6 Social Mistakes That Make You Look Low Status
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In today’s video we’re going to show you 6 unattractive habits that instantly make it look like you lack confidence. And what you can do instead to command more respect in your conversations.
⏰TIMESTAMPS⏰
0:00 - Intro
0:07 - #1: Avoidant body language
1:31 - #2: Talking tentatively
3:40 - #3: Asking first instinct questions
4:50 - #4: Retreating after a miss
6:30 - #5: Injecting an unnecessary brag into conversation
7:56 - #6: Prioritizing being agreeable over being true to yourself
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1) avoidant body language 2) talking tentatively 3) asking first instinct questions 4) retreating after a miss 5) bragging unnecessarily 6) prioritise being agreeable over being true to yourself
Thanks!
Legend!
thanks
BasicLly don’t be a bish
Goat
I grew up being a very shy kid who wanted people to like me. Years later, after being in situations where I have been forced to talk to people, I realized that it's easier to speak to people if you're not afraid of them or what they think about you. The older I get, the less I care about the world and social acceptance. I've always felt like an outsider anyway, so I don't have much to lose if I meet someone, strike up a conversation, and that person doesn't show interest or is cold-hearted. I'm still shy and quiet at times, but I don't let my inadequacies bother me to the point that I won't try new stuff or engage in small talk to people and make eye contact with them. The TV shows that are presented in this video have actors following a written script---so that's not a real life example of people navigating their way through a conversation. If I had a written script, I could always end up a winner in every social situation. Real life winners have experienced losing moments. Besides all that, I've found that a lot of people aren't really worth fretting over. If someone doesn't like you, there's 8 billion other people to talk to. So don't waste your time pining over the ex-girlfriend/boyfriend or lost friendships or any other missed opportunity to talk to someone you admire. Just keep moving forward.
Needed this insight!
Very good comment.
Well said. 😊
Not always a script
I'm gonna have to post this everywhere. So well said!🎉
#6. One time I was rushing home because I had to poop really bad. Literally, I was about to poop my pants. I was speeding, and ran through a red light. 2-3 weeks later, a ticket arrived in the mail with a red light ticket and it wasn't cheap. If I remember correctly it was ~$150 or so. I called the number on the back of the ticket, hoping to explain my situation. The operator transferred me to the Officer or Supervisor and I got their voicemail. I left an impassioned and honest speech on their VM about how truly sorry I was but that I really had to go. An officer or police supervisor called me back a few days after the voicemail to tell me they'd be voiding the ticket and that my voicemail was played throughout their office and left everyone in absolute stiches, laughing at my expense. I couldn't help but start laughing and told him I was glad they got a kick out of it and expressed how thankful I was for them voiding the ticket for me. The price I'd pay to get my hands on a copy of that voicemail. Anyway, just goes to show being honest does work.....
A imagine that's a nice story to share in social meetings as well... lol
That's amazing!! Hahaha
I experienced something similar when stopped for speeding. When the police officer asked me why I was in a rush, I responded honestly by saying “ I’m so sorry but I was about to pee my pants and saw the 711 on that corner (I’m looking towards the gas station as I’m saying this to him) and couldn’t help but rush towards it.” He chuckled and let me off with a warning. Funny enough as I pulled away I noticed my urgency to pee disappeared. Probably from the anxiety of being pulled over.
Being honest is easy because it gives you a free pass to say anything. People will often times say very rude things like "you are way too fat" and then go "just being honest" as if that alleviates social responsibility and consequences for what they just said. If you look at the people that are most successful in life, politicians, ladies men, social leaders, business leaders, etc you will notice that they lie CONSTANTLY. Even in children the children that are most socially successful are the ones that lie the most. People dont want to hear the truth, they want to hear comfortable lies. God loves you. You look great in that outfit. All the bad people will be punished in the afterlife. Etc.
LOL
A big problem with pausing and I think the reason people use so much filler is because most people are usually too excited to say what they need to say. So they’ll use any break in your sentence to interrupt you and start talking about their point. Using filler words fills in any breaks so people can’t cut in.
Most of the time, I'm interested in what they want to say. So for me, it's a welcoming interruption. I already know about what I'm going to say, whatever. It becomes their own detriment if they don't wanna learn.
@@erickolb8581 I agree 100% but for example I’ve got co workers that are unrelenting when it comes to interrupting in conversations. They really just don’t care about what you say and just want to say what they are thinking. Right away I just lost interest in talking to them at all and now I’m the bad guy because I don’t engage in their bs. The same people that don’t understand a conversation is a team effort lol
Actually they are too busy talking and not listening. They are afraid of silence, as they feel it makes them look weak.
If someone uses filler words excessively, it grows my urge to break into their sentence simply so that they finally shut up and I don't have to listen to their awful speech...
I used to fill in words in between lines of thought whenever I talked. But pausing doesn't really increase the chance of an interruption. Anyone who interrupts you before you finish a sentence is a bad listener. I've also noticed that if you talk slowly and arrange your words carefully, then people will be more eager to listen to what you have to say and let you finish. It's a habit that takes time to engrave in your mind but it pays dividends.
I hate that people think when you're tentative you're not confident. Sometimes you're just thoughtful. We need to promote thoughtful people, not just people who come across confident. In my experience that confidence is actually just arrogance as they state false things with complete confidence.
There is a way to be tentative in an unconfident way, and a way to do it in a confident way. If we find ourselves tripping over our words trying to avoid or sugarcoat or mince what we're saying, that is probably not confident. If we clearly state a disclaimer about our opinion, that can be confident and tentative
So true. Unfortunately, people with psychopathic tendencies are very good at showing confidence and manipulating others. Hence, why they so often end up succeeding, and making up a disproportionate share of the leaders in the world. This is one of the principal reasons we are living in the world we are. Yeah, Vladimir Putin; I am talking about you!
It depends on how often your being tentative and how often you have something meaningful to say. There should be a balance.
I'm not sure if you aren't missing the point here. When you are being thoughtful, you can just speak slower and use pauses instead of filler words. That's a way to promote yourself AND - anything you want to convey. Arrogant people try to express confidence by talking loud and fast, but called out, asked a question - they will use a lot of filler words to avoid answering. Do you often meet arrogant people who make pauses when they speak? I don't. Also, when people make those pauses, I can't help but get an impression they are thoughtful. That's how impressions work.
@@jimmyyin8572 Well, I might kind of disagree. Understand, I don't want to offend anyone here, but, you know, like maybe you can be tentative. I mean, of course, it is only my opinion, and no offense, ummm, to anyone who disagrees. I mean, maybe that is true? I don't know. But itis just my opinion, you know. LOL.
I took a public speaking class in college and that class ended up being one of the most useful courses in my life. Listening to yourself and others speak is so helpful eliminating those filler words and speaking with confidence.
I find it somewhat narcisisstic of the society that the majority of people struggle with those traits and STILL require others to behave like this towards them. I mean, learning to behave more confidently has value on its own and makes you feel better no matter what, but a little understanding for those who struggle would go a long way. Thanks for the useful hints!
i agree. also, do you happen to know whats the movie on 8:38 ?
I think people need to remember that avoidant body language is actually a common trait of autism spectrum disorder.
I’m not sure where you came up with that perspective but I’m afraid it simply does not jibe with reality. First of all I would not say that a “majority” of people struggle with these issues. And secondly, its not a matter or people “requiring” others to behave in a certain way towards them. There are just certain types of body language and behavior that tend to turn people off but this is not an analytical process and therefore has nothing to do with ones "expectations" - conscious or otherwise. As for your last sentence it is both right and wrong. The body language that confident people display comes directly and naturally from that underlying confidence and they are usually not even consciously aware of their own body language. In other words; these people don’t have to tell themselves to carry themselves in a certain way. The video on the other hand is simply giving tips to people who are not really confident on how to fake the outward appearance of being so. The problem with this is that when people respond positively or negatively to a particular body language they are responding to what this says about person underneath and not to the body language itself. And even if you fool them in the beginning the real you will eventually show through. I was actually a very shy and social awkward teenager myself but as I got older and more confident my body language also changed accordingly but it was not something I ever had to think about as it just came naturally. When you change on the inside what you convey through your body language also changes. But I guess there is something to be said for “faking it until you make it” so maybe these videos can be useful to some people. And its certainly good to study these things to improve your job interview skills or if you want to be a better public speaker.
@@SLOBeachboyI think you made some really valid points here.
Avoidant body language is usually because I do not like or trust you .
Appreciate the love guys!
ayyy my guy chris
Bro got only 10 likes💀
@@ibreatheair69172 now 😉
@ibreatheair69 but those were super confident likes
Pausing works when you’re being interviewed or giving a speech but in a social situation you will be cut off no matter how charismatic you are
Pretty good advice. Just one thing about the pausing instead of using filler words. Those celebrity videos don't really reflect my real life experience because celebrities are trying to be charismatic and polite. I have always been pausing instead of filling the silence and even if it's just for a few seconds, 9 out of 10 times I get interrupted because people assume I'm done. Maybe they are just not even listening after asking me something. It's weird to me, it feels like everyone waits for the slightest chance to get the spotlight.
That's an issue with the other person. They're impatient or excited so they aren't actively listening. My advice would be to politely call out the fact that they're interrupting you, and continue with your sentence. This may feel rude in the moment, but your tone, body language, and eye contact being relaxed and open will make this seem more like "I'm sorry, I wasn't finished speaking yet" instead of "Shut up, I was talking".
@@On_the_Virgil05 yeah that's definitely a good way. I was always trying to do that, when I felt like it was important to finish my thought. I was more about that it is pretty exhausting to me, when I have to do that all the time. Nonetheless yeah, that's the best and most polite way I agree :)
@@On_the_Virgil05 if its a friend you're close to however giving them a slap on their hand and telling them youre not done works the best
I agree completely. And unfortunately(in response to other commentors) I also find that this seems to be more common than just a bad friend, and even if it is an issue with the other person, most people don't see it that way.
I have surprised people by being the person that shuts up. They never see it coming,. They start to talk like they re hoping I'll rescue them and jump in with a mid sentence reply, and it won't happen, because I learned to let others speak. I listen, wait my turn and it makes people seem unsure what to say next or stumble a little. It's like letting the air out of a balloon, eventually it has to come to a halt. When I know the person talking is absolutely on their tip toes trying to look for something else, thinking they HAVE to keep going, I'll jump in and rescue them by replying.
Keeping a list of things to do and not to do while in conversation is only going to give you more tasks to juggle and create more anxiety. I did it for years and it did exactly that. I got better at faking confidence but never actually got more confident. A bigger turning point was actually getting curious about other people. That naturally makes me open my body to them, address them directly, ask questions about them, etc. Plus with less to think about, when I'm answering their questions about me 1. I actually heard their question and 2. I'm absolutely sure they actually care to hear the answer. That makes me able to tell my story without thinking they might not care and I don't have 7 things juggling in my head to distract me from just telling my damn story.
100% agreed
That might be quite a good point, as somehow I end up making the best impression (and thus am able to connect with people better) when I am 1. too tired to think or 2. drunk. But of course not everywhere. There are some social groups that are so tight one is afraid to open one's mouth.
good point in a vacuum, but the video emphasizes the importance of regular targeted exercises. the idea on display is to acquire these behaviours as skills, specifically so you don't need to think about them when you are having actual conversations
Can I give a tip to people who may find all of this too overwhelming? Just be genuinely interested in people. Ask them about themselves. Dive deeper into their answers, don't just move on to other things. Try to really dig into what they enjoy, why they enjoy it, and then (and this is important). COMPLIMENT them on it. "Wow, that's honestly so cool. Good for you." This takes "rules" out of it. Just be interested and complement them. Great example of this is Bear Grylls. Anytime he talks to people on his show, he's just SO genuinely interested in them, and rhe love he has for people shines through. He doesn't have to act or think. It's a natural thing for him. And I think it can be natural for a lot of other people too.
I tried showing that kind of interest in someone and I was called a "gossiper" for first time in my life.
I love this approach! I made a new friend this year that can walk into a room knowing nobody and leave knowing EVERYBODY! It’s amazing to see. When we got chatting about how we socialize, she said that she likes to look at each connection as a once in a lifetime moment; you will likely never see that barista or customer again, so why not take an extra moment to really SEE them? It’s really helped me see the magic in each person I come across :)
At an event, I was seated next to someone I had nothing--I mean NOTHING--in common with; every subject I broached, he held the opposite view. I groaned inwardly at the thought of spending the next couple of hours bored 😴 Everybody loves pets, right? I have cats. He doesn't like cats; he's a dog person. In fact, he just adopted a very elderly dog. "Wow," I thought, "who does that?! Taking on a friend they know will only be around a short time." I said aloud, "What made you decide that? Because it takes a special kind of person to choose an elderly pet." He instantly warmed and we had animated conversation the rest of the evening--because I stopped focusing on what I hoped to get from him, and got to know him instead! 😉
So just change your personality and become a better person. Got it!😃 No but seriously, I do agree with the gist of what you're saying. It's "simple". But not *easy*, for people to do a 180 from their usual habits. It may take a long time for this to become second nature.
I do this and they never ask anything back, just go on tirades... until I feel like falling asleep :D help.
This channel has single handedly made me go from extremely introverted to extroverted introvert, thank you Charlie and Ben, you guys are changing lives. Edit: Ima just get this out of my system, DAD I'M FAMOUS! Dad?
What are the biggest takeaways for your life? What things have helped you the most?
@@jameshumphries5059 the comedy videos 1000%, aspecially the videos with Ryan Reynolds!! I have always tried talking with women like I was trying to find out everything about them by just a barrage of questions, but now I can actually make them laugh and be silly. The confidence of short kings video also helped me (I'm short...) and other confidence videos did too, the body language tips help a lot!!! I use to literally just sit in class and freak out whenever someone new talked to me, now I talk to new people, I still struggle a bit with confidence sometimes but it's definitely getting much better!!
@@TheNorseDinosaur - Awesome dude! Well done.
An introvert is someone who naturally feels drained when talking to people and doesn't like much social interaction. I know first hand because I'm like that. There really can't be an "extroverted introvert" because they directly contradict each other by being literally polar opposites. I can talk to people for example, but I honestly hate it and like to spend time mostly alone or talking with just one or two good friends or a significant other at most, but nothing else because anything more than that is overwhelming and physically and mentally draining for me. You are probably actually just extroverted, but you had some kind of past /childhood trauma that made you shy/have social anxiety that made you think you were introverted because you avoided talking to a lot of people out of fear, even though you clearly craved to do so. That's a mistake a lot of people make and I just wanted to point that possibility out.
@@jameshumphries5059 Probably the constant shilling wore him down
This channel helped me go through a lot of stuff on work. It's fun to see different characteristics people have in a work environment.
I have the opposite issue in that this channel has helped me to realise all of the small faults in my character and personality but I don’t seem to be able to change them so now I’m more socially anxious than ever! I absolutely adore the content here and it clearly works, but I’ve become so obsessed with all the small things I’m doing wrong I can’t get my mind off them 😢
@@Jessie_Pinkman_ jesse, we need to cook
@Jessie Pinkman, Hang in there! I felt the same way with some of the videos I've watched here, but I still think it's great advice. Just as they say in the video, start small. I want to encourage you to give yourself some grace. Being here shows you have an interest in trying something new, and that is a great start.
@@Jessie_Pinkman_ Practice mindfulness and radical acceptance my friend. There's nothing better!
My favorite way to blow off a bad joke is "they can't all be winners" its got this weird level of self-awareness that you gotta try even if it fails, but youre not bothered if it does
If you ever watch SpongeBob SquarePants, you'll notice Plankton shares this level of confidence. Whenever his current scheme is failing spectacularly, Planton begins to lose it to the point of near hysteria. However, the second he realizes he's done for, he instantly collects himself, shrugs, and says something to the effect of "Eh, you win." and retreats, but he's not defeated. It's what i love about him.
0:43 The way Matthew is sitting cracks me up💀💀. Bro looks mad comfortable
Relaxed body language
Yes, he looks like that because he is acting to look like that. Why do people think actors stop acting when they're being interviewed or in some kind of a show? Even most regular people would act in those situations. And by doing tricks like shown in this video they just train their acting skills, instead of changing how they truly feel or are. It's all fake, and it makes me sad to realize so many people are trying to come across as someone they are not.
When i was younger I put extra stress on myself in social situations. I wanted to be a talkative extrovert. I learned to embrace my quiet nature over the years. Do what feels comfortable for you. If you are always agreeable and it isnt a issue for you then dont stop just because of what others think. Short version = do you and own it ❤
Even if you're an extrovert, there are a lot of great tips in this video, like not using filler words and not going along with the crowd when you fill strongly about something. Great advice!
i like this channel a lot more than I expected. I always thought I had a pretty good handle on these things naturally, but your videos really are unique and thoughtful and I will definitely use some of these tips
Your channel has been irreplaceable for helping me be successful in sales
Wow, this video was truly amazing! The content was well researched and presented in an engaging and informative manner. I learned so much and appreciated the attention to detail. Keep up the great work, I'll definitely be watching more of your videos!
Thank you for this insightful article! It's a valuable reminder of the importance of self-awareness and social etiquette. Recognizing and addressing these social mistakes can empower us to present our best selves and build stronger connections with others.
Thank you for adding value to our lives. I see myself getting more comfortable with awkward situations or conversations 😁😅
I've loved this channel from day one and you guys have still improved immensely since! I wish I had this channel when I was in high school because I needed it big time! But still your channel and the people behind it have helped me so much and I want to thank you. Keep up the amazing work!
I also wish I had this channel in high school. In 1979. 🤓
I always loved that Dali lama one. He was so good natured (both of them really) it was so sweet
One of these habits I have to admit I use to do a lot and I’ve been working on it but after seeing this video I realize I need to work much harder on it! Thank you again for another great video!!!!
Dude, thank you so much! These videos have helped me handle social interactions and even a few insults. Like some woman trying to police on I clapped at a Banquet for volunteering. She was a plus one (not even a volunteer) and she literally put her fingers in her ears after the dinner was over and told me,"It was a bit too loud." Or something like that. And I took a *pause* because I was stunned and I decided I didn't care what she thought so I joked it off,"Oh I was clapping for the other half of the room." And when didn't get the response she wanted she didn't say anything else and everyone got up and walked out to take a picture outside. I'm freaking about to be 25, and she has grown kids and was a guest at _our_ event. And she's gonna be rude? She didn't know that I am aware of my naturally loud clap and I was *_already_* making sure to soften it and she _still_ said something. You can't please people, you can only do what you think is best or right. I was proud of myself for how I handled it and proud that I made sure to rein in my claps regardless if she knew the effort I had put in. So thank you for the channel. I'm always rewatching videos and taking notes to remember more tips later on.
I’ve started recording myself & watching the videos back & I’ve reduced my filler words exponentially! Asking interesting questions really makes people remember you, too. ❤❤❤
As a CODA, someone with (a) deaf parent(s), I profoundly appreciate the normalization of signed language user inclusion!
@@tomtacular I refer you back to “someone with (a) deaf parent(s)”
@@tomtacular :) Great job trying to bully me into explaining something you could google.
@@tomtacular You lost out on having the answer spoon-fed to you when you insulted me the first time. Who responds positively to this in your life and reinforces that this is a good way to interact with people?
@@tomtacular I’d think it’s socially a piss poor interaction, I don’t care either way because I got a few laughs out of your frustration and delivered some truth along the way. 11/10 day, I daresay. Hope yours has been as productive!
@@tomtacular Only sensible comment
Great video. Solid points made, very well explained, with easy to understand examples.
Keep up everything your doing on this channel man it’s really good 🔥🔥🔥.
Being a good interviewer involves thorough preparation, methodical approach, showing genuine care for candidates, improving judgement to avoid biases, and learning from past experiences.
I like that you gave ways to improve like filming yourself. Great stuff.
This channel has definitely helped in improving all round, thanks COC. Wait WTH,did I just write 🙆
Good video with solid advice. Recording yourself talking is something I never thought about before. Will try that.
Here’s a tip: STOP CARING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK!!
I agree in principal, however there are numerous good reasons as to why humans in general care what other humans think.
Writing in all caps does not make it correct. Of course we do care about what others think, including family members. A better advice would be don't care too much about what people think.
Lol. Bad advice. We live on a planet with 7 billion other people. Not saying we need to be neurotic or completely cater, but you NEED to communicate (verbally or non verbally) well to do well or even enjoy life.
Bad idea.., this can lead to denial or an over confidence which can come off as bratty, trust me, I’ve done it myself.
@@nbkw48 it also helps to be neurotypical
The advice to record yourself speaking is brilliant. I mean, I won't do it, but it's brilliant.
You can even seem strong in your lack of confidence or in revealing a fear if it is one that is honest and you are consistent with addressing it.
Great points especially the one about videotaping yourself. I am a very honest person and many find me interesting because I joke alot, am happy and energized at work. This means I get asked a lot of questions, like constantly. Its almost like people get a bit of relief because I have stuff to say. This of course can be exhausting. For ex right now I am moving to another country soon,quitting work and EVERYONE keeps asking me stuff and often extremely practical (a.k.a. boring) things for ex "have you secured an apartment, when are you moving?" Or harder ones that require longer answers "how do this kids feel about it?" So I think your advice with taping answers could help me a lot. Simpky decide how I say stuff with confidence for ex "you know I really wanna talk about something else now, how about you telling me something about yourself?"
so happy for Hot Ones being on here! Sean's questions are so insightful.
I practice all of these except asking obvious questions mother always told me I didn’t care enough in life and I subconsciously tried to change myself to match her advise/expectations. Confidence has definitely been a major W in life compared to being shy and timid, lots more opportunities
I am shy. I feel like my intellect is unwelcome to any authority figure and diminishes their unconditional grip on power.
Happy to see Sean Evans from Hot Ones getting some love! He’s such a great interviewer and seems to bring so much joy to his guests.
Definitely a video to check the comments on. The video is in probably no way wrong, but being confident isn't always your correct answer for every situation. What I do need to work on is being too agreeable. I try to be super honest about important stuff (the state of relationship, things that upset me and a working theory as to why, come to mind immediately). But I otherwise rarely am my own person (almost constantly taking role of devils advocate and thus not revealing my own stance, being fluid with my, and sometimes deferring to others, tastes or believes). The conversation of "what shall we do? playing games sounds right, but which? Well we recently played x. Y and z are also options, I have no particular desire to go with v, but I wouldn't exactly mind it either. (very rarely I give an "Honestly I think I'll not join on 'w', but go ahead I can keep myself busy and we can still talk" - in a tone that hopefully doesn't imply emotional blackmail)" has happened quite often. This may well be, because I often haven't taken a stance on a matter, but that feels close to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Also there is a lot of little lies or diversions when I am with a stranger / not yet close enough to count among my contacts, which I suppose isn't all bad (I have a lot of vulnerabilities among common conversations, like work, relationship, family), but certainly doesn't make it easy to connect with new people.
Haha i'm the guy with that testimonial that got the job after medical school! Charisma on command university changed my life for sure!
One thing I've learned to do when I find certain health care providers make me uncomfortable or don't listen to me or I just don't like their approach to things is to stop seeing them, altogether. I'm not ashamed to cancel follow-up appointments if these people aren't really helping me. I can always go elsewhere. I've noticed that when I cancel these appointments, they almost never ask me why. That shows me they really don't care about my concerns. Follow your instincts in the healthcare field -- if you don't like a doctor, or a nurse practitioner who is little more than a go-between or middleman (or woman) between you and the doctor -- than don't engage with them, anymore. They're either helping you or they aren't -- and not listening to you is a major red flag. So, don't be ashamed to sever a relationship with a healthcare provider who isn't working for you. Staying with them just causes unnecessary stress, which in itself can be unhealthy. Arrogance is another red flag. If they act like they think they're better than you and treat you that way, get out of there and don't come back!
This is exactly what I needed...my dr has been...well, let's just say completely & utterly out of line...for about 3 appointments now. I'm trying to find a new gp-it's hard where I live- & the pain in her face when I come in AGAIN is 😬 Screenshot time.
As an RN since 1998, I second this. Healthcare providers are there for you. They should be taking time to listen to your concerns, and if you feel like they weren't addressed, you can always call back to ask questions, or get a second opinion. If a doctor refuses to take time to listen to you, find a different doctor. There are plenty who will. Don't try to self diagnose, but look up symptoms to get an idea, look up your labs to know what your abnormal labs mean, and know about your health issues, so that you can advocate for yourself. Ask questions if you're unsure, and know side effects of your medication, as well as possible interactions. Never be passive with your health - your life may depend on it.
Doctors ignore you if you are uninsured. If you are insured they run test after test to try to find something wrong so they can triple bill your insurance for unnecessary tests and treatments.... these kind of doctors are narcissists.
Very true comment. Im up to 70 appointments over 5 years - bed bound most of the day still and my issue still isnt fixed. Do not trust the proccess. You have to bruteforce it, otherwise you will never be cured
Sean Evans is by far one of the best interviewers of all time.
I notice when I am more stoic and reserved I actually get more positive attention and am pursued more. Both my parents where con artists and had artificial charm. I never wanted to be like them and became very honest and reserved in my interactions while still maintaining strong body language and eye contact. I am very weary of over charismatic individuals due to my upbringing. Any thoughts? Is there a balance> ?
I have had better results in my life by staying with my quiet nature rather than putting on an act of false charisma. The difficulty however is finding a way not to give off a rude or disinterested impression.
@@maxpitchkites Same here ! I love the natural order of the forest. Remember the Coyote does not ask permission for its meal :)
From my experience, I used to be more shy. I would only speak if I was sure that I had something good to say. Most of the time I was ignored and overlooked. Sometimes, I was treated as a wise, mysterious guy. Ultimately, I struggled to make new connections, and I rarely felt like part of the group. I think the improvement I made was to act more recklessly among friends. Sometimes I'll say a half-baked idea that was obviously faulty in retrospect. Curating my thoughts a bit less helped to make me more approachable and helped to keep my self image (and my friends' images of me) in line with reality. I think the ability to charm and convince people is powerful, but morally dubious. It reduces a person's agency. Justifiable and useful in many situations, of course, but maybe not ideal when forming close relationships. For example: "Hey, I'm gonna go drink a soda on Dan's roof. You in? It isn't safe but we wear good shoes and I love that view and breeze." This is not very charismatic, in my opinion, and easily rejected. But it's nice to know that the people who I hang out with like me for me. Also, lacking charm helps motivate me to improve myself as a person. If I want to be interesting, I now have to... find things around me interesting, have fun stories, etc. Anyways, there's some thoughts.
Number 2 was helpful. I have a stutter and I'm afraid to pause or stay silent for a while when I should take the time I need to say something.
That Dalai Lama joke had me rolling 🤣 It was good he just doesn't speak English very well.
There's a follow-up. After a few minutes of silence, the Lama says, "Where's my change?" And the cashier replies, "Change comes from within."
Same here, such a bad joke, so funny
The follow up joke made me laugh, but I honestly didn't get the first one. He said: can you make me one with everything? What was the answer?
I really like this series. One of the things that occurs to me, though, is that sometimes we're expected to be lower status. In social situations you're supposed to take up space and feel comfortable in your own skin but I've walked into business meetings authoritatively and made the boss feel threatened (or more insidiously, invoked the ire of people who are socially higher-status than me who immediately feel the need to put me in my place). I hate faking laughter at the boss's jokes but if you don't you're treated as the outsider. Are there techniques for maintaining self esteem while still signaling that your status is lower than that of those who are higher in the hierarchy than you?
GREAT question. I would never have thought of this.
get in the gym, hire a trainer so you know what to do, live there, eat 250g of protein a day from whole food sources. GET BIG. A man with muscle is ALWAYS respected by everyone whether they verbally admit it or not
Must everything you think about be about status? Give more examples about what you’re talking about.
That's a good question. I would say your best bet is to project these presence-defining traits but still defer to your authoritative superior. (Particularly giving them credit in front of others.) Which do you think they would prefer: "This quiet background person is my supporter" or "This confident person that everyone likes is my supporter"? Don't view it as an either-or. If you bundle it so that the better you look the better they look, they'll always be happy for you.
If you value yourself, avoid social settings where you have to pretend to be low value. My 2 cents.
Great video...thanks. I've blown several job interviews making those mistakes.
The thing I like the most is how, instead of being another video about doing things that are not YOU, this actually tells you how to be you but project that image in a better way. If that makes sense. We look away when we think something over / try to remember, which is fine (watch the clips and you see this even when they do it right), I think the key point is to not move your head down or to the side and just move your eyes instead.
I am a person who pauses. Unfortunately, I have met way too many people that takes pauses as signs of lying, lack of intelligence, drunnkeness, being on the nod, being ill, having a brain injury or brain volume loss, being handicapped, etc. So, I pause to gather the right words and I get interrupted by people interjecting things like WHAT? ... WHY DID YOU STOP? ... ARE YOU OKAY? ... OH NO! JUST SAY WHAT YOU INTENDED TO SAY! Oh yes, I forgot they often also take it as a sign that you are avoiding telling /calling them something awful in an attempt to appear to be a better person than you are. Which leaves me doing a lot of avoidant behavior, indeed- b ecause, I am literally avoiding any interruptions of idiotic proportions as I attempt to think while saying "Uhm .. err .. " and such as that.
You are talking to narcissists. They hate the pause and fill in words for you trying to skew the conversation to make them big and you small.
While the first person is completely right, another possibility for this is that while pausing you might be prone to breaking the eye contact which is a big no-no! Instead you should hold proper eye contact and look like you're thinking. Let them know you're thinking!
Honestly, there was a time I'd follow advices like this. But they made me feel fake, forced and basically just copying others. In my heart of hearts, it didn't feel right to me. I feel so off and not myself. So now, I just be myself. Maybe I'd tumble and fall, but at least I was being true and genuine.
people who follow advice from this channel would seem the least confident. Theres nothing worse than an insecure person attempting to display confidence... I think the purpose of this channel is to make people understand that all this advice is counterproductive through trial and error
Your exact problem is mentioned on other videos. I've seen like 10 videos and talks your point
Thanks for the video. I needed it at this time
There's practical value in these tips, but deeper connections are made with people who don't believe in most of this. There is so much more to life.
I usually look down when talking to a person or group only when their presence bore me badly. However I am able to recharge and maintain eye contact a few minutes after. This only happens when I meet the same boring, predictable and judgemental people i.e from church etc.
I ❤ the channel. All the advice has helped me be a better version of myself. My question to you guys is this. I shared your videos with a few of my friends and they down play the benefits of self improvement by saying your videos are common sense and that they do these methods naturally (they really don’t). How can I show them this stuff works or is it simply people believe whatever they choose to believe. Also it would be a cool video for you guys to make about people who think they are great at something when in fact they are not. Thank you guys!
If I may chime in? I've noticed that when I share some information to help others, they often take it as an insult as if they needed to know it because they are deficient or are inferior in some way. It's an ego response ( a survival construct). The ego is always proud and wants to look good in every interaction to maintain or get higher in the dominance ( pecking order) hierarchy. Dr Jordan Peterson recommends that if people aren't receptive to what you are saying, stop talking. There are many seasons and experiences to life, and we don't all learn the same thing at the same time. I hope this was helpful.
Maybe just work on yourself. You then become a great example and people will come to you. We all have our own journey..
When i pause to think, this gives whoever im speaking to to interrupt me. I used to do this, but people around me would rather i use filler words than pause, as ive been told by others.
Thank you for these helpful valuable videos.
As always, very well said, and it's interesting how even the repetitive points through the videos help the viewer comprehend them deeply. However, not everything always applies to every (even western) culture the way it's said. For example, pointing out confidence and repeating this word over and over, in some cultures isn't what people have in mind as projecting the most, while everything that the meaning of it refers to is indeed what we wish for to see the most in the other person. For many, friendliness and humbleness or even shyness gain better impressions, but again, even in this case seeing people looking this awkward and uncomfortable, wouldn't be pleasing for them. It's very interesting.
I think there’s a lot to be said for being somewhat reserved yet stoic.
If you want to impress someone and feel like bragging, brag on them not yourself. They will immediately be impressed.
1. Physically take space and smile 2. Don't use filler words but silence 3. Don't be mainstream 4. Apply self-derision 5. Don't brag 6. Speak your own truth Basically the application of several rules from Jordan Peterson's book. I started applying honesty, which is hard. As Jordan says : "Speak the truth and you'll have the adventure of your life."
This also kind of reminds me of an old school commercial, “When EF Hutton talks, people listen.” I always interpreted that to mean, be a quiet person and also think before you speak. Make sure what you say is going to make a difference. And speak with conviction. Thanks for the tips.
You don't need any of these tips. The key is to know what you are talking about very well and respect everyone but fear no one. That's it.
Hey, I was wondering about how to stand up for someone without coming off as aggressive? I’m not sure if you already did a video on it but I think it would be helpful in my life, thanks :)
Lower the pitch of your voice, be concise and look them in the eye. Hope that helps. Cheers!
Don't fear silence! Dear god I love that! I used to struggle a lot with "uhm" and "uhhh" and it took me until I was 22 to realize I wasn't thinking fully before i began talking. It feels awkward at first just stopping mid sentence to contemplate on what you want to say or how to express your thoughts so the other person can understand better, but you get used to it and you realize nobody cares, in fact they usually hold your opinion to a higher degree simply because you put actual thought into it.
Thanks for the advice keep up the great work 😊
1) avoidant body language 0:35 (hang your head, face away from people, not making eye contact) Strong body language will make people respect you more Smile, keep eye contact, shoulders back, take up the space around you Be open and expansive with hand/arm gestures Have strong body language, head high, shoulders back 2) talking tentatively 1:35 Don' use filler words and stuttering.. these habits get worse when you don't know what to say, so give yourself permision to pause and think before you answer a question, or even midway through a sentence. Don't fear silence * Keep head up, keep eye contact, no filler words Once you get good at this, your silent moments of thinking can become powerful moments that build anticipation (replace filler words and stuttering with powerful pauses is something most ppl struggle with even once you know you should.. :: ** 3:05 video tape yourself Record yoursaelf on video for 3-5mins a day asking yourself questions and answering them. Day 1: start with easy questions that you know the answer to and require little thought so you can focus fully on removing tentative talking .. what do you do? where are you from? describe your family etc. Speak at natural speend and put mental focus on catching filler words before you say them and replacing them with pauses Day 2-7 slowly move to questions that require more brain power like what is the meaning of life to you. Immeadiatley after each day's recording, watch the video. Within 1 week you'll see a noticeable reduction in filler words and an increase in confident pauses 3) asking first instinct questions 3:45 These are the questions everybody asks especially if the other person is high status in some way, high job ranking, really attractive, famous etc .. you can bet there are the same qyuestions they always get asked.. avoid these. Ask questions that most ppl dont ask and something the other person is excited to answer .. hopefully they light up to the question .. ask them what they're proud about or passionate about 4) retreating after a miss 04:55 don't retreat after a bad joke, you need to recover from telling a bad joke.. laugh at yourself 5) bragging unnecessarily 06:30 Most people want to be liked and they're not sure how to make people like them.. so they try to force what they think makes them likeable or admirable into the conversation. This isn't to say it's bad to share the interesting things about your life, you just want them to come up naturally. If people think you're telling a story just to work a brag in, they still won't like it 6) prioritise being agreeable over being true to yourself People do this because they want to avoid conflict Stop telling little white lies
With #1 what if you have an awkward smile like forcing it.
I want people to leave me alone so I always do the opposite, unless its with people I want to spend time with or interested in.
I hear you and agree.
Yup
There's some truth there. Being more attractive means you have to spend more energy on filtering. I'd rather conserve some for other things.
@@WCCXtra It is not that I am attractive, I am just very introverted and have social anxiety.
@@mikokennoob5032 , I meant being attractive in a personable sense, as well. I incorporated a lot of these behaviors over the years and dealing with people I don't really vibe with got exhausting. I get what you're saying, though.
LOVE this list, all stuff i really need to work on lol
Shyness is attractive to me. It's vulnerable and sweet. I'm not sure that "confidence" is the most important thing in the world. I feel like we should be more accepting of shy behaviors and let people come out of their shells on their own, rather than demanding they do things or be a certain way. I'm not saying a little confidence doesn't help; I'm saying that not everyone can do it, and that's perfectly fine.
That joke was brilliant, he knew it was going to bomb, and he told it anyway. Genius.
I’ve found that in avoiding “white lies” at least with dating is that when you are honest and then honestly complimentary it goes over much better. For a simple example. Do you like this dress? It’s not my favorite, but last time you wore that black dress I couldn’t stop thinking about you all night. But don’t give compliments if it’s not true. In my experience females are a lot more adept at picking up subtle signs of emotions. If you are feeling what you are saying, they notice.
Good policy. I never give false compliments
"females"
Females 🤦♀️
I wish I had seen this video 15 years ago! It sounds like great advice. I’m going to do more research.
Great content! Invaluable!
Kristin was formulating her thoughts by looking away to focus on her internal dialogue, similar to prayer so that she could induce a thoughtful answer, which she did when she looked up again, with direct eye contact I may add
Shes an introvert
There are things I like about being an introvert, and don't always agree with extroverts.. However, especially since our society tends to be more extrovert-geared, some tools that come naturally to them would help me at times.
I use silence often and despise filler words. But I'm hearing impaired and don't have good eyesight so I tend to look at mouths or slightly to the side while trying to understand people. Once I get comfortable with someone's speech patterns, I tend to respond quickly and sharply without much thought of how it may affect their feelings, so taking the time to process first and responding slowly but ending statements with eye contact helps quite a bit.
Jamie Fox is naturally talented and everything he does always seems so easy😅 I love when he tells a story or just do what he do... He is just great🙌🏼
In summary, just be relaxed and your unapologetic self. Don't have to memorize all of these rules lol. Great video!
I have a hard time distinguishing between Confidence and Arrogance. I find these examples, they come off across as Arrogant.
Most people are more arrogant than confident since only maybe 20% really have a reason to be confident.
I use these tactics in conversations with narcissists in my work place. It infuriates them. Especially the pause before exposing their narcissism to them. When pausing make clear eye contact wait 3 seconds maintain the gaze then eviscerate them with the truth.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐Excellent video with superb advice. I am developing a homeschool curriculum &, fingers crossed, a private school & I have added this video to include in communication, mindfulness & social skills instruction. Liked, commented & subscribed.
Would love to see a breakdown of Hollywood cliches that don't work in real life!
I rarely click on these types of videos because they are more often than not, complete BS. But this is a good one. What I liked most was, being honest, expanding and keeping your head up, and avoiding filler words. I worked many years as a presentation coach and manager. I'd give this advice on a regular basis. The easiest way to delete filler words from your public speaking is to film yourself speaking. You'll be just as annoyed by the filler words as anyone you might be talking to, perhaps more so.
Sean Evans is a genius, and thank you for your content!!! 💕 Beautiful descriptions
Nice, Chirs and his podcast are great!
that Dalai Lama joke was actually hilarious lol. I'm sure it's just a language barrier issue
Been watching you for years, but I stopped purposely because it actually made it harder for me to socialize make friends and everything do to the fact that I am an over thinker, and when moments came to use your tips and needed freezing like 98 windows computer because I just kept trying to use something from one of your video, then covid happened and I got worse and after that I bounce back by the my will of saying “ f#%k it” I still feel like I run out of things to say or I’m not paying attention to people because I’m constantly thinking about how can I avoid quiet moment, it’s just crazy how much crap I go through to just speak, anyways I’m not downplaying your content I’m just wondering if anyone else deals with that?
Find a professional (therapist) it helped me A LOT with my social anxiety and what they call "self-awareness" moments
@@paulonavarro7095i too have a social anxiety
And yes i deal with that too
I was like that before. The best thing to do is to: 1. Practice questions to ask or topics to talk about when you don't have anything to say or as a conversation starter. 2. Learn to feel confident in silence. It might be awkward but when you panic when there is silence, it gets a lot worse. 3. Remember most people are also shy, not like they are all chads filled with confidence. 4. Don't try to change your personality e.g if you are reserved learn to be comfortable with it. 5. From being comfortable yourself and personality, you can develop your own version of ✨️Confident ✨️ 6.Listen to what the other person is saying. Like if someone is telling you a story actually listen to it and enjoy it. That way the reaction with come naturally. 7.When I'm really nervous I try to rub something to sooth myself. I don't do this always as people can notice this and tell you are nervous. Hope this helps 😊
A great video with clever insights.
Great content!
People listen to and remember their part of the conversation. It's like I never said a word, unless I am supposed to give them something. I don't talk very much, anymore, unless I have to and I always have to push to get a sense of understanding. I avoid phone calls. I'm Autistic and I am very literal and intellectual. There are thousands of us. We communicate differently. Everything that this video brought up, to "change, to improve", how others see you, is how our brains function. It is very hard for us to lie. Today, one out of 36 children born are Autistic. Due to Toxins, Synthetic Estrogens, and Endocrine Disruptors in our mothers, and the milk, water and meat and "food" and "medicines" we are fed. In 1970's one out of 2000 children had Autism. They say rates have increased because more are being diagnosed, now. The Medical Industry is monetizing us more than ever, especially young children, and putting us on toxic pharmaceuticals, to correct our social skills, so they can feel more comfortable around us, like we should have to fit in with them and their facades.
Hey it's good to know that you are aware of the true causes of your condition. So many people and "experts" are clueless about this spike in modern medical conditions. I used to have many autistic traits myself (helped by a plant based high carb/sugar diet growing up) but being forced into constant socialization just to survive (put simply) made me be less so. I had to fake it till I made it or else I'd be FUBAR. If you're not aware yet I recommend the book Estrogeneration. Look into low carb diets like keto as well to offset hormone imbalances. Good luck
Sorry to hear about your condition and the data you've shown. Someone appeared to have replied to this comment but it's hidden. I wonder what they have to say about this.
Enlightening, I forgave my dad for abandoning us but honestly (not something I’m proud of) I still feel resentment towards my mum for the amount of my life was detected to raising my younger siblings. Literally everything physically cooking washing cloths and getting them off too school, I moved out at 15
That was not fair of her to put that burden on your shoulders. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. You can never get those years back. ❤
@@jessielynn there’s nuances, she worked 3 jobs she is still an inspiration, but her decisions early on led to the situation. I’m sure it’s not uncommon. Appreciate the thoughts though
One of the best channels i ever subscribed to 👍
Being truly good at something is also very helpful.
You know, I kind of look forward to having a joke flop because I've found the fun in giving a self-burn acknowledging that it didn't go the way I wanted. The dryness is totally my sense of humor and it ends up making people laugh even more.
Contrived jokes always fail. Jokes must be spontaneous and catch people off guard. A flopping joke is a sign of bad timing... not knowing when not to joke. If you don't have good humor skills, timing and a quick wit.... avoid joking.
Have you any Idea how many lives you helped with your social advices?
Great video, glad to see it
5:00 I am on the Autism spectrum and ofttimes have trouble with casual communication. About 7 or 8 years ago, when I see that I'm trapped in a joke that is missing badly, I started saying; "I'm failing to make a joke" rather than "I'm trying to make a joke". It came from my using the Yoda saying at my Martial Arts school. You know "Do or Do not..." At the time, I had no idea just how well it would work. It changes the situation from something that, out of politeness, they will try to understand, and continue the awkwardness, to at the very least, a chuckle, thereby letting me to walk away from the awkward joke, and I no longer feel a need to explain what I meant. It also offers an opportunity for a witty come back. My favorite was when the clerk said: "Well, you are failing successfully " Hilarious! It turned my my mis-step into something that we both, and a couple of ppl within earshot, had a good laugh at. Win-Win, in my book.