i have no guy friends... and you shouldn't either
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In this episode, Elle discusses the importance of women reassessing their male friendships. She explores the concept of 'guy friend purge', shedding light on how such friendships can be disadvantageous and even dangerous to women. Elle takes us through several points including the hidden romantic feelings often present, the use of women as status symbols, and the potential threats to women's safety. She also delves into the concept of 'Canopy ministry', the negative impact on self-esteem, and the need for women to reclaim their inherent value and worth. This frank discussion is a call to action for women to redefine their boundaries and expectations, and to wake-up to their self-worth.
Keywords: i have no friends, friendships, adult friendships
Let's be honest, if you are pretty, your male friends would want to date you but if you are ugly they wouldn't even wanna be friends with you .
Yes
That's what I've been saying 😂 if you look better than all his girlfriends that's a red flag. Or even if you look on the same level, he sees you as a potential FWB/partner
nah, I had ugly female friends in my workplace, but I agree with you if they pretty, would want to date
💯💯💯
Water is wet statement, lookism is omni present lol
All male friends I've ever had were either waiting in the wings for their "chance" or in competition with me and perpetually trying to prove that I'm inferior to them because I'm a woman. All of them.
😮
I had the same experience
Literally this! I can say the same thing for all men I’ve ever encountered that I’m not related to.
OMG YES ESPECIALLY THE GUYS FRIENDS WHO HAVE AN COMPETITION WITH ME
Omg why did I think I was the only one.
I genuinely believe that women and men can be friends but WAYYY too many men become friends with a girl just to ask her out eventually or to make people think they are together.
exactly 😭 👏 that's why boundaries are so important!!!
There is no such thing as an opposite sex friend, unless they are 400 pounds or over the age 60. They are a back up option. Plain and simple.
@ Nono38-jj1tk sometimes that doesn’t even matter. This older guy would always be at my job , we would have conversations from time to time. He was cool until he started asking to take me on dates & telling me he could buy me a house 😭. Men are disgusting no matter the age honestly.
Or they want to use you as a free therapist to dump all their emotional problems.
@@Nono38-jj1tkfor you maybe but unless the feeling are mutual and you are inlove with 2+ boys and 2+boys are inlove with you, that isn't true for everyone
True male friends are rare. Most are just waiting in the wings...
🫶🏽
fr they're like vultures 💀
@@Blackpill149sounds like you have your priorities straight ❤️🔥👏 if you expect nothing and they expect nothing, then it’s more likely you could have a good friendship going where you both support each other
And they practice patience. It's actually insane.
Yeah. I’ve had two that explicitly said they would if I gave them a chance. Which is so annoying. I just feel like they’re waiting for a chance that isn’t happening.
I have male associates but not friends. Unless they're friends from childhood and you literally see them as a brother and they see you as a sister (which is rare), I don't think women should give men their friendship. Being cordial and polite is enough.
Thissss 🫶🏽 boundaries ✨
YESSSS OMG YESSS
I needed to read this, I was starting to feel crazy bout thinking this . Lol
Sorry, but based on the amount of !ncest pron is out there, I’d wager that most dudes claiming to see a female childhood friend as a sister is just biding his time. Feel free to disagree
I don't know anything about pron, but men are always biding their time. Always. Even the meekest man is just biding his time until he reveals that he has been secretly preying on you. I thought I was safe with a work acquaintance of several years, until he told me, "I think you're pretty." I was so pissed and shocked. I ignored what he said, looked at my watch, and asked, "What time is it?" If he was going to treat me like my thoughts didn't matter, then I was going to treat him like his thoughts didn't matter. He got married. Proximity is not a relationship. @@Emiliapocalypse
I was always a girls girl and I didn't have many male friends in my life. But I decided to try it and I used to hang out with my friend from college. Then one day while we were hanging out, we were in his car he started acting weird and touching me in a way friends don't do. Then I realized he was just a patient wolf waiting. I ain't doing that anymore. No thank you. I like my girls. Men can't understand me anyway.
Same I was such a girly girlies girl until my teens when the pick me girl emerged and I became enamored with the idea of having guy friends. And now I'm trying to find my way back to the version I once was that not only had female friendships, but that was also the only thing I could envision? The idea of having male friends was completely absurd to me. I'm in this weird no man's land in between now where I'm no longer a pick me girl but I'm not that girly girls girl either. I have no idea to find my way again lol
@@cm-yu6guI am just open to the universe that i will find my sisters ^^
@@cm-yu6gu omg yes! I wanted to have guy friends so much because it was "cool". But every single guy that I used to be friends with wanted to date me or use me as a status symbol, like Elle said. I am also on the way to be spoiled girly. Find new friends( that support this mindset) and cut off or distance your pick me friends. That's my advice 😂
That reminds me of the guy friend I had who kept insisting on having me sit in his car alone with him, not even to go anywhere in particular, but just to sit in the parking lot with him inside his car. It was so fucking weird. So I almost got into a similar situation as you. Then, after 2 or 3 weeks of him unsuccessfully trying to pressure me into sitting in his car with him (while also making weird comments about me), I met one of his other female friend when the three of us were sitting at the cafeteria, and he tells me, "You know, she came to my car." A week later, they started dating, and he ghosted me. Then, after almost a year, he randomly started talking to me again through Snapchat while he was living in his military base in Hawaii, and after a few months of us talking, he tells me that he had gotten over his girlfriend "months ago (basically when he started talking to me again)" but they still haven't broken up. I told him straight up that I felt sorry for his girlfriend, and he stopped talking to me for good. 😂 I don't feel bad for hurting his feelings. He's said much worse things about me and his other friends, and I still feel bad for his girlfriend at the time.
@@elizrebezilmadommdo1662 this male friend of mine also has a thing for sitting alone in his car?? What ?
You can see this when youre in a relationship with a man & he doesnt like that you have guy 'friends' because he, too, is a man and he understands WHY they want to be your 'friend'.
only 1 man can claim you, dont let it be your male 'friend'.
THISSS!
YUP!
TRUE! I purged out all my guy friends cuz of my bf's insistence. In the beginning of our relationship I didn't see his view point, and thought he was just paranoid, but I still did it on my own accord cuz I wanted to respect my man more than some random guy friend. And honestly it's a game changer and I'm starting see his view point more clearly😊
facts
They use you to get other chicks, get attention, get status, look like a stud, lie and say they are dating you ruining your reputation. NO! Get high value gfs
exactly... if they aren't after you... they are hanging out to take some of what you are brining to the table.. your friends! your invites, your parties, your trips. Understanding the purpose of a man and how they play in a woman's life is the KEY to leveling up. Raise your standards... receive at your level.
@@zah936what do you guys mean by male friends ruining our reputation?
@@fran791that by him pretending to be ur bf ruins ur chances with better guys I think
@milodavis9820 agree. They are quite creepy actually when they don't get what they want. Soon that nice guy mask falls off and they get nasty. Thinking that because they're 'nice' girls owe them. Why I respect bad boys and assholes and not nice guys. The assholes are upfront and not trying to white knight you. You know where you stand.
Sooooo true !! I had a guy friend literally tell me he wanted to take me out downtown to clubs because it helps him get other girls because other girls want you when you’re with a pretty girl. He literally offered to get my nails done and give me some $$ to go out with him. I didn’t do that .. I did go with us and other girl/guy friends as a group on a boat trip earlier this summer and I found out he was telling people we had been together sexually. I was so mad about that. Yes some guy “friends” definitely lie that they’re sleeping with you .
I had the sweetest kindest male friend (also coworker) who made me believe that this is absolute bullcrap, men can be great friends. Then he got stoned and sexually assaulted me even though our friendship was entirely platonic. He walked away scot-free and I lost all bonds I had with most of my coworkers that day. This video genuinely made me cry, I wish I believed this before.
I'm really really really sorry my dear, I hope you are safe now and that you heart find peace again 🤍 You didn't deserved none of that!
I hope you are fine and in a safe place now. This makes me so angry.
I'm so sorry that happened to you ❤ i pray God's healing and overwhelming love on you
Im so sorry, dear. You dont deserve that ❤
so because you had 1 bad experience aout of 4 billion men, now you hope you would have believed some random nonesense
Learning to stop having male friends is one of the most important lessons I’ve ever learned. I swear every single time the guy ended up liking me or I liked them and it wasn’t reciprocated. It never worked and it was nothing but drama, so I’m done with it. Female friends only. If a guy likes me, he’ll ask me out. Not want to be buddies.
Exactly. it’s another form of low effort when they do that!! Trying to get something for nothing
@@milodavis9820It’s not, but that’s what the dating phase is for. The problem is that with these “friendships”, if the guy likes the girl, he isn’t upfront at all about his intentions. These “friendships” go on for years with the dynamic of a pseudo relationship. The guy most likely chose the friendship route because he didn’t have enough confidence to outright ask her out and felt he needed time for her to feel comfortable with him before doing so. Or he wanted the perks of a pseudo relationship without any commitment attached until he’s ready to commit. And this is a bigger problem that can lead to danger for a lot of women: men approaching a woman they like under the guise of being friends when they really want to be with them, then getting upset when the time and energy invested doesn’t pay off once they confess. Sometimes it works, most times it doesn’t.
@@milodavis9820you can get to know them without labelling it as friendship. Acquaintances are a thing. Only the USA puts so much pressure on calling someone you don’t dislike “a friend”. I don’t know where you’re from, but in most Europen and Asian countries, you can know someone, like them, see them, and still not be friends. Friendship is a responsibility and not a title. Friendship is when you open up emotionally and become vulnerable. Friends are there to depend on when things aren’t going well. Acquaintances aren’t.
@@milodavis9820and, on the other hand, how much do you need to know someone before expressing that you’re interested in them romantically? I don’t think it takes a year or something. A month, two at most. Someone else replied to a different comment of yours saying that you have a “try it out first” mentality and it’s obvious in every comment. You have commitment problems. You’re afraid of making a bad decision and acknowledging it and moving on. You’re afraid of rejection so you want to be 1000% sure that you’re not making a mistake. But that’s not viable, because by the time you become overt with your intention of dating them, time’s already up and whatever happens is neither beneficial to you or the other person.
@@Rosetta-gp9mkI agree! If you really like someone, you usually know that pretty early on and maybe need like one or two months at most. You can just casually talk to someone and be friendly with them and if you're vibing, you're gonna feel it anyway. You don't have to be friends for a year or so first before knowing you want to be with someone. I know a guy with this "try it out first" mentality who wants to be friends with women first and if it turns into more, that's great, but if not, you still won a friend. And while this doesn't sound bad at first, I still find it weird for a guy to claim at first that he's ONLY platonically interested in you, but then there's still this underlying hope it could turn into more. It just doesn't seem genuine and like he could switch moods at any moment. One moment he's just acting like a platonic friend, but then sometimes his desire to be closer to you still shines through. While with a guy who's genuinely into me, he's friendly with me and starts talking to me, but also doesn't claim to be only platonic and just goes with the flow and if he senses a chance I could like him back, he asks me out after a while.
What I recieved from male friendships: gaslighting, grooming, sexual coercion, coercion into romantic relationships, being treated like a purchased prostitute, a backup girlfriend or a free therapist. what I recieved from female friendship: understanding, comfort, community, fun, moral support, safety, encouragement, the knowledge that someone is watching out for me and genuinely cares about my wellbeing.
This!
Thats because men and women are supposed to be social for dating in close friendships. Men and women cany just be friends without boundaries
I've recently realised all of my male friends only reach out when they want a therapist or to ask me for professional advice that will help them make more money. Like I should be charging them therapy and consultancy fees by the hour at this point.
@@rhiannondavies4741 You can probably say this about many women also.
You're lucky. What I get from some girl friends are jealousy and backstabbing.
Behind every guy who "got friendzoned" is a girl who thought she had a friend. My dad died 2 years ago so i moved back to my home town. I was still in touch with an ex, he was in a relationship so i didn't feel threatened at all and he stepped up and was my 'friend' for over a year. Until i mentioned i was talking to another guy. This man had dumped his girlfriend, WHO HAD A KID THAT HE HAD BECOME A FATHER FIGURE TO, *the day he found out my dad died*, didnt tell me about it, proceeded to hang around me for a year making me think i had a friend, and went psycho when he learned i had found someone (that guy was trash, but thats another story.)
Friendship between former lovers don't exist. It's either one or both of them are holding other as a "backup plan" or still have feelings lingering
@@annara686 Damn! I remember when Bruce and Demi got divorced they seemed so cool and I thought that's how I'd like to be with my future exes. I was only a young teen and knew I'd have more than one BF in life. Now I realise my past relationships ended for a reason and I have no desire to spend any time with any of my exes. The very best I could ever manage would be some polite small talk before swiftly moving on. And there's a few that really would be better off being sparred the things I COULD say to them, but choose not to.
There are no valid All of Never statements, just Oftentimes statements.
That guy sounds like a crazy criminal waiting to happen
Sounds like you have consistently bad choice in men
i think the key is being friendly but not friends. there's a nuance. there's no reason to open up to them.
I agree with this. I have 2 guy friends to whom I never open up and that's why we are still friends. As long as you only hang out with them for a certain purpose like playing videogames or chatting during a break at your job or something there is no point in putting in any more energy than that.
See that is where I slip up. As soon as I'm friendly, polite, cordial with a man they get all excited and think it's a gateway into something else. A simple hello already puts me in the dangerzone for their hopium. I literally have no idea how to be around men and they don't have any sneaky underlying intentions to make it anything more. It's exhausting. Every interaction with the opposite sex feels polluted by this dishonest undercurrent of hidden desires or an uneasy feeling like I have to have my guard up all the time. Part of me just can't wait to be married so I can finally be taken and off the market (cause other men respect another man more than they do you) and not be lying when I say I'm taken. And another part of me just wants to hide from society altogether and not deal with anyone ever at all 😭
@@x3AnimeFanXDtrue opening up to men in general, any relationship, boyfriend or friend, open yourself up to these silly men and you will see how they WEAPONIZE IT, against you, even things that are over the line, they will say it all. Never forget they have testosterone, that impacts, how they relate and empathize, sympathise, to other people, especially women, open your heart to your therapist, your mum, female friends, not no damn man.
@@x3AnimeFanXDThat's how men are with their male friends. When they want emotional support, they go to women. I have three older brothers and I've learned the hard way that looking for equitable emotional support from men is a waste of time. You're right to keep it simple.
@@milodavis9820 Dude, you’re writing PARAGRAPHS under every other comment. This is for women, not men. You’re literally proving her point.
I'd be skeptical of this advice if it didn't actually happen to me. In engineering university, my male best friend and I were like peas & carrots. We were cute faced, chubby, friends. We go our own ways after graduation. Years later, I lose the weight, he's getting out of a divorce and we catch up. He told me (with regret) he used me against his now ex-wife to make her feel bad. Compare her to me. How much fun & how "cool" I was. She'd look me up on social media. Make her feel insecure about her looks and career accomplishments. Poor girl, I'd only met her once before and now I know why she had a bit of a pained look in her eyes when she met me.
So why did he not pursue YOU instead? Why do you think he acted that way?
@@FoundSheep-AN He's never pursued me, not even back in college. We just never crossed that line. I don't know why he acted that way with his ex, he was just using me as ammunition against her.
He's such a jerk wtf
@@FoundSheep-AN probably thought she was too good for him, or she had better options
Men do that all the time, until they lose their wives like that. Then, they grow up.
WE NEED A TUT ON HOW TO NURTURE YOUR FEMALE FRIENDSHIP AND IDENTIFY YOUR REAL GIRLIES 😭💞
She has an episode on that .. don't remember the title though
please @ me when someone finds it
First thing, stop putting your girlfriends on an unrealistic standards.
@thelilppthatcouldyup I used to be okay with the fact that my “best friend” and I had a relationship where we would not talk for ages and come back together with no weird energy, which is completely fine with me bc I like my space and I’m pretty introverted. I still value my friendships and I like to have small convos throughout the months. We would obviously send each other memes and stuff but not all the time. It was until I realised I was the only one planning dates, calling and messaging her. She never ever invited me out unless it’s her birthday. She invited me to her house ONCE when she had no money to buy food, I was so generous to find a solution for her to make sure she was okay but it wasn’t the same for me. She basically saw me as naive and went with it. She would try to sabotage me slightly, she didn’t really give me any tough love advice, she was way too passive and that’s what made it weird. We’ve been friends for years and I always considered her a very close friend. I realised she was lowkey jealous and in secret competition with me. I’ve become A LOT more attractive over the years to the point I’m always getting male attention and I think it intimidates her because I used to be the least attractive. There was even a time she was going on a trip and she invited everyone else and invited me LAST minute, in my mind I should’ve at least been the 1st or 2nd person to come to but nah, she waited and I cancelled because I thought how fucked up it was. She didn’t really want me to come so I didn’t go. Her trip didn’t go well and she complained the whole time. She called me up about what happened for the tea to gossip about another girl she invited that I thought she didn’t really like. It was weird. I stopped reaching out and liking stories because I realised how fake she was over the years, she hid it so well but even people around me were telling me how jealous she was. I’m basically done. Even though me and her get along and we talk about everything, I don’t see the point in carrying her along on my journey. She’s a user and would want to benefit from the lifestyle that I plan to have. My intuition tells me she needs to be dropped, so that’s what I’m doing. I’m going to find new friends and do me.
God I feel this... All my female friends would date my exes, the one was trying to convince this one guy not to date me... In my experience I've only ever had women friends that were competitive with me. I have not been able to find a good female friend =[. I feel like I never set unrealistic standards too. My one friend would just constantly put me down about how much prettier she was than me hah. Or is that the realistic standard you need to have? Hah
Elle you’re seriously helping me change my life SO much. I dropped toxic male “friends” who were just waiting to take advantage, I dropped a level 10 Pickmeisha who was making my life miserable, I’m journaling and praying and I’m getting my life TOGETHER. Thank you
very inspiring!
I love to see my Muslim sisters putting themselves first and getting themselves together ❤️❤️ you got this girl!!
Love to see muslim girls finding their space in this community, so heartwarming ❤❤
I think your videos have changed my life. I never realized how much I was selling myself short and dating dusties. You helped me see that there's no reason I can't have everything I want from a relationship, and that I want to support other women more actively. Thank you bestie
Thank you bestie 🥹🫶🏽
Aren't they the one making fun of women for hating each other and then scream brotherhood above all but when sisterhood ....
This is actually so true. In the past I had more ‘friends’ who were men and I kid you not EVERY SINGLE ONE of them wanted me either romantically or sexually. One time one of them even lashed out at me for rejecting him because he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to date him because he was always so “nice” to me. Then a month later he tried to r@pe me. It’s disgusting. Just because a man is nice to me he’s entitled to date me entitled to have a sexual relationship with me?? What the actual fuck. Do these men realise every guy who wants to date a woman will try and be nice to them. Women are allowed to have a type.
I'm sorry that happened to you, feel hugged!
💔
Did you press charges since he's a sex offender?
That was dangerous. I just don't think male and female friends are healthy unless your truly friends. Sometimes it's a great start for a relationship sometimes it's not and you have to remove these friendships because they can be a hindrance to your life's progress. I probably have 3 male friends as brothers 3 lady friends I have no attraction for at all I have 0 lady friends I text with because I see no point in these relationships it's hell dealing with it from a guy if you like the girl.
PLEASE BE WARY OF YOUR MALE RELATIVES, TOO, LADIES! I know it sounds paranoid, but I work in the justice system of my European country and I saw countless files of SA where the culprit was blood related to the victim! And those were the crimes that made it into justice files, very many don't get reported. I spoke at conferences to colleagues working in other countries and even other continents and they told me it happens there, too. The situation is even worse in countries where women are second class citizens and may become victims of " honour" crimes, if they report the abuse. When I was younger, a distant male cousin made me advances. I didn't see it coming ,because my country's tradition and religion heavily discourage cousin marriages, after Darwin showed us the risks in 1850 C.E. He was very insistent, until I threatened him with the police. We both knew our family wouldn't believe me because I was known as a " rebel feminist" while he posed as a " nice traditional guy". Thank God the Police is quite fair where I live and has both male and female officers. But what if it wasn't?! I shudder for the people that live in places where you can't relly on the Police to protect you. What can you do to avoid the risk of SA in your own family, especially if you live in the same house? Well, be aware of the danger, first ( me& many others could not even conceive the risk existed, because of our love& trust in our male kin), dress decently, do not share your bed and bath with male relatives, lock your bedroom doors at night, have some weapon under your pillow ( useful in case of burglaries, too) and always report anything suspicious to everyone you know ( monsters thrive on your silence), even if people don't believe you, it may scare the monsters. I know there are genuinely good male relatives out there, I have some myself, but there is always a serpent in the garden of Eden, so be careful ! Also be wary of male baby-sitters, even if they are relatives! I know women can be pedos or abusers, too, but the majority of culprits of those crimes are men, unfortunately. Be very careful !
To add to your point, in my country the police are not fair, whatever #metoo movement there was did not make it to my country and people often blamed and shamed rape victims(I distinctly remember female _teachers_ shaming girls for supposedly smiling when they said "no", and another girl who was gang raped at _10_ getting bullied for it😭) when I we growing up in the 2010's. Just before graduating, I found out the *majority* of girls and a few boys in my HS homeroom had been molested by a male relative -- usually an older cousin or uncle. No one does anything and it's all swept under the rug. Blood means so little to predators. In fact, it's a plus because they'll use that family loyalty that some gross relatives have to shield themselves from repercussions,
Yesss, this needed to be said, this goes on a lot, that testosterone be something demonic I swear, I went to an all girls schools, we had lesbians there, myself included and no one would bother no one, we know how to act around other women, the problem really is men, "not all men" ya but it's fricking enough of em. Do people even have male babysitters, that's just a disaster waiting to happen 🤦♀️
100% 🙏
@Ark-ys2upthis!!!! Absolutely gross. Also came to say it isn't just SA to be worried about. I met my half brother at aged 30. While we were getting to know each other he did a lot of emotional dumping about his pitiful relationship with his wife who put up with his nonsense. Even went as far as talking to me about AND tried to show me pictures of the women he was cheating on her with. He behaved like I was one of his guy friends. I felt so disrespected. Zero respect for any woman. I was not interested in building a relationship after that.
@@no.6377 I'm so sorry ! That was the reality in my country in the '80 s & '90's, my mother told me, but starting from the year 2000 it changed for the better. If more and more victims speak out, their voices will be heard eventually and the shaming will reduce, I've seen it happen, but it takes years. And female teachers shaming young victims, that's sooo low!
Either they keep you around for a potential "easy lay" or they use you as their wing-woman to get other gals. Or simply for the "female attention and validation".
I had that agreement with a gay friend. He used me (i was compensated) not only to appear straight in certain circles but also to attract another gay men, some of them i introduced myself. Still, gay friend almost all the time paid for meals, helped me with studying and other ordeals.
@@liltunturi1251 i get where you’re coming from. But I recently had a guy friend that i thought was genuine and we shared all of our problems. The second he got a gf tho, boom, he ghosted me. If it was a sincere friendship why did i have to be abandoned the minute he got a chick? And I agree that there can be wholesome friendships but at times, you just rlly can’t tell. And when things go wrong, it can be pretty traumatising. I had depression for weeks and months, my guy. So idk better safe than sorry.
The first one is bad, but if he's using me as a wingwoman and neither of us have feelings for each other, I don't see the problem.
@@085665372I can say this from the guys perspective. Having a woman who likes you but you don't like her back is like retreat in my mind.
she's so right, when i got married all my male friends vanished. they were all just hovering hoping they would get a chance to be with me....
same here....men and women are made for something else not to be ''just a friends'', subconsciously we all sense it
I mean in order for me to get a bf I have to be friends with him first…I’m pretty that’s how it works lmao
@@AmericanDreamerwe could be if more people were evolved. The low-brow NPCs should be dealt with as such, they aren't the main or even supporting characters for a reason.
@@AmericanDreamerWhat if they're gay?
@@spadinnerxylaphone2622 Honestly, i think co-ed relationships might be a gay privilege (/j). I and most of my friends are some flavor of queer or trans. I have two male friends who are presumedly straight that are genuine and integral parts of this group. I've experienced the girlfriend-zoning by straight men before and I can definitely say it's a different sort of interaction. You can tell a guy only in it for the 😺 gets uncomfy if you talk about having crushes on other people. But when you're actual friends, you can dish about relationship stuff without it feeling weird. I do have to be more careful around straight men than WLW or bi men, though. A lot of straight men have weird views about women and for that reason, I don't hang with most straight men.
This video opened my eyes. 2 years ago I has a “guy best friend” who was the only person in my life who seemed to understand me and listen to me, gave me so much attention, but he was also very touchy feely kinda guy, liked to hug me or keep his hands on me all the time, we even cuddled multiple times after deep hearted conversation, and my dumbass thought it was normal, we’re super close friends and no one will get me the way he can. I was shocked when people thought we were in a relationship🤡. I was young and naïve, never had a boyfriend before. I eventually started developing feelings for him. Turns out, he was using me as a stand in girlfriend, the one he could have benefits from without the label, he liked me but not enough to make it official. Then he met a girl he actually likes and it was like overnight I was dumped. That was one of the darkest time of my life.
It's confusing how acting so nice be such a scumbaggy behaviour, right? Inciting and using real feelings and intimacy with someone as a stand in. Ugh. Shame on him.
Emotional intimacy is not for male friends
I'm so sorry you went through that, bestie
Ooooooooooo this is so true! It's crazy the lies and deceiving.. . I overheard a guy bragging LOUDLY to his buddies about the hot girl he was "talking to", while I was working at a coffee shop.. I look over and it's the guy my bestie was paired up with because she volunteered for the "buddy system" where a a senior is paired up with a freshman who has like no other friends there, is brand new to the place etc. so she was showing him around, so he can learn where everything is..... and he was bragging to his buddies off campus that he was DATING HER!!!😂😂😂 She tagged him in a post and said "you're gonna do great things this year little bro! ❤ ya! From your big sis!"
😳😳😳
The "you're gonna do great things this year little bro! ❤ ya! From your big sis!", is a good one! 🤭🏅
I can't name a single male friend of mine that made my life better. They all actively made it worse.
Same
Honestly, true. They aint helping your life unless they think that you'll belong to them at the end of it. It's transactional and the moment they realize you won't 'pay' them back, they get vicious.
Same
Cant relate enough
My friend when she was at college has this guy 'friend' who she speaks to sometimes in her class, never heard or seen him before she mentioned him to me, but she showed him a picture of me and he thought I was cute, I wasn't really interested because deep down he wasn't my type, plus he was 3 years younger then me and I never date guys who are younger, it's just weird to me. Anyways I add him and we start talking for a few days, less then a week later he decides he wants to meet me, but because we weren't connecting or flirting, kind of just sending snaps and talking about cars/work and calling one of the workers who work there a dog🥴 I say I think we should stay friends but I'm also not ready for a relationship(my last boyfriend wouldn't leave me alone) and he just blocks me and unfriends me and tells MY friend behind my back at college I was boring anyway. They are so fucking fragile.
I remember that one time when I was about to go to a sleepover (or rather a night of drinking) to my guy friend's place alone. We were not dating or anything. I was ready to go and then my dad just went ,,you're not going anywhere". I was... confused? Like hello, I was 21 at that time. Eventually I stayed home, cuz I didn't want to cause a drama. I couldn't understand why my dad didn't want me to go so bad till now. I was such an idiot 🤡
Hahahaha the 'you ain't going nowhere' is such a dad's classic. Good thing he didn't let you go 😊
Wow your dad is amazing
bless your dad for stepping up and protecting you
It's too bad he didn't explain it to you. Even when protecting women, they protect other men by keeping women in the dark
@@alexavasquez1992 No, he tried. I just couldn't really get it till recently
I was having a chat with a male friend about what I want off of a relationship. I mentioned I want a man who can control his moods and will never verbally abusive. My friend lost his mind and told me who the hell do I think I am to deserve so much. Who am I to ask for a non abusive partner. Why can’t I just put up with his moods? I knew there and then he secretly hopes I get abused in my relationship and my care for him went from an 80 to a 5. Just no.
😳😳😲😲Woooow. Not only does this so-called “friend” sound psycho, but he definitely felt called out (by you UNINTENTIONALLY) because that’s probably how he expects to treat HIS romantic partner. I think he was projecting; his shame about what you said spilled out. He probably doesn’t think only you specifically should deal with a low-level longterm discomfort, but all women. Be careful around your “friend”🤨
After I got separated from my then abusive husband I once told my sister, (whom I used to love so deep), the kind of men I would like to eventually date. She also got mad, as your friend, and told me I was asking too much and just should settle down. She told my brother about my hopes and laughed at me. Later I found out that people that have miserable marriages secretly envy and hate people that take the risk to get divorced.
🗑️
These men thinks women owe them anything to say this things
he was mad because you described him.
I often feel like I can’t even trust male family members
same. my uncle was in town after like 10 years and i heard him and my dad making sexist jokes and stuff and wanted to vomit and leave
unfortunately u cant
I believe you. Many of male cousins or distant male relatives have tried to canopy ministry me. Whether they were trying to “protect” me and didn’t know what they were doing, or they truly had sick feelings, doesn’t matter. I say if they are not intermediate family DONT BE ALONE. I know it’s sounds scary but most men do not think much about SA a female family member…
A lot of victims of rape wee victimized by a family member, blood related
@@lysandracaspez578 yes, it happens a lot in my family but I also know the rest of the family will try to cover it up and hide it rather than defend the victim.
Having more guy friends than girl friends at a young age just gave me trauma 💀
True ☠️
Relatable
How so?
I’ve always had more guy friends than girl friends. Most of them have been great. I’ve only ever had a few that acted crazy when I didn’t wanna date them. The others have either never made a move or respected my no
@@jenana6882 YES!! I refuse to believe that THIS many people havent met had good guy friend like come on now.
Every time I see a girl with a bunch of male friends I sigh silently because I was that girl. I would have fought to the death that they were my friends. Men think being friend zoned sucks? I can’t explain the hurt I went through realizing I never had real friends, just men in line. Heartbreak 💔 They aren’t your friends. I don’t care if he calls you his sister. Trust me. He isn’t your friend.
What if the female friends are jealous of her attractiveness and guys are treating her as a target, while all she wanna do is make friends? Don't you think she's pathetic too?
Our good sis spoke straight facts. The canopy ministry concept is so real is literally repellent for viable men who actually want to date you.
What is this concept?
@@pastoral_landscapewatch the video and you will hear her discuss it 🤯
@@pastoral_landscapewatch the video
I had my uncle doing this shit with my mom and aunty...eww
@@pastoral_landscapewatch the damn video
I had (at least i thought he was) a male friend, that recently confessed to me that he fell in love with me… I truly didn’t know and i gotta say, it broke my heart.. Not only did we have to separate from each other, cause it’s clear that the ,,friendship” will never be the same again, but this is also a new thing. When i was going through my awkward phase throughout highschool and had a bunch of acne and wasn’t in the best shape, he would’ve never fallen in love and he didn’t, but now at 18 when i am finally(in my opinion) looking better than ever and in shape and ect all of the sudden here he is. I cannot imagine us together mainly because of the friendship, but even if i was to give a ,,male friend” a chance it most certainly wouldn’t be somebody who was all over my friend before, and the second i started blooming remembered to try it with me. You’re completely right girl, the only male, platonic friend i have is my brother. That’s all i need
Thank you for sharing 🫶🏽
I feel you :/ I recently had someone that I considered to be a close friend come onto me. And it wasn't even about love, it was just pure lust. Because he's had a girlfriend ever since we met for the first time and talked about her from time to time (which I found very good and nice!), I never thought it would go there. I was kinda secured in that knowledge that things would be platonic and I could just have a good friend but alas...Things can never be the same again.
@@laetitiaa3927 I am so sorry girl!!😕💓 I know exactly how it feels… And it hurts on two fronts, first one is that you thought you had a friend and you feel betrayed in a sense, and another one is that it just feels so shallow… Like you said, it’s usually out of pure lust and that somehow makes the whole experience even more hurtful…
What ?? He tried to go out with your friend? I had a friend like that as well . After going after all the girls I knew ( and rejected), he said , he actually wanted me... I couldn't possibly accept him ( although I sorta liked him before).
@@Blackpill149you’re missing the part where he completely overlooked her & was all over her friend and only wanted her after she looked the part, that’s not a friend and it’s not genuine love
This is such a potent conversation. I'm engaged to the love of my life and there have been no guy friends in my orbit for years. I have business contacts, acquaintances who I run into, and am friendly to men in public, but I am not drawn to ongoing friendships with men (especially no emotional intimacy). I think I was only ever drawn to male friendships (and those canopy ministries) because of trauma. Female friendships can be challenging but immensely rewarding. We do crave male companionship, but it is so worthwhile to be patient and find that with your partner and FAMILY, who really care about you.
Female friendships are not challenging.....most times. Women should stop holding women to unrealistic standards
Women have more empathy.
This girl is on fire 🔥 4 episodes in a week 🎉
Thank you 🫶🏽🫶🏽
I’ve been heart broken by “guy friends” not wanting to stick up for you to uphold the bro code . Even when they know other guys are being inappropriate or makes me uncomfortable. Even getting defensive when you tell them they make me uncomfortable. I think I’ll just be nice and cordial but most of the time they aren’t safe to be friend with.
Any man who wouldn't protect you in those situations doesn't deserve a second more of your time. A long time ago, some dummy thought it was cool and entertaining for his buddies if he fake bumped into me and touched me all over in a nightclub in front of my then-boyfriend. My boyfriend instantly lifted that joker up and swung him to the other side of the room like a frisbee. I'd never seen that side of him before. It frightened me then, but I can appreciate it now.
@@roundtwo3321 ok but your description made me giggle
if they don't stick up for you as a bro they aren't your bro. I would say a big sign of a real guy friend is if you're included in the bro code
girl this came just in time! i just told a "guy friend" that I felt convicted by God to not hang out with men who I'm not dating or who are not my family alone anymore, and now this is just confirming my decision fr. thank you!!💗
🥹🫶🏽🫶🏽 happy to help
Interestingly in Islam for example extramarital relations like men-women friendship are forbidden apart from at a formal level or when you are looking at people for marriage
@@alinaqirizvi1441 REALLY? I need to hear more about this. Does Christianity have anything similar?
@@cm-yu6gu Christianity does not have the equivalent of that sort, in fact we even see a few women like Mary (who was even a former prostitute) travel with Jesus and His disciples and these women financially helped them. In these days of hookup culture, men who look average and not particularly physically attractive have less of a chance to date a more attractive woman if she doesn't already know him... and women who find an attractive man to date have more pressure to sleep with him as soon as possible before really knowing him. A woman taking her time being friends with a guy she's initially attracted to can potentially prevent heartache (from being dumped after sex so early) and lets see her multiple suitors under the guise of them being male friends. There's a risk that the guy will move on quickly to date someone else while you're friends, but its just part of the game what strategy you decide to use and for who based on intuition. Everything seems to have pros and cons, just gotta see what works for you and your mindset approach and expectations with whatever strategy you use and for who.
nope! in the bible, God mostly emphasizes how it is important for ppl to not view each other with lust. He talks a lot about men respecting, uplifting, leading, and protecting women, because we are the "weaker vessels". I used to like be confused by this, but I learned as the "helpers of man" we play one of the most sacrificial roles in society. Jesus was also "the helper of man" who sacrificed everything for us, so biblically we walk extremely closely with God (even closer than most men). being the "weaker vessel" means that we are very spiritually sensitive to God and attacks from the devil, so we need to be guided and protected by godly men (aka provider mennn). so ya, to respect each other's purity and avoid sin, some christians feel called to have boundaries when it comes to like opposite-sex friends! ☺@@cm-yu6gu
ohhhh I'm here for this, because I purged most of those men in my life this year, and I have so much more energy. Some I call friends but they're really just acquaintances now.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
I used to be one of the girls that would always say that girls and guys can totally be friends but over the past few years have completely changed my mind because guy friendships have never worked out for me. They should work in theory because what are bisexual men supposed to do? Or bisexual women for that matter? They can’t have friends because they’re secretly in love with them? Like obvs that makes no sense, BUT straight men just don’t see it this way. Every single time I’ve had a guy friend, they either end up liking me and it ruins it, or, what happened more often is that they would “playfully flirt” with me, and I, being naive would just treat them like any of my other friends but when they found out that I wasn’t interested and started dating other girls, their girlfriends would always demand they stop talking to me even though I never made any effort to flirt back or show any interest. It confused me for so long because I didn’t get what the big deal was to be friends with them if we didn’t like each other but I can only believe that they secretly did and their girlfriends were uncomfortable with it. I saw these guys as real friends and so it hurt me like it would hurt anyone to lose a friend for such a stupid reason but it taught me a lesson. Men don’t see their friendships with women as platonic, most straight men don’t anyways. I do have gay male friends. And my girls and gays are more emotionally intelligent anyways so why would I waste my time befriending straight men who are gonna just be terrible friends anyways, leave my life once their in a relationship when I can have much more fulfilling female (and gay male) friendships anyways? At this point, the men are causing their own loneliness. They refuse to be friends with women, they refuse to treat their girlfriends with respect and we all know they ain’t getting emotionally vulnerable with their other straight male friends.
Yeah. Most men lack any morals. I have some good friends that are men but I would say it is like 1% and unfortunately they were good friends but bad boyfriends. I don t know where you are supposed to find that man that will treat you like a princess when less than 1% have even the basics ...
@@zah936 yeah. We should all make a pact and stop dating anyone I think atp
I agree with you and your last sentences explaining male lonliness epidemic perfectly. They refuse to be friends with women then complain about not understanding women in general. They refuse to treat their girlfriends with love and respect then complain of being dumped and then refuse to be vulnerable with male friends most likely although i can not know that for sure. In short they are causing their own loneliness epidemic by refusing to develop and embrace their emotional intelligence. Before anyone commenting i have to add that i met many males who does great so please don't complain if it isn't appling for you.
@@Nyuffykahmaybe it's because we keep wiring this generation with healthy friendships and most men need to understand attraction and heal from trauma. Women too because it'll stop them from making make friendships so much. There's an emotional attachment issue in both parties. Men and women can't just be friends Unless there's no actual attraction on either end
@@christianhenry4173it's in there nature as f*xked as it sounds. I listen to this podcast called The High Powered Podcast and it goes into the science of it. It's complimentary to this channel.
When i was growing up, i had a big group of mostly guy friends. My 2 best girls and I were the "sister friends" to these guys. I learned from these boys that men are sex crazed and will fo some crazy, shady, borderline if not illegal shit to get girls to sleep with them. The girls who didn't sleep with them got slut shamed, except us "sister girlies" who were treated as special exceptions for sone reason that i still don't understand. I heard the way they talked about and treated other women and it caused me to be really terrified of men, to the point that i stayed with my first boyfriend for over a decade because i thought most other men were sex abusers with a nice guy mask. After leaving 1st boyfriend and attempting to date, my fears were confirmed over and over. I'm not saying all men are sexual assaulters with nice guy masks but there are just too many out there to feel safe.
Oh shit, they were canopy ministry-ing us. Wow. I'm 40 and these boys did this 25 years ago and I'm just now realizing what it was they were doing. 🤯
"Sexual assaulters with nice guy masks" ~ I literally just met a guy like this. Ito my knowledge, he's not an assaulter, but all he thinks about is sex and he covers it up with the "nice guy" mask. People buy it because he's friendly and attractive.
However, didn't hanging up with boys made you learn all that and to not be too naive around them? I guess it's then ok to have a phase (earlier) in life where we get to know the other sex for what they really are instead of phantasizing of a prince charming 😅
Liberty, I'm sorry for what you've experienced though it reminds me strongly of the law of attraction (you get what you expect) - maybe you wanna look into that? :) - so fe the beautifully delulu solution to this would be assuming that good men exist in abundance 🥰🤙💞
Dating is out. Drama not needed.
I'm a first semester undergrad girlie, recently a man of last semester from my Uni directly asked me out on a date. I plainly said 'but I don't know you.' He was 6 fit tall. After talking to him 4-5 times he said himself that all these 4 years at Uni he made zero male friends and 10 female friends. He also said he hates all men of his cls & didn’t go to Uni trip just because he would have to spend the night with those men. That's where I felt doubt like why he couldn’t even have atleast 1 male friend out there from a Uni?! I felt so unattracted toward him hearing this. 🙏🏻 now your cls has confirmed me that I was right 🥺 I love you a lot.
dodged a bullet!
He’s probably sleeping with at least 3 🤮 Good job following your instincts tho
Eww male pick me?
I was SAed by my best "guy friend" at the time, what she's saying is 100% correct. I think he slipped somthing in my drink I never felt like that from drinking before
Your women friends will also slip something in your drink, too. If your hand isn't on top of you drink at all times, trash it. Saving a few dollars isn't worth your sanity. Also, don't eat or drink at anyone else's house, and then hang around because they could have drugged you to molest you when you pass out. Just eat and run, or skip it entirely ("We have another dinner party."). Politeness points aren't worth your sanity.
I wouldn’t drink in public.
Miss Estelle please don't underestimate the power of your work here. As a single parent to three boys and one girl, you constantly reiterate for me valid points in my parenting. I want my sons to be nothing like the men you describe or their crappy daddies. My daughter obviously to evade men like these. Wishing you a lovely holiday season babes ❤
yess!!! we all need more moms with mindset like yours and more men who are actually man-ing
@AmericanDreamer thanks boo I agree, it starts at home 🏡 💓
Youre gonna a be a wonderful mom for sure❤
@MilkyWay-vr7ku Thank you that's very sweet, it's an honor to be a mother despite the hardships. So I do it with a healthy sense of pride and I do it alone. I'd much rather struggle than for them to bare the consequences of an unhealthy paternal figure that will only cause lifelong damage. For any single woman reading, choose your partner wisely that it the best advice I could give any woman. That was my downfall more than once and I make it a point to share my knowledge with other women, so many of us marry for love or potential and screw ourselves in the process. I am trying to be part of the solution through an example of what not to do lol in the most gracious way I can possible.
Then they need to be raised by real men . You can't teach your son's how to be men you can only teach them about life and what women expect. But that won't help them much. That's how we develop nice guys in single parent homes. And your son's could grow with regret if you don't listen to the patterns now. They need strong male role models
I have genuinely had wonderful men as friends and still keep in touch with them. In my situation we were in the military together which gave us a very unique bond that most others don't have. We've watched each other get married, have kids, and move on to different things. Men and women aren't incapable of being friends, you just need to be selective of who you chose to let into your life.
Great advice, thanks for this ❤
I think being in the military is a different experience that doesn't really apply to situations in civilian life. Once you've literally faced death together, depended on each other for your very lives, yes, I think the man/woman thing could become irrelevant and you could have a unique bond quite apart from any that would be happen in 'normal' life. It's honestly the one exception that I can think of though...thank you for your service.
Every time Elle rants away on this particular topic I'm reminded of a Jimmy Kimmel video called 99problems of 99people where they interview New Yorkers asking "what's your problem?" There is one gal who answers fast like a pistol shot: "loser man who come into your life and suck out all your energy; steal your joy!" 😂🤭🤣
Initially in high-school I had all female friends. I'm still in contact with them to this day. I thought something was wrong with me if I didn't have male friends. One of the two guys I was ever friends with was insecure with me and my standards. Called me a "Karen". The other was attracted to me. I have always found with male peers that I had to "prove" myself to them, that I had to prove that I was of equal value. I always had to stand up to them, they never respected me. My female peers, on the other hand always have respected me.
I felt the same in high school that having no male friends means i am socially inadequate but all they did was pulling my self-esteem down.
I don't agree with this fully, but I agree for most part. I do believe that men and women can be friends but with boundaries. and having good male acquaintances does have benefits like feeling safe at night when you go out. but friendships with men, being one of the guys or whatever is overrated as hell. dudes who have never breathed in the presence of a woman use you as a status symbol, and they lack the same kind of understanding, and mental capacity as women. it will leave you feeling drained as hell.
I’m sad to say that with time you will eventually agree with this video fully :(
literally… i used to think like this person too, but reality hit me like a brick. i used to have a lot of male “friends” and thought that they were truly my friends, and each one failed to honor my boundaries over time. not only that, they each made me fear for my life at some point. i thought they were “good” men. i do not believe good men exist, point blank period.
I usually agree with most things you say but I don't agree with the point of not having male friends even if they don't romantically desire you. My self esteem does not depend on my friends finding me desirable, as long as they respect me and aren't putting me down I find friendships with them quite enjoyable. Still very much agree with your point of re-evaluating male friendships and setting boundaries, I am happy I watched this.
good point! i kinda agree too since why would i care if they find me desirable or not? that's not really the point of the friendship tbh
I agree with you. I'm in my late twenties and I recently developed friendships with men who don't have a romantic interest in me, and I'm also not interested in them romantically. They've never made a pass at me or gave me any weird compliments, they're just people I like to talk to and hang out with.
I used to think this way in my twenties. None of the men I thought were friends were actually just friends. Eventually they let you know their true intentions. Even my bestest friend whom I’ve known for almost 20 years. I’m 36. I have many male acquaintances and men I hang out with in crowds during group activities. But I do not hang out one on one with no man who I’m not trying to date.
@@Oshun95 dropping them 💎 💎 💎’s
I agree with this assessment.@@Oshun95
I've got only one male friend left. He's there only because he has brotherhood, healthy masculinity and he's physically and emotionally safe. I'm expecting a confession to fuck this all up 😂
He will probably propose to you. Be prepared.
Same here. Throughout my whole life, every guy friend I've had has either been a raging misogynist, trying to date me, or both. It's gotten tiring and infuriating, knowing that I can't really even trust people to be friends with me without ulterior motives. The one guy friend that remains is gay and committed to his partner, so I'm glad he's not into me.
@@TheDragontiger123 If they truly cared for me as a person and not as a potential partner, they wouldn't straight up block or stop talking to me when I turn them down, gently might I add.
i had one of these. just three days ago, while i was in a terrible mood and depressed, he confessed he was in love with me for YEARS.
I have male friends who have supported me throughout my life. While I genuinely believe that you can be friends with a guy too, you'll have to watch out for some of these boys and men. Some can be creepy, abusive, or even toxic. Look for ones that have qualities of friends that you'd like, regardless of gender.
💯💯
I wish I knew these things in my teenage years and early 20s. I dropped male friends some years ago and I start seriously developing female friendships. I think I had gained quite allot since I started pouring time into my female friendships.
My friend’s dad called the canopy man space. He said to not let men hang around and take up man space. They take up man space and the man that wants you doesn’t have anywhere to fit.
What is exactly the man’ s space?
@@FoundSheep-AN He was essentially saying that most women only have space for one important man in their lives. If your friend is taking up that space, there is no room for a romantic partner.
Thank you for this pearl of wisdom from your dad's friend
@@afrikurlthat’s so true!!! which is why I can’t understand women with multiple male friends. It sounds like making your life more complicated
I'm not even that pretty but I find my "Male Friends" claim we are platonic friends but get upset the moment they find out I'm talking to someone else. Sir we were just friends remember.
woman and men CAN BE FRIENDS, in super rare situations they can but always with boundaries
Keep telling yourself that
Yes.. she is 100% right. I hope ladies wake up
This is so true. I once had two powerful men competing over me. One had hired me so he "had" me and the other was trying to steal me away. I realized it really wasn't about me. It was just two powerful men playing games and I was the ball. You are spot on!
I used to be a guys girl then being around them so much I learned how they actually treat and think about women and it was so disgusting. Even the nice guys, are not “nice guys” when there aren’t are any women around to hear what they have to say. One thing that stuck with me is that when they meet a girl they immediately assign “fuckable” or “not fuckable” even if it’s subconsciously
I think it depends on why you are actually friends with the guy. Some straight men don’t really fall into the super masculine spectrum and can truly enjoy feminine things and hobbies. I think you can form real friendships if that is the case. But if you don’t really have much in common then that’s a sign that he is just playing the part of a “friend.”
You’re making a mistake. Assuming that just because they’re not stereotypically masculine they don’t want to bang or date you to become that masculine man, is a huge mistake. That’s exactly one of the tactics these fboys use: pretend to be “one of the girls” until you trust them and they can dig their claws in. Don’t fall for it. I did.
No. Been there, done that. They're just waiting to get their courage up while they're serving your dolls tea.
@@roundtwo3321 lol
I kinda disagree with the point of them having to find you desirable, otherwise they don't contribute. I do think that some men who are more emotionally mature can make great friends who uplift you but won't have romantic interest in you. So in that sense, having those in your life can be great! However, they're just very rare :')
It won’t feel good, after years being both single you will ask yourself what is so undesirable about you that he never considered you as a possible girlfriend
@@FoundSheep-ANthat’s your problem with insecurity. I don’t care what man finds me desirable. I love myself and other people love me. You keep commenting about needing male validation for what?
Agree 💯
@@FoundSheep-ANAnd? Insecurity is just a feeling until you start acting like a loser.
@@FoundSheep-ANNope, just because a man doesn’t want to pursue you romantically doesn’t mean you’re “undesirable”. It just means the only relationship they’re willing to have with you is platonic, and that’s okay. You shouldn’t beat yourself up over it because you don’t even like him, what’s the point in getting insecure over someone you don’t want either?
The best guy friends that I'm still friends with after 20 years, are the ones that were never and still aren't even a little attracted to me! 😂
Doesn’t it lower your self esteem that these men do not find you desirable and don’t think you are worthy to be a girlfriend nor wife? Nor to be pursued ? Are you happy they think you are not hot nor attractive as a female? I had platonic male friends and it hurt my self esteem. Now I don’t.
@@FoundSheep-ANyeah I usually like her videos but I'll have to disagree with her on this. But at the same time there are exceptions to the rule. I have a lot of male friends because the type of middle school and highschool STEM program I went through was predominantly male. Yes some of them maybe had a mini crush on me once but once I started dating someone it became completely platonic. And now I'm about to graduate college and I know for sure none on them would ever consider going after me because they value our friendship more and wouldn't want to break apart our friend group. The other girl in our friend group feels the same way as always says they're her brothers 😂 I feel like having 1 male friend definitely means it's more likely that they'll fall for you or will secretly pine for you. But it just depends on how close you are. I know girls play videogames and like nerdy stuff but it's not been my experience with the people I grew up with and I found it in a predominantly male friend group. I think if you have male friends you need to friend zone them automatically if you don't want to be with them. But also personally I think being friends before dating is the best way to really get to know a guy and see if a masks falls. Happy holidays!
@FoundSheep-AN if thats what your worried about your literally insecure. Everyone in these comments just hate men, this is sick and I don't even date
@@celinasjourneysame opinion ❤
@@FoundSheep-AN well no, not really, because I'm not the slightest bit interested in or attracted to those male friends, in any type of romantic/sexual way, shape or form. The one's that were attracted to me, would eventually either make a move, or just kinda stopped pursuing me. And that's fine, though it's a little disappointing that because they can't get sex from me, they don't want to be friends, but I don't think that's what actual FRIENDSHIP is supposed to mean in the first place anyway, so it's better to know, than to have someone who's just pretending to be your friend, and hoping you'll let your guard down or try to hook up the you when you're both drunk, and then trying to blow it off when you sober up, like it's no big deal 😕 Um.... Yeah but MOW.... I'm no longer comfortable around you! And there goes THAT "friendship" that was never a “real“ friendship to begin with!
I just wanna say that genuine male friendships is possible. I have 5 guy bestfriends, one of them is gay. And we've been bestfriends for at least 10 years (each). And I know for a fact they don't have any interest in dating me or anything. And I'm not bad looking either. But they just value me as I am. And I've been genuinely grateful for them & how they've supported me through the years. 👏🏻
I hv noticed tht every guy friend i hv made would try to put me down in one way or another "as a joke". Whereas every female friend ik have always tried to hype me up even when i m not feeling my best. Every insecurity i currently have can be tracked back to a guy friend making a comment about it. Female friendships are just in general so much better than male ones.
I feel you. I've had male friends belittle me all the time without even realising it.
Not me. Men and women both do this to me.
its not good generalize
I was talking to a guy once at a work event and he told me his whole plot that he befriends women (and also sought them out on LinkedIn???) with the intent to date them and works “the long con” on them. I tore into him so hard and everyone else around me thought I was weird for being so mad at him. Like it’s so disgusting to manipulate women like that.
Imagine being a LinkedIn predator! What a weirdo 🤡
22:00 she said that male loneliness is not a women’s issue and I remember reading about the lover-son archetype in this book named “the sacred prostitute” it is a Jungian study about femininity I recommend you read the book it is really good, and I’ll try to keep this comment short and sweet. The lover-son archetype is a man that is either the son or the lover of a goddess and this man man has to “die” for the goddess and said man to grow. It goes into detail about how the goddess enter this relationship where she feels responsible for this man and both end up drained, even if it is a comfortable situation for both it isn’t beneficial to either and it gives a couple of examples but the one that Elle gives in her where a lot of women might feel responsible on fixing male loneliness perfectly fits the bill. Women should only be mothers to their YOUNG children and nothing else. The authors name is Nancy Qualls-Corbett
Wow. Thanks for this 😊👍
I feel like I went through something similar, but he didn't "die" for me, but I did end up drained to the point of hospitalization
I’m not done watching the video however I want to thank you, because I got rid of all my guy friends thanks to you and that’s coming from someone who used to disagree with you❤
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I know and broke my heart,because I really thought he was like a brother while home boy was hoping my relationship ends so he can steps up literally like a movie. I got married and he disappeared.
i saw a video where a guy asked random college students if women and men can be just friends, most women said yes while most men said no. so that's proof that most men when they appear as a "friend" around you isn't really there to be a real friend. and lost of women also said that they end up finding some of their male friends having crushes on them. and the canopy ministry has also been indirectly admitted by men, who stated that if they see women who are close with other men, whatever they are to the women, they steer away. also, another way for men to use you in the name of "friendship" is in attempt to attract other women. idk why they think it works, maybe it works for some women, but it never worked for me, i always avoid men who have close and ambiguous female "friends", but men think it works, so they'd to it.
A year ago in 2022, I ONLY had male friends. I would’ve fought to say that male friendships are possible (they are if the guy is healthy masculinity imo). Fast forward, and the only ‘guy friend’ I ended up keeping around from 2022 turned into my bf. he’s amazing, he is a provider, a sweetheart, emotionally intelligent 🖤I always joke with him that I thought we were buds 😂 But during that year I realized - most men feel like there is no point to having female friends when they can just have male ones. So most guys won’t just ‘be your friend.’ It was heartbreaking and I felt betrayed. I cut all of them off. I even almost cut off my bf when I first found out he liked me, thankfully I didn’t.
''But men are inherently sexist. They feel like there is no point to having female friends when they can just have male ones. So most guys won’t just ‘be your friend’'' if ONLY you knew it goes both ways 😂
Omg I have been trying to write comments on this vid for 10 mins, I even tried editing my comments because I thought I was the problem, but now I realize the creator of this content is blocking all male comments, even if the male comments are positive, just to keep her narrative. smh
@@ihangaroundyoutube8052it’s to keep our space safe. Go make an article in a newspaper about your opinion. This is women’s territory. You’re privileged enough to be able to like and read our opinions that we’d never say out loud. There’s nothing you can contribute with here. If you have something to say, say it to the women in your life.
@@Rosetta-gp9mknice reply. The community is proud of you
@@Rosetta-gp9mk 👏🏻
As a pansexual, I often wonder if I've ever had a genuine friendship. The platonic relationships either got sexual/romantic then ended (for a variety of reasons) or they weren't healthy enough to keep going. In a way, I would experience the opposite of what's suggested; higher self esteem from being seen as valuable solely platonically. I have enough ego from knowing my non-platonic value, haha. I still believe gender-mixed platonic relationships are very, very important. It's a way to relate and understand others who aren't like you; diversity of experiences and ideas.
My male friends add to my life, and if they do gain something from me too, so be it. They have helped me, especially in getting me out of abusive situations. Male friends afford single girlies male protection.
Are you married ? Are you in a relationship with a good man? If not, your male friends are the reason you are single Canopy ministry
@@FoundSheep-AN I am single by choice. Dating just for the sake of it isn't being in discernment.
Sure, but now that they know that you're an abuse victim, they see you as fresh meat that they cannot soil, no matter what they do to you. So, watch your back now. Never tell a man that you have been abused. He will see you as damaged goods that he can use whenever he choose to do so. Women will be the sympathetic ones.
@@roundtwo3321you are speaking nothing but facts
Girl better watch your back any minute they will use this against you. "But I was the one who saved you from your abusive r/s why won't you date me?!"
When I lost a lot of weight, male friends I thought were "bros" started hitting on me and tried getting with me. Some of them had girlfriends and the others knew I had a boyfriend but didn't care. It's rough out here ladies
Relatable 😕
It’s incredible the difference of how people receive you after weight loss. I lost 50lbs and women began to treat me as a threat and men started looking at me so differently. “Hey guys! I’m still the funny fat girl in here! I’m the same damn person- I’m just healthier”. It’s mind boggling.
Thinking back, I was lamenting to one of my male friends that I didn’t feel attractive and he said, “you are so pretty, I feel like a pro ball player when I’m out with you.” But he doesn’t pay for that clout… I pay my own way and everyone probably thinks we’re together. No more 💕✊
I had a guy friend for years who I was always there for him for each of his brake up or drug relapse but when I finally needed him when my dog of 15 years pass he made me feel like I was clingy and taking to much of his time, it wasn’t until I notice how supportive I felt with my female friend compare to how he made me feel I realize our friendship was super one sided and block him.
You did the right thing
This is such an intriguing topic! It's subtle too. I've heard a guy saying that he doesn't want to pay for dates. But if he goes out with a female friend then she'll pay for her own meal. This way he enjoys the company of a cute woman without having to court the woman. I myself do feel it weird to have male friends, unless they're professed gay. With close male friends there's this weird vibe of, well, do you like me or are you attracted to me? It's just awkward and weird, and doesn't do us any good.
That is in fact a form of low effort dating and they don’t even access the girl properly
Yeah I have to admit I wouldn’t go out one on one with a male acquaintance/colleague unless they were gay. Otherwise, personally I feel like I would be opening myself up as showing romantic interest where there is none. It would just feel very weird and inappropriate but I appreciate this is just my perception.
yas y'all can have male friends but not when they're dusties who are leeching off you for what you bring by existing. setting boundaries and seeing how they behave when you do is so important! elle's videos have been enlightening and literlaly remind me that the relationships we have with men/women, whether platonic or romantic, should be abundant, secure and loving/supportive. if not, get out! wondering if we can touch upon the topic of infertility tho? would love to hear how this is viewed in your perspective especially with the way it socially affects an individual bc of "women being the source of creation"
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We are the source of creation for waaay more than just babies! Valuing women primarily for birthing children is patriarchal.
wondering if we can touch upon the topic of infertility tho? would love to hear how this is viewed in your perspective especially with the way it socially affects an individual bc of "women being the source of creation" - YES, PRETTY PLEASE. This topic is really not enough covered IMO
@@Blackpill149tbh this depends on the nature of your relationship and how often y'all talk + dynamic + boundaries. if you're getting signals that indicate something more, then you gotta respond and be clear. if they don't understand, out they go lol
@@AmericanDreamerfr it kinda feels a bit reductionist at times. hope this is covered soon!
Sadly I had to learn this the hard way. I had a childhood male friend who was always there for me. If someone hurt me he’d be there, and if I needed advice he would be there to give me a man’s perspective on things. When I was 21, I noticed that my friend’s advice was kind of weird. He was very adamant about me breaking up with my boyfriend at the time, and I eventually did. I shrugged off the skepticism I felt about my male friend’s advice. About a week later that same male friend tried to make a move on me and I rejected his advances. He kept on dismissing me and attempted to SA me. Fast forward to this year… I went out with a male coworker I thought I could trust, and he SA’d me. No good has come to me from trusting male friends.
Hey I’m sorry that happened to you and I hope you get the support to deal with the trauma from the SA. Please take the time to heal, find a support group and therapy. You will get through this. 💗 And just to reiterate what was said in the video, adjust your use of the title “friend”. A friend doesn’t hurt you… those guys were NEVER your friends. Be well and know that you are worth being here. 💗💗💗
i’m so sry
thank u so much for this video. i'm in the process of healing my femininity, but i just couldn't bring myself to end my friendships with men. i'm convinced now, that it is necessary, and no wonder i always felt so drained and used when i'd hang out with them. i always felt like i was being taken advantage of, and now i see i should have listened to my instinct
If you feel ALWAYS drained and used after taking to friends (no matter what gender) - those people aren't compatible with you(either they're being some sort of "emotional vampires" or your intuition tells you something is off) Just choose the friends talking to whom makes you feel better
So true
After this year my level of trust in men is soooooo low. Ended two male friendships after realizing I was being taken advantage of in multiple ways. One of them had told me he viewed me as a sister for years then tried to get in my pants while he was tipsy this summer. Another treated me like his girlfriend in terms of how much he demanded from me emotionally and in terms of how much he relied on me for validation (and used the silent treatment on me when I wasn't his lap dog!!). I can't trust male friendships anymore. There are only a handful of guys in this world I trust at this point.
Before I found your channel I taught myself a huge lesson about male friendships (the hard way). I had a guyfriend who I didn’t know very long, but who worked at my job for a while and everyone who worked closely with him (other girlies who I trust) even felt he was super safe and ‘not weird’. Fast forward, I have him over for dinner (I cooked - YES I’m cringing at this myself, don’t say it, I learned) and had set clear boundaries about 5 times ahead of time, telling him that he needed to stay behind boundaries and this was just a friendship etc. To the point where he actually said “you’ve set this boundary multiple times so I can tell you’re worried; don’t worry!! I heard you and I respect your boundaries!” 😩 long story short, it turned fckin weird anyways. I tried to get him to leave twice and he ignored me after getting MAD at me and sitting me down on the couch to talk about how I was supposedly creating barriers to intimacy (that I never promised and in fact set boundaries against) and “being weird” then blaming me for us having a heavy conversation. Saying I should’ve been nicer about asking him to leave and just told him I wanted to sleep (which I then did again a bit later and he didn’t listen and ended up leaving at 2 am after I had gone into shutdown mode and let myself be extremely uncomfortable for several hours, realizing I couldn’t do anything to make him leave and just waiting it out with my soul outside my body). After that experience I felt so stupid and violated and I vowed to never be in that situation again. Male friends are not to be trusted no matter how trustworthy they present themselves to be. It’s very unfortunate but true, and everything you say in your videos sheds light on this dynamic and why it can’t work out.
The issue here is your lack of boundaries You should never invite a man over nor cook for you That is like saying to him you are available and ready to f*** The only time I had male friends for dinner is when there were my parents and they were a group. You gave the man mixed signals saying with your words you wanted only a friendship but with your actions (giving him access to you in your home alone and cooking dinner for him) you said a different story Maybe your feelings were confused? Why you wanted alone time with this man at your home? In the privacy of your home? Why did you want to cook for him? I never cooked for friends
@@FoundSheep-ANThis is also a situation where you don’t know this until you experience it. Many don’t teach their children what the proper boundaries are between the sexes. They also don’t teach women the dangers of everything you mentioned. When I was late teens through early twenties, I wasn’t aware of the dangers of having males at my house or really of the mixed message it would send to them. I had to experience a few scary situations to figure that out. 😕
@@FoundSheep-AN You need to stop victim-blaming. Period. He's a grown man. He knows how to get up and leave without throwing a temper tantrum. How dare you.
ur so strange…
most of my guy friends treat me like their girlfriend and I never understood why but now I do thanks elle!!
Unpopular opinion but I’m gonna have to disagree, I have some male friends that are genuinely good guys. They’re also not guys that have romantic feelings towards me/have ever tried to make a move. We genuinely enjoy each others friendship and I hope other ladies can also find some good male friends if that’s what they’re looking for.
Just wait.
@@Juniperus_Godegara kinda sad that you want the opposite to be true. I don’t receive that energy but I wish you the best.
@@sxerosie It has nothing to do with whether I want it or not. If you're over 80 years old and state that, I won't be suspicious. My point is that usually women find out that those male friends were never true friends years into the 'friendship'. Anyway, enjoy while it lasts, I hope it will work out for you. Just don't be blind.
Yeeeess new vid!! Slowly learning this, slowly learning this 🙏 in university right now as a stem girlie so it’s more likely that I interact with guys. But I totally agree with your point. Acquaintances are different from real true “friendship”
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I believe you can be friends with male friends. I recently moved and I was able to call not only on my female friends but on my guy friends to help with the move. It seems kind of sad to think that kindness from men can only be given when they want something back in return.
Here's the thing. I think it's fine to be friends with a boy...if he has other friends that are girls. If you're the only friend he has that's a girl then that's the problem. However if they have other friends that are girls then I don't see the harm and I mean they're called friends for a reason not relationships.
I’m 38 and learned much of your messaging across all your videos the hard way. I’m incredibly grateful that younger women have these videos and can save themselves a lot of time, energy, and heartache. Would have loved to have had access to videos like these when I was in my teens and twenties, instead of magazines telling me to cater to men in every single way imaginable. Happily married these days, but whew it was an exhausting and dangerous road along the way. Thank you for creating this space. I hope the ladies are listening. 💕
I think it’s fine to be friends with guys, so long as it’s immediately established that there’s no chance of anything more than platonic. If the guy isn’t okay with that, then he didn’t actually want friendship and you’re better off without him
I get the standpoint but i geniuenly hate that such mindset will hurt men who ACTUALLY want to just be friends because of those who are boyfriends with no title. We should change how men view women, not ditch male-female friendships entirely, that just sounds like an immature solution to me
I recently read an article where a young lady was in a car accident and when the police showed up before the ambulance he $exually as$aulted her and prevented the EMT from rendering aid. Protect yourself ladies!!!!
Just curious...how could the said lady have protected herself in such a situation?
@@gwihanatrue
It's much harder now to make friends with guys. It used to be a lot easier before, because we were more open to understanding things from the other person's perspective. But a lot of guys just refuse to do that now. With all this red pill and all in the picture, even the guys who got over it, they are much more self centred and always make everything about themselves, and they make EVERYTHING man vs woman now. how can someone like that think from your perspective?
I understand that many women have had bad experiences with male friendships but let's not put all men in the same box. One of my best friends is a man, we've been close friends for over 6 years but it is clear to both of us that we only want it to be platonic. It's not like he finds me unattractive or looks down on me but we don't have that sexual or romantic chemistry. And yes I know for sure that we are on the same page because we have talked these things through. I have more guy friends who never have even hinted at wanting to make a move, I think it might have also to do with the environment that we grew up in since I see platonic friendships between men and women everywhere. To me, it's a red flag if a man can't be platonic friends with women, it's a sign of sexism, and I find it a very realistic standard to have where I live.
I agree
You sound European of some sort, I would guess Northern European. In many parts of the world (US, MENA, South Asia etc) the nature of society and male-female relationships are inherently extractive. She is making an important point for those young & green who will be lured in by "nice guy friends."
I agree
Im eastern European and I can agree. I had a few male friends who didn't want me sexually or romantically. But the point is that our friendships were still terrible. Emotional connection was impossible, thy would never listen to me, make fun of me and treat me like a "bro". They would put me down but still want me to be around. (For connections, comfort etc) . It's common for us to befriend men but mostly because girls find it "relaxing" and "fun":video games, etc. And boys like to cry about their emotions to their girl friends. (probably because therapy is not accessible in post-soviet countries). Anyway, I don't want any male friends, they are energy drainers and they are not capable of emotional support, unless we are in a relationship. @@MaryAX
@@parkhomenkopolina5901 sooo true!!! 💯 That's exactly why I specified because I feel that there's this sort of "forced friendly" culture / ideology in North / Western Europe (including those of that origin in America) which, while it may seem more pleasant for women socially & upfront, is basically an affront to whatever agenda men have going on behind the scenes. If you don't accept their "friendliness" that directly means you don't accept the underlying intent, goals, and actions (basically the entire covert premises) lurking _behind_ it. This is why they turn angry when you don't reciprocate. Why on earth would not smiling make someone angry? When other cultures display misogyny, they tend to be more direct, whereas in the societies I mentioned above it's more like laying a trap. The person who is intended to fall in the trap never has a conception of when it may or may not happen - it's essentially a game of Russian roulette. The point of this channel is we refuse to play that (ie, these games) with men.
No but fr, let’s talk about it. I grew up with brothers so when I was younger like in middle and high school , hanging out with guys around my age was chill; however it’s only up until they went through puberty. Like the change was just weird. They would go to being friends with a girl to seeing them as an object. Like her boobs aren’t big enough or she isn’t thick enough and so on. These comments would literally be made on their on girl friends. It made me take a step back because all they started to see girls as was something to have pleasure with. And let’s not forget where they would call the girl they’re messing with a hoe-
I've always had female friendships and grew up very close to all my cousins. This way, I can get unfiltered, non-biased roasts from my male family members with no worries. It wasn't until I realized this male/female friendship dynamic when I started going on dating apps. My purpose is to obviously DATE, but I once went out on a few dates with a guy who claimed he was looking for something long-term. Then one day he asks, if this doesn't work out he wants to keep being "friends" since we get along... Like sir?!?! Told him I was not interested in that pipeline because once the talking/dating stage is done... it's done. He couldn't comprehend it. Now I know why his IG following is over 900 people (mainly girls).
Oh yes, I am over 35 now and can't believe that these little girls these days have thousands of followers, as if they'd be stars or something
I feel for that bullshit twice, with two different men almost 5 years apart. I'm done with guys honestly. They are a waste of time emotionally, financially and smexually.
when you said like sir i'm not interested in that pipeline 🤣
Men can expand your worldview way beyond your female circle. A lot of female friendships are echo chambers and placeholders until one gets into a relationship. How many times has a bestie dumped you bcuz she has a man now? I don't think you only benefit from being around 1 man for your entire life (esp for those without dads and brothers). As always use your discernment.
Oof great points all around though! About besties dumping… I’ve been used for therapy after break up and then instantly dropped as soon as they started dating their now husbands. These are supposed Childhood friendships, I hear from them once a year. I spent months rah rahing telling them to spend time alone and love themselves. They’re friends with their mans’ friends now. Also occasionally had male friendships growing up cause my interests didn’t always seem to overlap with girls and women as much IRL. For example I’ve had the musical taste of a 40 year old man since i was a child and girls in highschool were only trying to talk about boys and the twilight book series. online spaces are entirely different and that’s why i end up preferring them . Easier to connect with likeminded individuals and also easier to learn about people that are absolutely nothing like me! All that being said , i still don’t really see myself having any close male friendships in the future but I’m always down for learning form acquaintances.
I have been thinking about this for a minute so it's so nice you made a video on this topic as well!! I'm glad we are uniting with ourselves and realizing this after our personal experiences. Thank you for your video elle, they are important❤❤❤
OMG thank you so much for saying this, I have been thinking this for years but I never said it out loud because I knew I would get a lot of backlash. I hope a lot more girls and women will watch this video.
Thanks Elle for this video 🤗🌸 was wondering could you please make a video on how to thrive in a male dominant career, and how to navigate the energies of having male & female cliquey colleagues? Thanks a bunch 🙏🏻♥️
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So I agree with most things said in the video especially that a lot of male "friends" wait for their turn and get mad as if we owe them something bc they waited for so long. But I have to disagree with the fact that you should drop friendships "if you dont get the same energy back". A relationship no matter platonic or romantic should inherently be selfless. There shouldnt be something to get out of the relationship, something to gain or advantages. There will be times you as a friend will put in more work bc your friends need your help and vice versa. You cant put in 50/50 effort every day especially in platonic friendships you cant expect them to always to "return" something to you. This makes relationships to other people selfish and I dont agree with that line of thinking
and some men still have the audacity to make ''jokes'' about their female peers.
I want to talk about my story for a little bit because I regret it, don’t let a man that you like who’s your friend take advantage of the fact that you like him; I made this mistake, it led to me entering a low stakes courting situation and then him rejecting me after basically being my boyfriend for like a year and a half. Do not let it happen to you, it wasn’t worth the risk and now I feel like I don’t have a friend in him; maybe he was never my friend. Elle is right, a lot of men are not your friend. I will never make this mistake again.
I ended a relationship with a guy and he begged me to stay friends cause "he can't imagine his life without me in it". He was always there whenever he saw i liked another guy.He kept sleeping with any woman who would have him but when i did it once with a guy he got mad and called me the B word. The entire time we weren't friends. He still kept hoping i'll get back to him. Another ex bf turned "friend": He told me at the end of it all when he eventually realized that i ain't going back to him that the only reason he stayed "friends" with me was to see me suffer and cry after each breakup.He also became good "friend" with my family in order to find out news about me and talk sh##t about me in a "concerned" tone. Never again!
Okay but how do you make friends with girls? And what if I am a lesbian? (idk for sure yet but now that seems to be the case) I can't talk to girls and get very close without catching certain feelings. So I always keep certain distance out of respect. As a result they feel like I'm weird/awkward/disingenuous, and stay away from me entirely.
it’s ok girlie once u find a partner you probably won’t fall for the other girls but idrk
Great and honest question
Just be yourself and don’t think about it. If you see people as just people before even considering romantic interest you won’t have an issue. Your comment is kind of why this video is a little silly because double standards do exist and lots of women do the same thing to men. To be fair it’s not as much but it still happens. Women even do it to other women and men do it to other men. People are just people and shitty people are just shitty
Besties she’s dropping 💎✨ The absolute same with gay male friends too- When I started to look a little deeper a lot of gay men ABSOLUTELY use friendships with women to gain access to other often straight men. And don’t get me started on male “friends” every male friend I have had who was straight either hinted at/insisted upon/or fell in love. In my nice girl era I fell for it losing both friend and or love when it ended. They will “hint hint” even when in a full ass relationship or marriage like it’s insane how driven by desire and lust so many of them can be. Ladies you haaaave to keep them at a distance. Especially if you can’t play the game and heavily in your feelings. They will use you up and not even think twice. I’m not even mad about it- Now I get paaaaid or at the very least advantageous in whatever dealings I have with them
Yes! I’ve never been able to have gay male friendships because they end up so competitive (which i am not) and it makes me uncomfortable cause i didn’t even realize we were in competition over anything ? It’s too exhausting.
@@amethyst0neI am shocked to read this as how can the gay guys try to compete for straight men? That is just so weird of them 🙄