7 Signs of Avoidant Personality Disorder
Learn more about avoidant personality disorder: my.medcircle.com/3qjns1y
Licensed clinical psychologist, Dr. Ramani Durvasula, and MedCircle host, Kyle Kittleson, discuss the seven traits a clinician uses to diagnose Avoidant Personality Disorder, also known as, APD and how to identify them.
Topics:
At what age is someone typically diagnosed with APD?
What are the 7 traits of avoidant personality disorder?
How many of these symptoms must someone meet to be diagnosed?
What does the actual process of getting diagnosed look like? How “shouldn’t” that process look?
What are the most common misdiagnoses?
How can I make sure that misdiagnosis doesn’t happen?
#PersonalityDisorder #MedCircle #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #psychology
Watch the rest of our full video series on avoidant personality disorder: bit.ly/2DDY51X
Good
@@alexvidu4517 why is it that googling this just resulted you posting this comment on many different websites and all of them showing up but nothing of that actual thing?
How can we be client's of Dr Ramani?
instaBlaster
@@leahcoruscate Did you see the other ones ? 😂 There is as well Millawdon good by grey hair trick and Millawdon fatty liver trick. I think that's the trick, they get people to google! 😄
I must imagine when you have this condition, you don't get to live life - you watch everyone else live their life but you don't get to participate - you only get to observe.
That pretty much describes my family growing up or at least how I perceived it. I have or have had some of the criteria she described. Some fears I have been able to overcome, others have been lessened.
This is exactly how I feel and loved ones are fed up with me not "getting on with life"..I cannot begin to explain how debilitating this is
@@Ashley-qi7yq Thank you. In my 70's now this is me 100% wow wish I heard this. 50 yrs ago
I'm quite happy to observe actually. It feels more to me that other ppl have a bigger problem with this than us who are the observers
@@Ashley-qi7yq So true, would love a therapist like this
I have AvPD and it basically feels like I have been in quarantine and social distancing my entire life.
I don't have any problem with being in quarantine. I prefer it.
Can identify.
Absolutely 👌
Yup! Got my diagnosis end of last year. My new years goal was to give myself exposure therapy by going out, being more social and hug my friends more. Yet here we are.
yes me too , I say quarantine has not change anything for me, this has been my life...I only fee lsafe only when I;m home
“They miss a lot of opportunities and because of that it keeps reinforcing their identity as being socially inept” this one hit me!
Ditto
Saaame here
And this brings depression from fomo lol
When I was 16 I was taking Zoloft, and gone were the feelings of inadequacy. But I stopped taking it because I thought I was supposed to be like that. It made me feel really conflicted. Now I'm 21 and reading this... I might give it another try.
It made me tear up a bit lol
"They miss so much of life, ...they look at it longingly" That part was so completely relatable, (the entire video really) it literally made me tear up
I am 38 and I have apd, (I can go years and not responding to messages and emails, even work related stuff, at its worst I put chats in the archive so I don't have to see people i have to answer to, especially if they caused me distress, it is like living in a cave in the mountains). I can tell you that, yes, you long for life still you avoid it. It is absolutely absurd. I often lose myself in endless fantasies about how would it feel to have a loving partner, and travelling with him, having children.. still, life is desert.
Same. 38 and a hermit, no one to lean on but my own self-mastery. Guess that's what's called growth pains. Sink or swim. Dig deep instead of having crutches. People are fickle and can't be expected to be reliable. Independence is mastery.
Same here 😢 30 and so fed up of feeling this way....!
Not only that, but I regret all the things I do because of shame, and I regret all the things I don't do as well because I'm a self perceived pussy
This is it for me. I feel like I want and even need so many things that I am so afraid of, that I just can't do or that leave me so drained. Constantly battling and belittling myself. How do you deal with that? How do you cope?
I have AvPD and have pretty much lived a hermit life all my life. I didn’t really notice it until the pandemic when people began complaining about social isolation and I thought everything felt normal, or peaceful really.
😂.... That's hilarious. Makes perfect sense.
I feel the same actually, ha ha. I've not been diagnosed with this, however.
I felt That the social distancing regarding the pandemic was just another Day in the life for me
I felt the same. I really felt peaceful.
If you are happy enough living your life a certain way then don’t let anyone feel that you’re not “normal “. Some people prefer their own company and I think that’s fine. Everyone is different. It’s only really a problem when it’s affecting your life negatively. If you’re happy the way you are then it’s not an issue & never let anyone tell you it is
I wish this disorder was taken more seriously. I have it and it has absolutely destroyed my life. I have almost no meaningful relationships and my fear of criticism has made it impossible for me to hold a job. I've missed out on so many opportunities because I'm so scared of embarrassing myself. All of my romantic relationships follow the same path: go great in the beginning (honeymoon phase- no doubts) and then as soon as that starts to wear off, the insecurity kicks in and I start to distance myself (especially physically) until the relationship falls apart. I have carried absolutely no friends from childhood and struggle so bad to make new friends because I assume everyone thinks I'm a weirdo or a loser. I felt so socially awkward and inept (despite those close to me disagreeing) that I was totally convinced I was autistic until I was introduced to AvPD. And I have had a pervasive fear of trying new things in front of others since early early childhood. I've always been aware of this in myself - to the point that I went to only 1 gas station for the first 4 years of having my license because I was afraid of not being able to "figure out" a different type of gas pump and looking like an idiot. AvPD is also often linked to substance use disorder, and I also have issues with overusing marijuana and overeating. It's so complex.
I relate to this so hard, like every single sentence applies to my life. I feel for you I know how hard it isss🥺🥺💕
exercise
Thank you for sharing. You are not alone. Many millions also feel exactly the same way or can deeply relate to some or most of what you expressed. You have no idea how many others you have helped❤️
@@Verifraudreports Lol, the answer we've all been looking for thank you Jeff 😍
i too have this disorder. I've been trying acid. microdose little bits, it works wonders for me, the best way to describe it, it is just like Felix Felicis, the liquid luck from Harry Potter. you just feel amazing. but then you run out, but if you can use it as crutches until you find a routine that works for you, you'll be fine, you could always be the quiet genius because if you are, people will seek you out.. also you should stop smoking Marijuana that shit is only good for people who have ADHD and men named Woody. you're basically smoking anxiety that's green and taste like crap. get out of there man
Some of us are molded into having this disorder when you are born into a toxic and HIGHLY critical family. I’m the youngest of five and NOTHING I do is enough in the eyes of my siblings. I therefore isolate myself to the point I’ve become agoraphobic. The pandemic made me feel relief and made me feel normal because EVERYONE had to stay home. It’s so incredibly debilitating.
@@kdjnhdojgdjjdhrge7824 Read Mark chapter 16:1-20. Ask yourself this question. Do you believe what it says? These signs will follow those who believe!
@@kdjnhdojgdjjdhrge7824 was that something about religion? I believe it helps a lot of people. I'm not a big fan of it, but I just have to admit that I've seen a lot of people going that way and they've obtained some sort of rigidity in their life and it became easier. So let them decide. Because personally I don't believe this can be cured in any way at all. You just can be aware of it to make things easier, but it will never go away.
same I've literally never felt like i was enough for anyone, so there are many days where i have to fight not to give up on my self and my life
@@dog90000 Encounter Ministries KZhead channel. (Mark Hemans )\
I'm youngest of 7 and everything I did was dismissed, criticised, or laughed at so I stopped trying.... It has continued on and my life is a long list of missed opportunities I wonder who I could have been if I had been made feel more confident as a child 😢💔
I'm only 26 but I always wonder how much I would've already achieved in my life if I wouldn't have AvPD. The intense fear of rejection has total control over my life.
If God be for you who can be against you"? It doesn't matter if they reject you He never will! Just lose the fear and press on. He will help you dissolve the fear with His love!
@@denisehoffman2817”just lose the fear” you need to shut up now. I will continue to believe in God and ignore your nonsense.
He doesn't care if you did any of those things as long as you tell Him you're sorry and really try to go better. He just wants to knoe
Ever tried Emotional Freedom Technique tapping?
Im 26 too and feel the same
Does anyone else desperately want Dr. Ramani as their therapist? I could be normal by now.
Have you seen her price per session? 😂💸💸💸
@@lemonade9503 yes omg. I'm guessing she would only treat an exclusive clientele.
Cc yes 😂 mental illness is an expensive disorder 🤷🏻♀️ no matter how common it is...
@@lemonade9503 how much is it?
Prashanth reddy $500 per hour. Also her sliding scale patients are full and she is only taking people for issues that can be completed in 1-3 sessions. Best bet is to find someone who specializes in this area of psychology that takes your insurance. Also because of Covid now is a good time to start therapy because many insurance companies are covering virtual sessions at 100 percent so if they are in network you could start without paying anything
I think this happens to people who have critical people in their life as children. They are constantly getting ridiculed or corrected for their behavior by people who are family or (supposedly) friends.
Yeah, and people who gaslight them. Finding the security within yourself to actually say no to needing their acceptance is a big step. When you deeply believe in yourself you can resist manipulators more successfully.
During childhood, I had a sister who beat the shit out of me for every and anything I do.
@@sinan_islam shit that’s not right. I don’t understand how people can be so evil. Sending hugs 🤗
@@prod.murmur Thanks dear!
This comment hit home for sure
I love how she talks about it like it's not a disorder. Instead, speaks with sympathy, empathy, & compassion.
That's because the idea that it's a "disorder" is kind of arbitrary in the first place
@@abcdefzhij Encounter Ministries KZhead channel. (Mark Hemans)=
@@ronniebattle1310 what
@@abcdefzhij Read Mark chapter 16:1-20. Ask yourself this question. Do you believe what it says? These signs will follow those who believe!
@@ronniebattle1310expllain what you mean plz.
I grew up with parents who were very critical, very demanding, rediculed me in public, and never never accepted me the way I was as a child. In fact I have two sisters who also have AVPD. All of us are fairly intelligent, and artistically gifted, but never ever used our potential, because, all of us were always critisized and named " dumb", " no good", " never as good as X, Y, Z... " by our own parents. I always feel bad about it. Iam 60.
Sounds like your parents were Narcissists to me.
Sums up my whole life too except it was my father who would be like that and still is. I am very avoidant of my own father.
On the internet it says that 1% of the population has APD. But counselling is a social interaction too. I bet there are many people out there that dont seek out or AVOID counselling because of their fears......
i think i have it but i'm scared of asking my mom to let me go to a therapy because i don't want her to think she did something wrong to make me like this 🙃
@@beccanicole5439 I have cptsd, and that sounds a lot like that, you grow up being the "adult" in the family, when in reality you don't know how to adult because your parents were such bad role models. let me be very blunt -- you are not the parent, your mom is, and part of her job she failed so miserably at is why you are the way you are, stop parenting your mom and think about yourself for once.
gisforgary yeah true
gisforgary it's like i have problems going to sleep, i don't eat, i can't talk in front of a lot of people, i can't correct it criticizes people, i don't ask people things, like i can't ask for a candy bar at the store, and if i'm with my dad and want to go home i can't ask him i have to have my older sister do it because the thought of telling them something or asking for something physically makes me nauseous and sick to my stomach
@@beccanicole5439 i am really not sure where they look for differences between avoidant and cptsd, and of course you could be both. You don't have to be specific with your parents, or maybe you could ask your primary care next time you are there. if you are in school ask someone there, if you are in college most colleges have programs for students. the problem is you are just cruising on coping skills, you have learned to patch things together to get by and not make waves, if you are avoiding trauma recall, like your parents yelling at you for something, that is totally cptsd.
Therapist just told me about APD and I completely agree with her. Was wondering why the quarantine was such an effortless transition for me lol
I was thinking the exact same thing. I've spent so many birthdays and holidays alone I just looked around and said "I can self-isolate!"
I have a schizoid pd and have thought exactly the same. Quarantine - what's the big deal?
Haha same 😂 had the best time during lockdown.
Everybody else was crying because of the lockdown when I got laid off, but I was so fucking happy. Man Lmaoo 😂
For real! Quarantine didn’t change my life AT ALL
I have suffered because of this disorder my entire life. I was labeled as being shy, weird, strange, conceited and the like. Whether at School or on a job I always performed at my highest level to avoid confrontations. Often others took credit for my accomplishments while I stood by and remained silent. While in a public setting I always take the aisle seat for easy escape and to avoid feeling suffocated. I hated being stared at because I knew all of my flaws were being judged. Some people thought that I could not speak because I seldom talked and did not respond even when being spoken to directly. It was not until 2009 after being embarassed and humiliated by workplace bullies that I sought help because I was suicidal. After almost 10 years of intense therapy I was diagnosed with depression and I knew the Doctor was wrong. I feel he made his decision solely to prevent me from receiving disability and not for my well being. After a lot of research I realized and self diagnosed myself with this horrible disorder. I want so badly to interact with people and enjoy life because I get so lonely, but even when I am invited to functions 95% of the time I make an excuse and decline. The reason being after socializing I come home and replay my actions over and over in my mind. Did I say the wrong thing, Did I look okay, somebody hurt my feelings and so on. I could write a book and I would if it meant helping someone.
Oh my God, I do that too. Replaying things in my head after each and every social interaction is my specialty and I hate it because I always find something that makes me uneasy. Usually, I notice a toxic behaviour coming from the people I was with and beat myself up because I couldn't stand up for myself or I didn't even notice the toxicity of their behaviour. It's so hard to manage 😪
Aww. I found that the way to get around the critical self analysis is to remind yourself that those you had interactions with have moved on with their lives and not even giving a second thought to the things you're worried about. So save your energy. Besides even if you goofed up, who hasn't? Allow yourself to make mistakes. That's being human. Plenty of air hugs to you my dear.
@@mamad5686 Thank you for your input and advice. I haven't even practiced it yet; just reading it has helped!
@@mamad5686 this has never helped me but maybe this will help someone else.
@@mamad5686 I really admire the positive outlook but for some like myself, thinking over things that may not hold much significance to others yet mean something to me makes me feel worse. I constantly berate myself for overanalysing every social interaction and the fact that I can’t be apathetic like others bothers me. I used to think of it as a perfectionism quirk but I’m sure its a symptom of AvDP. I dont think it’s as simple as saying to not worry because others arent, I think it would be more helpful to reframe those thoughts to ones that will have less of a negative impact emotionally.
I have this disorder. I think I developed it because of my siblings and parents bullying during my childhood. They made it their mission to put me down, humiliate me and isolate me. They're own human punching bag. I'm older and working hard to break out these patterns. My family doesn't seem to like it and are angry that I've started speaking up and putting them in their place lol.
The progression of every hero. Keep up the good work, I know how it feels. Not the exact same thing for me, but similar. It feels good learning to spread your toes. Like a breath of fresh air.
Encounter Ministries KZhead channel. (Mark Hemans)*
Good for you, for standing up for yourself!👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Relatable! People who are mean or abusive usually don't acknowledge their poor behaviour when you confront them (research DARVO for examples)
@@nattie911Encounter Ministries KZhead channel. (Mark Hemans)
I thought I had social anxiety, but my therapist said APD/C-PTSD. I've self-isolated my entire life. Locked myself in my childhood bedroom, then the school dorm room, and now my own apartment. Worst part is no one really knows since I have zero social connections. When you're an adult without friends, there's nobody to know. You go completely unnoticed. I'd be the 80 year old on the news who died and was left to rot in their apartment for several years before the neighbors finally caught the smell. Might as well go out with some dignity before that happens...
We need you here on this Earth. You are special, beautiful, and unique with gifts only you have, because you're you. I'm sending you so much love. Keep hanging on. Life often changes in an instant, and you'll be looking back proud of how far you've come.
Noooo man, I get you though I'm the same. But trying an activity really helps, like, get class about something you like dancing, singing whatever. I only go out once a week to see my singing tutor. I pray you get the courage to try something new. And even though it feels like you are alone, God loves you and I do too!
I often muse over the similar. As morbid and depressing as it sounds.
You are not alone
@@carlinsmith4631 don't do that. Just be genuine. Don't be fake.
This can be the result of being humiliated by bullying by a narcissistic sibling or parent. A perfectly normal child being destroyed since 2-3 years old. I have seen it happening.
Yup my brother
Yeah I was quite surprised to hear that a sibling can do this, I thought everyone had a bigger brother who used to mock them
I agree ..it was like this cuz of my narcissistic parent n siblings who completely broke my self confidence .later on I worked on it ..now i mix with ppl but still I dont have any interest to meet ppl in gathering..now i find those waste of time..
Yeah😔
@@CJ-jq4lv come on, hold your head up high 😘
I've never heard of this disorder but she just explained me PERFECTLY.....It has crippled me my whole life, when I was younger in my school years I only had like one friend and it was because our mothers were friends too, I was so quiet some of the other kids actually thought I was a mute, I wouldn't do any assignments that required presentations, I would sit alone at lunch and never eat in front of ppl and ended up just hiding in the bathroom during lunchtime. I've had jobs were customers would complain to managers about me thinking I was being rude or whatever just because I was quiet or peoples first impressions of me was that I was "stuck up" or had a think I was better than someone attitude. I've had addiction issues i liked using because it made me less afraid to talk n be around people. I've had alot of people that I thought were friends but they were just using me because I had a car n they didn't. I procrastinate on everything dwelling on doing things I know I have to when most of the time it wasn't that bad and I was making it more difficult than it was. Even now have no social media presence besides watching KZhead, the ppl taking selfies and putting them on the internet is INSANE to me I dnt understand it. And alot of times I even avoided family gatherings/events. The few romantic relationships I've had always started with him having to call me never the other way I would feel like I didnt want to bother the other person. It's just been horrible dealing with it and ppl always saying I'm just shy n need to get over it but it feels deeper n its VERY REAL TO ME.
Many of the traits you mention is also true of introverts and HSPs. I have those traits as well, but I was also married to an AvPD and while similar, my spouse was a whole other level beyond. Although i prefer solitude, it's not debilitating and I can be with people in groups... just not all the time. It's when any interaction with people becomes impossible or you do anything to avoid it and it becomes debilitating that AvPD appears to be the diagnosis. In a world full of extroverts and narcs, the typical response is "just get over it". Yeah? Fk that. Get over themselves and their overblown sense of importance and keep their toxicity away from us. Just saying.
The more I read the comments here... the more I realize I'm a mixture of things... although Avoidant Personality Disorder is what affects me the most.
It's me too, my whole life, but I had no idea until a couple of years ago when I stumbled upon this on KZhead. I have always known that I'm not like everyone else, not good enough, a fraud. It explains everything about my childhood, in school, and with my siblings. I've also had people tell me they thought I was stuck up when they first met me. It hasn't been intentional, but looking back at it after so many years, 3 or 4 years is the longest I have had any job in my life because that's about the length of time it takes for people to get to know me somewhat and then I have to run because they've seen my true, so inadequate self. Truly, my whole life. It's good to know though that it's an actual thing and I'm not the only one.
my symtoms and experiance almost exactly
I can definitely relate to your descriptions, you are definitely not alone. Wish there was some kind of way out, I hate the feeling of projecting these things on others and making them feel responsible
I got diagonosed with it today and came here to know more about it. What a mysterious world we live in. Takes half of your life to even know yourself and sometimes you don't even realise you need to know...argghhh
Yes, but once you do know and begin to understand yourself, that can be so amazing
The 7 Traits of Avoidant Personality Disorder 1) 3:54 - Avoid occupational activities that have a lot of inter personal interaction because they're afraid of screwing up, or looking foolish, or criticism. 2) 4:34 - They're not willing to get involved with people unless they're sure they'll be accepted - hence they're not likely to enter into close personal relationships. 3) 5:37 People with this pattern also show restraint or hold back within intimate relationships because they're afraid they'll be shamed or ridiculed by their partner. Perceived as aloof/cold/distant/overly shy, but they're doing that because of their fear of being rejected. 4) 6:19 They're preoccupied of being criticized in social situations. They won't offer their opinion due to 5) 6:53 They feel inhibited when they are in a new inter personal relationship because they feel inadequate. Because they feel so inadequate, so less than, they very much hold back. 6) 7:50 They judge themselves, they consider themselves to be socially inept and less socially skilled than other people. "Don't ask me, Don't have me talk to them, I'm the wrong person". They'll always assume everybody is more socially skilled, and in many ways that is a cognitive distortion but it feel very very real to them. 7) 8:34 They are very reluctant to take any kind of risk, to try something new, especially in front of other people because they're afraid they'll embarrass themselves. They will never do karaoke, or jump up on stage, be a volunteer, or step up at their brother's wedding because they're so afraid of embarrassing themselves. Because they'll never take any risk, they miss a lot of life. They miss so much life, and they look at it almost longingly. But because they're afraid of embarrassed, they won't try something new. They miss so much opportunity for growth, curiosity, meeting new people, advancement at work but that fear of embarrassment overrides all of that sort of wanting to do it.
thank you immensely
Doing God's work.
Me in a nutshell.
This is me to a tee 100% every one of those points. But that's what I perceive is my 'social anxiety' , or maybe that's the wrong label now? Very confused ?!
@@lucialuciferion6720 yea i’m confused how this is different than living with anxiety
… I haven’t been diagnosed with a personality disorder - I’m too afraid to go to a therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist because I’m embarrassed that there’s not something “enough” wrong with me to justify wasting their time. I feel seen by this video.
Omfgggg this is exactly how I feel
Yeah it almost feels like you’re manipulating yourself not to go. I have that feeling of “I’m just faking it”. Because we compare ourselves to others who have worse mental health difficulties.
@@REChronic54 that's true
@@itsnotmeitsyou717 but it's wrong .A man can drown in both 7m deep water and 20 m deep water .There's a saying
Saying you can't be sad because other people have it worse, is like saying you can't be happy because other people have it better
I know self-diagnosis is a risk, but this is me to a T. My mother was disgusted and embarrassed by my introverted personality and my physical deformities as a child, and for most of my life the shame of these things dominated my life. I’m 67 now and have always been very socially isolated, but I’m at the end of my life and there doesn’t seem much point in fixing it. Watching all the videos - they just make me cry.
Sending you positive vibes and a virtual hug. I have this and im 31 im trying to break generational curses and overcome my social anxiety by starting a business that i know will be successful. For me its like trying to force myself to break through a glass ceiling. I know i can change my life but im so fearful because i am struggling with this.
I'm 50, and feel exactly the same.
@Brianna Jenell When young ppl tell older ppl "its not too late," it's like an oxymoron coming from them. No offense, just saying.
67 isn’t old. (I’m 53) You could very well live another 25-30 years.
I empathize with you completely and realize your pain. I am much older than you and I am still battling this disorder because I just refuse to give up, and I am praying you won't either. I have come a long way through much self-development through reading widely about social skills and meditation. Please never give up on yourself. You are too valuable.
This is me. I was raised by a narcissistic mother and also had huge embarrassing failures in grade school. Between being abused by my mother and rejected by my classmates, I was pretty much damaged for life by the time I got to the 6th grade.
It's not a life sentence. You hv more grit than most ppl. Keep pressing. Dream, dream big & go after it
😢💔 I'm so sorry 💔😢
She described me... All my life... I wish I could born again and be a different person. I cannot help but to hate myself for being like this. This is a nightmare 😭 I'm tire
Feeling this.
Same:(
You can be born again ask Jesus to come into your life you will be amazed
Don’t hate yourself, you’re not to blame. Everyone is different.
Laraine Jones no
Please make psychotherapy as affordable as normal medicine.. right now it seems only rich have access to such services.. especially because it takes a lot session to even identify the issue and each session is so expensive... 💔
Many therapists offer a sliding scale.
@@libbylandscape3560 Ah! I was not aware of such facilities, thanks
In Germany it's for free because we hace a social health system. But if u live in the US or Canada only the rich can afford it. It's a shame this system.
@@s.a.8106 It's unfortunate because, here in the States, psychologists don't charge THAT much (only about $350/hr., compared to $700/hr. for a regular doctor). It wouldn't be that much of a tax increase to have universal mental healthcare in the U.S., and I'm sure we can all agree mental healthcare is desperately needed in America these days.
@@s.a.8106 I live in Canada. 🇨🇦 We do have access to therapy, Phsychiatry, mental health services. The only thing not covered is medication.
This is taking control over my life. I feel like i am going in cycles of wanting to belong vs the fear of disappointment. I'm so tired of fighting myself.
Dr Ramani works for the system. Which is designed to keep us in a low vibration of fear, regret, anger, guilt and shame. Hence the term 'personality disorder' which is in fact a trauma response, nothing to do with our personality. My trauma responses are completely separate from my personality. They are automatic behaviours that do not define who I am. The 'personality disorder' label makes us feel ashamed, cast out from society, and so we isolate even more. Which is exactly what they want. Sure it is useful to understand the different trauma responses but remember that it is just that, a trauma response, not your fault, and nothing to do with your personality.
this just gives me flashbacks of high school, getting bullied, made fun of, gossiped about and ostracized and home life didn't help either. smh.
I know the feeling.
All bullies are some animal from cluster B - they among us since kindergarten. 🥶🥶🥶 - the adults dob't geth this and do not protect the victimes. I can relate - hell in scool + hell at home I'm 45 and still have to work hard to undo the damige from that abuse. I allways angry why our society don't take bullying - mobbing and bossing more seriouse - IT'S ALL A BUSE !
THIS!!!!
Yeah, sometimes daily life just reinforces our unhealthy behavior. Good social experiences are so important to overcome this and most of the time they don’t happen outside of therapy. Being laughed at or something can really break us and send us back into hermit mode.
Same here
For me, as a patient, I would rather it have a label. It's comforting.
the unknown is scary
Me too.
Me too. I always just thought I was weird and couldn’t adapt. I just considered myself an extreme homebody but had no idea why.
I agree. In therapy, when I would talk about weird incidents with my narc sister, and I doubted my memory due to her gaslighting, my therapist would tell me that I remembered correctly. I would wonder why she was saying that as she hadn't been present, but she wouldn't explain why. It was after I found raisedbynarcissists in reddit and started reading and finding all those identical stories that the incidents with my sister made sense and my memories were confirmed. If my therapist had told me my sister is a textbook narcissist and ALL those incidents were typical incidents, it would have helped way more. Or, let me fix that, IT WOULD HAVE ACTUALLY HELPED, instead of me thinking my therapist is getting paid to simply tell me what I want to hear. She knew that I was extremely distrustful and doubtful - hell, I have AvPD - so, she should have tried another method. The same with my AvPD. If I were told that I had this and it's a personality disorder and that the vast majority of people do NOT think like that, it would have helped way more for me to change my cognitive distortions instead of disbelieving my therapist that was trying subtly and discreetly to tell me that I'm exaggerating and overthinking. Besides, aren't ALL people afraid of rejection??? So, how am I different???
The label stunts someone's growth, potentially. It's better to address the issues at hand, give the patient the tools they need to contend with it, ect ect. Diagnosis is beneficial, though. But...it's got some double edges to it, I'd say.
I see myself in this a lot. I didn't even know this type of personality disorder... I've always been scared of rejection, scared of authoritative persons, but it fully hit me that something was wrong with me when I started to work after Uni. I can't deal with my boss, I'm scared so much of rejection that I'm kind of lagging behind the tasks I'm supposed to do. I'm tense ALL the time and can't relax anymore. I'm miserable and I feel like I will never find a job where I can be happy and feel relaxed. I'm very depressed and feel hopeless.
Ok, maybe I don't have this personality disorder, because I love karaoke 😂. I got the feeling that I have this avoidant behaviour especially regarding new situations and anything work related. And I don't have any close friends and feel like that the people in my life don't appreciate me for who I am. I'm trying to show them my true self and see their reactions, but the past has shown me that I'm more accepted if u play a role. I'm usually not shy, just acting like a different person.
@@cjane_world wow I totally relate to you when you said you feel like you must play a role in society I feel the exact same way plus dealing with people is so draining coz of past traumas
Chemicals get more chemicals in the system if you can I don't see why the entire nation isn't stoned as is nothing makes sense.
I feel like I have something similar to this diagnosis, but still a little different. When I first meet people, I'm actually quite outgoing and social, but as soon as they get to know me better, I'm afraid of disappointing them and I start to pull back. I want them to see only the best possible side of me, though of course I can't always be the best version of myself. Then I get scared and start acting really weird around them, which ultimately leads to no friendship and the other person actually being disappointed. I do this self-sabotage over and over again.
So so true, what both of you said. If I meet someone and they have a positive perception of me, I never want to see them again ever, as I know I'll self sabotage and ruin that positive perception eventually.
That to me sounds like you might have avoidant attachment pattern. I’m not sure if that is the correct term as English isn’t my first language, but look into attachment theory and the avoidant type, for a lot of people it applies to relationships but it can also apply to friendships, committing to a job et cetera.
Thank you for making me feel less alone today ❤
I personally find diagnosis very liberating. Suddenly you feel understood and you're not "guilty" anymore in your own eyes, it's a disorder you are not responsible about so now you can act on it. All is there on paper and you can start looking at healing or at least strategies to get around.
It's like an answer that I had always been looking for.
Yes! Thank you for this positive comment. Needed it.
I diagnosed myself just from watching this video.
I feel this way too. It feels good
@Aisha Jay - Transformation Expert will said!
I have this and it is so painful and lonely! I was in therapy for 4 years and my therapist never told me I had this. I had a brief friendship with a therapist and she told me that I had this. I was so embarrassed that it is obvious. Now I am in my 50's and it does't matter because no one wants to talk to me. I always wanted to be invisible and now I am. All the friends that I have had in the past were narcissist or borderlines, those were the people that I attracted. Thank you for talking about this.
Hi Ana. I'd be happy to be your friend, if you'd like. I'm not sure if I have this but I do have some symptoms of it, especially of being scared of embarassment and judgment, so I definitley know how you feel in that regard. I won't judge you for anything though, if you would ever like to talk ❤
same here i attract those types...i can’t cut them off because i’m weak..
@@editedbylaurel Same!
You describe me so well
@james smith, I feel you on that statement of avoiding marriage.. Especially when you know what you might attract!!
i’m 22 and have AvPD and i have been isolating myself completely from the world for 5 years straight now… even from my childhood best friends of 19 years i went from being with them every single day all those years to not daring to open their messages or answer their calls… i feel like i’m still stuck at 17 years old since i havent lived even a little bit these last 5 years it’s so incredibly incredibly exhausting being alive at this point i can’t take it anymore
Only therapy can help
Does anyone else do this thing when they imagine interacting with others and all that stuff seam like you can do it but when your actually in that situation your mind turns blank and you fear everyone will look at you funny if you say anything or theirs going to be an awkward silence and then you go throughthe day without talking to anyone... and the cycle repeats until your highschool life is over and you have absolutley no friends.
Yes. Absolutely yes. It's like I can't hear my own thoughts when I am around others (groups mostly) ... I try to listen intently but end up worrying for when it's my chance to speak and then by the time it's my turn to talk, I haven't thought about what I actually want to say, so it comes out all jumbled and incomplete.. or just very short replies. It's so very frustrating so I just avoid talking at all costs. I came out of hs with no friends as well, it's been 10 years and I only have one genuine friend who I barely talk to.
Yes. Always since I was a child and it kills me inside.
Yes, but I think it's probably due to lack of practice at just being out in the real world and interacting with people in real life.
Everyday
Yes, yes, yes. I am definitely so much cooler when it's just me and am always pathetic around others. X
I’m avoidant because of past trauma. It’s not worth it to go through it again, so avoid totally. 🤷🏻♀️
I understand that ... so am I.
Same.
Same ...
Please believe me that it is worth it, and you are so worth the opportunities in life that come your way once you have healed through your trauma enough to be open to them again. I wish you all the best with your healing xx
@@nephriteitsarock5377 the worth from an opportunity is subjective
I was brought up alone as an only child with my single mother who was an alcoholic. She was emotionally neglectful and abusive so I grew up being very shy and anxious. I was also compared to a lot as a child and during my adulthood. I've suspected I had AvPD since I was 16 when I read about it on the Internet. The thing is, I do feel insecure and I've realised I'm also asexual or aromantic since I was 13. I could never relate to other girls my age and felt so different from them. I was never a party person for one thing. I've struggled with insecurities all my life and this disorder ticks a lot of boxes. But I suspect in recent years that I might also have Schizoid personality disorder. No thanks in part to last year where I almost had a breakdown due to my mum screaming abuse at me for at least three weeks. Now I've become almost more nihilistic and still shun others and relationships. I've always been alone with no support, I've been self sufficient all my life and I'm happy being alone. The only fear I have is dying old and sad. This was a real help, thank you!
I understand your circumstance to extent, Avpd is really life crushing, especially in this world where social relationship is so important. But you are strong for pushing through inspite of it
This sounds just like me...I avoided family functions my adult life bc I was worried about what everyone would think of me. And my fears were confirmed when I finally showed up and everyone told me how fat I had gotten. the more I learn about myself the more I realize how much ppl have messed with my head. Mostly my parents and so this is why I now stay away from people
sounds like you have toxic ppl in your life. it hurts really bad when the two ppl who suppose to love and protect you act like this. it isnt being avoidant, youre trying to protect your mental health the best way you can.
Sounds like your family care about your health, ask one of them to go to the gym with you for confidence, put them on the spot if they say yes great go with them, if they say no tell them to stfu then. Whatever you do try loose the weight you'll live longer mate, all the best.
It’s a difficult thing to seek treatment for. I’ve spoken to multiple therapists. Just as the woman described in this video, they instantly started treating me for social anxiety. I know what anxiety feels like. I’m able to go to work and school and speak to coworkers and customers and participate in group work without the sweating, the heart racing feeling, the freezing up. I can come across as normal. But only for a short period of time. I only have one friend currently (my best friend since 2nd grade) and I haven’t made any new friends since middle school. I don’t hang out with anyone. I hardly talk to anyone besides texting my roommate or best friend once or twice a week. I can’t connect to people. As soon as the opportunity for connection presents itself, it seems to be gone just as quickly. I retreat to loneliness because it’s safe, yet I beat myself up every time for it, and hate myself even more in the end. The therapists I saw couldn’t pick up on what I was putting down. I just felt even more isolated, like there was nothing wrong with me. I was just weird; there was no cure for it. I knew I wasn’t socially anxious, so perhaps it was just my own fault; I was just a failure with bad habits and a bad personality. This video made me think I should give therapy another shot
you hit the nail on the head with how I am feeling too. I can't believe how much I relate to this. I have recently tried to 'cure' myself by taking risks, and I still seem to feel an overwhelming sense that people are talking about me behind my back saying that I should not have been chosen or making fun of me. I am a grown adult (35) so I feel immature or stunted emotionally. I don't have many positive memories of my childhood or teenage years in school. If I could never go back in time to those days, it would be too soon. I do have memories of being left out of games, bullied out of after school groups because I was unpopular, and even letting a teacher down when he selected me to be a lawyer in a mock court case. This teacher told me I could do it...I did well in class...but I recall failing so miserably at that role that he was surprised at how poorly I did. I am not sure if this is all related to avoidant personality or something else entirely, but I feel a connection to the feelings described.
i cant believe it, thank you so much for this comment, everything made me feel so much less alone and strange. thank you thank you thank you. i hope you are able to beat this, i hope i will too
@@senara5836 hi, this comment was just me ranting, i can’t believe people are seeing themselves in it! but im glad because it always helps to relate to someone. i hope you have happiness in your life whether it’s in your social circle or otherwise. wishing you the best ❤️
I also got diagnosed to have social anxiety but I know there's something more but I couldn't figure it out by myself. I have a distrust for the doctors who diagnosed me after knowing that they could misdiagnose people. I've been misunderstood for so long and now that I finally am seeking help but knowing that I may be not get the proper help I need, everything just feels hopeless and lost.
Hang in there. Sending support out, because I hear you, and I'm glad this was so impactful.
This is me all my life and Now I'm older and life is almost over and I miss my whole life
See Jose then. He will light your fire.
Me too, I understand completely
Same. I've always thought SOMEDAY things will get better for me. But now I'm 50 and I feel like I wasted my whole life being scared of the world.
The last 1/3 of my life, but especially the past 1/12 of my life.
I’m 45 and do not enjoy human interaction unless it my kids. I don’t view this as a waste of life but an enhancement
I don't have avpd but as someone with severe anxiety, I can relate to some of the things they feel. I'm sorry to anyone that struggles with this and truly hope you're able to get help and make your life better.
I have ASD and was misdiagnosed with this originally. I def see the connections with rejection sensitivity
I relate to this so much. I was homeschooled and isolated and basically retreated into my brain and mental escapism to deal with it. Now I can't seem to deal properly with reality, at age 39, and goddamn is it frustrating. I have zero friends except my partner, and I'm so avoidant I struggle to keep the house clean or even stay present. Thanks for all this info. I'm hoping to eventually work up the courage to find help. 💜
@@nty3929 lol I'm so confused, did you read somewhere that no one with AvPD can have a relationship? A lot of time, our significant others are our only tie to the outside world. It's like you haven't actually read anything and are just being rude. What was your desired answer here? Like, "ooh dang, you got me, I'm lying anonymously in a random KZhead comments section for literally no reason" lol I'm so confused how you literally think none of us are partnered or married. 😂 There are guides all over the Internet for people who are in relationship with those of us who have AvPD. There are SO many articles on it. My partner and I have worked very, very hard at our relationship. It's been incredibly difficult and we still struggle, but we just keep choosing each other, idk. We like each other and we get each other, even though I spend massive amounts of time alone. He's able to give me that space and not take it personally. Loads of us are married or partnered (but frequently have no other relationships outside our primary relationship). Please don't reply again unless you're going to be a nice person. I can guarantee you that I know more about AvPD than you do and your weird hot takes are not coming off as innocent curiosity in the slightest. 😂
I like she mentions this group are most vulnerable to cults and even radicalisation. Major issue.
It's a serious underestimation of the avoidant's avoidance. One wouldn't believe what they say, either, because nobody actually cares, in fact they are actively judgemental, therefore they are lying. The danger comes when they reach a point in therapy where the grip of the avoidance has been loosened. Therapy makes the avoidant more vulnerable.
@Moonman finding a group that will accept you, you subsequently think they're the first group you've met that are decent people, you follow their nonsense not realising you're being manipulated. I would also say being very centrist and apolitical is another common trait for the reason being you simply dont fit in
@Moonman My guess is an individual usually starts off with very low self esteem , no self worth , a strong need to find meaningful relationships and desire to belong to some group..( sect , cult , religion , political affiliation ect.)..
Glad i have 47377 other diagnosis to balance that up..No cult for me.
Trump supporters 😂
I just want to be loved and not feel like I have to hide who I am. I have great energy when I'm happy but its rare that I'm happy
This makes me want to cry. I FINALLY KNOW WHAT I SUFFER FROM. I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG!! SO MUCH PAIN IVE ENDURED BUT I WILL PROVE THIS CONDITION CAN BE PUT INTO REMISSION
I feel like I'm never going to be able to hold a steady job or have meaningful relationships
Were you diagnosed? I think a friend has it. But, he's been married 4 Times. Wouldn't a shy guy never been married?
@@cherylthompson2731 not yet, but I'm seeing a therapist soon and hopefully they can tell me. I seem to fit this very well though
Whenever I have a fight with my boyfriend, he leaves me and it doesn't matter if I'm in the street or not he will leave and drive off. Is this AVP??!!
I quit my jobs before they expect me to be more open with them. Usually last close to a year and then I’m out. :( I hate it but the fear is too much to bear
@@cherylthompson2731 Is this the guy who's been married four times?
I’m in tears after watching this. I always knew there was something going on my head and now I understand my self.
I have Avd and have been trying Emdr therapy to try to unravel the thoughts and patterns that led to having this disorder. I grew up in a very hateful environment where I was the target and have definitely had a lot of guilt from being like this but I’m accepting that everyone reacts to abuse and anxiety differently. I hear people say kids are very resilient, however not all people are as resilient and that leads to shame which is a vicious cycle. Also, reactions I’ve gotten from doctors and therapists over the years has been really abusive because there is such a stigma associated with these symptoms.They’re condescending, they treat you like you’re stupid,I’ve had therapists be really mean. I had one doctor repeatedly ask me if I was sexually abused as a child bc “research shows” people with social anxiety have been sexually abused, I said I wasn’t and his exact words were, Well, I don’t know then. There’s so much stigma attached to this disorder and honestly I’ve felt worse after seeking treatment bc of the reactions I’ve gotten.
That’s terrible. Some doctors are so stupid.
I searched "avoidant personality disorder", and I found this video. This video is so wholesome. It was very pleasant to listen to Dr. Ramani, and Kyle is such a good interviewer as well. And it's also great that the video has the subtitles, because as a non-native I may miss some information by listening only. Thank you very much.
I got mine from the bullies, I was humiliated often in school by nasty people. Now I don't trust people enough to let them in. I know if I let them know my weaknesses they will use it to backstab me at some point. So I wait and will only become vulnerable with people if I understand them enough to know I can trust them not to backstab me
What scares me is the two facedness of seemingly normal, average people. Walking into a conversation of people bad mouthing you is one of the most alienating and crushing social situations. I always have the fear that most people just pretend to like me out of just being polite, that it isn't genuine. Especially true with family members
Oh I didn’t think about the bullying…. 🤯 this makes more sense of me. I also have a time period I feel I must wait before revealing anything too personal.
Similar for me. I've never told anyone what sort of music I like, or what youtubers I watch, or what TV programmes I like, because I'm so fearful of being humiliated for it. It stems from years of being bullied and not being able to do anything about it. Everyone I know thinks I'm being secretive, aloof, that I don't like them, or they think I'm downright boring because I can't tell them anything about me. On the internet usually manage talking about myself because if I embarrass myself I can delete the account lmao Really not fun when I'm certain I have ADHD, but I can't bring myself to ask my parents to see a psychologist/therapist
Don't. Let. Them. Win.
Same same. And I don't think ever in their life they realize how much damage they have done to me just for the sake of having a cheap fun. 😒
I've been diagnosed with generalized social anxiety in comorbility with severe depression. However, i feel more related with the criteria of APD. I'm 24 years old and there have been years where i'm totally alone, with absolutely no friends. I sometimes have feared that i might go crazy because of this horrible loneliness, it's frustrating and terrifying. And it's so painful because you want to enjoy life, want to meet people, want to love and be loved, want intimacy and above all want to be accepted; but you can't, because of this extreme fear of being judged, rejected and ashamed. Sometimes when i've tried to meet people i fear that they might think i'm a weirdo because i haven't lived life like normal people and got no friends, because i've spent almost all my life locked in my room hiding myself. So i end up screwing things up and missing opportunities, and keep sinking in my shit. I'd like so much to meet people with this condition. I think i'd feel less alone and maybe finally understood and accepted, but it's so hard because at the same time all the people who suffer from this are hiding, so we never get to meet.
Please don't give up on making friend, i know its hard i'm strugling with this too
I hope you get therapy and get a support group or hobby group where you feel accepted 💖
What a great point. Sending you a hug. You are worth being loved and enjoying relationships. If only we could get outside of our own thoughts and selves more. I’m sure you have a lot of good to share with others. Baby steps. 👣 🤗
@@iaprawitasari3028 if you couldn't make friend in your whole life, then nothing will change that in the future. Heck it just gets harder and harder. People get married and have kids while you will stand out. May get some short friendships, but most likely you get abbadoned.
As if you describe me perfectly! I did not expect that there are people who suffer as I have suffered since my childhood! I was at school and I made friends, but after graduating and everyone went to another path, here I am ostracized and isolated and I do not go out of the house, even relatives I cannot talk to, the symptoms have increased after reaching 18 I am now 21. But I decided inevitably to go to a psychiatrist or throw myself among the people. Sorry for my rather poor English.
I don't have social anxiety I have avoidant personality disorder wow it makes total sense now
I love ur videos. I actually spent a yr researching all personality disorders and finally came across the Avoidance Disorder and I was so thrilled to finally figure out what I have. I see a psychologist and she had not figured it out. I had her test me and I was right. It totally is fear. It’s so intensely deep that I can’t even see it any other way. I also have C-PTSD and depression. It is hell living with these disorders. It controls my life. I can’t work, have a serious relationship, or friends. It may seem like a joke to most but to the person that has it…..feels like death, no way out. U want to die because no matter how hard u try to change u cant. TRUST and FEAR are severe. I feel at 50 years of age I haven’t even begun to live. And I haven’t! It’s a daily struggle! I truly feel for anyone who’s has this disorder. It will be a long road to break through this disorder. 😢
7:06 You spelled it out. This is me, exactly.
These 2 books can help people with avoidant personality disorder: "You can heal your life" by Louis Hay and "a new earth" by Eckhart Tolle.
I didnt know this was a personality disorder. As a daughter of a narc, I just thought these thoughts and ideas were just the consequences of the abuse. I have an extreme fear of being made fun of in public, being humiliated, looking a fool. I have suffered from depression and since I quit my job as lawyer (which I totally failed at) and since I'm now working from home, and have no contact with people, I have managed to wean myself off of all my meds. But never knew that I could possibly have this disorder. Will have to do more research on this. Thank you for this eye-opener.
Personality disorders are often, more or less, "caused" by trauma. I'm recently diagnosed and grew up with a narc parent as well. Not saying that means you have it, just that I relate. Best of luck with everything
I think that the disorder makes us more vulnerable to narcs, and then the narcs make the disorder worse.
@@kasperorganics-organiccott6881 I used to think along these lines, that my traits attracted narcs. Truth is, narcs aren't picky. As long as they're getting their supply, they'll go for anyone. There's just a select few people that will tolerate a narc.
@@saraw8490 Narcs look for easy marks. People with cptsd or avd are easy marks. Narcs are often skilled at love-bombing, which makes the target feel loved and accepted. People with avd or cptsd are more vulnerable than "normals," so they make an ideal target. Narcs don't usually target normals because normals are much less vulnerable and won't fall for the love-bombing or the jerking around that comes after. Normals also don't fall for the hard luck stories that narcs often use to get money out of their targets. Listen to HG Tudor's channel; he describes how narcs think and behave from the narc's perspective. It's an eye opener.
@@edennis8578 yeah I understand how certain people are ideal targets. Doesn't change the fact narcs are always narcs, not just to their victims.
How to spot myself? Yeah man, I’m hiding well. People around me think I’m a happy happy person who has good life. They have no idea I’m a traumatised individual at all.
I wear masks a lot, its easier than explaining.
Hi Ladies! Fellow masker here sending love to both of you.
This is the worst part. Hey, I see you.
This resonated a bit too deeply my goodness..
Been a nice guy all my life...started lashing out at family..friends..2 years ago...showed them am not nice...not a nice guy at all...now they take me as I am and domt 3xpect me to be nice...I was afraid to be angry..afraid to be myself..afraid to socialize..be alive...criticize me and we wont be friends anymore...etc...I tolerate no mess these days...rejection from opposite sex used to traumatize me for weeks and months..esp...in front of my friends...these days I make sure I also reject others...and I tell my rejectors what I really think of them too...I feel less hurt now. . Still building myself up...we will see how well I get
i would say i have mild AvPD. my strongest trait is self isolation (i used to hide in places people won't find me in primary school up until college) never had many friends and i very rarely share about myself) i exhibit many of the other traits too but i do still force myself to have courage to face the inevitable (although i do struggle to even make phone calls or get anxious when someone calls me). i'm graduating soon and having AvPD does somehow make finding a job more complicated than its supposed to be. to those suffering from this, i hope that you are loved and you will be, always. *my mom is a single parent if that helps. mf kicked me and my mom out when i was a baby. i was alone a lot as a child because my mom had to work.
OMG you hit the nail on the head with this for me! I’ve always been a shy person, if I want friends, someone has to ‘seek me out’ to join them and their friend group. Because like you mentioned, fear of rejection. Being a nanny and taking Lexapro has helped me and my anxiety, but pulling the trigger is always the hard part on making life changes
I get that my facial expressions dont match my emotions... When im around people.
Same!! And it often causes miscommunication
LMAO same 🤣😆😂
I deal with that alot. People often (though not always) draw a conclusion from what they see on my face and don't always listen to what I say. Which kind of feeds the problem...but I go ahead and say what I am thinking anyway, even if I have to say it two or three times. I know it's difficult, so I just want to remind you all to hang in there. You're not alone and you have value.
Same here. Could it be that we are on the ASD spectrum?
@@KC-xu2yr yeah it used to happen to me every time. Unlickily we can't blame the others, the vast majority of communication is non verbal and people tend to value it first. (sorry for my bad English I'm Italian)
Sending so much love out there to my fellow avoidants. Social isolation and the constant feeling of shame and inferiority and all the "normal" life things that seem so out of reach for many of us, are harder to endure than people could ever understand, but our life is meaningful and i hope we can find happiness in the little things in life when it feels like we're missing out on the big milestones or opportunities. You're not alone in this and there's nothing shameful about suffering.
Heavy victim complex. Lots of avoidants are covert narcissists
@@persona8991 Aren't narcissists people that think they are better then everyone else around them? Avoidant personality people think they are inferior to everyone around them. So how do they add up to the same thing?
Well I'm old now and I've learned to live with it and I remind myself that the grass isn't greener on the other side and being alone isn't that bad its freeing in a way I can do what ever I want. Just have to be glad for what I got and try and take care and do my best.
@@persona8991 bullshit
@@crossroads8370 No that’s not what that means. Why spew that to me?
I consider myself avoidant. The difference is, I made a conscious choice to be hyper social regardless of my fears. This was anything from asking every person I met on a short walk where the cheapest barbers was, to online dating. It hasn't made the fear of rejection any less, but i've experienced enough of it to know it won't kill me. Does it sting? Absolutely. It can throw me for a week. And even years later I'm still faking it till I'm making it. I've just learned not to show it, as much as I can. I've missed out on a lot in life, and it's easy to be disappointed in myself, but I need to remember where I've come from and keep going.
Yeah its important to try not to compare ourselves to what others have achieved. APD is a crippling condition as a result of long-term emotional trauma. Also, achievement in these terms of societal norms is not the ultimate measure of "success" in life. To persevere in spite of the challenges faced by this condition is the measure of success, to heal, to spiritually evolve, to come to a point of deep understanding of what happened to us, and insight into our long-held limiting beliefs and behaviors.
I too threw myself into online dating when tinder became a thing in 2013 thankfully I’m blessed with attractive feature and was very physically fit at the time otherwise it would’ve never worked I’ve never been able to pursue a woman unless I knew for sure she was interested even then it was really hard due to the feeling of inadequacy fear of rejection. The Two relationships I’ve had they pursued me first I’m also severely dyslexic and really struggle communicating. anyways I met my son’s mother on tinder things, moved fast and She became pregnant so we moved in together that’s When shit hit the fan in the worst way possible I don’t know at the time I had AvPD but knew my whole life I always avoided conflict She would start an argument every day it was all I could do to avoid her in the same house I couldn’t even sleep in the same bed as her in a instant it went from a healthy intimate relationship to a sexless one. I couldn’t even sit next to her on the couch. I would have to sit on the opposite side from where she was sitting at the time I didn’t realize what I was doing but every day she would attack me verbally, and I couldn’t say anything back. I will just walk away. I won’t go into detail, but it didn’t end well at all between us towards the end of the relationship, I knew being a part of my sons life as much as possible was the most important thing to me and I managed to make that happen. Fast forward year I got into another relationship with a woman I worked with when we were teenagers after year into the relationship things started to get rocky this time around I was gonna do everything I could to stay with her. I loved her unconditionally and wanted to have more kids. Unfortunately my avoidant behavior with any sign of negative emotion slowly ate away at her mental health, and we were just miserable after 5 years She broke up with me on Valentines. I was at my lowest struggling with severe depression. I will never get into another relationship ever in my life it’s disheartening knowing I won’t have more kids or ever be happily in a relationship I’m blessed to have my son he means the world to me. All I have is him I have no friends no family left here in my state. They all moved to Florida. It’s just me and my son.
i dont know how it happened but i somehow developed this VERY early on in childhood and this lady described my ENTIRE LIFE, all my thoughts my feelings and worries
I ended up being dependent on alcohol to deal with socialising. It's awful.
Same here
@@aura420. the whole social scene is people being fake and just egos. Pretending to have a good time to advertise it on social media. It's ridiculous really. Having to get drunk with a bunch of people you dont really feel comfortable with is painful. It's hard to say no sometimes and you get dragged along full of dread. Take care. You are not alone.
I used alcohol too until I understood how to make small talk and learn to"read" others' body language. Then I kept the skills and cut the alcohol.
In my case it was weed. To the point of doing it every single day after work and after my parents went to sleep. Day and night getting high to forget about how shifty I feel and how bad I wish I was different or "normal" like other people
@Brian Hamilton thanks Brian. I'm 19 days sober today 😊 really trying.
Saying that diagnosis is "a very nuanced art"--another reason why we love Dr. Ramani so much.
Thank you so much. This is me 100%. I am in my 70's. My life is wasted. Wish I knew this 50 yrs ago. There need to be a group of people with this. We need support desperately. Thank you Dr. Ramani
I just learnt about this disorder today. Watching this video and reading the comments here make me cry because I relate to so many of them. And I can finally explain some of my "odd" behaviors I have since childhood.
It's not always an insecurity or sensitivity to judgement that is the core of the disorder. Some of us have just learned that others take advantage of us and push us to do things we don't want to or they just make us uncomfortable and we feel we have to make everyone feel comfortable and happy so it's too exhausting and uncomfortable to be social or around people.
As a person with this apd, I can tell you in childhood I was ridiculed for simple things I enjoyed and now as an adult it's like this coping mechanism so i don't have to go back to feeling that way again
we’re you also ridiculed for mistaking things? like getting confused and people make fun?
yes
Abbie Alverez::::I was constantly ridiculed by my parents in the presence of others, it happened long ago ( I am a senior citizen ) I developed AVPD as a coping mechanism. I am socially awkward, shy, and suffer from anxiety and have lost a million opportunities because of my AVPD.
Encounter Ministries KZhead channel. (Mark Hemans)*
My friend, never say you have APD as it can be mistaken for antisocial personality disorder, something you definitely don't want people to think you have. The acronyms are many and confusing. Just a heads up form me. 😊
This 'disorder' is someone who has, at least to themselves, visible surface wounds, bruises, and scars, very much not their fault and that refuse to heal. Society 'senses' these wounds, bruises, and scars and throws salt and vinegar and kicks at them. So, the 'fear of embarrassment' in the wounded and scarred is not unfounded. Society can be monstrously and brutally disaffected in attitude--especially when a lot of 'normal' individuals think themselves 'nice' when they're not.
YES!!!
@@karabokhwiane7593 There's no such thing as 'normal' people. There are many people who have never had anything injurious happen to them and are completely mystified that things go wrong for others.
Yes! Its not just in the head. People smell blood and they use it to hurt you
Yeah it’s really hard to gain self-confidence when people laugh at you for being insecure
So true I'm dyslexic and have short term memory loss. I've ben maid fun of as an adult by strangers for my spelling for reading to slow and at the post office filling out a money order taking to long
I was almost sure I had AvPD until a year ago, after months of therapy and SSRI medication for GAD and dysthymia with major depressive episodes, I was finally diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (which made a lot of sense and I accept myself as autistic). From that I was getting a lot better. BUT this year I've seen a decline in my mental health and I learnt you don't have to choose between an autism diagnosis and a personality disorder, you can have both. As many traits on me are pervasive, those strong avoidant personality traits in me were back on the table in therapy and now I'm a candidate for an AvPD diagnosis, being at the same time autistic. #HowLongOLord
I'm also on the spectrum and showing signs of this personality disorder. For some reason last year the symptoms got worse and I'm trying to find a therapist. Keep fighting the good fight.
This is how I felt pretty much after I left highschool and went into the military. During basic training I was bullied excessively and judged, Things I've never experience or even cared if someone judged me before. When I was officially in the military I would try to be to perfect person in my workplace but in me trying to I would mess up in things and some of my colleagues would judge me harshly for it this building up my anxiety more. After that I felt at peace when I ate by myself at the far end of the dining hall and the military functions we were required to go to I would risk getting reprimanded for not going because I was the afraid of the people who actually did judged me spread rumors to others in that function and now they would judge me too. I'm 29 and I've been out of the military for 7 years now. I've went to my dream college thinking that being around like minded people would help me out of this hell but it didn't . Out of the 6 years I've been in that college I've only manage to go to two career fairs and maybe 4 functions or parties. Places where I can find my dream jobs and network. But my constant fear of being judged took me away from all that. I even had second thoughts on walking during my graduation (but then quarantine happened and I didn't have to). Now I am an English teacher at a Japanese school and not much has changed in my social life. Though interaction with my students has calmed my compulsion to stay away from people I still have the need to not talk to their parents after classes or advertise for the school. Living with AvPD is like your a gray ghost in an vibrant living world. Something you can see but can never experience. I'm glad I can finally put a name to the hell I'm in.
Being a ghost. Yep. And then there is the CPTSD, the depression and the social and cultural limitations that make it even harder to connect with the world. Thanks a lot, early childhood trauma.
This disorder sounds like staying an awkward, struggling teenager your whole life, forever unable to get over that "but what if they laugh at me?" threat. It sure sounds like a special brand of hell.
geez thanks
It is 😢
That's exactly how I feel. I know how to build the car from looking at the manual but I can't physically build the car.
It’s not as bad you think. I personally am very content alone it’s just I know it’s not a great way to grow old because we need other people.
It is hell honey
It's a cell without walls. I long to be normal, to love, to lose love and love again, but to be alone is my fate until my last dying breath.
OMG i think she was really Diagnosing me and its really true, i have missed a lot of opportunities in life and i find myself beating myself up on a lot of things about everything and anything
Same.
I'm in the same boat! Very accurate stuff
Same here....We going to be fine
I'm 40 years old and just now being diagnosed. It has been a revaluation on how to communicate better what has been happening my whole life.
I love what she says about working together with the client. Truly, we ALL have the power to make great strides in this realm! Just communicating on the internet has been so eye opening.
Imagine going through each day being reminded that you are a "less than" human being.
All my life
Imagine going through each day knowing that it is true.
i understand this feeling well, but just remember that you are human and that you matter. our struggles don't render us any less than.
@@lonettehistoria1663 Having someone who doesn't know this say this about you only emboldens the external locus of control, which most people with AvPD are likely to have.
@@BlueSkyBS wdym?
What do you call it when you find that life is so much simpler when you don't have a lot of people around messing things up all the time? Do I hate people? No. I just seem to feel better when they're not around.
Maybe autism.... not sure. I think I'm autistic and I kind of feel like that, but not sure if I have bpd
Being smart
@@aliyahbrown2553 lmao stop
Avoidant attachment. But if it's not causing problems or mental anguish in your life then it is not a disorder.
I honestly feel like I can only be successful if I isolate myself. Any time I meet a goal it was alone.
I’m so glad I came across this video because I had suspicion that this is what I struggle with. This therapist is such a professional and she seems like she cares about her clients. I’m so happy this video has so many views so people can learn about how profound and complicated this disorder is.
For me APD just makes me feel like a failure and I can’t function. Fail at relationships, fail at jobs, at career paths. I have burnt down and restarted my life numerous times. Every time I feel like I’ve failed or I’m disappointing someone or I’m being rejected or disapproved of, I self isolate and close off from anything or anyone connected to that part of my life. And I just start over. Cognitive behavioral therapy helped me a lot to deal with my deep fears of intimacy but I still get seriously triggered when I feel I failed or disappointed someone.
This must be so debilitating and it's a shame that nobody talks about it, people won't understand.
I’m almost certain that my brother has this. It’s so hard watching him suffer through life. He’s dealt with addiction, and is terrified of getting close to people. He’s so closed off. It breaks my heart. I have BPD, and my sister (IMO) has NPD. All of our struggles with interpersonal relationships are a result of a narcissistic parent and childhood trauma. People with NPD wreak havoc in the lives of the people around them. I wish my brother would get therapy, I think it would help him function in the world.
She's a great teacher!
People don't really understand it. Like how can I be so friendly at work and totally blow them off any time they invite me out? Why don't I ever want to hang out with them? I think it can be hard to wrap your head around it.
@@cory99998 I get what you mean, I do that a lot too.
It is
I have suffered from this my entire life. I feel like having social anxiety or AVPD has caused me to miss out on several job opportunities. But I cannot get over the fear of having to be social. I absolutely hate being forced into a social situation.
Yes well some people you don't want to get to know for good reasons! I'm more comfortable in one on one situations or a small group. If you are too, that's not wrong. It's just an inclination.
I can't even make phone calls. I freeze up and don't know what to say. Nobody understands. Anybody else get like this?
@@Maya-dc8cb I know what you mean. That's why I usually write down everything I have to say before a phone call and kinda try to predict the questions to know the answers.
@@Maya-dc8cb Yep, that's me.
@@Maya-dc8cb You are not alone with this one. My idle is at, please leave me alone. Even through the phone, I don't call or answer.
I was diagnosed with this earlier this year and she describes this perfectly.
Do you know how when some part of your life is super complicated and stress inducing and all of a sudden you discover there's an APP for that? That's what watching this video was like for me!!!!! Thank you. Cheers to Dr. Ramani. Does anyone else here wish she was your therapist? I do.
6:30 Another thing about that is we might actually be a little to forward or aggressive because we don't want to be criticized or judged for having different thoughts and opinions. I have this disorder and sometimes i can be unnecessarily aggressive when sharing my opinion because my brain automatically goes into "defense" mode due to me being extremely anxious expressing my thoughts and opinions and being afraid of being "attacked". I also have a really hard time explaining myself and why I think/feel that way or why what I said has any substance, so when it is challenged, I either fold or relent entirely. I have been getting much better at this however because of my husband, bless his heart :)
Exactly. I hurt people by being aggressive which is not my intention. Just sort of like a subconcious thing to defend myself to whatever they're thinking and then later realize about what I did. It's like an endless cycle. Avoidance puts fuel to my aggressiveness and by being aggressive and hurting people I feel shame and self hatred which makes me avoid people more.
So true! God Bless you!
omg yes. for the most part I feel and believe. I am 100% correct and thought of explaining sickens me, making to stop talking and hear them rant
You speak my life and it seems to be getting worst by the moment at this point i feel like people just tolorate me just because
What I'm about to say might come off as offensive but I swear I don't meant to, how did you managed to get married to someone else at the first place? Hahaha I'm really sorry if this is weird but I think I have had this disorder my entire life, I'm 22 and oh mannnn relationships scare the shit out of me. There's this boy I like for example; he always initiates things, gets out of his way to talk to me etc. but I feel like I always distance myself from everyone including him on a subconscious level. It is just so mesmerizing and supernatural to me to see a married person with avpd haha
I identify with all of the symptoms, strongly. And the examples you talked about are mirrors of my experiences. And, yes, I thought I was "just awkward".
same here, it might be something to look into because i always thought it was social anxiety
@@grayjphys To both of you... AvPD is NOT the same as social anxiety. The socially anxious person just have all these fears of judgement, rejection etc BUT he has self-awareness. The main difference is that people with social anxiety disorder often know their fears are irrational, while people with avoidant personality disorder believe that they are inferior to others and therefore rejection and humiliation are not only inevitable, but deserved. So it's more likely you just have social anxiety
Rain Maker as the doctor in this video said, she usually takes weeks or months to diagnose someone correctly, it’s doubtful you would be able to do it based off a single comment.
@@emily3 thanks for the clarification :)
Jason Gray by the way to answer your question, it’s always worth looking into with a trained professional whether that be a psychologist or mental health counselor or anything of the sort, it is good to look into! Some doctors don’t necessarily specialize in personality disorders, so if you need to find a new doctor, try to look for one who specializes in such! Good luck, I also have social anxiety to an extreme and I wonder about this too. But it’s probably more important to work thru your own personal symptoms than finding specific diagnoses. Where they can be helpful to have a diagnosis, it’s important to make sure your doc is giving specialized care for you and what you need! Good luck, hope you know my message before was not directed towards you!
I’m 16 and this couldn’t have described me better, but I really try to push myself but find myself pulling bad right before I set out of my boundaries. I feel so sad looking at my friends who do it so much more easily, i feel so behind in this aspect of my life
I knew I had issues but she just exposed my whole life issues in 1 video. The amount of times a girl has shown me interest and I reject them or if I try to date them I will observe them until I’m sure even the I come up with reasons to leave. A girl asked me out last week and I was so embarrassed and I didn’t know why
I see myself turning more to this and it worsening. I'm 30 but I have no friendships with anyone from the place I've worked for over a year, anyone I knew in college or highschool, I dread social interaction in the rare instance of seeing people who recognize me and more and more I just want to run away and disappear. I feel like they'll see the insecurity I carry and feel shame that they'll pity me for the frightened hollowed husk I've turned into.
I'm same. I've been isolating myself for two years now and not because of the pandemic. But I'm not giving up yet! I'll try my best to do whatever it takes and better myself. Please know people don't generally hate you or discriminate against you. That fear comes from inside you, let it out and try to understand it. Love Yourself. And get out of your comfort zone! You have to understand that it's not other people putting yourself in this situation, it's you, yourself who's ashamed of your fears and feelings. The thing that fear hates the most is to be exposed, that's the step towards healing. Fear does not want to be seen and acknowledged by others only by yourself. Start slow by writing your thoughts every time you feel the need, keep a diary as well, but write objectives on paper like things that could help you get better or things you want to do. You must face Yourself, you must understand you don't fear other people. Who you truly fear is your perceived self, your fear. Expose fear to the truth and light.
Virginia you can do it, and no one will judge you got this!
@@futavadumnezo Excellent advice!
3:35 DSM Avoidant personality. 5:40 Afraid of shame, ridicule, criticism, rejection. Feel inhibited in a new relationship because they feel inadequate. They feel less than, down play their profession. Judge themselves and see themselves as less socially adept. They take no risks and miss opportunities. 12:15 Talk with clients about their fear in social situations, the ingredients, not their diagnosis. Anxiety, socially awkward, ultra shy. 15:17 Talk to me about your friends. How many relationships have you had? How long did they last? How did they meet? What are the relationships like within your family? The workplace? The same theme: I don't really have that many friends, I've never had a relationship, it's hard to get into a relationship, I don't like dating. Familial relationships fought with anxiety. 16:10 Look for a consistency around the fears, fears of inadequacy, cutting across all relationships. Do you see the consistency in this pattern? 17:46 that's when we can go back into childhood, a shameful tx by peers, or humiliating first sexual experience, abuse. I don't think you're just awkward, do you see where all this is coming from?
Tammy Garrison,hope you are not with a narc 😈!
@@oscarwilliamson1264 I was for 5.5 years. No longer, thank God.
@@HeySeussGranny Good to hear that you are not longer with a narc 😈 my dearest 🌹🌷🌷🌺😍😍😍.I'm Oscar Williamson from the States.You?
@@HeySeussGranny which country are you from?
@@oscarwilliamson1264 What does narc mean? Narcotics user? Narcotics officer?
The part about about missing out on life hit me so hard because I feel like other ppl my age (I’m in my 20’s) are all in meaningful relationships, traveling, living their lives and I feel like I’m behind and not enjoying my life.
The best phycology doctor on KZhead. Easy to listen to, talks clear, and simplifies and slows it down so I can understand
I relate to this a lot. I thought I was just shy, different from normal people, inadequate and sometimes even autistic. But now I know I have a disorder. I’m lucky I have a big family so I never feel that lonely. But I can’t really tell them how I feel because I’m afraid they’d judge me. Never had friends that I hang out with and never been in a relationship and I’m approaching 60s. I feel blessed though that I have great faith in God, which helps me cope with my struggles each day. I have developed my prayer life and try to be a blessing to others and this helps with my feeling of inadequacy because I have brought joy or happiness to others. When I feel lonely I try to get out of myself and focus on others that are struggling more than I am. This has helped me a lot.
I right there with you!
You sound like you are living a life devoted to your inner spiritual development and a life of giving to others. You are wise in your approach. You are hugely needed in the world! You are doing good work by being of loving service to others in this love-hungry world. Believe in yourself and thank you for what you do. ❤️
Your faith in God is what will always sustain you and get you through this life. I too have had issues trying to be in a relationship. But I trust that God is with me during any struggle I may approach. God bless you 🙏
❤️
Hold fast to what is fine! (1 Thessalonians 5 :21)
This is me and I'm bawling my eyes out. What do you do to get help when even talking about this is embarrassing to you? There needs to be support groups for people like us, then maybe we'd have more friendships.
I could have written this same comment. Then... I saw your name hahaha
Me too. My life would have been so different without the experiences in early life that lead to a life of avoidance.
OMG...never had this diagnosis, always knew something is wrong, but this describes me 100%...I am floored....how do I find a therapist who is aware of this and can help?
Me too 😢
If there were support groups no one would go cause. We would all be to shy lol and then to go into a new place to on purpose talk to strangers about how we don't fit in anywhere .... Nooe cause for sure I'm way more awkward than the other awkward people so I will avoid the fuk out of it but secretly wish there were a place I could belong where people are like me and I wouldn't be so weird all the time..... But maybe that's just me
I’ve never heard of this and I have had every single one of the issues that progressively became worse with age. I would be diagnosed for other things like social anxiety, panic attacks, depression, insomnia by different psychologists for short period of time every now and then. Today is my 41st birthday and I home doing nothing except watching KZhead and vacuuming. Thankfully, I found a health group that Has been helping me get rid of this crap. I’ve been actively working with a psychiatric and multiple psychologists at least once a month now for the last eight years. I’m the beginning it was almost every other day. It has 100% effected my career and class of living among many other things. I also can say 100% that I’ve improved quite a bit and that it requires determination and discipline to do your part from the therapy sessions. Otherwise, they can’t help. I’ve tried 6 different places for help before finally finding one for me and it is literally a team of three people individually helping me. I wrote this comment in part from my improvement as well as the number of prescribed drugs I’m currently on right now. But for anyone still reading this, the best advice I can suggest from my experience is educate yourself on meditation and meditate daily. Wether 2 minutes, 20 minutes or more. Use headphones. Search for what works for you and learn yoga nidra. Today is my 301 consecutive days in a row (new personal best) and have had 1,240 sessions since Nov 2017. Prior to that none and thought it was a joke. Birthdays alone only get worse over time. I celebrate with cheap cans of seltzer water in place of beer. Cheaper and healthier. That’s all. Bye.
I love Dr. Ramani, and Kyle interviewing! So good. 🙂
Completely agreed about being lured into situations with emotionally abusive narcissistic people. I always had my guard up until one day I didn't and it went downhill from there. True face of those people came out and I got myself out.
I don't think they said "narcissistic" when discussing that. There are people who can be emotionally-abusive or manipulative without being clinical narcissists. Glad you overcame this.
yes, exactly, these manipulative or NPD people as you call it can reel you in and destroy you and give you psychological trauma. I have a feeling since AvPD crave relationships, they attract and are attracted to these dark traited people.
Vulnerable personality traits are useful to losers to exploit for their vain insecurities
I was relating to everything she said up until “someone with avoidant personality would never do karaoke”. I’ve done it a couple of times and it was a lot of fun. But then I remembered that it took about a bucket of alcohol and it was always a duet with someone in my family... so I guess that explains it lol
Joke's on her. I do karaoke even without alcohol. Only in certain crowds though.
At least youre being honest 😊
Lmao relatable
People with avoidant personality disorder often have dependant personality disorder which mean they are able to do some things only if they are with someone they trust
@@Toulouse41000 Or they just can't sing and don't want to be booed out of the crowd and know their friends are less likely to do so.
Avoiding promotion. I do that all the time. 💀 Anytime my boss suggests a new role that’s coming open, I’ve literally told her no thank you, I’m not emotionally equipped to deal with that position. And I mean it. Interaction for me is overwhelming.
First time I’m hearing about this. I have been dealing with this most of my life and I have always felt so insecure, unloved, strange, not liked. Depression and Suicide have always been in my mind. I think I have friends but in all reality I don’t. Now that I know I’m not alone it helps somewhat.