The Two Things That Deeply Psychologically Change a Person - Analysis by a Former Therapist
2020 ж. 14 Қаз.
2 142 863 Рет қаралды
I hope you found value in this video! Wishing everyone the best!
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Greatest single thing that changed my life? Living in a positive environment with supportive people for an extended period of time.
Absolutely, in my case it was working outdoors (landscaping/gardening) with likeminded, positive and funny people. 4 years and i have become more stronger and calmer.
Now you owe us a location where you've found those people.
@@name5876 I married a supportive wife, raised our son to be a good little kid, chose an office with laid-back colleagues to work with (small team), and have no friends or family members who I ever speak to except for one who doesn't live in the country, and for me, that works out pretty well.
@Skye M I found this positive environment in intellectual spaces. Particularly in "fireside gatherings" with members of the Baha'í Faith. I think organized spaces that facilitate open and free discussions on deep topics (regardless of whether they are spiritual or not) is a good place to start and maybe even stay. I have built the strongest and most meaningful friendships of my entire life in spaces like this. Be aware that broken people exist everywhere. It's resilliant/ self- aware people that you must be able to identify and get close to in these, and in every space.
That sounds amazing
Narcissistic, abusive parents probably cause more suffering in this world than we have ever really imagined.
Even regular old parents do this. They think they are helping us by teaching us to conform to society's expectations (and also selfishly doing this to avoid embarrassment.) They think they need to train us and guide us to do what they have been taught to do, often with good intentions. All the while, what they are really communicating is that we are unacceptable as we are and must do what insist in order to get approval. We must choose between being authentic or being accepted, and we all choose the latter because we must when we are still so dependent on adults for survival.
The more difficult truth is they often arent narcissists. the more difficult truth is they FULLY believe they are doing the right thing, that they're doing whats best for the child. Thats the hard part to come to terms with. This is my life. I have no scape goat. No villain. No one to blame directly. Because they are ignorant of wrongdoing
@@phillystevesteak6982 They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
@@benjamin4930 exactly. ignorance is bliss - FOR the offender. But can be hell for the offended
Holy shit how did a comment made a day ago get 137 likes? Is Daniel blowing up??
My parents were divorced when I was five, a horrible, messy divorce, full of violence and hatred. We were left with our father, a convincing and charming narcissist He married a monster that severely abused me and my siblings. I finally ran away at 14 and never went back. I have always been very hard on myself and ashamed of my inability to socialize and be normal. I am 72 and never married. It is only recently that I realized that those things were impossible for me because there was no one there to teach me the rules and I had to raise myself with no skills to do so. I avoid people and live as a hermit because I feel other people are just there to hurt me. At least now, I can like myself and can be my own best friend. I wish videos like this were available when I was younger.
Wow that sucks. I'm like this to at 28 just hate myself so much because I too wasn't allowed to be my true self.
I’m so sorry you went thru this and totally resonate the inability to socialize and be normal.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I wish you a happy and contented life from now on ❤
I'm 31 and have a very similar story. No friends, no wife or gf, just a couple family members. God bless you, you're not alone.
@@filippians413 I don’t feel alone but with people like you responding, it makes me think there are good people after all. Thank you and you have a good life. We all can heal.
Just leave me alone In the place where I make no mistakes In the place where I have what it takes -Elliot Smith
Rip
What does that mean for you
@@Kinobambino this song is actually about this guy's strained relationship with his parents. So, this verse probably refers to the toxic, unsupportive environment, he grew up in.
Rest in peace
I’ve never heard that quote before but I love it
"Attacked for having a spirit." That hits home. Only now do I realise how emotionally immature that parent really was.
It's even worse when you marry someone just like that parent because you don't know better but that's the only dynamic you know how to function in.
@@patriciasalem3606 Really sorry to hear that but understandable. I hope you can move away from any negativity and toward only good things. x
@@ladybirdtravels Thank you. Peace to you too.
It's even worse when it's both parents and they worked as a team
@@lockandloadlikehell I'm so lucky that my late father tried his best to make up for my mother's narcissism, even when he himself came from a terribly traumatic childhood. Everything good in my early years is because of him.
My father was beaten regularly almost to death at times by his father. He's never received therapy or anything so he continued the cycle with my brothers and I. Growing up I swore I'd never be like him, but we naturally always carry traits of our environment. I noticed I was displaying these traits and I had to change. It took losing everything. My wife, kids, friends... changing my mindset from violence and anger to compassion and patience was the hardest thing I've ever done. I still slip up here and there, but I'm a different person. I look at my kids and think about how I was once their age and how innocent I once was. I'm trying to protect their childhood at all costs. They will never grow up like I did. I won't allow it.
Oh my. My deepest condolences for what happened to you and your family. You are very strong to have changed things for yourself and those around you. I strongly believe we can change with courage, therapy, awakening, and much more. I’m doing all I can to get rid of past trauma for the benefit of my grandchildren. Children so deserve it, and you so deserve a good life. Kudos to you. ❤️🩹
Its fairly easy when you acknowledge Gods Grace and think like Christ and do your absolute best to act in that manner❤✝️
@@saysHotdogs You're in the wrong place to judge buddy. This man did better than most could've and aknowledged his mistakes. I think now he knows well enough how his kids must've felt and that better than any of us. Props to you Mayor, glad you changed for the best!
@@saysHotdogs Don’t do that. This person is in the process and learning and being vulnerable here and you are resorting to your own trauma and shaming him. Don’t do that.
Thank you so much!! You’re extremely strong!
Losing my infant daughter absolutely changed me forever. Losing a child is a trauma that changed every single thing about me.
🙏I am so deeply sorry for your suffering. Jesus said there is going to be a resurrection. The True God will end all suffering, pain and tears at his appointed time. Revelation 21:3-4
I'm so sorry 😞 I lost my first daughter when she was a week old over 30 years ago. Sending you love and healing ❤️ 💕
Loss of your child changes your very DNA, or it sure feels like it!
sorry❤
I’m so sorry for your loss. I never had my own children but I was very happy to be an aunt but I lost my 22 year old nephew in 2022 and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same, I accepted I will never recover and I feel like I’m just trying to cope. It’s the most painful thing to experience and some days it’s almost unbearable. Some people just have no comprehension and seem to expect me to just get over it meanwhile I’m drowning in grief.
Love changes a person, the love from within. When you stop wanting love from other people.
Im at this season in life, of transformation by loving myself, and suddenly, all the anxious attachments I had with everyone are disappearing. It's amazing. Along with finding God as a source of love, my validation and worth are coming from him, and I'm so different now, I don't need to cling onto people so desperately..
Thank you so much for sharing! This makes everything a lot easier and lighter!
Usually happens around 30s
This is the best comment. ❤❤❤
💯💯
to shut down anothers nature is one of the worst things we can do to another and yet families do that to their kids all day, every day, It must change, thank you Daniel for being the change the world needs
I lived through it and can describe it as the only "real" Hell on Earth.
@@violetastoykova-jakobson9278 _"Hell is other people"_ -Jean Paul Sartre
Sadly religion, bullying and absent parents do this.
My entire childhood. Had to hide my hobbies, lest I been enjoying myself instead of working or being repentant of my sins.
Mine did...shut me up, not allowed to "create"... makes a mess...
I have never heard such a accurate description of trauma. You make a solid point, some parents, schools really like a shut down child. I was a deeply traumatized kid, and I was praised for being a shallow, obedient zombie, who never questioned anyone or anything until later on in life.
I wouldn't say some parents...I would say most parents.
Yeah i understand that girl and i'll never be a zombie and you shouldnt either!
Happened to me too 😢
@@thecheekyambipom5730 absolutely girl! Sending u good vibes 😊
I agree. Really very acurate. Enough is emough. I wish no child had to undergo this anymore.
I feel like I’m a teenager in my 30-ies. I’m only now discovering who I am and learning to know my own mind. I am having conversations with myself trying to raise myself into a normally functioning adult. Sometimes I’m surprised I can be this kind to myself - it feels unusual and strange, but maybe I also deserve to feel good about myself.
Same.
Keep on going, you're not alone!
The vast majority of people are like this. They think they are staying youthful, but in reality, they are stuck at around the age they were traumatized.
I thought I had worked on those issues already, but it is like peeling an onion. Very slowly. I am almost forty and still get surprised to learn new things about me or about the world. And every time, it feels exactly the way you described.
HealthyGamers, while being clickbaity, have good content on this as well
The first part of your presentation described my childhood. My father always had a glint in his eye and a subtle smile when I was traumatized; my mother would then giggle. This continued until he died. My grief started to come when I disassociated from them and felt almost orphaned. Then the grief for the boy who was never allowed to be. I had to become my own parent to myself early on to function. I remember one night driving to the house I grew up in and parked outside my old bedroom window. I saw my young face staring out, as I would always do, and I pointed at him and beckoned to come out. I saw the young me come out through the door and I physically opened the passenger side and saw him get in. I physically put the seatbelt on him and said out loud, "you don't live their anymore. You're with me now and let me tell you about your new life." We drove for ages and to this day I talk to him as the father that I should have had. All of this and much more undid their brainwashing. Thank you so much for this video. x
Thanks for sharing. The essence of your story touched me and brought me to tears. Glad to know you’ve been doing well since.
@@erigerontriteleia 🙏
That made me cry. I kinda see myself from time to time as a child and a young woman and wished I could have been there to mentor her. I do it more so now that life has brought me more understanding of the abuse of power used against me. Esp extreme mental cruelty. Thank you for sharing.
💚
Wow, I really liked your story! That is a great and actionable advice, and gave me goosebumps picturing that for myself. Our younger selves shape our adult internal view so drastically and dramatically, and to undo it often requires direct action like this. 👍
I am in my 50's and I am more childish (child like) than I ever was as a child. It's very weird, but I never got to be a child. I was neglected, emotionally and verbally abused. I thought everything was my fault. I will never escape the trauma and I continue to grieve but I try to enjoy my inner child whenever I can... she's pretty cool 😎
At 38 I met a woman who had written a book about how her childhood memories were healed through theophostic prayer. I went to her and asked her to pray me through my memories of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my father. She met with me over a period of weeks and we went into one memory at a time...when the particular chosen memory of the day was focused upon in my mind, we went to prayer and asked Christ to come into the scene and "change it" (actually in this type of prayer we're praying for a vision of "truth" of where the Spirit of God is in this traumatic event) and Jesus came into the scene and picked my little girl self up and held me and shoo'ed my dad out of the room, held me and assured me he was there, he had me, my dad was his problem and not mine and he'd deal with him later, etc. That comforting change of scenes of my memory may seem completely false to someone who doesn't believe in Jesus' divinity, so of course it wouldn't probably work for everyone. But if you are a believer I encourage you to seek out someone to help you pray through your childhood memories of abuse...that is if you'd like to be a better functioning adult! If you're a happy child, well, ok! But I needed to start adulting and it didn't really start happening for me until age 38 when I could finally see my dad as just a sad, pathetic human guy with issues of his own that didn't affect me any more. I was able to let it all go and just unemotionally treat him with the same kindness I would show a bum on the street. Very freeing.
@@kmsongbird Prayer is just another repression mechanism. You need to fully grieve and feel the pain. Prayer and belief in jesus just function as a drug and keeps you from actually healing.
I’m really so happy you’re finally exploring your true self. And I genuinely feel for you and understand you. Peace love and health to you 💗💗💗💗 I love you
@@anthonyiacobucci3652 Oh I grieved for 18 years prior to this, 18 years of wanting to forgive him but not being able to. I felt that pain, too. It was time to stop. You call it repression mechanism. I call it being done being a child and starting to grow up. Belief in Jesus may be a drug to some but it is life to me and I wouldn't trade the experience of this drug for anything in the world.
@@kmsongbird thats sounds very constructive
This stuff totally applies to animals. We rescued a german shepherd last year, and he was so timid and shy for the first few months we had him. Gradually, as he began to notice that we care for him and let him be himself, more of his true personality started coming out. He became a little more pesky, a little more energetic, and a lot more fun. He used to have so much anxiety and now he just enjoys his new home. Everyone notices how much happier he is.
He is so lucky to have come across you and your family. Thank you for rescuing this lovely doggy
A GSD has more capacity to love and snuggle and goof and play,....and _still_ be ready to *work hard* at the drop of a hat. Awesome that you rescued him.
you did a good deed.. so many animals are suffering... the world ignores their plight and how their numbers are alarmingly reducing ... it is a very upsetting situation we have brought upon ourselves... may God save us.
Thank you for mentioning animals. I’m a pet sitter, and I see dogs and cats go through this process- usually takes a few months to about a year.😊
Good job, lucky dog and lucky you to have him
KZhead algorithm really thinks I have some problems at the moment
😂😂😂
😂😂😂
I grew up in an abusive home, but was so determined to live my dream it didnt affect me, until I failed at my dream...which absolutely ruined me as a human, and i never recovered.
I feel you
Keep going take it one day at a time
It’s not over till it’s over bud, don’t beat yourself up too much. Christ bless you.
repeat after me: Perfectly Flawed.....still i rise.
“Rage is the building block of boundaries”.. very well said!! It’s a legitimate and important emotion that many of us are denied having or expressing.
aah no wonder i can only see clearly n stand up for myself when at the tipping point but unfortunately my rage leaves with me guilt and dismantling of whatever boundaries i had to even begin with.
Been traumatized be it sexual abuse as a child. then again as an. Adult , partner physical abuse me in a relationship in my early 20s. And I then a catastrophic betrayal in my last relationship I'm surprised I'm even alive. I'm inately strong mentally but at those time psychologically weak. And still to this day in failure to recognize people who really want to do me harm. That is a he most worrisome, going on 13 yrs marriage but the life before holy sh... When people ask me how do you do it. I say well just look at the moon 🌙 and how battered and bruised it was is and yet we still seek it at darkest of nights to learn that our paths. Among other things. ❤ I'm still rebuilding and now dealing with a narcissistic coworker I can't get away from.
Just wanted to quoat that...
But i get called an incel when i get angry because i cant get a gf. So you being a woman dont allow men to be raged !
@mcpartridgeboy I hear you, brother. However, you don't know anything about this particular individual. You are making baseless assertions because of your anger. She may or may not he the type of person you describe, but "be angry and do not sin" applies here.
I had trauma all my childhood and was controlled for so long. I thought it was my fault and called it depression. At 60 I felt obliterated. At 65 I started to be the real me for the first time ever. A year later I am getting used to it and finding myself more resilient. Fewer friends, and family relationships not as I expected, but its ok -and so worth the hard work to get here.
I Just wanna send you good vibes!
Linda, sending you love and light.
I understand. Better to break one's bread in peace.
Linda, I relate fully with what you’ve said.
I'm sorry I am 41 and went through a si.ilar journey recently. I am writing a book.
I had horrible parents, an a brother and they all made my childhood a hell on earth. They were beyond abusive, their violence, so much of it directly to me, was off the charts. I'm alive by the grace of God. They hated me, then when I was 15 I was thrown out into the streets...where I had to figure out how to survive while running from predators and pedophiles...after having been molested...I had no safe place on the planet. Then, at 18, I was just getting myself together, and while waiting for the bus on my way to work, I was kidnapped at gunpoint by a serial killer. For a week I was beaten brutally and raped constantly. But I escaped. I was his last victim and only survivor. But now I'm in my 60s and dealing with complex trauma, complex ptsd...among other things like fibromyalgia and agoraphobia. My entire adult life has been about trying to heal...while working, maintaining a marriage and raising children, mine and others...I will probably limp along the rest of my days...but I'm alive, and those who tormented me are dead. I win mfers...😏
You rock! ☺️
I’m beyond words. Thank you for sharing🙏🏽❤️
😢
Lol! I love the end. You’re pretty bad ass. You’re not a survivor -you’re a Viking!
My god thats horrible. I’m glad you’re in a better place now and hope you find/found your peace.
“Grieving opened the door for me, to return to myself, so I can evolve” - this helped so hard
Yes! For too long I “waited” for the apologies, the acknowledgment of their mistakes. How dumb is that?! Never going to happen. I’m now learning to think/feel as if I am extinguishing the power of those emotions and memories that live inside of me. I want to be free and joyful. In order to do that I have to make room for these new feelings. Does that make any sense at all 🤪
@@cynthiaopsahl3422 Two things I’d say: firstly, it’s definitely not “dumb” that one would deeply want that those who have wronged you to acknowledge and apologize for what they had done, regardless of how possible that is, that’s a very reasonable emotional desire, one which is actually very painful and hard to come to terms with. If you think about it for a second, the notion that such feelings are dumb is probably sourced from conditioning you got that unconsciously convinced you that you cannot afford to legitimately feel your feelings. Emotions, by their nature, either have to be dealt with at their core, or will continue to live in your subconscious or conscious mind and influence you, so dealing with them is necessary to heal. The fact that various people in your life have wronged you and will never do you any better is one of the things you will have to deeply grieve as you try and learn how to heal, and it will probably be a very difficult and involved thing. Secondly, I would caution you on trying to “extinguish the power” of your feelings as your only solution, and if I interpret you right it seems like a largely combative attitude to changing your internal state. This is often necessary to a degree unfortunately, often times we are simply not ready yet to really feel and work directly with our deep wounds, but to truly heal, that is the ultimate necessary process. It would be hard to say how ready or not ready for that you are being that I don’t really know you, but that is something you will need to figure out on your path. One of the most hugely powerful things with me has been talking to a family member who’s both a really good listener and who’s life experience and perspective I really respect and find valuable. If you have any friends or family members like that you can talk to, it’s just amazing what it can do for you. I think there are also a whole bunch support groups that exist, I haven’t looked into it personally but that probably serves a lot of similar functions. Lastly I would say the other major thing that’s been massively helpful for me has been a regular spiritual practice. Personally I am really a fan of this guy “Sadhguru”, maybe you’ve seen him floating around KZhead recommendations. Ironically his approach to emotions is highly dismissive and that’s like my least favorite thing about him, but the practices he offers (Shambhavi, a meditation technique, his various Hatha Yoga things) have been really fanstastic for me, I do two of them daily, roughly the meditation thing and a yoga posture practice, and I really think they are exceptionally powerful as far as any meditation things I’ve tried. Unfortunately each one is relatively expensive as they have to train teachers really thoroughly to be able to teach the practices, and for some you can only learn them directly from a teacher (they have a page of trained teachers and their locations around the world) but you can tell theirs a certain level of sophistication and depth to what you’re learning which is hard to find for free or like say online. If you don’t jive with that or don’t want to go that far yet or anything like that, I would still say though, take up some yogic practice, maybe just look around online for something that feels like it would help, Aum chanting is great, some pranayama or breathing techniques are great, I’d be careful about ‘mindfulness meditation’ as for people with a lot of emotional trauma or wounds, the fact that you’re just letting your mind run makes it so that it can make you become more conscious of a lot of stuff faster than you’re ready and it can actually be very harmful, but whatever you do, pick something, anything like this and practice it daily. Even if it’s just 5 minutes start there. In a few months you’ll be so glad you did, You won’t notice the positive changes it’s having on your till a while in, but when you do, it’s really something remarkable.
I was aware of my losses. In terms of relationships , self development , progress in life. But I actually grieve now. I cry everyday over some memory. Narcissist step mother who controlled me , narcissist husband for whom I was a slave and giving me a loveless marriage. I’m 60, going through a divorce , wondering if I’ll ever know who I really am.
@@katyflame3668 I’m so sorry for everything that happened to you. If you don’t mind, I’d like to offer a bit of advice. Besides everything Daniel talked and talks about in this video (he’s got plenty of other fantastic stuff that’s worth watching) and doing things like talking to a good listening friend, if you’re lucky enough to have one, these being things which directly work with your thought and emotions, I’ve found personally that some sort of spiritual practice it’s highly beneficial. It’s not a substitute for the emotional and mental work, it’s kind of felt like some sort of a force which generally revitalizes me and makes me feel more alive, strong, and capable of doing whatever it is I need to, including dealing with emotions. You totally don’t have to go this specific route, but I’m a big fan of the practice offerings of this figure “Sadhguru”. Ironically his approach to emotions is very flippant, which is my least favorite thing about him, but if you get past that a lot of what he has to say is very valuble, but more importantly he offers some really fantastic yoga/meditation practices he offers. Unfortunately they all both cost a good bit of money, like $300 I think, and a bit of time investment to learn and do some the practices, their most common one takes about 21 or 40 minutes once or twice a day depending on if you include some preparatory things in your practice. But when you learn them it’s obvious theirs a certain level of sophistication and depth to the practice you are learning which you might be hard pressed to doing elsewhere, especially free, and I’ve found the two practices I’ve been doing are having more of a tangible positive effect and faster than anything else I’ve done, it’s been very amazing to watch, it’s been essential in some of the recent things I’ve been dealing with. If you’re not about that, it’s worthwhile to do your own personal explorations of this stuff, it’s actually called yoga, before yoga got kind of distorted in the west: pranayama, meditation techniques, mantras, etc. Aum chanting is a fantastic one, just opening your mouth into an “Ah”, closing it slowly through “oo” to “m”, with the three portions approximately equal. But the most important thing is choose something and do it daily, if that means starting with 5 minutes a day that’s totally fine, ideally build up from there. You some months in the future will be so glad you did, trust me. I really think we should be teaching yoga and meditation techniques to our populace in school, it’s such valuble and powerful stuff yet totally underappreciated and underutilized in our society. The only thing I’d caution against is mindfulness, as it’s basically a practice where you’re supposed to increase your general mental awareness and let your mind run free for some time and that can often be problematic for people with lots of trauma.
@@cynthiaopsahl3422 makes perfect sense and I can relate so hard! well said! more power to use this year onwards :')
You spent 30 minutes recording this and helped a million people over the world make sense of the terrible confusing state theyre in. Thank you. Ill always remember this video.
100% agreed. Same.
Same
Yeah the Nevada state is awful
Truly
Just because he has a million views doesn't mean he's helped a million people. Just because someone watches a video doesn't mean they agree with it. Lying to someone, even to make them feel better or good, is still unhealthy and manipulative.
This resonated so deeply. People who don't know how to grieve after being traumatized end up being the ones who traumatize others the same way as they were traumatized.
🤯😣
Yep
I feel this to be true
golden comment
Well spoken!
I didn't even watch the whole thing and I had to comment; the way you said "parents love it when their children get traumatized", it just hit home for me. I grew up around people(family and extended family) who are emotionally stunted. The only expressions I have seen, were anger, and avoidance of complex conversations. I saw fear mongering and gossip everyday. This led me to believe that "good" children don't talk, are extremely obedient and don't ask for things, they don't have opinions. It led me to make myself smaller, more invisible and dim myself to make others feel brighter. And I did it for years and years, and it reached a breaking point. Anyway, I think it'll be a huge essay if I add every detail, but to conclude, I am 29 now, and for the first time in my life, I am living as me. It feels so different, overwhelming even, but so freeing. I am never, ever dimming myself to accommodate others, ever again.
Holy shit, I realte to EVERY word you said. Crazy
Getting away from everyone and exploring yourself and who you are is one of the most enlightening things you can do. I'm there again now living abroad for the last 6 years...barely have any friends but I'm clearer and happier than ever. Throughout my life I've known both sides, at times very socially active... in many different types of relationships. But when I look back on my life the happiest times were when I was going solo and rooted deeply in myself...
I walked away from my parents and brother 20 years ago. They are all mean and bitter people. I had to break away to find out that I am not who they made me to believe who I was. Finding me is an on-going process. I'm a work in progress and I am getting there! I'm 60 now and I have not given up on myself. I will always be growing and that's a good thing!
I’m ditching a brother of mine too.
So very sorry. But understand completely. I have shunned all my family and so called friends. Friends were as srlf centered and selfish as the family. All used me and when I said enough to all of em, THEY ALL GOT MAD AND CALLED ME OUT OF CONTROL CAUSE THEY COULD NOT LIE OR MANIPULATE ME ANYMORE. ...... 🙏
@@spookems8 good job
Respect for you keep going
Proud of you. Wishing you the very best❤❤❤
I know these issues are much deeper, but to shut down someone's nature brings this to mind... have you ever seen someone make fun of another person's laugh? And then you watch their smile fade as they become self conscious of how they express their happiness? That is absolutely heartbreaking to me. I don't care if it happens to me, I can tell someone to screw off. But when you see it happen to someone else and watch how it crushes their spirit, I feel so bad. I can't stand people that attack others like that.
That shit happened to me because od my lisp. I would change my vocabulary just to avoid sounding out the th and s sounds, and of course sometimes it was unavoidable. It hurt when people made fun of my lisp.
I feel so trapped like I can never express myself truly around a lot of my friends and I think this has a lot to do with it
I feel the same. I am not religious but for me, a happy natural laugh is something sacred. We are so small and vulnerable in this world, and still sometimes we laugh, happily like there are no worries at all. To make fun of or mock those moments is like striking a dagger straight in other persons heart. It really hurts me every time somebody does that to another person.
@@chriscams9303 aww I feel you! Igave myself speech therapy to get rid of the dreaded lisp around 6th grade (forCee mySelf to match my teeth up for SSSSSS. unnatural feeling lol) Still lisp if I'm stoned lol get too relaxed and become normal again.
@@churnetvalleyrunner3635 I watch my brother do the same thing to his girl everyday literally call the baby mother a nut Infront or the kids
There's no avoiding trauma, regardless of what people pretend. There's only getting through it. I live a life of no regrets. Learn to enjoy being a target. Make the best from the worst.
Agree. They have been 'character building' experiences.
Good points.
Thank you SO much for touching on the part where adults notice a change in children, but don’t do anything because they’re happy to just “get a break” and have the kid “calm down”. Adults teach us to walk and talk and then force us to sit down and shut up.
We who have children... listen and think deeply on this. We need to be the one to break the cycle. Don't ignore it, if you know you're the parent doing this to your children. BREAK. THE. CYCLE.
I did. My step father beat me mercilessly. Today, he would have been arrested. In the 1960s, nope. I never hit my children. I never brow beat them or verbally abused them . I remembered how it felt. I loved my children. Love does not abuse...in any way. My children are grown now. They are wonderful people. They had the freedom to choose to be themselves without the terror I grew up with. I broke that mold in our family
@@SteveAubrey1762 You're incredibly strong, kudos!
People must see it before they can break it!!! Don’t we all feel our family was the norm? 🤦♀️😂 I did!
@@SteveAubrey1762 you are commendable my friend, really well done and enjoy your crops
I like the new Daniel, thanks!
"Sometimes parents like it when their children are traumatized" this made me physically recoil, for how true it is. Ironically, my parents started disliking my traumatized self as well, because I wasn't behaving like a healthy, normal child and teen would. I was well behaved to the point they had to be borderline psychotic to find faults in me and accuse me of plotting for their downfall.
I understand. Unfortunately, I do.
Same but with my dad only.
@@Travis_Trauma with my brother only whom i sadly live with in the same house
Traumatized probably isn’t the best but not trying to remove every situation where your child might be stressed or pushed to a limit has benefits so they know the feeling and how to use the tools they’ve developed to navigate to a better situation is beneficial, to me.
@@boonedocksfl2012 I think they’re talking about when the parent is just a straight up piece of shit.
I had to reach my 70s before I found myself again. The process was long, slow, and painful. My trauma also started in childhood, and for the same reasons as Daniel explains in his video. He even mentions his parents saying what happened to the old Daniel. I myself had to hear 'you were such a little dove, what happened.' My answer was 'how could I be a dove in this house.' Hats off to you, Daniel! ❤❤❤
Blessings for you on the rest of your life journey
Your 70s? You too, huh? (Well, my late 60s.) Most of my problems came from so-called "friends." I walked away from the whole world (except for family). I no longer have any "friends", and I DON'T WANT any.
You had to be a 'dove' because god forbid you were who you really were to your parents.
Thank you for sharing. I am 50 and just starting this journey. Wasn’t sure if it was too late for me. I needed your comment! ❤
@@willrivers1819Because it is in person’s DNA 🧬. Narcissistic personality is never going to leave Humanity. The good news is that now you don’t have to wait until you’re 70 to recognize it when you see it or are its victim. You can understand earlier that the “problem” is not you necessarily. It doesn’t solve the problem but at least you know what “hit you”.
Love how this explains my ex perfectly, me trying to put up boundaries and help her but she just violated me time after time with no care for respecting me as a person
I wish psychologists would start referring to this as 'conditioned helplessness' rather than 'learned helplessness', which carries a different connotation and can also seem pejorative. 'Conditioned' helplessness puts immediate emphasis on the fact that the sensibility developed unconsciously over time, by repeated and consistent false or misleading feedback. To many people, terminology like 'learned helplessness' resonates closely with the idea of learning to perform helplessness for its social and logistical advantages, which is a very different phenomenon than what's actually being described by the phrase. "Conditioned helplessness" decreases the odds that these two very different scenarios will be conflated.
damn, you got hella good writing :o and that's a crazy niche point you brought up that got me wondering, how tf did they think of that?
Never heard these concepts be articulated so well, nice job
I agree
It also implies that it is someting you can easely unlearn. The idea is that if you can understand that your behavior follows a pattern of learned helplessness, that that insight should immediately dissolve the negative pattern by recognizing it as such. And that is simply not realistic. It is also not enough to simply destroy negative behavioral pattern you also need to replace them with positive and or socially accepted patterns. And for that you are also dependant on a certain kind of useful feedback from people. the way that society works that not gonna happen usually because society is competition for a limited amount of good spaces. a sort of perpetual war of all against all. so if people see you as a potential rival and see some kind of weakness they will go for the kill and make a good efford to get any notions of ideas above your standing out of your head whenever they get the chance.
Good idea your right
It's so sad that the majority of the world cannot self reflect.
Most would say that about the majority. Ironic.
@@musicandlaughter_ it's true that the majority can never do sh*t so I have to agree with the first statement
not can't but rather won't - why? because it takes effort, it takes work, it's inconvenient, it's not fun, it's not glamorous and so on
I could relate 100% to what was just discussed. I had a very similar experience and for self-preservation, I have mastered numbing myself & distancing too far to be reached by anything unpleasant. Numbing myself works every single time. I became emotionally indestructible. I am a product of my past and I have learned my lesson too well. My father once said to me that I was sick and I responded that I have learned from the best.
It's incredibly sad when parents or family messes with a child's head. When they laugh at their pain or downplay emotions. Make them feel worthless. It's even sadder when some of these children grow up and do the same things to others. When you realize how deep and f***ed up the trauma goes. How far back. So sad
Have 20 kids in my neighborhood. Lost them all to the drug dealer pimp. 9 year Olds talking about sex. Split personality. One for the parents. One for the streets. Sad. Not one parent wanted to say anything because of retaliation. It broke my heart. Broke the kids mind. 😢
I was raised by two narcissists and then married one .....I think I will have this video played for my eulogy .....you could not be more right!!!Thank You
Yep, me too!
@@andrewhaywood3853 ditto
Are you still in that marriage?
I’ve gotten away from mine fairly quickly though.
WoW....I am so sorry. I hope you are getting yourself where you want to be mentally and emotionally. You've endured A LOT!!!
One thing I find truly amazing is how as we age the memories come back to us; it's almost as if our bodies reveal these memories only after we have grown into wellness, so we are not overwhelmed and we can integrate them in healthy ways.
That's the healthy way. But as most people age they keep them repressed, drink them away, or take them out on their kids and pass on the abuse.
100% the human mind is incredible. It will keep the trauma unconscious as a survival mechanism. As a young child you must see your parents as perfect and right because you rely on them for survival. The child will see everything as their fault so as to create a sense of being in control. "If only I was like x, then that wouldn't have happened", "I deserve it, "I'm broken" etc. Of course once we are an adult and can care for ourselves, those memories and introjects (internalized voice of the abuser) will break through into our subconscious and conscious minds. MDMA is an incredible tool for this process because it allows memories and feelings to arise from the unconscious but in a way that can be physically processed in the body.
Beautifully said
@@anthonyiacobucci3652 That or break down / burn out when all of it becomes too much to handle
@@chengiggler Loved everything you said UNTIL you mentioned mdma 😬 People have died from that
This man described my life up until now with such an accuracy! 😢
Same :(
Okay, well, this is my story. This is what happened to me. Family trauma, rejection, made to develop a false self, emotional abuse, etc. Grief, growing my true self, attempting to confront my abusers, unsuccessful, having to divorce my family and church to save myself. Becoming a whole person only after finally breaking away entirely from my family and denomination. So many people disagreed and blamed me for rescuing myself by divorcing them. This talk helps me more than anything my many therapists said to me. I finally had to say (to myself, my critics) “No, I don’t have to keep on trying to reconcile with them. They are beyond help. They are just bad people, very bad.” Since I did that my life has been so much better.
Could have written the same experience. It will get better. 💜
Wow, I’ve never heard such a detailed description of the damage trauma causes
Julian I Oh yes, I’ve been using his fortress mental health system and it’s been working great 😉
@@Sketch_Sesh great! :D same
Julian I Awesome my friend 👍
Narc some day your victim may be stalking your sorry ****. Not all gets forgiven, some should not get in my sight. They may get the bad reaction they deserve. Especially if you act like my 6th grade teacher you will lose.
Yeah and it only takes a real experience to do that, not any psychological degree.
Finally a therapist that actually sais that you dont need therapy to heal, the body knows how to heal. Thank you very much for this!
Having a real connection to another healthy human being helps, but there is no guarantee a therapist would be one.
A therapist with this kind of understanding, will also help ☺️💖✨👍
I love this so much. Every word resonated with me. New follower here. Amazing video 😊
@@alexxx4434 Therapy as an occupation is a joke. I'm not paying money for someone to talk to me. It's the same with prostitution. I'm not paying money to receive affection. It's degrading.
@@williamlevy6964 interesting. You’re absolutely right.
Starting my first day as a teacher today working with traumatized students. They have emotional disabilities and have been through experiences in their short lives worse than I have ever had in my life. Thank you for helping me get more of an understanding of how trauma effects individuals.
We all appreciate you for taking the time to learn all you can for the children! Best of luck.
Bless you for doing this important work!
I'd nominate you for sainthood if I could. ❤
I pray the Universe blesses you for your wonderful, kind work! Thank you for shining on them 🩵
I've been to several "therapists" who say grieving over my trauma is taking a victimstance. Trauma remains and, almost 50 years later, I'm still shut down and have no clue who I really am. Still searching, but hopeless.
Victimhood is using your grievance as a status display in order to get something from others - meaning that you are more entitled, from a moralistic view point. Victim mentality on the other hand is a hindrance for your own growth - and that includes not being able to grieve... Grievance has absolutely nothing to do with victimhood or victim mentality. Grievance is part of what makes us humans - and it is something personal - not something I can tell you what you should or shouldn't grieve over... If you're unsure who you are, I'm pretty sure you're the one in defiance to whatever your therapists have told you. Doubting yourself in this, I think is a survival mechanic. Survival mechanics are good when they help you survive, but it seems this is not working for you at the moment. In this case, do you need to respect your elders (authority) - or do you need help? You might need to respect authority in order to get help, but that is secondary, isn't it? Authority does not know your needs or how you feel... To be honest, I bet your therapists are eager to get home and watch Game of Thrones. Before, people became therapists to help people out of necessity, because they felt bad for other people - today many become therapists because they find psychology interesting, so they will become an interesting person to others by becoming a psychologist...
Have therapy or do meditation, you will find ur real self, Hypnotherapy also helps alot
We're getting to the bottom of why the world is so freaking screwed up!
the real explanation is neurotypicals' weakness for psychopaths. they love playing games and then are played by the devil
@@TheFpskiller That too.
@@guesswhosbackg6616 And their parents that raised them and so on and so on and so on.
@@guesswhosbackg6616 unfortunately most tend to overlook how society and culture has a major influence on adults raising children, somthing to really worth looking at and questioning, especially in today's times.
@@guesswhosbackg6616 yup, parents, who got it from their parents, who got it from their parents, etc, etc, and so on.
Initially, I grieved for the loss of family relationships, even though they were toxic. It has taken five years to fully let go of the bewilderment, confusion, and melancholy which I felt. These days, I simply reflect on that time, pleased that I have moved on with the help of practical tools from different philosophies - Stoicism, Taoism. For everyone on the journey, there really is light at the end of the tunnel.
Well done - it's not at all easy x
Good for you. It is hard xo
abandon everything which does not belong to you
I find stoicism depressing, its close to Christianity, seeking Jesus helped more for me
👏🏽💯🔥‼️
by the end of this video my phone was an inch from my nose. I'd felt like i was "losing myself" recently, isolating myself and feeling sad. having heard your experience i can see i am really losing the fake self I'd built up; creating that space around me to expand. gonna see it through this time. thank you
the people that say they want what’s best for us are often the ones that don’t wanna get left behind by us
Not always so, the ones that let you go love you more than themselves. They set you free
I recall begging my ex not to destroy the fiery nature of our first born, a daughter, when she acted like any other 2 yr old. I explained to him, "that is who she is". Unbelievably he took it to heart.
Glad to hear!
I came from a dysfunctional family and then I got bullied in school for a while and I can definitely see where I was shut down from being my authentic self. I still struggle to this day.
Same and I’m 29. Whenever I see my narcissistic dad it’s “what job are you in now, oh, you’ve not been promoted?” Rather than “are you happy?, how are you?, I care about your creativity”
same and im 19. My mom was the narcissist, she used to tell me i would never amount to anything and she told me she signed me up for low income housing when i got older
Coming from a verbally abusive alcoholic family, I couldn't be myself ever. I took this into abusive adult relationships and felt continually beat down for being myself. Eventually I put up a huge wall to keep people out. I was then accused of being arrogant and unapproachable..
Same happened to me, I’m changing it through god though. ❤️✝️
Bullying is disgusting. I can't get over the fact that some people, instead of working on themselves, thinking their thoughts through, reflecting, just make someone even more vulnerable their punching bag. Recovering from bullying and other types of verbal abuse is difficult, but i have faith in you. You're already doing so much to improve yourself, to make yourself a better person. You can do this. If the words of this random stranger mean anything to you. I wish you success with your recovery, and to be surrounded by kind and caring people
the bit about a broken child being easier to control made me realize that my folks (mainly one of them who's incredibly narcissistic), were always nice when we were "docile' or "broken in." but when they realized we weren't, they would make it happen by any emotionally destructive means possible
Exactly. I clearly recall as a kid growing up my mother being quite nice and buying us wonderful toys and clothes after she beat us into a trans like, submissive state and after a while I guess we'd begin to wake into a natural child like state again, the cycle would repeat it, until as we become teenagers we stayed in those states for longer to avoid contact with her as humanly possible. I continue that zombie state around her now but I have much clearer boundaries. I was in my 20 yr marriage as well. It was always his way or the highway sort of mentality.
Even in households without narcissism, most parents love easy parenting, meaning - less work for them but at the expense of the childs needs. Sure those parents take care of the bare minimum, the housing and food but emotional and mental well being, the quality time? Too tired, too busy, here's an iPad, here's a video game, here's a pizza, here's a movie, sign you up for another after school class? Basically anything other then the actual parents spending time helping their child emotionally and mentally develop over the years.
Many grew up without emotional and mental love. They had material security but not love. They are trying to understand what they lost and now what they need to be whole. Salute to you in your journey!
I was traumatized many times as a child. And it made me a very angry person. I used to never cry and often reacted in anger. I was always running away and getting arrested for one thing or another. Then when my dad died, I grieved like I never had before. My dad was a very nice person. I decided after that that I wanted to be a person like my dad. A person that helped people. And now I’m a pretty big cryer. I cry for other people and animals more than myself. I just wish I could help more.
❤😢 God bless u...
Im sure you do help a lot :) its nice to read you, thanks for sharing
You just explained my childhood & early twenties. Then I had two daughters with a narcissist that punished me by withholding money and emotional & physical affection. I left him when my youngest daughter was a week from turning 2. My oldest daughter at right before age 5. That's when the Parental Alienation & psychological abuse REALLY began!! You can never discard a narcissist and not get hurt terribly. They'll use your kids (THEIR KIDS) as collateral damage bc that's THE ONLY thing left that will really kill you. My daughters are grown now and they're damaged & I can't help but blame myself. Maybe if I had stayed, I could've saved my girls from trauma from being away from me bc he was awarded joint custody bc he came from a family of means. It's been an awful 17 1/2 years to say the least. 😢 I'm finally in a very healthy, loving relationship with a wonderful man that came from an abuser be home and then married a narcissist himself bc she got pregnant on purpose. She discarded him two and a half years ago and their one child has no contact with her Mom bc she cheated, as most narcissists do. I just got back into Trauma & Grief therapy and support groups bc I realize I'm broken. Progress not Perfection.
@@gypsyfiresign1064 same here! Almost identical. Guys we are not THAT alone ❤️
Be very careful, let yourself heal. You will know when this is complete. You will know because you remember who you are. Then you may help others if you wish.
My mom always asked me what happened to her son referring to my cheerful outgoing 7 year old self and I always felt confused why she asked that so often. Slowly remembering all the trauma she caused me to become distant and callus to her I understand why she asked that. I know she felt guilty, and I wanted to love her, but her “ I’m sorry” did nothing for me at that point.
Same here. She said, "You know, I'm sorry as I can be." She's only sorry that I grew up into someone who isn't a helpless defenseless child that she can manipulate and abuse.
Same. My dad would ask why I wasn’t the adoring, happy child I used to be. Uh maybe bc your anger was the flip of a switch and I never knew which side of you I’d get
Amen. 🙏🏼♥️🕊Trauma since 6 years old. I’ve become resilient and cut people from my life, but I’m still fighting to get ‘me’ back.
I never cried when my mother died... eventually I realized she meant little to me. She always wished that I had never been born, cautioned me to NEVER have kids (which I didn't), and while she was able to financially, she never gave me even the most basic things I begged her for... so how could I grieve her when she died? She failed at every single opportunity to show me any semblance of love from age 5 to age 40. Still... I was very surprised that when she died, for days, and then months, and as years passed, I never shed one single tear but always hoped it would one day come. And of course, I've always been envious of people who grieve and mourn the death of their mothers or fathers. I would never know what that felt like. You can't mourn the loss of a love that never was. I was always left alone while they were getting drunk at the bar every night. All we had was an empty house in a pre-EPA LA suburb where my lungs ached and my eyes bled from the pollution... we just had a TV set with 5 channels... anything I loved she got rid of... the piano, books, records, pets... etc. She never asked how I was, what I was studying in school... she always mocked my good grades, laughed hysterically when I told her I wanted to be a doctor... etc... she could have written a book called "How to Destroy your Child." I tried suicide twice but it didn't work. Who could cry when someone like that dies?
@@kinky_Z I indeed believe that you can mourn love that never happened, because everybody - no matter who, needs love to develop and function properly. I myself regard this situation of recovering from lack of parental care as mourning for them (or rather their role which they didn't fulfill) and burying them while they still are alive. They never fulfilled their role, so why to cry after their death when they already aren't doing their job? I don't mean to blame them for everything - I figured out reasons why my parents are like this but I also believe that these reasons don't relieve them from their responsibilities. I hope my comment will somehow be useful for you, though it may sound a bit chaotic - english isn't my first language ;) Take care!
This is the best video I've seen about my abused childhood. I was " Cinderfeller". But I became an excellent professional musician. It took for my parents and brothers to get old for me to see how pathetic they all were.. I never felt loved. They all beat me and humiliated me until I became a " Star ". Thanks for this video Daniel. I truly identify with you.
When you stated that the personal inner growth is a Guerilla Warfare you made me feel completely understood. I’ve been betrayed by family my entire life .I was so bright. Now it’s all strategic boundaries. “You can look but you cannot touch. Ain’t it pretty?”
"The world likes people better shut down then grieving". Powerful words, thank you for your message 🙏
Yeah -- I think a huge part of the healing, of triggering in you the beginnings of a complete return of your true self, is absolutely creativity. When you learn how to give yourself the space for all of the wistfulness, imagination, weirdness, and whimsy of your own creativity, you start to learn how to treat yourself better and how to give yourself the space to also be yourself. Then you start allowing yourself to feel your true feelings, come out of your shell with your true personality, have spirits and energy that are beautiful and high. And once you can somehow find a way to make the space for yourself unequivocally in that creative space no matter what or who else also gives that space to you or wants you to have creativity going on, you slowly start to learn how to be yourself, even to the very people who hurt you so deeply for doing so. But it hurts less. It makes sense why there is so much healing in the whole of the arts and creativity, but the key is where it taps into this true change, of an internal sense of freedom to be yourself. ♡ (Good luck on the journey ahead. :))
still its first world problems. but I do love the knowledge
@@TubeMeisterJC oh now, go and blow it out of your emotional and compassionate heart 😉😄 I'm kidding with no ill intent. I hope it translates, but probably won't. That's one of the sad things about the internet. Joking and tongue in cheek comments are very hard to convey or understand.
Perfect description of the effects of trauma. I remember the exact moment i had to shutdown parts of me. Many years i spent not knowing if my thoughts, actions or, heaven forbid< feelings would be accepted or punished.
When someone says to you: "I miss the old you", you know you are on the right track!
Thank you. This relationship between trauma and grief makes so much sense.
I didn't get that insight and catharsis until I was over 70, but I am so happy that I have lived long enough to be freed of the trauma-forged manacles. Thanks for the affirmation!
Very few men have this level of emotional integrity. By emotional integrity, I mean the ability to see crying as good and rejuvenating. WOW Dr. Daniel! Amazing!!
What a ridiculous statement. There are is an equal proportion of emotionally immature woman.
Maybe because, as explained in this video, they are trained at an early age to avoid these qualities.
The trauma of knowing you don't have anyone who will meet your needs definitely changes a person completely. You don't have the luxury of existing how you'd like to when you're constantly concentrating in survival mode.
Sarah , yes
Oh Daniel...this is what I endured for over 50 years. It took my life. It took everything. It was the pain I could not speak about, the deep anguish, the deep fear, this discombobulation, this fracturing of my psyche and my health. I still have so much grief and anger. I was their only child and as the decades went on, I fell out of love with them. Thank you for your message. I send you prayers for continued healing and blessings for your healing of others. Om shanthi.
Oved 50 years ?!? That's too much, very very long time. What on earth 😮
trauma has changed me so much i was such a sweet, cheerful girl but I only shined so bright because I was abused during the time and wanted everyone to be happy - they were a family member and being hit without being able to hit back was the normal. but one day I told someone that they put a knife to my head to threaten me and the person told me I should call the police. I should’ve called the police so many times but I’ve experienced them so much and they never helped when my parent and step parent were fighting, they never broke up and it only continued so I thought I was hopeless. I began self harm at 13 then that turned into anger/constant numbness. I was pretty much neglected because all of my problems were ignored as a child to the point where I didn’t even get the chance to finish school. I wasn’t taught how to drive. Everything that was supposed to be given to me was up me to get. I’m a good person on the surface and treat others kindly but when It comes to connecting with others that’s a struggle to do. I don’t know how to communicate with others but I try to help them.
hello, I am deeply touched by how deeply you have suffered and your resilience gave me an awe, i don't know what kind of encouragement or any words that i could give to you, because no one knows what it takes to be you, one thing for sure, thank you for being alive, till this day, honestly, thank you for everything that you have been through, for not ending it all, that's it, that's all I wanna say, i hope you can heal from things that you don't talk about, and i hope you slept well every night dear stranger! i know you're tired of hearing "you're strong" so how about Thank you for enduring such pain! for being strong❤
@@blushbb. Could you please explain what steps you ve taken.
I love the 'new Daniel'. I hope he stays with us for years to come!
What was the old daniel?
"Breaking through the wall of silence" is a very powerful way to describe how it feels to process trauma. Trauma can never be undone. We can never go back to who we were before the damage was done. But we can become something new - something that is fully completely alive, in its own new way.
"Go back to who we were before " for many of us there is no "who we were before " the trauma started from birth . I will never be a ble to be Me because simply there s no "me " I didn't develop it , I wasn't aloud .
I very much like how you worded your message..🌻
@@newanas5271 you can create a new you. Find what you like, what you genuinely enjoy, regardless of what anyone else says. What are the values you believe in, the personality traits that feel right, the preferences, the interests, the activities you enjoy. It can be a painful, emotional process to investigate and discover those things later in life, but it’s never too late 💜
@@newanas5271 I feel the same. I have very few memories of my childhood. Whatever went wrong in my life, went wrong at a very early age. From my present perspective, my demons have been here as long as I have. I can't imagine existence without them. Perhaps this is why I chose to focus on creating something new. There is no "healing" for some of us. We ARE our wounds. But we don't need to be imprisoned by that. We can become the person we choose to become. I know that my demons are very powerful. If they are a part of me, then I will use their power to create something true and beautiful.
@@helenaquin1797 Thank you. I'm glad it resonated with you. Be well.
The trauma part resonated with me be because my parents were happy the way I was. They wanted me to be quiet they felt happy and proud. I just hated that. I always did. Deep down I was drowning in anxiety.
GRIEF has changed my life DRAMATICALLY. seeing that person pass in front of my eyes threw me over the edge. i have not been the same person. i try 😢. that person i was died as well. it’s awful
Let a new you shine
I hated myself for a long time because of my childhood and eventually I sat myself down and had a talk with myself about my feelings. I forgave myself for hating me. I talked with myself for like an hour and then went to bed. That was almost a year ago and I’ve never had a single bad thought about myself since. I don’t mean to think I’m perfect but I don’t self loathe anymore. It took me 8 years to figure out that forgiving myself was the key
💟🌟
I don't know that I feel ready to do that but I'll keep your words in mind, thank you.
I'm getting there!
i agree that "accepting yourself" and to stop "hating or loathing yourself" is an important step to healing, and toward loving yourself. thank you for sharing. keep progressing toward "learning to love yourself."
I can not forgive myself for all the things i did out of desperation / insecurity trough out the years.. I have been so strong in many ways but also weak in others, but i can never forgive myself for not being able to forgive myself :(
This is the best explanation of what happens to abused and traumatized children by their parent/s I've ever heard, and what I'm currently going through at age 55. I've heard so many channels talk about learned helplessness but none have explained it in a way I can understand. You're what I'd describe as an excellent teacher!
Thank you!
This video got recomended to me over 4 times and i always ignored, when i watched it out of curiosity and insistence i realize that it was meant for me, it's what I'm actually struggling with right now
The algorithm loves me more than my mother.
I’m so tired of feeling guilty about not coming over for the holidays. Spending them with just my husband during Covid were the best holidays I’ve ever had. I couldn’t believe how much happier I felt; I didn’t have to mentally check out from all the family betrayals.
My mother once told my older brother, "I just don't know what to do or say to Pauline. Everything I do or say is wrong." This, after years of therapy and undoing the trauma I experienced as a little child living in my parent's home. My response: "No mom. It's that I no longer allow myself to be shut down that way anymore. I am becoming the me that I always was and you aren't liking that I am slipping out of your controlling box." I agree with everything you said in this video.
Props to you pauline its so hard setting boundaries ! Especially confusing when the toxicity is coming from your own mom! The one who's supposed to support and luv u the most.. Sumtimes it DOES help admitting nobodys perfect EVEN HER.EVEN THO SHE ACTS AS if she is. Maybe shes GIVING ALL her mom has given her? Its our job to break the cycle so ur veru brave i too plan this.. thanks for the encouragement... ☆☆▪︎▪︎ Xoxoxo.. ✨️💫✨️💫✨️💫💫💫
That's a good one, good for you! My mom took my grandmother in when her husband passed and she's been pulling this with all her siblings for at least a decade now. Being around to know the hypocrisy in the complaint has been a frustrating home-life to have very little say in. The phrase "It's all in your head" finally made my mom snap into not caring anymore a couple years ago and after switching her attention to demanding more help with taking Gma to doctor appointments and stuff it's finally turned into "I don't know how you live with her." It's still a hellish household for us all but many of my mother's stress-related ailments have alleviated since the snap and the moments where she is able to calmly explain a "No" instead of lashing out or storming away are such cool little wins to witness.
My mom feels the same way. I start using my own brain.
"The private world" analogy hits home for me. I had so much energy as a kid that I could create multiple worlds and even live there in my head and others were jealous. Even now I don't have any friends, but I honestly don't care. My dreams and day dreams will keep me entertained for the rest of my days. You are forced to develop your imagination and that was my 'key' out. And it still is today.
Same. My imagination has always sustained me and kept me going. Though, I don't want to be a slave to my self-made escapism. It does always feel like a "key" out and probably always will be for me, too, but I know I need balance and it would be tragic to not seek out the things I know I need in life (like meaningful companionship for example.) Either way, I'm glad I have the "private world" - it's pretty reliable!
Delusion is not cure to trauma it’s a way to only deepen it
I can somehow relate to the inner world,shit I used to daydream for hours about what pissed me off It’s only after so many years that i realized that there’s one truth that i chose to ignore regularly despite being in-front my eyes ,, it took a bad turn when I indulged in my delusions without even realizing it!! Avoidance behavior was what fueled my daydreaming skills day by day , with drugs being introduced into the “inner world” equation, i was left with psychosis , ironically positive delusions, it helped w/ anxiety and depression but my entitlement was something I wouldn’t talk about it back in the days Carful it’s a thought loop not a mental “prison” , i hope i break the chains of my -ve thoughts
Time eventually cures ALL ills. So use it efficiently or don't, it's up to you. Nobody cares and that's NOT a bad thing.
Daydreaming is something many people do to suppress the reality and to not live your life to the fullest is the consequence of it
Thank you and congratulations on your progress of becoming more of your true self. To me grieving is like throwing up the food poisoning that you were fed all your life. Grieving externalizes the pain, confusion and lies that were hiding in your soul and driving your life, and makes room for the real self to emerge. Grieving is powerful and life changing!
I didn’t start healing and paving the true way for myself until I was 31. I’m 33 now, happily married and loving myself more than I ever have before. I hope everyone becomes more genuine within themselves, ☮️&🖤 y’all.
Damn it only took you 2 years? I'm 5 years in and I actually feel like I've gone backwards lol
Growing up in an environment of passive-aggressive abuse scarred me deeply. I couldn’t feel my feelings and accept their validity. My experience with psychiatry and conventional therapy was a nightmare. I finally reached a point where I felt ready to ignore the faulty advice of others and look for the pain within. Grieving has been my healing. Unraveling the stuck trauma by feeling my body and my still center within the pain. It’s an emotional alchemy no one can do for me but me.
“Emotional alchemy”; I love that. 😌
Right on brother. Same thing with me. Did it all myself. Used journaling and depression doesn’t exist for me for decades. My children haven’t a clue what depression is.
“Ignore the faulty advice of others”. I stopped all counseling and ceased discussing my issues with friends, many who would unwittingly re-traumatize by failing to ask a single question before giving some cliched comment, “we all have problems,”, “just let go and stop dwelling on the past”, “I’ll pray for you”. Only in complete isolation could I begin the healing process. Thanks for your insightful words. 😀
what practises did you do to reconnect with your body and get into your body? I am so ungrounded and disconnected from myself … so much so i’ve lost a sense of what i want and who i am…
@@DannyWJaco 👏👏👏👏 Yep, so many are dismissive of valid feelings and just end up doing more damage
"You're so mature for your age. You're such a smart kid." I wasn't either of those things. I was completely broken. I have DiD. My spirit was shattered into a million pieces since I was born, it feels like. I never got to live a childhood, I was kept inside for years and I barely got to do anything with my life. When I was allowed to go to school (I only went for around ~7 years in total?) the quote I stated earlier were words I was told a lot. It confused me. Because by then, I had already known that I was broken, my self awareness was high. And yet, I was praised for it? For being mute unless spoken to? For obediently doing my schoolwork instead of having a spirit? Now, I have realized that authority wants you to break. There is no good authority, because the existence of authority fundamentally implies that humans are not equal. All authority is built on oppression of individuals.
Kind of lived the same life. I had really strict parents that set a lot of boundaries for me. At 6 I was made to do chores every damn day from morning to after school to nights, and even take care of the animals. I was kept inside all day, and had to ask if I could go play outside, most times it would be a no. Wasn't allowed to the park or go visit for friends. My parents would barely take me anywhere. I had no means of communication or to socialize. Even at school I thought kids lived the same life as mine until I realized that their life had much more freedom than mine did. At school I was struggling just to be me or be spirited. My parents had a really strict mindset. Wasn't allowed on electronics only on Friday and Saturday. During my childhood I was very imaginative because I would play by myself. Even talk to myself. Because I had no one to socialize with or play with. I know that my parents were struggling with their emotions and all that. Sometimes I would really want to stay at school and live there, because I was scared of my parents. They were so mean and they didn't try to talk to me in a calm way. I'm still struggling with my past, I'm now 23. I ran away at 16 to another province where they wouldn't find me. I sometimes wish I could tell them how I felt as a child and how it affected me throughout life and till now. But of course they won't listen and always have something "better" to say or they live a much harder life than you.
Finally someone who understands, it was like balm to a wound reading your take on "authority" and it is the absolute truth. You should however try to acknowledge that your being broken has lead to a much higher level of awareness, that is how it usually works. And for.. dimmer-lit people let's say, that hightened awareness equals to being "smart". They will never know unless they somehow live it it themselves.
You are so lucky to be able to connect with people that allow you to be yourself.
What started my healing process was when I moved far away from my parents. I didn't even know that I was traumatized untill then. I knew that I had no personality and didn't know how to express boundaries towards my parents. Now I know it's because of them not accepting me for having a personality and boundaries. I was a zombie as kid, who never said a word. Even with my movements I had to be careful, because if I opened the wrong drawer to take a spoon, I would be yelled at
Exactly same here.
Yeah, it's like trying to to "read" the parents mood, to guess if you can say or do something now, or if it would cause drama, reproach and aggression and you are better off being silent
Can relate…
Spot on. Kind of recently, my sister moved out, she was talking with me and both of us kind of came to this conclusion. Can't make the wrong move, or else they'll disect every move you make. "That's not like you". "Oh, that's normal for him, he's the quiet one." A lot of what they wanted me to become was good (and I'm grateful I did become that), but so much of who I was needed to be repressed to fit that image. I recognize that moving out from a situation like this important. But it's hard to create the distance needed, and with the cost of living so high these days, I'm always making excuses for why I haven't left yet. They're not terrible people. My parents are mostly kind and well intentioned. They just don't allow me to grow. Not sure when I'll make the move out. The world is so big and unpredictable, and I don't even know who I am or what I want in life. Even if I move out, I have no idea where to, and how to keep myself from self isolating. That's just all I know and it's emotionally crippling to branch out. Anyway, this was a really well put together video. I felt like your comment resonated with me, at least a little.
@@runesr4nerds277 we’re on the same ship partner
I could probably count on one hand the number of times I cried between the ages of 13 and 42. Then I started my healing journey. So much crying. I’ve probably averaged a cry a day since then. Some as short as a few seconds, and as long as 30 minutes. Sometimes several times a day. Which sounds awful like I’m in a deep depression but it’s very healing crying. Well over 90% of the time it’s tears of joy. Just last night I was crying because I made a request of a friend, how she was interacting with me. She validated my request and accommodated it! I felt so grateful to feel worth accommodating, like I have value and it’s ok to have needs. My personality has completely changed. I changed so much over the pandemic that when I went back to the office after 2+ years of the pandemic that my coworkers still don’t seem to recognize it. They’re waiting for the other shoe to drop and for me to go back to my old toxic self. That guy is gone and he’s never coming back.
I like your explanation of how this crying is different from depression. I describe it as having a purity to it - it's proof to me in the very moment that I'm healing so I celebrate my tears.....and the gratitude you describe for a friend validating you - all the relatively small (but SO not small) ways we notice when someone respects us - the initial shock of it...and then the realization...oh this is what real friendship and love is....Anyway, happy for you. I am currently on the deep dive into the worst of the trauma and seeing the shifts too. It's worth the work. It's taken me most of my life to get here.
I went through many years of pain... the death of my Grandma, 3 serious relationships (one was a normal guy, 1 was a narcissist, one a psychopath), plenty of other trauma in-between including chronic sickness, and then being rejected by a long-term friend of 10 years who gave signals that he loved me so believed something could start up with us. I obviously suffered a lot through all of that and experienced times of extreme depression and sadness but still I struggled to actually cry, I struggled to express pain in the form of tears. Just after this I had a VERY short relationship with another narcissist and I'm telling you I spent 2 years crying buckets. It's not about him, but it's years of pain being opened up, there was a huge wound of grief inside of me from years of suffering. I could just sit and cry for hours and hours and I was so relieved because it was like grief was finally being released. It's like when you cry at a funeral of someone you don't know because it's easier to process somehow than the person you knew because that is too painful. That's how I feel it happened for me - I cried about the person I barely knew but it wasn't really about him, it was about everything else that came before it! But I feel great because I'm back in touch with my emotions.
Very happy for you in your healing journey🤍🙌
12:17 Wow. I used to feel guilty for having these little tiffs in my head when I felt wronged. Telling myself "I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and should just shrug it off." Without even realizing I'm just replaying what everyone else would do/say to me when I tried standing up for myself even a little bit. I cant even stand up for myself in my own mind without shutting myself down. Thank you for helping me remove this guilt.
I think I might write this tiffs in my diary. Then I unlocked a memory that I used to do that as a kid and the reason I stopped was because my mother would find my diary and then read them outloud or read infront of my family so they can further tell me how ungrateful and wrong I am.
Then I unlocked a further memory where the only other time I opened up about this (about a couple years ago) I told my "best friend" and roommate that she did this and my best friend called me "ungrateful" because she WISHES her mom cared enough about her to read her diary and I should feel "lucky." I have since locked that memory away until seeing this video and then having that reflection. I'm still unsure of what I should feel.
I started crying halfway through the video. So much abandonment and shutting down, again and again and again. I was never allowed to fully feel my feelings, I was never allowed to connect with others in my own unique ways. I lost so much but I can go back in time and hug myself, give myself the love and care I never got, I can still fight.
This is exactly what happened to me. I lost my true self because of repeated frequent consistent narcissistic emotional and physical violations. I can't get angry anymore or bond with people now. I usually only feel apathy and anxiety.
Hello me ..
Crushing violations...absolutely changes a person... i wish mine never happened..i think I would not be so “on guard” all the time like I am now...that way of being will never leave me...I know this now.
Do you know Tony Robbins? If not read a book of him or watch a seminar, it helps that he sees even the worst stuff in your life from its good side. Like the being "on guard" is something that can be useful. Im not saying its not bad what happened but you have to move on an get happy by noticing the good things hidden between and behind all the bad things. You are able to make a change in your life.
Peter Pan oh i have made changes and moved on and actually am doing well and am over all happy...i am still always on guard and as i say that will never leave.the crushing violations took away a deep sense of “you don’t have to be afraid” in some ways that is good because i am not as gullible in other ways as i know i will always on guard, not as spontaneous in living life
@@Dstew57A That is nice to hear. :)
D Stew thank you for sharing this. You sound courageous and the boundaries you ended up developing sound so resourceful. :)
Our pain helps us keep a healthy distance from people we really shouldn’t be around. Our pain can remind us it is wise not to be vulnerable with people who haven’t earned our trust.
Man you’re a hell of a therapist and a even better person thanks for this at the odd chance you spontaneously see this thank you genuinely
Thank you.
@@dmackler58I’m replying here of hopes you’d read this instead of a regular comment if that makes sense. This was the best video I’ve watched on KZhead and it’s given me a blueprint on how to know where I am in my grieving process and what ways it can go. Thank you Daniel
@@e52nthank you!!! Daniel
I’m 23, and I had a narcissistic, emotionally abusive mother growing up. I resonate with your story and with your wisdom, and you deserve all the progress you’ve made. I’m on my own journey, and I’m glad I’m 23 and not 13 anymore. I’m slowly feeling myself come back. Thank you, Daniel
God loves u bro read about the life of Jesus in the Bible
I’m grateful you’re here. ❤
I believe all of what you said. I suffered severe psychological abuse during my childhood. My parents never should have had children.
Most of the people running this world should have no power over anyone either. We´re abused as adults by powers that be same as we were as children by our parents. Problem is, few ever grow to the point they can see this. They can see the abuse their parents did once they´re adults, but they never want to go all the way and recognize their goverments perpetrating the exactly same thing on their subjects. We´re powerless in front of our goverments manipulation and abuse as we were as children with our parents.
No, no, no - you’ve survived. If you’re feeling pain, consider that a badge of honour. Weak people allow themselves to feel no pain. You’ve seen them. If you’re in than much discomfort its because you’ve chosen to suffer instead of throwing away who you really are. Strange to say, but be proud of your pain. Now, go get your payoff. Repair your ‘outside’ and get everything you’ve been saving up for.
.....millions of others shouldn't have had kids either.
Same. I'm terrified of my parents
@@SkyeMpuremagic If we consider the cultural aspect, many get children as well as it's expect of them by their parents, by their culture or their god. I've seen it here so often, big family clans and the small kids with housemaids who are not even Nanny's. Often the women are unhappy in their marriage but need to bring more kids. Other cultures need to bring a lot of kids as they expect them to take care of them in old age.... Thinking often times is distorted. Thinking is hard, that's way it's not practiced by everyone I guess.
People don’t want to hear this when they’re in the grip of it, but suffering is the same as learning. Only instead of learning facts or behaviors, you’re learning compassion. For those who don’t know, when someone is in the grip of suffering, they typically don’t want you to tell them how to solve their problems. They want you to be with them, to acknowledge how they feel and show you understand. That’s compassion. And it’s contagious.
Nah. I suffered a lot and now hate people👍
I don't ever really want compassion. I just want to change things by myself
@@ogeo.8966 I understand, Change comes with self compassion. Its helps to have compassion from others as the process if already difficult so without it it just makes it challenging when people don't acknowledge your needs. Yes you can do it all alone but don't dismiss the fact they could have done their part to make it easier but they didn't.
I actually had to come front with 2 issues around the same time : conform to societal rules and conform to someone else's rules disregard to mine I'm the kind of person who wouldn't forgive people easily. I had met a guy who I joined an art event with, and we attended a convention selling artwork together. But his selfish attitude felt like a huge backstab when he snitches my work to the event organiser. It's been a year and I still feel internally betrayed by his behaviour and actions. I tried starting a conversation about it with him, trying to see if he would acknowledge my suffering. He did not. I felt so disgusted with myself and was so tired of this. But because of this I learnt, and still am trying to accept that part of myself others don't like. I became more self assertive, became more aware of red flags of others, and now accepting that not everyone will forgive each other. Sorry for the essay, hope you all have a great day 😊🙏
@@nikson3720 I am sorry you went thru that. Just a note that you don't need him to validate your feelings. In hindsight it is good to have learned this lesson of spoting red flags because part you may have been in fantasy but reality was stark different. It may seem unjust but just sit with that emotion and hope eventually you will learn to trust it and you can avoid a much bigger loss in future from having learned such a huge lesson. Wish you the best and you deserve to go back out there and do it again whenever you are ready. Nothing's changed, you just got wiser and that's ever better.
No one has ever explained what I was internally doing so accurately before in my life 💯🔥
The matter of fact is most people grow up with bad parents (including ignorant/ uneducated/ narcissistic parents). Blessed are those who got parents who actually knew what parenting means rather than believing “I love my kids” because thinking “I love my kids” and actually being a good parent are completely different.
I think grieving does help you heal your traumas, but it is actually very tough to grieve. It's not easy. I feel like you have to be at a certain level of wellness in your mind in order to grieve. The reason we grieve is because we are finally able to look at our traumas from a healthy perspective. A healthy sense of self which is then able to look at the damage done by finally beeing able to forgive the self and feel love and compassion for it. What stops one from grieving is that they view their traumas in a way that it makes them spiral down the path of self hate and sometimes suicide. It's hard to get to a space where you are truly able to cry in compassion for the self, otherwise associating with the traumas I feel damage you more because they are extremely painful to associate with when your sense of self has somewhat been destroyed or shut down. The only time I was able to grieve trauma was when I took mushrooms because it gave me the mental space to finally do so. It's almost impossible to grieve through the perception of self hate.
A book ''Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving'' gives insights about self hate. Finally we can grow. Although I find it weird how the author casually mentions his grandmother as an internal source of comfort, that perplexed me. How can that be? It's it the grandmother's inability(choice) to self reflect and take responsibility the very reason why his parent traumatized him? Of course, don't feel pressured to answer this question
Seeking Jesus helps too
I'd look up kirsten neff a self compassion researcher.. if you can learn to be more self compassionate towards yourself about your trauma or as david clarke md put it if you can see yourself as a hero for surviving all that instead of a victim, then you realise that you're incredible your mind body was a hero for trying to keep you safe any way it could and youre a hero for still being here.. it wasnt justified or ok but nevertheless you're still a powerful hero compared to what your abuser(s) wanted you to view yourself.. the abusers wanted you to see yourself as broken / irredeemable etc but you are none of those things.. you still are you and you're a hero
I believe his grandmother was more of an enabler and it was his grandfather that was the cruel one. She probably had more empathy and was able to provide some sense of comfort. My guess.
This is a great comment. I agree with you. But taking psychedelics didn't take me to that place...it made me feel more traumatized and overwhelmed. But I agree my natural grieving process was shut down and my body lost the ability to grieve and was self-hating. When your sense of self is shut down its impossible to grieve. Grieving is for "healthy" people.
My dad liked breaking my sisters and I down, kind of like "children are to be seen and not heard" and our mother was critical and didn't protect us. This video was very interesting and he hit the nail on the head if you will, on so many issues, he's refreshingly relatable. God bless everyone and may you heal.
Same with me amd my sisters....
@@athensmajnoo3661 I'm sorry, thank you for sharing that and God bless all of you.
Parents, teachers and religious figures rewarded me and liked me better for being “broken in” After 27 years I am only now just discovering my trauma and setting the stage for grieving. being able to identify the abuse I endured. Your video put into words something so insidiously hidden in plain sight. Thank you.
fighting for yourself quietly...YES. This is so true.
My therapist helped me recognize the roles my family played. I was the black sheep and conflict bearer. She said go home, imagine you’re in a film w/ them, and don’t react to anything they say. Omg what you say is true, I changed & didn’t play my role and they escalated the hooks they threw me. It was an epiphany.
How long did it take them to stop trying to subjugate you with the hooks?
I am german, could you explain it a little bit further? What does escalating the hooks mean?
@@freddiemehrcurry428 ..it means they are trying even harder to drag him down by playing their usual games, continuing with their usual pattern of dysfunction. A hook is something by which you are caught or beholden or obligated, a strong expectation of a particular behaviour, a strong familial pressure to conform to acceptable behaviour which is actually detrimental to you
Thanks so much! I suffer from mental health issues for 20 years now and just came to realise it’s from the people around me. From how my family treated and still treats me. Decided to limit contact to a minimum. Feels very lonely but better
Separating yourself from a personality all together also changes you
What you’re describing is typically what happens if your parents are narcissists. Thank God for the rebellion. I can relate.
Not always though. Our own traumas fears and limitations Come up In parenting. That doesn’t mean you’re a narcissist. Our limitations show up in how we talk and what we do even when we love the crap out of our kid and want to give them everything but can’t for whatever reason.
My (adoptive) father was a liar and a gaslighter; his wife was repressed and stuck in the past. My experience maight not be exactly the same as Daniel's, chronologically, but there is much that matches. And thanks for this personal view of a lived experience--well done! @ep7154 has given me a possible description for Dad--I'm thinking about it
We are all narcissists to a degree, when it becomes a disorder is a different thing. Narcissists are focused on their own image to the world, tell half stories to be the hero or play the victim, gaslight to make you question reality etc.
@@strawberryme08 Doesn’t matter. Someone that behaves a certain way can be described as narcissistic.
That's what self-help videos do to people's perception. This issue is way more widespread than narcissism, you can't compare the two.
Pain is just about the only thing that truly changes people.
The most important comment here !!!
@@earth1710 Consider leaving the trap of thinking that every statement needs to have an in-depth peer-reviewed study from some University in order for it to be true. Some things are just axiomatic, or concluded through observation and intuition.
@@CJ-lr4uq You mean it's axiomatic like knowing that God exists? Is that what you mean?
@@earth1710 The thing about axioms is that people can deny that they're axioms, and there is no way to "prove" them wrong per se. Does that mean axioms don't exist?
@@CJ-lr4uq If you agree that anyone can deny anything, including "axioms" , then your existence question is irrelevant according to such logic.