10 Indicators That A Person Cannot Be Trusted
Trust is one of the most essential ingredients for any thriving, gratifying relationship. Some people, however, do not prioritize trustworthiness because of other self serving priorities. Dr. Les Carter identifies 10 distinct indicators to help you determine if a person can or cannot be trusted. By becoming aware and tuned into their schemes, you can avert future disappointments.
Dr. Les Carter is a semi-retired psychotherapist who spent 41 years in private practice in the Dallas, Tx. metroplex. He now resides in Waco, Tx. He has conducted over 65,000 counseling sessions, written extensively, and has presented many workshops and seminars.
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1. Superficial personal responses 2. Inability to learn from mistakes 3. Lots of unsolicited advice but don't receive input 4. Easily critical 5. Evasive about plans 6. Fair weather friends 7. Consistent inconsistency 8. Characterised by mismanagement of anger 9. Don't return kindness, empathy, tho' like to receive it 10. Like to talk about their successes but don't reveal or take responsibility for their failures.
Thanks for that, I wanted to write them down, because my ex had many of the characteristics.
This describes much of my family, Lord help me. I pray I am trustworthy. I believe I am, but if this is where I come from how could I be decent?
@@uke7084 we each choose who we want to be. You don't have to be like your family ... we leave the past behind and practice better habits. Honesty, loyalty, fairness and other good qualities are a choice. I choose integrity. Yeshua/Jesus and the Bible have been great teachers to me, and also noting other people's good management of difficulties, and KZheadrs Dr Carter, Dr Ramani for narcissistic abuse and Anna Runkel for overcoming the bad habits we developed if abused in childhood. Who do you want to be?
unsolicited advice
@@uke7084 Questioning your own virtue is a sign of a healthy mind. Keep reviewing yourself. Do your deeds match your words? Earn your own trust. If you are true to yourself, chances are you will be true to others. Your background may have influenced you but you are your own person. You've my vote of confidence.
Sometimes a person's past can make a difference. If they have trusted the wrong person or people they become guarded. They are nice people but they have been hurt many times. Trust should be earned and not taken for granted.
YES Too much betrayal leads to shut down
I totally agree !
There's nothing wrong with being cautious.
They don’t value your time, only their own!
I agree. Getting the impression that your time and effort is disposable, and is being ‘managed’ for you is debilitating.
@@stuporman75 They want to control everything and everyone!
Yes! So many times they intentionally made me late and I had to deal with the negativity that produced. I am very proud of always being on time and mindful of other folks' schedule.
@@janetstonerook4552 Brought back a memory of when we only had one car! I explained to him I had to go to the kids Elementary school to answer phones in morning! He got back so late, by the time I got there, my time would of been over! He said he ran into someone he knew that wouldn’t stop talking! He was the one that wouldn’t stop talking! They always shift the blame onto someone else! 😎❤️
My dad does this, I am no-contact with him and for other reasons. I deserve better than him for a father!
“A friend cannot be known in prosperity: and an enemy cannot be hidden in adversity.”
❤
TRUST your intuition, your gut feeling.
I think if people have been subjected to narcissistic abuse, then part of the fallout is a lack of trust, which is due to the narcissist's gaslighting and predatorial behavior!
I can agree with that, I’m still struggling with that lately. However, if you want to make new friends you have to be vulnerable to a degree.
I think you're right and I take every opportunity with genuinely friendly people, but as Dr. C implied (discernment), you can't afford to let these predatorial narcissists inside your head! If I told people what these narcissists had got up to, they'd be incredulous, which I think is something narcissists are dependent on!
Very true! 👍
Yes and that leads you to have more privacy as person for protection
Predatorial behavior will always destroy trust. It’s human nature to fight off predators, so our guts are naturally built to detect it as early as we are four year old. Covert narcissists are predators.
When someone has been misunderstood long enough, they figure out how to stop sharing personal information. It doesn't mean they are not trustworthy. It simply means they are learning who they feel safe to share with. Being evasive can be the same thing... they are trying not cause an explosion.
I became guarded after a narc bandmate and a "best" friend, who turned out to be a deceptive criminal drunk, put me through the wringer. I had noticed that being pretty much an open book, perhaps overly forthright, has saved me alot of hassle in some ways and created problems in others. So, I've been thinking over, how do I become both open and safe? I'm still sorting, but I think I have some good ideas on how to do this. I am looking for guidelines!
Over five decades in a narc family has left me feeling the same way. 🤷🏻♂️ Still looking for clarity on this. Good luck on your journey.
@@tiredperson6574 Excellent metaphor. I'll have to use that. 👍😎
@@sage9836 Read Dr. George Simon In Sheep's Clothing. I recommend radical authenticity. I read about it somewhere and it seems to work.
Everything you say can and will be used against you. Ask Jesus.
When someone shows you they are willing to break laws, they are not trustworthy. Thank them for showing you who they truly are, then RUN.
Should take your advice...He’ll I should have taken all the red flags as a sign I was getting into something that was doomed before it should have started...I married a passive aggressive covert narcissist with an alcoholic problem...I sure can’t trust him any more since he has proved himself over and over again for 23 miserable years...
We could add that people who deliberately 'misunderstand' what you say and turn it into an argument about your integrity are toxic people to avoid too.
Be guarded in all aspects of relationships ☺️ people are fickle.
Yeah:/ feels like a lifeless way to live But you know what can you do
You can be open and see how it goes. Have the confidence that you can be okay if you are betrayed. Them betraying you if that happens is on them, then you move on. Be prepared that it will happen, take the knocks and keep going in your authentic self.
They never engage in full-on gossip but blurt-out nasty comments about other family members or "friends" and then carry on like nothing nasty was said. This is the red flag that I ignored.
I agree. Not liking someone can be fine, but whenever someone talks bad about someone behind their back but plays at being friends to their face, I run! That kind of behaviour breaks trust in an instant.
People who cannot earn my trust are: 1# those who break their promises; 2# those who donot take responsibility for their behaviour and actions; 3# those who use goodness of others; 4# those who do others harm; 5# those who spread naughty lies about nice and good people with aim to hide their real nature Some of them are only immature and some of them are unfortunately narcissists. Dr. Carter, thanks for this up-coming interesting theme!
You'll find overlap between my comments on the video and what you list here! Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter Thanks for answer. Tomorrow I am listening to your video.
I like your list! I've had all of those done to me in the last few years. I'm also looking forward to this video because I guess I am naiive and need all the help I can get!
@@sheilajac Thank you! 🌞
Exactly Anesa! These are all of the reasons why my sister is not in my life. She is toxic.
I find competitive people untrustworthy. They are constantly looking to one up or sabotage you. If they aren’t successful with that, then they degrade out of jealousy.
The Unsolicited advice one and the Critical ones are spot on! These people may seem wise and very helpful at first, but after a while you realize they don't have good intentions.
Being private and not wanting to tell your business doesn’t mean you’re a snake in the grass
Agreed.
No but if it is your long time partner or your spouse that does not want to share personal details with you that could seem odd. A husband and wife should know everything about each other, especially if they have been together for many years.
@@susanmcguire4664 I agree with your point for the situation you've described, but the video does imply it's about making a decision whether to trust someone you're getting to know rather than spotting someone already deeply involved in your inner circle is up to no good.
Agreed
True & good point. But real relationships require trust, and that develops with emotional intimacy and vulnerability. I think he is referring to friends not acquaintances, discerning who should be which
I love the picture of the bear, that’s absolutely beautiful
Just because someone doesn't want to share personal doesn't mean they are not trustworthy.
I’m like that. I don’t reveal personal things about myself unless I trust others. They need to earn my trust. This doesn’t make me untrustworthy it speaks to my skills of discernment. When you’ve been a scapegoat all of your life you learn some things about people.
@@Moonbunny55 you explained it perfectly .... twice !
It's my opinion that Dr C simply forgot to insert the relationship length function, or the "intimacy depth" into this lecture. Because that man painting your hallway CAN be trusted with paint, but are you married to him?
@@mikediamond353 I really hope that's the case. I'm tired of feeling I'm damned when I do, and left out when I don't.
It depends on the nature of the relationship. It also depends on whether they hunt and sniff or throw out suggestions to see what information may come back to them from you if you respond to the suggestive cues. If they are trying to pull information out of you and share nothing real about themselves. They are likely untrustworthy.
It's important to not conflate a private personality with untrustworthiness. I'm an introvert who likes to hold his cards close to the best until I feel I can trust someone.
Exactly And a lot of people don’t like that. Especially if they want something from you... If you’re steady, and care about yourself enough to slow down and observe, some will start to treat you different because you didn’t follow their script.
I don’t trust you 🧐
Totally agree!! Over sharing can also be construed as violation of boundaries. Some people over share to get you to open up. I find people who over share not trustworthy.
Agreed.....
@@doctorartphd6463 I do agree as well. Revealing confidential personal information without having solid grounds to trust, compromises confidentiality.
Straight into the rude angry, ranting bs is the real cue. They ALWAYS have an opinion about everyone and everything and blame every wrong done to them by all others!!! Really the whole world
Coverts are not rude or angry, they are just snakes.
@@josephineananda yes the coverts are sneaky. Had one of those too ( unfortunately) dangerous
All school institutions should be teaching these truths! Thank you Dr C very, very helpful!
They aren't truths. For the most part, this was complete nonsense. Read the comments; there are a lot of reasons to be discreet and circumspect other than untrustworthiness.
not with the polish nuns u dont. god i spent enough days in that closet standing and dealing with my period with those ladies. they made me kneel in front of them and the boys in line to measure my shirt. punitive people dont deserve the hard truths. why do you think all thsoe people abused in the church kept their mouths shut so long dear.?
I've also been a victim of "foul weather friends". They come into your life when you have a problem and they want to empathize and help you solve it. However, they never reveal anything about themselves or let you help them with their troubles. Once your problem is "solved", they move on to the next person who needs their "help". You think you're making a friend when in reality you're just their current project.
Interesting equation
Those types are codependents. They are compelled to help, fix, rescue. They do not ask for help because they experienced childhood abandonment and had to learn very early how to cope on their own, as well as they learned to suppress their needs because they experienced childhood neglect. their caregivers demanded they meet the adults’ needs when they were children. Adversity and chaos is familiar to them.
Ten, huh? Well, there’s one thing that’s a dealbreaker for me now. If they lie. Can’t wait to learn the other nine.
Yes.#1
Right.
My X narcissist always answered a question I brought to him with a question ....so frustrating and twisted...a great way to avoid answering by changing the topic and redirecting the conversation. I did finally catch on to this tactic. I went grey rock without even knowing that was what I was doing. This saved my sanity and my life in the end.
Yes, Mary! I likened it to a soap opera! You ask Were you at the bar last night with Gary? Their answer Why do you ask? It’s very unnerving!!
It makes us explain ourselves even more. They asked me to take on more and more I told them therapy is difficult atm and they called it a excuse. Staying close here helps me with therapy thank u doc Carter.
Hugs. 🕊️💜🧠🔧🎶🎨Thank you Dr Carter and youtube. Today here, therapy twice a week, meds showed me I didn't know what or why I was in the wrong environments. I learned I met the family system I came from in adulthood. Being here to learn and grow takes away drinking. Last year today? I was medicated and self medicating with alcohol thinking I was doing ok. The light bulbs just blink answers, solutions and hope.
They can’t answer direct questions.
@@405OKCShiningOn that can be a trick by the narcissist if they recommend it to YOU. Why Bc they'll say hey look ur the crazy one not me ur the one in therapy not me so ur the problem. The narc can goto therapy come back and say the Dr said your the problem and they'll stop going.. These ppl just ugh
Yes. He never makes mistakes. It's always everyone else's fault. I know now when someone has no friends and family It's a big red flag.
This is not always true.. and is misleading! Many people who go through childhood abuse grow up in toxic families. This leads them to automatically attract friendships and relationships that are also toxic because they seem familiar and normal When the person wakes up and distances themselves they realise all the people in their life that they attracted are similar and need to be cut out This leaves the person isolated, alone and without family or friends Doesn’t necessarily mean that the person is toxic Most intellectual and spiritual people are also terribly alone because of how demanding their pursuits are People with Aspergers syndrome, Adhd or grave mental or physical health issues are also without friends or family because their life works at a different pace A lot of other factors can contribute to this no family, friends or connections factor Dark personalities re also known to turn people against their targets so that when the victim speaks the truth.. they are not believed.. leaving the person alone yet again
@@truthh8597 I am a private person now by choice. I choose my friends, they don't choose me. I'm more aware of red flags. Trust works both ways. When I see red flags, i back off from that person, when I notice red flags that tell me not to trust someone. I prefer to be alone than caught up in another toxic relationship with others.
Another indicator is when the person gossips. If the person is talking about someone else to you, chances are good he or she is talking about you to another person.
After many years of marriage I quit talking about most of my feelings because my husband would use all info as ammunition during any argument. He of course became empty too as he did more and more of that which he did not wish me to know about. We divorced. This talk is also about the loss of trust in a marriage as these steps you go through happen in slow motion over years.
Among many untrustworthy people, there are a few worthy of trust. I want to be a trustworthy person with dignity. Thank you always for your advice, Dr. Carter!
DRC- Dignity, respect and civility
Yes but couldn’t a person that’s been mistreated as a kid be hesitant to disclose a lot of their feelings for fear of being exploited, manipulated or abused again? It’s so confusing because a lot of behaviors are a result of being exposed to toxic people. Thanks Dr. C 🙏✌️
Very true. But being wary doesn't mean you are untrustworthy! Dr. C
Dr. Les Carter true! But I’ve heard other people say narcissists act wary lol I guess you just have to pay attention to their behavior to know if they’re a narcissist - Who wants to spend time on THAT!? 😅
@@SBecktacular the biggest indicator after two relationships with them, is the overly charming personality. It’s a good sign of manipulation.
Z C But a big portion of them aren’t charming but a- holes- There are a million flavors of the rainbow narcissists-no? Yah charming-that’s how they lure u to the web lol Sorry u went through that but I’m sure learned a lot. I have lol 😅
Peoples body language gives early clues
I realize why I always felt like I was in danger...I came from a family of untrustworthy people with the two main ones pretending to play the role of “parents “. My sister followed suit. My intuition was right and I always felt panicked around them and I was, in fact, put in dangerous situations when they forced me to follow their advice. You lose your “radar “ after awhile. I proceeded to get into a dangerous marriage and put myself in bad situations too. These lessons are invaluable for correcting bad parenting and learning to re-parent ourselves. Thank you.
Thank you for your honesty which helped me. I definitely lost my radar in my family of origin, but am trying to get it back, before I fall for another charming narcissist at work, at church or in the dating world. I hope you're doing well now.
Inconsistency, evasiveness, fair-weather friends - 💯 toxic behaviors
The words that woke me came out of the mouth of the narcissist that had abused me for a lifetime. He said nonchalantly and conversationally, “you’ve always wanted to be me.” To say that it blew me away is an understatement but at that moment it woke me and set me free. I’ve been recovering since that day.
Yea they rub off on you
One my narcs said "I wish you were more like me." He gave me a meaningful look, as if to say "You'd better take my advice now, before it's too late." You can probably imagine what I said in reply.
My entire childhood family can’t be trusted and I have some issues being trustworthy (according to this video) I’m here to work on this! Thank you Dr.! I need to teach my children healthy relationship by being a good example.
So TRUE!😃
Isolation Lack of role models Bitterness about why you were born where you were born Shame and guilt It’s never over
There are two kinds of people in the arena of conversation: complainers seeking problems and people seeking solutions. Those seeking solutions will listen to you. Those complainers are not looking for solutions. Everything is divided into two things: the make wrong people and the validators. The make wrong people don’t look for solutions. The validators are those who seek solutions. Then there are those people who like and dislike you. Those who like you care deeply and have a tendency to listen to you and validate what you speak of. Those who don’t like you will always find something wrong and anything you say will not resonate with you or them. The simple things I keep in mind is what I learned in scripture. Otherwise it just turns into verbal olympics. “ How can two walk together if they are not agreed?” A cat will never bark and a dog will never meow and a leopard doesn’t change his spots. With those people you have to make a determination as to whether it’s worth the time to engage in meaningful conversation that will either build a relationship or just be a “just passing through” type of relationship.
I'm on the fence about someone being too personal. I myself at times doesn't know what immediate plans I'll be having on the weekend. So my answer is usually the same I don't know.
Trust is built upon openness, honesty, accountability, self-disclosure.
it is, but my advice is to take it slowly. It takes time to build a relationship built on trust.
Until you have something you've disclosed thrown back in your face, and then are talked about behind your back.
Being superficial with personal disclosures or being evasive about personal plans wouldn't be a red flag in a professional environment where you want to keep things surface level and not personal. But definitely red flags if it's meant to be a personal relationship. The only other point I want to make is that depression, anxiety, and past traumatic experiences can cause someone to become consistently inconsistent, but that can change as they learn to manage/cope/heal their condition/issues. So some of these things are not necessarily red flags, but if you see a lot of them in the same person? Back away slowly.....
Regardless of my understanding and love for humanity, it still surprises me. Plus, I work in Behavioral Health at a military medical Center.
I had to stop predicting or agreeing to things. Life has become uncertain, unpredictable, and subject to the projections of others. It is a very difficult time. The "haves" really don't understand the "have nots". I am not certain that I can trust like I used to. I could give examples.......
Agreed unfortunately.
Ya, shit happens.
Appropriate intimacy. Reciprocity. Love your bullet points. DRC.
The indicators I look for are - are they a gossip - do they talk negatively about others? Because the minute your back is turned is the minute they are gossiping about you too. They don't own their own shortcomings but blame others for their own actions. They have a lot to say about what others aren't doing while sitting in the cheap seats doing a lot of nothing.
When people tell you who they are, believe them.
sometimes they show up in a crisis with a hidden agenda, creating an obligation
People with nothing to hide hide nothing.
Abusers don't interact or share anything they take lie cheat bully and want to waste your time and attention to them.give it to yourself.give self time.investment.learning and listening to your inner ear.your voice.not an abuser drowns it out.all the vest to you all and Dr led and yours.happy independence day pending.
they lie, or don't respond to direct questions with direct answers; they change the subject (deflect), shift blame, act aggrieved or deny/play dumb/stonewall. they don't look you in the eyes (and they are not autistic). One I am very familiar with is that they make "suggestions", or "imply" things without saying what they mean explicitly, aka guessing games. I'm not sure how many that adds up to, but I am too familiar with those indicators. Also - if they've lied, stolen, cheated in the past (more than a white lie) - they definitely can not be trusted!
Yeah. What you said makes me think. I knew one deceptive person who would make these really roundabout sentences to say the simplest things in ordinary conversation.. While these were not lies, it was uncomfortable to observe for reasons I didn't get. There was a twisted mind at work. Even the simple truth had to come out in a weird way.
@@sage9836 Schizophrenia? like word salad, kind of thing?
@@sheilajac I hadn't thought of that possibility. The person, for example, instead of saying what they meant, would wrap it up elaborate, like "It cannot be said that (something) is not true" instead of just saying it. This was only a tiny part of a big mess. I am going to look up schizophrenia.
Covert narcs appear autistic at first, which made it difficult for me to identify my ex as one, unfortunately. :-/
@@karolinagren5846 and vice versa apparently, there's a few behaviours that appear similar but have different roots
Thank you dr Carter. There are people who can not be trusted, they only exploit others and they must be avoided but sometimes they just will not leave you alone as they feel entitled to do whatever they find expedient. You feel like a prey they are eating alive and marvelling at the process. Terrible!
Is the entitlement that gets me
@@natoyabailey9439 Me too. Unfortunately, narcissists have a strong allergic reaction to the whole notion of equality.
That's a terrible feeling! I'm dealing with it right now, and it's no picnic! I have to sneak around, and change my routine in order to avoid the toxic neighbor. It's crazy!
LOVE YOU Dr. Carter! ❤️ Thank You. Have a Blessed 4th. 🙏🏼🇺🇸❤️
I will. We'll have some good time with various extended family members! Thanks. Dr. C
Coached junior soccer for years a very small number of parents could cause grief by constantly fighting with referree's , demanding their child play certain positions all the time even if kids are rotated,backstabbing,complaining etc . I became skilled at picking them early could usually tell in the first minute of meeting them and could let them go before final cut when building a team.
It is annoying when people at work ask how your weekend was and expect you to give a decent answer. It is work time and not random chit chat time. Also can be friendly but need to maintain professional boundaries. With close friends I do enjoy this question and outside of work time. Also not being open about what you have been upto can also be a self esteem thing - if you don’t think people will find it interesting or weren’t asking genuinely. In NZ asking someone how they are and what they have been upto is a pleasantry and it’s awkward if someone throws a curveball and says “I’m not doing well and this is what I did with my time”. Average answer is along the lines of “Good and nothing much”.
I can't even count the number of times that somebody has yelled at me about their faults when what they are doing is putting their problems on me. There are lots of people that keep having the same failures but never learn.
When they say "trust me" run away from that person.
Openness in general was a problem with my ex. I really didn't know who he was on the inside. It's difficult to trust someone then. Also, a quarrel was an immediate reason to end the relationship. Nothing was deeply discussed. No interest in my feelings.
I can relate. My wife is this way. Won't share anything. I love her. I am the one filled with love and trust. I am very fortunate. She is not filled the same way. Life has been a different experience for her. She expected me to succeed financially so that she could live in comfort. This is not her mother's era.
Yes. Takes a good while to feel any trust again with new people
@@keariewashburn4680 I know...I don't dare to date anymore. I've only had narc partners. :-(
It’s like being with a child right!!!
@@chrisw8627 Exactly!
You always have the best topics/content.
Dr Carter you and Gus are a breath of fresh air in this world full of narcissists, unkindness, trauma and tragedy.
Being consistently gaslighted and invalidated is absolutely no bueno.
Trust no one.
I just saw a video yesterday about the MRI of people who have childhood post-traumatic stress syndrome which showed their brains are triggered by the stress of getting ready. The emotional side of their brain gets more active and the rational part gets less active. That's why they are chronically LATE.
It is amazing how many people sadly have this level of/in almost every relationship. When I meet "real" people, people who are exactly like they are, I hold on tightly to those friendships and relatives and have for decades! I can count exactly how many of those trustworthy relationships I cherish. Thank you for this video Dr. Carter.
Dr. C., # 6. OK, let's keep things shallow, I'm catching on. PRICELESS! Thank you for bringing understanding to the vagueness. That clears up ALOT! Then. 🙁 Now. ☺
I learned the hard way, when people show you their sleeve believe them. All these videos are so helpful, many thanks Dr.C !! You're the Best 💓
I've learned that you find out who your real friends are when moving
My God! All 4 of those type of people are all around me! They are not the type of people I want in my life, it's sometimes like I'm a magnet for them. This is why I chose to back away from all people, I don't have the time to waist on them and I can't tell who's who without time. They want me to be who they want me to be. I spent many years with that. They're never satisfied, even if you change.
When narcissists ask you what you are doing next weekend, they take your I dont know as a free access to your time. Of course they have no right to dictate what you do next weekend, not even declare they will come hang out with you. It is nobodys business what you do next weekend but yours. I try avoid saying I dont know, but I often dont make plans. You know your narcissists, if they still are allowed around you, you decide the allowing. It is just creepy with the pushyness, the invasiveness, the sudden plans, the sudden ditchings, the sudden narc mood changes, weekend with narcs or waiting for narcs, can be more stressful than workdays. Not a moment of peace and freedom. You do not need those jazzed up people in your life. A good book. Birds singing in the trees. Alone. That's peace.
You have to learn to enjoy your own company, then confidently say, I thought I would indulge in some self care, and "me time."
If someone gives advice I dont see it as a bad thing. If it seems like they are trying to help, I appreciate that.
Yep But there’s a difference Sometimes people give misleading advice on intention
Some people are poor-weather friends. They love to hear about your problems and talk that our but when things can't better can't just do something fun and enjoy the day with you. You feel like you need to create problems to connect with them.
“And the food is good 😂! I got a good laugh from your comment, Dr. Carter. You took the sting out of a situation that doesn’t deserve my compassion. Thank you for always sharing more than you commit yourself to. God bless you.
Crisis does reveal character....that's the one I notice the most. I'm so glad I found your videos. Thank you!
"Routine mismanagement of anger." Spot on! 0-11 in 5 seconds? Yup, problematic!
To me, this channel is like free counseling. Now if only I could find the doctor with expertise in treating recriminations and regret. Because I'm always ruminating, and am only making limited progress.
Hmmm, I think there are a LOT of exceptions to these "rules". Maybe this "untrustworthy" person is actually quite trustworthy, but because of the acts they suffered from the untrustworthy people in their lives they are now very guarded with what they trust others with. 🤔 Also, because of human imperfection, we can all do something in our lives that might make even the person we trusted most, do something that feels to us like they have broken our trust. "Trustworthy" most often is a relative and ambiguous term, and a deeper "look" into each individual is needed to make a "judgement", and more wise decision as to what we might want to trust them with.
I totally agree with you. This is also why I am having a bit of issues with some of the examples given by that channel, as it seems to try to want to paint a picture which may not entirely be accurate of the other person. I get that yes, we may strive to be decent, civilized and respectful people, but it can slip at times. And we may just as well be the "narcissist" of somebody else for all we know.
Yes exactly! But if someone wants something from you, they’re not gonna do that lol What I can never figure out is why people wouldn’t want to just know you for you. It seems there’s always an angle, or a reason or something someone wants. Or they see you a certain way or some convoluted deal- Most likely they don’t seem to just want to get to know you just because you’re a human being. It’s either Can I have sex with u? Do you have money? What are you offering? Oh- just cus you’re a human being with feelings and aspirations and dreams? - oh .. lol - meh.
@@SBecktacular I think I have a little explanation to your "why" question. When you first meet that person, who you want to be represented as isn't what the person takes away from you, and, depending of their state of mind, their agenda, or even, how they feel about themselves in comparison to you, it becomes this projected image of who you seem to be for them. This is why some people feel disappointed when someone who seemed supportive suddenly aren't. It isn't a question of blame, and sometimes, it may just as well be a boundary thing, but what does the person whose reality has been shattered do? Well, they become emotional and entitled, but it doesn't make them a narcissist. I used to follow those channels because I believed that Dr.C was trying to give people a sense of self, but all of the videos that go on examples feel like praying on people's fears and leaving them in it. For all we know, the 20% you think you know about a person, even behavior wise, could be wrongly assumed to be narcissistic, and it may actually be a real struggle and issue that they are having with themselves that they think you to be capable of understanding. I am not going to say that some people aren't narcissistic, but I am more akin to say that some actions are narcissistic, more than just the person being one. Separate the behavior from the person. it's much better for you in the end. I lament the sheer number of people who learn of emotional maturity, clear communication, and boundaries at a later age, because this leaves them with deep issues that only therapy may help them with.
I don't think we should find reasons for vague, closed off behaviour. If someone has a problem with being open, they should seek counselling. It's not on us to be their therapist or enabler.
@@karolinagren5846 It may then be best to avoid these videos, as they seem to find reasons for vague, closed off behavior, as you wrote it, or maybe avoid therapy alltogether, as they, too, rely heavily on the information you that provide, compassion, empathy, reframing, and active listening, to make an assessment of who you are and what may ail you, and some therapists can be just as closed off in their behavior as you express it. I am not sure that we need to diminish one's willingness to assist someone else out of some perceived justification and calling them "vague reasons", as some people can be insightful and perceptive to another's situation, while some therapists may be more dangerous to this same scenario. Besides, not everyone is well attuned to their own internal emotions, and this, too, can be learned through someone who isn't a therapist, tempted they do it with self respect and boundaries in mind. In the end, it is up to the person to decide if they want to help and be an alternative to therapy.
Listening to what is being said and not said is key. Red flag is when you can tell the other person is not valuing you or any insight or information you bring to a conversation. First conversation to express what you’ve noticed, feel, and then gauge if they understand your perspective and the response is all about how they feel? Then suddenly end the friendship and block you instead of having that conversation? Did they only enter my life so I could support them, or until you catch on, that this is not a genuine two way considerate relationship/ friendship? Healthy people that value you as well can have those conversations. And see from someone else’s perspective and usually communicate to keep things healthy for both sides.
I am grateful for you Dr. C. Thank you for teaching us how we may navigate difficult relationship dynamics while preserving, or repairing, our personal dignity. You are one of my top Spiritual and Mental mentors. Sending Love and Hugs to you and our Dr. C family of seekers here. 🥰🤗🦋🧘💞😃😊
So pleased! Dr. C
Tenants and potential tenants are never addressed Re narcissism. Bad ones are devastating.
After watching this video, I guess I'm not really such a trustworthy person. I don't display all of the indicators mentioned in this video. But I don't like to show my cards. After saying that I think I'm keeping my mouth shut when it comes to confidential information. Not that I must know confidential information..
I love the content in your videos. You're the father figure we should have as we grow up.
Thank You Dr. Carter. I think it could benefit a person to take a closer of themself. I'm 75 years old and I am certainly open to taking a closer look at who I thought I was and who I am. I also enjoying reading comments from your readers
Sometimes you cant open up to people about things . One time I was in a bible talk group setting and when the older couple who were leading the group asked us to open up about a topic in our church. So I freely opened up because I trusted this older couple who were leading the group. After the discussion was over she stands up and walks in front of me and my friend and said that he is more spiritual than me. I was like wow never again will I be vulnerable to this group. Im still in the group but Im being very discreet about anything which is very sad . I do open up but to people that i could trust. Sometimes opening up to manipulated people could do more harm than good.
In my experience. religious narcissistic abuse is the worst because it always carries the lie that the leaders are God's chosen ones dutifully making it known why you are spiritually deficient compared to them. But God helps me tenderly with loving solidarity and wisdom. I think it's true that the first shall be last, and the last first.
@@lovesings2us You are so right
I hope you know just how INCREDIABLY helpful you are!!!! Videos like this not only have saved my life but helping me learn how to finally enjoy my life after 44 years!!!!! Ty from the bottom of my heart 😃
Don't reveal everything at once watch weight and see how long it takes they can manipulate you from the beginning and if you're in it deep enough you won't see it until it's too late listen to your intuition no matter what if it doesn't smell sound fit feel taste or look right you know what it may not be right you might need to do your homework thank you Dr c for this one I appreciate you I wish this video would have been around 10 years ago wouldn't be in the misplaced jaded spot I'm in now now I won't trust people because I know all of those indicators have happened to me and now I stay way way away from people it's bad but I'm starting to move outward this video is going to help me do that thank you again I hope you have a good holiday may you and your family be blessed and I was talking about Gus and any other four legged furry once you might have around there family family right?
Good thoughts, Faith. BTW, we have some enjoyable family time on the slate for the weekend. Thanks for the good vibes! Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter well thank you I like throwing my Good vibes around all my family are doing other things so I'll be alone with my babies they're my family so it's okay I'm good with it used to it was lonely but now I'm I enjoy it quite frankly but anyway we'll see the day's not over yet have a good one yourself with your family too.
Exactly! We moved into our new home last year, and my nosy new neighbor downstairs walked into my apartment without knocking, went into another room and started talking to my friend for 45 minutes. Without a "hello, or acknowledging me. Well, she fell and broke her leg. The next thing I knew, I was her personal chef for 4 months-beyond the time she needed help. She turned nasty when I gave my "notice" that I wasn't going to cook for her any more. This is why I don't disclose too much...the neighbors have a meeting every week, where they gossip, and she is the ringleader!
When someone wants to know all about you, yet won't reciprocate. Very one-sided.
You can't trust anyone. I was always open with people. Reveal my vulnerabilities, sadness, problems. People lose respect for you when you reveal weakness. Also, psychological gurus/books/videos, say your a toxic person if u talk about your problems and encourage people not to hang around with these people because they are toxic. Then when people kill themselves because no one listens and no ones cares, everyone says why didn't they reach out to someone. Give me a break. I was always the sweetest, kindest person since a child but now I despise people. Everyone is fake and phony. One more thing about people and how horrible they are: Tomorrow they plan to demolish the standing portion of the collapsed miami condo with healthy living pets inside. Mia the cat on the 10th floor, Coco the cat on 4th floor. Supposedly 2 parakeets, a dog and another cat. People were rescued off their balconies. The cats ran under bed so owners had to leave without them. I understand that Miami PD officers volunteered to go up on cherry pickers and in to rescue them but they are not authorized. They will bring down the remaining structure with the pets inside. Another example of how humans are a horrible species.
The opposite of power is not weakness. The opposite of power is love. Marian Woodman.
well stated. Dr. C
I have really been enjoying, the recent videos that have a heavy focus on behavior.
What happens to the person who repeats their selfish habits over and over again when they know it hurts their partner...?
This is by far the best advice and wisdom i've ever watched and heard. It makes me see that all the people in my life have been untrustworthy friends and foe even sadly my spouse who only this weekdnd flat out lied to my face. Now trust has gone and i'm in a position as to where to go from here. He cannot even admit his lies or mistakes, totally incapable of saying sorry either or giving any explanation or apology just sent some flowers and expects me to forget. Actually goes radio silence for days in the hopes I will forget. When youre in these things you cant see them either. I've been with my husband for 11 years so what do I do? And even if i leave and start again its also a question of finding someone else trust worthy. And there are not that many!
Dr. Carter, I looove the topics you have been addressing recently. The podcast on narcissism also helped, but once the narcissist is gone, I found one needs further help to navigate life successfully. So, thank you!
While watching your vid I recognize I'm not thrusworthy. People have abused me in every possible way, my parents divorced, dumped us to fostercare, dad alcoholic and still got us back. I don't trust people, I don't open up easily, I want to be free of unnecessary commitments, 11 yrs with abusing husband, Im finally free to try to understand myself and this vid makes me feel as a very BAD person!! My selfconfidence is bottom and now I feel worse after this. And you are helping People....?.
I have a dear old friend I just recently ran into after 30 years. She did really well and made a good life for herself. Part of her job was being in HR and I often felt like I was being interviewed by her when we were talking. But I noticed she didn't say much about herself. She is a good person, I feel like I can trust her but she has a lot of the traits you have discussed. Maybe she's just smart and learned how to button up. What you don't say can't hurt you. I'm a waterfall and an open book, I could probably learn a little something from her😬😁 but I do know what you mean on the other hand I had a friend that said, " you know I don't like to explain myself ". Just before he remarried his ex-wife who I didn't even know he even liked again although my "Spidey Sense" somewhere knew. Now that there is untrustworthy. That situation was probably one of the most painful things I've ever gone through with someone but it has turned out to be one of the biggest lessons. I was too naive, I didn't open my eyes when it came to people, trust me, my eyes are wide open now.
Why does it seem like this just described just about everyone I know in one way or another. Due to these behaviors in the people around me, I've almost lost all faith in humanity itself
John 2:24 helped me. Trust God not man and then you'll know how to deal with everyone. Some need Grace, some need what only God can give so you can leave without guilt
Wonderful video. Testing by your own gauge! Love it. It’s the inner man that we through trust and being trusted that brings true fellowship and unity. Like a child’s trust. Awesome!!
Man, that painting of / with a bear is astonishing.
You always make great videos at the perfect time. I'm finding it hard to trust anyone anymore. I believe there are people not telling me the truth
me too
Excellent validation of my instincts. I've noticed you can't trust people who don't trust people also. They just can't imagine others doing and or saying the right thing, the truth.
I started to feel sick thinking back throughout my life and the controllers and I feel like I constantly have to remind myself my feelings are my own and I hear my No , but the narcissist doesn’t hear No if they don’t want to at all My body , my choice No means No
You're right, Dr. Les. Absolutely right. I had friends like that in the past.
Had a guy at work who would not take in important info, that a neutral wire could be dangerous, he did not or would not believe it, Had to almost die before he did.
I often see low level defenses and ego function deficits. Yes they are free to give advise but when it doesn't work for them or you if you tried. Its the repeated kneejerk reactions without evaluating or listening to others. They wreck their lives. When Their behavior doesnt match their words. Follow the behavior!
Fair weather friends 💯 Dr. C, especially parasitic type of relationships… we are friends when it benefits me type of mentality. People are not tools in a toolbox to pick up when you need a particular thing. I’d also add someone who smiles ALL the time, even when it’s not appropriate. Another trait I’ve noticed is fence riders; those who would rather everyone like them instead of having an objective opinion and loyalty. There is a quote I like that says, those who stand for everything stand for nothing. This video is great for those of us who are learning to trust again after being severely scorned. Thank you!
Excellent, Dr. C! Thank you. I was particularly struck by the unsolicited advice portion. I find people who give unsolicited advice to YOU and expect you to follow it but don't follow the same advice for THEMSELVES are not trustworthy.
I realized that they weren’t responding well to others and then you realize they were doing it to you on and off. Plus when you’ve been friends for over 20 years they criticize you which I listen to, but then they don’t like advice. Just seemed one sided which was sad. Friendships should give and take. I just thought of the word openness which leads to dual growth. Sometimes you just outgrow people.
It hurts a bit to have inconsistency as a sign of being untrustworthy. I have ADHD and hearing him list off the symptoms i struggle with as “bad signs” felt disheartening. I know a lot of folks are understanding and it’s been helpful to be open about those shortcomings. At the same time it sucks knowing i’ll always have that working against me and and the folks around me
I completely understand what your saying
We can only strive to do the best we can with the hand we're dealt.
Just be honest and authentically do your best. If you’re promising things you know you can’t deliver, that’s not due to a mental illness. That’s just called being untrustworthy. Adhd has nothing to do with your capacity to be honest with yourself and others.
I think you have to understand the heart of the other person. If they care about forgetting something and they are bothered by their inconsistency- that goes a long way
This just reaffirmed my thoughts on one individual. A lady I know is very surface level. Superficial. Material things, money is a big thing with her and looks mainly name brands she loves. But it doesn't go much deeper than that. No real empathy ever shown. She is super friendly and at first seems like a nice person. But I've spent enough time to think otherwise. It's very Superficial niceness. I don't disclose much about myself to her because I had a feeling she wasn't trust worthy. She also gives unsolicited advice. I hate unsolicited advice. She told me one time that I should tell people everything about myself because then you get a lot of feedback. I think she was trying to get me to reveal things about myself but it didn't work. Nobody needs to know everything about me unless I feel the need to do so.