Four Powerful Strategies to Overcome Passive Suicidal Ideation
Have you ever felt indifferent or ambivalent towards your own life? If so, you're not alone.
Millions experience Passive Suicidal Ideation, but it exists on a spectrum, ranging from apathy about your future to even secretly hoping for an end to your own life.
I'm sharing my personal experiences and tools I've used (and still use) to work through Passive S.I.
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Here's what you'll find in this video:
02:08 Do you have the right to die?
Explore the question of a person's right to die and the complex reasons behind the desire to opt out of life.
06:22 Mood Congruent Memory:
Your brain can deceive you into thinking this dark phase is all you've ever known. I'll show you how to challenge this perception.
12:23 Harness the Power of Spite:
A unique motivation tool - don't let those who doubted, hurt, or underestimated you win.
15:53 You Are Dynamic:
Your life will not always be the same. Understand that you have the power to reshape your world, surround yourself with those who truly understand you, and build an internal environment that works for you.
23:19 The Mystery Box:
Consider the unknowns of what comes after death. Are you willing to trade the life you have, no matter how challenging, for an uncertain future?
24:44 Is Passive S.I. Weak?
Is it weak to fight bear with a plastic knife? (you'll get it once you watch it).
Work colleagues were discussing a person who died by suicide recently. None of them could understand it, after the conversation i knew i got it because i knew how he hid it. Its a mindset i live with. If it were me, no one would see it coming either. My mask is strong.
I understand too. More joy and relief to you in prayers 🙏
I identify 💯
Me tooo... except it does seem to be weakening w age & accumulated exhaustion
@haliec I do this.
How're you doing OK? I hope you're still with us.
My mother constantly criticized me. She told me that I couldn't survive without her and my dad. She passed away 17 years ago and my dad passed away 13 years ago. I'm sticking around just to piss her off.😂
This is the kind of energy I live for 😂and I am glad you are here
I am *very* happy you are in the world. Every day you are alive in the world, your Mom is *1000% wrong* It doesn't matter how your life is, every _moment_ you are breathing, your Mom is and will always be wrong.
i love it lol
Hahaha 🫶
I'm just so damn tired. Of fighting, of caring , of hurting. Just everything. I'm still fighting the beast but I'm just dragging more and more.
One way out of it is to “do for others”, those you deem less fortunate than you, if you see people in actual bad circumstances and help them progress, for example by volunteering at a shelter etc, it help dramatically to feel positive. The scary part is the weekly or monthly commitment they need.
I get it, another day....
I am too. All of that.
Friend, I hear you, I see you, I understand so deeply. Let us find a way to get through another day. Let us be good to one another ❤️
🥀 Peace be with you ♡🕊
Thank you for *validating* that life feels SO *unfair* because I never asked to be here and to suffer. 🥺
Wow, your comment is exactly what I’ve been thinking my whole adult life. Thank you for your comment.
@@CrystallyLavender ❤️❤️❤️ At least we’re not alone! Our time on this earth is actually so, so short… and though none of us can escape suffering; most of us are also granted moments of joy, laughter and peace. ❤️🩹🍃 I suffer daily from extreme chronic physical and emotional pain, depression and anxiety… but oh, those moments of freedom and tranquility!! And laughter. 😊🙌 Few and far between sometimes, but the extreme alternative is suicide; and I’ve stepped to the very edge, and then decided to turn around, because I know death will absolutely come eventually. It’s been liberating. 🌻 Let’s encourage each other to find that peace, in some small way, every day. It’s all we can do. Just ride the waves in awe of this crazy life, and remember that one day we will all turn back into stardust. 🌈✨🩷 Just don’t want my comment to be a total downer or mantra when life gets tough. I stand by it, absolutely, but here we are… so let’s just make the most of it! 😉🤘💫
use the force and look at it again. I will ask Donna Douglas to stop by and cheer you up...
Spiritual journey life is…..we DID agree to come here…..it’s a lesson in suffering…..life is full of ups and downs, good and bad, you will succeed by trying, it’s our birthright.
@@studio107bgallery4 I used to believe that. That somehow, in whatever spiritual sense, “I” indeed *chose* to be here. And that I had eagerly wanted to experience the highs, lows, suffering… for some greater purpose. I thought I was once a ‘spiritual seedling’ that signed up for this. I believed in God, then through exploring why I was supposed to worship an “old white man in the sky,” I downgraded to believing in “The Universe,” whatever that meant. And while I certainly don’t claim to know what true “reality” is, I know this: if there is a god, in any sense of our collective understanding, then for some reason, that god is utterly cruel. And I want no part of it. Reflecting on the *millions* of Holocaust victims (as sadly only *one* example of earthly heinousness) who endured the worst, most unimaginable torture… Please tell me and the traumatized survivors how this was all for the best? A lesson? Really? It just doesn’t add up for me.
I have never, in my life, truely been able to believe the statement "Things can/will get better"
Well, they can by probability. Which doesn't mean they will. And partially they won't because of the self-destructing stance we take, cutting ourselves from the sources of possible change. Somewhere on the way we start bringing on ourselves the self-fulfilling prophecy of failure and enter the vicious circle we often can't leave.
Things do not get better. They only change. If one is very lucky, more of the changes will be advantageous as opposed to destructive. Unfortunately, only a tiny percentage of individuals are permitted to be that lucky. So ultimately, most people will die penniless, isolated, broken, and alone. 😁 Acceptance is key.
@@Novastar.SaberCombat I blame capitalism, mostly.
@@pokebronybornMy thought too
they just are. they also cant get worse. those are very subjective terms for simply existing and sensing stuff around you. good bad evil better worse. just be.
It is just dark inside my head and heart I want to feel love and light
😢
@@Flipnotic64 sorry to hear this man, it’s a tough existence just floating through
@@Flipnotic64 I understand it’s impossible for me to stay out of my head. Feels like it’s burning and stuffed with cotton wool. Like my life isn’t real. I’ve got Tinnitus also. And I can relate to the intrusive thoughts they are horrific at times. I find public interactions near impossible, can only do the basics. People can see the disconnect. I believe I am in trouble with the creator
@@Flipnotic64 Similar here...53 and its like your own brain or mind is against you.
One day at a time. Gotta keep the hope alive. Get outside with nature, it's the one thing that's kept me alive this long.
‘There’s a difference between ‘I don’t want to live anymore’ and ‘I don’t want to live like this anymore’ ‘ And I think that’s a nice quote. Because maybe you would love to be somewhere else, but you don’t know or think it’s possible, so you give up.
I like this comment ❤
Exactly! I love life but I hate life with chronic pain. I don't want to die but because of my situation with mental illness and chronic pain I do want to die. People just want to be out of pain whether mental, physical, or emotional. I deal with all 3 daily
Thank you for saying “life will not just improve simply because you stay alive.” “Things will get better” rings so terribly hollow. I have to do things. And I have no motivation to do so. I can smile on most days and mean it in the moment. But… my executive function is out of control. I’ve lost my job and my house in the last year, cannot seem to get another job. The doctorate I’m doing has stopped having meaning and my work has stalled. The harder things get the less I feel like I’ll ever “catch up” and get my life back on track. At this point I just wish the hurt and disappointment and worthlessness would go quiet. Waking up most days is getting harder to do. And I’m really only keeping on bc I know the alternative will hurt and inconvenience others. But I don’t give a shit about any of this anymore.
Me either
I feel you. I am on the brink of loosing my job and PhD in a foreign country. Thinking of the time and health I lost just puts me in a freeze state. Tried to get help a while ago to no avail. I just keep procrastinating the final solution due to habit and expectations of loved ones. But I feel that the bear is catching up and I will have to make a decision soon.
I feel you
One day at a time & Live in the present moment It’s the only way that works for me.. still hard but it does help me get through each day..
As someone born to raging damaged narcissists, what is now identified as child abuse began at infancy. My earliest recollection of wanting to die, to not exist, was at few years old, certainly before school age. I'm 73 now.. Your video is helpful. Please continue your work.
I will I promise ❤️
Dewey decimal system or congressional system.
So sorry for your pain. 💔
@jeankipper6954 Just realized my parents were also narrcicists.Does the suffering ever go away? Were your life choices affected?
For me, the pain has changed over the decades, ignored as much as I could in order to make a living. It has never gone away, seems more acute with retirement. It has changed everything. I cannot imagine how life might have been. Learning more about CPTSD and multiple generation CPTSD explains a lot, and that helps. Usually.
Since my mother killed herself in 2021, my life has become chaos. She was my best friend. I don't recognize myself anymore. It's like a part of me died with her. Since then I have been fighting to stay alive. I go to therapy once a week, but sometimes it's very difficult. I feel sinking. Thanks for the video. Helped me a lot. Kisses from Brazil.
It doesn't get easier, just the gaps get longer...23 years gone now.
I am so sorry for your loss. Here is a hug from a mother in the US.
@@faithwalker5196 thank you 💕💗
I'm sorry, Nina. I hope that the therapy is helping, and that compassionate contact with others aids your healing. I also have experience with suicide of a parent, and it takes a long time to come to terms with it...but it is possible.
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. It gets better as time passes as I lost my mother in October 2020. Keep going to therapy. It will get better. I can actually talk about my mother now without crying.
Anxiety has been my constant companion for decades
64 y.o. husband had massive stroke in 2020. Almost all support left in a year later and told me very bluntly that I was too needy. Sorry for being exhausted and crying with 24/7 care. Family is also judging me and have no clue that their Dad was abusive towards me. I'm now just DONE. My future is bleak. I'm alone because he's in a long term nursing facility and I hardly see anyone. It looks like I'm off everyone's radar. I could just d*i and nobody would care. Will I do anything to myself? Nope. But I'm so hurt and lonely and just need to hear that I count. Yes, I'm in therapy and on meds. But this video is putting a name to probably what I'm going through.
@amyferrill770 You holding on?...please reply
Amy, I hope you are feeling better. Only the compassion of a few friends (two of them at a great distance, and only available online) helped me to survive being a solitary caregiver. My partner passed away from MS after years of needing care-- but no one else was there to care for me during the most difficult time, so I know what you've been through. Prolonged illness often has this effect. It scares others away. It's a challenge to redirect energy once the care is given over to a facility, but your life is worthwhile. Rebuild. Start friendships anew. You are still able to do it.
You matter
I have suffered with a pretty strong, persistent depressive disorder for over twenty-six years. Passive suicidal ideation has been near constant this whole time. I fall into the lack of enjoyment of life is the weakness camp. I constantly feel that I fail as a human. If somebody wins if I don't exist, let them take their victory lap. They beat me, congratulations. I can't picture my PSI as an animal. It is more like the ocean. Deceptively devoid of strength, but capable of pounding mighty mountains to sand. Terrors lurking beneath the waves. I do thank you for your content. It helps. Even if I can't say how.
Its like a shadow lurking beneath, coming out everytime the sun shines through. Ive been depressive for over 5 years now with a suicidal period in that as well. Im almlst 19 now and ive had patience so far in the hope that life would get better/different when i would get older but my patience is dwindeling. How have you been dealing with such a depression for over 26 years. It seems so difficult to me that someone can deal with it for so long
OH well. You're a POET AND DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.
OP that was so poetic I reread it several times for the pure enjoyment of the words ❤
yeah I feel u. been 20+ years here I am 37 with nothing but my life declining in front of me. I wud hav maybe believed I can recover if 20yrs ago or somewhere in between any1 had managed to show me any of my despair was unjustified but instead I'm proven right time and time again. I just got a load of new dbt worksheets cz I had a crisis episode again lol... so the mask goes back on for a while now. I don't have 3more years of this in me. I'm OK with it now tbh. I'm praying for illness etc at this point. such a pathetic existence
@sbtnltd8396 I'm not sure if any of us can handle 3 more years of this. It feels like it keeps spiraling. If it weren't for my wife and kids needing me, I'm not sure I'd have made it this far. But somehow, here I am. Here we are. I'd say something like "stay strong" or what have you, but I know how it feels to hear that. How about instead, I see you.
Sadly, most of this doesn't apply to chronic illness and chronic pain... but I still think you're doing a really great job with these videos, mostly because you speak from experience, which is what every psychologist LACKS. They read a shit ton in a lot of books, but you cannot understand something like this from books. Only someone who's been through it and come out on the other side will have the proper knowledge to talk about this topic. You are very well spoken as well.
Painfreeyou, on you tube. Dr schubbiner, work of dr. Sarno.😉
I think he's very good.
You are absolutely right. I've been to a multitude of mental health counselors..None of them knew what to do or say to help.I wonder how some of them got their license to practice .
True. It’s the same for battling addiction - you want a former addict to help you through!
I agree that it is rare and usually not done. But The anthroposophic psychiatrists are something different. Their deep knowöledge understanding and written presentation is deeply satisfying and healing in itself. The book-magazine Flensburger Hefte have f ex one book on Anxiety that worked as a calming, comforting medicine and sleep-aid in alone fear without finding examination, treatment or support. The language is beautiful, enlivening, deep, holistic and true, I felt understood and wanted to live. Unfortunately they are only in German, but there is much other translated literature.
The warrior in me that wont give up, at least not today.
Thank you for all your videos. But the reason I'm alive after having passive si for almost 30 yrs is not because I'm strong but because I'm a coward and don't have the courage to attempt to Take my life because I'm afraid I won't succeed and will end up worse off, in a hospital, with no freedom. I have tried so hard to find someone to help me do it but no one will. And I don't have the confidence to try on my own. So that's why I'm stuck in this life and hate myself every day for being here. I'm 68 and I was ready to leave life at 41. So I don't have strength,I'm a coward for still being here in my opinion. I have no support system at all. I'm tired of every day seeing life as becoming worse. Being old is terrible even if I don't have mental health issues in my opinion.
It takes a lot of courage to end your own life, not the cowards way out as some healthy people would suggest. There also the worry of the hurt you leave behind and of course what awaits us on the other side
I feel exactly the way that you do. I thought it was just me.
It helps to find someone who feels the way I do. Thank you so much for the reply.
@@debbieporter6581 I totally agree! I thought I was alone in this only to find this channel. It explains a lot.
Same here. I'm 42, depression since I'm 11, getting worse over time (I'm also autistic so the nervous hypersensitivity makes it very hard to ever recover from all the stress). The horror of "trying it" and surviving somehow incapacitated... can't even put it in words. Plus, in my country I don't have access to firearms so there aren't many really "safe" ways .. 😅 Last Christmas a person jumped from my building (I live in a high rise) to their death. Didn't know them, don't know what their story is. One thought was "good for them, they did something proactive to end a bad situation" BUT that faded quickly and I thought "how egoistic of them, traumatizing a whole bunch of innocent people to clean up your dead ass!" (there were about a dozen people from police and medical services that had to take care of this). So, in a way I'm a little proud not to be that person to affect innocent bystanders (also think of people jumping in front of trains, happens a lot here too) by choosing such a gruesome way to "check out". Instead, I'm waiting patiently for some laws to change so maybe at some point I can actually take the services of active medical help to unalive myself. In a weird way that keeps me going.
Lost my little bro to this 8 years this Christmas. Started passive and I thought it stayed there. Nope. Thanks for doing this. Everyone in law enforcement needs to see this. They have no idea. I'm back in school studying neuroscience. Planning on an MA in clinical counseling now too. At 50.
Best job in the world. Sorry about your brother ❤️
What you wrote brought out the 55 year old cheer leader in me. Go learn. Go and give. 💃
I'm thinking alot about suicide. I'm in college but i'm being discriminated alot by my 18/20 year old colleagues and teachers. I'm 40 years old. I'm really glad you had the courage to take the degree at 50 years old. I only have 4 subjects to end college but i'm so depressed I don't think I can finish it. 😢
..go to a college counsellor and unload if they have one,to help you carry on with your college course.......But if you can't and its really bad ,walk away and don't look back,your mental health is more important than anything....Be kind to you,your worth it..@@laxale
@@laxale Something has to change. Take some time out to think about what might help you to find a better way to achieve your ambitions. Only one class at a time ? Night school or online ? Need a new interest to inspire you ? Need more friends ? Need a holiday ? Need help figuring it all out ? Find a life coach. You are worth the investment to live a better life. 🫂🙋
I’m on both, the low and high end of the spectrum.
That grizzly bear metaphor literally broke me into tears😢it’s so harrrrd to feel like a misfit and just live a life, and no one around me seems to understand
I rarely make comments because I feel people never care about what I have to say. But, Dr. Scott, you are a gift to the world. The grizzly bear plastic knife analogy lite shredded my brain and I’ve been stuck on it all morning. What an incredibly empowering symbol for people who are hurting and always feel so small and weak. Sometimes the most courageous thing you can do is get out of bed to feed your cat. So thank you so much for making me feel that at least in one area of my life I am strong; survival.
I have been feeling this way for over a decade. It's miserable and I don't want to feel this way. Therapy and counseling is not affordable which leaves me stuck. It's devastating to think I will have to live like this for 30-40 more years. However, it is mildly relieving to know I am not alone in feeling this.
Basically, if you ain't rich, you ain't sheet. That's just the way it is. The wealthy can solve their issues by spending their resources intelligently. But the poor? Ummm... yeah, it's like... good luck! 😂 Whatever the case, everyone will die alone, so it doesn't really matter. Just do whatever ya can with whatcha got until ya don't want to do anything anymore. 🙂
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!! OMG! I'm crying so hard right now! I'm 49 years old. I've struggled with passive S.I. since I was 15. I've been hospitalized 8 times. But I should say "only" 8 times, because there were times I made sure to keep it to myself, for fear of being hospitalized again. *No one* has ever told me any of this. *No one* ever tried to help me by helping me understand my own mind. This all clicked for me. It helped me so much. Thank you.
Watching these videos has been (un and fortunately) more helpful than going to therapy where I never feel fully understood or even am misunderstood... Thank you so much
Yeah that’s both nice to hear and awful to hear 😁😫
I agree, better stuff here than with paid therapists.
“If I leave they win...” but don’t they win seeing me being miserable, depressed, alone? I am a victim of a severe narcissistic parental abuse, haven’t found tools to heal even though it’s been decades ago. Fighting a bear with a plastic knife. Well, anyway, thank you Dr. Eilers, this day will be brighter for me.
Thank you for knowing what I have been going through for the past 25 years. I was actually thinking about drowning myself. But I will continue to fight the black panther some more. I just can't believe someone understands.
Many people do ❤️
Am suddenly grateful that i am afraid of drowning. I hope you get your will to live back, big time,!
Dewey Decimal System.... just gave away my age. By the way, great video. Going to buy the book.
Hope you enjoy it!
@@DrScottEilers "CH2: The Pool!" Funny... I came to that same realization while sitting next to a body of water, as well. Everything played out pretty much the same way with me. That chapter hit home. Loving the book.
@@DrScottEilers Bro, you're never going to believe this, but what you said about using spite as a motivator to keep going really resonates with me for a supernatural reason - because any exorcist will tell you that the #1 thing that demons try to do in possessions and poltergeist infestations - and just generally, when they have their claws in a person - is to get that person to unalive themselves. I really know this well, because my pastor is the exorcist for my diocese, Father John Szada. You can find interviews with him on KZhead. I had my own really frightening and really difficult to get rid of poltergeist - which nobody can deny and claim is simply mental illness, not when witnesses are seeing manifestations - and I can tell you that before the demon started manifesting, it was quietly in my life for years, working on me unseen. My life eventually fell apart and I lost everything, and then I hit a rock bottom where I knew I wasn't going to make it if I couldn't believe in God and find religion. So because I was open and ready, God reached out to me. And as soon as I set foot back in church after decades, that's when the poltergeist began - they were unhappy that I was breaking free of them and turning to God. And God allowed the poltergeist to torment me for a year, in order to show me what I had attracted to myself and invited into my life when I was away from Him, and to force me to draw closer to Him and really strive for holiness. The point is, those things were quietly in my life before they ever even manifested, they were influencing me to mess up my life, and they were driving despair and hopelessness and self-hatred and contempt, with the ultimate goal of getting me to unalive myself. They want you to hate yourself as much as they hate themselves and want you to be as despairing and hopeless as they are. That's just the way they work. And if you do what they want, then they get your soul - or else there would be no point in them trying to drive you over the edge. I'm actually lucky that I had an active poltergeist, because I would have never known that I had so much of a problem until it was too late, until I was dead. Most people never find out that they have a problem with the demonic, because they don't want you to realize you have a problem until it's too late.
I am 63 and from the age of 6-8 I have not wanted to be here, my parents tried to help and I’ve been on antidepressants most of my adult life, with help, I think I’m running out of time to find that help😢
I’m in a bad bout now, but a few things that have helped boost my anti depressants are omega 3’s , vitamin d3 , eggs , walking. I discovered my lifelong no fats diet wasn’t good for my brain ! Also my years long addition to Diet Coke ( nutrasweet ) . I ate keto for a while and it helped but didn’t stick it out because I’m a stress eater .
I have no idea how one of your videos found it's way to my KZhead feed, but I'm so grateful that it did! This is the second one I have watched and I feel like you're literally reading my mind and explaining how I am feeling in ways that I am unable to express. Everything you've said so far is what I'm going through and I've been dealing with this for 18 years, completely on my own without any family or friends to support me. And when I attempt to explain any part of it to another person they pretty much all act like I'm just being a baby and a lot of the time they've just said things like "well, get over it and move on." So I have been barely hanging on at the end of my rope just feeling like nobody is ever going to understand what this is like and I'm never going to find someone who will be able to understand how deep and dark it really is. So THANK YOU SO MUCH for understanding it, not just as a doctor in a clinical sense but also because you have been there yourself. And thank you for putting your knowledge and wisdom on KZhead. You're awesome and I'm about to start binge watching all of your videos. ❤
Welcome! I’m so glad to know my experiences are helping you ❤️
I agree 100%, rare gift, I should know
I actually don't think others usually can be hoped to understand? And I believe interaction must be uplifting? Because nobody has extra.
Idk if it's like this for everyone, but I think my SI actually a coping mechanism. It sounds crazy, but if your nightmare is being trapped in a traumatic scenario you can't escape, death doesn't look all that scary. Without any strong spiritual beliefs, it can even feel somewhat comforting to know that there's always one way out. If anything, the scariest thing to me anymore is not having any means to end my life on short notice.
This is how it works for me, it's comforting to me to know that this is something I have control over
I don't know where this came from, but this has kept me alive even when my passive suicidal would go active. I have this on a poster on my wall, in my bedroom. I see that my weapon is a stick and that I am fighting malaria. "I don’t like the phrase “A cry for help.” I just don’t like how it sounds. When somebody says to me, “I’m thinking about suicide, I have a plan; I just need a reason not to do it,” the last thing I see is helplessness. I think: Your depression has been beating you up for years. It’s called you ugly, and stupid, and pathetic, and a failure, for so long that you’ve forgotten that it’s wrong. You don’t see good in yourself, and you don’t have any hope. But still, here you are; you’ve come over to me, banged on my door, and said, “HEY! Staying alive is REALLY HARD right now! Just give me something to fight with! I don’t care if it’s a stick! Give me a stick and I can stay alive!” How is that helpless? I think that’s incredible. You’re like a marine: Trapped for years behind enemy lines, your gun has been taken away, you’re out of ammo, you’re malnourished, and you’ve probably caught some kind of jungle virus that’s making you hallucinate giant spiders. And you’re still just going “Give me a stick! I’m not dying out here!” “A cry for help” Makes it sound like I’m supposed to take pity on you. But you don’t need my pity. This isn’t pathetic. This is the will to survive. This is how humans lived long enough to become the dominant species. With NO hope, running on NOTHING, you’re ready to cut through a hundred miles of hostile jungle with nothing but a stick, if that’s what it takes to get to safety. All I’m doing is handing out sticks. You’re the one staying alive."
Dewey Decimal System. And thanks for your content. Extremely helpful. I've quietly dealt with passive SI for over 30 years. I feel less alone and slightly more human because of your videos. 🙏🙏 ❤
Was looking for this comment before I posted it myself hehe "Dewey decimal" is so fun to say.
IF YOU DON’T DIE BEFORE YOU DIE, YOU DIE WHEN YOU DIE Thanks for this episode. ❤️☘️
I thought about what you said about capacity for violence being associated with active SI. It really answered my burning question as to how or why I haven't acted. It isn't because I wasn't sad enough or miserable enough. I have seen so many people attempt that I am convinced many people would be dead if they had to cope with my state of mind for as long as I have. It isn't a matter of my experiences or hardships compared to theirs. It is the raw emotions themselves. Even now it is still in the back of my mind that my death will not be a natural one. But the fact that I haven't acted reflects my inability to commit violence is really profound. I don't have to be ashamed or unsure anymore. I can be proud that my being here is a testament to my nonviolent nature.
SAME!!!!!!!!! I never ever understood why I “couldn’t just do it” because I definitely wanted to be gone but I can never get myself to act! It’s so frustrating but now I understand it is my non violent nature 😢❤❤❤❤❤❤
❤
@Cavegeckosol Sending you love 🩷
There are non violent ways. I know i will do it one day when im ready ive known that my entire life. No im not particuly depressed prob mostly lonely for most of my life. Luckily i have good health and stay fit. Well fit for a 69yr old.
I took a screenshot of your post, for me to refer to later on. I realized I reached a slight turning point, when considering suicide options. After staring down at the dirty (filthy!!!) subway tracks in some NYC subway stations, I decided that I just did not *hate myself enough* to throw myself away like trash, to be torn apart by a train, and horrifying the subway train driver, nearby people and anyone who is called to clean up the scraps. I just decided *_that_* method would not be something I would do. It is was a profound moment for me.
I have childhood ptsd from the public school system and bullying. I needed this. I turn 24 in five days and still to this day I didnt plan to be alive this long. I've been in constant crisis, screw midlife, it started when I was 10. I have used spite for sure. But the only thing that keeps me alive from my own hands today, is a boy named Dylan who took his life when we were 13. That pain is something I would never wish upon my worst enemy. So I'll live on in spite of that pain so others don't have to feel it. Thank you for the vids you produce. They help immensely. Cheers mate.
I've traded up people that I think would suffer the most a few times. For awhile it was ex, who cheated on me w/ a really young girl, young enough to be his grand daughter. He's done his thing, I kicked him out and he does feel some guilt. I knew the guilt would eat him alive if I didn't make it. Not sure why I cared, but I have empathy, and he's short on it. For awhile, it was an aunt I didn't grow up w/, so we aren't close, but still care about each other, and had a mild sort of love. She lost 3 close family in a short time, and I was afraid even losing someone as more distant as I am, might be that last straw. It's funny, because she stopped messaging me, and she was the one who reached out first. Not sure why, afraid to ask. It could be she just doesn't understand depression, like clinical, not grief type depression.
wow, I have a very similar experience, we are at the very least blessed with compassion and extreme persistence :) I lost a daughter two and a half years ago, and I miss her so much.
@@memyselfandlewii8781 I'm so sorry you lost your daughter. Even though I have a profound level of grief, I can't imagine that type of grief to lose a child. Lost a very dear friend from my teens recently, and that is bad enough. Still miss her so much, because she made my miserable life a bit better, and she was so strong w/ her level of disability, and it was an example to me to try and persevere.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 I appreciate your empathy. She was quite a ray of sunshine. many friends have passed in the last few years. I know this may sound callous but I envy the dead. You never know right?
@@memyselfandlewii8781 No, it doesn't sound callous at all. i would gladly have traded places w/ my old friend, Joanne. She had kids, and I don't. She had a lot more to live for. I do envy that she is such a better place and not struggling anymore. That's at the same time as being happy for her too, because her level of disability caused so much suffering for her. We are all devout Christians in my old circle of friends that she was part of, and she was one of the strongest in her faith. I have always solidly believed that heaven is such a better place to be, so I can't wait to get there. I'm just doing my time here.
I'm 58 yrs old & have been actively educating myself in every way available to me since age 30. And desperately seeking understanding since age 8 or younger. My learning has been both first hand, consisting of more than a dozen self admitted inpatient psych, intensive outpatient programs, routine long term therapy, group therapy , & medication. I've read & reread countless recommended books & my passion for continuing to learn has never wavered. Even during years of not being clinically depressed. I said all that to say this: All I've mentioned added together doesn't come close to the clarity this video has given me. This is the absolute most valuable information I've ever heard! Thank you so much❤
Wow…I don’t even know how to respond to this other than to say thank you ❤️
That is wonderfull. Somewhere someone as something googto give us. And if you tried that hard, life will give you what you seek. ❤️
when your dark times have gone on too long.....i cried thru this whole video....& i've always somehow known that my "sticking around" pissed some people off....😶.... but i keep going
I’m 54 now & have felt this way since at least age 9. I used to take crazy risks & tempt fate. I’m surprised I’ve made it this long. I’ve always known that my life would end by my own hand at some point. It’s just a matter of time. In March I intentionally overdosed & was so incredibly depressed when I woke up in the hospital. I was devastated that I failed. My constant thought from then on has been that I want this to end. I’m doing a little better right now, but I still tell myself that, if/when I get a serious illness, I will not get treatment for it & I will not tell anyone until it is too late to save me. I wake up & endure because I have to be here for my kitties. No one would take care of them the way I do & that’s all that keeps me going. Thank you so much for your content, I feel like you really get it. It helps me not feel so alone.
God bless you. Your love shines through.
I relate to your suffering
Just recently found your channel, which has been a blessing. Last month I found out my counsellor passed away last November. You reminded me of him. Your way of explaining things, compassion, and style of communication. Thank you 😃
Sorry that your counsellor passed away.
@@foodisgoodthatsthetruth3231 thank you
Thank you for this! I'm bordering on 25, and I don't ever think I've felt entirely comfortable in a "group" or "clique"; they all seem to be so much about conforming to a certain way of behaving or sharing a certain interest to a degree that I just don't resonate with. These past years, though, I've started to accept that I might never find "my group", and instead started focusing on nurturing individual quality connections within the various communities I frequent. I still experience a sort of isolation at times, and I occasionally wonder if there are other people who feel the same... I think there are, though, because I'm lucky enough to have found some of them.
Everytime im in a dark place i go hiking or kayaking. It shuts my mind off for a few hours a day and brings the endorphins up for a bit. But once i stop my mind shifts back to a dark depressive place. Some days are easier than others to want to keep going. I feel like ive just gone thru the motions of life in a fog for so long. Much of that belongs to a feeling of not being able to feel real love from another person. Not sure ive ever allowed myself to feel that in my 40 years on this planet.
Thank you for saving my life today, I'll do my best to deserve it
If you’ve been taught that you deserve less than this you have been taught incorrectly ❤️
Thank you so much for this content. I cried a lot and all of it hit home for me. Fighting my wolf with a stick for over 25yrs. Doesn’t seem so weak anymore. 💚 I will rewatch when I need to feel stronger and use the tips you gave. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart💚 - Michelle
You are so welcome
What's difficult for me is that I experience passive SI despite having things in love that I enjoy and look forward to. Most of the time I'm just indifferent, even in positive situations. "Wow this is really nice, but oh well, that wouldn't matter if I didn't exist." Today it was "If someone held a gun to my head, I'd encourage them to shoot. If someone handed me a gun, I couldn't do anything despite kinda wanting to" I hate that even not wanting to die doesn't mean I want to live.
God bless the suffering souls, no one is alone and we're just experiencing what is in front of us❤❤
The things that have kept me alive for 30 years of mild to moderate passive suicide ideation (though I call it my deathwish): - My mother’s brother killed himself, and I have several friends who have gone through the suicide of a close one. I don’t want to add to their grief by doing the same. - I have friends that I want to see again, care for and want to keep develop interesting relationships with. - I remember that even if I struggle and feel swallowed by the void at times, I will probably get back to at least partial thriving after a while. - I believe that it is no more ethical to kill yourself than it would be to kill someone else, and ethics is important to me. - I have compassion for my fear, fury, sorrow and bleakness, and the compassion usually carries me through the worst. - I have this far only very rarely been in a mental space where my deathwish is stronger than both my selfish love for myself and my unselfish love for others, and when it is, I just take it one day at a time, or one minute at a time. - I learnt early to cherish my own connection to life, the things I personally live for, and to care for that connection, instead of chasing the things other people claim to be the meaning of life. - I developed a fierce self-loyalty and a deep self-companionship at a time when most people seemed to find me weird and I felt I had to choose between abandoning myself and being alone. I chose myself, and I can keep choosing myself. - When all else fails I can sleep and watch stupid shows, listen over and over again to my favorite books, eat junk food and just wallow a bit until it eases up a bit. I’ve found that my self-destructive urges often can be appeased with milder stuff than actual death, as long as it gives me a break from the struggle and a sense of some freedom. I have been living with a deathwish since I was about ten or eleven, and the longest it has been dormant was for about six months. I’ve had therapy for eight years, worked with my dream job (art philosophy) for ten years, had my whole life collapse until I was housebound and almost bedbound for a couple of years while economically dependent on a seriously dysfunctional relationship, but my deathwish is fairly constant. I was worried it would be harder to deal with when my life fell apart, but strangely not. Hope for a better (or even different) future was never my strongest tool against it, the strongest ways through were always compassion, self-companionship, an ability to enjoy the bleakness and a determination to keep going. I can still have those, when it is really bad, and even when I can’t see it ever getting better. And thanks for saying that it isn’t weak to struggle with this. I agree that ”successfully” wrestling a deathwish for decades is no small feat. Sometimes that is also what keeps me going, the sense of victory and acconplishment I could have when at long last I die from old age.
I have to be careful with the wording here, and I completely understand you. But it's just interesting how we get in the end what we wish for, and you will get your wish eventually, we're here on this Earth for a limited time, most likely, if you don't count our decaying bodies or molecules as the continuation of life here. My point is, sometimes we have to aim higher, because there are some things that we will get in any case, so hopefully things will get better for you and your subconcious will replace "death wish" with something like a goal, that you can still achieve in your life time. God bless.
You have a lot of empathy and compassion, and a lot of love to give. Your accomplishment w/ self love is admirable. I'm working on this. Love your neighbour, as you love yourself - the love yourself part has been a revelation to me this last year. I'm Christian, but I only focused on the loving your neighbour part in the past. I somehow didn't notice the last part. You sound like a wonderful person to know.
This is so well-written as well as relatable. How do you grapple with failing at basic responsibilities no matter how hard you try? (I understand that perhaps this is not actually an issue for you.)
❤
Wow! This must have been very cathartic and I hope healing for you. You have accepted yourself when so many fight themselves. I'm glad you did type this because now I don't feel so alone in this.
Have been battling this bear from 4 years old. Trying my best to hang on, one moment at a time, the strongest reason being music. You are a warrior, dear one. We're in this battle together. And each day, we win.❤️
Thank you for the video. I don't know if my SI is passive or crosses over the line to active. I don't have a plan, but I'm also not doing anything to prolong my life like taking prescribed medication and medical treatments that will shorten my life if not done. I just simply don't want to do life anymore. It's too hard. I made my first attempt at 14. I'm 46, no partner, no kids, no reason to be alive. I wish I had simply ended things at 14. Two years ago, I spent a small fortune on ketamine treatments to stop my SI. Two years later, I'm right back to where I've been for most of my life, wishing I'd ended things at 14.
Me too
I’m so sorry to hear this. I’m nearly actively suicidal now. Similar life. 41, no husband or kids, can’t travel or drive due to back pain and medical trauma, severely abused emotionally throughout life. Spent a decade bedridden. I wish I had died in the accident that wrecked my life 17 years ago. The universe really hates my guts and I have no clue why. Sending you some light. I get your pain. I’m so suicidal today. It was the biggest festival in India today - Diwali. Everyone around me was celebrating and happy and wearing gorgeous clothes but I was stuck with a surprise visit from my abusive mother right after I prayed to the universe for help. Want to get out of here so life can stop tormenting me! This video is the first thing for several hours. It allowed me to drink some water. I’ve barely eaten or drunk water all day. I hope you feel less alone. I get it. You’re not alone.
Make Art for survival and inspiration to live
It's like You're talking about me . I wish You were my Dr or counselor . I feel I've been struggling with this for over 40 years . It's like You understand how I feel inside . I had a counselor once who would get mad at me when I felt this way . He once told me he doesn't know what he could do for me I cried and said " You're my counselor Help me " He told me he couldn't counsel me anymore, we had a big argument and I stormed out of his office feeling worse . I do go to a different mental health program now . Staff is wonderful but it's so hard to explain to them this feeling I have . Nowadays it's all paperwork. You made other videos about how people just feel empty inside , that's how I feel . I do fight it everyday and it is a struggle . Thank You for making these videos it is helpful at least knowing there's a healthcare professional who truly understands . I appreciate it .
Sorry you had such an awful experience before. Some people should not be in this profession! I’ll keep making my weekly content, hope it helps a little ❤️
I didn’t know this was a “thing” and your video made me realize it’s not that uncommon. I still feel this way but at least I know I’m not alone.
No you’re not alone. Stay Strong. I think most of us feel this way sometimes.
The near death experiences I have listened to or read all seem pretty positive. Most say they did not want to go back to life.
These particular feelings are very new to me and it's very scary!! I've been struggling since I was 11 or so and am now 43... The internal chaos has changed and become so intense and extremely painful.
I hope you can hold onto how many times you've fought through before. A different fight, but not your first 💪 See if you can take a walk in nature without people. Birds, trees, stars. They don't add pressure. People do. I find white noise helps take the edge off too. Rain, waves etc.
Depression is like being underwater and you’re sure the whole world is wet. The trick I used is when I wasn’t depressed and finally believed I probably would be again, so knew it’s bad brain chemicals, I knew I wouldn’t remember, so u said out loud I’m not depressed, remember this. When I got depressed again, I remembered saying it even tho I didn’t believe it could be true. So I asked myself if I’m a liar. I’m not. This helped me believe and have hope.
I can’t thank you enough for doing this video. I have fought with SI and passive SI most of my life. Even when I’m happy, I always feel it in the very back of my head. The way you describe the feeling of the emotional association of my memories - nobody has ever articulated it in a way that I could understand before. It’s like being in the ocean you get down to the deep dark sunless depths all you can think about is the times that you have been there before. It’s so hard to remember the sun when it’s that dark. I have been over and over all of those reasons for staying. Obviously they’ve worked. I’m currently in a very good place, but I find myself even being afraid of people who are depressed as if they are contagious because I’m so familiar with the feeling of that darkness. I really appreciate what you’ve done here. This is something most people don’t even want to consider talking about much less doing a KZhead video on for the wider public. ❤️
I just want to do as much as I can to help because I know how miserable this is ❤️
That last part hit me like a ton of bricks. I've never heard an analogy that describes this so accurately. Maybe I need to give myself a little more credit.
Same!!!!!!! ❤ *Hugs
thanks for such a good discussion. Now 65 I’ve had passive and active SI almost continuously since I was 13, can’t remember before that. In those teenage years I distinctly recall the spiteful defence I used against the SI. But the will to fight the thoughts has wained and then my strategy came from the understanding and recognition that a highly stressed body-mind would almost naturally exhibit SI. I would say to myself: that is what body mind does under extreme stress. So rather than build on the case to validate the thoughts, my faithful mind was viewed as taking on a task that was beyond it’s resources. It was trying to find a solution to a problem that it actually could not solve. I developed a lot of compassion for myself and my mind from this understanding.
❤
I totally understand now....I had a light bulb moment there...Thank you,I am going to have a lot more compassion for myself and for my mind to, God knows they deserve it .....🙏
That's a good insight. Thank you for that.
Me too
Thank you. This is immensely helpful
Sir, you are a saint amongst men!This content has and will continue to help a lot of people from all walks of life, I thank you truly from the bottom of my heart for the wonderful insight and take on this phenomenon. May you and your family be showered with many blessings in the future.. much love from the UK! 🇬🇧🫶🏼
I never had passive suicidal ideation until I went on antidepressants. I never had aphantasia till I went on antidepressants. I have been on one or another since junior year of high school and I just turned 43 this summer. SSRIs have both saved and ruined my life. Everything is double-edged.
I can relate. Ritalin confirmed my adhd diagnosis . Worked brilliantly until they didnt. I am now worse than i was before. Not quite the same as your experience. I wish your poor brain all the best.
Interesting, I developed aphantasia after starting low dose naltrexone. It’s been about six years now I’ve been off and it’s still not better yet.
"Just. Say. No."
@@cassandra9699 I know what I’m like when I’m off of them entirely. Take your psych meds.
@@gibsonraymonda your psych meds are causing the conditions of "what it's like" when you stop taking them. They've made you dependent, and soon they'll stop working all together. Then you'll know "what it's like" all the time. You can do it. Best of luck.
The reason I'm still here is because of 2 reasons. 1. I'll never forget what my mother told me a long time ago. She said that suicide was a sin and whoever commits it will go straight to hell , ( scared the crap out of me, I was raised catholic and young ) 2. I didn't create myself , so therefore I don't have the right to destroy something that wasn't my creation.
I’m not even religious, and that still scares me, because… what if?
I’m one of three siblings. The youngest at 57. My older sisters committed suicide. My middle sister in 1989 and my older in 2018. I fight daily to find meaning in my life. I’m literally alone. Shitty job, no remaining family, bad divorce, lost my best friend (dog) two years ago. I wake daily praying I get into a fatal car accident, receive a medical death sentence, or some manner that gets me off this miserable planet. At least with a bad medical diagnosis, I’d know there was an end coming soon. I’ve been in a hell for eight years I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Why do those who suffer, continue to, and those who cherish life, don’t get to live a full one they deserve? I’m Christian and I still can’t figure it out. Thank you Dr Scott. At least there’s a name for my misery. Passive SI. I don’t have the nerve to carry it out like my sisters did. I don’t have the nerve to tell God why I took the life He gave me so I stay on this miserable planet and count my days hoping, praying this comes to an end.
I was hit and punched by my mum as a child and told I wasn’t loved. I’m in bits watching this. I remember wishing that button existed when I was only 12
Now have the courage for another day. Thank you so much. I love the way your mind works and how you communicate that!
You are so welcome
Just knowing I'm not alone means a lot. Just found your website tonight 😁
Welcome aboard!
After suffer years of depression and several attempt of suicidal try I have to say dieing is not the scary part it's what if you miss and survive. Living after any attempt is the horrible outcome.
I have always been depressed, but being alone most of the day and recently diagnosed with chronic pain, these feelings have started to boil over. The last point really hit home, I hate when therapist use guilt to talk about this subject, but being recognized for how much I’m trying to just make it through the day means a lot.
Found your channel this past week and I want to thank you for putting your content out there. Have struggled with this (and so many severe MH things) for 30 years and have felt utterly hopeless lately (despite weekly therapy) bc it feels like I’ve tried everything and have tried for so long. Your stuff has put a little wind in my sails though and I feel like I can see a little light flickering through again (for the first time in a couple years). I appreciate your perspective & non-judgement delivery & that you’ve been through it too. Have subscribed. Thank you again. :)
I’m so glad it’s helping
Thank you!! My grandson is suffering from this I believe. I hope he will get help from someone like you. Family has tried to be there, but he is an adult an you can't force him to do anything.
The vision of my avatar fighting anything with a plastic knife is both comical and heart-rending, because you are absolutely right. Decades of right.
That was a Great metaphor! Have been fighting off my mountain lion with plastic knives for over 50 years. Thank you. I have a hard time crying and I just did.
Yes. Wow. That's why it feels so exhausting, because every time I get really depressed, I think about all the other times I felt that way, and it compounds. You connect them, and it makes you feel like it happens all the time. I never knew it was a brain function, it just felt like... the truth. Thank you.
The 'spite' thing has helped me so many times and it just feels good to hear someone else describe, why it works. Watching this made me feel a little less alone in the world, thank you!
Glad it helped!
Same here. Living a healthy life just to outlive people who’ve been mean to me lmao.
Yes!
I can't connect w/ the living for spite part too well. I don't think I've had much of a bad time w/ bullying. I did connect for awhile w/ the expression, "the best revenge is living well". Maybe that's similar. It wasn't about revenge at all, really the opposite. More like instead of being bitter and seeking revenge, that trying to do well by yourself is better than that. This is what got me through some times when I did feel like I was treated badly, or when that was my perception. Hope that makes sense.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 I hear you I do and you’re absolutely making sense …however, some of us literally have people in our lives who’d rather see us unalived ..so in my darkest moments, it can help to think about them and say: I’m not doing you that favour!
You made me cry…because you’re right and it hurts.
I'm 58. I come from a deeply disfunctional family. Most likely alcoholic. On the spectrum. I've had 9 jobs in 7 years. No husband, divorced. Deeply sick & tired of being sick & tired. Tired of trying. Tired of people. Trauma on top of trauma, on top of deep depression. The kind that imobilizes me, and freezes me right through. Except when I'm with my pets or grandson, I rarely genuinely feel anything. I hate my life, I hate being born different than others. I've had this suicidal ideation and deep, dark depression since the age of 14. A few attempts as well. A former cutter. Just tired of living through this living hell that is my life. I just want relief, and to feel like someone (besides me), has my back.
How I can relate. Im currently planning my exit....sitting in a parking lot on a cold, dreary rainy day. Im done with life and leaving soon. Im at peace now knowing that. What a disappoimtment this life has been.....
The end was very sentimental, really makes you see just how much of a struggle PSIs are
Well said Dr. Eilers. I know you are helping many people and I'm very glad you decided to live. It helps to know I'm not alone with my spork trying to fight a lion, so again, thank you.
Fighting these demons every day is never ending but ty for explaining it.
I too feel like I was delivered to the wrong planet and family. I've been dealing with passive SI since childhood, along with complex trauma. I have to agree that to an extent, spite has kept me around, and I greatly appreciated hearing you say that, Dr. Scott. I don't want someone else to be able to pretend to own the narrative of my life. Funny how family that never wanted to get to know me would all of a sudden get to do just that if I was gone all of a sudden. Anyway, I have to say how impressed I am by Dr. Scott's speaking ability. He speaks so well, so eloquently, with intelligence, presence, empathy, and conviction. His voice is comforting. These videos are helpful and meaningful to me. The production values are top notch, but it's mostly due to what he brings to the table. I'm very grateful to have stumbled across his channel.
Thank you for this video, I needed to hear this. My seasonal depression has gotten stronger and I’ve stopped caring about my life but am not actively trying to die. It’s like I’m stuck in a tar pit, and I can’t get out, and every time I try I sink deeper into it. I’m disabled and I can’t work for a living, so I’m just a useless parasite living off the government. I know people would be sad if I disappeared, but I can’t say that it’s not tempting. Guess I should talk to a doctor about this, because it’s gotten worse pretty fast and pretty suddenly.
I was crying on the inside when you said that you were a useless parasite living off the government. It hurts me that you feel that way about yourself and that I feel that way about myself too. I'm disabled as well and I understand it completely. I'm in the state you're in right now. Not caring about life yet not actively opting out. I understand it too well. Since I was 7 years old, I wanted to be in my own version of Heaven, and as time grew on, that fantasy grew and grew. Actually writing a book on this. I don't think any book has ever truly discussed this so I figure I'd do it. Hell, if the place I'm talking about actually existed, I'd take you with me to that place of rest and unconditional love. I think the inevitable problem with the world we are in is that the concept that we are worthy no matter what or merely because we exist seems to get lost really easily. It's so easy to get caught up in the idea that if we're not working, we're worthless. But honestly- fuck society. I know it's not as simple as saying that. But if you can, as much as possible, play by your own rules. I truly wish you the best.
Your pain touched my heart. I hope you are able to get some healing support. Over 30 years ago, I walked down a sidewalk feeling particularly bleak and hopeless. Someone walking past me smiled warmly, looked me in the eye and greeted me. That shot of human warmth touched me so deeply it is etched in my memory all these years later. There are countless small ways to contribute something of value that may not seem like much but make the world a better place. Perhaps when your suffering has eased, some gesture of kindness will brighten the world. Sometimes a kind smile is like a life preserver for someone who is struggling.
government want to take me off ss😭) and go back to work in my sixties😭) how long do they want me to work too😭) sixties how long you got left) y'all lucky you're white) try being black)
I understand and am in a similar position. Relying on the government and being diagnosed with a terminal illness gets to me. I had SI /PSI since I was 15 so, this situation is like the cherry on top. lol Much love to you!
Wow. I very much needed to hear this. I’ve been frozen for several months after struggling to recover from physical illness in a toxic work environment, eventually losing my job. Memory congruence had me convinced I was doomed to fail and I’ve been struggling to find the courage to even try again. Which of course made me feel even more broken. The imagery of fighting a bear was such a huge paradigm shift. Every time you mentioned a plastic knife, I kept thinking “I don’t even have a plastic knife. Spork; I have a spork.” Your imagery exercise made me realize I’d been fighting my grizzly with a spork for almost 50 years. No wonder I’m so tired! And now I think I need to find a better weapon…
I LOVE SPITE AS A STRATEGY. Sometimes its the only thing that reaches me. When I think of spiting my abusers it always brings a demented little smirk to my face.
Dr Scott, I am so incredibly grateful for you . I described the “button” scenario to my therapist many times - which was eerily close to how you articulated this in your video (for the record, I’ve used that exact simile for years and I didn’t see this video until three days ago). It made me feel better knowing I wasn’t loosing my flippin’ mind. The number of times I’ve wished there was a button to press and simply cease to exist is beyond measure. Your humility, your willingness to open your heart and put yourself out there for those of us who are hurting is a God send. I hope you know this. You voiced in another video that you are fulfilling a purpose by doing these videos. That is a *major* understatement. You are serving an incredible purpose. Yes, I thought I belong somewhere else, like another planet. But not here. I fight often to stay here and I will. God bless you Dr Scott.
Thankyou Dr.Scott. I have been trying hard to keep myself alive for my family, after losing my brother to suicide. I really needed to hear this. The part about memories being brought up from the past based on our current mood, and the part about fighting a grizzly bear with a plastic knife. I really needed this. I felt empty, and the part about the grizzly bear filled a bit of the void.
I would love to see info on senior depression and how to deal with it. Passive suicide is very much in my mind now and I feel that I’m just existing. It’s such a struggle to live with.
Me too. Feel my time is up. Wanna go.
That ending analogy of fighting the bear with a plastic knife … wow. Thank you. ❤
I’m there right now due to my friends and Christmas. No family . No lover. Nice to know there is a definition for what I’m feeling
I'm feeling so much better and I didn't think that was possible 12 hours ago. I even wrote myself a final will and testament because of how destroyed I felt over my academic performance. It feels so weird but reassuring to literally be talked off a ledge 😢
What turned things around for you?
Thank you for explaining this so brilliantly, i have all the issues you described, not one or two all of them, each day is a battle with my mind., just to stay alive, one day at a time. Thanks to you maybe i will make it through one more day, My SI is a tiger , my tools a jelly fish, we have been at this for twenty years, that's
I'm turning 33 this weekend and every single day of my life I think about doing it. It's been this way for as long as I can remember. I truly haven't gone a single day since I was probably 12 or 13 without wanting to do it. It's been 20 years. It's not going to get better. I'm just tired. I don't want to be here any more.
I’m thankful to finally find a psychologist who has been through this, and it is not just from reading. A lot of things you really need to experience to understand. I still feel a little ashamed sometimes even though I don’t have those ideations anymore. struggled with depression since 13. I think until 33. I think the ideations began when I was 17 or 18. I learned how to move past it on my own because in my late 20s I went to a psychologist, and she broke my trust, and I didn’t go back or find another one. Wouldn’t suggest this for everyone of course, just thankful I am better
I cried with that last part! My tools are a little tiny bird against a big panther. It’s really changed how I see myself so thank you
That's scary to think that I can't even trust what I see, to be real.
Going back and forth, how do I feel so good one day and so bad the next? I can’t believe how bad I felt yesterday. It seems unreal and overdramatic on a day when I feel better, but when feeling really bad, it is hyper-real.
For Real. I totally understand that one.
I did not realise there was an actual term for this state of mind. Doctors always ask if you have suicidal thoughts. If you say yes, they ask if you already have a 'plan' to end your life. But nothing about the fact that it there can be in this limbo land for years. You always get the impression that if you have depression, it must be an 'episode' that start and an end. And if you don't manage to get to the end bit, you are somehow not doing it right, not trying hard enough, dont have right medication. Or right therapist etc. Nothing about the fact that you can learn to live better with some of this depression. That it may never go away completely. I feel so guilty for being depressed so often, each time something hard happens to me. Or that i struggle so much to recover. I do feel weak and pathetic, as i see others bounce back from hard events, in a seemingly much easier or quicker way. Thanks for lessening the guilt a bit with this clip. Each of your videos are so helpful. Wish you existed in pill form ❤😘
I didn’t know there was a term for this either, somehow it’s comforting to know there is. I wish more therapists would recognise this rather than that yes or no question about feeling suicidal.
Excellent advice, embrace you "weirdness", embrace your uniqueness, don't care too much what others think of you, first of all get to know yourself. .
Wow…this is the first time in my long life that I actually felt someone could read my feelings, it was a real eye opener. For me personally you explained what I couldn’t and injected counter thoughts to them which I know when I heard them would be relevant and help me reason and wrestle with this low passivity of mine. I have a life that most would envy, and in a way that makes me feel worse, ungrateful and pathetic. I can’t understand why I can’t grasp joy and positivity like everyone else seems to do. I have pretended to be normal and look like I fit in and am enjoying myself, but like you, I have a never ending nag that I don’t truly belong anywhere with anyone. I have family, friends, health a lovely home..and I’m not ungrateful …I appreciate all I have..but it’s never quite me. Life seems such an effort, I’m going to re watch you again..I love your words, you look the type of guy who’s always had a great life, attractive, intelligent, clever, gifted with people…and yet to know you felt this way too blows me away. Anyway..thanks SO MUCH ..AMAZING.
Some day I will tell more of my back story on here. I have not always been the person you see in these videos ❤️
@@DrScottEilers You've mentioned some of your backstory in bits and pieces while doing individual videos. It would be interesting to really hear your testimony though. Some people manage to get out of severe depression, find the tools to pull themselves out, get a better life and stay out. Some of us are just chronic though, and seem to get worse over time.
@@DrScottEilers well, we think your amazing,
Wow. You're the only person who has explained the "we're different kinds of crazy" friends. I never looked or dressed like them, but yes, they looked on the outside how I felt on the inside. Yet I couldn't identify with the people who looked like me - the "girl next door" look. I was a misfit inside a misfit even AMONG other misfits. I cannot alter the life-changing incidents that occurred and others cannot see them in my face when they stand before me. I know they're not capable of understanding and so I try to "keep it light" but doing so feels like a denial. To make things worse, past therapists have told me they'll be with me through my journey of healing, but one by one, they quit.
I believed that people should have that choice when i was younger. What changed my mind was learning that the vast vast majority of people who decided to do that and survive say that they immediately regretted it. And that its often an impulsive decision made in 5 minutes. The only exception is medically assisted deathfor people who are already terminally ill.
Thanks so much for this Dr. Scott. It really, REALLY helps to hear these things and know that there is hope. I'm so glad I found your channel. God bless you. 🙂
The Deletion button, the feeling, we´ve been placed on the wrong planet, and many other things you said (The color substraction thing :)).. Exactly what I´ve experienced.
Wow. This all makes sense. Thank you. 😊
That visualization at the end! Tears. Good ones. Thank you