Why We Think We Are Losers (But Actually Aren't)
Many of us are haunted by a harsh inner critic: one who is particularly fond of telling us that we are a loser. Here’s why such a critic exists - and how we can silence them.
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“Some of us are continually haunted by a sense that we are losers. Acquaintances may speak well of us. Colleagues may praise us, but there is an inner critic inside who has a very different verdict: you are a piece of nonsense, you are laughable, you are repulsive. This critic is extremely assiduous and determined, they are a world champion of sorts. They’ll get into an argument with our best friend to insist that no, despite what they think, we really are awful; they’ll disregard the evidence of a promotion or surprise birthday party and keep returning to the same theme: you are repulsive…”
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You can't be a loser unless you're competing. The reason we feel like a loser is because we compare ourselves to others to see how we measure up, and there's always going to be someone who has more than you in some regard. When we see life as a competition between ourselves and others, that's when we feel like a loser. You don't have to be a winner or a loser. Don't compete. Don't compare. Just accept yourself as you are and live YOUR life, not someone else's... and don't worry about the judgments of others.
At the end of the day, the only person you're competing against in life is yourself. If you set expectations of *yourself* and fail to at least try to achieve them, then I'm sorry to say that you are *indeed* a loser.
@@RobertFalconer1967 That's just mean and untrue
Whewwww I had to gasp after the first sentence. That’s a word indeed 🤝🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 Well put
This is my conclusion, too. Even if we live in a world where competition is valued
Don’t forget that school mates who bully you relentlessly during your formative years can cause this too. And it’s hard to overcome even with the best parents and positive reinforcement at home.
Actually, it depends on how the person have the idea of that attachement ! 💡 Honestly, I really don’t care ! I have more things to do that I want in my life so I don’t pay attention for all those things !
Bullies are not mates
Yes, it's too simplistic to blame mum and dad.
@@Samuel-bg7xo well, for me, it was definitely my parents lol they tried, but they didn't have the right stuff - so they used the wrong stuff
Ironically, I read in The Guardian that people who were bullies as children go on to have very successful careers and greater success in relationships than their bullied counterparts who tend to be less successful in life and often suffer from depression. The world is not a just place is it. BTW, WE (the human race) make it unjust, not some inviolate law of nature like gravity. Perpetrators and Victims simultaneously, forever and ever, like a boot smashing us in the face for all time.
I feel like a loser because I am 62 and have never had a proper career. I raised a child with autism and he needed me 24/7. My ex’s career went on and he’s done very well. I also had perfectionist parents who acted as if every infraction was a mortal sin. At my age I shouldn’t still feel like this.
Interesting. Because raising an autistic child is a great feat and nothing to be ashamed of. I look at you in admiration at what you’ve chose to do. You’re a true champion. Also what I am interested in knowing is, who made you feel like you needed a career to be successful?
You succeeded in raising a child with autism and supported your ex in his career. To some degree he owes you for that as he didn’t have to shoulder the majority of the burden of raising the child he fathered. To some degree, his success is your success.
You're not a loser, your kid is
@@Douglas77755 my family is very competitive and trophies and success is considered the most important thing. I appreciate your kind words. I have never been told that by my immediate family.
Its in the way you think. Just take the last sentence you said. Totally unnecessary. There are millions of people at your age that feel like you do. Should they, or shouldn't? The world "should" shouldn't even enter your mind in that context. You draw arbitrary requirements for yourself so you can fail to meet them.
I've just begun to stop hating myself... it's amazing to realize how much of my life has been self-sabotaged or broken because I hated myself so much. What's really helped is truly, objectively looking at the love of family/friends. The past year I've come to like myself so much more than I ever have. Thank you you to this channel.
Let's gooo
True confidence is knowing your limitations and being at peace with yourself for them.
True and that’s a fact !
But that does not equal confidence, it means you just know who you are.
@johndavies7626 confidence isn't deluding yourself into believing something about yourself. it's about experience.. Confident people know themselves and don't get injured out of pride.
I agree, but I’ll also add that a large part of confidence comes from competence. If you’re a competent public speaker, chances are you’re good at it. You may have been good at it first, or the other way round, but they both feed one another. As you say, knowing your limitations (or being aware of shortcomings and or strengths) and getting rid of the ego, in my opinion, is the quickest way of becoming competent and therefore, confident.
@soldierside365 what the world lacks is a someone with a good word of encouragement
Don’t forget mean siblings can cause low self-esteem.
Absolutely. Over time, abuse by a Narcissistic sibling can strip you of your identity. You heal way later than you should.
Still not healed. I hear his voice when I dress, walk, look in the mirror. I hear my brother calling me a nerd. Dad just said I didn’t have any common sense. But bro never held back.
mean siblings don't just grow in a vacuum. i'd guess something else was happening in that household - or wasn't happening that should've been happening
It will pass and they gonna be your most imporant ppl in ur life
@@armita7215 I’m 54. Pass? When? I avoid him. Me and sis do great, though.
I have been dealing with self hatred since I was a child, and hearing those words of encouragement made me tear up. Thank you.
"better some answer than a void" uuuuuh that hits hard.
especially with the imagery of the ill-fitting puzzle piece. The answer doesn't belong there, and may even bend and damage surrounding puzzle pieces, but it's better than nothing according to adolescent brains
This week I asked myself sincerely "What happens if the people you want to prove wrong view you as an idiot? Do you get no food? Less money? Are you kicked out of your house? Do people throw tomatoes on you when you go out?"... Apart from finding a partner and finding a job, it really doesn't matter if people don't talk positively about you and say you're an idiot. This was very liberating.
The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts: therefore, guard accordingly, and take care that you entertain no notions unsuitable to virtue and reasonable nature. Marcus Aurelius
This. As much as life sucks at times, you need to always be a good friend to yourself. Of course the more you got screwed over in the past, the longer the journey of healing yourself with positive thoughts. Don't expect things to change overnight. It's like going to the gym everyday to get physically healthy - go to the "mental gym" and keep being positive/constructive towards yourself. And at somepoint, that becomes your way of thinking.
@@uafiewnthank you friend 🫂
it's also important not to blame yourself for having those negative thoughts in the first place
@@TheEnergizer94 true
Basically everything everywhere about everyone boils down to their childhood and relationship with parents.
One of the things that would boost my self-esteem immediately and allow me to feel like a capable adult is literally having enough money to buy a house whenever. I feel like what really makes someone a capable adult nowadays is how much money you have because everything is so fucking costly right now.
my goals align strickly with my career after having used so much energy developing dead-end friendships. The return is so far acceptable. Financial freedom I can forsee will be as "boosting" as you say.
It’s a lot tougher now. Be kind to yourself.
it helps a lot. but it's not everything
If you ain't rich, you ain't nothin'. 💪😎✌️ That's how society rolls, and it's how it's always been. Only now, in 2024, there are EIGHT billion people on the planet instead of a whole helluvalot less. Every day that goes by means you're further away from becoming part of the successful, triumphant elite (the wealthiest). For some, they'll never achieve this; they weren't born to be leaders.
i had money, i had the house, a decent one! 4 bedrooms, pool, ten person sauna, enough undercover parking for several cars on a quarter acre block, two cars, a daily and a nice flashy sports car.... from someone that has had all the stuff that everyone thinks they need in life.. money isnt everything, and it wont make you happy. I know it might certainly feel like such a bullshit thing to say, but nobody ever feels like they are where they really wish they were. Life is suffering, but heres the thing... You get to choose your suffering! choose wisely..
As someone who felt like this for a long time because I had a parent who constantly compared me to my family members-I have to tell you this video speaks volume. A few years back I came to the conclusion that no matter what I did it was never good enough and that was ok. As long as you love yourself and are compassionate to yourself that’s all that matters.
Well, for me, my inner critic was matched by plenty of real-world critics. I must be tough to still be around.
Yes i think if enough people criticise me, they cant all be wrong, so it must be me
hmmmm i usually get praise from my peers. it's just hard to believe they're not just being polite lol
I don't know you personally but I've heard that we tend to latch onto external things that confirm beliefs we have about ourselves and filter out the ones that don't match what we already believe.
@@user-rh3io5qz5cYes this sounds like confirmation bias in action.
It could be confirmation bias. But some things might also be true. That's not to say you are a bad person though. You may just have some not so great characteristics, which can be changed. You can always change and improve and evolve, no matter who or where you are in life. This video kinda makes it seem like we are all great and just victims of circumstance. Which is partly true. But I like to believe life happens *for* you, not to you. Everything, even the most terrible, is an opportunity to learn and grow. All it takes is a bit of a shift in perspective.
I feel like this all the time. I really needed that. I am an autistic person and I always felt the need to perfect things and would get upset over one slip up.
Yes. Same
I KNOW that any other person with my life would get nothing but compassion and understanding from me. I simply can’t allow myself the same grace. That voice inside me has also been the primary driving force for a lot of accomplishments. Its part of me. It tortures me, but also pushes me to esteemable moments.
Stumbled across this video at random, and after reading vast majority of the comments. I must say "thank you, to everyone ". Each and every last one of you 💯💝🥰❤ . We're all humans at the end of the day, navigating through this thing called life. One's success doesn't necessarily mean that should be your path or timing. So I'm going to end it with a quote. "Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always."-(They say Robin Williams said this. But, nobody is for certain)... 😅
Sometime its the lack of appreciation one wanted and when we didn't got, instead got compared to others, we always felt that we are not as good as we think it is. We have to be our own cheerleader in life, people may come and go! This is what I am at least trying to practise!
"Discipline. Consistency. Deadlines. Creativity. Reflection. Repeat." --an award-winning artist 🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
Another reason for feeling like a loser, that this video didn't cover, is comparison. I'm 24 right now, and I try to keep in mind I still have plenty of time to get to my biggest goals in life, but when I hear about girls even younger than me having already achieved most of my goals before they're even my age (advanced college degrees, amazing careers, married with kids, etc) that's when I feel like I'm falling behind. Watching other people in your age range be much more successful and advanced than you can make you feel like a loser, not everything stems from childhood trauma.
I feel you. I had a caar crash and have life long pain and mobility issues. |It;s okay...but i used to have a career and a future, now i feel i am being passed. Take care JustJayPee.
(I'm sorry in advance for any misspells of my english for it's not my first languaje) Yeah, I'm 24 too, just starting the career I wanted. But sitting next to adolescents of 18 years old makes me think "who will they be when they have 24 years old like me? Why would I spend so much time studying this, meanwhile they will have so so much knowlage to start with when they have my age?" I mean, how would I compete with someone who has so much time to keep up than me, yk... and then I try to remember that I actually spend those years between 18-24 and they weren't steel from me. So, what was I doing when I was their age? Surely not studing, maybe just wasting my time going arround. So how do I cope with this feeling? How do I gain a sense of "I'm doing it the right way, what I'm doing it's worth my time". I don't know. Really don't know. And it haunts me every day. So, if you wanted to know if there was someone worse than you, here I am.
Comparison is the thief of joy! I've stopped comparing myself to others, knowing that the path to success is very different for everyone, and that "success" means something different for everyone. Every time you catch yourself comparing, say that their path isn't your path. (L)
Strangely (?) I became more ok with myself when I compared. The issue was who to compare to.
Yes, but why do you feel the need to compare yourself to others? That anxious fantasy may well have its roots in childhood. One of the points in the video is that children have no tools to work out what is happening to them and so they react as they can; that is the trauma.
You've really struck a nerve. I'm 65 yrs old & your video has brought me to tears. Evidentally, I need to work on my self-worth, telling the little child within that i am okay the way i am, that i have a right to my feelings, that i am not unloveable. Thanks for helping me focus on the need.
Thank you ❤ Today’s particularly tough and having self doubt and this is what exactly I needed. Hope this blesses a lot more people who needs to hear this today.
Who I am and who I want to be cannot connect.
Love the NF reference
Some are born to succeed, and thus, they will no matter what they do or do not do. Others are not, and once again, their actions won't really matter.
Great insights on silencing the inner critic. One effective method entrepreneurs can apply is the 'five why's' technique-keep asking 'why' to each answer to drill down to the root cause of self-criticism, which can often reveal underlying fears that can be addressed more constructively.
Thank you for this. Personally, I do not feel like a loser, but only recently I realized that I keep distance from people because of how much I suffered as a kid because of my mother's insanity and my terrible experiences in school... It's weird when something so obvious about ourselves goes unnoticed for so many years.
winning involves ego and ego diminish compassionateness, therefore here i am as a brilliant loser, who am I if I got nothing to lose?
If you've nothing to lose, then you're merely a spectator.
@@Novastar.SaberCombat it was rhetorical, but I do see a lot of fruitless conflicts, meaningless dilemmas and lost hopes. Maybe I'm a mere spectator, and I'll take it as a compliment.
I often start these videos with curiosity and a desire to learn. By the end I feel seen as a person and have a desire to cry. These videos are powerful indeed. Thank you, school of life.
Don’t let others tell you what you can’t do. Don't let the limitations of others limit your vision. If you can remove your self-doubt and believe in yourself, you can achieve what you never thought possible.
If it's that easy for you, you should be endlessly grateful. Most of us aren't that lucky. My self-doubt has been crippling me for the last 47 years, and the more I'm working on it, the worse it gets.
I really needed this today. Perfect timing. I greatly appreciate all your videos! Thank you infinity times! Greetings from Miami, Florida!
I recently a year ago experienced trauma after an unkind breakup. After searching for help on KZhead from videos like these noticed I had a habit of putting myself down, and speaking unkindly to myself. I also noticed that my mother did the same, and would also put me down at times. I started speaking encouragingly to myself and stopped putting myself down. I also told my mother not to put herself down, and not speak down to me. I have noticed that the behaviour has stopped, and I also now call people out and tell them that I won't be spoken harshly to. It may be a bit intimidating at first, but I find it greatly improves self esteem and inner calm. Treat yourself well, and expect to be treated well by others.
4:14 yes, it makes me cry. Thank you dear de Botton and team. 🙏
I don’t believe I suck, despite people berating me. I believe they suck to be so negative and hateful.
Very true.
Abandoned by my father and constantly reminded, neglected by my mother in desperation of men, and the death of my step dad in front of us, plus a shit ton of other stuff, was too much for me not to protect myself that way. I will say this with therapy and going back and healing yourself, ty mushrooms, you can recover. The critic will always be there but much quieter and less often
Alain de Boton is such a gift to the world and one of my favorite philosophers... his content has gotten me through many crises for years now. From the bottom of my heart - thank you!
this channel never fails to upload videos at the right time that i needed it the most
Wow... I needed therapy like this while I took care of my mother. Thanks for the video!
Even as a child, I don't ever recall taking personal responsibility for my parents unhappy marriage and automatically telling myself it was my fault and therefore I'm bad. Instead, I tried my best to 'fix' the situation by being Mr. Perfect (to not make the circumstances already harming me even worse), and also by becoming the unofficial marriage guidance counsellor & otherwise general support person to the entire family. No, all the inner critic stuff came later when my other parents (society) told me I was disgusting because I was (still am I'm afraid), gay. My real parents were far from perfect (are any?), but they were just the opening act to my de facto society ones... But as it says, time to let that all go...and time to let my inner critic go too. I'm not bad...and I never was. All I ever actually was, was damaged...by ALL my parents in combination, not just by my biological ones. I think, perhaps, I'm finally on the road to my recovery...
I had a pretty rough childhood. And it wasn't until I became an adult, and went to therapy. That I learned by genetics we do still carry a fiber of both parents. Psych wise and in physical features. But, at the end of the day, "we are not are parents". And we/you should no longer continue, to carry the burden bestowed onto us!. Learning that in therapy, has helped me to some degree.
Weeks ago, I made my new I.D. document, in which I stated that I do approve the donation of internal organs if I may be dead. After a couple of days, I felt down and worthless, like almost the time I am, and I tought that I'm such a piece of s*it the hospital has to remove the organs from me right now and without any kind of anesthetic, leaving myself dying of torture. I always said that I'm ugly, stupid, antisocial, inept. That day I almost started to cry right after thinking that bad thing about myself, but not a tear dropped off my eyes. In that exact moment I promised I'd never talk badly about myself again: I was really angry because of all that perverted mechanism I was subjugated that made me feel like that. Still, I am angry not because I am recalling that moment - by the way this is the first time I write or talk about this episode of my life - but because in every second of my days after that breakdown, I acknowledge how limitated I was in studying, speaking with other people and basically in doing things, just because I didn't feel enough. It's not that now is simplier getting a girlfriend, a good grade at the exams, but for example if I see a girl I've always liked with a guy who's a douchebag and even not so handsome, I don't think I am a piece of shit because I am inferior since she didn't choose me (even because I never tried to approach her since I was also very shy), but I am angry because I should have been at least trying; also if there's an exam which is said to be very difficult among the other students, I once was scaried about that but now I am giving a chance to study it with calm. I am angry because of how this mental complex and the subsequent lack of self-esteem made me waste years of my life and most of all it precluded me lots of beautiful experiences. I just wanted to talk about the consequences of those bad and false inner voices. Hope there're not any mistakes regarding the grammar of my comment and also I hope someone appreciates that, thank you.
Thank you giovanni. I feel the same . I will copy your comment in my diary
Thanks for sharing this. That took courage and honesty. Appreciate it. Wish you well.
Thank you for uploading this video!
WoW! I really loved this one. Especially the metaphor of letting the inner critique float away like a note in a bottle. That is is a very good example.
This, absolutely. I just fear that, like riding a bike, it can't be unlearned, only made unsteady with wine.
You are screwed for life. Sure you can learn new thought patterns etc etc but you will never eradicate it. Probably where the idea of generational curses and so forth came from.
@@sdrawkcabUKand who are you to say such things? Put a smothering thought into another’s head out of what? I can tell you as a trauma specialist that we are incredibly resilient, nothing is set in stone, and we can track growth on multiple planes with imaging technology if it’s not enough to you to just believe those who describe how they found their way say.
@@thereligion4169 Of topic. Have you done research on ketamine treatment for trauma? It looks really promising.
@@sdrawkcabUK Prove your claim.
@@thereligion4169 i was trying to follow what you wrote, but do you need medical attention?
I struggle with this one, thank you ❤
Such an awesome way to view our inner mechanics. Forgivness is key!
This film is massive for the the South Asian community! Never seen anything like this in Hollywood (talkkng about stereotype taxi indian driver here). Dev had loads of issues with production, covid, budgets & still got it to cinemas. Some of the interviews he did talks about it. Can't wait to watch it!
This video came at an absolute perfect time in my life
The question is why are these type of videos always refer with people with careers and that work in offices?
SOMEthing has to help carry the chosen narrative, lol.
😂
LOL
Thanks. I really needed that ❤
2:59 "Better to insist that one sucks than to have to believe in an amoral chaotic senseless universe" Because assigning blame gives you understanding, and assigning it to yourself gives you control (both things we crave in all aspects of life), or at least the illusion of having those things. I feel the way out of that is a change of perspective, realizing full control is impossible, and ignorance is (to some extent) something we all need to deal with (omniscience is not a human trait).
Thanks school of life, videos are soothing and insightful, and provide much needed sustenance in this starved world
I needed to hear this. Thank you. Here's to hoping my show goes well.
My inner critic does something invaluable for me: it offers a complete, unsympathetic evaluation of my failures. It provides me ample situational examples where others do far better even in much more complex or daunting situations. It lets me ruminate and determine situations where I should apply more effort or simply remove myself to prevent further damage or distress. No one else is as well equipped to condemn my thoughts and motives, nor do they have the time. No one else has the bandwidth to even notice, much less remember, what I or anyone else says or does unless it's especially heinous or impactful. Why would I dismiss the only comprehensive critic that I have, however biased it may be?
I like this more positive take on such an aspect of personality. It can be important to listen to yourself even when self-help culture itself can give you the impression that it's not a trustworthy voice in your head among the others. Though, I think the reason you might want to dismiss it in some way would be so that you actually recognize your successes. One might fall into the trap of thinking that something that could be done better wasn't already done well.
Psychopaths and sociopaths feel nothing about the world. The rest of us suffer because we feel it all. In sport they say that it's not who wins or loses that's important but the taking part. Thats why nobody remembers who came second. But on the positive side, a nice person once said that its not what you say that people remember but how you make them feel about themselves. In life a smile and a kind word go a long, long way.
I took nearly 60 years to find out I wasn't the error in the system. But the good news is that only that early assumption got me to where I am now. Having spent my whole life improving I can only smile at the daily challenges that make other people despair.
For every trait, there is an upside... trying harder to be "good" does have its rewards. I've "made it" and have lots of varying skills as well as financial success, but still feel terrible.
@@spinnetti Maybe being a little proud of what you achieved would help?
This can be true, but some people feel like losers and are rational in their assessments. There's a beautiful song in the show Hazbin Hotel, "Loser, Baby," that has the following lines: 'There was a time I thought that no one could relate/To the gruesome ways in which I'm damaged." Later it goes "It's time to lose your self-loathin'/Excuse yourself, let hope in." So many of us, when we look at our lives, do consider ourselves losers, and saying "you're wrong," isn't always correct. Sometimes what we need to remember is we're not the only person in this situation, and maybe we can do better.
Great video. Thank you 🙏
During my whole childhood I was the target of bullying. In the eyes of others I was never good enough. Now as an adult I tried it overcome those feelings and find new friends. But it is very hard. The few friends I have are in relationships and don't seem to have time. Every time I receive a No, the feeling feeling of not beeing worthy to spend time with comes up again. And I fall in the same mechanism I learned as a child: Hiding and withdrawing.
Education and Environment both are responsible for the way we think. Explained very well mate! We are programmable beings.
I love that you guys dontt blame it all one someone specific or at parents, stuff happened and you can say it as it is..
i don’t think of myself as a loser but people have been calling me a loser since i was a child. i think society has a “loser” problem and community is a win.
My therapist explained the exact same thing described in this video. After the 14th session, I myself came to the conclusion that I may be a narcissist because of how I tend to externalise my inner critic's toxicity by deeply focusing onto other people's imperfections. I pointed out the imperfections of my ex which today I deeply regret doing and I still keep thinking about the imperfections of other people who are close to me. In my next session with my therapist, I plan to read to her what I wrote on why I feel like I'm a narcissist and why I developed this habit of looking for the imperfections of others. I believe it's a way to shield me from confronting this harsh reality that I am imperfect myself in many aspects and protecting me from my reflecting on my interpersonal interactions.
interesting perspective, thank you for sharing, it helped me in a situation I'm going through 😊 I hope you feel better about this soon ✨ keep working on yourself 🙌♥️
i am similar. and to different degrees, most people are like that - this is why daytime/drama entertainment is so popular. but having that level of insight might already disqualify you from being a complete narc🤷♂
Nice insight! Glad therapy is helping
I think this is normal for people with high inner-critic. People who are close to you, people who you value are almost like extension of yourself, so it's not surprising the critic would turn on them.
Do you feel that behind your habits, at your core, you have disdain for others and/or lack an appreciation for the way others are?
Dear school of life I wish those videos for once would stop using the “parent left, parent hit me, sibling dies” extreme examples. There is also us, who grew in seemingly normal families and suffered as well.
+1
Totally, and the parent example is never the only factor either
Agreed that's not always the case for habitual self criticism. Sometimes it's simply a person's brain chemistry being too picky or perfectionist, or other malfunctions. Sometimes it's how a kid fared in school or in their neighborhood. Whatever the reason, recognizing self abandonment and installing positive responses to better directions is the task for evolving one's life.
So there was never an occurrence where your parent hit you?)
Totally agreed. I grew up with a very loving and supportive family. The only troubling thing I've experienced in my childhood was interaction with my peers. I've always felt like an outcast. It felt like everyone read a manual on socialising and I didn't. I'm better now as an adult, but I still don't totally "fit in" with the crowd.
I've honestly felt this way throughout decades of life overall
Thank you for this🥺
My childhood has been well explained in this video. I am writing a story about it. It’s very critical in one’s development. Achieved a lot but I still feel like a loser.
Thank you so much for this❤
Not everyone who has this inner critic issue grew up in a troubling household. I grew up with a very good family structure with lots of support and love. Yet I still have this issue with an inner critic. I feel that this resulted from interactions with my peers in school. I wasn't necessarily bullied because I used to defend myself if anyone tried. But I never really got along with many of my peers. I always felt like an outcast or weird compared to most people. Everyone else seemingly got the manual for socialising that I didn't get.
The ending is just 👌🏻👏🏻💜
Great message.
I love your work! ❤
What made me feel like a loser was the grades and results I have achieved all the time. Even at nearly achieving my masters, I still envy others who gained better grades than me even at this stage.
My husband died and I've never had luck at relationships since. My mom and my sister killed themselves and I have stupid cancer at 41 and can't seem to just get right. I have consistently dropped a level of comfortable living and I feel like no matter how hard I work I cannot get ahead. I feel like I'm honestly meant to suffer... or as I euphemistically reframe it, get a lot of character building experiences ..
I'm kinda feeling in between "doing my best to stop loathing myself, be proud of myself and having more self-esteem" VS "I am lacking and somewhat a loser, and not successful, because I'm 28 almost 29 and not fully 100% financially independent, as I still get support from my parents". I really want to become totally independent to the point I wouldn't need help from anyone and be fully happy and fulfilled by myself only, but in this actual economy, it's so hard to earn good money unless you become a corporate work culture slave and work yourself to death, which I definitely don't want.
It can be so difficult to accept that we didn't get what we needed in childhood. This very situation may cause us to view people as either good or bad, and we seldom want to view our parents as bad. But learning what was missing and giving it to ourselves now can help us to accept that nobody has to be good or bad, that we all have the potential to help and harm, and that we can live meaningful, fulfilling lives without blaming ourselves or others.
Basically, if you weren't born into coin, connections, crews, clout, computer code, control, communities, and opportunities... it's super hyper unlikely that you'll end up on the opposite end of the playing field (the WINNING side) later on. Birth and environment equate to how achievements and death will play out. Yes, there are rare exceptions, but it's close to one in eight billion, and that probably ain't you! 💪😎✌️
this video is amazing thank you so much
Thank you ❤
I love this channel!
Most importantly: don't reduce your value to work. The idea that you contribute to society. You ARE society, your own happiness is valuable, it as the goal of society. Meditate until you can feel unapologetcally happy, no matter how many (spelling) mistakes you make
still strange to transition away from totally sucking or feeling a complete loser as an adult. instead of saying all of me sucks, it's now certain situations or things i say that eat at me later little by little. THAT sucked or i could've said it better in THAT situation. it's no longer a totality but still not tossed aside. you have to be aware of it on some level to hopefully improve your situational awareness or collapse all cares from moment to moment. not sure if i'm ready to feel nothing in that context. the cool, calm, person we see in others are exceptions to the rule or limited to the time we spend with them and seems like a proper strength you don't have. the tearing down and building up is exhausting, and feels like i can only witness it rather than have control.
My new insult to throw off my enemies - “You are a piece of nonsense”
For me it was neither my mom nor my sister they are the best family ever and always hype me up and make feel loved, my childhood bully who degraded me literally from 2nd grade to 7th grade made me so so insecure about myself that now even though I am in 12th grade now I still have bouts of self consciousness and feel like nothing.
I still have these voids from things that have happened also as an adult. Why this, why that.
試過就好 每個人都有自己的路要行 際遇不同 亦不用強求 盡力而為 🙏🏻
perfect timing was just beating myself up about the sheer inadequacy of my contribution to existence
Superficially my childhood looked "normal." However, my father was very often gone for his job. My mother was overwhelmed with caring for a house, a husband and five children. I believe a "normal" childhood is one of not enough attention from anyone. The childhood scenario generally presented as "normal" is not really very normal at all.
Why did you have to go and make me cry? Make me think about my younger self trying to make sense of a senseless world 😢
I have come to understand why I'm not a loser and why it used to feel like that earlier. Whatever in this video I've already understood most of it. But I want to know who is behind this channel who is that human, the mature and the genius? ❤❤❤❤
Alain de Botton
Indeed it's helpful and I am subscribing for more!✌
I don't hate myself, but I take for granted that a certain percentage of the people around me will instinctively dislike me. At age 69 I still have a very hard time trusting other people.
This video made me tear up
@2:59 - This right here.
When I was 7 whenever my dad went on a business trip (high officer coastie) my mom would try to commit suicide, and I’d find her and have to get the neighbors to call 911. It was tough. Ofc since I was in kid mode I thought it was my fault. I’ve been stupidly self critical and avoided intimacy with girls at a laughable degree, to the point people think I’m gay even though a real relationship with a girl is all I’ve ever really wanted. I’m a musician and novelist now, and hope to tell the story so kids with similar thoughts/feeling can see they’re not alone and there’s a way out. It’s the least I can do.
I'd like to read your story if it's ever published ❤
Me too!!
Thank you.
This is exactly the sort of thing that someone who knows I'm a piece of excrement would say: finding me at my lowest, they must throw scraps of encouragement at me in order to build up another cliff to gleefully push me off of. If I didn't deserve to feel this way, I would have figured that out by now
"someone who knows I'm a piece of excrement" Bit harsh?! Don't.. don't describe yourself that way, bud. Even if you're trying to be funny or self-deprecating
I almost envy this stance. I've had depression since childhood, but... There's not much in the way of trauma that I could point to, really. But I do actually fail to measure up right now, as my body and mind are slowly failing, have for my whole life but now that I've passed 30-- what should still be quite young, but I don't really expect to see my 50th birthday... I'm not saying that mental illness or mental blocks like this are *easy,* I have both and they're very much not. But I wish it was *only* that. It's harder to argue with the inner critic when they actually have a point.
You have to perceive and accept reality on realities terms
I have empirical evidence that I'm a loser. It's just the way it is. I haven't decided this for myself, and no one has.
Nailed it.
Nicely done.😊
Failures in competitive exams have made me a loser. I've developed a very bad attitude towards life!
I had a very loving father and mother growing up, and I think I'm a loser.
Yeah, this video kinda just blames it all on your parents/traumatic childhood events. Pretty narrow explanation imo. I most feel like a "loser" when I hear about girls younger than me getting degrees, having stellar careers, getting married, and having kids. Comparison is a common reason for feeling like you're not achieving much.
Well intention parents can still do wrong, same with well intentioned teachers, employers, or friends. Sometimes it is no ones fault. But, just because something was done to us, someone else's fault or not doesn't mean it is our fault either or that we should let it hold us back by saying "I did this" rather than "this happened."
it can go the other way. they took your independence by smothering you.
you pick up more than just what they say and how they treat you. you also pick up what they say and how they treat themselves. some parents could love their kids so much that they shelter them too much and now they don't feel prepared to be an independent adult
Talk about being about to relate. I feel like my face should be plastered on those faceless animations.