Narcissist? Trust Your Gut Feeling: 4 Rules to Avoid Bad Relationships (Intuition Explained)
Links to academic sources at the end.
Four Rules to Avoid Bad Relationships:
1. If it feels wrong - it is wrong.
2. S/he is trying too hard? Involves too much conspicuous and ostentatious effort? It is fake.
3. Too good to be true? It is not true.
4. Verify everything: 90% of the time, people lie and 90% of the time we believe every word they say (90:90 rule or base rate fallacy).
You feel ill at ease because you are flooded with info that generates cognitive dissonance (he says one thing and behaves another) and emotional dissonance (I am so into him, I will ignore). This leads to confirmation bias.
But all the info is there (misogynist vs. narcissist vs. sadist), available to your intuition.
Philosophers have a lot to tell you about your gut feeling and whether, when, and how you should trust it.
Ariely’s studies on dishonesty www.psychologicalscience.org/...
Neuroscience of unthinking trust www.pbs.org/newshour/science/...
Everyone lies all the time theconversation.com/truth-is-...
We trust everyone all the time hbr.org/2009/06/rethinking-trust
Ariely’s new book about lying www.amazon.com/Honest-Truth-A...
Everyone cheats all the time www.wsj.com/articles/SB100014...
TED Talks on lying www.ted.com/playlists/222/5_t...
Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Store: www.amazon.com/stores/page/60...
Ariely’s studies on dishonesty www.psychologicalscience.org/observer/the-truth-about-lying Neuroscience of unthinking trust www.pbs.org/newshour/science/how-to-keep-conspiracy-theories-from-ruining-your-thanksgiving Everyone lies all the time theconversation.com/truth-is-everyone-lies-all-the-time-6749 We trust everyone all the time hbr.org/2009/06/rethinking-trust Ariely’s new book about lying www.amazon.com/Honest-Truth-About-Dishonesty-Everyone-Especially/dp/0062183613 Everyone cheats all the time www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052702304840904577422090013997320 TED Talks on lying www.ted.com/playlists/222/5_talks_on_the_truth_about_lyi
SAM ... I have heard in Australia that they are thinking of re categorising NPD as a form of PTSD .. any ideas?
Thank you Sam for all these valuable resources. 🙃
Lying is a violation of the lied-to agency. Not verifying is selling one’s soul to the devil. Only now I realise that 'verifying’ by every Machiavellian means is s a duty to fiercely preserve one’s own agency (including the violation of one’s own genteel and well-bread values of never trespassing and respecting people’s privacy) Any interaction that we make on daily basis with any human out there is a contract that we sign with them and there are always hidden clauses in that contract. Only now I understand that nosiness, spying, stalking, hacking are practices of agency preservation as they are the ultimate intuition confirmation. Liars are incapable of confession and you will never get it off their mouth. They will never release you with the truth. Trust, like respect, is not given but earned! Being accountable for one’s own missteps is next-level agency. Nobody will give you your agency on a silver plate! It should be earned too!! Mistakes are the hard way to earn agency. A mistake = roger that + never again.
@@gilliandarling9239 You mean apart from the 30+ videos in this channel (over the past 10 years) where I have reclassified NPD as a post-traumatic disorder? My Cold Therapy is founded on this premise.
@Sam Vaknin I/We appreciate you Sam, thank you!!
I learned late in life to verify everything. Everyone who smiles at you is NOT necessarily your friend. They have to earn your trust. Don’t just give it away. Especially in relationships.
Sometimes a smile is a frown turned upside down
@@labotraduc8448 as narc survivors, our brains are trained to question ourselves & not listen to our intuition. It only benefits the narc by breaking us down, gaslighting us & manipulating us against oyr better judgment. The first point Sam made in this video is about gut instinct, it has solved crime cases & saved lives- never ignore again. You're doing great. Healing is a process, we live and learn and you'll be stronger and smarter next time💗
@MYDOG love the dog, has getting one helped you emotionally?
I tend to smile or laugh when i'm nervous..
omg same!!!!! veryyyyy late - cos out of i think inculcated early in life that adults are faultless, and generally not to trust your own emotions does not help
The biggest truth I learned is " you actually never attracted to that person (narc) , in fact you never liked that person (narc) in a first meeting or time , you got attracted to a thought 🤔or an idea of love , he/ she just mirror them back" . In reality some of us are also victims of a traumas and we're so empty from inside not just (narcs) so , we look outside source to fill inside emptiness so we can feel completeness , there we became victims/ prey of a narcissists .
The first time I met my narc; I noticed he would not look me in the eye directly when talking to me. That gave me an awkward feeling. I should have listened to my intuition. 😢
@@marilynrosario228I can relate. I had a wildly similar situation with the toxic/suspected highly narcissistic person I was with too.
That is so true I was just merely in love with the idea of a person and just wasted time to see if that person who happened to be in front of me will turn out to be the person in my idea. I didn’t know what I wanted , I also didn’t know what’s a healthy relationship I never had a good model of it. Over the years I never felt I could trust this man, and finally after 10 years of knowing him, he finally confessed that he kept something from me in the last 7 years - a child! I’ve had a hunch of something he is hiding just didn’t know it was as immense subject as this.
I always use this way of thinking when I meet people. If you piss me off one time. There is no kind of relationship that we can have other than an avoidant one.
I have a weird story about intuition. My husband's grandmother invited us to dinner to meet her new tenant, someone renting the granny flat in her back yard. The guy had swept grandma off her feet, she thought he was So WONDERFUL, but he creeped me out so much that when we got in the car I told my husband that I would NEVER spend any more time with him. My husband told his dad what I said, which prompted him to go check in on the situation, and turns out the guy was asking her to sign papers at the moment he walked in, the guy was trying to steal her house! My FIL drove the guy out, and later found him on FBI most wanted list, he was a con artist.
Yikes! 😮
Actions speak louder than words, also if you feel anxious around someone then you know your body tries to tell you something!
So true.... your body is sending you a message.
This message is EVERYTHING, thank u
Actions are EXACTLY how a NARC smokes you! Observation over time and in various surroundings/groups will show you what is really going on...you gotta do what they do, but not for enlisting supply; its to filter out BS.
This message inspired me to move on 12/12 I left this animal never ever will I turn back. Thank u kindly
@@alittlegold5647 I'm glad if it helped you! Much blessings to you on your journey.
First time I met my ex I didnt like him, met him again 6mnths later, still felt something was "off" stiil I ended up marrying him 😳 took 33yrs to finally listen to my "GUT" I will never ignore it again..
Jeez we're on that same timeline ! I figured it out , wanted out ,13 years ago, finally free of all liens and encumbrances this year ,just in time for the pandemic and lockdown with him.
My ex narcissist, I didn't get bad vibes from. But upon attempting sex, x just refused to get into y body part. It just wasn't happening. And that's never happened to me before. Not sure whether in hindsight, it was indicative of anything.
@Anne Hedonia I mean the front door. No problems being entered ever before. With the npd ex, somehow it refused to enter. And it wasn't even a size issue. It just plain refused to and we gave up. I remember finding it confusing as it had never happened before. Perhaps my body was like "nope", knowing something I didn't. Guy turned out to be a sadistic malignant narcissist, who tortured animals, tried strangling his brother in front of me, and whom I lived in fear with for the year I was with him. Extremely angry and violent indivudal whom I didn't dare breath around or else. I'm glad I made it out alive as he'd expressed he had thoughts of throwing me on the ground and kicking me to death, over what's simple human stuff to me and you. He had a very dark soul, and what's interesting is I on two occasions people pointed out he had a dark aura/energy, and picked up on bad vibes from him. Just glad to call it history and an eye opener. Offered much insight into human nature and the darker corners of it I was oblivious to.
@Anne Hedonia Thanks for the sweet words. They should indeed come with labels. I must be a rare case but I felt unharmed psychologically and in no need of therapy after. Saw no lingering damage. Throughout I'd kept my faith in God, kept a gratitude log, and digested life in a positive light. I also didn't take any of his tactics personally so it didn't affect my confidence levels etc. I was elated to be freed and my good life resumed. I am however intrigued by my new discovery of personality disorders, and read up on it periodically. (Always been into psychology). I also am ever so slightly more cynical as I now know not all humans are well wishing. Have a great day, Anne. :)
I'm at 31 years and like you always felt something was off... I ended up marrying him and it is only recently during lockdown that I've really taken the time to look into all of his strange behaviours and moods.... I recently read an academic article on covert narcissism and it was a lightbulb moment, I'm not qualified to diagnose him, but he completely fitted the description... I'm currently into 9 months Of the silent treatment ... he's communicating a bit more now, but only the absolute necessary stuff.m if I think about it, not a kind word in years... it happened so gradually I got used to the odd behaviours... sadly I'm still very much in the middle of it.. giving up my career to be the homemaker ( as he wanted) enabled a lot of this behaviour as I had no means of leaving... knowing what I do now, makes me realise that it isn't me, but it also makes me realise that it's over and I am just going through the motions each day just to get through it..... you were brave to leave and I congratulate you..
This is invaluable information, in my opinion. That's why narcissists bother you so much in the beginning, to prevent you from using your intuition and looking in. That's why they don't let you sleep, bombard you with texts and calling and don't give you alone time. That is sign number one.
Big sign
Yeah they are super attentive and charming in the beginning. Mine use to take me to run errands surprise me agree with everything but there was a voice in back of my head and a gut feeling I ignored
It’s called love bombing .. to make u lose sense of yours faculties and make u feel super special.. high.. so u can’t think straight
So True!!!!
Gotta keep feeding the fantasy.
“Verify everything, trust nothing”. Yep.
If there is something you can trust, it is your intuition, right? :)
Grew up with a father who exhibits narcissistic traits. Then I married a guy who always felt off - not a bad person, but something is missing. After separation from my husband and cutting ties with my father, the oddest thing is happening to my senses. Suddenly, when I meet new people, some give me the creeps. And I don't feel obliged to give them "the benefit of the doubt" anymore. If I feel like I inexplicably can't enjoy someone's company, I avoid that person. I think, throughout my childhood, I learned to ignore my permanently screaming intuition. Now that the main permanent triggers are gone, since I live alone, I can experience what "a quiet intuition" feels like for the first time. So now, I can sometimes pick it up better. There is a downside to this, though. Some people whom I really liked before the separation are transformed in my eyes. Suddenly, they don't look so kind anymore, but I feel like they do unsettling stuff.
Oh my gosh…… me too! After the relationship, two people in my life that I thought were my friends became more and more toxic. Or I think I knew it all along but could not tolerate or ignore it anymore. My intuition was screaming, “are you listening to me now?!!!!” I cut them out of my life. I cannot unsee or unfeel what I feel anymore. Just like Sam says, “if it feels wrong, it is wrong!” I vow to listen. I can’t ever be hurt like this again.
I relate so much!!
it took me so long to realize that my ex’s facial expressions never really matched up with whatever emotion he was trying to imitate at the time. after that, i couldn’t “unsee” it whenever it happened. it’s almost like the “uncanny valley” idea... his expressions were close, but always seemed forced. and when he wasn’t forcing himself to emote, his eyes just looked... dead.
M exactly! like they are clearly trying to imitate some sort of emotion. but only half of their face is reading correctly.
I love your uncanny valley reference, so accurate
Mine also used to misread my expressions frequently and insist that he was correct
I get that, i would be getting texts all the way over to my ex's house, how happy she was, couldnt wait to see me, how much she loved me...as soon as I saw her in person....you could tell her energy didnt even come close to matching her words. Cognitive dissonance kept me from following my intuition.
JJ Mac mine did this too. on top of that, he would project & accuse ME of doing the same thing, insisting that i was “fake” 😂
When I met my soon to be ex narcissist husband 15 years ago, this is exactly what happened to me. I didn't trust my intuition bc every now and then he would shape shift and I would get a glimpse of a person incongruous with the perfect gentleman with impeccable manners. Like his disdain for homeless people. Like a screaming rage meltdown in traffic. Like when he took it upon himself to buy a plane ticket and invited himself on a trip that my friend and I had planned before i met him without asking me. I was stunned, my friend wasnt happy about it and he acted like this was normal. Yet i said nothing. I could instinctively feel like i couldnt say anything because he would get upset. On and on. If my present self could go back in time and talk to my younger self I would tell her theres power in walking away.
There Truly is power in walking away, and they use all their tricks & tools to keep the spell over u so u feel like u can't. The "like it was normal" and walking/talking on egg shells really resonates with me. I have extensive knowledge on this topic, education even!! And yet, I've been struggling for a year to move on from a man i love, ignoring all the red flags & trying to convince myself that since he had been through similar traumas as me, that he needed the space and that I should dim my shine & not do/say things that'd upset him. I guess i always knew, but wanted to believe I could be enough to fix him
Yes, the lack of empathy with less fortunate people, as well as the rampages they go on for no reason at all , are warning signs. This is not normal human behavior. Run while you still can .
@aphrodite, you want to "fix him"? What makes you so arrogant/sure to think you could change him? He doesnt need "fixing" , but you need to understand that you are more than enough as is, and you have no responsibility to "fix him". How did he convince you that you'd be responsible for his mental health and for his behavior ? Sorry for my provocative style of question, but think about it please and you will hopefully see what I mean. Be blessed.
You're on point about something being off. I still remember that sudden sensation, an anxiety or impulse, that is associated with sensing danger. In the past I used to interpret that as love, but now I know its the opposite.
That's a feeling I get often around my bf. It's very unsettling and I've been ignoring it.
@@kristinhill4818 this is taking a toll on your nervous system... Don't ignore it please, for your health 🙏
@@kristinhill4818 always trust your gut feeling. I suspected my ex Narc was cheating so one morning i went to his house and caught him cheating. The moment i walked in there, i felt nervous inside, to the point where i had to ask him for a glass of water. It was a very nervous feeling but on the inside of my body.
Don’t ignore because you’ll find yourself not being (yourself) around him, I bet you can tell he’s not nervous or maybe never been nervous around you? That’s a toxic person. People who aren’t toxic get anxiety around people they don’t know to some degree. Psychopaths don’t get nervous!!
@@kristinhill4818 I felt this with a long term friend , each time i spent time with her ,, we were friends for years as soon as I started my nursing training I saw her differently, and I let her go , the relief was immense, it left me alone but finally at peace !!! Now with I look back in it ,, I could never be myself with her ,, always in a state of hyper Alert and anxiety,, it’s was a controlling relationship, she totally overwhelmed me,, and then I met a man like her , now I am alone with my son , strong and self reliant ,, 49 years old and stronger,, I can spot the signs and listen to my intuition the best armour any human being can have !! 😊
"Release the horses" I want to remember that. Every time in my life where I didn't listen to my intuition I regretted it. But I believe now Im finally learning to listen and just follow it. This is great advice.
Agreed! This man is a genius!!
Same with me. Only thing I wasn't aware of what intuition was was or if I could trust it. Trusting myself was/is the best way to operate and research everything. No one told me. Had to learn this. Peace.
I'm exactly the same. The moment some thing clicks, take appropriate action. No hesitation.
@@annbouchard6564
@@llkellenba Same. Never try to rationalize a gut feeling. Our subconscious has information for us, that's the "intuition". Our brain recognizes a threat before we can rationalize it. If we try to go the rational route and not listen, we create stories and excuses and end up lying to ourselves. Like if the milk is spoiled you're not going to rationalize and drink it. Your instinct is telling you "it's bad for you, dont drink it". But we seem to do the opposite when it comes to people and relationships.
dates feel fake anyway, with a narc around everything seems like PLASTIC
Very true!! Even with wannabe seducers (pathological narcissists), everything feels fake, phony, overblown, not related to the real world, sometimes, they are so stupid, they can't be bothered with YOUR truth, your reality, even your needs or desires.
Yeah being on A DATE is unnatural....
My friends called my ex N “vanilla robot”…. Detached and incapable of connection….
My father has always said he would rather befriend a murderer than a compulsive liar !! I now understand the reasoning behind this .. 👍
I call the horrible look and stare "snake eyes" or "cobra eyes". I wish I'd taken this facial expression more seriously.
I call it the death state. Super scary when you see it!
What are you referring to
@@Mistysfedora We are refering to the most awful stare that the Narcissist can give you when they are very displeased with you. It's scary.
YES!!!
Intuition= I walked with my colleague on the streets after a meeting. We saw dozens of poor people freezing in the snow, standing outside a charity organisation, to pick up free food. I gringed and felt so sorry for all those people. I said this to my colleague. He looked at them and did not show any facial reaction, and said "There are always many poor people. Who cares." ... my intuition told me to RUN. This was the first sign. I quit that job meanwhile and have blocked this person. I recently learned how he ruined ex colleagues of mine, that continued contact with him. I got lucky I ran.. Listen to your intuition people!
That alone is not an indicator in my opinion. We get desentized and it might as well have been me saying that depending on time of day and mood. But I wasn't there so I'll trust your judgement. If you take on everyone's troubles you will be drained constantly.
If you study kabbalah you will stop feeling sorry for homeless (or whatever your believe system thinks is a disgrace) though you will do something to improve society from the core, not from the urge to stop feeling sorry.
Omg, a similar situation happend with an ex. During the New Years Celebration on 2019, we along with his brother walked throughout the city of Dresden, Germany. People running, walking, lightning fireworks, etc. There was a 6 year old boy who looked like he had Down Syndrome was walking, alone, and he just looked scared and lost, but people are us, including myself, gave him space enough to wait for his parents or guardians. My ex didn't even stop, his brother and I did so did everyone else, expect him. That changed the way I saw him forever. Thank you for your comment 😊
Did anyone ever witness a fake laugh with their Narcopath ? My ex Narc had this loud awkward obnoxious fake laugh that sounded so forced. He would laugh and then stop with no expression.
Yes it was awful
Yes
Yes. 18 years divorced and I can still hear it in my mind. Horrible.
Yes 😮
1. If it field wrong it is wrong. 2. Too much effort is fake. 3. If it is too good to be true, it is false. 4. Do not believe everything, verify everything.
"Listen in, don't listen out." Amazing advice.
"If it takes too much conspicuous and ostentatious effort, it is fake."
My LIFE! Sam, I ignored the quietness, the uncomfortable silence when I first met him thru a friend!!!!!!!! I didn’t understand. I felt such sadness........ Of course at the time I pushed it away. Then when the switch is turned off it’s complete insanity! Who is this person with me? I have to tell you I have learned, healed soooooo much from listening to you. I knew sumthing was off. I’m six months from the discard and have healed and learned! I believe in this day and time it’s spiritual warfare at its height! I actually am grateful to know now. Thank u so much!!!!!!!
@@kusumlata1390 in the right context, yes, it is.
@@LisaMarieAdams can confirm - he was very quiet. Calculating.
I totally get your experience. When I started my relationship with my ex everything felt so empty, sad, like dead during the first month. A sensation really difficult to describe! Then, when she began with all the senseless problems it's when the relationship started to feel in movement, alive (of course, in a bad way).
That haunted look is so accurate to tell if they are. Sometimes there’s other clues too. Follow the gut.
Cold dead eyes of a shark. Aloofness often actually fear.
TheRonaldbaxter so true. Almost causes repulsion
Then half the time people will tell that their gut told them nothing. I can also imagine a covert narcissist looking for victims, feeling himself a victim and describing unsuitable victims as giving him a bad gut feeling.
My instinct was talking me through the last round. I did everything I could minimise the risk and clean up after the final discard. He was moving in. It lasted 12 weeks. I made it a reality instead of the shared fantasy. He couldn't tolerate it. It was no longer shiny and fun. It didn't last years thankfully
If it doesn't sound right then it's a lie. (Judge Judy)
I think she says, 'If it doesn't make sense it probably isn't true'.
True
@@susanneashton1340 You take makes more sense. There are no definites.
Your comment doesn't sound right. I watch Judge Judy for years, never heard her say that.
“People are waiting for alien spaceships to land on earth. Are you kidding me?” Loved that one! This isn’t my first time watching this, took me several times to actually grasp it.
Brilliant. It’s amazing how quickly the mind will override intuition. I found your work because I knew something wasn’t right. I couldn’t speak around this person. This was different than any other dynamic I’ve had in my life, and I have plenty of long term amazing connections. I had your book for 2.5yr before I got out. My final exit, I had a series of false awakening / sleep paralysis / gasping from suffocating dreams feeling like tubes were being ripped from me. Then the real reconstruction began. Aliens indeed.
It's not easy especially before we gain experience
My barometer was so messed up I would choose a narcissist because while in his company I felt so many familiar feelings... The feeling was like being around family yet I felt something was VERY wrong.... A strong gut feeling of there being something very sick while being around him didn't stop me because the feeling of being around family out weighed my feelings of there being something wrong. So I would continue the relationship which eventually shone light directly on family and I was able to see the familiarity was a source of comfort yet that comfort was indeed sick. It was truly poison. Thanks to your insightful posts Sam and many hours devoted to healing I can see the dynamics behind my choice(s).
This happens. I too get influenced by the comfort of "family-like", even though I am anxious in that person's company, I disregard the anxiety as that is familiar.
Excellent. My experience exactly!
I noticed that too, felt like family.
Having an extended period of time where you live alone and you don't date - it's been helping me "recalibrate". I've been noticing that suddenly there is a feeling of disgust or fear (or mixed) around some people that look normal on surface. And I won't be guilt tripped into "giving them a chance" anymore. I don't think that we completely lose our intuition. Rather, during our childhood, it fires all the time, making it a background noise. I think we can relearn how to use it by showing it, what quietness looks like. That's where the extended romantic break and a lot of therapy comes in.
This is exactly why I stayed- it felt so familiar. Now I know that my mother is the narcissist so that was the feeling of familiarity! Being aware, healed and wise is the way forward!
I remember that feeling of been completely drained after the first date.. I didn't listen to my intuition even though I remember telling myself thank goodness the date is over and was overwhelmed and grateful to just be by myself. I've learnt a lot in the last three years thanks to Dr Vaknin.
Total truth! Not only were my intuition and instincts screaming during the waking hours, I head, for the first time in my life recurring nightmares of being attacked and strangled by a man from behind (couldn’t see his face). His grip was so strong around my chest that he was crushing my bones and cutting off my breath. The worst part - I knew these nightmares were about my new partner. And I still convinced myself to proceed with the relationship. WTF?!? Took me 3.5 years to fight my way out of that horror. Took almost 1.5 years of intensive daily healing work and looking deep (and honestly!) inside, to finaly feel whole and strong again. And much smarter. 😉 Thank you Mr. Vaknin. I listen to almost everything you have to say. 🙏
It's crazy how we still went through with seeing them even after the red flags. I felt hypnotised at times it was the strangest experience I've ever went through.
I really like the content of this video. Thank you. Also, I can't speak for men, maybe not even for the majority of women but I believe lot's of women could simply observe and feel their body after meeting, while spending time with and leaving the person after interacting. Troughout my last relationship I developed this habit of holding my hand on my heart as if I tried to protect it while spending time with my boyfriend. I wasn't even aware of it, but somehow I needed to either scratch something around my heart or just plain put my right hand on my left shoulder and protect the heart with my right underarm. Also my diaphragm was tense around him, I had heart palpitations, the need to hide my hands by putting them in between my tights and my posture altogether was slouched and got worse by the day. He is perfect on paper but my body was rejecting him and I ignored it. I developed strong stratle responses even for tiny irrelevant things. I felt like a deer in the headlights but was so focused on the future he promised/mentioned I lived in this fantasy future for the most of the time. But my body lived in the present moment and I got all sorts of ill symptoms.
Thanks for sharing. Yes, I become very sick, too, around dangerous people, especially men, and my posture degrades, also. But I didn’t realize that it was the people making me sick… until I was 40 years old.
thanks Sam. Absolutely true. If i didn't listen to my gut 3 years ago, one man could have killed me in my sleep. I sensed that he was a killer. Not a narcissist, but an actual possesive disgusting killer. His body felt like metal. My body was screaming at me this evening to run the fuck away.. I ran the fuck out, decided that i'll spend only half an hour with him. He invited himself in my town for 2 days and then i said i won't sleep with him because i need to work the next day and he was so fucking angry, i couldn't believe that these pieces of thrash exist in this world.. I didn't sense narcissism but an actual murderer next to me, a killer. His body wasn't human, like you're saying in your videos.. they aren't human. I figured that out 3 years later, when i found out a picture of ted bundy )i didn't know who that was at that time, i just heard of him) but then when i saw the picture, ESPECIALLY HIS EYES, EVERYTHING clicked and in that second, i remembered that evening. He was DISGUSTING. DIS-GUS-TING. I never even liked him. To be honest, he disgusted me. I just liked how he looked the first time i saw him, but wasn't feeling it 1% for something more than some surface friendship. I hated how i always used to let him possesively grab me by my hand and he tried to lead me wherever he wanted - he did because i didn't have my own self. I didn't have my own back at all. No self to defend. I fucking hated that about me and him. I could have been a murder victim. This was an indicator that i really SHOULD start taking myself seriously. I can't explain how traumatic i feel after i figured all that out. But this is just what could have been, if i didn't trust my instincts. Now i know i have them. This was a warning for the future i guess. Extremely thankful here. GUYS - ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. Always listen to your body. Danger isn't love. Danger is extreme danger.
This is absolutely true! Really, it's common sense. We ignore our intuition, mostly when we are very tired, stressed or too busy. It is always a mistake, and you usually regret having ignored it.
I felt this within minutes of meeting him. I ignored it and still went for it. Now we have a child and I have been single. I believe COVID was a blessing in disguise. I too was to blame because I treated him the way he was treating me after some years. Now I only communicate with him via email only because I have to only when necessary. I am over everything I have realized what happened with both parties. I have accepted everything. I went through my pain and suffering for some months. I’m moving forward with my life quite well. Moving forward I will listen to my intuition.
After discovering you 2 months ago, you have become the integral part of my ongoing learning. Everyone & everything else to the wayside. After only seeing my 15 yr old son for 6 hours in 18 months, you have given me new courage to fight parental alienation. I thank my lucky stars I came across your knowledge. Please don’t stop doing what you do. Wishing you health & happiness.
I agree with you I live the same... My oldest son mentally kidnapped and manipulated that is rejecting me
i wonder who gives the dislike here---must be the narcissists hating the exposure :D
or must be someone who listened to the guy and verified him too?
Typical to call anyone who disagrees is a narcissist
Maybe people who realized that he's using intuition as a meaningless catch-all.
Beware of the robotic eyes 👀
@@traceykibble7518 Why do they do this?
My brain lit up when I heard you mention - micro expressions! In regards to the snippets of wrongness that are detectable....It is a fascinating area of study and I would love to hear and see more examples of and about this point! Hearing your thoughts on intuition and philosophy as well in this talk were great windows of insight! Bravo 👏
First red flag. Sex too soon and too easy. On that day we all know it could of been anyone. The narc would of done the same exact things with anyone. Even a hooker has the honesty to admit who they are. They also have the good sense to charge. Narcs are the lowest. Good luck sensitive people. UK survivor.
you are right on dude, brother.
Hey man, you know I didn't want commitment for awhile because I didnt want my kids involved with a bad step father. But i had a sex drive. And was lucky enough to meet a lot of nice men who were happy to oblige. It was great we had fun. I saw all my other single mom friends get married and have kids with two men. And they had only two ex husbands boss them around. When I was trapped with a narc the sex wasn't instantaneous. The sex early or late is no guarantee.
@Amelia Baldwin I'm so sorry you've been trough that. Just know that you deserved better, you deserve to have a choice and i hope you are healing💗 I have experienced this more than once myself. Truly vile, no decent person would ever even consider it or come close to it
Agreed to all of you ! Watch out how soon, how easy, and how often they want sex/are sleeping with someone, and learn to run away from them if it's too soon, too much, too superficial for you. Our society is sick, because it tells young people that sex is only a superficial bodily function. Nothing could be further from the truth. And for everyone who sees it as a purely bodily function= go and buy prostitutes! Just as you buy food and groceries. ..But take your hands off from real people.
A hooker is a saint compared to the Narc.
Thank you so much for the clarification on empaths. I’ve noticed a lot of people desperately seek that label lately.
90%. We're storytellers. Campfire story tellers.
I came upon a glaring "roadblock" before my first date. I realized way later my intuition was telling me to get away but I wanted the interaction so I did what I needed to do to get around it and went on the date anyway. I now see that roadblock as having been an angel sent to guide me.
I am right there with you! My sentence was 31 years. After 3 years from divorce, I still have healing to do...much healing!
I had an angelic experience on the last encounter I had with narc. I meditate to keep me strong, absolutely no doubt there's angels. Its only happened twice in my life on really hurtful occasions.
Please Professor Vaknin more lectures on intuition. We know the concepts now but how you do it in real life. How can you tell it’s your intuition not your brain. You said go inside vs outside? It was fascinating that intuition can point you to “ ugliness of a person ? How can I tell I am not just prejudiced? Also intuition as “ epiphany “ after prolonged struggle and frustrations solving something. I was wondering if you can teach more on this. It was the most fascinating way you talked about intuition. I struggle with intuition so much in my life. After the fact I say “ how you could not see this coming “ not only in relationship. I just want to be good person but I get “ screw “ over. I honestly Believe there is some outside force that protect me And shows me way out. Or maybe it is my intuition after all. Please expand more on intuition. Thank you so much.
my ex best friend calls herself an empath when she has cheated multiple times on her husband. she also needed validation from men all the time and has numerous online flings and keeps in touch with all her exes. i now know its a cover to make herself feel better.
Hopefully her husband wakes up and leaves the relationship.
@@aliciavernon36 Sure, empathize with the perpetrator rather than the victim. I see this time and time again... especially when the perp is female and the victim male. Nuts.
Wtf this is my ex friend too. She has been repeating the cycle since I cut her off it seems.
Staying in touch with exes is my usual go to sign when looking out for psychos. There is something ultimately wrong with the need to stay in touch with an ex, it always has that "controlling" element to it. Also constant need for attention from the other sex is a sign. That is not normal human behavior. Not even animals behave that way. If you see this RUN. Btw. I am sure the husband knows she is behaving that way, he tolerates it, that is why she does it.
Wouldn’t “cold” or cognitive empathy, be anti-empathy ?? If you can intellectually or logically realize empathy ... it is not empathy. ???
When I met my first narcissist, my knees actually buckled and I had to sit down. I thought it was first date jitters, but I was to find out later I was in the presence of pure evil. The air was sucked out of the room, everything in the background faded away and he seemed 10 feet tall. I should have run like my hair was on fire. As it was it was 8 weeks of pure hell.
Wow!!
THANK YOU for deconstructing the idiotic term "empath". It irritates me to NO END.
Then he goes on to set up a new equally confusing concept, namely "intuition".
Im probably hyper vigilant but I always get suspicious of people that avoid questions or use broad answers. Its like they undestand it can be weaponised against you. They also don't want be nailed down on what they've said, so they leave enough room for plausible deniability. A big tell is disrespect infront of other people imo. Thats when you see their lack of support. Im also conscious of the persons relationship with their parents. The irony of Narc abuse is that its almost self inflicted abuse on the abuser themselves. Their sadistic, self destructive, malignant patterns underpins all their manipulative goals. As they age they end exposing themselves, losing their social status, their looks, and still have the same problems that they need other people to fill their cup up.
God bless you for mentioning Dąbrowski! He is nearly completely fotgotten in Poland. But my mom, who was also psychologist (just as me) told us about him. And his "Be greeted, psychoneurotics!" is hanging on my wall in a noble frame. Thank you for your brilliant lectures. K. The recovering victim of a narcissist :)
Can you explain that poem for me
@@irisguevarez1313 You mean translating?
Thank you for confirmining my chilling observarions about their eyes. You're the first speaker I can recall talking about this characteristic. I also especially appreciated the advice at the end to focus in, not out. Focus in before opening your mind to someone. Thank you Prof. Sam for sharing your evidence based knowledge, as well as your passion on this topic.
Sam, your honesty is the only balm to soothe the pain, thank you very much I found myself continuously questioning my sanity. (Is it me? Is it me?) MAJOR RED FLAG!!!!! Getting in touch with my body is the best way to decipher deception from truth. It always talks to me, it’s my job to be a better listener.
So true about the concept of "Empaths". I feel that those whose align themselves as Super Empaths and provide dubious info about NPD are in actually Narcissists
Yeah I think “empath” designation is nonsense.
I saw a friend I know who seems to be a narc calling herself an empath and a healer. I am very skeptical now about anyone claiming to be one.
I recieve like a gift the words, "there is an ugliness there", with the narcissist. How true that is. That is the consistency. Although mislead by the exterior, there was an ugliness about him even cursing out someone on their death bed. In our focus on UFOs, there is alien life form in our face. My intuition scanned him and scanned him and could not process it. No record found. The record is humanity. He could mimick humanity, but there appeared time and time again, no genuine humanity within him. The look in his eyes, fight or flight was always there. Thanks Sam.
Very interesting. I dreamed of this guy I was with, he looked very different than in reality, the very portrait of "absence of beauty", it was just an empty face, without expression, disturbing because it lacked every kind of emotion, it didn't communicate anything. He said "we don't like each other". My intuition knew and tried to find his way to me through dreams.
I never trusted my intuition. I always had a sense something was off with my friend, ignored the Red Flags. I sensed she wouldn't take constructive criticism without blowing up in rage over small things. Her emptiness, one dimensional, shallow vibes I got from her. She even admitted she was shallow. 😒 I've learned the hard way. The Devil may not always turn up with horns and pitchfork. He may appear smilingly with wings and a halo. 😔
I watched this guys videos and his conversation always seemed detached and cold, and then I watch a recent video of you saying your were Narc. 🤯 it made so much sense listening to you and i respect your self awareness and knowledge spreading
One time a girl commented on his video about clarifying something and his answer was “ for the 200th time i said it yes “ i felt weird about that haha
Yeah he'll roast people in the comments haha. It's quite funny. This guy asked a very long question in the comments but spelled Sam's last name wrong. He just responded with one word, his last name, with the correct spelling.
Much appreciation. Very helpful. Making the distinction that our intuition can be a grounding guide in a vetting process and decision making. Create a great day.
Sam do you think it's a good thing to have this overexcitability which pushes you towards personal growth? I sometimes feel all that introspection drives me miserable. Isn't ignorance bliss sometimes? I can't help wishing I could just go about my life without cross examining myself all the time.
Dabrowski dealt with this very question in his writings on gifted people.
@@samvaknin this is so interesting. Food for thought. Thanks.
Einstein stated that “intuition is the highest form of intelligence.”
👍
So, in a very basic sense, when they say "when someone shows you who they are the first time (the intuitive reaction!) believe them!" I ignored my intuition till it got too loud to ignore - using confirmation bias for years, to excise to myself & others, what was, in fact, staring me in the damn face!!
This is blowing my mind. I come from a cluster narcissistic family and overtime I came to this conclusion of cold empathy, I watched my mum do this but I didn't have words then to describe it. Amazing and the 4 rules are life, thank you 💖
@@Naallaa 💕
If it feels wrong…it is wrong!
This is one of the most valuable and informative videos I've watched on KZhead this year. Thank you.
Not only a lesson on intuition but study methods, the explanation of phenomenology really resonated for me. Finding the essence of the situation (the spirit of it) is key in channeling the intuition needed to grasp the reality of the situation instead of grasping the shared fantasy for insight.
I look back at how he started to talk to me, our first conversation. I remember it vividly. I can now compare his false chatty bravado then to how he talks to people now when he's lying. It's creepy knowing I'm with him now because I accepted and felt compassion for his desperate false persona even though he's dangerous. I know it will end badly!
I love your expression ‘false chatty bravado’ that describes my ex perfectly! He would be mad at me, ignore me, then see someone he knew and flip like a switch into false chatty bravado! All his conversation with others consists of that and it is creepy. I have had a very high conflict divorce lasting almost 2 years now but I’ve already won by waking up to him and not loving him anymore. So thankful for Sam’s insights into their dark minds. There’s not a local psychologist around who would ever have been able to help me like he has.
sounds just like mine. serial cheater
This is one of the best lectures I’ve attended to in my life. Amazing structure and content!
I adore this advice of listening in and not being shy about the sensations.I will listen in on sensations around those suspected of npd. It will be a curious test of consciousness.
The more I listen, the more interesting it got and deeper the attentiveness. Thank you
I really appreciate your keen insight into malignant narcissism. You break down the nonsense empath/ narc bs and force people who truly want to avoid dealing with malignant narcissists in their future. I hold responsibility for my mistakes having been married ( and now divorced) from one and not ever wanting to play a victim in my poor choices and self sabotage in choosing that type of person. They are absolutely pathological...it takes going through the muck to see it though. Thank you.
Oh wow , I think your remark “ it takes going through the muck to see it though “ is one of the most healing things I’ve come across to stop me feeling ashamed at how I was “ taken in “ . Thank you so much
@@suzannebennett1542 be well!
I am with you Prof. Sam. I am an agnostic too. Thank you for sharing your view - it makes me feel a little less alone in my beliefs. Your teachings and extreme intellect coupled with being able to relate to your students with your sense of humor is great.
Thank you so much for this video Sam, love your sense of humour also....Now I know why I get what I describe as a creepy feeling when I meet some people...just never knew what it was. !!
This is truly frightening me. My intuition is so strong it scares me. I live in a state of anxiety. You cannot deny your intuition and trust them. they threaten you when you expose a truth they don’t want exposed. They go into rage and then shut you down like a light switch. So is gaslighting considered a form of lying?
Absolutely gaslighting is a form of lying. One who does this is creating/formulating a falsified version (or not) of the truth, or making up a story ENTIRELY TO CONFUSE YOU. It's horrendous and extremely disorienting. Some don't really realize they're doing it, that's just how far removed they are from existing in reality, but some do it on purpose. Those are the scary ones.
Thank you Professor; you are a wealth of knowledge. I have come across and involved myself with Narcissists. Have great empathy for people that have had a rough life, problems, etc., and tend to listen with my heart more than my intuition; obviously overlooking all the intuitive signs hitting me over the head; which would help me much more to avoid enormous pain and suffering.
One of my biggest problems was letting lust get my way it seemed to override my intuition and logical senses ..being involved with narcissists many times they always gave me a manipulative sad sob story and I felt sorry for them and wanted an opportunity to treat them well and be treated well little did I know that that was just something to gain access.. I think I’m making progress though because I’m learning to pick up on energy and spot people with swag and game / manipulation tactics..for what it is. .. The sad sob stories do not have the same effects that they used to.
The lust and the sob story and wanting to protect got me everytime for how many times I got love bombed over the last 10 years. The sob story was he was so depressed about something some stories he made up but now I learned the truth. He was having a child with someone he wanted to with and that woman has taken him to the cleaners and the court , that whole time he’d come to me for soothing and comfort. It might be childish but it relieves me to say I cursed every singe day he was with me to ask me to soothe him and may all these days be taken off his time on earth. I know it’s vile but I’m so hurt. He is old now hence he came back for the last hoover and love bombed, this time unfortunately I asked too many questions and asked proofs. He didn’t last long in this last love bombed. You see , I got stronger in myself and wiser. I chased him out of the house , he went running and drove his car in reversed so afraid of I don’t know what! It’s funny when I think of it. This grown ass man went running as he couldn’t face the Shame I was throwing at him. Don’t think he will ever come back!! I literally chased him out!!😂
I can't love this video enough. It is sooo spot on. Listen to your INTUITION. Yessss. This has got to be one of my very favorite talks of yours, Mr. Vaknin.
This makes sense! I have an ex who was diagnosed by the military as NPD. I was puzzled by the fact he had empathy in certain situations…for his pets for example. He fit the profile to a T otherwise. The day did come, however, that his 2 beloved cats wound up dead and my dog started getting ill. We could never “prove” it, but I knew he killed those cats. After I left him my dog recovered.
Absolutely love you Sam. Addicted to your content. 😊❤ my mum died last year, listening to these videos has helped me through my grieve. Massive thanks to you. I'm still married to my narcissist husband 😢 slowly slowly working through this dilemma.
This lecture is so good. It coincides a lot with some of the material I have been learning in college this semester. I asked my ex out. We agreed to meet at his work. I remember the feeling I got when he came up behind me. I looked at him, and my heart dropped. It was the weirdest feeling, because I was really attracted to him. I pushed it out of my mind and continued to pursue the relationship. However, I always felt this empty feeling with him. I could never put my finger on it. Nothing felt right, even if things were going well.
You verified my intuition in feeling that when so many healers or astrologers, women and some men say they are an empath...well, I always thought it sounded weird to re-define a natural feeling most all of us get as energetic creatures. Thank you, Dr Sam. I feel egotistically puffed up and vindicated for now.
Unfortunately I shut my intuition down while dating him, despite all the signs. I understood later that my chemicals were pushing me hard to him because my brain and body Were used to such treatment since I was born. my mom is overt narcissistic and the father of my kids is a covert narcissistic. It’s very hard to understand all this BS. Thank you Sam
I remembered the first time I met him at the airport where I work, he looked cold, detached, aloof and awkward. Our early conversations was a series of him only speaking about how many females he slept with. The first time I addressed it, he told me he thought that he could be open with me and tell me anything. He simply could not grasp how inappropriate it was. When he is up he seems grandiose and when he is down, he acts covert. He swings between both based on the mood I guess.
I really would love if you could talk about this - a question that came up during this absolutely mindopening lecture: when one’s intuition is „run, it doesnt feel good, its dangerous, its somewhat wrong, etc“, why is it hard to follow it, what other reason can there be next to wanting a date, sex etc.? What is there to be learned, why is it difficult to leave, why can one be so attracted to this person even if the intuition is saying that its wrong?
tbh Im scared... he's nice to me currently for the most part. found out he's lying all the time and cheating so ive had it. but im very worried about how vindictive hes going to get. this could be really bad and I know it.
What I'm learning for me is that it reminds some part of me about relationships I had in my childhood with adults who were in charge of taking care of me. I was attracted because feeling unsettled and strange and anxious, etc was familiar to me. I'm working on why I still seek those kinds of situations out so that I can stop doing it.
Just in the first four minutes, professor, i have gotten so much. Thank you for sharing your insight!
What a brilliant mind. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. 🙏🙏🙏
I'm so gratefull for this video. I'm a male that has been anxious in my current relationship the 4 relevant keys were all bang on. Too much effort=fake...so true. Today we end our bullshit relationship. I has been hell for me. Neglecting my needs and wasting my time, unstable, lies about who she. Thanks!!!
I had watched prof.sam b4 but nit in a few years. I'm absolutely loving his eloquent descriptions and commentary on such important and extremely helpful knowledge. Thank u so much for sharing prof.sam 🙏💖😁
'The appropriately named philosopher, Kant'... Ha!
.. & as we know, there’s no cure for being a Kant 😆
This is so educative and clear! Thank you!
Wow! I didn't have this knowledge, but I always had an intuition. When I was very young I didn't know that I must listen to my guts. And I had too many unhappy experiences. If I knew then... But I was lucky that I started to listen my heart intuitively. And now with all this knowledge, I feel allergy to wrong people psychopaths narcissists, manipulators and liters. I feel them so clear and I feel disgusted and sick in my stomach. I cut them off very polite, and they are surprised very much. I feel very right that I followed my feelings. But in early age I thought that I should give a chance and I was screwed. Now I don't spend my time and my life for bad people. I understand that nobody can be changed for good. But how many psychopaths are around, and
I loved it! The "constant dualogue" is something I will keep for sure. My greetings from Greece! Plato says hi too 😋
This is one of the most interesting videos I've watched on intuition and narcissism. Thank you Prof. Vaknin.
I am so thankful for your videos and insight Sam.
Thank you for clearing up the online mess.
Yes I agree with the trust issue, I was a very friendly child and always trusted everybody and i grew up into an adult who was far to trusting and I would always see the best in everybody but had the habit on turning my back on anything wrong that they did thus I grew up and spent my adulthood being hurt and being used by others and getting into alot of toxic relationships with various toxic people and narcissists. Hopefully now after being hurt yet again and now beginning to learn and to heal hopefully I won't get caught up with these negitive toxic people yet again. I was once told I was my own worse enemy now I am understanding why.
Don't change because of toxic people. You sound like a lovely person. I myself will always be me regardless of toxic people and I know who iam at the age of 63.
@@joannastanden5816 thank you ❤️
This is one of the best speeches . With great respect. I recently compared a narcissist with an AI program . Fantastic- thank you.
Dr. SAM, thank you for sharing such important information. I am sure you have engendered many sons and daughters, myself one of them. I am so glad that in my life time I came across you!!
I met my ex in 2021 and true to what you say, Professor Vaknin, I should've trusted my instinct about him from Day One I heard his opinions and saw his behavior. Raised as a Roman Catholic, I try to see the good in people and I always think that each person has his or her own quirks; I know I have lots. Been watching all your videos and sharing them after I discovered your channel this year. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and I hope you keep healthy. Much love from the Philippines.
Your content is critical for survival especially these days. Thank you for sharing with us.
wonderful video to rewatch Sam, thank you as always
Thank you for this wonderful lecture. 💓
Incredible amount of knowledge shared .. In defending the truth and integrity of your professional life work you are selflessly guiding and empowering the people. Your videos are tutorials and of such high value. Thank You.
I absolutely 💯 % am greatful for you. I was wishing to have this exact conversation about this topic. I cannot express my gratitude. Thank you
Mahalo Professor Sam!🙋🏻♀️ You are. Helping me in my healing process..love & ALOHA🌺 from Kona, Hawaii….Jody