One Factor That Will Release You From A Narcissist's Grip
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Narcissists make all sorts of attempts to hold you in their grip, meaning you can feel trapped in futility and tension. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter explains how you are meant to be free, and you do not have to remain bound by their unreasonable ways. He gives great clarity to the one factor that can allow you to be you, despite the narcissist's plans to the contrary.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 39 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars.
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I'd just like to say to all those who have lived with narcissistic abuse, and especially to those who've not yet won their freedom from it, remember this: The only magic that your relationship with the narcissist ever had came solely from you; and when you do move on, you'll take that magic with you. Godspeed.
You just made me cry. Thank you.
That is such a beautiful sentiment. Thank you for that. ❤️
😭🤗❤
beautiful and very true 🌠
Thank you for saying this ✨
I am in a marriage of 32 years and i can not take it any longer, i am ready to finally be happy and not be put down all time by a man. Prayers please.
Bless you.
I did that, left. I probably could have said "Screw you, i do what *I* decide" and stayed married, but i was exhausted, couldnt live with it any more. Now, i avoid/cut out a narc at the first sign of manipulation and narcissism. Thats the bright side of going through it--you learn to recognize it after having escaped from one. Good luck.
I was married to one for 25 years. Leave.now! It is not worth losing your sanity.
@@vickielewallen3799 it is always good to be the calm one.
I'm sorry, if you have "been at this" for 32 years, you are not with a true narcissist. An asshole, probably..not not a narc. you would have been dead long ago NOBODY can be with a TRUE narcissist and live very long. I do hope you have escaped whoever you are with that does not treat you as the person you deserve to be treated as though!
I am me! Thank you! (when Satan can't get to you, he sends a narcissist).
Satan is the narcissist
That was a good one. Rock on!
Just finally walked away from a narcissist husband, after 10 years of marriage .wew, i thought im alone in this..thank God my eyes were opened!
Riz Lav I’m so so proud of you. Not everyone can walk away believe me be proud
Thank u..i was in denial many times/years thinking i cant do it without him..was verbally abused, lost my own self since i married him. Twas juz last year that i got the guts to leave him, after few months i went back 2 or 3 times hoping and hoping for a change but therw really is no hope
If you’re watching these videos you know it’s time to leave, listen to yourself!
Perfect
I 2nd guess myself, holding onto shred of a glimpse of what if I'm wrong?
@@jillians9864 I did that countless times. There comes a time where deep down you know a change isn’t coming and you need to set your foot down and walk away. Don’t waste years of your life 🙏🏻 When you stick to it you retrain your brain and you can finally move on and completely accept things
I have false hope untill the next time things go wrong. When I figure out when to stop the ride, I got to go.
Hello am watching this video because I suspect my ex is a narcissists but I did not know too much about the subject. My dead mother told me in a dream to leave him and I listened..am so happy that I did..good luck everyone who are planning to get out of that kind of relationship.
The best way to deal with a narcissist is don't deal with them at all.
Is not always possible to not deal when there are children.
Kids make this situation very difficult
Wayne Elliott true story
One alternative is to minimize contact and go grey rock. Lots of videos on this.
LindaP1053 I divorced mine. I left while he was at work and moved almost 2000 miles away.
I am in a marriage entering it’s 25th year. I’m preparing to leave my husband who is a narcissistic controlling man. I’m going to find me! ❤️
Find you! You have a major challenge ahead, but I hope it takes you to your place of peace. Dr. C
Lesley DeBuque Be careful when you leave. My husband of 20 years nearly killed me when I left. He had never laid a hand on me before that.
Lesley,, I am proud of you! Wish I had the same strength as you.
Be safe!! Don’t look back, learn to love yourself and find a happy life. It’s out there!
Lesley DeBuque I divorced my NPD alcoholic ex husband after 29 years married and 4 children. I finally feel like I can be my true authentic self again Good luck to you on your journey!
As I keep reminding myself every day 'its none of my business what the narcissist thinks of me - what matters is what I think of me'
I have to leave, his just gone on pension, and blames be me for leaving his job as I'm a housewife , 55, oimbthinkingvof going to a Wand shelter xx
Woman's
I have an exercise in which I look in a mirror and say, "I believe in me" 10 times in a row. Then I do this 10 times throughout the day. So, by the end of the day I believe in me 100 times more than I did when I woke up that morning! It works!!
They beg you to save them, and then once they are safe they try to destroy you.
John Beasley Yup. My mother.
@@karolinacuprys mine too
And you have to acknowledge that the crisis they need saving from is either manufactured by them, or an outright lie. My narc told me that he was dying, and that he had 3 to 5 years to live. That was 27 years ago and he's still healthy as a horse, married to a woman who believes everything he says. He broke up her marriage to his best friend. She's hopelessly infatuated with him, and he's, well, a narc.
@@edennis8578 they need rescuing from the consequences of their actions all the time.
Beware of their crocodile tears!!!
Don't explain anything to them. It's a trap.
Finally figured out the pattern. Share personal thoughts, beliefs, fears with my narcissistic and manipulative flying monkey mother, and about 5 days later, I get an abusive, accusatory email from my malignant, narcissistic older brother. It's happened several times over the last 20 years, but had really picked up lately for some reason. That's what sent me here, looking for information about what kind of person acts this way. My brother, 58, is the perennial victim according to Mom - he's divorced, alone, no job, no friends, no pets, etc. Every time he blows up a relationship, it's someone else's fault and he's just a poor, misunderstood genius. Once I saw the pattern, I stopped trying to have personal conversations with Mom about anything related to him. It's all perfectly pleasant, I just never, ever give anything but superficial, non-substantive responses to her. I stay upbeat and confident and refuse to take her bait. She's gotten used to it and hardly tries anymore. She knows my boundaries, even though she tries to mock me with them: "I know you don't want to hear anything about (brother) but. . ." Then she tells me about all his latest and greatest plans and accomplishments, which usually involve him writing an inflammatory political letter to the editor or complaining on her behalf to her phone or internet provider - just another chance for him to verbally assault someone, I guess. The boundary I set wasn't that I didn't want to hear about him, it was that I wouldn't discuss him with her or talk about him when he wasn't present. She just twists that into whatever she wants to hear, and then continues doing whatever she wants. I've learned, the hard way, not to engage with her when she's working to stir the pot. It's actually amusing now to listen to her alternately promote and criticize him, knowing what she's hoping is that I'll weigh in, give an opinion or ask a question that she can then twist around and feed to him in order to get him to send me a nasty email or text. She literally used to thrive on the drama. Ho-hum. . . 😁
Never explain anything. Never answer their questions. Just act on your internal brain. Feign a smile....It will drive then nuts.
They'll deny everything anyway...dont waste your breath!!!!
IT'S A TRAP! IT'S A TRAP!!
Explaining is feeding. You're paying attention to them as though they matter. You cannot "Jedi" a narc into turning back to the light side like they are Darth Vader's ghost. They do not come back to the light side. They just eat your cookies.
When I started to be myself, my energy is back
That’s the SECRET to be free! Be yourself! Don’t act like anyone! The Narcissist wants to be more Catholic than the Pope! Just be on your lane and be confident
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I have happy tears streaming down my face. I’m NOT crazy! This video along with one I watch yesterday have literally saved me and have given me new hope. I thought I was beyond damaged and broken because of the narcissist in my life, but now; now I know I’m not. And it’s ok to be ME. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge so others can be healed and equipped for battle. Thank you!
Jessica, There's nothing wrong with you and who God made you to be. Evil (aka) the Narcs, see our/your greatness and they will stop at nothing to make you feel the opposite. Keep reminding yourself, that you're a child of God. Awesome, Beautiful, Kind, Loving and Loyal. Go deep within your spirit self and go get Jessica Back!!! #NARCBEGONE!!!! ✌🙏♥️
Nope we're not crazy. Yay🥰 emotionally separate yourself Just know deep inside they are scared and insecure. Be secure in you and no more years dear one. I am choosing to be happy ha. 🥰 No one can take that from you. When p goes south on me, I just keep to myself and say Whatever, and smile to myself. Now days I don't let him rock my boat. You are going to be alright.
I totally get what you're saying. You are not crazy. It's amazing to realize this. Yayyyyyyy you. You are you!!!!!!
I felt the same way
I feel that way,too -100%
Peace is all I want at this point.. Dear God. It's like living with a demon.
June Viarruel I’m wishing you the best, June! ♥️
Right on June...that's why all of this talk it's useless... you can't do it with the narc.. You have to first ..in JESUS name bind ALL kind of demons that are in them ...& then try to speak ...but until they want to receive deliverance...& they never want it...they will only get worse...that's why the only REAL solution is that of leaving them...
Misery loves company...birds of a feather flock together.There is a reason you where attracted to them...GOD was trying to show you something..they are not a demon...but an angel,showing us what darkness hides in us...WHY did we flock to them..ask yourself that...most of the time its because we grew up with narcassistic familys and we dont even know it and we carry on the traits...GOD used you both as a mirror for each other..so look at yourself...the victom role is nars too...we always think darkness hides demons..but if we look closer...its just our past we hid away and forgot about...its easier to call a partner a demon..then mom and dad...but remember they learned from their parents and so on up..same with your partner..learned behavior..
@@unconditionalloveforall7073 it's not a partner it's a family member. And she's way........out of control. Chaos is her middle name... Angel? Yes narcs forces you to look inwardly because you must understand yourself in order rid yourself of traits that attracts them to you as NARC feed. Narcs cannot be fixed. Only God can save them if they let him. Remember they are perfect. You're wrong about many things like the reality of what a narc is and fantasy new age reasoning. But ty for your feedback.
@@jviarruel I know one of the qualities of a nars is deluision...and to call someone a demon..because they are deluisional is cruel..but I also know..when we are not looking..the toxic posion sneeks in and takes US over..so we become delusional..just like the nar..we start blaming,start calling names...saying it was never us..it was them..you called them a demon for GODS sake..have they ever gone on social media and said such bad things about you..if so..maybe thats where you learned it from..two wrongs dont make a right...this person is your mirror...you want to know who you are..take a good look..because you think its okay to call another person who clearly has mental issues...a demon...what does that make you then?
I've always listened to Dr Seuss when he said , " lt's truer than true that no one is youer than you."
Exceedingly true for the narcissist and the enabler both! Can you be true to yourself without being smothering? Yes! Or the smothered one? Yes! Thank you for your post. Narcissism is about reducing a person's fitness for life, using captive (or captivated!) influence. Sort of like Robinson Crusoe waiting for Godot. February 12 is Darwin's Day. What I do today will determine my (our!) fitness in 2 days. February 12 is also Lincoln's Day. What you think of yourself (or anyone else) today will determine your fitness in 2 days. A day at a time- that's all I can handle right now, and time is short. Oh, me (sings scale) versus When I'm calling you (yodel). A god*!* good relationship is sharing and exchanging companionship, joy, happiness, achievement, and continuance. Thank you Dr. Carter. Thank you Claudia! Planting a tree today.
That’s 🔥
Yes it is, unless you are on a narcissist
@@CAMacKenzie l
That is so cute, Yes I'd trust the cat in the hat and green eggs an ham over a narcissist any day o' the week!
I lived with my boyfriend for 8 years.. The 8th year he became a narcissistic.. And drug addict/ alcoholic and i learned.. Did my home work.. And i planned an escape. First i got a storage. Then i packed clothes in 3 duffle bags.. Then i saved money.. Then at 100am when i knew he was knocked out.. I ran ran way.. Then i hid like a ghost.. I turned off all social media and blocked all calls.. Except. My family.. I made a plan.. And it worked.. Now im at peace. What a change in my life.. If i can do it so can you..
Wow. Well done, ten times over. Brave and clever , I just want to say I wish you all the happiness and love you have surely earned. My narcissist is my son in law who has controlled my side of the family ever since he married my daughter. It took me years to realise what was happening. My family is now ripped apart and he controls my contact with my granddaughters. One day there will be a big bust up, when I decide it’s the right time , as you did. Then I walk away laughing because I am already out of his grip. He doesn’t know that yet. Seriously though, I wonder if any of you think narcissism is actually a criminal offence and should be treated as such. We need to talk more openly about it so everyone is alerted to narcissistic behaviour. It could save years of utter misery for so many. Just an idea.
What a great road map for the rest of us. We are proud of you, thanks for sharing.
No. There's NO reason to stay around a narcissist. None. Do NOT put yourself through that for anything. You're worth more than that.
If you can manage 2 weeks of *no contact* your body, emotions, mind will certainly adjust and you will start to feel better... just try to stay no contact even for few days, it will do miracles. Trust yourself people, you deserve better.
That is so true the longer I’m away the absolute more fantastic I feel! No more emotional torture, No more abuse
Thank you!!!!
I'm over the 2 week mark now and I am gaining clarity as well.
Afakkob...AMEN ! SO TRUE !
No contact or contact I still mess up with their mind as well
A narcissist pushed ALL my buttons with a gotcha game, When I raised my voice to be heard as he was talking over me, he smirked and softly said "Do you want me to call the police? Lower your voice". That was the moment that I realized he felt me being me was somehow a crime. I knew I'd never get closure or truth from him. I knew I was done and had to break free.
Elizabeth Choate LMFT and then you feel awful bc you’re caught up in some type of weird crazy game he’s playing... being a relationship like that is horrible. I’m glad you left!
The narcissist was afraid he was losing power over you..that's the reason he threatened.
Yes the infuriate and when you try to stand up for yourself they act like the victim and tell you to stop yelling!?
@@sanjon2778 I believe you. Once I was on the phone with narc ex husband and he started shouting and speaking about completely different topic as if I were on the other line arguing with him. In fact I was waiting for him to respond as to what time he would collect the children. I realised that he had an audience and wanted to convey to the other person I was on the other line arguing. I told him that the next time he tried it I would end the call. Seemed to take the wind out his sails. They are immature and wicked. I truly believe, and they know it to be true, that they are of the Devil.
Oh yes. Mine will say the most insulting things about and to me, and if I react angrily and get loud, I get, "There she is. There's the trailer park. Always yelling. I'm not going to talk to you if you yell." I can feel my blood boiling!
They are exhausting. Even if you can handle them in certain situations or for brief instances; it never stops, they never get better. And the biggest sin you can commit against them is to complain.Yet, they give you so much to complain about. They lie even when its obvious and there is no reason to lie.
Kathleen Reardon,you look stunning
I will forever have to deal with my ex because we have children. I can't wait when our kids are teenagers. But this video is nothing but 100% true . Y'all pray for me with this divorce
Prayers. Hoping you are holding up and finding strength. I also hope you have some peace now.
@@archywiseman thank you. About a month for my divorce to be finalized. I can't wait
Hopefully you don't go thru what I am with my ex and endless cps stalking
@@amandagreer5586 😩 he is making my life miserable. I feel like I need to get mental help at this point
Church helps me refuel emotionally. Also my ex can't still my joy because I won't give it to him.
I left him yesterday and my advice is just leave. Don’t explain anything just leave.
well done
kudos to you!! go and live a great life! happy for you! congratulations!!!
Loli Granada; How are you doing?
Hope everything is going well
--The narc I knew once said that his past "exes" had each left him like a "thief in the night". On each different occasion, he had come home and they had gone--clothes, furniture, etc. I had wondered why. After knowing him, I fully and completely understand! He was an unbearable lunatic!
I spent 13 years with a woman who refused to be happy. Nothing was good enough. No way to live up to her standards. I was a possession. I walked away and never looked back. My life is so much better.
john doe a posession, well said!
That's my mum too
After 10 years I am at the same point.
@@ryanbradley1549 run, don't walk away. I left her 14 years ago now. Life is so much better. I own my own home now, no mortgage. Retired and now back in school full time. Been in a stable, healthy relationship for 10 years. Life is good. You deserve better.
With my Daddy would walk away or get rid of her. She's such a evil person but unless you live in the house you'd never know it...street angel, house 😈 devil.
From about the age of 4 my Mother told me, "if a person asks you to hand them something within their reach, get away from them and stay away." They are seeing how much control they can have. She repeated that as I grew up. This is one way to notice people that use others.
That's a really great point! And very true as well. I have an aunt that during a family gathering asked me to get her a glass of lemonade from the drinks counter that was just a stone's throw away. It pissed me off. She had absolutely no issues with her leg and was perfectly healthy. I would have gladly helped her if she was differently-abled or sick or unable to walk because of pain, but we're talking about a perfectly healthy woman here. Yes, she is a malignant narcissist. She shames and berates people like crazy and is very dictatorial. She always acts and talks like others are beneath her. She tries to control and micromanage other people's lives while trying to glorify her own. Your mom was 100% right. I'm glad there are moms out there that teach their kids about stuff that really matters. My mom sadly is a covert narcissist. She couldn't care less about my emotional health. I've had to learn all this on my own through difficult experiences with narcissists.
@@1986nitya I'm glad you're learning. There are small warning signs. People that ask for favors constantly repel me. Also people who don't understand when I say, no thank you. My Mom was in the Military during the 60s and even then she turned down all vaccines and they allowed it. She still got an honorable discharge after 4 years of service. She wasn't the right personality to be controlled. I respect her for who she is. She was very popular pain in the butt. 😃
@@funnyhunny3407 hahaha...that's amazing! I love hearing about and/or meeting all these badass women, you know. They are often branded crazy for not conforming to the norm, but in reality, they're not bad people. On the contrary, they are really nice people, but they have firm boundaries and know how to speak up where it matters :-) They know how to co-operate, but they also know how to be their own individual. Compliance isn't compatibility and these women understand that. On the contrary, women like my aunt mistake money, position, and societal recognition for true power, while they continue to act out from their deep inner state of powerlessness and mess up the lives of those around them. I'm so happy for you and so proud of your mom! It must be a lot of fun with her around. Sending her a big hug from India :-)
@@1986nitya Awe, India. Wishing you a wonderful life surrounded by nice people that can accept healthy boundaries. I do enjoy my Mom. Thank you!❤
I’m finally coming to grips with the fact that my soon to be ex covert narcissist husband never loved me; he just loved what I could do for him. After ten years, I’m finally free.
Same as you.
Sassy dog, best wishes!! I just came to the same realizations fairly recently. My understanding and strength have been opening up to me. I am entering a new phase where I am now preparing to separate my entanglement from him, and let go of the many things I thought we had together. It was all fake. I perpetuated the image he wanted to portray to the world. I’m sorry for my daughter, who will not listen to me. My son died, and now I’m creating RESOLVE and AUTONOMY, while just weeks ago, I was not able to see myself separately from the covert narcissist. I can say with confidence, (and I still have my good heart), that the narcissist means nothing to me. I crossed over a confining belief recently and I am taking actions that will lead to my freedom-no matter what he or my daughter may say. I’m willing to pay that price to throw off the ropes of control which they have had on me. It’s sad, but it’s right. I must proceed.
I am me, alone. It's lonely being me, by myself, when I've been told all those years who I was supposed to be, with them. Funny thing is, I 'd always been told I'd be no one, without them. Yet, here I am, without them. I AM someone.
amen to that!
You are awesome!
I am so pleased for you. You are so much stronger than the narcissist.
You are simply Awesome!!🙏✌👍
It's cold and and lonely living on the fringes. But this is where they have pushed me, all those years, saying I don't belong, that I am not worthy of being with them, as they are so much better, smarter, kinder, funnier, richer, honest, attractive, ... than I am. I can now honestly say that my life is much better. I have attained greater levels of intelligence, compassion, humor, wealth, morality, and beauty than they ever can, simply by leaving them with only that which I could carry. Walking out, merely closing the door, not slamming it. And never looking back. I knew that if I looked back, even once, it would mean that a part of me still cared enough to seek some reaction on their part. I refused to even indulge in looking at social media posts or asking common friends about them. I deleted all accounts, including e-mail. They had killed all of the "I care" in me. I just needed to be gone from there. To be shed of them. All of them. Years of physical, psychological and emotional abuse from the one who birthed me, years of watching her do the same to my brothers and my father, years of the mind games between us, years of the plots, the set ups, the mockery at our failures, the "carrot and the stick" enticements to return on the many previous attempts to leave, the promises that things would be better and nothing but lies, lies, lies... That can and will harden hearts. She destroyed the family from within, then told others that we had failed her. That we were losers. Inasmuch that a house could represent the emotional status of a family, she essentially doused ours with accelerant for years, then struck a match, and stood back and shouted that arsonists had done it. Yet, as long as she doles out financial rewards in exchange for being her flying monkeys, my brothers remain loyal to her. As long as they supply her with "information", or deliver messages for her, and even spy on each other, she rewards them. She waits until they are nearly pennyless, then offers a meal, some gas money, or a place to stay the night. But there is always a caveat. They must be willing to sign a contract, agreeing to her demands! That is not love. Love cannot be bought. That is not even loyalty. That is a dictatorship. For all the injuries I sustained, I refused to be broken. I could not be purchased. My spirit was not that I should be subserviant towards her. I kneel to no man or woman. Only my Savior, Jesus Christ.
When this was a parent controlling you, it is extremely damaging.
100% accurate. My dad fits the description and I know me and my siblings have suffered greatly from it.
R D Yes, and as a little kid, you know that something isn't right, but you have no clue exactly what is wrong. It affects your mental health as a kid while you develop all kinds of coping mechanisms. I kept wondering, "What's wrong with ME!" I have quite a bit of understanding and compassion for little kid me now. 🤗
@@catnc1 Exactly right. I have one older brother who is a drug addict and in a mental institute and another brother who is coping. I liked the book Childhood Disrupted. It helped me understand some things.
Its contagious, we adopt those behaviors and regardless of the accuracy of our perspective, the consequences are real. Narcissist too were taught, that's why it's worth it to me, to put in the work and try to intervene and possibly reverse this narcissistic trends that may be hereditary. Piece
Wild Ramble your life is only half over. Start living your life right this minute. I am dealing with the exact same thing. My mother is a narcissistic bitch. Start not telling her anything of importance. Just discuss the “weather” etc little stupid things with no meaning. Do it slowly so she does not even notice. I bet she won’t as everything is always about her. Stop telling her anything she does not already know about. In other words, Don’t feed her your life.
"You don't have to justify your past decisions or mistakes." You can own up to what you did, good and bad. Wow, Thank you.
5:11
Amen. The Lord directs and keeps my path straight, by His righteous hand.
Thank God for the spirit of the Lord. I just got off the phone with a narcissist pouring out my heart as I had a meltdown today. It helps to hear other people how they deal with it. It makes total sense instead of feeling like I should have never spilled my guts to him. They have too much pride they want to straighten you out they have no empathy
Amen
Ameen
Amen!
AMEN
Narcissist want you to willingly submit to their sadistic abouse ,they want to slowly beat you into submission, by bulling you...
Right they are sadist in many ways.
@Quiche Lorraine truth.
Maria Seidi True true true!
The 100% TRUTH!!!
But they don't WANT you to be true to yourself!! They will belittle your true self.
Which means you have to hold onto your resolve! Dr. C
Who cares what they want? You make that matter. You give their opinion weight. They certainly NEVER care what YOU want. They care about what they want. And you're caring about what they want. So who is going to care about what YOU want? If You Don't, Then Nobody Will. So you MUST. Adapt to reality and Change your focus to yourself.
Surviving Narcissism I’m just in the beginning. I’m having to seek within myself still to believe it can be resolve! It’s believing in me..😨
@@sassykat2000 This is exactly what I recently learned about my own behavior and it has made all the difference! It is not easy to see how our behavior comes into play when our minds are befuddled by our narcissist . Thank you for stating it so eloquently and matter-of-factly.
The world- just be yourself. The world- Not like that, you're doing it wrong.
No one can have a normal relationship with a narc. For 40 years I kept trying to understand what was happening until "me" was non-existent. Then he started complaining that I was co-dependent and started the discard phase. If I had not happened upon the knowledge of what a narcissist is, I probably wouldn't have made it out alive. As it is, I think I am permanently broken. I moved mountains for that man, only to discover it was all a lie. GET OUT!!
Well experienced moving mountains, why stop, move some for you now
Exact same experience !
We heal , and scars yes , permanently broken , I thought so as well , finding it's helped to become whole , and complete , or recognize that I was all along
You are Not broken.
@@staceylove44 Since my first post, my adult son died so, yeah, I'm broken. My daughter and I are just hanging on by our fingernails, and have just accepted that this is our life now. Neither one of us has the wherewithal to try to change things. I do try to be kind to others, however, because we're all broken to some degree.
I broke free from a 25 year marriage to a narcissist last year. People say this is a time for recovery and healing. I agree. They also say it’s a time to make decisions about what I want my life to look like. The trouble is that I have spent my entire life in the shadows of narcissists. I don’t know who I am, or what I want from life, other than I know I need peace. Your videos (which I just discovered yesterday), fill me with hope, and the feelings of shame and isolation slip away as I listen to you. You cannot know what a gift you’ve given me! Thank you!
Hope your growth is continuing all these months later
@@lesliedavis4366, thank you. Yes! I am continuing to heal and grow. Not always at a consistent pace and, sometimes, I find myself moving backward more than forward, but I try to stay focused on not giving up.❤️
When you get out of their grip you see what losers they are. It’s amazing how the mind works. As soon as I had everything to leave, I seen them and they physically looked uglier to me.
Yes. My ex is no longer handsome to me. It's the brain using new information to make new pathways to protect you.
But it's not just your mind playing tricks with you, they really do look different to everyone, not just you - they've lost the sheen they stole from you and others like you (narcissistic supply) and have regressed back to what will eventually be a physically ugly troll like creature.
that's called your eyes being opened
Your so right...then you can laugh at there insecurities.it's kinda funny
@@rodciferri9626 if you only knew how true this comment is So I managed to get my mother away from my demon (narcissist) father for 3 months so it was just me and him and I been on to him since I was 8 so he was not getting any supply from me so started to physically break down and look his age 65 but unfortunately my mom had to return and 2 weeks later he was back to looking 40 after getting his supply back ... so they literally feed off you been stressed out and dying slowly
No contact after a day, no contact after a week, no contact after a month and no contact after a year.
Raoul Kleijntjens 👍🏻
I had to go "no contact" with the coffee shop crowd of regulars. They haven't changed their closed minds in decades.
Good for you!!!🙂and God bless!
Very well put :) ..could not agree more...I'm wearing the t shirt..daily, it's the only thing that works.
@@MrPaulhr I am a carpenter in this narcissistic culture. I have dealt with incidental narcissists to malignant narcissists first hand. I learned how to recognize what was right in front of my face. I researched independently and tried to share my understanding. I am a compassionate and patient individual. I never go "no contact". My wife is a covert narcissist. I am still here for her. Like a relationship between a dog and a cat---- the dog will get scratched. This is the dynamic of our world. It is not always wise to go "no contact". We must face our lives with DRC. Your next step in spiritual growth will involve a narcissist. *What we ignore will return: smarter, more subtle, more painful, more illusive. Facing our fears with DRC is the better path.*
My dad, my sister, my brother, my ex husband.....get out, stay out get help, I had severe PTSD and still suffer, I find it extremely hard to make relationships. I still find I attract them, but I recognise toxic people quickly now and dodge them. It's like a zombie apocalypse!
My therapist recommended Dr. Carter's KZhead channel. It has made an incredible impact on not only my life but my sons as we watch these videos together. To say life changing is an understatement. Thank you for commitment to this channel.
So pleased, and tell your therapist I said thank you! Dr. C
I can't afford a therapist so Dr C is mine and he's better than anyone I could try to afford
Exactly. Same here, Heather! He's excellent.
@@SurvivingNarcissism You are really a God sent Angel to all of us.. 🤗🙏❤.. God bless you and your family❤
Absolutely changed my life. Hands down the most effective and insightful videos I’ve watched.
I am so grateful to have come across you. I am nearly eighty and had no idea about narcissists. The family I married into wanted me to be their clones. I now love my uniqueness and can stand up for myself in a firm but respectful manner. My daughter says the trouble is I won't conform. Why should I. Nothing wrong with the way I am although I aim to improve with your wonderful guidance. Xx
Thanks, Xenia. I'm hoping this video will resonate with you! Dr. C
God bless you...stay feisty 😉
As I get older, one of the most hopeful discoveries I've made is that it's never too late to change for the better. Wishing you all the best.
Bless your heart and more power to you sister!❤❤❤❤🙏🙏🙏🙏
Hi Xenia! My husband is divorcing me because I finally said, "NO!" when he tried to move me far from my support group...family & friends...and isolate me so he could have my undivided attention for however many years I have left. I am 71. Dr. Carter's videos have been a blessing to me!
The most dangerous kinds of people lie as much to themselves as others.
One thing you never want to do is, to lie to yourself. The doctor is right, be true to yourself, you're with it. Remember God doesn't make trash. He lives you so very much, He can't His only Son, Jesus Christ to die a cruel death for you and me because we are worthy of all His love.
And they believe their own lies!!!!. What a sickness it is. What a sickness.
If you're in a physically abusive relationship, though, or are afraid that the person can become so, get out! Also, if the person is emotionally abusive, get out!
From a rationally objective standpoint, is there a world in which i can balance her emotional abuse with a firm but fair slap at an occasional appropriate moment? Im not saying i want to do this. But i have spent a lot of time recently honestly reflecting about the nature of men and women and relationships and humans, and i genuinely think it would work, and in a relatively healthy way. I might be the crazy one.
@@jmlkhan5153 no.
Wanda Stokley i wouldnt be losing my cool. It would be the establishment of a firm boundary, after politer attempts to do so had/have failed. I would neither relish nor regret it, for it would not be a passionate outburst. It would simply be the necessary discipline. If adults wish to act like beasts, should they not be treated as such? It was their choice to adopt such an offensive attitude in the first place. (edited: this comment was originally a direct response to one made by commenter Wanda Stokley, who has since deleted that reply to which I was here replying)
@@jmlkhan5153 I guess that makes you the Beast then. 👹 Just so you know, normal adults in healthy relationships do not find it necessary to discipline each other. You cannot parent your partner.
@@wandastokley1871 Normal adults in healthy relationships, I agree. This is 2020, however. I am not going to presume to make judgments on yourself or your experiences, but from what I have observed in my life, 60% of men these days are narcissists and 95% of women are. Our culture has encouraged a state of affairs which, as we are all actively experiencing, is unbearable. I have looked into it extensively, and I have had to combat, at great cost to my own soul, my own innate "Gawain-like" attitude of chivalry, in concluding finally that "b-ches" (a term distinct from gender that exclusively refers to personality) sometimes need a slap. Be completely honest with me here. Have you never, not once, met an adult, a grown human, in the real world, who was in need of discipline? We are both here in this recovery community for a reason.
I’m going through the Pandemic with my mom. I truly understand now what she is. A full bloom Narcissist. I get it now. Why didn’t anyone tell me this. It took 42 years ! 🔪🤯🤬😡. Looking forward to my transition when I get outta here 🙏🏽
Yes funny enough my mother has some of these traits and I'm living with her during this pandemic, can you believe to escape my narc husband .we will escape I'm sure hopefully soon.
Dont feel bad Jenny it took me 50 years to figure it out, helped her and my sister for years w lots of money only to be BETRAYED in the worst possible way after walking away, false allegations you name it , been living in a tiny van 4 years after losing my home , reputation, EVERYTHING battling in court😭 I won thankfully BUT LOST SO MUCH , not only money but things money cant buy, I am at zero
I went to Therapy at 28 and found out my mom was a covert Narcissist and my sister is a Malignant Narcissist with Grandiose tendencies. Boundaries did not work but no contact did.
@Chris A. Medina I'll check it out thanks so much, ya my screen name was made up when I had just had the floor fall out from underneath me so my tiny brain was in zoom mode and I just made it up off the cuff so I could use you tube. Ya for sure do van life sounds like you "landlord" is a crazy one , get out fast those nancy types love to make crap up , they love love filling false police reports , 😤😤, if you need any pointers or ideas on van life let me know , I literally took a tiny crappy van and made it super nice inside for very little, I have a comfy bed, dresser , portable batteries for fans etc , keeps me warm in the winter and a little cooler in the summer, I had to figure stuff out as I went, came up w great inexpensive ideas, no one would realize how nice it is in here 👌👌👌👌👌👌👌 hope things get better for ya sooooooooon
@Chris A. Medina still just b careful w your "Nancy" my own mom n sis filed false ba on me that could have landed me in jail, THANKFULLY she kept contradicting herself , it's a long story, arf. NARCS have no shame and love to try and ruin ya , sometimes to their own detriment 🙄 Anyway, what kind of van life do you think you'll do? Small mini van or maybe a low roof full size, or maybe a tricked out tall roof? Theres a lot of options , theres a guy called DUAL XX I'll have to double check but pretty sure that's his chanel name , anyway he flips Van's hes on his 3rd now, takes older style club Van's and really builds them out hes a great one to get ideas from if you are able to use power tools and build, if you are going into a small van like me you literally can buy things to put in for a quick livable space in less than a day, theres chanels like Jerrod Tochi he shows other peoples fancy super nice builds, then theres an awesome chanel for first time van or even car life called CheapRVliving hes probably a good chanel to start w , great ideas, I didnt know these chanels when I started. Heres my email if ya want to see pics of the inside of mine nintrox1@gmail.com, I named her Betty lol 🌹Nina🌹
Living with my narcissistic ex husband was similar to living with the devil I had to sell my soul to him just to get through the daily abusive treatment .There is absolutely no autonomy,peace ,love ,or feeling of security .
This is so on point. ♡☆
I felt that way too. As if selling my soul to the devil
My wife is a narcissist and she used to be a psychic vampire. Now she wants me to teach her some black magick to use on her co-workers, because we caught them victimizing her. This world is has been soul sucked and the human condition is lacking love and light. 99% of people are some level of narcissists.
I know that feeling well!
Glad you got out, Nancy. It sure is an education.
“I want you to find peace, I want you to find you, and be true to who you are.” Such beautiful, touching words. The sincerity resonates so much. Thank you.
Thanks Dr Carter
I have gone from financially and psychologically dependent, to having my own home, my own business, my own car, and most importantly, my own relationship with my son. The fact that I receive no alimony makes me completely without ties to that family of narcissists; independence is worth more than all the money in the world if it keeps you subject to abuse.
God's blessings to you! M, 04/26/2021
I went thru a similar process. I waited for years for an inheritance that never came through; I loved my mother - but the last backward journey cost me my savings. I finally decided I had to make my own life work with no family. And they are still working to disrupt my life! How strange! They are still trying to tell me what to do! Still playing games with money! Too weird for words!
The Narc likes putting people in a box. The box is who they think you are. They will tell you who you are to your face. But you know what? Realizing this is freeing. It's very difficult but we need to be who we really are no matter what the narc says. Just like the Dr. just said! This video helped so much. ♥️
You get it! Dr. C
I was thinking just today how their game goal is power because they're addicted to power. They always have to feel superior, and so you'll notice them constantly working to "knock you off your high horse" or "cut you down to size" or "cut you down a notch". They use mental abuse and psychological warfare tactics, because that's how passive-aggressive people operate.
Yes, and the little "digs", and the withholding of compliments, and ignoring when you don't go along with them. It goes on and on.
Yes, the Narcissist in my life has a very Superior attitude.
so true. they accuse you of being passive aggressive, but this is ,at least, fighting back!
Carrie Red mine prevents me from addressing her superior attitude by constantly accusing me of being the arrogant one.
All 2yr. Old thinking children WANT ATTENTION!!! Attention is POWERFUL. BABIES CRY & SCREAM FOR ATTENTION. FEELS SO GOOD!👍 PARENTS WANT THE BEST FOR THEIR CHILDREN. CHILDREN ENJOY ATTENTION. GET THEIR WAY!! Little demons /appear BIGGER than LIFE!!! Toddlers are UNDER TRAINED. UNTOUGHT. UNTRAINED. UNCIVILIZED BASIC CIVIL MANNERS NEED TO BE LEARNED. OK!!! The OLDER. HOW did the school miss out?????? Blue collar Workers are like.. 👎👎
You don't have to be with them for them to be with you. I had a fairly short but intense romantic relationship with one last year and that woman will be in my head for a while yet. You can't help but try to work out what the hell was going on. They are just a mass of contradictions, manipulations, and lies. They are very dangerous and cruel lying people. Not people you want to be around.
Yes, they want to live in your head forever. Without paying rent. Its pretty awful. Sending you love, it does get better. Kind of, lo! At least you know what's going on now and that helps. l
ally wolf Yes. They would never give you closure. They see that you found closure for yourself and they want to tear that down with cruelty and then discard you with no closure, so that they would feel somehow better about themselves. They are nuts, really.
Amen to trying to work out what was going on. I can’t make sense of it and am aware of that, but find myself in a spiral of confusion and hurt
@@daniellegrimm2355 it takes a long time to heal. Avoid them at all costs and block them everyway possible. No matter how you "feel" act like it doesn't bother you at all. If there is contact, record it or document it. Do not let them come back to apologize, explain or anything else. If you leave the tiniest crack they will find it and return to haunt you when you finally start to get better. If you havent heard The Little Shaman yet, find her channel. These people have no love. The only thing they love is to destroy you. I was raised by one and the utter devastation it wreaked on my life is unbelievable. The longer you stay or try to deal with it, the worse it messes you up and the more power they receive. Run!!! And start working on developing unmovable boundaries!! They reason you feel confused and hurt is because that is exactly where they want you!!
yep the nastiest people
1. I want to relearn the patience I've lost through trying to convince the narcissist I'm a capable person. 2. I want to be free of co-dependency. 3. I want to trust people or be around people that are trustworthy, intellectual and have a high emotional IQ. 4. I'd like to not look back in anger. 5. I want peace and stability 6. I NEVER want to be a victim again 7. I want to be proud of accomplishments, not feel the need to live up to other's expectations. 8. If all goes to plan and I rebound successfully, I never want my ego to get out of control like certain members of my successful family. 9. To live and let live. 10. Heal 11 Be myself, I cant be anyone else. 12. Not forget the narcissists and the positive things I learned being around them, because many of them are sensitive caring people, however screwed up by their own personal experiences.
I LOVE THIS!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️. Thank you!!!!!!
I feel as though this comment is someone who really was with someone they know is not a horrible person but when found out really was totally confused and wanted to know how to fix it and is now finding out with or without these videos I have been saying these things and explaining these feelings. These videos show me why I am feeling like I am the one holding us together and that he has told me these things over the years and we both have said low blows but there is no way a person can know everything and it is just crazy how a person will try and mold everyone and everything. I am being showed what it means to doubt self. I could never explain this to anyone because it sounds crazy to me already. I feel crazy watching these fucking videos. 💙
@@longauldin462 Crazy is what entertainment paints life to be like; people like to make labels on what is and what isn't crazy based on reality TV or Hollywood in general; which is usually an exaggeration of life! Watching video's on narc's or codependents doesn't make you odd the slightest. The more you reach out to support groups online or therapy i.e the better! It's all about learning boundaries and learning how to say NO to manipulators without being bated into their gaslight (mocking, teasing bating); It's literally empowerment (people compare it to the Matrix movie, once you take the little (blinder's off pill), reality opens up before your eyes and your world is never the same again... I caught an Overt Narc in action about a month ago. Took the abuse with a smile, then blindsided him back with the truth; in true fashion he responded by rallying his pawns and created a HUGE mess with his mouth; one that I am still trying to pick up all the pieces and may never. HE DELIVERED a massively toxic blow while we were breaking happy news; because thats what they do! Learn about triangulation (you'll understand how bullies work their magic in groups of people; learn about gaslighting and stonewalling too).
This 'you are you' sounds just like a narcissist.. I dated a vulnerable/covert narcissist and he was always saying "I am who I am" He was all about himself - no genuine empathy, a momma's boy, selfish, withholding, controlling and he never self-evaluated.
I'm planning " Escape from Alcatraz " and know it's going to be pure BLISS.
I admire you.
Vatr Weaver--escaping from Alcatraz is NOTHING in comparison to my escape from PURE HELL with satan. But I ESCAPED and every day I am STRONGER healthier and BETTER
@Maria Pellicier Well, nobody escaped from Alcatraz, and there is unknown numbers of Devils, and unlike yours, my destiny or fate is written in stone.
@@vatrweaver5169 Are you alright? Are u going to be alright? Do u have a plan? Do u have help? Are you safe? Can u get help? Are u in NY or near by?
@@mariasartzis-pellicier1723 Thank you Miss Pellicier for asking ❤. I'm OK, I ment to say that I couldn't and didn't choose my addopted parents. We could only argue which Devil is preferable 🤯
Sometimes you can't fix broken people without becoming broken yourself.
No. You can’t fix broken people. Period.
Jolene Little this 😭
Jolene Little ... You cannot fix them, do not even try… Work on yourself and love yourself… And consider setting boundaries or leaving them!
It’s not our job to fix anyone but ourselves. That’s all we can and should work on: ourselves.
The co dependents' lament--
I left a narcissist once but didn't want to leave without explanation, so I sent her an email. She responded by forwarding that email to everyone I know and then posted it on Facebook for all to see. It was humiliating. So, please don't make the mistake I did. Don't explain or respond to texts or phone calls, just leave. Go no-contact PERIOD.
Sir, may I just say... That I shared your video with my narcissistic husband. He has entered himself into counseling. I have decided to leave the marriage after many years of turmoil. However, the break through that I have been wishing for him to see has finally been achieved by your videos. You have a great talent for helping others.
I am proud of you, and look to what you have shared as an example of strength. I had started talking to my ex about being a covert narcissist, and from what I saw, he believed to be quite shocked that both him and I felt these things described him perfectly. I had hoped for a break through... Had hoped for reason to stay...it didn't get better, and maybe I got to worn down to try any harder. Today I finally managed to escape, and take all my furniture from his place. I hope he seeks help... I hope he doesn't continue to inflict himself on others who just try to care and love.
When you said You are You so many times it made me feel like crying. It's so true that the Narcissist just tries to control everything. Thank you for that.
There is so much talk about how evil and hopeless and pointless narcissist are it's scary because if we have lived with that narcissist for so long we start to behave like them and there are times we become narcissistic...and there we are in the peripheral of people treating us like we are narcissist and hopeless and not worth trying to help...
They convince you you are like they say and not how you actually are. The best way to break this grip is by doing the first thing you think always. Is kinda like writing with an ink pen and not with a pencil.
@@RodrigoMera exactly. Don't give yourself the chance to whirl around in The Big Mindfuck they've placed in you
I need help in getting out
Shoshanna Corner I did too. I can’t tell you how to walk your journey but I’ll tell you what I did. I kept listening to information like this video. I kept seeking people with healthy marriages and asking them questions and trying to learn how to think differently. I went to celebrate recovery battered women’s group and did my 12 steps. It has not been easy. I have had to be determined to seek peace in my own life and then that allows me to share a life experience of boundaries grace and peace to my children. Honestly though sometimes I question if leaving my ex was the best thing for my children because the influence he had on them was so devastating when I was not there.People told me I should leave and I wanted to provide another life for my children. He was very abusive in many ways and arrested for felony spousal battery (on me). I am on like most battered women and I never went back to him and I’m proud of myself for that. However he did get some custody and his narcissism drew the children into him when they were older out of his guilt and manipulation and religious judgment on me. That was something I did not factor in. The alone time they had with him without me there to be the buffer any longer did massive amounts of damage. It’s such a hard call and I have no answers even today. And I left him 20 years ago. And yet just yesterday his narcissistic effects on my children which affects my relationship with them and my grandchildren continues to have to be walked through.
You just have to stand up to them then leave forever. They turn into whimpy little babies when you do. Fact.
Yes, but be prepared to be called abusive. I mean practice your response to that before hand. Once that doesnt work to shut you up, once you are prepared to be their abuser, they will back down and be afraid of messing with you.
Amazing Supergirl THAT IS 1000% TRUE.
My husband is like this. But it’s subtle to medium. Like chipping at me little by little for 30 years. I’m tired and worn out
It is really sad that my own mother is that kind of a type. It is the grief of my lifetime.
They looooove to gaslight. They think it gives them power
Indeed, one of my narcs does this every time I talk to them, which is about every day. The other is more self aware or covert and does it when I turn my back.
Notta Popeye Chicken Sandwich I feel you my friend. I am so confused I can’t tell up from down. And then the hoovering...😢
@@lovemrj4ever sorry
Notta Popeye Chicken Sandwich Thank U🙏🏻💖
I would just laugh at him and say, "Is that right?". And then go about my business. And if he asked cornering questions, I would say "I don't know", or "I'm neutral on that"...which would frustrate the heck out of him. Inside, I would think, "You don't have the privilege of hearing my thoughts anymore".
One day the narcissist will be going too far and that’s gonna help you.
That's happened to me 3 times Myriam. My mother in law went too far one day. My husband went too far one day (after lots of years) and my daughter has lately gone too far (she is 46). I have been surrounded by these critters. I have always had a strong sense of myself, which is good, but I know I have missed out on a lot.
@@janewalton2901 hi jane It’s by Pema Chodron and it’s this: ‘Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.’ I wish you well Kisses from France
@@myriamdimakopoulou6299 bio
Absolutely I hope it comes soon
Too far only means death...and narcs tend to live longer then good people...
I’ve disconnected ... I’m busy, I don’t have the time , I’m out, ... I have no intention in connecting ... the narc does not know this 👍
When its family getting away from them is the easy bit. The guilt and destroyed self take longer!
Acceptance will do it! Accept that they don’t change and never expect anything but the worst from them!😭😭🥳🥳🥳Sets you free from narcs grip, lol 😂,every time!😭😭
Narcs have no value & nothing to offer. Cut them off & out of your life.
Anita Rohm Facts🔥🔥!! I’m so happy 😁 we all agree... Thanks to everyone that like(s) my comments...I appreciate it🥰.
agree
It all about healing the original wounds from childhood
Agree
" I LIKE ME " Once you realize this about yourself, the bad stuff washes over you.
My domineering abusive mother once said to me: " I'm not trying to run your life. You can do anything you want. All I ask is that you run it by me first."
Classic!
That is hysterical. "I don't care, just be sure that you are aware of my need to control you"
Lol. Today he asked me "why can't you just go with the flow" I replied "only dead fish go with the flow." Got a chuckle (genuine). He's had treatment though.
@Linda P. Yeah he is a true narcissist and he was diagnosed as a sociopath he spent 20 years of his life in and out of prisons but then he had his last bout with prison and attended a treatment program which he went through twice which they put everybody through twice that goes in anyway he was successful in his treatment however one thing is with narcissism and this kind of diagnosis is even once they have had treatment they slip and slide around sometimes he also had a serious drug addiction problem and we both have PTSD but because he has had treatment our relationship has a workability about it that I do not see in many of the stories I do attribute it to the program that he was in and I have learned a lot and I often use some of the tools he has shared with me it has been really good for me because it helped me to get off drugs.it is hard sometimes when he slides but I often just need to remind myself that people don't always do what we think they should and that there is no need to get emotional about something that really isn't my issue after all most of the time now I can pretty much peg what is really bothering Pete depending on the circumstances but sometimes it is hard to determine if I know what is bothering him I offer gentle support and loving kindness and when he is difficult to deal with I simply withdraw and I don't get emotional about it it's called detachment it is really a good tool to practice I don't have to stop loving the man I love but I don't need to be attached to his emotional issues.I really love these videos because some of the tools they offer have been very helpful last week we were talking and he went into word salad mode I simply said Pete I don't want to speak with you in word salad mode he simply realized that whatever his goal was he was not accomplishing it and started having a normal conversation with me so I am just practicing these tools and I am grateful to have them it has made a big difference in my life I wish you well also but yes he is a true narcissist. there may be many that cannot be saved or are not willing to look at their part in their problems in life but one of the most important things Pete had to learn in that program was to take personal responsibility for his part and things no it's not 100% that he is able to do this and maybe less than a lot of people but sometimes when I went in argument he just goes silent and that's okay because then I know I won. We did have an issue with the masks but he has been wearing his and he has decided that he will get the vaccine after all lol I just helped him see what his own best interest is in the situation. it is a really good tool I have been using I kind of picked it up as my own method of coping it is easier for them to put themselves in their own shoes this makes it much easier to deal with them when it comes to important issues and I have learned how to choose my battles I wish everybody well thank you for replying
One more comeback to my list, thanks!😀
@@wandah9468 Getting ready to GTHO ASAP hope you are well.
@@robertataylor5794 Hey!!!😀waddya doing? Most of the time on this channel I try to keep it light, why add to the darkness we know so well? Knowing your rights is key and I wont try to address your situation here. I dont do social platforms, except here. I want you to feel like you aren't compromising your anonymity here. You know "Narcs anonymous" Getting out. I guess my favorite movie,(but I dont need to watch it anymore!!!) would be, "The Shawshank Redemption." Minus the sewer pipe. Your mileage may vary. So, in clowning around here I might have offended some people who think I should take the subject a little more seriously. Once again, the darkness.... sorry I cant go down there too much, and neither should you. "Dont let it get too dark", widespread panic. Movies and music. Works for me. And Taoism, lately. Yep, right here on YT!
🦃🦃🦃🦃🐓organic chicken to die for!!!!🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃burp!🐷 HAPPY TURKEY DAY! Think of the money you'll save at Christmas because you talked politics at Thanksgiving!!! 😂🤯 🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃
Very true..you have to give yourself dignity,civility and respect..because you will never get it from a narcissist
very true, i have already lost myself.
Amen
Here's my sign, my narcissistic wife just used sarcasm, belittlement, criticized me for listening to this. Why? Cuz she knows better.
If she's such an expert why isn't she raking in the dough for her brilliance?
The Devil will always say the truth is a lie.
I'm myself again, and it feels good
After decades and decades I am tired, exhausted, broken and crushed, but now I have understanding of what is going on, what I am dealing with and in doing so it has given me a certain ( very small) amount of peace regarding my self again. I have been belittled and trodden over for so long that I will never recover but I do know regardless of their opinion that i am worthy.,regardless of their opinion, I am worthy. That is something that I should be given instead of having it stripped off me.
I was married to a narcissist... when he gave me the silent treatment, I jumped on my Harley and hauled ass down the road in a heartbeat.😹😹👍🏽
Nice!
When I get the silent treatment, I go work on my secret fixer upper!
Good for you !!
Mine stopped doing it after I stopped reacting negatively to it. He used to do it for days, at one point there was just a cycle of fighting and silent treatment. I began to wind him up on purpose, ie blatantly not doing what he told me to, just so he would get angry and I could do what made him mad; psychoanalyze him haha...then he would "punish me" by freezing me out for days and I would go downstairs and jubilantly punch the air and plan what I was going to do with hours or days of being ignored :) ...he soon cottoned on
and realised that I wasnt seeing his actions as a punishment :( bummer really :D So theres the thing, you can figure out how to not be afraid or bothered by their behaviour, you can indeed learn to use it to your advantage or better still you can learn how to be ok with it. Your reaction is often the only thing thats worth the energy it takes to change.
I have to tell myself, over and over... "I am an ACTUAL PERSON."
Very helpful video. 1. Make you feel foolish. 2. Make you justify your decisions. 3. Filter your decisions through her. 4. Isolate you. 5. Invalidate you. 6. Punishing you.
I am dealing with an ex daughter in-law who continues to move the goal posts regarding contact with my grandchildren. Now she has changed contact where she will not allow me to have contact sleep overs at my home for my grandchildren.. she has now advised if I want to see my grandchildren I have to see them at her home. Supervised by herself. She has been the abusive parent in the relationship & uses fear violence & intimidation to get people to do what she wants.
Narcissists are evil...I’ve lived with my husband for 30 years and finally finding the resources to make a life for myself. Please take care if you are in a relationship with a Narc...it’s wonderful to live true to who you are I agree...but the Narc in my life is aggressive so no way would I stand up and speak MY truth to him... I have to escape to somewhere he will never find me...😢 Stay safe is my advice ❤️
Yes I will be glad when I can get away too and u said it u have to have resources and enough to escape
My heart breaks for you but please don’t stop trying to get away! Stay safe - do you xo
sara reade my mum was in your exact position with my violent Overt Narc dad. She’s 81 now and still with him and he’s probably worse in his old age as he is a total recalcitrant. I know what you are saying. A malignant Narc is almost impossible to get away from as they are so aggressive and controlling and then they will stalk you if you do manage to get away until you come back to them. My dad always stalked and love bombed my mum until she would cave in and go back to him with us 2 kids. It used to break my heart because I was so desperate to see her happy, and of course to get away somewhere safe from my violent dad. I shall pray for you if you don’t mind... God will make a way for you to escape if you put your trust in Him. He loves you and wants you to be happy... He came to set the captives free. I got away from my ex Narcopath husband after only 5 years only because of God!! Hallelujah!! So please keep praying and God shall help you! Much love and many blessings to you dear Sara.🙏🏼✝️🕊💖💖💖
File police reports, let him know you have sent his texts, etc. to friends, a lawyer. Find a gated community, a doorman building, get a dog. Stay far away from him.
My idea: Practice not asking 'why' questions. ❤️
Couldn't agree with you more. The why question is the doorway into an argument, and guess who will get squashed. Dr. C
Thank you. That's been my mantra lately.. No more whys!!
The narc. Banned the word why from my vocabulary. I don't find it fair that I'm just to agree without an explanation.
I agree except you can use it to turn things around. As in... Why would you ask me that? Why would you say such a thing? Why are you accusing me of anything?. This puts the onus on them. Let them answer their own questions while you sit back and listen to their word salad for justification. They may not like a taste of their own bs so be prepared to dig in.
I quit asking any questions...
5:40 "If the narcissist attempts to hold you down for mistakes you made in the past, you get to live in forgiveness, acceptance, etc." That is so simple yet so poignant. Thank you Dr. Carter!
I decided to STOP the Toxic relationship in order to find a better future .
Funny thing. Next to me bed is a note I wrote 2 years ago. At the top, it says: Remember who you really are, not how he makes you feel! It was an intense, extreme relationship. Constant drama, chaos, confusion and danger. When his mask dropped, we had already gone through so much, a lot to do with his job. But the abuse escalated at mindblowing speed. And I went from being his closest friend, devoted to me to enemy #1 even though it was others that had done wrong to him. I stuck by him not fully accepting he was a narcopath until it got so severe, every hour. I wrote the above after he had gone awol for a couple of days. Whilst with him every day my head felt like exploding out of my skull, constant nausea to the point of vomiting, insomnia, extremely high anxiety, panic attacks, hyperventilating. Even those brief days apart I felt ill but from the moment we started talking together, all those symptoms came back full and hard. And I wrote that after about 6 hours of talking. I finally ended it a month later. Years later and tbh there’s no way I can talk about what happened. It makes me feel ill just edging towards it. Much love to other survivors
I have been no contact for 4 years. My marriage was 4 decades long with so much manipulation and gaslighting, betrayal in every way imaginable. But this 4 years has been an awakening, as there are many new friends that are healthy and rejoice in my company, no drama with my loving family members that have stayed with me. No self doubt and anxiety about who I am. It is an eye opener! Without my X, my life has been peaceful. Wow! I feel all the craziness of the past was not me. It was me trying to walk on eggshells and stay safe. I feel that I have come home to me. You need to have faith at the beginning of this journey, that life can be better. But I must admit, no one could have convinced me of it through the soul crushing pain, of leaving. I wish everyone peace in their lives.
Love your words and truth. I'm working on that faith. And my personal relationship with myself ☺
Go Marie Rose!!!!
My life with my mother was nearly 4 decades long and it's been a year and a half since I realised about her and broke free of our relationship and free from the hopes and expectations of ever being able to please her or make her happy. I stopped doing things for her and stopped giving her my energy and time, and redirected them into sorting my life and doing things I always wanted to do. Have felt so much more peace than ever before.
@@meera2531 I congratulate you for your courage, Meera. Years ago, I read a book called , "Toxic Parents" and it helped to release me emotionally. My parents did not care about me in the slightest but I did not have the courage to walk away, before they died. There is so much strength in that, to take back your life. I still try to have compassion for myself and ask all the time, is this feeling right now, my programming or is it really the person who I AM ? Freedom is like an awakening. Continued Peace in your journey.
@@marierose6792Thanks Marie. Sadly this realisation and awakening started happening 4 years ago after I lost my father who was a good and empathetic man. But such is life. Freedom and peace are priceless. Peace on your journey as well. ❤️
I was isolated and covertly punished with manipulation. Kicked him to the curb last Tuesday!! Just go NC if at all possible
Keep playing that "Glad Game," Pollyanna! I'm sure you're so glad you decided to stop with the abuse. M, 04/26/2021
My narc mother once asked me a personal question and I replied " why do you ask?". She INSTANTLY broke into a rage and screamed " don't ask me why, just answer my question, you don't get to ask me questions!!". 😂😂 Unbelievable
Where did tat defensiveness come from? This is a damaged person. Dr. C
My 62 year old father has been running a smear campaign against me for months. Even if you are aware of their tactics and have gone no contact, it can be very taxing on your sanity. I have to tell myself repeatedly that happiness is not caring.
My narcissistic loved one always tried to divide and conquer my siblings and me. Always said things like - everyone says that about you - everyone thinks that way. It wasn't until I actually started talking to my siblings and making sure we were on the same page that I understood this was not true. Every time i'm around my loved one she will put one of us down. I just don't respond to it. Since I am me - and I have been trying to find a healthy way of living - I don't engage in the gossip. I am round them when I can be (emotionally - when I feel pretty strong and self assured), other than that quick phone calls to check in are all I can manage. I hope this is helpful. I just found discussing with my siblings what was really being said was eye opening. No one felt that way about me. It has made me closer to my siblings, as well.
@@austinseagrave9406 Kris says "what other people think about you is none of your business" so you have to take an I don't care attitude. people talked behind your back, people gossip always have always will. not our problem to stop it because we can't! simple as that. I now say "anyone that believes lies about me without asking me first about it isn't my friend so I don't care what they think" no matter if family, friend, acquaintance or foe. don't care!! people will believe what they want to be true. most people if they have half a brain KNOW that the narc is nothing but a GOSSIPING LIAR and pretty much don't remember half of what they say. but a good person will defend one they know is good to a narc but then that puts them in a bad situation that most people don't want to be in but probably are anyway .. the next topic of the narc! and it never ends until they die! so very sad that they just want to destroy people or at least their character in the eyes of others if they can fool them.
One thing that helped me is realizing that they actually to some degree have distorted perceptions of reality. They genuinely believe they are the center of the universe. ...And they don't "get" that you could feel differently. So they feel extra threatened and take everything extra personally, and are therefore extra aggressive towards you. ...Observing this clearly, takes a sense of it being personal that they attack you then. They are actually kind of sick. Ego-sick people. ...Then you can detach from how they act. ...For me, I pretty much treat my family like colleagues. I learned (after a long time) how to detach from them and the above reason was a big part of how I got to do it at last. This understanding clicked for me. I think it is like finally believing: "It really isn't about me then...." ...Makes it easy then to let their abuse be 'water off a ducks back'. ...It also, sort of caters to their world view, really too: since they are effectively children who need an adult to do all the psychological heavy lifting for them... and will hold you at gun point (so to speak) until you step up to the challenge and learn to do this for them. ...Not to say that you are not an adult psychologically speaking, but that maturity wise they need someone who makes up for their lack of maturity. ...It's a lot of work to do and a lot of security in you self; I notice how few everyday people out in the world manage it. Which is why someone like Dr Les is so valuable.
"you are you" anyone who sees this, please remember this. ☺️
I cried at the last sentence. I imagined he was talking to me. I can't imagine peace though.❤
Master your instrument, master your music, then forget all about that and just play... your own way.
Yes, first mastery and then play from *your* heart
One thing I know to be true. A narcissist cannot influence me, if I don't value their opinion of me.
Agreed. Mine seemed to think that I based my identity on his approval of me and got livid then despondent when in his own words he couldn't control me. Apparently his inability to make a puppet out of me so enraged him that he threatened to kill me. My pig headed belief that I deserve to be treated well and overall stubborn nature served me well.
@@msmandie101 Yes! Yes! Sometimes my stubbornness works for me .
Married 18 years to a narcissist. Not allowed to work have friends. Talk to the neighbors. Just got divorced. Feel like I just got out of jail. Didn’t know about gaslighting or mind games. Help me get my identity back😞🙏
Victoria Chalita, Ask Jesus Christ to live in your heart. There is freedom, peace and healing. He loves you so much, that is why He dies on the cross for you Victoria and rose again 3 days later. Be Blessed!
When you marry a narcissistic you are deprived of a husband /wife. You have no marriage. You live in a cage like a caught animal. A lot of these videos have helped me. It is like having pts.
The last time I talked with one I simply just said I don’t want to play that game and walked away.
Been there, done that. What made it easy was the inevitable realization that they do not care about you. They only love power. It made it easy.
They only care about / love themselves; no one else, ever.
They aren't capable of loving other people. It isn't about the rest of us, it's about what they think they want or need from us. Move away or move on if possible. If you can't, then try to learn how to cope with them when you must interact. Either way, remember that you are a human being who has a right to live your own life, make choices, have friends, and go about your own business, just like every other adult human being. Learn to value yourself as much as you value anyone else that you love. You are worthy.
Thank you. NPD’s are so miserable to live with. Argumentative and defensive and indifferent, and lies, lies. Lack gift of acknowledgement. Sneaky, they give only to get. They separate themselves from humanity with no empathy and diminished feelings. I am going to wear the mantra: YOU ARE YOU.
I often wondered why my husband is such a negative person. Now I understand. He's a narcissist. Wow I didn't know there was a name for his personality. Thanks!
It’s like being a blood donor to a vampire.
If you're Mother is/was a narcissist, and your loving Dad asks you to tolerate it when you visit & have to interact with her... you are NEVER free ... until she dies. That was my life, until I was 62. I'm FINALLY FREE. !!
I live 500 miles away from my mother. Talked to her today. She proceeded to try to tell me what I need to do and when I need to do it by saying I need to update her on all the tasks she's giving me. Acted like I was an idiot who didn't know how to life. I just stopped talking since she wasn't listening to me anyway. And when she realized I was not going to play her game and have no problem not talking to her, she finally moved on to a different topic. She is so controlling. Honestly, how did I survive her?
This is a truly AWESOME video. It sums up my narcissistic mother unbelievably well! For my entire life, she treated me as a piece of property, a possession...with no rights and no right to have my own thoughts, feelings or actions. My life was supposed to be lived the way SHE wanted it to be lived. From childhood, she told me that I would never win against her. I was kept isolated from other family members and outside friendships... with her having all the control. I was never allowed to grow as an individual nor was I allowed to do anything that would make me 'better' than her...such as go to college. It took me 40 years to break away from her...going no contact. I went to college, traveled, married and bought a beautiful home that was beyond anything I thought I could ever have. I wake up every day feeling blessed. When I achieved these things, my mother tried to make me pay the ultimate price by slandering my name and reputation to anyone who would listen...but I don't care. She can say whatever she wants about me and others can believe it. I am FREE and I refuse to EVER give that freedom up. Finally...I WIN!!!
TaDarling1 Have you ever read the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers"? Best book I ever read.
Hey, bravo👍 Good for you and good luck!
Omg...this is me...a constant competition with my mother...no college...I’d get a promotion at work and her response? “Ha! YOU?! You sure have them fooled!” I was raised on guilt-if I wanted fair treatment, I was forced to my knees to pray until I cried. The gaslighting, the insults-I was a size 2 and told I was fat (“to keep you from GETTING fat...you’re welcome!”). So messed up. And now I am her caretaker. It’s horrible-she says horrible, untrue things about my father. She manipulates...so vain she keeps a mirror on her coffee table and watches herself as she converses with me. Any accomplishment I am supposed to owe to her. I’m trapped. I’m becoming someone I don’t want to be and I have to get a grip on this situation. Apologies for my rambling...been a hard few days.
@@TheMrsWarhol That's what a toxic relationship does...it ends up turning you into the type of person you don't want to be. My mother is elderly also and I have had no contact with her for about 3 years now but I really feel for you having to be the caretaker of a narcissistic parent. She probably makes you feel like you 'owe' it to her and yet nothing you do will satisfy her. Just from your post, you seem like a sensitive caring person, so it would likely be 'extremely' difficult for you to estrange yourself from someone that you are a caretaker of, even when that person is toxic to you. Perhaps you can start to heal by looking for a therapist to help you 'deal' with your current situation until you can extract yourself without feeling guilty. Take one day at a time and know that there are people out there that will support you in whatever you feel you need to do for your own well-being and to live a better, more fulfilling life.
@@TheMrsWarhol I am so upset about your post. You are a captivating, BEAUTIFUL soul...i suffered the same fate at the vicious, cruel comments my mother spit at me every chance she got. Please know that there is a life after you decide to walk away. You CAN heal and feel worthy of all the love and friendship you DESERVE. God Bless you❤
It took me sixty years to figure it out but I finally did. I’m in control now and don’t fall into their trap.
Sooo true. Do not reply to anything their twisted thinking projects onto you. What they accuse you of is usually true of themselves.
I live above a 90 yo narcissist. I have watched my own ego death and gone through the dark night of the soul while she publicly discussed anything she heard or knew about me...true or not. I have had one face to face conversation with her in four years. I am stronger for this experience and I thank you for your teachings. I have deeply examined my life to figure out what I have done in the past to bring this into my life at this point. What a ride.
I called his bluff and he trapped himself. He had to leave to save face. Solved everything.
aalbertsr thank you 🙏 just what I needed to see . Great advise
Me as well. I quit playing the game, he started spending more time away from home (he was an OTR driver), and then finally accused me of trying to sabatoge him, among other awful things. He was out the door the next day. I gave him no choice.
It’s amazing it’s taken me so long to accept this truth at 65. But, the good news is I have been given permission to be me and it’s videos like this that has set this ole girl free. Once again, thank you Dr. Carter.
yes! the sad part is it took us so damn long to get here! all those years of suffering! found out my mum is a narc at age 52 and still took 8 more years to realize this is what she is going to be forever because she just keeps getting worse!!! don't you dare have an opinion that is not the same as hers! don't you dare try to tell her anything unless she asks first because she knows everything already! and what she asks is just her getting DATA to use as her own because she really doesn't know much of anything or can't retain memory of what she used to know so you are her brain and then when she picks your brain your ideas of what something might be etc. becomes HER IDEAS to those she's still trying to impress with all her knowledge! telling my childhood stories as her own. she's just pathetic!!! so I finally accept the truth. she's the one my dad said was "CRAZY" and I'm not the bad person she tells everyone I am .. SHE IS! and if they don't want to see the truth that's THEIR PROBLEM! We deserve to rediscover who WE ARE and BE THAT!!
My narcissistic husband topped the charts for manipulation, gaslighting and cruelty. Married 40 years to a man who did the approach/avoid scenario where he would love me then hate me. I got stuck on his rat-wheel and seriously trauma bonded with him. He took advantage of my chronic illness and used it as a weapon to keep me sick and under his thumb. Rage was his delight. After moving out in 2014 and returning, then changing the locks on the house in 2016, and moving out again in 2018 and returning (both times due to ill health), I finally got him removed with a restraining order in May of 2019. He has made the divorce process unbearable as you might expect. Dr. Carter, bless you for sharing your knowledge and understanding. I am trying to uncover who I am or once was. Your talk truly resonated with me. You are wonderful and so is Laura.
I’m totally alone after being married to and raising narcissist..so sad
I am so sorry. I understand the pain and the loneliness. Hoping and praying peace into your heart and that the Lord heal your broken heart in Jesus name. Be Blessed Justine.