Why Is Everyone So Emotionally Detached? - David Brooks
David Brooks is a columnist for The New York Times, a commentator, and an author.
We’re often told to control our emotions, but is that actually what we want? Or do we want to be confident enough to feel them fully? Instead of becoming too detached, how can we reconnect with our feelings and embrace life more fully?
Expect to learn why men have been conditioned to be so emotionally cut-off, why being stoic or aloof is perceived to be attractive, why so many people are repressed, how to accurately see people and make them feel comfortable, how to open up without triggering your fear, how to improve the energy you enter a room with and much more…
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00:00 We Are Ignoring Our Emotions
05:34 Emotions Allow Us to Experience Life
11:09 The Vulnerability of Being Open
16:16 How to Balance Rationality & Emotion
21:11 Society’s Lack of Earnestness
24:17 Reacting to Sean Strickland & Theo Von
27:40 Seeing Each Other More Deeply
33:48 How to Be Comfortable With Feelings
41:42 The Powerful Use of Silence
44:44 How to Notice People Who Are Down
49:06 The Bravery of Being Open
52:26 How to End a Conversation Better
57:43 Questions to Make a Conversation Deeper
1:00:59 Where to Find David Brooks
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Hello you savages. Get my free Reading List of 100 life-changing books here - chriswillx.com/books/ Here's the timestamps: 00:00 We Are Ignoring Our Emotions 05:34 Emotions Allow Us to Experience Life 11:09 The Vulnerability of Being Open 16:16 How to Balance Rationality & Emotion 21:11 Society’s Lack of Earnestness 24:17 Reacting to Sean Strickland & Theo Von 27:40 Seeing Each Other More Deeply 33:48 How to Be Comfortable With Feelings 41:42 The Powerful Use of Silence 44:44 How to Notice People Who Are Down 49:06 The Bravery of Being Open 52:26 How to End a Conversation Better 57:43 Questions to Make a Conversation Deeper 1:00:59 Where to Find David Brooks
“Everyone”? I’m not. And though I like to think of myself as a unique individual on occasion, pretty sure I’m not the only one.
@@SRCX.ClimateResearch I’ve met plenty of humans and haven’t seen evidence of this in a majority of humans. Mostly what I see is a fear of death and loss of control masked by material goals and acquisition of more, “better “things” and “better people, et. al. My argument (hopefully) it’s clearly not objectively “THE goal of humankind(all humans”. Excited for your counter!
I’d like to see Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life on this list.
My wife walked out after I lost my job, and my dad had texted me he had terminal cancer. My heart became rock.
That’s devastating 😞.
Hope you are doing better my friend. May God give you solace and hope things turn up better.
You have experienced terrible losses, yet you have prevailed. You are strong.
Allowing vulnerability through these hard experiences shows great character keep pushing my friend
That’s really tough….
"If you see the world objectively, people will be objective. If you see the world critically, people will feel judged, and you'll see judgment. You'll see flaw. But if you see the world humanely, you'll see people doing the best they can in difficult circumstances. So the way you cast attention determines what you see."
I always tell folks this… sometimes, you’ll see what you’re looking to see. Perpetuating a vicious cycle of cynicism. Having an internal locust of control determines your maturity. Do you feel your problem are your own doing, or the worlds? The latter being an external locus, in which case it’s time to work on oneself. Nobody knows why we exist. All confidence is simply a choice…
A piece of advice that I used with my kids that served me well: you have to catch people doing something right, the same way that most will catch someone doing something wrong.
Brilliant advice x
The world needs charity- for if you live with Jesus Christ ❤ you will love your neighbor as Jesus wants you to love. Human love is weak otherwise
@@Mediation_is_the_Solution Yeshua was a seriously dope man. But the Bible is mostly political pimpery filled with antiquated hate and structures. Build a relationship with god thru oneself, in personal growth and natural piety, generosity and integrity like he did. Anyway no more coffee for me! Y’all have a good day!
My Mom went through stage 4 non Hodgkins Lymphoma in 2008. Went through chemo, lost her hair. She and Dad would go to church, and people would come up to them. Many times, they would ignore mom, work their way around the side of Dad, and ask Dad how Mom was doing. She said, I can hear them asking and it annoys the heck out of me they don't ask me directly. She felt lost about it and told my Dad how she felt. Dad had a friend he grew up with as kids who was battling cancer, and he realized he was doing the same to his friend. He drove to see his childhood friend the next day and told her that story and he felt sorry he was ignoring her. They talked for a few hours, and she died 2 weeks later. Mom is doing well. Cancer free, 84 now and doing good.
I'll keep that in mind for sure. Very sweet of your dad.
Before watching this video, I can list a few things that makes me feel emotionally detached: 1. Everything nowadays is taken to the extreme. A good example are all the videos labeled as "stunning" or "shocking." Eventually you become desensitized and might not treat something that is really shocking with the attention it deserves. 2. Most of our political leaders are terrible people. They turn everything into simplified good or bad, left or right issues while ignoring all the nuances because it's easier to fit stupid simple explanations into bumper sticker slogans. So you end up on either side of the spectrum. Either you hate something or love it, and this emotionally burns us out. 3. We no longer "get out" in the real world and deal with a variety of people. This detaches us from the real world and the feelings of regular people 4. Our economic system treats us as stats rather than real people. I always hear discussions about GDP, CPI, quarterly earnings reports, etc.... I rarely see the media translate this into real people. We need more "people reports" to go along with all the economic reports.
Very true. We need to learn this as individuals. Once enough individuals change the world will change for the better even just a little
It is to be expected of a society as individualist as america. Individualism sounds and looks great on the surface- humans are not preferring of total complete individualism and we are reaping the fruit of the seeds society has been sowing for the past 20 years.
All these paint the individual as the victim. We do not have to take on any of this. Don't like whats in front of you? Go find what you want. It's out there. Don't like the way social media does what it does? Don't engage. Or read between the lines. Change your algorithm. Join social media groups which focus on individual problems. We have to stop blaming the world that we created. Change it or find what you need somewhere else.
#3 negates (& explains) your #2.
Man, I think you might be just be currently sad or depressed. The world has been a chaos from inception. There will always be "big buildings" and "their respective shadows". Structure yourself. Work hard toward some goals on improving yourself and things will be inevitably better, don't you think?
Usually the “not giving a fuck phase” comes after you’ve been fucked over and over.
The worst state is sadism. Enjoying the hurt, because you see the world being so fucked up that it becomes the coping strategy in the anarchy of it. You become the Joker. The psycho. The narcissist. The manipulator. The thing goes negative. Not giving a fuck is like the center thing. Caring and being in your emotion and vulnerable self is the positive state.
@@techpiller2558nope😅. U probably HAVEN'T BEEN F## OVER DEVASTATINGLY. if u were taught to be good and then you encounter betrayal you can logically come to reason that maybe you just temporary bad luck that you got betrayal in the place you didnt deserved and then it happened again, A men can only take so much before he comes back for blood for all the betrayal he faced, right? Or what happens is you become numb because you are still alive you dont want to go out of your way to give betrayal to some other people, just to feel even. So you become "i dont really care" person, Thats better then becoming joker, thats what the most world is iv seen. Once you realise all this them you come to the final conclusion of EVERYTHING which is EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS RANDOM. You got unlucky severely then some else somebody got super good lucky even when they didnt deserved it. You dont even choose your birthplace. How random can your life be more then this? Even jeff besos is lucky elon musk is lucky there are countless people who worked hard but have 0 recognition in life, they are literally nobody.
I think the crisis of men is particularly sad because I’m sure a lot of us have tried. We’ve tried to build a relationships. We’ve tried to improve our finances. Yet all we have to show for it is lives devoid of meaningful connections and purpose. We’re viewed as disposable and worthless so it’s no surprise there’s an epidemic of young men that have decided to disconnect from society.
The real issue is that we have created such a highly individualstic, selfish culture that we barely have any empathy for the other person. Even your so called "friends" will most likely stop being your friend when you seek out their help for something that involves money. I've noticed that lot of people love to pretend they care about something or someone using words, but that rarely translates to actual actions. They do that to maintain social etiquette, but will rarely ever do anything to actually help that person, especially financially.
Maybe the means should be and end in and of itself, not to will a particular outcome.
@@Ghostrider-ul7xn I agree, its much harder to give actual help than simply saying it. I would not feel able to financially help anyone out as my family are struggling already. But a friend is moving house and has limited time. I seemed the only one in our friend group able to help out and I offered to do so. But even after I offered verbally I felt reluctance to actually help in reality. I am a 52 yo mother of 3 and although reasonably ‘fit’ my fear is that I’ll get over tired and won’t be able to get my own required tasks done at home. But I did go and help and it was more enjoyable and wasn’t as hard as I expected and I don’t feel over tired. And I would like it if my friends reciprocated for me if I was ever in need. But that is the reason I would hesitate to help someone (fear of running out of energy to look after my own or my family’s needs - which then causes disharmony and stress at home).
Great point.
it’s that transaction of vulnerability at the expense of potentially getting burned. so much easier said than done. we just gotta keep being vulnerable but also having the tools set aside incase we get left in the dirt. rebuild and retry.
Stoicism isn’t about being aloof and not engaging with people. Having feelings is great. The key is not lose control.
You're 100% right on this. The problem is that a good amount of young men nowadays aren't taught how to control their emotions. I certainly wasn't taught. I had to learn on the fly. How does one impart that knowledge on our young men.
@@davidpeltier9148 , relatable my good man. I’d say that leading by example is best. Fathers can live their daily lives around their kids and wife. Whilst doing that, be tough mentally and physically. Also have empathy. Theirs sons will learn from the example.
And I've always thought about it as "be willing to show weakness/feelings to the people that have your back, but not to just any random person that doesn't have your best interests in mind".
@andrebaxter4023 Thanks man. I'm becoming a new father this coming fall and it's been something that has been on my mind.
I think the confusion is the colloquial use of the word “stoic” vs “stoicism”. When people say someone is stoic or appears stoic, they are not referring to stoicism in the slightest.
"Your emotions are valid unless they're not the one's I think you should have." Yep, I've been hearing that all my life. Sure, you're better than me, whatever.
… and experiencing | seeing alike sufficiently times too often may entail for ppl. deliberately taking ‘jerkish turns’ henceforth, for good. so may those others connect to selves now, just short circuiting. won’t make much difference, presumably.
Before listening to the pod - I've already noticed in my everyday experience that many people (who also happened to be emotionally detached) were emotionally neglected in their childhood. In my case it was by a narcissistic family that always got mad at me when I had real needs that a child has but my needs got in the way of their needs for self esteem, respect within the community, etc. So they taught me that my needs and emotions don't matter and I'm bad for having them, so I grew up thinking emotions are useless why even have them. Even worse - I treated them as a source of discomfort and bad outcomes. I notice this in many of my peers too (20s-early 30s).
no kidding
Same. 🫶
That's Dr. Gabot Maté stuff, e.g., Attachment AND Authenticity -- WHEN denied, shut down, dis-allowed, and not cultivated -- we get not fully well educed home grown free range humans.
I can relate.
For me I actually still hold these beliefs. I still believe my emotions are useless and even if you tell me otherwise my mind wont change because of my experiences. Theres no way out of it because I simply haven't been proven otherwise.
I’ve watched many of Chris’s podcasts since discovering him, like a lot of you here. I have to say this episode impacted me the most, it triggered some emotions that I’ve pushed deep down inside me. Trying to work my job today while holding back tears throughout. I’ve come home and I’m currently re listening to it again while writing down issues that connect with me. Although this is deeply uncomfortable for me, this where true growth happens and I learn to connect and understand myself better. This will benefit me undoubtably in the future. “The magic we seek is in the work we are avoiding.” Wherever you are on your journey of self development you’re not alone. Thank you Chris.
Mr Brooks has that “something more” element about him, doesn’t he? Resonates at a deeper level. 🙌
I withdrew and bottled up during last few years of my school, stopped talking to anyone and ultimately i gave up on myself and because of that I lost all the beautiful possibilities in my life, now I am 47 and have nothing to show for it and nothing to look forward to
I turned 50 yesterday. Watching this made me realise I’ve given up on myself too, at least in terms of believing I can or deserve to find a loving partner. I use my kids or other relationships in my life as a get out - I’m a write off but I’m doing my best to make sure they’re not. But maybe that’s a cowardly way to be; a cop out. I’m going to try harder to find and build a relationship - to have that thing in life that makes life better, whatever the risk.
Just started the video and David Brooks mentioned singing a song to a stranger while looking into their eyes. It reminded me of my childhood and intentional, emotional connection. I was in a professional boys choir that went on concert tours, performed at symphonies and for heads of state. For one song, called ‘Dream a Dream’, we would leave the stage midway through the song, each find a stranger in the audience, take their hand, look them in the eyes and sing the rest of the song to them. There would always be initial discomfort for the audience member, especially adult males, but they would eventually succumb and accept the connection sort of speak. I performed that song as a chorister for about 4 years and always intentionally selected a female, maybe due to intimidation and my own insecurities, until my final time singing the song. It was the last performance on my last concert tour as a chorister (was retiring/“voicing out”), and I intentionally selected an adult male - he bawled. I was just 15 years old but it was sort of like a lightbulb moment that men indeed need connection as well, and you just never really know what someone is experiencing and the impact a small gesture can make.
This is beautiful!
@@blondscientist ✨
Today I’m going to look a stranger in the eye and sing the lyrics to the song by cannibal corpse ‘force fed broken glass’ .. results shall be interesting
Omg what a story!
Had that done to me at a show. I left. Be very careful in that situation, you might be holding a psycho's hand.
Until this point I always listened to your podcasts with a selection. I looked for James, Goggins etc. and now this interview pops up and realized that you’re not only great at hosting but truly finding great minds. You inspire and help through your content!
Very interesting comment section today. As for the emotions, I never had a problem feeling my emotions. I had a problem dealing with them. Learning to focus. I still can't find someone to talk to about how I really feel. Those people cost money. So the internet becomes my proxy therapist. I throw my ideas out there, and if I am dramatically stupid or wrong, people set me straight. That seems to work.
People on the internet can sometimes be easier to open up to than a therapist or someone close to you because their reaction to what you tell them won't affect you. You will be honest with them and they will be honest with you in thr best interactions.
The process of identifying your thoughts and feelings and then expressing them with clarity can feel therapeutic. Also, the responses you get sometimes have the benefit of covering a range of values, from worthless to enriching. You get to choose which ones resonate with you, unlike with a therapist, who will probably have one response. One exercise I like to do is refuse to be offended by critical responses. Before dismissing them, mine them for any truths they may contain. The good news is that you can choose to do this at your own pace, when you're ready to reap the benefits they may provide.
I find that people are so quick to tell you what they dislike thinking that will telegraph their personality, which they would love you to see, but that only hides it further. People dont want to tell you what they specifically love. They feel it shows vulnerability. People will always tell you if they hate somthing eg: coriander. But rarely will someone randomly tell you for eg: "You know what, I really love the colour orange!" I've eventually arrived at the point where I trust people more if they tell me what they love more often than they tell me what they dislike.
I’m so grateful that I surround myself with people who still talk to each other. I start talking to people in waiting rooms, queues, of course if they’re receptive enough! Most of the time they are and we have a good time! Amazing interview as always, Chris. Thanks for bringing David on! ✌🏽
The problem with Therapy like i told fella i had seen , "You claim to be wanting to help me but you're charging me $220 /hr which means YOUR interests are being served !".... Shows like this and Many more on KZhead for the masses is the way to help yourself and NOT a "For Profit" health system... Be good to yourselves ❤
Same kind of British-style upbringing here, Chris. Emotions? Let's make a joke about it and move on. Uncomfortable situation? Let's get out of it as fast as possible. Kids are expected to either be quiet or already know how to manage their emotions. It's taken 15 years of steady daily work to uncover all the dark aspects of my inner world. And I'm so much better for it. Very interesting how the Queen's choice of how to show up in the world has a massive impact of people's views on vulnerability and emotional honesty. How do my ancestors show up? Scottish clearances, Irish potato famine and persecution meant moving to a new continent sight unseen. Lack of autonomy and options for women meant really sad, challenging choices by my female ancestors. Yes, it all comes home to roost, unless you face it and unpack it.
I'm not that old - late 20's & Even I remember when people used to talk with strangers in public 😢
I do it and it doesnt go well often but i still do it. Lots of ppl r so broken they dont know how to respond to strangers
It depends on the area. if you're in a east coast city, people would assume you want something. If you're in middle of nowhere, most of the reactions I got was to assume I was lost and looked for the way home 😅.
Love talkin with strangers. Its a geogeaphic thing Grww up in md..east coast Talkin with strangers creates connection and feels good. I live in tx now. Cowboy country East coast. Ny etc may be rude but they have a sense of community. A sense of shooting the shit with a stranger I assume that the farther west u go thus comm feeling is lost. Thought bout moving back east bc of this reason. Sense of community. Saying hi to a stranger Its fuckin awesome and soooo healthy
I will never forget the first time I rode the subway in NYC just after 9/11. Everyone looked at each other. Really looked at each other. The veil of bs had fallen. We were all in the same boat. We were all vulnerable and there was no sense in denying it. People talked to each other about it, about our fears. I'll always remember those few days when reality was ever present in its nakedness and we lived in our oneness so to speak. Then they told us to get back to normal life i.e. jobs and shopping and watching TV and going to Disneyland and stuff
Great interview. I always loved the spirited debates between David Brooks and Mark Shields every Friday on the PBS Newshour.
Me too!
@@shanesawyer5103 Me three!
Chris, your humanity really shone through on this one. We all want to be better, don't forget to just "be".
Learning that you’ve been emotionally resistant thinking that you’ve been emotionally resilient is one of the most devastating but important moments any person faces.
This is a breath of fresh air, and love how Brooks come to his conclusions and how he gets it wrong etc.
Funerals don't give closure. The truth is...very rarely in life will you get closure. Its a BS term made up to make sense of the nonsensical; and grieving, in many ways, is nonsensical. There is no quick fix. Ask anyone who has lost someone...and I mean lost someone who they loved more than their own life - someone who was visibly devastated at a funeral or memorial service - someone like me who lost my Dad suddenly and in a shocking way. 3 days after when the funeral was held (when many Western Christians hold services) I was so destroyed and in shock and discheveled looking that on top of my sadness, it was humiliating too. Everyone staring at me. I had never had a time in my adult life up until then where I couldn't contain my emotions, until then. Did that whole "show" give me closure?? HELL NO! If anything, it made it worse. Closure is something only time will help, not some human made-up ritual like a memorial service. 22 years later and I still feel his loss. Everyday. I realize this video is about the disconnection of feelings, and I most certainly DON'T have that problem...but I am interested in those who DO have this problem. I wonder if it is a protection mechanism, something the brain does subconsciously- akin to the physiological shock state which, fir a time, cancels out physical pain? 🤔 Are some people's brains able to react in the same way to emotional pain? It would seem so. But my question is... is that an automatic response or external conditioning from what many of us are taught - to be stoic and to "get over things" rapidly. As in my example of my Father's funeral. Even then in my altered state - I remember thinking having to dress up and be in public and see people and have my raw grief on display was nothing short of traumatic. At least for me, I'm not exaggerating. Anyone who saw me that day would back that up. I think its a worthy area to research - again, as in the example of a memorial service/funeral - what makes some people feel better or gain "closure" through that ritual, and what is it in others of us who only feel worse? But applied to anything emotional- what makes some of more detached, and what makes some of us more affected by emotionality? And why do some shut down and more closed off to others? And why do some of us come out of something devastating feeling MORE emotional, and perhaps empathetic towards other's suffering. Fascinating subject matter that again, is definitely worthy of more discussion and research. Just to comment on a later point made in the video about 3/4 through...I think all these current messages to not care what others think of us is only further detaching everyone. We humans are biologically social beings. To be successful at relationships, we have to care. We have to be aware and have empathy. We have to be cautiously vulnerable. Anyone who doesn't behave this way or who is shut down completely will not have healthy relationships; not with others, or, I'd argue - not with ourselves either.
Agree-my dad passed suddenly and after being together for 50yrs, it was particularly hard on my mum. I actually ended up part-qualifying as a cousellor, to learn tools to help her. The one biggest thing i learnt-how to be there. The power of holding her hand as we watched tv, letting her cry without trying to fix her (and always having tissues in). Just listening and the power of saying nothing at all. Trying to 'fix' her, wouldve been about my needs. Allowing her to feel her feelings and just being there, was for her. And it made all the difference.
My Mother handled my father’s death a bit too well looking back on it . We all deal with things differently though
Many older women are freed once their husband dies.
@@wyleecoyotee4252 yes, and I'm genuinely happy for them when I see that. My parents were each others 1st loves. They met when she was 14/ him 16. They dated until they married-on her 20th birthday and, 'til death do us part' -still as much in love. The spark went out of her, when we lost dad. She still did her usual things, but she became far quieter. She told me she couldn't feel 'joy' anymore.
💛
@@aletha460 that’s my goal with my wife. That kind of deep pair bonding is so rewarding over time even if it can be so devastating at the end.
Psychiatrist here. Downloading this episode. Sooo good! Great job you two!!
How to get through someone so highly walled up, potentially with big traumas, scared & in pain, in a way that is safe and gentle to them? How to make them know you won't hurt them & you appreciate their entire humanity, not polished parts only? I recently lost from my life someone I started caring about with my heart and soul, due to communication issues on both side. Not everyone can talk and tell their story with words! Especially if they were abused, and are raised neglected and uncared for.
Attunement, consistency, and patience builds trust. It's probably what they lacked as a child.
Jordon Peterson had an interview with a person that would have been a school shooter, he didn't go through with it because of a single person that treated him like he wasn't crazy. The take-away is to treat them normal and not like a patient or someone you're trying to fix. Invite them to movie nights, play games, go outside, whatever. Normal stuff. If they never open up, allow that be their problem, not yours.
@@DrakeG4that’s good advice. I will keep this in mind, thanks
I understand that doing a podcast with people like you do is more difficult over Zoom and it doesn't look as 'good' as the studio ones. However, I commend you on this one. First off David is a great author and second, you seem much more open in this conversation and it doesn't appear as you are trying to 'look good' like in other episodes. This is meant to be a compliment because always trying to 'look good' is one trait that I am always fighting...
Such a wonderful interview. I felt like you two hit it off really well and the conversation was great. It's nice to hear from someone like David Brooks who can share his life and his life wisdom with us. Chris, you are so good at talking to people. Thanks for what you do and for sharing it all with us.
In the modern era, it doesn't pay to get attached emotionally to random People due to how awful general population is..... unless you plan to be abused. In generations past, you could have a emotional connection to someone You didn't really know because people Still displayed a general kindness to random strangers.
Why would you get emotionally attached to "random people"? Wouldn't you need to get to know them first?
Amazing show. I am inspired to begin to truly see the people around me. Imagine how many fewer people would be depressed and lonely if we all put these ideas into practice.
Wanting to know about each and every corner of your mind to be aware of every single one of them is the type of control that I want too, and the type of control that is the sneakiest of all. :) It is the behaviour that gives us the opportunity to avoid feelings throughout the process of rational reflection. So I find it personally very rewarding to just feel and understand only if it is crucial to understand. Not avoiding feelings feels good whatever they are.
Perfect timing! Thank you so much for this beautiful conversation❣️ we can’t emphasize enough the importance of our emotional landscape and how to navigate it, especially in this day and age
This was a compelling episode. That story about the kids was really moving, I often think of the most vulnerable of us, not necessarily as fragile or delicate, but rather that we help to shape each other, and it matters how we treat each other. And that, we serve as models for each other, so we need to pay attention and hold space for one another. Otherwise, where else is it going to come from?
I think that British people replace emotion with very very precise vocabulary , and emotionally purposed innuendo . I think that they pour all of their meaning into beautiful phrasing . Case in point , the speech given by Catherine Princess of Wales , calm and sedate , she communicated her agonizing situation and love for her family , and respect for the people of England . Don't automatically self eradicate . Build on what you have -- keep doing a very nice work .
I've written down more quotes from this podcast than anything else I've ever listened to. Thank you, Chris. Thank you, David. Beautiful conversation ❤
Thank you Chris! I'd forgotten about David Brooks, he's mellowed well with age, enjoyed this. Good luck with your 'proper' therapy and hoping you find someone squared away; so many aren't. And a Happy Passover to David!
Gentlemen, you are uncovering an important topic here. There is a trap in Stoic thinking that we can fall into if we are not careful.
Less that 3 minutes into the video and I have to show appreciation to the way the conversation just flows.
David Brooks is a great conversationalist. Chris is really good too and getting better. I appreciate his evolution from something like a life hacks guy into this deeper space
You forgot to mention the part about people not showing emotions because they've not been reciprocated or acknowledged for decades. Conclusion = No recognition, no reciprocation, then no emotional exchange.
I actually have been trying to figure out how to be more emotionally detached. Having been around so many toxic people throughout my life, they often play with your emotions so I think it's better to be in full control of how you react to people.
This guy is brimming with chillness and wisdom. really articulate
There's a dramatically limited range of affection and playfulness directed towards men these days because we live in a society where we don't have to cooperate very much to obtain the things we need. A lot of this comes down to just playing with other children and staying off the internet and TV when you're extremely little. People need more rough and tumble and unsupervised play during development.
this is one of the episodes that could make you cry. just wow.
Reason + Emotion = Wisdom
This is literally a DBT skill: Wise Mind 😊
Superb conversation! Humane, rich with knowledge & wisdom. I'm going to listen again. Thank you, gentlemen.
I love David Brooks. Such a mensch! ❤
Hello Chris Williamson Great show!! Here’s a phenomenal quote from Fredrick Buchner (the writer David quoted twice). I am sending to your tears as you watch Christmas movies… “ Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are but more often than that God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go next.” Kindness and curiosity.
The Movie Klaus has become my favorite Christmas movie that I look forward to seeing every year, because of the emotional beauty it champions. How life can break you but it takes life itself to heal. Glad I’m not the only one who loves it!
I recently did Neuro Linguistic Programming. I learned I was not just suppressing a lot of negative emotions relating to early family trauma, but also my positive feelings. The first thing I noticed after a few sessions was I laugh and smile so much more. I feel so much more free emotionally and I probably am more engaging to others as I come across as more positive and open. I wonder how many of us are affected in this way when divorce is so prevalent in British society.
This was a really refreshing conversation. Something my soul must’ve needed 🙌💖
Love the part on being Ernest and banter. I really related to wanting to get deeper, & navigating through the surface banter to do that being sometimes challenging. Thanks Chris 👌
Men detach and fail to emotionally connect because we’ve both seen in others and personally experienced what happens when you do…..
Keep trying! Get better at discerning who to take that risk with and who not to, improve your odds while knowing it’s always a risk. Worth it 😊
Or, that's just how a lot of them are.
Exactly. I don't want any kind of toxicity in my life that even positive don't outweigh the negatives now or later it doesn't matter. People are not worth trusting more than on the shallow level and it will stay this way to the end of my life. I have emotions when I read book, watch a movie or anime but I know it's all fantasies, worlds we would like to live in. Real life people are hell.
In an ideal Utopia, of course trust and connection would be easy to accept and reciprocate… we don’t live in an ideal world, far from it. Society as a whole (the world and those beholden to a worldly mindset, especially Biblically) is and was never to be trusted; as good, Godly person, you should NOT seek to connect with a blind and evil world. That connection and trust is reserved for God and those in your immediate family. Ask yourself: how does our modern society view traditional marriage and the family structure? How does this society view God? I’ll trust and connect with a person who likewise views this world for what it is… those individuals are few and far between…..
@@alisonfisher1877 It's absolutely NOT worth it. Also, you couched that as the person experiencing that as the problem and also has poor judgement. Bet that REALLY helped someone get to grips with your idea.
I love that. Emotions assign value. I am sure that isnt a new concept, but somehow just works...
Yes! That bit was exceptional! 🙌
Definitely not new. It’s an ancient criticism of hyper-rationalists who like to dismiss emotion.
Good interview guys, and thanks for honestly opening up!
This has easily been one of my favourite interviews and discussions... probably ever ♥ extremely relevant and exciting
I really enjoyed listening in on this. Thank you Chris and David!
Does anyone else remember his discussions with Jim Lehrer growing up? Fond memories of David 😊
One of the best conversations I have heard in a long time!
I developed social skills and have many people to talk to about important things because I got connected to the Nonviolent Communication community. I wish more people knew we exist and had this level of support I. being human. It’s sadly like Horton Hears a Who… we’re here, we’re here!!
Brilliant podcast Love the tips and narrative. It was exactly what I needed thank you
I think this is one of the best podcasts thus far. Such a beautiful and important topic that drowns in all the gymbro/semi cientifiic self help bs. I hope there will be more about this especially on the male perspective.
My exgirlfriend would tell me im too sensitive, she'd call me a fucking pussy sometimes. I really cared for her. I still do. I really miss her but she treated me so badly. So so badly. Ultimately she did the worst thing she could do and then she left without a trace. Still luv ya pup 🐕 🐾
Funny story related to this. I was at a friend's place and deep down in me I wanted to try shrooms (allegedly magic;)) because I felt there was unresolved issues. Most days I felt like this cynical coldness was steering me, creating an immense amount of fear and anxiety. This coldness related to what Brooks said about how stoicism and wisdom being the highest order of achievement. After about an 1hr of taking these powerful shrooms I was overjoyed and laughed harder than ever. It was a trip that unlocked these positive emotions that were locked behind walls of years of negative self talk and unreasonably conflating joy with imaginary optimism. After a 3 hour laughing session, my brain felt connected to these light hearted joy. I feel this sense of optimism and joy ever since. Side note: if you decide to take wonderful mushrooms do so in a peaceful setting (especially its your first time). And make sure you have someone sober there to bring you back. Be intentional of having an open mind and having a good experience.
Mastery of their emotions is absolutely what men should seek. It's very difficult, and takes hard work to achieve - most men never achieve it - but freedom from the tyranny of our feelings is the greatest goal we can aspire to. I can't believe that there are men who genuinely wouldn't benefit from the strength, confidence and resilience that comes from mastery of their emotions. Even what little I have achieved in this direction personally has improved my life noticeably.
I don’t think this is quite right. Mastery of emotions hints at controlling them. Wouldnt it make more sense to master an understanding of emotions and being personally vulnerable to good people rather than just trying to control emotions?
@@joshuapjung Mastery means removing the emotional short circuits in your brain and ensuring that a conscious thought process governs your behaviour. It lets you rationally control how you act and what you say, rather than dancing on the chemical strings of your emotions. True mastery would enable you to feel your emotions to the full, to be guided by them if you desired, but retain the ability to ignore them if that suited you. It's nigh impossible to maintain that level of mastery all the time, but every step towards it is a step towards health, wealth and happiness.
@@avonacolyte What emotions do you think I was trying to communicate through my initial message?
@@joshuapjung I didn't think you were trying to communicate any. It seemed like an intellectual engagement rather than an emotional one. But it's much harder with text than in person so it's easy to miss things. What emotions were you trying to communicate?
@@avonacolyteI was pointing out that your comment would give the “feeling” to most men I know as a command for them to control their emotions.
Reading through ‘Christmas Pig’ by JK Rowling for my boys’ bedtime storytime had me crying many evenings. That was an emotional journey-recommend reading that book! I hope to grow in my conversation skills this year especially!🌸
Thank you for posting this. I suffer depression and this helped me understand a little more♥️🙏
When I was in high school, I kept my emotions in check to the point where a classmate described me as "aloof". When I became an adult and started consuming alcohol, I was able to open up and express my emotions. The problem is, my emotions are often self-destructive and self-sabotaging. So I have put my drinking on hiatus for the past 7+ years, which has been good for my emotional regulation, but I also find that I have been reverting to a more emotionally distant version of myself, like I was in high school. Because I *must* be that way. The alternatives are too dangerous...
Best episode yet!
I never liked David Brooks’ politics, but this sounds like an amazing book. I just bought it on Amazon. Can’t wait to read it cover-to-cover.
Thank you Chris for giving air time to this amazing human. Love your show. Great quality of guests. It keeps true to its name: Modern Wisdom.
Raised by father of neglect. Their issues become yours so quickly especially when puberty hits. I was shown a very upset way of being. But I was always such a happy kid. It robbed me of a lot of myself. I am completely opposite as a parent now at 30. My kids benefit the most from this kind of discussion. The future is always being made starting to see all we think and feel has an effect so we better keep talking
DB quotes generalisation from therapists.."some people need tightening and some people need loosening" I would add and some people just need to be left alone. Too much thinking and too little living. Life is tricky so I am more interested in how so many people are not detached and seem just to get on with life without external interference. Personally Im cool with my life and I think it is because I value simple things and generally fully enjoy stuff I do with others . That doesn't mean I don't have dark thoughts it just gives me a context for them.
Love David Brooks!
Love to hear David Brooks talk! Always intelligent, articulate and interesting! Thank you!
During this episode I cried an inordinate amount of times.
This conversation is so rich. Thank you 😊
Great interview!
From Never Split The Difference, by Chris Voss "In Descartes' Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain (published 1994), neuro-scientist António Damásio explained a groundbreaking discovery he made. Studying people who had damage in the part of the brain where emotions are generated, he found that they all had something peculiar in common: they couldn’t make decisions. They could describe what they should do in logical terms, but they found it impossible to make even the simplest choice. In other words, while we may use logic to reason ourselves toward a decision, the actual decision making is governed by emotion."
First comment! ~ Can't wait to hear this topic. I think social media has made people anti-social because no one has to speak face to face anymore.
Nah, mass surveillance has created hyper-vigilance and prolongated stress of said surveillance leads to C-PTSD. One of the symptoms of trauma is being anti social or a misanthrope. So many incels and stem majors are really just trauma brained idiots deep down but let their pride get in the way of being decent human beings
a traumaless person is like a flowerless garden. now process this however you want Spock wasnt emotionless, he mastered his emotional human side with his Vulcan logical upbringing. thats definitely achievable and we should all strive to be a bit more Vulcan. The quality of a relationship is defined by the amount and quality of Silence in it. The more and better Silence the better, and deeper, the relationship is. Most ppl are indeed young souls. As such its difficult to find your "bantering" peers. Proper banter is, or should be, sophisticated, witted and intelectually advanced. As it is telling someone to "fuck off". The Western civilization advanced immensely and curated our present situation, (for better or worse), but there isnt a better working solution than the one we currently have in the West. Yes, even with it all its pitfalls and horror stories. But it all came with a price: the detachment from the natural world. We are slowly being aware of that and trying to make a comeback and establish a different working balance. Even if society is, in a way, yearning for a more open stance, i can tell you by experience, if i didnt edit myself i would be living alone atop a mountain right now. Everyone wants Truth until they get it served to them. You are not a bad person if you become a bit of a "brain/mental misanthrope". What matters is what you do with it. Yes, you will be hunted down by some ppl. a lot of them actually. a lot of ppl prey on openess. The bit about how to be friends with someone suffering with depression is spot on. how do i know? Im 42 yo and been depressed since i was 5. just be present and available to the extent that you can. its enough and makes a big diference.
I tried being emotionally open. Tying to allow myself to feel, but what I ended up experiencing was that people would try to emotionally manipulate me. I'll never forget being called "deeply selfish" by someone I love because I didn't want to get the covid vaccine. Being told that it was monstrous for me to not care about their parents and grandparents in not getting the covid vaccine. So I am trying to find the balance between allowing myself to feel and not allowing people to use it against me.
My son is dead because it was noble to be detached. Wish he knew this information.
Great Podcast! I am a long time admirer of David Brooks! Well done! 💃🏻🎉
No mate, many people HATE to talk about their childhood. I get into a panic attack, if anyone asks me. Questions are much, much too risky. Questions are nosey. People love being listened to, but they do NOT need to be steered into what to talk about. Let people cheerfully pipe-up about what's on THEIR mind, NOT about what you are fishing to find-out. (Said with love, of course. I'm sure you mean well. ❤)
Everyone is getting hurt all the time bc tinder and social media makes everyone think the grass is always greener with someone new. New is more exciting but then relationships, and people, become hollow and lonely and depressed
Before i watch the video, I'm going to quote Robert Deniro said to Al Pacino in the movie Heat: "Didn't let yourself get attached to anything you can't walk out on in 30 seconds flat..." And Woody Harrelson to Alden Ehrenreich in Solo: 'Expect everyone to betray and you'll never be disappointed." Me, I self-sabotage. Intentionally...
Those are the type of thoughts that keeps us disconected from one another
"Just go away, leave me alone, don't bother me." -George Harrison
Deep.
My dad thew a pot of coffee at me when I was 1 had to live with that until i was 18. I joined the military and didn't look back. My mother keeps asking when will I ever return home, I just tell her, "When I find it." Toss in a dash of BPD, I may never reach a life of non-stoicism, and I am ok with that.
Don't be ashamed. Klaus got me too. Great film.
51:25 is a serious case of bias. I've absolutely heard of women leaving men after showing vulnerability.
Yep. It happens all the time. For example, I can't tell you how many times I've seen a woman admit that she lost attraction for her man after the first time she ever saw him cry.
@@pe2point0 right? It's fucking disgusting.
I keep hearing about the 4B movement. The thing that I keep hearing is that women are finished with men because they keep running into unemotionally available men. This is such an interesting conversation.
Yet, the great irony is that women continue to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men, but not emotionally sensitive men. Are you seeing a pattern cycle here? 🤔
This guy honestly just needs to make a list of his questions
i havent watch the video. not in the right state of mind to do it rn. i still don't like people that are too emotional. often, when people put me down from judging others harshly, I will respond back with, "would you rather I do that too? is that acceptable?" and all of a sudden, they take back what they say. they say of course not and all other rubbish. people are celebratory of emotions until they are responsible for the consequences of it. rubbish.
To be present & open to, as well as ready for the opportunity to plant seeds of love, whenever and however we can, moment by moment; to hope for a fruitful yield in some meaningful way, in ways that encourage & strengthen others; And to not get attached to the if, when, how, what, and where that yield will manifest. That, I believe is the art of love and surrender merged as one that brings the truest sense of fulfillment. I love hearing these two talk!! So great!!
I really like and agree with a lot of the techniques and ways of looking at things, and I use them all the time but most people just don’t have the energy it seems, or don’t think/feel very deeply. - if they do they don’t really verbalize it… It can get pretty complicated interacting with people.
54:04 I don't know where did you hike in Europe, but in places like Slovakia, Czechia or Poland people almost always greet me on hikes.
Intimacy - Into-me-you-see 🙏
I really enjoyed this, does anyone have any David Brooks book suggestions?