Why do friends drift away in hard times? | Mark Webb | TEDxKingstonUponThames
Mark’s powerful and insightful talk will address his advanced disability and celebrate how others have helped him stay happy and productive. He’ll talk about how in times of crisis, when life takes an unexpected turn, we need people to support us, provide hope, positivity and friendship. Prior to medical retirement, Mark held senior Comms and social media roles at Disneyland Paris, the Walt Disney Company, David Lloyd Leisure, Dixons Retail and Shift.ms.
Listed as one of the most influential disabled people in the UK for the last two years, Mark uses his speaking and social media platforms to campaign on all things diversity, flexible working and mental health. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
I lost my husband of almost 40 years to suicide two years ago. My closest and best friend still has not come to see me, write me a note, make a phone call - absolutely nothing. It is like like another death. Friends for 55 years and it is inconceivable. I haven't been hugged for two years except for my son, and one friend. I know who my friends are.
I’m so sorry. Hoping someone who knows you sees this…
I'm so sorry. It seems like she was a fair-weather friend. You deserve better. ❤
Hi Janet. I've been down the same sort of road as you, however, will never be able to feel the full dimensions of your pain. I'm sorry to hear this. People have become increasingly arrogant and self absorbed, they simply don't have the bandwidth to deal with other people's issues. It's them I'm afraid. Not a reflection of yourself. Be strong and get back to me if you need anything. Please let me how you are. 🫶❤️🐾
@@mrsimo7144 That's very kind and thoughtful of you Mrs imo... Sorry to hear you've also suffered loss...
@@mrsimo7144 Dear Mr Simo, thank you very much for your kind and knowledgeable words. Yes, many people think of nothing but themselves and it is very sad. I wasn't raised that way and I didn't raise my son that way. Thank you for thinking enough of me to send me such a thoughtful note. Kindest Regards, Janet
I've had two very hard periods in my life. In both those instances, the speed with which my "friends" suddenly stopped returning my calls was stunning and heartbreaking. I've always prided myself on not being such a person. I do my best to be there when my friends are having a hard go of it. Now, many people who I once considered close friends are now nothing but distant acquaintances.
My guess is that you are an empath? These people are becoming more and more rare. Be proud of yourself because I am. You're brilliant! ❤🫶
You always realize who. Your real friends are when you go through tough times. The real friends are still there. Real friends will tell you if you have a booger visible, food hanging on your face or normal things that we all face. Hardship is the best way to discover who your friends are.
It's not only friends but colleagues and acquaintances who avoid you in some ways. Even family may not be supportive, especially if they're religious and you're not.
And sometimes you realize you have no real friends. No one's there when you're going through a hard time. Well at least then you know the truth.
Don't drift away," said Mark Webb. That's the theme of his TEDx speech. But for me, someone in a similar situation, 24 yeesrs in wheelchair now, it's solitude that has been keeping me alive lately. It nourishes my soul and rejuvenates my mind. I don't seem to care about people drifting away from me anymore. Life is beautiful and I am enjoying every moment of it.
I certainly enjoy and need downtime, solo time… Mark
The very best to you! ❤
Thank you for this talk. I had a lot of people vanish with a cancer diagnosis and also when my mental health deteriorated after losing 3 people I really cared about and my job. My partner left me when all this happened and it was an emotionally abusive relationship. If you see someone who’s going through it, show up. It can change someone’s life. Going through these challenges alone is extremely painful. We need each other. Thank you again for talking about such an important topic.
My pleasure. I really should have included mental health in my little list...
I hope you are okay and things are getting better for you. ❤️ 🫶🙏
Thank you for this. I’ve been ill for over 10’years. Every single friend has left me. I have no one but family and they don’t understand. The fatigue and illness is horrible but my heart hurts. I’ve lost my health, working and my friends and I grieve everyday for the person I was and the friends I’ve lost. I’m only here for my children and if I didn’t have them I’d quite happily take a few pills.
So sorry about your situation. Hope you can find people and a community who does understand and accept you. We can't control how other people treat us, if they come and go, and what they think of us. But we can control what we do in this moment and hopefully do things that can change our situation. Without controlling that, any outcome would be left up to chance alone. Best wishes to you, hope things will get better for you. Everyone is their own best friend. Be there for you.
So sorry. I feel your pain, yet don’t faint into it. You only need one god friend. I pray God sends you one. 🙏❤️🙏
@@q-cumber bless you and thank you for your kind words they are very true
@@iracemaorozco1798 thank you 🙏🏻
Thank God you have children that’s more than I have. ❤
Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.” - .
So true.
Thank you for saying the uncomfortable truths ! I have been shocked by those whom have said they care about me and my husband - that since things started falling apart for each of us and we each developed more serious PTSD and health / general challenges - those whom I never thought would have disappeared … and blame me for it .
Yay! My talk was in the top ten most viewed TEDx talks released in April. Out of 1700+ talks!
12:15 as someone who experienced a lot of loss and grief, I’ve learned that some people just can’t handle being there for someone going through something hard. Like he said, they aren’t bad people, just can’t handle it. I’ve learned to accept that and love them still even though they are no longer in my life.
Very brave, strong of you. I still aspire to be a better person, friend, colleague to people and I’m hoping to inspire that in others too…
"no body knows you when you are down and out" - a lot of Blues songs
Not the song, but ‘until’ you are down and out would be more appropriate…
@@markwebbdoesms2271 it's fascinating that behavior is true. reflected in music and other art. I wonder what the evolutionary heck is going on with that. weird behaviors.
Thanks everyone for your lovely comments so far!
Thank you for an important talk and being so candid. But also for relating how the symptoms crept up on you and how easy it was to rationalize it all away. Its really a frog being slowly boiled situation, its too easy to see everything in isolation and miss the connecting thread. And everyone healthy generally has an "it couldn't happen here" attitude with regard to their own bodies (and minds). But we are all at the mercy of our environment as we live our lives. And sometimes the ticking time bomb was there from the beginning as well. But very few can count on perfect health until one day when they experience a sudden, painless death. At some point it needs to be considered whats worth it from a quality of life point of view. Its amazing we live in an age where so many disabilities are no longer a death sentence, or even something that makes living an outgoing and social life impossible. I hope one day, thanks to discoveries and inventions, everyone with a disability is able to do anything they would otherwise be able to do, and then we will need to think up a new term for it since there will be a workaround for everything. Maybe instead of disabled it will just be the severely hassled or the extremely inconvenienced.
Partly why I campaign so hard. For my children and hopefully grandchildren to live better, healthier lives...
Increasing the quality of our relationships in life is one of the major deciding factors of satisfaction within our lives. Bravo to this speaker and his transparency, it might help us win a Nobel Peace Prize yet.
Yay!
I've lost the job I loved. Those who loved me left me. I'm wondering if they've ever been my friends. Possible. But none of them wanted the "broken" one. I'm thinking, what has changed, they didn’t NEED me anymore. I would have to ask them. I was helpful until I couldn't be helpful anymore, and that's why all the friendship collapsed.
Time to make some new, better, friends.
Hope you find better times… Mark
@markwebbdoesms2271 thank you. Wishing you well, much love and happiness.
Hi what you wrote resonates with me. idk if this is helpful but Prof. Sam Vaknin touches a lot on dealing with people who take, but don't recipricate EVER in relationships. These personality types are incapable of giving and difficult to deal with, fakers and pathological liars. I always thought womething was wrong with me, and sometimes it is my own behaviors, but these are difficult people to deal with. And they can't help themselves. They will not change because their brain is programmed not to. They don't even know they have serious issues. Let's just call them maladapted people. So you have to manage them like radioactive materials, or even better, just stay away from them. But you will encounter these people often in life, especially in the work domain. So best learn how to deal with them, to spot them quicker, and put firewalls up to keep these people from using you. Just my two cents. Be well.
The calmness in his voice is very soothing
Thank you!
Thanks for the talk. 35 years of chronic fatigue. You're doing brilliant work. Keep up the great work. ❤️ 🫶
Zzzz indeed. I need to push on… Mark
Yes its very true that your friends can all disappear. I was diagnosed in 91, had my house repossessed in 92. All my friends were nowhere to be seen at this time, or again. Thankfully in 93 I met, for me, the most wonderful man in the world, who helps me with my daily battles with MS.
Yay for the second half…
@@markwebbdoesms2271 Yes life is now good
I am sorry you went through all that. My daughter is 22, has had MS since 18 and we hope she will someday find the "one."
@@debraindxb I am sure she will. Given the advance in treatments since my time, MS may still be horrible and scary. But your daughter’s prognosis is likely so much better. But I hope I have shown life can still be fabulous…
@@markwebbdoesms2271 Thank you for your kind words, Mark
Brilliant- I think the phrase “uncomfortable with the uncomfortable” is just so true. Great talk 😍
Thank you, so pleased it resonated!
This channel helps me a lot to improve my English. Thank you so much
I really needed to hear this today thank you Mark. Please keep raising our profile ❤
Will do! Thank you...
Hi mark, wonderful words and so true in every way. I could really relate to everything you were saying. It’s true you realise who people really are in times of need. I have been so surprised the people I thought would help are totally absent and people who I Hardly knew have been amazing. Your video will help so many people thank you. Wonderful company that you work for they did exactly the right thing 👍🙏
Yes indeed they did. Sadly too rare!
Thank you 😊. I promise to be more empathetic towards others.
Hurrah!
Salute to Mr. Mark Webb❤
Thank you!
definition of a beautiful, Man and Human…love ya, Mark
Cheers!
Thank you so much! You have opened my eyes!
A pleasure!
Love this Mark! Thank you for sharing your story ❤
Ta Advita!
Loved this Mark! I really enjoyed the hair, the suit and the message. The silver lining - if people do drift - it's just making some space for better people, or more time for those that matter. MS sure does teach you humility in a pretty savage way (MS also teaches you an extraordinary amount about the nervous system, brain and adjectives to describe pins and needles). LB x
Yes, absolutely. You are left with more empathy and a few great people. Giving you the downtime you need…
If you are a guy, it's "nobody cares, work harder." We cant show emotions, and no one is coming to save us.
not even our familys, we ARE the rescue team.
Not in my household/ environment…
I have to say....I wanted the guy to come to the point much quicker or basically to give less backstory and more on how his dynamics with his friends & colleagues changed.... Life dealt him a very harsh blow and that's putting it unbelievably mildly. And maybe he still has a lot of ongoing inner turmoil - but he's able to put up a remarkably resolute exterior. He also has a pretty soothing manner while speaking. He is definitely an inspirational guy! But for me esp who can really relate HARD with the subject of this TED talk, I feel the way to talk on this issue is to address it right off the bat and then expound on it thereafter - not spend half the time discussing your medical history which, while being crushing to listen to, is not germane to the topic at hand....
Fair enough and a good call. I’m a professional public speaker used to speaking for longer on ‘traditional’ DEI topics. A TEDx talk is a special and different skill, but MS is so bloody complex I felt I needed to establish my credentials strongly first. Mark
Fantastic as always - so open, and honest 🎉
That’s the way to do it!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU Mark for a compelling, engaging and powerful message!
My pleasure!
Thank you for sharing this, thank you for helping others thrive
I enjoyed it! Thank you…
Thanks Mark. I needed that❤
A pleasure!
Mark, I follow you on LinkedIn and this is the first Ted Talk of yours I have watched. It made me cry, simply because you said it very eloquently we are no different, don't feel awkward around us just be our friend.
I hope it was 'good cry'...
@@markwebbdoesms2271 for sure x
Amazing story mark
Thank you young Priscilla!
Thank u , it was usefull story to human . Now I opened another side of disability people ...
Woow!! Thank you Mark
My pleasure!
Really important message, top man.
Thank you so much! Mark…
Beautiful story ❤
Thank you...
Thank you for this important message.I am definitely going to reach to some of my Former. colleagues.
Yay!
Thanks🎉
My pleasure!
Sad but true 😢 also for Parkinsonians
Oh I’m sure! Mark…
Amazing 🙏
Thank you!
This was beautiful ❤
Thanks Grace!
@@markwebbdoesms2271 no problem, many people in my family have MS so I relate to this a lot 🥰🙏🏽
True and honourable friends do not drift away willingly at least , if nothing else their memory endures ... :>P
About 35 years ago, I gave birth to premature twins who died the next day. Each year, around the time of their birth in September, people seem to be walking on eggshells near me. They know what day it is. I certainly do. However, no one mentions them. It’s is as if they never existed.
I’m so sorry, Mark…
Bro I have a request please please please please please please put audio track in your videos I and many of us not able to understand what they are saying
My first thought is that red shaggy circular throw rug he's expected to be on isn't very wheelchair friendly, is it?
I wouldn’t think so. I don’t have any rugs, carpets, small mats, etc. in my house at all-but it might be different for different people with different levels of ability. It looks like he’s in a manual chair; I’m in an electric one. Someone with more control over their arms and core in a manual chair might be able to pop up onto it no problem. I think it’s unnecessary either way though and I hope no one made a big deal to figure how to get him onto it!
I think it's to secure stability
I was pushed onto the carpet. So no worries...
❤❤
Humans love only their hard times
People are selfish. Many would rather continue protecting their own peace than risk having their illusions of happiness challenged
Sadly yes. Mark
Woohoo, 32,000 views. Please please like, comment and share. I am having some lovely feedback re conversations finally happening. Messages being sent. Phones being picked up...
Reason why people suffering from this kind of things is the myth of friendship, love and, finally, life. Everyone should be ready to lost everything every second and should know that nobody cares (never cares). Truth is the only cure.
A pretty grim view!
Increasingly; I've been surprised - if not stunned, and perhaps disillusioned at times by the words and deeds of others. And I am Anything but perfect myself. Lol 😆🤣😂😅😆😅😂😂😂. I have increasingly leaned on Art and Music in good times and in bad. This can be found in just about any facet and detail of life, including those (people) we rub elbows with on a day to day basis. Not sure about anyone else - but I Look to .. Celebrate and Emphasize those stories in life that are (full of) Empathy, Detail, and/or Intellegence. What is Intellegence, one may ask ?. (I'd say) it's Hugging and Kissing like you mean it.
Because life happens.
😂 yes that's it...
انَا اختكمَ مَن اليمَن وّالَلَه ماتكلمتَ الَا من جوّع وًّمَنَ ضَيَقَ الَحَالَ انَا وًّامَيَ وًّاخَوًّتَيَ تَشَرَدَنَا مَنَ بَيَوًّتَنَا بَسَبَبَ الَحَرَبَ نَحَنَ فَيَ حَالَهَ لَايَعَلَمَ بَهَا الَا الَلَهَ حَسَبَنَا الَلَهَ وًّنَعَمَ الَوكيَلَ فَيَ مَنَ اوًّصَلَنَا الَى هَاذا الَحَالَ 💔💔وًّالَلَهَ الَعَظَيَمَ مَا كتَبَتَ هَذا الَمَنَاشَدَهَ غَيَرَ مَنَ الَضَيَقَ وّالَفَقَر يَاعَالَمَ حَسَوّا فَيَنَا ارَجَوّكمَ وّالَلَهَ الَعَظَيَمَ رَبَ الَعَرَشَ الَعَظَيَمَ انَه الَاكلَ مَا فَيَ عَنَدَيَ بَالَبَيَتَ وًّالَلَهَ يَا اخَوّانَيَ انَهَ اخَوًّنَيَ بَقَعَدَوًّ بَالَيَوًّمَيَنَ مَافَى اكلَ وًّالَلَهَ وًّضَعَنَا كثَيَرَ صَعَبَ نَحَنَ 6 نَفَرَ دَاخَلَ الَبَيَتَ وًّابَيَ مَتَوًّفَيَ وًّلَا يَوًّجَدَ مَنَ يَعَوًّلَ عَلَيَنَا وًّسَاكنَيَنَ فَيَ بَيَتَ اجَارَ لَانَسَتَطَيَعَ دَفَعَ الَاجَارَ الَلَيَ بَاقَيَ عَلَيَنَا ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' اخي اول كلامي انا اقسم بالله على كتاب الله اني لااكذب عليك ولا انصب ولا احتال اني بنت يمنيه نازحين من الحرب انا واسرتي بيننا ایت الشهرب 14 الف يمني والان علينا 42 الف حق 3 شهور وصاحب البيت من الناس الي ماترحم والله يا اخي انه يجي كل يوم يبهدلنا ويتكلم علينا ويريد من البيت للشارع لانناماقدرنا ندفعله الأجار شافونا الجيران نبكي ورجعو تكلمو الجيران ومهلنالاخره الأسبوع معادفعنا له حلف يمين بالله هذا بيخرجنا إلى الشارع رحمه واحنا. بلادنا بسبب هذا الحرب ولانجد قوت يومنا وعايشين اناوامي واخوتي سفار والدنا متوفي الله يرحمه ومامعنا أحد في هذا الدنيا جاانبنا في هذه الظروف القاسيه اخوتي الصغار خرجو للشارع وشافو الجيران ياكلو واوقفو عند بابهم لجل يعطوهم ولو كسره خبز والله الذي له ملك السموات والارض انهم غلفو الباب وطردوهم ورجعو یبکو ایموتو من الجوع ما احد رحمهم وعطلة ردها لقمت عیش والان لوما احدنا ساعدنا في إيكيلو دقيق اقسم بالله انموت من الجوع فيا اخي انا دخيله على الله ثم عليك واريد منك المساعده لوجه الله انشدك بالله تحب الخير واتساعدني ولو ب 500 ريال يمني مع تراسلي واتساب على هذا الرقم 00967714275774 وتطلب اسم بطاقتي وترسلي ولاتتاخر وايعوضك الله بكل خير اخواني سغار شوف كيف حالتهم وساعدنا وأنقذنا قبل أن يطردونا في الشارع تتبهدل أو نموت من الجوع وانا واسرتي نسالك بالله لولك مقدره على مساعد لاتتاخر علينا وجزاك الله خيرا،.،.،:^:؛^:🎉°~°~^~°^π√^π√~π~√~√~π^~^~
نصابين
Thank you for sharing your story and for the BEST MESSAGE, REQUEST, ADVICE ETC.!! We should be here for our friends and they should also be here for us!! Take care!!!😝😝😭😭😒😒😟😟
Pleasure!
انَا اختكمَ مَن اليمَن وّالَلَه ماتكلمتَ الَا من جوّع وًّمَنَ ضَيَقَ الَحَالَ انَا وًّامَيَ وًّاخَوًّاّتَيَ تَشَرَدَنَا مَنَ بَيَوًّتَنَا بَسَبَبَ الَحَرَبَ نَحَنَ فَيَ حَالَهَ لَايَعَلَمَ بَهَا الَا الَلَهَ حَسَبَنَا الَلَهَ وًّنَعَمَ الَوكيَلَ فَيَ مَنَ اوًّصَلَنَا الَى هَاذا الَحَالَ 💔💔وًّالَلَهَ الَعَظَيَمَ مَا كتَبَتَ هَذا الَمَنَاشَدَهَ غَيَرَ مَنَ الَضَيَقَ وّالَفَقَر يَاعَالَمَ حَسَوّا فَيَنَا ارَجَوّكمَ وّالَلَهَ الَعَظَيَمَ رَبَ الَعَرَشَ الَعَظَيَمَ انَه الَاكلَ مَا فَيَ عَنَدَيَ بَالَبَيَتَ وًّالَلَهَ يَا اخَوّانَيَ انَهَ اخَوًّنَيَ بَقَعَدَوًّ بَالَيَوًّمَيَنَ مَافَى اكلَ وًّالَلَهَ وًّضَعَنَا كثَيَرَ صَعَبَ نَحَنَ 4 نَفَرَ دَاخَلَ الَبَيَتَ وًّابَيَ مَتَوًّفَيَ وًّلَا يَوًّجَدَ مَنَ يَعَوًّلَ عَلَيَنَا وًّسَاكنَيَنَ فَيَ بَيَتَ اجَارَ لَانَسَتَطَيَعَ دَفَعَ الَاجَارَ الَلَيَ بَاقَيَ عَلَيَنَا ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' اخي اول كلامي انا اقسم بالله على كتاب الله اني لااكذب عليك ولا انصب ولا احتال اني بنت يمنيه نازحين من الحرب انا واسرتي بيننا ایجار الشهرب 20 الف يمني والان علينا 60 الف حق 3 شهور وصاحب البيت من الناس الي ماترحم والله يا اخي انه يجي كل يوم يبهدلنا ويتكلم علينا ويريد من البيت للشارع لانناماقدرنا ندفعله الأجار شافونا الجيران نبكي ورجعو تكلمو الجيران ومهلنالاخره الأسبوع معادفعنا له حلف يمين بالله هذا بيخرجنا إلى الشارع بدون رحمه اني اختكم في الله من اليمن رقمي 0̳0̳9̳6̳7̳7̳1̳6̳6̳4̳9̳4̳9̳4̳ وتساب لمن اراد يساعدنا واحنا. بلادنا بسبب هذا الحرب ولانجد قوت يومنا وعايشين اناوامي واخواتي سفار والدنا متوفي الله يرحمه ومامعنا أحد في هذا الدنيا جاانبنا في هذه الظروف القاسيه اخواتي الصغار خرجو للشارع وشافو الجيران ياكلو واوقفو عند بابهم لجل يعطوهم ولو كسره خبز والله الذي له ملك السموات والارض انهم غلفو الباب وطردوهم ورجعو یبکو ایموتو من الجوع ما احد رحمهم وعطلة ردها لقمت عیش والان لوما احدنا ساعدنا في إيكيلو دقيق اقسم بالله انموت من الجوع فيا اخي انا دخيله على الله ثم عليك واريد منك المساعده لوجه الله انشدك بالله تحب الخير واتساعدني ولو ب ||| ماتستطيع مع تراسلي واتساب على هذا الرقم 00967716649494 وتطلب اسم بطاقتي وترسلي ولاتتاخر وايعوضك الله بكل خير اخواتي سغار شوف كيف حالتهم وساعدنا وأنقذنا قبل أن يطردونا في الشارع تتبهدل أو نموت من الجوع وانا واسرتي نسالك بالله لولك مقدره على مساعد لاتتاخر علينا وجزاك الله خيـرا🤲🏻ا`/~«:☽💔💔💔Ππ≋Π-↑/🎉
نصابين
I pray Yeshua have mercy and his Father God speed help, for each of you abundance of food, water, and protection> have undying faith & trust in Jesus Christ our Saviour. please repeat this prayer often for comfort John 3:16 💞 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son that whomever believes in him shall be saved. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏