling life with things. Internet, Laptops, Social Media and Mobile Phones are the doom of mankind.
Thank you for this video. I almost feel I could send it to my therapist to prime them so they dont send me away!Sometimes, professionals don't feel like a safe space. I always believed they would 5150 me if I answered truthfully to "Any thoughts of harming yourself or others?" It is such a perfunctory question. It doesn't invite openness. If only therapists started with saying it is normal and then ask their patient how often it happens to them. That would be a much better question, much less cold and threatening.
I am so honored to know you and to have worked with you, Dr. Rutherford. This work is life-saving and it is my hope that we continue to reframe how we diagnose and treat these disorders.
I think Margaret's talk urges us to look beyond the surface and truly listen to what others are saying. Let's create an environment where sharing pain is welcomed and supported.
Yes, I think if we learn to see beyond what people are letting on and encourage them to talk about what's really going on, it teaches them it's okay to just talk about that stuff
Absolutely, listening and being able to tell when someone needs a little extra push to talk about things
I appreciate Margarets call to approach suicidal feelings with acceptance and understanding. It's essential to let people know they're not alone and that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Absolutely, well past time for this kind of reframe
I agree but what if you genuinely can't relate? If you don't understand what they're going through? It can be hard to just fake it through a conversation like that
@@mikethesailor Hi Mike. You can simply ask them to explain to you what those feelings are like to have. You don't have to have had them yourself. Great question.
@@mikethesailor This is such a good question. Best not to try and fake it, like Margaret says, I think it's okay to just ask them to elaborate.
Absolutely. I don't know where we got it all so backwards.
What Margaret says about understanding the perception of oneself and their world is really interesting. Mental health is complex and shouldn't be reduced to a checklist of symptoms the way our physical health is.
Absolutely. I guess it's important to think about how you're showing up in the world?
Honestly I'm not 100% sure about what she means but it made me think!
To me, Margaret's message is clear: we need to change the way we approach mental health. It's time to break the stigma and have open conversations about our struggles. The more candid we are with one another the more it encourages all of those feelings and opinions around it to shift into more positive territory.
One of the things people tell me (and thanks so much for commenting) is about my own panic disorder. Rather than getting the response that I might've feared, people say they appreciate my own transparency. I hope I'm modeling that for them.. I think AA calls it, "If you talk the talk, then you gotta walk the walk. "
Yeah, absolutely. The 3:47 mark, where she says "can you imagine a world where talking about these secrets is not shameful?" honestly made me teary.
Yes I agree! That was the thing that stood out for me as well
As someone who’s dealt with depression I so much so appreciate Dr. Margaret’s advice and guidance around this topic. How many of us are blamed for how we feel? We need more conversations like this 🙌🏾
The story about Natalie's hidden struggles really touched me. It reminds us that behind a seemingly perfect life, there can be immense pain. We need to look beyond appearances and offer support to those who are suffering silently
Yeah, I think it's important to be compassionate and kind to everyone, not just because they may be going through something but because all humans deserve that level of respect.
😮
Absolutely. Not enough people want to give it though@@mikethesailor
Oddly you inspired me to continue writing my dad's eulogy - I grew up in a highly toxic, dysfunctional childhood and am a high functioning individual who broke into depression after my 2nd miscarriage. Thankfully my dad is still alive and has become a better human, and I'm thankful to have the time while he is alive to write about who he is with a more poignant perspective. Im okay now but damaged. My daily expressions of gratitude help to keep me more positive. Thank you for caring!!!
I think Margaret's talk underscores the fact that we need to be better at recognizing signs of pain in those around us. Let's be more aware and supportive.
Dr. Rutherford went viral because we needed to hear her message being delivered by her very self. What a beautiful delivery!
This lecture affected on me so hard, would you know. Thanks to that woman, I've realized that I'm one of with hidden depression. Being ashamed of your problem, because "oh, you have lovely family and many friends, how can you have suicidal thoughts? ", it's very difficult, I understand every of you. I'm afraid that I'm not thankful enough to my parents. I'm afraid that if I tell them about my problems again, they will say that they gave everything they could to me and that's how you treat your parents? Oh, that a shame. I'm really struggling with those thought's. But I've been hidden them, even of myself. And that's, really really, difficult for me.. Thank to that lady, I'm so grateful that I've listened this lecture. Good luck to everyone, who's dealing with that problem too. We can handle that, I'm sure.
I'd invite you to look into more of my writing and talking about this since you identify with it so strongly. And you're more than welcome. There are many people who feel exactly the way you do.
Hidden pain is a real struggle for many. This really highlights the importance of acknowledging and supporting those who may be silently suffering.
Definitely, and understanding that it's probably a lot more people than we realize that are suffering
One of the healthiest coping techniques I've learned is practicing mindfulness meditation in silence every day - either sitting on the floor in a chair sometimes, or even walking. Silence (especially being in nature) is a huge help. The book "30 Days to Reduce Depression" by Harper Daniels offers some cool mindfulness meditation exercises. Learning to observe my thoughts and enjoying moments of solitude were game changers.
I so agree. I don't know that book but will look at it. Mindfulness can help you "note" what you're feeling but not get quite so absorbed by it.
This is beautiful. There is so much stigma, so much shame preventing or shutting down what could be life-saving conversations. Thank you for opening up an important discussion around this with your TED Talk, Dr. Rutherford.
This message has been my honor and passion for the last decade. You’re so very welcome.
I’ve been dealing with these secrets for years now. I’ve had therapy and medicine, but I stopped taking my pills because I didn’t really feel a change, but I have these time periods were everything just seems fine and other where oh god I wish I stopped breathing. I’d like to talk about that with someone without being judged and just acknowledged. Wish some day I could be more acceptant towards my own feelings.
I never realized how important it is to address our secret feelings. It's true that denying their existence can lead to despair and hopelessness. We should create a culture where it's okay to express vulnerability and seek help
Dr. Margaret is a pioneer in our industry. This topic is SO important - Bless her for shedding light.
So true, there were a lot of interesting points here, will definitely be sharing
Dr. Rutherford, what a beautiful talk. I watched it several times. We can all learn to recognize the signs and be ready to support those who might be silently struggling. This TEDx talk is a powerful reminder to be more attentive to the people around us, listen beyond the surface, and offer support without judgment. Together, we can break mental health stigma and create a more compassionate and understanding society.
Thank you for such kind words. I couldn't agree with you more. And I know (because so many people have reached out to me) that this kind of transparency terrifies some people who have no history with safety, the emotional kind. If we can create more of that in our culture... it would be phenomenal. Sounds like you've had your own journey with finding "complicated courage."
Exactly! My young family member is prone to depression but its not ok to talk about it as far as some other family members are concerned. They can't deal with the burden of too much stress or negativity which I can understand because I can't either. If I tried to confront someone about it they would say well this is not our problem it's yours. I can understand why people want to hide what is going on in their heads until they can't stand it any longer. Unfortunately, this pain is something that some people feel they can only resolve by attempting and sometimes succeeding at suicide. It is a tormenting condition to live with.
Her message about changing our culture's perception of transparency as strength really resonate with me. It's time to shift our mindset and support each other in our struggles.
Sydney Blatt's insight on perfectionism altering depression is intriguing. It adds a layer of complexity to how we understand mental health.
Margaret's talk prompts us to reflect on our own reactions when someone shares their struggles. Let's replace judgment with compassion and offer a listening ear.
truth!
Imagine a world where expressing our deepest pains is seen as an act of courage and strength. I think that's a vision worth striving for.
It's so true that we're governed by diagnostic criteria, and that can cause us to miss signs of hidden pain. I think Margaret's talk encourages us to look beyond those labels and recognize we're all human and susceptible to all the emotions that come with that
This is why I like poly-vagal theory and ideas of nervous system dysregulation - it's a normal response in the mind-body-self to shut down in the face of overwhelming threat. Depression can be the emotional version of that. Teaching people about normal human emotional and physical survival responses, and how you can get stuck in them, really helps take away some of the burden and open up pathways forward into safety, ease and healing. Specifically not showing pain and weakness can also be a stuck threat response, stemming from early experiences where expression simply felt too unsafe and disruptive to your bond with your care-givers, at an age for you when they were absolutely needed to stay alive. Compassionate acceptance is needed for this as well, social safety. When you can feel safe (in your own body sensations and perceptions, and safety in relationship to others) it is much easier to be more open with others and process what needs to processed.
I need to learn more about poly-vagal research and findings. Your comment has definitely encouraged me to do just that. Thank you Lily.
It's such an important topic. I feel like depression is something that's really normalised in online spaces, but still absolutely terrifying to talk about in real life. There's a sense of shame. Especially when your life is objectively "good" in many ways, and you wonder why you can't just get over it. You think to yourself that your struggles aren't as bad as others, that you have nothing to complain about, and you don't want to burden anyone with it when they have their own things going on. But retreating into yourself just makes it all pile up :(
I think it comes from practice... even though it's awful to think about it like that but I just mean that first conversation IRL is really tough of course but once you've done it it does get easier and easier.
Be open to people that you seem to be sure about it. Be careful always
I wonder if we can learn to see vulnerability as strength, just like Margaret suggests. It's time to reframe our perspective on sharing our struggles.
Psych-ache describes the pain, the ache, so well.
Such an important message from a compassionate and experienced clinical psychologist. Kudos, Margaret. You did a fabulous job.
Thank you so much Cathy. That's high praise from someone like you.
Thank you so much Dr.Margaret.....very insightful.
Wow, this talk really hit home for me. I've struggled with anxiety, and it's refreshing to hear someone acknowledge that not everything in life is perfect. We need more open discussions about mental health.
I can relate to the point point about the instinct to judge when someone opens up about suicidal thoughts. It's essential to approach these conversations with empathy and understanding.
Michael's journey from self-loathing to self-compassion is a testament to the strength found in embracing vulnerability.
What a powerful talk- and one so many can relate to. There is no shame in asking for help. I remember your blog post from years ago and it was powerful- as is your book.
Profound exploration of how so many carry pain alone and hide it from themselves and others. Thank you Dr. Rutherford, for your work on "perfectly hidden depression.
I found it very enlightening as well!
Thankyou for caring about people whom suffer from suicidal ideation. Judgement creates shame and a silent suffering. Being non-judgemental and listening offers an opportunity for one to be heard and provides hope. Hope can save lives.
What an incredible talk, Dr. Margaret! I'm elated you bring forward this issue. Embracing our shadow is the key to healing. Pretending to be half of who we are wreaks havoc inside us. We must tear down oppressive constructs that shame us into hiding thoughts we don't control. We are not our thoughts. We all deserve to bring our whole selves forward. We are all lovable. Bless you
The call for transparency and acceptance is powerful. We need to create an environment where people feel comfortable sharing their pain without fear of judgment.
I was touched by Margaret's story of Michael's journey. It shows that seeking help and being vulnerable can lead to healing and growth.
Fully. I think most growth comes from being vulnerable.
This talk made me realize how often we underestimate the pain someone might be going through behind closed doors.
2:51 This line is so powerful.
Changing the culture starts with us as individuals. It's about being more open, more understanding, and breaking down judgmental barriers.
WOW!!!! Thank you so much! Very true! We have to spread it! We are humans and we feel pain. And when pain is too strong we wanne give up. It seems to be more understandable to feel physical pain and want your life to end than psychological pain. Same brainareas are at work. It's time to accept and find ways and tools to stop the pain. Understanding our emotional body better. Accepting it for what it is and how it works and what it needs to feel good or at least better. And perfectionalism yesssss absolutly! Thank you so much!
thank you for the powerful talk
There is such power in acknowledging pain and working through it. Her approach focuses on understanding the individual rather than fitting them into predefined boxes.
I was moved by Margaret's message about the importance of expressing feelings. It's a reminder that we all have our battles, and it's okay to share them.
Michael's recognition of patterns in his struggles is relatable. It prompts us to reflect on our own journeys and the patterns we might be repeating.
This talk opened my eyes to the hidden pain many people carry. We must strive to create an environment where sharing our struggles is not only accepted but encouraged.
I think just knowing how many people experience this is a way of getting people to start talking about it more.
I hope more people understood this message. However, learning this of myself and working on my own perspective of perfectly hidden depression has been a life-changing aid in how I see my own struggles. Although I have never met Dr. Rutherford in person, her work is continually saving my life and how I see myself, my struggles, and my emotions. Thank you for sharing
Sydnee how kind. I'm glad we found each other.
Michael's story brought tears of joy. After surviving a childhood of abuse his recovery gives hope for those of us in a similar situation.
Such an enlightened and hopeful talk, Dr. Rutherford! It's the stigma and shame, even in my own family, that I keep my depression secret. I am 67 now, having suffered with depression since i was 12 or 13, that I'm finally addressing my adoption wounds, abuse from my adopted, alcoholic mom, my narcissist husband of 13 years and the shame of my own children. Hopefully, people will begin to understand the pain some of us have to conceal due to the stigma. Thank you for your Ted talk.
I hope youre ok
The pain. I have experienced it. Thank you for understanding.
The emphasis on transparency resonates with me. We should encourage each other to open up and seek help when we need it.
I also think it’s important to teach therapy patients about the process & what to expect, & to make sure they want the kind of treatment a particular therapist commonly gives. If there had been benchmarks to follow, maybe it wouldn’t have taken 20 years to find the right therapist for me. And yeah therapists should explain the circumstances that would make them perform a wellness check/initiate a psychiatric hold since that threatens our income and thus our jobs and homes. How can we be honest when the consequences of a mis-step are this severe?
This is so on point 👏👏
Such an important talk! Margaret, the story of Natalie gave me goosebumps. The psych-ache and feelings of shame, the association with perfectionism … this all makes sense. I thank you for bringing all of this to light - and I hope it changes the conversation in many families and social groups.
I like that the talk challenges us to see beyond the surface. There's often so much happening with people behind the scenes.
I enjoyed this very much. She is a great speaker.
The idea of shifting our culture's perspective on mental health is bold. It challenges us to reconsider what's normal which can be really difficult but worth it in the end.
The number of times I’ve been told by professionals that we could end sessions because I sounded like I didn’t need help anymore… while I was screaming ‘NO I’m not’ inside, I couldn’t help but think… they must be right, they’re the professional, I must be exaggerating. It could’ve spared me a lot of deep dark times if only one of them had catched on to the facade I didn’t even know I was making. Thank you for bringing attention to this 🙏🏼
This is really interesting... what do you think made you not speak up? Was it purely just because you thought of them as knowing best?
@@EverDragMedia yes my trust in my own gut was very thin because of how used I was to people pleasing and masking. If you always talk yourself into the truth of someone else, you disconnect from your own truth. Together with the ‘hierarchy’ of a professional I would believe they knew better than I did. Only after the fourth time this happened I vocalized this screaming no inside me and I got the help I needed.
These are definitely the kinds of talks we need to be having then!
thank you so much for that