Malignant narcissists who are also covert can be especially difficult in relationships since they are expert at hiding their real motives. Dr. Les Carter offers 10 ways to identify a covert malignant narcissists. Knowledge is power, so as you know what to watch for, you can be positioned to make necessary self-preserving adjustments.
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1. They do not want to be known. No vulnerability 2. Profoundly intolerant and contemptuous of different beliefs 3. Zero give and take in discussion - strong rigidity 4. No regard whatsoever for your needs or feelings - no interest in you except for data to use against you 5. Anger is managed with passivity - stonewalling, mean silent treatment, harsh passive-aggressive, no co-operation 6. Openly aggressive; anger is cruel - words of hatred, condescension and contempt (to your face or behind your back so you find out through someone else's contempt) 7. Collect people whom they deem to be weaker - flying monkeys, "yes" people 8. Truth is expedient - secretive, lying, changing stories, you never get the whole story 9. No conception of love - may want sex, adoration/admiration, conformity, submission, compliance. Their "love" is conditional 10. Their hardened feelings deepen over time - commitment to dominance They are unimpressed with all your efforts to connect heart to heart They've lost any appreciation for your humanity.
I appreciate this thank you!
@@nvk743 thanks. It's so amazing having Dr Carter make sense of the futility and confusion! To feel understood and know we aren't alone ... so grateful.
Michele Pascoe absolutely is remarkable how spot on all Dr. Cs information is! Knowledge is freedom and I feel free today! I will share your typed list with my family so they can understand what I am struggling with
@@nvk743 it's hard for others to understand if they weren't scapegoated or are convinced of their excuses for the narcissist. I hope it goes well. There's a helpful list of characteristics of narcissistic mothers by Parrish Miller online which explains a lot.
Michele Pascoe thank you! I appreciate it. My family is in denial about my husband. We are separated now and I am home with them. I will check out your reference! Thanks again!
Sometimes even when you agree with them, they still approach the topic in a combative manner.
they argue like you and me, breathe! o my,
It was impossible to agree with my sister. If I ever tried she would suddenly flip the script and start supporting the other side of the issue. So I'd find something to agree with about that, and FLIP she'd go right back to the other side. Very annoying and very bizarre to experience. It was just one symptom of her overall covert narcissistic behavior, but one I found particularly disturbing.
If you agree,they then disagree ,contradicting themselves just to be contrary.
@@tulanzuya Yep! Same with my sister. I call it a ‘constant moving of the goal post’.
YES! I remember saying "but I'm AGREEING with you!" only to hear "No, you are not, you're not listening to what I'm saying!" Deliberate antagonists, all.
"The covert malignant narcissist is a human in name only" is such a perfect description.
Very well said
When you finally accept that they are impenetrable and uninterested in people beyond what usefulness they can derive from them, there really is nothing left to say. They are beyond redemption and trying to help them restore their humanity is not only a waste of time, it will seriously damage anyone who tries.
It definitely leaves the nervous system shredded. Luckily there are many ways to remedy that.
It will and it has
@Tree Hugger 🌲 yes, me too. Every word You have just put into words what I had been feeling. They mirror back your own good feelings and you think they are unison with you. In fact they are an empty shell or worse.
@Tree Hugger 🌲 Virtual hugs for truthtellers.
Nancy, you pegged it!
-they’re best friend to everyone (except you) -they always have a “good reason” for everything they do (and it usually sounds like a very convincingly “good” reason even though it’s really just a lame excuse to play the victim role or avoid real accountability) -they’re very “forgetful” (supposedly) -they always have something “important” to tend to (but never the important things you ask them to do) -they walk away from you while you’re talking (while saying they’re listening as they walk away) -they tell you you’re wrong (about everything) without saying the words “you’re wrong” -if they start a conversation with their victim (and that’s a big IF,) the conversation ends when the other person has anything to say (regardless of the content) -they REALLY enjoy sex -they’re masters of gaslighting -they either had the worst childhood (so they’re the perpetual victim reliving they’re past) or the best childhood possible (so they AND they’re family are golden) -they greet with agenda driven compliments (“You look amazing” only comes in close proximity to the possibility of sex, for example) -they give fake humility compliments (“You’re so much better with your words than i am” is an example of this… which is really just a lame attempt to not have to talk to you when they should) -unlike most narcissists, many of them go to therapy (they’re the ones snowing the therapists… it’s just an alternative avenue of finding a fix) -they “soothingly” dismiss your problems in life by “sweetly” telling you things like “i wouldn’t let it bother me” or “i would just move on” (key word of red flag “I”) -when asked to do something, they (might) do it but it will always come with a price of silent punishment (either the silent treatment later OR the immediate sigh of disgust right away) -when you ask them NOT to do something, they ALWAYS find a way to do it anyway (just because you asked them not to do it) -if they are Christian, they attend church regularly but rarely participate in faith practices behind closed doors (especially if you’re the one initiating said practices) -they can but you can’t (fill in the blank… you can’t say the “f” word but they can say every other curse word imaginable, for example… but fill in the blank can be anything) -they live by their habits, even if those habits are bad habits (if it’s something they’ve always done and gotten away with, they see it as “acceptable” and therefore YOU should accept it… that’s how they think) Edited to say… in a relationship with a CMN, you feel like you’re going insane (literally) because you see things (literally) the CMN will convince you you didn’t see. And you will feel things the CMN will convince you you “shouldn’t” feel. When you are at the breaking point, the CMN is right there by your side to either agree with you about your insanity OR (or and) they are right there by your side to “help” you through it. The savior/Satan complex is deep with the CMN. I could continue. I had the wool sweetly pulled over my eyes for thirty years. The biggest red flag is if someone seems too good to be true- they are. The second biggest red flag is if something seems “off,” it is. Separated 4-1/2 yrs now, i don’t share to complain or boohoo about my situation but to relate and hopefully encourage someone else to know it’s a big boat in which we journey. You’re not alone in this (even though it definitely feels like you are and even though it might “seem” like you are. Things aren’t always as they seem… hence the number one lesson learned from the covert malignant narcissist in my life.) You can move forward. It might not look like what you thought or hoped it would. But you can do it!
When you ask them not to something, they always find a way to do it anyway. Exactly, they do it because they know it bothers you. They are hell on earth.
All of this!!!!
Amen to that! You are so right and we can all make it because the truth sets you free 👍
Thank you for this real revealing summary. The first step in moving forward is facing the truth. Then move forward one step at a time.
I concur
As I always say, malignant narcissists HAVE to be covert, otherwise their game is up before it even begins.
They are masters of deception and disguise!
@@LittleKitty22 Oh yes!
Not really. My mother was a malignant narcissist and she was not covert. She hated everyone and had nothing good to say about anyone, ever even if she did not know the person or people and she seemed to be proud to show people she was contemptuous toward them and all society. She was mean, spiteful and scapegoated anyone who made her mad but you may not have done anything to MAKE her mad, she just decided you deserve her anger. She was always angry, bitter and mean. Some narcissists are so damaged they let it all hang out. Needless to say, she had no friends and I don’t miss her dysfunction.
@@Garden366 Wow, as a friend of mine once said, "Serious case!"
great point! actually spot on!
"A human in name only, they have lost all their humanity." This is an excellent quote! It is nothing but truth! They possess no genuine care for anyone, or anything except themselves. If you are not supply, you are not worthy of discussion! Thank you, Dr. C!
They fail on the self-care, too.
@@shelley7975 Yes, sometimes. My narcissistic mother inlaw saw the doctor regularly and took her meds. She needed to be sure that she was around to continue to torture everyone.🙄😭
@@notthatvashti8127 Ha. My narcissistic parents took excellent care of their health. The narcissist can torture us better in the flesh. Otherwise they have to wait to get intel from their demons to tell them what to do.
@@notthatvashti8127 So sad. I am sorry, and I hope you are well away from the abuse.
@@christar9527 I agree. There's no pleasure in not being around to see your demise/downfall. It's quite sad.
Have to hide who they are because they are always on guard of being found out. So not gonna be a deep mutually reciprocal relationship as a friend, spouse, parent ect. .
Yes! They are evil and harmful, and they do know it.
That saying- its better to be quiet and let people think u r a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt- comes to mind. I thought mine was quiet cause he was insecure and shy. He wasn’t shy. He liked nothing better than to go away on business trips and meet people and cheat. They r quiet because we wld be shocked if we actually knew the things they r preoccupied with. They have to be quiet. Or risk telling on themselves. I avoid introverts because of him.
Well stated.
My guesses: Do it my way ...or there's he#l to pay. They're never interested in your opinion, or ideas.... about anything. They never apologize.
No, they don't. And now and then I defy him, stand up to him.. and he goes into a rage, then punishes me with the silent treatment or withholding.... either sex or time together with him.
@@suzanne4396 - Yes, exactly! Such weird, destructive humans. It would be interesting to ask them: "So, you have 1 life & THIS is what you want to do with it?" But of course, that would be pointless.
Hell, I WISH my narcissist would go silent, the only peace I get is when she sleeps or goes shopping.
@@suzanne4396 - I did that (stood up to him & fought back) when I came to understand what he was all about. I finally stopped as it led nowhere & I felt like I had sunk to his level. I was emotionally detached at that point as I realized he would never change & I no longer wanted to live my life like that. On my way out. Good luck to you. Stay strong.
@@mattdonna9677 - I understand. That (Silent Treatment) became my peaceful time, once I understood he was using this tactic on purpose! When I became emotionally detached I told him when he was in yet another S.T. mode - "let me know when you're done w/ the S. T. because we need to discuss x,y,z." His facial reaction: Priceless! I then walked back into the house 🤣👍💪💪💪
“A human in name only”. Wow! This really nails it. My husband decided he needed to go to work the morning day of my father’s funeral. Not only had my dad passed away, it was a very traumatic circumstance (suicide) that left us all reeling. My husband owned his own business snd was in total control of his schedule. Yet, He felt he “needed to make the money” and that I was strong enough to take care of myself. Very cruel, without an ounce of empathy. This incident barely scratches the surface of the list of unbelievable behaviors I have experience in our marriage! 😢😢
That is cold and calloused. Dr. C
I had a similar experience when I realized I was being discarded by a close family member on the day of my father's memorial service. I found out later this person was telling lies about me to distance other family members and friends. I was shocked, hurt, angry, so confused. I finally went no contact. It wasn't easy, but it was one of the best decisions of my life.
So sorry Dawn. Been there many times. My ex walked out on me and my two day old baby after promising for months he would look after me. He said he had to be at work. I could have had a nurse if he had said. I couldn’t get down stairs to look after my baby. I wish I had left him then. No feelings at all.
A friend's supposedly uber-Catholic husband made the same excuse to stay away from the high school graduation ceremonies and Masses and follow-on parties for BOTH of his sons. Took the day off before each of those big days, then insisted on the actual graduation days that "someone has to make the money to pay for the graduation parties"...meaning him going to work all day on those days. Self-serving narcissistic ass. His wife finally divorced him after years of trying everything under the sun to figure out what made him tick, with no success. Lots preceded all of the above, too. Really sick that he chose to hurt his sons that way.
Me and my brothers and sisters took turns keeping our Dad company on his death bed. My foster sister kept harping about who's kids were going to go to her son's birthday party that week. On her son's birthday she called everyone asking about gifts. I was alone with my dad one evening .she had the gall to call his room ,I answered the call and she asked when was I going to go to the party and if I am going to bring anything. Narcissists don't take no for an answer .They are relentless. I told her that Dad could go anytime. All she said was, 'The old man will pull through ,he always does". He died that same week. This was the last straw. I put her out of my life. Her own biological Father didn't walk her down the aisle and pay for her wedding.
I married a covert malignant narcissist who pretended to be the most gentle, loving, supportive guy prior to the marriage. Our son who is now an adult (41 years old) is a carbon copy of his abusive father and he was diagnosed as a covert malignant narcissist by a military psychologist in 2012. I divorced the father and yet I was abused by our son for 30 years until one year ago when he discarded me like he has done many times prior and this last time I decided to honor the no contact that he initiated and I walked away. I am very slowly recovering from the decades of abuse at the hands of my covert malignant narcissist son. You video is spot on Dr. C. Thank you.
The damage they do to us is difficult to endure, I realize I have wasted 12years of my life on a woman who is not worth her weight in manure . ., Dr Carter is sharing his gift with us, we can come out of this damaged but not broken, moving to a better quality of life. Best wishes to you Antoinette.
@@mattdonna9677 Thank you so much for your support and I wish you the best in your healing.
Wow im so sorry. That has to be hard to deal with as a mother. You're an inspiration
Thank you Antoinette. Same in my family. Brother is an overt. Married a malignant covert. Their golden child completes the cycle. The rest of us are bullied, scapegoated etc - exactly what they accuse us of doing to them. As a gay Buddhist who fled and travelled the world, got a great career in Asia and completed a PhD and have a great partner. Their combined campaign almost drove me to suicide. They are truly demonic yet appear externally as so quiet, shy and almost vulnerable. Freaks. Two years no contact
@@antoinette8519 so your son abused you since he was 10?
This man understanding of NPD is truly the best and the way he explains it makes it easy. Thank you for everything you do!
You are so welcome. Dr. C
kzhead.info/sun/qNZxdc96pGtnpmg/bejne.html
@@SurvivingNarcissism it's a great pity you don't give therapy to people who live outside your country, or do you?
@@Adlerjunges83 idk why his online group wouldn't allow people from everywhere. 🤗 I'd sure hope he would. Paying may be a hurdle tho. He normally has the link to sign up in his vid description, so you could check from there when he's running his courses. I know his newest videos he brings it up at the end (Called "free to be" online course) Sending light, love & positive vibes your way💚🕊️
He and Dr grande have a great way of explaining in a way that everyone can understand.
Sociopathic Narcissist would be the term that fits my Ex best. Dual life, two wives many mistresses and many men. When he secretly took out an insurance policy on me, (I found it in a stack of papers and it was gone the next day. Shortly after that he beat and strangled me. He nearly killed me. It's the grace of GOD that spared me. You can't deal with a sociopath, They have no conscience. I left without warning while he was in jail.
They are a special kinda hell whithin narcissism. Glad you're out!!
@@Picca65 Thank you
I agree. Sure glad u got out.
So glad you survived and got out.
Oh yeah 😣🤨 the damn insurance policies. Very familiar with that shit. 😐
One very important point you made was the fact that this escalates over time. Most of us come in and continue to believe we can change it or that it will somehow get better. This is an emotionally fatal mistake. Instead, we MUST see the ebbs and flows of abuse for what they truly are, just an escalating cycle.
TY for pointing this out. Gets worse with time, is such an important piece of education for people to be aware of. Wish I could give ur comment 1000 likes.
Crazy how insidious it is!!!
I count myself lucky that it only took me 14 years to figure this out, while others spend much longer with hurtful people like this.
So true.
yup, the escalation was thankfully dramatic. I was then able to see it clearly enough to walk away with my life.
I want to be a person of dignity, respect, civility and I want to live in peace and bring peace to other people’s lives. Thank you dr Carter.
Amen! God bless you. m.kzhead.info/sun/g6qGk5VpnnuDmIU/bejne.html
You described my mother exactly. She's' very scary, like demon possessed. So cruel, mean, punishing, sneaky, deceptive, controlling and manipulative. She truly hates humanity, hates God and all his creation. It feels evil to me, I can't deny it. I'm trying to go no contact. I ran away at 14, i was horribly abused by my extremely toxic family. I had no idea what was wrong with them, I thought they were mental or demons. They're still that way! I'm almost 50 now with very min contact with only my mom and even that too much. Our 10 min chats once a month are just too much, her hatred and cruelness comes out but in most covert way imaginable. She cannot stop. She only wants to hurt me, it's so crazy! She gas lights me and says I'm the abuser, while she's being abusive! Not only does she act crazy but she looks it too. She let herself go and is a mess. My mom is very jealous of me and it comes out when she talks to me. So disturbing! She likes to criticize and pick me apart and slips it in in our brief chats. Does in a covert way so she can deny me if I call her out for it. Death by a thousand cuts. These videos are life and soul saving for me, thank you for lighting the way. Please pray for all of us affected by these creatures, whatever they're called.
video "Breaking Generational Curses - D.P" kzhead.info/sun/eMqhf5eag5yIqI0/bejne.html
They're demon possessed, just as you say .......say your Rosary for consolation , you're not alone never alone !
I would stop these "brief chats".
my mother are sophisticated to that, she use religion to judge and mean to people, being racist is one of her weapons, and shes so proud of her ethnicity, while attacking any other race, religious view, religious group, to the point bashing other religion, sick mother....
You are under no obligation to speak to her. You are your own person, never forget.
Being related to these people is like a life sentence. They don’t take ‘no contact’ for an answer.
Sometimes they do. My sister didnt try to break my going NC when I finally could, because she had better supply at that point: Her sons of 4 and 3 years old. :/
@@xrc7445 Lucky you! But bad for her sons. Actually, my sister is the same- she has her kids and my poor brother in law under her control. It's my parents who won't leave me alone. ugh.
They don't have to. Only we need to accept it. Only we CAN.
@@alyssaleatham8544 very true. Thanks for saying this. I forget 🙂
@@thescapegoatclub Your parents are her "flying monkeys."
You hit this one out of the park, Dr. C. They are sneaky bastards that will steamroll their family members and anyone else who gets in their way to get what they want. They truly are soulless.
Ex wife. Discarded husband #1, I was the rebound. Discarded me after 17 years, 2 years ago. Now she has discarded our 15 year old son. He's worked her out. She's revolting.
@@davidyardley512 I'm sorry. They have no shame and don't care about anyone but themselves. They have lots of screws loose. I hope your life gets better. :)
@@davidyardley512 I think revolting is a good word.
@@davidyardley512 I'm so sorry for the pain you and your son have dealt with over such a long time.
Mine never steamrolled his family (sisters and parents) because they are just like him. He praises them and takes their side when they act ugly towards me. I was the one who caught the heat for even coming to him to talk about what his sisters did to hurt me in some kind of way. The arguments would last hours and hours on in, rage and fire in his eyes. Our kids were next in line for all day and night discussions and arguments. I was convinced I was number 3 behind his sisters. I thought a wife should have priority ( #1) in a marriage. I was shown real quickly that his family was always right in everything they do. And how dare I speak against that.
It's important for us empaths to see the world as it is, thank you for empowering us, Dr. Carter.
They are 100 💯 percent out of touch with reality. Damaged beyond repair, have no soul, and many are bullies.
Empaths only exist on Star Trek: The Next Generation. What you refer to is codependents with porous ego boundaries.
@@dotdashdotdash Said the narcissist.
@@kirabarsmith9353 Not a very empathic response.
@@v2919 Wrong, they educate us about the fact there are two types of people, those who can feel empathy and those who can't. Once that's learned, complete humans know who to avoid and their tells in order to find peace and healthy living.
This sounds like my mom and subsequent significant "love" interest later on. It's crazy when you realize that they just don't care.
The cruelty and callousness is breath-taking. When you wake up and gain a clear view it’s astounding. Their actions take place in front of others who don’t see behind the mask. As a Child with such a parent, reality is only a concept. As you grow up you are convinced to believe the problems are your fault.
Seconded!! 😣
Yes. :/ I cut off my malignant narcissist guardian but her voice is still in my head. Shaming, criticizing and tormenting me. It's honestly feels like a demonic possession of sorts.
From my experience some covert narcissists do express a desire and need for love. Usually this turns into demands and threats and neediness. Like they may threaten to harm themselves if you set a boundary. They may call or text you incessantly and demand you message them back. They may demand you to drop anything and everything you're doing in a blink of an eye for them if they're in need/want of something. They may express vulnerability as a way to manipulate you to keep you feeling sorry for them so you will do things for them. They may punish you for going out alone with your friends and force you to allow them to come along with you. Etc. Most of the covert/vulnerable narcissists I've met have a more borderline way of presenting. They're very clingy and needy but also highly narcissistic, entitled, and demanding. They'll use their mental illnesses as a way to manipulate.
Yes, you're onto it. Dr. C
One of my former coworkers did something similar to an ex boyfriend who also worked there at the time, admitted all that to me. Showed me some text conversations, which showed jealously of him being with another coworker, questioning why he won't respond back, would keep nagging him. though she hid/deleted the ex's replies so I couldn't see his responses. Even threatened to kill herself. When that didn't work to bring him back, she thought of the possibility of being pregnant and also admitted she lied to me about being pregnant to see my reaction. Me and a few others have told her to stay away from him for things he did, but she seemed addicted to him. She's told me certain other stories of struggling friendships, though she appears to have chosen to end them herself. There's other clues, but I still can't tell if she's really a covert narcissist.
Perhaps coverts only, but this type seems to be more of a covert malignant (psychopath) type
Its like a tree expecting sympathy from a chainsaw! The only time the chaos lets up is when they are refilling the saw with petrol ready for the next nightmare!
What a fantastic analogy! Is this your literary creation? Gave me LOL!
@@paradisefamilyvlogs3426 unfortunately yes, I speak from experience LOL!
That is exactly the analogy I gave my ex! There is a song with the line in it “I’ll be your shadey tree” that he had me listen to. I thought that was very sweet. That is until I had to endure his berating. I told him that when he does that it’s like he’s lobbing off branches of the shadey tree himself with a chainsaw! Lol. We didn’t get to another prolonged “chat” again but I had in the back of my mind that I would just start making a chainsaw noise instead of starting to defend myself. I would have loved to do that! I only lasted two months with him and those sessions used to leave me cold 🥶.
You can't see their manipulative mind when the covert is lovebombing, then you're confused when their sneaky abuse starts, cutting you down in ways you don't see at first until you learn about narcissism ..I left after 13 years. Healing is required
It’s death from a thousand cuts
15 years I finally left
It is extremely painful; now I know. We we’re together since 15-53; 38 years relationship; married 34. Catholic wedding. I always knew it was toxic; yet we have 3 daughters and 6 grandchildren. Extremely pathological liar, cheater, disrespectful, etc… I tried to save our marriage because of the sacrament we vowed; but I lost myself spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. Suicidal ideation; not no more!!!!! Drained and things got way worse with 4-6 months of silent treatment-that was the death of me. I barely found out in April 2021 of narcissism and Lord have Mercy; forgive me JesusChrist I married a demon. Divorcing 🙌🏼, going to therapy and educating myself with all these videos and TikToks. I am in shock; in ultimate disbelief at knowing how many thousands of people completely have my same story. Praying for healing and the extinction of narcissism. ♥️🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
How are you doing? Is is painful? I am going trough the same process and it is so hard. Prayers to you! 🙏
Jesus died for all of your sins and he will forgive them all if you simply believe! God bless you! m.kzhead.info/sun/g6qGk5VpnnuDmIU/bejne.html
I think when he told me that I don't count, that's when I knew he was telling me the truth. That's how he felt about me. The pain of realizing that I wasted my time ever having feelings for him. The part that he hated was that everyone he was friends with liked me. So he hated me.
I am sorry you were treated that way. Happy healing!
Cymbolic,,, I'm sorry he hurt you because I understand, boy do I understand!! but look at it this way, "the guy lost what you had for him", the poor guy. I say pity the sucker! cause he will live that way till the day he dies because he will never have love or have good feelings for others! and that's a sad thing!!! pity him!!!
Narcunts aren't worthy of pity.... save pity for those who still have souls...
@@vanessamorey3812 LOL when you put it that way you are 100% correct. I guess when I say "pity" I mean pity from the mind, not from the Heart.
@@vanessamorey3812 I said that all the time about my ex...look into their dead eyes. Eyes are the windows to the soul, mine had no soul. No pity for a creature with no soul.
I'm middle aged and disabled. I can't see very well in the dark - one of my conditions. So, I was visiting a woman who I was seeing and we went to a club. We met up with a female friend of hers who drove us to the club and back afterward. We were in front of the friend's house and I fell down her front steps and onto the pavement. She didn't move a muscle toward me. Didn't even ask if I was OK! Her FRIEND did. She was worried and asked if I was OK over and over. Other signs showed me narcissistic tendencies with her. I was constantly on eggshells and she would argue with me a LOT. But, that was the final straw. She's probably one of the COLDEST female narcs I've ever encountered. I could have been really, really, hurt in that fall and she said (and did) nothing at all. No concern at all. I cut contact with her.
Yup that's what they are like. Sadly I have to tell you as well that these creatures see the disabled as "subhuman", in fact most of them want the disabled dead. Get away from that creature before it harms you even more! They use especially disabilities and medical conditions against their victims! Think confronting the victim suddenly with something that the victim is extremely allergic to (or contaminating food with it) and then mocking the victim as he/she ends up in hospital! Been there many times. You gotta get away from these things!
Best decision you ever made.
It’s so sad Dr. C when this describes your “mother”.
I connect with that…. a mother like that and sisters that are just like her. Pretty much walked away from all of it after 50 years.
..and/or spouse!
@@DJH97 Wow! Good for you!! My moms sisters are the same as well.
@@DJH97 Same. I also had a father and I’m thinking a few other relatives like that too. I’m finding it difficult to figure out what kind of narcissists they all were. I knew so many! I’m not sure if knowing will help a lot with healing but it will help me avoid them in the future.
@@christar9527 Try Melanie Tonia Evans and I would go full no contact. From experience they leave you no other choice
“I’ll squash you like a bug if I have to!” LOL! That’s them, Dr. C!
Sounds like my ex, although the best way I can describe him is that he felt fake even when he was being kind or cuddly. His voice didn't even sound real when he was talking about his favourite subject: cats. I wonder if they know that they come across as flat characters. Also, when all seems well, you're somehow still waiting for the other shoe to drop and the relationship never seems to progress forward. You go two steps forward and then you go three steps back, two steps forward, three back again. Feels nauseating and infuriating at the same time. In the end you have zero respect for them.
Thanks Karolina. Sound like my sister in law totally. I was warned about her through the transparent family members but she played me like a fiddle for 35 years then when mum was dying and I flew to stay with them she revealed herself. It was like hitler and gave me CPTSD for years and almost led me to suicide. It was the most insane experience of my life. Everything Dr C says here is so true and her family cult rallied around her subsequent victim hood. Two years no contact
Yea, everytime I felt happy, he's end up ruining it by, ignoring me or nit picking or something
they can be "overly helpful", even very overly helpful that makes you question yourself about why they are doing the thing they are doing. they do that to make themselves look good, yet it look odd. yes, when they talk about things they can sound fake because what they are talking about is just another thing that they don't care about.
@@sideswiped6874 Mine wasn't helpful at all in the house: came, ate, had sex, left. "I don't do DIY etc." And when talking about his favourite subject, cats, he sounded like a 10y old or, I hate to say this, even a retarded person. I guess that shows their emotional maturity. All the pleasure, non of the pain. Walk away when things get difficult and zero capacity for deep conversation.
@@MJ-qb5ph I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I come from a narc family, so know, as the scapegoat, what it's like when they gang up on you. There's never any progress or resolution. Alternative reality and everyone pretending it's real, except you. I'm still ruminating sometimes about my ex, but must remember he almost drove me to suicide and made me believe that it was all my fault.
My mother is the definition of the covert malignant narcissist. The most shocking thing she ever said was she didn't feel regret for things she has said, no matter how inhumane it was. Not even after a young man committed suicide after she screamed at him calling him pathetic and all kinds of other disgusting names. It's no wonder I have struggle with suicide my entire life, but I will not do it as long as she is alive because she will see it as a win...that has been the only thing that has stopped me before.
I really feel for you reading this because it hits home so hard. I was suicidal and my mother kept telling me to kill my self after I had everything going wrong in my life and even told her I was suicidal. I know for sure that had I gone through with it she would feel zero remorse and belittle me and put me down after my death. I’m sorry to hear about that man who went through with it. You have a good attitude and strength to not let her destroy you. I hope you are not in contact with that level of evil anymore.
I want to add that I have struggled with suicide attempts and thoughts for most of the 62 years I’ve been on earth because of about a hundred miserable, evil narcissists that came out of the woodwork to attack me everywhere I went. People like us could use special counseling for free. We have a lot of compound, complex trauma and many of us are unable to work due to the abuse.
I am so sorry that u all had 2endure this. Was a victim myself more than once
well this is my mother, schizoid Narcissist, with mean chit chat commentary, triangulation on her child.... you don't know how many times i exercise suicides plans because of her.... she said whatever mean things pass over her head, triangulations are her favourite weapon, i was expected to be like my old brother, while ive been abused, cursed blamed, and facing violence since childhood
notice your mother will always bring your past flaw, expecting you to behave just like what she wants, don't share any info to her, she likes to destroy your dream and your personal goals...
Has your narc ever taken your ideas or statements, and used them as if they were their own ideas? My narc (a sister) does that, she's even quoted me *to me.* Someone (Andrew) on another channel said "they see the light in you and they want it, want to steal it." I think he's right. Narcs don't necessarily hate their empath, they actually love/want something we have. But they don't want to share it together, they want to make it *their own.* I think they're trying to "absorb" us, if thats the word. Maybe thats part of "owning" us, rather than simply sharing a life together as two separate individuals.
Vickie- I feel you sister AND my sister has always done the same! Never realized she was a narcissist. She is mild compared to my spouse of 35 years. Thinks he owns me I believe! Keeps everything under his control including vehicle titles, etc. on and on
My daughter does that, Vickie.
Yes! My husband literally steals my accomplishment and feats as his own. He always tells it asif HE did it even right in front of me and God forbid I say anything. I'll be punished until I have forgotten why I was! I'm gone but still haven't gone no contact. He is sick and really shouldn't ever be left on his own but I'm slowly getting over the guilt and the fight. I can't help him and he is a danger to my physical and mental safety. It is his choice. Too bad he'll never believe he had anything to do with my leaving. You know, it has come to the point where I know the truth and that's all that really matters. Anyone who knows and cares for me does to so he can do whatever he pleases he will anyway. Just a thought. Nothing is going to stop them and drawing attention that it bothers you just makes it worse. If you get the chance play into it...be careful not to humiliate them too badly or the repercussions may not be worth it.
@@ginakilby1777 That's interesting because *my* two narcissists were my sis and my husband, too! (I knew i had to get out of that marriage or i would lose my health, or maybe my life.) I didn't even know what a narc was when i was married, i only knew there was something sinister going on inside him, and that i was miserable. And didn't know how to say, "But i am not you" or "My life is not entirely your business." I didn't know *how* to deal with it. I exploded in a Bible study once and said, "The man is the head of the house? Thats not safe, they can just kill you if they want!" then the whole ugly story came out and my church helped me out of the situation (i had thought they'd kick me out for being unsubmissive.) Anyway, maybe you can find an attorney or counselor who gives one free consultation? Maybe they can tell you what to do, what steps to take. I don't know, i only know that it can be dangerous sometimes, to stay in the same situation. I hope you can find some help, and have a good, peaceful, happier life one day, because that is how life was meant to be, i'm sure of that.
@@ginakilby1777 Yes, because they don't have any original thoughts and they are lazy.
Once I began to hear, listen and learn what a narcissistic personality was all about my life began to make so much sense. That's the good part. The bad part is that these horrid people are everywhere. Bosses, people you thought were friends, teachers, personal relationships, siblings..... The good news is, not everyone is a narcissist. Treasure them, let them know they're appreciated just for being who they are.
You've got the personality traits nailed. Anybody watching & listening, who may know anybody with those traits, run now. Don't bother asking them for an explanation. They will put on a performance that will leave you both confused & distracted from what they are. Just get them out of your life. That's not easy either if they can't find another host.
Yeah getting a narc out of one’s life is never easy, no matter what “level” they’re at. You will nearly always sustain collateral damage. It’s bitchy and unfair but it’s the reality; it’s unfair that gets foisted on us beyond our choice.
This is my ex-husband 100%. Too bad I did not understand narcissism in 1999, 2000 before I married him and had two children. Now, I’m a mental health professional. I sure wish I could turn back the hands of time and never met him.
But aren't you richer for the experience, Phoenix?
I lived with that in the 80's... I hate him so bad after 30 years that I'm still shaking. I'm glad that he didn't destroy me completely.
@@cymbolichuman433 This was me in the 80s too!. I was with an ex for 37 years before my wisdom with only God's help kicked in. The "shaking" you talk about will ease up with time.
@@cymbolichuman433 This was me in the 80s too!. I was with an ex for 37 years before my wisdom with only God's help kicked in. The "shaking" you talk about will ease up with time.
Oh gosh, yes! But the fact is we can't change the past. Heal and focus on the now and the future with a whole heart. And every now and than you'll feel sad about the past, but life is now 🧡
I am finally letting go (emotionally) of my family of origin. I am no longer trying to get a pat on the back, a loving smile, approval or appreciation from them. I am standing strong in my own value.
A loving smile is ALWAYS honest and every innocent being deserves peace and happiness! You did great for recognizing your worth and learn to love yourself!
Their rage is shocking, and it can be about the smallest and most insignificant thing imaginable. They're the worst individuals on the planet.
Now, you’re looking through my family photo album, Dr. C.
I think this is a really important topic. I am inclined towards the proposition that covert manifestations of narcissism are possibly underestimated in significance. Overt styles, being so blatant, seem to attract a lot more attention, but the more covert styles can be at least as, if not more, damaging, and can be damaging for longer. I also think covert styles may have a higher level of deliberateness, because it requires intention and planning to carry out the charade.
Yes - I find the covert subtype to be more difficult than the overt type in that, you can really gaslight yourself into thinking you’re just dealing with a “difficult“ person because so much of that ‘difficult-ness’ is experienced in a personal, one on one way. Whereas with the overt type, it’s how they move through all aspects of their life, so they can be easier to avoid at times, or commiserate about their awfulness with other people. Dealing with the covert type can really make you feel like you’re the one that’s crazy, and there can be a lot of shame associated with it and not wanting to talk about it since these people can be so cruel behind the scenes.
Agreed.
After leaving a narcissist one does develop a strange acceptance of what happened, given some time. When someone ask why your marriage failed you tend to say things like "She didn't love me; in fact she hated me, but it was nothing personal."
she hated me, but it was nothing personal." true, she hated everyone.
@@wisconsinfarmer4742 lol yeah its like Yeah at first i wondered why now i cant bother if she hates me or not 😂. Got rid of an malignant narcissist today it was a hassle
My dad is a CMN. I went no contact with him last year, but he started using my mom and brother to attack me energetically, I'm 26 right now, i went no contact with all of them a month ago. He would call me "fat" since i was a young girl instead of calling me by my name, and he would just stare at me and not say anything, while i would tell him about my emotions. then he would say that i am the one who is good with words so i should do all the talking. as if to indicate he is good at listening, but my dad would never hear me or listen. he had many affairs with lots of women while my mom had no idea. i am an empath and he used me a lot. i realize that he made every decision in my life until i was 23, and made me study economics instead of psychology so i wouldnt see his truth. he would tell me that i am troubling him and clinging onto him, and once when i pointed out some mistake that he made, he got triggered and said "What do you think, you are too great?!" He accused me of being a slut around the time he was sneakily having sex with other women, without my mom knowing. i was 12. he then accused me of being unable to make money so i would depend on him. he would make circular arguments with me when i was a child, and would quickly choose to attack my appearance, weight or any other thing he knew i was insecure about. he loves turning people against each other and is very happy when he sees other people suffering. he made me feel like i was not good enough for my weight, appearance, money making ablity, social skills, now i know this was to control me and have me depend on him completely. i know i am amazing, and there's nothing wrong with me now, but it's been a very difficult path as he took advantage of me as a little girl in every way he could. he had complete access to me and control, and was not accountable to anyone about what he did to me.
Remember, you're a witness to the behavior. And they know that. It makes them double down on you.
I've been married for 39 years to my wife, separated for 9 years and moved home 4 years ago to take care of her while going through health issues. I was never more emotionally healthy than while we were separated. I'm just now learning about the covert narcissist, and I am in bewilderment, shaking my head in shock as I realize I have been tolerating her crap all these years and can now put a label on it. I've got some decisions to make. I did a lot of healing while we were separated all those years, but now I'm having memories come from years in the past of bizarre things that have happened and am writing furiously and putting the puzzle together. I'm just in shock that it has taken me this long to figure it out. She had me believing all those years how flawed I was. I was separated for 9 years and know I can do it again.
You can do it, a wondeful world awaits!
Yes, you have decisions to make, and yes, you can do it. Stay strong. Dr. C
I particularly resonate with, ' I was never more emotionally healthy than while we were separated.'
This describes my mother. I always knew something was not right. It’s relieving to know it’s not me. I’m grieving the loss of someone who I thought really cared for me. But I was only supply. Sad to think someone can treat their own children this way.
Describes mine exactly too! 😣
Yeah. I remember like it was yesterday. She says, "I wish they weren't born" around my brother and I when we were children. We are not our own men with individual gifts. We are just doormats
@@ruckerbrady8342 Sorry to hear. Take good care with self-care and self-love. You are enough. ☀️☀️☀️
My mom too. Didn’t know. Makes complete sense now.
mine as well. i moved across the country 6 years ago and i’m still fighting to get her voice out of my head.
Dr C just described my youngest brother to a T! He was a narcissist for years and years and finally 6 years ago our relationship completely fell apart. Both our parents died and my brother turned into a very ugly person. I don’t know what happened inside of him but grieving has never looked so ugly. We had nothing to do with each other after 2015. Two years ago he reached out saying how sorry he was for “things” he’d done. Nothing specific like “I’m sorry I falsely accused you of . . . “ or “I’m sorry I called you vulgar names” or “I’m sorry I was completely uncooperative when . . . “ or “I’m sorry I treated your husband and children like dirt” etc etc etc. It’s a very long and accomplished list. No matter! I had forgiven him long ago, because I had to live with myself and couldn’t live with the hurt, confusion, anger, and resentment I had felt inside. Forgiveness removed all that. But I’m no fool, thanks to Dr C and being on team healthy. I’m a perfect gray rock. So proud of my gray rock skills😄! He’s my brother and I’ll always be respectful. It’s who I want to be. But I’ll also never ever trust him again and thus, gray rock empowers me and frees me. 🪨💪🏼 He texts me every few months. I respond and relish the vagueness with which I can respond. Usually, “Hi. We are all doing great. Kids are good. Life is good!” The end. It’s sad that our relationship has boiled down to just that. But I’m happy, healthy, and enjoying freedom from manipulation, degradation, confusion, and all the other crap a narcissist can throw at you. Love Dr C! ♥️
He outta marry my sister….!
How many times can you mention yourself, may need to look in the mirror
Wow! At least he apologized! My brother tried to also get back into our lives after kicking me 3 years ago. No apology just acted like nothing happened. Tried to give us something but we completely ignored him.
I’ve experienced covert narcissism where there is a heart connection involved. It’s highly manipulative and difficult to discern.
There is NO connection if the other person is not open for it which would make them epmathtic which is the total opposite of a narcissist Love is a 2 way road
Please talk about friendships as well as romantic relationships. i feel that this is often overlooked
And family! Narc kids!
It doesn't matter the relationship, they work the same way in all relationships. Coverts are coverts no matter who they are dealing with. It's a game to them.
I TOTALLY AGREE
They are everwhere. Most important is to recognize the traits and create distance to them and a healthy mindset dor yourself as much as possible.
Narcs don't have friends in the same sense that others do. Their "friendships" are superficial and transactional.
You described my ex-wife perfectly. Unfortunately, I had no idea such evil existed.
What I find amazing is that when you're being bullied by one of these people the first thing everybody tells you is to conform. Why don't you just move your bird feeders to the other side of the yard.. why don't you just try to ignore the obscene things he says.. I don't understand the enablers angles I don't understand when people stand there and tell you knuckle down just just cower do whatever the narcissist wants they don't want Justice they don't want you to live with dignity they just want peace and if a narcissist is eating you alive they're leaving them alone.
Enabler, great term.
I used to open up to people beyond a superficial level. However, I don't anymore. People will either blab your business to everyone they know or hit you in the face with it later. I'm not sure that's really a sign of a narcissist. It's a sign of a person who has been burned by others.
Same application of burn status can be made with the silent treatment. When I am in shock over what she has said I tend to go silent for days.
Dr. Carter, your videos have helped so much. I fled from the house under police protection last Friday as he threatened me with his gun. So much help from the police and neighbors,, and so much support from local family members who I'd kept my horrors privately from. They had seen glimpses of his behavior but didn't know the full extent.. This is my 3rd day of freedom. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the knowledge you gave me. I finally feel safe.
I'm sorry you went through that terrible ordeal. Good for you for getting out! I hope your situation is good now.
You're not out of the woods, no, you're in worse danger now. He had threatened your life, it's up to you to take that VERY SERIOUSLY. Look into the statistics of domestic violence homicides when target leaves. It's chilling. Please, follow all legal avenues for protection, but that type of hate doesn't follow rules, but do what you're advised legally do you can call for help, and keep your wits about you. Don't fall for the reboot, hoovering, sob stories, or love bombing. Stay safe, Ok? Been there. ❤
I had a covert malignant narcissist as my closest friend, for 18 years, she eroded my self-confidence, very subtly over that period of time, until I lost sight of who I really was, especially when I was around her, and believed that other people felt the same level of contempt and criticism of me. I am so happy now that I have got rid of that friendship and can see it for what it was.
Immediate no contact once you have deducted you are dealing with one of these freaks!
Knowing that this type of narcissist will not change (because when you care for someone you want to give him/her the benefit of the doubt that he/she can not really be that mean) will save one much time and heartache. When I was finally able to accept that another person’s behavior is a reflection on him/her and not on me or caused by me, it opened the door to healing and wholeness.
That's really the key. Their behaviour is never a reflection of who you are, but it says everything about them and their rottenness.
it took sixty years of narcissists to teach me that.
Hit the nail on the head with my so called mom. This is her in absolutely every cell of her being.
Yep,I have a mother like this too.
I have a father and a sister. They're horrible "people".
My covert malignant narcissist lied to me about having a low sperm count that was getting worse over time to try to pressure me into having a baby with him. I said no and he pressured me even more by insisting that all five of his previous girlfriends let him try to get them pregnant and I was the odd one out for not wanting the same thing as him. At first he tried to convince me of his low sperm count by saying he gets checked every six months and his brother has the same issue. Months later, he told me he meant he gets his blood checked every six months and he never mentioned anything about his brother and called me delusional. Then he had the audacity to say "even if I was lying, it doesn't effect you anyway." For over a year, he continued to insist that he was telling the truth, so I told him that if he wanted to continue our relationship, he would have to show me proof or admit he was lying. He chose neither. He chose to walk away from our relationship instead. These kinds of people have NO conscience.
he had to walk. no chance of winning. congrats.
My mother and sister both malignant covert narcs. They lied about how my father died. I found some paperwork that alerted me to the lie, but I will never really know what happened....only what did NOT happen (their lie). This has troubled me more than anything else they have done.
I have a strong feeling my narcissist mom verbally killed my dad too. His weak heart couldn't take it anymore. 😥😭 And her performance afterwards was amazing! 😠
Bingo! I've found it! This is my husband! He is passive in his anger so I had trouble tying him to other narcissistic traits, but not anymore. Thank you so much!
You just described my ex/father of my kids. He’s a covert malignant narcissist and he’s the most difficult person I’ve ever met. It’s weird too cause most people don’t see him as one unless they have the misfortune of getting closer to him. And he’s cruel, absolutely down right mean. I would say he’s a hateful and spiteful person.
Why did you have a relationship with that person?
@@CrummyVCR Why would you ask that?
@@nana820able Because its a question to make people think about their vetting process. If one gets in a situation where its clearly a bad place one should ask why that person was allowed into their lives in the 1st place.
@@CrummyVCR People outside the relationship have no idea who this person really is in private. They are masters at hiding their true selves. Marry one and it may be months or less until the real monster emerges. You've obviously not had any dealings with one or you'd know.
@@CrummyVCR bc she was love bombed and deceived
I've been away for a while trying to heal myself. 6 months No Contact. I just watched this and it brought so many chills rushing back. This video is the most descriptive collection of behavior traits of a true malignant narcissist. Anyone waivering on the fence of denial about leaving one or ending a relationship, should watch this, several times. Every single thing he said is accurate. Thank you so very much Dr. C. ❤️
You're welcome, Patty, and I wish you the best! Dr. C
You summed them up DR.Carter when you said "these are Humans in name only . Sadly all over the world there are people constantly trying to impress there Narcissist partner, believing if they try harder there partner will treat them better, of course there contempt and coldness to you only increases and they enjoy it immensely
I lost a new friend this weekend. We had taken a walk and were talking about current affairs. She brought up a topic and I did not agree, ( a well studied topic backed by 100 years of peer reviewed research). I firmly respect everyone’s right to be themselves. I have friends from all walks of life. I identify with no tribe. I may not agree with you but I put effort into choosing my words when voicing my thoughts so not to shame others. However, when my friend realized I did not agree with her she suddenly became very angry and tried to shut down the conversation by saying that talking about this was violating her boundaries ( she brought it up). Then she proceeded to have the last word and when I started to respond she cut me off and threatened the relationship. I am okay. I stayed calm. I thought it over...did I do something wrong? I felt awful for about 1/2 a day. Then came to my senses. I don’t want people like this in my social circle. I want to be able to discuss ideas, facts and points of view without the need for control and dominance. If one wants to bow out, I get that. But that’s not what she did.
Good idea to lose that friend Gertrude.
Thanks. Always appreciate the feedback.
Been in the same situation. Often think about it as I was trying to warn someone very gently as to the way the things were going. They got very angry and marched away saying something hurtful. What I said has come to pass years later, sadly.
@@gertrudewest4535 You are welcome.As we reject situations/people that are not good for us, we clear a space for those that are.
interesting that she accuses you of violating her boundaries. Suspect that she has been accused of violating boundaries several times and wanted to use it to try to make someone else feel as bad as she.
Knowledge is what protects us. This is a great video. I've known three of these. One is deceased, one I never see anymore, and one is still in my life
Say one thing wrong, wait a day or two…. Something of yours will mysteriously be broken…. Then he will step forward to fix it and be your hero. Evil behind closed doors. They hv hidden rage!!!!
After awhile...you'll get sick of this.
Yep, minus the hero part. Make a mildly critical remark, and a day or two later he comes completely unhinged about some non-issue, berating you in front of your kids.
That’s how they all operate, especially those who have antisocial personality disorder added to the narcissism. They will ruin you or something and later show up like the hero to fix what they broke in the first place.
'They are humans in name only' That says it all! This knowledge is priceless, thank you!
Please do more vids on malignant narcs and psychopaths! There is no good content on it on youtube.
This is my father exactly and I finally walked away at 60. Wish had left that relationship decades ago.
I completely relate to this. My final straw only came when my father was overtly cruel to my mother when she suffered from dementia in her 80s. I was in my late 50s at the time. We can’t blame ourselves-Narcissism exists because it is effective, especially against empaths. Let’s try to be proud that we now see reality and can be kind to ourselves! Sending good wishes your way!
This describes my mother perfectly.
Same here nasty
Dr. C I've so often said over these 15 years that I really don't think she even sees me as a human being. Knowing SHE doesn't see herself as a human helps to understand. The transactional nature of our 15 year relationship is just astounding. Hoping to use this in our divorce and walk away with ANYTHING.
This describes the people that I have been surrounded with to a T.And it wasn't by choice either.I spent 5 months at 3 different mental hospitals literally fighting for my life(and daring anyone to end it.As I've made it clear to a number of people over the last two years, there's no one more dangerous than a man with everything to gain...and nothing to lose!)I finally escaped these people very recently,and I finally feel,at the very least,at peace with myself.I now try to have as little interaction with these people as possible,and I think it's for the best that it remain that way. These people cannot be helped, because that is just who they are.It isn't my(or anyone else's) forgiveness that these people need,It's God's.And even God's forgiveness has limits.
Happy hunting for your place of peace, you will find it, I did.
I have a problem with this my N husband flips back and forth. It hard to tell if he a malignant narcissist. He evil and has no empathy at all so I can’t wait for this one .
It's pretty awful... I loved a pretend person, and I don't like his real self.
Do you think he may instead be a sociopath, or a sociopathic narcissistic, perhaps?
I also would appreciate hearing more about friendships (and even roommates!) as we cannot find that much information about these types of relationships out there. Thank you and looking forward!
It doesn't matter the relationship, the coverts work the same in all situations.
@@shelley7975 This was my thinking exactly. The one I knew for many years was a “friend” and yes, he checks all ten boxes.
Its all the same!
@@goldilocks3593 I have a neighbor like that. I thought she was my friend, but I found out otherwise. She only came around when she needed something. Her car broke down last week and she showed up to my door asking for a ride to get her car. I said no, I can't do it right now. Maybe tomorrow. I haven't heard from her since, and I don't care if I ever hear from her again. I'm over people that treat me like a convenience.
All you are is a soundboard for their hatred. And if you disagree with them in anyway to them you’re a piece of dung and you might as well die. I have extensive experience with these kinds of people, get out while you still can…
Sometimes in my healing journey I learn about trauma responses and start to soften my view of the abuse I received from a friend thinking maybe I should be more compassionate. Then I watch a video like this and I snap back to the reality that it’s NOT just a trauma response to abuse your friends. It’s narcissism. I am reminded of the contempt and the cruelty and the lies and manipulation. Thank you for your content. It’s important to be kind and generous to others who may also be healing from trauma, but some people really are just narcissistic and it’s a setback to rewrite what you know is wrong as somehow being alright. You really know your stuff and I needed to hear this today.
I think it is ok to have compassion and understanding that these people are so severely wounded that they are disordered. But, the key is to not allow that compassion to enter into the way we interact with these people. If we act with the compassion, then they only use it against us. It is a very heard thing to manage, but it can be done. And yes, you are correct, having frequent reminders that acting from compassion will only hurt us is a really good thing- and likely what keeps me watching these videos. Even knowing fully that any compassion I show will be a tool for them, I need constant reminders that it is ok to be a grey rock.
I was married to a malignant covert narcissist husband for 14 years. His mother was also the same type. It was like an hell...
It absolutely is hell because you're dealing with satan in the flesh. It's horrific spiritual torture.
@@Gods_child721 Absolutely, a horrific spiritual torture 👍
@@shiny7301 Blessings and healing to you. I'm also healing and now I have peace.
@@Gods_child721 Thank you so much, you're so kind🌹God bless you and help you 🙏🏻
Thank you for this very clear description they do not address you by name or any kind of endearment say please or thank you do not compliment you unless others do. Just watch for indicators, whether love interest or any other relationship keep them out of the front garden of your life and the garden gate closed.
They will not change. We must be cunning as the serpent yet innocent as a dove.
Thanks for the reminder. I have this hopeful side of me that wants to think they have changed. It is not worth the risk knowing how they used, abused, and nearly destroyed me before.
I appreciate your "tough love"...fighting back tears right now. How many tears can one cry.
Buckets of them to be honest. Let them out🧡
They do end. I found that when a jag of crying was winding down, I could ask spirit for resolution. I no longer cry over the past. This happens as you get strong. Now I am grateful for this lesson that will last for eternity.
I am SO grateful to hear this. His flying monkeys have covered for him saying he is "just" secretative until I sent one of your videos and suggested to them to recognize enabling. That secretativeness I now understand as deep shame. Many thanks. The cynism and pessmissm takes my breath away. They do not appreciate those they dominate. No middle ground. So glad I can now hear your straight words.
I believe the flying monkeys is taken from the wizard of oz, all of them nodding in agreement with the wicked witch, hilarious ! We are fortunate to have Dr Carter helping us heal from the years of cruelty and abuse. Knowing we are not alone in this is comfort. You are correct, they don't appreciate having a good person around.
My mother in law for sure is one of his flying monkies enabling him to do whatever he wants without my full consent.
Sounds a lot like Psychopathy II to me 🤷🏼♀️ I was married to one. Don’t know which one he is but it doesn’t matter. The destruction is the same.
Sounds like it because it is. Dr. C
Nikkic83,agree I know a few that are covert/Milignant/psychopathy/sociopath,Run!!!,never look back.
The description of the covert malignant narcissist in this video is actually a nice person compared to my husband. In our 20+ years of marriage, he has starved me multiple times, given me food poisoning, slammed the car door on my hand and looked at me like "why are you blaming me?", isolated me from my friends and family, spread rumors about me at church so he can look like the saint, preyed on women whose husbands don't go to church(lust in the name of ministry), threatened suicide with violent physical display...while he was a church deacon, teaching Bible studies for years. Now I can put a name to what it is, I can leave this marriage with peace in my heart.
Nailed it again, Dr. C. Every time my self esteem begins to wobble I come here and listen to a video or two - so that I am reminded of how my family has undermined me every chance they had. And that, at 67, I am still better off without them.
They want to pull you into their alternate reality...don't let that happen!! Dr.C
I heard someone close to me say they don’t remember being angry in the last 10 years or more, then I started to see other patterns that lead only to the most logical conclusion including many, but not all, characteristics mentioned by Doc C. How can someone not be angry about anything ever? Not hang on to it but .. really? .. the passivity when angry is what I see in them but it emerges thru other behaviors .. I saw this clearly about 8 months ago .. .. it feels very strange and uncomfortable to see this person for what they really are and observing the very controlling and manipulative behavior … now I know why they don’t have any real friends but a ton of superficial ones
I had a boss exactly like this and he was and is truly dangerous. Must be avoided at all cost.
roger king,You deserves better man 🙏
Yes!! You hv to agree w him every time!! Flies off the handle!
Save some money girl!
I know how it is. I never said one word to either of my parents because they were both like that. I felt like I was living in a communist country.
All I'm saying is I've never seen my sister and Satan in the same room. 😐
Thanks Lesley! This comment made me laugh out loud! 😂
😆 After 50 years of being raised to comply (I used to be nice & quiet) I saw true evil 5 years, 8 months, and 10 days ago. (Countdown app) I changed the names in my contact lists to Satan and Satan's Helper, blocked both and went no contact. Life is peaceful now. The only thing to navigate now is other flying monkeys. I wish for others to find the same peace I have. ✌️
Clever
@Deb M That's pretty scary. Start hiding money!
Love it. I was calling my sister demonic Donna for awhile. I think my parents were Satan and his alter.
You've described my narcissistic parents perfectly. Cold, condescending, their way or no way. They're bullies and get disgusted and mocking when not agreed with (behind closed doors/in public they're on their best behavior). They couldn't care less about me or my life. My opinions don't matter to them..ever. Mom always surrounded herself, very compulsively, with minions/followers. They love people they can use and get compliments from. Therapists always told me it was in my best interest to stay away from them..from a very young age. My current therapist was extremely relieved when I let them go for good. They, to me, were demonic in the end. Seriously terrifying because they didn't care about boundaries whatsoever and were determined to force me to be their servant. Nope. I always said no but they didn't care or hear me. My life is infinitely better without them now. I never expected this but it happened. I had to basically let go for not only my mental but physical health. Toxicity is an understatement..they were destroying me..but not now..life is peaceful and good. I have a lot of healing to do because of a lifetime of damage but I'm ok and working hard to make a good life..as I have all these years, with no help other than therapy (which truly saved me).
They're like a stuck record when you're trying to reach a mutual understanding about something you don't agree about, immoveable and impervious to logic. They just aren't interested in anything you say, because they literally think you're crazy for not seeing it their way.
Spot on.
They will even weaponize their vulnerability. Wow these people are amazing.
Thanks Doc...been married to one for 13 years and everything you said is exactly like that but 100 times worse. Managed to finally escape and I am entitled to nothing of my personal belongings. He has destroyed our house and himself in the process of wanting to annihilate me. And he thinks this kind of behavior is gonna make me come back!!!! 🤣. When I see him I'm. The bad one. I abandoned him! Go figure!
My son does the same thing. Froze me out three years ago and cusses me every day because I haven't yet come crawling back. Heard that through a third party, of course. Hang in there, Becca.
Same here. Had anyone experienced their Narc progressing to this stage? mine was nicer when he was 30 but as he got older, he got meaner and more rigid as more negative experience s came his way, due to his behavior.he used to be at least tolerable but now, it's pretty bad. Also grandiosity is increasing dramatically. Has anyone seen this? The progression? Is that common?
@@rusinhouston yes. Mine has gone totally psychotic. He has done things only God can forgive. It was where the good times lasted until you almost forgot the bad. Now he is just plain evil. He also has serious health issues that have made him demented but he won't believe it. It's bad and getting worse. I am no longer safe . I can't help him and all he wants is to destroy me. He's obsessed with it. I'm lost as to getting any help for him but I am doing me. Stay strong and safe.
My brother is worse too! Unbelievable! I made the mistake of texting him of an elderly woman we have known since childhood is on hospice and if he wanted to see her before she goes. He thought I was talking about our mom and said horrible things not related to my statement. No, he hasn't soften up, he's delusional and worse. Never ever going to contact him again about anything EVER! He's worse at age 57!
@@rusinhouston yes. Vascular dementia w/ behavioral disturbances is what they call it. I'm supposed to understand it isn't his fault but the sickness. If he abuses me it's no longer his fault. Bull...abuse is abuse but now he knows he can get away with it and no one will do anything about it. He can appear just fine to others. But with me me a mortal enemy and he enjoys every minute of it. It's insanety at its best. It's enabling at its finest. I'm truly deemed the official bad guy.
My guess is that with a covert malugnant narcisssist you see a showy DISPLAY of caring, devotion, and humility - quiet qualities that the person comes on with too conspicuously.Then, they find some way to put you in an awkward position and claim you owe them, or else.
My thoughts exactly!
Absolutely true! I don't like their display of goodness, there's some suspicious 'sacredness' around them, as if they were untouchable and above everyone else. It's too loud, too much. Especially when they are religious and/or communal narcissists. When I see this, I feel that they try to advertise their goodness and this is the point when I know who they are.
Oh my goodness....So you have met my husband🤯. It's worse than cancer
Yes when people say just run away, listen to them. Cause they make sure to punish you and play the biggest victim in the world when we tell them that you will be making sure the entire world learns who they are and what they did to you...like catching your house on fire and letting pets die mysteriously.
After 24 years of wondering what actually happened to my marriage I now understand who he is, and why he did the things he did. I feel bad for his wife.
Unfortunate lots of my family members are like that,I had to put permanent no contact with them,in order for me to have peace of mind!!
As I listened to each point Dr. Carter was making one particular figure came to mind- Stalin... He fits each and every one of the points. The consequences for the humanity and the country were catastrophic as a result of that thing (I can't call him a person) being in charge and is a very compelling evidence of the scale of damage narcissists potentially carry within themselves.
Nearly every raving or tyrannical leader is almost guaranteed some type of narcissist. I’ve realized that.
Thanks for this video...I have just woken up recently to find that my sister matches this senario of what a covert malignant narcissist is like. I have distanced myself from her almost completely.....we arestill linked by our dying mother but once mumis gone I will cut ties completely with her. I am more at peace now that I am distanced from her attempts to control my life at her whim.
Each and every one of these applies to my ex wife…100%. I only wish I had taken action on the signs early on. My gut reaction some 40 years ago was correct.
40 yrs ago there wasn't enough research compiled about these people. Really the various subtypes of npd have been researched and published over the past 20 yrs. And now we're fortunate to have this data because of the internet.
I was fifty-nine when my introduction to N as a Pdisorder came to me with an online article, "Here are some questions to consider if you’re wondering if you’re married to or dating an abusive crazy bitch:" I don't know the article is still out there, but I copied it and sent it to myself back then. And then I enrolled in PTSD therapy. EMDR, Brain Spotting, and EFT.
Yes, this is rough and tough to wrap one's brain around.
My experience with one has been very exhausting. They’re so mean and despicable, it defies normal logic. If you try to apply logic to their behavior, you will realize that you’re beating your head on concrete! You’ll only get a headache!