Defy the Narcissistic Rule That Love Means Being Helped Up
Today's video addresses how the child of a narcissistic parent may learn to equate love with being helped off the ground. Next, I will examine the lasting impacts of this strategy on the survivor's relationship with others and themselves. Third, I will describe what is needed to find it safe to feel empowered and close to others. Throughout I will provide case examples to illustrate.
A link to my new free e-book:
4 Ways to Heal for Scapegoat Survivors
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Growing Up as the Scapegoat to a Narcissistic Parent: A Guide to Healing
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This is the core of my issue! I have a ton of academic degrees, am highly skilled and have a “fear” of working that feels like life or death. I’ve been sabotaging in my career my entire life (and receive a ton of love and admiration from the toxic parents whenever I’m physically sick or need significant help). Thanks for this video!
@@sage9836 yes they treat us like the “baby” (extremely infantilizing/patronizing)!
Do you mean u r respected & able to keep a job but u still feel fear?. Because really damage people could have gotten sabotage their whole life at work places without being able to do good at any job & keep it because they r so damage they dont have the availability to be respected by anyone, so they cant keep their jobs.
Oooooof. Are we the same person?
Me too! 😢
wow spot on 😢
I finally understood why the scapegoat would retaliate. Because even if you don't fight back they'd seek to destroy you by lies and abuse and there is no end to it. All the scapegoats in this world who reads this, i am extremely sorry for you because i know exactly how painful this is on all levels.
Narcissistic parents need to be needed, even though they often hate the responsibilities of parenthood. Actually, they simply like feeling superior. I don't think my father liked being needed because he hated being a responsible father. He just wanted to be a petty dictator.
Same. My dad radiated with the energy that no one was allowed to be better than him. And even envious coworkers from his old job would take their animosity on me once upon a time for how vitriolic he was in the past. He definitely didn't want to be a dad, especially not for me.
Well said! They need to be needed but also hate the actual responsibilities of parenthood! They want it to “seem like” they are helping when really they often putting in the minimum to help.
Love DOES mean being helped up. You know, it just doesn't mean being shoved down and then being helped up.
I think what he’s saying is a relationship shouldn’t just be one way - that you only get love when you’re down. You should also get attention when you’re doing well. If the love is conditional on the child being in need (ill or weak) they can’t become independent.
Exactly! They shovel you down in order to look like a helpful angelic parent when they help you up. And the next horrific thing is that they are parallelly weaving stories about why you fell and tell those to others while you’re helpless and they are helping you. It’s two-faced and mean and simply sick. In its worst form its Munchhausen syndrome.
Im getting divorced right now from an abusive man, and my narcissistic mom offeted to allow me to move back in with her. Ever since ive been handling the divorce on my own, witnout much help, she took her rage out on me, and cussed me out. Now im no contact, again. Must get away from them all. 🙏🏻 She can't stop gossiping about me!!
Let them talk! Get away from them!
When I was tiny I nearly cut my finger off closing the door. My father, who was mostly not there, raced me to the doctor. Later, he visited me in my room to see how I was, the only time I can remember this happening. My father wasn't a narcissist, but my mother was. I realise now he was absent because he didnt like being around my mother. Being sick became fused with security. I'm a new subscriber, in Australia.
I had a major breakthrough watching this. I realize why I grew up with such a sad facial expression, despite feeling happy inside sometimes. My mother would be mad when I was happy. Growing up I was always top of my class (in Kenyan schools they rank you) and my mum always ignored my achievements. It made me stop trying and I stopped doing my homework. I’m learning more and more how insecure narcissists really are. Thank you for this incredibly insightful video.
On the other hand, my mother would scoff and complain when I was ill, angry I took up her time, regardless of how sick I was
Your perspective, rational yet compassionate approach plus the unique three pillar principles of healing I find exceptionally valuable. You stand out amongst all the professionals speaking on this topic online. Thank you very much for your work. -A scapegoated daughter of narcissistic parents. I’m in recovery and truly living my own best life: imperfect, satisfying, fulfilling, peace-filled.
I share your sentiment and experience. Beautifully said❤
Agreed & likewise!
Support vs Helplesness 💞
That worked for the second oldest in my family. I was #4. If I was in injured or ill, I was dealt with but accused of faking it (broken bones) and wasting their time.
I was the baby in the family and don't recall any care if I was struggling. they had no clue.
I've had a particularly bad Christmas with narcissistic parents. But this time, thanks to watching your vids it's opened my eyes from lifelong abuse and know what's going on, how they work, and I know it's not me or my kids who are the problem, it's the narcissist in the wrong
U will never feel at your best around ur family. This is why is need to stay away. Minize contact. If u r gonna see them; go some other time, not in parties were the trauma get stir & there r other members around. For family gatherings just do calls,videos,mail card/gift sending.
@@LeiraHdezP Thanks, it's horrendous at parties because I now realise I'm being triangulated by more than one close family member, and always have done. I just worried about looking like the bad one if I let them go, and also worried about absolutely having no one in my life
@@graveplacesSympathies, I also struggle with that. If I walk away from the narcs in my life, there’s literally nobody left. I know I’ll end up alone sooner or later, but I’m not in a rush to get there. Nice people make me deeply anxious and uncomfortable, as I’m attuned to chaos, cruelty and dysfunction. Surely complete, permanent isolation can’t be a good thing? A therapist can help, but it’s totally insulting to suggest that someone you can only talk to for 50mins at a time, for a fee, and who never talks back, is an adequate substitute for the life they convinced you to torpedo.
I did become solitary when minimising and eventually terminating contact with my abusive family and I want to let you know I could never have imagined in beforehand how much no contact would change me for the better and give me room to heal. I think we tend to believe we will be more or less the same person after no contact except alone. Instead I rediscovered my enthusiasm and now find it pleasant to be alone, but it took some endurance to get from no contact to here.
@@emil5884 I think it's gonna have to go that way or it's never gonna end
Yes,this is so true. "Moving from needing to exchanging help",what a relief just that sentence felt. I don't know you,but still,you are one of my favorite people on earth!❤
I’ve met those who like feeling needed by their loved ones, and sometimes others.
Just read your book and gave two copies away to my coworkers. I feel blessed to havw had your wisdom in my journey of recovery. I was diagnosed with BPD and think your approach has some very powerful insight towards the development of my symptoms.
My mother made me feel defective but never helped me. She always talked about me behind my back. Teachers doctors family 17:47 and an anonymous postcard telling me to enjoy life bc it's short. When i found out about the behind my back talks it was about her and how she was treated. And she made my perfect 5 years older sibling to parent me by blaming. I was surviving and puzzeling with myself and the world alone
True story I once broke my arm dad yells at me told me to go to my room. It blows up of course.lsnded eight hours later in the er. My dad was pretty much a genius, very manipulative. I was sadden when my arm healed. It was the only time he felt badly for hitting me We all become codependent and lack self love and my input is that my was respecting the abuse his dad gave him my entire life. Our relationship was often a very rocky one It only grew worse and more abusive as he aged
I'm moving out of this dynamic fiercely with my narcissistic parents right now around money - thank You, Jay ❤
So thrilled to see you’ve returned…❤ Thank you 🙏🏻
This resonated with me. I had major spinal surgery in 2009 and my NM was great then. As soon as I recovered she chanted back again. As a kid, I received care when I was ill - some of my warmest memories were following illness or crying. Although sometimes I’d get yelled at for that too. At school if I saw a kid approaching who would tease or bully me, I would literally sit on the ground. Fear ruled my life. Self hatred and disgust too. I felt pathetic and weak. To remedy this I got my blackbelt when I was 18. Even then my CNF/EF would laugh and call them dancing classes. I was never allowed any pride. Or any sense of achievement. I remember the phrase ‘You think you’re cleve young lady?! Well let me tell you…’
Oh no my narcissistic parent seems parasitical looking for all the bad if i dare yawn wrong i keep to my self negative info for fear that parent will embellish on a speck of dust i wont survive their way. I survive by saying totally positive things till they hang up on me
Welcome back! I'm a bit surprised since it's the first time I heard this explanation but it applies so much in my childhood. When I was sick I would be rewarded for it, as if mom wanted me sick (I believe she does) and she would talk about it to her friends on the phone, getting to come across as so involved and caring in the process. Sickening if anything. I've had the strange habit of asking for advice before when it wasn't really needed, now I understand why!
.....there is another way narcissistic parents treat the scapegoat, ingnoring thr child, and the only attention the child gets when the child is made look ridiculous
Glad you got a good break and glad you're back!
You deserve to go viral. You are so worth the wisdom you share Jay
I was allways ignored even when I needed help (especially when I needed help)
Viscerally and somatically I deeply know the experiences that you describe, but you give me words to trully understand. I'm so incredibly grateful to have found you.
I felt the same way. it makes so much sense.
This message is so true and close to my internal pain, that I'm almost unable to face or process. Thank you 💚 😅
I am the scapegoat to narcissistic father & enabling emotionaless mother & there was no compassion when I was ill or struggling with something. I was only seen as a burden they had to endure.
Thanks Jay! Your content is helping me understand SO much.
I can definitely relate to this as the former scapegoat in a narcissistic family
Thank you for sharing this!🙏🏾🙏🏾 I've experienced this adult need to see me as helpless and perpetuate ineffectiveness, and sad to say, as a result, I was doing this to my own adult children. I've made adjustments and am proud I became aware of how I was disempowering them to continue to believe they were defective bc of my own unconscious sense of defectiveness.
Hello Mr. Reid ,thank you so much for a new video, I’ve been waiting for you to drop us another golden egg for a while now and am currently reading your book. I have to say that I have never had a clearer reason as to why I should invest in your course than what recently happened to me being lied to-essentially feeling betrayed by a woman who was my best friend who I thought of as a safe person and come to find out it was all a ruse as it seems now that she has become abusive after having shared many intimate moments together. I feel like such an imbecile and clueless as to how to discern safe people or possible partners(women) from unsafe/toxic women, as you can imagine my abandonment wound is aching right now and experiencing a range of emotions most of which is grieving as if someone I love has passed, this emptiness and betrayal I feel make me feel I can never trust again and just want to run and hide somewhere in shame.
Happy New Year, Jay! Hope you have a very joyful and happy year ☀️ you’re a wellspring of wisdom and delighted you are back :)
That makes a lot of sense to me, I always had to present the the negative I couldn't present confidence or I would be taken down or more humiliated. My sister still does this if I say anything positive she will break out with an insult to me
Oh wow I only recently said all this to myself that I correlate love with being helped. It seemed as long as I was struggling and needed help my mother as the greatest and we were always togther doing things but when I started doing better and able to pay for things and treat her she stopped showing interest in me or my life. And I noticed this trickled down to every relationship I had in my life
If someone needs to be helped up, they need to be helped up. If they don't, they don't... It's not rocket science... It's called empathy.
Similarly- tasking/doing/performing in a role- the only way to not be invisible.
Thank you. Right in time on my recovery from a scapegoat identity.❤
Thank you so much, Jay, for yet another deeply insightful message. I can really identify with the need to risk friendships where equality and mutuality hold sway. It's amazing for me to not feel so alone in such struggles, thanks to you and your messages.
This explains perfectly what I've been coming to realize was defining the way I would relate in friendships. A default setting of presenting as needing of help and always being the less powerful one. I'm embarrassed by this realization but your videos always seem to magically appear to clearly define what I'm tentatively bringing to the forefront at the time. Thank you for all you do. Nice to have you back.
I was just thinking about this.
Very glad that you’re back! And CONGRATULATIONS on having developed this new course! Wonderful!
Thank you, Jay! You have made more of a difference than ANY of the numerous therapists I have seen since the mid-90s.
Thank you Jay Reid. Very grateful to find such dedicated and quality information online. Truly grateful
Well explained
Welcome back Jay. Brilliant 🌟nuggets of truth gained from this video🎞📹So Happy you are back 🤗Thanks again 🙏Have a lovely day further ✨🌟🌈
Glad to 'have you back'!
Jay, this is awesome. I just listened 25 seconds and I'm already blown away by the few written quotes on the video (not including the other videos you've did). Your level of perception is above human. Are you a god or something?
So so good to have you back Jay!! Have missed your weekly videos here in New Zealand 🇳🇿 I have absolutely had this issue of being on the ground within my friendships all through my life. It has been an embarrassment to me actually. Always the one feeling like I needed help to be rescued…. And only feeling secure when I felt insecure
Hello! I’m just back to NYC from a short trip to Hahei beach … so beautiful!!
You are so helpful and so informative. Thank you so much. I think you would be the only person that I would ever consider talking to. You help a lot of people. Thank you for helping me. May god bless you and your family.
I'm a therapist. This stuff can drive you nuts. There used to be a one year off period for priest's. I forget what you call it. Sabbatical maybe.
Thank you
That was my pattern. Thank you.
Thanks so much Jay for all the time and effort you have put into doing this video. I have found out why I act defective continually when people try to care and love me. I will keep listening to this video as I need to see why i behave the way i do. And know i can change. Your videos are such a help ❤
Glad you found the video helpful! Keep watching and believing in your ability to change. Take care!
Rock on Professor
Welcome back..good video and very accurate.
So happy you're back and helpful as always!
I really enjoy your content sir.
Today my granddad passed away, I am beyond heartbroken, and I have received 0 emotional support from my parents, not even a hug, I feel like I am floating in the air and don't know where to turn to. I know I am an adult but literally I feel so empty, Its been like that all my life.
I am so sorry for your grandad Kinga. 😢❤❤❤ Stay strong. Uściski 🤗🤗❤❤❤
@@kobra4422 dziękuje💞thank you
I'm sorry for the loss of your grandad
@@wendybone8104 thank you very much
Turn inward. Breathe.
Thank you 💖 Happy New Year
excellent video, thanks
I love you guys!
Oh yay! New course🎉🎉🎉🎉I need to review the first course now to prep for taking the second 🙏🏼
🎊Happy New Year Jay,🎉 THANK YOU for your great content, keep up the great content😀
Our favorite therapist is back 🍾🍹🥳 I've been reading the book and the free ebook rn! "In healthy relationship you don't feel mandated to always stay on the ground" 🕊🦚
A.S.S. course!!! The only course i want or need!
Most of your videos are awesome. This one is really awesome! Thanks Jay this really hits close to home.
And the only way to really heal and grow up... Is to deny yourself your own parents' help... much as you deserve it. Because the consequences of receiving such help are not worth the asking. Then btw, the parent feels "abandoned" by their own children, after they trained them to never ask them for help. If the help had to be solicited with lots of tears or begging or dire circumstances and compelling them to be your parent... it's not worth the level of grovelling they enjoy seeing in you
Anxitey is hell
i have a question about watching your and other videos over and over again. like a old tv show. i also like the new stuff tho its some sort of comfort or validation i get from watching them multiple times i wonder also if i am like trying to show my self i am not the bad one. or maybe fuelling my own myth? this one and like dr ramani's invisible child ones are some of my favourites. and also trouble leaving youtube channels like daren magee. i sub to him i dont love him i find kinda on harsher side and i still dont unsub. been a sub for like years and i wonder if giving context like this is justifying and or explaining.
My successes always broke connection w FoO. SG was not meant to be the most successful sibling. But acting in success seems off. AND- I may have subconsciously picked up this “helping” behavior with good intentions.
You just knew you weren’t going to get ANYTHING, so don’t even ask. Acted like she only had one child instead of 3. Favoured child turned out to be a total bum.
After reading all of these comments I'm coming to the conclusion that we are overdoing psychology. Our society is getting so messed up by everyone hating on their parents hating on your kids. When everybody's trying to do their best job. What's the internet has come up suicide rate has come up. This is really too much it's breaking up families it's causing suicide.
??