Victim: Avoid Becoming Psychopathic Narcissist
Severely traumatized victims of abuse (with PTSD and CPTSD) often become avoidant. But they also display psychopathic and narcissistic traits and behaviors. These are reactive and transient: they vanish without a trace once the victims are nurtured back to health in a holding and loving environment and go full-fledged no contact with their abuser
The psychopathic and narcissistic overlays (these acquired responsive learned traits and behaviors) do not amount to personality styles and disorders. They just serve to counter the abuse or contain it and restore eroded self-efficacy and a sense of agency in the traumatic space. In this sense, they are actually healthy and indicative of resilience.
The victim becomes self-centred, dysempathic, defiant, goal-oriented, reckless, lying, or aggressive just in order to survive in the pathological environment and the multifarious assaults on her identity and individuality.
Theodore Millon wrote this in his seminal "Personality Disorders in Modern Life": "Many readers will be surprised that some of their best qualities express characteristics associated with the antisocial personality ... a capacity for self-sufficiency, ambition, competitiveness, and a constructive pursuit of individuality and self-determination"
Scholars like Oldham, Morris, Maccoby, and Dutton uphold this view that a modicum of psychopathy is actually healthy and a prerequisite for survival and success in certain situations, environments, and professions.
Buy most of my books in Amazon www.amazon.com/stores/page/60...
If you dance with the devil, the devil doesn't change. You change... I was very close to seriously hurting someone in retaliation of being headfucked and gaslighted again and again. My empathy stopped me, and I realised that I nearly turned into the same thing they were. I realized later on one of the people involved was trying to break my morals because she thought it'd be funny to change my nature as proof she had power over me. Nearly played into their hands, negativity just feeds them. Just get the fuck away from them. Don't fight back, don't sit and take it, get yourself to fuck and treat them like they're a stranger, like they don't exist. That'll hurt them enough, because they understand they've screwed themselves out of a good supply, if only for that reason.
I remember thinking I don’t like who I’m becoming as a result of things, so this makes sense. Thanks for the message! 💕
I can relate. This video is quite timely for me, and much appreciated. Thank you, Sam Vaknin
It's called reactive abuse. Survival for dealing with the devil.
I now understand my Mother's actions when I was in my teens and up. Her abuse was getting worse, so her outrages on us got worse. I feel sad for not knowing about narcissism and its effects before she died. I wish she would have left him (my 94 yr old still sharp as a tack dad) a long time ago, but her generation didn't do this. I'm realizing my Mother was strong and did the best she could. God rest her soul.
Re: That generation, they stuck it out. Very sad if it was with a narcissist.
OMG.. I feel soo overwhelmed. I have a counsellor, but she isn't very helpful.. so I look at KZhead. Seems he is a narvisdit, but I am BPD, CPTSD and secondary narcissist.. soo confused. 😔
but at some point when its safe we need to do the inner work, to not let someone's shadow kill our light
@@carospereman3537 Yes I feel similar for my biological father, the person he was has either changed or I didn't know him at all I dont really know but I could see some of my negative traits in him which was very much similar to vulnerable narcissism after being narcissistically abused for a long time ourselves
Oh it's contagious in the sense you make the victim depressed or anxious or angry and that tends to cause the victim to lash out on others or the abuser.
"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you"
3 months no contact today! THE HURT AND DESIRE FOR REVENGE KILLED THE ABUSED VERSION OF MYSELF. I realized it was best for me to see myself as a warrior. Shit I left the narc boyfriend of 2 years before knowing about the subject and maybe without the truth I would of gone back to the abuser. I allowed myself to heal and isolated since the breakup I am now doing much better and I'm glad I learned about all these disordered individuals for future references lol. I'm still an empath full of light to light up anywhere I go. He did not break me. I will not allow myself to be disrespected in any way from now on. You can do it too. Don't waste more your time.
I still have anger issues from my dad drowning me in a lake when I was 5. A man found me and did CPR. I had to go back and live with that monster for another 9 years until he tried choking me to death because I was 5 minutes late coming home. My mom heard the rukus and got him to let go of my throat. The next day, I told her I was leaving before he killed me.
Horrific! I am so sorry and I’m angry on your behalf so I can only imagine how you’re feeling😢
Ann that is so horrendous. A big loving hug from a total stranger .... I wish you peace and healing ❤️🌹
Could you have reportedit?
@@amnak.alsh.1239 Thanks, I forgot I posted this. It doesn't seem real to me when I read it.
@@kangarookids7497 I know you posted this along time ago, but I wanted to answer you. Yes, I reported him to child protective services when I was 11. He denied everything. I also ran away several times and was forced to go back by the police. My dad was friends with most of the cops where I lived as he was a real psychopathic charmer who conned everyone.
5 months after leaving physical, emotional abusive relationship, im so tired, exhausted, self shaming and guilty. I'm in counselling but the ruminating, flashbacks, insominia is still very much present. I leave my house, my bedroom only to go to work or grocery shopping or counselling session. To the outsiders I am apparently doing so well, recently I became aware of my bitterness, irritability and impatience of others, I'm ashamed of my anger with the narcissist because I never knew or was aware that so much rage existed within me. I'm so worried that I have bpd or I am borderline. So confusing. Thank you for mentioning that it can take 1-3 years to find some normalcy because I have been trying to just feel normal again or whatever that feels like again. This video has helped me tonight to understand a little bit more about why I reacted as I did, even though it was wrong, I just want to stop beating myself up, sleep and maybe see a future again.
Wishing you well Halie.
Hi Halie. I am in the exact same boat. I hope things are getting better for you.
I'm 3 weeks in and I feel just like you do.
Hi Halie. I'm currently going through the same. Would you mind giving a update. Hope you are well.
Thank you, Sam. When you have been told by the narc that you are over-reacting or imagining things, your messages are very confirming that emotional abuse is actually taking place. Thanks again!
A
Exactly !! He tried for 2 years to convince me that I was imagining and over reacting on off all the time and everytime I tried to get up and becoming better he show up and trying to contact me !! He has a huge energy of patience he don't give up or even know what means no !! I said it everytime no I m done it s over !!! You hurting me !! You mean it !! He tried always to show me sings that he has another girl !!! Especially on social media!! He caused me confusion= what he want exactly ? He loved me ? That s why he always come buck!? Or what exactly!!?? But I knew the reason !!! He wanted to play !lgames !! Everytime come buck to punish me!! I think he is syncopate!!! That s it
I did not want to hear this. I needed to hear this.
🥺 same
I turned to Jesus out of desperation. Now I walk with him daily. Being born again pulled me out of the dark and into the light. It’s helped me know I’m not alone. In him, I’ve found true joy. More than anything, I learned how to forgive everyone of everything as often as needed. I forgive my narcissist multiple times per day. I ask forgiveness for my own anger and hatred. It’s such a feeling of relief. I also joined a good church. I attend Bible college(2 hrs each Tuesday), Wednesday and Sunday service and take disciple class. All of these things get me out of the house away from my narcissist and I’m able to come home each time with peace and forgiveness. I’ve also made so many new friends and volunteered to visit elderly once a month. I hope you can turn to God and repent. I can’t express how much better I feel. I love you long short story and will pray you are ok.
@@angiedixon8017 are you serious !!! ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️😭😭 I found Jesus too after this abuse and I was born in a totally Hindu family, and now Jesus is the reason I am healing and learning to forgive I became a better person visibly after Jesus started to help me this just isnt a coincidence This is so special and valuable we have such similar stories
@@angiedixon8017 Sister ♥️😭
@@longstoryshort8657 HALLELUJAH sister! 💕🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
Everything you said is right. I know from my life. In a marriage with a narcissist for 5 years. I am a borderline now. I am losing my empathies also. Your videos have been really helpful. Please provide solutions as well.
@Lia N. Gkasouka That's a relief.
Lia N. Gkasouka THANK YOU.
Leave.
Me 15 years dr still no solution
Smirks, sarcasm and belittling. It's tiring me out and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells
I had that as well Tim, by the truck load, from my ex. Moody, difficult, childish, angry, always gas-lighting, no intimacy, narcissistic, bullying, hyper-sensitive, mean, cruel, always ready to fight, never cuddled, never held hands, told me she didn't fancy me, always unhappy, insulting, compulsive liar, manipulative, devious, dangerous and very risky emotionally and financially. Every interaction with her felt dangerous.
I had suspected this metamorphosis but this video really provided context and clarity for me. I do not believe I can go back to my former self, I feel like that person has died and all that remains is what is embedded in my DNA that is retrieved automatically. Sometimes when I am conscious of what I am doing ( being my former self) I think that behavior is exactly why you ended up in that situation and I stop myself 😕 using a more shrewd point of reference as an alternative
"Like catching fleas from a dog 🐶" LOL ♥
This, was a check list of my last 2 years. An explanation of my thoughts behaviors and actions. I appreciate your work dr. V you help alot of people!!!
In order to do not lose my mind, I got narcissistic traits and I don't know if it is reversible. To find out what was going on with that person, I had to learn how to manipulate people around him, I got selfish and, after some time, it was usual to hear from people that knew him that I smile like him, my voice looked like his. I learned to use sex to get information that I wanted, I became a very negative person, I was addicted to something I didn't understand. I know it is not possible to acquire a personality disorder after some age, but something definetly changed.
I saw the evil and the devil in his eyes many times . I lived in survival mode mostly for my children . So many times I wished to sleep and not wake up . But it’s behind me ... thank goodness . However I do feel that I have become somewhat like him as a result of the cruelty I endured with him for so long .
This is the first time I've listened to someone explain why and how I became, and am trying to "unbe" who I am after 32 years with what I now know to be a Narcissist. T his man understands things that I never believed anyone would. Thank you so very much, Sam!!
Thank you so much sir! This video put closure and nails on the coffin in so many deferent emotional dimensions for me after almost 3 years of suffering, struggling, trying to heal, trying to hate, trying to heal and hate at the same time and no language could express my current gratitude to you and your videos.
Right on- thank you. Describing her to a T. Been dating a woman who was married to a psychopath for 40 years since she was 17. She is very narcissistic and gets enraged when I point out that she was abused and her psychopath brother is now abusing her. I think she is gone- beyond any sense of grasping what has happened to her. She is the professional victim. I can't imagine what she has gone through. Sad. I loved her very much and there was potential there.
soooo true. I am a big time survivor with a strong character. after having my walls torn down by my narcissist and no longer recognizing myself, being taken advantage of in every way, I turned. I beat them at their own game. felt guilty for a while. no longer
Victim, Aggressor, Saviour cycles and enmeshment with narcissistic societies as well as individuals. That's why it's imperative to exit the hive matrix and live your authentic self so you don't get dragged along with the hive. In nature... Its all tree's but no two tree's are ever the same.
I am Black American & agree with you 100%, everything you said. Wow. Interesting observation & analysis!!!!
"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
That one was incredibly helpful and answered so many questions, thank you
Yet another great explanation. Thank you 😊
Dear Sam, Please keep on innovating, defining, snd creating new concepts, as you've been doing for years.
Thank you for all these videos and this information. It's incredibly helpful
Sam a video on how to burn away the conditioning of the narc , leaving us feeling like we are bad for simply living .. like we are wrong for what we are good at , wrong to want the things we like , wrong to even want what is good for us and can help us .. wrong for noticing what we like about ourselves ..
What's helped me is realizing that thier attacks were never based in reality . Narcs do not live in the same world normal person lives in .. they are merely attempting to deceive you. And you do not have to let yourself be deceived or feel about about the situation. In counter , just love yourself .
Red Oak24 My God. Thank you so much for sharing.
When I watched the movie "Get On Up," I remember thinking, wow, this is pretty much like watching the blueprint of the creation of a narcissist.
Excellent video Sam.
Brilliantly elaborated !❤️🐆🌞🦅🤗💞
Narcissistic contagion sounds very similar to what Nietzsche described with ressentiment. A reactionary moral dilemma.
Great intro!
I worked for a guy eho had strong narcissistic tendencies, not a narcissist though. But you were definetely with him or against him. I quit, and then five people followed me in leaving. I really had to work hard for a few months to get back to a more positive version of reality after i left.
So true. This pandemic forced me to realize im doin what she is doin to me. The reality of my triggers forced me to get our my pain into the reality that my children may have to face the same pain as me. I understand i cant control who They will be, but i may b able to help them by healing.
Fear is the beginning, then acceptance, boldness, mob
Brilliant Sam. So insightful and so incredibly helpful. Thank you for your great work !!
Yes, I have been putting up with this for 28 years on and off. I have left him 4 times and about to walk out again on June 26th.
Hope you got out
Hope you did it
You have described me to a T. Thank you for helping me understand I am me!
I love your material. I agree with you in terms of racism. Collectively white people are being accountable, but individually we(Black) people are squandering this unity moment of emotional evolution. It frustrates me to here the entitlement and inability to highlight more solutions and conversations where everyone can have a say without being "canceled" I have had people address me with ignorance and racial undertones. Despite this I have in some cases identified an intention to connect in someone using their limited remedial vocabulary. What else are they supposed to use other than the limited tools they have? On the other hand I've come across those who are PC and speak with kindness and compassion and all the right words in order to initiate kinship, and still hate everything about me. Never judge a book by its cover. Treat everyone on a case by case basis if possible. I hope we figure it out before we cross a threshold we cannot "un" cross
This whole world is just a crazy house where we are all abusing and destroying each other.
No. There are genuinely patient and kind people who want others to feel safe.
Sam, Black and white people and all races are rioting, you are absolutely correct when you acknowledge the struggles of black people, they do both misbehave white and black people, so you pointed this out in a great way... Mr. Vaknin, Victims do start behaving like narcissist... I love your videos...
Tysm, Dr.S.V.!
After 23 years of being a son of one I am just realising now. I strongly have the traits and default reactions despite my new beliefs. I sense people getting caught in my web of shit. Is it best for me to live alone for a while?
LOL!! @ 8:30!!!! You’re hilarious, Sir Vaknin!! 😂😂
Superb!
I have become an abuser in frustration that my side seems to have no value.
Thank you 💞
Tip: Read Books. Increases empathy and prevents cognitive decline.
Yeeeeeeeeeees! Oh my goodness ! I literally had to bleed for my narcissists to let me go. Be-cause he said he doesn't leave unless you bleed. Then he'll go. Wow 👏 😮 👏 😮 👏 😮 👏 😮 👏 😮 👏 😮 👏 😮 👏 😮 👏 😮 👏 😮 👏 😮 👏 😮 👏 😮 👏 😮 👏 😮 👏 😮 👏 😮 👏 😮 👏 But he's still messing with me. Just saying the most horrible things to get other's hate me. Ahhhhh Hard to see when your in danger when its all around you all the time-consuming of your life. Years of healing. Just to move on to a-n-other one. A-gain and a-gain! Now I'm so excited to work on my self I don't want a re-lation-ship! No more re-bounds! Ahhhh!
Dear Sam Vaknin, tank u for the video!
Exactly, if you really want the healing you gotta stick it out till you've had enough, not when you feel offended or when others push you to let go.
Love your videos Sam. From the standpoint of a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I am always informed and validated in my thoughts and feelings about what I experienced. From the standpoint of a black person however, I also feel absolutely upset, angry and exhausted about the mistreatment of black people that has been going on for centuries in the US and elsewhere. Can you please confirm for me whether you think there may be a collective trauma / PTSD amongst black people at the moment, hence their reaction? Also, how would you, in your normal way (psychologically), explain the REASONING behind prolonged racist feelings that has been around for centuries and continues? I have a hard time trying to understand the apparently deep hatred for another group based on how they look.
@part 3 You're invalidating five hundred years of unpaid labor as " a universal timeless human behavior".
@Sepi Maganu I do think we as black ppl experience trauma/ptsd. Especially from childhood..our parents. We got whipped by our parents..it was very abusive. But our parents (most were/are narcissist themselves) had it from their parents and so on. That's why it's so important that we break the cycle once and for all. It started with us...we have to end it as well😓
Thank you
What do our professional victimhood get Us (Black ppl) because I didnt get mine yet 🤔
I find myself avoiding controlling people now but even my dogs staring me down and demanding behaviors set me off, unfortunately.
I have a criminal record that is coincidental to my 30 marriage and the symptoms of everything, literally everything that is described. Becoming catatonic in a mental hospital during treatment for alcoholism, I decided to delve into this unknown nightmarish topic. It was not a description of a mental illness in 2000 in Escambia County, Florida.
I think I am not a professional victim but i am quite sure I have CPTSD. It's months i am trying to fight against it but the more I try and fail, the more helpless I feel. Could you please post a video in which you explain what can we do as survivors to stop having this stupid behavioural and emotional manifestations and go back to the stable normal person I once was? Sometimes it is really difficutl to know what to do. Thanks
Could you do your homework and search my channel before you waste my time?
@@samvaknin lol
@@samvaknin well technically I didn't waste your time but maybe you could learn to not give some unnecessarily mean answers to the people that follow you and find support on you. Ill understand you anyway cos you're a psychopath too.
@@samvaknin by the way i checked ur chanel pretty much, and may i rephrase my request in order for you not have the perception i waste your time. Could u explain CPTSD from the psychodinamic perspective in a pretty developed way, as you did with Borderline personality disorder and Narcissistic Personality disorder? it may help some fucked up people like me, which i guess is the final aim of your chanel
This has now happened to my son in a matter of a few months he had been away from him for 3 years and he has finally broke my son down now and he lives with the other parent believing that I am all everything is wrong with me
Love your videos. What happends when two workplace psyc. Meets at work? Does WPS tend to recruite someone of thiere own kind? Will a confortation is possible? Keep posting.
Too late for That but ok :( you are the best at explaining things I wish I was in your class I wouldn’t even blink
I am having trouble digesting this concept of controlled retraumatization -- I am supposed to break No Contact with my Psychopathic narcissist in therapy for any hope of recovering from the trauma bond or C-PTSD? I never cheated on him and I don't anticipate ever taking the chance with another relationship with a man because I attract narcissists-- the next one will kill me, where the last one just tried.
The best is no contact
Professor, with the measured increase in depression over the span of the pandemic, is it possible that these folks' depression was present prior to, but rather, allowed to manifest with the lockdown? I began the pandemic with the notion that I would "insert cleaning and productivity list" and within the first month (we were pretty much in lockdown for 18 months here in Canada), I slid into depression.. or was it unwinding from a neurotic culture? I was tired, tired of running, and it was running full tilt into a brick wall. So it did seem like depression, or even a waking up to the reality of how things are, from the collective psychosis.
The idea of unwinding from a neurotic culture is interesting…u might be on to something there
lmao! A twofer from Vaknin! 😂😂🙌 Lay it on us, Sam!!
So this imitation phenomenon is basically tit for that in a revenge cycle of imitation abuse
I would like to ask you about the cheating. Would a possible alternative reason for the shared cheating be that it helps the tribe? More of a primative survival team work association? I ask because I experienced a similar effect in engineering school taking exams in tight seating (such as colosseum) where friends (dorm mates) would leave their answer sheets visible so you could check your answers against theirs - and they could check their answers against yours and their neighbor. So you have a asst. on your left, right, front, and we kind of worked as a team because time was limited and you had to cram rather than actually learn. The objective was to get through the gauntlet (prize being a degree and money for life) learning anything was only required to pass exams you couldn't cheat on. Engineering is like bootcamp so there is a lot of bonding and team work which is more effective in goal reaching. So I was thinking ...maybe it isn't necessarily always 'infecting' as much as tribal identity and survival. In a pack you follow the most aggressive and ruthless. Mob the same. What do you think?
If anybody asks me what’s wrong with me, I can now simply send them the link to this video. Absconding with the family’s finances - great idea too, thank you.
so where would i go for help? trauma psychotherapist?
staying away from those "no eyes" types that only speak "victim". Round and round they'd go if its anything beyond indifference, so sensitive to an actual head with opinions, so best learn from their over reactivity and browse areas of selected types that have PROVEN TO HANDLE ACTIVE ADULT RESPONSIBILITIES.
Little by little, you'll get the intelectual recognition that that you deserve. Remember how many centuries took Aristotle to be recognized. What you are describing in this video is in a popular metaphor in Spain denominated: "entrar al trapo". It's based in a bullfighting similar behavior: a brave bull is supposed to accept the challenge and in that way, after being previously hurt, he would replicate the violence by attacking the only thing he can barely see: the big red cap that the bullfighter uses to deceive the bull till the final step: a nice and clean long spade killing him, hopefully just in one try. From this story comes the popular saying:"entrar al trapo". Being the "trapo" the big red cap used by the bullfighter. The victim (the bull) responds with similar violence. Therefore, his victim status didn't improve.
Great video Sam, I watched and have contracted by TEOTWAWKI. Take Care, and Thank you again for sharing your knowledge.
Please help me I know no contact he is now seeking a therapist but denise the sociopath behavior that he learned from her
Is it true awerness enhancement cures this whole defect in the narcissist pshyce ?
No. samvak.tripod.com/2.html
If u avoid things connected w the ptsd event - is that helpful ?
Yes. These are called "triggers".
You are describing how the Israelis are behaving towards the Palestinians. The terrible genocide of WWII does not justify what is going on in Israel. It's a mockery of justice.
I fully agree with you, though the Palestinians are no saints.
@@samvaknin Yes, these situations engender vicious circles. It's hard for people to move on, on a personal level as you say, and even harder it seems when it comes to hordes of people at varying stages of healing. Thanks for a great presentation.
Sam I swear to you I'm with the classic man who married a narcissists sociopath woman know he acts just like her he idolized her now acts just like her
Emil Cioran wrote that we always become a little bit more like the person we hate (abuser in this case)
And we hate the person who resembles us most samvak.tripod.com/journal87.html
@@samvaknin Very eloquent article. I think there is another reason we hate people who resemble us and it's because they have not yet challenged some boundary within themselves that we successfully achieved. For example, I used to be very shy as a kid, and as an adult, when I see an extremely shy person the same age as me (nearly-me), I sometimes judge them for not having put themselves in uncomfortable social situations voluntarily like I did and learn from them...
Well, let's just say that I find it rather amusing. He desires me as a seductive object. With each passing week, I find myself growing weary 😂 I enjoy sharing fictional tales with him, such as pretending that the doctor diagnosed me with scoliosis, among other things. The reaction on his face is priceless. 😂 Perhaps I could extend my stay a bit longer? 😮 However, that's simply not possible. Last week, he found amusement in placing his hand too close to my throat while I was sleeping. Additionally, I recently purchased a home and I have to start repaying my loan next week. Consequently, I must depart next week. ❤
8:35 😂😂
Blacks had some of the largest plantations and slaves during the same time! What about the Irish slaves? Nobody retells the truth about slavery very often therefore it has been made into blacks as slaves only. No slavery has crossed all nationalities and many more Irish were slaves and died even in the US as they were brought here to build the railroad etc. Many died and were never returned to their families or even reported until much later.
The vast majority of slaves were blacks. White people were brought to the colonies as indentured servants, convicts, etc. Their servitude was time-limited.
Black community in USA is not victims it is the privileged . Read books by Thomas sowell .
No it is not. Racist
Thank you