Why People get into Unhealthy Relationships
One of the sadder symptoms of not having been treated well in childhood is a remarkable tolerance - and indeed appetite - for not being treated entirely nicely by partners in adulthood.
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“One of the sadder symptoms of not having been treated well in childhood is a remarkable tolerance - and indeed appetite - for not being treated entirely nicely by partners in adulthood.
As graduates of rocky pasts, we are at high risk of ending up recklessly passive around partners who don’t appear to have too much interest in our true needs and aspirations. Where others would read a sharp risk in such neglect, we simply sense normality. Where others would be plotting an escape, we settle in for the long term. Where others would despair of intransigence or meanness, we see every chance of being able to change a partner - so long as we keep quiet and hope…”
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the first time I left someone because I was not happy with them, made me realize the power we get as an adult.
Congratulations. I did the same. It was incredibly hard, but one of my best and courageous decisions.
@@jonathanwalther I am happy for you, and I can totally relate to you because couples around me always made me believe that you need to make it work no matter how hard it gets. What matters is the time and energy you already gave. And seriously at first I found myself selfish for prioritizing my happiness over love. But now as I am healing, I am proud of myself. 🤗🤗
@@notapplica91 To chose happiness over love. That's a very very helpful advice!! And a very good starting point for anyone, who's thinking about ending a non fulfilling partnership. I ended a some month long partnership, after realising, she was not really into it. I did not dump her immediately, buf if I finally asked her, what's the matter, she said, for her it's basically a friendship. So ya, case clear, no more questions ;) Now I have partner, where I get much much more warmth and attachment and interest and feel love. I really feel pity for the ones, who are too afraid of the pain after the break up, but it's really worth it. There's nothing more straining than a half-hearted partnership.
@notapplica91 do you still think you're selfish for leaving now after some time has passed? Does that feeling go away or do we realize we were wrong for feeling that way?
@@erikasmith9105 no now that time has passed I no longer feel being selfish, plus I am happy they are with someone who is really happy having them not compromising on anything to have them. So, yeah now I am proud of myself for choosing to leave.
Sometimes it’s hard to leave due to the other persons fear of abandonment, guilt comes into place mostly when the leaving person is highly empathic, and therefore the plans to leave and self care come to a second place
That is my experience, it's an awful situation to be in. People can be trapped for many reasons, and not because the partner is abusive or controlling but because of the partners mental or physical health issues. It's no ones fault but it doesn't make the situation any easier to bear does it, at least if someone is being an absolute bastard you can leave guilt free knowing that you are saving yourself.
@@tiggywinkle5933 well said
@@tiggywinkle5933 I was in that exact situation you explained. I'm not abusive or controlling and I tried to do the best I could with the tools and knowledge I had at the time but after watching this video and now knowing how her childhood was all I can say is that she had, has,childhood traumas.
I’ve never been in that situation but I guess you might look at it this way not to feel guilty when leaving: you are helping the person to be a better version of herself by breaking the dependence circle she’s in. She needs to grow by herself in order to be a good partner for you, and you need someone who helps you to be better instead of dragging you down
Easy to feel like that - I have myself in the past. But it’s not actually the other person’s feelings that you’re fearing - it’s your own.
I can never get enough of these videos. We're attracted to what's familiar instead of what's really good for us. It's gonna take a LOT of work on myself to undo the trauma I sustained from a young age, and ultimately I will learn to love and respect myself, and then I'll have a relationship that is good for me.
After much contemplating I got out of my marriage and went on to have 2 destructive ‘relationships’ before being on my own and THEN getting into a good for me KIND marriage - what a journey!😅
@@suenorwood-evans9724 It's hard
@@suenorwood-evans9724 I'm glad that it finally worked out in the end.
This work can be very enjoyable as you redefine yourself I guess I'm just trying to say don't focus on the end goal too much but the journey, each step towards self is a gift to be cherished also.
@@sunbeam9222I wish people would stop saying to 'enjoy the journey'. Many of us do not know what that means.
It happened to me when I was 37, I said that I didn’t want to suffer anymore in my life. Like a big NO to the word ‘pain’ that it seemed had always been the constant of my life. I got into therapy and it was really hard to go through all the shame and guilt and lack of self esteem I had. But guess what, almost two years later I’m living the life I’ve always dreamed of (and yes, also am with the most loving, kind partner). There’s no secret, just the willingness to want a good life and take action every day to build it ❤
I went through it too. Good luck!
I was 36 until I got to the point where I felt I couldn't take it any longer. I couldn't take being shouted at anymore, feeling like I was walking on eggshells constantly. Now I have met someone calm and lovely who doesn't shout at me for being me. It's been the biggest liberation ever.
That's a heart warming story. But, there is no life without pain. You can and should avoid needless suffering, but you cannot avoid pain. The question is: which tools do have at hand to deal with it.
Shit... It's the age. I'm 36 and since last year my life is falling apart. I realized I was missing something from my partner in our 11 years relationship . I had connection but not intimacy, niceness but felt not accepted. I was reacting to her emotions : shaming, pain.... I began a therapy. One year later it's still very difficult. I still have a part of me attached to her and the relarionship is not closed due to this. She realized things and wants to fight for me. but I also met someone that I love and my brain is fucked... Hope I'll sort myself soon.
@@SLAct36 Good luck, to which way ever. And 11 years is a long time, maybe the fight for the relationship is fruitful. But I might add: reciprocity is key. Meaning, to feel accepted and loved AND to love the other person. And to show it (and not just think it to yourself) to the other one, so both of you are feeling bonded.
Due to fear of not being able to find another partner or the pain of spending time with a new partner and starting all over again after investing so much time money and energy in your previous relationship are a few reasons to continue being in an unhappy relationship
The reason why you have "fear of not finding another partner," is because your "partner" has cut your self worth down to nothing. If you are weak, it's easier to control and take from you. 💔
@@Leo-mr1qz not the reason. the reason comes before that in your childhood. that partner is just one more confirmation that things are "normal".
@@robopecha It can be both factors together. You are right, though, most insecurity stems from sh!tty parents.
That's the old gambler's fallacy of throwing good money after bad. Think about the life you saved, not what was lost.
The more you invest in a losing relationship, the greater the loss
This wasn't so much a "how to escape unhealthy relationships" but a " realising you're in an unhealthy relationship" edit: okay thanks for changing the title :)
Good observation, though realising is in fact the first step to escape.
@@CinzaChumbo true!
It actually was...the main course of action is becoming curious about yourself. If you know what you have experienced isn't working, then you are to look within...the call is coming from inside. It's not a tailored made course of action, but it is the step to escaping. Remember, the goal of controlling a person starts with the brain...if you become curious about what is being said and done, you are now preparing for change...ask any abuser...they hate it
@@raesweety Yes of course, but the title was still not accurate, hence why they changed it to a more appropriate one.
Also, people coming from a bad place of origin often have no where safe to run away to, when the partnership fails, especially if they have dependent children
Didn't have children to him. But yeah, I had lost my father who was my rock. And so I really had to go it alone. I didn't discover that there were resources for women like me at the time. But when I did find the right help, it really changed me.
There are resources available and ways to get support that aren't family. It does make it harder, but not impossible.
Be your own safe space. Do it for yourself. Trust yourself.
@@genericbotfaceNo, there aren't always resources available. I've had to put off getting simple medical procedures, because I had no one to drive me home.
This, this, this. I only wish I had watched this video back in 2009, before I spent another seven years trying to "nice" my now ex-husband into stopping all the cheating and abuse. I could never lay down flat enough to smooth the way to him having better behavior. I understand that now, but it was an expensive lesson to learn.
I also wasted 8 years of my life with a narcissistic pr!ck. No marriage or kids, but an abusive nightmare living with him. Glad to hear you are well and safe now. ❤ Take care.
I married an abusive, alcoholic "glass bowl." I can't believe how long it took me to get out of that! But ultimately his second wife died from an "accident." That could have been me. We're the lucky ones who get out. But finding yourself and feeling safe is the truly hard part. Good luck to you!
I think a mature person will obviously be conscious of red flags and serious issues with another person, but will be mature enough to realize they themselves are not perfect and that they shouldn't expect that in other people
We tend to look for people and circumstances that support our core beliefs about ourselves. To change our outer world, we should aim to change our inner world first and challenge those limiting beliefs that someone had programmed into us.
oh wow this was very insightful to me
OMG - I know a woman just like this. It got to the point where her long-time boyfriend wanted to hurt her. She kept sticking her jaw out (so to speak). She became intolerable to me. She had so many people she clung to that treated her poorly. She would complain about it, but stick with them. It begins to drive you crazy. I had to ditch her for my sanity.
Yeah, guess you could call that insanity. Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Crazy-making crazy. Sorry but that type of person should be avoided by anyone who values progress in life.
that's sad
I know quite a few of those. It's self sabotage. And for as long as they're involved in this practice, you will be seen the enemy if trying to reason with. It's their current comfort zone somehow and you're viewed as danger by trying to show them another way. They can only get there in their own timeline. Each to their own path.
Watching this was like watching my past. For everyone in this situation, do your best to gather all of your strength to leave. Normal feels strange at first but once you are with someone who treats you well, you will wonder how you put up with dysfunction for all of those years.
I love the compassion in this message. A large part of the reason I stayed so long in a deeply unhappy relationship was shame. I was afraid that others would judge me for putting up with all that abuse.
This hits home.. when uve grown up with less than the ideal.. you have a hard time distingush whats normsl and not normal behavour.. since ur childhood was full of toxicity it isnt by any means a standard to hold up to
being belittled feels like "care" :)
3:11 - "We don't have to be here. We are - astonishingly - not five any more. If we're not happy, we can run. We're free. This is what being an adult should always have been about."
That’s why self esteem is so important. The first sign of shady behavior is time to go.
It's all subjective of course. It's about balance and respecting yourself while not becoming the asshole.
This approach is highly damaging as well. You need to balance out the willingness to work on the relationship and fix it with the realizations that sometimes, the person near you is not willing to put in the effort, or is just malevolent entirely.
All relationships are Not 100% perfect. It boils down to your degree of patience, compromise and absolutely zero tolerance for abuse.
You actually mean self respect. Self confidence is a totally different thing. You're welcome
@@da3musceteersExactly 💯🙌
It was the story of my life, but I didn't know why. Know I understand. Thanks to you. ❤❤❤
It's not all ourselves and our believe systems. People, even nice people, DO think you are inferior because you were less lucky in life ( not that they see it as luck, they see their own luck as an achievement. Or, at least they pride themselves in it as if it were an achievement.) Not talking about narcissists, just ordinary people. I think it's important to take this into account. People who'll RESPECT you (not pity you) even though you were unlucky in life are very hard to find. In the end you don't just want to be liked, you want respect in a relationship. If you feel they couldn't respect you even if they tried, better respect yourself according to your own value system, that differs from theirs in the fact that luck is not something worthy of respect.
Wonderfully precise and concise! Love the script and the delivery. Good analogy of the big fish with fins cut off, unable to navigate, riding on hope, going in circles. Congrats to a superb clip. Well thought out 🎉
This video triggered me and I don’t know if I can describe why it annoys me so much. If having awareness of my childhood was enough to stop me making “bad relationship decisions” then I would be a very successful person indeed. Instead, I can’t help but feel responsible for behaviour that I have no control over (someone else’s). If you are already in an abusive situation this won’t motivate you to leave but keep you in the guilt trap that keeps you stuck. Isolation is the best tactic used by abusers because it makes it very hard to leave. We must look beyond childhood and instead look to the present as to what we can do to help. Often that goes beyond constant self awareness and actually giving people the emotional, financial and practical support they need to leave abusive situations. As for situations that aren’t abusive but not “healthy” we can encourage people to develop better relationship skills and to learn healthy ways of getting their needs met by providing better education such as in schools (not just about sex education but also general relationships).
I think the video is only meant to explain, not give a solution. I do think therapy is one of the absolute best ways to make progress with the guilt, possibly because you are stuck with your interpretation of a video, but with an actual person, there is back and forth, and someone with the right training and intentions can see where your interpretations are skewing self-punishingly and your shaky attempts to stick up for yourself need another supportive and affirming voice. Admittedly therapy is usually a significant expense unless you have great health insurance. I would say daring to let people in (friends, coworkers whom you trust, etc) can also provide that support, so I would recommend it. I was very surprised at how willing my confidants were to listen or let me stay with them temporarily if I needed it. I ended up making it through without taking them up on the offer to stay with them, but knowing that safety net was there contributed to my confidence to make the right moves.
The fact we have to pay now just to be validated (what used to be called friendship) says it all. However, that also doesn’t mean that a friend should be a therapist because then you’d have to pay them. I think therapy won’t get you very far if you are isolated and lacking in support in other areas. Therapy does have the potential to be a catalyst for other support and healing. @@genericbotface
read my comment.... יוי
Guilt is the inability to reconcile past awareness with present awareness. No one can act above their level of consciousness. If we can recognise today a behaviour of ours that we don't consider healthy it's progress. We have evolved. The trap to avoid is believe we could have done better and feel guilt over it. We couldn't or we would have. Radical acceptance help understand that. Plenty material available online.
Interesting point you raised about guilt. I do believe some of us have an excess amount of guilt, whereas others seem incapable of feeling guilt without projecting it onto others. Awareness is certainly the first step and therapy can help with that. Does that require endless amount of therapy? Hmm 🤔 As Gabor Mate and others have discussed trauma is stored in the body. You can’t just become aware of it and BANG the trauma is gone 😂 Maybe sleep on it Allow yourself the space to be without having to perform to a certain expectation For me it’s hard to let go of the need to please unless I’m at breaking point by which point I explode (causing the guilty feelings later on) I now realise that I cannot allow myself to get to breaking point or even near it. This takes time to notice just how much you accept because abuse was the norm growing up. The hardest part comes in enforcing this change or what people call boundaries. If you are like me, you will feel the discomfort that the person disrespecting you should feel. In order to relieve this discomfort, you will try to appease the person disrespecting you. This then results in the person disrespecting you having no need to self reflect and therefore have their ego injured. If you were to confront them, they would do whatever it takes to wear you down because they have no way to cope with their ego being wrong and we reward this type of behaviour more than punish. How can you punish someone who doesn’t admit they are wrong? You can imprison them physically but mentally they will still believe they are innocent. You can then only ostracise them which is the highest punishment, to deny them an existence in your eyes at least. This only inflames their ego because they must be special to be persecuted and this level of confidence inevitably rubs off on others. Long story short: we all just want to be seen and validated. Some of us devalue ourselves in order to be acknowledged when deep down we know we deserve better but can never admit. Some of us over value ourselves in order to avoid feeling that we may in fact be worthless. Sometimes we experience both depending on the situation. In the end, we all 💩 and 💀 What was my point again? @@sunbeam9222
I think I may have just lost someone really important to me... after badgering him and nitpicking for months, he said he's had enough. This incessant arguing has been a trait in my past relationships. Not taking accountability, etc. From where I'm standing, I see that I have a problem, a big one...my fear off abandonment pushes everyone away... and I don't feel like I can control it... not well, at least, if at all. Also, as the video points out, I don't find my partner to be very kind... so I think, maybe I was trying to push him away... trying to break a cycle, trying to make space for a higher, more centered me, and better relationship... It may be both.
As a woman, for the longest time I thought that any man could do no wrong. It has only been within the past year that I am learning that perception is so not true. I have chosen not to seek a boyfriend who belittles me, who is arrogant, who is not loyal, who has a hidden agenda that could be detrimental to my mental health. As a result, I have been without a male companion for several years. But, I am okay with that. There is nothing worse than feeling uncared for while in a relationship.
🤗
oh my god,... the analogy of the tuna that had its fin cut off and lost any powers of navigation will haunt me forever.
That hit me hard.
I recently left someone where I thought for the first time ever he really liked me. But then he started hanging out a lot with this woman who he had sth casual half a year ago and going with her on vacation for three weeks, inviting her to his place so she can pursue her dream job for another four weeks ... and then he annouced he would spend 4 months with her in morocco ... and everytime I told him I was uncomfortable with this situation, he told me to trust him, to not interpret too much into this situation, that he sees her as a sister ... and I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping, I stopped smiling. Leaving him with my low self esteem was the hardest thing I ever did. Because it was the first time I felt loved. But it was not the love I wanted. It was a love on his terms. And I wanted something we could build together. It is hard for ppl who don't think they deserve love to leave a situation so confusing. But now I am gaining weight again and sleeping better ... sometimes you are better off alone :)
Great to see this topic covered! 💖
i have a friend stuck in an unhealthy relationship with her mother. Sadly not knowing enough to leave it behind. She has to ask her mother for everything even though she is a mother herself and has been an adult for a few years. She feels at least 5 years younger than me but we're basically the same age.
Enmeshed and infantalized by her mother, perhaps. I'm sorry for your friend.
make her get therapy.
Thank You. This is exactly what I needed.
Thank you SOL. This year I left my partner. All throughout the relationship my loved ones told me they were worried for me and even that they were scared for my safety. The police took out a restraining order against her to protect me but I still didn’t leave for over a year. I don’t know how I can possibly trust myself, I don’t know how I can avoid winding up in another relationship like this.
Remember, parents: you're not raising a child. You're raising an adult.
Thank you for sharing these insights.
Very enlightening video as always
This one. Of all the videos over all the years I've watched this channel, this is the one that got the floodgates to open.
So well put, thank you!
This didn’t really say how. It said why.
its really just clickbait. mean.
I like this channel, but I don't think this video addresses that some people can be overly demanding of their partner. I care about my relationship, but the relationship just ended because it was too exhausting to keep up with my companion's emotional need for me to always be doing things for her. I don't think I'm a bad person or even a bad companion. I am somewhat quiet, and work is an area of focus for me, but people around could clearly see the warmth and affection I always showed her. Some people just want to do other things with our lives in addition to serving our companion.
well nobody can tell from this who is the one that needs therapy in your case. when in doubt: both of you.
Your life should never be serving your companion. It's a partnership.
This is my problem with the general consensus surrounding relationships, I just find them exhausting - the upkeep and time into it. More on the consensus, there's music, poems, movies, social pressures and literature that 'gears' us up to idolising relationships, mainly romantic relationships. More often than not romantic relationships just don't live up to the expectations, they don't really complete you. Some of us are content with simple, easy relationships - typically friendships, neighbours or family. Some of us just want to be left alone or at least in peace & quiet, without being compelled and coerced into 'keeping up'.
@@bq4416 you are dating the wrong people. find a person that is like your friends. or like you. someone you respect, who respects you and is easy and fun to live with.
You had different expectations of what a healthy relationship looks like. You simply were not made for each other. Find someone who is like you and wants less time together. It's that simple.
Poor tuna
I hope ppl who are trapped by users would watch this video and gain clarity and resolve to leave. I have never been in the shoe my whole life into my 6th decades but I understand the feeling of being trapped (and never liked it). Free will and seeking freedom are God given rights. You can step out and survive being by yourself.
❤ I love this channel
Please continue the Philosophy and Literature videos... please do Victor Hugo next!!
I do believe that Epictetus and Seneca deserve their own videos. Also: Fernando Pessoa.
@@absurd.. if it was up to me they should do all, it's the best and most interesting series in youtube
The quest for knowledge of self will often lead to a relationship ending because it reveals previously overlooked aspects of the dynamic.
Thank you!
Thank you for another quality video 🤍
Again and again so single for quite sometime. I love me in al my grazyness and look for someone Who is is honest about their grazyness. Thank you for pointing this out to me ❤
I watch this like 8 times already and I have so many questions.....
which are?
good timing
Happy now year to all concerned of School of Life, especially Allan de Botton!
The most painful thing I've seen are people who KNOW their partner are jerks but like it. "Sure, he belittles me in public, but I love it!"
Attraction works in mysterious ways. If one has a core belief that they're not worthy, a jerk will sound like Prince charming. Their conscious thought will say what a jerk and their subconscious core belief will add he's perfect for me!
Thank you
I really wish the School of Life stops having the end video advertisement so soon- it always covers up the large portion of the main video and distracts me from the important words I want to hear at the very end of the videos, please consider moving the end of video advertisement to the actual end of the video 🙏🏼
Relationships are complicated. Much much much safer and happier alone. Humans are so flawed and pain only bring the worst in me. People are better at a distance and best kept that way. Loneliness is easier to endure than repeated trauma and abuse. At least until I learn how to vet potential mates properly and uphold my standards.
I'm totally in this space right now. Scary to be alone. But also good to acknowledge that serious space and self reflection is needed. We have to be our own best friend in this world
I’m really happy that the school of life decide to reduce the time watch. Before it’s too long and it make me lose focus. You guy would start working on short connect for one minute and ventricle views to gain more attraction
Toxic parenthood
Many parents hate their children. They hate the responsibility and the risk of injury their children can inflict on them through the child's death or its own suffering. They hate the monotony and limitations and that their children did not fix the damage their own parents did to them. I watched a woman raise her 2-month child up over her head with every intention of throwing it against the wall because the child gave out a little squeak of displeasure when she picked it up from the crib and disturbed its sleep. If I had not been in the room that child would have died that day. Later she told me the rage was caused by the cry. She interpreted it as rejection. The one human being that was supposed to love her unconditionally had rejected her. Millions of people are wounded by their parents, and they use partners and their own children to repair these wounds. It never works. The only way to repair these wounds is to face them directly. Own your fears (inadequacies) and take responsibility for them. Rejection by parents is a form of trauma. It comes in many forms.
Simple truths spelled out. ❤
take care w this advice....yes, the partner you chose may not be what you need now. Quitting is a bad habit....especially when children are involved. יוי
It's a scary truth..
I need the late, great Maya Angelou to get her credit for that "famous expression," SOL. Please and thanks in advance. Great video otherwise. 🙂
My last ex took me on a very long ride…7 years, I feel like I missed out on the joys of light heartedly getting to date around in my 20s to Eventually find a long term partner or attain marriage. I regret it, I got really deep into the rinse and repeat cycle he put me through, I didn’t know how to cope with a relationship like ours and I had a hard time breaking free.
the title is wrong. you are not giving any advice for how to escape, jus why people can't just break up.
How you know you are with someone with childhood trauma? how you know you doing something the person with childhood trauma doesn't like if she doesn't communicate with you? How you know? How you know? Or like even if you try doing your best or at least the best with your knowledge at the time if the person with childhood trauma doesn't communicate? At fault for now knowing what she is going through?
If she isn't communicating with you about her past, most likely she doesn't trust you. She doesn't trust you enough to be vulnerable with you. You need to exhibit traits and actions that shows that she can open up to you. People with trauma usually don't walk around advertising their mistreatment or abuse. You can tell by their actions, over time with them, how they react differently to stimuli, how the jump to negative conclusions instead of weighing the pros and cons of the situation, how it's difficult for them to be close and intimate with others, etc.etc. Until she is willing and motivated to heal herself, she will continue the same strategies she used to make it through the abuse in the present, until it just doesn't work for her any longer.
Your job is to communicate. If despite it you are not met with the same courtesy, up to you to decide if you want to carry on with this dynamic exactly as it is now, or move on. Don't make the mistake of believing her inability to communicate efficiently is your responsibility. Do your part. Be open. Available. Caring. And give her space. Don't try doing the job for her, or compensate for the lack of communication by putting words in her closed mouth and coming up with a narrative that you like but truly, only imagine. Don't fill up the blank for her. Evaluate what's your part and what's hers for a healthy relationship, discuss it. Then decide what you want to do with the infos presented to you.
Thanks
Because we are all needy of validation and self worth, buy a dog and experience unconditional love, for most people are C-nts
I'm 25, and just realised that i came from a home with an absent father and verbally abusive mother. My first partner at 19 was verbally degrading/abusive and my second was disinterested. I'm not quite sure what a "stable" loving relationship is even supposed to look like, so I've decided not to try again. But can't help but wonder if I'm missing out on something.
You should listen to the lyrics from the Jimi Hendrix track 51st anniversary to better develop your grasp of the human condition. ❤
Always the victim, if you are emotional immaturity from negligence or abuse chances are YOU are also ill equipped to feel/demonstrate/actualise the true or sincere kindness as well. Broken homes make broken people. They don't just set you up to to be abused, they set you up to be an abuser too. This is the hard truth almost never touched on by this channel and honestly, as a person who tries their hardest to reflect on everything, it's endlessly frustrating watching this and KNOWING how many unfair, self preserving and selfish narcissists watch this and think 'so true, that's just like my position' without an ounce of any reflection because it's simply too difficult to pierce that pathetically manufactured only outward looking perspective. The video ends with encouraging agency and individuation, maybe you could do that WITHIN the relationship too. As someone subconsciously manipulative who has been with abusers, I find it so depressing one would advocate for agency but never to use that agency to look in the mirror,
This was a valuable point. This is youtube after all. Appealing to your audience gets the clicks. Reflection is the only way to find happiness, since it must be a something you make yourself capable of.
You know i heard about shadow work and didn’t really know what it meant. But from what I’ve under stand so far, it’s exactly what you’re mentioning, to integrate(look in the mirror at), the parts of yourself you felt you needed to hide for love (usually the anxious partner who may feel abused). The common other part of this pairing is avoidant who should also do their shadow work. Then in theory this means they are carrying their own wounds and healing their inner child and not expecting their partner to do the carrying/or themselves repeating subconscious behaviours that could have an undertone of subtle manipulation. Whether this works well or not and if it illuminates abuse I’m not sure, esp if one of the partners has narcissistic or psychopathic personality. Either way we should defo do our own development and use it as a tool to stay away from poor behaviour in relationships! Also apologies if I totally got this wrong to anyone who gets it, still trying to figure out what it all means ✌🏼
Being an integrated grown up imo is taking full accountability for anything we think, feel and do. It's knowing how to parent the child within. I sometimes wonder why therapists sugar coat the process, maybe it's the right way because people cannot go from victim mentality to thriving on the spot. They need to feel validated in each stage first before moving onto the next. And get given just a small stepping stone for that. And however small, it's still access towards self reflection and emotional maturity?
@@sunbeam9222 Why is there a question mark at the end of your comment.
@@Unlucky-Dube because that's an hypothesis surfing my mind. I'm not a therapist and don't know for sure
We don't have to be here 😔❤
💔 This is a sad and complex tale. Pressures put on parents in society today take a toll on their family environment. For example, daycare was supposed to be the last resort, nowadays it's rare that you meet a child who hasn't been brought up in daycare. Two incomes to maintain a basic way of life, and the compusion to "keep up with the Jones's" is ridiculous!!! There are a miltitude of factors for the mistreatment of children, the unsavory lovers we choose as adults, and the idiocy of most of us not putting two amd two together until it's "too late." All we can do, is remember to love ourselves for who we know we are, and proceed with caution when walking into the fire of love. 🔥 📛 💜
Fire is an interesting choice of words. My new, non-toxic, relationship doesn't feel like fire, it feels like warmth.
@@JLakis Love is a whirlwind of elements. Fire can bring warmth and it can create chaos. Finding warmth in your relationship is a good sign. 💛
It gets much more complicated with children connected to the relationship.
thanks
i didnt like the ending. especially with this title. there was literally NO how to. a person stuck in this cannot just leave without help.
summary of this video's directions for how to escape unhealthy relationships can be summed up in one word - leave. How novel and insightful...
People don't leave until they find a lifeboat
…some end up going down with the ship.
To quote Warren Buffett (about finance.. but strangely applies here as well) - “Should you find yourself in a chronically leaking boat, energy devoted to changing vessels is likely to be more productive than energy devoted to patching leaks.”
Please can you create a video on boarding School survivors
This is crazy. 😢😢😢😢😢😢
As much as I love the school of life videos, I found the thumbnail on this one to be a bit off. It says "Why you will never leave them". I don't think that's appropriate. I think it would be far better to have it say "Why you may struggle to leave them".
I wasted approximately thirty years of adult life before I finally broke up with my childhood "family"
Nice❤
The healthy or the unhealthy way...
Look doc, here's the situation. I'm 33. I'm unemployed. I still live with my parents. My dad and I have yelling matches sometimes. There are rare occasions that those progress into slap fights (usually slapping the arms, not the torso or face). I don't usually have positive feelings about my dad. Ever since that therapy session where I admitted (in front of my mom) that I was spending those $60 at gentleman's clubs, not fancy restaurants...and she came into my rented home and screamed at me, I don't have great feelings about my mom either (at least I usually don't have great feelings about my mom, though sometimes I do, she's a little more nurturing). Dad is the one I wish would not exist sometimes. Mom is fine. Sometimes I feel like slapping either one of them when I feel like they are not listening to me. I've only ever slapped my dad. That was because he was pissed at me for destroying property.
The ‘Jerk’ left me, which made me feel like the bad guy. I was willing to put up with a lot more heartache. They said it was their issue. Still, I feel like I should have been strong enough to leave.
So true
I would like to bring up the point that sometimes you go through unhealthy rough patches because people get injured, lose jobs, and go through normal life curve balls. Make sure this isn't the case.
@theschooloflifetv Why not attribute the “famous quote”?
Why in generalisations the perpetrator is depicted or behaviour is described as male only? Wouldn't it be more nuanced and helpful given both male and female perpetrators have different behaviours therefore generalisations of abuse would seem bias? Is it anti abuse or anti male ?
I thought I was the toxic one, or maybe I am... But that doesn't mean he isn't toxic in what he did.
Amen
It explains my sister's choice 🤔
i love this channel but lately i need advices on how to save the relationship instead of just runaway with other person. we need more media saying we can save relationships. mine is so fucked but i still want to do something about it but its so hard.
There is couple's therapy, but start with you first! Sometimes you have to let go.
be very, very honest with yourself: Does the other person want this as bad as you want it? Does your partner have the same idea of what the relationship should look like? Does he/she have roughly the same need for connection? If all of the questions were answered with yes it is worth a try. If not you NEED to LEAVE.
❤
But then I’ll be aloneeeee and sometimes I think that would be worse😢
Nothing is worse than being with someone that makes you feel worthless and alone.
It’s so much better trust me! Finally get in touch with what makes you happy and then bring that importance to your new happy healthy relationship!
the fear of unpredictability.
I can fix him!
go fix yourself!
@@robopecha LOVE CAN HEAL ANYTHING!
Very late in life indeed. I turned 42 yesterday
Happy birthday 😊 welcome to your new life
You’re here now though and thats great ❤️🥳wish you the best years of your life ahead d
Its a lot more complicated having had kids with them. The trappening is real.
This video leaves out probably the most important part of abusive relationships, financial dependence. I don't know why you think adults are free, because they're absolutely not. The immense financial burden placed on adults is overwhelming and absurdly abusive itself, and it creates a system of tolerance towards abuse that transcends all human interactions, including intimate relationships or otherwise. That abusive partner could just as easily be replaced by an abusive boss. I do not think simply saying, "your not 5 anymore" is an effective analysis of the situation or an appropriate response to feelings of being trapped in an abusive relationship. Obviously, it is very difficult to leave these relationships, because of our societies apparent lack of freedom. Suggesting that it's merely psychological dependency is very naive and inappropriate. Battered wife syndrome is a perfect example of how financial dependency can lead to horrible abuse. As adults, we know nothing is free. We are quite literally gated on everything, based on the money we possess. We can't just move out or leave at any time. The fact of the matter is, societal systems conspire to abuse us before we're even born, and long into adulthood. Suggesting otherwise would be to dismiss the single most obvious problem and solution to dependency.
👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍
Not true I'm done for good now.
This is me 😕
The school we don't graduate.