How To SPOT A Narcissist When DATING! (Watch Out For This)| Ramani Durvasula & Lewis Howes
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Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a licensed clinical psychologist in Los Angeles, CA and Professor of Psychology at California State University, Los Angeles, and the Founder and CEO of LUNA Education, Training & Consulting, a company that offers a range of programs focused on educating survivors, clinicians, coaches and businesses on the impacts of narcissism on health, wellness and functioning. She takes on entitlement and incivility in “Don’t You Know Who I Am”: How to Stay Sane in the Era of Narcissism, Entitlement and Incivility.
She is the author of the modern relationship survival manual Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist, and of You Are WHY You Eat: Change Your Food Attitude, Change Your Life. She also has a popular KZhead channel that focuses on narcissism and difficult relationships. The focus of Dr. Durvasula’s clinical, academic and consultative work is the etiology and impact of narcissism and high-conflict, entitled, antagonistic personality styles on human relationships, mental health, and societal expectations.
Her work has been featured at SxSW, TEDx, and on a wide range of media platforms including Red Table Talk, the Today Show, Oxygen, Investigation Discovery, Bravo, and she is a featured expert on the digital media mental health platform MedCircle. Dr. Durvasula’s research on personality disorders has been funded by the National Institutes of Health and she is a Consulting Editor of the scientific journal Behavioral Medicine. Dr. Durvasula is an honest, authentic, and brutally honest voice on the struggles raised by narcissism in the US and globally.
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If you’re ready to learn how to identify a narcissist, to learn valuable techniques that will help your love life across the board, and more, then this episode is for you! Now, let’s jump into Episode 1,195 with Dr. Ramani.
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One thing I learned about dealing with a narcissist is how to let go of my ego. I don’t need to have the last word, prove I’m right, nor get revenge. I’m strong enough to walk away from a fight and I’m not responsible for changing anyone but myself.
I can totally relate to you. I've used the ridiculous behaviour of my ex(narc) to train myself to keep my ego small. It backfired and resulted in staying way too lang in the relationship. Now I'm out, I start to recognize who I am by knowing what I'm not (ego).
@@joan3828 that is great . Gaslighting led to my epiphany. Constantly feeling like I needed to defend myself was tedious and exasperating; so I stopped doing it. I know who I am and behave conscientiously as a result. It's pointless trying to convince someone their narrative is inaccurate if actual reality didn't convince them.
Yep! I truly learned how not to "take the bait" or get defensive. Also learned how to deal with "toddlers" who play the silent treatment game.
I think I used to prefer the drama over the silent treatment. Drama meant some kind of "contact" as opposed to being non existent.
So true Alexis!
Thank you, Lewis for having me on your podcast! It was a pleasure having this conversation with you!
Thank you for all your hard work, knowledge, and sharing with us Dr. Ramani! You are a true gift to humanity and I am overjoyed to see you across more and more platforms! XOXO
Amazing and enlightening talk. Thank you both...
This lady needs to start wearing a cape. She is a goddamn hero!
LOVE DR. RAMANI !!!!!! What an inspiration of a woman!!!!!!!!!
Great interview Dr.Ramani! Have you seen "The Psych Next Door"? I feel like its a case study in narcissistic abuse. Could you do a video on your thoughts about that show sometime?
“You can't force someone to respect you, but you can refuse to be disrespected.” “You will never really see how toxic someone is until you breathe fresher air.” “Stay away from people who can't take responsibility for their actions and who make you feel bad for being angry at them when they do you wrong.”✨☘️🙏
Amen! Your comment nailed it! Thanks.❤
@@karistone1297 Thank you dear Kari Stone, for your beautiful brilliant comment Sincerely hope lifes treating you extremely kindly these times ✨☘️🙏
Yes!! You pinpointed what I always say about expectations vs boundaries!
Absolutely. When I escaped from my narc gf I thought I was a monster despite friends who've known me for 20 years and more and my parents all of them saying otherwise. But I was gaslighted so much that's what I believed! I found a share house, moved in and kept to myself, but the guys and gals in the house were normal and soon I realized I was normal (not perfect or without faults, but not a monster), and like you said, it was suddenly like breathing fresh, crisp, cool mountain air and feeling alive once more. I still recall that moment clearly when the realization hit me and I felt I could breath again.
@@MikeWhiskyTango wishing you every happiness when you find the person who really deserves YOU! You are worthy!❤️
I had a moment of feeling lonely last night after a recent break up with narcissist. All of a sudden, the revelation hit me: I was alone when he was here! The person I imagined in my head, NEVER showed up. Every red flag proved that I was like a book he bought, put me on his shelf (for bragging rights) and then proceeded out the door..to buy another book! I never had someone walking alongside me. He was out the door, as soon as I walked in! Sad...but the complete TRUTH! If you are in a relationship with a narcissist - you are essentially alone. Whatever you need or desire - that person does not have it. And what's more important - they are not interested at all, that your needs/desires are met. This is not to make you bitter - it is to make you aware! Most of the things you are looking for - can be found on the inside of YOU!
Total truth. I felt alone in my relationship with my narc. She was never on my team - always antagonistic instead of cooperative. Always had one foot in the door, and one foot out. I fell in love with an illusion.
yes totally alone .
I don’t think they even realize you have needs not being met. They don’t see you or your problems. They only see themselves and their needs.
@@ponygirl9831 yes I have experienced this . I mention my needs not being met and she took offense immediately i stead of asking me to talk about it. She then made up stuff that was demeaning saying I meant sexual needs which was bad , and those were not the needs I was talking about .
True innocents don't usually have the wherewithal to know that they are in a relationship with a narcissist. Extreme narcissists tend not to be very successful because nobody can abide their company. They are self-centred, vain, two-faced, manipulative, negative, petty, always playing the victim, constantly complaining, and love to gossip and put other people down they are jealous of. Their empathy tends to be emotive and directed towards sentimental things such as a small furry animal. They look up to celebrities and royalty but lack empathy towards those deemed low status. Narcissists tend not to abide each other's company and don't make good team players. Vanity and narcissism are usually regarded as feminine traits however.
"Communicating with a narcissist is impossible, is like screaming into an abyss." 💯
DEEP..I love it. Don't defend, don't explain, don't engage, don't personalize.
Yep
A brick wall, pulling teeth
True. What a relationship if we can’t communicate?
Literally!! I am such a reasonable person, when I talk to these people, to get through I raise my voice, and they say, oh, all you do is scream. You cannot have a conversation with them!!
If you feel attracted to a narcissist, it's a sign to love yourself more💖
Thanks 😊
@Spark - You are probably an empath or codependent. I was both.
I appreciate that comment
Wow. Thats powerful
100%
Oh wow, communicating with a narcissist is impossible. It is like talking into an abyss. Lots of stonewalling when they don't like what they hear.
Yes!
Aint that the truth!!
so true xoxo
I swear you would receive a better feedback from an abyss… the most hellish conversations I’ve ever had in my life were with my ex narc boyfriend. I remember one day, I told him the following: “I love you, I want a life together with you. If we fight we can have a beautiful life together…” His reply? “YOU want to oush me away right? You are working hard to push me away and FIGHT with me, this is clearly not working with YOU ALWAYS MAKING PROBLEMS…”
@@princessirulancorrino4695 they are NEVER responding to anything you say. They are masters at switching the topic to whatever they wanted to talk or complain about in the first place. It does not matter where the conversation started. It always ended up the same place.
I typed this list as was so interesting. Non-Narcissists qualities are: 1. Empathy 2. Kindness 3. Respect 4. Flexibility 5. Self-Awareness 6. The capacity the reflect on their impact on other people 7. Emotional Regulation / Managing negative states ie frustration and disappointments 8. Genuine Curiosity about others 9. Setting Goals from an internal space - rather than what they think the World expects of them 10. Have strong sense of Identity 11. sense of who they are 12. Having solid sense of Values 13. Conscientiousness 14. Agreeableness
Beautiful 🙏🏽
My narc ex had values. But no one will ever know if they were his real values y'know? He probably just said these things because he knew they were MY values
Thank you.
I am
@@ManifestingDestiny can you list the bad stuff of gaslighting and narcissistic traits? Thanks
I married TWO narcissists and survived-but I got away after 39 years. Now I’m married to a great, normal, kind man!
@@PaulCotton , I was married to narcissists who abused me. My current husband ran businesses, played excellent football, and won golf games. He is big, handsome, secure, and kind. Very kind but never a pushover.
Never mind, lot of women call 3rd husband narcissist too.
@@jolesliewhitten6545 NFL?
@@PaulCotton no, the one looking back is still a victim
Well then send one my way🤣
Seasoned divorce lawyer here. Just my two cents. Great interview! I wish everyone could be educated about spotting narcissistic behaviors before they get into relationships or get married. Narcissists are brutal to divorce. They often try to use the family courts for attention and as a weapon. Stay safe out there! Get educated!
👍
So true! I married one in a church!! He had so many people fooled. I got out though within 4 years...Continue to listen to this powerful Doctor as part of my healing
@@maryjobrown8252 No...embrace reality and be responsible and own who you are, Weak and Desperate - An active, engaged Narcissist., Proud father of 2
Don’t forget to mention 80% of divorces are initiated by the woman! I think we all can connect the dots on this one
Hi, I am an ex Civil Lawyer, Narcissism is a problem also because Courts do not recognise it. We have seriously to think how to bring this topic to evidence there without let it be dismissed just because psychology related("it's just psychology"). I worked on this since my bachelor thesis1998, happy that finally st least in society the awakening is happening . I am still thinking for a way in my Country, not easy..but if everyone of us could try to push the awareness in our Law Systems maybe the change will happen as the Laws and so the Courts are always a reflection of the changes happening in the society
“Every healthy relationship has the same core ingredients. Kindness, compassion, patience, mutuality of regard, reciprocity, respect. No narcissistic relationship has even one of those ingredients. That’s why they don’t work.” “Like your trying to bake a cake without flour, eggs or sugar- Good luck with that.” 🙌🏻 🔥
I am so happy to be out of my Toxic Narcissistic relationship!!
@@MegaRose1958 I am so happy for you too. I also just got out of one and I’m never going back! It’s hard at first to let go completely but each day I feel stronger. 💗
Absolutely right! Why oh why I was prepared to wait until those things gradually unfolded in a relationship? I thought I was supposed to make myself worthy of them. It NEVER happened.
I would add to that list 'time'. The other ingredients are spot-on. My female friends are precious indeed. Also the odd male friend, but mainly females comprise my friend-group. 💜👾😁
So true xoxo
Whoa!!! When I was gaslit by a narcissist and as I defended myself and my reality, I started to wonder if I was also a narcissist for questioning their perspective as they denied or dismissed mine. This relationship has messed with my head.
I can’t tell if I am the narcissist or not anymore, or if he is/isn’t, and it is effecting me so badly. I totally feel you!
10+ months into the divorce, I continue to be sickened by all the dynamics that have been at play in my life for decades, is an ongoing process of revelation. I’m a knowledgeable junkie and have been planning to move on for 10 yrs. I wanted to get my youngest daughter through high school. It didn’t work out the way I had hoped for years.
@@amyroxx1 I hear you. definitely know that she (my person) has the tendencies. For sure. I just also wonder about if we question their distorted reality after they question our reality, if that also would be called gaslighting.
@@kalifornia4745 questioning where they get their distorted reality makes them double down and make you even more remorseful for questioning them. It’s like arguing with a lawyer some days. So I’d say it’s definitely gaslighting.
I know exactly what you mean. A recent relationship left me feeling like I was a totally worthless person. Don’t give in to their games!
"narcissism is the opposite of authenticity." well said
my brain just grew!!!!
It doesn't fly if you look at kids, are they really authentic or are they actual having a narcissistic tendency.
This is funny for me because the woman I was supposedly in a non-existent relationship with use to love saying “Be authentically you” rolls eyes, snaps twice, claps hands and moves TF on.
@@thabangmonyela5571 They seem to be in sync with idealising the living daylights out of you (first) until it doesn't matter any longer(monkey branch), for them communication only matters if you bend your knee (which isn't authentic, but only leans heavy towards entitlement), they say half the truth to keep you from saying screw this right away. The part of where they blame, guilt trip, or try to put certain shame on you will be always there, it feels like push and pull whatever it takes, followed by small jabs. Take care.
One of the major characteristics of narcissists is fakeness.
If anyone has a hard time leaving a narcissist or feels bad, remember that they really don’t care about you other than themselves.
I truly understood this when the guy I was dating said he was having a terrible day (as always) and went off on our phone conversation, complaining almost about everything. So decided to venmo him lunch to hopefully brighten his day and he saw the venmo transaction and did not once said “thank you” or “hey I received your venmo gift” and continued to complain throughout the day. A normal person would have acknowledge this. That’s how I knew it’s always about him. Smh
Totally agree 💯 I'd just add that how you leave is important. Don't make the mistake I did and think you have to give them notice...make a plan, get everything in order and get the hell out! X
Hello.. How does it work when your married to a Narc.
@@luvonalonelyhwy3526 If you are trying to figure out how to leave, and especially if you don’t feel safe, there are lots of websites for helping people and domestic abuse situations come up with a plan to leave
@@luvonalonelyhwy3526...and share children with a narc!
I learned recently my mother is a narcissist, she was extremely difficult my whole life and now I know why. This was very healing for me, I don't have to blame myself anymore.
When Dr. Ramani says she has closed off her pity for protecting herself and almost feels guilty for it.. Omg I feel that! Dr. Ramani is one of the people who absolutely saved me from my doom! I remember the first time I watched her videos some 3-4 years ago, it was like fireworks in my head!! She is amazing! And thank you Lewis, for always asking the best questions! 🌼🌼✨✨✨
So happy you are enjoying the content. I would love for you to follow my page and leave me a review here: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/id596047499
I totally agree
My rule for abusive narcissists, and other difficult people, is to "not reward bad behavior"; I ignore bad behavior, and walk away. Like training a dog.
Except they never het trained. My method is not to care about their behaviour, well I try as much as I can. Mostly I can save my feelings with this attitude, sometimes I still do get sucked into the hellish turmoil but then I recover my state of mind ASAP. its just psychology knowledge, wisdom and lots of practice.
“Training people” is also a narcissistic trait. They love to ignore and pull away to teach people how to chase them.
hmm.. depending on the scenario. Silence can be compliance ...
If you can, that's good.
I was married to one of these for 26 years. Getting out was like planning an escape from Alcatraz.
I became totally paralyzed when I finally left the malignant narc. I couldn't clean or maintain my surroundings; I isolated myself which was perfect in 2020 because of the quarantine; I was deeply depressed and just wanted to sleep all the time. I think my only saving grace was having the unconditional love of my dog!!! And these awesome KZhead videos that helped me understand what I had been through so I could heal. I'm so grateful for people like Dr. Ramani!!! Thank you for this awesome interview!!!!
@@mapleleaf1185 thank you.
I love dogs so much .. they were such a lifeline of unconditional affection in my youth and in adulthood .. the only thing I miss from my long marriage to my ex narc is my dog pepperpot .. the dogs we had had while married were actually weapons she used against me .. such evil
I have distanced myself more from ppl, too, after this experience, & become more introverted, withdrawn, as a self- protection. But you're right: the covid scare has given us time to discover these videos on narcs, so a blessing in disguise. It will take time, but be grateful that your eyes are wide open now, even though what you see is painful. It'll take time to recover, but it'll get better. (I cry now, when I listen to Alanis Morrisette's song, " Thank you", a metaphor for enlightenment.)
Me too🥺 long road to healing but we will get there🥰
@dee iacobellis your comment is 100% summary what I experienced, after leaving my NEX the final time in 2020. Just NOW, 14 months later, I’m “defrosting”. That’s how I refer to it. Narc survivors are a special kind of strong. The experience built my core to steel. I am positive God allowed my experience to make me stronger. I was certainly naive going in, but wise to the real world after. I did sleep a lot, and I’m convinced it was my endocrine system recovering from the constant fight or flight mode I lived in for years. Shout out to my cat Lucky, for his unconditional love during the past year! ❤️May you stay strong and be kind to yourself.
35 years after my divorce, and listening to this talk brings it all back to me. Yes, I was the person who just tried harder, who was open to feedback, who wanted therapy to fix the problem, and whose social and professional life was completely destroyed .
So sorry. Hope all is better.
I wanted the help from mental health professionals whom he was lying to at the time because my options were limited. He used that against me and so did my second husband use that against me too.
How did you get over it
How sad...
Same. No matter how hard I tried, he just didnt want to fix things. He ruined my businesses and everything that I am
My husband is the charming scary one. He loves to intimidate. He was going through this high high and low low of talking about me in the same sentence. You’re the perfect mom and we’re perfect together but you’re a manipulative liar who cries all the time. So I told him I will not be his negative object anymore.
Gosh I could listen to Dr. Ramani talk FOREVER!!! Such a brilliant woman and communicator! ❤🙌
Same thing for Lewis Howes, great communicator! And a wonderful, empathic man! So authentic.
The host keeps interrupting the guest speaker usurping the conversation. Not only does this derail the train of thought in favor of a personal POV, but the lack of courtesy is distressful. The guest is the key speaker; the main reason many are tuning in. If the host wants to be the key speaker then they should not invite a guest speaker onto their show. By constantly interrupting, the show feels more like a power struggle for control, and that struggle becomes the focal point; not the topic being explored. The job of a host with a guest speaker is facilitating the guest with the occasional question if the conversation slows down. Being rude to a guest speaker really doesn't make for good viewing content.
Me too I could listen to her forever
She actually has her own channel now so, you can! :D Doctor Ramani
So interesting to see you here. I love your content!
After growing up with a narcissistic mother and having 3 marriages, I have finally married a man who is consistently kind, calm, and considerate. No one would think that I would marry such a man, but his inner qualities are so compelling that I can't imagine living with anyone else. We have been married 6 years. We were in our 70's when we married. It took me long enough, but I lucked out!
How did you know? And what was the difference between your past partners and your new one?
I'm so very happy for you. Did you have to heal from the PTSD caused by those relationships?
Girl you give me hope!❤🌻thanks for your comment. Trying to not go backwards to the narc.
That's the one thing out of all that I like what you said: "consistency". It's confusing when you gt loved bombed 💣 then expect that to continue; that's where you're in for the surprise when nxt is yelling, controlling, rage, temper tantrums, insults, etc. I'm sure someone out there could add to this list.
Because when you get into any relationship with someone, YOU have to change your ways, and also the bad ones too!!
I could listen to this woman all day, I'm a narcissist magnet and she's helping me so much
She says no you can't tear up the living room , mine punishes me by smoking in a non smoking united over months of acting like he'll stop , he said I said ok to not smoking , ok isn't yes or no .... so I'm punished by him doing things to the house . Like alarm going off for me to get him ready for work , he throws alarm into wall ....he'll fix it , ya I'm in process.
Damn, I once read a man I was dating, that he had all of these characteristics. I called him out on being a narcissist very early on. He told me , “I am too empathic to be a narcissist..” I told him, “you show empathy to get what you want from others.” He kinda smiled then was like, “nooooo~” Thank you for this! I knew I was seeing clearly. That relationship didnt last long but it did last longer than it needed to. (My first dating experience in 2 years at the time)
My boyfriend said this too
I’m very grateful to Dr Ramani and others who are exposing narcissism. I now know why and how I’ve attracted narcissists. The most important thing I’ve learned is not to ignore gut feelings about people’s behaviour. In all my toxic relationships my gut tried to warn me. To anyone in a bad relationship who’s reading this I wish you strength and perseverance to escape to a place of peace and love for yourself.
Thank you! I’m going to need it🙏🏼
Ah, Curious and Wise Netty, thank you for sharing. I wish you much love, healing and peace 🌌💖💫
thank you for sharin I agree BOTH times I've pushed passed it and struggle w lettin go
Got instincts should never be avoided. I've learned the hard way.
@@beckybennett2 Boy have I learned the hard way.
1:21:46 The narcissistic relationship cycle: ✔ Love bombing ✔ Devaluing ✔ Discard ✔ Hoovering ✔ Future faking
and lying
Gaslighting, exaggerating, gossiping (smear campaigning) usually after the relationship
@@joefiddle4287 gaslighting, lying, manipulation, power, using others for personal gain, and attention seeking is huge for their agenda
I never argued with my narcissist husbands. I was afraid. But I did get away. Total separation. Peace. Established boundaries. Finally a great husband!
WOW. What a good outcome. You make it sound easier than it probably was.
You worked hard to find this one! 😊
@@barbsmart7373 , I got on my knees before God and told him I’d join an internet dating space for ONE month (Ourtime) . If he wanted me to marry, he’d bring a good man. If not, I’d assume he’d want me single. He brought me a man right after church the next day. We committed to each other the first date-the next Friday. We married five months later. We had a mutual friend in common. She told us a great deal about each other before we met. Turn everything over to God. Relax. (I’d never followed God before.)
@@cc1k435 , please read what I told Barb Smart above.
When you give up, there is so much deep grief. YES!!!
the trauma bond is real. i knew something was really "OFF" by how devastated i felt during the devalue and discard- WAY more painful than a normal "breakup"- which got me searching for answers... and now i know it was narc abuse that really caused a deep pain/sadness- it felt like "withdrawal" from heroin! ( and i've never used heroin....) because i felt so sick with abdominal pain, fatigue, etc!
I was brought up by both a grandiose narc father and a covert narc mother. I asked my mother why she was not affectionate to me and she replied “You pushed me away when you were 18 months old” 🤦♀️
OMG Wow! 👁️ I pray for you.
My mom stopped caring about me when I turned 15, she would just sleep for 3 days in a row. Then she told me that I was all grown up, able to take care of myself
Holy fuck this is my MOTHER. She said the same thing about me when I was 2. Fucking psychos.
That is so sad. That’s when you needed her most
My covert narcissistic mother has been sending me birthday cards. She writes the same story in it! It is how she wanted a cesarean but ate dinner right before she went into labor. She never talks about me or holding me or what I looked like. It is all about her!
"I don't care why they are behaving like this, they are behaving like this" - gold.
Years wasted thinking I just needed to understand.
The emotionally sadistic narcissist derives enjoyment from hurting someone. More than physical abuse, they are experts at manipulating people's emotions until they feel broken. They intimidate their partners to prevent them from expressing criticism or disapproval of their actions and decisions😔✨☘️🙏
Well said…
@@willabestorms6059 God bless you Hope lifes treating you extremely kindly now ✨☘️🙏
You’ve just described my (thankfully)ex-husband
@@Wiggy8 God bless you Sincerely hoping you're now away from anyone whom derives some enjoyment from these horrendous mind gmes✨☘️🙏Hope life's treating you extremely well now
Am with a text book narc. Lying, raging, gaslighting, aggressive, insults and putdowns, financial abuse, sabotaging me, isolating me, never taking blame for anything. Down to the narc eyebrows!
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE AND NEVER LOOK BACK!
what are narc eyebrows...and I second the first reply...never, ever look back.
🏃🏾♀️ RUUUNN !!!!!!! my ex husband was text book and be careful because once I left him I found myself in Another Narc relationship and thought I knew better and was healed so I’m wishing you much happiness and success in your journey to healing
Months of silence treatment
Get the hell out. Whatever you do, don't have any kids to him. Just get out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't fear your future on your own. Just get out!!!!!!
You asked "Can you love a narcissist?" I did with all my heart for 15 years. Ignoring all the bad, acquiescence at nearly every turn. I would sit next to her a voice screaming in my head for the smallest morsel of affection or acknowledgement. Yes, you can love a narcissist but it is the dryest of deserts. She finaly crossed a line I could not follow and she tossed me away for that. The best and most difficult experience in my life. Now I have someone who does not try to control me and my children can heal and know what a healthy relationship is, something I appreciate more because of my experience.
Hi Stone. Would you mind sharing that line crossed for educational purposes? Sometimes it helps to hear this sh*t so that it is easier to share our own. The Narc is was with was now trying to screw my brother, needless to say she’s now screwing my ‘friends’ or rather acquaintances, well the ones one can throw away now because that’s just bull
@@thabangmonyela5571 First off as I did not have to deal with a case as bad as many others and there is is a possibility I may have been dealing more with manic depression or borderline personality disorder. I consider myself a devoutly religious man. My wife had higher standards than I did and expected me to live up to them. Although I did not want to I did because they seemed so important to her. It seemed that to refuse would do irreparable harm to our marriage. These things included paying 20% or more of my gross income to church, and me having to wear clothing she deemed apropreate. Along with a number of much more minor things that I would just say to my self "happy wife, happy life". Because I allowed her control over religion during this time things were bearable. The crux came when she suddenly changed to being anti religious and told me that my continued efforts to teach the children to pray, keep and keep the sabbath day holy as we both did previously were inappropriate. As part of her change she and I agreed to spicific boundries and expectations that we would live by as previously many of these were set by our common religious framework. This was no sooner entered in to than refused, marriage counseling was refused. It seemed at the time the only way to save my marriage was to abandon God. This I could not do. Soon after her divorcing me she started providing pornography and encurraging sexual promiscuity to our boys who were 12 and 14 at the time.
The driest of the deserts indeed!
@@apartyofone wow!😪💔. I hope u n yr sons heal from this. Definately sounds more bi polar to switch so radically. God bless you🙏
@@apartyofone She sounds like demonic
the silent treatment, lying and discarding just about killed me. I had to call my doctor fir anxiety and depression pills. I couldn't get out of bed and had panic attacks. I even woke at night with panic attacks. I cried to my doctor, and she actually thanked me for seeking help! The way they were at the beginning and future faking.... hits you hard!! everything hits you hard. It is PTSD after these relationships. It's been one year and I am still broken! Thank you for your videos!
The silent treatment was torture. I was so confused. Yes it destroys you when you don't know what your dealing with. It took me about a year to come back to life. It does take time but your gonna come back better than ever 🌟🌟🌟
My sister has recently given me the silent treatment- since late this past summer, following a visit to my home. Living across the country, she stopped taking my phone calls, ignoring my voice messages. I knew, from her past behavior, she was angry, jealous, envious, etc. about something I had done, something I have that she doesn’t, a talent I have that she doesn’t have, etc.; however, it’s my responsibility to figure out what I had done to make her feel the way does. Confusing, right? I just figured she’d get glad in the same pants she got mad in. BTW - there are no health, marriage, or financial difficulties that she’s dealing with. She did answer my call two weeks ago, when we needed to discuss the distribution of a family trust. Just as the call ended, she told me she’d contact me in a couple of months to “discuss the reasons” for not returning my calls or messages. She says there will be no additional contact until she decides to call me. I can’t control her, but I can control myself by cultivating other interests and activities and just letting go of her.
I feel You, I have been through the same thing! Depression pills, PTSD, Panic attacks, still recovering. It gets better. But be careful not to meet another narc. Stay safe. Sending You so much love❤️
They have a way of eating into your soul they leave you maimed for life, it seems. I need a local support group.
Phew..2 months no contact...nowhere near recovered
I'm 5 weeks in to a divorce with a narcissist spouse. I've only just now realized it this week. Wow, I feel like I'm seeing the world for the first time. It took me 12 years, but I'd ignored or justified the red flags from the beginning.
I’m 10+ months myself. My misery lasted for 28 years. You haven’t scratched the surface of the nightmare in front of you. I retained a highly respected attorney but I now find myself having to seek alternative counsel because the initial attorney isn’t aggressive enough
Hi just broke off a 10 month relationship...could give me some insight of the things you experienced...so I can be prepared..I have a feeling she will hoover back n I want to be strong enough to say I'm done. Thank you. 🙏🏼
The DEEP technique in dealing with Narcissist : DO NOT : 1-Defend 2- Engage 3- Explain 4- Personalize
So act like them . Wow , sorry world isn't it ...😢
ho fatto tutto motherfucer
I'm so happy my parents are NOT narcissists and our house was full of balanced love. I'm so so lucky.
Yes, you are 🍀
Really lucky.
@@chimitrey08 May have interest in human psychology or had a bad relationship out of house
@@chimitrey08 it’s a narcissistic thing to do. Look how much better I am than you because I had a normal childhood. Textbook narcissist behavior. It was something that should NOT have been said, but narcissistic people can’t help themselves when an opportunity to invalidate others arises. Self reflection is a dwindling skill.
That you are! Truly blessed.
The fight with the narcissist is final. Only satisfaction is that you’re never going back and you said everything you ever wanted to say. The next thing is watching mutual friends fall away into the narcissist’s nest. And imagining the lies they told about. Take a deep breath and carry on with your beautiful new life. I did. Thankful.
My GOD!!!!! These are my exact thoughts as I am in the middle of going through this right now!!!!!
That’s right! Mutual friends who never call and ask if you’re ok. It’s because they smear you, tell half truths, play the victim. Their perception is deranged and skewed. That’s what you noticed was “off” so long ago. Dr Rosenberg says that once you leave the narc, watch 80% of the people you know fall away. It happened exactly like that. I’m on Team Ramani ….my social circle is tiny, but these few people are my life rafts and held me up when I was hopelessly drowning in despair. Find those people and fuck the rest!!
@@michellek2946 Amen to that sis!
You say "Personality never change" but the personality of the Narcissistic persons partner changes soo tragically. a person with a happy, life loving, fun personality, within couple of years of marriage with a Narcissist, turns in to a totally different person. Such a sad, tragic outcome.😱😱😱😱😱
I am so surprised this is not more familiar w mental health
I think maybe more so that’s their temperament that changes.
Those are just masks, avatars and characters used depending of circumstances
The description of the "Michaelangelo effect" brought me to tears. I was raised by Narrcs..only recently have I run into a person who "Michaelangelo effect" me...and it changed the course of my life in such a positive way. I want to replicate it with kids so bad I became a teacher. The one I wish I had.
What are you teaching kids about?
I’m setting boundaries. 24 years in and finally figured out what was going on. My wife is a big time narcissist manipulator. Since I have set boundaries the love bombing has started. I have another 60 days to see some change or I am out. Thank you for all you do! At 44 years old I feel like I have a new lease on life!
Set boundaries hold the line!
Won't work. But I wish you the best.
It behooves me narcissism is framed as male behavior. In the majority of these topics, the pronouns are described as he. I never hear women discussing narcissism as a female trait. Im glad you understand more about your situation. Stay strong. Women are prone to be more competitive , masking, manipulative, and persuasive then men.
Just start planning your way out .......what you're doing is called cognitive dissonance , seems your new to this .......
You need to get out now…you said it yourself the LOVE BOMBING started….they won’t change!!!!! 60 days for what…you already lost 24 years and after the 60 days pass and you realize she’s never gonna change you will feel like you look bad…be strong you’re not the only one going through it or deciding to move on…it’s ok to decide to choose yourself
Great video! I had a one year romantic with a narcissist and after the breakup (I ended it), I was exhausted. One year later (in April this year, 2022) I reconnected with a former college professor and we started dating, then I noted similar characteristic: he was rude with the waiters, very neurotic and always in a bad mood, very egocentric, always talking about him, etc. At the beginning very loving with me (the love bombing), then, when I started to be more affectionate , he started the devaluating process so the I realized I was again in a relationship with a jerk, another narcissist...
I'm the same way..I just continue to attract them. Glad you were able to nip it in the bud early in the relationship. I'm trying to figure out how to stop attracting them because right now I'm closed off. I don't want to be that way.
Yes yes it is the same 👍👍 My god they are evil in a human body Really dangerous
Ditto
I look forward to testing out what I've learned! In June it will be 2 years separation and 1 year since divorce. I am at the point where I want to stick my toes in the water. I've always been very trusting and never took betrayal from one relationship into another but then again I've never had a 7 1/2 year marriage end because I want to talk about the disrespect and how it makes me feel. Definitely hoping this has not changed my trust in people
@@AprilHareexact same here
I wish I googled "narcissism" once, during the past 30 years. Could've saved me years of deep grieve. But, it's not about what we've been through, but what we've learned from it. If you can answer that, it will stay away. Love to all of you. 💗
Exact thé same with me!
A therapist asked me this question about radical acceptance of the narcissist. He said, "You have to ask yourself, can you live with it? He's never going to change." It was very profound. Cut right to the heart of the matter. My answer was I couldn't and it was a very good decision.
if you married him then you should stay with this person...marriage is for life and it´s a covenant..so people must be careful who they marry
@@FlawlesZMa could not disagree more not all Marriages are meant to be forever and that’s ok -
@Count it all Joy Exactly and before marrying that person GOD gives plenty and plenty of warnings to not do that, but to often is ignored because the profound love for the narc!
@@FlawlesZMa Marriage is something of God, but sometimes we make mistakes chosing the person we marry because we are naive, or we didn't know better...God doesn't give us our life to be miserable...he wants to be happy and enjoy our life...to have peace, joy, sound mind, clarity and to build a wonderful life with a partner who loves us as he does and vice versa...all the opposite is NOT from God....and he will not be mad or punish us for wanting to live a good life away from abuse and chaos....HE WILL BE HONORED THAT WE CHOSE TO MAKE A DECISION THAT WILL FREE US AND MAKE US HAPPY AND AT PEACE AT LAST.
@@FlawlesZMa Says who? God? Jebus? Mind your own business.
That is so true... I waited until my kid was 18 and filed for divorce after 27 years of marriage and narcissistic abuse. You are right on the spot why mothers don't divorce. I remember thinking "this monster will make my kids cry and I won't be able to protect me just to make me pay for my rebellion". It is terrible, I would say to anyone if you see the signs and you have no children, please divorce.... Your children will suffer too and either become narcissists or pleasers.
If You Have Children And Actually Know What You Dealing With....You And Your Children Will Pay. The Sooner The Better To Leave.
Same me. I divorced narcissist after 28 years of marriage. Hopefully all my children are adults. My friends from supportive group are devastating after custody. It is something to be realized and changed in the court system.
That’s smart...I wish I knew about narcissism before my divorce..:(
Omg…this is exactly why im stiil married after 16 years of abuse. i need to protect my children from him. he would fight me for custody
And about the monster parents who would seek validation from peers to the point of "meddling" with the child's gender....irreversable actions like hormone "therapy"
It's been a year for me since I finally ended my 7 year narcissist relationship.( oh boy what a bumpy ride) I was a foster kid looking/ wanting to be loved. I learned to love myself. Thank you for this info. Building a new peaceful narcissist free life. 🙏 I 💝 u both for having this session.
Good for you 🕊️
Same boat, it’s been a year since I ended my 9 year narcissist relationship. I think there is a direct connection between the instability and chaos of my family and how that degraded my self esteem and self worth, and my attraction and neediness with this relationship.
I was a foster kid and got sucked in by one too. Good on you for getting out!
Same here.now I'm sticking to my pets only.its all I need now.
Kudos to you. That must’ve been hard you are so brave ♥️
Both my parents were narcissists. It negatively effected my three siblings and myself. Such a sad life we have all lived. Unfortunately, I seem to be a magnet for attracting narcissists. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for helping to try to overcome. I lead a very isolated life and they still seem to find me.
I can relate to the isolated life portion. I'm genuinely afraid of creating new friendships. I feel like a skittish cat. After so many traumatic relationships I think it may be best to spend the time alone. Reconnect with who I am and learn how to love myself for me and not for what I have to offer others I also apologize if I'm trauma dumping on you- I just feel aquatinted with the isolation having myself and siblings experienced narc parents Wishing you love for you
You are not alone, hope you are on the way to healing
Same, Girl. I had to read this twice to be sure it wasn't one of my earlier comments.
Dr. Ramani is such a treasure in the world of psychology. People can avoid a whole world of trouble by listening to her. Amazing woman!!
She absolutely is. I'm so grateful for her! ♥️
She’s passionate easy to listen to too.
Absolutely YES!!
At 55:00 really resonated with me. I got trapped into a narcissitic marriage because I was raised to believe hard work in life was what gave you value, and that "love is a matter of work." (Actual quote from my parents.) So I ran myself into the ground believing I was the one who had to work harder, try harder, put in the time and effort to make our marriage work.
I love your comment! What a revelation for you!
Yes
15 years we had broken up and the pt therapist talked about dumest dogs that he knows ..I'm a pro get rid of them they only use people.
I think they forgot to tell you, it takes two!
YES!
I was raised by two narcissists and only realized it recently due to the increased amount of information. I'm so grateful for all this information, I have had so many friends and partners that were narcs and I didn't understand that I attracted those types because it's what I associated with love. I am now in the road to recovery and healing from all of these relationships. Thanks again for another great interview Lewis!
same here. Thanks to this video I cut them out of my life without guilty feelings. Who said we need many people in our life?
Best wishes for your recovery
Once I learned about narcist and how they work, it removed so much of my confusion over my x and that marriage. It just did not make sense until I understood that my X was a narcist and it was like a key turned and all made sense. I felt crazy during the marriage and even after for years. Now I found peace and feel like I was one of the lucky ones who managed to get away.
I love this woman! Intelligent, insightful and truly compassionate! We need more people like her in this more and more absurd world we live in.
🧡
I support and embrace this comment - An Active and contributing Narcissist.....Stay Safe
Dr. Ramani is a national treasure without a doubt.
I like Dr ramani
Hi
Dr. Ramani is a Goddess for our age. She is probably the first person who has addressed the situation of many people who have been living life with the pain inflicted on them by others who never had any compassion or empathy. She nails it down so we can get a better idea of exactly how destructive and prevalent narcissism is and also gives intelligent and kind advice on just how to make the best of unwinnable and sometimes unavoidable relationships.
Hera, I love your comment, so true.
I’ve learned so much in this interview and I have one in my life who’s controlling, manipulative and has no plans to change.
I agree. She is amazing and has really opened up the doors on knowledge of this subject. I WISH I had had this information twenty five years ago!
My Narc dad always thought and preached "Ok kids, in life it's important that people like you". 🙄 He said this at a dinner at my sister's house to her kids. She lost it with him and said ours more important that you like yourself. He defended by saying no it isn't. I told him "No dad you're wrong". He yelled at the finger table and just said "I'M NOT WRONG". We all stayed quiet and looked at one another as he continued with his childish narc rage
Ah, yes, family dinners with the Narcissist. Please pass the insults witha side of temper tantrum. And for dessert.... heartburn
What? It’s important that people like you?
@@hillaryh.5197 for the Narcissist It's important to them that people like them because that's how they suck people dry using up the person's resources. The narcissist does this with a smile on his face, In other words a wolf in sheep's clothing. Perfect example is my son-in-law except he's also emotionally & physically abusive 💔.
That's legit what my narcissistic dad told me on the phone today, first time I spoke to him in so long, he said it doesn't matter how you view yourself it's how others view you that really matters" like what??
Wondering how many people who have attracted a narcissist into their lives actually have the INFJ personality type like me. We seem to be an easy target for these people. Understanding yourself helps to protect from further attacks and to take accountability for allowing the abuse.
I’m a INFJ who married two narcissists. I stayed alone 9 years praying for help after 39 years of abuse. Now I’m married to a loving, normal man.
I'm an INFJ, is that related to who we attract?
INFP here. Highly sensitive and empathic, with a core abandonment wound. My soon-to-be-ex-wife discarded me (final discard) two months ago. I ignored my intuition because I just wanted to love and be loved. I wanted to believe in the fantasy
@@BabyLovesDisco_xo I don't have low self-esteem even though I am a HSP and emapthetic. I have learned to use my intuition wisely even though it has taken me many years of training and understanding. I now will choose very carefully who gets my attention, however, I can see why we get pulled into these dynamics, but I don't give my power away to others to control my life.
@@BabyLovesDisco_xo Hi Rachel, Thank you but let's just clarify that what we give our focus to will create our reality and so even if we are INFJ and therefore possibly a softer, gentler personality who may potentially get taken advantage of, it is always up to the individual to know their worth and the values they prefer to live by also sustaining themselves by living those values. In which case we need to understand one another but at the same time maybe understand that some people are destructive, to themselves and others. This is why I used myself as an example because I have found it is more to do with consciousness than personality type, even though I still have to live with myself and my weaknesses, always working to improve on them by being kinder wherever possible.
Having to walk on eggshells is a huge, big sign something is not right, not being able to say what you like to say, if u do, it gets blown up, u said it with good intentions or cos u genuinely care, or u keep constantly your mouth shut cos u don't want to trigger anyone, etc. that is also very exhausting not being able to be yourself with other people, then get gaslighted and shut out.
Narcissist = the opposite of an empath. "Narcissists use empathy to weaponize it against you." Wow, thanks Dr Ramani.
After struggling so much most of my life, with a narcissistic mother, I moved out into a marriage with a narcissist. It was killing me inside even worse. I'm so thankful I reached for therapy and there I learned they are narcissists... It was crushing but also at least I'm learning how to break free from all of it. After years of being psychologically and physically abusld I'm finally manifesting my freedom. All this knowledge is taking me off rock bottom into the stars. I will not only survive. I'll thrive. Thank you for all your amazing work with these interviews it does change people's lives.
She is one of the best therapists on narcissism!! Very badass woman :)
If you are in touch with your gut and you are interacting with someone who’s energy feels: hot = sociopath cold = psychopath hollow = narcissist It might be too simple, but it works…for me. Work is tough with them around. Otherwise: 🏃🏼♂️ And I might add: learn about their temperament/personality. Study, observe. Cause they can cause a lot of emotional damage.
And what's for neurotypicals or trauma disorders
I feel like I felt the energy as you described it lol
Thank you
i had to suffer a lot emotionally because of one of my psychopath co worker for almost a year and now i live on another flat.
You don't sound very bright
My youngest was a difficult child. He'd rock in his cot, he screamed and cried easily, wouldn't speak until he was two, he was angry and we both knew we were good loving patient parents so where did this anger come from!! But we loved, nurtured and supported him, were extremely patient, ensured boundries were kept to and with time he changed into a kind and loving man. I'm sure our determination, love, safety, care, values contributed to who he is today. I'll never know for sure but I still believe it in my heart.
I hear you. Having patient loving caring parents is best thing for this kind of child. No doubt you find your hardwork paid off. Stay blessed
Ass whoppings helped stop me from acting up when I was a kid. There has to be consequences for bad behavior or else you get bad behavior.
@@adrien2323 So the only consequence that can exist is beating your child? When all the data shows that inflicting violence on your child is more likely to make them violent as adults and lower their self-esteem? This comment is ignorant and flies in the face of decades of early childhood development SCIENCE. Yes, parents needs to set boundaries. It is okay to tell your child no. It is important to be consistent. But violence is not the answer for god's sake. How many times do we have to hear this?
I rocked in my crib too. The doctor said I would have good rhythm. I do lol. But it felt good. It is just a soothing thing. I didn't have the temperament of your son, but just another perspective. I still find myself doing it when I'm stressed. I'm 54 now. Parents love is so important.
@@adrien2323 you’re definitely messed up
Listening to Dr Ramani is like a breath of fresh air the more I listen the more I set myself free. She’s obviously passionate about her work and really wants to help people survive.
I have been weeding toxic people out of my life. It helps so much.
I appreciate the details about this condition. I have classified this type of person and their relationships as toxic. If you stay engaged you will be sickened, used up, damaged, or killed. The only solution is to get out, get away, and don't go back. You cannot fix what ails them. You are not responsible for their condition and you are not going to be free from all the harm they can cause unless you realize it is not your fault. Do not enable them. Go and don't look back. We are created in God's image therefore, we are precious in His sight.
So very well said, i was about to give up on reading comments, then i began to read yours and it touched my heart so deeply. Thank you so much. The narc i was thinking about going bk to i know it won't end well, but i sent him a pic once when we first met& as i looked at that pic i actually saw a clear vision of my own face dead. I man the stiffness the cold every part of seeing a dead person. I often wondered about that. Then when i go to see him, i end up always running away from him for one reason or another.
After decades of narcissistic abuse I've finally understood. Its amazing how horrible these relationships really are yet you always think tomorrow it will be better.
Great interview 😀! I an Empath was sadly involved with a malignant Narcissist. It was a truly scary experience. I thought I was losing my mind. Unfortunately, at the time I wasn’t educated about what a true Narcissist was and how they behaved. Thankfully, I left the situation and educated myself. I am now Completely NO CONTACT. My ex really was making me feel so demeaned and frighted daily but happily no longer. No more violence or crazy making and definitely no more co dependency! Living my best life ever😀
Happy to hear this :)
Wtf is an empath
Yezzzzz Stephanie!! ❤️
@@lewishowes excellent content 👍👍 keep it up guys
Setting boundaries with a narcissist is impossible 😔
Communal narcissists can portray, "false humility," to servers, friends, strangers, etc., and others in public, but behind closed doors, they have no empathy.
I agree . From experience, I am very wary of people who say they like somone’s “ humility” or those who like “humble” people. They are the worst.
So true
Yup
I agree and there's a lot of narcissistic manipulative bosses & CEOs who demonstrate this charm and false empathy & humility to the public for their own self serving agendas too.
💥💥💥 “Communicating with a narcissist is like screaming into an abyss.” 💥💥💥
After they spent years "listening" to you.
Nothing improves - you go around in circles and at the end you are left drained and exhausted. They carry on as if nothing ever happened.
@@AJ-kb9hf - GOSO ‘Get Out/Stay Out’ - it’s a complete waste of time, breath, energy to deal with these THINGS. Move on with your life & leave them behind…
@@hissyfitz7890 definitely! Don't look back
Dr. Ramani's cadence and tone of voice are like a melody dropping information bombshells. ❤
This man reacted the way I did when I found out about narcissism! Dr. Ramani was one of my first life coaches on the subject. When my beautiful daughter met her malignant narcissist husband… We were out dancing one night and he showed up! Everywhere we went he showed up! I knew then, he needed to go away, I saw what was happening and I confronted her about his pathological jealousy, paranoia, antagonistic and delusional personality only to be told to shut up! They have five children and four are in big trouble. 20+ years of trying to save her, and the kids but I realize now how much time I wasted, to no avail!! Now… I’m narch free at 65, from covert, passive aggressive, and malignant narcissism! Now, I have a dog who will bark like crazy if someone is mean, seriously. I can’t even talk to that person because she’ll continue to bark. She’s got the most emotion of a dog I’ve ever met! She helps me determine what people to be around believe it or not. She’s got the “vibes”! I get the “vibes” too!! 🦋SURVIVOR🦋
My covert narcissistic husband was so good at acting humble, I was easily considering myself the crazy one.. He's a great listener, but it is with a purpose to use the information later. It took me getting really sick to figure out the red flags and realize something wasn't right when I felt guilty for suffering from Lyme, and he'd punish me for not being able to put the dinner on the table or take care of the kids. The silent treatment, anger, pouting, deflecting, minimizing, etc. took its toll. Thanks for some great insight. Not able to do anything with my marriage since I am still healing, but the information was not only comforting, but helpful in providing ways to deal in the meantime.
Yep types like this tend to pretend "act" with humility and empathy to gather ammunition to use against you later. The head games of control, manipulation, and gaslighting make you question yourself as if you are the problem and crazy. Its insanity and very painful to heal from.
Mine was not a good listener but he was a great actor . His ‘ humble’act kept me in the loop for 23 years. So convincing…
Marisa, I so much feel for you!!! I've been "there" and I'm telling you, awareness is a half of the success! You've got this, on the good way to no contact and heal < Peace and courage to all the NPD's survivors ✌🏻
@@dauglove7835 Mine was also a great actor, a pillar of the community type (I didn't know what I was dealing with, back then): excellent manners, fastidious grooming, Brooks Bros suits, expensive shoes, car, house in an elite suburb (although he became enraged, when it was mentioned that 3 houses down, it changed to a blue- collar town line). After the first 2 yrs together, I began to see cracks in the facade. I'd introduced him to relatives at a family function; a cousin (who'd been in therapy) took me aside the next day, & said, "I noticed he talked abt nothing but himself ...he never once mentioned YOU!" Of course, I was still making excuses for him at that stage, bcs I didn't yet know what I was dealing with. I thought he was "the one". I began meditating. One night, I had a dream that his face was a mask...and he slowly took it off...and there were maggots all over his real face!! I was horrified, but eventually realized this was a clear sign to get the hell out. Took me 3 more years of hell, but I finally did. Now I'm " woke", but in a GOOD way! 😄 "Thank You", by Alanis Morrissette.
@@suraya1224 I’m sorry you had to experience this. It is a wake up to how deceiving people can be. The best deceivers are the most charming in whatever fashion is most convincing to the victim. Humble really was what worked with my ex. Still works, no doubt. Thank goodness you can move on with your life and now have the clarity to see through masks, we hope. That mask dream was prophetic and I’m so glad you paid attention. I’ve had very telling dreams about my ex and they seem to be dreams that offer me clarity. I’ve heard of others having dreams that show them about their person. My dreams with him always evoke emotion, both in the dream and when I wake- and they seem to always reveal . Good luck to you healing.
Growing up I was always told especially by my mom, “you are just too sensitive” !!! Grow up being told, “Your feelings aren’t important” ! I had to re-learn as an adult ... ‘what do I feel ? My mind seems to go to ... ‘why would they say such a cruel thing ! Remember ... as an adult, life is what you make it ! ❤️😍😘
My feelings didn’t madder either
You are Great!I think that breaks my heart that anyone would say that To You especially young er years.Im glad to here that you know that wasn't true.🙏Here is a ⚘and sending you my big bunch of L💙💜❤🧡💛💚VE JoAnn Schmidt.I said it once and I'm gonna go ahead say again..YOU ARE GREAT🎆🏅🗽🌞🌠🌈🌛🌄🌅 🌜I get a lil carried away with the lil pictures 😁but it for a good reason that's You and me to what I want.. Omgosh .ok1more.. 🧡
Same here and same thing my feelings didn't matter or I was told they were wrong that's a common theme, I was told I was mentally ill and I too have that constant thing in my head 'why did they say that', every time you try to discuss something and a load of vomit is what u get back. At 56 only recently seeing it I think how on earth did I survive because I am so sensitive. All the best to you and your recovery which we are all searching for 😊
Thank you all for comments, it’s always awesome ‘great to have support ... we all need I believe 😘❤️💪
Oh. Yes. I understand completely! Sending you a hug. 💖
Damn! Dr. Ramani just told a million people her weaknesses without skipping a beat. Impressive person.
I’m dating again after 25 years with a narc. Even though I’ve spent the last 4 1/2 years healing and learning all I can about narcissism I am still afraid of attracting another one. When I meet someone who seems nice and attentive, I wonder if it’s all an act. Anyone else feel this way?
Oh yeah, it’s hard to trust again 🙁
A narcissist will not accept any responsibility for their problems. They will never admit they were wrong and not perfect. Project, project, project. That’s what they are good at.
And the worse thing I ever did is I married a man who was just like my Mother. Only I learned to stand up to him. He hated that just like my Mother hated when I became an adult I learned the best thing for me was to stand up for my rights.
Super comment. You wrote you learned, I wonder if it was more like you "spotted" the behavior and didn't fall for it. Great that you posted!
Couldn't help but realize what a kind heart you have,Lewis, and I am relieved for you that you found someone who doesn't mistreat your obvious gifts of sympathetic joy and generosity. When it comes to dealing with a narcissist though, being an empathetic problem solver with a strong work ethic who sincerely wants to help becomes a recipe for a long road of heartache. Having our inner goodness used against us is a really painful experience. Great interview and rapport between you and Dr. Ramani.
This whole video sums up my life for 10 years. Awwww I was definitely LOVE BOMBED, DEVALUED, DISCARD…GASLIT( I did think I was crazy, and I did think I was the person gaslighting.) I actually caught him trying to gaslighting someone then realized that’s what he was doing to me. ALL THIS 💯
The work that Dr. Ramani has done on Narcissism is so outstanding. I actually thought that communication might be able to break through this issue in my life. Here in this video she states that the communication is impossible, which it is. I must break through my denial that nothing I do or say will change this dynamic. Self preservation just seems to be my only hope to minimize further damage and PTSD. Thanks so much.
#LoveRamani♡
Yep, I tried so many times to communicate with my narc and it's literally impossible, they are incapable of seeing anything they are doing as wrong, and if you somehow convince them it was, then somehow it was your fault and you were to blame. Any solution that doesn't solely consist of YOU changing and prostrating yourself before the narc is going to be met with straight up nastiness. They are master manipulators, don't play by the same rules everyone else does, and objective reality matters little to them beyond using it against other people, when it comes to them, they are the shapers of reality in their mind, if they say it's a certain way, in their mind it is that way. I eventually left one day out of the blue when they were least expecting it, I cut all contact, completely pulled the plug. You can't stay in communication with a narc because they know exactly what to say to get you to come back, they know just what you want to hear and will use it on you to get you back and then when you come back it will be ten times worse
@@DodgaOfficial I cannot believe I have lived my entire life with family members like this. Its so damaging. Luckily I moved away and out of the same state about 20 years ago which was a life saver. I am ready to block anyone any everyone that resembles a narc now.
Pushing for communication can change it! It did for me. As soon as I pushed him to communicate, as soon as I asked what he was hearing me say, he blew up, "I hear you saying that you're right and I'm a piece of shit. I'm 55 years old and I'm tired of being told what to do and now I'm not even allowed to say We'll see!" We'll see had become one of his latest dismissive phrases to my suggestions. So communication CAN change things. It can get them out of your life faster and on to their next victim!
00:32 Because the Deep State that has allowed several individuals to goof-up the bioweapons program and set it on Americans and the World, would now like to diagnose ALL POLITICAL DISSENTERS as various shades of CRAZY, for opposing their tyrannical oppression?
Dr. Ramani is like the hip, caring, understanding, and life-lesson-providing aunt doctor we all need in our lives.
Exactly 😊
May I quote you??? In my memoir I want to credit Dr. Ramanie and you nail how a lot of us feel about her. She saved my life and I found Clarity. I am so strong now and can recognize these people almost instantly....and I credit her. And I thank God.
@@lori-annefay4138 heck yes
OH YEA 😊!!! I love this comment !!!!
This is so amazing! Thank you for pointing out the fact that divorcing a narcissist is exhausting. Radical acceptance is so helpful right now after years of exhausting interactions.
So happy you are enjoying the content. I would love for you to subscribe and leave me a review here: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/id596047499
I share custody with a narcissist. I lost my children to him. They are emotionally unavailable to me. He has taken control over them, lied in court and gained custody. I feel paying him is a great way for him to stay away. Never share your weaknesses, failure or be vulnerable to one. They will use anything against. I also have cptsd, he loved making things worse.
I have just recently left an 11 year relationship with a narcissist. I did not know this term, or what NPD was, until I finally left and had the space to breath and see things with perspective. I knew that our relationship was very off, unbalanced, and unhealthy, but I did not know the term for the beast I was dealing with until afterwards. When I discovered the term NPD and began reading about it, it was like 1000 puzzle pieces fell into place. I am now at the beginnings of dealing with divorce, and your DEEP method for how to communicate, is exactly what I needed to hear... thank you, so much for bringing so much awareness to this, you are helping so many people with this insight and information into how this kind of person operates.
Narcs cannot change! It’s impossible as a deep psyche disorder from their bad childhoods, so don’t try to fix them and stay in the marriage! It’s futile! Get your sanity back by getting away from them forever!
Dr. Ramani, you've helped me realize that when a person doesn't believe 'they're enough" is a perfect target for a narcissist. I hope and pray we can keep working on our own struggle with this as we take down our walls built to protect ourselves. The kind of walls that defends against not only narcissist but also innocent people that could potentially be an asset to us.
Absolutely. Ultimately, it is the victim "uncompleteness" feeling that the narcs exploit.
Spot on 👍
The realization ive been being used by someone like this is infuriating. I am so pissed, feel so stupid, betrayed, I'm seeing RED!! HOW DO I HURT HIM BACK? I want some justice.
@@amandacrss u dont because the best revenge is living well. Go on with your life I o CE worked with the George clooney of drs and he placed his hands on my hips at work I removed them to see if he meant that he sorta mind of liked me. If he did he have a asked me out seriously work..
The paradox is that someone behaving narcissistically it is because they are not enough themselves. I've just spent 2.5 years with someone like this. She had terrible self esteem issues, I encouraged her to do things which were good for her, suggested therapy while standing back, and all I got was being accused of being controlling. When I lost my temper and defended my boundaries because none of my needs were considered, thats when I was branded the narcissist. It has destroyed me, now I'm the one with self esteem issues and frightened to open up to anyone again.
I’m in a abusive marriage, all is correct 500%, however the part about there driving skills… got me in tears. I remember 8 months pregnant with my first baby… he drove extremely dangerous. I was convinced I’ll not survive, because this chase went for 40 min coming from NY to NJ on the turnpike. Thanks for sharing this program.
Sending you love and hope .
"My definition of greatness is humility, self-awareness, compassion, and empathy" that's very powerful. Redefinining greatness in that way is very powerful
You should read Ashtavakra Gita
I wish I knew ALL this before I was sucked in. At least that relationship taught me to love myself 100%.
Well said
25:39 Mind Blown! "(Relationships with a Narc) it's like baking a cake without flour, eggs, or sugar-it's not going to work" Best line ever!
👍
Dr Ramani is a wonderful person a angel to us for helping us on youtube channel to help us figure out narcissist people and relationships in our live .she help me understand and leave my narcissistic boyfriend of 22 years ...great show again thank you for your platform and so many interesting guess on your show
This is a complex study and I have always been attracted to Narcissistic people. My mother is a narcissist and I finally learned what it was and could spot them a mile away until I met a covert one. This led me down another path of understanding and it was a shock to me, that I feel for one again. I am doing deep self inquiry to see how I am attracting this and how to release it.
Same here.. i thought i knew how to spot them after growing up with a father and a grandmother like that.. albeit different types of narcissist
Hi could you share a few experiences of narcissistic mother? I believe my mother was the same. If a girl is controlling is that sign of narcissism? Calling her at 6:30 am time to go to work or leave work at 3:30pm. She would get mad if I didn't call her. What else should I look for thank you. 🙏🏼
Protect this woman at all costs. ❤
I burst out crying when she started talking about gaslighting. I know it's happening, but my partner is accusing me of doing it, it drives me crazy. I make recordings to listen to myself later so I know I'm not crazy.
Helpful could be writing a secret online diary - to remember clearly what happened.
For the fact that he is able to say he was a sore loser proves he is a humble guy that learns. He is authentic person.
I noticed that it was my "wear my heart on my sleeve" kind of attitude and my natural empathic nature that was the thing that drew narcissists my way. When I stopped showing my "true self" and gave the impression that I dont really go out of my way for people (even though I do, but for certain people only now a days) I can generally fly pass their radar and pinpoint who the narcissists in the room are. Now its the other empaths in the room (who haven't learned to NOT be so open about their empathy) who are approached by them instead of me. I can only pray that the other empaths learn how to do the same to avoid unnecessary grief ♥️ Poker face is key.
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This is why I entirely changed my online dating bio. They were flying towards me.
I tell my six year old grandson “you don’t have to be the best, just do your personal best and that’s always good enough”
That’s so lovely ❤
Grew up with narc parents & went trough on a few abusing and destructive relationships. I'm 24 years old. After figuring out the toxic narratives and patterns, I feel much more free. My real life starts from now... Virtual hugs sent to you all!
Bravo great comment!!
@@denisehoffman2817 💖
@@anna-torok same here!!! I think a lot of sensitive empathetic empath children who came from abusive narcissistic parents attracts similar patterns in relationships because it's familiar. When we know better we do better and can break the cycle. It illuminates how we need to go within and meet our own needs with self love to remember our worthiness.
Anxious attachment in child hood.. True. My husband received very inconsistent care and love in childhood. I see why he is what he is now. But as adults when we realise, we have a choice to amend our behaviour. He is a bad driver 100%. Person sitting with feel unsafe. Constantly competing with anyone and everyone in road.
Speaking from an older retiree, in our relationships we knew something was terribly wrong with the marriage. But we didn’t have a word for it. Now we do. The same with gaslighting. Unfortunately, what was ‘wrong’ with the relationship more often than not was determined to be the wife.
Lol
I have learned so much from her. Left my narcissist almost 2 months ago, no contact. It has been hard at times but all of her videos have helped me navigate so much better.
2 months no contact here also I feel so much better already.
same here!