How To Cope with an Imperfect Partner
One of the stranger but more powerful discoveries of psychotherapy is that the average baby firmly believes it has two mothers and that this belief profoundly affects our future relationships.
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“One of the stranger but more powerful discoveries of psychotherapy is that the average baby firmly believes it has two mothers. Mother 1 is kind, she comes when it calls, she gives it milk as soon as it needs it, she's sweet-natured and generous, wondrous and eminently deserving of love. But then there's another Mother, a far more challenging and terrifying proposition whom we can call Mother 2: and she sometimes doesn’t give baby milk exactly what it wants when it wants it, she occasionally fails to interpret its needs, she can misjudge the temperature of the water at bath time, she has friends who come around and distract her and a phone that rings; she gets it wrong…”
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CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
Nicky Francis
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Title animation produced in collaboration with
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"if the imperfect is defined as evil, then everything becomes evil, because everything is imperfect"
That makes total sense.
who tf connects those terms in that way, must be from the bible
I can blame my family for traumatizing me from abusing me my whole life but it’s my responsibility to not let that hold me back in life. I’m responsible for my own behavior and I’m not going to play the victim like they do. They victimize themselves and use it as an excuse for their shitty behavior. I want to use my trauma as an inspiring story that despite all that pain I’m still a good person.
Excellent, rise above the pain! ♥️♥️
How will you know?
Maybe even because of it. Take that thing that’s holding you back and make it the reason you succeed.
thank you saying this, thank you for helping me understand what i should do.
You’re not alone in your struggle, and you will probably inspire many others along your path to peace. Good Luck ✌️
This channel is such a breath of fresh air when it comes to this topic, in a world where we are constantly obsessed with "red flags" and "problematic" behaviors with people.
So true. Everyone has flaws, but if someone shows one, we're supposed to end our relationship with said person. And then we wonder why there's a "loneliness epidemic".
Spot on
A much needed disenchantment channel that allows us to wake up and truly BE alive with tools to witness and live our every moment
there is such a good video by adela adafi called "is your relationship boring or just healthy" where she disects the concept of "settling" that I was reminded of in this video. would highly recommend! it's so sad that people are so quick to just "go find someone better" these days because there's this illusion of endless choice
@@kanyeblessed6558yes definitely. But the thumbnail of this video pissed me off so much. Is it your mother's fault? Gah
Don't focus on 'fault' and guilt, but instead on patterns and impact. And on willingness to work on oneself.
I remember feeling betrayed when my best friend let me down. This experience pushed me to grow and realize that no one is perfect, not even those we hold in high regard.
As long as the imperfections aren't overshadowing what is good for you, then it's worth to stick around and be there for them. But as soon as that changes, it's time to rethink if they are really good for you or not. Flaws make a person whole after all.
Very wise words 💯
Thanks! Very well put
As an incredibly flawed person myself, I owe all of the progress I've made to the people who were patient and there for me in my worst moments. I've lashed out and accused them of irrational things but they were so patient because they somehow saw the good in me, and I'm forever grateful. I want to do the same for other people
My partner is extremely generous and grateful, which makes me tolerate all of his imperfections.
We are the same in our marriage.
No partner is perfect, but when true lovers say it, they refer to a person with the perfect imperfections ❤
Whoa, that is great! Did you say that?
I thought mother 2 was going to be "father" 💀
then they would just name him/her father, "no"?
I firmly believe that there’s a moment in life in which one can’t no longer blame one’s parents. And take responsibility of one’s situation.
When one knows better, is no longer to blame his parents, but is to do better.
Yes, exactly. Even if this time may be different for every individual.
Yes, I wholly agree. I think we could call the traits formed in childhood under parents' influence one's character, and that is hard, maybe not even supposed to be changed. After that, growing up we mature and our experiences and decisions determine what we do with that character. After some point it's on noone else, and let someone ignore this to a certain degree and you can read that as evil, rightfully so.
I don't agree with this. Especially in the circumstances of severe parental abuse. The child can develop mental health problems like anxiety or depression. Sometimes even disabilities like cptsd or ptsd. Most of those children will grow up to be adults who experience chronic or life time long struggles with the side effects of experiencing extreme abuse. It's entirely on their parents for abusing them. Some victims are to the point where they can't consciously make the decision not to react out of trauma, even after extensive therapy. The victims of this usually do try to take some sort of responsibility for their own healing. But they're entirely allowed to blame their parents for their struggles, even for the rest of their lives if they need to.
I also only partly agree. The childhood with the parents fundamentally formed the brain. Restructuring it is possible, but not likely without the help of a trained professional. If people had unlimited knowledge and access to psychotherapy, yes, it would be their fault at some point. But that's not the case.
This piece hits the nail on the head, or should I say, the baby bottle on the high chair? It skillfully unravels the paradoxical dance of affection and frustration, revealing that our significant others are not just lovey-dovey date partners but also occasional bathroom floor towel leavers. The notion that lovers one and two are merely the product of shifting moods and circumstances is a delightful revelation, akin to discovering that the wet towel culprit and the charming date planner are, indeed, the same entity. It's a whimsical yet profoundly human take on the messy, unpredictable symphony of love. So, here's to embracing the tragic comedy of relationships, where perfect people are as elusive as socks in a laundry vortex, and finding a lover who's real becomes the ultimate quest in this grand circus of romance. Bravo to this piece for unriddling the enigma of two mothers.
Incredibly helpful thank you. It’s extraordinary how the drive to meet the perfect ‘fairy tale’ partner is so deeply and unhelpfully ingrained. These very timely and inspiring reminders of truth are invaluable.
I’ve written that in my diary !! Learning and understanding there is no perfect partner, I realized that my idealism will cause a bias towards anyone I date. So if there is no perfect person and I will be disappointed by them eventually, then maybe they’ll need some forgiveness like I do and maybe what’s real, is good enough ❤
Beautifully summarised ❤
I can attribute much of my anxious attachment style to my upbringing. My mother was physically and mentally abusive when i was growing up. I still have problems with my partner to this day and i still deal with the repercussions of the way she raised me. But I try everyday, to be a better partner. The most important part is to recognize and realize your impact on your loved ones, and know that you can do better for them
Yes, and don't forget to do better just for yourself, be kinder to yourself, forget yourself for your occasional blunders. Getting good at caring for yourself makes it easier to be good at caring for others 😊
I would say it's true. My mother's behaviour was a bit chaotic to understand for me as a child, since she was also battling grief and stress as a single parent when she just had me. I think I really might have perceived her as two different people when I was a kiddo. And I noticed that I have to consciously stop myself from tearing a person into two and rejecting them as soon as I find one trait that I cannot agree with, I will seriously consider letting the person go. As I asked around I learned that it is actually a not normal behaviour, and absurd - got so many side-eyes. So if it's similar with you, it takes some level of self-control to battle this behaviour, but you definitely do got this, we're not alone in this
I love these videos. The animations are delightful, Alain's soothing and humourous tones and wise gems of truth and compassion. Thank you Sch of L! x
I am soooo grateful to the entire team of The School of Life for making this absolutely amazing video🥰👌🏻👏🏻 You people explain things in such a way that it has no choice but to enter our brains! ❤ LOVED THIS VIDEO!!!💙
Needed this video, thank you!
Thank you. Needed this.
I have always understood this concept and was absolutely baffled when I discovered that most people do not. In other people's perception, you do things that are annoying, you do not always do what they want and you may sometimes let them down. This is simply a fact of human nature. So how can you, as an imperfect being, expect literally anybody else to be anything but an imperfect being? Perfect humans do not exist, alot of people seem to want robots that perfectly adhere to their every whim as opposed to living, breathing, people with flaws and strengths, that is such a strange way of thinking to me. If everybody was perfect and never did anything wrong, you would very quickly become extremely bored with the world. Our flaws are part of what makes us unique, and you just have to accept that your partner, and everybody else around you are not perfect, just as you are not, and that's okay.
Not everyone feels safe and loved enough to come to this realization most people don’t have great guidance growing up. Thank your parents
There's a difference between imperfect and evil.
@@alohalife7541 I don't really see what this has to do with safety and feeling loved. It's about realistic expectations and recognising your own imperfections. My parents were not so great and did pretty poorly in ways of teaching me about other people, yet I still came to this understanding of my own accord. I agree that a person's upbringing absolutely has an effect on their world view, however you as an individual are still responsible for how you treat other people.
@@lightworker6298 Absolutely. There is a massive difference between accepting people's flaws and accepting abuse. However, that isn't all that relevant here as none of the imperfections portrayed in this video are (at least by most people's definitions) evil, and neither is that what I was referring to in my comment.
With all the options available these days, I think more people expect near perfection in their partners. With all the option available, there's surely someone more perfect than your current partner?!? This leads to a revolving door of partners and friends in and out of your life.
Amazing video yet again. The way you word things is beautiful and thought-provoking
I miss the longer videos !!! ❤️❤️
Somehow this channel always has a video that tells me exactly what I need to hear to help me understand the things going on in my life, thank you!
I've known the fact our imperfections may affect people differently, and sometimes they don't learn to accept it and just want us to be a million miles away from them, in a relationship imperfections are accepted if it doesn't get out of hand, or one or the other is willing to make a compromise, there are other aspects to be appreciated than that (a double edge sword depending on the person), and/or it is not necessary or doesn't affect your daily life, other relationships, or and more that you can add from.
Thank you for bringing tears of joy with the line "the bottom of the bin", it definitely feels like that sometimes, the animation is delightful too
Thanks for the great video, as always. It's unfortunate that some of us have a much stronger Mother 2 than Mother 1. When you said, "It wants to scream, chew her up and put her in the bin forever and ever"(0:53), you were accurate. That's how I have felt for so many times in my life.
The idea of two mothers/ two lovers to depict the same person is simply brilliant! Where will you get all these ideas from? Id love to read about these in future depths!
Wow I never put this together, makes so much sense!
Very true and deeeply insightful
Okay but this artwork is too good, represents the talking points so well. I saw myself in the artwork, really.
Narrator voice is superb 👌
This is article, you posted few months earlier. I loved every single word and read it several times. I copied and sent to very dear person to me. It’s amazing what you do / share / post here with us. Thank you ❤
I thought this was going into the “splitting” that people with BPD do. They see people as all good or all bad; black and white. It’s the skill of “object constancy” explained here, that for some reason, they never really learned when they were toddlers.
Wow. Just wow. This is brilliant and profound. Thank you. : )
Learned this same concept from Erich Fromm, very insightful
Thank you!
This video was a really good one
In the book "Read People Like a Book" by Patrick Kings states that you must know yourself to know others, to understand the baseline, and context along with it. Because the baseline is the neutral natural state without any intense external stimuli being less variable in terms of mood and emotion. If someone is not a pathological liar, he or she is not a bad person.
I mean we grow up thinking love can be a fairy tale thanks to the media and entertainment setting us up for failure
You pop out at a perfect time, my partner is imperfect, maybe I'm overthinking that he's a narcissistic ass maybe he is
Maybe you’re projecting your narcissism on to him, since you’re imperfect
No one is honestly, we both have issues and traumas that still haven't talked about and it's hard to communicate when the person you're talking to always turns the topic of conversation towards them.
I have a big love to this channel🤩
Literally, saying that no one is perfect or 100% good or 100% evil!
the comments here are so wholesome, yes some tragic but the fact that strangers are kind with others here is amazing.
The fact that it's not crazyl to feel to throw lover 2 to bin is so comforting. 😭😭 I always felt so guilty of hating my partner during her wickedness.
what program do you guys use to make these videos. i got inspired to make videos by you guys and i am just interested
My wife left me. My friends left me overtime. I went to speak to a clinic psychologist. After listing, and asked question, she said I'm to clinging towards people that smoldering them that they cant breath. So I took lesson, that the psychologist recommended. I wasn't easy to change my pattern of behaver, and it worked.
It’s true, a great video. I just find it hard to differentiate sometimes when those bad qualities should call for the end of a relationship. Does this logic only apply to minor irritating quirks our partners have? What about issues we feel are bigger and persist more, though still draw back to the explanation of just an imperfect person who is well intentioned. How many traits should I cope with and how many can I expect them to change for the sake of my happiness?
I wish I knew the answer to that
i dont think there's a set number. it's more about thinking about your values in my opinion. if you share the same values with them and the good outweighs the bad then it's probably worth it. if someone's flaws make them constantly act in ways that aren't in line with your values & the relationship is more negative than positive.. then put yourself first and get out
Beautiful video ✨✨✨💛
Immediately yes
The animation of the baby is so funny/cute, lol.
It would be good to get some scientific references for these 'discoveries'. I mean, how is it possible to test that a non-verbal baby 'firmly believes it has two mothers'? That's not to say such a theory doesn't hold any merit (although it seems high questionable), it's just that there's no acknowledgement that it's unprovable. It's being passed off as a solid fact, rather than just a therapeutic idea that might be helpful to apply to adult relationships.
Does everything have to be a "science"? Or do we have to accept that in many ways the human condition is not quantifiable as such?
How to cope with an imperfect KZhead Channel that makes amazing video but doesn't wanna finish the series on Literature and Philosophy (please do Victor Hugo next)?
When you hate someone is because you hate something about yourself
Erich From -The Art of Loving-
When i was a child i remember thinking that when my mother is mean that's just the ailen version and they actually kidnapped my nice mother. But they return her at day so we don't get suspicious. My mother was irritable at night because she was tired and we didn't want to sleep so ya. I relate to this.
The importance of sitting down with your parents
I have mother 2
One must take the good with the bad
I keep seeking a near perfect partner. This has led to a one short-term fling after another. I think I may have found the "one", but nagging negative mother number 2 has been rearing her head and it's irritating the hell out of me!
I wish I could have a new video everyday but alas with no wish to see you all mad I shall be content with your current schedule.
It is Karen Horney's theory on basic anxiety.
In my family, mother 2 is me and mother 1 is my wife ^^
How do we conclude that children are emotional beings? At around 0.50 you mentioned that children are very emotional creatures? Can otherwise be true? Children are more practicle than emotional? I dont know why but i understand emotions to be an aquired phenomenon rather than natural.
I feel called out :| Just told my boyfriend that we should break up after a couple of let downs...
Right?...Just did the same thing with my girlfriend and that makes me think
Duality.
How to be lighthearted at work?
My father is and was a total disaster, my mother marriage is utter failure. The father figure who needs to take care of the family, only takes care of his own family (my father s mom, dad, sis, bro and their family)....When he is was heatlth and wealthy he have taken care of them, but not as why we dont know ..??My poor mother struggled so much, which ignored...Sometimes i feeel bad for my nother certain times i feel she should have fight for her rights ....But the sad part is she is educated but still she feared society and kept quiet which made our lifes hell...Im still getting out of my trap which was laid by my father ....I never seen a selfish man like him ....He wont care about us...Hope God will help my mother and sis ...I know to take care of me ...But mother is dealing with so much, she is not having any happiness. She is mad about herself for being like tht ...Fun part is She never loves herself, which she should start doing ...
What happens whn mother two is around more than mother one?
The first half of this video about "2 mothers" is pretty outdated in modern psychology. I think they are referencing Klein's 1923 theories of Object Relations and Unconscious Phantasy. Just a note that these theories have pretty much been rejected by modern psychology because of her violence and negativity when psycho-interpreting VERY young children.
Not everyone accepts "modern psychology" either. It's about time that neuroscience accepted that scans of a brain are just another interpretation rather than presenting themselves as facts.
@@TheGinglymussay that next time you'll go for an MRI. Also, why do you compare a technique of functional imaging used in neuroscience, a biological subfield for the most part, to psychology, a humanities theoretical field that tries to explain something more abstract like the human behavior?
@@niriida1 that's what I'm saying. Obviously a brain scan for something physical like a tumour is not nonsense, it's the inferences made in terms of human emotions and experience made very often today by reference to brain activity I'm criticising. As if we have anywhere near enough knowledge yet to make factual statements linking measurable physical activity to subjective experience. It's a field in its infancy often portrayed as being omniscient.
@@niriida1 that's what I'm saying. Obviously a brain scan for something physical like a tumour is not nonsense, it's the inferences made in terms of human emotions and experience made very often today by reference to brain activity I'm criticising. As if we have anywhere near enough knowledge yet to make factual statements linking measurable physical activity to subjective experience. It's a field in its infancy often portrayed as being omniscient.
We are ALL "imperfect".
I just wanna say the "have three annoying friends" bit is a little too specific...
*Master and Servant* _There’s a new game we like to play, you see_ _A game with added reality_ _You treat me like a dog_ _Get me down on my knees_ _We call it,_ *_’Master and Servant’_* _We call it,_ *_’Master and Servant’_* _It's a lot like life_ _It’s played between the sheets_ _With you on top and me underneath_ _Forget all about equality_ _Let's play _*_‘Master and Servant’_* _Let's play _*_‘Master and Servant’_* *Depeche Mode,* 1984
I still hardly acce]t that my 2 moms are only one.
A partner who exists and who is real feels like settling to me. Existing..?
That’s a very cute baby
00:25 Stewie!
Amen
There is nothing to cope with. Be grateful, consciously, and think of oneself. When you eliminate hypocrisy, you realise the tremendous value in the coffee beans at the store, toiled by a man, much like you, in a sweltering heat, under chains and whips. You realise the tremendous good that you have been given in most people, and how slight their mistakes and '''flaws'' are. Because most of them are changeable, which makes them things to appreciate, bruises to tend to. Learn to love, for real, and none of this is an issue.
Where was this video 40 years ago?
Fucking hilarious but omg soo true for those who will understand this ❤️
I initially thought it meant the baby saw the dad as mother 2 LMAO
Time to ring up my exes ?
Babies think they have two mothers. Okay let's assume that, maybe it makes it easier to love when you can separate someone's negative parts to a 'side' of them or mood. So because babies think they have two mothers we see our loved ones as having different 'sides' so we can love the good versions but then you hate the bad ones strongly. So basically: even people we love do things we find annoying. We should be somewhat accepting of this and not fight them because of these annoying traits of their's (person 2).
2:33 frankly unforgivable
I finally realized that this channel and Alain is just like those people who say “if I was a parent…” and go on to give obtuse proclamations. But everything changes when they have their own kids. Do any of you have your own kids?
They want us to abuse our children. Why this channel is hell bent on sympathizing with evil people? There's a difference between imperfect and evil people. Some people really PLAN evil things for you and ruin your life. This channel wants us to sympathise with evil because sometimes we do teeny tiny mistakes, so we should also forgive evil people.Nonsensical
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Superb. Just superb. So much insight packed into less than four minutes! Congratulations
…the same way you cope with an imperfect world. Start with yourself, your values and go from there. You either accept the imperfections as worth the work as long as your morals aren’t compromised, or you let it go. Thats how we have a healthy society and why ours is so rotten. We are told that we are the centre of the universe, and our feeling are the most important thing. But if we all believe that…can you see where the problems may arise? The new Disney movie WISH is a perfect example of this twisted morality. ✝️❤
A mother makes a crap analogy for a spouse. When your mom vindictively crushes your spirit and emotions when you are two and a half years old, screaming and cursing you, and pulls your hair out by the roots, breaks your collarbone by twisting your arm, whacks your pink face with her fully extended adult slap and gives you a life-long deviated septum, it’s, yeah, worse. Not only that, but it warps your entire development, how you are going to see even the most caring person you’ll ever meet when you’re grown. The real “School of Life” is not the same problem as a jealous husband or a cheating girlfriend, now is it?
I understand that this video is for people who give up on partners too easily, and it's very valuable at that, but there are those who don't give up on people when they should. Those who don't look at their own needs and worth enough. Would it have been better if the other side of the spectrum would have been mentioned once? Not that those now get an even worse idea.
TLDR: We need to accept that our partners are imperfect and learn to be pessimistically generous towards them. 1. 00:00 👶 Babies have a belief in two mothers, one kind and generous, and the other challenging and terrifying, leading to intense emotions of love and hate. 2. 00:56 😡 The speaker expresses frustration with their partner. 3. 01:01 😳 The same mother can be both delightful and enraging at different times. 4. 01:23 🤔 It takes time to accept the idea that our partners are imperfect, and many of us don't fully understand this until later in life. 5. 01:43 👶 We tend to categorize people as either good or bad, but in reality, everyone has both positive and negative qualities. 6. 01:55 🔍 Your partner may seem perfect at first, but eventually you'll realize they have flaws, and that's okay. 7. 02:28 🤔 Accept that perfect people don't exist and learn to be pessimistically generous towards our imperfect partners.
Abuse isn't coping. Not in my eyes
Mother is the first other
Never mind the murder-mongerers, kid. You keep studying and stay strong in the face of adversity. Don't let anyone tell you how you perceive people or reality. You're the only one piloting your connectome ans you're the closest agent within yourself.
That's all good, but the world is unforgiving and doesn't settle with underperforming people
And learning that you yourself isn't perfect either.
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