How to Get Good at Small Talk, and Even Enjoy It
Even if you don’t think you’re a natural (or you hate it), anyone can become proficient at this important art using the right tactics and behaviors.
00:00 “Small talk” is a misnomer for such an important part of communication.
01:07 Establish appropriate goals.
01:52 Give yourself permission to pause.
03:35 What if you feel like you have nothing smart to say?
04:24 What if I make a mistake or say something dumb?
05:09 What if my problem is that I have too much to say?
06:04 What tools can I use if none of this is natural to me?
07:53 How do I get the conversation started?
09:00 How do I end the conversation (gracefully)?
According to Matt Abrahams, author of "Think Faster, Talk Smarter: How to Speak Successfully When You're Put on the Spot", key strategies include avoiding conventional responses in favor of establishing genuine connections, prioritizing brevity while delivering messages, and speaking authentically without the pressure to be perfect-which means daring to be dull. Fear or nervousness need not deter anyone from communicating effectively on the spot.
Read more: hbr.org/2023/09/how-to-shine-...
And there's more by Matt Abrahams on this topic in his new book: www.amazon.com/Think-Faster-T...
Follow us:
hbr.org/
/ harvard-business-review
/ hbr
/ harvardbiz
/ harvard_business_review
Sign up for Newsletters: hbr.org/email-newsletters
#HarvardBusinessReview #Communication #SmallTalk #CommunicationSkills #Career #YourCareer #Work #Business #Harvard
Copyright © 2023 Harvard Business School Publishing. All rights reserved.
This is great. Sometimes I feel like I need a manual for being a person.
Same 😅
I completely agree with you.
You said exactly how I'm feeling 😭🤣
U not wrong there
This is structure he was talking about. What he explained was structure, then you can input it with your thoughts and your personal magic. You'll be more impactful that way!
"Nice weather eh?" "Aaahmmm... t- te- tell me more"
1. be Interested not Interesting 2. Pause, don't react too quick (Use Paraphrasing) 3. "Tell me more" 4. Ok to make mis"take" - Connection not perfection 5. Be concise - tell the time not tell how to make the clock 6. Use Structure - a logical connection of your points (What - So What (Why) - Now What (What's Next)) 7. Curious about something around and start conversation 8. White flag ending (Tell them it's about to end)
The animation and video editing team deserve a raise. Good job guys!
0. Envision small talk as collaborating with others to keep the converstion moving
Nice paraphrasing! Thanks!
Minor thing but Tennis Court is drawn backwards. Each side needs to be flipped 180 °
Haha, good catch@@puneetbhatia2326
"Goal is to be interested not interesting" brilliant.
And you get 35 likes just for repeating the first idea possed on this video? I don't get it. I don't expect it to be a rocket science chat but at least say something original and stop repeating like a talking parrot. at least try, for gods socks.
@@AtrozGrimait's highlighting a portion of the video when people often watch absentmindedly and don't take in the information.
@@BranchDavidian- "absentmindedly" can't imagine a world where people get into a video "absentmindedly" but show real interest in somebody else's words on a daily small talk interaction...
@@AtrozGrima you must be new here, some people dont like listening to all that and come straight to the point, thus, they read comments.
I remember watching a lecture from this professor like 10 years ago. It was in the era KZhead didn’t have transcripts, so I wanted to have it printed, so I transcribed it myself. The “What? - So what? - Now what?” structure was presented in that talk. Nice memories. It felt like finding a gem in an ocean of videos. Cool times 😊
I think I know which video you are talking about. Seeing the grey on him, couldn't help but wonder how time passes
as an introvert and a socially awkward person, thank you so much for this tips professor, I'll try to put this in action
What work field are you in
Mistake = Missed take. Amazing.
This was very helpful. I’m naturally an introvert, but I’m also a Sr leader within my organization so networking is necessary. These tips definitely help. 👍
Man.. similar situation here.
How that does work for you? Being an introvert and having a leadership position?
@@aur3liom lol it’s interesting. I use to think all leaders were extroverts, but that’s obviously not true. For me, I just need time to decompress from speaking and collaborating with teams. Having “me” time allows me to recharge and get in a good place mentally to handle managing my teams.
I'm in a similar situation - as senior role I have 0 issues in speaking and dealing with large crowds, but small talks kill me because I am an introvert and they almost give more anxiety than actual difficult conversations
@@skepticalbutopen4620 I'm struggling to break the barrier of shyness, because I'm planning to have a leader position in the future, but I can't do it unless I overcome it. And it's surprising for me to know that there are introverted leader out there. Makes me, in some way, hopeful.
I use the "I have to return some video tapes" to get our of small talk, I like the confused look on people's faces
American Psycho reference?
@@harvardbusinessreview 💯
always leave them wondering 😉😅
This is much too complicated. Can I just hire you to talk to people for me?
🤣
This gotta be one of the best videos about how to be great at small talk
I'm autistic and I can't stand small talk. I know some are important for building rapport, but I truly feel they are useless. Will definitely try this, because in my country small talk is more important than everything else to survive.
Yeah, you definitely need to learn on how to small talk. Sure, your condition might hinder you, but it should not be a total block for you to improve or progressing to interact with people. Who knows they might able to help you on future matters? Best of luck.
Remember, small tag talk is about making a connection and connections are hard. Think of life like a chess game. You don't wanna dominate but concentrate on moving the chess pieces in their proper place. You are trying to SEEM genuinely interested. Ppl want to talk about themselves. They want ppl to be interested in order to build a relationship, trust, whatever.
@@Lyndell239soooo, why you are saying is that all these individuals are LYING to each other in order to get social and potentially material advantage? Wow, what an awesome cultural sleight of hand! And yet the PNT (predominant neurotype) culture CASTIGATES Autistics and neurodivergent individuals for their ‘bluntness’ (HONESTY) because neurotypical culture is built on lying, obfuscation and a bunch of hidden ‘rules’ that make sense to no-one at all.
I'm autistic too. Social circumstances have caused me to be passive when befriending people in class. Now that I'm trying to be in a band, I'm trying to fit into a friend group. It's pretty difficult, but this is exactly why i should do it. I still feel like I'm more of a guy they slightly know, than I'm a friend to them. This is why i feel like i need to push harder and try to small talk, something which I'm afraid of doing, since i never really done that before.
@@alien_in_white_3 I have Aspergers and I will say that I overcomplicate how this works as well. Like anxiety will overrun my system about “what if they just don’t like me?” “What was the point of that last convo?” “Why would I be interesting to people?” And the truth I’ve come up with as that… they literally don’t care. People find me all kinds of ways interesting believe me but some people find me scary or intimidating others find me unorthodox and quirky others just like who I am. Unless they truly like who I am they 100% will forget about me in like a year max. People could not care less about you cause everyone is out for their best interests which if you make a connection with them and form groups will then become your interest as well. I wouldn’t compare it to chess although it’s not a bad metaphor more a game of investment. The more you put into something or someone the more you know them and hopefully like them but it can backfire if they don’t have the qualities preferable well that’s a bad investment so you pull away. If they have either qualities you prefer in yourself or others you like in them then they’re nice to be around. It’s kinda a no duh moment when you say it out loud but I always struggled to figure out if people liked me at all. They did but my constant worrying only drove them away so now I don’t worry but rather do stuff together and if they have a smile on their face or wish to do it again with me sometime then that’s all I need. So as long as your band mates are having fun with you and wish to keep you around then that’s all you really need. Of course you can form deeper connections but that comes later so just focus on having fun and based off how you use metaphors and have a proclivity for advanced wordage, you seem like a perspicacious person and also your willingness to help him makes you kind and to me at least those are traits you don’t find in your every day person.
I think slowing down is the hard part for me. Sometimes it is almost literally painful to listen to unimportant streams of consciousness that some people use as small-talk. That’s why I prefer conversations with more depth. The “What, So What, Now What” concept seems like a good approach. I will definitely try that!
Small talk is easy, but today people really don't have intimate conversations enough. This really struck me at a family reunion where come people will only talk completely superficially about stuff like baseball and the weather
that's why I think small talk plays an important role to connect with the person more, so then you can direct the small talk into a deeper conversation.
So the goal is conduct others into your personal interest just to make it "deep"? whilst they talking about baseball seem to be superficial, what would it be a good theme for a small talk on an intimate level as the OG suggested? @@lonukoli
See a Stanford professor in a Harvard KZhead channel is amazing. It’s a win win for all. Collaborations like are great 👍🏽 I’ve been learning from Prof.Matt since he started his podcast and this video is the most complete nutshell of all of his podcasts. Genius
Love the ending part. Not a trick but actually a respectful way to close a conversation
For a while now I'm feeling I'm doing better socially in life, and now watching this I realize my small talk got better without noticing. That's really exciting news for me.
Totally agree, i have definitely been the guy trying to land something. Not necessarily to be interesting, but to feel the other person out to see what they like and don't like.
When I watch this, it feels like you are having small talk to me, and you really put it nicely to end the video. I found many nice insights in this video and I'm going to apply it in my next conversation!
"Reframe the mistake to be a missed take. What you did wasn't wrong but maybe there is another way to do it and we can try it again" Nice :) this method could be applied to any case in life as well
Thank you for this. I always think I have nothing interesting to say so the conversation is always cut short. Will be applying these techniques to my small talk conversations.
Brilliant and concise. I've just recently got into a new job in a new country and pretty often meet with new colleagues at the office. We do ask common question like how do you do, or how was your weekend? However they go out more from politeness than a real interest in a talking. I have a good situation to practice Matt's advises and check how much the real improvement will be :)
I am having conversations with clients and sometimes it becomes awkward. I will keep in mind all of the notes that you said here. Thank you!!
New tips I haven’t heard of before from anyone anywhere, yet makes so much sense
Just make your world about other people not yourself and you'll get instantly interesting! Patient, understanding, compassionate what more can you do?! That's the kind of person I would like to small-talk or even big-talk with. No cheat sheet needed, just being a genuine human
I wasn't exactly taught how to small talk when I was younger neither of my parents were very social people. Then I started an apprenticeship with my now boss who is a small talk master and a boomer (the best kind of small talkers), it is truly an art
Notes for myself because i tend to forget right after watching!! - The goal of small talk: *to be interested* , not interesting - It's okay to pause to think of something to respond - *Paraphrase* to really understand what the other just said - Simply ask for more details if you feel like you have nothing to say - Think of mistakes just as a missed take. Just take that shot again - Structure: *What? - So what? - Now what?* <a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="409">6:49</a> - Initiate by bringing up something unique you can observe from the environment - The *white flag technique* to end a small talk: tell them you need to go, but ask one more question to wrap up the convo - Just like anything else in life, practice is the key. Thank you so much for the video!!
Watching this has made me realize that one of the things that makes me so anxious about small talk (aside from having social anxiety) is being anxious about how/when to end it. This is good advice and I feel like having an exit strategy will help with the anxiety a little
Recently, I realized that I'm not only introvert but also not good at communication. That's the reason I don't know what to say to other people around me. Sometimes, I don't even know how to respond to other's stories. This video does help me. Thank you!
Practice makes perfect!
Fabulous, It's such a amazing structure for a longer conversation. Love the way you express the topics , Thanks a lot for sharing ❤
"its not a mistake, it's a missed take" that was awesome! I'm gonna think that to myself next time I feel like I didn't interact the exact way I wanted to. This video was so helpful :)
It is super fantastic to found HBR takes care of every little behavior that humman beings are doing it daily. Following such tips and advices is the perfect recipe to becoming more effective leaders.
This is probably one of the best videos I've ever seen in the platform. Loved it
- View small talk as a collaborative effort to keep the conversation going (<a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="36">00:36</a>). - Enter small talk with the goal to be interested, not interesting (<a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="66">1:06</a>). - Focus attention on others to reduce the feeling of being judged (<a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="102">1:42</a>). - Slow down your response to ensure appropriateness by paraphrasing (<a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="143">2:23</a>). - Ask questions like "Tell me more" to engage others and buy time (<a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="218">3:38</a>). - Treat communication mistakes as opportunities for a different 'take' (<a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="266">4:26</a>). - Practice concision by getting to the point without over-explaining (<a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="311">5:11</a>). - Use structured questions like "What? So what? Now what?" to guide conversations (<a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="369">6:09</a>). - Initiate small talk with context-specific comments to pique curiosity (<a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="496">8:16</a>). - Signal the end of a conversation with the 'white flag' approach (<a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="559">9:19</a>).
I love this video, watch it each time before I go to a social event as a prep talk
Great Advice ! I often face issues moving the needle when having small talks, I will try to apply these techniques in my day to day conversations.
Thank you so much. I don't have problems conversing in general, but I do have a hard time making small talk, starting... it makes me exhausted. But with these tips I think I can lighten the load a little.
Me too. Here are some questions to get the conversation going. Where are you from? What are you doing? What do you think about this or that? Or a simple tell me something interesting/funny leads to interesting small talk. Being interested in what someone is feeling, doing or thinking always works.
This is the only senseful and useful video that I've seen in this category🙏🏻 I would even call it philosophical in a way
It’s such an amazing sharing. It helps me a lot by giving many tips when it comes to small conversation and even the long ones. Thank you so much for very helpful information ❤❤❤
Love videos like these. Better to help teach and train those who aren’t well socially oriented rather than further exiling them
I appreciate videos like this because people tend to reduce ideas (like small talk) down to its most unpleasant parts and then avoid it at all costs. Really we can just change our perception of it and do it in our own enjoyable way.
Great video! Lots of useful tips. I especially love, "tell me the time, don't build me the clock" <a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="309">5:09</a> Brilliant.
I appreciate the ideas as well as the speaker's professional skills of delivery
This is so useful! I'm happy to see helpful instructions on small talk, since it's been so demonized by those who claim it's shallow. I think small talk is important to build rapport and trust, especially in workplace environments. It's definitely a skill worth learning.
My summation of this video Small talk tips: 1. Small talk is a collaborative process (hacky sack not tennis) 2. your goal is to be interested not interesting (take the spotlight off of you and pass it on to another) 3. take pauses before replying, less likely to say something inappropriate (eg. paraphrasing{validates other & what they said, gives you time to think about whats said}) 4. when you don't know what to say - "tell me more", "what did you mean by", "give me some details" - also gives you more time to think and find a connection 5. mistakes - it's about connection not perfection 6. what if too much to say - consise is better - "tell me the time, don't build me the clock" 7. What if not a natural speaker - Leverage structure - the logical connections of your points - eg. Jazz music - what, so what, now what? - Practice this by asking these 3 questions whenever you are consuming any content 8. how to get the conversation started - initiate through questions based on context / environment - initiate with something that piques curiosity 9. how to end convos - white flag approach - signal the end first then conclude the convo, rather than being abrupt
Incredibly simple, incredibly useful
Thanks for the tips! Some of the most awkward situations I have experienced are: 1. Hanging out with a group of familiar friends that we semi-regularly hangout with. Usually, initiating conversations in this circle is not hard, but when we run out of topics, it gets silent and we're still not leaving the place we're hanging out at. How can I (or maybe we) signal that we're running out of topics, but content with silence? 2. Hanging out with a bunch of friends on a restaurant like a reunion. It's kinda hard to initiate a conversation in a large group situation, and often time it's those that are loud that talk the most. It's also a little intimidating to join in because as soon as you talk, like 10 people have their attention on you. Any advice on this? 3. I don't have a lot of trouble in initiating one on one small talks, but it does get awkward sometimes when somebody I rather dislike talks to me in a group setting and ask me some questions to which the answers I'd rather not share. How do I deal with these people and their questions? Ignoring makes it awkward. Sometimes they also make some provocative remarks that I usually just ignore.
Third point really indicates that you have to be dealing with a person in your friend circle that you know is really not your friend. That's sometimes hard😅
Man, I feel you. I struggled a lot with your third point this year.
the first one is the toughest for me because I feel like I have to do something about the awkward silence, but sometimes you just have to recognize that no one's responsible for making it not awkward and its ok for things to be awkward. Sometimes silence is funny or points to a lack of interest in the topics you were talking about or people are just tired. something i need to work on is to stop blaming myself for the awkward silences and try to see if i can learn something from it. for the second, I don't like being the center of attention for large groups, so I kinda pick someone close to me and have my own little conversation with them. if they are listening into the larger group conversation, i'll ask them what they think about the topic. if they are the one's leading the conversation, I will ask a question. For me, I like to listen in on what im interested in rather than lead the conversation. If the other people want me to lead the conversation, I could but i wont initiate it myself. third, that sounds like an annoying person, I try to focus on being a kind person to them even if I dislike them and try to turn the topic away from myself. maybe you could find something you like about the person. If not, I would avoid them, or show them in some way that I don't want to be a part of whatever they're doing. in general, some people aren't worth your time so you dont have to spend energy trying to figure things out.
for the last one, set boundaries with the rude person and communicate with others in the friend group their behavior casually. So they know you aren't being an ahole when you eventually shut the rude person down.
Don't you have any humourous breaks for akward silences in your culture? In Russia if everyone at a table falls silent at the same time and the silence lasts for a few moments one might say: "A cop has died". It might seem rude and stupid to a person outside the culture but within the culture it's a funny superstition that works well as a silence breaker and a humurous intervention. Do you have anything like that? Some small superstition about what total silence signifies?
"wow, that looks like good food over there" found the best small talk exit, great video!
This is GOLD to me thank you ! I have NVLD and this just gave me some hope communication wise !
I need to watch this, yesterday I asked my local barber what did he do for living while having haircut.
Thank you so much. This is really helpful and practical. ♥️
Me, after watching this video: "Nice weather we're having" "Thanks, you too"
"Lots of people wearing blue clothes in this room today" Me: "hmmm yeah"
Me with two buttons 🔘 That's crazy! 😮 🔴Really ? 😮
I feel like I find small talk quite natural and fairly easy. But my issue has always been reigniting that conversation later on. The first conversation with a person ive just met can often last as long as I want it to, but then arranging another time to meet up or being able ot bring some kind of personal relationship out of it is very difficult for me I'd say.
Wow!👏❤ This is "one of the best" video that I came across on this topic. It includes all those hindrances we often face while communicating with people and how we can tackle them. Insightful and practical. 🎥💯✨
This is such great advice! In particular for people new to business.
I really appreciate what you are imparting!. Thanks
Omg that ending convo tip is so useful!
It’s so useful. I struggled a lot every time I talked to strangers.
These are helpful as a nurse lol we need to be very good at small talk, establishing rapport, and being able to exit the room quickly without being rude
God Bless The Internet, and this channel of course..
i appreciate this, thank you. i am not against small talks with friends or colleagues or strangers however, oftentimes the other party is just giving one liner answer or just agrees to what i said then i continue the story or ask a question but the same pattern goes on and on. it makes me feel like i am interviewing that person i am talking to and it makes me think they're not interested in listening to me despite showing my interest in them. this is kind of tiring and now i dont want to start a conversation to them unless they initiate it.
It’s ok to acknowledge for yourself that there is no connection with that person. Sometimes there is just no common ground…
Have been listened to his podcast, love his podcast so much
"Tell me time, dont build me a clock". This was powerful
Ey wirklich vielen Dank für die großartigen Tipps. Ich konnte auf jeden Fall ein bisschen was mitnehmen. 😄👌
great talk! however most people i know would respond to the "blue shirt" starter with an: "ok"... the end xD
This is amazingly helpful. I watched 3 times
This is really helpful! The thing I find hardest about small talk is when people are asking questions about me. I would rather just listen to what they say but if they’re somewhat competent at small talk they know to also ask questions
Real
I will give it a try. this video is useful to me! thank you so much guys!
This was actually really helpful thank you.
Loved the analogy in the beginning
Great to see the face of "Think Fast, talk smart" podcast.
Will have to practice this Small "Listening" more often 👍
This was great video. Everyone starting their career needs to watch this
Thank you for sharing good edvices. Its very helpful
Great tips - I thought this might be trite - but really easy to follow tips that I'm going to use!
Thank for the valuable information.
Loved the tip for ending a conversation
Great tips and illustrations that make remembering easy. Thank you!
I found this really helpful, thank you!
Great video, everything is so useful. I think body language is also very important. Thanks for the vid!!
I learned some new things that will probably help me so thanks a lot!
Wow, these are great insights. These will help me improve my small talk skill. Thank you.
this is literally the best advices on small talk i ever heard
Someone on reddit changed my whole outlook on small talk. He said "The topic of small talk doesn't matter, its about feeling safe and comfortable talking to them".
Ok then. I don't, and neither should they.
Really great. It can be difficult to be beige or grey in a sea of black and white! Logically this makes sense, I acknowledge I have trauma from my primary environment. This includes high contrast people who cannot reciprocate and rearrange words into unintended sentences for control and a rigid agenda.
Many thanks. I will apply these to my social media chats?
I think I'm pretty good at small talk, but the ENDING always made me uncomfortable, wow I needed that last minute of video. Thanks!!!
<a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="0">00:00</a> “Small talk” is a misnomer for such an important part of communication. <a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="67">01:07</a> Establish appropriate goals. <a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="112">01:52</a> Give yourself permission to pause. <a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="215">03:35</a> What if you feel like you have nothing smart to say? <a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="264">04:24</a> What if I make a mistake or say something dumb? <a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="309">05:09</a> What if my problem is that I have too much to say? <a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="364">06:04</a> What tools can I use if none of this is natural to me? <a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="473">07:53</a> How do I get the conversation started? <a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="540">09:00</a> How do I end the conversation (gracefully)?
That's nice, thank you so much.
Lots of good tips. But most important as being said in wrap up - to practice and start small talk with others. Let’s try!
Amazing video. So grateful for it!
This was gold.
Nice insights, thank you Matt
As a 6 month old toddler who has been crying ,eating , sleeping and hasn't interacted with anyone at all. This helped thanks!
That was a very good video! Thank you!
This is a good topic for me because I really like to have small talk with others.
Thanks for these valuable tips
That's a great resource! 🙌
Great value adding content.Thankyou
This is awesome!