THIS Is Why You Are Getting Breadcrumbed & What to Do | Fearful Avoidant Attachment
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Do you ever find yourself caught in an intricate web of uncertainty between somebody's hot and cold behavior? In today's video, Thais Gibson helps us understand breadcrumbing from the fearful avoidant attachment attachment style (disorganized attachment style).
Watch now to find out what breadcrumbing is, the signs and symptoms, as well as a simple exercise to help you identify and take action, as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "How to Heal From a Break Up & Transform Grief", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:57 - Welcome and Content
00:01:44 - What Is Breadcrumbing
00:02:03 - Is Breadcrumbing Intentional
00:02:49 - Signs and Symptoms
00:05:14 - How Does This Apply To The Fearful Avoidant
00:05:22 - Reasons for Breadcrumbing
00:06:34 - What To Do
00:11:24 - IAT Promo
00:12:07 - Conclusion
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #FearfulAvoidant #FearfulAvoidantAttachment #FearfulAvoidantCourse #DisorganizedAttachment #DisorganizedAttachmentStyle #WhatIsBreadcrumbing #FearfulAvoidantBreadcrumbing
Have you ever experienced breadcrumbing from a current or past partner? What was your experience like? ❤
Twice, destroyed me, it’s such a low thing to do to anyone, selfish and cowardly use someone to feel better
You inspired me to make my own copyright free music bro, you’re dedicated and talented, and that’s so inspiring. Thankyou. 🔥
I have and confusing and makes you feel crazy
After spending almost 5 1/2 years with a DA/FA, it sure felt like it at times. Being a SA by nature, I found myself losing that security. I began to chase and I lost myself in the process. Thank you for your work. I’ve joined the PDS School and have regained my strength. It’s also taught me empathy for my ex. I look forward to finding true love and having a truly meaningful and connected relationship.
Breadcrumbs are like crack when you’ve been starving. Feed yourself ❤
Breadcrumbs may be addictive, but let's strive for a full loaf of love! ❤
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Can I get a slice of that?
It’s even weirder when they have shown they can communicate
💯
For real, weird how they can also tell you that they're hanging out or hung out with someone else and think it's all good to tell you when they've been breadcrumb
That’s the one I met. So glad I read him right because he’s very intelligent and handsome which plays in his favor. I decided not to respond after I noticed his pattern.
I identified with the living in a fantasy relationship with an avoidant. Acting like I was fine with everything. Not revealing my true feelings and self respect by speaking up for myself out of fear of rejection and allowing breadcrumbs of intermittent attention and affection. He triggered all of my insecurities, vulnerabilities, depression, and so much anxiety that kept me in constant disregulation.
Codependent people learn to put the needs of others ahead of their own and will sacrifice their needs and principles in order to maintain relationships. People who are codependent feel a strong pull toward validation and self-worth from others. One can unlearn these patterns. It starts with building your self-concept outside of and apart from others. To be able to have healthy, mutually loving relationships, we need to be able to put the parts of our brain seeking safety at ease by cultivating that security within ourselves, rather than externally. IF you put someone else’s /wants above your own, then it would self abandonment.
That's why many people-pleasers end up in one-sided relationships. We make up excuses for other people's poor behavior and believe that if we give more and try harder, we can change someone else. Unfortunately, that's not true.
I was never anxious or fearful but now I am, 2 years into this relationship.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It takes courage to reflect and grow from it! Be proud of your awareness and be kind to yourself on your healing journey! ❤🩹
@@a.d.b535 that's interesting. So you went from secure attachment to insecure from the relationship?
Breadcrumbing: When the infrequent, long distance text suggesting meeting up just feels like click bait.
If you're co-dependant, you're allowing their hot and cold behavior to be ok thus reinforcing in their mind that its ok to breadcrumb. So by setting boundaries and communicating clearly what you need this behavior is put to a stop. And if it's not then you know it's the wrong relationship especially if they're not willing to work on themselves 💯
Thank you for sharing your insights! Setting boundaries is crucial for a healthy relationship! ❤
"If you show too much interest they will pull away."
Especially after a break up
My dog never does this
Well, I don't know about Maltese Poodles though!
What we accept in a relationship is a measure of what we think we deserve deep down. So own what you want and desire - you start maximising opportunities for yourself when you say no to things that aren’t that. It is ok to declare that you want to be with someone who has an ongoing and deepening connection to you. If someone is just giving you crumbs ('breadcrumbing') they are not feeling good enough in themselves to be able to give what a relationship requires. Hurt people hurt people. Nothing on the outside will change how they feel on the inside - a person can’t be ready to give love if they aren’t fully sourcing it from within. Only once they feel truly worthy of love are they able to give it. It is not up to you to change them. So if they show or tell you they can’t do it, hear this from them - and that it doesn’t mean anything about you or your value. Someone else’s behaviour is not an indication of your worth.
Thank you for sharing such insightful thoughts on relationships and self-worth ❤
This is really helpful!
Needed to hear this ❤
If a relationships has become toxic or detrimental to your wellbeing you may have to acknowledge the need to step away. This doesn't mean you have stopped loving your partner or that you blame them for the things that didn't work out - it means you are taking care of your own psychological and emotional needs. Ask yourself how are we growing? How does this relationship serve me? How does it make me happy? If you're struggling to find the answers, you may already know the answer as painful as it might be. You will need to decide if you are able to truly accept the distance. If it causes you more pain than you can bear, and leaves you in a mindset of bitterness and resentment, then you need to consider leaving. You shouldn't have to dismiss your needs and accept the absence of connection if it's having a damaging impact on you. Everyone has different levels of closeness they can tolerate - no one is to blame, it's just not the right fit.
The day before- “Long day I’m tired, I will call you tomorrow baby” The next day- nothing until 5pm then- “Long day I’m tired, will call you tomorrow baby” Ad infininitum
That´s why I find it pathetic to even want to have a partner. Look what it does to us.
Cause you’re hot, then you’re cold You’re “yes”, then you’re “no” First time I hear this term, but not new to the phenomenon. Was breadcrumbed for years. I’d only add that there are invisible benefits to staying in this situation. 1) Feeding your adrenaline addiction (rollercoaster relationships are addictive, stability will make you yawn) 2) Finding yourself in the center of attention and care (your friends and family will comfort you every time it’s “cold again”) + there is always a topic to discuss. 3) Being in this kind of relationship helps you avoid spending time alone with yourself, developing your own interests and facing the person you truly are.
When my wife’s suppressed memories of a past abusive relationship came back in year 12 of our 15 year marriage so far, I felt I was getting breadcrumbs as she wasn’t working on her self in therapy. Since she finally started therapy a long time ago I understand it wasn’t breadcrumbs it was she was scared of getting hurt as she has CPTSD. Everything from past felt like it was happening in present. Now she is sharing things she went through and our emotional connection is getting so much stronger than even before the memories can back. She has a ways to go but if somebody is bread-crumbing you and your married it may be deeper that issue she or he needs to work on. If you’re dating and getting bread crumbs, I say step up or I’m stepping away. Great job Thais.
Thank you for sharing your personal experience. It's heartwarming to see the positive impact therapy can have on relationships. Also give yourself credit for being kind, patient and understanding! ❤
Thank you Thais. Hasn’t always been easy as I wish things were same as before her memories but this will make her stronger n happier and us stronger.
I don't think breadcrumbing is solely an FA trait. I know DAs who do this too.
I'm pretty sure she's done DA and breadcrumbing videos too. It depends on the attachment style she's focusing on that day.
That's what my FA does
What is DA AND FA?
@@AstarteRap DA is Dismissive Avoidant, FA is fearful Avoidant. Thais has videos for all three types of insecure attachment styles, DA, FA, and AP (Anxious Preoccupied). For breadcrumbing it is usually the avoidant leaning type, so FA and DA, will do such a thing.
Absolutely, breadcrumbing can be seen across different attachment styles. It's important to recognize these behaviors and address them in any relationship! ❤
I have seen this so many times among other people. I have been breadcrumbed and I think that I have done it myself a few times. When two breadcrumbs get together, nothing good happens.
The more I learn about breadcrumbing the more I realize I've been falling for it my whole fucking life. I spent 13 years, and had a child with, a woman who only significantly invested in our relationship when I demanded she do so or I would leave. The rest of the time she just gave me bits and pieces of what I actually needed from her, just enough to keep me around.
Thank you for this. When I tried bringing up the conversation for him to invest more, he dismissed me, avoided me for 4 days, and sent me a meme about nothing that made sense. I didn't respond and avoided him. This is not his first time doing this, so I'm done. Then out of the blue, he messages me asking if we are still friends. "friends". we were boyfriend/girlfriend... It's like we broke up without an official talk of breaking up. So I responded yes if he is ok with that and he responded yes he is. So I guess it's over, but if he thinks he can message me like he used to and I will respond the same way, he is out of his mind. I need to make sure I don't get reeled back in. This similar cycle has happened before and he would come back with an "I miss you" and of course, I did too and the hamster wheel just keeps going in circles. I've been busy with my own life, going back to school and advancing my career but he lingers in the back of my head. It's tough.
Time will heal your wounds. I'm glad you did what you did, it saved u a lot of wasted time. I hope you'll find d new focus and happiness in your life ❤
I would have asked for clarification, if you were breaking up or what, instead of guessing what they meant. Covert communication seems so common with avoidants and its very immature, as well as confusing for the other person. Get clear with him your needs and set boundaries
I went through the same thing and it was a roller coaster ride it started messing with my health so like you I'm done good luck to him and to anyone who wants him we deserve better.
RUN
Where I see intentional bread crumbing is when a person wants to keep a person on back burner when that person is already in relationship. There could all kind of reason why they see a need to have person interested on back burner.
Thank you for sharing your insights on intentional breadcrumbing, it's always great to hear different perspectives.
Correct. I don't think this behaviour co relates to FA style, but actually narcissism. Being shallow and devoid of empathy is literally narcissistic.
I think that DA's and some FA's certainly have lack of empathy. I'm a recovering FA that ended things with a DA. It highlighted many of my own behaviors and made me want to change. In my experience the DA was something like borderline Narcissistic in that they scored (4) as opposed to (5) - the threshold needed to meet the diagnostic NPD criteria under DSM-5. IMHO Narcissistic behavior is an ordinal scale. So in some cases yes a person could be 80% Narcissistic and that's your experience of being with them. They consistently meet 4 of the 5 behaviors related to narcissism but are not deemed to be a narcissistic person. The real truth is that they behave like a narcissist 80% of the time, and that's your subjective experience. A liar that lies 100% of the time vs a lier that lies 80% of the time. The real truth is that they consistently lie almost all the time. So are DA's and FA's narcissistic- they can be and that's one hell of an existence for their partner. Clinical cut off points just represent an arbitrary line. However the processes that shaped these issues are the same. Therefore the adaptations to them are progressive. Failure to meet clinical diagnostic criteria doesn't mean a person doesn't display these behaviors. A business partner who lies 80% of the time is still a dishonest and unreliable partner, even though they haven't been formally convicted of fraud. Therefore an element of validation is important to allow people are to move on from these toxic people. They truth is - they can cause a huge amount of pain and suffering to others and often show no remorse (lack of empathy) b/c they detach. Anyone who detaches is dangerous because they don't feel pain, therefore there's nothing stopping them doing whatever they want to others. This by itself is narcissistic (lack of empathy/remorse).
nonviolent communication is nice to practice. I feel like you and I are putting in different amounts of effort in. I'd like to clarify that x behaviour (not texting back, not wanting to meet, etc) isn't working for me and leaves me confused. Is there something I should know? Can you change it? And then, and this is the hardest part, accept their answer for what it is, even if it isn't what you hoped for. trying to find the right way to communicate with people so they'd give me what I wanted (frequent communication, attention, love), when that is not how it works - the only thing you can fully control are your own actions.
🙏🏻🫀
The 2 year bf/gf version of breadcrumbing is last minute plans and no dates.
Don’t forget the 7 year relationship with talk of marriage and family and no proposal or plans for the future!
@@AM-ut7dg So sad. Why oh why can't people just be honest and good to each other?
I feel like that messed up my first relationship. We were together a year in a half, but then once he had me move in with his friends, I rearly heard from him for a month. Then after that he got really close again. It confused me, so when he left for training, I thought he wasn't as invested in the relationship as I was, so I started seeing someone else. Then he was really hurt. I think we both had FA. The whole thing was confusing.
Basically it boils down to they are not really interested in you.
They are not interested in themselves either. Some people just can’t love they are just empty. What they feel is limerence. They move from honey moon face to honeymoon face. As soon they have to commit emotionally they push you way. Nothing to give. They don’t love themselves never mind someone else.
If she always has a foot out the door and also set up your life in her favour, then take a hard look at that in time
What a perfect topic to cover today. My on/off/on/off/on/mostly off ex avoidant sent me what I consider to be a breadcrumb email last night during Day 27 of NC. I went 4 months previously, she said I couldn't stay away from her. I'm really at the point that I don't give a rat's ass if I ever hear from or see her again.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It's always empowering to reach a point where you prioritize your own happiness over toxic dynamics. ❤🩹
It’s so painful tho.. bitter medicine to prioritize secure connections
Well this is fascinating as an fa that feels i often fall for breadcrumbers. Now I'll listen as reflect on whether I'm projecting, blind to my own breadcrumbing tendency, or if it doesn't apply to me
Wow you really improved the editing of the videos making it better what was already good. Thank you for the content❤
I'm glad you noticed the improvements! Thanks for watching! 🙏
Love your new graphics! And of course the content : )
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I needed this! It’s been a year and a half!!! The steps to stop so Helpful and Clear 🙏❤️
I appreciate your channel so much 🩵🫶🏽
Thank you for concrete doable steps!!
I'm glad you found the steps helpful!
You know who else bread crumb you? Narcissists bread crumb you Narcissists have the abuse cycle avoidant attachments whether fearful or dismissive have the death will literally no different than being with a narcissist and it doesn't matter about the wound.. They need to go heal somewhere and stop hurting people. Like honestly who gives a crap about these people.
Thais, this video exactly explained my situation. Thank you
I'm glad the video resonated with you! ❤
Thank you :)
Thanks Thais❤
Thank you for watching and for your support! 🙏
I'm glad to say my girlfriend has none of these which is a relief. She is very sensitive to what she portrays as criticism but she could not be more invested with her time.
Love this idea of slowing asking for small incremental investments over time. Can you give some additional suggestions about what these might be?
I couldn't tell if I was being too needy. She was going through a divorce. Which made things so much more complex. But then I began to notice I'd be the one reaching out first more often than not. I noticed she'd not really text much. I know some people aren't big texters. But to not talk for almost half or more a day?? Or not be direct about things. I felt confused for half of our relationship.
Not talking for half a day is ok tbh.. with jobs and all.
@kagame6524 yeah. I get that. Depends really on the job you do. What the demands are. She worked the same line of work that I do (I got her the job). And she nannies on the side. Non of that truly entails not speaking to you for half or the whole day.
I love your video’s new style 😍
The cheesy intro edits with overly dramatic low-budget music and unnecessary sound effects?..💀
Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad you're enjoying the new style 😊
asking for a need if the best advice I got, thanks. We usually see during weekdays for a bit, but never longer dates on a weekend. I will ask for that.
I would love the old video style back. It felt much more grounded and informational. This reminds me of so many pseudo psyche channels working with stock video, copy paste information and catchy headlines.
I agree. I felt like the intro seemed like an advertisement and I tend to tune those out. I didn't mind once she started talking and video actually started since it was just text.
The intro was too dramatic. The sound affects made me more anxious. I prefer a less cinematic grass roots style. I liked it when I feel like Thais is just sitting in my living room. Old school. ❤
I do really like the graphics with the list however!!!!
Awe man i was hoping this would explain how i can get out of the cycle of being breadcrumbed AS a FA LOL
Same. We seem to be the victims of it most time
She did explain it though lol. Follow the same steps she said no matter who it is.
Loved those new effects at the beginning😊 Would the process be the same when breadcrumbed by dissmisive avoidant? And what about FA and DA breadcrumbing each other? Wow I am just realising what a mud I've gotten into 🤦♀️
You’re not alone 😂😂
@user-lolo14 Glad to know that :) Makes me tiny bit better I guess 😅
I'm glad you enjoyed the new effects! Breadcrumbing can be tricky, but the strategies for dealing with a dismissive avoidant are similar. When fearfully avoidant and dismissive avoidant individuals breadcrumb each other, it can create a complex dynamic. Hang in there! ❤🩹
I’m FA but I realized randomly one day that I had known this guy for 3 years & he was bread-crumbing. That was crazy. I only realized this after questioning why I responded to him. At first the bread crumbing didn’t matter to me bc I didn’t know him, so I didn’t notice it.
It's so hard to ask for my romantic needs as it would feel like it's ingenuine if someone gives it only because I ask. Like they would behave that way but don't feel that way or maybe I am just creating what I would fall in love for by saying what I want and then it appears they aren't like that themselves and they were just pleasing to get their intimacy needs met. Or they do all these things without having the feelings while it comes across as such. I just want to perceive how people are and mirror that back really. But that's very tricky with breadcrubs as a love starved person it feels good to stay in them untill it makes you mad. It's just a huge risk especially if you are insecure attached and seem to only attach to other insecure and unreliable people. I think these things like expressing your needs and asking for them to be met would be easier after a commitment is established. I do get a lot of reassurence from the label and won't feel deceived and on high alert, like I do in the phase where you aren't sure if it is going to be friendship, just sex or a relationship for instance. Ofcourse in a relationship I might start feeling like I loose myself, which I often do by thinking to much about them and having little time for myself althow I tent to express my need for alone time at that stage better and it's a more healthy thing to do as I can ground myself again and often I don't need that many days either.
4:14 The person communicates late at night -- such as 11 pm -- because the person knows they don't have to show up and make an effort to make plans. Interestingly, I see this happening a lot with online dating. Most of the women I match with will respond late at night when I'm already asleep. Of course, as soon as I ask to meet for a date, the women go silent. Even after 3 days there is no response to the date question.
Another uncomfortable upload..thank you truly❤🇦🇺🙏
I tried to break up a few times, because I didn't feel like I was being treated right. One of the times, she just showed up at my bed side one morning. I tried to ask what is even going on with us, and she avoided talking about the subject.
Please make a video about what to do if someone is the breadcrumber for any of those reasons you mentioned, but the one theyre seeing is letting them breadcrumb
You stop breadcrumbs by not accepting it stop receiving text messages and phone calls period. If you plan on staying and they keep breadcrumbing remember the law of reciprocity. Never get ve more than you are getting. You will exhaust yourself
Hey @Thais! Would this apply to friendships as well? I have this exact same situation that you describe in this video happening with a "friend", and this dinamic just doesn't work for me. How can I adress this? Thank you so much 🙏 ❤
When you realise your actually being breadcrumbed in marriage…
How do you not view their inability to commit as a reflection of your own worth?
Im in a long distance relationship w a avoidant and im really thinking its pointless. Not sure if there is hope
Thais, what are your thoughts on…if a long-term partner only invests in ways comfortable to their love language and not yours?
Is it meeting your needs? Do you feel loved and valued? Have you expressed more or what you would like to see happen? Has the needle moved in that direction
Take long time but don't show what you say in the title
I should have watched all of these in 2021. Could have accelerated the processes sooner.
Called me avoidant ex on Saturday after 1 year to see how he was doing, something reminded me of him. He didn’t answer, return my call or even follow up with a text. Looks like not much has changed lol
They set a boundary; leave them be. Chasing will only make them more distant.
@@kaynoname1125I know. I left him alone for an entire year. It’s sad we can’t even maintain some semblance of a friendship. He was a good person but really f*cked up with strong dismissive avoidant tendencies. It’s hard to keep those people your life
@@kaynoname1125 it's true. I've come to expect exes to reach out with either "I had a dream about you." or to say something around my bday or a holiday or "something made me think of you." I've kind of grown used to it. I'm always polite and at least acknowledge it because that's who I am, but people reserve the right to want to keep their past behind them and not respond. Unfortunately there's a chance the ex reaching out will be doing it to test the waters because feelings are still there and you take the chance of having any response you give as an opening for further communication. Not everyone wants to deal with that.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes thanks for this perspective. I still really do miss him and love him. Even though I acknowledged he can’t be in a relationship. Going to go lick my wounds now lol.
@@SK-no2pp ughh I know I'm sorry. I love my ex too. If I can be honest though, we are friends...prob best friends...and I think it's low-key torture for us both. We just can't seem to get past our wounds. Sometimes I think it would be better if we stopped communication but we're kind of each other's safety net. At least you have a clear answer and can properly heal and move on. Him and I are in an indefinite limbo and have been for many years. It's like a longer, more painful split.
I’m FA and still in contact with my DA ex We don’t really talk consistently..just reply to each other’s status or story sometimes and some occasional video calls that he initiates We haven’t met after the break up too But then I anytime I fall back or go kinda Mia he reaches out first and sends a text that he’s just checking in …happened 4 times this year already Recently I deleted his number trying to let go completely but 5 days later he texted me saying he wanted to see if I was good and all He doesn’t really engage with me when I’m online but when I go offline he notices and comes Now I’m confused… are these mixed signals or I’m tripping?
He wants to keep you hooked. Stop the contact
What if 😅They will invest then stop invest and stop.
I do not have to exercise to be with someone who should actually solve their trauma before bothering a partner.
Try 4 years... 😂😅😢 I asked to see him. He would flake often. This situationship really hurt me.
I'm anxious avoidant and I don't bread crumb... I don't think 🤔
If you have to do all this just find someone else.
i have some issue with my girlfriend/ex wich is avoidant type. probably she is more fearful avoidant. we have been dating for few months and she cares a little bit for me, shows some afecction and i think she loves me. surely she did not said it but i think so. she said that she is scared to fall in love with me and want to protect me from some suffering. she said that she will tell me "i love you" when i will not be expecting it. relationship progress is very slow but 13 days ago we started sexting a bit. after that she started withdrawing. few days afted that she ghosted me. 1 week after that i have seen on facebook that after that ghosting she was hiking with some other guy and they looked happy together, almost like she is in love with him. she totaly fliped. i dont know what does it mean... were here feelings all lie ? its over or what ? what should i do. i really like her but its so difficult.
Move on. She’s not avoidant she want really interested. I know it hurts believe me I do. She was weighing her options and went with who she liked better. And that’s even if she’s in a relationship with this person and they’re not just friends. But when you said she will tell you she loves you when she’s ready, I knew before reading the rest, she wasn’t interred in the relationship. Try to heal and begins your moving on process.
I'm assuming borderlines breadcrumb too , because they're like avoidant radically to the point it's a personality disorder 😂🤦♂️
Where are you from?
Give me the whole entire loaf or keep your crumbs for someone else.
Hi Can a DA mirror your actions to get back at you even if the dumped u.Does a DA ever let down their walls and let themselves feel again
Come now. "Breadcrumbing" lol She gives me the whole sandwich or I'm moving on Now, you find the courage to move on.
They may just be monkey branching…
Isn't this kind of ghosting?
No. It’s intermittent reinforcement
Yeah, I think ghosting is a part of it. You ghost for a bit then give in a little then pull back ghost a bit and give in. It sounds so sick...bit it's done subconsciously, like you emotions do that for you when your past trauma rises. It's like self protection:(
sorry, I watch a lot of videos but absolutely hating the intro background music. It's awful and makes me feel like I'm watching breaking news. Awful and sensationalistic
I don't think I agree that this is really a FA thing. I had an FA attachment, now I'm pretty much equal parts secure and anxious. I haven't done this behaviour of bread crumbing. If I go on a few dates and I'm not interested I'll just say it. Honestly I feel like as a healing FA, I would say that I am actually breadcrumbed more than most people in dating. I don't think having an FA style co relates with low empathy. In my experience it is avoidants and DA types that typically breadcrumb, because they don't have self awareness or much empathy for others.
@@johnny.futsal Nope. Re read the message. I only have some anxious qualities left, mostly secure and no avoidance. I don't bread crumb anybody, I am open and transparent with communication, needs, boundaries, values. There are many avoidants about in the world. Not everyone with a particular attachment style has every single attribute or behaviour as well. You don't seem very knowledgeable.