nta, sometimes survivors of rope have intimacy to feel powerful again. but doing it with a coworker instead of your boyfriend of 3 years is just plain cheating.
@bamboo-lc5wiАй бұрын
She was actually saed by the co-worker but called it cheating because in the moment she was too traumatized to say no and put a stop to it. She felt guilty because she froze and "let it happen"
@qiralyncassetteАй бұрын
@@qiralyncassetteIt really sucks that they didn't include the final two updates. The girlfriend did nothing wrong and now there's a whole comment section on the internet demonizing her
@johnlaplant2429Ай бұрын
@@johnlaplant2429 it does 😔 poor gf...
@qiralyncassetteАй бұрын
@@johnlaplant2429 I mean, after being assaulted like she did, the most reasonable thing would be to not meet with any other man alone cause she should be traumatized and to end up having intimacy with a co worker it had to be in private not while working, so she could and should have said no when he asked to be alone with her or to go somewhere alone and that way he could not have taken advantage. I dont know if I made myself clear but I think she is totally the one to blame. She almost didnt meet with her boyfriend, hold hands with him nor speak with him but accepted to go alone with a guy that she barely knows from work after having such an experience like being assaulted? I dont get it and I think it was completely her fault and cant be excused for the trauma. Edit: Before you say anything about that she froze and everything. She froze and couldnt say no when he started the intimacy but what I'm saying she could just say no to meeting so she doesnt have to go through anything like that.
@z3r0d34thАй бұрын
@@z3r0d34thso your first thought is that a rapist would just ask nicely to meet in private and the victim could just say no? A rapist can take any opportunity to take advantage of someone, be that working late, excusing it as a work meeting, or even forcibly taking her to a closed space. Why do you assume she had an opportunity to say no beforehand?
@duckplushie8421Ай бұрын
Guy is a saint. Not his fault or anyone else's. Sometimes, life just hurt.
@MrsMueraАй бұрын
I think its clear as day whos fault it is
@greedyturtle5025Ай бұрын
Oh he is. Spoiler alert, but in the update they stay together.
@mooreladybug84Ай бұрын
@@greedyturtle5025it the grapers fault
@casebouchard2478Ай бұрын
@@casebouchard2478Not about the cheating.
@Henry_The_GoatАй бұрын
@@Henry_The_Goat he made her messed up in the head
@casebouchard2478Ай бұрын
As a r*pe victim this is disgusting. She’s abusing YOU. She know that you are a safe place and always there for her. She’s clearly comfortable with some sort of contact, if she’s able to have intimate relations. The fact she’s trying to use HER TRAUMA AS AN EXCUSE TO CAUSE YOU TRUAMA IS UNACCEPTABLE. YOUR TRUAMA DOESN’T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT CAUSE SOMEONE ELSE TRUAMA. Breaking someone’s trust and loyalty is trauma inducing.
@brandonwells7329 күн бұрын
Sorry that happened but same here I was in second grade hope your better
@Max_Onpawzz-fw2nj3 күн бұрын
@@Max_Onpawzz-fw2njI hope your better
@LordFanta2 күн бұрын
I hope you guys are okay ❤
@SydneyEmmons262 күн бұрын
some other guy said this and i agree. chrating is cheating and the fact that she just used him for nothing and found a guy she worked with is absured. i get it having that happens bad and gives you an absured amount of trauma but dont let people in your life out. youve had so many oppertunities to be with him and chose someone else
@ElLucky69420Күн бұрын
I hope you guys are ok, and yeah. Cheating is cheating.
@Anti-voidКүн бұрын
Not ganna lie terapist and family should of had him in the sessions and included him more in the talks almost instantly. The terapist legit ruined their relationship with their incompatance.
@eveningabused5123Ай бұрын
I totally agree.
@joelgrea6654Ай бұрын
If you read the follow up update, . . . . . . you'll learn the therapist worked with what was provided to her too. Details were omitted and she was not given the full story It wasn't her fault, but a sexist asshole that catalyze the sourness of their relationship.
@karvis386Ай бұрын
SHE ruined their relationship
@J-RushАй бұрын
I too was thinking the problem laid with the damn terapist...
@liamlane1165Ай бұрын
Actually there’s more to this story. This whole mess was actually started by the initial r@pe councilor when she first got to the hospital after the SA. It was this councilor that instructed her family to keep the OP isolated from his gf. The therapist also made errors which compounded the problem. I don’t think the therapist was necessarily incompetent. It seems more like she was inexperienced. The therapist in question eventually recommended that the couple see a new therapist. Perhaps she recognized she wasn’t experienced enough to help them? BTW: OP’s Reddit post were discovered by his and her sisters. This lead to several revealing breakthroughs.
@panzerliebАй бұрын
No no, cheating is cheating. It's an unfortunate situation overall but that doesn't justify cheating
@Unknown16537Ай бұрын
Right
@flamephoenix8413Ай бұрын
I don‘t think you guys are taking into account how much grape can fuck a person up.
@dustinjohnson6278Ай бұрын
Of course I still understand why op is hurt by this, what she did was not right, but it’s not entirely her fault either
@dustinjohnson6278Ай бұрын
The “cheating” was actually closer to assault once GF revealed details to OP. Don’t remember specifics or if any were given. Super fucked up.
@zekeludlow4536Ай бұрын
@@dustinjohnson6278 yeah, you don't get out and cheat after it... I've literally never seen that...
@itsthatonechickagaincallth7843Ай бұрын
Honestly, I think he handled the situation better than I would have. He stuck by her and continued to reach out to her even after she willingly had sex with a man that wasn't him, whilst denying him any of her time or even a hand hold. I would have ended it right there and then, because to me, cheating is cheating, even in the face of rape.
@brxkenarrow5794Ай бұрын
It should be cheating is literally break up then and there
@kavieshautar6453Ай бұрын
No matter the situation
@kavieshautar6453Ай бұрын
@@kavieshautar6453 I don't think is is her fault neither OP She never said yeah I lover doing it with an co worker, she was sorry and tried her best to continue her life, same thing to OP he tried his best.
@mcc12cunha22Ай бұрын
@@mcc12cunha22oh no a cheater is sorry boo hoo. She was assaulted and that is awful i genuinely feel for her in that regard but that doesnt give her an excuse to cheat if she wanted to gain back that control over her sexuality she should have done it with her boyfriend of 3!!! Years not a coworker. She gave her boyfriend the slip for months and then cheated on him willingly now she has to deal with the consequences. Tough luck
@RealPredators13Ай бұрын
@@RealPredators13so true man, so true
@Official5starzАй бұрын
it’s absurd to bang a coworker rather than be with the person with whom you’ve crafted a deep and trusting relationship for years… trauma is a helluva thing man
@Nicklovin1337Ай бұрын
No its not absurd : its retaking control of your sex life. What is absurd is to deny it to the person you should love and trust at the same time. But humans are by nature irrationals and it's very hard not to be.
@joelgrea6654Ай бұрын
There's a lot of extra info on Reddit about this story. Basically, there were a lot of crossed signals that the GF interpreted as the BF losing desire for her after the attack. Doesn't excuse the cheating, but might explain it some. And yes, processing trauma can lead some people to make incredibly stupid decisions that they don't fully think through. In the Reddit updates, GF found out about the letter and posts before he actually broke up with her, and last update they were still together and on the road to working it out.
@JB-bb4suАй бұрын
"Trauma" everything just blames on trauma but at the end of the day in my country people go through close ones horrible deaths and there is no repercussion on the family, friends or anyone. This type of stuff only happens in societies where there is no family support and love, the therapist actively made things worse rather than prioritizing the most basic thing of having the people youre closest to around. This whole reddit story is stupid, the guy is an idiot and shouldve left her if there was no progress within three months.
@screamskilos3951Ай бұрын
@@screamskilos3951 I guess siblings and parents aren't family, now.
@azearaazymoto461Ай бұрын
@@screamskilos3951 yeah i agree with the latter half of what you said, but trauma is a very real and debilitating thing, the stigma around mental health in todays society is just “get over it” tldr; trauma is real and you should recognize it, unlike this reddit story which is horribly fake and stupid
@Nicklovin1337Ай бұрын
Nta. Even if r*ped people have intimacy to feel powerful again, it doesn't justify doing it with a random coworker instead of her boyfriend of 3+ years, while not even letting him kiss her after 1.5 years. He isn't a bad guy for leaving her.
@cykoneditsАй бұрын
as a victim of rape I can say that you are not doing any thin wrong for leaving her, though you weren't hurt in the same way you were still hurt greatly by this, you have every right to leave her ( I just read all my replies and you guys had me laughing so hard, it's fine to have your own opinions so there's no need to argue about it)
@Dementia-yn2dfАй бұрын
I agree
@hsiaoaodАй бұрын
Womp
@Deez52Ай бұрын
this isbt f*cking funny its a serious matter grow up@@Deez52
@lexilin1101Ай бұрын
@@Deez52fuck you mean womp?
@Ezioauditoredefirenze221Ай бұрын
It's obvious that she's fallen out of love with him and is only doing this out of fear of being alone. Whether or not she realizes that is the case is a whole other story.
@janschievink1586Ай бұрын
This is a huge HUGE mess! Her trauma is that, hers. Because of how badly she had taken it (no way is a good way, just there are easier methods avalible) he is also suffering. She cheated on him and, in a way, blaming him for her trauma. He has been NOTHING but a patient man for her. His patience gets him cheated on, as well as punished for nothing! He isn't the asshole. Rape affects more than the victim of the crime. This is proof of that.
@tikibomberАй бұрын
Mine only affected me since no one believed me that it happened but soon they will because damage received that night left a tumor and probably within 5 years will take me. Doctors would figure out how I died and they'll realize I never lied about it. I had to go through it and recover on my own without anyone. Since then it seems like my life flashes before my eyes.😔
@spade9321Ай бұрын
@@spade9321 I am sorry you went through such a hard experience.
@tikibomberАй бұрын
Hey. Just know that even if they might not believe you, there are other who share stories similar who understand what you're saying. It's ridiculous how many times people get away with using their trauma when others are denied that it even happened.. we might be strangers but just know some of us know how bad it can feel when we see this. 💙
@BakesutaАй бұрын
@@spade9321womp womp
@mr_avokado_man152Ай бұрын
@@spade9321I am sorry only advice I can give you is to repent your sins and forgive them not for them but for your soul I know it will sound hipocritical coming from me but I dont want you to go to hell you have suffered enough here May God Help you and guide you☦️☦️☦️
@The_Ultimate_WeaponАй бұрын
Sobbing at his letter. He’s an amazing man and incredibly patient and in the end did the best thing possible for both him and her
@turquoisekat1565Ай бұрын
Dang he should of left her as soon as she cheated
@harrisonroberts6298Ай бұрын
Ik i would id have left wayy before
@kongabe2278Ай бұрын
@@kongabe2278 i can understand why would you leave after that person cheated on you but in this story there wasn't any other valid reason for why he would leave her tbh Like yeah he could have but then it would be him just being unsupportive while if you left her just like that. Would it be a bad thing? No. But it wouldn't be a good thing either Props to the man who stayed allthough was cheated on, ignored, ghosted, exluded and still had in mind the best for her, now cutting her off completly.
@user-do5bu8qz9d21 күн бұрын
That man is more than just a 10. He is so patient. Wow. That brought me to tears. That is so heavy. I feel so deeply for this man. I just want to give him the biggest hug.
@aschneider7583Ай бұрын
I think he’s pretty pathetic for putting up with that.
@zsnako5466Ай бұрын
This is not the full story the full story is: he drops the letter to the her Therapist,couple days later her therapist calls him to have a Session with her and his girlfriend. The therapist says something about her cheating being to get control of her life back( or something like that??) Then op bursts out crying and girlfriend crys too, they leave few weeks later he gets a call from girlfriends sister telling him that they saw his post (on reddit) him and girlfriends sister and( I think) girlfriend's friend go to his house and talk to him, then they talk and (I think) plan for op's girlfriend to come over. Couple days later op's girlfriend comes over and talks to him and she ended up tell op what Actually happened, well turns out girlfriend didn't cheat but a coworker ended up assaulting her. Well they cry and kiss and cuddle and stuff and they get back together (also they find out girlfriends parents was trying to keep them apart from the Advice of the er nurse)😊
@Nissan_poofАй бұрын
@@zsnako5466 pathetic for wanting to care about his gf? sounds like your the pathetic one here pal
@bentleybrozovichАй бұрын
Thank you paragraph guy 🙏
@Mythical1066Ай бұрын
@@zsnako5466If being there for your girlfriend is pathetic then you need to rethink about things better
@cheese-and-ricemooney7487Ай бұрын
Summary: she completely withdrew from him, told him she cheated on him with her co-worker after being horribly averse to even touching him, and he broke up with her after a year of complete neglect towards him
@CelestialStrawberriesYTАй бұрын
There's a part missing from the end, if this is the same story I'm aware of. Her sister finds his posts and confronts him, they talk about it, and I think the next day she tells his gf about it and they reconcile. He doesn't end up leaving her, but this served as the kick in the ass she needed to really make strides in her recovery rather than wallowing in it. And the cheating incident wasn't what it seemed. A coworker molested her and she internalized the incident as being her fault for not stopping it because she was too terrified to do anything. Last I heard, they were on the road to being happier together.
@perrycarters3113Ай бұрын
@@perrycarters3113 you know this is a made up story right?
@mikep9690Ай бұрын
@@mikep9690 Me: Hey, your summary of this story is incomplete, here's the summary of the missing part. You: YoU kNoW iT's FaKe, RiGhT? Buddy, at no point did I give an in-depth analysis on the mindsets of the people involved or my opinion on who should have done or should do what. I provided a summary of the story as I last understood it, at no point proclaiming it to be some beautiful or tragic tale or anything of the kind. Why are you going out of your way to try to be rude to people who are commenting on a damn YT video lmfao I'll bet you're the same kinda person who tells people "You know the MCU is just movies, right?"
@perrycarters3113Ай бұрын
@@perrycarters3113 it's a serious subject so if you write a story don't try to put it out as real
@mikep9690Ай бұрын
@@mikep9690What does that have to do with the person updating us? They only added that there were updates you didn’t see If it were real, the woman would be receiving all this crap for cheating when that’s not what happened, two even if it’s fake only having a part of the story paints a bad picture of women That said many story’s have bad portrayals of men and women but that doesn’t void people from critiquing it There’s a difference between writing villains vs having themes that convey broad groups in this case a large part of the population as a monolith in a negative light particularly when it lacks nuance or is misleading and or largely inaccurate and harmful
@LaFemmFatalАй бұрын
As a victim of R I understand the trauma. She was lucky to have a kind loving understanding boyfriend. She really just threw that relationship away and everyone close to her supported her with that. Unlike her my boyfriend broke up with me when I told him. He said it wasn’t my fault but he couldn’t be with me. I wish I had support for me back then.
@hugznotdrugz123426 күн бұрын
NTA. Trauma is never an excuse to hurt other people.
@angelinunuАй бұрын
It can be a reason but never an excuse
@redfatseal24079 күн бұрын
If anyone reads this, there is an update. This part it's just a fraction of the whole thing. In total it's a little over 30 minutes long and I've seen it and it's heartbreaking. If you want to find it, go on KZhead and type "I Want To break up with my Girlfriend of 3 years because she was raped and I was excluded from Her Recovery". I must warn you though, I can't go through this video without crying my eyes out.
To sum up and for those wondering. 1 year and a half later she wouldn’t even let him hold her hand, and when he tried to kiss her she backed away from him like he was the plague, but was comfortable enough to cheat on him 1-2 months after the incident with her coworker. . When he decided he’d had enough and wanted out of the relationship (if u can even call it that) she finally decided that she actually loved him.
@jixie1110Ай бұрын
Im pretty sure she actually just got saed by her coworker and just went along with it bc of her trauma (someone else said that so dont blame me if im wrong)
@ImjadelolАй бұрын
@@Imjadelol there’s nothing in the story that would hint to this, and even if, I’d still call bs. She couldn’t say no to a guy she just met because of her trauma, but was somehow able to say no to a kiss from her bf? No to holding hands? No to a simple freaking conversation? Yeah right… . Also when a person starts to withdraw due to trauma they tend to stay AWAY from work, not look for a job and cheat on their partner…
@jixie1110Ай бұрын
@@jixie1110she was sexually assaulted. There is a full story available and what happened is that she was grabbed by an employee by her thigh and forced to kiss him.
@TheRealHerbaSchmurbaАй бұрын
kzhead.info/sun/l9aieddtbZmrZY0/bejne.html there is the full story if you're wondering. Its heart breaking, really
@matteoxinАй бұрын
@@TheRealHerbaSchmurba right… no . I heard the full story. None of what you said happened. She just slept with her coworker and OP was supposed to just be “okay with it”. . Stop making up imaginary scenarios to excuse a vile act…
@jixie1110Ай бұрын
For anyone wondering, the story does continue, having a sort of happy ending and a few clear ups. (before you read: to anyone not aware, op means original poster, so when I say op, Im referring to the main guy in the story) *Cheating Explained* - Firstly, the girl actually did not cheat, but was molested by her coworker (and there was no condom used because they didnt actually sleep with each other, the coworker mainly inappropriately touched her). The reason why its described as cheating for a big part of the story is because, when the gf told her therapist about the incident, she felt really bad about it and felt like she couldve done more to stop it, leading to her insisting that it was basically cheating and thats why the therapist ended up telling op it as cheating. *No Communication Explained* - Secondly, the reason she ghosted him so hard and never really talked to op or saw op was because, when she was in hospital after the incident, there was an "anti rape advocate" who spoke to gf and her family and instructed them to not let the gf see op or really have any interactions with him (op later describes the advocate to be a man hating woman based off what the gf and her family said). It turns out that the entire time, the gf actually really did want to talk to op normally and continue the relationship but because of the advocates advice, she and her family were forced to keep their interactions to a minimum. (and if youre wondering, the advocate was an actual worker at the hospital so thats why gf and her family actually listened to her from what I remember) *What happened after* - Thirdly, everyone in the situation actually finds out about the reddit posts and ends up feeling sorry for op because no one knew how he felt nor about the way he was being treated, which, leads to ops sister (who actually turns out to be one of the gfs best friends) and the gfs sister confronting op, but it ends up with tldr; neither of them really being mad, ops sister defending op, and gfs sister telling bf the truth about how they were told to keep distance. Later on, gfs sister and gf see op, gfs sister leaves and gf chooses to stay with op, leading to both of them spending a couple days together and op finds out that he really is happy with gf and from what everyone knows, they continue the relationship. (gf does also apologise a bunch of times for how she made him feel and tells him about how she still does love him). *Where to find full post* - This comment is mainly meant to kind of clear up some of the misconceptions within the video due to it not being the finished version, but if you have the time definetly look it up and read the actual post as it describes things a lot better than my summary (note though, its still very sad and you might cry reading the whole thing). The original post was locked in its original sub but someone reposted it in a dif sub, which, you can find it by searching the title of this video + reddit in google (just checked, the sub that its now in is r/BestOfRedditorUpdates and a quick note, before you read the final update, check the comments of the sub because the final update in the post isnt complete and the first half is in the comments). edit - I labelled each section so everyone can find the parts they want more clarification on
@GhostedPizzaАй бұрын
Please tell the id where it is posted
@SayaniDas-sg7jtАй бұрын
@@SayaniDas-sg7jt I think it’s like rEZNjy6W05 in the sub I mentioned
@GhostedPizzaАй бұрын
I love you for this
@bobbillybobtoes1519Ай бұрын
No they didn't care how he felt
@criswellpicturesАй бұрын
:D
@tobiasosuna5023Ай бұрын
Damn, she went balls deep on playing the victim and was clearly enjoying it. Probably the most attention she has gotten since being a child.
@SetsurafulАй бұрын
Not to offend anyone but if that happened to you can't use it as a excuse to cheat I mean i get that's it a of the " recovering process " but cutting off the only person you've been dating for 1 year+ it can hurt someone deeply
@LoganSmallwood-mf4njАй бұрын
In future updates it's revealed she was sa'ed but convinced herself her boyfriend would still consider it cheating so didn't tell the full story. There was no actual intimacy, she was forcefully grabbed and fingered.
@johnlaplant2429Ай бұрын
@@johnlaplant2429so she was sa’ed twice?
@seriousdudes8070Ай бұрын
Who would believe her at that point?@@johnlaplant2429
@BradawickАй бұрын
H0w dARE u T0 QuEsTi0N HeR EmP0weRMenT? 5HaMe on U!
@ezecskornfanАй бұрын
And if she did wanna have sex with someone to recover, why not her bf? That's what I'm trying to figure out 😭😭
@Galaxy-fn3xeАй бұрын
If I were in then OP's shoes I would have dumped her when they told me she cheating on me. She doesn't want to make love with someone who actually cares about her and knows her well, but she makes love with a random coworker.
@NedvesperecАй бұрын
I bet that coworker used her as well, sounds like it was not one time thing, also there is a full story I haven't watched it
@moco8721Ай бұрын
@@moco8721 This is a really hard topic, because I've never been graped and I don't know how effect me, so what I say is might be rude and not true but... If you basically get graped by a coworker, tell the police. If the guy used her that's kinda her fault too, because cheating requires TWO people. Cheating is not a mistake, it's a choice. If she really wanted to stay with the OP, she should have said no to the coworker,but she did not said that
@NedvesperecАй бұрын
@@moco8721 no she was used, read the full story, the coworker SAed her
@Sumika975Ай бұрын
Coworker SAed her. She froze up, but luckily another coworker came in before anything escalated. It was probably hard to say no, or fight back after previously being r-worded
@austin17721Ай бұрын
@@austin17721 Knowing the full story kind changed my opinion
@NedvesperecАй бұрын
She didn’t take back her sexuality. She got interested in a hook up. There was no emotional baggage so it was physical raw lust. She’s a cheater and logically it would be your partner whose loved and supported you whom you’d wish to reestablish intimacy with. OP shouldn’t get back with her. If she cheated in a supposed broken state, what’s to say when she’s better she won’t do it again as she was going to be forgiven the first time. “I’m taking back my sexuality to be open for you OP” is such a horse shit excuse. By that logic all cheaters simply let off steam and needed to cheat in order to realize their partner is worth it while they cheat”
@marvinsalmeron585Ай бұрын
NTA - girlfriend never actually loved you either unfortunately, traumatic things bring people closer to those they hold dear the fact she pushed you away shows she didn’t love you the way you loved her. That’s not saying she’s a bad person what happened to her was awful but the guy is in prison you got more justice than the majority of people in the situation and you have someone who tries their hardest for you and you treat them like they’re just there for your convenience. No trauma excuses her behaviour you can’t treat people you claim to love like that and think you deserve sympathy. If any of you ever find yourself with someone who makes you feel less than how you see yourself, end it there and then you can’t surround yourself with people that don’t match your vision of your future. This man has every man’s respect for sticking by her even after treating him the way she did. However, you can’t stay with someone out of pity especially if the relationship or you’re contact with them won’t be the same. It’s not victim blaming to not want to put yourself through being with someone who can’t ever love you like you love them. Keep your heads up everyone and don’t forget to keep looking forward trauma can only hurt you after the fact of you let it cause it’s not still happening. You need to find something or someone who makes the pain easier and show them that they make your life so much better. Moral of the story: Don’t ruin someone else’s life because you’ve had traumas
@FuziboiАй бұрын
Yeah horrible thing happened, but kind of an incredibly d*ck move on everyone's parts to keep him out of the loop and alienate him. Two wrongs don't make a right no matter how shitty the circumstances.
@musicprospers6380Ай бұрын
Exactly what Im saying! They treated him like an outsider but he has been her support for 3 years. What kind of shit is that?
@TheRealHerbaSchmurbaАй бұрын
IDK how to feel about this. I don't have any hatred toward either of them though and feel so bad for both of them.
@kippert8912Ай бұрын
its not that some of us hate her, its just disappointing that she only tried to involve him more into her life when she realized that he was slowly becoming distant from her. some would mistake disappointment with hatred when in the heat of the moment and would only look at it from that perspective. you could tell he didnt hate her from the simple fact that he wasnt blaming her for all that had happened
@fungames755Ай бұрын
@@fungames755nah I dislike her for manipulating a cheating event as a healing process and supposedly couldn’t even help her own lie. She took back her sexuality but can’t be intimate with OP months after it? Also tells him in the office to be gaslit to being ok with it. She cheated plain and simple. She’s physically not interested in OP but enjoys someone taking a caring interest in her. This isn’t from her trauma also, this is isolated in providing she’s scummy.
@marvinsalmeron585Ай бұрын
Bro I try my best to understand but if you got a boyfriend who is understanding enough to set his own boundaries and time for a girl and than he finds out that she had relationship with a CO worker who she did not know for more than 3 years well brother I would hate that girl for all my heart and I don’t care cheating is cheating and not even talking to him is just plain bull
@thirsty9627Ай бұрын
Good now switch the genders
@SMCwasTaken22 күн бұрын
She's so traumatized, but she has NO right to traumatize her boyfriend of 3 YEARS like that! Cheating is the utmost disrespect and that girl thing deserves every bit of misfortune that comes with the breakup. She didn't deserve to be roped, but she also had no right to do what she did. She deserves to be alone for the rest of her life.
@skrrtskrrt760Ай бұрын
Shes acting like an idiot
@vamp8903Ай бұрын
no she doesn't wtf, no one does
@TheDominicProjectАй бұрын
This isn't the full story. She didn't cheat. She froze up when a coworker violated her with his fingers.
@JustSomeGuywithEpicGrasses29 күн бұрын
@@JustSomeGuywithEpicGrasseswhere did you hear this?
@Fodkdj28 күн бұрын
@@Fodkdj the update posts. The guy was very clear about all of it. She blamed herself for it, because she was too scared to do anything about it and didn't say no.
@JustSomeGuywithEpicGrasses28 күн бұрын
Honestly, she probably shouldn’t be in a relationship at this point. She just isn’t mentally or emotionally in a place for it. He made a good call for the both of them.
@rachelicey604Ай бұрын
Can we get a second update on this issue. Just curious what the outcome is with this situation.
@deanjackson625Ай бұрын
Full story +30mins kzhead.info/sun/l9aieddtbZmrZY0/bejne.htmlsi=2OR6j8JOB1rGWC7s
@xxx_abbas_xxx1885Ай бұрын
Someone posted a tldr version in the comments
@shinatina2466Ай бұрын
From another comment “If anyone reads this, there is an update. This part it's just a fraction of the whole thing. In total it's a little over 30 minutes long and I've seen it and it's heartbreaking. If you want to find it, go on KZhead and type "I Want To break up with my Girlfriend of 3 years because she was raped and I was excluded from Her Recovery".
@TheRealHerbaSchmurbaАй бұрын
@@TheRealHerbaSchmurba i kinda think the guy was stupid in this story cause i think he forgave her and got back with her when she cheated on him wich is a dumbass move ngl
@Coolsteev25 күн бұрын
@@Coolsteev He spent 3 years of a happy relationship with her I dont think thats something any one can easily forget or cut off their love ones in just a single day.
@maristali542820 күн бұрын
i started crying at the letter💀
@Bakugo.s_WifeАй бұрын
who would cry over that lmao🤣(I cried so much that I became dehydrated)
@angelinunuАй бұрын
Tears are rolling down my face rn oh my god
@wooshinwev4329Ай бұрын
If she’s not prepared to make him part of her healing, he needs to move on. I say this as a victim of a serial rpst. I hope he’s walked away and moved on. Her parents and therapist are holding her back on her healing.
@ScotVenusАй бұрын
Some therapist need to stop allowing toxic behavior just because someone is hurt doesn’t mean they should hurt others her therapist needs to lose her job 💯
@TheLuisdlcАй бұрын
I don't care how f*cking broken you are. She still cheated on him. She didn't even acknowledge him. She had so many chances to seek comfort with him. She even has the balls to tell him straight to HIS face that her cheating is OKAY and that she won't do it again. But let's be honest here, we ALL know she will cheat again. Hell I'm willing to bet my life on that. If shes that depressed then she should talk to him, family, friends, not s*x with her co-worker.
@connorpencek6838Ай бұрын
2 updates after this talked about how the girl didn't cheat, she was SA'ed by her co worker and her guilt of her not fighting back at that moment made her think that she cheated on him. Also there was a lot of misunderstanding cuz family, therapist as well as friends gave sht advice to both of them making them both think that the other doesn't love them as much as they used to.
@JeiiSuuАй бұрын
@@JeiiSuuhey can you link the original post
@TacotruckmanАй бұрын
@@Tacotruckmanyou can’t it got taken down you gotta find a post that links a post that links a post
@SirbleGurbleАй бұрын
@@SirbleGurble k thanks tho
@TacotruckmanАй бұрын
@@JeiiSuuYeah but was she really SAd or did she just claim that to not loose him?
@bento4876Ай бұрын
This person gave his heart and didn't receive one back
@raihan652Ай бұрын
I think (in my opion) at least a little acknolegment would have gone a long way. just to let him know she sees him.
@ThatCatByTheStreet-ln2yc5we7dАй бұрын
NTA, she’s not ready for a kiss but ready to have intimacy with a coworker?? Bs! The therapist that said it wasn’t cheating but it really was. She had intimacy with a coworker instead of a boyfriend of 3 years
@Squishmallow24Ай бұрын
I get all the trauma part and needing time to recover. But seeking comfort in another man instead of your boyfriend of a 3 years relationship is just cheating. I know I might get for this but that man tried way to many times, I think what is has done is correct. Most guys would just leave her like nothing but yet he still stayed and tried to help.
@SloshJOАй бұрын
nah fam it was her fault when she screwed that coworker u should have checked out at that moment there is no way to smooth that over
@jonathanblanchard1100Ай бұрын
She didn’t she was actually roped by the co worker but just called it cheating
@superpow375525 күн бұрын
@@superpow3755 what the coworker happened after
@jonathanblanchard110025 күн бұрын
@@jonathanblanchard1100 if you go, reddit it and read the story, it actually shows you that she was actually roped by the coworker but , just called it cheating
@superpow375524 күн бұрын
Surely, and then kept working with him as if nothing happened.
@CarlosAngelo118 күн бұрын
All the morons pretending the first encounter wasn't her fault are amusing. She just keeps getting caught cheating and retroactively withdrawing consent.
@sn580615 күн бұрын
Honestly? When I heard the full story it made alot more sense why. While yes rope will fully traumatize someone it doesn't excuse cheating. Even if you wanted to feel power again you have a boyfriend of 3 years. Not some coworker.
@TheCreditmenace-10000Ай бұрын
My heart goes out to her but the way they treated him after this was not fair. He is supposed to be her anchor and a form of support and the entire family put him on the backseat like he didnt matter. They constantly ordered him around and gave him timetables like an employee for when he could talk to her and they kept on leaving him in the dark and ghosting him. She is going through alot, I get that, but it wasnt fair the way they were treating him. All they had to do was let him in.
@TheRealHerbaSchmurbaАй бұрын
I read this story. In the end, when he tried to break up, she blamed her family to block his contact after the r****, because a woman in the hospital told to do so. Then she said that she did not cheat, the guy in the job kissed her and she frooze. So, he believes and forgives her.
@matheusdepaula687Ай бұрын
Later in the story he specifies that she had "unprotected intimacy" with the coworker, so he has been told that somewhere. And she wants him to believe... that to hide this coworker kissing her...that she decided to lie and say she slept with this dude unprotected? What mental gymnastics are happening here this poor guy still needs to leave. Sad situation all round but no one is doing any real healing staying in this situation.
@victoriaherndon6857Ай бұрын
Dawg why are you spreading misinformation, that did not happen lol
@ArianeM-gk2vpАй бұрын
@@ArianeM-gk2vp kzhead.info/sun/l9aieddtbZmrZY0/bejne.htmlsi=_HFCQolQRumy97Pt the complete story
@matheusdepaula687Ай бұрын
Do you have a link to the original?
@patrickgardner2204Ай бұрын
The complete story: kzhead.info/sun/l9aieddtbZmrZY0/bejne.htmlsi=sOi-mZB5hu1cBuPG
@matheusdepaula687Ай бұрын
I understand that some r*pe victims sometimes have intimacy to feel strong again. However, doing it with some random coworker, unprotected no less, despite having a long time boyfriend who has done nothing but be worried and concerned for your health and safety, is not excusable. Being a victim from someone completely unrelated is not an excuse to cheat. There's never an excuse to cheat. I honestly don't even see the logic in the gf's mind. Wouldn't she have felt safer and powerful again doing it with someone who actually loves her, instead of some random guy?
@finalbossgamer5481Ай бұрын
He is literally the perfect boyfriend, he has been supportive all the way. He’s barely been told anything and has been waiting for her for a over a year, only to be told that she’s been sleeping with someone else
@Rose_Bush9Ай бұрын
I get what you mean, I love how my girlfriend lets me rawdog strangers because of my past traumas. She's a supportive little angel considerate of my issues.
@coldeedАй бұрын
@@coldeed best gf ever fr, shes so supportive 🙏🙏
@broidkanymore-zc4lt16 күн бұрын
Goes to watch shorts.. ends up watching 15 min sometimes 30 min videos just to hear the rest lol
@bulletz4desert502Ай бұрын
Facts 🤣
@mcc12cunha22Ай бұрын
He's being more supportive than i would ever do. At the point when she tells me that, i would just get out of the therapist office and end our relationship
@YukiwolflyАй бұрын
this poor guy, I mean cheating is cheating you can't justify that. Yeah, I feel bad for her getting r@ped but still you can't cheat and use that as an excuse. if she wanted to have s@x she could have done it with her boyfriend but honestly, I'm on this guy's side no matter what name you give it, it is still cheating.
@Physics11828Ай бұрын
Agreed
@josesamson6834Ай бұрын
That whole damn story was sad.... that letter nearly made me cry.... I really wonder what happened after
@Not.Alyssa777Ай бұрын
I'm not a therapist, so I can't say with certainty that this is what would be standard or even if that is actually a reasonable thing to suggest someone to do, but just based on the results of the advice, I feel like this therapist was the 2nd worst thing to happen to their relationship. NTA OP. Edit: I JUST LISTENED TO THE UPDATE AFTER THIS VIDEOS ENDS. It wasn't the therapist, it was an actual Rape Victim Advocate (an apparently scummy one at that) at the hospital that the GF was listening to who told her to cut OP out of her life, and that Advocate is (according to OP anyway) being investigated and fired. GF never cheated, but was apparently fingered at work by a coworker, and the GF just didn't say no, and just told the therapist that she cheated because she thought OP would've thought it was cheating anyway. All of this was apparently confirmed by a notebook GF was keeping to document her recovery. So basically, i take back everything i said about the therapist being the 2nd worst thing to happen to their relationship. Just didn't have all the info either. Sorry Therapist, i was incorrect. Anway, GF found out before she got the letter that OP made the post on reddit. That's when all of that started coming out. OP and GF are apparently back together, and OP is now full time apart of GFs recovery. I think that's everything.
@crazyJman80Ай бұрын
okay so if your gonna cheat after getting raped then whats the point of a boyfriend. isnt he there for a reason.. i would have left instantly
@elementron2.016Ай бұрын
yeah no one cares what you would do pal
@thisisanaltaccountnewАй бұрын
Ok what I would say is “I wanna talk… you backed away when I tried to kiss you but you had intimacy with another man”
@Evvixy_19Ай бұрын
just because there is a reason for somthing bad (cheating). dose not justify it.
@ThatCatByTheStreet-ln2yc5we7dАй бұрын
@@ThatCatByTheStreet-ln2yc5we7d I’m agreeing
@Evvixy_19Ай бұрын
my man has the mental strength of a god to not have ran through a window at the therapists office and met pavement
@Nobody5555-Ай бұрын
NTA, Being a victim doesn't excuse dogshit behaviour.
@starchecker863129 күн бұрын
If she *ever* cheats. She WILL cheat again. . As a survivor of that too, i NEVER cheated immediately afterwards. I took back my life in ways that might have hurt me, in ways that i definitely regret. But NEVER in ways that hurt any people i care about. EVER.
@charmedrools1Ай бұрын
You ever get frustrated that the person telling the story doesn't react the way you would
@bennettdurham-kline6144Ай бұрын
Fr like Wdym she cheated and you still continued the relationship with her like bruh
@Killformee16 күн бұрын
The therapist should lose their license. It's awful what happened to the girl, but she's still a cheater. The guy in this story did everything he possibly could and still felt like he had to walk on eggshells, it's a shame.
@milktea232325 күн бұрын
NTA she needs to heal. And a new therapist. My confusion in her situation comes from her being intimate with a coworker while bristling from the slightest look/touch from her long time BF.
@aquawoelflyАй бұрын
I think she cheated on him with the therapist as well...
@ms.chuisin7727Ай бұрын
Man that letter made me cry To the person I’m the story you are so kind and are trying ur best it is not ur fault u have been an absolute saint
@Sofiya-yo6vuАй бұрын
I'm a man and I really don't understand female psychology, but for me cheating is cheating.
@Lustful_foxАй бұрын
Ok. I originally hated this woman for cheating, but this isn't the full story. She didn't cheat she was sexualy assaulted at work and she didn't do anything the therapist didn't explain anything correctly.
@nbdforever8668Ай бұрын
Thinking back I don't know if I believe her in the actual post where she said she was assaulted. The family knew and didn't clarify it to OP so. Part of me still think she cheated
@nbdforever8668Ай бұрын
@@nbdforever8668 idk man, she'd have to be a real piece of shit to lie about being assaulted after recently being raped. And the back-tracking doesn't make sense IMO.... Like you don't usually tell the truth and then come back with a lie especially since when she originally told him with the therapist she didn't know how he'd react or if he'd be willing to stay with her. But I also think a lot of these "am I the AH" stories are made up 😂
@jessicawaters7600Ай бұрын
It's one thing to be traumatized by a situation that ocured to you. It's another to hurt/traumatize other people because you were traumatized.
@Rabdom50Ай бұрын
I don't blame the guy honestly, it just sad on both ends. Probably for the best.
@NoSirNotTodayOrTomorrowАй бұрын
yk I get things are traumatizing but doing something like this is no excuse and this is cheating
@webscgaminganimations3695Ай бұрын
This man is the best Chad out there
@aqusoooАй бұрын
Report the therapist. Seriously unprofessional. Also, F that cheating Can't Understand Normal Thinker.
@crazymic79Ай бұрын
That letter was perfect I don’t think you could have told her any other way ❤😢
@RUNNERBEANVRАй бұрын
She tells you that you need to respect her wishes but she cant respect your request..... Having a background in psychology, yes the therapist is incompetent. There is no justification for a partner cheating. She was not regaining her freedoms. She was being selfish and self serving
@Ninja0fNasagaАй бұрын
I’ve seen the full thing from another channel, apparently her supposed cheating was some work college getting his rocks off from assaulting OP’s gf and because she didn’t stop it, she considered it cheating. Op and Gf’s sisters found the Reddit post, printed it, and went over to OP to beg him not to go through with the breakup. Then GF herself goes with the sisters and that’s the first time there was any actual affection between the two. The story ends with both of them still together, but seeing as it was from another video it may be a made up ending, don’t take my word for any of this I have yet to find the original post Edit: Found the post, the following info is correct but to correct a thing, as per the post, it was a guy: “getting his jollies by feeling up my girl.” So still not cheating, supposedly it’s revictímizing as some of the Reddit users in the thread have said. The original posts are deleted but there’s a thread retelling the story
@thebrush9506Ай бұрын
His letter at the end choked me up a bit. I could feel his frustration, pain and loneliness. He deserves better and shouldn’t put his life on hold because his girlfriend did. NTAH
@kairinaminemix24 күн бұрын
What a stand up guy. Wish I could find myself a man like this. Stood by her through thick and thin and he’s still beating himself up for it. Only so much you can do man, can only control yourself not others.
@alicynfortuna194123 күн бұрын
I think there was an update to this story after the gf and her sister found his reddit post and they kinda "gaslight him" into taking her back
@echo5892Ай бұрын
I understand why OP feels so conflicted. He wants to be understanding and kind to her, after all, his girlfriend was raped, and being raped can leave a heavy scar on a person’s mind. It messes with people, I’ve seen survivors of rape end up being so obsessed with sex just because it makes them feel powerful. But I know why OP feels hurt. It’s cheating, even if the person who cheated wasn’t mentally all there. She’s been keeping her own boyfriend on the back burner and even had sex with a co-worker over her boyfriend, someone she should be trusting. I think it’s best that OP leave this relationship, even if it means sending his girlfriend into a frenzy. NTA, but I understand why others would feel this is a complicated situation to rate.
@DebtsofImmortalityАй бұрын
I so understand. I was r*ped age 14. I was traumatized refused to cooperate with police, doctors as I was hospitalized from it and even could not talk about it for many years. I am a man. Married now with two adult kids and am age 63. Do not leave her stand by her let her heal if you love her. if however she was only miss fun leave her. now!
@paulstutz705926 күн бұрын
I think the whole getting robbed thing was the cover up from cheating so I don’t blame him for wanting to leave and feeling the way he was feeling
@ramonasmithАй бұрын
if anyone doesnt want to search, heres the post. A year ago, actually a year and a month ago, my g/f was raped as she was leaving work. Thankfully she was not killed however her attacker did threaten her with a knife. Fortunately the store she works at had camera's in the parking lot and between them getting video of the attack and the bank across the street getting the attackers car on camera the Police were able to catch him within a day. Between the video, and dna testing he did not even contest he just plead guilty in exchange for not receiving the max. Since there were aggravating circumstances, the knife, the judge gave him a 20 year sentence and with time for good behavior he can be out in about 10 years, give or take. I tell you all of that to make it clear that her attacker is no longer a threat. She doesn't have to fear him coming back for her at least for 10 years or so. Obviously this was a very traumatic event in her life and while I was not a victim per se it was also very traumatic for me as well. I can't imagine what she has gone through and I don't compare my situation to her at all. But I have had severe bouts of depression because I couldn't protect her and knowing someone else was harming her sometimes was almost more than I could handle. Right after the incident she did not want to see me. I get that, it hurt but I understood. Her parents picked her up from the hospital and I did not see or hear from her for a week, which I sort of get but I think I could have gotten a text or something just saying she was ok. Finally a week in her sister calls me and lets me know that she is staying with her parents and she will be calling me in a couple of days. She never called me. Instead I once again get a text from her sister saying she would like me to come over for a few minutes so we can talk. I get up and go over and am greeted at the door by her mother who very calmly and very coldly starts laying out to me how I am to act and what I am to say. I am further instructed to not attempt to make any physical contact with her as in hug or anything. Okay, again I get it, major trauma I'm sure they have been coached by therapist/counselors or something in what to say and do around her so I play along. I walk in and she is sitting on a chair with her Dad standing next to her and her sister sitting on the couch. As I walk in the room the sister starts talking and telling me that my g/f wants me to know that she is okay but obviously she has been traumatized and appreciates my understanding in her recovery. She never said one single word to me and barely looked at me. Again, this was right after the event and I'm understanding that this is how it has to be. But honest to God that entire conversation was just awkward as hell. I leave, go home and attempt to focus on how I can help her. I start googling how to deal with a rape survivor and what I can expect. She starts going to therapy initially 2 times a week then after two months it goes down to 1 day a week. In the meantime she finally makes contact with me and asks to meet at a coffee shop. I get there and she is already there and waiting. At this point in time they had her so medicated that I was dealing with a zombie for the most part. There was no emotion and she was very methodical in her speech. Basically she wanted to get together that day to tell me that she couldn't go out with me for awhile until she got past some issues she was dealing with. Of course I told her I understood, this was almost a month after the attack and this was our first conversation by ourselves so I was already living under this assumption. I told her I would be there for her and that whatever she needed whether that be space or a shoulder to cry on or anything I was there for her. I started to tell her that I loved her and she stopped me. She told me that right now she didn't want to hear that and that I had to respect her wishes. I was once again a little hurt and frankly surprised but I said what ever she wanted.
@orange_viking2806Ай бұрын
She starts texting me the next day. Little things, nothing important but I think it is a big step in getting back to where we were. This goes on for another month and a half. I finally ask her at the month and a half mark if we could meet for dinner? She didn't reply for two days and then said that she had to wait for to talk to her therapist. Finally she agrees to this but sets the date for another month away. Now mind you this is almost 4 months after the attack and so far I've had one physical conversation with her in person and one bizarre conversation with her and her family. Oh yea I need to mention this, I am not being updated on her progress by anyone. Granted I realize that I am not officially family nor am I entitle do anything but it would have been nice to just get a text or call or something from someone telling me that she was doing good in therapy or was not or anything. We go out to eat at a small bistro that we ate at all of the time, I met her there and I was waiting for her to show up. After sitting for a half hour waiting I text to see what was up, I just get a text of "on my way". She finally arrives and sits down. I ask her how she has been and she snapped at me and told me to not ask her personal questions. We ate and after dinner I wanted to just sit and talk because I missed the person I had talked to almost every day for the previous 3 years. But when she was done eating she said that she was ready to go home. I asked her if she could stay for just a few minutes to talk but I could see that she was becoming physically anxious and I did not want to upset her so I said that I loved her and missed her. She just walked away. She goes back to texting me the next day like nothing had been wrong. We actually start to see each other once a week for lunch and she is getting more and more comfortable with being out so she sits and talks awhile. She has also started a new job which she tells me about. This goes on for another 4 months. I'm happy to see her and all but honestly I'm very lonely and we have not even so much as held hands. Then one day she doesn't show up for lunch, I text to see if she is okay, no reply. I call her parents to see if they know where she is and to make sure she is okay. I got the runaround from them and by this time I am starting to get upset because I don't want to know where she was at or anything I just wanted to know if she was okay. After actually saying that her mom say's, yes she is okay but don't expect to hear from her for awhile. Well that makes me start to thinking she has had a relapse and is in the hospital, but what can I do? All I do is go home and try and take my mind off of it. Two weeks pass with nothing from anybody. I'm trying my best to be reasonable here but basically I call her sister and ask if she is still alive or what. She knew I was getting frustrated so she apologizes but that her sister told them to specifically not let me talk to her. At this point I break down. I don't know what I've done wrong here. I have not pushed her, I have not tried to get her to be with me in any way other than to just talk to me and even then I have had very generic conversations so as to not upset her. I then get a text from her asking if I would meet with her at an address I wasn't familiar with but once I looked it up I determined this was a therapist office. I am told be there at 4 which meant I had to leave work early to get there. I check in at the front desk and am told that the therapist wants to speak to me alone for a few minutes. She comes in and I now know where the parents were getting this from because after formally greeting me she then started to provide me with a list of do's and don'ts. She then told me that my g/f wanted to speak to me and had something to tell me. I go in and she is sitting on one chair and I am instructed to sit in the other. She has a box of tissues and has been crying. The therapist tells me that I am here because my g/f has something to tell me and that she wanted the safety of therapist office to feel safe. She then proceeds to tell me that the reason she did not meet me for lunch that day is because she was with another guy, somebody from her new job, and that they had been intimate with each other. She might as well have taken a gun out and shot me, it couldn't have hurt anymore. I just drop my head and begin to cry. The therapist then pipes in with some logic about her taking back her sexuality since she was attacked and how this wasn't cheating in the same sense of cheating. My g/f then proceeds to tell me that she does not want to lose me and that she is just very fucked up in the head and that it was a one time thing and blah blah blah. I feel very trapped at that moment. I felt like I was ganged up on and the more I set the madder I got. I finally just said to her, you haven't so much as held my hand in the past half year yet you can go fuck some guy you met at work while I sit like a jackass waiting for my junior high like date. This of course caused her to go into hysterics and the therapist asked me to leave. I apologized and told her to text me if she wants to if she wants to keep working this out. I get that text later that day. Now she is all chatty and shit telling me that this was the worst mistake of her life and please talk to her. I tell her that I don't know if I can go on with this but agree to meet her. I flat out tell her right up front when I see her that for me to even consider going forward with this that she has to cut this other guy off period. She tells me that is impossible because they work together and I tell her that I'm sorry but I won't even consider it if she is going to see this guy everyday. She decides to find another job and after talking with my sister she who I have told everything to she said that while it is not common some women do attempt to have sex after being attacked so that they feel like they have power again. Now why I am not the one who she did this with I have no idea, but I know I feel like I am being punished for something I did not even do. She changes jobs and we go back to our lunch's and I do this twice when I tell her that I am getting a little tired of just meeting for lunch and doing nothing else so she agrees to come over to watch TV with me. That has been it up until tonight. Tonight she came over and we watched two movies and ate pizza. During the second movie I tried to give her a kiss. Nothing more, just a fucking kiss. She backs away as though I was a cross and she was a vampire and tells me she is not ready for that yet. Okay, not my finest moment here I admit but I tell her that it's been a fucking year and a month and I have not tried one god damn thing with her or forced her into anything and yet she willingly fucked some other guy months ago but here I am still waiting to hold hands. She of course starts crying but this time I'm not as fast to apologize. I do apologize for the tone of my voice and tell her that I would never try and force her to do anything against her will but honestly I feel like I have been kept on the outside, I've been cheated on (I don't give two shits what they call it, she willingly had unprotected sex with someone else) and I feel like I have done everything to try and be a supportive b/f. I tell her that honestly I don't want her to text me until I decide what I am going to do. I don't want to be unfair to her but by the same token a year is a long time and we are really no closer to being back to normal than we were 6 months ago and I have no idea how long this will go on. Now here is the part where if you didn't think I was asshole before you will now. I am just tired of not having sex. Look I certainly understood not trying anything right afterwards and even months afterwards, but its been over a year and were not even holding hands and frankly the fact that she has been with someone else since this incident is killing me inside. So I told her that I am going to think things through and promised to talk with her next week sometime. But as it stands tonight I think I'm done. I love her, I hate the motherfucker who ruined both of our lives. I know this isn't her fault and I hate that I feel like shit no matter what I do. If I stay I am going to be resentful and even if she comes over tomorrow and has sex with me it will feel like either pity sex or desperation sex. But I know ending this will be punishing her for something that isn't her fault either. Advice? My God this is way to long. tl;dr: g/f was raped over a year ago. in the meantime I have given her space and let her deal with things as she deems fit. We have not been together sexually since the attack, she on the other hand has been with another guy since. I think I'm done but looking for advice.
@orange_viking2806Ай бұрын
FIRST UPDATE: First let me say that when I wrote my first post I was obviously in a very bad place. That night's incident was very fresh on my mind and the pain I was feeling at that moment was more than I could handle. I typed that out, which was cathartic to me, then decided to crawl into a bottle of Jim Beam. I called in sick yesterday from work, which was not a lie as I had the hangover from hell and spent time alternating vomiting and laying with an ice bag on my head. I finally opened up reddit last night and to say that I was overwhelmed would be a massive understatement. I could not believe the number of messages I had in my inbox. I lost count to be honest with you but it was way in excess of 1 k. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. There were so many people who opened up to me about their own experience either being the victim or being the s/o of a victim. Each of your story's touched me more than I could say. One in particular got to me and I'm not going to lie I sat at my keyboard and cried for 20 minutes reading his story. It was so eerily similar to mine that it was as if it was happening to me all over again. However this was written from an older gentleman who went through virtually the same thing and had to make similar choices. Thank you sir, I won't share any details since that was sent to me in confidence but you truly touched me. That all being said here I am today. Although universally I was told I was not an asshole and not in the wrong it still doesn't feel right. I feel like an absolute failure and that if I would have just been more assertive early on in the process that we could have changed things. I don't think I made it clear enough how much I loved and still love her. Letting this relationship go is like saying I have to lose an arm. I haven't eaten any solid food since Sunday night, I know I have to quit drinking (yes I called into work again today) but right now feeling numb is better than what I feel like I have to do. Before I go over my intentions I do want to clear up a couple of things. As I said I wrote that while I was still very upset and hurt so I think I was probably either not clear enough or maybe painted a couple of people in a bad light. First to her parents. Yes, I've known her parents since 3 weeks into our relationship. They have never been anything but kind to me and we have eaten at their house twice a month since we have been together. My family has always celebrated Christmas on Christmas eve so I have spent 3 of the past 4 Christmas's at her house with them. I do not fault or blame them. Their child was brutalized and traumatized so they circled the wagon around her, which while I do not have any kids I certainly understand that she was top priority to them. Her Dad has been as hurt as anyone by this and I have been heartbroken to see this giant of a man (he's honest to God 6'6" tall) broken like this. Her Sister has honestly been my lifeline. She has talked with me and has always tried to be as open as she can with me. Yes, they knew about the cheating and that is why I got the runaround. No they did not support her decision to do this however they did not want to be involved other than be there for her. Second her therapist might be incompetent, I have no way to judge that. However in rereading what I typed I think I made it come out worse than it really was. She did not try and excuse what she did nor did she try and justify it, like I implied. After a few seconds of awkward silence that was only interrupted by my crying she said that "some women" do that. Also I did read where some people thought it was the therapist who recommended she do this and that couldn't be farther from the truth. My g/f told her in therapy what she had done and she is the one who convinced my g/f to tell me, they both agreed to do it there so she felt safe. I just wanted to clear those two things up because I did not do either of them any justice. My g/f is/was my best friend. I confided in her for everything. I have some work associates that I am friendly with but I am hundreds of miles from where I grew up and all of my friends are there and either are married or very career driven so I don't have what you would call a real support network. My sister has been there for me to a point but there is a real complication to that even. My g/f and my sister are best friends, in fact its how I met my g/f. So while my sister loves me and wants what's best for me she is also very sympathetic to her friend and doesn't want me to do anything to hurt either of us. She does not support her in the cheating but has tried to basically smooth that over. She does NOT know though that we (my g/f & myself) have not been together sexually since the rape. Honestly that is none of her business and I think she would be really disgusted with me if I let her think that this even had anything to do with it. My g/f has been blowing up my phone with text's since Sunday night. She is saying everything that I have wanted her to say since about a month after the rape. I've gotten more "I love you's" in the past day than I have in the past year. I've only responded twice to her. So she does know I'm reading them. That is making the next part very hard to do. I came to the decision last night/early this morning that for my own mental well being I can't do this anymore. Believe me when I say that I know what a failure it is and how horrible it makes me feel. So here is my plan. I know it is chicken shit on my part but I have typed a letter and I am going to send it to her therapist (along with a note to the therapist explaining what to do) for my g/f to read in her office. That way there is immediate support for her. I don't want her to be anymore abandoned than what I am going to be doing, that is heartbreaking to type btw. When she goes for her appointment Friday morning I will then send emails to her parents and a text to her Sister informing them of what is happening so that way they can be there for her when she gets out. Here is word for word the letter I have written her, the only thing that is different is that I am no using her or her therapist real names here. Please read it and let me know if I am out of line or if I am to cruel or if this will trigger any type of mental trauma related to her rape. I have zero intention of inflicting any more pain than what is normal with a breakup. Dear Sara, I know that this is not the best way of doing this but honestly if I had to look you in the eyes I know I could not go through with this. I have loved you since the first month we have been together and the first three years of our relationship were the best three years of my life. You were my everything and I know that we had both talked about marriage a lot and I know and believe with all of my heart that we were going to be married. Nothing would have made me any more happy or proud than to be called your husband. I don't know how to say this because every fiber of my being does not want to say this but for my own mental health going forward I have to let you go. Believe me when I say that decision did not come easily to me nor can I say that it is not heartbreaking on my end. I have always and still love you, but I can't be with you anymore. You need to heal and you need to be able to 100% focus on you while you are healing and having to worry about me and my feelings is only getting in the way of your healing. I will always hate the bastard who did this to you. He has ruined so many lives that life in prison seems a lot more appropriate than what he got. But I don't get to make that call. I know holding onto hate is not healthy but he has ruined my life as well as yours. I know you are going to hate me for this, I don't blame you at all. I know that you feel abandoned but please understand I have done everything in my power to be there for you. I wanted to be more involved in your healing but for whatever reason I was somewhat excluded from being a significant part of your inner circle. This has left me feeling very lonely and alienated from you and your family. I wanted nothing but the best for you and wanted to be there for you and I hope I was whenever you would let me.
@orange_viking2806Ай бұрын
FIRST UPDATE CONTINUED: I won't lie, you seeking comfort in the arms of another while still to this day denying me any affection has weighed very heavily on me. I did then and I do now forgive you but forgiving does not take away the soul crushing pain that comes along with that. I understand to a point why you might have done it, I don't agree with it and I never will, but I maybe see why. However that has nothing to do with the fact that we are one year and a month past your incident and you still treat me as though I did something wrong or will do something wrong to you. When you withdrew the other night from my attempt at a kiss I knew then that you were still in need of healing and I have no idea how long that will be. But I can't put my life on hold indefinitely, which is where we are still. I know it is very selfish of me but I need affection, I need both mental and physical intimacy. Our conversations have been both generic and bland for the past year, which believe me I can understand why. But we used to spend hours talking about our future and what we wanted. Now at best we talk about what movie's we want to watch. What I am doing is in no way because of what happened to you. That event was horrible and was life changing for you and I never ever had a second thought about you because of it. This is all about your recovery and how you have to heal. For whatever reason, reasons you may not even know yourself, you have completely distanced yourself from me. I've tried with all of my heart to get back to you but it is painfully apparent that I am no closer to you now than I was right after the incident. Also to be very clear so you do not think this is about anything else. The is no one else. I am not seeing anyone, I don't have eyes for anyone nor do I think anytime soon I will. I am not now nor have I ever cheated on you. I hope with all of my heart for you to be fully healed soon. I want you to be happy. I hope some day you can look back on our time together with fondness and find it in your heart to forgive me. I will always love you, this breaks my heart more than you will ever know. Love, Chad Thank you again to everybody. I know I type a boatload but it just feels good to get this out. I have to have it to her therapist by tomorrow. Now the question is do I have the fortitude to send it. tl;dr: I have written her a letter and need advice SECOND UPDATE I have learned several things recently. First thing is that I had no idea how many English teachers, lit majors and overall editors were actually redditors. LOL, I had so many posts just correcting my obvious and admitted horrible spelling and grammar that I began to have a complex. In all seriousness thank you for those of you who took the time to edit that for format, grammar and spelling. I even appreciate those of you who took the time to provide me with written documentations and reasons as to why my errors were errors. Second thing I've learned is that this is really a loving and caring community for the most part. I have been given numbers to call, emails to read and lists of things to read to help me on my journey. I deeply appreciate the very moving stories I have been told and believe it or not I have read every one of them even though at last count I was close to 2,500 messages. People have offered to buy me drinks, hang out and I even got one offer for a hand job to relieve my stress which was both flattering and amusing all at the same time. However the main thing that I have learned recently is to never sign your real name to an open public letter if you don't want it to somehow get back to the people in your life. It makes it a little hard to deny it was you when every single detail is the same and you use your own dumb ass name. Many people wanted and update about how things went. Simply put, it didn't. In review I had written the letter and then with the help of several redditors had re-written the letter with better format and I did edit out the part that the rapist ruined her because I agreed that this was not an appropriate thing to say. In fact I almost edited him out altogether other than saying I wish he had gotten a longer sentence. However I did leave in the part about being her husband. I know a lot of people wanted me to take that out but I just felt deeply that I had to say that, I can't really explain why. Of course my intention originally was to mail it to her therapist office with instructions for what to say, but I knew there was zero chance that she would get it in time so I was going to take it to her and see if I could speak with her. Notice how that was all in the past tense as in what I was going to do? Well I never got the chance. Wednesday night, late night in fact, I have a knock on my door. Lo and behold it is her sister and my sister together. Her sister was holding papers in her hands and my sister walks in and her sister walks in with her. Obviously something is up so I ask what's wrong and her sister hands me a print out of my posts and the replies to my previous two threads and she simply asks "is this you"? At first I tried to deny it, I couldn't really remember everything I had written in particular the first post so I was kind of trying to avoid any problems if I said something I shouldn't have. But my sister just straight up got in my face and told me to stop fucking lying, which by then I was caught. I knew and she new it. I just dropped my head. This then led to a very long conversation that lasted till the wee hours of the morning. At first her sister was very much emotional because of course she loves her sister and was crying asking me how I could want to do this to her. Much to my surprise though my sister stood up for me here and actually kind of ripped her sister a new asshole. She said that I had gone way beyond what most people had and that Sara should not one year later still be withholding affection from me. She had no idea that we still weren't physically as close as we once were, like I said I never told her.
@orange_viking2806Ай бұрын
FIRST UPDATE CONTINUED: Once my sister got done talking (I'm going to call her sister Susan just so I can stop typing her sister) Susan said that in reality she knew that she was right. She begged me to not go through with my letter, she said that I had promised to give Sara a week (which I had). She then gave a very impassioned speech about how much she can tell I still love her and how much she knows she still loves me. My sister also agreed that there was too much love present in my heart to just do this right away. She said and it made sense at the time, what is another week compared to what you have been through. So long story short I agreed to not take the letter over. Whether it was guilt, regret or love I can't say but I agreed to it. This then led the single most embarrassing thing in my life happening. Susan gave me a very big hug and cried as they were leaving. It's been a very long time since I've had any type of close contact and let's just say its not a lot of fun being called a disgusting pig by your sister. All I could do was say how very sorry and how embarrassed I was, fortunately Susan seemed to take it in stride. She just wanted to make sure that I would talk with Sara the next day. Even though I was a virtual zombie from lack of sleep I went ahead and went to work. I have lots of PTO time available to me but I didn't want to burn it all up over this in case I needed time later. I got home from work and my intention was to go straight to bed after eating dinner and maybe watching some tv. That went to hell in a hurry as I was eating my dinner when my someone is knocking on my door again. This time is was Susan and Sara. This time Sara is holding the printout. You can tell they both had been crying and Susan asked if they could come in. I just shook my head yes because I was honestly a little nervous and no matter what she has done or not done, seeing Sara emotional always upsets me and she physically looked horrible. I mean as bad as she did after the rape. They set on the couch and sara already has tears streaming down her face. We all kind of just sat there for what seemed like an eternity looking at each other. I wasn't going to speak first, I had no idea what to say or do so I just sat there. Eventually I broke though and asked Sara if she wanted some water or something to drink. She actually said yes so I got up and went to the kitchen to get her a glass of ice water and when I turned around she was standing right behind me. All she said to me was "are you really going to leave me"? I couldn't answer, I just looked into her eyes and felt broken and ashamed. We went and sat down but this time she sat next to me. She started to read my first post to me but could not make it through it. Susan jumps in at this point and says they had spent the day talking and they had gone over the post and most of the replies and said that Sara was very sorry for how she treated me. She said that they have spoken to their parents and everybody agrees that the way I was treated was not fair. Seeing it in writing really struck a nerve with all of them because they could see how hurt I was and that even though I could have blamed all of them that I didn't. Sara is shaking her head yes the entire time. Sara then managed to talk and just laid out how she obviously did not give me enough consideration and that she now see's that what she did was horrible to me when I have been nothing but compassionate and loving towards her. She begged me for another chance she said that sometimes in life you need a kick in the ass to get moving and she said me wanting to break up with her was her wakeup call. She can't and won't take me for granted and said she had a years worth of apologizing to do to me. Susan actually very calmly said that they had spoken at length in the afternoon about her infidelity and then not even touching me. Sara then replied that she had no real excuses. She knows that what she did was horrible and that she had no right to ask me for forgiveness but was going to anyway. She also said that she is making it the top priority of her life that she talk with her therapist to get past any physical limitations she has with me.
@orange_viking2806Ай бұрын
FIRST UPDATE CONTINUED: This went on for a long time btw. I could give you a lot more of what was said but this is already a wall of text as it is. The one thing though that I want to say is that while she was talking to me she was holding my hand. She reached out and took it. Now I realize that she read my posts and I made a big deal about that in my posts but whether she did it because she read it or just did it on her own (she used to do that all the time) I won't deny that it felt really good. They ended up staying the night. No, before you get any crazy porn movie ideas nothing happened between any of us. Susan slept on the futon and Sara on the couch and I actually went to my bed. I called in early Thursday morning to work before I went to bed as I knew that I would not be able to function on so little sleep. I get awoken around 10 by Sara sitting next to me in the bed rubbing her hands on my arm to wake me up. She said that they were getting ready to leave because she had moved up her therapy session to 11 and she didn't want to leave without her telling me how much she loved me and to let me know she was coming right back after the session. She leaned over and kissed me. It wasn't a long passionate kiss in fact it was just kind of a quick kiss but right on the lips. This was a mistake I'm sure because that broke my resolve right there. Up until that point I was still holding onto the thought that this was all just words and that it took me threatening to leave her to get her to even pay attention to me. One p.m. I got from a rape survivor kept going over in my head that if she was able to come around because of the threat of me leaving then this was not all due to her emotional trauma because if it was due to that then no threat of me leaving was going to change this. But between my sister, her sister and her every wall that I was building to protect myself was crumbling and that kiss pretty much was the wrecking ball that tore them all down. I went back to sleep and around 1 she shows back up at my place carrying lunch. Susan was not in tow so it was just going to be the two of us. We ended up spending the afternoon together. We ended up spending the weekend together. Yes you can infer from that what occurred between us. I'll just say that I was probably more scared about it than she was. I was worried about triggering anything or saying or doing anything that would upset her. She on the other hand was very loving and emotional about it. She cried afterwards for a good long while which caused me to freak but she said it was a combination of joy and regret. That she had forgotten how love felt and it just kind of overwhelmed her. We laid there for hours. She had the recommendation from her therapist for a couples counselor who we are going to start seeing next week. I know this isn't what a lot of people wanted to read and all I can say is that I'm sorry to disappoint you and yes I am prepared for the plethora of name calling from some people but at the end of the day I have to worry about myself and my happiness here. For the first time in over a year I have been happy for 4 days. I know that this isn't the end, that we are still going to have hurdles to overcome. I honestly believe that this was a wakeup call for her, if not then why go through all of the emotional drama and turmoil. Wouldn't she just let it go? Bottom line is I love her, I have always loved her and all I wanted was for her to show me she loved me as well. This past weekend was a really bonding experience for me and for her as well. I think we can build something new together. Thank you reddit, I felt the love from you guys as well. I am ultimately a very lucky man. tl;dr; Got caught with my reddit postings. My sister and her sister convinced me to not go through with the letter. Her sister and her came over and she said things that she needed to say and let me say what I needed to say. We spent 3 straight days together and it was heaven. We are going to couples counseling. I'm happy with the end result.
@orange_viking2806Ай бұрын
Nta. Chad seems like one of the best boyfriends anyone could ever have. And poor Sarah, it must've been so hard for her, but to have intimacy with a coworker you met at a new job and feeling more safer doing it than even kissing your boyfriend of 3 years is pretty messed up
@-anya-3117Ай бұрын
Some comments say she didn't cheat but was groped by co worker, therapist was the one that said she went with coworkers, so was losing OP making her change her story. I think she kept OP at a distance because he wasn't there to stop the rapist, so she blamed him. Wonder if the co worker dumped her so that's why she went back to OP. Hope he gets therapy and keeps a close eye on gf as I believe she is still traumatised and will cheat again
@gcarr1089Ай бұрын
she’s been with her boyfriend for years and still felt more comfortable doing the deed with some coworker than just giving her boyfriend a kiss or even holding hands?? what the hell was her therapist on saying that isn’t cheating???
@takeez._Ай бұрын
i dont blame him, he has been feeling lonely for over a year and loneliness takes a lot out of your mental and physical health. if she was my sister i wouldnt forgive her even a little for going with the co-worker, even if it meant having to go against my entire family and making everyone who knows me hate me because i have an idea of how much it hurts.
@fungames755Ай бұрын
you are a absolute saint and the compassion you have despite the pain you felt is so admirable, i cried at the end. i felt your pain along with hers as a victim of the same stuff, but 100% is wrong for treating you like a villain. i hope you both recover fully ❤😢
@bunny-dl2rwАй бұрын
I personally really hope they come back together (as friends) and talk about everything over some coffee. after she has 90% healed. (obviously 10% is not really achievable. as it stands) and they talk it out. talk about everything. tie up loose ends. of course this probubbly won't happen but yeah
@ThatCatByTheStreet-ln2yc5we7dАй бұрын
@@ThatCatByTheStreet-ln2yc5we7d there’s a longer version of this story and it’s so much sweeter than you belive, long story short she never cheated and was molested and some man hating woman told the girls parents to tell her boyfriend not to be to close with her and so it was a bunch of miscommunication on both sides
@bunny-dl2rwАй бұрын
@@ThatCatByTheStreet-ln2yc5we7d obviously that wasn’t the sweet part, i recommended you watch it bc i think it’s better if you just hear it word for word
@bunny-dl2rwАй бұрын
@@bunny-dl2rw reading it right now...
@ThatCatByTheStreet-ln2yc5we7dАй бұрын
@@ThatCatByTheStreet-ln2yc5we7d how was it
@bunny-dl2rwАй бұрын
She’s acting like she got shot or lost loved ones 😕
@NoalynWalker-ep9tbАй бұрын
the man has full right to care about his own mental well being.
@iamsyedabdullah678726 күн бұрын
Fucks no if a girl can’t even touch u after almost a year and don’t wanna talk to but can do the devils tango with another man after a few days that’s honestly insane I would have broke up with her on the first month ?????
@camcam2752Ай бұрын
Listen man and this is so important for you to understand. Someone who can edit you out of their life for months on end and try to return is someone who simply does not have the capacity to pair bond. You can leave her now, or SHE will leave you later. There are no other outcomes. You're not married, this is too much to deal with I'm tellin you. Get out while you can. You did nothing wrong, even if you give her the benefit of the doubt and say she didn't do anything wrong, life happened and sometimes it sucks. Things will never, ever be the same, that's just the way it is.
@joshuasanders430226 күн бұрын
golden heart, through and through.
@_ramarАй бұрын
That therapist was absolute shit if they had the audacity to say that it wasn’t cheating!
@odonnell121825 күн бұрын
Anyone else kinda just stay on these to watch the background stuff
@GeolightTheFox24 күн бұрын
Most realistic reddit story
@DuolingoBirdzАй бұрын
being taken advantage of does not cause normal people to cheat, she didnt deserve to be forcefully taken advantage of but she is also a problem 🤷♂️
@sureok278216 күн бұрын
Ok holy crap. Bro. You did the right thing. It sounds like the horrific incident she faced triggered something in her that fundamentally changed who she was as a person. This wasn’t the same girl you were with for 3 years, and even though it hurts and isn’t her fault, you are still entitled to your own happiness. Notice she put you on the back burner for over a year because it was what was right for her. She even slept with someone else behind your back because she thought that was what was right for her. You doing this is not much different, aside from the fact that you had the decency to inform her that you were leaving instead of just seeking your much deserved intimacy from somewhere else. You’re gonna make the right girl super happy someday man. Take your time to heal!
@davidparker5494Ай бұрын
Cheating is cheating, be it emotional or physical so NTA. And using SA as a reason the cheat is shyty- this is coming from a SA victim, it would be BETTER to try physical intimacy with her boyfriend and not someone else. Shes basically treating the partner as her assulter, which is her fault not theirs. The letter honestly was for the best for both sides, she needs to heal before she can move on. He needs to move on to someone whos ready to commit. 1+ years is more then patient, and the fact OP kept up with her family that long, of course there will be long term issues. But her cheating right away and seeing someone else was NOT the way to go.
@dreamiecoyoteАй бұрын
She probably sees him as a memory of what used to be which hurts her. This is NOT him fault honestly a break up is probably what she needed. She’s remembered of who she was before the assault and so she probably remembers the assault every time she’s with you. You did exactly what you both needed.
@Alex_plays_roblox_horrorsАй бұрын
Ive read all the updates. Holy mother of god, yhat gurl went through it. And so did he! Hoping they each find the happiness they deserve.
@Silvr-mg1hwАй бұрын
Respect to this brother for putting up with this as long as he did the man is a true soldier.
@rohanknight982Ай бұрын
this is, at heart. a very nuianced situation. on one hand. we have the GF's prospective. she was r-ed and is dealing with the trauma. and wanted to regain control so was intamint with some coworker. but was still healing deeply do to it. on the other hand. you have OP. who saw that his GF was R-ed. then the GF did not talk to him. then out of the blue with told that she cheated. than spoke to him like a practical aquatence. honestly, to give my opion. no one should ever feel obligated to stay with somone in a relation ship. now this situation would look a whole lot different if OP left her after 2 weeks of no contact. but that was not the case. it was way over a year with little contact and grey conversations. obviously it makes sense that the GF is like this. she was traumatized in the worst way. but anyways. she underwent somthing very difficult. but. I feel it is ok if OP also establishes over time he is still here for her in the same way he was. still there to talk to when needed. but as it stands. I don't think OP should be obligated to a relationship that has (at this point) basically devolved into a basic Friendship with little substance. he is ok to do that. TO BE CLEAR!!! I do not think the GF did anything wrong. obviously exluding the cheating, (which is still cheating. even if it has a reason that is not just lust) but as it stands. it is clear to most people that at this point. this relationship is never going to work in the long term. and OP diserves to feel open to get with somone eles. when he is mentally able to. that is my 2 cents
@ThatCatByTheStreet-ln2yc5we7dАй бұрын
Agreed
@josesamson6834Ай бұрын
The gf did do something wrong tho???
@SolarDemon-pc6rmАй бұрын
I guess from listening to him and the story I feel as though for the whole year she didn’t have a single good think of what he would be feeling from all of this. At first it makes sense that she’s distant but she didn’t really try to close that distance for the whole year after the rape, I feel as though she lost a part of herself that loved him which led to her not being able to close the distance and really think about him.
@ajpayj1116Ай бұрын
You handled things great! You did your best and should be proud of yourself for being as kind and patient as you were! You’re a great guy!
@redonkulousservicesАй бұрын
"Sometimes you have to take responsibility for your own happiness" -Mr.Cuddlywhiskers from Bojack Horseman
@dannybrezelhorner271523 күн бұрын
As a victim of sa I actually cant believe im seeing some of yall say "what if shes lying about her sa" to the women in the story. Is this how yall think?? Like what tf is wrong with yall?? I feel bad for the boyfriend but I also feel bad for the girlfriend and just hearing yall say that shit about her is honestly upsetting
@taestatamic797Ай бұрын
The story is incomplete, theres more
@wriotheslayyy11120 күн бұрын
where can u find the rest?
@weadvreyou81578 күн бұрын
this man is such a calm and understanding as well as kind
@bommy_tha_mommyАй бұрын
you have absolutely all the roght to leave her, and dont feel bad 'bout it either. equal rights equal fights.
nta, sometimes survivors of rope have intimacy to feel powerful again. but doing it with a coworker instead of your boyfriend of 3 years is just plain cheating.
She was actually saed by the co-worker but called it cheating because in the moment she was too traumatized to say no and put a stop to it. She felt guilty because she froze and "let it happen"
@@qiralyncassetteIt really sucks that they didn't include the final two updates. The girlfriend did nothing wrong and now there's a whole comment section on the internet demonizing her
@@johnlaplant2429 it does 😔 poor gf...
@@johnlaplant2429 I mean, after being assaulted like she did, the most reasonable thing would be to not meet with any other man alone cause she should be traumatized and to end up having intimacy with a co worker it had to be in private not while working, so she could and should have said no when he asked to be alone with her or to go somewhere alone and that way he could not have taken advantage. I dont know if I made myself clear but I think she is totally the one to blame. She almost didnt meet with her boyfriend, hold hands with him nor speak with him but accepted to go alone with a guy that she barely knows from work after having such an experience like being assaulted? I dont get it and I think it was completely her fault and cant be excused for the trauma. Edit: Before you say anything about that she froze and everything. She froze and couldnt say no when he started the intimacy but what I'm saying she could just say no to meeting so she doesnt have to go through anything like that.
@@z3r0d34thso your first thought is that a rapist would just ask nicely to meet in private and the victim could just say no? A rapist can take any opportunity to take advantage of someone, be that working late, excusing it as a work meeting, or even forcibly taking her to a closed space. Why do you assume she had an opportunity to say no beforehand?
Guy is a saint. Not his fault or anyone else's. Sometimes, life just hurt.
I think its clear as day whos fault it is
Oh he is. Spoiler alert, but in the update they stay together.
@@greedyturtle5025it the grapers fault
@@casebouchard2478Not about the cheating.
@@Henry_The_Goat he made her messed up in the head
As a r*pe victim this is disgusting. She’s abusing YOU. She know that you are a safe place and always there for her. She’s clearly comfortable with some sort of contact, if she’s able to have intimate relations. The fact she’s trying to use HER TRAUMA AS AN EXCUSE TO CAUSE YOU TRUAMA IS UNACCEPTABLE. YOUR TRUAMA DOESN’T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT CAUSE SOMEONE ELSE TRUAMA. Breaking someone’s trust and loyalty is trauma inducing.
Sorry that happened but same here I was in second grade hope your better
@@Max_Onpawzz-fw2njI hope your better
I hope you guys are okay ❤
some other guy said this and i agree. chrating is cheating and the fact that she just used him for nothing and found a guy she worked with is absured. i get it having that happens bad and gives you an absured amount of trauma but dont let people in your life out. youve had so many oppertunities to be with him and chose someone else
I hope you guys are ok, and yeah. Cheating is cheating.
Not ganna lie terapist and family should of had him in the sessions and included him more in the talks almost instantly. The terapist legit ruined their relationship with their incompatance.
I totally agree.
If you read the follow up update, . . . . . . you'll learn the therapist worked with what was provided to her too. Details were omitted and she was not given the full story It wasn't her fault, but a sexist asshole that catalyze the sourness of their relationship.
SHE ruined their relationship
I too was thinking the problem laid with the damn terapist...
Actually there’s more to this story. This whole mess was actually started by the initial r@pe councilor when she first got to the hospital after the SA. It was this councilor that instructed her family to keep the OP isolated from his gf. The therapist also made errors which compounded the problem. I don’t think the therapist was necessarily incompetent. It seems more like she was inexperienced. The therapist in question eventually recommended that the couple see a new therapist. Perhaps she recognized she wasn’t experienced enough to help them? BTW: OP’s Reddit post were discovered by his and her sisters. This lead to several revealing breakthroughs.
No no, cheating is cheating. It's an unfortunate situation overall but that doesn't justify cheating
Right
I don‘t think you guys are taking into account how much grape can fuck a person up.
Of course I still understand why op is hurt by this, what she did was not right, but it’s not entirely her fault either
The “cheating” was actually closer to assault once GF revealed details to OP. Don’t remember specifics or if any were given. Super fucked up.
@@dustinjohnson6278 yeah, you don't get out and cheat after it... I've literally never seen that...
Honestly, I think he handled the situation better than I would have. He stuck by her and continued to reach out to her even after she willingly had sex with a man that wasn't him, whilst denying him any of her time or even a hand hold. I would have ended it right there and then, because to me, cheating is cheating, even in the face of rape.
It should be cheating is literally break up then and there
No matter the situation
@@kavieshautar6453 I don't think is is her fault neither OP She never said yeah I lover doing it with an co worker, she was sorry and tried her best to continue her life, same thing to OP he tried his best.
@@mcc12cunha22oh no a cheater is sorry boo hoo. She was assaulted and that is awful i genuinely feel for her in that regard but that doesnt give her an excuse to cheat if she wanted to gain back that control over her sexuality she should have done it with her boyfriend of 3!!! Years not a coworker. She gave her boyfriend the slip for months and then cheated on him willingly now she has to deal with the consequences. Tough luck
@@RealPredators13so true man, so true
it’s absurd to bang a coworker rather than be with the person with whom you’ve crafted a deep and trusting relationship for years… trauma is a helluva thing man
No its not absurd : its retaking control of your sex life. What is absurd is to deny it to the person you should love and trust at the same time. But humans are by nature irrationals and it's very hard not to be.
There's a lot of extra info on Reddit about this story. Basically, there were a lot of crossed signals that the GF interpreted as the BF losing desire for her after the attack. Doesn't excuse the cheating, but might explain it some. And yes, processing trauma can lead some people to make incredibly stupid decisions that they don't fully think through. In the Reddit updates, GF found out about the letter and posts before he actually broke up with her, and last update they were still together and on the road to working it out.
"Trauma" everything just blames on trauma but at the end of the day in my country people go through close ones horrible deaths and there is no repercussion on the family, friends or anyone. This type of stuff only happens in societies where there is no family support and love, the therapist actively made things worse rather than prioritizing the most basic thing of having the people youre closest to around. This whole reddit story is stupid, the guy is an idiot and shouldve left her if there was no progress within three months.
@@screamskilos3951 I guess siblings and parents aren't family, now.
@@screamskilos3951 yeah i agree with the latter half of what you said, but trauma is a very real and debilitating thing, the stigma around mental health in todays society is just “get over it” tldr; trauma is real and you should recognize it, unlike this reddit story which is horribly fake and stupid
Nta. Even if r*ped people have intimacy to feel powerful again, it doesn't justify doing it with a random coworker instead of her boyfriend of 3+ years, while not even letting him kiss her after 1.5 years. He isn't a bad guy for leaving her.
as a victim of rape I can say that you are not doing any thin wrong for leaving her, though you weren't hurt in the same way you were still hurt greatly by this, you have every right to leave her ( I just read all my replies and you guys had me laughing so hard, it's fine to have your own opinions so there's no need to argue about it)
I agree
Womp
this isbt f*cking funny its a serious matter grow up@@Deez52
@@Deez52fuck you mean womp?
It's obvious that she's fallen out of love with him and is only doing this out of fear of being alone. Whether or not she realizes that is the case is a whole other story.
This is a huge HUGE mess! Her trauma is that, hers. Because of how badly she had taken it (no way is a good way, just there are easier methods avalible) he is also suffering. She cheated on him and, in a way, blaming him for her trauma. He has been NOTHING but a patient man for her. His patience gets him cheated on, as well as punished for nothing! He isn't the asshole. Rape affects more than the victim of the crime. This is proof of that.
Mine only affected me since no one believed me that it happened but soon they will because damage received that night left a tumor and probably within 5 years will take me. Doctors would figure out how I died and they'll realize I never lied about it. I had to go through it and recover on my own without anyone. Since then it seems like my life flashes before my eyes.😔
@@spade9321 I am sorry you went through such a hard experience.
Hey. Just know that even if they might not believe you, there are other who share stories similar who understand what you're saying. It's ridiculous how many times people get away with using their trauma when others are denied that it even happened.. we might be strangers but just know some of us know how bad it can feel when we see this. 💙
@@spade9321womp womp
@@spade9321I am sorry only advice I can give you is to repent your sins and forgive them not for them but for your soul I know it will sound hipocritical coming from me but I dont want you to go to hell you have suffered enough here May God Help you and guide you☦️☦️☦️
Sobbing at his letter. He’s an amazing man and incredibly patient and in the end did the best thing possible for both him and her
Dang he should of left her as soon as she cheated
Ik i would id have left wayy before
@@kongabe2278 i can understand why would you leave after that person cheated on you but in this story there wasn't any other valid reason for why he would leave her tbh Like yeah he could have but then it would be him just being unsupportive while if you left her just like that. Would it be a bad thing? No. But it wouldn't be a good thing either Props to the man who stayed allthough was cheated on, ignored, ghosted, exluded and still had in mind the best for her, now cutting her off completly.
That man is more than just a 10. He is so patient. Wow. That brought me to tears. That is so heavy. I feel so deeply for this man. I just want to give him the biggest hug.
I think he’s pretty pathetic for putting up with that.
This is not the full story the full story is: he drops the letter to the her Therapist,couple days later her therapist calls him to have a Session with her and his girlfriend. The therapist says something about her cheating being to get control of her life back( or something like that??) Then op bursts out crying and girlfriend crys too, they leave few weeks later he gets a call from girlfriends sister telling him that they saw his post (on reddit) him and girlfriends sister and( I think) girlfriend's friend go to his house and talk to him, then they talk and (I think) plan for op's girlfriend to come over. Couple days later op's girlfriend comes over and talks to him and she ended up tell op what Actually happened, well turns out girlfriend didn't cheat but a coworker ended up assaulting her. Well they cry and kiss and cuddle and stuff and they get back together (also they find out girlfriends parents was trying to keep them apart from the Advice of the er nurse)😊
@@zsnako5466 pathetic for wanting to care about his gf? sounds like your the pathetic one here pal
Thank you paragraph guy 🙏
@@zsnako5466If being there for your girlfriend is pathetic then you need to rethink about things better
Summary: she completely withdrew from him, told him she cheated on him with her co-worker after being horribly averse to even touching him, and he broke up with her after a year of complete neglect towards him
There's a part missing from the end, if this is the same story I'm aware of. Her sister finds his posts and confronts him, they talk about it, and I think the next day she tells his gf about it and they reconcile. He doesn't end up leaving her, but this served as the kick in the ass she needed to really make strides in her recovery rather than wallowing in it. And the cheating incident wasn't what it seemed. A coworker molested her and she internalized the incident as being her fault for not stopping it because she was too terrified to do anything. Last I heard, they were on the road to being happier together.
@@perrycarters3113 you know this is a made up story right?
@@mikep9690 Me: Hey, your summary of this story is incomplete, here's the summary of the missing part. You: YoU kNoW iT's FaKe, RiGhT? Buddy, at no point did I give an in-depth analysis on the mindsets of the people involved or my opinion on who should have done or should do what. I provided a summary of the story as I last understood it, at no point proclaiming it to be some beautiful or tragic tale or anything of the kind. Why are you going out of your way to try to be rude to people who are commenting on a damn YT video lmfao I'll bet you're the same kinda person who tells people "You know the MCU is just movies, right?"
@@perrycarters3113 it's a serious subject so if you write a story don't try to put it out as real
@@mikep9690What does that have to do with the person updating us? They only added that there were updates you didn’t see If it were real, the woman would be receiving all this crap for cheating when that’s not what happened, two even if it’s fake only having a part of the story paints a bad picture of women That said many story’s have bad portrayals of men and women but that doesn’t void people from critiquing it There’s a difference between writing villains vs having themes that convey broad groups in this case a large part of the population as a monolith in a negative light particularly when it lacks nuance or is misleading and or largely inaccurate and harmful
As a victim of R I understand the trauma. She was lucky to have a kind loving understanding boyfriend. She really just threw that relationship away and everyone close to her supported her with that. Unlike her my boyfriend broke up with me when I told him. He said it wasn’t my fault but he couldn’t be with me. I wish I had support for me back then.
NTA. Trauma is never an excuse to hurt other people.
It can be a reason but never an excuse
If anyone reads this, there is an update. This part it's just a fraction of the whole thing. In total it's a little over 30 minutes long and I've seen it and it's heartbreaking. If you want to find it, go on KZhead and type "I Want To break up with my Girlfriend of 3 years because she was raped and I was excluded from Her Recovery". I must warn you though, I can't go through this video without crying my eyes out.
Thanks!
Cheers
I can't find it
@@inyagirlsdms7770kzhead.info/sun/l9aieddtbZmrZY0/bejne.html
Give us a link even though they dont work
To sum up and for those wondering. 1 year and a half later she wouldn’t even let him hold her hand, and when he tried to kiss her she backed away from him like he was the plague, but was comfortable enough to cheat on him 1-2 months after the incident with her coworker. . When he decided he’d had enough and wanted out of the relationship (if u can even call it that) she finally decided that she actually loved him.
Im pretty sure she actually just got saed by her coworker and just went along with it bc of her trauma (someone else said that so dont blame me if im wrong)
@@Imjadelol there’s nothing in the story that would hint to this, and even if, I’d still call bs. She couldn’t say no to a guy she just met because of her trauma, but was somehow able to say no to a kiss from her bf? No to holding hands? No to a simple freaking conversation? Yeah right… . Also when a person starts to withdraw due to trauma they tend to stay AWAY from work, not look for a job and cheat on their partner…
@@jixie1110she was sexually assaulted. There is a full story available and what happened is that she was grabbed by an employee by her thigh and forced to kiss him.
kzhead.info/sun/l9aieddtbZmrZY0/bejne.html there is the full story if you're wondering. Its heart breaking, really
@@TheRealHerbaSchmurba right… no . I heard the full story. None of what you said happened. She just slept with her coworker and OP was supposed to just be “okay with it”. . Stop making up imaginary scenarios to excuse a vile act…
For anyone wondering, the story does continue, having a sort of happy ending and a few clear ups. (before you read: to anyone not aware, op means original poster, so when I say op, Im referring to the main guy in the story) *Cheating Explained* - Firstly, the girl actually did not cheat, but was molested by her coworker (and there was no condom used because they didnt actually sleep with each other, the coworker mainly inappropriately touched her). The reason why its described as cheating for a big part of the story is because, when the gf told her therapist about the incident, she felt really bad about it and felt like she couldve done more to stop it, leading to her insisting that it was basically cheating and thats why the therapist ended up telling op it as cheating. *No Communication Explained* - Secondly, the reason she ghosted him so hard and never really talked to op or saw op was because, when she was in hospital after the incident, there was an "anti rape advocate" who spoke to gf and her family and instructed them to not let the gf see op or really have any interactions with him (op later describes the advocate to be a man hating woman based off what the gf and her family said). It turns out that the entire time, the gf actually really did want to talk to op normally and continue the relationship but because of the advocates advice, she and her family were forced to keep their interactions to a minimum. (and if youre wondering, the advocate was an actual worker at the hospital so thats why gf and her family actually listened to her from what I remember) *What happened after* - Thirdly, everyone in the situation actually finds out about the reddit posts and ends up feeling sorry for op because no one knew how he felt nor about the way he was being treated, which, leads to ops sister (who actually turns out to be one of the gfs best friends) and the gfs sister confronting op, but it ends up with tldr; neither of them really being mad, ops sister defending op, and gfs sister telling bf the truth about how they were told to keep distance. Later on, gfs sister and gf see op, gfs sister leaves and gf chooses to stay with op, leading to both of them spending a couple days together and op finds out that he really is happy with gf and from what everyone knows, they continue the relationship. (gf does also apologise a bunch of times for how she made him feel and tells him about how she still does love him). *Where to find full post* - This comment is mainly meant to kind of clear up some of the misconceptions within the video due to it not being the finished version, but if you have the time definetly look it up and read the actual post as it describes things a lot better than my summary (note though, its still very sad and you might cry reading the whole thing). The original post was locked in its original sub but someone reposted it in a dif sub, which, you can find it by searching the title of this video + reddit in google (just checked, the sub that its now in is r/BestOfRedditorUpdates and a quick note, before you read the final update, check the comments of the sub because the final update in the post isnt complete and the first half is in the comments). edit - I labelled each section so everyone can find the parts they want more clarification on
Please tell the id where it is posted
@@SayaniDas-sg7jt I think it’s like rEZNjy6W05 in the sub I mentioned
I love you for this
No they didn't care how he felt
:D
Damn, she went balls deep on playing the victim and was clearly enjoying it. Probably the most attention she has gotten since being a child.
Not to offend anyone but if that happened to you can't use it as a excuse to cheat I mean i get that's it a of the " recovering process " but cutting off the only person you've been dating for 1 year+ it can hurt someone deeply
In future updates it's revealed she was sa'ed but convinced herself her boyfriend would still consider it cheating so didn't tell the full story. There was no actual intimacy, she was forcefully grabbed and fingered.
@@johnlaplant2429so she was sa’ed twice?
Who would believe her at that point?@@johnlaplant2429
H0w dARE u T0 QuEsTi0N HeR EmP0weRMenT? 5HaMe on U!
And if she did wanna have sex with someone to recover, why not her bf? That's what I'm trying to figure out 😭😭
If I were in then OP's shoes I would have dumped her when they told me she cheating on me. She doesn't want to make love with someone who actually cares about her and knows her well, but she makes love with a random coworker.
I bet that coworker used her as well, sounds like it was not one time thing, also there is a full story I haven't watched it
@@moco8721 This is a really hard topic, because I've never been graped and I don't know how effect me, so what I say is might be rude and not true but... If you basically get graped by a coworker, tell the police. If the guy used her that's kinda her fault too, because cheating requires TWO people. Cheating is not a mistake, it's a choice. If she really wanted to stay with the OP, she should have said no to the coworker,but she did not said that
@@moco8721 no she was used, read the full story, the coworker SAed her
Coworker SAed her. She froze up, but luckily another coworker came in before anything escalated. It was probably hard to say no, or fight back after previously being r-worded
@@austin17721 Knowing the full story kind changed my opinion
She didn’t take back her sexuality. She got interested in a hook up. There was no emotional baggage so it was physical raw lust. She’s a cheater and logically it would be your partner whose loved and supported you whom you’d wish to reestablish intimacy with. OP shouldn’t get back with her. If she cheated in a supposed broken state, what’s to say when she’s better she won’t do it again as she was going to be forgiven the first time. “I’m taking back my sexuality to be open for you OP” is such a horse shit excuse. By that logic all cheaters simply let off steam and needed to cheat in order to realize their partner is worth it while they cheat”
NTA - girlfriend never actually loved you either unfortunately, traumatic things bring people closer to those they hold dear the fact she pushed you away shows she didn’t love you the way you loved her. That’s not saying she’s a bad person what happened to her was awful but the guy is in prison you got more justice than the majority of people in the situation and you have someone who tries their hardest for you and you treat them like they’re just there for your convenience. No trauma excuses her behaviour you can’t treat people you claim to love like that and think you deserve sympathy. If any of you ever find yourself with someone who makes you feel less than how you see yourself, end it there and then you can’t surround yourself with people that don’t match your vision of your future. This man has every man’s respect for sticking by her even after treating him the way she did. However, you can’t stay with someone out of pity especially if the relationship or you’re contact with them won’t be the same. It’s not victim blaming to not want to put yourself through being with someone who can’t ever love you like you love them. Keep your heads up everyone and don’t forget to keep looking forward trauma can only hurt you after the fact of you let it cause it’s not still happening. You need to find something or someone who makes the pain easier and show them that they make your life so much better. Moral of the story: Don’t ruin someone else’s life because you’ve had traumas
Yeah horrible thing happened, but kind of an incredibly d*ck move on everyone's parts to keep him out of the loop and alienate him. Two wrongs don't make a right no matter how shitty the circumstances.
Exactly what Im saying! They treated him like an outsider but he has been her support for 3 years. What kind of shit is that?
IDK how to feel about this. I don't have any hatred toward either of them though and feel so bad for both of them.
its not that some of us hate her, its just disappointing that she only tried to involve him more into her life when she realized that he was slowly becoming distant from her. some would mistake disappointment with hatred when in the heat of the moment and would only look at it from that perspective. you could tell he didnt hate her from the simple fact that he wasnt blaming her for all that had happened
@@fungames755nah I dislike her for manipulating a cheating event as a healing process and supposedly couldn’t even help her own lie. She took back her sexuality but can’t be intimate with OP months after it? Also tells him in the office to be gaslit to being ok with it. She cheated plain and simple. She’s physically not interested in OP but enjoys someone taking a caring interest in her. This isn’t from her trauma also, this is isolated in providing she’s scummy.
Bro I try my best to understand but if you got a boyfriend who is understanding enough to set his own boundaries and time for a girl and than he finds out that she had relationship with a CO worker who she did not know for more than 3 years well brother I would hate that girl for all my heart and I don’t care cheating is cheating and not even talking to him is just plain bull
Good now switch the genders
She's so traumatized, but she has NO right to traumatize her boyfriend of 3 YEARS like that! Cheating is the utmost disrespect and that girl thing deserves every bit of misfortune that comes with the breakup. She didn't deserve to be roped, but she also had no right to do what she did. She deserves to be alone for the rest of her life.
Shes acting like an idiot
no she doesn't wtf, no one does
This isn't the full story. She didn't cheat. She froze up when a coworker violated her with his fingers.
@@JustSomeGuywithEpicGrasseswhere did you hear this?
@@Fodkdj the update posts. The guy was very clear about all of it. She blamed herself for it, because she was too scared to do anything about it and didn't say no.
Honestly, she probably shouldn’t be in a relationship at this point. She just isn’t mentally or emotionally in a place for it. He made a good call for the both of them.
Can we get a second update on this issue. Just curious what the outcome is with this situation.
Full story +30mins kzhead.info/sun/l9aieddtbZmrZY0/bejne.htmlsi=2OR6j8JOB1rGWC7s
Someone posted a tldr version in the comments
From another comment “If anyone reads this, there is an update. This part it's just a fraction of the whole thing. In total it's a little over 30 minutes long and I've seen it and it's heartbreaking. If you want to find it, go on KZhead and type "I Want To break up with my Girlfriend of 3 years because she was raped and I was excluded from Her Recovery".
@@TheRealHerbaSchmurba i kinda think the guy was stupid in this story cause i think he forgave her and got back with her when she cheated on him wich is a dumbass move ngl
@@Coolsteev He spent 3 years of a happy relationship with her I dont think thats something any one can easily forget or cut off their love ones in just a single day.
i started crying at the letter💀
who would cry over that lmao🤣(I cried so much that I became dehydrated)
Tears are rolling down my face rn oh my god
If she’s not prepared to make him part of her healing, he needs to move on. I say this as a victim of a serial rpst. I hope he’s walked away and moved on. Her parents and therapist are holding her back on her healing.
Some therapist need to stop allowing toxic behavior just because someone is hurt doesn’t mean they should hurt others her therapist needs to lose her job 💯
I don't care how f*cking broken you are. She still cheated on him. She didn't even acknowledge him. She had so many chances to seek comfort with him. She even has the balls to tell him straight to HIS face that her cheating is OKAY and that she won't do it again. But let's be honest here, we ALL know she will cheat again. Hell I'm willing to bet my life on that. If shes that depressed then she should talk to him, family, friends, not s*x with her co-worker.
2 updates after this talked about how the girl didn't cheat, she was SA'ed by her co worker and her guilt of her not fighting back at that moment made her think that she cheated on him. Also there was a lot of misunderstanding cuz family, therapist as well as friends gave sht advice to both of them making them both think that the other doesn't love them as much as they used to.
@@JeiiSuuhey can you link the original post
@@Tacotruckmanyou can’t it got taken down you gotta find a post that links a post that links a post
@@SirbleGurble k thanks tho
@@JeiiSuuYeah but was she really SAd or did she just claim that to not loose him?
This person gave his heart and didn't receive one back
I think (in my opion) at least a little acknolegment would have gone a long way. just to let him know she sees him.
NTA, she’s not ready for a kiss but ready to have intimacy with a coworker?? Bs! The therapist that said it wasn’t cheating but it really was. She had intimacy with a coworker instead of a boyfriend of 3 years
I get all the trauma part and needing time to recover. But seeking comfort in another man instead of your boyfriend of a 3 years relationship is just cheating. I know I might get for this but that man tried way to many times, I think what is has done is correct. Most guys would just leave her like nothing but yet he still stayed and tried to help.
nah fam it was her fault when she screwed that coworker u should have checked out at that moment there is no way to smooth that over
She didn’t she was actually roped by the co worker but just called it cheating
@@superpow3755 what the coworker happened after
@@jonathanblanchard1100 if you go, reddit it and read the story, it actually shows you that she was actually roped by the coworker but , just called it cheating
Surely, and then kept working with him as if nothing happened.
All the morons pretending the first encounter wasn't her fault are amusing. She just keeps getting caught cheating and retroactively withdrawing consent.
Honestly? When I heard the full story it made alot more sense why. While yes rope will fully traumatize someone it doesn't excuse cheating. Even if you wanted to feel power again you have a boyfriend of 3 years. Not some coworker.
My heart goes out to her but the way they treated him after this was not fair. He is supposed to be her anchor and a form of support and the entire family put him on the backseat like he didnt matter. They constantly ordered him around and gave him timetables like an employee for when he could talk to her and they kept on leaving him in the dark and ghosting him. She is going through alot, I get that, but it wasnt fair the way they were treating him. All they had to do was let him in.
I read this story. In the end, when he tried to break up, she blamed her family to block his contact after the r****, because a woman in the hospital told to do so. Then she said that she did not cheat, the guy in the job kissed her and she frooze. So, he believes and forgives her.
Later in the story he specifies that she had "unprotected intimacy" with the coworker, so he has been told that somewhere. And she wants him to believe... that to hide this coworker kissing her...that she decided to lie and say she slept with this dude unprotected? What mental gymnastics are happening here this poor guy still needs to leave. Sad situation all round but no one is doing any real healing staying in this situation.
Dawg why are you spreading misinformation, that did not happen lol
@@ArianeM-gk2vp kzhead.info/sun/l9aieddtbZmrZY0/bejne.htmlsi=_HFCQolQRumy97Pt the complete story
Do you have a link to the original?
The complete story: kzhead.info/sun/l9aieddtbZmrZY0/bejne.htmlsi=sOi-mZB5hu1cBuPG
I understand that some r*pe victims sometimes have intimacy to feel strong again. However, doing it with some random coworker, unprotected no less, despite having a long time boyfriend who has done nothing but be worried and concerned for your health and safety, is not excusable. Being a victim from someone completely unrelated is not an excuse to cheat. There's never an excuse to cheat. I honestly don't even see the logic in the gf's mind. Wouldn't she have felt safer and powerful again doing it with someone who actually loves her, instead of some random guy?
He is literally the perfect boyfriend, he has been supportive all the way. He’s barely been told anything and has been waiting for her for a over a year, only to be told that she’s been sleeping with someone else
I get what you mean, I love how my girlfriend lets me rawdog strangers because of my past traumas. She's a supportive little angel considerate of my issues.
@@coldeed best gf ever fr, shes so supportive 🙏🙏
Goes to watch shorts.. ends up watching 15 min sometimes 30 min videos just to hear the rest lol
Facts 🤣
He's being more supportive than i would ever do. At the point when she tells me that, i would just get out of the therapist office and end our relationship
this poor guy, I mean cheating is cheating you can't justify that. Yeah, I feel bad for her getting r@ped but still you can't cheat and use that as an excuse. if she wanted to have s@x she could have done it with her boyfriend but honestly, I'm on this guy's side no matter what name you give it, it is still cheating.
Agreed
That whole damn story was sad.... that letter nearly made me cry.... I really wonder what happened after
I'm not a therapist, so I can't say with certainty that this is what would be standard or even if that is actually a reasonable thing to suggest someone to do, but just based on the results of the advice, I feel like this therapist was the 2nd worst thing to happen to their relationship. NTA OP. Edit: I JUST LISTENED TO THE UPDATE AFTER THIS VIDEOS ENDS. It wasn't the therapist, it was an actual Rape Victim Advocate (an apparently scummy one at that) at the hospital that the GF was listening to who told her to cut OP out of her life, and that Advocate is (according to OP anyway) being investigated and fired. GF never cheated, but was apparently fingered at work by a coworker, and the GF just didn't say no, and just told the therapist that she cheated because she thought OP would've thought it was cheating anyway. All of this was apparently confirmed by a notebook GF was keeping to document her recovery. So basically, i take back everything i said about the therapist being the 2nd worst thing to happen to their relationship. Just didn't have all the info either. Sorry Therapist, i was incorrect. Anway, GF found out before she got the letter that OP made the post on reddit. That's when all of that started coming out. OP and GF are apparently back together, and OP is now full time apart of GFs recovery. I think that's everything.
okay so if your gonna cheat after getting raped then whats the point of a boyfriend. isnt he there for a reason.. i would have left instantly
yeah no one cares what you would do pal
Ok what I would say is “I wanna talk… you backed away when I tried to kiss you but you had intimacy with another man”
just because there is a reason for somthing bad (cheating). dose not justify it.
@@ThatCatByTheStreet-ln2yc5we7d I’m agreeing
my man has the mental strength of a god to not have ran through a window at the therapists office and met pavement
NTA, Being a victim doesn't excuse dogshit behaviour.
If she *ever* cheats. She WILL cheat again. . As a survivor of that too, i NEVER cheated immediately afterwards. I took back my life in ways that might have hurt me, in ways that i definitely regret. But NEVER in ways that hurt any people i care about. EVER.
You ever get frustrated that the person telling the story doesn't react the way you would
Fr like Wdym she cheated and you still continued the relationship with her like bruh
The therapist should lose their license. It's awful what happened to the girl, but she's still a cheater. The guy in this story did everything he possibly could and still felt like he had to walk on eggshells, it's a shame.
NTA she needs to heal. And a new therapist. My confusion in her situation comes from her being intimate with a coworker while bristling from the slightest look/touch from her long time BF.
I think she cheated on him with the therapist as well...
Man that letter made me cry To the person I’m the story you are so kind and are trying ur best it is not ur fault u have been an absolute saint
I'm a man and I really don't understand female psychology, but for me cheating is cheating.
Ok. I originally hated this woman for cheating, but this isn't the full story. She didn't cheat she was sexualy assaulted at work and she didn't do anything the therapist didn't explain anything correctly.
Thinking back I don't know if I believe her in the actual post where she said she was assaulted. The family knew and didn't clarify it to OP so. Part of me still think she cheated
@@nbdforever8668 idk man, she'd have to be a real piece of shit to lie about being assaulted after recently being raped. And the back-tracking doesn't make sense IMO.... Like you don't usually tell the truth and then come back with a lie especially since when she originally told him with the therapist she didn't know how he'd react or if he'd be willing to stay with her. But I also think a lot of these "am I the AH" stories are made up 😂
It's one thing to be traumatized by a situation that ocured to you. It's another to hurt/traumatize other people because you were traumatized.
I don't blame the guy honestly, it just sad on both ends. Probably for the best.
yk I get things are traumatizing but doing something like this is no excuse and this is cheating
This man is the best Chad out there
Report the therapist. Seriously unprofessional. Also, F that cheating Can't Understand Normal Thinker.
That letter was perfect I don’t think you could have told her any other way ❤😢
She tells you that you need to respect her wishes but she cant respect your request..... Having a background in psychology, yes the therapist is incompetent. There is no justification for a partner cheating. She was not regaining her freedoms. She was being selfish and self serving
I’ve seen the full thing from another channel, apparently her supposed cheating was some work college getting his rocks off from assaulting OP’s gf and because she didn’t stop it, she considered it cheating. Op and Gf’s sisters found the Reddit post, printed it, and went over to OP to beg him not to go through with the breakup. Then GF herself goes with the sisters and that’s the first time there was any actual affection between the two. The story ends with both of them still together, but seeing as it was from another video it may be a made up ending, don’t take my word for any of this I have yet to find the original post Edit: Found the post, the following info is correct but to correct a thing, as per the post, it was a guy: “getting his jollies by feeling up my girl.” So still not cheating, supposedly it’s revictímizing as some of the Reddit users in the thread have said. The original posts are deleted but there’s a thread retelling the story
His letter at the end choked me up a bit. I could feel his frustration, pain and loneliness. He deserves better and shouldn’t put his life on hold because his girlfriend did. NTAH
What a stand up guy. Wish I could find myself a man like this. Stood by her through thick and thin and he’s still beating himself up for it. Only so much you can do man, can only control yourself not others.
I think there was an update to this story after the gf and her sister found his reddit post and they kinda "gaslight him" into taking her back
I understand why OP feels so conflicted. He wants to be understanding and kind to her, after all, his girlfriend was raped, and being raped can leave a heavy scar on a person’s mind. It messes with people, I’ve seen survivors of rape end up being so obsessed with sex just because it makes them feel powerful. But I know why OP feels hurt. It’s cheating, even if the person who cheated wasn’t mentally all there. She’s been keeping her own boyfriend on the back burner and even had sex with a co-worker over her boyfriend, someone she should be trusting. I think it’s best that OP leave this relationship, even if it means sending his girlfriend into a frenzy. NTA, but I understand why others would feel this is a complicated situation to rate.
I so understand. I was r*ped age 14. I was traumatized refused to cooperate with police, doctors as I was hospitalized from it and even could not talk about it for many years. I am a man. Married now with two adult kids and am age 63. Do not leave her stand by her let her heal if you love her. if however she was only miss fun leave her. now!
I think the whole getting robbed thing was the cover up from cheating so I don’t blame him for wanting to leave and feeling the way he was feeling
if anyone doesnt want to search, heres the post. A year ago, actually a year and a month ago, my g/f was raped as she was leaving work. Thankfully she was not killed however her attacker did threaten her with a knife. Fortunately the store she works at had camera's in the parking lot and between them getting video of the attack and the bank across the street getting the attackers car on camera the Police were able to catch him within a day. Between the video, and dna testing he did not even contest he just plead guilty in exchange for not receiving the max. Since there were aggravating circumstances, the knife, the judge gave him a 20 year sentence and with time for good behavior he can be out in about 10 years, give or take. I tell you all of that to make it clear that her attacker is no longer a threat. She doesn't have to fear him coming back for her at least for 10 years or so. Obviously this was a very traumatic event in her life and while I was not a victim per se it was also very traumatic for me as well. I can't imagine what she has gone through and I don't compare my situation to her at all. But I have had severe bouts of depression because I couldn't protect her and knowing someone else was harming her sometimes was almost more than I could handle. Right after the incident she did not want to see me. I get that, it hurt but I understood. Her parents picked her up from the hospital and I did not see or hear from her for a week, which I sort of get but I think I could have gotten a text or something just saying she was ok. Finally a week in her sister calls me and lets me know that she is staying with her parents and she will be calling me in a couple of days. She never called me. Instead I once again get a text from her sister saying she would like me to come over for a few minutes so we can talk. I get up and go over and am greeted at the door by her mother who very calmly and very coldly starts laying out to me how I am to act and what I am to say. I am further instructed to not attempt to make any physical contact with her as in hug or anything. Okay, again I get it, major trauma I'm sure they have been coached by therapist/counselors or something in what to say and do around her so I play along. I walk in and she is sitting on a chair with her Dad standing next to her and her sister sitting on the couch. As I walk in the room the sister starts talking and telling me that my g/f wants me to know that she is okay but obviously she has been traumatized and appreciates my understanding in her recovery. She never said one single word to me and barely looked at me. Again, this was right after the event and I'm understanding that this is how it has to be. But honest to God that entire conversation was just awkward as hell. I leave, go home and attempt to focus on how I can help her. I start googling how to deal with a rape survivor and what I can expect. She starts going to therapy initially 2 times a week then after two months it goes down to 1 day a week. In the meantime she finally makes contact with me and asks to meet at a coffee shop. I get there and she is already there and waiting. At this point in time they had her so medicated that I was dealing with a zombie for the most part. There was no emotion and she was very methodical in her speech. Basically she wanted to get together that day to tell me that she couldn't go out with me for awhile until she got past some issues she was dealing with. Of course I told her I understood, this was almost a month after the attack and this was our first conversation by ourselves so I was already living under this assumption. I told her I would be there for her and that whatever she needed whether that be space or a shoulder to cry on or anything I was there for her. I started to tell her that I loved her and she stopped me. She told me that right now she didn't want to hear that and that I had to respect her wishes. I was once again a little hurt and frankly surprised but I said what ever she wanted.
She starts texting me the next day. Little things, nothing important but I think it is a big step in getting back to where we were. This goes on for another month and a half. I finally ask her at the month and a half mark if we could meet for dinner? She didn't reply for two days and then said that she had to wait for to talk to her therapist. Finally she agrees to this but sets the date for another month away. Now mind you this is almost 4 months after the attack and so far I've had one physical conversation with her in person and one bizarre conversation with her and her family. Oh yea I need to mention this, I am not being updated on her progress by anyone. Granted I realize that I am not officially family nor am I entitle do anything but it would have been nice to just get a text or call or something from someone telling me that she was doing good in therapy or was not or anything. We go out to eat at a small bistro that we ate at all of the time, I met her there and I was waiting for her to show up. After sitting for a half hour waiting I text to see what was up, I just get a text of "on my way". She finally arrives and sits down. I ask her how she has been and she snapped at me and told me to not ask her personal questions. We ate and after dinner I wanted to just sit and talk because I missed the person I had talked to almost every day for the previous 3 years. But when she was done eating she said that she was ready to go home. I asked her if she could stay for just a few minutes to talk but I could see that she was becoming physically anxious and I did not want to upset her so I said that I loved her and missed her. She just walked away. She goes back to texting me the next day like nothing had been wrong. We actually start to see each other once a week for lunch and she is getting more and more comfortable with being out so she sits and talks awhile. She has also started a new job which she tells me about. This goes on for another 4 months. I'm happy to see her and all but honestly I'm very lonely and we have not even so much as held hands. Then one day she doesn't show up for lunch, I text to see if she is okay, no reply. I call her parents to see if they know where she is and to make sure she is okay. I got the runaround from them and by this time I am starting to get upset because I don't want to know where she was at or anything I just wanted to know if she was okay. After actually saying that her mom say's, yes she is okay but don't expect to hear from her for awhile. Well that makes me start to thinking she has had a relapse and is in the hospital, but what can I do? All I do is go home and try and take my mind off of it. Two weeks pass with nothing from anybody. I'm trying my best to be reasonable here but basically I call her sister and ask if she is still alive or what. She knew I was getting frustrated so she apologizes but that her sister told them to specifically not let me talk to her. At this point I break down. I don't know what I've done wrong here. I have not pushed her, I have not tried to get her to be with me in any way other than to just talk to me and even then I have had very generic conversations so as to not upset her. I then get a text from her asking if I would meet with her at an address I wasn't familiar with but once I looked it up I determined this was a therapist office. I am told be there at 4 which meant I had to leave work early to get there. I check in at the front desk and am told that the therapist wants to speak to me alone for a few minutes. She comes in and I now know where the parents were getting this from because after formally greeting me she then started to provide me with a list of do's and don'ts. She then told me that my g/f wanted to speak to me and had something to tell me. I go in and she is sitting on one chair and I am instructed to sit in the other. She has a box of tissues and has been crying. The therapist tells me that I am here because my g/f has something to tell me and that she wanted the safety of therapist office to feel safe. She then proceeds to tell me that the reason she did not meet me for lunch that day is because she was with another guy, somebody from her new job, and that they had been intimate with each other. She might as well have taken a gun out and shot me, it couldn't have hurt anymore. I just drop my head and begin to cry. The therapist then pipes in with some logic about her taking back her sexuality since she was attacked and how this wasn't cheating in the same sense of cheating. My g/f then proceeds to tell me that she does not want to lose me and that she is just very fucked up in the head and that it was a one time thing and blah blah blah. I feel very trapped at that moment. I felt like I was ganged up on and the more I set the madder I got. I finally just said to her, you haven't so much as held my hand in the past half year yet you can go fuck some guy you met at work while I sit like a jackass waiting for my junior high like date. This of course caused her to go into hysterics and the therapist asked me to leave. I apologized and told her to text me if she wants to if she wants to keep working this out. I get that text later that day. Now she is all chatty and shit telling me that this was the worst mistake of her life and please talk to her. I tell her that I don't know if I can go on with this but agree to meet her. I flat out tell her right up front when I see her that for me to even consider going forward with this that she has to cut this other guy off period. She tells me that is impossible because they work together and I tell her that I'm sorry but I won't even consider it if she is going to see this guy everyday. She decides to find another job and after talking with my sister she who I have told everything to she said that while it is not common some women do attempt to have sex after being attacked so that they feel like they have power again. Now why I am not the one who she did this with I have no idea, but I know I feel like I am being punished for something I did not even do. She changes jobs and we go back to our lunch's and I do this twice when I tell her that I am getting a little tired of just meeting for lunch and doing nothing else so she agrees to come over to watch TV with me. That has been it up until tonight. Tonight she came over and we watched two movies and ate pizza. During the second movie I tried to give her a kiss. Nothing more, just a fucking kiss. She backs away as though I was a cross and she was a vampire and tells me she is not ready for that yet. Okay, not my finest moment here I admit but I tell her that it's been a fucking year and a month and I have not tried one god damn thing with her or forced her into anything and yet she willingly fucked some other guy months ago but here I am still waiting to hold hands. She of course starts crying but this time I'm not as fast to apologize. I do apologize for the tone of my voice and tell her that I would never try and force her to do anything against her will but honestly I feel like I have been kept on the outside, I've been cheated on (I don't give two shits what they call it, she willingly had unprotected sex with someone else) and I feel like I have done everything to try and be a supportive b/f. I tell her that honestly I don't want her to text me until I decide what I am going to do. I don't want to be unfair to her but by the same token a year is a long time and we are really no closer to being back to normal than we were 6 months ago and I have no idea how long this will go on. Now here is the part where if you didn't think I was asshole before you will now. I am just tired of not having sex. Look I certainly understood not trying anything right afterwards and even months afterwards, but its been over a year and were not even holding hands and frankly the fact that she has been with someone else since this incident is killing me inside. So I told her that I am going to think things through and promised to talk with her next week sometime. But as it stands tonight I think I'm done. I love her, I hate the motherfucker who ruined both of our lives. I know this isn't her fault and I hate that I feel like shit no matter what I do. If I stay I am going to be resentful and even if she comes over tomorrow and has sex with me it will feel like either pity sex or desperation sex. But I know ending this will be punishing her for something that isn't her fault either. Advice? My God this is way to long. tl;dr: g/f was raped over a year ago. in the meantime I have given her space and let her deal with things as she deems fit. We have not been together sexually since the attack, she on the other hand has been with another guy since. I think I'm done but looking for advice.
FIRST UPDATE: First let me say that when I wrote my first post I was obviously in a very bad place. That night's incident was very fresh on my mind and the pain I was feeling at that moment was more than I could handle. I typed that out, which was cathartic to me, then decided to crawl into a bottle of Jim Beam. I called in sick yesterday from work, which was not a lie as I had the hangover from hell and spent time alternating vomiting and laying with an ice bag on my head. I finally opened up reddit last night and to say that I was overwhelmed would be a massive understatement. I could not believe the number of messages I had in my inbox. I lost count to be honest with you but it was way in excess of 1 k. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. There were so many people who opened up to me about their own experience either being the victim or being the s/o of a victim. Each of your story's touched me more than I could say. One in particular got to me and I'm not going to lie I sat at my keyboard and cried for 20 minutes reading his story. It was so eerily similar to mine that it was as if it was happening to me all over again. However this was written from an older gentleman who went through virtually the same thing and had to make similar choices. Thank you sir, I won't share any details since that was sent to me in confidence but you truly touched me. That all being said here I am today. Although universally I was told I was not an asshole and not in the wrong it still doesn't feel right. I feel like an absolute failure and that if I would have just been more assertive early on in the process that we could have changed things. I don't think I made it clear enough how much I loved and still love her. Letting this relationship go is like saying I have to lose an arm. I haven't eaten any solid food since Sunday night, I know I have to quit drinking (yes I called into work again today) but right now feeling numb is better than what I feel like I have to do. Before I go over my intentions I do want to clear up a couple of things. As I said I wrote that while I was still very upset and hurt so I think I was probably either not clear enough or maybe painted a couple of people in a bad light. First to her parents. Yes, I've known her parents since 3 weeks into our relationship. They have never been anything but kind to me and we have eaten at their house twice a month since we have been together. My family has always celebrated Christmas on Christmas eve so I have spent 3 of the past 4 Christmas's at her house with them. I do not fault or blame them. Their child was brutalized and traumatized so they circled the wagon around her, which while I do not have any kids I certainly understand that she was top priority to them. Her Dad has been as hurt as anyone by this and I have been heartbroken to see this giant of a man (he's honest to God 6'6" tall) broken like this. Her Sister has honestly been my lifeline. She has talked with me and has always tried to be as open as she can with me. Yes, they knew about the cheating and that is why I got the runaround. No they did not support her decision to do this however they did not want to be involved other than be there for her. Second her therapist might be incompetent, I have no way to judge that. However in rereading what I typed I think I made it come out worse than it really was. She did not try and excuse what she did nor did she try and justify it, like I implied. After a few seconds of awkward silence that was only interrupted by my crying she said that "some women" do that. Also I did read where some people thought it was the therapist who recommended she do this and that couldn't be farther from the truth. My g/f told her in therapy what she had done and she is the one who convinced my g/f to tell me, they both agreed to do it there so she felt safe. I just wanted to clear those two things up because I did not do either of them any justice. My g/f is/was my best friend. I confided in her for everything. I have some work associates that I am friendly with but I am hundreds of miles from where I grew up and all of my friends are there and either are married or very career driven so I don't have what you would call a real support network. My sister has been there for me to a point but there is a real complication to that even. My g/f and my sister are best friends, in fact its how I met my g/f. So while my sister loves me and wants what's best for me she is also very sympathetic to her friend and doesn't want me to do anything to hurt either of us. She does not support her in the cheating but has tried to basically smooth that over. She does NOT know though that we (my g/f & myself) have not been together sexually since the rape. Honestly that is none of her business and I think she would be really disgusted with me if I let her think that this even had anything to do with it. My g/f has been blowing up my phone with text's since Sunday night. She is saying everything that I have wanted her to say since about a month after the rape. I've gotten more "I love you's" in the past day than I have in the past year. I've only responded twice to her. So she does know I'm reading them. That is making the next part very hard to do. I came to the decision last night/early this morning that for my own mental well being I can't do this anymore. Believe me when I say that I know what a failure it is and how horrible it makes me feel. So here is my plan. I know it is chicken shit on my part but I have typed a letter and I am going to send it to her therapist (along with a note to the therapist explaining what to do) for my g/f to read in her office. That way there is immediate support for her. I don't want her to be anymore abandoned than what I am going to be doing, that is heartbreaking to type btw. When she goes for her appointment Friday morning I will then send emails to her parents and a text to her Sister informing them of what is happening so that way they can be there for her when she gets out. Here is word for word the letter I have written her, the only thing that is different is that I am no using her or her therapist real names here. Please read it and let me know if I am out of line or if I am to cruel or if this will trigger any type of mental trauma related to her rape. I have zero intention of inflicting any more pain than what is normal with a breakup. Dear Sara, I know that this is not the best way of doing this but honestly if I had to look you in the eyes I know I could not go through with this. I have loved you since the first month we have been together and the first three years of our relationship were the best three years of my life. You were my everything and I know that we had both talked about marriage a lot and I know and believe with all of my heart that we were going to be married. Nothing would have made me any more happy or proud than to be called your husband. I don't know how to say this because every fiber of my being does not want to say this but for my own mental health going forward I have to let you go. Believe me when I say that decision did not come easily to me nor can I say that it is not heartbreaking on my end. I have always and still love you, but I can't be with you anymore. You need to heal and you need to be able to 100% focus on you while you are healing and having to worry about me and my feelings is only getting in the way of your healing. I will always hate the bastard who did this to you. He has ruined so many lives that life in prison seems a lot more appropriate than what he got. But I don't get to make that call. I know holding onto hate is not healthy but he has ruined my life as well as yours. I know you are going to hate me for this, I don't blame you at all. I know that you feel abandoned but please understand I have done everything in my power to be there for you. I wanted to be more involved in your healing but for whatever reason I was somewhat excluded from being a significant part of your inner circle. This has left me feeling very lonely and alienated from you and your family. I wanted nothing but the best for you and wanted to be there for you and I hope I was whenever you would let me.
FIRST UPDATE CONTINUED: I won't lie, you seeking comfort in the arms of another while still to this day denying me any affection has weighed very heavily on me. I did then and I do now forgive you but forgiving does not take away the soul crushing pain that comes along with that. I understand to a point why you might have done it, I don't agree with it and I never will, but I maybe see why. However that has nothing to do with the fact that we are one year and a month past your incident and you still treat me as though I did something wrong or will do something wrong to you. When you withdrew the other night from my attempt at a kiss I knew then that you were still in need of healing and I have no idea how long that will be. But I can't put my life on hold indefinitely, which is where we are still. I know it is very selfish of me but I need affection, I need both mental and physical intimacy. Our conversations have been both generic and bland for the past year, which believe me I can understand why. But we used to spend hours talking about our future and what we wanted. Now at best we talk about what movie's we want to watch. What I am doing is in no way because of what happened to you. That event was horrible and was life changing for you and I never ever had a second thought about you because of it. This is all about your recovery and how you have to heal. For whatever reason, reasons you may not even know yourself, you have completely distanced yourself from me. I've tried with all of my heart to get back to you but it is painfully apparent that I am no closer to you now than I was right after the incident. Also to be very clear so you do not think this is about anything else. The is no one else. I am not seeing anyone, I don't have eyes for anyone nor do I think anytime soon I will. I am not now nor have I ever cheated on you. I hope with all of my heart for you to be fully healed soon. I want you to be happy. I hope some day you can look back on our time together with fondness and find it in your heart to forgive me. I will always love you, this breaks my heart more than you will ever know. Love, Chad Thank you again to everybody. I know I type a boatload but it just feels good to get this out. I have to have it to her therapist by tomorrow. Now the question is do I have the fortitude to send it. tl;dr: I have written her a letter and need advice SECOND UPDATE I have learned several things recently. First thing is that I had no idea how many English teachers, lit majors and overall editors were actually redditors. LOL, I had so many posts just correcting my obvious and admitted horrible spelling and grammar that I began to have a complex. In all seriousness thank you for those of you who took the time to edit that for format, grammar and spelling. I even appreciate those of you who took the time to provide me with written documentations and reasons as to why my errors were errors. Second thing I've learned is that this is really a loving and caring community for the most part. I have been given numbers to call, emails to read and lists of things to read to help me on my journey. I deeply appreciate the very moving stories I have been told and believe it or not I have read every one of them even though at last count I was close to 2,500 messages. People have offered to buy me drinks, hang out and I even got one offer for a hand job to relieve my stress which was both flattering and amusing all at the same time. However the main thing that I have learned recently is to never sign your real name to an open public letter if you don't want it to somehow get back to the people in your life. It makes it a little hard to deny it was you when every single detail is the same and you use your own dumb ass name. Many people wanted and update about how things went. Simply put, it didn't. In review I had written the letter and then with the help of several redditors had re-written the letter with better format and I did edit out the part that the rapist ruined her because I agreed that this was not an appropriate thing to say. In fact I almost edited him out altogether other than saying I wish he had gotten a longer sentence. However I did leave in the part about being her husband. I know a lot of people wanted me to take that out but I just felt deeply that I had to say that, I can't really explain why. Of course my intention originally was to mail it to her therapist office with instructions for what to say, but I knew there was zero chance that she would get it in time so I was going to take it to her and see if I could speak with her. Notice how that was all in the past tense as in what I was going to do? Well I never got the chance. Wednesday night, late night in fact, I have a knock on my door. Lo and behold it is her sister and my sister together. Her sister was holding papers in her hands and my sister walks in and her sister walks in with her. Obviously something is up so I ask what's wrong and her sister hands me a print out of my posts and the replies to my previous two threads and she simply asks "is this you"? At first I tried to deny it, I couldn't really remember everything I had written in particular the first post so I was kind of trying to avoid any problems if I said something I shouldn't have. But my sister just straight up got in my face and told me to stop fucking lying, which by then I was caught. I knew and she new it. I just dropped my head. This then led to a very long conversation that lasted till the wee hours of the morning. At first her sister was very much emotional because of course she loves her sister and was crying asking me how I could want to do this to her. Much to my surprise though my sister stood up for me here and actually kind of ripped her sister a new asshole. She said that I had gone way beyond what most people had and that Sara should not one year later still be withholding affection from me. She had no idea that we still weren't physically as close as we once were, like I said I never told her.
FIRST UPDATE CONTINUED: Once my sister got done talking (I'm going to call her sister Susan just so I can stop typing her sister) Susan said that in reality she knew that she was right. She begged me to not go through with my letter, she said that I had promised to give Sara a week (which I had). She then gave a very impassioned speech about how much she can tell I still love her and how much she knows she still loves me. My sister also agreed that there was too much love present in my heart to just do this right away. She said and it made sense at the time, what is another week compared to what you have been through. So long story short I agreed to not take the letter over. Whether it was guilt, regret or love I can't say but I agreed to it. This then led the single most embarrassing thing in my life happening. Susan gave me a very big hug and cried as they were leaving. It's been a very long time since I've had any type of close contact and let's just say its not a lot of fun being called a disgusting pig by your sister. All I could do was say how very sorry and how embarrassed I was, fortunately Susan seemed to take it in stride. She just wanted to make sure that I would talk with Sara the next day. Even though I was a virtual zombie from lack of sleep I went ahead and went to work. I have lots of PTO time available to me but I didn't want to burn it all up over this in case I needed time later. I got home from work and my intention was to go straight to bed after eating dinner and maybe watching some tv. That went to hell in a hurry as I was eating my dinner when my someone is knocking on my door again. This time is was Susan and Sara. This time Sara is holding the printout. You can tell they both had been crying and Susan asked if they could come in. I just shook my head yes because I was honestly a little nervous and no matter what she has done or not done, seeing Sara emotional always upsets me and she physically looked horrible. I mean as bad as she did after the rape. They set on the couch and sara already has tears streaming down her face. We all kind of just sat there for what seemed like an eternity looking at each other. I wasn't going to speak first, I had no idea what to say or do so I just sat there. Eventually I broke though and asked Sara if she wanted some water or something to drink. She actually said yes so I got up and went to the kitchen to get her a glass of ice water and when I turned around she was standing right behind me. All she said to me was "are you really going to leave me"? I couldn't answer, I just looked into her eyes and felt broken and ashamed. We went and sat down but this time she sat next to me. She started to read my first post to me but could not make it through it. Susan jumps in at this point and says they had spent the day talking and they had gone over the post and most of the replies and said that Sara was very sorry for how she treated me. She said that they have spoken to their parents and everybody agrees that the way I was treated was not fair. Seeing it in writing really struck a nerve with all of them because they could see how hurt I was and that even though I could have blamed all of them that I didn't. Sara is shaking her head yes the entire time. Sara then managed to talk and just laid out how she obviously did not give me enough consideration and that she now see's that what she did was horrible to me when I have been nothing but compassionate and loving towards her. She begged me for another chance she said that sometimes in life you need a kick in the ass to get moving and she said me wanting to break up with her was her wakeup call. She can't and won't take me for granted and said she had a years worth of apologizing to do to me. Susan actually very calmly said that they had spoken at length in the afternoon about her infidelity and then not even touching me. Sara then replied that she had no real excuses. She knows that what she did was horrible and that she had no right to ask me for forgiveness but was going to anyway. She also said that she is making it the top priority of her life that she talk with her therapist to get past any physical limitations she has with me.
FIRST UPDATE CONTINUED: This went on for a long time btw. I could give you a lot more of what was said but this is already a wall of text as it is. The one thing though that I want to say is that while she was talking to me she was holding my hand. She reached out and took it. Now I realize that she read my posts and I made a big deal about that in my posts but whether she did it because she read it or just did it on her own (she used to do that all the time) I won't deny that it felt really good. They ended up staying the night. No, before you get any crazy porn movie ideas nothing happened between any of us. Susan slept on the futon and Sara on the couch and I actually went to my bed. I called in early Thursday morning to work before I went to bed as I knew that I would not be able to function on so little sleep. I get awoken around 10 by Sara sitting next to me in the bed rubbing her hands on my arm to wake me up. She said that they were getting ready to leave because she had moved up her therapy session to 11 and she didn't want to leave without her telling me how much she loved me and to let me know she was coming right back after the session. She leaned over and kissed me. It wasn't a long passionate kiss in fact it was just kind of a quick kiss but right on the lips. This was a mistake I'm sure because that broke my resolve right there. Up until that point I was still holding onto the thought that this was all just words and that it took me threatening to leave her to get her to even pay attention to me. One p.m. I got from a rape survivor kept going over in my head that if she was able to come around because of the threat of me leaving then this was not all due to her emotional trauma because if it was due to that then no threat of me leaving was going to change this. But between my sister, her sister and her every wall that I was building to protect myself was crumbling and that kiss pretty much was the wrecking ball that tore them all down. I went back to sleep and around 1 she shows back up at my place carrying lunch. Susan was not in tow so it was just going to be the two of us. We ended up spending the afternoon together. We ended up spending the weekend together. Yes you can infer from that what occurred between us. I'll just say that I was probably more scared about it than she was. I was worried about triggering anything or saying or doing anything that would upset her. She on the other hand was very loving and emotional about it. She cried afterwards for a good long while which caused me to freak but she said it was a combination of joy and regret. That she had forgotten how love felt and it just kind of overwhelmed her. We laid there for hours. She had the recommendation from her therapist for a couples counselor who we are going to start seeing next week. I know this isn't what a lot of people wanted to read and all I can say is that I'm sorry to disappoint you and yes I am prepared for the plethora of name calling from some people but at the end of the day I have to worry about myself and my happiness here. For the first time in over a year I have been happy for 4 days. I know that this isn't the end, that we are still going to have hurdles to overcome. I honestly believe that this was a wakeup call for her, if not then why go through all of the emotional drama and turmoil. Wouldn't she just let it go? Bottom line is I love her, I have always loved her and all I wanted was for her to show me she loved me as well. This past weekend was a really bonding experience for me and for her as well. I think we can build something new together. Thank you reddit, I felt the love from you guys as well. I am ultimately a very lucky man. tl;dr; Got caught with my reddit postings. My sister and her sister convinced me to not go through with the letter. Her sister and her came over and she said things that she needed to say and let me say what I needed to say. We spent 3 straight days together and it was heaven. We are going to couples counseling. I'm happy with the end result.
Nta. Chad seems like one of the best boyfriends anyone could ever have. And poor Sarah, it must've been so hard for her, but to have intimacy with a coworker you met at a new job and feeling more safer doing it than even kissing your boyfriend of 3 years is pretty messed up
Some comments say she didn't cheat but was groped by co worker, therapist was the one that said she went with coworkers, so was losing OP making her change her story. I think she kept OP at a distance because he wasn't there to stop the rapist, so she blamed him. Wonder if the co worker dumped her so that's why she went back to OP. Hope he gets therapy and keeps a close eye on gf as I believe she is still traumatised and will cheat again
she’s been with her boyfriend for years and still felt more comfortable doing the deed with some coworker than just giving her boyfriend a kiss or even holding hands?? what the hell was her therapist on saying that isn’t cheating???
i dont blame him, he has been feeling lonely for over a year and loneliness takes a lot out of your mental and physical health. if she was my sister i wouldnt forgive her even a little for going with the co-worker, even if it meant having to go against my entire family and making everyone who knows me hate me because i have an idea of how much it hurts.
you are a absolute saint and the compassion you have despite the pain you felt is so admirable, i cried at the end. i felt your pain along with hers as a victim of the same stuff, but 100% is wrong for treating you like a villain. i hope you both recover fully ❤😢
I personally really hope they come back together (as friends) and talk about everything over some coffee. after she has 90% healed. (obviously 10% is not really achievable. as it stands) and they talk it out. talk about everything. tie up loose ends. of course this probubbly won't happen but yeah
@@ThatCatByTheStreet-ln2yc5we7d there’s a longer version of this story and it’s so much sweeter than you belive, long story short she never cheated and was molested and some man hating woman told the girls parents to tell her boyfriend not to be to close with her and so it was a bunch of miscommunication on both sides
@@ThatCatByTheStreet-ln2yc5we7d obviously that wasn’t the sweet part, i recommended you watch it bc i think it’s better if you just hear it word for word
@@bunny-dl2rw reading it right now...
@@ThatCatByTheStreet-ln2yc5we7d how was it
She’s acting like she got shot or lost loved ones 😕
the man has full right to care about his own mental well being.
Fucks no if a girl can’t even touch u after almost a year and don’t wanna talk to but can do the devils tango with another man after a few days that’s honestly insane I would have broke up with her on the first month ?????
Listen man and this is so important for you to understand. Someone who can edit you out of their life for months on end and try to return is someone who simply does not have the capacity to pair bond. You can leave her now, or SHE will leave you later. There are no other outcomes. You're not married, this is too much to deal with I'm tellin you. Get out while you can. You did nothing wrong, even if you give her the benefit of the doubt and say she didn't do anything wrong, life happened and sometimes it sucks. Things will never, ever be the same, that's just the way it is.
golden heart, through and through.
That therapist was absolute shit if they had the audacity to say that it wasn’t cheating!
Anyone else kinda just stay on these to watch the background stuff
Most realistic reddit story
being taken advantage of does not cause normal people to cheat, she didnt deserve to be forcefully taken advantage of but she is also a problem 🤷♂️
Ok holy crap. Bro. You did the right thing. It sounds like the horrific incident she faced triggered something in her that fundamentally changed who she was as a person. This wasn’t the same girl you were with for 3 years, and even though it hurts and isn’t her fault, you are still entitled to your own happiness. Notice she put you on the back burner for over a year because it was what was right for her. She even slept with someone else behind your back because she thought that was what was right for her. You doing this is not much different, aside from the fact that you had the decency to inform her that you were leaving instead of just seeking your much deserved intimacy from somewhere else. You’re gonna make the right girl super happy someday man. Take your time to heal!
Cheating is cheating, be it emotional or physical so NTA. And using SA as a reason the cheat is shyty- this is coming from a SA victim, it would be BETTER to try physical intimacy with her boyfriend and not someone else. Shes basically treating the partner as her assulter, which is her fault not theirs. The letter honestly was for the best for both sides, she needs to heal before she can move on. He needs to move on to someone whos ready to commit. 1+ years is more then patient, and the fact OP kept up with her family that long, of course there will be long term issues. But her cheating right away and seeing someone else was NOT the way to go.
She probably sees him as a memory of what used to be which hurts her. This is NOT him fault honestly a break up is probably what she needed. She’s remembered of who she was before the assault and so she probably remembers the assault every time she’s with you. You did exactly what you both needed.
Ive read all the updates. Holy mother of god, yhat gurl went through it. And so did he! Hoping they each find the happiness they deserve.
Respect to this brother for putting up with this as long as he did the man is a true soldier.
this is, at heart. a very nuianced situation. on one hand. we have the GF's prospective. she was r-ed and is dealing with the trauma. and wanted to regain control so was intamint with some coworker. but was still healing deeply do to it. on the other hand. you have OP. who saw that his GF was R-ed. then the GF did not talk to him. then out of the blue with told that she cheated. than spoke to him like a practical aquatence. honestly, to give my opion. no one should ever feel obligated to stay with somone in a relation ship. now this situation would look a whole lot different if OP left her after 2 weeks of no contact. but that was not the case. it was way over a year with little contact and grey conversations. obviously it makes sense that the GF is like this. she was traumatized in the worst way. but anyways. she underwent somthing very difficult. but. I feel it is ok if OP also establishes over time he is still here for her in the same way he was. still there to talk to when needed. but as it stands. I don't think OP should be obligated to a relationship that has (at this point) basically devolved into a basic Friendship with little substance. he is ok to do that. TO BE CLEAR!!! I do not think the GF did anything wrong. obviously exluding the cheating, (which is still cheating. even if it has a reason that is not just lust) but as it stands. it is clear to most people that at this point. this relationship is never going to work in the long term. and OP diserves to feel open to get with somone eles. when he is mentally able to. that is my 2 cents
Agreed
The gf did do something wrong tho???
I guess from listening to him and the story I feel as though for the whole year she didn’t have a single good think of what he would be feeling from all of this. At first it makes sense that she’s distant but she didn’t really try to close that distance for the whole year after the rape, I feel as though she lost a part of herself that loved him which led to her not being able to close the distance and really think about him.
You handled things great! You did your best and should be proud of yourself for being as kind and patient as you were! You’re a great guy!
"Sometimes you have to take responsibility for your own happiness" -Mr.Cuddlywhiskers from Bojack Horseman
As a victim of sa I actually cant believe im seeing some of yall say "what if shes lying about her sa" to the women in the story. Is this how yall think?? Like what tf is wrong with yall?? I feel bad for the boyfriend but I also feel bad for the girlfriend and just hearing yall say that shit about her is honestly upsetting
The story is incomplete, theres more
where can u find the rest?
this man is such a calm and understanding as well as kind
you have absolutely all the roght to leave her, and dont feel bad 'bout it either. equal rights equal fights.