This talk was recorded as part of the Mindfulness & Compassion Week 2021 For more information, please visit www.WisdomForLife.life
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Reasons im never deactivating TikTok is that it introduces me to things like this one.
@twarrag9124 күн бұрын
Here from TikTok as well
@peteonthestreet1st19 күн бұрын
Right!!! Because I came from Tiktok too🤚🏽. Wishing you healing and love wherever you are♥️
@ronicatee892618 күн бұрын
Same
@allisonsuter813511 күн бұрын
wow i’m from youtube recs
@rinrin-ed2qe10 күн бұрын
Omg same here, i came here because tiktok
@asyahaerunisaputrinazar175710 күн бұрын
"Shame is an innocent emotion. Shame calls for kindness, a longing to be loved."
@liloleist5133 Жыл бұрын
Absolutely!! Thank you.
@mn9120 Жыл бұрын
Malignant shame is problem.
@ranc19773 ай бұрын
Are all those pornstars on the internet innocent, then?
@binghamguevara68143 ай бұрын
Not if you sleep with your friends husband, and blame it on the alcohol. The shame only lasts until the next drink, the next downfall. And yet they keep drinking and never change. This "self-compassion" only works if there is change. If not, it can be used as an excuse to minimize the chaos you have caused.
@zurc_bot3 ай бұрын
@@zurc_bot "as an excuse to minimize the chaos you have caused" Narcissists and borderlines and psychopaths who do not have awareness about the damage they do by sleeping with friends' husbands - do not waste their times watching videos like this one. They don't spend time learning psychology and concepts such as self-compassion. Instead - their time is filled with sleeping with other people's husbands as primary focus in their lives, of chaos and drama.
@ranc19773 ай бұрын
The energy of shame is the wish to be loved - what a beautiful insight
@leilagomulka5690 Жыл бұрын
❤
@debpitts19110 ай бұрын
No one left to give love🌹Only Jesus
@maritrnning53575 ай бұрын
@@maritrnning5357Jesus is dead. Sick of all these Jesus billboards, Where’s he for Gaza and Ukraine? Your Jesus isn’t ever coming back for ANYONE
@GabrielXDrums5 ай бұрын
Beautiful and so liberating!!! ❤
@debygiannioti42715 ай бұрын
@@maritrnning5357please stop this religion nonsense, it is this why people don't have compassion for others
@xunyanli01054 ай бұрын
I used to think I was depressed, anxious, had social anxiety or low self-esteem but only recently have I discovered that I've been living for decades in constant shame, it sabotaged my friendships, made me isolated and lead me to hurt others finding the root of your problem after such a long struggle brought me to tears
@AtomicSlugg5 ай бұрын
Bless you friend. This is deep work. Layer by layer, truth by truth. Innocense is our name.
@Mika-El-4 ай бұрын
It all just finally clicks.
@albinalteborn3 ай бұрын
Me too
@socol763 ай бұрын
" had social anxiety or low self-esteem but only recently have I discovered that I've been living for decades in constant shame, it sabotaged my friendships, made me isolated and lead me to hurt others" Yes. When I talk about toxic shame in social anxiety videos - people cannot grasp it due to veil over their face and filter like confirmation bias and anchoring bias. Socially anxious are brainwashed in childhood (ACoA and ACE) and toxic families and toxic ambient to self blame. And information that there is internalized malignant shame that stems from abuse - is the same information as if conspiracy theories and cognitive dissonance is preventing malignant ashamed people to realize that they are dealing with malignant shame. Same as fish in the water - that is unable to realize that it is water all around, not air nor space - since fish is not clever enough to develop walking genes or brain to develop space rocket and to leave aquamarine ambient or brain to become self aware. - These are all interchangeable: RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) = Social anxiety = Emotional Dysregulation = Complex Trauma = Toxic shame = After-effects of ACoA & ACE = After-effects of narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, mental abuse = Hypervigilance/hypovigilance = PureOCD = Unfavorable power dynamics = Trauma response = Trauma bonding = Neurodivergence = Spectrum, not binary thinking = Amygdala hijacking = Trauma triggers and flashbacks = being criticized for something you can't control = having high moral and ethical standards and enforcing them = someone random complains about our errors when we done superhuman efforts to avoid ALL mistakes which 98.5% percent of people never invest neither physically nor mentally = toxic person complaining and expecting us to know something for the first time without mistakes = Perfectionism = Protesting: someone toxic complaining without fair assessment and basing their protest on bias and prejudice and oversimplification = Protesting: trauma panic symptoms related in an attempt to express OUR OWN judgement and negative evaluation and holding criminals narcissists accountable for their crimes and hidden selfish agenda of exploiting others = Not conforming = Conforming (fawning) to unreasonable standards and neurotypical norms = Conforming to narcissistic abuser and psychopath who would punish us if we don't conform to their Coercive control, hidden agenda and manipulation and pathological lying = Being authentic true speaking the truth to fake people and toxic people who have hidden covert agenda to exploit others = being Agreeable (Big 5 personality trait) = being Open (Big 5 personality trait) = Being Neurotic (Big 5 personality trait) = being healthy, friendly and open to life and people = Attachment issues = Codependency = Listening to our gut feeling = Quiet BPD (PureBPD) = BPD Splitting = Inner critic = Imposter syndrome = Being exposed to Operant Conditioning of Negative reinforcement (rejection, cold shoulder) = Being exposed to Negative reinforcement Breadcrumbs hoping positive reinforcement will come instead = doing the best we can to avoid and mitigate negative reinforcement = Avoidance = Victim of false accusation and slander (overt or covert) = overcompensation and masking and making trauma and or abuse to be functional = being wounded and reacting to someone future faking our voids being fulfilled to hook us up to their lies = Self-referential thinking = identity being rooted in "I am not enough" instead of "I am enough" "People expect the quiet one to adapt to the loud people but not the other way around"
@ranc19773 ай бұрын
Today is the day I made this connection.
@cuchuloholic3 ай бұрын
Bless the Tik Tok girl who shared this!
@rosetania580724 күн бұрын
I was abused as a child and the consequences of it has been devastating - no matter what - college degree, jobs, “success” , travels, years and years of cognitive and/ or behavioral therapy I still struggle with it. I know that the root of it is the abuse and even though things are much better now I still struggle feeling not being good enough and ashamed for not measuring to “other people expectations. The shame I carry through the years is just exhausting at times. This guy talk is very honest and logical and I think that I knew that practicing self compassion when I am struggling helps. Now and then I give that 7 years old child a hug.😢
@ajagui Жыл бұрын
Sending you virtual hugs🤗
@regularity25565 ай бұрын
Same with me
@user-us3cb2oq9c5 ай бұрын
Try EMDR
@claudiademaldonado68244 ай бұрын
Same here! Thanks for posting. Forty years ago, it was difficult to find even a book about shame. Love Germer's work.
@elizabethperkins54804 ай бұрын
@@claudiademaldonado6824 I had EMDR and it was hard but ammmmmmazing! I love it and it helped me on many levels. Glad you did it too.
@tullysoulliere81034 ай бұрын
I think social anxiety is directly the result of shame. I feel very shameful while in social situations. Anxiety and shame are directly related
@indrakamalyadav2921 Жыл бұрын
Agreed! For me it’s also a result of self rejection which is tied to shame. It really helps to practice self acceptance and watch out for those self judging thoughts.
@Melisaosm Жыл бұрын
I think you are right on the money
@einsichtinsights2447 Жыл бұрын
shame is fear of a past experience or emotional response to a past memory. Resulting in wanting to hide. Anxiety is also fear of an experience or emotional response that has or has not happened. both can come from the other. Fear of experiencing the shame around anxiety. or the anxiety around experiencing shame.
@jd32k Жыл бұрын
I’ve struggled with social anxiety my whole life. I didn’t realize shame was the issue until recently.
@ceeeceee875310 ай бұрын
@@ceeeceee8753rejection from our family in early years (even if very subtle) usually underlies all of it. As children, we internalize everything and think it is our fault, is that there is something wrong with us if our parents don’t love us, see us, or understand us, in the ways that we need. It’s just a survival issue. But it feeds into all of these Sometimes devastating problems in our adulthood if we don’t recognize it and heal!
@aarongaffney646610 ай бұрын
“May I be safe, may I be peaceful, may I be healthy, may I live with ease”
@User-actSpacing2 ай бұрын
Yes!!!, 😊😊🎉🎉
@Mushroom321-Ай бұрын
Do you guys know others self-soothing phrases? 🥺
@atypicalmatiasАй бұрын
@@atypicalmatias “My anxiety is very normal human emotion. And I accept it.”
@User-actSpacing29 күн бұрын
I was just doing this meditation today. Thanks to Sharon Salzburg for sharing it on KZhead! That’s how I found it.
@imthinkingthoughts17 күн бұрын
You guys will be blown away by Russ Harris in ACT.
@User-actSpacing17 күн бұрын
To everyone who was watching at the same time as me, Thursday, April 18, 2024 10:45 a.m. MST, I was here with you. Thanks to the lovely lady on TikTok for sharing that teary-eyed video.
@pamelakay389528 күн бұрын
That is exactly how I got here too! Divine Intervention!
@mrsgerardi1024 күн бұрын
im here too the exercise at the end had me bawling
@ariona23 күн бұрын
She has a youtube channel! It's Ozley ASMR. She posts a lot of videos that help with anxiety :) Been watching her for years.
@nothingelseematterss23 күн бұрын
26 April
@yannickjaragomez365418 күн бұрын
I have listened to this two dozen times through a very tough period of my life and it has literally saved my life.
@bradfordstewart5689 ай бұрын
Glad to hear it man🎉
@kalifa______3 ай бұрын
❤
@bev5423 ай бұрын
That's how I am with Near Death Experiences on KZhead. They've saved my life.
@alexinwonderland62393 ай бұрын
Saved my life. Shame could have ended me
@luxolomakwedini9688Ай бұрын
“….Everyone feels shame. You are not alone. You may feel isolated and alone but you are not alone. Shame is a universal emotion” 🥰
@Tracyp9983 ай бұрын
💛
@maritrnning53573 ай бұрын
Reading the comments first; they do not disappoint
@MS-bs8dd17 күн бұрын
it’s such a powerful thing when a professor uses himself as an experience, it’s much more effective
@harleyquiinnnn3 ай бұрын
Yes I certainly agree. Brings the abstract into practicality.
@ShadaeMastersAstrology2 ай бұрын
I am crying so much. All this while its been my innocent desire to be loved, seen and protected.
@eddysaikia60083 ай бұрын
“Shame arises from the universal wish to be loved.”
@tobilytle57373 ай бұрын
I have studied shame and worked on my own for years. This is the most sensitive, intuitive and accurate description I’ve ever heard. Thank you!
@michaelk6222 жыл бұрын
your welcome kid
@Sh0n04 ай бұрын
You got that right!❤
@iPlaneFun4 ай бұрын
Holy Crap! The reason I haven't been able to heal all of my shame is because I have only wanted to be loved for who I am- as we all do. I have always felt unworthy of love based on my belief that who I am is not enough, too flawed, no way to become other than that, no matter how hard I try. I am learning loving kindness and self compassion practices, so I am seeing glimpses of hope. Thank you!
@colleenfairchild6934 Жыл бұрын
Your loved. 😊
@liamnewsom85834 ай бұрын
❤❤❤
@prismdiamondlight3 ай бұрын
Last night. I didn’t think I could go on in life. I felt so alone and I felt like I deserved to feel this way. I’ve been battling with anxiety for about 3 years now. And I knew it deep down, but my anxiety is rooted in my shame and self-hate. This video was exactly what I needed. And intend to use the insightful words and exercise to hopefully one day become self-compassionate.
@gavinheld1974 ай бұрын
Wishing you lots of love and healing to keep going. I know how much anxiety can then become shame within. And that feeling of being alone is so very painful. Just hold on to how many of us are out there. You are worthy of kindness, warmth and recovery . Keep holding on
@heartofhope773 ай бұрын
I hope you have someone to hold space for you. ♥️ You are worthy of love and compassion. It’s a battle to undo the programming but it CAN be undone. Keep fighting for yourself-you’re worth it. 😊
@Sashas-mom3 ай бұрын
Wishing you lots of compassion and love. You are enough. You are worthy.
@VeroNika-qm3ku3 ай бұрын
You can do that now you don't need " one day"
@antoniodesimone46893 ай бұрын
I’m so glad this video helped. I have also struggled with shame. If you’re ever feeling like you can’t go on, 988 is the number to the National suicide and crisis lifeline. Hopefully you can connect with someone. I’m happy you exist ❤
@rosahunt953 ай бұрын
Shame has kept me isolated and in poverty. Feelings buried alive never die, so I have to face this shame to heal 😢 Its hard work. But so is poverty and isolation. blessings to everyone on this journey
@jennetteswackhammer72312 ай бұрын
Bless you
@mirandaschalen2 ай бұрын
what helped me a lot was being radically honest about myself in a quite immature online community that was prone to shaming anyone who was different, anonymously ofc, I got to experience a lot of shaming and learned to become immune to it, now getting ready for the real life version 😅
@rongike5 сағат бұрын
I really needed this. My autism and adhd has in my life lead to so much shame for simply existing as I do, and now I can really pinpoint that shame is what it is. Thank you for this.
@lupinseason16 күн бұрын
“Pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame” -Uncle Iroh
@NobleVagabond2552 Жыл бұрын
If you don’t know where this quote came from, you really need to find out
@NobleVagabond2552 Жыл бұрын
Dont make things that sound good to you out of your pockets have any credibility. No leave this marrtive that humility is good nonsense and stay in your pubble
@xcept73554 ай бұрын
The second part of this quote is powerful when one realizes that true humility is the understanding that each and every person is simultaneously equal and invaluable. If one is unable to connect with their inherent worth, then the humility they display is merely an act to appear humble... as a way of hopefully receiving love and acceptance from others. True humility can only arise from true self-worth (seeing through the illusion of unworthiness). Pride is not a cause, but a symptom of our unmet emotional needs - this is where religious philosophy gets it backwards. Healing our emotional wounds and traumas is how we address the root cause of "sinful" behavior.
@blaynearnold14 ай бұрын
Airbender
@NaturallyGourgeousАй бұрын
this is the truest thing I've seen online in a while, when I embraced shame I unlocked humility and defeated pride.
@rongike5 сағат бұрын
Brilliant. Thank you. We are all in this together. Whoever is reading this right now, remember YOU are not alone. Everyone here shares in shame-most difficult emotion. Never, ever forget our common humanity. ❤️
@SpidermanInLondon8 ай бұрын
I’ve always isolated myself when going through tough times. He’s right, it’s lonely and debilitating. I listen to videos like this in an attempt to claw myself out of this inner turmoil and darkness. And seeing comments like yours reassures me that I’m going to be ok. Thank you. ❤
@journeytocloud97 ай бұрын
Yes!, thank you !! 😃😮😮😊❤
@Mushroom321-Ай бұрын
my top takeaways that resonate with me from this insightful truth: shame is not our fault but it is our responsibility. 15:41 mindfulness of shame is the first step to alleviating shame. it is knowing what we’re experiencing while we’re experiencing it with acceptance. shame is mostly invisible because we naturally dont want to see it. 18:09 what we resist persists but the good news is avoiding shame is more harmful than shame itself. when we stop avoiding shame and mindfully meet shame and ourselves with kindness, shame begins to recede 21:19 shame is an innocent emotion that calls for kindness. it arises from the desire to be loved. its universal. shame feels permanent and all-encompassing but its a temporary emotion. it represents a burden that we are carrying. it is not who we are. 26:10 these insights correspond to the three components of self compassion which are self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. when we experience these insights, we pierce these illusions. what are the illusions? shame feels blameworthy but it is an innocent emotion that calls for kindness and love. recaliming the wish to be loved is the first courageous act. alternative wordings may be : the need to belong, the need to he appreciated, respected, included. it is a vulnerable truth. what if we woke up in the morning and put our hand in our heart and said “just as all beings wish to be loved, so do i too now and throughout the day wish to be loved.” what would you see in other people from then on? would it change your relationship with others? it is a primordial wish to be loved. it opens the door to innocene then self-compassion. 33:54 shame is part of the human experience. this is common humanity. anyone in the same situation as you would feel the same way. in this feeling of shame you are not alone. you may feel isolated because thats the purpose of shame but the truth is you are not alone. everyone in the world wants to be loved and respected. 43:44 “i, like every other human just wish to be loved.” thank you chris for making this video🙆🏻♀️ you are a blessing to others.
@ella-12-3453 ай бұрын
Thank u ❤
@user-ib2bt4ck7y2 ай бұрын
Great notes! Thank you!
@tyronehanley8377Ай бұрын
👏👏👏
@neldaqueen28 күн бұрын
"Shame can ruin our lives, shame can ruin other peoples lives." Wow, I have never heard this point of view. I appreciate this new take on anxiety, depression and trauma. Thank you.
@florencefallon5990 Жыл бұрын
Check out Tim Fletcher if you are interested in further insights on this topic :)
@lukashoppenstedt385212 күн бұрын
“Why not be that person who lives with the full moon in each eye that says ‘love me’?” What a beautiful image!
@singha63 ай бұрын
I cried listening to this. I hope one day to share with myself the compassion I share with others. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom on this platform, I highly respect you and your work.
@kuzuchan33618 ай бұрын
i respect him for what he put out for free - you gotta pay dollars to learn it outside!
@marymc67013 ай бұрын
We had to forget the need to be loved because it didn’t work. What a relief to admit it and realize it’s the universal human condition. I can feel my shame at wishing for love from others decreasing as I listen to you. I can meet it with compassion. There’s nothing wrong with that wish to be loved. I am sending you love today, doctor. Thank you for your healing message. 🙏🏽💚
@Sunshine744443 ай бұрын
amen
@marymc67013 ай бұрын
I once heard someone say, “Shame is I am bad person and guilt is I did a bad thing.”
@dknox90803Ай бұрын
Cried during the exercise. Going through a heartbreak and I wish my mom was here. Thanks
@Itszahia22 күн бұрын
I’m so sorry, wishing you healing and self love ♥️
@Ninafvn18 күн бұрын
@@Ninafvn thank you so much 🤍
@Itszahia18 күн бұрын
I hope you feel better ❤. God is with you always 😊
@sekinatabdulsalam355414 күн бұрын
@@sekinatabdulsalam3554 thank you so much 🤍
@Itszahia14 күн бұрын
I’m so sorry. Praying for you. Your mom is with you always. ❤️
@sfnerd20238 күн бұрын
I was diagnosed with ADHD. I was neglected as a child. Weighed over 600lbs before the pandemic. The only reason why I was able to get help was because of disability. The people who took care of me knew it, but didn’t tell me because taking me to therapy interfered with them running the streets. I knew I was miserable but, didn’t want to put that energy out on other people. I went through college and some of graduate school thinking and being treated like I was dumb. My escape from shame and want to be loved came out in drinking and eating or sex. I’m getting help now. I’m recovering from the imposter syndrome caused by years of loving to learn but due to executive functions and shit. lol I thought everything came in one ear and out the other. Not as ashamed of myself as I was before. Lost over 200lbs in under a year. Best I have ever been.
@dapperninji6463 ай бұрын
Good work, I’m pulling for you
@Adrian-yv1te2 ай бұрын
@@Adrian-yv1tethank you.
@dapperninji6462 ай бұрын
lets fucking go man. real shit. 200 lbs in a year is insane and recovering from the imposter syndrome is the real unseen gain. pulling for you too.
@twinshk2Ай бұрын
@@twinshk2 I am happy as hell. Going through exposure therapy is the real life saver. Everything is easier. I didn’t even know living with all of this undiagnosed had me on edge constantly.
@dapperninji646Ай бұрын
What hit home hardest for me, is approaching others with the notion that everyone inherently wants to be loved. I seem to be constantly going into meetings on the defensive, seeing others coming from a place an aggressiveness(putting myself in a position of defensiveness, which lends to underlining insecurities of one’s self). I have seen time and time again that this perception of mine is flawed, but still have such a hard time breaking the cycle.What a great job reframing by this man.
@Michael-vg5tlАй бұрын
totally can relate to this
@luna_rkiveАй бұрын
@@luna_rkive me too
@eza55524 күн бұрын
all aggression is rooted in fear, meaning they are also defensive, you probably seem aggressive to them as well tbh.
@rongike5 сағат бұрын
He nailed this! I had been feeling, what I thought was anxiety for quite sometime, and it turns out it was actually shame because I always felt so inadequate. Didn’t know I needed self-compassion this much till now. Thank you so much for your service, kind sir!
@carlosd32402 жыл бұрын
"Shame is what turns trauma into PTSD"
@TheTimefritter9 күн бұрын
I came from that one tiktok video
@rudmilashehrinkhan634518 күн бұрын
Me too
@user-zi8ew5iy6u10 күн бұрын
Me three
@jaguarjay777210 күн бұрын
Me four
@danielbacellar49867 күн бұрын
With Complex trauma it's difficult to include kinship in the midst of suffering due to fear of judgement and trust.
@ts3858 Жыл бұрын
You are a gift from the universe. I have been struggling so long with shame because of the way I’ve been treated and it’s gotten to the point where it’s weaved itself into my identity. Shame along with overthinking and feeling incompetent has really held me back from being at ease. It’s definitely limited my creativity because I’m constantly worried about how I’m being perceived and thought of. It’s crazy because I thought I’ve worked on this, but I realized I am still always beating myself up for something and I struggle to be kind to myself. This video really helps to break down shame and the practice at the end made me feel lighter. So many tears were shed during this video but i hope I can take in this advice and use it the next time the feeling of shame arises. Thank you, you’re amazing and this video is a rare gem.
@annan.60059 ай бұрын
I can relate to everything you just said. Thank you for sharing.
@journeytocloud97 ай бұрын
i actually feel so much better, as a gen z person who is pretty online, I often forget how much research and knowledge is avaliable to me on the internet, ive never actually sat down and watched a video this long in full, at least not in a long while to be connected to someone like this, someone so different from me is just an amazingly freeing feeling to simply be to feel human, to feel connected to other people in this emotion that is shame and to be able to let it go. thank you!
@Anjalisstudio2 ай бұрын
People are using “shaming” others these days for different things. Shaming if you disagree with another opinion or belief. Shaming for illness and needing treatment for that illness. 🥺😩 I cannot help where I am at in life. I was injured at the hands of a doctor/staff in hospital. Changed my life FOREVER in a completely negative way. Abused daily as a child. My mother left me on the side of a State Highway in Illinois when I was 4 years old. I turned out to be a very kind, compassionate person toward others and now I find myself in a horrible situation until death that is pain and suffering and having to live below poverty level for it. 🤷🏼♀️ I don’t understand LIFE.
@KellyBell16 ай бұрын
What did the idiot doc do? Cute dog, yours?
@frv66103 ай бұрын
I am sending you love
@CDMButterfly3 ай бұрын
Stay strong, it can, and will get better
@amg84303 ай бұрын
You’re so right. And the worst part is on some level we may feel responsible for everything and everyone because we carry the shame for the shameless ones too. We spend so much energy trying to make sense of the senseless…and grieving the lack of real justice, grieving the lack of caring in systems we cannot avoid. We need to do daily the opposite of all this non sense. We need to be extra caring towards ourselves and others and look for ways to find commonality and connection in these fragile times. ❤
@mercyme80143 ай бұрын
I remember celebrating my nephews birthday my brother hit the mark looked at me and straight up said, "Are you a flogging nun or something? Why not be kind to yourself and my response was cause it hurts less. Also I am a nursing school dropout
@NaturallyGourgeousАй бұрын
I started crying when he talked about love, noone showed me love, I even didnt love myself, I was very hard on myself. Never thought about what positive things I have, always focusing on negative ones, cuz I was taught from others.
@thehonest14 Жыл бұрын
It's never too late to start loving ourselves. Your tears were a good start my friend. It's a process, it's undoing years of negative conditioning and what I find most helpful is to talk to myself the way I would talk to a dear friend, like the gentleman in the video suggested at some point. Good luck on your journey.
@alessandraregalzi4943 Жыл бұрын
All my life, I have received joy, happiness and satisfaction/gratification from "when things went well for others". So I became a "yes" man at an early age and cultivated and propagated that. Can you help me, can you do this, can you give me a few minutes of your time, can you work some overtime, DO YOU HAVE SOME MONEY? All of these and more were responded to IMMEDIATELY with a yes, getting to the point of almost snapping to attention and saluting, ha ha. I always felt I was doing the right thing, regardless of how it put me out... and it did put me out, a lot. I had boundary issues which remain to this day. I still can't tell people no, to a great extent. I need help and it is getting late innings, if you get my drift.
@joeschmo7957 Жыл бұрын
I certainly know what you have been experiencing..the "people pleasing" necessity and the sense of fear when they're not placated. "To thine Ownself be True." Wishing you Courage, my Friend.
@meredithshore62885 ай бұрын
I have similar experiences regarding not being loved. I now work on being good to myself. It feels good. Good luck to you.
@elizabethk32383 ай бұрын
Sir we neeed you back! Start uploading again. We love and miss you ❤.
@dhrubaintisher81699 күн бұрын
I have always known I struggled with shame - but on my lunch walk while listening to your video - “shame is an innocent feeling - it arises from a deep desire to be loved”…and all of a sudden I’m bawling 😂. Cathartic and a key to my continued growth - thank you for that sentence - and for this much-needed topic ❤
@kra7231 Жыл бұрын
We can feel shame because we are mistreated or devalued by others - even if we did nothing wrong! When mistreated, we internalise those attitudes from others and then we feel bad about ourselves. Shame represents a burden part of us is carrying - but it is NOT who we are and it and it is a temporary feeling. I want to frame this...
@paulinec884216 күн бұрын
I feel more bad for other people than I do for myself
@cereal_qilla3 ай бұрын
I’ve been in shame spirals since a traumatic experience
@2brunhilda Жыл бұрын
In a time where it’s hard to find anything positive your Chanel has been a gift. Thank you EVER so much for sharing your wisdom. I have learned more from you for free in the comfort of my home than numerous trips to therapists. What a gift you are giving the world in a time where it’s hard to see the humanity. Thank you🙏 May you receive 10 fold what you are giving.
@Smalltowngirl69692 жыл бұрын
This explains all of my past relationships. Ive never had a real friend and so when some did reach out, I didnt know how to reciprocate and lost touch. I have also tolerated things that I should not have many times. Whoops
@spontaneousbootay4 ай бұрын
I feel shame on a constant basis. It doesn't matter what I do it think, I'm so ashamed of everything I do . I would be sitting and I would get flashbacks of my past behavior or choices and just feel a wave of shame. I try to feel self compassion for some of my self destructive pasty behaviors but I just don't seem to be able to forgive myself. I would verbally say, i forgive myself but the next moment, I just feel shame and self loathing. also when I interact with others, everything they say or do somehow makes me feel less than and ashamed about my own choices and so on. I have BPD. It's a terrible way to live.
@markusmeyer6391 Жыл бұрын
Check out Jerry Wise. He has a video about accepting your not being ready to forgive yourself and the paradoxical effect it tends to have in helping you become more ready. Its on his You Tube channel under the title: "The Power of Self Acceptance".
@lambchop62787 ай бұрын
This is literally exactly what I am going through right now as well. I hope you are feeling better.
@ToastyGhost25 ай бұрын
I hope you are feeling better - one thing to remember - your thoughts are not you. Our thoughts are like out of control teenagers running around in our head. If you can acknowledge the thoughts as that at let them go it can help. Your thoughts are not you and controlling them totally isn’t possible - we can have them feel them and let them go every time. That’s a compassionate act on the self. Sometimes all the self help stuff makes us feel we should be able to control our thoughts - we can’t control them but acknowledge them for what they are
@giatasha21813 ай бұрын
Thank you guy for your advices. I appreciate them.
@markusmeyer63913 ай бұрын
I scared my shame away when i told it, as if it were a person separate from me, that itself is shameful, then it got scared and shut up because it knows i can shame it back. Sounds silly but it works sometimes.
@frv66103 ай бұрын
In my personal, vast experience with shame, I can tell you this guy KNOWS what he is talking about and is worthy of listening to and has valuable information to share.
@joeschmo7957 Жыл бұрын
“Shame Is a self conscious emotion with negative self-evaluation” 💡” so SHAME means I’m imagining in my mind what you are imagining in your mind about me - and it’s not good” For me that was the LIGHT IN THE DARK , that came through the crack in my isolation
@Nawty274 ай бұрын
I've been ashamed most of my life I suffered sexual mental and physical abuse from a small child and have never believed I am good enough I had lots of therapy over the years and when I get triggered the shame comes quick and fast and then I put more shame on myself because I'm feeling shame thank you so much for all you said I will certainly try my best to have compassion for myself love and light
@angieburke38753 ай бұрын
Yes, yes and yes. I have been treated so badly and the shame is hard to shake off. Thank you for this very helpful video.
@candyapple7445 Жыл бұрын
AN INSPIRED AFFIRAMTION FOR MYSELF: I quietly, explicitly, and repeatedly offer compassionate words to myself.
@alexkuieh156523 күн бұрын
I felt so loved just by watching your video Thank you for sitting here for almost an hour teaching us how to make our lives better ♥️🙏🏻
@eman5716 Жыл бұрын
when he started describing the physicalaspect of shame, I felt so seen
@cenachrome17 күн бұрын
I actually call them "shame attacks" they usually happen after any interaction with others. They also happen after i drink alcohol, though they can also be trigerred by many many things.
@user-ib2bt4ck7y2 ай бұрын
Summary Self-compassion is presented as an antidote to shame. The speaker shares personal experiences and explains the concept of self-compassion and its benefits. They also discuss the nature of shame and its impact on individuals. Highlights Self-compassion is a powerful tool for managing difficult emotions, particularly shame. Self-compassion is not selfishness or weakness, but rather a way of treating ourselves with kindness and understanding. Shame is a self-conscious emotion with negative self-evaluation. Shame can be caused by external mistreatment or our own actions, but it should not be a life sentence. Mindfulness is the first step towards alleviating shame and cultivating self-compassion. Self-compassion can help reduce shame’s negative effects and improve well-being in various areas of life, including relationships and the workplace.
@eggsdietdiary3 ай бұрын
26:10 Shame is an innocent emotion because it arises from a wish to be loved. "The energy of shame is the wish to be loved." (He also discusses that "wish to be loved" may be specifically felt as 'need to belong' or 'need to be respected' etc)
@AnthonyL0401 Жыл бұрын
This goes deep and you’re explaining is so clear. So compassionate of you to share your own feelings on this topic. Thanks!
@runefagereng60232 жыл бұрын
Self-absorbtion, isolation, self-doubt - nail on the head that sums up my struggles. Isolation is a kind of pride also, "I'm special, unique". It is very very recently that I actually started identifying that what I might be struggling with is traumatic shaming from childhood and teenage years. Very important trail to follow for self-healing. I am happy I have stumbled upon your video. ...And the kid just wanted to be loved... but the parents didn't quite know how to offer that. So the father kept saying: what's wrong with you, you're weird, you will always be an idiot digging holes" and the step mother said: you're just like your father, always thinking about yourself. You should compromise and admit you're faulty, repent. Listen to that for 20 years, you have a good chance of internalizing it.
@strangerintheselands2512 ай бұрын
"Accepting shame as universal and as the result of our longing to be loved" is such an amazing lesson. A million thank yous!
@mariacortez67829 күн бұрын
I didn’t come here from tiktok, youtube recommended the video. But I bet all of the traffic from people coming here from TT caused the youtube algorithm to push this video into my feed. Isn’t that beautiful? One person sharing a resource on one platform has had such a big ripple effect. a rare positive result from algorithms.
@bubblebubbleblipКүн бұрын
I believe this is at the cutting edge of psychology/m.health/self help today. This is the missing piece. Shame & self compassion. I have recently started 'visiting' my body, inside, where it tenses or hurts with fear, overwhelm, anger etc. I breathe into it to soften it, I talk to it, ask it what it is storing and trying to show me and why. Soon as I started to do this it was as if a doorway creaked open and self compassion/self love came flooding in. I am now researching all things somatic healing, self compassion, nervous system trauma release hot on the heels of my revelations with mindfulness. And of course shame. Like the silent killer within us all we never talked about and its antidote self compassion we were too busy to ever take seriously. Inner child = the subconscious = the body -when you find the key it all unlocks 💞💥🌄
@lucylight176 Жыл бұрын
Out of respect for your non-christian viewers, you might refrain from ''Adam and Eve' references. Thank you.
@elizabethk32383 ай бұрын
@@elizabethk3238 I have made no 'Adam & Eve' references and I don't recall him doing so and if he did it would be symbolic wouldn't it
@lucylight1763 ай бұрын
Thanks so much for sharing your experience and your optimism about this breakthrough for All of us. I've also been having some breakthroughs in allowing myself to feel love and support inside my body/self. I especially love your imagery of the doorway creaking open . . . and self compassion flooding in.
@joannego8563 ай бұрын
This is a beautiful video and it’s been wonderful to read all the kind and supportive comments. I’ve been operating with tremendous self-contempt for a long time. No wonder I feel so bad.
@LalaBee4now8 ай бұрын
Practice at 38 mins 🌹🙏
@drdevikakhanna49792 жыл бұрын
A few years ago I suffered huge addiction to a substance. It almost killed me , the shame afterwards was even worse than the addiction. I self condemned myself almost every day but as time went on, I accepted the love of Christ and overcame it. Watching this video made me realize that the shame still lingers and affects me sometimes. I feel whole this evening from the exercise and all I can say is healing from anything takes some time and a lot of self compassion. Thank you for this Dr Chris.
@sekinatabdulsalam355414 күн бұрын
Suberb. We still channel shame as a child would., As adults, we can say, "Your criticism of me is well-founded and I can correct my mistake" or "This critique does not reflect upon me. It is your opinion only and doesn't affect me." This too is helpful.
@mselbit Жыл бұрын
This is absolutely brilliant! Thank you so much for recording that! It's super helpful! I feel so lucky to stumble on that video💙
@toniatsopovits Жыл бұрын
great point about shame is desire to be loved. Makes sense. Thanks.
@FroggyFrog90004 ай бұрын
What if we feel self hatred. Part of me doesn’t want to heal the shame, it doesn’t think I deserve to be loved. There’s lots of internal anger towards myself and the more I try to be compassionate towards myself the more it resists… I don’t know how to move forward from this
@twillsJKZ3 ай бұрын
Sit with it. Feel the emotion in your body. Get out of your head and in your body. Then offer yourself the self compassion. Do it everyday.
@lindseyfrancom1988Ай бұрын
You'll get there. Not thinking you deserve that love is also a symptom of shame. All humans deserve love, you are not an exception
@connor5669Ай бұрын
31:55 Details on exercises we could do to keep the need to be loved in our minds, great stuff
@AnthonyL0401 Жыл бұрын
How did it work for you ?
@non61299 ай бұрын
My every choice in life has been in service to avoiding the pain of my deep toxic shame. Where I've lived, where I've worked, the people I have and have not associated with. Its liked I've missed out on what I would have liked to do with my life.
@sammavacaist3 ай бұрын
Thank you!
@kittypaw31183 ай бұрын
thank you so much! i experience immense relief from the shame episodes that happened years ago and kept coming back with the same level of intensity over and over again.. I hope i will be able to turn off the hiding mechanism now as it developed into avoidant behaviour keeping me from meeting new people and taking life opportunities. I feel endlessly grateful for this revelation. To anyone reading this and struggling with the same problems - you are not alone
@veranazarenko8514 Жыл бұрын
You want to turn off your 'default mode network' - is like turning off your skill to ' walk' - we learned this toxic shame as toddlers - its in us forever- your stuck with a broken toddler - teach your inner child to laugh and be his/her best friend- thats how i turn it off
@xxxdftkkhgdrujj Жыл бұрын
The shame episodes have ruined my life and continue to do so, how do I get better? Please give me advice
@mikey366610 ай бұрын
@@mikey3666 hey Mikey, I have been continuing to learn about my condition and I found that there is a concept of CPTSD to describe childhood trauma. I can say that after years of research this framework seems to be the most helpful. I strongly recommend you to read the book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. Not only it gives you the clear concept of how the trauma works, it teaches you deep understanding of the mechanisms that trigger trauma driven behaviour. It is aimed to teach you to recognize and systematically fight off shame, tackle panic attacks and overall - really work on the root of the trauma response. I hope you will find it helpful!
@veranazarenko851410 ай бұрын
I feel shame all my life. The way I look, the way I talk, my whole being. I’m trying to reach my dream, but shame and anxiety make every steps so painful. I hit myself whenever I feel like I made mistakes. Thanks for the video. Maybe I can think of ways to feel peace with myself
@enji6460Ай бұрын
Keep practicing self-compassion (I'm trying too)! Feel for you, take care
@freekpeetАй бұрын
THIS WAS INCREDIBLE! As self compassion goes up, shame goes down! I have shame induced perfectionism. My perfectionism is driven by shame. I hold myself and others to impossible standards. I would love to buy your book as I continue learning about how to love myself as I am.
@kenzielove993 ай бұрын
Thank you so much for this. I can feel the compassion in your voice. I've returned to this video a few times. It's... a bit of an emotional journey reliving the hundreds of shameful memories of my past, but I can feel it making them lighter every time. So thanks for this small gift.
@Commonlyunique Жыл бұрын
I cant't believe this stuff is on YT FOR FREE! THANKS!
@frappedelimon43518 күн бұрын
28:05 Explains the first illusion of shame, that it feels blameworthy but actually calls for self compassion, followed by exercise
@AnthonyL0401 Жыл бұрын
Thank you. I have cptsd from childhood abuse that continued into adulthood. I couldnt understand the shame i feel and it helps to know it comes from the need for love and acceptance that i never got. Im also just ashamed for anyone to know the dirty secret of my past that i disguise under a mask of normality which leads me to feel like an imposter. Lovingkindness and Tara Brach have helped so much. My mother just passed away this week.. she was my only confidante. Im glad i found your videos on giving myself love ad wishing myself all the things i wish for others. ❤
@webds3 ай бұрын
Sounds hard to lose a parent
@frv66103 ай бұрын
Thank you, Chris. This information and practice has helped me to have a massive shift and understanding of what has been keeping me prisoner inside of myself for so many years. I realized that the mechanism of shame has very effectively been covering my true self. The beauty of what I am receiving from your approach is that instead of separation from this part of myself, I feel gratitude and the befriending of shame as the key to unlocking my true self that has lied buried and unexpressed and at this point very much suffocated. It can be so easy to want to dismiss these emotions and keep them invisible, however to really see them and approach them with self-compassion, as you say, is so profoundly beneficial and transformational. Thank you very very much.
@karencalderonacupuncture375 Жыл бұрын
This gave me goosebumps and a lot to think about...
@nora840915 күн бұрын
Dear Dr Germer good day. Thank you indeed ever so much for your eminent and empathic contribution to all of us. Please know that your healing lessons are going far beyond you can imagine, in helping traumatised fellow humans go a step further in our effort towards consciousness and healing. I am deeply grateful to you.
@mariatiraski24 ай бұрын
It is very important the invisibility characteristic of shame, because it leads us to undernotice it and consequently not addressing it. Loved this video. Thank you very much for your help!!!!!
@andreiagouveia258610 ай бұрын
Thank you for posting this talk. My piano fluency coach, who puts rhythm first, uses this teaching to help with our embarrassment when we try to 'let go' of self-criticism and shame and express ourselves rhythmically. There's a powerful inner voice asking nastily, 'Who do you think you are?'. The practice works.
@lshwadchuck564310 күн бұрын
Thank you Christopher for offering your wisdom and insights - we all wish to be loved. Offering ourselves in mindful awareness, self-compassion with a sense of common humanity when we feel inadequate, incapable, sad, ashamed, fearful and vulnerable can dissolve the fear of not being accepted or loved. Seeking acceptance and love using harmful behaviours tends to push people away eventually, which leaves us feeling very lonely and unloved.
@RodBarkerdigitalmediablog3 ай бұрын
I told myself "You are doing your best". I needed to hear that.
@InfinitePisces11 ай бұрын
I suffer from a deep shame… My mother allowed my grandfather to whoop me as a child. She never set any boundaries and didn’t mention it to my father until I had a breakdown. It’s tough but I’m learning to forgive.
@Discipleofthelordandjesus3 ай бұрын
My older siblings bullied me into a state of feeling hated then said they would show me affection afterwards if I did embarrassing things , then laughed at me for doing them. I am still dealing with this core trauma wound into my 50's. You are not alone and I wish you peace and to know you have great value and are worthy.
@milarepa1234567Ай бұрын
@@milarepa1234567 You are also not alone, feel for you, take care
@freekpeetАй бұрын
My mother and older sister were the queens of Shame. I told myself that it’s okay, I am human and not perfect. I don’t need to be perfect to be loved and my heart is still the same despite feelings of shame. I used to want to end my life and eat a bunch of food to make myself feel better. I would also be hyper sexual and beat myself up
@Queen-ConsciousYa2 ай бұрын
Yeah I hear you, to carry the shame for so many years is exhausting, exhausting to the extent that it wears you down. We can either implode in dark internal rumination, or flower in the Light of Life and Love. Radical self-acceptance is the way. These insights are what came up for me - "Why do I have so many conditions that must be met before I can be happy, or before others can be happy with me?" What would happen if I removed all the reasons I have for not being able to be happy right now? What would happen if I inspected the logic of these apparent obstructions to present happiness, are they necessary and justified? If I inspect these conditions and reasons for being unhappy, shameful and anxious, do they actually make sense? are they still valid under scrutiny? These conditions we put on self-acceptance and permission to be able to relax and feel good, to feel enough, to feel like you matter, are just the same style of conditional love we received from our parents, we are still holding on to that structure and it is shaping our reality, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy loop, deluding us further and seeming to confirm these negative core beliefs. Saying these powerful things to ourselves with genuine loving kindness is a powerful self-healing tool. I am enough. I am good. I am important. I am worthy. I am understood. I am strong. I am intelligent. I am loving. I am loved.
@HeartFeltGesture5 ай бұрын
I am safe.
@lisbethbird82684 ай бұрын
Thank you
@mariea_sc3 ай бұрын
This has opened my view on a lot of my behaviors. I used to be very depressed and ashamed of myself when I was younger and it was hard to recover but I did. In truth I never really connected my pain and shame to my behaviors aside from the destructive ones. Your talk has shown me that maybe part of the reason I avert gazes and why I talk quietly could be learned behaviors from my time being terribly ashamed of myself. Now that I've worked on understanding my trauma I think I need to work on relearning behaviors that I inadvertently taught myself through the years. Thanks mister and I hope you have a good day. :)
@woahemiee Жыл бұрын
I have always felt that self compassion is utterly disgusting and self indulgent. Exercising self compassion is torment, the shame is fighting back tenfold. I think I need to be brave but this bravery is yet to be discovered
@dinachayarubin56002 ай бұрын
Self compassion exercise begins at 37:00 :)
@anonymouskat66615 ай бұрын
Thank you
@Ross_Embossed4 ай бұрын
Cannot wait for your book !!!!
@superluminalhealing2 жыл бұрын
This is really the most compassionate talk I’ve ever heard on shame… thank you for guiding us through it in ourselves with so much earned wisdom and grace. Thank you, and so grateful for you. I will be returning to this video over and over.
@sabariel33 Жыл бұрын
I agree!!!
@joannego8563 ай бұрын
You did a great job explaining compassion and shame. Thank you so much for this, this was incredibly eye opening.
@An1MuS2 жыл бұрын
I know this to not be an overstatement when I say I will remember the effect and impact of this video for as long as I consciously live onwards. Thankyou, Sir Christopher. This is nothing less than a gift to humanity you offer free of cost. Thankyou! Every word of this hour-long video resonated with deep within. I feel blessed, released, and grateful for finding this and I look forward to practicing this for as long as I'd need to. Thankyou, Sir!
@uliamasud43599 күн бұрын
Thank you thank you thank you! What an important gift it is to know about self-compassion, and kindness towards oneself when we're feeling shame. I've been listening to all your meditations, they are lovely, and have really helped me to feel better.
@LAFProducciones2 жыл бұрын
00:07 🧘 Introduction to Self-Compassion Self-compassion as an antidote to shame. The growth of interest in self-compassion over the years. Personal experience with self-compassion and its impact. 04:09 🧘 Self-Compassion vs. Mindfulness Differentiating self-compassion from mindfulness. The importance of self-compassion in addressing intense emotions. The role of mindfulness in self-compassion. 08:23 🧘 Components of Self-Compassion Kristen Neff's three components of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, self-kindness. The opposite qualities of self-absorption, isolation, and self-criticism. The significance of these components in understanding self-compassion. 10:10 🧘 Understanding Shame Defining shame as a self-conscious emotion with negative self-evaluation. The difference between guilt and shame. The evolutionary function of shame in human survival. 12:59 🧘 Trait Shame vs. State Shame Differentiating between adaptive, state shame and pervasive trait shame. How mistreatment and cultural influences contribute to trait shame. The idea that shame should not be a lifelong burden. 16:13 🧘 Effects of Shame The impact of shame on psychological well-being and behavior. How shame can lead to avoidance behaviors and hinder personal growth. The role of self-compassion in addressing and reducing shame. 19:41 🧘 Recognizing and Mindfully Approaching Shame The invisibility of shame and the importance of recognizing it. Internal and external manifestations of shame. The significance of naming shame as a step towards alleviating it. 24:12 🪞 Understanding Shame and its Effects Shame involves feelings of mistrust, unworthiness, and incompetence. Shame can lead to rumination and self-absorption, making it challenging to repair relationships. Self-compassion can offer new insights into shame. 27:34 🤗 The Innocence of the Wish to Be Loved Shame is rooted in the universal wish to be loved or appreciated. Reconnecting with the wish to be loved can be a courageous act on the path to self-compassion. Recognizing this wish in yourself and others can foster a sense of common humanity. 37:07 🙏 Self-Compassion Exercise: Self-Compassion Break for Shame The exercise focuses on mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness. Acknowledging and validating shame as a common human experience. Connecting with the universal wish to be loved and offering self-kindness as a response to shame. 52:16 🙌 Conclusion and Self-Care Recognizing the challenges of addressing shame but emphasizing the power of mindfulness and self-compassion. Encouraging self-care and nurturing oneself after engaging with shame-related emotions.
@gingerbreadzak3 ай бұрын
thank you so much for this!
@tawa360Ай бұрын
I'm been reading Self Compassion by Neff and working on developing it in therapy. I was assigned this video by my therapist. I just want to say I appreciate you and the work you do!
@austinhardy505016 күн бұрын
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say those things a compassionate loved one would tell me and make them genuinely come from my heart. I immediately thought of all the wrong things I’ve done. All the ways I could’ve done better. Maybe I’m not ready yet to let go of shame and guilt..
@asmaaom3 ай бұрын
Maybe try to think of a less shameful event, where it might be easier to be self-compassionate. With gentleness you can do this.
Reasons im never deactivating TikTok is that it introduces me to things like this one.
Here from TikTok as well
Right!!! Because I came from Tiktok too🤚🏽. Wishing you healing and love wherever you are♥️
Same
wow i’m from youtube recs
Omg same here, i came here because tiktok
"Shame is an innocent emotion. Shame calls for kindness, a longing to be loved."
Absolutely!! Thank you.
Malignant shame is problem.
Are all those pornstars on the internet innocent, then?
Not if you sleep with your friends husband, and blame it on the alcohol. The shame only lasts until the next drink, the next downfall. And yet they keep drinking and never change. This "self-compassion" only works if there is change. If not, it can be used as an excuse to minimize the chaos you have caused.
@@zurc_bot "as an excuse to minimize the chaos you have caused" Narcissists and borderlines and psychopaths who do not have awareness about the damage they do by sleeping with friends' husbands - do not waste their times watching videos like this one. They don't spend time learning psychology and concepts such as self-compassion. Instead - their time is filled with sleeping with other people's husbands as primary focus in their lives, of chaos and drama.
The energy of shame is the wish to be loved - what a beautiful insight
❤
No one left to give love🌹Only Jesus
@@maritrnning5357Jesus is dead. Sick of all these Jesus billboards, Where’s he for Gaza and Ukraine? Your Jesus isn’t ever coming back for ANYONE
Beautiful and so liberating!!! ❤
@@maritrnning5357please stop this religion nonsense, it is this why people don't have compassion for others
I used to think I was depressed, anxious, had social anxiety or low self-esteem but only recently have I discovered that I've been living for decades in constant shame, it sabotaged my friendships, made me isolated and lead me to hurt others finding the root of your problem after such a long struggle brought me to tears
Bless you friend. This is deep work. Layer by layer, truth by truth. Innocense is our name.
It all just finally clicks.
Me too
" had social anxiety or low self-esteem but only recently have I discovered that I've been living for decades in constant shame, it sabotaged my friendships, made me isolated and lead me to hurt others" Yes. When I talk about toxic shame in social anxiety videos - people cannot grasp it due to veil over their face and filter like confirmation bias and anchoring bias. Socially anxious are brainwashed in childhood (ACoA and ACE) and toxic families and toxic ambient to self blame. And information that there is internalized malignant shame that stems from abuse - is the same information as if conspiracy theories and cognitive dissonance is preventing malignant ashamed people to realize that they are dealing with malignant shame. Same as fish in the water - that is unable to realize that it is water all around, not air nor space - since fish is not clever enough to develop walking genes or brain to develop space rocket and to leave aquamarine ambient or brain to become self aware. - These are all interchangeable: RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) = Social anxiety = Emotional Dysregulation = Complex Trauma = Toxic shame = After-effects of ACoA & ACE = After-effects of narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, mental abuse = Hypervigilance/hypovigilance = PureOCD = Unfavorable power dynamics = Trauma response = Trauma bonding = Neurodivergence = Spectrum, not binary thinking = Amygdala hijacking = Trauma triggers and flashbacks = being criticized for something you can't control = having high moral and ethical standards and enforcing them = someone random complains about our errors when we done superhuman efforts to avoid ALL mistakes which 98.5% percent of people never invest neither physically nor mentally = toxic person complaining and expecting us to know something for the first time without mistakes = Perfectionism = Protesting: someone toxic complaining without fair assessment and basing their protest on bias and prejudice and oversimplification = Protesting: trauma panic symptoms related in an attempt to express OUR OWN judgement and negative evaluation and holding criminals narcissists accountable for their crimes and hidden selfish agenda of exploiting others = Not conforming = Conforming (fawning) to unreasonable standards and neurotypical norms = Conforming to narcissistic abuser and psychopath who would punish us if we don't conform to their Coercive control, hidden agenda and manipulation and pathological lying = Being authentic true speaking the truth to fake people and toxic people who have hidden covert agenda to exploit others = being Agreeable (Big 5 personality trait) = being Open (Big 5 personality trait) = Being Neurotic (Big 5 personality trait) = being healthy, friendly and open to life and people = Attachment issues = Codependency = Listening to our gut feeling = Quiet BPD (PureBPD) = BPD Splitting = Inner critic = Imposter syndrome = Being exposed to Operant Conditioning of Negative reinforcement (rejection, cold shoulder) = Being exposed to Negative reinforcement Breadcrumbs hoping positive reinforcement will come instead = doing the best we can to avoid and mitigate negative reinforcement = Avoidance = Victim of false accusation and slander (overt or covert) = overcompensation and masking and making trauma and or abuse to be functional = being wounded and reacting to someone future faking our voids being fulfilled to hook us up to their lies = Self-referential thinking = identity being rooted in "I am not enough" instead of "I am enough" "People expect the quiet one to adapt to the loud people but not the other way around"
Today is the day I made this connection.
Bless the Tik Tok girl who shared this!
I was abused as a child and the consequences of it has been devastating - no matter what - college degree, jobs, “success” , travels, years and years of cognitive and/ or behavioral therapy I still struggle with it. I know that the root of it is the abuse and even though things are much better now I still struggle feeling not being good enough and ashamed for not measuring to “other people expectations. The shame I carry through the years is just exhausting at times. This guy talk is very honest and logical and I think that I knew that practicing self compassion when I am struggling helps. Now and then I give that 7 years old child a hug.😢
Sending you virtual hugs🤗
Same with me
Try EMDR
Same here! Thanks for posting. Forty years ago, it was difficult to find even a book about shame. Love Germer's work.
@@claudiademaldonado6824 I had EMDR and it was hard but ammmmmmazing! I love it and it helped me on many levels. Glad you did it too.
I think social anxiety is directly the result of shame. I feel very shameful while in social situations. Anxiety and shame are directly related
Agreed! For me it’s also a result of self rejection which is tied to shame. It really helps to practice self acceptance and watch out for those self judging thoughts.
I think you are right on the money
shame is fear of a past experience or emotional response to a past memory. Resulting in wanting to hide. Anxiety is also fear of an experience or emotional response that has or has not happened. both can come from the other. Fear of experiencing the shame around anxiety. or the anxiety around experiencing shame.
I’ve struggled with social anxiety my whole life. I didn’t realize shame was the issue until recently.
@@ceeeceee8753rejection from our family in early years (even if very subtle) usually underlies all of it. As children, we internalize everything and think it is our fault, is that there is something wrong with us if our parents don’t love us, see us, or understand us, in the ways that we need. It’s just a survival issue. But it feeds into all of these Sometimes devastating problems in our adulthood if we don’t recognize it and heal!
“May I be safe, may I be peaceful, may I be healthy, may I live with ease”
Yes!!!, 😊😊🎉🎉
Do you guys know others self-soothing phrases? 🥺
@@atypicalmatias “My anxiety is very normal human emotion. And I accept it.”
I was just doing this meditation today. Thanks to Sharon Salzburg for sharing it on KZhead! That’s how I found it.
You guys will be blown away by Russ Harris in ACT.
To everyone who was watching at the same time as me, Thursday, April 18, 2024 10:45 a.m. MST, I was here with you. Thanks to the lovely lady on TikTok for sharing that teary-eyed video.
That is exactly how I got here too! Divine Intervention!
im here too the exercise at the end had me bawling
She has a youtube channel! It's Ozley ASMR. She posts a lot of videos that help with anxiety :) Been watching her for years.
26 April
I have listened to this two dozen times through a very tough period of my life and it has literally saved my life.
Glad to hear it man🎉
❤
That's how I am with Near Death Experiences on KZhead. They've saved my life.
Saved my life. Shame could have ended me
“….Everyone feels shame. You are not alone. You may feel isolated and alone but you are not alone. Shame is a universal emotion” 🥰
💛
Reading the comments first; they do not disappoint
it’s such a powerful thing when a professor uses himself as an experience, it’s much more effective
Yes I certainly agree. Brings the abstract into practicality.
I am crying so much. All this while its been my innocent desire to be loved, seen and protected.
“Shame arises from the universal wish to be loved.”
I have studied shame and worked on my own for years. This is the most sensitive, intuitive and accurate description I’ve ever heard. Thank you!
your welcome kid
You got that right!❤
Holy Crap! The reason I haven't been able to heal all of my shame is because I have only wanted to be loved for who I am- as we all do. I have always felt unworthy of love based on my belief that who I am is not enough, too flawed, no way to become other than that, no matter how hard I try. I am learning loving kindness and self compassion practices, so I am seeing glimpses of hope. Thank you!
Your loved. 😊
❤❤❤
Last night. I didn’t think I could go on in life. I felt so alone and I felt like I deserved to feel this way. I’ve been battling with anxiety for about 3 years now. And I knew it deep down, but my anxiety is rooted in my shame and self-hate. This video was exactly what I needed. And intend to use the insightful words and exercise to hopefully one day become self-compassionate.
Wishing you lots of love and healing to keep going. I know how much anxiety can then become shame within. And that feeling of being alone is so very painful. Just hold on to how many of us are out there. You are worthy of kindness, warmth and recovery . Keep holding on
I hope you have someone to hold space for you. ♥️ You are worthy of love and compassion. It’s a battle to undo the programming but it CAN be undone. Keep fighting for yourself-you’re worth it. 😊
Wishing you lots of compassion and love. You are enough. You are worthy.
You can do that now you don't need " one day"
I’m so glad this video helped. I have also struggled with shame. If you’re ever feeling like you can’t go on, 988 is the number to the National suicide and crisis lifeline. Hopefully you can connect with someone. I’m happy you exist ❤
Shame has kept me isolated and in poverty. Feelings buried alive never die, so I have to face this shame to heal 😢 Its hard work. But so is poverty and isolation. blessings to everyone on this journey
Bless you
what helped me a lot was being radically honest about myself in a quite immature online community that was prone to shaming anyone who was different, anonymously ofc, I got to experience a lot of shaming and learned to become immune to it, now getting ready for the real life version 😅
I really needed this. My autism and adhd has in my life lead to so much shame for simply existing as I do, and now I can really pinpoint that shame is what it is. Thank you for this.
“Pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame” -Uncle Iroh
If you don’t know where this quote came from, you really need to find out
Dont make things that sound good to you out of your pockets have any credibility. No leave this marrtive that humility is good nonsense and stay in your pubble
The second part of this quote is powerful when one realizes that true humility is the understanding that each and every person is simultaneously equal and invaluable. If one is unable to connect with their inherent worth, then the humility they display is merely an act to appear humble... as a way of hopefully receiving love and acceptance from others. True humility can only arise from true self-worth (seeing through the illusion of unworthiness). Pride is not a cause, but a symptom of our unmet emotional needs - this is where religious philosophy gets it backwards. Healing our emotional wounds and traumas is how we address the root cause of "sinful" behavior.
Airbender
this is the truest thing I've seen online in a while, when I embraced shame I unlocked humility and defeated pride.
Brilliant. Thank you. We are all in this together. Whoever is reading this right now, remember YOU are not alone. Everyone here shares in shame-most difficult emotion. Never, ever forget our common humanity. ❤️
I’ve always isolated myself when going through tough times. He’s right, it’s lonely and debilitating. I listen to videos like this in an attempt to claw myself out of this inner turmoil and darkness. And seeing comments like yours reassures me that I’m going to be ok. Thank you. ❤
Yes!, thank you !! 😃😮😮😊❤
my top takeaways that resonate with me from this insightful truth: shame is not our fault but it is our responsibility. 15:41 mindfulness of shame is the first step to alleviating shame. it is knowing what we’re experiencing while we’re experiencing it with acceptance. shame is mostly invisible because we naturally dont want to see it. 18:09 what we resist persists but the good news is avoiding shame is more harmful than shame itself. when we stop avoiding shame and mindfully meet shame and ourselves with kindness, shame begins to recede 21:19 shame is an innocent emotion that calls for kindness. it arises from the desire to be loved. its universal. shame feels permanent and all-encompassing but its a temporary emotion. it represents a burden that we are carrying. it is not who we are. 26:10 these insights correspond to the three components of self compassion which are self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. when we experience these insights, we pierce these illusions. what are the illusions? shame feels blameworthy but it is an innocent emotion that calls for kindness and love. recaliming the wish to be loved is the first courageous act. alternative wordings may be : the need to belong, the need to he appreciated, respected, included. it is a vulnerable truth. what if we woke up in the morning and put our hand in our heart and said “just as all beings wish to be loved, so do i too now and throughout the day wish to be loved.” what would you see in other people from then on? would it change your relationship with others? it is a primordial wish to be loved. it opens the door to innocene then self-compassion. 33:54 shame is part of the human experience. this is common humanity. anyone in the same situation as you would feel the same way. in this feeling of shame you are not alone. you may feel isolated because thats the purpose of shame but the truth is you are not alone. everyone in the world wants to be loved and respected. 43:44 “i, like every other human just wish to be loved.” thank you chris for making this video🙆🏻♀️ you are a blessing to others.
Thank u ❤
Great notes! Thank you!
👏👏👏
"Shame can ruin our lives, shame can ruin other peoples lives." Wow, I have never heard this point of view. I appreciate this new take on anxiety, depression and trauma. Thank you.
Check out Tim Fletcher if you are interested in further insights on this topic :)
“Why not be that person who lives with the full moon in each eye that says ‘love me’?” What a beautiful image!
I cried listening to this. I hope one day to share with myself the compassion I share with others. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom on this platform, I highly respect you and your work.
i respect him for what he put out for free - you gotta pay dollars to learn it outside!
We had to forget the need to be loved because it didn’t work. What a relief to admit it and realize it’s the universal human condition. I can feel my shame at wishing for love from others decreasing as I listen to you. I can meet it with compassion. There’s nothing wrong with that wish to be loved. I am sending you love today, doctor. Thank you for your healing message. 🙏🏽💚
amen
I once heard someone say, “Shame is I am bad person and guilt is I did a bad thing.”
Cried during the exercise. Going through a heartbreak and I wish my mom was here. Thanks
I’m so sorry, wishing you healing and self love ♥️
@@Ninafvn thank you so much 🤍
I hope you feel better ❤. God is with you always 😊
@@sekinatabdulsalam3554 thank you so much 🤍
I’m so sorry. Praying for you. Your mom is with you always. ❤️
I was diagnosed with ADHD. I was neglected as a child. Weighed over 600lbs before the pandemic. The only reason why I was able to get help was because of disability. The people who took care of me knew it, but didn’t tell me because taking me to therapy interfered with them running the streets. I knew I was miserable but, didn’t want to put that energy out on other people. I went through college and some of graduate school thinking and being treated like I was dumb. My escape from shame and want to be loved came out in drinking and eating or sex. I’m getting help now. I’m recovering from the imposter syndrome caused by years of loving to learn but due to executive functions and shit. lol I thought everything came in one ear and out the other. Not as ashamed of myself as I was before. Lost over 200lbs in under a year. Best I have ever been.
Good work, I’m pulling for you
@@Adrian-yv1tethank you.
lets fucking go man. real shit. 200 lbs in a year is insane and recovering from the imposter syndrome is the real unseen gain. pulling for you too.
@@twinshk2 I am happy as hell. Going through exposure therapy is the real life saver. Everything is easier. I didn’t even know living with all of this undiagnosed had me on edge constantly.
What hit home hardest for me, is approaching others with the notion that everyone inherently wants to be loved. I seem to be constantly going into meetings on the defensive, seeing others coming from a place an aggressiveness(putting myself in a position of defensiveness, which lends to underlining insecurities of one’s self). I have seen time and time again that this perception of mine is flawed, but still have such a hard time breaking the cycle.What a great job reframing by this man.
totally can relate to this
@@luna_rkive me too
all aggression is rooted in fear, meaning they are also defensive, you probably seem aggressive to them as well tbh.
He nailed this! I had been feeling, what I thought was anxiety for quite sometime, and it turns out it was actually shame because I always felt so inadequate. Didn’t know I needed self-compassion this much till now. Thank you so much for your service, kind sir!
"Shame is what turns trauma into PTSD"
I came from that one tiktok video
Me too
Me three
Me four
With Complex trauma it's difficult to include kinship in the midst of suffering due to fear of judgement and trust.
You are a gift from the universe. I have been struggling so long with shame because of the way I’ve been treated and it’s gotten to the point where it’s weaved itself into my identity. Shame along with overthinking and feeling incompetent has really held me back from being at ease. It’s definitely limited my creativity because I’m constantly worried about how I’m being perceived and thought of. It’s crazy because I thought I’ve worked on this, but I realized I am still always beating myself up for something and I struggle to be kind to myself. This video really helps to break down shame and the practice at the end made me feel lighter. So many tears were shed during this video but i hope I can take in this advice and use it the next time the feeling of shame arises. Thank you, you’re amazing and this video is a rare gem.
I can relate to everything you just said. Thank you for sharing.
i actually feel so much better, as a gen z person who is pretty online, I often forget how much research and knowledge is avaliable to me on the internet, ive never actually sat down and watched a video this long in full, at least not in a long while to be connected to someone like this, someone so different from me is just an amazingly freeing feeling to simply be to feel human, to feel connected to other people in this emotion that is shame and to be able to let it go. thank you!
People are using “shaming” others these days for different things. Shaming if you disagree with another opinion or belief. Shaming for illness and needing treatment for that illness. 🥺😩 I cannot help where I am at in life. I was injured at the hands of a doctor/staff in hospital. Changed my life FOREVER in a completely negative way. Abused daily as a child. My mother left me on the side of a State Highway in Illinois when I was 4 years old. I turned out to be a very kind, compassionate person toward others and now I find myself in a horrible situation until death that is pain and suffering and having to live below poverty level for it. 🤷🏼♀️ I don’t understand LIFE.
What did the idiot doc do? Cute dog, yours?
I am sending you love
Stay strong, it can, and will get better
You’re so right. And the worst part is on some level we may feel responsible for everything and everyone because we carry the shame for the shameless ones too. We spend so much energy trying to make sense of the senseless…and grieving the lack of real justice, grieving the lack of caring in systems we cannot avoid. We need to do daily the opposite of all this non sense. We need to be extra caring towards ourselves and others and look for ways to find commonality and connection in these fragile times. ❤
I remember celebrating my nephews birthday my brother hit the mark looked at me and straight up said, "Are you a flogging nun or something? Why not be kind to yourself and my response was cause it hurts less. Also I am a nursing school dropout
I started crying when he talked about love, noone showed me love, I even didnt love myself, I was very hard on myself. Never thought about what positive things I have, always focusing on negative ones, cuz I was taught from others.
It's never too late to start loving ourselves. Your tears were a good start my friend. It's a process, it's undoing years of negative conditioning and what I find most helpful is to talk to myself the way I would talk to a dear friend, like the gentleman in the video suggested at some point. Good luck on your journey.
All my life, I have received joy, happiness and satisfaction/gratification from "when things went well for others". So I became a "yes" man at an early age and cultivated and propagated that. Can you help me, can you do this, can you give me a few minutes of your time, can you work some overtime, DO YOU HAVE SOME MONEY? All of these and more were responded to IMMEDIATELY with a yes, getting to the point of almost snapping to attention and saluting, ha ha. I always felt I was doing the right thing, regardless of how it put me out... and it did put me out, a lot. I had boundary issues which remain to this day. I still can't tell people no, to a great extent. I need help and it is getting late innings, if you get my drift.
I certainly know what you have been experiencing..the "people pleasing" necessity and the sense of fear when they're not placated. "To thine Ownself be True." Wishing you Courage, my Friend.
I have similar experiences regarding not being loved. I now work on being good to myself. It feels good. Good luck to you.
Sir we neeed you back! Start uploading again. We love and miss you ❤.
I have always known I struggled with shame - but on my lunch walk while listening to your video - “shame is an innocent feeling - it arises from a deep desire to be loved”…and all of a sudden I’m bawling 😂. Cathartic and a key to my continued growth - thank you for that sentence - and for this much-needed topic ❤
We can feel shame because we are mistreated or devalued by others - even if we did nothing wrong! When mistreated, we internalise those attitudes from others and then we feel bad about ourselves. Shame represents a burden part of us is carrying - but it is NOT who we are and it and it is a temporary feeling. I want to frame this...
I feel more bad for other people than I do for myself
I’ve been in shame spirals since a traumatic experience
In a time where it’s hard to find anything positive your Chanel has been a gift. Thank you EVER so much for sharing your wisdom. I have learned more from you for free in the comfort of my home than numerous trips to therapists. What a gift you are giving the world in a time where it’s hard to see the humanity. Thank you🙏 May you receive 10 fold what you are giving.
This explains all of my past relationships. Ive never had a real friend and so when some did reach out, I didnt know how to reciprocate and lost touch. I have also tolerated things that I should not have many times. Whoops
I feel shame on a constant basis. It doesn't matter what I do it think, I'm so ashamed of everything I do . I would be sitting and I would get flashbacks of my past behavior or choices and just feel a wave of shame. I try to feel self compassion for some of my self destructive pasty behaviors but I just don't seem to be able to forgive myself. I would verbally say, i forgive myself but the next moment, I just feel shame and self loathing. also when I interact with others, everything they say or do somehow makes me feel less than and ashamed about my own choices and so on. I have BPD. It's a terrible way to live.
Check out Jerry Wise. He has a video about accepting your not being ready to forgive yourself and the paradoxical effect it tends to have in helping you become more ready. Its on his You Tube channel under the title: "The Power of Self Acceptance".
This is literally exactly what I am going through right now as well. I hope you are feeling better.
I hope you are feeling better - one thing to remember - your thoughts are not you. Our thoughts are like out of control teenagers running around in our head. If you can acknowledge the thoughts as that at let them go it can help. Your thoughts are not you and controlling them totally isn’t possible - we can have them feel them and let them go every time. That’s a compassionate act on the self. Sometimes all the self help stuff makes us feel we should be able to control our thoughts - we can’t control them but acknowledge them for what they are
Thank you guy for your advices. I appreciate them.
I scared my shame away when i told it, as if it were a person separate from me, that itself is shameful, then it got scared and shut up because it knows i can shame it back. Sounds silly but it works sometimes.
In my personal, vast experience with shame, I can tell you this guy KNOWS what he is talking about and is worthy of listening to and has valuable information to share.
“Shame Is a self conscious emotion with negative self-evaluation” 💡” so SHAME means I’m imagining in my mind what you are imagining in your mind about me - and it’s not good” For me that was the LIGHT IN THE DARK , that came through the crack in my isolation
I've been ashamed most of my life I suffered sexual mental and physical abuse from a small child and have never believed I am good enough I had lots of therapy over the years and when I get triggered the shame comes quick and fast and then I put more shame on myself because I'm feeling shame thank you so much for all you said I will certainly try my best to have compassion for myself love and light
Yes, yes and yes. I have been treated so badly and the shame is hard to shake off. Thank you for this very helpful video.
AN INSPIRED AFFIRAMTION FOR MYSELF: I quietly, explicitly, and repeatedly offer compassionate words to myself.
I felt so loved just by watching your video Thank you for sitting here for almost an hour teaching us how to make our lives better ♥️🙏🏻
when he started describing the physicalaspect of shame, I felt so seen
I actually call them "shame attacks" they usually happen after any interaction with others. They also happen after i drink alcohol, though they can also be trigerred by many many things.
Summary Self-compassion is presented as an antidote to shame. The speaker shares personal experiences and explains the concept of self-compassion and its benefits. They also discuss the nature of shame and its impact on individuals. Highlights Self-compassion is a powerful tool for managing difficult emotions, particularly shame. Self-compassion is not selfishness or weakness, but rather a way of treating ourselves with kindness and understanding. Shame is a self-conscious emotion with negative self-evaluation. Shame can be caused by external mistreatment or our own actions, but it should not be a life sentence. Mindfulness is the first step towards alleviating shame and cultivating self-compassion. Self-compassion can help reduce shame’s negative effects and improve well-being in various areas of life, including relationships and the workplace.
26:10 Shame is an innocent emotion because it arises from a wish to be loved. "The energy of shame is the wish to be loved." (He also discusses that "wish to be loved" may be specifically felt as 'need to belong' or 'need to be respected' etc)
This goes deep and you’re explaining is so clear. So compassionate of you to share your own feelings on this topic. Thanks!
Self-absorbtion, isolation, self-doubt - nail on the head that sums up my struggles. Isolation is a kind of pride also, "I'm special, unique". It is very very recently that I actually started identifying that what I might be struggling with is traumatic shaming from childhood and teenage years. Very important trail to follow for self-healing. I am happy I have stumbled upon your video. ...And the kid just wanted to be loved... but the parents didn't quite know how to offer that. So the father kept saying: what's wrong with you, you're weird, you will always be an idiot digging holes" and the step mother said: you're just like your father, always thinking about yourself. You should compromise and admit you're faulty, repent. Listen to that for 20 years, you have a good chance of internalizing it.
"Accepting shame as universal and as the result of our longing to be loved" is such an amazing lesson. A million thank yous!
I didn’t come here from tiktok, youtube recommended the video. But I bet all of the traffic from people coming here from TT caused the youtube algorithm to push this video into my feed. Isn’t that beautiful? One person sharing a resource on one platform has had such a big ripple effect. a rare positive result from algorithms.
I believe this is at the cutting edge of psychology/m.health/self help today. This is the missing piece. Shame & self compassion. I have recently started 'visiting' my body, inside, where it tenses or hurts with fear, overwhelm, anger etc. I breathe into it to soften it, I talk to it, ask it what it is storing and trying to show me and why. Soon as I started to do this it was as if a doorway creaked open and self compassion/self love came flooding in. I am now researching all things somatic healing, self compassion, nervous system trauma release hot on the heels of my revelations with mindfulness. And of course shame. Like the silent killer within us all we never talked about and its antidote self compassion we were too busy to ever take seriously. Inner child = the subconscious = the body -when you find the key it all unlocks 💞💥🌄
Out of respect for your non-christian viewers, you might refrain from ''Adam and Eve' references. Thank you.
@@elizabethk3238 I have made no 'Adam & Eve' references and I don't recall him doing so and if he did it would be symbolic wouldn't it
Thanks so much for sharing your experience and your optimism about this breakthrough for All of us. I've also been having some breakthroughs in allowing myself to feel love and support inside my body/self. I especially love your imagery of the doorway creaking open . . . and self compassion flooding in.
This is a beautiful video and it’s been wonderful to read all the kind and supportive comments. I’ve been operating with tremendous self-contempt for a long time. No wonder I feel so bad.
Practice at 38 mins 🌹🙏
A few years ago I suffered huge addiction to a substance. It almost killed me , the shame afterwards was even worse than the addiction. I self condemned myself almost every day but as time went on, I accepted the love of Christ and overcame it. Watching this video made me realize that the shame still lingers and affects me sometimes. I feel whole this evening from the exercise and all I can say is healing from anything takes some time and a lot of self compassion. Thank you for this Dr Chris.
Suberb. We still channel shame as a child would., As adults, we can say, "Your criticism of me is well-founded and I can correct my mistake" or "This critique does not reflect upon me. It is your opinion only and doesn't affect me." This too is helpful.
This is absolutely brilliant! Thank you so much for recording that! It's super helpful! I feel so lucky to stumble on that video💙
great point about shame is desire to be loved. Makes sense. Thanks.
What if we feel self hatred. Part of me doesn’t want to heal the shame, it doesn’t think I deserve to be loved. There’s lots of internal anger towards myself and the more I try to be compassionate towards myself the more it resists… I don’t know how to move forward from this
Sit with it. Feel the emotion in your body. Get out of your head and in your body. Then offer yourself the self compassion. Do it everyday.
You'll get there. Not thinking you deserve that love is also a symptom of shame. All humans deserve love, you are not an exception
31:55 Details on exercises we could do to keep the need to be loved in our minds, great stuff
How did it work for you ?
My every choice in life has been in service to avoiding the pain of my deep toxic shame. Where I've lived, where I've worked, the people I have and have not associated with. Its liked I've missed out on what I would have liked to do with my life.
Thank you!
thank you so much! i experience immense relief from the shame episodes that happened years ago and kept coming back with the same level of intensity over and over again.. I hope i will be able to turn off the hiding mechanism now as it developed into avoidant behaviour keeping me from meeting new people and taking life opportunities. I feel endlessly grateful for this revelation. To anyone reading this and struggling with the same problems - you are not alone
You want to turn off your 'default mode network' - is like turning off your skill to ' walk' - we learned this toxic shame as toddlers - its in us forever- your stuck with a broken toddler - teach your inner child to laugh and be his/her best friend- thats how i turn it off
The shame episodes have ruined my life and continue to do so, how do I get better? Please give me advice
@@mikey3666 hey Mikey, I have been continuing to learn about my condition and I found that there is a concept of CPTSD to describe childhood trauma. I can say that after years of research this framework seems to be the most helpful. I strongly recommend you to read the book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. Not only it gives you the clear concept of how the trauma works, it teaches you deep understanding of the mechanisms that trigger trauma driven behaviour. It is aimed to teach you to recognize and systematically fight off shame, tackle panic attacks and overall - really work on the root of the trauma response. I hope you will find it helpful!
I feel shame all my life. The way I look, the way I talk, my whole being. I’m trying to reach my dream, but shame and anxiety make every steps so painful. I hit myself whenever I feel like I made mistakes. Thanks for the video. Maybe I can think of ways to feel peace with myself
Keep practicing self-compassion (I'm trying too)! Feel for you, take care
THIS WAS INCREDIBLE! As self compassion goes up, shame goes down! I have shame induced perfectionism. My perfectionism is driven by shame. I hold myself and others to impossible standards. I would love to buy your book as I continue learning about how to love myself as I am.
Thank you so much for this. I can feel the compassion in your voice. I've returned to this video a few times. It's... a bit of an emotional journey reliving the hundreds of shameful memories of my past, but I can feel it making them lighter every time. So thanks for this small gift.
I cant't believe this stuff is on YT FOR FREE! THANKS!
28:05 Explains the first illusion of shame, that it feels blameworthy but actually calls for self compassion, followed by exercise
Thank you. I have cptsd from childhood abuse that continued into adulthood. I couldnt understand the shame i feel and it helps to know it comes from the need for love and acceptance that i never got. Im also just ashamed for anyone to know the dirty secret of my past that i disguise under a mask of normality which leads me to feel like an imposter. Lovingkindness and Tara Brach have helped so much. My mother just passed away this week.. she was my only confidante. Im glad i found your videos on giving myself love ad wishing myself all the things i wish for others. ❤
Sounds hard to lose a parent
Thank you, Chris. This information and practice has helped me to have a massive shift and understanding of what has been keeping me prisoner inside of myself for so many years. I realized that the mechanism of shame has very effectively been covering my true self. The beauty of what I am receiving from your approach is that instead of separation from this part of myself, I feel gratitude and the befriending of shame as the key to unlocking my true self that has lied buried and unexpressed and at this point very much suffocated. It can be so easy to want to dismiss these emotions and keep them invisible, however to really see them and approach them with self-compassion, as you say, is so profoundly beneficial and transformational. Thank you very very much.
This gave me goosebumps and a lot to think about...
Dear Dr Germer good day. Thank you indeed ever so much for your eminent and empathic contribution to all of us. Please know that your healing lessons are going far beyond you can imagine, in helping traumatised fellow humans go a step further in our effort towards consciousness and healing. I am deeply grateful to you.
It is very important the invisibility characteristic of shame, because it leads us to undernotice it and consequently not addressing it. Loved this video. Thank you very much for your help!!!!!
Thank you for posting this talk. My piano fluency coach, who puts rhythm first, uses this teaching to help with our embarrassment when we try to 'let go' of self-criticism and shame and express ourselves rhythmically. There's a powerful inner voice asking nastily, 'Who do you think you are?'. The practice works.
Thank you Christopher for offering your wisdom and insights - we all wish to be loved. Offering ourselves in mindful awareness, self-compassion with a sense of common humanity when we feel inadequate, incapable, sad, ashamed, fearful and vulnerable can dissolve the fear of not being accepted or loved. Seeking acceptance and love using harmful behaviours tends to push people away eventually, which leaves us feeling very lonely and unloved.
I told myself "You are doing your best". I needed to hear that.
I suffer from a deep shame… My mother allowed my grandfather to whoop me as a child. She never set any boundaries and didn’t mention it to my father until I had a breakdown. It’s tough but I’m learning to forgive.
My older siblings bullied me into a state of feeling hated then said they would show me affection afterwards if I did embarrassing things , then laughed at me for doing them. I am still dealing with this core trauma wound into my 50's. You are not alone and I wish you peace and to know you have great value and are worthy.
@@milarepa1234567 You are also not alone, feel for you, take care
My mother and older sister were the queens of Shame. I told myself that it’s okay, I am human and not perfect. I don’t need to be perfect to be loved and my heart is still the same despite feelings of shame. I used to want to end my life and eat a bunch of food to make myself feel better. I would also be hyper sexual and beat myself up
Yeah I hear you, to carry the shame for so many years is exhausting, exhausting to the extent that it wears you down. We can either implode in dark internal rumination, or flower in the Light of Life and Love. Radical self-acceptance is the way. These insights are what came up for me - "Why do I have so many conditions that must be met before I can be happy, or before others can be happy with me?" What would happen if I removed all the reasons I have for not being able to be happy right now? What would happen if I inspected the logic of these apparent obstructions to present happiness, are they necessary and justified? If I inspect these conditions and reasons for being unhappy, shameful and anxious, do they actually make sense? are they still valid under scrutiny? These conditions we put on self-acceptance and permission to be able to relax and feel good, to feel enough, to feel like you matter, are just the same style of conditional love we received from our parents, we are still holding on to that structure and it is shaping our reality, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy loop, deluding us further and seeming to confirm these negative core beliefs. Saying these powerful things to ourselves with genuine loving kindness is a powerful self-healing tool. I am enough. I am good. I am important. I am worthy. I am understood. I am strong. I am intelligent. I am loving. I am loved.
I am safe.
Thank you
This has opened my view on a lot of my behaviors. I used to be very depressed and ashamed of myself when I was younger and it was hard to recover but I did. In truth I never really connected my pain and shame to my behaviors aside from the destructive ones. Your talk has shown me that maybe part of the reason I avert gazes and why I talk quietly could be learned behaviors from my time being terribly ashamed of myself. Now that I've worked on understanding my trauma I think I need to work on relearning behaviors that I inadvertently taught myself through the years. Thanks mister and I hope you have a good day. :)
I have always felt that self compassion is utterly disgusting and self indulgent. Exercising self compassion is torment, the shame is fighting back tenfold. I think I need to be brave but this bravery is yet to be discovered
Self compassion exercise begins at 37:00 :)
Thank you
Cannot wait for your book !!!!
This is really the most compassionate talk I’ve ever heard on shame… thank you for guiding us through it in ourselves with so much earned wisdom and grace. Thank you, and so grateful for you. I will be returning to this video over and over.
I agree!!!
You did a great job explaining compassion and shame. Thank you so much for this, this was incredibly eye opening.
I know this to not be an overstatement when I say I will remember the effect and impact of this video for as long as I consciously live onwards. Thankyou, Sir Christopher. This is nothing less than a gift to humanity you offer free of cost. Thankyou! Every word of this hour-long video resonated with deep within. I feel blessed, released, and grateful for finding this and I look forward to practicing this for as long as I'd need to. Thankyou, Sir!
Thank you thank you thank you! What an important gift it is to know about self-compassion, and kindness towards oneself when we're feeling shame. I've been listening to all your meditations, they are lovely, and have really helped me to feel better.
00:07 🧘 Introduction to Self-Compassion Self-compassion as an antidote to shame. The growth of interest in self-compassion over the years. Personal experience with self-compassion and its impact. 04:09 🧘 Self-Compassion vs. Mindfulness Differentiating self-compassion from mindfulness. The importance of self-compassion in addressing intense emotions. The role of mindfulness in self-compassion. 08:23 🧘 Components of Self-Compassion Kristen Neff's three components of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, self-kindness. The opposite qualities of self-absorption, isolation, and self-criticism. The significance of these components in understanding self-compassion. 10:10 🧘 Understanding Shame Defining shame as a self-conscious emotion with negative self-evaluation. The difference between guilt and shame. The evolutionary function of shame in human survival. 12:59 🧘 Trait Shame vs. State Shame Differentiating between adaptive, state shame and pervasive trait shame. How mistreatment and cultural influences contribute to trait shame. The idea that shame should not be a lifelong burden. 16:13 🧘 Effects of Shame The impact of shame on psychological well-being and behavior. How shame can lead to avoidance behaviors and hinder personal growth. The role of self-compassion in addressing and reducing shame. 19:41 🧘 Recognizing and Mindfully Approaching Shame The invisibility of shame and the importance of recognizing it. Internal and external manifestations of shame. The significance of naming shame as a step towards alleviating it. 24:12 🪞 Understanding Shame and its Effects Shame involves feelings of mistrust, unworthiness, and incompetence. Shame can lead to rumination and self-absorption, making it challenging to repair relationships. Self-compassion can offer new insights into shame. 27:34 🤗 The Innocence of the Wish to Be Loved Shame is rooted in the universal wish to be loved or appreciated. Reconnecting with the wish to be loved can be a courageous act on the path to self-compassion. Recognizing this wish in yourself and others can foster a sense of common humanity. 37:07 🙏 Self-Compassion Exercise: Self-Compassion Break for Shame The exercise focuses on mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness. Acknowledging and validating shame as a common human experience. Connecting with the universal wish to be loved and offering self-kindness as a response to shame. 52:16 🙌 Conclusion and Self-Care Recognizing the challenges of addressing shame but emphasizing the power of mindfulness and self-compassion. Encouraging self-care and nurturing oneself after engaging with shame-related emotions.
thank you so much for this!
I'm been reading Self Compassion by Neff and working on developing it in therapy. I was assigned this video by my therapist. I just want to say I appreciate you and the work you do!
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say those things a compassionate loved one would tell me and make them genuinely come from my heart. I immediately thought of all the wrong things I’ve done. All the ways I could’ve done better. Maybe I’m not ready yet to let go of shame and guilt..
Maybe try to think of a less shameful event, where it might be easier to be self-compassionate. With gentleness you can do this.