The 7 Things You Can Do to Make a Relationship Work
We can spend a lot of time in committed relationships wondering, maybe with a fair amount of anxiety: do they love me? Might it all suddenly end? But perhaps less time asking the more salient question: what can I do to help this valued relationship endure?
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FURTHER READING
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“We can spend a lot of time in relationships to which we are ostensibly committed wondering, maybe with a fair amount of anxiety: do they love me? Is this solid? Might it all suddenly end?
But perhaps less time asking the more salient question: what can I do to help this valued relationship endure?”
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CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
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Title animation produced in collaboration with
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1 the partner must feel heard 2 they must feel that we are on their side 3 they must feel appreciated (according to their own love language) 4 the partner must know that we are making an effort in their name 5 they must feel wanted emotionally and physically 6 we must give our partner an accurate map to our areas of immaturity 7 strive to remain calm around our partner's most trying sides
You saved me 4mins of my life thank you
It's very difficult to live with someone avoidant
Staying single sounds preferable.
@@sajalmishra2872 true. It's hard and we don't owe it to ourselves. I was for sometime with someone like that and it was one of the most damaging periods of my life.
Failed on 6 of 7.
Having a great relationship with yourself plays a big role in having any other kind of relationship.
Very true. Love this. 💜
A very wise thought - we quite agree!
Self love is the ultimate prereq!
@@rev0lve638 I agree is self love that helps you find love around you.
@@theschooloflifetv I must know - is it Alain de Botton who comments and likes comments 😂
8.) "Don't hold grudges and always share your needs & expectations" My relationship got very complicated. Endless Fights, misunderstandings and blame games. We were not ready to listen to each other. To make things normal i started playing question games like “Lovify”. In this game, we had to guess each other’s expectations. Got to know a lot about my Boyfriend. Your partner will understand you, only if you share your feelings with them ❤
Being in a relationship is not like a Disney movie. There is no perfect person, soulmate, happily ever after. Love is not a feeling, it is an action. And wanting to be in a relationship with someone requires intention, effort and action to connect and understand each other however simple or deep or silly it may be. It should also be fun, easy going, playful, creative, sweet, and intimate. No one is truly “made” for one another. We constantly refine ourselves to be better people on our own and hopefully treat our partners with respect and hope that they reciprocate. If not, then it’s not a relationship.
Very beautifully said. Thank you. Sounds like a lot of time investment, though.
What a lovely write-up!
“We have the misfortune of loving someone who is not ready for our gift” That resonates with me so much. I can see how my partner is not yet ready, he carries so many trauma, he is too proud and defensive, and honestly too insecure. I try my best to embrace a cactus, but at the end of the day I deserve to prioritize my well being, and remind myself that changing him is his right, not mine
I'm in the same position. I asked for some space, i am unable to take the unkindness anymore.
Hey I feel you. But in a different way. I was your partner in terms of behavior. I have so much crap in my past. I was unkind to my ex and not loving because of my own insecurities and became emotionally abusive. It's best to break up like she did with me. If he does care he will heal. If he doesn't you saved yourself a hassel. Don't hold it against him.
@@MrFujin I won’t hold anything against him. I knows he is trying, it’s just that the way is not always so clear. I only wish the best for both of us, and sadly the best is we break up
@@MrFujin I won’t hold anything against him. I knows he is trying, it’s just that the way is not always so clear. I only wish the best for both of us, and sadly the best is we break up
It takes two to make love last. Both partners need to be dedicated to the process of building a healthy relationship. Giving compliments, having meaningful conversations, being compassionate and truthful-these are all things that make a couple stronger. 💞
“It takes two to make love last.” That part👆 When your partner “doesn’t” put in an effort to make the relationship work, it’s time to move on!
Perfect! Just the comment I came to make.
Bad relationship can ruin you and leave you to struggle with PTSD for years, so it’s better to prepare yourself for the real world. Not everyone is meant or suitable for a healthy committed relationship, some folks just have to be avoided at all costs. Not everyone can be “fixed” there is no magic pill for personality disorders. I wish this is something we could teach children to avoid unnecessary struggle and pain down the road. Teach them how to recognize abuse, and how to leave toxic relationship. Everyone teach you how to make it work, but not many teach you how to leave toxic relationship safely.
There are amazing people out there with personality disorders. I have a friend with BPD. You just gotta meet the right people
@@m.l.7558 Most certainly if they are introspective, however, that's not for the majority. Either way, a relationship won't be 100% healthy even if you are fully aware that the person has a personality disorder, you would still have to deal with their unpredictable condition.
This might sound strange but all these psychology videos online taught me that I want to be single. You gotta be ready to take on a lot for a relationship and be willing to do a lot for a relationship, you can't take them lightly in any way
After a series of failed relationships I made the decision to just be single and stay single for a while. It was the best decision I ever made. I didn't even go on dates or hookups for almost 2.5 years. I now feel ready to start a relationship and someone came into my life at just the right time...things are going better than any relationship I've ever had before and I owe it all to making the decision to be single for a while!
@@Moleskineman man I tried that and felt the same and it ended up ending worse than the worst. Best of luck to you and glad to hear it’s better maybe I need another phase of alone time and growing.
Always invest in yourself, love stumbles upon you in mysterious ways no matter what. It's nothing you can force or be "ready" for. All you can do is be the best person one would wanna date.
@@Dullitwins I get that but I think people should change for themselves instead of making themselves change for other people
@@bigboinkie4352 Oh, definitely!
This is the absolute truth! Don't get lazy, people! Relationships are a constant work in progress. Always be as kind & considerate as you were in the honeymoon phase...you know, before they started getting on your last nerve lol
My partner suddenly left me after things appeared to go so well, taking me into this endless loop of thoughts of guilt, confusion, wondering what I could have done to avoid this break up, or what behaviours I had that led to the break up in the first place. This video helped me realize a bit better that it was not my fault. The other person didn't seem to really love me and just was not ready to put in the effort.
A month ago, I ended my relationship after four years because my partner considered 1-7 to be "wants"-not "needs". You can imagine the fights. I do struggle with bitterness, and this feeling that he profoundly wasted my time.
He wasted your time? Or you wasted your time with him? Did you have no choice in it? Or, perhaps, you actually lived all this time and thus not wasted anything?
To be honest, it is very calming to hear Alain de Botton 's voice narrate these videos. This coupled with the beautiful and amazing content The School of Life Creates is an antidote to a chaotic mental state.
If only he could narrate them all 🙏💛
@@TheRealMoonSage The excitement I get when a new video starts with his voice! Only if, only if he could narrate them all!
this channel’s videos on love and relationship have been incredibly helpful for me, and always seem to frame difficulties in a hopeful light. this might seem insignificant to the next person, but the fact that there is often imagery of gay couples is amazing and makes me feel validated
Having a child is stretching my wife's and my relationship so much. It comes in gentle waves where nothing bad happens for weeks, then peaks with an epic blowup about how to raise a child / spirals into arguments that have nothing to do with the child. Thanks for this video
This is do to different parenting styles (views) that are based on each person’s experience growing up!
Dont have children to fix your shitty relationship. Just a thought.
The sad part is we shouldn’t need these videos. We should be able to navigate one another the fact that it can go on for years and years telling your partner that you want some thing and then all the sudden a KZhead video makes it click for them it’s kind of insulting. Right?
You picked the person to raise your kid with, celebrate that. Do what's best for the child ❤
No one tells you in advance how much having a child will test your relationship. But it’s not you. Or your partner. It tests everyone.
A happy marriage is the union of 2 great forgivers who respect their families of origin AND are committed to bonding as a new household.
Two weeks ago i bought this book and I'm reading it now. I'm mexican and the majority of my thoughts are in spanish, but when I read it I imagine Alain's voice, and it is so comforting and enjoyable.
Man, I always go to your channel to get some advice or at least, use it as a guide. May it be my hatred towards myself, my existential thoughts, relationships - you're really teaching us a lot of things about life. Thank you so much
"We may need to reflect, under the full glare of the truth of singledom..." this is so accurate! I see so many people jumping from relationship to relationship, never having self-reflected, never having to uncover the demise of the relationship in therapy, never taking accountability for their part in things going sour, and then complaining why romantic love is hard always and always ends in bitterness. It takes a LOT of work understanding our own selves, sitting with our emotions, not letting the anger in the moment drive our reactions to something that has triggered us. Romantic relationships don't just 'exist' or 'happen,' they GROW, and require active nurturing.
This has come at a good time! Thank you
Thanks for watching! We're glad our film has helped
@@theschooloflifetv F I L M
I love you guys. It's always so nice and comforting hearing you talk about love and relationships and life. I know I've become a better person because of what you provide here on this channel. My favorite that I always come back to is the 8 rules of the School of Life. Keep doing what you do best!
the final sentence really hit home being someone who's just broken up a conflictuous relationship. amazing video as always
Its nice to hear Alain’s voice once more 😌
Great list! Great channel!
This is the most perfect relationship guidance I’ve ever heard.
Thank you for brining back this narrator's voice
I love your content and your presentation. I really needed to hear this.Thank you so much for all you do 💖 xx
Great timing of the video
This is a really helpful video. Thanks for creating and sharing 🔥🔥🔥❤️❤️❤️👍🏽👍🏽
These videos have taught me so much
I needed to hear this. Thank you.
💀 I needed this yesterday
This is a very good summary.
Number 2 was something I never really thought about before. If I ever enter into another relationship, this will eventually be the test that will decide if we are actually in relationship or just waiting around for someone better to come along.
Dear school of life, you are like that psychologist to me whom I always wanted to go to but could never afford.
A nice and great video here. I love the videos created in this channel.
I needed this
Thank you!
You definitely need all seven of these at the same time. I have most of these with my sons father and we coparent really well, I'm proud of that relationship. But for romantic love you need all seven and thats really hard to find.
1:38 I love how Benjamin Franklin makes an appearance in this video
Guys does anyone know if Alain de Botton is going to do any interviews or open talks any time soon? I haven’t heard from him in a while! Love this man in LIVE format
Thanks!
Before we bring someone in our life we must fix our life at first
Agreed but also accept that u won't be able to fix everything as more will show up in ure relationships. The key is to be willing to heal wen it does
That won't work.
@@PeachPlastic but will work when it's time to work
Thank you #Tsol!
This could not have come out at a more perfect time. I always feel like I'm bad for wanting more from my partner, that wanting them to change is evil and selfish. that being interested in sex and being a good person are two things that cannot coexist. truth is, I require affection and sometimes reassurance, things that do not come easily to my partner. I suspect she needs professional help to figure out why it is so hard for her, as she has expressed interest in it, but we have not yet even gotten past hugs. After all, she is damaged, and I need to be patient.
Uh...depends on how long you have been in this "relationship."....It sounds like she might not be ready for a relationship.
@@krustomer young relationship, only been serious for about a year. I have suspected the same thing, though I do plan on talking to my therapist more about it today and going from there. I'm not getting what I need from our relationship and suffering for it rather than telling her about it. It affects how i feel about her and how I think she feels about me. I plan on having a discussion about it with her where I want to suggest counseling for issues she will never be able to get over on her own. she has issues from her past, as do I, that keep her from getting 'too close' and opening up 'too much'. I do not want to break up with her, I love her, but if she is not willing or strong enough to take an honest look into herself and get the help she needs, I don't see any other option. It feels like the worst decision ever, and I hope it doesn't come to that. Thanks for listening, I feel so alone with this decision.
I think the question is y do u need it so much. Y do they need to change to give u this need? Y can't u accept them just as they r? I would first investigate if the thing u need and how u want it shown to u is reasonable. U may be right that ure partner has work to do however if u r with them, chances r u need to do the same. Like attracts like as they say.
@@Catina28 I think I am doing the same. I know that I’m not perfect, and I think I’m very responsible with my needs. It’s really just kissing, which she just isn’t ready for, and I’m not sure she will be without talking through her past. Half the reason I’m in therapy is because she suggested it.
@@grawlix4419 it depends on why she doesn't want to progress physically. If she wants to wait for moral/religious reasons that's different to not trusting you.
sometimes, after all the struggles on one side, and seeing no effort from the other side, it's easier to just end this mess
I very much needed to hear this today. Thank you. I would be very interested in your opinion on long-distance relationships. I love that you also show a gay couple in this video making me feel seen.
Relationship at deep levels is hard. I never knew it needed so much work and I'm fucking 50 years old...
Rules is a must
thank´s
Amazing
videos like this make me realize i wasn’t shit in the past
sometimes when people write "sorry" or any variation, it can give the impression that they may overreacting, feeling way too guilty for something really small but also a similarly exagerated appearence may come when people write a form of disapproval, even if it shouldn't seem to bad
I feel like we can get through this
Correct ❤
Thank you for this helpful video. I also especially appreciate the abundance of inclusive animation & photos 😍🤩🥰 🙏 ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
OMG! That sounds complicated! I think I would add 8. Ask your partner to do 1 to 7 too. 😂 for me when I became less insecure and stopped taking things so personally only that completely changed my marriage 🙂
"The key to a woman's heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time." ~ Finding Forrester ❤
Interesting.
Is there an eight rule of successful relationships you would add to our list? Let us know in the comments
Yes, I would say the eighth rule in love is the forgetting of the self.
@@ThePinguPenguin disagree
Understanding that a partner is good enough and avoiding the need for perfection!
@@ThePinguPenguin You are completely wrong. Love is acknowledging the self enough to see your needs, whether it be healthy self improvement or someone to enjoy being with. If you forget yourself in love, it’s not love anymore.
I would say an 8th rule is that you can apply these rules to just about any interpersonal relationship. I've had both lovers and friends who have not been able to make these things happen within our relationship and that's why we no longer have one.
bravo
Anyone who is single 😂 and listening to this 😺
We don't have to be in a relationship to learn how a successful one should work. Indeed, it may be more fruitful to learn these lessons when one is not (yet) committed...
@@theschooloflifetv hmmm right
I used to believe I needed to be in an intimate relationship to figure this stuff out but I kept choosing partners with whom, paradoxically, I would never be able to. I took an entire year to be single and focus all of my energy on understanding myself, then using this foundation to figure out what I wanted from a relationship: learning how to be vulnerable within existing friendships and learning to set boundaries. When I met my (now) fiancé, I was in a pretty excellent position to start the work in this video and it’s because of the work I did on myself that I chose someone able to go on this journey with me. Thank you, School of Life. I’m a psychotherapist in Kent and I often recommend your videos to clients- you’re an absolute godsend.
@@prettypaints903 haha, yes
The School of Love 💕
I'm amazed by the pioneering concepts in this content. A similar book I read inspired a significant shift in my life. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
That moment when this started being a checklist of why we needed to break up...
(FACTS OVA FEELINGS). One of the Most Common Things Eu Hear Relative to Relationships is it Takes 2 Watt this means it is Automatically Assumed tha Both Parties is at Fault in sum way r hold sum Responsibility for the Down Fall of the Relationship but the tRUTH of Relations is much Moor Complicated than that the tRUTH is it can bee 2PPL who Both Hold Responsibility Relative to Ruining a Relationship but it Only Takes One Person to Ruin a Relationship the Real tRUTH is it Takes 2 to Make a Relationship Work
0:37 I love your content, but love is ANYTHING BUT logical.
It’s literally putting someone else above yourself in a way Love is a choice “falling in love” isn’t
ask not what your relationship can do for you, but what you can do for your relationship 😂
I didn't leave an inch of work or a stone unturned to save the relationship. The last step to lose my breath...even then if it works I would have done that.
So it didn’t workout?
1st view 1st like.😀
thanks
I was one of the unfortunate ones who did all this for my girlfriend and she was a ghost
There's a sound error @4:02
Relationship? I'm out
You are lucky
Whatu mean?
@@MrYatesj1and what do you mean also? I'm involved in this now. 💕 📐
Is there no audio for this video? Or is it just me 🤦🏻♀️
step 1: be in a relationship first
2:28 2:39 3:01 3:26
❤
The title makes me think this applies to any relationship, I think it almost does, but I think this more for partners. I'm looking for something like this but in general relationships like spouse, kids, parents, colleagues
There's a glitch in the audio in the last 10 seconds, unfortunately. Lovely video, otherwise.
(FACTS OVA FEELINGS). Most of Us Knoe Only One Wave of being in a RELATIONSHIP. Most of Us Knoe Only One Wave of being WANTED and it is usually whatever STRATEGY Worked with hOUR PARENTS and in hOUR CULTURE of ORIGIN and so Wee do that but if this is not the Full tRUTH of who Wee are or of watt Wee Want Wee will Flip on the PEEPHOLE WEE DATE
First, i guess
🥇
Shiiiii
1. Be in a relationship🥲
Relationships suck !!! Don't Compromise your life for some lame relationship. The most important relationship is with the self, self love and selfishness are the highest priority.
You know not all relationships end in divorce right
Who told you i cant make relationships work?! Ah!! Who?! 😅
I'm out ig
Understood
Only 7. Lucky 7 huh.
tfw it was as simple as this
“Not so many of those around” you mean emotionally unavailable people with deep, ingrained fear of commitment? You truly must live in a wonderful part of the civilized World, or in a delightful psychological healthy social bubble.😅
God fu**ing damnit... why have I always done all of this, while telling my partner that I needed some of these, and she almost never does? Why do I also feel to be the one at fault? Human minds are so fricking stupid
animation: lesbian, video: gay. Thank you, noted.
This is another one of those School of Life videos that works off of two faulty assumptions: 1. That everyone is messed up; and 2. That we should accommodate each other’s flaws instead of fixing ourselves like grown ups.
No thanks. Too many rules. I'll continue enjoying my freedom to do what I want, when I want, where I want and if I want.
Freedom is not the absence of responsibility, freedom is responsibility. SEEK TRUTH FROM FACTS
I gave all of it to her I received 0 of 7 from her
Your not alone. Learn, grow and open yourself for new connection
They? We have multiple partners at once?
yey to queer representation in this video!
your "Fix OCD" video is bad. unpost it :))
Showing same-sex couples in the video is disgusting!
I asked chat gpt what a good self help channel was and yours came up lets see if chatgpt was right.
❤