How the scapegoat survivor may confuse badness with realness
The scapegoat child to a narcissistic parent is no stranger to feeling bad. If this form of abuse is chronic and severe enough the child can confuse badness with who they are. After surviving a childhood of narcissistic abuse good feelings may feel inauthentic. There are good reasons for this. In today's video I am going to explain what those reasons are. Next, I describe how the pursuit of an authentic 'bad self' can be compelling but still false. And watch until the end because I lay out the steps to making a good self feel real.
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Some severely narc parent like my mother even turned positive into negative. I loved to read and did well in school. She would acknowledge that I was smart but had to associate my high intelligence with something bad. She accused me of having a big head about it and said that was the reason she had to be harsher to me. Owing to her, I felt like a I had a mean monster living inside of me, that I had to be very careful not to let it loose. She'd needle me until I got angry. Then a eery calmness would come over tight face as she felt she was proven right. It was sheer torture. I felt I was being killed one slice at a time.
“….the narcissistic parent SELECTIVELY responds to these mistakes with scorn and contempt”. During adolescence and young adulthood I would often challenge my mom if I observed her not reacting to a mistake my sister made. This was because my mom would berate me for hours if I offended her. Yet if my sister did the same “offense” my mom would not blink twice. I often told her she treated me differently compared to the rest of my siblings to which she retorted with “I treat all my kids equally”. Her smug smile as she said this only reinforced my belief that she was lying.
You’re not alone in this. I pointed out to my mother that she was unfair to me and played favorites with my younger sister, and she always denied it verbally, but the actions spoke louder than words. My father also seemed to care about my sister’s emotional well-being, but he neglected mine as well as my physical health care, but I was too fearful to say anything to him because he had a hare trigger for his temper, but he had the nerve to call me “short fuse “ whenever I expressed anger. This was in my teens, and I was on steroid medication and those can cause ‘roid rage and teen rebellion is common in most kids, but even so, he was really deflecting one of his biggest character flaws onto me.
My dad would randomly go off on me for hours straight also and he would literally corner me, looking back I realize anyone who could go off on something for hours is pretty much automatically toxic
@@diatribe5 in my case the older siblings are treated better than I am. They say I’m the youngest so I shouldn’t have a problem with that. I’m normally disrespected and demeaned.
I’m sorry to read about your experience. Whoever “they “ are, they don’t get it because they may have had normal upbringings. It can happen to any child in the family, and I wonder if any only children get scapegoated…probably so, because I remember how poorly I was treated before my sister was born and I was the only kid in the family at the time. You probably had to endure being bullied by your parents and older siblings, which is hell. I hope for your sake that you’ll soon be able to go no contact with your toxic family of origin.
Im infuriated for you. What a crock of s***
A scapegoated child has to find a way not to blame the abusive parent, but themselves, for his/her rejection. Otherwise the child would reject the hostile parent and terminate the relationship. Child cannot do it, but adult can!
That is exactly my situation. I cannot seem to accept that I might not have been as bad as I feel. The trauma bond is a very powerful force.
@@nancybartley4610 the first step is to remove yourself from the toxic/abusive environment/family/relationship
@@nancybartley4610 I agree it is.
It took me over 30 years to understand that my narcissistic mother will always find fault with me--the scapegoat--and it's not up to me to change her view. Thankfully, fleeing the nest years prior and depending on friends and colleagues also made me realize I'm actually a great person. My flaws don't define me, and the people who truly appreciate me don't even notice them. And to this day I'm estranged from my parents.
Glad you got away.
The challenge is that there isnt anything real or reasonable about the attacks but it doesnt change the feeling being transferred.
I dont feel close to my parents either
Same here girl! It’s taken me 30 yrs and I’m just at the beginning of my journey. Thank you for sharing & reaffirming healing can happen.
Always so heartening to know Jay profoundly gets it.
The scenario re the job appraisal made me cry! I remember in my first job after college, my boss wanted to speak to me, I was convinced I was automatically in deep shit, guilty of some serious offence yet he actually wanted to offer me a permanent position - how f’d up this all is?!!!! So helpful to process this 30 years later, thank you Jay!
This one really rang true for me. Being authentic was always labeled as bad by my mother. My two youngest sisters picked up on this as well. Just hearing you talk about this dynamic ands its effects is helpful. I used to always attract abusive/toxic/unavailable people as they confirmed those beliefs and I was always trying to change myself to be good enough and earn their love. Since my mother has lapsed in a severe dementia, and I have no contact with my two younger sisters, I have finally let go of this pattern, and I no longer attract the type of person. I feel my heart opening more and more and I am becoming myself I can. Thank you so much for all you do.
Very much appreciate you focusing a series on the scapegoat of the family. We carry a lot of wounds and are not understood automatically by probably most people who were not in a similar situation. So your videos are very comforting and insightful for those of us who suffered the family scapegoat role.
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the example of greg being afraid to go to his own hobby classes really speaks to me. thank you. i think this is part of what's tied up in my severe people phobia. i want to be less isolated, but it's been really hard to take that step. and i do tend to panic and cancel a lot. maybe this can help me in my steps forward.
One thing I have found is attending a Toastmasters International meeting, at least once, as a guest. They strive to be very welcoming and supportive, and a number of the members have had similar challenges. You don’t really have to be interested in public speaking and participating is up to you. You can show up and simply observe,, if you like, no commitment unless you feel like it, and you will be warmly welcomed. And there are many chapters of the club to explore if you want to.
Yes, I understand your people phobia. My mom starting telling me at the age of 5 that people didn't like me and that I wouldn't make friends ever. She repeatedly said this to me for decades along with a lot of other lies but now they feel embedded in my mind. I've been watching ASMR positive affirmation videos to flip the narrative but still having trouble connecting with others. Hopefully the positive affirmations will sink in soon :)
Once again, Jay, a very helpful video. As a fellow survivor of a lousy childhood and a very well trained and qualified psychologist, you really “get” what we subscribers may have experienced and articulate it, because it can leave many of us bewildered and baffled and confused. It amazes me that the case examples you’ve given in this and many other videos, the survivor somehow manages to grow up to make friends, maybe even have a family of their own and make it in the workplace. I was never able to make friends and that hasn’t changed. I guess that as an introvert, it makes some sense. The best I’ve ever been able to have, aside from my significant other, are friendly acquaintances. In childhood, all I had were my cat and my grandparents as those on my side who appreciated and cared for me. I can relate to the eating example from “Greg’s” early childhood. I was the first born of 2 siblings. I wish I could forget that time so long ago, before my sister was born, when I was 2-4 years old, and at the dinner table, both of my parents ganged up on me and constantly badgered me to “ Finish chewing before you take another bite!” It’s a small wonder that although I didn’t end up obese, in fact the opposite, because I ended up having serious digestive problems even as a young child. I was often deprived of food, sent to bed without supper, but still expected to set the table for them and not get to partake. It was heartbreaking and happened far too often. Once my parents, who often yelled at each other as the years went by, but never raised a hand to one another - because I was their human punching bag - separated and I was in my father’s custody, he wasn’t stingy with food the way my narcissistic mother was, and he didn’t use food as punishment. But he put on an act, and showed his true colors once again after my younger sister went to live with us because our mother was unhinged. It dawned on me that he’d been politicing those few years when I was the only girl in his house, that he was trying to show up our mother and prove to her that he was the better parent…until he got what he wanted, which was custody of both of us. Anyway, I also related to those feelings of inferiority to others, regardless of my ego. I was made to feel not just from my parents, but also by some teachers and other adults in authority, that I was inherently evil and was treated like a juvenile delinquent troublemaker, but I knew deep down inside that I was a good enough kid who simply happened to be imperfect. It seemed like other people got to have their foibles and flaws and make mistakes, and no big deal was made of it, but it was always blown out of proportion and severely punished when I made any mistakes. It’s very hard to get past that. Luckily, I got to attend private high school, where the teachers were fair and some even showed appreciation, which was rare for me. I had to drop out because my my family life was just too unbearable that I had to run away…actually, it was mutual, because my father kicked me out once I finally got the courage to stand up to him in front of a witness who saw him physically assaulting me, because his mask of normalcy fell. But kicking me out was the best thing he ever did for me. When we were taught in 5th grade social studies about how the black slaves were treated when slavery was legal, I was really upset, because I am White, just like my biological parents who did a horrific job of raising me, and I was treated just as bad as many of those slaves. I was supposed to be a kid in a family, not a White slave. Further into adulthood, I realized that although my conception was not planned (which my father didn’t explain until shortly before he kicked me out…I know it’s not nice to hear, “You were an accident”, it explained a whole lot! I’d been wondering until then, shortly after turning 17, why my own parents hated me so much.), my parents didn’t do the right thing and give me up for adoption because they wanted a slave and a whipping girl to keep around to take their frustrations out on. They did the right things that were expected of them as far as getting married, master’s degrees, having kids, full time stable white collar jobs with good benefits, yet they were miserable and made sure that the whole family was too. This experience made me decide not to go to college, work in boring, nerdy science careers like they did, have kids, and I was ambivalent about marriage, also because divorce was so common around the time, that I didn’t want to be part of those statistics. I also got around a lot with boys a few years earlier, and knew I wasn’t a fan of monogamy. Well, here I am in a long monogamous relationship, starting with cohabitation and eventually culminating in marriage at a much later age for first time marriage . I was resolute about not having nor adopting babies or kids. I felt so maladjusted that I knew I couldn’t handle the responsibilities. I have, with the help of my now husband, adopted a cat and we’ve given and received joyous unconditional love to and from her for 16 years.
Dr Ramani says that in her experience, the scapegoats that are most likely to "escape" are the ones who had SOMEONE they could turn to at times. Those of us who had no one...we have a harder time. I'm an adopted child. They adopted a child 5 years prior to my adoption. She was the Golden Child, I was the Scapegoat. Sis turned into a BIG Narky; between her and Covert Vulnerable Narky Mom and Neglectful Narky Dad, it was a hell on earth. They're dead, and Sis and I haven't spoken in 13 years or so.
The same thing happened to my first performance review after grad school! I walked in apologizing for all of the things I imagined I was doing wrong, and my manager stared at me blankly. Then she pulled out the stats for my training class, pointed at my KPI‘s and said “you are top three of the 200 people who started with you, what are you talking about“ and I was floored.
Although this makes me sad. I am grateful for your insight. This resonates with me so much. It almost feels like you're talking about me. I regret not knowing this sooner. However, I can begin my journey. I think it's time I started to read your book. Thank you so much, Jay. 🙏🏴
Unfortunately I can’t really relate to the positive experiences outside of my narcissistic parents either. I was scapegoated everywhere pretty much beginning in early grade school. I had good feedback from my ballet teacher and other teachers but it outweighed the negative impact of my family and peers. I guess I’m still focusing on the bad things happening still. I let my family and extended family on both sides abuse me until I was 60. Maybe that’s why I can’t let go of the trauma and see any good. I bought your book and will receive it tomorrow. I’m so looking forward to reading it.
I never got any peace either, not at home, nor the bus stop, the school bus, the school, the neighborhood. My only sources of peace were time outside with my cat and the few summer visits to my grandparents if the parents weren’t there too.
@@diatribe5 So sad this was your life. I hope you are happy now.
Feeling good and happy is wonderful for a short time but it’s also scary. It’s really scary. I’m ashamed of being afraid to be happy and feel good. My abusive parent passed away some years ago. I don’t know if anyone will believe me but she actually set it up before her death to make sure I will never be believed by other family members and family friends, her friends, anyone who would listen. I will never be believed by them, they will never stop picking on me or shaming me. I’m now isolated and afraid to feel good and be happy. I’m afraid to make a friend. It’s quite a predicament. I can’t have any involvement with all the people she made me look bad to. They haven’t even seen me in decades but the couple of times I reached out, I’m still a no good to them. They don’t even know me in person just believed her.
Ah, yes, the smear campaign. I can’t prove it, but I have reason to suspect that this may have been the reason why I was a pariah in the neighborhood, even the city I grew up in. Everyone hated my guts, vandalized the family home, and I knew that it was about me, and malicious lies were spread that never went away. It was so bad that I moved as far away from the state as possible and legally changed my name. I even felt like my given name had some curse attached to it. I even changed my appearance as much as I could, but I have one of those faces, even after getting work done, that I can never go incognito, even all covered up. I don’t like the area anyway, not my choice to have lived there, but it’s so toxic to me that wild horses couldn’t drag me back there. Tom Petty had that song, You Don’t Have To Live Like a Refugee, and the lyrics resonated for me.
This is heartbreaking. I hope you can move on, make friends and peace, and enjoy life.
I absolutely believe you. My Mom made me into a family outcast. My Sister amplified and extended it, and Dad absent-mindedly went along with their program. And all of the 11 brothers and sisters on her side; and the 9 on Dad's side, bought into it. All of them were/are useless to me. My dear; I hope you can find some ways to feel good, even just a little bit, for a little while. Hugs.
@@diatribe5 yes, the Bruce Springsteen lyric sticks with me: "just like a dog that's been beat too much, so you spend half your life just covering up."
Even as an adult, my dad never really speaks to me unless he's pointing out a mistake I made.
I think this is why I struggle to believe that some good things will come to pass. It can be something simple like trying to sort out a query or trying out a new idea/ way of doing something. My mind dwells on these things often but I find it hard to actualise and it's probably because they were not only unaffirmed, but rejected too so I began to relate to the idea of things not working out. This isn't the case anymore as I've gradually introduced bigger and bigger "leaps of faith" that allow me to witness the good parts of me manifesting in real life. Great video as always
I am going through this RIGHT NOW of reestablishing my baseline of feeling uncomfortable with wrong but having an underlying trust of the new safe people I'm meeting. I'm not immediately jumping into the self bad frame of mind. You really have to be aware, it takes a lot to not have your brain go there. It's gonna take some time as Jay said but I know that it will be by default over time. Compassion and patience with yourself is crucial. Thank you Jay, you are a rock star in my book.
I admire the progress you’ve been making. I was able to do the 2nd pillar first, and after this channel came up on feed, I binge watched it until I finally got caught up, I have learned the 1st pillar. I have a long way to go towards working on pillar #3, as it is new to me and will take a lot of time practicing that mindset that you mentioned. Your post gives hope that I’ll eventually be able to progress more towards recovery as you have.
@@diatribe5 Thank you for nice comment. What helped me with pillar #3 and I'm still applying today is Eckhart Tolle's teaching on the conscious mind and how not to be attached to thought. I know this sounds deep and weird, but stay with me. Being psychologically abused since childhood, having a narcissistic father/family, and husband, and business partner, oh let's throw in the family scapegoat for 5 older siblings, eventually eats away at the ego, thus pushing it into complete presence, you surrender yourself and your ego, kinda just happens naturally. Not such a bad thing if you really think about it. You no longer listen to that nasty ego when it reminds you of your failures, your lack of something, or just telling you you're not good enough. This self negative talk goes away, b/c you know it's your ego and not the essence of who you are. Complete presence and awakening means you no longer judge, compare, nor envy for any other human, as you see them only as presence, a being, a human being, and that is a beautiful thing. Moral here is: try not to get caught up in your mind's thoughts, b/c they are just thoughts.
Dear Dr. Reid, your clearly-articulated and insightful videos are incredibly enlightening, helpful, and comforting. Hopefully, you are aware of the extent of the high level of validation and support your provide. In over five years of intensive research on narcissistic/scapegoating parenting, there are precious few examples of attention to this vitally important and underrated type of abusive. It is pervasive, and furthers the intergenerational cycle of psychological abuse. I thank you from the heart for your incisive, direct, and humble approach. You have helped my daughter and me so very much. Peace and love to you!
Well-said!
Congratulations on the publication of your book. I bought it to read on Kindle. I found your book very informative especially the explanations you give about how we had to contort ourselves simply to have a relationship with the Narcissists. I must admit, I found some parts of it triggering as the examples reminded me of exactly how helpless and bad, angry and sad I had felt. I finished the book with a deeper understanding of how I can recover through no contact and staying close to safe people. I am tentatively practicing being a good, caring and genuinely kind person. As always, thank you for sharing your invaluable insights and wisdom. 🙏
This is exactly how I feel
It sometimes hard to listen to these materials but they are much needed.
Another very beneficial video Jay, thanks. I'm early on my learning path, can't tell how helpful your work has been. Thank you.
You are God sent for making and sharing these videos! Words can’t describe how much they have helped my healing progress ❤
Parents set the template for a child’s inner dialogue for life. My mother’s borderline personality disorder and narcissism used the kids as her emotional release piñata. After 50 years of therapy her tapes still play. Now that’s a legacy!
I hear you! My MOMster's tape plays all the time! I've been watching ASMR positive affirmation videos which gives me short breaks from that horrible tape. Hopefully, one day the positive messages will sink in and record over the bad noise. :)
Always grateful for your videos… I internalized it a bit differently but still w the same harmful effects and physiology of it all 🌀 really nice to be in places of understanding instead of confusion/wondering so much “why” . Understanding saves a lot of rumination energy… energy I can use for better things ☀️ it’s like solving a murder-solving it doesn’t make it less awful, less tragic… but it allows you to move on and heal energetically and emotionally… move into Now, all the way … with the lessons and whatever good from all the hard 🌼 using all that to make a better life… hard times, understood, makes you stronger. Got the book in the mail today!!! So excited to read it!!! 🌿☀️🌿
I’ve been working on my first big career project, and what should’ve been a challenging but joyful process was often miserable because I kept assuming my boss hated my work. I’m really glad I’ve found your stuff so I can begin to get a more right-sized perception of my skill set and a happier career life
I have difficulty with therapy because I think the therapist doesn't like me or thinks I don't need therapy. Therefore, I never feel seen. It is a repeat of my relationship with my mom. My mom told me, "No one has done anything to you." Feels the therapist sees me the same way. Therapy becomes intolerable.
That doesn’t surprise me, because we come into the world, we except it to be safe, fair and just and to feel welcomed into it, and at the early time in life, we are idealistic, positive, innocent and trusting. After experiences like ours, we’ve been disillusioned, robbed of our innocence and our ability to trust. We learn sooner or later, that our trust can get us into trouble sometimes. There have been horror stories about patients in therapy who’ve shared their vulnerabilities exploited by the wrong therapists, making everything worse and then our trust is further violated. That’s why I’m so glad that Jay has put out resources for training his fellow therapists, because they might not know this problem from experience and just don’t “get “ it the way he does.
@@diatribe5 You are onto something about trust. I think I am still the little baby who is totally at the mercy of others. The baby relies on the other to give what is needed to survive. They give food but not love. Is it the bottom line that we failed to accept: the only one we can trust is ourself? We thought we mattered to our parents. All along they resented us for taking up space.
Scapegoat here. One time i said something like that in front of a friend (like i say in my head a few times a day) and she said 'don't talk about my friend that way' and i started crying - ugly crying.
The best psychotherapist against narcissism HANDS DOWN. You probably don't know, but you are resolving my decade-long childhood issues in a few KZhead videos.
I am so thankful for those videos ⚘
My mom was a tough parent, once I left for college she realized this and cooled down. Despite that, my mind couldn’t change its negative inner dialogue.
I always felt that I was rejected because I didn't engage toxic behaviors which made me also an enemy and a scapegoat in a toxic school environment. It became commonplace to treat me with contempt and rejection because of these things. They would say things like I believed I was perfect HECK NO. WTF IS PERFECTION. They wanted to believe that I was this villainous figure out here to make everyone feel bad about themselves instead of just coming to talk to me and not be weird about It. Or they would think me so WORTHLESS they would just take my information to feed back to narcisissts that I was greyrocking/avoiding. I was stalked and harrassed and still accused of being perfect or too nice or an outcast, as if my life isn't bad enough.
This is so spot-on, such a great explanation of why I just can't shed low self esteem, it has such a pull... thank you for making this video....edit: I just bought your book and look forward to reading it.
This is one of the most enlightening videos you've made. It is giving clarity and words to what I've been gradually realising recently: I basically keep doubling-down on how bad I am all the time, and on trying to take responsibility for MY side in things all the time (which amounts to pointing out I know how bad I am)
Thank you! ❤
Exceptional video! I hope it's ok to post my notes. If not, just say so... Anyway, here are my notes (not necessarily direct quotes): 3:00 The ways the child is responded to may feel more real than what goes ignored by the caregiver. 3:10 In good enough scenarios, the parents appreciate and respond to the child. They notice the original expressions, traits, and ways of the child. This can give the child a sense that they are understood how they are understood themselves. (MY NOTE: They are seen by the parents as who see themselves as.) There is a comfortable symmetry between the child's inner world and how the caregiver responds to that world. The child feels real for who they actually are in the world. 3:45 The scapegoat child to narcissistic parents has their unique traits go unnoticed by that parent. Instead, the narcissistic parent sees the child as an instrument used to bear the feeling of worthlessness that the parent can not bear. They cherry picks faulty attributes of the child to recognize. The narcissistic parent responds to mistakes with scorn and contempt. This happens against the backdrop of not responding to the child's good traits or behaviors. So the child is left to conclude that the only things real about them are bad. 8:00 The scapegoated child is conditioned to feel real only when they feel bad about themselves. One of the ways this can manifest as they grow up is to search for a way to become this negative identity. The scapegoated child who is forced to think of themselves as someone bad also feels like something is amiss. There can be a lurking sense of not feeling entirely real and feeling incomplete in some way. When this happens, the scapegoat survivor may seek to feel more complete by accessing and expressing how bad they feel about themselves. This is what they have learned is real about themselves, so ratching up these bad feelings should lead to feeling more complete and more authentic. There can be a subtle hope that feeling one's badness will lead to a salvation of sorts. Maybe if they can take full ownership of their 'badness' they can be forgiven by the parent and loved. 9:20 Unfortunately, salvation is a mirage. The actual reason the scapegoat survivor feels incomplete is because the idea of their badness is inauthentic. The narcissistic parent's selective response to the scapegoated child's mistakes was a fabrication. The intent was to get the child and the parent to believe the lie that the child was worthless. The child will feel a gnawing sense of being inauthentic because the identity of being 'the bad one' is built on a lie. 12:00 The task for the scapegoat survivor is to redefine what is real about themselves. Recovery involves resisting the siren song of doubling down on the 'bad' or 'flawed' identity. The survivor can try what feels unfamiliar or even unreal. This step may mean tolerating feelings of being lost, disoriented, inauthentic, and anxious. As the scapegoat survivor moves from the narcissistic family who responded to them as if they were bad, they need responses from people who see the good in them. That is what will make goodness a basis of the survivor's identity feel real in due time. This process takes time because we are programmed to privilege our family's view of us. The scapegoat survivor has to surrender their allegiance to their family's view of them. This is hard by itself. Next, the survivor attempts to replace this view with safe friends' and partner's views of them. Although these views will be more accurate and kind, they will initially feel unfamiliar. So the survivor may feel disloyal for believing people outside of their family. These feelings are understandable and can be temporary. With persistence and time, such feelings can subside and a new, more accurate definition of real can take hold.
good job Jay.. thank you ..... from Australia ..
So if the child goes to the bottom and feels as awful as the parent wants them to, the child think maybe they'll find a way through that awful to the other side and being loved. That's the hope. The hope to grieve.
Thanks Jay you are so wonderful at helping me see the compassion for myself that I am worthy of and such very good advice. Thanks so much. I’m crying as I’m so moved for loving myself now and ready to try what doesn’t feel safe and natural - to honor myself and my good qualities and my good work. Thanks 🥰
i still dont understand how to find safe people. everybody seems so messed up
Love your channel. Super helpful. Thank you.
What is true and good about us is real. Thank you for this brilliant analysis, great examples and extreme help and support! God bless you❤
People who mind don’t matter, and people who matter don’t mind.
This is exactly why I self-sabatage. This video is a light bulb moment for me!!!!
Your channel has helped me a 😊 It's like it loops back around through my thoughts. I want it to go away.Any insight would be appreciated.
I have watched so many videos about narcissism and the effect my mother and my wife have on me. Your videos have put things into the proper perspective for me finally. I now see I need therapy to save my four kids.
These examples hit home hard! To be awakened from the false illusions as ive been watching your videos is like being awakened from the dead...from an illusion. Getting my bearings in a new reality is quite an ungrounding process. But after the grieving and tears i can process the pain and plant my feet to move forward.
This video waws a lot to stomache i disagree in somethings . Actaully. yes the family selecetively nitpicks thats true specially the narc parent. This affects its a projection, a feeling of inadecuacy, thats FALSE., its someone elses shame As has been explained its artificial, and injust too.. When i lived with my narcisistic parent for 2 years , i was less connected to my true self, because of it all. When i got seen by safe enough people , aspecially a fellow traveler in a support group that deals with trauma, seen and empathized with at an emotional level i was taught the tools of selfcompassion and healthy boundaries little by little. I started to be able to be more gentle with myself a, and then to start setting healthy boundaries, and thats when my inner c hild and trueself came out. BEcause the narc parent conditions their children to supress their boundaries and healthy anger, i needed to be seen and heard enough and i was already distant from the narc parent, and was even already sober from alcohol which was how i coped with the trauma. I needed to work on my CPTSD and the factthat i grew up in a narc family system. Beeing seen and empathized with , and gradually being able to be more gentle on myself, as someone modeled it to me and offered it to me, and then to start settting healthy boundaries, and following through thats when my inner child and true self came out more The SENSE of self, is one of the things narcs target, this is the most ABUSIVE feature for me. They target perceptions. Boundaries, and needs, and dignity . I felt good when. icould talk with people about the abuse and try to catharize all of it. IT WASN'T my shit . It isnt my shit. Narcs try to put THERE shame on other people. TOday i can. begentle on myself, and have healthy boudnaries integrity and attunement to my inner child and true self, and sconnection with safe enough others. ,and listening to my body. The healing process is beautiful, ive done soome emdr to heal some beliefs. And seen with more clarity it wasnt mine at all, as it says in this video. IT was about the narcs need to dump their shit on other people. Ive been 4 years almost in healing, and its good that all of this has words to it. Im thank ful to God for helping me find my way, in to and finding the right people at the time, to help me start being more gentle on myself f set healthy boundaries to honor my inner child and trueself, and keep having these safe spaces available, , and connecting with safe people. We are worth it, and can thrive. I have a trueself, and i feel its in mygut, my sense of self, and i love honor listen and protect that inner child, who is my true self , IDENTITY, and felt sense, and ture self. ................ which many times narcs (since they're not oconnected to their true self) they try to target with delusional idealism. I have a true self, my inner child and i will love listen attune honor take care of and speak up for and listen to my inner child and take my space and let. myinner kiddo shine through me. , my inner child is worth it.connect with people who feel safe we are worth it.. Were worth it....... Take care
The illusionary self feels more real when in a unreal environment. Or survival mode.
Jay Reid, you truly rock - you’re explaining things like few people come close to - bells are ringing lately - was never able to resolve certain subtleties completely - you’re nailing it 👍🙂. Thank you so much for your dedication and time - there are content providers who simply manipulate pieces of the puzzle and throw it at their followers- for their own needs - I can see that so clearly now - once you heal manipulators can’t manipulate any longer - I’m gaining more and more autonomy back.. ❤thank you
Wow this is me all my life. I’m 50 now.
Jay, I was wondering if survivors of bad parents tend to have problems with taking rejection personally and feeling like it stings, even into adulthood. I certainly have that problem, because I almost always got rejection from my toxic parents. If this isn’t unique to me, I hope that you could one day do a video addressing how survivors of bad childhoods deal or have trouble with the common experience of rejection. Rejection on a job search, applications for things, dating, our sex/love life or lack thereof, friends, in business, etc.
It gets easier as you get older. Quite often rejection brings new and better opportunities. I once was made redundant from a job that I loved, I was devastated, but afterwards I landed the best job I ever had. I wouldn't have had that best job without being rejected from the previous one 😊
10:30 WOW thats fcking familiar lolololol noooooo
I remember being about 12 years old, and standing in front of the mirror and slapping myself saying "you're so ugly you're so stupid no one likes you you're so useless." Mom came in and said "you shouldn't do that, you shouldn't treat yourself that way." I said "why not, it's how you think of me and tell me." She didn't bother denying that. She was just afraid that maybe I would act out where someone who could help me, would see it. She never actually used those words, but she let me know with every action and look, that she felt that way about me.
Lol Jay I had to laugh when you started saying in the movie "40 year old virgin" good reference though. Love your videos.
Oh Dear Mr. Reid, I want to send you a hug! Right from your 1st sentence, it felt like you were talking just to me, about my childhood..A godsend to have you actually helping me finally understand. I thank you so very much🧡🧡🧡
Thank you Jay. That helps me so much. Sadly there's not many therapists that understand this in such depth.
Your insight and wisdom is always so genuinely heartfelt and resonates so strongly and deeply, Jay. Thank you for the brave and selfless work you do in helping so many; I am a long-time follower of yours-you just get it. Your understanding and compassion towards those of us who’ve endured a lifetime of reprehensible, despicable and downright unacceptable treatment by the very people whose job it was to provide us with a sense of safety, understanding and belonging in this world somehow always manages to inspire me (and I imagine countless others) to continue to put one foot in front of the other and to hold onto what I know and feel is good, kind and real in me-despite how backwards and insanely disconnected/absent my family of origin is. The more I understand my upbringing and the disconnect and dysfunction that is still at play in my FOO,, the more clearly I see how deep of a loss it is for them to’ve missed out on the joy, the pride and the beauty of connecting with me on any real and human level. I imagine and hope that I am just one of many who feel this way…
@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse Could this show up as procrastination, or fear of failure? Thank you. I find your videos so helpful in understanding myself and my family better and healing❤
I’m no stranger to procrastination either. In my case, I wonder if I’m not just afraid of failure, but of success.
Other therapists I listen to claim procrastination is connected to CPTSD.
@@diatribe5 yes! I too wonder this about my fear.
@@diatribe5 Yes I'm afraid of both failure and success on MY terms (I was successful as a child because narcs demanded no less from me)
I’m only afraid of failure at the workplace, because I’ve never been able to hold a job long enough to get a performance review or ask for a raise. I’ve felt like an easily replaceable disposable dispensable cog in the businesses that even hired me, only to make me sign some form called an At-Will Agreement as a condition of getting the job. I’ve tried doing my best and following the rules and being respectful, but every time I got sacked, and I asked why, I was told, “ It just isn’t working out “, no severance, no going away lunch, the least they could’ve done was buy me a much needed drink to take the sting from the rejection. I am now a housewife married to a retiree, and I don’t have to fear failure and the rejection because I didn’t fit in with the in group, they didn’t like the way I walk, the sound of my voice, my mere presence, insecure jealous wives coming in and having me fired, insecure bosses who couldn’t stand that I care about my appearance more than them, the $65,000 question. Rejection has been too much a part of my life. I’d never make it in sales, because I can’t stand any more of it!
The narcissists in my life which are more than 10 try to make my life a living hell and insanity and chronic instability and anger and depression and fatigue.
Every time I make anything (a meal, a sweater, a painting, etc) I always feel like I need to list out all the "flaws" in it when someone else is eating/using/looking at it to preempt the (in my mind) inevitable criticism. Like "Hey, this bread ended up a little too salty this time because I tried a new recipe and it called for table salt and all I had was kosher but other than that I think it's pretty good otherwise!" or "I skipped a stitch here in the arm but it doens't affect how it fits..." because then the recipient knows how shitty and bad the thing I'm giving them is upfront and won't get as upset when they discover the flaws. Hooray childhood trauma!
So true, love the woodworking story💖,finding one’s identity is life changing, I’m finding many creative avenues of healing which is restoring my identity. Drawing,hobby kits with wood,card making and fun sticker activity books🙂along with many others.Once again, thanks and have a wonderful day🌟🌈🙏
Phew, thanks Doc! You really got the anatomy of self sabotage
WOW. This is explained so well, the best I’ve ever heard on explaining narcissistic parents behavior 🙏🏻❤ Thank You so very much Jay
You are so welcome
Thank u for watching? Thank u for making it. This is the water of life u r providing. We just came to drink it. U deserve deeply sencire gratitude, which always besides feelings turns into actions of words like this & kind gestures of any sort, like donating monetary to ur channel.
I really like your videos and find them helpful, but audio is low and makes listening difficult.
Man she really hated us huh?
Wow. This was so eye opening.
You're changing lives Jay, for the better, incredible stuff, thank you SO much.
Jeez this is really on point.
Thank you so much Jay.
Thank you ❤️
thank you
I liike that you give exampls. Even when they don't directly apply to me, they are a useful point of view, that explains things for me.
I want some of that relish Greg eats with, sounds great
I love you
Narc abuse is like exposing the beloved character fake person to out everybody yet nobody sees the serial killer. They don't believe you.
For me they stolen my identity and force me to identify with wrong identity which is opposite of who i am.
Thanks for this. I would love to see you take it one step further. My mother did all these things, but she took it to new levels... and I am sure I am not alone. Despite being tall, hardworking, athletic, and intelligent--my mother always told me I would "be lucky to find a woman that would have me." There was a constant message that I was not sexually attractive. Dating was a torment... I was mocked if I was interested in an attractive legible woman, instead she mockingly encouraged me date grotesquely ineligible women. Despite many attractive women pursuing me, I felt if they really knew me, they wouldn't want me, and couldn't really find me attractive, and I never responded. I ended up in a tragic sexless relationship with a narcissist. When I listen to this, I think this sort of degradation when engaged in the sexual realm is sexual abuse. I would covet your insight.
I totally totally identify. In my case the emotional abuse was punctuated with piercing physical assaults, including a genital injury at age 1. I was not molested in the way sexual abuse survivors describe, at least that i can recall. But my psychic symptoms totally overlap with those survivors'. The emotional abuse is sometimes called covert incest. I had good therapists, and also found relief in the 12 step program for incest survivors. Proceed w/caution, it's a volatile field. If you like books, there's a great one for male survivors by Mike Lew, Victims No Longer
@@carlorizzo827 Blessings to you. I appreciate your speaking out. I will look into the book. I am glad you found this channel.
This Greg story 😢😢😢😢
I am Ok.
chronic and severe enough!
How is severe described? Is it enough to be emotionally neglected?
it's enough. in some cases worse. "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents"...highly recommend
@@angelika87 Thank you
🐐 💞
It bothers me that people like myself, who are victims of narcissistic abuse, have to go to therapists for years to the tune of thousands of dollars to fix something that was done to us by others. Life isn't fare and thousands of therapist are laughing all the way to the bank.