The TRUTH about Incels
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▼ Timestamps ▼
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0:00 - Preview
0:10 - Reddit post
6:12 - Emotional impact
12:56 - So what do I do?
15:08 - Process your emotions
22:36 - Perceptions and becoming resentful
27:16 - Questions
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"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness; that is life." - Capt. Jean-Luc Picard
It's what I learned when it comes to availability. You can work on yourself, make your life better, but it's chance to find a person that's attracted to you, and vice versa. There's a lot of people to go through, and to be actively seeking them out is exhausting.....the you have to figure out what responsibilities or issues they have when it comes to long term relationship. Average people are terrible in knowing all of this and helping you with the exact skill or person that you need. You need connections to find unique connections which may have the person you want...but it's exhausting going into that with only that goal. I thought of all that and figure it's far more easier to work on yourself, for yourself. I'm also have lowered expectations, so knowing that any random woman found me attractive gives me confidence that I'll find another one.
The mistake most men make is just being ugly and not neurotypical. Too short, balding, autistic, any one of these things happen and it's over for you.
@@alfredgomez3128 I never thought of it like that. It's chance to find someone that's attracted to me.. Working on myself isn't a magical fool proof magnet... Live and love life. Be patient and someone will come to me kind of thing eh? Appreciate the comment thank you
@@ignisx3791 I met my wife a few months after I swore off dating to just take care of myself for a while and get my career back on track after I took a leap and failed hard. It was a complete accident and I told her as much and told her I was more interested in pursuing a friendship. She was so interested that she was willing to wait for me to be comfortable with the idea again. I got there, and she was supportive without being pushy the whole way. A few years later, I married her (and yeah, she was the one who proposed, lol). So yeah, I was 31. Be patient and someone will find you as long as you are putting yourself out there enough to be seen. Go do activities you enjoy. Join groups online and/or in person with people who have shared interests. Find comfort both alone and with friends, then you'll stumble on someone (or them on you) who just... clicks. Also having a cat or dog doesn't hurt. ;) Pets are chick magnets.
@@ignisx3791 yep, be "interesting" and " available", cause just being nice leaves you as a plain, law abiding person. That's still better than being in jail or having a bad record, so be nice in order to have free time to develop yourself. It just sucks to be on the long end of that route, worse if you lack social skills and don't have a proper place to practice them. Either you live near people who know skills, or you pay for classes or people to practice with. It's also "unfair" as assholes can get technically good skills and be around people, thus potential partners. That doesn't mean they have healthy relationships, and their partners can be assholes as well, but the skill is there should they need it. It's still assumed that once you're comfortable with yourself, the prospect of short term dating or doing stuff with attractive people should be feasible. You can still be on the short end of a love life, still need to go further out there, but you're not acting desperate for it.
Imagine being taught self love, confidence and relationship skills from your parents
I have not found a more relatable thing on the internet seriously
general confidence is largely innate. if it were gameable we wouldnt last as a species
It's also important to remember said parents may not have such virtues
@@matt566 what is your point?
@@Leighzer Means if you don't have it working on developing "confidence" probably won't increase your odds in any other way than just giving you more opportunities to meet and interact with women. it won't change necessarily which ones say yes versus no I don't think
The thing I find amazing about this post is that a girl breaks up with the OP because she says she wants to be with someone she is proud of and his response isn’t, “wow dodged an absolute bullet there, thats a terrible attitude to have, she was a terrible person”, but rather “I’m short and shy and I can’t get a girlfriend despite being great”. I feel like a lot of mistakes people make is that they’re looking for a girlfriend rather than looking for an actual good person they care about and who cares about them. Fuck people who don’t care about you.
There is nothing wrong for a man to look for a partner. From evolutionary standpoint a man who couldn't reproduce with a woman is a failure who couldn't pass on his genes . It's a natural desire among men to chase women .
It’s really easy to say fuck those people but sometimes they’re all you’ll ever have
@@ecclecticsayonce5131 you think the only people you’ll ever have are people that don’t care about you?
"Loving yourself is the end of the road. Not the first thing" - honestly the more I live the more I feel like this
This dude isn't being incelish, he's not blaming women or demanding women to do anything
The only parts that even come close are things like "If a man is born 5 inches taller...", which is bad, but sometimes you get too frustrated it seeps through your inner barrier to maintain human decency. What should be said is, "I feel like if I was 5 inches taller...", which is still a misguided sentiment but it's not inherently blaming society/others and it's more of a confession.
@@m_uz1244 Also he probably only said that because he is truly self conscious about his height regardless of what any girl has said to him.
@@m_uz1244 that’s not a misguided sentiment, it’s an objectively valid thing to be dissatisfied about. Did you know that being taller = better income, dates and overall life? Hell even the suicide rate is lower if you’re tall. There’s literally hundreds of scientific studies backing this up.
Yeah but plenty of guys who can get laid believe in shit like that and none of those guys get called incels so-
This is my “get therapy” and “muh patriarchy teaches men that they can’t talk about their problems” are useless because the second a guy points out the causes of his problems he’s told that he’s blaming others and not taking “responsibility”. Everything will always be the man’s fault
"The more emotional we are, the lessons that we learn sink in deeper but they're actually less correct" love this!
This is generally true, but it's not always true.
I opens the door for it to be less correct but sometimes its very correct. don't just take that bit of advice at face value.
An accurate observation on psychology and becomes even more true when you look at the state of politics. There's those who know and those who don't.
framing indoctrination and a lack of critical thinking as a good thing. Nice. I don't like this quote it actually proves that you should think with your emotions as little as possible but most people don't see it like that.
@@creeperkingdom3190 not framing it as good, just less logical when your emotional but things stick harder
Ask a pretty girl what their idea of an incel is. Chances are you get a stereotype like fat, sloppy, neckbeard. They're not. They are that nice neighbor who works at a factory. The accountant who works 9 to 5 who is health conscious but a little bit short. The brother of your BFF that always seems nice and who your friends say, "He's totally into you," but he doesn't check all the boxes. They are normal regular men.
Exactly.
Inceldom has nothing to do with looks and everything to do with personality. Human communication relies on subconscious clues and incels put out an aura that repels women. Their internal struggles seep out and poison their healthy relationships and they justify their failures by placing the blame on uncontrollable genetic and physical factors and women, rather than the obvious painful truth. They never look inward to realize that their attitude is the problem.
The funny thing is that a lot of people like to focus all of their attention on the roaring lion walking around the city, when the real danger is quite often the snake in the backyard or the spider inside the house. In other words, too many women tend to picture their greatest threats as these foaming incels ugly on the inside and out. However, the most dangerous abusers are often normal looking (if not handsome) men capable of using their natural charisma to ensnare unsuspecting women. Men like R. Kelly and Ted Bundy had many genuine (if abusive) relationships with women, and therefore cannot be considered “incels” under any definition of the term. That didn’t stop from victimizing dozens or even hundreds of female victims.
I don't know if I am pretty, but I'm a girl, and my stereotype of the incel (and most of the ones I've encountered so far) are: often skinny, sometimes quite fit (because he works out in order to get laid), not socially skilled and with a huge lack of empathy. They also talk about themselves and their hobbies much, and the rare times they ask women about what they like, incels ask these questions without really caring about the answers. And often, they belittle women's hobbies or, if a woman happens to have the same hobbies as them, they strangely want to show her that they are better than her at it or know more about it.
@TH2714 I wonder what the demographic is for these types. Do they come from a single parent home? Are they home schooled? These sound like guys who are just socially inept around women and do not understand that you need to treat a respectable person with respect. A guy who one ups the story of other guys at a get-together or party is hated as much as the guy who one ups the girl in her own hobbies.
I’m always very empathetic about anything that makes a person feel insecure. That being said, as a 5’ 4” man, it always kind of blows my mind how many guys that are within an 1” above or below the average male height are insecure about that. I’ve seen guys that are 5’ 10” claim that no women will date them because they aren’t 6’ tall. I think it’s great that this guy is putting effort into changing the things he can control like his weight, his job, and his overall mindset. Worrying about your height is pointless. I’m not gonna try to claim that being shorter doesn’t make things harder. There’s actually a pretty significant amount of evidence that shows that there are legitimate negative outcomes that result from being shorter than average. However, it’s not that hard to find women that are even shorter than myself, and aren’t going to judge you for something you can’t change. If someone won’t even give you a chance because of your height, they aren’t even worth talking to.
It blows my mind too knowing there are guys who are dooming that they aren't 6' or whatever. As a man who is 6' myself, I can tell you that being this height is not magical at all. I'm the loneliest and most depressed guy I know. Women won't even look at me haha
I'm 5'4 too and I agree, it's only a problem if you make it one mentally. There are plenty of girls that are shorter than me that don't care about height. Even some taller girls would date someone shorter. If they care that much about height then that's okay, everyone has a type
It's so exaggerated how much women care. I believe there are women out there who think it's a big deal, but honestly I've never heard women I know even mention a man's height. We talk about their beards, their hair, their fitness, their hygiene, their silly walks, their obnoxiousness, their accents, how progressive or backwards they are, their age, whether they're considerate in bed..... Basically everything except height 😂
Here to join the 5' 4 club. Added to that, I'm heavily introverted and vocally invisible to 90% of people. Besides just the relationship insecurity, it can have some bad matches with other shy attitudes that really make you invisible compared to others when in person. It ain't the end-all, sure, but it certainly makes you feel like the ghost of a group to the others perceiving it. To me, it's a way of life. I listen more than I speak, reflect, don't really care about it because other people's opinions or attention don't concern me. Most others though, would likely not enjoy it as much
ask out the tall girls. many will be fine with it. I'm 5'10" and most of the guys I've dated are my height or shorter.
Important lesson in life: You can do everything right, and still fail.
that's correct that's a paradox still don't change genetics , hypergamy and natural selection .
@Robert Lofty because what's leading to your failure may not be what you are doing right or wrong but instead what is right or wrong with something else. If you can figure out how to make the adjustment in relation to that something you may be able to succeed. If not at least you know your results weren't entirely dependent on your preparation so you won't feel this heavy depression & self loathing.
@@thatblackguyfromnedsdeclas3063 Or as a lot of things in life, it can be plain luck. You just have to keep trying, you only lose when you surrender.
@Robert Lofty Even though not everyone who works hard is rewarded, everyone who has ever achieved anything has worked hard. You try because you at least give yourself a chance, (however slim), and that's better than no chance at all.
he didn't work out
Emotions teaching wrong lessons: I used to play as fire as a kid. My dad used the belt when he cought me; to teach me fire is dangerous. Lesson learned as a kid? Don't play with fire around dad.. he's dangerous. Half joking but I couldn't agree more with Dr. K lol
This is every corporal punishment response. It's not "don't do x" it's "don't get caught doing x" The punishment isn't intrinsic
@@OatmealTheCrazy nice, because the fire didn't hurt the individual. Interesting thought discussion
What a load of utter bullshit. This charlatan is asking people to process their emotions while usually the main issue for failure in dating women is physical appearance. This guy can’t give you the answers about why your dating life is not working as you want. Maybe he can help you to cope with being single but the problem doesn’t usually come from men behavior but rather how they look.
@@Lo-to7zh Well Mr. 2 subscribers and no videos.. why don't you make a video point by point on were you think he's wrong?
@@andrewwillard5773 He doesn't need to. I think he's referring to the blackpill and there are enough videos about it on KZhead.
A wise man once told me: "It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness, that is life."
A guy should always have abundance mindset . A guy should interact with multiple woman so that one rejection or breakup doesn't effect him . Thanks to redpill . Women respect man who gets desired by other women .
@@opaquely yall are weird asf😂😂 I'm 5'8 and fairly handsome all types of dudes tall short, handsome broke doesn't matter I get their girls attention all the time. Yall really should get over that height stuff it's annoying. Unless you're like 5'0 or below and even then you still find someone for you The weird part is, if you check the insta and YT reels about height, it's always men going out of their way to talk to women about it. You rarely see women go and ask other women about it. And because you're so naive you fall for it without realizing internet is not real life. And lastly, if you don't get a lot of attention from women, who cares love yourself and find that one girl. Why you chasing every girl in the world? Why do you need to be desired like a male model to feel like you are worth something? Don't yall realize this mindset is what's holding you back...
@@Southpaw88 Exactly... the only people I ever hear talking about height are men.
Its not like you can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself. Its more like its harder to accept love from others if you don’t love yourself.
"It's really hard to love yourself if you haven't been loved by another person" I'll hold onto that line. This video opened up my eyes about "You need to love yourself before you can love another person" - I've been told that many times and kind of believed it. But come to think of it, I did really love at least one person before (it was unrequited), while self-love is something that was 100% alien for me for a huge chunk of my life.
The difference is between feeling loving (being in love) and loving (behaving in a loving--i.e. healthy--manner).
Same! I never loved myself and still struggle with that but I had my first love last year (also unrequited) and what I felt during that time is the closest I’ve ever had to loving/ caring about myself. Apart of us just can’t fully trust our own thoughts so external validation is necessary sometimes
@@SanguineMalcontent Hmm. I'm not sure I understand the difference.
I think a better line would be "it's a lot easier to find people who will love you if you love yourself." Either way, be careful not to turn that into a codependent situation, where you rely on someone else to do the you-loving for you.
@@asdrt6405I think it's mostly because of what self-hate manifests in a relationship. People who don't like themselves tend to bring a lot of really unhealthy behaviors and tendencies.
Look, just saying this goes for everyone, if a prospective partner rejected you based on something as trivial as height, you lucked out, cause if that kind of thing is a deal breaker imagine how many other "problems" they would find to pick at, you didn't miss out on a good relationship, you dodged a bullet and won't have to walk on eggshells with them.
vast majority of women would filter someone out for being 5'8", it doesn't say anything about them
@@9core in dating apps sure, cause dating apps encourage that kind of nitpicky behavior of "height before actually talking to someone"
Really depends on your goals....if your just wanting to get laid then being turned down for height may well be a disappointment, but it isn't obvious that just "getting laid" should be the goal for everyone. I know for me, it's just not in the wiring of my brain to sleep around. So I look for people who I can have a stable long term relationship with. So far in 32 years I have meet 3 woman who fit that category. Got to be realistic with what you want before you can complain.
@@enthiegavoir5955 dating apps create incels, they are 100% right when it comes to that part of dating, but there are other options.
@@9core according to whom and for what purpose? I'm not exactly disagreeing with you per se but curious as to why you seem to think that is a universal truth for all suitations vs say just "hook ups"?
I never learned to love myself until I met my wife because before her I never was loved by another person.
Not even by your mother?
Bro, my mother was a terrible woman. She was manipulative, she isolated me and destroyed my self confidence and tried to keep me in a degraded state. She messed with my mind even into adulthood. She never cared about me or my well being. Bro there's a lot to it. This could be a book of how she's the worst person I ever had to deal with. I'm just glad she wasn't my actual biological mother.
Isn't it strange how no one wants to be alone, yet we call people who are scared to be alone entitled?
????
@@renatatostada3318ppl call incels entitled for wanting what everyone else wants
@@worscohlino, they’re called incels bc they think they’re entitled to sex, and no one is entitled to anything that has to do with another persons bodily autonomy. They’re called incels bc they’re not just upset that they aren’t in a relationship or getting sex, but because they lash out- sometimes physically- at the person who rejected them no matter the context of the rejection. They’re called that because they’re bitter, shitty people who take their hurt out on others, and that’s acceptable in literally no other situation so I don’t understand why people are pretending that they’re the victims here. Of course everyone deserves love, but they’re not entitled to other people. And that’s the mindset of an incel, that’s why the internet makes fun of them. They act like spoiled brats when they don’t get what they want, and that’s how an incel is identified. They aren’t just men who want love, they’re men (or women) who think they’re entitled to other people
@@worscohli it's not about what they want, it's more about how they approach this things All of us wants all different things, but not all of us acts entitled on them
@@daje_ne_jaba to he fair though i think its generally agreed that not only is it normal for 99.99999% of all beings on planet earth for the last couple billion years to have a partner but its essentially the reason we exist in the first place (in an objective sense of course) so if one cannot access such a thing I don't feel like its unreasonable for them to feel like thy deserve the same thing everything else in existence gets
Usually when someone says "you're not enough", what they mean is "I'm looking for someone to make me feel a certain way because I'm dissatisfied when I don't have that feeling". It's far less personal than it seems on the surface. I find it helpful to sympathize or even relate to that longing/desire/dissatisfaction and maybe ask what kind of person they're looking for, take an interest to learn more about them, or just secretly wish them the best/success and say bye. :)
Usually it just means you aren't good enough. It's even worse when below average women start telling you the same.
And it also can just mean that she thinks he is not good enough. Why would you assume otherwise without context?
yeah. that's what I feel like towards some people and what I struggle to communicate. thank you for putting it in better words!
This is a very complete response you outlined here, but the vast vast *Vast* majority of the time you're not gonna be able to give them that feeling no matter how much you engineer yourself that way, so it's much better to wish them success and say Bye-Bye! :)
Your right and it's also a sign of what would be a bad pairing anyway. If someone is looking to date to chase a feeling or a therapeutic reason it's a good indicator that something would not last cause once the honeymoon phase is over with that is when the real work begins.
"Work on yourself" is the "thoughts and prayers" of relationship advice
No, it's solid advice that 99% of people are too bratty, entitled, and lazy to actually take seriously and holistically
@@botanicalitus4194 And you think you're the exception?
@@jakobsylvester7449 Where did I say that? Or are you just triggered by my comment and thus decide to jump to conclusions about strangers
How long do you work on yourself... and when is it enough?
That is really all there is to it. There isn't some magic formula. You better yourself. Get in shape. Study. Do things to make yourself more attractive. The worst mistake a lot of (guys) in bad dating situations make is expecting the world to pander to them at some point like the universe is going to toss a bone just for fun. It doesn't work that way.
Easier to blow ones brains out rather than deal with this garbage. I mean honestly, everytime everywhere at all times its the same spouting lines over and over again. "Just be yourself / Love yourself / It will come in time. / You are not trying hard enough" Best part that if you present a counterargument to these quotes and you are looked as an even more of a "sore loser". People like that can just FRO. Save us the melodrama of quoting the same lines repeated over a thousand times.
yup this basically means "hey somebody will eventually find you lovable"
and then hear you all complain about how nobody tries to help you, stfu
I've had a couple of girlfriends in my dating experience and I'm by no means a "Chad" or whatever the sexy strawman you guys invented is called, I'm a fat short nerdy depressed autistic weirdo like a lot of you are too and really you just have to be nice, literally just be a kind and caring person, that's all, obviously that won't attract every woman, but being kind at least is the bare minimum and a lot of people don't care for much more than that, they just want someone who is nice
It's repeated often because it's true!
Whenever people say :"There are more fish in the water." or stuff like "There is a soulmate for everyone" I have doubt that these people have internalized the statement: "There is no such thing as a guarantee to anything in life, only chances you can theoretically de and increase" quite like I have.
it's also a very one-dimensional way of thinking, "There is a soulmate for everyone". Okay, thanks very much for that advice, lemme just date 3.7 billion people to find that one soulmate, like wtf? It's just such a cope quote to try and maintain a false sense of hope into these men that just end up wasting time trying to find that one person. It's honestly really sad and I genuinely feel for the men who can't find anyone at all, just because of the fact they're in a place that have no women interested in them at all.
Those are just platitudes that women love.
It's just one of the many scions of the fair world fallacy.
"you have to love yourself before you can love someone else" is just a gate-keeping line people will use on people that struggle with self image and mental problems like anxiety etc... just because they don't want to have to bother with someone that wasn't dealt good parents growing up and may need some extra understanding... my heart goes out to this guy, you're not "entitled/incel-ish", you're hurt af.
Because humans are inherently selfish creatures. It's not about who you are, it's about what you can do for them
You're entitled and self centered and unconsciously prideful to be due to a misguided idea that it makes you smart", also you yearn for a mommy to hold your hand all the way to be better and people can perceive that, that's why no one wants to get near you, no one is responsible for anyone's self improvement, this is a process you do yourself because YOU want to get better, and how? Expand you horizons, see beyond what makes you personally miserable and realize there's more people out there that's also suffering worse fates than you and that you're fucking lucky you can just mop around your room all day. Stop staring at you own shoes all day and make yourself busy, distract yourself with physical activity, go to the community center and seek for classes to attend, force yourself to be around people and listen to them, reply to their questions, talk back, smile around them, and seek help from someone capable of helping you, form a routine, receive some sunlight, go for a walk or jog arounduntil the sensation of anxiety gets drowned by your physical tiredness. These are all fucking valid ways of "working on yourself" you don't need to be 8feet tall nad have a six pack, all you need is to be a better person than you were yesterday, last year or 10 years ago. It will be hard to notice the changes, but slowly you'll star realizing than going back to how things were frighten you, and that'll be a sign that you're doing it right.
Its true to a degree, and im saying that as someone who only just recently has even accepted he isnt an awful person. Its rough. And ive certainly not been... the most lucky with the people who actually are attracted to me (a manipulative cheater, then someone that broke up with me the first week for an ex of theirs, then a guy who had... unfortunately too many issues for either of us to handle. (Split personality and other things as well...))But i do have to agree to a point that if you actively hate yourself you cannot hold a healthy relationship. That is unfortunately how it is. You dont need to fully love yourself and be at peace. But you have to at least have something positive towards yourself. I know its rough and honestly scary. I think that all made sense but let me know if it didnt.
I get what you're saying. I feel like it's ultimately a terrible situation to be in. It's not fair to expect people to want to jump into a relationship with someone who may have a lot of crucial problems they need to figure out internally. But at the same time, mending the mind can take years. We have a very finite amount of time on Earth and it's sad to just tell people, take 5 years dealing with a therapist before you have the right to be in a intimate relationship.
@@Astrothunder_ Nobody's expecting anyone to do anything. But you can't limit other people, you can only limit yourself. If you're not ready to be in a relationship with someone that has panic attacks at night, don't. But you can't stop them from finding someone who's willing to love them even if they're going through shit. Mental issues can be a lifetime problem. Who are you to say someone else can never have love?
I remember the first (and only) time I started dating someone, I was promptly ghosted, and I never figured out what I did wrong that led to it, but the damage it did was more complicated than "There's no point trying to date.". It felt connected with all my other interpersonal struggles, and sort of contributed to a body of evidence saying something like "You are too different from the people around you for socializing to be anything but painful and awkward." Over time it's grown and mutated to an even more specific belief, to the effect of "There are too many unknowable forces working against you both external and internal in nature, for socializing to be even remotely worthwhile." It's not always where I can see it or taking the steering wheel, but it's one of those things that when I get hung up on it, boy oh *BOY* do I get hung up on it. I'm pretty sure the combination of autism, ADHD, childhood trauma still tucked away, and adulthood trauma I haven't accepted, has left my brain permanently in some degree of 30-degree tunnel-vision fight-or-flight mode, so there's only so much nuance or abstraction I can process at any one time.
oh boy It's me
To summarize. A thing happened and ur emotions turned it from a little thing into the world hates me I’m disgusting. Yes traumas, and other things do that. Don’t even label urself. Imagine if u had positive reassurance instead of being told u have problems
@@rockyp32 that summary invalidates their experience and is based on your assumption that what they went through was less severe than they say. An assumption you have no reason to make. I'd delete your comment if I was you.
I'm sorry to hear that you aren't in a place where socialization feels possible right now. My brother in law has autism and childhood trauma as well. He's just beginning his journey of healing. In my experience, putting oneself in an emotionally healthy environment for a long time is what allows us to heal. Doing that is easier said than done though. Healing, and I mean healing completely, IS possible. I've done it and many of my loved ones are or have done it. It takes a very long time, but I believe you can accomplish it too. Best of luck
I’m in the same boat
Truth about incels is that, like the word karen, it became a meaningless insult towards people you don't like, most often than not used without its proper meaning, like the word commie a lot, or the word fascist. Words lose meaning when you overuse them in the wrong contexts, who would have thought
Honestly I disagree...incels and karens just scream that energy. There is a huge difference between a man venting on his frustrations and an incel or mgtow just babbling about how he cant get any because of redpilled chads or whatever Commie and fasc did lose their meaning though, cant disagree with you there. However I still see that it happened mainly because one of the parts never cared to study at all and calls any /progress/welfare communism and still thinks fascism is about WW2 italy Leftists overuse "fascist" but hardly ever miss tbh. 100% of comment section fascists I have seen been called out were actually bigoted flatbrains
It was so funny (read irritating) when the word "incel" went mainstream, because like you said, it was constantly used by people who had no idea what they were talking about. I spent a good number of months actually watching vlogs and video diaries from men who were calling themselves incels before it became a social media buzzword. It was video after video of dudes talking about how much joy and beauty women bring to a man's life, how beautiful women are, how much they love all these little idiosyncrasies that women have, etc. etc. they largely weren't sexual, they were men longing to connect emotionally with a woman, men wanting to marry and have families with women. Then out of nowhere it starts getting used largely by women as insults to red pill dudes.
@@losgryfog That's interesting. As this whole top8c became mainstream, I have only seen the official incel-forum and incel subreddits and both were filled with hate (towards women and themselves / each other). I can imagine that there is / was this whole other world of incel communities that were the opposite of the communities that went mainstream/viral.
@@lolasonne1772 There's absolutely the toxic incel forums, beliefs and such, but I think it's always important to know that people in places like that are already very deep in a quite dark hole. On the other hand, the amount of vocal toxic incels in comparison to the amount of silent suffering studies point to occurring is super low. Men are already taught to inherently suppress emotions. Vocalising the suffering on something like a incel forum already means, to many men, they've failed beyond repair by needing to open up. The amount who just go through their day trying to be better and longing for connection and seeming to never receive it with no guidance and support (and let's be frank, active mockery in a lot of the mainstream and from many supposed supportive people) is a lot bigger than the amount of active regular users in places like r9k for example and it's why nobody knows what to do. You'd be surprised at how many pretty normal and generally well adjusted men seem to have the same struggles and it's only getting worse.
So often I find that men who are “incels” are just pursuing the wrong women, over and over. It’s really sad.
Not really what I found. I find that most incels pursue no women, and are rejected by all women.
@@someonesomeone25 a chicken whether it knows it or not is gonna be sent to a slaughterhouse ince/s just know the outcome most are very hiqh iq
@@someonesomeone25 couldn't agree more. I went through an incell phase a few years ago under the assumption that most women were just assholes, but now that I am actually friends with some women I know that couldn't be further from the truth.
@@bensput2471 Some women are assholes. Some aren't. Incels are just bitter, angry and lonely because they haven't had their basic psychological needs met and have no hope of getting them met.
@@someonesomeone25 if they don't pursue how do they end up getting rejected?
This is why I stopped looking at self confidence and started knowing my self worth. Most look at what skills and net worth you have and that determines your value. I am no more important then the homeless guy on the street or the person sitting next to me. But I am unique in my own way and my values are my own and there’s a lot of value in that. Who I am can bring change and value in the world but what I bring in or do for a living doesn’t determine my value because my value is being me. It was once said don’t look down on anyone and don’t look up to anyone because your not them…your you but accept people for who they are.
I agree and thanks for this comment. I think I have a similar thought when it comes to making art. People always say there's nothing original anymore but at the same time there is probably something you are doing that only you could contribute because that is the nature of being an individual with a very specific collection of traits and experiences. It doesn't make me or my art exceptional but it does help me create.
@AdolphHipster who cares what they value. In the end it’s you that determines your worth not them. People can be as shallow as they want about it doesn’t mean we have to play that game. Your more then those requirements to be picked. I don’t know about you but I refuse to let rejection determine my worth because it my worth and not theirs.
@AdolphHipster no it won’t if you don’t let it. Been rejected before by shallow women. You need to stop giving the other person so much power over you. Not everyone is going to like you or want you and there shouldn’t be a issue with that. Just pick yourself up and move on. It sucks at first but after a bit you learn not to waste time on those who don’t value you.
@UrAverageChad same level as having shelter? Fuck no.
@UrAverageChad As someone who went a time without either, shelter is a hell of a lot more important then a woman's touch. One almost killed me the other was just annoying at worst.
We shouldn't be celebrating bashing people for just being unlucky
Heh they did vote for Biden until it's proven otherwise.@@daviouscram2101
@@daviouscram2101 What does that has anything to do with this?
Incel into not winning and blaming it on women 😂
"Good things come to those who wait..." "Don't focus on dating, just focus on building yourself..." Don't ever believe things whose truthfulness can only be proved when it's too late.
Incels should learn game .
Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I worked on myself and still get nothing. You should work on yourself, but it probably won't get you women.
There are tons of miserable people in relationships. The problem isn't that you don't have a gf, the problem is you aren't happy with who you are as a person. In other words, you haven't worked on yourself enough yet.
@@st.haborym One of those things I don't necessarily agree with. You can be pretty happy with yourself but a lack of a partner makes you unhappy. Loneliness does mean you are generally unhappy, it means you are lonely.
@@st.haborym PLenty of totally happy people in relationships that would be absolutely miserable without them. Are those people unhappy? Nope.
one thing I don't understand is: why do I have to go to the gym and everything and there are people who are much worse physically than I am and still succeed in what they do?
Good point. These normies and foids don't even work out, many are deadweight to society, yet they still suceed in dating because of their face and height.
Luck. I'ts simple as that. No need to overcomplicate things, dating is 100% luck based, the only way to get it right is by getting your odds better by grinds then keep trying
It was all about personality and being yourself all along
Being funny
Keep rolling that dice. It’ll come up twenty eventually.
The world is in bad shape when average height for a man (5'8") is considered "short."
Gen z is tall af
@@Catchcookie And they still have trouble dating?
@@VVabsa Cause they also have high standards.
@Terrorists WinYes, people do generally want those that stand out. That’s completely fair to desire the exceptional over the average.
Im between 5'3" and 5'4" This is bad, isn't it?
25:52 "The real tragedy is when they don't understand the value of what they're dating, and you AGREE with them"
How does that matter at all if a long term partner is what you want and pretty much all women can do is remind you you are worthless? Get a nice collection of those experiences and u prob just learn you arent what women want. Regardless of how many rainbows youve stuffed in your butt.
And at that stage you've lost a year or two of your precious life, rinse and repeat, what a glorious life, spend every waking moment "working on yourself" and poof you found a wrong woman better luck next time baiiiii, yea this method sucks.
While it is certainly harder for men to find relationships than women, the gap is not as high as some people seem to think. By age 40, 22% of women and 28% of men have never married. 35% of people never married have never been in a relationship. It's not just about being attractive, finding love is a very complex and highly randomized process and it has been getting harder for everyone, not just men.
Preach!
That's a fact.
best take i've seen in a while
There is a huge difference. The typical 40-year-old single woman, has had dozens of sexual partners in her life, and hundreds of men who were potentially interested. If such a woman is single, it is ONLY OF HER OWN CHOICE. On the other hand, there are a huge number of men who no one has ever wanted, and it is not their choice.
@@pedator666 do you have any stats to back that up, or is this just another example of trusting things that support how you think the world works?
I feel like people forget to mention that yes, “success in relationships” in a lot of ways is self improvement, communication and confidence, but there’s also a luck factor involved. Not every person you come in contact with is going to see that worth in you and all you can do is try not to let it get you down. It’s LITERALLY luck, and that’s okay.
I don’t think we should call that luck. We also don’t like or see value in every person we see or meet. Is that me being unlucky? No
I need to be careful not to let my emotions lead to my conclusions. Such good advice
Indeed but in this case it a load of crap, we try and try to use our emotions to find what we want to find. Even when we are at a calm state and in this case its true that almost nothing matters other than your looks, as a man you need to be essentially perfect otherwise you might aswell give up. look at actual statistics and you will see what the world is really like and what you are really like by extension becaus im sure you think you are above this, you are not.
@@thesaddestdude3575 Your first step isnt to find a girl but just connect with people, even if theyre all men honestly because maybe some will be in relationships and they will tell you theyre not perfect, their partner isnt perfect but they try and make it work the best they can. Theres no statistics there that determine women have some empire over relationships, please let me know if there is thpugh. Youre in a dark place by the sounds of it, but its not the reality, we're all just trying our fucking best, women arent trying to ruin our lives
@@thesaddestdude3575 believe it or not I get it I believe you and I care. Sometimes I comment on videos and forget it’s a mens space. I was saying this more for myself than for any group at large.
@@thesaddestdude3575 think about this: every man that you know and is in a relationship, are they perfect men?
emotional people are weaker because they don't think straight.
The one thing I can relate on is the parent teaching you self love. My parents were good and all, but are not intimate people. I'm doing ok now, but I wish they would have shown interest in me or something like that to instill a bigger sense of self confidence. Trying to learn to be self confident and love myself as an adult is sometimes infuriating.
Read the book “adult children of emotionally immature parents” it really helped me understand and work with that lack of parental nurturing in childhood.
@@XingAoShen i read that years ago. I remember sobbing and raging uncontrollably. It was such an experience. It changed my whole perception around parents as a whole.
I’m there with you 100% brother.
@@XingAoShen gonna look into this. Thank you!
Thanks for the book tip, will look into it.
I am tall and attractive on paper, women think I get women but I don't, somehow I'm the living embodiment of "You look good, you are just not my type". I have been single(and by that I mean sexless) for the past 7 years. I still haven't formed a conclusion as to why I'm not liked by the opposite sex, I just deal with the fact that I am as lonely as can be. Most of the issue is probably how fucking rare it is for me to be around a single woman and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in that club.
No social life. Too nice
Stop trying I did, just start hooking up for sex cause honestly our personality types seem to get women to want to be around us but never want to be with us. I’ve asked most of my Gal friends and they always say I’m not their type even if I put in the effort to get to know them and expressing that frustration ether makes them cry and gets you called entitled. Give up on trying and get laid for the sake of experience it, women want a rich handsome guy not a nice guy.
I'm not sure I can give you any realistic advice, but I've generally noticed that the more you want a partner, the more others can sense that need which eventually becomes a desperation. I'm basically grey-asexual/aromantic and and other than a few years in my late teens/early 20s, I've never really experienced that knawing feeling of *needing* to be with someone. I enjoy the opposite sexes company and I like feeling liked, but a lot of people in general have this feeling they "need" to be with people that I just do not understand. When I sense it from another person, especially someone I might be interested in dating, it's utterly and totally repulsive and I run from it. I'm not extremely confident or talented, I'm definitely not rich, but I am comfortable in my own skin and doing my own thing. My life is basically complete on my own, imperfect as it is. I have kind of a 6th sense where I can detect that same headspace in other people and it's where I tend to gravitate given the opportunity... Towards people who are imperfect but complete on their own, but willing to share some of their time with me.
Everyone is lonely, even the most attractive women on dating apps are lonely. The only difference is that sex is in abundance for them and when that's the case, it holds no value. I'm convinced dating apps are the worst thing to ever happen to datingm Everyone is holding out for someone better.
@@snowballandpals I've been in relationships and I promise you I wasn't lonely then.
As a short fat (and was like that all my life) woman - i get the struggle completely. The world fucked us up - but that doesn't mean that we are fucked up😅
Say it again 💪🏾
Just be confident and have 12 showers bro
clean your room
Be yourself
keep grinding, keep hustling, anything is possible.
@@Narasthenics With copium, anything is possible. You just gotta BELIEVE.
Absolute chad
I just feel so damn broken and lonely. I hope you guys have all the success in the world!
@@BigLoloFrmDaO yeah, what’s up?
Tell your old school friends to hang out with you . I am also doing the same .
Sad, lonely, and horny is the worst combination :,v
This has been my feelings recently.
No I am contemplating an hero every day when I have any spare space in my brain.
The idea someone is "enough" or "not enough" is hella toxic. We're all just naked apes, be with someone not because they satisfy your notions of what you "need" but be with them because of the person they are.
@Mincrafystyle That’s nice but that advice is as useless as the trash you find on the street, guys trying to be themselves won’t get anywhere unless they improve themselves and if they reach pinnacle they’ll still struggle. It’d be beautiful if we could just love each other for who we are but we have needs that need to be met weather they finically, emotionally, physically, it doesn’t matter people have needs.
Fuck I love being a primate
Who let you cook?! That, my friend, is called having standards. Everyone has them, everyone _should_ have them. Some standards are more unrealistic than others, sure, but "be with them because of the person they are" is just a bunch of nothing in a beautifully colored dress. At its worst, its terrible advice, and at its best, it's redundant. Let's put some specifics into this logic. "Be with a hard-working person not because you like people who are hard-working, but because they _are_ hard working." It doesn't work because being hard-working isn't valuable unless someone finds it valuable, and for someone to find a hard-worker valuable, being a hard-worker must satisfy that person's criteria for "valuable trait" (aka, it must meet their standards). See how it doesn't actually go against anything, even if you don't go for the bad-faith interpretation which says that you're telling people to not have standards?
@@goldenpersonwhoexists8834 I don’t think he is telling people to not have standards but to choose on what matrix those standards lie. For example, only dating people who like the colour red sounds unreasonable, no? Some forms of value are more important, I think, than others. Like character and morality. I think it's sad to have superficial "standards" that don't really mean anything at the end of the day.
@@bossl7900 How did you gleam that from OP's comment, though? Also I believe I even admitted that some standards are worse than others, so I 100% agree with you there. OP's comment implies that who someone is should have inherent value to you _aside_ from how many of your standards that person meets and how well they meet them. I basically said that such a response was redundant at best because if someone has value to you, they _do_ meet your standards for "valuable person"
when people say work on yourself what they really mean is "maybe somebody will eventually date and find you attractive, though nothing is promised"
Nah idk man. I needed to work on myself and now I pull just fine.
@@Libtardwhich is really good, congratulations
@@Libtardwdym exactly
I try to stay away from blaming my dating woes on physical traits I have no control over (height, face, structure, etc) mainly because there are a shit ton of short, fat dudes pulling girls "out of their league". Is dating more difficult when you're shorter? Yes, but not impossible. Also, see women rejecting you over superficial reasons like "i want someone i can be proud of" as a good thing because that's a red flag and more than likely she's not a good match for you. Stay away from the incel talking points because you're in a good position in life. Don't squander it away by developing a toxic attitude. Dating takes time, so in the meantime pursue hobbies to make your life interesting.
why is it that a man needs to be rich well built and attractive just to date an average girl who has none of this.
As usual, we're missing a lot of context in this guy's reddit post. There are three sides to every story. Yours, mine, and what the truth really is. We don't know if the girl is actually a "red flag", and if her saying she wants someone she can be proud of is about his looks, or probably his ambition or self-esteem. Most of the time women don't want a man who is a project. Its more important for him to continue working on himself than point fingers at the woman for not wanting someone who is in the middle of a metamorphosis
@@creeperkingdom3190 If u go outside u know thats not true at all.
@@Meaganttv nope. We need to listen to men more
@@andergarcia4953 I see it every day so I think he is right
I feel really sad for that guy. Imagine having all that and thinking that's just the journey and not several destinations. The whole "do all these things and you'll be rewarded with the ultimate prize: a relationship" is such bs. I hope he's just out there enjoying having such a good life and not worrying about "getting the girl shaped reward at the end of the movie, or else what's the point" tripe people keep peddling.
omg yes thisss!! obv happens to girls too but i´ve realized with guys i´m dating that they are seeing the relationship or the person (me) as the prize and being like "omg why are you with me now at this point of my life when i don´t have much" and it just really comes down to me liking them and wanting for us to be in each other´s journey to the prize and little to do with what they already got but more what it feels like being with them and how they treat me... it just really comes to that.
@@amandaborges9218 That is great, I hope you are able to express that to them. Men in our society are often raised with this performative sort of framework, that bootstrap mentality, we often don't realize that people can like us for us, when we're being ourselves/authentic. But be aware, that goal-seeking and validation-seeking behavior isn't necessarily negative. It's a driver for excellence and achievement and often a green flag for healthy masculinity. Ambition and self-motivation can be very healthy when they are authentic to our personalities. I think a lot of men would benefit from the women in their lives to tell them that they love that about them... It's like that thing about playing guitar. Me playing the guitar isn't the thing that's attractive about me, but a woman who is attracted to me will like that I play guitar.
@@garmisra7841 A man's worth isn't entirely derived from his accomplishments but comes close to that. Without at least a handful of solid indicators of current or possible excellence, most people will not even look at you. There's a reason most homeless people are men. Only person that will like you for being yourself is maybe your mother.
yeah.. the achievements should be something we live ourselves for. I think any positive changes we do should be something we find joy in. in this case.... also I wonder does he have fulfilling hobby... does he have a pet?
Everything you said is true. And moreover, the guy’s attitude towards love seems really weird. What the girl said sounded kind of dickish, sure, but I’ve never felt romantic love towards someone because of the weight they lost or because of their salary. All of the things he listed are nice to have, but they have little to do with love. Maybe he’s just an asshole in a relationship? Maybe the girl is an asshole? Or maybe they’re just incompatible? Oftentimes, that’s all there is to it.
Internalizing the fact that you are not entitled to happiness or success is such a liberating feeling. Makes you realize that everything you accomplished, no matter how small or big it is, is your own.
this is a better way of thinking instead of coping or gaslighting people to death. The problem is that the truth is harsh and although Dr. K probably at some point accepted the truth and it makes sense to him he rather does not mention it to the public because it's just too harsh to accept and will obviously hurt his business. Truth is the world is superficial, no matter how hard you work, your looks dictate a large part of your destiny and your character development and happiness. Yes, you can get a girl friend or a wife if you make money and ur average looking...etc...but at the end of the day...they just had to settle for you because they failed to get the one whom they truly love and will always reminisce about when they live with you. You will never see in a million years unless there's some genetic malfuction a hot girl passionately kissing an ugly or even average dude on the mall....but you see it all the time with an attractive guy.
@@laptopstudy3279the question is. What is Attractiveness? Is something improvable? What i learnt is that attractiveness depends of framework where your confidence can shine or not. If you go on gym and you are play in a band, trainers are more attractive than you in average. If you're playing in a pub and there is the trainer, in that moment you are more attractive for women there than trainer. For this purporses, for me the only answer is this one. If you do the best of yourself you'll create something where you can shine and increase you possibility to catch women. If you don't do nothing for yourself, you don't have possibilites.
cope
The part about "truly love yourself before you can love someone else is bullshit" made me actually subscribed
its kinda true though. you gotta have yourself in order before you can have a good relationship.
@@RagingInsomniac well that's probably going to take a couple of decades
If loving yourself is the prerequisite to loving others, then to me this means that love is a virtue that has varying levels of existence: Just like people have differing amounts of patience, so do people have differing amounts of love. The more love you have, the more love you have to give! Right?...
@@A55455In47I0n Love is made up social construct, yes we made it up like the boogieman and tooth fairy, love is what you call 6 months of chemicals that compel you to breed, if relationship is what you want an long term one then you need to let go of contemporary understanding of love because it has nothing to do with what love in the past had meant those words may as well be strangers to you now meaning of which changed and not in a good way.
Of course it's easier to love others, I _know_ how effed up _I_ am! ;-)
Regarding the "It's easier to love someone else than yourself", you hit the nail right on the head for me. I can respect myself as a human being but I often have trouble looking past my issues. My inability to start on important things. My need to run away from problems until I actually can't run away anymore. The list goes on. I didn't believe I was at all attractive until my online friends and I started turning on our cameras in discord servers together and they all just kept saying I look amazing. Now, I don't know if I'm attractive still but I at least am able to like the way I look now.
I didn't fully understand the explanation on why he disagrees on that can you elaborate? I've been told many times that phrase and kinda believed it, because I think is my lack of confidence, self-love what sets me apart from even trying to get woman, the thought of: I am not enough
@@timrodler6584 People are much more critical towards themselves. You will likely remember something stupid you said that may have seemed embarrassing, but when other people do the same, you won't remember it. So you will notice a lot of the things about yourself that you think are imperfect, but others won't notice them. That's how I think about it anyways.
@@nathangehman7018 Very good point and made me reflect about it, thanks. The overheard "you have to love yourself first in order to love someone else" I think is refered to as you have to love yourself in order to "perceive" love from others too. Is it more correct? maybe it needs a bit of thought and I can be wrong but it kinda makes sense to me
More than anything else, what I hate is how much shame is pushed onto incels by society as large. We're told women shouldn't be judged by their partner count, and I completely agree. However, men get the absolute crap judged out of them if they haven't had sex, especially at a later age like 25+. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I'm such a nice, great guy and women owe me something because of it. No, I realize I'm flawed and full of personal shortcomings (like many other people) and I don't think I "deserve" a relationship at all. At the same time, I hate having to feel like I'm a horrible person because I haven't had sex before, or that me not having sex indicates something is "wrong" with me. It's unusual, certainly, and I'm not particularly enthusiastic about feeling like sex is a secret club I'll forever be denied entry to because of "reasons". The thing is, I think many people have this tendency to want to believe that women will only sleep with "good men". They don't. Sexual attraction is more or less based on a very specific and arbitrary set of standards that vary widely from person to person, and generally speaking the qualities that people find arousing in a raw, primal sort of way, usually don't have much to do with whether that person is "good" or not. So, nobody should have to feel ashamed just because they haven't had sex before. It's absolutely worth looking into self improvement if it bothers you enough or you've been unsuccessful enough that it weighs on you, but you shouldn't have to feel intrinsically awful because of it either.
yeah it's like if you are a woman and you haven't had a sloppy slew of dudes nut in you, and take artificial hormones which are probably responsible for breast cancer and infertility, you're a paragon of purity almost an idol for religious reverence.. but some dumbass writer for a newspaper can get away with writing a column about how an incel is a guy who hasn't had sex in 6 months, and strongly links that with terrorism?? the double standard is appalling.
I think that it is also not healthy to tell people that women won't care about that when a lot self reportedly really do. Same as telling women that men totally don't care about their history. I don't think it is the correct solution to indulge in make believe.
The thing is, it is totally okay to judge a woman based off her sexual history when it comes to dating her. A history of promiscuity can be one indicator by which someone can tell that she won't be a good partner to dedicate all your resources and commit to. And a lot of men do care about this. It shows poor decision making and impulse control. Everyone has what they see as a low and high bodycount, but most people instinctually care about this. But yeah, I think in many ways you are describing something that people are willingly ignorant of. And that is the fact that being nice in and of itself is not a good way to get laid. The metrics by what makes a good short term sexual partner and a long term partner for a woman are different. I think this is a core problem that I see all the time. Just "being nice" isn't enough to set a man apart. Most people are "nice". Why do emotionally unavailable men get such a rise out of women? It is good stuff to think about.
It's why when I talk to woman.....I'm just straight up honest when asked and say I'm a traditionalist in alot of ways. And the ones who stick around are the ones smart enough to understand what I mean by that.
@@redmarble5624 alot of the the whole being nice is bad thing comes down to just being fuckkng vanilla as a person. Like if your nice and show the capability to be a absolute monster ass....your going to get alot farther because it makes the times your nice mean more then just the default state of affairs. It's like the adage of" it being better to be a warrior in a garden then a Gardner in a war." You should be the warrior who likes the garden on the side.
It is still possible to lose a relationship due to one person. I had to leave my ex-wife because she refused to take any responsibility for her own mental illness. Meanwhile, I took responsibility for my issues. Like a fool, I thought that I could save the relationship by myself. Nope! But when you wake up in the middle of the night and see her sitting in a chair watching you sleep, while holding a huge kitchen knife, you know it's time to get out. She was the problem. Met a woman afterward, who does take responsibility for her own mental health issues. We've been together for 24 years.
Bro, I thought it was a joke, but what a weird story, for how long you have been living with her in this condition before getting out? Holy crap
The woman who was holding a knife seems kind of psycho, not someone with mental illness. Psychopathy is not brain dysfunction, it's lack of empathy and conscience. They know what they do but they just don't care harming others, they enjoy it. Glad you left unharmed.
@@Lyrielonwind Mental illness can lead to a very similar situation, depending on the severity of the illness.
The idea of working on improving oneself, the only person you can do that to, is not a formula for dating. It’s just good advice for life in general that certainly can’t hurt on the dating front.
"When I become emotional, the world becomes black and white" 14:00 - 22:00 is a great segment. Be careful of the conclusions you come up with based on the limited experiences you have. Be _especially_ careful of the people you choose to be around who may reinforce said conclusions. Projecting your hatred and resentment to all women doesn't help you - incel ideology isn't a hidden eye-opening truth, it's self-torture that devolves you as a human being.
This.
Wow, what a nice summarize and think to reflect. I Agree with this
Incel ideology might be seen as self-torture.. however, blackpill is NOT self-torture.. its just misunderstood because of normies that (as usual) take things completely out of proportions, which results in writing it off as self-destructive.. in fact, it "fact-checks" every aspect in life in places that nobody (especially normies) acknowledges..
Love how being INVOLUNTARILY celibate got twisted into some evil ideology. A third of men under 30 aren't having sex. Imagine being deemed unworthy of intimacy and touch, and the stress that puts on millions of young men and show some compassion. They aren't all resenting women, but it sure seems all women resent them.
@simon behrendt Incel ideology is by all means a valuable resource that offers a valuable insight into the minds of its adherents. The things incels say are by all means a reflection of the internal struggles they face. It's just that these things aren't factually correct.
Had to take a long break from watching Dr K because I started getting into this weird place thinking I could help my friends the way he helps people, and I realized that was feeling super extra wrong because I am basically 0% qualified. Glad to feel like I'm back on the right path, reminding myself of my own boundaries and just wanting to learn. I missed Dr K so much...
The best help you can be for your friends is being yourself and a good friend and taking care of yourself before you help your friends, it sets an example and the art of practical self love is a pita and a thing we often neglect. Keep some money set aside, try to keep your head on even, keep your affairs in order. It may not seem like much but when crap hits the fan that bit of self love will buy you precious breathing time. We often learn from each other and a good question is worth its weight in gold. If you want to help your friends, be a good friend and know when to help, and know when to be helped. All the rest we figure out along the way.
You don't need a degree to be good at something, you need to become good at something to be elligible for one.
@@decoy1312 amen 🙏 a piece of paper 📃 doesn't determine YOUR ABILITY .... But it might REMIND you of em 🤣
Maybe send them some dr k videos
Master yourself before trying to teach your ways.
Really glad i discovered this channel. I am now realizing how many mental and emotional battles i conquored all on my own, strictly from a moral/ethical stand point. I've had my "i hate the world" moments, but simple rationale such as "but does the world hate me?" always made me ponder at night. Long story short, the logical conclusion was always "you are too insignificant for the world to hate, but this does not mean you are valueless. Continue to get better not for the sake of the world, but for the sake of improving the quality of your time in this world." Everything else that contains any semblance of virtue, will follow. I think the biggest victory for me was coming to the realization that my first actual real love as an adult, will never be my soul mate. Hearing her utter "i don't want that for myself" crushed my soul. I went to a dark place, like a lot of actual incel's do, but there was this odd interaction happening. I would spiral into these hate filled trope's about women and life, but it would always be kept in check by questions like "is she a bad person for wanting for this herself?" or "Consider how you would feel about her desires if she had not made thi decision." in order to avoid becoming what i hate, and i what i thought she was doing, i had to question what am i doing, and why am i doing it. It always came back to the same conclusion. Be better for the sake of being better. We are all trying to do just that.
I have not ever heard about that vision of the "self-love" kind of statement. The quote "It's much easier to love someone than it is to love yourself" is so accurate. I have no other person so well with all their decisions and flaws to hate as much.
The 14 year old boy who has a girlfriend shows how relationships really work. He has a blank life résumé, and yet some girl has decided that he's good enough in his given state to want to spend time with him as a potential mate. In other words, he didn't have to engage in this stupid and humiliating ritual about "improving himself" first.
The game is rigged but we’re all supposed to pretend it isn’t. The second someone’s thinking “I need to improve myself so that I can get a gf” it’s game over for them because the guys that girls like, have never engaged in self improvement, they were born attractive and everything flowed naturally from then onwards
@@johnwilliams655 No, that's where you're wrong bud. How can you be so delusional as to think you can't increase your dating prospects by losing weight and gaining muscle, and grooming. Sure, you may never get super attractive women but it will get you somewhere. I've experienced it.
Because from the age of 13 to my mid 20s I was completely obsessed with working out/physical fitness. Around my mid 20s I attempted to use tinder. Since I’m only attracted to bigger girls, I’d swipe left 95% of the time and super like any girl over 200lbs. Using this method, I superliked over several thousand plus sized girls and got not one single match. I’ve only hit on one girl in my life, I was 21 at the time and the girl was in her mid 40s and about 300lb. I was insecure about only being 5f9 but because I had a 6pack at the time I thought that might just get me over the edge. I tried talking to her and was brutally rejected. Later she left with a bunch of 6f5 guys that looked like male models. Meanwhile some gamer guy I know that has never exercised in his life and does nothing but play Call of Duty has had close to 100 girlfriends all due to his superior face.
@@johnwilliams655 Buddy, you MUST be trolling. I have gynecomastia, which makes me too insecure to take my shirt off in public. I also have fluorosis pretty bad on my teeth. I also have protruding ears. Look those up of you don't know what they are. The only thing I have going for me is a half decent jawline when I'm lean, height of 5'11 and an ok physique when my shirt is ON. So my body is fucked, and so are my teeth. It's like an all you can eat buffet with fat chick's for me on Tinder and other dating sites, if I wanted. You definitely don't have to be anywhere close to a 6'5 male model to attract whales. You must be leaving something out of your comment or doing something VERY, VERY wrong. Do you have a major deformity or something? Even an ugly guy with a six pack should be able to get boat loads of fat women.
@@hiimronstuart1 If a young man is healthy, able-bodied and employable, he already has at least 90 percent of what he needs to succeed in life. It is not at all obvious what he needs to "improve" about himself.
I was taught by my parents at a young age that I wasn’t enough, that I needed to do more with my life, education, and impact on the world. I dropped out of my first year of college. I distinctly remember feeling so depressed and suicidal one night that I went to my mirror and verbally abused myself on everything I thought was wrong with me. I realize now that I was talking to myself. That I was reinforcing the deterioration of my self esteem, at such a vulnerable point in my life. I don’t think Ive made up for the years of life, emotional damage, or lack of interpersonal skills yet. And it depresses me.
I thought there was going to be a happy ending
Hei, Adriel. I would like to ask how old you are. In terms of making of for the years in life damaged by low self-esteem, it's never too late. I know this sounds like a bad cliche, but I speak from experience. Also, since I am 35, I am starting to understand how hard the newer generations have. I am trying to encourage people like you, while at the same time getting to know the hardships of today's youth.
@@hunterwashere6242 Welcome to the real world. Not everyone has a happy ending.
@@v.pintilie6691 I'm still young, 23 years old. I know that life is long and in time things change. But at the same time, I don't know how given my incapacity to socialize and inherent lack of self esteem. I spend most of my days sitting alone in my room, working on the computer. I went to a fast food place the other day, and I couldn't say anything to the workers other than what I wanted. It felt like the workers were laughing at me, like they saw me as something different. That's been my general experience in almost every aspect of social interaction. I've accepted that more likely than not, my life my end up being alone. I remedy it with porn, intention to travel to countries where prostitution is legal for pleasure, and one day, a surrogate egg donor when I want children. I hope things change, but I doubt it, hence the plan.
@@hunterwashere6242 life is pain
As a man, the only thing I really want at this point in my life is to not feel like the women around me look at me and see something that they're disgusted by.
What do they find disgusting about your looks?
Looks don't matter that much as long as you have good enough game.
And that is a problem. If you are convinced that is the case, you exert this energy, your body tells "I am insecure, everyone is disgusted by me" and your mind, behaviour, speech and speech all tell people "Go away, leave me alone" And by that you create a self fullfilling prophecy. I very much doubt you are that ugly. ;)
As a woman, I've always wondered what "game" really meant! Lol to me and all my friends the most ANNNOYING guys are guys who act like Chad's! Guys who flaunt their wealth and things they have. It's not what women look for.
@laurencharest3999 Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean other women won’t. Besides it’s nothing to do with game. It’s about looks.
You process thru true clichés very respectfully, I find. Thanks for putting the time in to do this for people, Doc.
My favorite way to describe group coaching (I did a full "season" of sessions) is comparing it to the Deadmines dungeon in World of Warcraft. You join this group of randoms all looking to do the dungeon, learn some new stuff, gain some EXP, and grab some loot along the way (maybe even make a friend). Then once the Dungeon/Group is done, maybe you never see these people again or maybe you do. It's only the first Dungeon and sets you up for the rest of the game.
Asmongold 💪
It's surprising how well I understand this analogy. thanks wow
Damn thought this was just going to be about incels, instead he maps out the understanding to every facet of our decision making. Applicable to everyone & super super useful.
"almost as tho incels were just people with problems the rest of us could relate to?" was the first thing that popped up in my mind reading this comment. Fully understand what you mean tho
@@maciejkleszczynski9808 no one thinks lnceIs arent people with problems like everyone else, the difference is that they are horrible at taking any accountability for their part in the problem and they're also horrible at looking at situations objectively and with empathy. They're very self centered and thus just end up making their problems and mental health worse
@@botanicalitus4194 yikes. the projection is real.
@@maciejkleszczynski9808 fair point, it does sound like I’m somewhat dehumanizing, but rlly didn’t mean it like that lol. Just usually videos with topics about incels aren’t super useful to most people, or myself, but this video basically applies to everyone.
@@botanicalitus4194 no one thinks womyn aren’t people with problems like everyone else, the difference is that they are horrible at taking any accountability for their part in the problem and they’re also horrible at looking at situations objectively and with empathy. They’re very self centered and thus just end up making their problems and mental health worse
I always thought "being able to love yourself is the least you should be able to do if you expect someone else to love you" makes so much sense... hearing someone like Doctor K calling BS on that feels like a great weight being lifted from my shoulders. For me this thought process feels like a spiral: I can't expect someone to love me since i don't love myself -> i will not even allow myself to think about a relationship until i fixed this -> I'll be unable to feel like someone could love me -> I hate myself even more rinse and repeat. I had this mindset so engrained in my brain that the possiblitly of a working relationship seemed impossible to me from the start. Like if i have even an ounce of responsiblity I can't even compete until i fix this. This will probably not change anything, but somehow this actually releases a knot in my brain that has caused me a lot of sadness. Thanks Doctor K
Haven’t watched the video yet but everyday I go outside & walk for hours. I see the bp get reinforced, not debunked. I see “exceptions” that upon closer look, you can see her pointing away from him or the guy talking about topics paypigs do.
You should learn PUA tactics .
@@debanikgoswami4834 I went from hardcore PUA 🟥💊 to ⬛️💊. I probably know more about game than 95% of people in the PUA community. The truth that you’ll never hear them admit is that you have to devote your life to it if you want to succeed (and there’s a reason the mainstream ones aren’t short ethnic [[[ylgU]]] balding ones). 99.9% of people can not become PUAs because society won’t work.
I have a similar situation to this guy, but with much less concrete positive results. I reflected over mental health and stuff during the pandemic, learned a lot about people/social interactions, started learning Japanese, and this spring began working out. All these are internal improvments that I haven't started expressing outwards yet. No job/income yet so it's been a fair bit of waiting in my parent's house. In all of that waiting, I got pretty mopy and depressed, despite all those life improvements. Just like OP, life has never been clearer or so free of extreme emotional/mental anguish. But I was still upset. I recently realized that the thing holding me back was one little precept I'd mentally engrained into myself. "This won't produce a worthwhile relationship." My original problem had been trying to find a serious long-term relationship and agonizing when it failed. So I internalized that idea. The neat thing was that I didn't even notice it until recently. All my knowledge and awareness of healthy relationships actually warped itself around that belief making it seemingly stronger. Even my self-confidence fed into that. It was like I didn't really want a relationship anymore, or that I didn't believe in an amazing flowery romance, because I now had all this knowledge about the "real world". Real relationships take work and they aren't as intense as infatuation. Holding all those notions in my mind, relationships in the real world felt a shitty replacement. Why should I strive for something that's never going to be a great as fiction? "Now that I'm in a place of reduced emotional neediness/poverty, I'll wait for a better scenario to come along" "I'll wait until I get a job, then I can start dating" "Is it even worth dating now? It'll just be a lukewarm experience" I slowly leaned into a passive stance, where I was waiting for the ideal scenario while not implementing real-world changes. All the while I was getting depressed that I was still single despite having "significant life improvements" in other dimensions of my being. Now that's a psychological blindspot. Of course, it'll probably be a while before I implement real changes, but knowing what specific issue I was hung up on helps alot.
Fuck yeah dude, sounds like even though you didn’t have a job this whole time you’ve been doing work. Changing your beliefs about yourself will help in sooo many ways, but it takes a lot of time. I’m still working on mine but I’ve noticed huge results in every aspect of my life since I started to re-program my negative beliefs 5 or so years ago.
Hell yeah brother. Keep up the good work, and I'm sure you'll find employment soon enough. 👍
If it's any reassurance, there are other people out there who are romantic and idealistic in relationships! Remember that YOU can create romance and wonder once you're in a relationship and have those novel/fairy tale type moments even in between all of the real work that relationships take (communication, trust, being vulnerable, etc...). You seem to have good awareness and take an active role in working on yourself, so it's just a matter of taking that risk trying to find the right person for you. Good luck! 👍
@@DS-xg7hk Yeah of course! Who has the ability to dictate how you go about interacting in YOUR relationship anyways. Although at times it may be hard, as mentioned, and it's not all glamorous at times, you can have some fairy tale spark in it if you so want to. Some sunset sitting, and roses, the whole shebang, because ultimately its how you decide to show your appreciation or affection or whatever, and communicate it.
I got a job!
I'd love to see a video that's Dr K's take on the way society perceives love and relationships as something that's actually more "transactional" in reality than it is emotional. Just thinking of the whole external solutions to something that you'd think is supposed to be internal has always been bizarre and kinda messed up to me, along with how dating seems to be focused more about "promoting your lifestyle" moreso than who you are internally as a person (even though those things can be linked at times)
100% agree. Dating, even when people claim to like people for "deeper" reasons such as "personality," is still extremely superficial.
Finally, someone says it. It's really fucking sad this is where we are now.
5"8? I'm 5"7. Wow there really is no hope
That's really good advice. To be honest, I never would have thought of things like this, but when I think about it more, it makes sense
Omg. Recently I've been extremely angry and frustraited for a couple of days. I couldn't figure out the reason. But now I understand that one person pissed me off and it started a reaction that made me vulnerable to my self destructive thoughts. I guess I tried to rationalize what happened that day and why that person was acting like this to me. But instead I needed to let the adrenalin go away from my system and look at that situaliton when I was in a good State of mind. It's actually funny that now, when I am calm, I see that the situaliton itself is so insignificant that it should not have affected my life at all but here we are. Also even before that I got some unprocessed emotions that piled up and broke me. So, thank you for this video.
When people say to work on yourself and to love yourself, what they really mean is to work on your looks. Your looks are by far the main reason you get rejected. There are plenty of good-looking guys who are insecure with terrible personalities who have no problem finding partners and being successful at life.
Looks are the only reason that you get rejected. Everything else is pure D BS. The "advice" that people give you is just hurtful, insulting, and downright useless. People with a normal life course don't, and can't, understand that for some men, a love life is literally physically impossible, simply because of their looks. Or lack, thereof.
Yes but working on your looks, wardrobe etc will be seen as overcompensating and spun towards the negative by women. Oh hes not wanting to improve these things because he truly wants to. Hes just doing that so he can try to get laid
@@johnnythekid4601 Cope. Women don't care if you're overcompensating. They can't read your mind. They just care about if you're good looking, or not.
@@Krelian4400 it is important for the 1st stage and approach stage. Looks later on become less important.
@@nexor7809 True to some degree, but you won't get a chance for those other aspects to become important without passing the looks threshold.
A lot of us nowadays were born without any family or social structures around us. I am nowhere near as accomplished as your example but like him I have done a lot of self work over the years and I have had to learn the basics of life far later than was helpful. This is a tough one for society to face as it involves a huge mass of us admitting that their actions condemned the future to needless struggles for often quite self involved reasons, note I say self involved not selfish. I find this is a common issue in how humans think about things. A good example I ran across in my neuroscience studies is that we had a profound tendency for a very long time to attribute the function of the brain to neurons as they are the active units we can more easily perceive, yet increasingly research has found in the last few decades that glial cells are just as important if not more important to proper brain function than the neurons. You cannot take away the framework and structure in which excellence exists and still expect excellence. The framework, the environment, is what produces excellence from the right components. Without that framework those components will struggle to perform.
Very interesting post. Have you read: "The Divided Brain" by Dr Iain McGilchrist? His lectures (some are on YT) based on the book are also enlightening.
This is why I'm very critical of the modern methods. It is churning out damaged people left, right, and center....and no one seems to care. The left seems absolutely determined to keep whittling away at this framework because it's toxic in their eyes but they don't replace it with anything useful. If you're going to tear down a system, you best be replacing it with a better one because otherwise a worse one will take its place, which is what I believe has happened.
To anyone who thinks height matters, I'm 6'3" and usually the tallest person in the room. while very often people remark about my height, I've still had terrible luck with women. Being tall isn't that great, I mostly just hit my head on lamps more often.
Being tall is usualy just the bare minimum for being ackowledged
i have a friend who could sue me at this point for everything hes hit his head on in my house
I'm 6'1, not that tall but still taller than the majority, and generally not a bad looking guy, been complimented many times on my looks. And yet I'm completely invisible to women because of my lacking social skills. Too many guys think being tall is such a huge advantage but in reality it's just a little piece of the whole puzzle.
@yogurtas180 tbh where I'm from 6'1 is basic
Thank you Dr K. I really needed this. I think once you acknowledge your resentment, and accept it may not be yourself who's at blame for rejection, you need to lower your expectations about life, the world, and yourself. I'm not 100% on this because I'm still working on it, but once you let go of your own unachievable expectations, and you stop looking for someone who will fill that role for yourself (expectant of you), you will find yourself a much more simple man/woman who just looks for simple interactions. The reason it's difficult to form relationships under this "high expectation" state is because people are very put off by any expectations of THEM. They'll just flee because they don't care to satisfy your needs (especially if they just met you). Rejection is tough but at the end of the day, everyone gets rejected a shit ton and you shouldn't really expect higher of yourself. Just accept you're like any other bloke, maybe a bit dumb, and it doesn't really matter if you're a high achiever as long as you don't come to terms with your normalcy. At the end of the day it's mostly luck.
No one rejects attractive men.
I tried dating for 25 years. I was tired of always being rejected so I worked on myself, lost 120 lbs in 6 months, got a good job with good money, went to therapy, gym, took all the dating advice, and can safely tell, with a very large sample size, that it made absolutely no difference, with the exception women stopped calling me fat. But they still wouldn't date me. I approached hundreds of women, online and offline, got the same results. Not enough women are interested in a guy like me. I'm sure there might be one or two but how many more quarter centuries of dating do I need to do to find them? Another 25 years? maybe 100 years? My joints hurt from working out for an hour everyday. I recently tore a muscle. My vision is getting blurry and I'm getting old. I hardly have any sex drive left. I've given up.
get plastic surgery.
It never began
The anime profile pic probably isn't helping. If none of this works. You simply lack the personality and charisma. Or you're bald. Sorry. Requited Love isn't a birth right. Natural selection exists for a reason.
I'm curious, what do you mean by "a guy like me?" What specifically do you think is the reason none of the improvements are working for you?
@@YuniX2 i dont know. i think there must be a significant genetic component that I had not considered before.
Not letting just 1 person define your value is the lesson ✌️
yeah, i cant tell myself that i love myself, i need someone else to as well, thanks internet stranger
The guy is successful yet still miserable. The lesson is being a guy sucks and literally no one cares .
Not letting anyone define your value*****
Disclaimers are basically: if our advice pushed you over the edge, it’s not our problem
naw
That is the risk inherint in all therapy with depressed and/or suicidal people. On the journey of everyone who is this far down there is a risky period where they do not feel good enough to not want to die anymore but good enough to have the energy to finally go through with it.
An interesting lecture to listen to even as not an incel. There's a lot of great relationship and mental processing advice as a whole in this, and I never thought about incels giving the power of their worth over to the peoplewho dumped them instead of maintaining it for themselves. What I took the most away from this was realizing from a feeling perspective how much the positive people in my life have shaped me to be a more positive person. I can't help but wonder sometimes if I'm being an imposter, I might be doing more "good" things for others but its only mimicking them. Finding people I love who are like that is enough because they love me back, and I should accept that wholeheartedly as a sign of my own goodness too.
Never had much hate have ya I can tell .
@@areuarealman7269 No but that doesn't diminish or improve one's own value. My own mother abandoned me, that's enough hate. I'm queer, my existence is politicized and hated without ever taking an initiative to know me. All people experience different levels of hate, but the deeply personal, close hate is hard and I empathize with the pain that could inflict on someone. The best therapy advice I've ever heard is "your trauma/mental health isn't your fault but it is your responsibility". It isn't your fault you're hurting, but it is on you to find a means to redefine, heal, and move on from that pain. I hope you and everyone who feels involuntarily seclusion find what brings them consentual joy and love together with someone and not leeching onto them because they necessarily are deserving.
There’s other fish in the sea that will also reject you
this statment sucks ass, my guy there is by far waaaay more men then there is women in this world, if you havent found your catch thne you'll most likely never find one ever again. the sea is a sausage fest
LOL I like this one
Of course the world isn't fair, there are over 7 billion of us, imagine everyone having the same reach and natural opportunities. I think understanding and accepting this is key to feeling the frustration that some feel. You have to improve what you can, but understand that some things will always be the same.
61 yr old woman. Great advice and I've taken some of it onboard for a recent breakup that I still have a lot of distress and resentment over.
I wish I heard this 3 years ago… I was a big kid in high school and I really got fit in my senior year and lost a lot of weight. I starting talking to a girl, felt really confident in everything and then got shut down by her. Instead of thinking of myself and not understanding why she denied me, I immediately became hateful and I guess what you could call mildly incel like what this poster said. After graduating high school I had many opportunities to date but I just shelled up and let myself go. Drugs, alcohol and food… I got back to square one. I’m on my path back to sobriety and learning to have a healthy mental health.
I can whole-heartedly empathize with the poster. Feeling I've fixed my life, improved, finally had some control - only to be rejected and completely emotionally cold-shouldered by a crush (I never got to know if it was something I did or not), let down by a friend, ghosted by other women I dated with. It shattered me completely, not only removing me from dating, but bringing down other things in my life. I've lost pride in work and joy in other activities, and I've never recovered (it's been over 4 years now). ...the author is certainly wrong on one thing though - I'm tall, but I've never had a girlfriend in 24 years since I started dating.
how many times have you tried to meet a girl and move the interaction forward to dates then to relationships in your 24 years of dating? If the number is less than 20 then you are barely trying at all and I recommend adding outlets in your life to meet new people. I'm sorry if that is tough to hear, and the reality is that finding someone who matches your interest and goals is a random chance thing unless you specifically go to places that attract those types of people. Rejection is sincerely tough. when i started dating I approached over 100 girls and got 1 date that didnt lead to a second one. i'm doing better now but man did it hit the ego hard. keep the chin up you got this. Also awesome you are tall, but like you realize there are dozens of attractive traits that can be improved. to give some examples to show im not full of hot air. conversational skill, kindness, collaborative, money, education, hobbies and passion, being funny, emotional maturity, self-awareness, healthy conflict resolution, ability to make people feel secure or safe, ability to lead, true confidence born from weathering failures and getting back up. No need to do all these at once and the pressure is tough which is why so many people are single right now. You got this. Hope this was more on the inspirational side
@@DIABStudios Desire to help is a good thing, but I don't think guessing the problem and throwing out random - and uncalled for - advice is really helping anyone. Yes, more than 20. My success rate was similar to yours, at least on dating sites - 110 for 1 date - but it never improved. And I kept going until I broke each time (which, in hindsight, is not a good thing. It would be best for us to know our breaking points so we can stop before crossing them). The last permanently broke the rest of my life, so unsuccessful dating is the lesser of my problems right now.
hey man dont push yourself so much, 24 it's still young and people in their 20's are usually more emotionally vulnerable for several reasons. Try to get in touch with a psychiatrist if you are feeling so down.
For you, Its over!
@@Onomatopeizator I do have to guess the problem cause I know nothing about you which is why I project my own experience and common walls/pitfalls that guys get into over. I know this is a sore spot in your life, but I feel it is a very fixable point and you thought so too at one point. I see problems and fix it. I don't let it lie and let people stay miserable. So while it is uncalled for I challenge people to break their limits to be better. Otherwise I could let you wallow in your own misery never to see the beauty of a healthy relationship which I don't want for you. So Im glad that you engaged with me. It seems to me that you have approached hundreds of girls which is amazing. Only strong willed men can do this when facing rejection like you. Before I assume more. Let me ask a couple of questions. In recent years, what are some problems you faced when approaching girls and getting to the date phase? and if you can recall a specific instance I would like details on that to gauge your process. Second how are your friendships? Do you have people in your life you can truly say care for you and go out of their way to hangout with you?
Hey I really loved your video. My best friend actually has some similar problems with girls and I myself used to have a similar perspective about getting dumped. But seeing that your brain is not always telling you the truth when it comes to coming to conclusions. I'm on my way to be a psychologist myself and you are a huge inspiration for me. I really hope I'll be at least a part as good with talking and explaining as you are. Your videos are amazing!
As a russian I was genuinely surprised to hear in this video the old russian saying: "Morning is wiser than evening". I know it's unimportant, I just wanted to point out just how unexpected and pleasant it was. In russian it sounds as: "Утро вечера мудренее", in case if anybody wants to find out more information about it. And also it's just a great video on the whole and I'm glad that KZhead have recommended it to me.
Thank you for the uploads dr. k! Your videos are really insightful and have helped me a ton!
This is wrong though, black pill is the truth.
So you're basically saying "just keep working your ass off on self improvement, even if you are getting ZERO results. It ain't easy." Yeah, no kidding.
just work hard bro
Sounds like sigma grindset if you out it like that.
If you’re truly getting zero results then maybe take a look at your methods. Or maybe your definition of “results” is off. If you’re working out just to get in a relationship, for example, you’ll ignore the results of getting stronger and healthier
@@Meraxes6 true, I feel like results might be the bad way of looking at it. For me at least, I’m starting my fitness journey not so I can get actual results of a certain value but just because I want to feel good physically, as in not sickly. I also feel like a garbage human if I don’t work out/exercise at all. Idk maybe it’s just me.
@@sepiajoy2871 Maybe this is why I don't work out. People give it as advice all the time but for me I'm already confident with my body and play sports so I don't really see the point of it
I'm in a situation. I'm working for a big tech company own a home in Seattle, and I'm 34, only had a pseudo relationship in college and nothing else since. The one bit of advice I hate is "love yourself". Like I do love myself. Why would I not? I do as much as I can to be kind to myself and keep myself happy, provide for my needs and advocate for myself. I'm happy in my own skin and to my friends I'm a loving person the same. The issue for me: I've never had anyone want to go on a second date with me (online dating). It's just never been something innate within me to be sexual or flirt I just am only able to be a gentleman and nice and respectful but I can't instigate flirting. I have only had sex a couple times in my life . I just am not super masculine and am not the most physically attractive. I've had trouble making friends as well. I hear a lot of people get relationships through their friend networks. Most of my friends are nerdy introverts so that never happens unfortunately. I try to go out to random events on the weekends and just approach people. But it's still failing to amount to anything after 5 months. I either get rejected, or I get a fake number. I've met new "friends" at these events but they never follow up and ignore me when I contact them. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I just know that for whatever reason I cannot seem to attract any women. I kinda wish I was gay as I've been propositioned a few times by gay guys randomly (which is kind of funny in its own way). Anyways, I'm putting myself out there. Getting invested in hobbies, and trying to live my life in as much as I can control. But it's depressing when everything I do doesn't get any results. It doesn't appear to be getting any better.
I'm sorry bro, it's probably over for us.
Seattle is a rough area for making connections of any kind. If you're feeling really isolated, id recommend checking out California. The culture is far more open and relaxed.
Have you ever considered that maybe the “putting yourself out there” that you’re doing is putting yourself out there in the wrong groups of people? I’m an autistic woman, so my lived experience is likely very different from your own. I’m sorry about that. All I know, is that I never would have been in situations like parties or going out, because I don’t like doing that. You’re much more likely to find someone who likes you for you, when you’re doing things you actually enjoy and not “things you SHOULD do”. The guys I dated before I got married I ran into in situations like, a dungeons and dragons group, or an online video game I played. I would naturally assume that most of the women in these conventional situations are going to be a lot more superficial and have less in common with you. Just my 2 cents.
@@lexinicole4317 thanks for the comment. I don't know, I tend to have interests and hobbies that don't involve other people. It's not in my nature to be social generally, except with a few select people that I know from childhood / growing up / college. But those people live far away. My hobbies aren't naturally social. I know they "can be made social" but I don't honestly know how to do that. Even online gaming: I never did it. I grew up in the days of couch co-op and lan parties. Online gaming never appealed to me because I didn't see the point (voice chat wasn't a given most of the time), and usually when I did try those things (VR chat was the only one I really tried for a voice chat thing): either it's some kid, or it's people really far away geographically. Very rare to meet someone that is in your same town in VR chat. Anyways, yes my hobbies are nerdy introvert hobbies, and there's not very many women involved in them to begin with. I enjoy painting figurines and miniatures...(not miniatures based games though, just the painting aspect of it), photography, and maker stuff / DIY. None of those exactly are crawling with women. So I tried to branch out and explore things that are more social. Beer festivals, bars, etc cetera. I tried to join a gym class. At best I might have a few decent casual conversations, but nobody wants to connect outside of that environment. Even people I got along well with. At my gym class, they had a social event and I chatted and got along well with this girl Jessica (not her real name): Jessica and I had some pretty good rapport by the end of two hours. We were getting to know each other decently. So I asked if she wanted to get coffee afterwards. She politely declined and said we'll see each other in the gym class (which we wouldn't because she goes to the 5:30 am session, I go to the 6:00 pm session). I had another girl I met at the park: went there to clear my head, take a few photos, and take a walk. She was on a park bench, and we had gotten to chatting casually, we had a good 15 minute conversation...we had some level of rapport at that time. I asked for her number and she gave it to me. She then rejected me afterwards via text (I've had this happen with multiple women: why give me your number if you're just going to reject me?). Anyways, long and short of it all: I really tried to find a few people and branch out and it was all for naught. So now, I'm back in my non-social shell and just living out my days, alone.
@@dirkhealy3352 absolutely not LMAO, California is one of the worst places to try and find a relationship
I needed this honestly I'm still in a journey to better myself and become a better man, but coming to terms with the fact that even if you do everything right won't turn out right or flat out becomes the opposite is a though pill to swallow 🙏🏾
when i was 12 i didn't love myself but i loved ( and lived for ) others ( really bad). when i was 16 i started to value myself but others didn't matter to me anymore ( probably a defense measure). At 22 i loved myself too much and loving others was a struggle that i didn't want to do ( "why i have to invest my precious time if i know it's bound to not produce any result?, better spend my time on my interests"). Now at 26, still loving myself but loving others, after a few years of "training and self thought", is starting to become a possibility again
im deeply scrared of rejection, i know ive some good potential, but like i date like a teenage wtf, asking someone and the supposed shamed of potential decline terrify me cause i've lost so many freinds along the way that i'd rather stay freind rather than potentialy lossing one, even if im aware that the person in front of is interested. I've birds that let me share some love but ffs it feels lonely it's been yyyears since i've not felt connected with another human being
Don't be scared, be yourself and relaxed. If you lost people because you were being yourself, then those people are just not suited for you, simple as. Try meeting new people, if it doesn't work out, try again with different people.
"Hard work and improvement can never beat natural selection." Unfortunately, Its true
*Sexual selection
@@ThatisnotHair Sexual selection is a part of natural selection.
you sound like a hardstuck gold playher
I just feel like there’s a disconnect somewhere. Not realizing attraction is key. The same way this guy is attracted to a certain girl, the girl is attracted to certain guys. It’s not her fault she isn’t attracted to you, and just bc you’re crushing it financially and lost weight, doesn’t mean you’re entitled to someone’s feelings.
Incels should learn PUA tactics. Many PUAs were former incels.
@debanikgoswami4834 or they can learn to be functional human beings. Nothing wrong with being a wingman or love guru but these guys need to learn a romantic relationship wont fix them. Women aren't tools waiting to fix them. Once the romance obsession is grounded and they can learn to actually love THEMSELVES and be a whole person. You can be a happy and whole person without romantic love AND respect women as autonomous human beings.
@@sillycookie disagree. The claim that one must be happy with oneself in order to find love is absurd. Imagine taking married couples for 40 years and then separating them from their spouses. They’d be miserable and depressed. When we tell people, especially men, that they have to love themselves first in order to have a partner, we’re being disingenuous and ignoring the core issue. And the core issue is often expecting others to find you attractive because you went thru life with a check list. Men need to lear how to build attraction. A woman will fall for a man if she’s attracted to him, and that man can be depressed or happy externally and it’d have no influence on whether she will want him. The only time it negatively impacts her decision is if the man wasn’t attractive to her to begin with.
@debanikgoswami4834 DON'T!!! Seriously, the vast majority of sane women is disgusted by the behavior and thought processes of PUAs. And imagine the roles were reversed, would you as a man watch a video of women approaching men with the PUA mindset and feel remotely attracted to the them?
The "you need to love before you can love another person" platitude is complete nonsense because how people feel about others has almost nothing to do with how they feel about themselves. People with little to no self-esteem or self-love have no issues loving or liking other people or things far more than themselves, and having self-love doesn't magically turn you into a better person nor does it make you any more compassionate to others than without it. No one who have ever lived actually feels the same way about all other people as they do about themselves. People can hate one person, love another person and be indifferent to most others.
I’ve always understood that idiom in a less literal sense. It’s not that you physically need to love yourself before you can feel love for someone else. It’s that if you hate yourself, it’s much harder to be a stable, supportive, healthy individual that other people will want to share and reciprocate that love with. I see it almost as a currency. Two poor people (two emotionally unstable, self hating individuals) are more likely to flock together, because they are both in a deficit. A wealthy person is less likely to engage with a poor person, because they are constantly providing something the other can not. Relationships are by nature an exchange or reciprocal thing. If you’re constantly in a deficit of self hatred, you’re asking a lot more of any other person when wanting them to be in a relationship with you. They can give to you, but they’ll never really be able to receive the same emotional security back.
Eh, not if their a guy and your hot enough, then they’d still ask you out. Guys don’t work like that girls do, we’ll date anyone as long as they make us feel loved, it’s mostly feminist who push for this self love crap.
Just had a situation of emotional instability last night and experienced being level headed in the morning. Being aware of these emotional influences over my decisions is exactly what I needed to hear today
Exact same. Don't worry, dude/dudette. We got this.
In my view, if you do every thing right and still fail in the dating arena, I say fuck it. Reach for the stars. If I’m going to be alone, then I’m going to try to travel the universe. If I’m going to be exiled on a pedestal, then I’m going to make sure that pedestal is so far up in the sky that those who cast me out won’t be able to reach it. Stay strong guys and always evolve to the next level.
He should have an abundance mindset . He should interact with a lot of women . Women respect men who are desired by other women .
the problem with psychiatry is that it can only address internal issues, and not those of a sick environment. with only that tool available, the conversation always tends to shift towards blaming the "patient"
yeah in such cases its all about mishaping the reality in a positive way so you dont end your life, but it doesn't mean you weren't right from the start
I wouldn’t see it as blaming the patient, but rerouting the patients focus to what they can control themselves. When the patient focuses on what they cannot control they can become hopeless and defeated. Psychiatry will acknowledge the external environment but for the purpose of helping the individual to orient themselves appropriately to those realities, which restores agency to the individual . It is not blame, it is addressing the accountability of the individual, as in most cases we are not “perfect victims” but do have a level of responsibility to play in even the scenarios that most frustrate or depress us.
@@Truthispower200 psychiatry seems to have almost a fear for the external environment. if psychiatry can't help, then they are the wrong people to handle the problem. which is not an excuse for them to turn a molehill into a mountain, by requiring a "perfect victim". my impression that this acknowledgement of not being able to address the main problem is not emphasized enough, before moving onto lesser issues that they are actually capable of addressing. environmental issues are minimized and too quickly glossed over and in doing so, it becomes patient blaming. a tunnel vision
@@xybersurfer I would agree with you 100% here. At its base level, if an environment is inhospitable to an organism, the organism must leave this environment or it will perish. Therefore the only "help" psychiatry and psychology can give the patient in this context would be to empower them to leave by identifying the factors that impede their ability to do so and overcoming them. I've seemed to identify an alternative therapy that might work: Addressing the metaphysical - to change the way the mind perceives everything and rebuild it from the ground up. Although I'm not quite sure how a person is expected to survive with this new mindset without destroying others for self gain, since that would be the most effective adaptation. This could also explain why these traits are so successful in our current environment in the first place.
@@confaffalator You just described psychiatry. If the person wanted to leave, they would be guided to that decision as an option. Destroying others for self-gain is not an option. Humans are incredibly social and have been evolutionally selected to value affiliation.
I'm not done watching but I'm going to just say what I feel right now. I'm a shy guy too. I built up enough courage in the past to pursue different girls that I was interested in. None of it led to dates or relationships or intimacy. I spent time trying to work on myself in all facets but I'm basically failing at that. At what point can I just throw in the towel on all of this. I'm at a point in my life where finding a loving stable relationship is the only thing that's going to make me happy. I've tried the whole single life well my whole life[obviously not entirely out of choice]. I'm tired of it. It's only fun for so long when you're not attractive or social enough to get the most out being single in the first place. I've lost interest in everything, even things I once enjoyed because I don't have the things I truly want in my life. No hobby can occupy me. I change jobs often because nothing fulfills me in my roles and I tend to have issue with my bosses. I'm falling apart. like literally the longer I've been single the less together I can keep myself because my wants and needs aren't met. The expectation to have already have a fulfilling and exciting and happy life before finding someone just seems so ass backwards to me. And as life goes on I become less suitable to be a partner despite efforts to be more of a catch. I'm just stuck in a vicious cycle that unfortunately won't be broken.
In the end, we all want to love and to be loved.
Society tends to oversell the importance of romantic relationships. While you may need a relationship to feel connected to other people, this relationship does not have to be romantic.
Have you considered investing more in your platonic relationships, and less in the search for romantic ones?
@@YuniX2 yes I have. Platonic friendships are harder to find with age. Basically I end up befriending some people I work with and then when I switch jobs I barely or ever can keep contact with them. Not for a lack of trying. It's a two way street after all.
@@Eternal_Tech no they don't. A life partner and raising a family is the single most important and fulfilling thing you can do as a human. That is the most basic and primal need as a human. That's how humanity carries on after all. The nice career and social life stuff is all secondary.
People don't understand that even with all the looks & money, a guy can still fail in terms of attraction, dating, love, & relationships. I'm an introvert and have always been socially-awkward, even though a lot of people say that I'm attractive and quite well-off financially. And then there is also the "luck" factor, in a LOT of ways (eg: circumstances, backgrounds, conditions, etc etc etc). It's not as simple as most people think it is. It's really sad & frustrating how most people don't even understand such basic things. People only point fingers & blame all these 'incels', saying that they're all negative and not being "positive" enough. How naive, ignorant, & simple-minded. People don't understand how all these 'incels' used to be a "normal" person/people, before eventually life & this world disappoint, break, crushed, & destroyed them, and turned them to become an incel (or similar way of thinking/perspective). Also, women have more privilege compared to men, including in terms of dating & social life. This might be an unpopular opinion, but I feel that it's really important for me to share this. - from Indonesia -
Preach!! I know this is barely any words in comparison to your comment, but you're sharing the truth everybody needs to hear. and isn't being said nearly enough. Everyone seems too busy blaming 'incels' for who they are instead of actually looking at all of what goes into the problem.
People like blaming other people, it's as easy as pie, but the fact of an enormous amount of incels is totally a problem of modern society. Ikr, sounds scripted, just wanna say blaming people is rarely the way.
My guy, i feel ya 100%, Exactly the same (from Brazil, btw)
Men fear a woman that will laugh at them, a woman fears a man will murder them
Become an extroverts
wow. Those lines you said between 13:10-13:15. Very powerful advice for sure. Especially if you were a child that got bullied emotionally by children of your age, especially when it reached the point that you hated your own culture and people. Because being an outsider is what those emotions may teach you the wrong way.
I had a breakthrough with this episode! Growing up I try to talk to my mom about girls and getting a girlfriend and my mom would say “Boy you can’t even keep your room clean what makes you think you can get a girlfriend worry about cleaning your room. IKR my mom on that JP shit before JP😂 anyways flash forward and here I am 41, I ended a marriage that was not right for me in an applicable way (should’ve never gotten married imho but that’s a different story) I’ve been having this issue trying to date again because I’m thinking there’s something wrong with me and I’m broken was starting to become “incel adjacent” I’m glad I found your channel Dr K!! I’ve been on this personal development journey for awhile now and I appreciate how you put into terms that I can relate too. I’m a subscriber for life!!! What is the name of the Reddit community I wanna join✊🏿
I respect OP so much. Dealt a bad hand in life, but he tries. My hand has not been dealt as hard, but I relate a lot with what he said. It feels hard going in any direction, if you don't know what you're doing and if it will make a difference. Regardless, I will try!
I’m so amazed by this cover, it just makes me so happy! Please, I beg, full version soon!!!
The entire "Tiger" bit really hit the spot. I absolutely love and appreciate your analogies SO MUCH.
The problem with never being in a relationship is that it’s all you want. I was in the same situation until I had two extremely toxic relationships literally back to back. With me being the one to walk away from them. But those turned out to be the best relationships in terms of making me realize how much I love myself and how valuable I am to another person. And I now REFUSE to be in another relationship until I am absolutely sure that my partner will be healthy for me and our relationship (as I know I will be for them). But for the time being - I am so happy being single and being able to only have to focus all of my energy on myself. I know it’s hard for other people to see it that way, but believe me it’s way better. I don’t consider myself and Incel because there’s someone for everyone.
Yes, if one is starving for anything, it's hard to concentrate on anything else.
Yes, if one is starving for anything, it's hard to concentrate on anything else.