Why We Should Refuse to Get Into Arguments
We should resist invitations to argue by recognising them for what they are: attempts by the other party to rescue themselves from unbearable feelings.
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“However deep our theoretical commitment to serenity, in the course of an average day, we are likely to encounter a number of extremely well-crafted invitations to lose our tempers badly.
Our partner will press a well-flagged nuclear button related, let’s imagine, to their views on our mother or our career choice. At work, a colleague may deliberately not answer a very simple question to which we urgently need an answer. A shop attendant may give us a bored, insolent shrug. Someone in the supermarket may falsely accuse us of standing in the wrong line…”
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CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
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Title animation produced in collaboration with
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- How do you manage to live so well? - It's simple - I don't argue at all. - But this is impossible! - Yes, you are right. 😂
"Wait, I came for an argument!" "Oh, sorry, this is Abuse. You want next door on your left."
😂😂😂
😂😂😂
😂😅
clever
This is so true. Some people genuinely enjoy a level of chaos and dysfunction. Once I realize where a conversation is going I immediately shift my tone and words. I wave myself out of that energy and walk away.
When i respect someone intensely, i can pick up on their emotional triggers. When they pop at me I let them and eventually they apologize and admit what i already knew. It had nothing to do with me. Arguments are the same to me. Really its them arguing internally and your presence just allows for outwardly expression
I've heard this called "holding space" for someone, and it's a wonderful thing to be able to do.
It is not an entitlement to always be a veritable dusbin of someone's sentiment.
@@chiragrathore Both partners will get triggered at various points in the relationship. Holding space for each other when it happens is the most productive way to move through it. If it's one-sided, then I would agree with you.
Well said.
A lack of understanding of someone's point of view or actions can be misconstrued as an invitation for an argument or a fight. Hearing and understanding people even when you disagree with them calms a lot and make things better.
depend, on their right and relation
I think this is closer to the crux of the video than the video itself
@@bannford I dont think the video advocates this, but this is the correct point they should be making.
The problem is a lot of people think they're the ones being aggresed and can't tell when they're being the aggressors.
So true....
Israel has left the chat
They're doing a pretend outrage so they can justify in their minds attacking you. Don't fall for it. Stay cool.
All that is a choice and habit.. they know what they are doing... I dont cut them that slack you are speaking of..
I’m a man in his 30’s who has a mother a bit like this. An anxious argumentative woman, with some hidden aggression, often trying to goad a debate of some kind. I have almost become a ninja at shutting it down and having cold logical responses to such provocations. Sometimes not answering at all. Not an easy thing to form barriers against a mother like that and step into adulthood okay, ready to be intimate and open.
I think I understand your words, my friend. My late mother had a tendency to argue. Many times my best shield was silence. Just listen and try to understand her internal conflict. I know that sometimes she considered me indifferent because of that attitude. It wasn't pleasant, but it was necessary to keep our balance. I loved her and I still love her very much. Good luck, I wish you the best. 😊👍
I can understand you 100%. I also know a person who fits this description exactly. It's best to stay really calm. Often what seems to be a big problem has more to do with her than with you.
The problem with such situations is the love we feel towards them. You don't expect your mother to be a person who subconsciously or even worse sometimes intentionally wants to ruin your day, relationships, and life...
My mom has a tendency to be like this. I love her dearly, but sometimes it gets too much, and I’ll tell her so. I can see her thinking about what she’s just done, and often she will calm down, and we can move on. But it’s hard sometimes to deal with her constant negativity.
same, im almost 40 yet i struggle with a mother who triggers me. we'll be fine until at least once a month it feels like she has to find a reason to pick a fight. i have taken the bait the majority of my life. i need to learn to let go. this video and this comment in particular have been eye opening. thank you for sharing your experience.
You mention arguments as a way for people to reduce their own stress, but in my experience unsolicited advice/criticisms/opinions are the #1 way people deflect from their own issues to "help" (I.E: Annoy and irritate) others in their life in an attempt to take control of their own disastrous life by controlling others.
✅
Thats one way to protect your ego.
Indeed. And this channel in my experience is a great place to unintentionally invite such advice. 😂
That's exactly the point of the video. We can't control what others do. We can only control ourselves. And that includes what we will tolerate from others. Ie. boundaries.
See
I learnt a while ago that arguments are just a waste of energy, so I try not to get into them, especially with anyone who seems to think that by getting aggressive, they’ll get their own way. I’ll simply walk away from this behaviour, or tell them ‘I’m not going to engage with you’ and let them fester. Some people thrive on friction, and they are welcome to be like that, just not with me.
Don't feed trolls, got it.
lol facts
Exactly. And sadly, there are MILLIONS of 'em. In my opinion, they outnumber the insightful, logical, ethical, scientific folks by a bloody landslide. This is unfortunate, but... it do be what it do be. Acceptance is key.
Caveat: obviously there are people who have the opposite problem, and never argue, never stand up for themselves, when they really should. Some things are worth debating, worth fighting for!
Imagine your defense attorney taking the attitude of just accept it and move on. Wouldn't make for a very good attorney would it?
Agreed. I think the message from this video was more about picking those battles w/people that are worth keeping around wisely. In the end, reality is relative, and no body cares about other's decisions more than their own, so choose joy.
Yes respect 🙏 is worth fighting for when someone else is treating you as a minion
@nicolai Wouldn’t we judge those people who seldom argue by their actions, not their (arguing) words? Not feeding a fire is exercising restraint. In my experience, I can choose not to be threatened by provocations. If you’re clear about who owns what, who is responsible for what, what the consequences are for not living up to an agreement, etc then the scope for argument is greatly reduced. And if you can accept that people very often do what is best for themselves with little or no regard for how other people are affected, you can scale back blame as well.
Yes fair enough
As I get older, the phrase "picking your battles" seems increasingly wise. Most are pointless.
so just like everythng else in life?
If someone has control of your emotions, they are also in control of your actions. Be resilient. Don’t get easily offended. Listen in carefully, but don’t left them lynch you into their chaos.
And the perception of one person through another depends on his or her own thinking whether positive or negative also. When there is a person who says me pretty or ugly. I do not care because I have no attachments or aversions with regard to his or her perception ! And above all, I noticed in life the more focused you are in what you do, you do not have time to go into other people’s affairs or control them. And above all, I am hyper selective as a person in the sense that I look at my priorities in life and what I like and I focus on that like everyday. And I feel so happy and relaxing at the same time ! Peace ✌️
Well tbh, I think this is what happened with some of my folks and friends (if you can even call them my folks and friends 🤦♂️) but frankly they had a responsibility to be more self aware (though I'm not saying it's always easy) to do what is within moral standards; even if it might've challenged their ego or persona. It probably would humble them to no end if they were to be more like me (humble and grounded 😅 in a not-so totally subjective way) although tbh; sometimes it takes courage as well. And you can't make somebody do or be something they don't want to - if it isn't in their heart. Thus, this is where I believe we should fundamentally be within the notion that social comparison will always be inevitable - as long as you are kind to yourself and not always worrying what others think.
@@awesomelegs I think it depends on people’s thoughts. Maybe you expected for those people to love you back or something else . . . Well, in my experience, I’m so focused on myself that I don’t have time to compare myself to anyone ! I just talk and stay polite and respectful ! I don’t expect to be love or not to be love. I focus on the things I’m passionate about. I don’t have time to go and see how humble this person is or not ! Don’t have time for that 🤣😂🤣😂 Too much have a great time with myself for all the things I’m passionate about 😍🤩
don't do that, do do this, don't do that ... a bit prescriptive for having no actual solution to the problem?
"We must sidestep the many dragnets because we have so many other, truly more important things to do." A person who is dysregulated and emotionally hijacked, or temporarily lacking logic, may see your calmness as indifference or even confirmation that they are x (worthless, unwanted, etc.) depending on their critical inner voice. Loving someone who hasn't had the privilege of working on their inner child wounds and adult manifestations of these wounds (undiagnosed mental illness) can be both challenging and rewarding. None of us makes it through the cauldron of childhood unscarred, and I'm grateful to have a partner who loves me despite that.
Well said!
I know the solution provided in this video is so hard to follow but I needed this today. Thank you
The hardest lessons to learn are the ones you already know.
This is true sometimes, but thinking it's always true is an even bigger problem. Sometimes criticism is valid
True. Sometimes this advice works and other times it doesn't. But if you have good judgment, then it's an useful advice. 👌
It's pretty easy to determine when an individual possesses legitimate knowledge and insight about any given topic. Ultimately, everyone almost always shows their cards after the first 6-12 interactions. And anyone with basic training on recognizing straw mans, slippery slopes, ad hominem, non-sequiturs, and dozens of other fallacious techniques would certainly (well, probably?) agree with me on that.
And valid criticism needs to be framed as such. Even if it's valid and conveyed with aggression it becomes worthless.
Valid point. But we are talking about someone starting an argument for the sake of it... how often do you do that? Not often I would guess. So why should they? Constructive criticism is rare and doesn't come out of that kind of exchange. Careful who you let in your trusted circle :)
@@iPondR / @somnathghoshal103 the most painful criticism given by your enemy will likely be accurate. It doesn't hurt a skinny person to call them fat. The stronger you are, the better you are at integrating even criticism meant to be destructive. Of course, non-specific criticism i.e. "you're bad" is useless because it's vague, not because it's phrased cruelly.
Yes. We all need validation, to be seen and listened to. However, when we no longer feel respected it's time to go. When the other party is so arrogant as to think they have a better understanding of matters than we who have lived with our issues for our entire lifes, then there is no respect left in the relationship/friendship.
Very very good and concise summary
Yes, and. . . . sometimes we can have productive disagreements to better understand one another, the issues, and ourselves. Those interactions, too, are called "arguments." If we refuse to get into those arguments, we miss opportunities for growth, understanding and reflection. Also, as PFB74 implies below, we can sometimes help those we love by hearing out their unresolved arguments, allowing and helping them to work things through, without engaging our inner triggers. I call this "bearing witness" to others. So, to the good advice and clear explanation of this video, we might think about "why we should refuse to get [caught up in fruitless] arguments," while staying alert and engaged when others are trying to connect with us.
Ppl avoid their own personal hatred for themselves, and then project that hate towards others. Someone WITH self-respect would Never behave this way. Self Awareness leads us to self-respect, suddenly self-control looks attractive and self-discipline looks like 'a good time'.
Agreed. A place of calm. Observing these behaviours can be quite, interesting 😊
This does not mean you follow your own advice. Get off your high horse. You both seem to be under the assumption that emotions correlation to instability. However, writing off people's emotions means you are listening to hear but not understand. How lonely.
@@josiee0874 good for you. Taking it all personally. 👍
@@josiee0874 perhaps you're in need of self-respect? With emotional maturity comes calm effective communication; ... No need to ever catch yourself arguing again... Find your own peace and keep it 🤍
I once heard you say “expectations are the cause of all anger” and that is the single best piece of behavioural advice I have heard (though surely it had a place in this video too?)
well said (or quoted)
aka the Buddhist 'the root of all suffering is desire'
1. I once watched a truly heartbreaking documentary about people who cut themselves. They all said more or less the same thing: that the physical pain they felt in that moment gave them a relief from the much more crushing soul pain that they felt non stop in their daily isolation and despair. Maybe, the people who get furious at anything are in a similar state of constant sadness and helplessness. It is just that instead of using a knife or a razor, they provoke your anger, so that you shout at them and humiliate them, to give them a relief from themselves. It is a heartbreaking way of trying to be seen and heard. It reminds me of this poem: NOT WAVING BUT DROWNING Nobody heard him, the dead man, But still he lay moaning: I was much further out than you thought And not waving but drowning. Poor chap, he always loved larking And now he’s dead It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way, They said. Oh, no no no, it was too cold always (Still the dead one lay moaning) I was much too far out all my life And not waving but drowning. 2. One thing that helps me in those situations is a very simple question I have heard from Joseph Goldstein. We can ask this to ourselves at any moment throughout the day: " Is this thought I am having right now useful??" If the person in front of us is mad over nothing and trying to hurt us, of course we will feel offended and triggered. But just asking ourselves if the thoughts that emerge in our minds as a response are "useful" can help us to come back to our senses. There are so many, much more important and more beautiful and more helpful things we could be thinking about. Why get caught in this person's private torture chamber? They will find someone else to make them suffer. Sadly... 3. But if you already feel to offended and you are about to react, there are other ways to deal with it too: One of our most beloved poets in Turkey, Orhan Veli, said that whenever he got angry, he counted the names of the flowers he knew, trying to get to a hundred names!! It is a terribly romantic idea, but why not try it once?? I would also highly recommend the method RAIN. It is a type of meditation that you can do easily. Just google this : " RAIN Meditation, Diana Winston". She has a guided meditation on this, that you can follow. RAIN is an acronym that stands for " Recognise , Allow , Investigate , Nurture " . It is an excellent practice that soothes you and clears your mind and helps you to focus on what really matters in life. 4. There is an excellent psychology podcast called " Shrink Rap Radio". The following episode is full of valuable insights: "Managing Anger Through Compassion, with Russel Kolts" You can also visit Russel Kolts's website "Compassionate Mind" and click on " Working with anger". He says that we are always very kind towards people when they are sad, but we find them appalling when they are angry. What they need the most is compassion though...Because their anger is there to cover their sadness. Thank you so much for this very valuable lesson!
every single Word is so full of love and compassion (not to say mercy..). Thank you so much for this post.. ❤❤❤
@@monikaplessl1961Hello Monika! Oh thank you so much! That means a lot! Much love to you too!🥰😘
I’ve been hurt too many times to implement this. My journey was to find strenght in saying my piece, because that is the sore spot. What you describe are the things I used to do and I boiled over. Respectfully I’am done to see others perspectives and to calm down. It does not serve me, no longer.
Well said, truly. Compassionate people really color the world.
@@Otterworldy Hello! Oh I I think understand what you mean and you are also right. The advice on this video is very useful for certain situations, where we may have the chance to walk away in order to save time. But if the other person is someone that we have to deal with often, it is better to respond in a way that makes it clear for them, that they can't treat us this way. I am very sorry to hear that you have been hurt many times. I hope that from now on, you only come across very kind and understanding people and when it is not the case, you always find the right words to keep those away who intend to hurt you. Much love to you and yours!☺🌷
I was caused a scene last weekend because a woman spoke rudely to my disabled child. I was so angry, I tried to calmly explain he didn’t understand. I did expect her to apologise once she realised she had been rude to a disabled child. Instead she told me she works with disabled children and she has plenty of awareness. I certainly didn’t feel any better for speaking up. And now just feel more worried about what carers may be like when I’m not around.
That describes my ex-wife exactly. I tried a thousand ways to make it work. I stopped arguing with her entirely and she divorced me after 32 years of marriage. I went to therapy. She never would. I still go.
Holy School of Life! Yet again, I needed to hear this.
the argument trap well avoided
How do you distinguish between a scenario where someone is 'needlessly' creating conflict and one where someone has an emotive, yet genuine grievance to air that necessarily requires the attention of the 'target'? Or is the hypothesis here that they are the same thing?
I was wondering the same thing. What if the other person actually has a very good and fair reason to start an argument...
There’s a difference between arguing and dialog
Yes, but where is the distinguishing line between dialogue and argument? Is it an argument if one person confronts another? And if so, do situations not exist when it is necessary to confront a wrong-doer, for example?
that last sentence really hits the nail on the head, unless you are actively trying to learn the truth arguments are just a waste of your time
Everything is an argument. Everything.
Wise people don't argue they keep silence and move forward 💯
Yea, maturity right there.
@TyroneBiggins-tj2ho Grow up kid.
Kinda sounds like you’re just being avoidant though if you say there’s no functional point to arguments? Sometimes we need conversations to resolve real issues, and that involves debating a little bit.
This perspective did occur to me as well, however my counter thought was that civil discourse which involves mutual respect and the exchange of potentially differing ideas for the sake of mutual growth and understanding are not the kind of interactions they are referring to in this video. Thus, the capability of discerning one from the other, as well as the communication skills to clarify, is and are vitally important.
Resolve whats important, move on if its not. Life is short and our resources are limited
If the argument is civil and serves a rational purpose, sure, it's worth the time and effort. If starting the argument is for the purpose of emotional regulation, then no. People are not emotional punching bags for the emotionally deregulated.
Basic principles of projection. As the world turns, and our morals and values go up in flames, people get more and more angry, irritated, upset for no reason, and more than likely put it off on you. 💔
A broken person is quick to start an argument. It is reflective of their innate emotional and psychological abnormality. However, that being said. It takes a lot and a lot of love to tolerate such a person. Because, you have to be a lot and a lot kind. And, it is also unfortunate that your kindness, kind of make them comfortable with repetitiveness of their behavior. You must have to be too loving, in order to give out that love without appreciation or reciprocating of the same. At last you dry out by giving and giving. There are only 3 options. Which invariably you have to choose from 1. Keep giving love and have a lot of understanding and kindness. 2. Leave them. 3. Physical violence.
I chose option number 1 to take care of my mother until her death. And it was very, very, VERY difficult and painful. But I think it was worth it. Thanks for understanding.😊 Greetings from Chile 🖐🖐
contentious people are energy vampires
It took me 40 years to realize this. TFS 💖
I dont like to argue but i like to have a point of view, but you can only acomplish that with being very insightfull and well read.
I like not having to have an opinion on everything.
@@a.l.6176it's a relief to be able to say "I don't know." and even more to say "I don't care." 😑
I have noticed, over the course of decades, that most people who make aggressive or provacative comments do so not based on any facts, or anythign anyone else did, but because they are unsatisfied with their own life.
Things learnt over the years... Never use 'why' and 'but' during arguments. 'Why' is an accusatory question as well be a lazy one, it is also a childs method of arguing. 'But' devalues any any statement or answer. Keep these two words our of any heated conversation and it probably won't turn into an argument.
Huge difference between a "discussion with a fellow intelligent, insightful human who differs in opinions" and... whatever it is happens on social media. 🙄 HUGE.
Good video which unfortunately doesn't give the best recipe for practicing this kind of approach and that is compassion. Only through compassion, by truly understanding that other person has some issues which makes them feel and behave that way, we can honestly let go of any anger towards them. Otherwise, if we go away from argument, but still keep angry emotions inside us, we haven't really done much good in the long term.
I have heard that the best way to respond to a person espousing something you disagree with or misinformation is a short, civil reply and then to move on. Even if they reply to you with further misinformation you don't reply further. Why this works: It establishes an alternative to the misinformation in the eyes of a 3rd party without creating polarizing effects where people may be turned off/rebel against your position.
I've been living this philosophy kind of intuitively, as conflict makes me so uncomfortable that I rather wish I were more aggressive. The thing is that this video only addresses people starting some sort of meaningless fuss, whereas in real life there are situations that you do need to engage because a matter needs solutions, because they did something wrong in the workplace or something needs to be discussed. And then, no matter how much you try to be polite and civil - they won't return it. They will take it like you're the enemy.
Treat interactions like you should do games, if it irritates you, stop playing. You can engage with a person who is angry without descending to their level as well, keep in mind that none of it matters, it's just not important. If you they insult you that doesn't matter either, you don't need to compete, there is no win to be had.
Everything in context….. a lot of people who avoid arguments are angry inside… filled with rage - abusive even. I agree with the video that the overly argumentative ones are broken inside and chaos is their norm- some are immeasurably skilled at pulling you in…. And sometimes you just have to fight back- and win!
Amazing! I learned this as a young young chid! It isn't about you because it is about them!
I like healthy debate and I like to work through issues, so that leads to me being drawn into unhealthy arguments as well. Thank you for this video. The perspective that arguments are an attempt by the other party to rescue themselves from unbearable feelings really makes a lot of sense.
What I am finding more tiring lately are those who argue but insist they are not. Especially Online: In discussion groups where I post a fact or opinion, someone argues with that in a comment - which is great! - but if I respond to their argument, they try to claim the moral high ground and state they “weren't looking for an argument.” Nah… When you see someone's post, you have three choices: ignore it, agree with it, or argue with it. If you post a rebuttal, you don't have the right to have your rebuttal stand as the last word, invulnerable against any response from the original poster. If you start a discussion, expect others to engage with you. If you want to back out or stay silent, fine, do so - but don’t suddenly act as if you have the right to argue but everyone else is being rude or something just because they reply to your argument.
You could have also chosen to ignore it...
Perhaps it's more useful to frame what you are calling "argument" as "debate." Although "argument" is a legal term (eg "opening arguments"), but when others discuss view points or positions on ideas or issue "debate" is healthy. While "argument" makes me think of a Monty Python sketch.
in debat and negosiation, anger and maybe some rude action like hit the tablet, pointing, adhominem, insulting, or some made-up generalization/assumption, etc are acceptable. those're called assertion. those may be made people lose respect at you
Once again, with great effectiveness, SOL is spot on! Amazing work!
Being lured into argument is often a trap to manipulate you and weaken your position (i.e. "if you lose it - you lose") - don't play - walk away.
Arguing is the fight of the powerless. Emperors never argue.
this video was so important to me, I feel I'm having to live with a combatant person sometimes and this helps me clarify what I should be doing instead.
Many of the comments here are expressing the very essence of my recent experiences in a classroom environment. Motivations behind behaviours. Self awareness of my own motivations opened my eyes. Now, if only i can control myself better.....🤔🤣
@TheSchoolOfLife Been watching your videos for years, but this one made me subscribe. Fantastic.
Thankfully I leaned this many years ago. I never participate in arguments.
yes you do
In the words of the titled book, which contains so much wisdom within its title, “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff, It’s ALL SMALL STUFF.” For that’s exactly, what much of all our life’s are all about. Don’t let the idiots in your life, occupy free rent space in your brain, immediately evict!
Old book, good reading !! 😊
Are there untitled books?
There is a really good movie from like 2007 called "What the bleep do we know" that explains how people get addicted to drama. I wish it was kid friendly because the animations are good but there is one bad scene in it.
Choose your battles carefully ❤
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. There are times when the argument originats from a place of them having "unberably difficult feelings" or whatever you said. But odds are those feelings are not just coming out of the blue and you have some part in them. Its not as if everytime a person has an argument with me that its entierly their fault cuz im just floating on a blisful could of perfection. I got my faults that are likely to annoy some and ruffle their feathers. If i do irritate someone and an argument foarms, i can 100% promise you that pitying the person you pissed off will only make the situation worse. Be humble and patient and hear them out.
You can see this in countries, attitudes and actions.
THANKS ALAN!!!❤
While ignoring arguments can provide a peaceful state of mind, doing it profusely could also bring one into complacency and hand-waving of important issues. The video is beautifully worded though. Almost poetic.
Socrates tells us there is nothing wrong with argumenting or debating if both parties value the truth and seeking the truth through logical reasoning. Sometimes you can pick up things and learn from others if they present you with ideas you've never known before. Or even learn to develop empathy by seeing things from their point of view. Pride/ego is the enemy. If trying to win an argument or changing other people's mind is your ultimate objective, then you might be doing it for the wrong reason.
Arguing never solves anything. The moment my interlocutor begins to argue, in the negstive sense, I say we can talk and try to find a solution now or wait till we can have the talk without arguing. Some calm down, others don't. With the latter I excuse myself and leave. Getting in an argument with someone that clearly just wants to argue, for whatever reason, is like trying to have a conversation with someone that's inebriated, simply useless.
“Argue” is an ambiguous word. He takes it to mean heated, which it sometimes is, but it is also as to calmly give reasons and explanations. Like a lawyer talking to a judge.
yes the word I prefer is 'quarrel' - suggesting two squirrels going at it. in law I learned about reasoned argument.
If life and social interactions were that simple. Arguments are not intrinsically bad. They are often necessary to shake people awake. I know Ive needed someone to start an argument with me to raise my awareness many times.
When I was young, I'd wind up in arguments and my approach was always "here are the facts - a), b) and c). Let's solve this." And other people get into arguments (or even lure you into arguments) simply to "win." It doesn't even matter if they know the facts or believe what they're saying. So there's no point in even getting into those arguments.
Thank you ❤
Excellent advice! Thank so much!
Terrific advice: avoid any inputs that conflict with one's existing conclusions. Perfect recipe for living inside an echo chamber
It takes too much energy to be nice all the time. I’m tired of being bullied by everyone because I’m too nice. I will not back down
You got to pick your battles, sometimes arguments are necessary, but most of the time they are not.
Incredible timing! I'm going to say nothing back.
Good theory but I feel the video oversimplifies the causality of conflict to just "that one person is not in a good place", when incompatible perceptions, communication styles and neurotypical divergence can all factor into the start of an argument. And yes I realise the irony that by disagreeing I could inadvertently start an argument.
Thank You. 👌
Just what I needed today....
Makes sense. Much easier to say than do, unfortunately.
Huh, and WHAAAA. Be proud and say what you need too. Sometimes, YA gotta let someone have it.
When two people have a fight, I always think they are both responsible. A fight doesn't take place if one of the parties doesn't want one.
I think that many don't understand really when they should just avoid an argument and that many times they just ignore all together someone that in their own words it's called meaningful for them, being a conflict avoided personality and they just increase the disrespect to the other one that is trying to comunicate something and get stuck in a negative dinamic. I think you need a sequel with a smart "argument", not just how and why you should avoid one. Watch also the video about "How Repressed Emotions Make Us Sick" from The School of Life
In reality the universe is like newtons law of opposing forces, it is true even in will. Most conversations, one party will pick the opposite side of the topic, no matter it being right or wrong. It’s as if we do not mentally think of a response conversely thru, and automatically disagree. Deeper down it is more interesting than to just agree. If there is any ill will in the response,one may be having a bad day or other trauma there is an automatic opposite reaction. Conversely an opposite reaction can be taken as an affront to original conversationalist , escalating the situation causing anger or a feeling of betrayal. Most individuals have a strong sense of survivalism and protect their opinions, as if life depends upon it. This all stems from our psyche. Understanding the WHY we get into arguments is important and is a better deterrent than just agreeing to disagree.
As someone who loves and promotes interlectual engagements and debates, the title should have read: Why we should refuse to get into QUARELS. When some people say they don't like arguments, what they really mean is that they can't stand their ideas being challenged. If you challenge them on something, they label you as argumentative. However as someone who is very agreable in temperament, I believe it's very possible to love discourse and not be quarrelsome.
It depends. Sometimes, an argument is necessary. Like if your professor or boss is doing something that's incorrect, harmful, or illegal. Wholesale avoiding confrontation is bad advice.
Thanis for the beautiful reminder ❤
You guys!!! Amazing.
Thank you
Somebody with a Car bumped my Scooter while I was driving on a wide road yesterday, instead of stopping, arguing with this person, and insisting he pay for the damage, I just looked at this guy while he was inside his car and shook my head ignoring what happened, leaving him stunned and full stop in the middle of the busy road... It's not that I don't care about justice or property damage, it's not just worth it... Time and Mental Peace are my richness, he's not worth it for that...
"we must sidestep any dragnets because we truly have more important things to do"
I shall try to take this advise
I did this but he ended up dumping me anyway by saying I never backed down, except he never saw when I backed down, because erm well I had baked down. Stopped answering completely on 99 % He was great sober. A runt with a capital c when drunk.
why does effective communication look like withdrawing from the situation and "tending to our own wounds"? if my partner is feeling unbearable feelings, oughtn't i to want to help them deal with those feelings in a constructive and cooperative way? this video is at best mis-titled and probably very misleading.
Oh you! Setting up a trap. Fabulous example and worth thinking about the logic that is often used disguising the real intentions.
It could be construed as selfish, if that's what you're trying to say. Nothing wrong with that as long as you come back to each other. You can't pour out of an empty bucket, so to speak.
what constructive? they are emotional, their logic is different than you. their fight or flight respons must be loosen first, through some way, that suitable : listening, emphaty, exercise, read, write, or get comfortable
As well intended & valid this video is, there are a category of arguments that this method simply fails at: Power arguments. Often political and legal, these types of arguments have interlocutors who use aggressive argumentation, often bullying, to subordinate opponents. It is often the case these types of interlocutors hold positions or power & leverage. When faced with these situations, typically the only way to gain respect - the respect of a rival - is to fight fire with fire, to move these types of argumentative debates back to a place of clean hands & good faith. Typically, unless these types of interlocutors have their bad behaviour neutralised by rhetorical combat, they won’t give ground, so acquiescence is not an option when the stakes are high & these interlocutors, due to the circumstances, must be contended with.
This is one reason narcissists are intolerable, and why in the end the only answer that works is no contact
This video makes me wonder if all my internalized anger and self aggression is some sort of self punishment.
Could be like this. Be kind to yourself and look for the source of that anger. Maybe it will help you to talk about it with someone else. In any case, be sure to value yourself and be patient when doing that search. You must be your first and best friend. 😊😊❤ 👍
Great video. Tysm.❤👍
Thanks but easier said than done. Any practical realistic method you can suggest to response such events ?
I had a girlfriend who loved to argue just to argue. She's been my "ex" for a long time now.
internet trolls can get very crafty about it. They can be beat with self control about every time but you'll need patience and some external reason to do it.
Guard your energy.
Where are finding this info? This is very good. This parallels well with my own life experiences.
You are right, having this argument is a good use of our time. Tell me your IQ so I can be sure to let you win.
The great thing about psychotherapy is that they tell you what the problem is but hardly helps us getting free.
But what about our significant other?? Should we just don't pay attention?
why do you assume so much about them.