How To Spot And Prevent Manipulation (Gaslighting)
There are dangerous people in this world who will try to manipulate and control you.
One tool they’ll use is gaslighting, a form of emotional abuse that makes you doubt your own reality. This lets them get away with things that most people wouldn’t tolerate in a relationship.
So today you’ll learn 8 signs someone might be gaslighting you.
One important thing to remember, gaslighting is a pattern. Especially with some of the more subtle signs from later in the video, seeing them once doesn’t necessarily mean you’re being gaslit. But be wary if you see these signs repeatedly.
⏰TIMESTAMPS⏰
0:00 - Intro
0:26 - #1: They attack your sanity
0:53 - #2: They rewrite the past
2:09 - #3: They minimize bad behavior
3:01 - #4: They normalize bad behavior
3:40 - #5: They use empathy hijacking
4:35 - #6: They regularly deflect blame onto you
5:59 - #7: They project their negative qualities onto you
6:53 - #8: They make your emotional reaction the problem
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#gaslighting #CharismaOnCommand
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"That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it." -The Narcissist's Prayer, by Dayna Craig
Wow...
Wow, good one
Thank you... I actually had questions still after 40+ years until reading that in their voice. Thank you for sharing this.
A better summary than this video.
Sounds like a denier of the Armenian genocide
I dated a gaslighter and was dumbfounded by her inability to apologize. In 10 months of dating, the closest she ever got was saying "Well, I'm sorry that YOU..."
I’m sorry for what happened to you but the way you phrased it was hilarious 😂😂😂
🤣 Exactly how my mother apologized to us kids after years of physical and emotional abuse, practically on her deathbed. Guess which one of us 9 kids took care of her daily, until she died? Her scapegoats! 🤦🏻♀️
I'm sorry you feel that way 😂😂
You are totally justified in walking away from that relationship because otherwise, it would have been years of misery for you!
@@cdcdogs4961which one?
Excellent video on this topic. At my advanced age, I think I have it boiled down to one thing: if I feel unpleasantly confused around someone rather often, it's time to get away.
Thank you so much! I really needed to hear that! I’m dealing with the “Unpleasantly Confused” feelings basically every single time I’m with a certain someone anymore. The problem lies in the fact that it’s going to be expensive to just “walk away” and to make things worse (or maybe just more pitiful, I just REALLY want this car to drive properly. I love the way it drives!
exactly! my advice is always examine how you feel in the presence of someone, not rationally what you *should * feel but how your body reacts. feeling uncomfortable, hurt, confused, guilty, shamed etc. i ended a friendship over this a few years ago and so glad i did
😉👍👏👏👏💯
Plain and simple. No one has time for mind games. We have relationships for strong connecting bonds that bring happiness at least most of the time. If the misery tests your sanity then it is no longer a word match no matter how smooth they are.
Thanks for that clarity. You will save people from decades of figuring this out the hard way.
After 43 years with this man and my therapist telling me he gaslights me, I needed this video to prove it to me. I’ve had these conversations hundreds of times. Profound. Wow. I’m not crazy. Wow just wow.
I strongly urge you to look into (name to follow due to this comment being censored many times)'s videos, he really has a way of sobering you up into awareness and calling attention to the roots of these issues we all face in different ways. Much love and I wish you the best. Also, if you'd like to leave an update after, I'd be interested to read your thoughts on it. :)
(Daniel Mackler)
Why didn't you trust your therapist? You shouldn't need a youtube video to tell you that if you're already getting professional help.
@@claudiacarvalho9562 Daniel Mackler explains the disconnect in a lot of therapists better than I could here. The fact is not everybody is competent, let alone proficient and well-experienced, at their job, which is particularly a big problem when dealing with matters involving health and well-being (or lack thereof). I've heard enough horror stories about "therapists" habitually gaslighting clients and siding with their abusers as if there's nothing wrong with it (and had enough experiences with people who are fractured from their own past trauma and often can't even see past their own projections, not to mention the people close to me who are on their healing path running into these same problems as well, sometimes worse than I have), to know that blind trust in this world will lead to big problems. Best not to assume 100% competency (nor goodwill) in any field and keep a critical mind, and to be ready to be honest with yourself and leave if something is causing more problems than it solves, is all I'm saying. Please don't twist my words into "all therapists bad" like I know many out there would. I hope you and your loved ones are doing well.
Hope you divorced him. Nobody should be treated that way
7:22 If my wife tells me she's uncomfortable with me having a friendship with another woman, my "honest" reaction would never be to tell her "you're over reacting". It's not about the fact that she is wrong in her assumption, the point is that she feels there is something wrong. By just telling her she's over reacting, I literally deny her feelings. That is not something you should ever do in a healthy relationship.
"You're over reacting" would basically be saying "Yeah something's going on but I won't tell you and will instead make you feel insane for feeling that way"
The question is, are you being honest? If there is genuinely nothing going on, you van comfort her in a sincere way, if not go back watching the vid.
@@smarre12True that could be the case. There are also situations were the paranoid and accusatory partner is actually the one who is up to something or has in the past and are projecting their own guilt onto the other person. People are complicated and participate in dishonesty on some level with themselves or others more than we would be honest enough to admit.
Please people learn from this comment
I, my husband and two kids used to live with my dad at my grandmother's old farmhouse. My grandmother had dementia And I helped my dad take care of her. Then my dad learned he had stage for cancer so then I also took care of him. But once my dad got sick I lost my protection from my other family members my aunt specifically. One day my Uncle and some of my dad's friends offered to watch my dad for A-day so my family could visit my sister and her kids for A-day have a break. While I was gone. They cut my dad's original locks off his gun rack. They went through his stuff with him. To be clear my dad was high on heavy opiates at the time. I was my dad's power of attorney. Before my dad was all drugged up he told me and my husband to get all his stuff together and lock it up. While we were gone they convinced him to go through it. I came home, And saw that they cut our locks off put their own on. My dad's stuff. And I was locked out of my own basement. And my aunt who lives 2 towns over, her husband, And my Uncle who lived in another state had the keys. I had to ask for them to let me in to my own basement. I was upset I didn't know why they didn't tell me anything why they did this the one day I was gone. I got told that I was overeacting. I said it's dangerous that I can't get into my own basement. What if there's a fire. If we lose power. Also the stuff For the water is down the basement. All my tools everything that I needed was down the basement. Even some of my own stuff. It was also my only place I could escape For some time to myself. Also my aunt can feel like she has some control. Was I overeacting when I expressed that was f***** u*.
You just made me realize that sometimes *I* am gaslighting others. I really need to keep an eye out for my own behavior and to keep checking that I don't subconsciously fall into that behavior
Good for you
That’s very honest. Good for you to understand. And speak up. 😊
Being selfish and protecting your interest , friendship, relationship while trying to defend yourself when you have done something wrong is not gaslighting. Unless you have agenda. There is very thin line between all this.
@@veen88yk ... I exhibit same behaviour and i just impulsively do it ...idk if i have any agenda , or maybe I do. Idk wtf has happened to me...
Gaslighters have often time experienced trauma that makes their version of reality so fragile that their gaslighting is an impulsive unconscious behavior to keep that version of reality in tact because the trauma of facing the world as it is would be so great they could not cope with it. Slowly and gently chipping away and confronting the aspects of the world that you’re experiencing trauma from is a way out of those behaviors. But it hurts; and it’s scary
It took cutting alot of people out of my life to realize I was surrounded by narcissists who were taking advantage of my autism which effects my ability to understand I'm being manipulated. The amount of times I have felt like keeping a list, taking videos and being terrified that people will say things about me to my loved ones that arent true is excruciating to think about. How I managed to be surrounded by mostly narcissistic people who used gaslighting to manipulate me is beyond me. I guess I'm just to nice so I gravitate towards people who I think NEED me. But they just want to use me in the end. And that's the manipulation, making me think I'm doing them a favor and doing then good. When really they were taking everything from me, even my sanity and peace. My life is so much better now, just me my husband and son. I feel safe and I feel free. I dont feel scared and worried and confused.
Even without autism, people can easily manipulated when they have a good heart. They think the best of people and don't assume nefarious intent. As a survivor of a severe narcissistic relationship, I no longer assume people are good. I wait and see and can easily spot the manipulation now. Best of luck to you, it's quite a journey, this life of ours.
Nice! My sister and family are awful. They’re so narcissistic and mean.
💙💜
You're an empath, and the world needs empathy. Good that you're learning not to waste it on narcs.
Iv been told alot that I'm just very unique to others and based on alot to do with my personality and perspective on life, iv learned it's actually true. I fall within a range of only .02% of all people on the planet like me. I'm as different as I can be from the majority. Its feels neat but also kinda lonely! Either way its helped me change my perspective in a way that protects me but allows me to help others.
Am dealing with divorcing a narcissist, have watched hours upon hours of quality channels talking about spotting and dealing with gaslighting behaviours and this video is absolutely one of the best I've seen. Every point is absolutely spot on.
Hang in there… I left “my” narcissist in 2013 and am still learning. Best escape is reinvention and success on your part!!
The first time you feel like you need to screenshot DMs or record your face to face conversation.. Run. Run and don't look back.
That's basically what i do to my parents, when they talk to me and play it back in front of them
@@massetozacarias5693Then cut them off and live your life? What's with the need to force your parents to see your thought process?
You' ll know you're being gaslighted when you find yourself saying, "I'm Sorry", over and over, for nothing you actually had done, but because of what the manipulator said you did. Watch out: Because even worse abuse will follow. Change the "I'm Sorry", to "I'm out of here". Narcissists never change.
If you find yourself saying "I'm sorry" to someone constantly for things that if done to you, you wouldn't be the slightest bit hurt; you are being manipulated.
Bummer is when it's a parent. But hooray for therapy >.
You see people like that being apologetic for things out of their control due to that conditioning
True, but at the same time please use some self awareness, that if multiple people are saying similar things about you it might be you and you could be the problem.
True. You might also be a compulsive asker of forgiveness though. Lot of that out there too.
One of the most insidious forms of gaslighting, is when the person never directly abusing but instead slowly gaslights into thinking you're abusing them; then slowly step down what constitutes abuse until they can 'call you out' on abuse whenever you do something they don't like no matter how petty.
Gaslighting is one of those very specific terms that's commonly misused. It's a process, not a single act. I went through it in a relationship and legit thought my brain was just broken (my ex used my adhd to convince me I was never remembering anything correctly). A lot of what people call gaslighting today is DARVO (deny, accuse, reverse victim and offender), which is an extremely common tactic for all abusers. The Euphoria clip is actually a fantastic example of that. And it's just as bad, and may cause you to question your perception of reality, but its not as intentional on the abuser's part (they arent literally trying to make you think you're crazy) If you want an amazing depiction of gaslighting, watch the Manti Teo story, or the actual movie "Gaslight", where the term came from.
highly overused term, like al the tiktok girls dated a narcisist or nothing else then narcisists. tbh gaslighting is verry close related to darvo and there always is some overlap in these kind of things. like every psychological diagnos things are never clean cut.
I’d like to add to this. They never seem to have done anything wrong or take accountability for anything that they’ve done. It’s always other people that have done wrong to them.
This! We call that an 'Amber Alert'
Somewhat tragically funny when they're lacking the imagination to even tell you what you did wrong. Was pruning roses in the garden, literally enjoying the sunshine and not having to have company (introvert). When now-ex stomped out, yelled curse words, threw stuff, first the pillow they brought, then random gardening tools, finally a pair of gardening scissors and stomped off. (Not like a throwing knife, but it was open. Nothing bad happened - it hit my arm which I was shielding my head with, though. So dangerous enough I guess. At least to be a no no.) Was baffled at first and didn't follow - reacting now wouldn't help anyways. So I asked them later what that was about. Usual narcissistic prayer first (didn't happen, wasn't that bad, ... you know the drill), in the end they claimed they had to defend themself. "What did I do?" - "When you don't even know *_THAT,_* it proves you're an even bigger ahole than I thought." Fast forward: they _never_ told me what I presumably did. (Yeah, sure. Everyone has flaws, I can be complicated to handle, etc. admitted. That person was ... a life lesson.)
So much this! My abusive ex was somehow ALWAYS the victim no matter the situation
Or they will throw you a tiny bone and act like it was equitable or relevant.
My sister had Borderline and she acts exactly like you said. It´s always everyones else fault her eyes.
If anyone ever says to you "If you Loved me, you'd do it" run like Hell and don't look back! ⚠️
Yeah except when it comes from your own child.
I love this video! Jada annoying smith and amber heard are like the number one narcissistic gaslighters. Always trying to minimise their behaviours and the harm they cause others they claim to ‘care’ about. I feel terrible for Will because I can see it in his eyes how dead inside he is - well, emotionally and psychologically traumatised that he spent soo long with a woman that treats him this way. And Johnny, well being hit in the face and so on is never okay. She sounds like she was a psychologically abusive nightmare
What’s wild is that the audio clip that they used is an hour long. In the beginning Amber Heard is berating Johnny for NOT fighting. The longer the audio goes on the more you realize that what she’s accusing him of is what she actually does. Another aspect of gaslighting is projecting and reversing the roles.
This video is well timed. I just moved away from someone who tried to rewrite my memories by aggressively telling me what I did even though I was completely aware and knew that they might have these patterns based on the way they spoke about their exes. Just keep your head on straight and keep your conviction.
One of the things i learned from my ex wife is that you don't need an air tight court case to call them out on their behavior. That was my mindset and it just kept me from trusting my interpretation of what I was seeing. Trust yourself. You are almost never wrong in what you're intuition says.
My mother did this to me a lot. I was always writing things down and still very confused when we went round in circles with "what happened" -- if someone gaslights me these days, I cut all contact asap.
I didn't have the word back then but I knew what my mother was doing and I started calling her out on it. She would always say I was 'too sensitive' or tell me that never happened. I remember as a teenager threatening to get a tape recorder and tape everything she said so she couldn't deny it.
@@vickster4474 that's the way i feel with my sister. i was wondering if i should start recording our conversations bc either she made things up or she twisted how it actually was
Same with my mother, and yes, no patience for it from others today either.
same with my mother emotional and fisical abuse. at age 41 i finally cut ties
My mother did that, too. It was horrible, still is. So sad you had to go through this.
I'm scheduled to have a call with my father after 15 years of no contact due to narcissistic abuse. He's 8 for 8 on this video. Thank you for the reminders. I am going to try to open lines of communication with him, because I believe that I've grown up and established my life enough that he can no longer hurt me. And i am using an anonymous account to protect my personal information so that he can't track me down again. Still, this is going to be a test, and i thank you for these reminders of what to be on the lookout for, since 15 years is a lot of time for memory to fade. For what can mere man do, if God is with me. 🙏
“Through that journey, I was able to learn a lot about myself” Damn, she really learned a lot through that train that journeyed through her
"i got into an entanglement" is just such a ridiculous excuse 😂
it WAS an entanglement. You should have seen the ropes and chains they used. 😲
Cheating is bad so let's change it to entanglement
Watching her made my skin crawl.
i did some DEEP healing :D :D :D
Those two are so creepy!
I tried not to cry watching this video but the end broke me. Thanks for acknowledging the experience of the people who are victims of gaslighting. I felt guilty for so many years after being in an abusive relationship (10 years), and it's until recent years that I've been able to start re-connecting with myself, and reconciling with what happened. To all the people who are watching this video: please share this with everyone you love, you have no idea of who you could be saving from a nightmare.
Thank you for sharing. We all wish you the strenghth, support an courage you need to get through this experience!
@@malic3794 thanks for your kind words 💖💖💖
glad you got out of it. It's appalling what some people will put others through. just remember there are good people out there and abusive ones are the exception
Congratulations for coming out the other side.
I left a toxic friendship finally after repeatedly letting the person back in when they reached out, do you also get the guilt sometimes of wow I should not have let this person come back into my life, removing them was so good for me and after letting them back in for a while some negative aspects returned with them, it's been more than a year now since i cut them off but lately I've been feeling man wtf was i thinking and they should have been cut off at least 3 years ago. I try to remind myself that i should be happy that at least eventually i got the sense to remove them, do you have any advice on this if you sometimes feel the same way?
My child has actual memory issues and heard about gas lighting. Instead of getting up set when we talk about shared experiences now I ask her to tell me more about how she remembers it so I can understand her perspective more. I don't criticize or down play how she viewed it because we are all different having our own journey and it's intriguing to get a different take on it. Plus memory is the most flawed thing we have honestly for all of us. Being human is a trip lol I DO however think medical gas lighting is on the rise and needs delt with. Just because u went to so many years of school doesn't mean I don't know my own body and when it's trying to tell me something. 🤨
I've been wondering about this myself watching this video. My younger sister (a tween) also often misremembers things (often in situations where SHE is the one avoiding blame, possibly some self-deceit going on there). But because we must so regularly tell her that reality as she claims to recall it is inaccurate, I start to worry that she will feel invalidated. (Side note, she's very stubborn in general. I think she feels shame strongly and easily, and finds the pain of being in the wrong which happens to all of us on a daily basis almost intolerable.) If she hears about gaslighting she may well misapply the concept and close off from us altogether and refuse to ever admit error. Help! We're working on it, trying to model admitting being wrong and remind her that it's okay, that as you say memory is just generally very flawed. Idk it's just hard, especially since I'm not even living at home most of the time anymore. At least my mom is pretty good about trying to deal with things constructively and with emotional intelligence.
I can't put it into words how much this video has helped me. I many a times had found myself in a similar situation in the past but could never recognize what to do about it or even what it actually was. Moreover what I really love about your videos is that you give a real life solution to us and not leave us hanging with the overwhelming problem. Keep up the good work and I wish you all the very best for your future endeavours.
What was was done to Will Smith was horrendous. The worst of the worst public humiliations. That was me watching the demise of Mike Lowrey, Del Spooner, Captain Stevens, Chris Gardner. A whole life shattered before me. He was my idol and to see him also allow that to happen to him, hurt beyond words.
You’re being too sensitive. Grow and learn from it. Don’t idolize people you know personally.
@@Trilluminati713 Cheating on her husband was "not a transgression?" She "grew" from it and "healed?" Horseshit.
to be fair, its his fault. look how he just let her walk all over him. she only came back to him bc august left her, and she says that to his face! then has the audacity to declare it not even a transgression.
@@economicinfo823 that’s the part that hurt the most, to see him allow that to happen. 😖
@@pasajerodelabrujula8261 facts
10 years after my relationship ended I'm just now realizing that I was a victim of this and it makes me feel better knowing that I'm not crazy. Thanks for putting this in perspective.
Totally feel you. Was told so often, and with such conviction, I had forgotten things or would remember wrong, would hallucinate stuff, that I honestly assumed I had Alzheimer's. (Mid 30s at that time.) I planned visiting a doctor, but they'd need more information: what exactly? When? How often? Is it getting worse? So I started taking notes of things that happened to be able to compare them later on with my memories and the "actual facts" I've been "corrected upon" and generate some numbers. Turned out: complete bs! Had been gaslighting all the time. Wtf?!?
I know not everyone is religious, but I believe having faith actually protects you from people who gaslight, actually just having a standard to live your life on, the "saying your reality outloud" part of this video. In my reality, God is law, a gaslighters words can't sway gods law or what's right and wrong behavior. I can look at a person and judge them based on my faith versus a reality that someone else couldn't gather from the same faith or book. I know cheating on your husband is wrong, I don't have to argue with jada about the reasons she did it, it's just wrong and she will be punished for it.
I am accused of " having few friends " need to thank the other person for the relationship.. not only i feel I am going crazy but have the need to keep receipts too...
@@kevinleewilliams5119 Interesting, the people my ex had most enthralled with his BS were those at the church we went to. He wasn't religious at all, but it was a way for him to display his 'public' persona and win over a group of people who may have been able to offer me support in my small community. When people lie as easily as they breathe, it's hard for anyone to discern their true motives. I honestly hope it never happens to you, narcissists destroy lives despite how strong you think you are.
I had a friend who was socially awkward. If I would make new friends he would tag along uninvited. I felt bad for him so I didn't call it out. After high school this "friend" strated to change really hostile towards me, would criticized me, tell what nasty things other talked about me etc. Then he started to accuse me of tagging along with him to get friends and that I had no friends in high school. At that point I called him out and we haven't spoked since then. This was +15 years ago. Now I realize he was gaslighting me, at least in a way. I remember thinking what the hell is he talking about, does he have some kind of mental illness. I am glad I cut ties with him, but it did scar me. I felt pity for him which made me tolerate his behaviour longer.
This video is actually very, very good. I feel like it didn't have to go through all that psychological narrative we're hearing all the time. Thanks!
i was a victim of gaslighting and the worst part was they made me believe I was the bad person. I spent a long time blaming myself, and it was due to the help of other people that I recognise what was happening.
The problem with gaslighting is that it's all too easy to say "You're just gaslighting me" when there are situations where one or even both individuals truly misremember events or exhibit paranoid behavior. As noted at 5:20, there is almost no difference in language between a gaslighter's response to true accusations and a honest person's response to false allegations.
That's why he said to look for patterns. Of course everyone misremembers now and then, but if a person repeatedly makes you feel confused about your own reality, then there's a problem.
Exactly right. Any video talking about Gaslighting also needs to dedicate at least as much time helping people verify their own perception of reality before making demands of other people.
@@Rise876 What if you misremember once and get called a gaslighter?
Usually someone who misremembers is willing to say, "I don't remember it that way but I'm willing to acknowledge that I might be wrong'. Something a narc/gaslighter will NEVER say.
LOL way to gaslight the channel
I always watch your videos in silence but this time I just want to say thank you, I have been under the manipulation of someone before and I never really got over it until recently and this video helped me to heal further as I understood the ways I have been manipulated so... Thank you, buddy, lots of love
Literally last night I got my feelings shut down by text 3. Told how I was overrating cause she had a fun night and felt like I was making too much of too little. I had no idea how much I needed this video this morning! Time to do the right thing…for myself.
Good luck my friend
wow, great example
Oh god... in every disagreement I ended up questioning my memory. It's just hitting me now.
I had a psychologist that said that everything that happened to me was 'just my perception'. He had me convinced that I was crazy - and I was already majorly depressed and suicidal. It took me almost a year and a lot of conversations with my family to realize what he'd done. He made me terrified of all doctors - to the point that I, even in my adulthood - started bringing my parents with me to each first meeting with every doctor so that I would have people backing up what I was telling them.
It's such a wonderful thing to have supportive parents. You are blessed.
do you mean a psychiatrist? a psychologist is not a doctor
@@sushi6417 Psychologists are doctors - they have PhD's. Psychiatrists have similar training, but are also medical doctors who can prescribe medications.
@@sushi6417 Sorry yes! That's what I meant. Didn't realize I had mistyped!
@@GabesHacks The latter are agents for the Big pharma companies, working towards reaching the en double u O depop agendas.
This video is so helpful because it also provide the COMEBACKS/ SOLUTIONS, not just what gaslight looks like. I don’t get gaslighted in my personal life because I avoid toxic people, but I get gaslighted at work ALL THE TIME, and most of the time, you can’t choose who you work with. THANK YOU FOR THIS VIDEO FOR SAVING MY SANITY AT WORK 🙏
I didn't realize that this happened to me until I trained to volunteer at an abuse survivor shelter ten years later. Reading down the list of red flags for different types of abuse was an epiphany. So glad I completely broke contact and found a good person person.
I love that you guys didn’t advertise your course at the end and instead used the time to give people advice about how to better themselves. Thanks for not putting an ad in a video about manipulation when you totally could have 👍
this comment is really important in this modern world of incessant advertising, I didn't even realise this, thanks for saying it
Agreed. Totally used to them pushing their own stuff. Very refreshing that they didn't. The video felt better.
Omg the fact that i literally was about to end the video 3 minutes early since I am so used that every video has an ad at the end... it's not okay.
i also noticed it and appreciated it
I fell victim to emotional abuse about 2 years ago and the hardest thing apart from leaving the situation was acknowledging that someome is or was emotionally abusing me and that there is nothing wrong with me. Took me a long time to process and work through it.
I was in a 6 year manipulative relationship. I agree, it's so hard to assure yourself that you're not a problem afterwards.
@@Kastled5 Nope. Wrong.
@@Kastled5 That is because God is not in you John 3
@@SeventhSaucer explain why its wrong if you know of it. I want to know you point of view.
@@Kastled5 How so?
What great advice. I wish I had …has this advice at 18. I’m 60 now. Only last 3 years I’m learning more. And enjoying being free from narcissistic guys. ❤but I’m free at last! .and 😃
Never too late, what's more important is you made it! You're free and ready the have a good life that's truly significant to yourself. Congratulations
if you feel like everyboddy is gaslighting you, it's probably you doing the gaslighting. be honest to yourselfe to heal
The only thing about checking with other people to see if you're overreacting or not, if you've had a lot of people tell you that you are or you do... a lot of us who end up in these relationships as adults, grew up CONSTANTLY being told we were overreacting as kids. Especially if we are ND, HSP, ASD etc. So it's not always a good barometer. And it often takes a decade or so to change the people who you're around. As another commentor wrote, he would never ever tell his wife she was "overreacting." It's just unkind.
They also use time and pretend as everything is ok accusing you of "holding a grudge"
exactly... they are the ones who talk about the future and problem solving right when you bring up any problems.
Been a victim of gaslighting my whole life now I can sense it immediately
It is so crucial to have supportive people in one's life. My precious youth was robbed by parasite scum whom gaslighted me. Thank you for your presentation.
I was gaslighted very early in my life and later in my first ever serious relationship, which nearly cost my life. And this Video is one of the best I have ever seen about the topic. Fantastically written, put together and presented. This should be in shown in schools. Thank you very much for this video. - BTW, great voice.
*Watches to see how many signs I possess*
Nothing wrong with it. Being self critical is part of self improvement
GIGA CHAD
LMAOOOOOOO
😂
Misinformation/Disinformation
I went to a school where the staff used gaslighting techniques to cover up their abuses; they started it in the initial interview before my parents had even enrolled me by answering some of my questions about rules that I had heard about by telling us that "Teenagers can be dramatic". 35 years later and I still don't like talking about it because I often worry that others will not believe that it was as bad as all that, they'll think I'm 'just being over dramatic'
Yes, yes, so true… so many people have no idea how brain scrambling & damaging it is to experience psychological / narcissistic abuse, even for the smartest people, it is deeply disturbing. There is a ton of victim blaming in our society.
Yep, I totally experience the same thing. What is really irksome is how so many people in my life go on and on and on lamenting about their pain and struggles, and you listen and support them and all that… then the one time you think you can share your struggles, they generally don’t care and dismiss. I now use this as a test relatively early on with people like that. But, even then they may seem reciprocating, and it takes time to see how it goes… never judge a relationship with someone until you’ve known them a year. Whether romantic or friendship.
So…every parochial school ever😂
I have PTSD from grad school. They had weekly meetings with me about what a piece of crap I am and I was always on the verge of getting kicked out. (3.7 GPA) Reminding me of how much debt I would be in with no job if I got kicked out. After 15 months of this abuse, a month before graduation, they gave me accolades like I was the best thing that ever happened to the program. And told me that they were judging me the whole time and judged me wrong and all they can do is apologize. My brain still doesn’t get why they treated me that way. 😵💫
@@annestay5021They're probably jealous of you Bad grades in school doesn't mean that someone is bad in life.❤
I left a community where the community leader was fond of the phrases, "I haven't heard that," and, "I'm not sure that's true." The perfect phrases to avoid full-blown gaslighting AND accountability at the same time. The problem is, when you've been in a long-term relationship with a gaslighter, you start to be hyper-sensitive to similar behavior.
Thank you! Intentional emotional abuse (including gaslighting) has been commonplace in my family, and the information in the video will help me make a better life for myself.
Sometimes people are being paranoid. Sometimes people are mis-remembering. Sometimes its good to take notes because details can be hard to remember. The reason why these things work when gas lighting is because they reflect the truth sometimes, sometimes these things are the real case, but real gas lighting is manipulation.
I had a gaslighting friend, usually ignored all that, but he got too far and now not a friend. Feels much better to not have a friend like that.
It was always going to end that way. Glad you got out sooner than later. Cheers!
Oh my god. Not a single person in my life has helped me out of this scenario. U made me realise what was happening in my life. Thank u. Bless u
I'm not sure whether or not you're aware, but your channel is so beneficial to those of us who are neurodivergent. Thank you for creating such fantastic content - not only in regards to the topics but also in the way you present them with video examples. The examples are phenomenal, and it must take time to accumulate the clips and match them up.
I hate when people never own up to their actions and behaviours. Grow up! Own it or just get lost! No one needs people like that in life.
Contrary to popular pop-psychologists, always trust your body reactions & feelings know something more than your conscious reality. If you continue to feel insecure, take a timeout or leave the relationship. It is a clear sign that you or the other person needs to do some work to continue it. Don’t ignore yourself and make excuses or defend. It will only get worse.
That's not actually true...feelings and body reactions can hold wisdom, but they can also be wildly inaccurate and based on the past instead of the present. If you're not in immediate danger, best to do your own inner work first to discern. One of the examples being, people who find themselves with a loving, available partner can be thrown into some of the worst anxiety of their life. This isn't because the relationship isn't right necessarily, but because the experience of true intimacy is activating old wounds.
'Contrary to popular pop-psychologists'? But then the advice you gave IS popular pop-psychology! I think you might be gaslighting us! ;)
Oh my God, my ex girlfriend had all these traits. Always blaming me, telling me how i m not the same person anymore, making me feel guilty. Nd here i am blaming myself even after breaking up vd her 17 years go. Thanx for the video man. 😢
Thank you for this video! I was in an abusive marriage and multiple, similarly abusive relationships previous to that. I am currently in a healthy and loving marriage, however, the information in this video is so helpful to other people living my past right now. That makes you a type of hero so, thank you 🙏 😊
Wish they thought more stuff like this in school. I am very good at spotting these traits in other people. Sometimes a too good. We all have a few manipulative traits to some extend. Often the people who manipulate a lot are very insecure inside and they need to manipulate because they need to feel in "control" of other people to feel "safe." I rather distance myself from manipulative personalities but I don't want to point them out as bad people. I am not sure what to do when other people don't see the manipulative behaviour of someone, because pointing out that a manipulator is a manipulator will make the manipulator want to manipulate people their opinion about you, and it is really not worth it. If you're in a relationship with someone manipulative/emotionally abusive/narcissistic I wish you good luck and all the strength in the world. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here.
This isn’t something that schools should teach you just your parents 😅😅
@@bartsimpson8330 what if your parent(s) have manipulative personalities?
@@axelsylvian And this is often the case. Those manipulative tendencies are contagious. That means that if you are around someone who doesn't manipulate at all, there is a high chance that they have no tools to deal with manipulation because they have managed to avoid it, or that they actually understand manipulation and put great effort into not doing it.
"I just feel like you are gaslighting me". Favorite phrase of the ex-wife whenever what her idea of reality didn't line up with actual reality. Any time I was upset about something (like her literally telling people how bad of a person I was, right in front of me) she would do the "so that was why you looked so upset, stop that, you are just over-reacting, I'm not allowed to tell a joke?" and she would blame me for ruining her mood. And of course she would go around and tell lies about me to everyone. Since the lies made me sound like some horrible monster, people would tell her that she wasn't crazy for believing what she believed (even though they had no idea what was really going on). Anyone who actually knows me would wonder who she was even talking about since it wasn't me. I am glad she decided to leave when she "just couldn't take it anymore". Her leaving was the best thing that has ever happened to me, since I really started working more on myself to make sure something like that never happens again. Took me over 2 years after she left, but my life is so much better now than it was before I even met her. I hope she gets things straightened out for herself, I don't see how she could ever have a happy life if she keeps living in fantasy land where she is the victim of everything.
It seems to hurt for a long time and once that pain goes away, there's a lot of clarity that wasn't there before. At least in my experience. Hope you're doing better man
I just wanted to say that there are many people who feel attacked by reality and claim gaslighting. Always be careful that you're not one of them!
@@zlac It's so hard, cuz if you go too far in one direction, you can fall victim to gaslighting. And if you go too far in the other direction, you can be the gaslighter!
Going through the same thing now and you put it perfectly with that comment. Whenever she doesn’t like reality and I point it out I’m the gaslighter (learned that from her sister when telling her all about my behaviour). I always thought she was actually one of the nicest people I’ve ever met and actually in the last 12 months I’ve discovered she’s one of the nastiest people I’ve ever met. Willing to do absolutely anything to score a point up to and including decimating my character. As long as she feels she has scored a point reality doesn’t matter, the truth doesn’t matter, nothing else matters. I’m in the process of planning the rest of my life without her which will be hard considering we have a child together, and she has already shown willingness to lie about our relationship to gain custody despite her being an incredibly bad parent. I have to be careful about how I take these next steps and the one thing that annoys me even more is I’m willing to be fair even after everything, and she just isn’t that fair minded person that I can just work with to find a solution that benefits us both. Writing this I actually just realised I’m going to need legal advice to just get my fair share. I’ve basically lost 8 good years to this person when all is said and done. I love my daughter more than life itself but even that was a trap, I wasn’t ready and she came off the pill without telling me, now I can see how toxic she was even at the beginning, which I could never see before.
One of the best videos on this topic I have ever seen. Thank you. No fluff, all content, and very well done. I've subscribed.
One of the best videos on KZhead. Thanks alot . I am trying to heal from the Trauma that is caused by my Narcissistic mother. I love her , but she's done so many damaging things .
Glad you're 'healed' jada. Too bad you damaged everyone around you in the process 🙄
IKR?? All it took for her to heal was ripping others apart!
I wasn't in a relationship or friendship with a gaslight, but one of my former employers was a HUGE gaslighter, abuser, liar and fraud. I was his personal assistant many years ago, and every time he attacked me, abused me, threatened, intimidated, lied to me or paid me late, he would pull out every one of these tactics. He had me thinking to myself, "If only I was a better employee, he wouldn't be doing these things to me. I must be a bad employee, so I deserve this." Eventually, I talked to my mom about this and she helped me get out of this job and I stopped working for him. This was 11 years ago. Last I heard, he was in prison for tax evasion and wire fraud. 😊
I bet he thought his employees were horrible for "turning on him" and telling the truth.
@@newperve i saw a police body cam video; an old woman got beat BAD by her husband. she was black and swollen. her eye area was swollen to bigger than a softball. they arrested him, and he said to her, "you've ruined my birthday, look what you did."
These examples are excellent. Brilliant video that hopefully helps those of us who’ve lived or are living with emotional abuse.
The number one thing that saved me, when I was married to a man who gaslit me regularly, was that I kept a journal. During those years I hadn't set up the journal writing for that purpose, as I had no idea, going in, the level of abuse I was and would experience given it felt "normal" since my childhood was fraught with abuse. The journaling was something I'd done for years, as it offered me an outlet for dealing with life trauma. In my first marriage I often would go back and read of specific incidents because my gaslighting spouse had me questioning my sanity. To read the journaled incident according to how it actually went down, and what was said, allowed me to recognize it was not "I" who was "crazy"
It's a great video with good examples and exect descriptions of certain aspects of gaslighting. Some information I heard before was too general. Thank you for going deeper into the subject!❤❤❤
The trouble with lists like this is that quite a few of these are phrases one might find themselves using a lot if they are actually the victims of abuse and / or gas lighting. 'Nothing is happening, you're being paranoid' may well be something said to a partner who is controlling or jealous. 'You are misremembering' - is something I found myself saying a lot to my ex - when he was rewriting prior events or conversations.
yes, i thought about that too. i think the difference is if you try to resolve the issue after saying those things, or if you're just trying to dismiss the conflict.
"That's not what I said" and "you're twisting my words" can also be a defense against being misrepresented, which happens FAR more often than actual gaslighting.
Exactly what I was thinking. Happens way too often that people actually misremember and twist someone else's words, or simply misunderstood them.
Been gaslighted by my family all my life. Imagine my shock when I figured out that this is a thing
I’ve been gaslit so much I legitimately wondered if I was the one gaslighting before the truth came out 🥴
if you feel like everyboddy is doing it to you, you might be the one actually doing it. meant no offence mate, self perception is not an easy thing.
@@AxelHenx oh no, it’s happening again! Lol Jk. It’s not everyone, just a couple. I found evidence they were lying so that helped me realize I wasn’t crazy. But I’ll try to stay mindful cause gaslighting or not I’m sure I’m no peach either haha
@@chrisramos6343 yeah meant no offence, but just pointing out that manny people project. tyvm 4 positive response instead of just trashing.
This is exactly why I record people. You can't deny your own voice when what you said is played back to you.
spot on. if you experience that stay away from this person, they are not worth it and they will not change
It's important to acknowledge that this is all "gaslighting" in context of these situations. There are also times when people do remember things wrong. The brain is a funny, weird organ that tries to protect ourselves in situations by doing unnational things. There are also times when people overreact to things. There are also times when you're partner might "act crazy" ex. freaking out over something they misread, yelling after having a bad day and being triggered (not right, but not gaslighting) no one is perfect. Empathy hijacking: Maybe they are genuinely looking for sympathy, maybe they messed up. That is not gaslighting, it's normal because again no one is perfect not even ourselves. Gaslighting is not as easy as this video makes it out to be. People are more complicated then this. These types of videos make it seem like everyone is a victim of gaslighting. Don't watch this and think "Oh, I just realized I am a victim!" You probably aren't.
It's not a single incident but a pattern of behavior. For example, always hearing them say "I thought you said"
it's a slippery slope. but if you are always wrong and your feelings always diminished thats a patern. no way the other personne is always right and you always do things you do not remember correctly. they do not have the tendency to let one slide, you are always wrong and they are always right.
@@brianphillips604 I like that you bring up the "It's a pattern". That is important. Some people also have trouble admitting they are wrong. Accepting guilt in situations for one reason or another. So they twist the event details up then say that you're gaslighting them if you say they are remembering it wrong.
@@brianphillips604how is that evidence of gaslighting rather than just really terrible memory?
Most of the gaslighting I experienced was shiftiging the blame. They did something horrible, and I expressed how I felt about it. So they instantly looked for justification are even just gaslighting me for even bringing it up. Saying that by doing it I am hurting the relationship. Once I wasn't comfortable sleeping in the same bed with her after a lot of fights. I told her empathetically that I can't sleep and will go home, and she started screaming at me. Gaslighting is also downplaying what happened. One day she kind of made a scene in a restaurant, I was just absolutely shocked by her behaviour. I never got aggressive at all, but she still made me out to be the one that acted weirdly in the situation, even though she even acted rude towards the waiters. It is really hard to stand up for yourself in these kinds of situation, but it's the only right thing to do.
I’m glad you got out quick smart
Oh yeah. Surprised on how many Narcissists are out there and all the gas lighting they do to keep themselves attached to an empath. Great video. Thanks!
Thank you for this video.
I feel like I’ve been gaslight before and I gaslighted others as well at some point. Relationships are hard
I was gaslight in a relationship a few years ago. He would use a lot of these phrases and techniques anytime there would be something major that I wanted to speak up about. I found myself not wanting to address things after a certain point, and as long as things were not, things never changed. When I started to get more mental and emotional clarity, I realized that he wouldn’t be taking accountability with the exception of one time. What was a real red flag 🚩 was he said I embarrassed him during a work event by making a comment I was 100% sure I didn’t make when he first accused me of it (this was brought up only 6 months after that work event and it was a response to me gently addressing that he wasn’t available as much physically, mentally, emotionally in general). He wore me out during this argument to the point that I ended up apologizing for something was I was sure I didn’t do. The thing is…it was afterward that I started to wonder if maybe I did make said comment and I didn’t remember things correctly. What was really dangerous was he continued to bring this one thing anytime there was a big argument. Then he accused me of getting him fired over this comment. I knew this wasn’t true because he lost his job 5 months after the event that this work event happened due to not getting along with his boss. This continued for a about a year and a half before I put my foot down, and while I didn’t say “I didn’t do that, I know I didn’t” because i figure it’s moot point now, I did say “I’m not going there with you. You won’t let this go and you bring this up when we’re not even disagreeing about something, and I’ve already apologized for it. Please let it go. I’m no longer tolerating it.” Funny thing is I’m retrospect, I remember anytime he made this accusation, he could never look me in the eyes. To anyone reading this that is experiencing emotional manipulation/abuse, and wonders if you really did do something you’re being accused of, remember your truth of how you felt when you first heard it. It’s not your fault that someone else doesn’t have the emotional maturity to take accountability for their actions. Please seek therapy if you can, and speak with trusted friends and family who can give you an outside perspective. I wish you well. I’m now single and currently in therapy working on my self compassion, self love, and self esteem.
my ex's dad would snoop room by room. blatantly, didn't even hide it. when i tried to talk to my ex about it, he yelled at me, "it's always something with you!" i normally stay quiet, but this time i said, "me?? how about it's always something with your dad?!" he just stood there quiet. glad he's my ex. i'm done taking the abuse and blame. he and his family play too many games and are beyond tiring. sneaky and shady too
Finally a video that explains one offs are not "gaslighting." The patterns to induce doubt about reality is what it is all about. Manipulating a single situation with these things is distortion not gaslighting. Great video as always!
"Gas lighting" has become a term that people seem to throw around without even knowing what it means...I see people who simply think someone was rude saying they are "gas lighting". The key to gas lighting is that someone is trying to make you doubt your own mind, sanity, memories or perceptions. Thanks for making this very good video explaining the term.
Recently read an article on boundary setting. Realised a ex- friend of mine whom I had told that I was not comfortable with her way of making jokes was doing to me was Gaslighting. She told me She would makes jokes about me more because I was too sensitive and should be made less sensitive by making jokes. All of my friends were thinking I was making a big deal out of it when I cut her off. A good friend of mine who is very adamant about boundary setting also said I was overreacting and was fine with my boundaries getting violated. This was complete shocker for me as I kept thinking untill now that I was being oversensitive.
I hate when people make fun of people and then they go to the people they're making fun of that they're joking
You're completely within your rights to not keep someone in your life who is actively hurting you. Nobody is owed a space in your life
I think my friend is a gaslighter, especially when you said that "walking on eggshells" part cause I've literally used that word when searching online for advice. When in conflicts it was always my fault and she is always in drama and she is always the victim. She have had multiple toxic friends apparently but starting to think she might be one herself. Me and my friends never had drama until she came up. Idk I don't talk to her anymore though we just occasionally meet. I think that is good though cause it's very easy for things to turn into conflicts and drama with her, she uses very harsh words and gets everyone on her side so that it start feeling very heavy for me. Good for me though I've started to find support with my family and they also seem to think she might not be very good for me. Hopefully I'll get to be able to make better friends in the future
How to push a friend away?
This is spot on. Took me 3 years of doing everything that my books said not to do, because I thought I could "manage it" now that I see. Wrong. Best advice is toward the end. Walk away and rebuild your life. After a year and watching this it shows me I made the right choice. Best of luck to you all.
#2 'Rewriting history" is my Mother, my entire life. She has told me hates me numerous times, starting at 14yo, and I know it's because she can't gaslight me (unlike my bro&sis, who buy right into it for fear of her wrath). I walked away from them 10+ yrs ago. Thank you for posting.
Great list of gaslighting tactics. Thank you for sharing!
i liked the use of actual conversations as examples. sometimes it's hard to recognize
What are some of the telltale signs of a manipulative person? The key sign that someone is trying to manipulate you is that they are making their emotional state dependent on you and the things you do. To some extent this is natural, if someone you care for does something nice for you, this makes you feel good if they do something you dislike, you will feel bad, but when people pass on the responsibility of those feelings to actions that they have no control of, that’s when you know you’re being manipulated. Recognising the telltale signs can be difficult due to the emotional components that are so strong. Here are things to watch for: Becoming special To start with the practiced manipulator will want to build the bond with you. A normal friendship will not be enough, they are likely to try and make you feel as if they consider you someone special. That you have made a difference to them. Many people will instinctively reject someone who comes on too strong early on in a relationship but if you have self esteem issues you may find yourself more vulnerable to someone like this. They may talk about really admiring you or elevating something you’ve done. People like this can give you a real ego boost. “I’ve never met someone that understands me the way you do, you’re so insightful”. Not taking responsibility Manipulators will frequently talk about life events of things that were done or happened to them. Bad things happen to everyone and many times they’re not our fault and we’re not responsible, but it is actually a healthy attitude to try and take responsibility in order to try and maintain some control. A manipulator is happy to relinquish this control. Taking exaggerated responsibility A manipulator will go from not taking responsibility to taking an exaggerated responsibility that is so clearly and obviously not true. Example: Manipulator: ‘I worked so hard this year but my boss passed me over for promotion for someone with less experience, this is so unfair’ Friend: ‘Do you think it was because you’ve been coming in late a lot in the last few months.' Manipulator: ‘I guess it must be, I’m obviously really terrible at my job, because I’m late all the time, but I was looking after my sick mother and I guess that makes me a really bad person.’ This is all deflecting. No one thinks they are terrible at their job or a terrible person because they look after their sick mother, but it is circumventing the issue that perhaps just coming in on time is important for some roles and denying responsibility that this is something that they can actually control. They want you to feel sorry for them. This leads to the next point. Pity. All their sad stories and terrible things that happen to them will invoke pity and they're OK with that. Most people have a big issue with people feeling pity for them. It hurts their pride and even when they tell you about something awful that happened to them, you won't feel pity you'll admire them for getting through it. Not the manipulator, this feeling is key to getting you to do what you want them to do, because even when you recognise that they're emotionally manipulating you, you may allow them to do this because they're just so pitiful. Disappointment because you’ve let them down Manipulators will at some point transfer their disappointment of others into disappointment of you. You’ve let them down. You didn’t do what they wanted to you to do even though it was really important to them. 'It was so important to me that you turned up that day, because I really needed your support because my ex was there. I thought I would be more important than your hair appointment' This reproach will come after the event and not as a request for assistance beforehand. Trying to reason with them that you didn't know will not work as that would be not recognising how 'special' your friendship is. Guilt. Yours. After a while you will find that even when this person isn’t manipulating you, you just feel this general sense of guilt. That you’re just not living up to this person’s expectations of you. You'll just feel like a generally bad person. This feeling is going to play on any self-esteem issues - which you will have if you're in this situation in the first place. It is worth noting that most people do some of the above things at some point, it isn't necessarily their attempt to manipulate you, most of the time they are actually your mum and they can’t help themselves. For the rest, they may just be feeling insecure and concerned that you don't care. This doesn't mean you should worry. It is only if you find they're doing several of these things repeatedly and in conjunction with each other, that you're probably dealing with a manipulator. The most important thing to recognise though, is that someone can’t become an emotional manipulator if no one allows themselves to be manipulated.
Very good read, thank you
@@Xiallaci Glad to help.
This video just covered what i am going through for the past 18 years with my wife. She never admits to anything. She attempts to argue or deflect ANYTHING I say when bringing up concerns
Same. I was married for 20 years. Everything was my fault. Even if I was the one that got hurt by something she did. It was always my fault for something I did or didn't do at any time in the past. The day she moved out felt like a weight lifted off me.
I love this channel! Great communication details and it's so helpful when writing characters. Thank you!
my last relationship was like this until a point i thought I am crazy and the one making everything up. it came really slowly and without me realising and it took me a long time to finally walk away, i am still emotionally damaged from this and now cant stand people who are not able to apologize although they are guilty
I'm there too but the good thing here is that after 9 months of the last time that i interact with her and finally broke it, i'm starting to see the healing.... Her last words were: "i'll be always for you, if you need anything, just reach me" through SMS...that particular phrase destroyed me.
2-8. I’m literally experiencing almost all of them. I even considered going to therapy because I thought I was the problem. Minimizing the relationship kinda describes how I deal with it
See a therapist anyway. It's good to have an unbiased sounding board and place to air emotions and thoughts.
🙏♥️After being deeply scarred by several toxic narcissistic women, I'm trying to spread the word with excellent informative videos like this to my friends who I see having similar toxic relationships with these people.... I hope I can save a few of them some sanity and not have to go through the mental turmoil I was subject to before realization of how these people work and the destruction they will cause in your life!! 🙏♥️
Wow, this is intense. It's one thing to be in a relationship with someone who gaslights you, whether they are a significant other or a family member. But what about when you have a manager at work who does this? I left that job, so I'm guessing it's too late for me to report him. Just glad I'm not there anymore. He promised me a promotion and raise that I didn't get. When I complained, he gaslighled me, not just once, but twice, trying to make me believe that I misunderstood. I was too scared to report him to HR because I feared he would retaliate. Anyway, I really didn't realize it at the time, but now I really see what he did and that he used to do it consistently with others at work. Thanks so much for sharing!😅
You guys should cover self gaslighting, i used to have a huge problem with that.
What if you didn't, and you're just telling yourself that you did?
@@zantas-handle you're right I'm probably just crazy, it's probably all in my head :/ I know it's a joke*
To be fair, the naked bungie thing? He should have immediately dropped her and never spoken to her again. Literally completely break of contact forever.
i was surprised to see him gaslighting; i thought she was the one that was going to deny the bungee incident. what a twist
This is the best description of these faults on the internet 👏👏👏
Thank you!! Your channel has saved a lot of people. ❤
Narcissism is in an all time high 😢
thank selfie culture and social media...
Societies can have a role in gaslighting people too. Years ago there was a big stigma around mental health issues, now everyone is talking about it and saying "everyone gets depressed" but if you are someone who has clinical depression then it's much worse than the normal low moods that people experience. Another is occasions like Mother's day and Father's day, if you've suffered this kind of abuse as a child then validating your own reality might involve not celebrating these occasions, but that can lead people to judging you a bad son or daughter and ungrateful... because from many people's perspectives they had loving parents and don't imagine what it would be like if that weren't the case. It's not just about the relationship with an abuser, you have to recognise that these people are often experts in manipulating the opinions of others to keep the victim isolated, appearing to be the long-suffering husband, wife, or parent.
I always say that there's of difference between being depressed and having depression. Being depressed is caused by something, like the death of a family member or a horrible medical diagnosis. Having depression can be caused by something, such as a death of a family member, but it's not something you get over after grieving or coming to terms with it like a medical diagnosis. Having depression is like having a bully you can never escape from. Sure, there are times that it will leave you alone, but you don't have any control over it. When it wants to start bullying you again, it will.
@@craigmoore7821 That's useful distinction. Part of the problem is that it's a disease based on a symptom, not the cause, and so lots of people will say they have depression for completely different reasons. It's like someone is dying from brain cancer and someone else says "everyone gets headache's occasionally", but you can't cure cancer by having a glass of water and re-hydrating yourself or taking a paracetamol. There'd be less gaslighting if we talked about causes more, developmental disorder or childhood emotional abuse, which more strongly suggests that there isn't a healthy baseline to return to should an adverse event occur. In fact, you can be depressed without anything triggering it if you have been gaslight from a young age and have no bearings on reality. This typically leads to a lot of victim blaming because people can't understand why your actions are irrational, although you are acting rationally according to the model of the world you were taught.
media does it ad nauseum
@@craigmoore7821 well said!Big difference for sure.
Just broke off an (online) friendship previous week that I've been in for 6 years, thank you for letting me find words that might describe their actions accurately. There's been multiple instances where I wanted to calmly talk to them privately about the problem at hand, but they'd always shut me off and tell me how I'm making a big deal out of it, or that I am overreacting. In the end, I always found myself apologizing for the things they had done, not once did I get an apology. Once I found out what they had been secretly saying about me to isolate me from my friends (our mutuals), they did the classic line of "I never did that, he just told you that" to an irl, trusted friend who was there with me when the things they had done happened in real-time, thus knowing that what I was saying was true. I'm lucky to recognize these patterns, but it's a shame with how much harm I let them get away with, just because "I've known them for 6 years". I'm also lucky to have someone who has witnessed these events too as a bystander and believes me. It's never too late to take a moment and reflect on the situation, not to forget, don't be afraid to ask for help from your trusted ones. Edit: I also found myself never deleting our conversations/chats. I'm going to therapy for ADHD (not officially diagnosed yet), so I know that memory is a weakness I hold. That helps me with remembering what had actually happened and not fall for the "altering the past" part that was described in the video. It's sad that anyone has to resort to keeping chats n such to keep their reality in check, since in stable friendships/relationships, past changing shouldn't even happen and be a big, reoccurring problem that makes you question what really had happened. Yes, small hiccups can happen, naturally (like misremembering). But if it's frequent enough to a point where you have to keep everything, there's definitely something happening.
Regarding "all relationships have ups and downs", it's completely different when difficulties are something which came from outside (finished studying; changed jobs; had a baby; someone got sick) and when they're caused by one of the "partners" (cheated; expected emotional support to be completely one-sided; refused to contribute to the household in any significant way).
Was brought up with this technique being used almost everyday. It’s always somebody else’s problem and accountability never happens, or it’s my fault, I’m taking the blame. This has resulted in me having issues speaking up when I’m being wrongly accused, but also, I do this aswell. I gaslight a lot. It’s something I’ve become aware of and literally so hard to not to instinctively. The reaction I have for speaking up is always a very strong emotional one. Because I’m either at monster at fault (if I’m a human-being that sometimes does human mistakes) or a monster that lies and gaslights to evade the punishment (and I’ll have to live with the guilt for days). Currently in therapy. I’ll meet the world when I’m done lol.
very insightful