Is this your real personality? 5 Childhood Trauma Personalities
In this video, I cover what I believe to be five trauma based personality types that are not our true personality. I cover the behaviors, intimacy problems, social problems, where it comes from, and how to work on it by being more real.
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Yalom's 11 Therapeutic Factors in Group Therapy
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Chapters: 0:00 Intro 4:50 Personality #1 - The Doer (Gotta Do Something!) 7:48 Personality #1 - The Doer (Gotta Do Something!) - How It's Formed in Childhood Trauma 8:47 Personality #1 - The Doer (Gotta Do Something!) - How They Struggle in Intimacy 9:28 Personality #1 - The Doer (Gotta Do Something!) - Isn't This Just Who I Am? 10:06 Personality #1 - The Doer (Gotta Do Something!) - How to Become More Real 11:33 Personality #2 - The Hostile (Hey, Listen to Me!) 14:36 Personality #2 - The Hostile (Hey, Listen to Me!) - How It's Formed in Childhood Trauma 16:33 Personality #2 - The Hostile (Hey, Listen to Me!) - How They Struggle in Intimacy 17:23 Personality #2 - The Hostile (Hey, Listen to Me!) - Isn't This Just Who I Am? 18:24 Personality #2 - The Hostile (Hey, Listen to Me!) - How to Become More Real 20:24 Personality #3 - The Darkness (What Do I Do?! or What’s the Point?) 22:52 Personality #3 - The Darkness (What Do I Do?! or What’s the Point?) - How It's Formed in Childhood Trauma 24:05 Personality #3 - The Darkness (What Do I Do?! or What’s the Point?) - How They Struggle in Intimacy 25:25 Personality #3 - The Darkness (What Do I Do?! or What’s the Point?) - Isn't This Just Who I Am? 27:00 Personality #3 - The Darkness (What Do I Do?! or What’s the Point?) - How to Become More Real 27:33 Personality #4 - The Ghost (How Do I Get Out of Here?) 30:05 Personality #4 - The Ghost (How Do I Get Out of Here?) - How It's Formed in Childhood Trauma 31:26 Personality #4 - The Ghost (How Do I Get Out of Here?) - How They Struggle in Intimacy 32:46 Personality #4 - The Ghost (How Do I Get Out of Here?) - Isn't This Just Who I Am? 33:21 Personality #4 - The Ghost (How Do I Get Out of Here?) - How to Become More Real 34:37 Personality #5 - The Are We Good? (We’re Ok Right?) 38:14 Personality #5 - The Are We Good? (We’re Ok Right?) - How It's Formed in Childhood Trauma 39:27 Personality #5 - The Are We Good? (We’re Ok Right?) - How They Struggle in Intimacy 40:34 Personality #5 - The Are We Good? (We’re Ok Right?) - Isn't This Just Who I Am? 41:26 Personality #5 - The Are We Good? (We’re Ok Right?) - How to Become More Real 42:53 Final Thoughts 45:34 Connect With Me 46:49 Outro
I can see myself in 3 and 4 by reading the chapters. Edit (just watched the video): wow! Some things were 100% me and others were not or partly me. I cried and laughed at the same time because it was so accurate. Ty
@extdmtrx The Ghost and The Darkness are two infamous man-killing lions. Michael Douglas was in a film about killing those two. As I recall, it's quite good. The title is The Ghost and The Darkness.
I'd say I'm The Darkness. Psychologically, not lion.
you forgot 0:27, the joke that almost took me out. right left hook no warning joke. no time to process that, right back to it joke. didnt know you had jokes, too
I think I was the Ghost. Often wandering the streets outside as early as pre teens, hiding behind a book in company or in another room in the house even when visiting relatives for a few hours. As I entered my mid teens, I drank alcohol when visiting as my elderly relatives would offer a sherry or vermouth to me, and I loved the zonked out feeling from it. I didn't want to engage as I was fed uo with being talked at instead of been asked questions about myself, which only a great aunt did. Escaping was my way of coping with elders in my family and treated as an extension of my parents or my cousins. It was the only way I could be myself.
My mum always said, as a criticism, “you were always so happy as a child, I don’t know what happened to you”. You mum, you happened. You sucked the life outta me and at 54, I’m still trying to figure out what I’m really like!!
My dad said the same thing, only the happy child disappeared (per him) in toddlerhood. That's when, apparently, I started victimizing him, too. (Rejection that he didn't deserve, obviously.) I'd think, too, "You! You're what happened!" (not as a toddler--but after about age 9, 10.)
Amen to that friend! Same here!!
Exactly between her and my Fathers non stop name calling here i am right back in the same situation that traumatized me in the first place. I am 8 years sober now and they are still abusive and i live with them again ugg
Same
Strangely I always thought that I'm actually the problem and I'm the reason why i am unhappy
I often wonder what I would have been like without my childhood trauma.
I relate to this. Definitely something I've grieved, but I do think you come to acceptance as now I consider it, it's not something I've thought about in a while, and it used to be a relatively frequent thought.
Me too.
I thought the same think 😢
Same it was a shock learning that people grow in normal households
Though it's truly hard to know. especially if the trauma started very young like under 5yo. There's no "before" that you remember. it's simply not fair
A counselor told me I was hostile and it pissed me off. 😂
So it made you more hostile? lol
Fellow angry mfer. Nice to have you fella.
Fellow angry fella. Nice to have ya
I get pissed off too. No surprise, all things considered. I'm judgmental and have a short fuse. Funny thing is, being THAT kind of an asshole actually WORKED. There's a big difference between a kid, and that same kid all grown up and *willing to push back*. In my defense, I recognize it and try t keep it under control. I keep score too - I may act chill or almost passive sometimes, I may "forgive" but I never forget if I'm done wrong.
Checks out 😂😂
I'm a doer with ADHD. Which means I'm always distracting myself and trying to solve problems, but I'm not accomplishing shit.
Love me a brand new untouched problem as well. They are so much better than old problems I have already worked on. Ha ha
I resonate with this 😂
This 👌💔🙏
Mines no motivation baby ADHD woo hoo
I'm ghost with a mix of doer and hostile. I hate socializing but learned how to fake charm my way into a lot women's pants. I have a strict routine of going to the gym, work, chores, etc. and i can be very extremely hostile, particularly when I'm in a committed relationship where i slowly resent and hate my girlfriend
1. Wow that sounds like me 2. Wow that sounds like me 3. Wow that sounds like me 4. Wow that sounds like me 5. Wow that sounds like me A big shout out to all those wonderful adults who influenced and impacted my childhood.
This comment is perfect
😁
I’m a big 1,4 and 5 who’s starting to dabble in 2 and 3 🤷♀️
@@kt1048 ghost /are we OK -er, here. With sporadic fight attack hair trigger mode with bullies/ptedators/abusers
This comment wins 💯
"Being the focus is usually interpreted as being in trouble, or being shameful." Thank you for explaining why attention feels unsafe.
I can’t stand to be on camera, speak in front of my class, I don’t want to be looked at. And other dumb things.
This really hit home for me.
Thank you for your comment. It really gave me that lightbulb moment. Hearing it again…
Thank you for this comment, it hit different reading it in this way. Attention for me growing up was always being the butt of the joke so I always feel dumb and would rather be invisible. "Attention feels unsafe"... thank you.
@christinan8059@@danihusom8668 You're welcome, I'm glad it helped.
Being a ghost fucking sucks. I'm ok being alone but everyone around me is so outspoken it makes me feel like a weirdo for not being like them. I want to be "normal" like everyone but its exhausting to force yourself to socialize and still be told you're too quiet/boring djrhjsna i hate it
Specially at work environment where socialising is almost mandatory . I don't mind chatting with everyone if I'm grabbing a coffee at the pantry and there are people there too.. but if there's a party that I HAVE to go, outside of work and everybody expect me to go..damn, suddenly it's the worst thing in the world
@@yasminhendricksa4664 Yes, I avoid work socialization. I hate it.
i love the keyboard mash :) im pretty sure i know exactly what you mean
@@yasminhendricksa4664you don’t have to go to any party. You should know that.
@@Gibson-zq7tb I don't have to go. But If I don't, there will be consequences 🫠
My mom always said "you were such a good baby and child. I could sit u in the corner by yourself and you just stayed there taking care of yourself".
My mom did too. I needed her.
@@wendymarshall2132 It was like she was proud of me taking care of myself while she took care of my brother (unless, of course,it was "take care of mom time). I was my own mom. I'm sorry you went through the same, Wendy.
Me too, Wendy, since that's what went on with u too. So Sorry, luv. I feel the same.
My Mum said this too. Supposedly it can be a tell tale sign of actually having been neglected. And I know I was compared to my attention hogging older sister.
I felt so neglected compared to my siblings that I wrote a note to my Mum asking her to please pay more attention to me when I was about 6 years old.
I'm a Ghost. It's really lonely. People have said about me, "She's hard to know." I'm most comfortable in isolation.
I totally get this!
me too ,I agree but Im learning to just embrace it
Same!
Me too 👻
I definitely have the quality of a Ghost too however I also realized my being in the wilderness has been such a stabilizer to these behavior patterns
This reminds me how shocked I am (when I think about it) that there are many people…literally just walking around, having lives…who weren’t raised in abuse. It’s unfathomable.
It makes me feel so alone
@@yerichuI feel that way as well-I’m so sorry you have to experience that 💙
Two way street: We all have ego’s…Mangled on the assembly line or not…Mangled Ego:…Doesn’t everybody?!!!…Unmangled:…Doesn’t everybody?!!!
I wasn't abused... I just had no friends that were trustworthy and I had no people that actually cared of my feelings or even asked me... Childish people.
weird, i always felt so awful because i was obviously the only one who WAS being raised in abuse.
I feel better when i read the comments and am reminded I'm not alone in this.
It’s disgusting how perfectly you described me with the “Are we Good?” personality. I was literally raised to be a people pleaser.
Unfortunately, in a narcissistic family, they they start chipping away at the authentic child the moment the child begins to exhibit any signs of independence or thinking for themselves.
Oh spot on. I lived that. Amongst a million other sick behaviors.
Feeling threatened by different views within the family or the group of friends or work…
So true
Jep, was fav child out of 4 for my father and when I turned 6, started to have my own thoughts, got thrown away 🥳
😢 I was suppressed and punished and degraded for being so different to everyone else in my family
Paid for counseling for years and basically all it was was “How does that make you feel?” About a month in and already have so much more value out of the work. Thank you!
That's great to hear my man. Just remember though, counseling isn't about being taught psychoeducation for an hour. Some people, don't have the awareness of how they feel when they talk about topics. It's about integrating the relational experience you have with the counsellor and connecting to different parts of yourself that you avoid. Hope you be well,.glad you found Patrick stuff❤
That magic question, that gets so diminished in mainstream comedy 'bad therapist' scenarios. I came to that through EFT. How do I feel? it wasn't a familiar question and it is something I am still practicing. How do I feel? I was so cut off from that. I just realised you may be saying hterapy was rubbish and Patrick is great. What ever you meant, the question - How did that make you feel? is always worth some time and consideration. Good luck on your self explorations :) 🙏
Right? lol! So true. I think this is where I'm gonna start my counseling me and my boyfriend want to do it together but I also kind of want my own counselor so not sure if I just should look up Patrick's courses or whatever he has to offer and hopefully we can both just pay half and half whatever the cost may be. But this is why I stopped going to counseling it was basically just me talking and the counselor nodding their head or telling me I shouldn't do something so I stopped going.
Yeah, how come these type of videos are so full of knowledge and helpful, but when you go to a psychologist or psychiatrist they just want you to talk, even after knowing everything you’ve gone through and know how your feeling? It’s frustrating to go to an appointment to just talk, I can do that to myself in my car while driving or put down words in a journal…. I think Doctors should talk and give advice more than just listen.
We need to be taught how to sit with our feelings not just asked HOW we feel. We can be very good at describing how we feel, talking about what happened, showing insight. Then professionals say “well you seem to be coping really well.” And we go wtf?! I’m not coping at all, I’m in significant pain and could explode at any time. Learning to sit with the feeling means actually being in your body, noticing sensations. It’s all this somatic stuff that isn’t taught enough. Currently most of the people talking about these things tend to be on the Moro esoteric/philosophical spectrum so can be harder for some people to get into.
I always mourn the person I would’ve become if I didn’t suffer as a kid 😢
Tell me about it
I try to think, maybe I would’ve had a great life but bad influences and trauma really just kept me from being a bad/mean person. I’m in pain a lot but I can also notice and try to help others goin through somethin… I do sometimes do the same, it’s hard not to while struggling.. but that’s what I try to tell myself. It’s easy to see and feel the bad that came from childhood trauma, but there’s for sure good from it that we may not even know
“The desire to be real” hit on another level
"Try not to shame yourself for anything that kept you safe" THANK YOU, PAT. Your work is a god-sent! Edit: wow, 1.3K likes. Thank you guys. I'm happy to know that this resonated with so many of us. Much love to you all.
Love that, thank you
Wow, thinking about it, I see them all as stages (of a progression) I've been through . ~kind of in the same way we go through stages of grief. Moving out of each is what I think matters most. I think the way he ordered them fits.
Agreed. If he hadn’t said that, I’d certainly be blaming and shaming myself as I always have. I didn’t realize that it was part of the trauma that caused me to be that way.
That's probably one of the most helpful lines I've ever heard from any therapist. Definitely up on the winner-steps.
Thank you I needed this God did through video games also God bless this man
You did catch me with “they tend to think about what their feelings are instead of inherently knowing them”
Boom! Yup, me too
I had no idea this wasn’t “normal” for everyone and I’m honestly struggling a little thinking about how other people just know
Yeah I've got say I have no idea what a feeling is if it's not something I can consider and contextualize. Every aspect of a feeling to me is a thought I've scrutinized.
Yup, same here.
Alexithymia is the search term you need.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Germany. Really need
Yes, dr.porass. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is dr.porass.
I've always felt like a weirdo. As a child as a teenager as a young adult and now at 65 I still feel like that and don't understand why I'm even taking up space on this earth. The only thing that has kept me here, (alive), is the dogs I've had over the years. I could never abandon them and leave them with an uncertain future. I don't matter, they do. Its all so messed up. I've been in therapy in my 30's and 40's but I didn't realize then that it was things from my childhood. I've just realized it 10 years ago when my younger sister bought things to my attention that I either buried or forgot. Praying for us seemingly normal people who just feel less than. 🙏
Hey internet stranger! I'm super proud of you for learning about yourself and acknowledging your hurt despite your being a bit older- it's even harder to work through this for people born pre-1990, when therapy was starting to become "ok" to seek out. You're doing awesome! Even if you don't figure it all out before your time on Earth has ended, the fact you're trying and open to whatever is there is an amazing feat
I think you matter Susan ❤
@@loveamerica3426 thank you. ❤️
@@comicsans3537 thank you!❤️
I think you matter, and so does God. He put us here for a reason.
My mom took me to our family doctor around age 10. I had suddenly become pretty much unresponsive. I think my body just couldn’t take the emotional abuse and neglect anymore. I am kind of surprised my mom did anything about it. The doctor gave me a B12 shot for energy. I guess back then they didn’t believe children could be depressed.
Wow! Very interesting!
I was told to get over it, everyone is depressed.
B12 and iron 😁 I received that as an adult aged 36. And after a few examinations it turned out that I had been suffering from gluten intolerance all my former life (feeling exhausted 24/7 and got called lazy by others, but nobody really cared for my health 😔)
In my case, they assumed I had autism and put me in "special" classes. They can recognize autism, but not abuse and neglect.
@@Kipposhii214 So sorry.
I'm a doer. Both my parents were addicts, and I tried to make sanity out of the insanity. I am 77 now and I have finally come to realize how exhausting and lonely an existence it has been.
What advice would you give to others who have experienced similar?
Sending warm vibes to you.
I know you don’t know me but I’m here for you
I feel for you. I love this too.
In kindergarten I suffered from multisism which didn't bother anyone because a child who doesn't speak is easy. I did very well at school but was so extremely shy that I cried at the slightest criticism. I always felt like an alien and when I was asked about it I had the feeling of being exposed and just cried. From the 6th grade onwards I could no longer study. I didn't feel like doing anything more because I didn't know what it was for. With the best will in the world, I couldn't see a future. my parents were alcoholics. My father is a cheater and my mother is a complete schizophrenic. sometimes nice and then screaming again. My oldest brother was completely disturbed and constantly attacked other children and constantly threatened me with murder. Now I'm 35, I have a child and I try to do everything as well as possible. I had to cry with joy when I heard that she is loud and wild when playing with other children because that means, thank God, she is not like me. I don't work and I'm still struggling to find meaning. Therapy always made things worse, from wrong diagnoses without knowing me to wrong medication. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest.
While I was watching this video I recognised every member of my family in these trauma responses and immediately started doing a list of things I could do to help them. I couldn't diagnose myself at first, but when I re-watched the video and saw the to-do list in front of me I literally slapped my forehead. It all makes sense now, I'm a doer
Wow! I'm 65 and have had years of therapy and no one ever explained who I am as perfectly as you just did! I'm sobbing. I am DEFINITELY #3! My mother was 16 when she gave me life! That in itself should explain why but she was VERY immature and at 83 , still is BTW. She had no idea what to do with a baby so I became a doll she could dress up or thrown in the crib to cry if she tired of that. I was pawned off to grandparents and aunts because she couldn't "deal". Each stage of life was no better. We grew up together . We have both healed our relationship but unfortunately the damage was done. I have had two failed marriages and for the last 12 years I have refused to date or meet anyone because I feel I'm too broken. The tears are making this difficult to type. Whomever reads this, thank you for listening. Love to you all! ❤
I can very much relate to your story 🫂 💔❤️🩹
@@aibhilin1211 I'm sorry 😞❤️
Sending you love.
@@palomac7041 Backacha!!💖✨ Thank you.
Find peace….concentrate on doing stuff u really like….hope you will be ok…❤
22:43 "they might destroy themselves to save a goldfish" 😢you sir are the very first person to see me in 50 years. I'm shaking
I see you, boo. My dad set up a trap to catch a groundhog, but caught a squirrel because he baited it like an idiot and left it where the squirrels are. My mom nagged and bitched and howled and yelled that "there's a squirrel" and made me "deal with it". She wouldn't call my dad. She wouldn't show me how to deal with the trap. She yelled and screamed I would get bitten. She told me to drown it. I had to take a hockey stick and lift the trap into a pool. It struggled and drowned. I cried and buried it. They teased me. I was probably 17 or 19. Maybe younger. I don't remember much from when I was about 10 or 11 until I was 23.
Me too
Same here 🫂
@@YewrinePish Shit man, tough stuff.
Ditto
When I moved out into my first flat with other people I was shocked that being screamed at isn't normal at all. It's crazy how you can get used to all kinds of abuse and then not even realize it is.
Thank you for this. I’m a chronic people pleaser. This reminding me of something that I learned. I used to be an opera singer. I didn’t sing for years, until I married my husband. I didn’t realize it but while I was singing Christian music I over dramatized everything in my voice. I started training a few years ago again. She noticed that I had a fake vibrato. She was right. After work, she found my real vibrato. I hadn’t heard it for many years. I was a broken person behind the mask of what I was trying to be perfect. I heard it and it was a beautiful friend that I lost. I realized that moment, it never went away and it was so beautiful in my ears and in my head. It may sound silly, but this vibrato was me, it was a part of me that is real, that I thought I lost.
Wow Cindy thanks for sharing that's so interesting. Due to childhood trauma I met a lady who went through so much trauma and because of it she sounded like a 8 year old it was so strange to me and she was 65 I believe...it's so interesting how trauma can effect our voices to I either sound like a child or my dad when angry. I'm glad that person helped you though that's so amazing.
This made me cry 💔 congrats on finding you again!
This made me feel like all our "real selfs" is like your lost vibrato and I have hope that all of us can achieve finding and "hearing" ourselves and recognizing our "true" selves the way you did your vibrato, and knowing without a doubt that this is the real thing that is part of us and not a coping part. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for sharing your experience. I was moved to tears by reading your comment and am so happy for you to have been able to feel that connection with yourself again.
As a former singer/performer. Felt this in my SOUL 😔🥹 I’m so happy you are finding your voice 😊😊😊😊💗
I’m definitely a “Doer”.😭 I recently got laid off and I realized I have a lot of free time. My mental state has been horrible because of it. My first reaction was “I need to stay busy to keep my mind off things, I need to stay busy.” I tried to make a schedule packed day so my mind does not think about my childhood trauma or anxiety.
@@robyn-lee-INFJ Yup, Similar situation, my family is broken right now, nobody wants to bother and it's just no love really. So I mostly keep to myself. They only call me when they need something. I'm learning to say no and take care of myself but this self love journey is harder than I thought.
Same
Wow, this is so eye opening!!
Same. Am a doer. I didnt realise it was a trauma response. Others admire me for speaking several languages, knowing so many things about all kinds topics etc... but yeah thats actually a result of me trying to stay busy.
I am definitely a doer too. I always have four or five projects on the go, besides my own business. In the summer months I work 12 hours a day, every day (literally like 110+ days straight). My hubby is ALWAYS trying to get me to relax or take some time off. But I can't sit with myself. The only time I can 'chill' is with cannabis. Then I can space out and watch tv or play a game for a bit, but that's still not sitting with myself. I have heard ppl say 'I got nothing to do, I'm bored.' I honestly can not relate to that. I was probably 5 the last time I was bored. I am just learning about childhood trauma and healing. Cheers to the day that I don't have to fix everything and can sit quietly with a cup of tea. If you haven't yet, all the doers should have a listen to the song "Surface Pressure" from Encanto. It's sooo relatable. In fact, it was absolutely that movie, that song, that started me on this journey.
"l will give you something to cry about ".was huge in my home
Me too. I remember repeatedly and literally banging my head into the wall, or the floor, trying to deal with the stress. Couldn't have been older than 3.
My trauma comes from another kid my age. I did whatever that person said because I was lonely and didn’t wanna lose them as a friend. The abuse I endured wasn’t taken as seriously as it should have been, and I had no idea I had been abused until high school. The “are we good” personality makes so much sense to me. I constantly need to make sure someone isn’t upset with me, or isn’t feeling burdened by my presence. I think this is because I didn’t realize my abuse for years, and constantly stayed in a dynamic that my childhood friend kept me in, which was “if you don’t do this, I won’t be friends with you”. I subconsciously do what people say because I struggle with boundaries, and it’s affected me like crazy. Thank you for this video, it put a lot of things into perspective.
I feel that always asking are we ok but also they were twins who were also "fighting for my attention" or something? Sorry if it's not grammatically correct
Patrick, thank you so much for your content. It is a real relief to find such direct, honest, informed and compassionate information on childhood trauma and abuse. The validation is immeasurable.
Thank you so much for your generosity! ❤️
❤❤ So lovely 😊
The work you do here is so important, and it’s not only tremendously helpful for all of us to recognize remnants of childhood trauma in our own lives, but you also help us open to empathy and compassion for others who may be acting out of unrecognized childhood trauma in their own lives. Thank you!
Great points 👍
Great comment
I appreciate this comment
Truth 🌟
hey, victim of narcissistic abuse, CSA, and neglect here. i have osdd & dissociative amnesia and watching this just makes me realize how fragmented my identity is because i’ve literally had every single one of these personalities. and i still have them but thankfully they’re just laying dormant because ive been in recovery/remission for a year :-) it’s so difficult differentiating trauma from other mental issues like BPD or NPD especially when you’ve been told you’re crazy your entire life. things get better yall, you can transform this pain into something beautiful. trauma informed care and criminal rehabilitation is my passion because of everything i’ve learned from my experiences.
I was blown away by the realization that I was a Hostile. I accept the doer in myself but didn’t want to admit to being a Hostile. I’ve done a lot of work over the last 2-3 years has made me soften. Thank You. My mom was 100% Hostile. I’ve said a lot lately that I’m connecting to that little girl who was so creative and energetic and fun.
Im mostly the ghost. I immediately clicked on the timestamp because ive always referred to myself as one. No one has ever really known me besides my partner. I dont really know myself, though. I tried therapy. By the third session, it got too personal. I left and never went again. I hope one day god grants me the strength to face my past. Its too much to bear. Thanks, Patrick.
It's especially isolating when you are neurodivergent, and people are too "weirded out" by your nature to even try to get to know you.
@@Magus_Union yep. I hear you. They're either weirded out by me or get a whiff of my vibes which are usually stay the fuck away from me vibes. I hate and love who I've become.
Do you have avoidant personality disorder at all?
I hope you can try therapy again and deal with the personal. It's great that you are watching these videos. You only have one life, and I think it's worth it to work through the pain to make your life more fulfilling. You deserve it and so does your partner.
I feel a lot of love for this as I don’t show anyone me but my partner as well. I’ve given up believing other people want to care
I have no clue why more people aren’t subscribing- this man is a genius and so helpful.
awwww thank you!
I found him by accident as one of his shorts was in my home page, and I had subscribed to other therapists and life coaches.
@@lemsip207same. His depth going through it is very apparent compared to other therapists I've come across
Right? I tell so many people about him and Danial Mackler love both their content.
@@mariahconklin4150Thanks! I just subscribed to Daniel M. Hadn't heard of him before.
I'm a hostile. I've never felt like I got to choose who I grew up to be. My childhood was full of conflict and strife and I really feel like I'm stuck in the fight response, particularlythrough my 20s. I mourn the relationships I've ruined because of this affliction, and I feel like I'm not as far in life as I should be. I have no idea how to process all this. You broke my brain, Patrick.
My mom is definitely a doer. She uses tasks and errands and doing favors for others as a way to avoid relationship. It hurts so much when she does this. I'll ask her to watch my kids when I have an appointment or something, and she's all super cheerful with the kids but either totally ignores me or asks me what I need done around the house (always overly cheerful). She always offers to buy dinner, but she never stays to eat it with us. Whenever she gives someone a gift for Christmas or Easter and is told "oh I didn't get anything for you," her cheerful response is "you weren't supposed to." Every time she does something like this it's like a slap in my face, a non-verbal way of telling me she doesn't want a relationship with me.
I was definitely the “are we good,” but then morphed more into the darkness in my late teens/early 20s. I’m 28 now, married to a wonderful man, and I have a warm, safe, colorful life. It amazes me to see how my real personality has come through again. And it reminds me of how I was when I was 3 or 4- sweet, loving, silly, happy!
Thank you for this comment. Similiar to me, I’m the are we good towards others, while also feeling the darkness type that developed more and more over time. I escaped an abusive relationship a couple of years ago and had to come back to live with my mother, I’m glad I worked a lot of myself or this would have been too much. I hope I can get too to a loving relationship and more fulfilling life like you described. Congratulations for archiving that, I hope you’ll have a great and loving life.
@@karmica7591 I cant even imagine, I literally chose to be homeless over putting me and my 2 yr old in the presence of my mother when the same thing happened to me as she was just as bad as my kids dad, if not worse. As a teen I used to always say I would rather be homeless than live with you and then I actually proved that to be true. Being homeless for months with a toddler was a terrible experience from sharing unhygienic spaces, no matter how clean you were, abusive staff, major stress, catching covid, to developing pneumonia and coughing up blood from the rsv virus and maybe even close to death was STILL better than ever having to live with my mother again. Having a mother like mine is like not having one at all.
@@karmica7591 I cant even imagine ever being with someone after the men I've met. They just kept getting worse and worse.
@@LuxMeow wow, I’m sorry you had to go through all that, also with a child. But I totally get you and why you chose that instead, I was close too. I tried everything I could outside living in the streets before going back and at first it had to be for a really short period. I stayed more cause the situation changed a lot between us, I did lots of therapy and she discovered to have a bad autoimmune condition (and to be honest also started having different targets being one the bosses at work now 😒), so I stayed more than intended cause it’s way more manageable for me atm. But I would never do that if the situation was the same as before, she’s not the worst parent out there, but she still do abusive shits so I don’t think it matters that much anymore. I was no contact with her for a while. Anyway, it looks like you’re in a better place now, and I hope that so much for you. You’ve definitely been in some really rough times and I’m sorry that happened to you. Wishing you and your kid all the best, seriously.
Run and kiss (etc) that man right now!!! 😂
I knew my childhood was bad after I had my own child that I still can’t live without. She had so much happy and joy! It made me realize this was closer to my real me. From there, I began to separate from my biological family.
Oh my
Thank you. Your little story brings me joy 😊😊 Edited to add: you've written a story with a few sentences. 🫶
Parenting can be so triggering, not just the way our kids mirror our stuff back at us, but also realizing that our parents should have done so much better. Like I wish I had half the dad that I am 😔
Absolutely this post hits hard. Thank you.
@@AndyMartin51 Same here as a mam and grandma 🙂
My father was a schizophrenic alcoholic,my mother a ghost,I have since 8 years old struggled with mental health,alcohol and drug abuse,you are first person to explain myself to me,I’m blown away,stunned and crying !!!!!☠️
Sending some love to you ❤
Thank you so much ✌️
Amazing song,so touching,reminded me of Beth hart,would be awesome if you covered-a change is coming- anyway thanks,I felt connection 🫠 👁
Oh wow, kinda similar childhood... my mom became schizophrenic on/off medication when i was 8 and my dad was an alcoholic... i didn't try any drugs but i became a ghost... i still look over my mom, but my life feels like at standstill bc im still trying unpack everything.
I was saved by being raised by loving aunt until age 5 until toxic cold mother reclaimed me - moving away must have been very traumatic because I can’t remember anything about moving from one city to the other 500 miles away. I had a sense of self developed before age 5 that saved me - I was beaten & verbally abused by stepfather & mother alike & used as a servant & child carer (but I loved the babies) so hanging on to the 4 year old who had been taught to feel some self worth was life saving - literally - multiple times during suicide attempts - that 4 year-old begged for her life - still does. ❤
no sh....t.....pff this hits hard
@@hetedeleambacht6608 I know, eh? Hang on to your inner four year old-self - lifesaver
id be a mess if i hadnt had my aunt lay the foundation for me as a child. i'm ever grateful for that because i have no idea what i'd be like if i hadn't had that positive light in my life
@@xxersion3335 I sent my aunt Mother’s Day Cards thanking her & flowers & when I could afford it, cheques - she had spent her lifetime caring for children and aged alike and had no pension. Please thank your aunt profusely - when they’re gone it’s too late.
I know a lot of people with childhood trauma that are Doers. The Doing style just fits perfectly into our Western culture. Societal norms tend to praise and reward us if we are active, productive and succesful. So it makes sense why many people turn to 'Doing' as their main defence strategy. In comparison, I think The Hostile and The Darkness can seem more counterculture with their aggressiveness and negativity.
Yeeeup!
I'm a doer and I think THAT to me means there's HOPE! Not wanting to accept the truth and just sit in it.
That's why so many people glorify bad childhoods in this country - it gives people the desperate drive for validation that fuels the greed machine
Sure, but you can also DO to create change. I do more in my community than I do at work. I definitely do too much, though.
This is such a tough one! Mind blowing for sure! Keeping busy does help me too. @@emmaobrien1376
I’m 74 years old and it’s taken me most of my life to overcome the multiple abuses that my mother perpetuated against me and my siblings. I spent a lot of years in therapy with some positive results but I have continued doing a lot of self help through numerous other methods. I have had to reparent myself and learn to love myself and forgive myself for the harm I’ve done to myself and others. It’s a long and arduous path but it’s definitely worth it. Just don’t give up. I really enjoy my life and I’m close with my children and my grandson in particular! Thank God that I was motivated to being open to learning. Some of the lessons were painful. Thanks for the information
I'm thinking it's not about BLAMING anyone but UNDERSTANDING...It never starts with the Mom or Dad...they had what happened to them too! Compassion doesn't make abuse ok- .it does make it easier to forgive those who hurt you...and get FREE from that prision.
@@1948ramboblaming your abusive parents is perfectly fine. In fact, it's a crucial part of healing. If you try to skip that step, and continue trying to "understand" your perpetrators, you will never truly stand up for yourself and so will never truly heal. No one NEEDS to forgive those who hurt them - that isn't a required part of healing. So forgiveness is not the priority. The priority is recognizing and grieving our own wounds, being able to be angry and even allow ourselves to hate our perpetrators (for as long as that is necessary to fully experience all our feelings about it) and resolving to be on our own side from now on and not sacrifice ourselves to our parents or anyone symbolizing them any longer. Compassion, understanding and forgiveness of our abusers does not heal us. Compassion and validation of our own self does.
I think healing comes in stages.......and I was born into it. I'm 75 years old...My entire life was laced with narcissist and their vicious flying monkeys! Yes understand what happened to YOU.....just keep in mind those people who abused you and me were also abused. That's doesn't make it ok by any means......I thought I was pretty tough but this is THE WORST!!!! @@penyarol83
@@penyarol83I think that churches promote forgiving and reconciliation with abusers, who are still abusive. It's a firm of denial that backfires on the survivors. I don't listen to such idiots anymore. But I stayed decades too long in a toxic, dysfunctional family thanks to such horrid advice ! Going no contact, and prosecuting certain parents or family members for committing crimes against the children is the way to go.
@@penyarol83 standing ovation to you for stating the *real* truth.
I have been diagnosed with severe depression since young age, but cannot afford treatment since the pandemic. I cannot even begin to tell you how grateful I am to come across this video. Thank you for making it so clear on why I have been like this for a long time.
Thanks so much for this. I am 41 soon and still healing from my childhood and choices I made over the years from that trauma. I think I’ve had times where I was the darkness and times I was the hostile 😂…and it’s nice to see you explain this so well ❤
I've never had anyone or seen any video that articulated what I've experienced in my life so well - being a ghost as a result of a domineering energy vampire parent. Thank you for mentioning the numbness as well, since I fear I'm numb to a lot of positivity now, and not just the negativity.
Also a ghost due to a grandiose narcissistic parent. I never felt so called out and seen in my life by this video. It's helpful to know what I have to work on now.
Aw the ghost one is the one I wish I had I'm the Hostile one first and the secondary is the Darkness one both are so awful I'm like this emo vampire lol.
Ghost with touches of Hostile and Darkness here, I guess. Ghost was the description that had me broken and almost instantly crying. Probably a sign of its realness, since it's so hard to know what is real in this eering existence. Also made me remember a poem/song in which I wrote: "why do I keep running? Why do I keep ghosting myself?". Powerful video.
@@mariahconklin4150 Naming and understanding what we have become and why is the important step towards our own healing. I wish you the best on your journey forward. *hugs*
I'm also a ghost and never would've thought! It made so much sense, the whole video was very helpful
As a parent, I worry a lot about what traumas my children may develop though my parenting. I came out of a dramatic childhood. I know my parents were not great parents, narcissistic and disinterested. Yet I know that it was because of their own childhood trauma. So, I’ve come to realize we do the best with what we have. I am working on parenting better, and though I believe I am, I know that my kids will still have their own traumas. Especially when your kids personalities are so different, trying to parent each of them according to their emotional needs can look different. Not too mention when you’re still working through your own triggers.
I feel the same about parenting my own children
My exact concerns . As a person damaged by childhood trauma, for life, surely I have carried that into my own parenting. How could it be otherwise?
Same. And knowing that as I'm concurrently healing myself, my children are having vastly different experiences even from one another. My oldest has gotten all the worst mistakes and notices that we treat the youngest differently because *now* we understand more about childhood development and defer to positive parenting whereas the oldest only got the default parenting based on the shitty things we learned.
Same. was so focussed on not being like my parents I probably made huge mistakes and fear that instead of breaking the cycle, I just sort of spray painted it a nicer color.
@@jen-dy6tm Exactly! I basically have only insecurities about everything I ever touched.
Just wanted to say thank you so very much for all of your videos. You have helped me so very much and we are so lucky to have you as a resource.
Thank you, this was really a pleasure to hear. You speak clearly and to the point. I have worked a lot to understand myself and my childhood experiences and to be kind to myself. I sincerely hope that my child has a healthier foundation to experience childhood and grow up.
My childhood trauma was so serious that my innate potential was suppressed to the point of lifelong emotional disability! Even making me homeless for a time due to an impaired functioning ability that rendered me incapable of holding a job.
Hope you are doing well now ❤
I hope you’ve finally found help to be your best self again.🙏
Praying you have been able to find a group and a safe place to live. You’re on here, so you are on the right path. May you find more healing and joy each day. ❤
I hear you Lynn 🙏
I just want to send you some extra love but tell you also that you are wonderful and you are always being loved ❤
Finding you on YT feels like finding a brilliant movie on netflix. All the hours spent on scrolling through crap was finally worth it. Thank you, I feel deep sympathy whenever I hear you speak - the message is coming from someone who knows this stuff inside out and what's more; is brave enough to share his own sad childhood stories (and impacts thereof) with the entire world.
thank you so much❤️
Yessss ❤️
I'd SO much rather hear this type of info from people who became a professional after having lived it, instead of just coming from a clinical standpoint.
@@AndyMartin51 Exactly 👍
@@patrickteahanofficialthank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing your story. You’ve provided us with such a safe space with your videos and have saved more people than you know. You’re truly the best at what you do. With warm wishes from Sydney 🇦🇺
Absolutely LOVE how you breakdown childhood trauma. Every video is helpful. ❤
i have 4 siblings, and each personality represents each sibling. I'm the third child and im the darkness personality. it's kinda funny but also a scary feeling how you were raised in the same house but nobody has the same experience with the same set of parents. currently trying to heal from this and being hopeful for the future.
My mother passed away a year ago and during her illness, with my therapist, I learned/remembered what kind of mother she really was. Not the the kind one everyone else saw. The manipulative controlling demeaning one (at least to me). And now my "baby brother" just talks about his idyllic childhood, how she was the best mother in the world, and I'm like, What?
There’s something about the darkness personality that definitely explains a lot to me. I live in perpetual fear of some unbearable worst-case scenario. I’m unable to take my mind off the possibility of something extremely horrific happening, and I can’t shake the feeling that there’s no solution to this problem beyond distraction and self-deceit. :(
I'm quite similar. People sometimes shame me for not speaking in a more 'positive' manner. I get lost inside decision making too.
I feel that a lot too. Waiting for the shoe to drop all the time. Distraction and self decite is how i deal with it al lot. I try to remind myself to look around and reassess how things currently are and sometimes it helps when things arent that bad
And faith 🌟
My dad was a hostile with extreme road rage. Outside of our nuclear family no one who had to ride with him once ever wanted to again. And my dad’s reaction was always the “What? It’s Tuesday. I’m just vibing. This is just me” that Patrick described. He would tailgate, drive at crazy high speeds just to show off how well his car handled, pass in no passing zones, pass on the shoulder, floor it when a light turned green and pass everyone ahead of him no matter what lanes he had to veer into to do it… On more than one occasion a driver in front of him got sick of the tailgating and came to a dead stop and got out to fight with him and called the police on him. Being a kid in the car with him was insanely stressful, and any requests that he chill out only bought you a few minutes of slightly less aggressive driving. Almost every trip with my dad was a form of abuse and you never knew if you’d get there alive or not.
Yikes you just described my Grandfather & how he drove with us in the vehicle. This random person on the internet gets that. I relate so much.
Sounds like my husband when we were first together. Fortunately he has been working very hard on recovery the past two years and doing much better. But I'm still not past the fear that developed those first 8 years together.
This is my life story!
Sounds like our dad's went to the same driving school. 😬
Idk if you know this but this is normal grandpa driving behaviors lmao
Thank you for defining each personality style and then giving a variety of examples to clarify. Your examples and even your personal experiences resonate more than just the definition. Your teaching method is enjoyable and easy to learn from.
Wow. This is so helpful to me. I found while watching that I feel like I've moved through each of these types throughout my life but there are a couple that I still struggle to overcome or heal from. Thank you for this.
I was climbing a tree in my backyard when I was seven and fell on a high power line and was electrocuted, the explosion almost blew my leg off and burnt the tree down. I'm 58 now and still have serious problems with people, I'm only comfortable in isolation and studying things. All of my family has passed away over the years, and today's society freaks me out. I started drinking at 8 years old when I discovered it melted all my anxiety away, now I have cirrhosis and not doing well. Everybody wants to judge me and tell me how I'm supposed to live my life and who I'm supposed to be, they are crazier than I ever was😢
I'm so sorry that all this happened to you. 😢
Nobody has the right to tell you how to live. They don't have to live with the consequences. Just calmly inform them that shoving their uncolicited advice is disrespectful, and that you will not accept it. But be calm. If you find it hard to remain calm, take a bathroom break, and just breathe until you have regained yourself. For what it's worth, I'm sorry to hear what happened to you.❤ Please be good to yourself.❤
How high was the tree???
34:00 "Ghosts can think that just showing up is good enough to be known." Oof! That hits close to home.
I was listening and observing, not relating much to the first couple, I related a bit to the darkness one (mostly when I was a teen, I grew out of that a bit), but when he started on the ghost my jaw literally dropped to the floor, and I honestly almost left the room several times (fitting for the ghost tbh) It almost hurts to be read so clearly like that. Almost feels like being exposed. I guess I found my main trauma personality type. This man is doing such important work and I know lots of people say this but I never felt before like there was a human soul alive who really throughly understands childhood trauma like Patrick does. I still feel so alone, but there is a tiny glimmer that I might not be beyond understanding or repairing.
We are here, together on the same journey, and heck yeah Patrick is one of us, so he called us out lol… and is challenging us all to keep up the good work 😂❤
🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️
Same; I was listening to the other personalities without much reaction, but darkness made me really defensive? Insulted? Exposed? I can’t really say but it was negative. I grew up extremely antagonized. I was the scapegoat to everyone else, in my personal life when I was older, and in my family life. Especially from my parents I felt a real, tangible sense that they hated me. They genuinely would’ve been happier if I weren’t around. I’m in a much better place now, especially relationship wise, but I lean really heavily into an almost clownish persona to escape that. I feel like when I can’t be high-energy and silly, then I’m too difficult to deal with. I never escaped the pattern. I still feel like people are better off without me, but we’re working on that.
Same for me, @zephyr3693, even though I initially somehow resonated with the doer because that’s another form of escaping I had to press pause more than once while Patrick was speaking because he was definitely spot on, and I too left the room to do a couple tasks every time to get the space to elaborate on all the stuff he said. It’s good to hear that I am not the only one… Good luck on the unghosting journey to you from a fellow ghost 😊
I felt really exposed by the ghost, too. I felt ashamed by looking at all of these traits being listed out like my secrets were being exposed for the whole world to see, when in reality, I was shamed for these things before by my parents even if they weren't my fault and I was just reliving those moments. I can see clearly now how true intimacy and connection is what I should strive for, it just feels hard to go for with this crushing fear of rejection and abandonment looming over me.
I'm absolutely the 'are we good,' and the 'doer.' I had to pause the video a few times and just take a deep breath because it was so on-point. I've finally just started therapy after needing it for years, and your channel has helped me immensely to get to this point and also with working on some things before I could afford health insurance. Thank you for everything you do!
this video genuinely changed my life
The people pleasing one was so accurate that it hurt. I used to have this delusional belief in childhood that being nice and well-behaved would "save the family" (my exact words) I was practically my father's slave with how much I did to make sure he never got angry. It killed my personality. I became a doormat that no one respected. Even my closest friends and family casually put me down even to my face. I tried to fix this and overcorrected into the hostile one then forced myself back into people pleasing. I will continue the struggle to improve Thank you for this video, it was a wake up call that I definitely needed.
Best of Luck! I'm also realizing how bad my self-denial and people pleasing is, and how the resentments I have lately for my mom and my hostile partner are a sign that I need to stand up for myself! I have needs and rights!
I can relate
@@Mpathy77me too. I hope you get to a place of acceptance and peace.
Pat says he doesn't typically see the fawn/fight combo. But that's me too. I'm happy to see someone who can relate in these comments, but you have my empathy. I know how confusing and chaotic it is to be this way. Lots of love.
Same here.
Patrick, you might have saved me. Because of the work you do, coupled with work I’ve done, there was enough in place to thwart a histrionic attack this week. Somebody I trust said something off the wall at a public hearing and completely looked past, me, my wife, our track record, reality, and because she’s being manipulated by somebody narcissistic, the abuser is now doing the bidding, and she fell for it. There’s no way to thank you. But because you educate us on gas lighting, toxic families, and healthy boundaries, I was able to talk through it, not act in any way different than usual. And I avoided a massive trigger. 😜👍💯☑️very thankful. Now it’s time to straighten it all out.” 🤢
THANKS PAT. 😉💯
This is huge! I'm very happy for you and wish you much success in your healing.🖐️🌹
GOD BLESS YOU funboy!!- Way too serious as PreTeen, i VALIDATE YOU MY Friend
@@sharonthompson672 you rule. Ty.
@@carolnahigian9518 you reign supreme for that. Ty!
When you talk about childhood trauma in this calm voice, I find myself accepting things again. I'm in therapy and it's been hard recently, I regressed a bit and lost the sense of how real my problems are. I regain it listening to this. I see the little ghost child inside of me again, I regain care and empathy for her again. Thank you ❤
Wow thank you... I think I’ve known this but to hear it articulated in this way makes me realize I am a ghost with hostile tendencies. The isolation part is so real, with an ugly side that comes out and makes sure no one gets too close. You have a very calming way of talking about this topic, like it’s heavy stuff but doesn’t make me feel like I can’t be fixed. It’s like I’ve looked into the mirror finally and can understand what I’m seeing and that it is possible to unearth what’s been buried deep inside. Well wishes to you sir and anyone who reads this.
I'm a ghost and a doer. Fortunately, the doer in me sought out counseling but the ghost in me is keeping me there. I have such a hard time opening myself up and making connections I desperately want. I've been in therapy for 10 years and it has been very helpful.
I also relate to the ghost and the doer. It's like the doing is the justification to be a ghost. If you stay busy you have no time for connection. It's a struggle though to be a doer because you are honestly convinced that you need to do all of the things. It's nice to hear therapy helps.
I'm a ghost and a doer too. I didn't know there were other ghosts before I saw this video. I find most people not "worth" opening up to, and I just stay silent when other people are talking. It seems to be true that they don't want to get to know me and just like to talk about superficial stuff, so I don't force myself out there... what for? It must be the ghost speaking, but I see no end to this dilemma.
@@introv3rt3dc4ctus Me too
I am all of these to some extent.
Same, it makes me feel so chaotic and disorganized.
Me too! Does that mean we're more or less screwed up, I wonder?!…😜
Same! Maybe there should be a 6th type called the Anomaly where it’s bits of all 5 😅🤷🏼♀️
Same. Wild to see you here Tay! I hope you're doing good.
Me too.
You are really incredible with your insights. I am thankful for your content! I cant believe how accurate the things you say are to my experiences.
It took me 2 months to be in a place where I could watch this video because I misjudged it and thought it might trigger me. But it didn’t. It’s not at all what I thought it would be and I thank you for that! I’m def #1 and 4. Used to be #3 and am growing out of #5 thank God and me! This is hard work but years of prayer and DBT, psych, and talk therapies have been tremendously wonderful instruments of my growth. Thank you 🙏🏽 for sharing this video! God bless and keep you!
This explains so well why relationships can falter when a person starts to work on themselves….when a Do Good or a Ghost turns into a Hostile, how can partners and relationships possibly adapt? When a person who was passive starts to advocate for themselves it can really throw off the people in their lives, even if it is a sign of recovery and growth. Super helpful for my personal journey, so thank you 🙏🏻
I think one of the biggest mistakes everyone makes about relationships is expecting your partner to remain the same person years down the road. Who is ever the same person they were 10 years ago? I'm certainly not. And I won't be the same person 10 years from now.
I can relate. Hope it gets better for you. We deserve to be happy.
if advocacy is healthily expressed, no problem. Becoming less trauma based, in terms of personality, is never problematic. Ever.
Man, I didn't even realize this was the question I was trying to form for so long. When I go from a people-pleasing ghost to an assertive hostile, how do I overcome the fear of losing my relationships to the 180°?
When a passive person starts to stand up for themselves...how does the other person handle it? It's called a divorce! Best thing I ever did. Many ppl are out of My Life now cuz they no longer own me !
I remember when I was in middle school my dad said the smile had left my eyes and he missed it like it was my responsibility to be a happy child. I was struggling adn no one helped me. I would dissociate and cry at school and not a single teacher did a thing.
This video made me kind of happy cause I recognized most of the types, and could look back and see at which points in my life I embodied some of these types more, but I have actually recognized these in me and worked on all of them. There is not a single one that I wasn’t aware of and that I haven’t worked on. It made me kind of proud of myself :)
This is a very good summary or introduction and categorization of the individual trauma types and a good start to shed light on possible problem areas of your own. I wish more people would watch this video, but of course there has to be a willingness to do so in the first place.
I think I might be the "hostile" personality type in that I grew up in a very emotionally volatile household with two parents that were emotionally immature in different ways. I noticed I go right into "fight" mode anytime I'm faced with anything that threatens my sense of security, or if I'm just overwhelmed by a situation. It's happened quite a bit with the jobs I've had, and sometimes I can be intense without realizing it. I hope with some more mindfulness of my feelings I can calm this down. I also feel I have "ghost" traits in that I would isolate a lot from conflict and spent a lot of my time outside of school alone. It also didn't help I was left alone a lot of the time with a parent who was obviously mentally ill and I was expected to keep my emotions in check lest I upset him.
I hope there's hope for us hostiles.
I’m the ghost and therapy takes everything in me just to get there 🤦♀️ my relationships are absolutely non existent and I’ll do anything to avoid being uncomfortable. I still can not get passed the fact, No one here asked for this and we have to work through it like we deserve it.
You are incredibly wise and this was helpful for me. Not only did you do a great job of explaining personalities that some (less educated?) people would diagnose as narcissism or borderline, but you also provided helpful resources for those who relate. I am so grateful I stumbled upon your channel, truly a gift from the universe 🎉!
Thank you for supporting the channel!
Hello Patrick, I am Tatiana, nice to meet you! I just found you this morning and after listening few of your video I subscribed. Thank you for sharing your photos and personal story, you are very relatable. 💚Thank you for the valuable information you provide here! Looking forward to learn more with you. 👼
I can relate so much to the "Are We Good" and the "Ghost". Every slight disagreement with another person makes me feel like they are going to hate me forever, so I'm always busy trying to shut out those emotions. I sent a text to someone years later apologizing for probably having seemed childish in a conversation. Whenever someone seems only slightly off during a conversation, I immediately feel like I ruined our relationship and try to think of what I did wrong so I won't do the same mistake again and I can somehow fix this. I went to a therapist, because I know that my fears are irrational (I think?), but I couldn't tell her anything. I wanted her to ask me the right questions so that I wouldn't have to start telling her something that might not even matter. We just sat there for half an hour every week and said nothing except for a greeting. Social interaction is very exhausting for me and I wish there wasn't any need for it. I also really wish someone could read my mind, just like you said. Sometimes I want all my decisions to have already been made so that I don't have to. Usually I just live my life by "can't fail when I never tried" out of a fear of rejection or failure, so obviously I appear lazy (and maybe I am just that). People don't believe me when I say I am socially awkward because of the conversational rules I basically just learned by heart and am now repeating everyday while smiling. The smile is real, but it's because I am succeeding in not making anyone dislike me in a normal conversation and not because of anything that's being said, for the most part. This text is such a mess. And I'm sorry for writing so much.
Its a we in every I that was written here.
Thank you for sharing! ❤
I can relate.
Wow, this looks like something straight out of my diary. Seriously, I related to every word. it’s actually relieving to know that this isn’t just a me experience. I hope one day we both can break the shell and return to our true selves before the trauma set in.
I think I understand your comment, and I have to agree with you. TY for sharing. Expressing your feelings about this has helped me gain clarity on some of my own challenges 🌟🦋
My first response is to start people pleasing, mainly at work. When I become aware I'm pleasing my second response is to become hostile: solve your own damn problem! I'm sick of being used as an easy solution. And then that doesn't sit well either (I feel guilty for lashing out). I haven't learned how to be assertive and set healthy boundaries for myself and this is the result. I really hate conflicts and try to avoid them. Thank you for sharing this video, it helps me understand myself better.
I feel like this too Keep the faith 🌟🦋
You are describing me. Thank you for sharing.
Recognisable. Maybe this thought helps too: People dont necessarily expect you to please them entirely or solve their own problems. I think its tough, but they can like you, even when you dont please them all yeafr round. Probably they will even like you even more. (Because they wont please everybody all the time)!!! If that helps.....I have a tendency to please too much too...
You are wonderfully organized and succinct. So far, I’m a doer in the darkness wearing a sheet. Can’t wait to see what number five is all about!
You are so dang adept at explaining the details and how each of these is similar and different. Thank you so much.
It’s a little scary to see a bit of myself in all 5 personalities. That being said I’m glad to at least be a bit more aware. Hopefully we can work slowly towards healthier living 🫶
Same here. I’ve definitely been all of these at some point, and still fit into them all, but more into the first three I think. I should probably listen to the video again for more clarity.
I’ve been scrolling through the comments hoping to find someone else who identified with parts of all five! Glad I’m not alone, and all the best on your healing journey.
Same here. Felt like I flit in and out of all 5 and especially the relationship fantasies, oof!
I tried to hold my mom accountable and the whole family and community turned against me. I'm more alone then I've ever been, but I see how my mom is conditioning me and the family to blame me and isolate me, so I will hurt alone and look like I'm the problem.
What an awful situation to be in. I feel I can relate since I have a similar situation that my dad, my mom's enabler, had created for me. I feel like I have no family anymore because of all the lies my dad has told to protect himself and my mom - at my expense. It sucks and I feel for you.
@Jen-101 so sorry to hear of your struggle. It is heart breaking, mind blowing and makes you go onto helpless mode. They want you in a child's mindset where anything goes. You can get out, find safety and take care of yourself.
Same... hugs 😢😢
Hugs
My heart goes out to you! I can see my reflection in the picture you describe. Writing your experiences out (even if it is destroyed when finished) will definitely help you keep track of their manipulative behavior and feel more connected to yourself and reality when those around you are trying to distort it. This will pass. When you can finally get away, you will find a healing path! Know I will keep you in my thoughts and wish you the best of outcomes.
Probably the most useful video I have ever watched about anything in my life. Thank you! ❤
Thank you for taking the time and care to put this together and for sharing it. Very helpful.
Thank you!
I learned more with your videos in 3 weeks than a lifetime of therapy. I am angry but also thankful for finding you
Same
Not getting the right help is so frustrating. So many years of unnecessary suffering... These videos gave me some crucial insights that I missed in years of therapy as well
You are not alone!!❤
@@sherir3668 thank you
Patrick's content helped me ditch many bad therapists who were positive toxic, not empathetic or not healed themselves.
I really relate to a lot of your experiences, Patrick. My family scored a smoking 84 on your family toxicity scale. I was a parentified child, though; I basically "raised" my severely mentally ill mother. Now 52 with a lifetime of "Ghost" behavior behind me, your videos are helping me to finally heal. Thank you for all you do!
❤
First KZhead comment I ever totally related to lol
We're in the same neighborhood. I scored an 88.
Wow! This video nails most of childhood trauma survival mechanisms. I'm 71 and on the DSM 1 - 10 scale of child abuse I scored a 10. Both my parents had undiagnosed mental health issues and one was an alcoholic. I grew up hearing "I'm going to beat the spirit out of you." And that they did. It's a miracle I'm still around today. At 4 years old I was begging G-d to let me escape and find my real parents. I had 28 years of therapy, 15 years of deep study into meditation and spirituality, and the last 4 years of online study, yet still feeling the deep pain and sadness of losing myself and my childhood. I forgave my parents but since they were so toxic to the day they died, I did not talk to them for 40 years. My toxic siblings kept my parents up to date. They have turned everyone in my life against me. Yes I had executive function issues due to ADHD, but still very empathetic and compassionate. I feel others pain deeply. I'm going to watch more of Patrick Teahan's videos since this video rang some bells.
Amazing videos. I struggle so badly with even admitting to myself that I've lived through childhood trauma because it wasn't always physical violence, but mostly emotional abuse/neglect and I feel bad for my parents because they also suffer childhood trauma. But literally, all these videos are spot on. It's wreaked havoc on any relationships I've tried to have. My ex would tell me to accept that I did suffer childhood trauma. Now I feel myself having to fight so hard not to repeat that with my own child. 😢
As a dude that works outside. A white long sleeve is actually the best thing on a hot day to keep you from getting roasted. Just a thought. I’ve gained much from the videos, Pat. Deeply grateful for your professional insight. It’s been monumentally healing.
I was going to say this, especially as a red head, it was a great choice. Neglect can get “lucky” too tho
Ya. We also had to wear long sleeves in the sun sometimes or t shirts over our bathing suits because we burned so easily. It was uncomfortable and we stood out but it protected our skin.
I’ve actually been ALL of these at some point in my life. I even got a 92% on the Toxic Family Test. At 47 years old I’m beginning to realize the effects of my childhood trauma. My healing journey has opened my eyes to the depths of DYSFUNCTION that I’ve experienced over the years. Needless to say I’m extremely GRATEFUL! Life is starting to feel liberating considering I’m BREAKING the strongholds of so many heavy burdens. Blessings to everyone who’s in the process overcoming the hurt and pain of your past. I’m sending a huge HUG your way! 💎
I got 93% and I also relate to all these coping strategies to some degree. In my teens I was The Darkness; when I was older I moved into a Hostile mode until it started softening through some therapy. I isolate like a ghost now, but one who wants to be a doer like others in my family. And I am starting to see how much I would slip into Are We good at various times throughout my life.
This video content is so helpful to understand, that u for posting this Patrick! ❤
I stumbled across this. Truly one of the few times youtube isn’t a completely waste of time. Thank you!!
I guess I needed a video exactly like this. Since learning about C-PTSD and how not okay my childhood really was, I asked myself how much of my favourite things and hobbies based on my own preferences and how much on escaping traumatic stuff... PS I guess I am a Doer (my parents are Doers and survivors themselves) and The Are we good? Eh, not surprising, but still kinda painful. Honestly, sometimes doing stuff really help, like taking shower in the morning, even if you under shame attack again... Of course, it is not a good idea to run from your feelings and abandoning yourself again and again, like your parents had done...
That's a beginning place 👍
you named Every Sibling in the Family Tree! very Educational.
I also was diagnosed with PTSD and with a personality disorder…. When I saw this video, I couldn’t believe it was all related to upbringing
My trauma therapist recommended you, it has been incredibly helpful as I struggle in this healing journey, it helps me during the week, I really appreciate the ways in which you help educate us. Because of my trauma. It is critical for my brain to understand what is going on so my heart can continue to heal. This journey is not for the faint at heart! Thank you!
You’re so right! It takes real courage to revisit the troubled place of a toxic family. One thing I know to be fact: The only way out is through. ❤️🩹
This is one of the hardest things ive ever had to do in my life and im only 20 lol. I will complete this journey one and you will as well .i hope any on their healing journey heals completely or enough
@@saiki3603 Our journey is never complete. Yet for every bit of hard-won progress, I have experienced joy from my remembered self sweeter for the time away. Happy journey ❤️🩹
Going through the comments is currently really soothing because what he said was kind of getting to me. I recognize it. But it is also kind of beautiful that there is something that wants to be recognized and it being a good thing. Thank you for the encouragement.
This is really interesting to take into account with people I interact with. I recently got into a tense situation with a manager at work and I always thought why are they being this way? And some of these notes are so indicative to why that person reacts the way they do when they’re met with confrontation etc. Super interesting!